The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 239: Scam-Putation Edition

Episode Date: September 14, 2017

In this week’s episode, Donald trump stacks the bench with nutjobs, Sandy Rios points out that neo-Nazis might be nationalist but at least they're not socialist, and we’ll examine a miracle claim that doesn’t have a leg to stand on. To get tickets to one of our upcoming live shows, click here: https://scathingatheist.com/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To check out the Counter Apologetics podcast, click here: http://counterapologetics.blubrry.net/ Headlines: Trump nominates guy who doesn’t believe in church state separation to federal judgeship: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/08/trump-nominates-churchstate-separation-denier-for-federal-judgeship/ Also nominated someone who said the bible comes before the Constitution: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/09/senators-challenge-judicial-nominee-claims-bible-precedes-constitution/ Roy Moore Senate likely to become a senator: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/11/senate-candidate-roy-moore-in-2015-dodged-question-about-executing-gay-people/ CIA going all in on Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/09/report-cia-director-mike-pompeo-brings-christianity-agency/ Pastor reaches down woman’s pants during anointing; won’t be prosecuted: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/02/pastor-who-stuck-hand-down-womans-pants-during-anointing-wont-be-prosecuted/ Mike Huckabee robocalls for “Last Ounce of Courage” will cost 32.4 million http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/09/illegal-mike-huckabee-narrated-robocalls-will-cost-film-marketers-32-4-million/ Former Christian lawmaker who sold post apocalyptic gold coins will go to jail http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/06/former-christian-lawmaker-will-go-to-jail-over-apocalyptic-gold-coin-scheme/ Jews won't get out of the way of the hurricane http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/09/some-miami-jews-are-staying-home-during-hurricane-irma-since-its-the-sabbath/ Atheists challenge program that allows prisoners to leave prison for church: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/02/atheists-say-program-letting-prisoners-leave-jail-to-go-to-church-is-illegal/ Sandy Rios: The Right are like the Nazis of goodness: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/sandy-rios-the-right-are-like-nazis-but-they-export-goodness-instead-of-genocide/ This Week in Misogyny: Pastor: Aborted babies are food for empowering Baal: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/09/christian-activist-aborted-babies-food-source-empowering-baal/ Muslim website blames jews for misinformation about FGM: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/10/muslim-website-blames-jews-for-misinformation-on-female-genital-mutilation/

Warning, the following podcast may be inappropriate for children, but it also may not be. Depends on what kind of shit your kids are into, I guess. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Zip Recruiter and by our Sam Clovis in seven words or less contest. Just in case you missed it, he's the not scientist nominated by Donald Trump to be chief scientist for the Department of Agriculture. scientist nominated by Donald Trump to be chief scientist for the Department of Agriculture. And today's winner is Colin, who had in USA potato does science on you. Nicely done, Colin.

And with all the fierce competition, we're obviously going to keep this one going. Please keep sending us your best seven words or less using the hashtag Clovis scathe and you could be the next winner. And now skating. This Aches. This is Emerson from the Counterapologetics Podcast, where you can quickly prepare for your next family Thanksgiving and explain to your Aunt Kathy and drunk uncle for the hundredth time that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. it's thursday it's september 14th and ted cruz and i watched the same damn porno. That was depressing, wasn't it? I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Donald Trump stacks the bench with nutjobs. Sandy Rios points out that neo-Nazis might be nationalists, but at least they're not socialists. And we'll examine a miracle claim that doesn't have a leg to stand on. But first, the diatribe.

A couple weeks back, I suffered through yet another man-on-the-street movie lit by Ray Comfort, and I came away even more pissed off than normal. Now, for those who aren't as in-the-know on Christian movies as myself, Comfort makes these little half-hour YouTube videos that he calls movies, and pretty much all of them consist of Ray bothering college-age stoners with a scripted dialectic about Jesus. So when it came time to throw yet another frame around this same stale portrait, Ray thought to himself, hey, you know what the kids are really into these days? Suicide. So he mocks up a street interview montage called exit the appeal is suicide and for months i know this is coming because ray's got this despicable marketing campaign where he waits for famous people to kill themselves and then goes on social media and says see not enough

jesus should have watched my movie and of course this whole time i also know that i'm gonna wind up watching this fucking thing eli gets excited enough to lick eyeballs when it comes to ray comfort movies already but this one was also about suicide Ray Comfort and suicide it's like a perfect storm of Eli obsessions so no doubt he was tracking the days to release with a homemade advent calendar of different little suicide implements so as we draw ever closer to the debut I'm preparing myself and I'm preparing myself in two ways and now the first one obviously is psychological you know 40 minutes might not seem like that long a time until you spend it listening to ray comfort try to outsmart high school dropouts but i've been here before the other way though was intellectual

and that might sound silly right intellectual preparation to refute a ray comfort movie but i had reason to believe that he'd actually hit on a pretty solid Christian apologetic for this one. See, suicide rates are lower among religious people. And I assumed that that was what the movie was going to be about. So in advance of watching it, I did a bunch of research. So I'd be ready to refute the point in as many ways as he was ready to make it. And then we watched the fucking movie and Ray never even brought it up, never even mentioned it. In fact, it turned out the movie was mostly about how Jesus is better for you than antidepressants. So it was an even more despicable message than I was expecting. Also a bit of an admission that he's through trying to convince atheists and he's now moved on to people with untreated mental illnesses. But it also meant

that I'd done more goddamn research going into this movie than the assholes who made it. But I'll be damned if i'm gonna let all that research go to waste i mean just because ray comfort didn't bring it up doesn't mean you're not going to encounter some christian asshole that wants to talk about suicide so let's talk about suicide quick well eli's not on the line to get all excited first things first as near as i can tell the statistic is true and it doesn't seem like there's a whole lot of argument about that religious people commit suicide with a lower frequency than atheists now i'd love to give you a hard number on that but i can't find anything like a consensus i found numbers that range so widely that it's not even

