The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 240: Shriveling Johnson Edition

Episode Date: September 21, 2017

In this week’s episode, the Trump administration Rocky V’s us right in the johnson, we finally learn how to get some sexual attention from a sasquatch, and the Book of Alma will make the energizer bunny it’s bitch. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Headlines: One step closer to repealing the Johnson Amendment: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/16/the-house-has-passed-legislation-that-could-turn-churches-into-superpacs/ Superintendent responds to lawyer letter about “in god we trust” signs in school is “i hope you repent may god have mercy on your soul” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/08/arkansas-superintendent-to-atheist-lawyer-i-pray-you-will-repent/# Daubenmire: Gov should fund research to prove god is real: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/15/dave-daubenmire-the-government-should-fund-research-to-prove-god-is-real/ Facebook allowed advertisers to target anti-semites: http://religionnews.com/2017/09/14/facebook-enabled-advertisers-to-reach-jew-haters/ NC Mom invents bigfoot attracting spray: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/16/helpful-north-carolina-mom-invents-bigfoot-attracting-spray/ This Week in Misogyny: Slow moves towards gender equality throughout the Middle East: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/22/opinion/womens-rights-rape-laws-arab-world.html Tunisia lifts ban on Muslim women marrying non-Muslims: http://religionnews.com/2017/09/15/tunisia-lifts-ban-on-muslim-women-marrying-non-muslims/ Tunisian president calls for update in inheritance laws: http://religionnews.com/2017/09/15/tunisian-womens-rights-plan-rattles-muslim-traditionalists/

Warning, the following podcast contains profanity. If you want amateur fanity, you'll have to go elsewhere. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron, Stamps.com, and by our Sam Clovis in seven words or less contest. Today's winner is Penny Sapina, who had cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, fat. Nice work, Penny Sapita. And if you say that into a mirror, he actually appears in your kitchen with a mayo jar.

It's actually a pretty cool power. And the game continues. Please keep tweeting us your best seven words or less using the hashtag ClovisSkath and you could be the next winner. And now, Skathing Atheist. Rory, clean your bloody room.

Yeah, nah, yeah, nah. It's disgusting. It's almost like you evolved from filthy monkey men. Now clean your fucking room. Fuck off, Dad. It's Thursday. It's September 21st. And if you can hear this, everything is bigger in Texas. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli bigger in Texas. I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, the Trump administration rocky threes us right in the Johnson. We finally learn how to get some sexual attention from a Sasquatch. And the Book of Elmo will make the Energizer Bunny its bitch.

But first, the diatribe. so we've got this trip to australia coming up in november and as much as i'm looking forward to it there is a ton of shit that needs to get done between now and then so lucinda and i are slowly working our way down that checklist and last week the task at hand was finding somebody to take care of my diabetic cat while we're gone. So Lucinda finds a retired vet in the area that runs a part-time in-home pet sitting service. We call her up, set up a consultation because my cats are spoiled motherfuckers anyway.

So she comes by to meet the cats and sell us on our service. And during the interview, there's this little nugget that sticks in my craw. See, as she's explaining the extent of her services, she points out that typically she'll haul away any used litter the day before we get back from our trip unless of course we're coming back on a sunday because then she'd be in church now this is a weird thing to point out since we'd already told her what day we were coming back and it wasn't a sunday and in

fact we had just talked about that she knew good and damn well we were coming back and it wasn't a sunday and in fact we had just talked about that she knew good and damn well we were coming back on a wednesday so why the fuck would we care about her litter hauling availability on a sunday now there's two ways to interpret this of course and they both piss me off one is that it's just a like a bullshit method of building trust after all i'm about to entrust this woman with the key to my home and knowledge of how long I'm going to be away from it. So maybe this is her way of saying, oh, and you don't have to worry about me stealing your shit. I'm a Christian. Of course, there's a second layer to the bigotry here, too.