worth bringing any of them up the only consensus i could find in fact was that the studies on this subject were too small flawed and contradictory and contradictory. But even accounting for that, there's almost certainly some underlying truth to the claim. But obviously, the number really matters here. I mean, suicide and atheism are demographically linked to begin with, so it'd be downright bizarre if there wasn't some kind of correlation. Atheism is most prevalent among young white men in this country, and that's exactly the demographic that does the highest amount of killing of itself so this number can be both statistically significant and meaningless at the same time what's more if we assume that religion is like all other stuff it stands to

reason that depressed people would withdraw from it even if it was super important to them so the definition of religious in the study matters a lot and it also varies a lot now with no consistency in the estimate, it's hard to parse out what can be explained away with confounding variables like these. You know, what's more, like any subject of scientific inquiry, this one suffers from the file drawer effect, right? Studies that show no correlation are way less likely to get published than studies that do, both from the perspective of a journal and of an author. So studies that show insignificant results aren't properly represented in the literature. And this problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of these studies are done

by people who have a vested interest in religion having value, right? They mostly come out of religious universities. They're mostly funded by religious groups, and they're most often administered by religious researchers. Now, that's not to say that those groups can't be objective, but it sure as hell opens up a new level of bias against negative studies what's more this bias also means that the interest in the subject stops shy of the truth see when legitimate psychological researchers find a number like this they try to divide it up their next question is okay so what is it about religion that leads to suicide prevention right and then they try to come up with surveys that'll account for all the you know cornucopia of semi-related cultural tendencies and beliefs that we lump together and call religion is it the social support network is it the fear of hell is it an increased focus on external moral codes

but religious researchers they don't want the answer to those kind of questions the only way this statistic works to their advantage is if the answer is like hey people commit less suicide because religion is good and j Jesus makes you stop being depressed. Any answer other than that nullifies their subsequent arguments and whatever the actual answer it is, it isn't that, so they have no interest in a deep intellectual dive.

Of course, nothing I just said amounts to a refutation. I will admit that. If some religious asshole comes at you trying to sell Jesus on his suicide prevention powers, explaining how incomplete the research is doesn't win you any points.

Offering up possible confounding factors only explains away the worst of the research. But luckily for us, we don't need to refute this. We don't need to explain it. It doesn't fucking matter. You know what's 100% effective in terms of suicide prevention? Murder. You know, can't kill themselves if we kill them first, right? Not a super solid argument in favor of suicide prevention murder you know can't kill themselves if we kill them first right not a super solid argument in favor of murder see the whole bit where religious

researchers look for positive things that correlate with religiosity is a transparent mockery of scholarship to begin with they're not trying to find answers they're trying to impose them and nothing they find even has the potential to logically bolster their underlying arguments. I mean, even if Christians were a thousand times less likely to commit suicide, it doesn't get Jesus any closer to the throne. Even if that bullshit stat about religious people living longer was true and it's not, it wouldn't make religion any truer. In other words, even if this argument succeeds, it fails. But if that's not enough for you, if you want a solid numeric refutation i guess i should at least offer you something and luckily i've got something to offer you see this whole thing with

religiosity and suicide doesn't seem to hold internationally it's largely an american phenomenon so maybe just maybe american atheists just have to put up with a much more depressing level of religious argumentation they me for headlines tonight are the ron popeal and billy maze of atheism heath then right and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to give religion the pitch slapping it deserves you but don't answer yet gonna love my nuts i going to teabag religion. Okay, yeah, you can answer. You guys laugh, but my collection of model samurai swords is going to put my kids through college. All right, well, looks like we're going to have to have the slap chop conversation with Eli again. So we're going to pause for a quick word to hear from this week's sponsor, Zip Recruiter.

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Visit me, babe. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, lots of the problems in this country would go away if the South wasn't allowed to vote. I'm not saying we should disenfranchise a huge group of people because that would sidetrack the story. However, here's three sentences that are all true.

If we canceled the electoral votes from the South and just let the Confederacy, you know, do their own thing from now on. True sentence number one, Donald Trump would not be president. There's that. True sentence number two, as not president, it wouldn't matter at all if Trump wanted Christian fundamentalists to be powerful judges. And true sentence number three, people of Alabama would have no chance of making Roy Moore one of the hundred most powerful legislators in the country where I live. Right, right. God damn it. I am convinced by the opening line of the story.

Yeah. Well, and think about it. It would also save us a ton of money on hurricane cleanup if we got rid of those states. Three votes. Unanimous. The counterfactual

universe I was setting up sounds pretty nice, right? Maybe it'll get picked up by HBO. But sadly, that means our factual universe is an intellectual hellscape of ignorance and stupidity. And some of the latest evidence of that comes in the form of three Christian extremists who will likely become extremely powerful members of government. First up, we have Amy Coney Barrett, Trump's recent nominee for a lifetime appointment to the U.S. Court of Appeals. Barrett is a Christian dominionist who believes that the laws of the Bible should supersede the laws of the Constitution, which very literally contradicts the oath that federal judges take.

Yes. Yeah. And he plays dominoes, apparently, which is boring. Because he's a dominoist. A domino- apparently which is boring because he's a dominoist a domino manonis all right so just for the record um that oath i was talking about ends in so help me god so people are gonna try to make that argument but that means you're supposed to let god guide you away from letting your religious beliefs get in the way of upholding the constitution yeah i guess we'll have to find out if god's any good at that coming up i feel like god's gonna be like a dad watching you build a model airplane just like

wingspan wingspan it's fine it's fine you're doing good kiddo just well and when oran hash pointed out that she'd said multiple times that judges should put their religious beliefs before the law she vehemently denied a different thing than what he'd asked. Not what he'd asked her about, but a different thing. And she was very vehement about it. Orrin Hatch is having the worst year. That's like the one good thing coming from 2017. Maybe that's all of 2017 is just Orrin Hatch reaping what he sows, right?

All right. Next up, we have Jeff Mateer, Trump's nominee to become a U.S. district judge. Mateer is a Christian activist judge from Texas who is pro-guns, pro-life, except for gunshot victims, I guess. And also a denier of church-state separation being described in the First Amendment, which it clearly fucking is. And based on my Google image search, he looks like he always just got caught masturbating. Check it out.

It's uncanny. Wait, he looks like Ted Cruz? I'm sorry. While we're on that subject, Ted, when you get caught tweeting porn, maybe you don't tee us up with a line about staffing issues. I mean, come on. I feel attacked.

Happens to everybody. Staffing issues. But yeah, apparently this Mateer guy was in the habit of offering his students a hundred bucks if they could find the exact words separation of church and state in the Constitution and then act like he proved something when they could only find a paraphrase thereof. The fucking argument from there's no rule that says a dog can't play

basketball. That's his judicial philosophy. But there's a rule that like a dog can't play professional sports. Right, yeah, exactly. Go fuck yourself. And finally, we have former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Mooreore who decided that after being twice fired in disgrace from that job as chief justice of alabama most recently for anti-gay

bigotry he decided the appropriate next career move would be running for u.s senate and with a runoff in the gop primary coming up later this month, somebody dug up a 2015 interview during which Roy Moore was asked if gay people should be executed like it very clearly states in the Bible that they should. And his answer went something like this. Well, I don't. You know, too slow. We were looking for no. The answer from a potential U.S. senator needs to be no. We do not execute all the gay people. And I knew that right away.

It did not take me any time to think. All the anti-gay questions are a lightning round. All the executing people ones tend to be. Yeah. And then can we still call it intelligence news tonight? A recent report in Foreign Policy magazine underscores growing concern about the Christification of the CIA that those alarmist atheist podcasters were warning you about because Mike Pompeo

is a wackadoo zealot for Jesus who has repeatedly said that the only cure for terrorism is Christianity and openly endorsed holy war between Jesus and Moe. In those words, he didn't call him Moe, but other than that, and it turns out that that's not without consequence when you let that guy run the CIA.

Yeah. We all know the cure for terrorism is socialism and eugenics. Oh, jeez. Curing terrorism with Christianity is like curing AIDS with herpes. And there's still some AIDS. Yeah. You just have herpes also now. Wait, wait, wait.

When did this turn into an attack on my sex life? Why do headlines always turn into an attack on my sex life? Why do headlines always turn into an attack on my sex life? We do a bunch of stories about pedophiles. Never talk about Heath. I'm just saying. I feel hate being the new guy. Now, if you're a sex life, shouldn't be an attack on it. It just doesn't matter.

I should say up front, and I should have said it several seconds ago, I'm sure, that the report is a bit light on specifics, but it's a report about the CIA. So that's kind of to be expected, right? Yeah. It does, however, cite numerous unnamed sources who have expressed concern about the swelling theocracy within the agency. heavy public addresses to the agency, his weekly attendance at White House Bible studies, and his habit of ending phone calls with a valediction of have a blessed day like you just called to see what time the old country buffet closed. And how blessed could your day really be if it's closed

and you have to buy your weight in gravy per gallon at the store? Fuck that. A la carte? Standing there in the aisle, what am I going to do? Eat myself to death at home like a cat with a broken food dispenser? No. No, thank you. I'd like to do this in establishment with overhead lighting.

I made it 41 years without that image in my head, and now it's there and it'll never leave. No, I should be fair. Signing off phone calls as though you were Lucinda's grandma and spending Sunday morning in a guided game of let's pretend aren't particularly alarming. Well, well, they should be. But this is America and we're used to that level of institutional insanity. It's true.

We are. We are. Yeah. No, it's sad. But it's worth dwelling on Pompeo's repeated claims that the West is at war with Islam, especially when his subordinates start warning that evangelical Christianity is, quote, becoming part of CIA dogma and that, quote, his religious convictions are bleeding over into the CIA. End quote. I feel like there's going to be more to say on this later. Just picturing some operative hanging from a ceiling.

Have a blessed day. You too, man. Let me know when that hack goes through so the Chinese don't cut my balls off in front of my kids. You too. And in groping arguments news tonight, a Michigan pastor made headlines back in August after being accused of sexual abuse. And then last week, the local prosecutor finally released an official statement about that. So there's good news and there's bad news. Oh, okay.

Yeah, the good news, the victims are grown up. That's just barely. She was 19 at the time, but still refreshing. This is a refreshing story is what I'm saying. We have different definitions of good and bad news. Well, I mean, it's refreshing. Relative. Relative.

Of course, for every other detail in this story. Oh, yeah. Worst of which is the fact that the pastor will somehow not be charged with a crime despite groping this woman all over her body, including inside her pants. Well, if only someone had set some kind of precedent. I mean precedent, precedent. Yeah, but I feel like even by his standards, it doesn't count if grabbing her by the pussy

is what made you famous. You have to be famous first. I'll tweet at him. I'll ask. All right, so the uncharged groper in question is Pastor Mitch Olson of Grace Ministry Center, which everyone should stop giving money to. And by the way, Grace Ministry Center is of Christianity, which everyone should stop giving money to for so many reasons, including this story. So according to the police report, Olson got this woman's home address somehow, went to her house with a bottle of lube and started anointing

her with the lube that what he calls first he put it on her head but then he started asking if he could lube up some other parts of the body and yes exactly the parts of the body you'd ask about if you were a sexual predator hoping to use your trusted position as a pastor to fondle naive victims which he proceeded to do. And apparently that's legal. Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh,

sort of, I pretended to be a gynecologist. So she consented. Not a good excuse. Just saying. I mean, trust me. I say that for me.