Right. The other unspoken message within her pointless aside was the ingrouping bullshit that serves as the core of religion. In addition to signaling her virtue, she was also reminding me that she's on Team Jesus, so if I'm on Team Jesus, I should do business with her. Now, when you live down south, you see a lot of businesses with like a Christian-owned sticker to signal the same thing. Don't buy from those brown folks down the street

with the weird accents. Buy from a white feller who also loves Jesus. But this is by no means confined to South Georgia and cat sitters. If you look for it, you'll have trouble going a full day without seeing some business or another offering up a Jesus wink. Later that same night, I'm watching TV when some mustachioed pretzel enthusiast pops on to sell me his revolutionary new pillow, all while wearing a crucifix that couldn't be any more conspicuous unless he had Peter Dinklage nailed to it. After all, you don't want to sleep on one of them filthy Jew pillows, do you? Try this one. Now, I want to be super clear

on what I'm bitching about here. Because, you know, look, I own a business and that business wears the atheist label, at least as proudly as the MyPillow guy wears his cross. But then again, I'm not selling a fucking pillow, right? I'm selling atheism. Atheism is an integral part of my business model. And I'm not doing a diatribe about how gaudy that cross on the top of some church is. And also, I don't give much of a fuck about what the MyPillow guy wears around his neck. Although I'd prefer a noose if it would stop those fucking commercials. I mean, some atheists wear pendants or t-shirts that say, hey, I'm an atheist over here and I support the hell out of that.

You know, if we don't interpret that to mean, hey, I'm better than non-atheists, then we shouldn't interpret the cross around somebody's neck any other way. Right. Atheists wear the label to let people know they're not ashamed of who they are, to signal to other atheists that they're not alone and to remind the people around them that atheists walk amongst them. And I'm sure that's what motivates most christians who wear that symbol of their belief right some people might instinctively scoff at that because they're the majority but just because you're the national majority doesn't mean you're a majority everywhere i can imagine some kid who grew up in the country goes to college in the big city might be comforted to see a crucifix around some stranger's neck and reminded that there are other people like him or

her around but as soon as that creeps into the commercial sector, it takes on an entirely different meaning. It's no longer possible to offer up the generous interpretation that you're just signaling your existence to other people who might be feeling alone or isolated. At this point, you're saying, wouldn't you rather give your money to a fellow Christian? And unless you're selling Bibles, Eucharists, or salvation, that is an undeniable invitation to bigotry. If one chooses to shop at the Christian-owned store instead of the Hindu-owned store because the former is Christian-owned,

that's the very definition of prejudice. And sparing that, what possible message could the Christian-owned symbol express? Now, some of our listeners might be hesitating to agree with that. They might be thinking to themselves, no, wait a second. If I had to choose between an atheist barber and a Christian one, I might choose the atheist barber based just on that. Is it really fair to call

that prejudice? And the short answer is yes, of course it is. But that's not to say it's equivalent. I mean, it could be equivalent. That listener might be sitting at home saying, damn, Christians are a bunch of idiots and they smell funny and they shouldn't be allowed to vote. I'm going to give my money to an atheist instead. And in that case, it's pretty detestable bigotry. But if they're saying, you know, Christian business owners are more likely to give their money to churches that support social causes, I find morally repugnant and thus I'd rather give my money to the atheist. It's no less prejudicial, but it's a lot less detestable.

And of course, the Christian business owner with the Jesus sticker on the door could make that same argument, right? They could say a Christian customer might choose their store because they have a reasonable expectation that the profits are more likely to go towards the social causes that they as Christians care about. And that's where the symbolic nature of Christianity becomes fuel for the con. Because what would it mean in the case of a Christian? I mean, an atheist business owner not giving money to a church is all but a dead certain bet. But what can we safely assume about the Christian business owner? Well, he's probably not going to give money to the FFRF. And if that swings a person's purchasing decisions, I guess I have no issue with that. But the praying hands

on the counter are no more indicative of the morality of the business owner than the worn out Bible on the dashboard is indicative of biblical knowledge. Secular business owners are every bit as likely to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and lift up the poor as their religious counterparts. So if your buying decisions are based on those assumptions, it's purely a product of prejudice. And if you're talking about some other Christian cause, something that isn't a near universal moral imperative,

stuff like hating gay people or fighting against abortion then your prejudice is based on a different prejudice and you're a bigot squared they're talking about your jesus joining me for headlines tonight are two gentlemen ready to give austin a hurricane of laughs heath then right and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to see if those well-armed Texans are ready for jokes like that yet? I am yielding my ground. Everybody needs to know. The views expressed in this episode

do not necessarily reflect the views of Heath Enright or any of my subsidiaries. I want to fuck a Southern. Most of his views. Most of his views. Some of them. Speaking of people who don't endorse anything said on this podcast, it's time for an endorsement. So we're going to take a quick break for a word

from this week's first sponsor, Blue Apron. Yup. Wee. Uh-oh. Hey. Carl the Pug Begcorn. What's happening, buddy?