Yeah. In advance, neither is she had the symptoms of chronic Lyme disease while we're on the subject. She was tired. I don't want to have this fight on air. John, the name. Okay. Moving on.

Just for the record, the police report also contains confirmation of the victim's account from an assistant pastor who told the authorities that Olsen admitted to the whole thing, but also claims that he didn't intentionally do anything wrong. He didn't intentionally do anything wrong he didn't intentionally and if you're thinking what the fuck does that mean

did he like slip and land with his hand in this woman's pants yes that's his exact excuse no olsen told the assistant pastor that the bottle of lube broke which made it you know all slippery everywhere oh god and that his hand slipped and might have gone into her pants because of all the slippery slipping yeah like chevy chase in uh in uh caddy shack i get it it's like this guy watched a 90s porno and was like that's the ticket so i was just innocently thrusting my penis into the air when along came this lady's mouth. So, moral of the story,

you grab a woman by the pussy, just make sure you're a pastor or the president of the United States with tiny hands, and apparently you won't get in trouble. She might not even notice. Apparently, yeah. The hands are small enough. And in just desserts news tonight, a u.s district judge ordered the producers of last ounce of courage to pay out 32.4 million dollars in damages last week

but and the fact that we're not getting a cut of that is insane by the way i just want one of those millions just yeah exactly exactly we're not trying to be greedy now granted this judgment was about a bunch of illegal robo callscalls that Mike Huckabee recorded, but the movie was bad enough that anyone who watched it should at least get something. Yeah, I'd be cool with a cut of the money or a literal cut of Mike Huckabee. Like a little piece to make bacon. You know that's going to be delicious. He would make good bacon. Just at the front of the line, do you have any jowl? I'd love some jowl.

Is there any jowl i'd love some jowl is there any jowl left yes there is so this film which received a perfect score on rotten tomatoes of zero percent tells the classic story of a harley driving small town mayor fighting to rest christmas back from the secular clutches of the aclu aclu yeah they were the bad guys we reviewed this delusional persecution fantasy back on episode nine of god awful movies but apparently in order to get the non-sarcastic views of the film up the producers had to resort to the aforementioned illegal robocalls just mike huckabee doing impressions hello it's me justin bieber i sure did love Last Ounce of Courage.

Girl. I gotta say, I'm genuinely fine with this if we get the bacon. Maybe a little shot of his blood to make it candy, but this is perfect. Yeah, no, I needed a more vivid image of that one too. Through his veins is what I'm saying. So the call-in question featured the live action bugs bunny

villain of politics mike huckabee verbally whacking off the bald eagles in freedom and apparently contravened the telephone consumer protection act which prohibits pale fat mouse looking baptist pundits to call you up and offer movie reviews without your consent apparently which is a good law yeah good luck go 73rd and 102nd congress's way to look ahead yeah good law absolutely i'd even take a patch of skin just like a little strip from one of his layers that he has all right that's three times now and we had a whole meeting about not asking for the flesh of our enemies on air and i didn't i feel like arrive having eaten. That was the conclusion. Electro college, veto. So, one vote. Anyway, the maximum fine for

violating this law is $500 per call, and at 3.2 million calls, that comes to a possible whopping $1.6 billion. So, I guess the producers should be happy that they're getting that bargain basement fine of $32.4 million,

or $ 10 per call according to boxofficemojo.com by the way the film's lifetime gross comes to about 3.32 million dollars and under budget it instead of dollar signs it has a symbol that i looked up it means golden corral coupons they had 48 of those uh which means that we made about $30 million more off of this movie than they did. Right? And thus my life has been wisely lived. Well, if that episode had

failed, I was going to call people's houses to tell them how much they missed out, so I feel like it's a good thing. Better than them. And in ramen for gold news tonight, our older listeners may remember former tennessee state legislator and former chair of the house committee on banking and commerce larry bates from the 1970s when noah was a young man of only 45 you guys can make fun all you want

you're jealous of the giant dragonflies we rode around in the carboniferous period you guys i am jealous it was it was awesome indeed indeed but for those of you whose first cart didn't start by crank he may be more familiar to you after his time in office when he sold hundreds of people gold and silver coins because the apocalypse was coming and the banks were going to collapse hey, this is targeted at me, I can tell. Bitcoins are worth almost $4,000 each right now. You're just jealous. My portfolio is apocalypse proof.

It's true. Yeah, but my womble blombles are worth $80 billion, blerk, blerk. Yeah, so in case you didn't catch this, Heath is banking on a late fourth quarter apocalypse. Anyway, unlike Heath, Bates did quite well for himself, making $87 million.

His secret? Not sending people the coins they paid for. 100% profit. It's brilliant. It's a great plan. Okay, well, that's also how a bunch of Bitcoin exchanges basically made their money, too. Yeah, no.

Fuck, hold on. I'm checking something. And I'm broke. Great. It's okay. It's okay. Think of the memories you had with the Bitcoins.

The memories. However, this story has a slightly unhappy ending. It turns out the whole not sending the coins thing is illegal. I checked with Andrew

and everything. And so, the 73-year-old has been sentenced to 21 years in jail and has been sentenced to 21 years in jail and has been ordered to pay back 21 million of the money he stole which if i'm doing my math correctly means he gets to keep 64 million dollars and spend the rest of his life in a free retirement home that is almost certainly as nice or nicer than any other retirement home in Tennessee.

So, on that note, Morgan, can you get a little patriotic music here? Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick from I Can Fuck Away Your Lyme Disease dot com. And I'm Heath Enright from the Emmy Award winning miniseries, Cooking Ramen with Heath. That's not illegal to say? Nope. from the Emmy Award winning miniseries, Cooking Ramen with Heath. That's not illegal to say? Nope. Cool. Emmy Award winning. America is in turmoil. And we're pretty sure that any second all the hospitals are going to go out of business

and all the doctors will die. Skeptical? What if I told you a medical doctor in the United States dies every day? Every single day. That means soon all the doctors are going to be dead. And who will get rid of your Lyme disease then? I don't know. Who?

It's me, Heath. Me. Right. Right. It's Eli. But now there's no need to visit New York City or dress like a schoolgirl. Because ifuckawayyourlimedisease.com is offering portable, reusable fuck coins. What's a fuck coin?

I'm glad you asked, Heath. It's a coin made out of the finest precious metals. Aluminum. That's it. I fucked the shit out of some aluminum. Um, it's... How did you... It's got a hole's it. I fucked the shit out of some aluminum. Um, and it's, how did you? It's got a hole in it.

And with your fuck coin, you'll be able to cure your Lyme disease just as soon as you get your coin. Any minute now. So don't wait. Call our phone number now at 916-750-4746. Again, that's 916-750-4746 with your name, address, and very specific instructions as to what kind of fuck coin you'd like.

Or call that number and just yell, I want a fuck coin. I want a fuck coin over and over and over again into the voicemail. I can fuck away your LymeDisease.com. Fuck coins. Because all the hospitals are going to close. Trust me. That was Thomas Smith's number, wasn't it? It sure is, Heath.

It sure is. Well, obviously, I've got a couple of disclaimers to draft now, so we'll take a quick break from the headlines and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. I guess there's some stupid that's just too determined to hold down for long. And that's certainly the case with my first nutbag of the week. You may recall the guys talking about my second favorite fireman, Mark Taylor, last week. He was the guy who said that Illuminati was scrambling our DNA with radio frequencies so that we'd dislike Trump. Well, it turns out he couldn't keep a lid on the crazy jar for long.

Because this week, he let us know that when you think you're supporting women's reproductive rights, what you're really doing is goldfishing a giant demon god. Because, and I quote, Now, for those unfamiliar with what a lack of proper medication and a book that nobody will tell you isn't true will do to you, according to Taylor, quote, the strong man over America is Baal. He is the counterfeit Christ. It feeds off the blood of the innocent, which is the aborted babies. This is why Baal is the strong man, because the aborted babies are the food source that is empowering Baal, end quote. So just remember, ladies, if you ever wonder why people in this country are trying to take away your bodily autonomy, they're not. They're just trying to starve a demon. Now, before our international listeners start feeling all high

and mighty here, I should point out that America isn't sweeping the asshole awards this week. It turns out Canadians can be women hating pieces of shit too. Take, for example, the website Muslims of Calgary, which offers Muslims in Calgary advice on investments, child rearing, and of course, defenses for female genital mutilation that blame the Jewish media for its bad reputation. So yeah, that's a real article they published. Author Asif Hussain starts off by defending the practice with science that would make Ken Ham blush. Then he adds, quote, I could see nothing wrong with it, since all they said that was required was to remove the prepuce or the skin covering the clitoris, And if you're wondering what those benefits are, keep wondering because he's not going to clue you in. going to clue you in. In preparation for an actual doctor asking what the fuck Willis was talking about, Hussein implied that there was all kinds of studies showing the benefits of FGM, and he'd

love to cite them, but quote, these studies have been conveniently overlooked to conform to Islamophobic sentiments expressed by a largely Jewish-controlled media, adding, quote, it is in the interest of the Jews to criticize female circumcision while promoting male circumcision. So you heard it here first, folks. All those Jewish doctors just hate Islamic egalitarianism. That's what it is. And while you picture Eli diving in front of a clitoris to the tune of I Will Always Love You in an effort to protect his secret cabal? I'll turn you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in O'Jews news tonight, as South Florida was busy getting the fuck out of South Florida last weekend, a number of Orthodox Jews elected to stay behind because the 3,000-year-old book was pretty clear when it came to driving cars on Saturdays. Oh my God, this really happened? Yeah. No, in defense of their senseless obstinance, Jews who elected to stay pointed out that even a Category 2 hurricane can be devastating to A-roof lines. And of course, others cite historical evidence that when it comes to Jews, exoduses kind of take forever. Some pet store owner in Miami doing an interview with the storm hurricane guy like

jewish guys kept coming in asking for two of everything i made a fortune i'm sorry uh you guys probably don't get this but the chance to complain about super rain i am not missing this it's a cultural thing you wouldn't understand yeah and then there's just weeks of complaining about no air conditioning after that. It's amazing. Now, to be fair, the Times of Israel was quick to remind its Orthodox readers, which are its readers, that Jewish law does permit violating the Shabbat when your life is at risk. I knew that. The fact that they have to say that draws a pretty big circle around the problems with religion.

And it's worth dwelling on the fact that for every Orthodox dude deciding to ride out the storm, there's probably four and a half Orthodox kids that don't get a vote. Right? And that half kid still gets himself around the toy store on his hands just yelling. It's terrifying.

And in prison fake news tonight. This is a very specific joke aimed directly at Heath. I wasn't ready. I was about to make a toy store call. He thought it was faster and better. Look, everyone who's worked in retail has had that moment and gone, I'm not an anti-Semite I'm not I like Jewish people I like Jewish people

a lot of my friends are regular Jewish people I like Woody Allen before he was a rapist I like it's not because they're Jewish anyone who dressed like that and acted like that I would hate it's just not about giving yourself a pep talk in the car

on the way home. It's on. I'm a good person. I'm a good nut. Call forward. And in prison fake news tonight. An odd new work release program has people scratching their heads this week in Tennessee. week in tennessee after news broke that a county jail allows prisoners to leave prison in normal clothes with no armed supervision to go to church oh oh okay see i didn't because only good people

go to church i get it up until then it sounded like a terrible idea right so the prisoners don't do the whole opposite of the point of jail thing, namely leave jail alone. They're accompanied by a spiritual advisor. You see. Like Obi-Wan Kenobi? Yeah. And I should point out, despite the way he acts on his show, their spiritual advisor, not Dog the Bounty Hunter. I feel like at a certain point, a mullet becomes a hate crime.

There should be a law about the dimensions. Like a certain point, that's a hate crime. You hear that, MacGyver? You are not going to enjoy this week's game, Heath. The bar. It's got the Canadian mullet. It's north of the line. Now, to be fair, the program is not as crazy as it

sounds. It's crazy, it's just not as crazy as it sounds. Prisoners need to be within 60 days of release, they need a clean disciplinary record, and only one inmate has broken the rules by bringing contraband back to the jail. That they know of. One inmate has been caught.

But there's a far more serious problem with this program than the guy passing you the collection plate, really insisting you trading it for ramen noodles. Okay, but here's my question. Are they letting atheist inmates go to eugenics conferences?

Because we are Nazis who worship Darwin. Are they letting us do that? It has to be fair. See, that is the problem. The program only allows prisoners to leave for church, not like Secular Sunday, for instance, our live show in Austin and Salt Lake City.

Tickets are available in the show notes. Hmm. Subtle. Yeah. Yeah. No, we don't get enough unparoled felons at our shows, though. They target in marketing. I like it, Eli.

Thank you. Thank you. Now, this discrepancy prompted FFRF lawyer Sam Grover, who should work on having a less Jewish name, to write them a letter pointing this out, saying, quote, the program is illegal because it ties a substantial and desirable benefit, the opportunity to experience life outside of jail and spend time in civilian clothing, to an exclusively religious act, engaging in religious worship at a church, end quote.

Well, yeah. Closest Jesus ever came to offering real salvation, though. There is that. True, true. So, yeah, as much as I'm in favor of rehabilitative rather than a punitive approach to incarceration, until the hypothetical incarcerated atheist can leave jail to go bore someone at a party,

which is our version of church, by just getting, like get some wine and cheese, I'm going to push back on you. They can all do that. Until that's allowed, it violates what's left of our trembling, dying First Amendment. And that's bad.

Yeah. And, uh, Heath, please put my good Nazi line in context. Okay. Noah said good Nazi earlier. Pause. Refreshing. Pause. Everybody think about that.

There is no context. Separate story. Finally tonight, from the God win some, God lose some file. American Family Radio host Sandy Rios presented a very interesting theory about Nazis last week during her religious bigot morning show. Hmm, long tail marketing. Long tail marketing. Yeah, and it must have been important to her

because this took a big chunk out of the fags cause hurricane segment, which the entire Christian radio industry is apparently required to air almost constantly throughout September. Yep. So according to Rios, everyone should stop criticizing conservatives because, yes, they are like Nazis, but the good ones. They're like the good Nazis. OK. Really said.

Honesty is refreshing. Not really sure. Right. Jokes for this. Did she start talking about how they earn it for the money? Because this is my job. This is my job. She's just doing it. Yeah, no, but see, this makes sense, though. If you think about it, something like 5% of those Jews probably were bad, right?

Just statistically speaking. 13 million Nazis in that army. That's like 650,000 good Nazis right there. That's just math. Just in case anyone's not familiar, Sandy Rios is a monster. Oh, yeah. According to her mugshot page on Right Wing Watch that she has,

Rios has linked homosexuality to terrorism. She's promoted conversion therapy to cure the gay people. And she's accused the entire LGBT community of being child predators. She is that lady and if you're wondering about her physical appearance uh again she is that lady i want you to picture a woman yelling at a manager trying to return sushi at a gas station now picture that woman's jedi master great and now picture a lioness with Botox.

It's all those things combined. Just taking selfies with younger lionesses. Growl. So here's what happened on the show. Rios was speaking with Frank Gaffney, the anti-Muslim conspiracy theorist, but like in a bad way, who looks like Ben Bernanke became an evil wizard.

And Gaffney was kicking around dirt, whining about how he got labeled the leader of a hate group. I'm just guessing, but it might have been related to saying things like homosexuals, feminists, Jews, apostates, and brown people all hate America, which are pretty much his exact words during this interview. Anyway, rios responded by agreeing with gaffney and then making a natural segue to conservatives being good nazis um she thinks the american right has the same strong nationalism but they export goodness and help rather than slave-built mercedes and skin lamps or whatever the difference is. Like a music video where they drop candy and flowers instead of bombs.

The argument. So it's not clear if Rios was trying to praise the Christian right by drawing comparisons to Nazis or if she's trying to praise nazis by comparing to the christian rights pretty sure it doesn't matter though because both of those ideas are fucking insane either way though this is perfect for our really weird marketing team which which is us let's put 30 seconds on the clock slogans for the good nazi rebranding campaign go all right all right yeah there's good money in alternative history um nazis if it weren't for us all your movie villains would be racial

stereotypes uh good nazis hail littler um good nazis come see the softer genocide of sears uh good nazis because eli was gonna kill himself anyway oh i like it i like it uh good nazis still better olympic hosts than brazil at least munich was well organized like come on um good nazis some things money can't buy for everything else there's master race jesus uh good nazis do you like camping do you value concentration then what the fuck are you on about in the first place good nazis dust jewett about uh good nazis the other white sheep all right well if we praise nazis any longer we risk sounding presidential so i guess we're going to close the headlines there heath eli thanks as

always shoot shoots and ladders and when we come back god damn it the mental image of ted cruise jerking off to twitter still won't have left you completely. Many would-be apologists try to dodge the myriad logical contradictions in their theology by doing an anecdotal and run-around reason in the form of miracle claims. Now, most of these crumble to dust as soon as you critically examine them, but every so often you'll come across one so stupid that it crumbles to dust before that. But that doesn't stop people from using them, so it shouldn't stop us from talking about them. So we're happy to return once more to a segment where we look at the very best miracle claims that religion has to offer and scream, Oh my God, this is the very best they have to offer!

A segment that we call... The Devil's Advocates So tell us, Heath, what divine intervention will we be debunking today? Today we'll be discussing the miracle of Kalanda I believe it's pronounced calendar Oh, no, calendar I was about to say whatever word you're trying to suggest is spelled differently I wasn't sure. Colander.

It could have been colander. Yeah. Moving on. Anyway, why did you choose this one, Heath? Actually, this one was recommended to us by our buddy Brian from the Glasgow Skeptics. But I love it for a lot of reasons. See, you may have noticed that God only does miracle curing on things that also sometimes cure themselves and at the same rate in believers and non-believers which often leads to the question why doesn't god heal amputees but in

this case the claim is that god did exactly that all right you're an amputee apparently well i'll be the first to admit that's a hell of a trick oh okay but when i offer to show you my fabulous new magic act you burst into my bedroom in the middle of the night with a machete and a band-aid you'd written a magic word on uh so uh who's the amputee in question heath uh that would be miguel pelicer 17th century farmhand in northern spain ah the 17th century a time known for its architecture its philosophy and its exhaustive medical records. So this is well sourced.

Right. So in July of 1637, Miguel was working on his uncle's farm in Castellón when he suffered from a terrible mule-related accident. Oh, I've been there. You need ice. Lots of ice. Yeah, both before and after. You have to numb them up. Less fun than you're imagining, actually. He was riding a mule that was pulling a cart behind it when he fell off the mule and the heavy cart rolled over his right leg, breaking his tibia.

Side note, the Wikipedia article on this accuses him of falling asleep on his mule, which seemed kind of judgy. I mean, sometimes you just fall off your mule. Weirdly defensive, Heath. Something you want to share? No. Anyway, he received medical treatment from a local

doctor, but eventually he was sent to a hospital in Valencia. After being hospitalized for five days over his broken leg, he decided to head to a church in Zaragoza, which was 200 miles away, so he could better pray for his leg. Oh, Jesus.

No word on whether he walked or rode on a mule those 200 miles. But either way, he seemed to be asking for trouble. Yeah. Pretty much his fault. There's a mule backstory here that our audiences deserve the truth of, Heath and Ryan. They deserve the truth. Patreon extra this week is just going to be nine minutes of surprised mule sounds. I didn't sneak up. Anyway, so

he arrived in Zaragoza and the doctors noticed his leg was in the advanced stages of gangrene so they lopped it off. Two surgeons, Juan de Astanga and Diego Villaruelo carried out the operation, which

at that point in history consisted of getting him really drunk, giving him some like weird drink poison stuff and sawing off his leg a few inches below the knee. It hurt. Yeah. Once they were done, they buried the leg in the hospital cemetery, which was apparently the practice of the time, and then cauterized the stub with fire. apparently the practice of the time and then cauterized the stub with fire yeah if you were at qed with tom and heath you already have a mental picture but it doesn't sound all right so uh what becomes of the other 85 or so of him well at that point miguel couldn't get work as a farmhand anymore and uh nobody would hire him to go around to schools and give uplifting speeches about the dangers of drowsy mule riding so um hola kids has this ever happened to you so he turned to begging to earn his living but to his credit miguel was still being proactive about this leg thing according

to the stories every night he'd go into the church and ask the servants for a bit of lamp oil to rub on his stub in hopes that someday the virgin mary would miracle the leg back into place because the oil lamp oil huh stealing a miracle from the jews whatever it's fine it's fine i'm not mad christians stealing theological underpinnings from judaism the hell you say so thank you anyway uh seems like a long setup but we finally got a one-legged beggar ready to hop into a bar at any moment. Please proceed. Yeah, so in 1640, Pellicer

realized that he was at pretty much the pinnacle of his begging in Zaragoza career, so he decided to head back home to Calanda. Of course, he was still unable to work the fields, so he did some more begging, this time going door-to-door on a donkey. Oh, oh, I'm picturing it as like a double act where he and the donkey reenact the accident and ask for money at the end.

So there I am, walking alone, not asleep, not asleep, as my great-great-great-great-great-grandson will verify. I am also picturing a donkey show unrelated anyway this new begging career would only last for a couple months because in march of 1640 god heard miguel's prayers and decided to grow back the leg it happened one night while he was asleep at his parents house a soldier came to the house demanding a place to sleep so his parents gave the soldier Miguel's bed and pulled out a cot for Miguel in their bedroom.

Shortly before midnight, Miguel's mother woke up, glanced at the cot, and noticed not one, but two feet sticking out from below the blanket. Ah.

Okay, so this is either a miracle or the beginning of an amputee mom porn. I know which one I'm hoping for. Yeah, yeah, I know which one Ted Cruz is favoriting. Could have been both.

Anyway, sadly, it's just the former. When he awoke... Hashtag it woke. When he awoke, Miguel explained that he'd been dreaming of being within the sanctuary of the church in Zaragoza, rubbing oil on his leg. And that's why they all agreed that his leg must have been restored due to the Virgin Mary's intercession. News of the miracle spread quickly and soon enough the

church called for an official inquiry into Miguel's claim. Secondhand accounts of the year-long public hearings still exist and apparently two dozen witnesses spoke out. These witnesses were chosen for their reputation of trustworthiness and represented people who knew Miguel both in Colanda and in Zaragoza. And they all attested that his leg had indeed been amputated and then

restored. Okay, well then, case closed. Everyone knows it's impossible for more than 11 people to be wrong slash lie, so the scathing Catholics, the saving Catholics. What do we do? It does give us an in on that lucrative transphobia market. Two votes, three votes.

That's three votes. We are the saving Catholics. But let's finish the story anyway. We'll get into that Catholic thing after this segment. So in April of 1641, the Archbishop of Saracosa pronounced that this was, in fact, a miracle. In addition to the eyewitness testimony, the Archbishop cited records that showed that the restored leg still contained the cuts and bruises that were present before the amputation and noted that when they exhumed the spot in the cemetery where the leg had been buried,

they found that grave empty. Leading me to be inspired to create a cartoon about a little leg's journey home. It's like a brave little toaster, but with a dead leg. Yeah, no, I get it. The long-toed home.

I get it. So, this miracle is often held up as one of the best documented in the history of the catholic church not a great streak they have no noted italian journalist vittorio massori said of the event quote by far the majority of past events including the more important ones are attested with less documentary proof and official warranty. The miracle of Kalanda is an objective statement of fact, not apologetic reassurance. End quote.

Objective like Ayn Rand is objectivism. Yeah. Yeah. Among the documentary evidence, Missouri sites to make the claim are a notarized report of the miracle sent from Miguel's local parish copies of the minutes of the proceedings and the report of the local judge immediately after the event guys I was sold when Noah said advocate where do we get crackers we need crackers incorporate crackers I feel like crackers are important now uh you'll note that missing from that list of evidence is anything from before the miracle.

Right. Yeah. No record of the amputation, nor anything from the doctors who examined him pre-miracle. And while the surgeons that allegedly performed the surgery are named in the stories, they're curiously absent from the list of witnesses called to testify in the legal proceedings. Huh. Feels like they'd be relevant. Yeah. In fact, all anyone ever claimed in those proceedings was that they saw Miguel and, you know, counted his leg at one.

Look, if a guy with two legs isn't proof of a miracle, then I'm not a Catholic. Full stop. Yeah, no. No, I agree with Eli. So it sounds like you're suggesting that Missouri was a little overzealous in his assessment of the evidence. Well, there's an alternate explanation that fits with all the evidence and also doesn't require divine limb regeneration. And that theory can best be summed up with the question, what if he's full of shit? Yeah.

Ah, the argument from Yik Yakium. Yeah. So let's examine from Yik Yakium. Yeah. So let's examine the more cynical interpretation here. Miguel falls asleep on his mule. Lazy bastard. Hurts his leg and has to beg while he's waiting for that leg to heal. And along the way, he realizes he likes begging way more than he likes farming. But once his leg starts to look normal again, he's not making as much money.

So he decides to bind up his leg and present himself as an amputee. Okay, wait, but do you think somebody would really go to that much trouble just to rake in those sweet beggar dollars? Well, according to Eddie Murphy, absolutely. That's where this was inspired. Dr. Dolittle 4, God is fake. It's a weird movie. Weird movies. And this other theory also perfectly fits with the evidence well right like if his leg didn't have the bruises if they did find his leg in the graveyard that would be impressive right exactly so uh he leaves home and goes somewhere nobody

knows him and when he comes back he's short leg. He doesn't have to work anymore. His parents aren't bitching at him to pay his share of the bills. And all he has to do to gain all this is hop. But when he's forced to sleep in a bed where he's going to be visible, the whole thing falls apart. So he's like, oh, shit, looks like God must have finally grown my leg back. And that actually works. Wow. Or all the rules of medicine and physics stop working you decide nope nope heath decide um i'm heath so despite the grandiose claims of evidence from

apologists all the evidence and testimony is perfectly consistent with both the miraculous explanation and the perfectly mundane explanation. So with the feeling I'm missing an obvious Occam's bone saw joke here, I'm going to go ahead and conclude this one is complete bullshit. All right, then. So tell us, Heath, how bullshit is it? No, it's a wrong bit. Is it?

Which bit was this? This bit was... The Devil's Advocate. When's the movie? Before we give way to the next show on your playlist tonight, I want to remind you that there's still time to come see us in Austin on September 22nd. It's going to be an amazing Atheist Weekend. Live record of God Awful Movies on Friday night.

Atheist Community of Austin's Bat Cruise on Saturday night. Hangouts and meetups all weekend. Remember, a portion of the proceeds for this show are going to Hurricane Relief, so coming to watch us make dick jokes is now a charitable endeavor. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting Monday at 7 a.m. Eastern on even newer episode of our sister shows, hot friend, god awful movies debuting 24 hours after that. And a yet even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed at

noon Eastern on Wednesday. And if even that's not enough for you, you should probably get that checked. That should really be enough for you. Obviously I'd be at risk of losing my podcaster card. If I neglected to thank Heath Enright for his relentless enthusiasm about it being Thursday, I needed to thank the lovely and talented Heath Enright for his relentless enthusiasm about it being Thursday. I needed to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for her relentless loveliness and talent.

I need to thank Eli Bosnick for eventually relenting that we should always check with Andrew before buying late night ad time. Also want to thank Emerson from the Counter Apologetics Podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for providing an important resource for Atheist Podcast listeners. Short episodes, they deal with one common apologetic at a time. It's a newer show, so if you want to get on the ground floor as a listener, you'll find a link on the show notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best humans, Ryan, Beth, Keegan, Michael, Nicholas, Thomas, Ian, Dennis, and Charles. Ryan, Beth, and Keegan, who are so hot,

they were named honorary underground test facilities in North Korea. Michael, Nicholas, and Thomas, whose orgasms still give Kim Jong-un kiloton envy. And Ian, Dennis, and Charles, whose orgasms still give Kim Jong-un kiloton envy, and Ian, Dennis, and Charles, whose orgasms still give him intercontinental ballistic capacity envy. Together, these nine noble non-believers nullified naysayers' notions of the naive non-viability

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you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, Stitcher, Facebook, or wherever else you rate stuff. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P.A. Drutores and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAdeus.com This isn't my third take. This is your third take on the diatribe. Your third take editing the diatribe,

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