Oh, hey, Heath. Just trying to get these groceries up the stairs. Oh, all right. Well, let me help you with that. Thanks. Watch the horn. Got it. Horn, sorry.

Appreciate it. Trying to cook at home, you know. Be a real asshole. Yeah, looks like it. But why don't you just try Blue Apron? Blue Apron? What's that? Oh, it's the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country.

Recipe delivery service? What's a recipe delivery service? Well, once a week, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. to make delicious home-cooked meals. Each meal comes with a step-by-step, easy-to-follow recipe card and pre-portioned ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. Well, 40 minutes or less, you're pulling my tail. I am not. It's true. I use Blue Apron all the time. So does Eli.

It's a great way to eat healthy, delicious food on a tight schedule. And it's great for me because I like to wake up at three in the morning and make pork chops because I'm a crazy vampire zombie human who can't sleep like normal human beings, apparently. That's true. Look, it sounds great, but I'm sorry, Heath. That's got to be way out of my price range. Food delivered to the door.

I'm a simple pug of pegacorn. Not at all. You'd be surprised. It's less than $10 a meal per person. Or pug of Pegacorn. Not at all. You'd be surprised. It's less than $10 a meal per person. Or Pug a Pegacorn. Less than 10 bucks a meal? That's got my wings a-flappin'. All right.

How do I sign up? You can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash scathing. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash scathing. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Wait a second, Carl.

Are all of these groceries garlic bread? You got me. Oh, you and your garlic bread. love garlic bread classic dog horse horn wings and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight the house of representatives took a big juicy step towards the accuracy last week when they passed legislation that would gut the johnson amendment and finally rid political action committees from all that pesky oversight now because the bill probably wouldn't stand on its own it was buried in a megabus appropriations bill and while it doesn't repeal the amendment it would forbid the irs from spending so much as a

cent investigating or enforcing the law unless the irs commissioner signs off on it informs two congressional committees waits 90 days to act, and cuts down the tallest tree in the forest with a herring. I got to admit, it kind of feels freeing. Like when the woman you're sleeping with finally breaks up with you at her wedding. You know, it's just a good... It feels clean.

It's cool. I like the friend zone. Thank you. I wanted this. See this area I'm marking out here with my arms? This is my wheelhouse. All friend zone. this see this area i'm marking out here with my arms this is my wheelhouse all friends own this area this act comes on the heels of an executive order from schmuck all orange in may that basically ordered the irs not to ask or tell which of course

they already weren't doing but as impotent as it was the act led to a backlash from a number of faith leaders who are desperate to protect their ability to get political candidates to fuck off the phone with a single sentence. Allah Akbar? No, that's not. They should try, so I was talking to Mueller and he said... We get at least half of them off the line.

Of course, there are other faith leaders who fucking love this idea, right? And that would be the Pulpit Freedom Sunday crowd that we've been warning you about for five years now. other faith leaders who fucking love this idea right and that would be the pulpit freedom sunday crowd that we've been warning you about for five years now you know the guys who openly advocate for a theocracy and look let's be clear about the incentives here you tell churches hey here's an immoral way you can make a lot more fucking money some of them are actually going to turn this down on principle and then they'll go out of business when the better funded and less ethical churches start raking in all that sweet super PAC money.

And we are open for business. Let's be clear. I'm still trying to sell the whole church idea. But once I do, I'm taking all comers. Money. Because you can't leave nice Facebook comments to your grandkids. So we landed on Mormon, right? Already got a binder going.

Ready to go. I like them, but I don't know. The Buddhists look like they're making moves. Maybe get them on the ground for an aggressive business model. You know what I'm saying?

They are freeing up some space. Right? There will be some space. Yeah. And in superintended news tonight, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, the schools in arkansas

are not religious enough that statement was actually true until you said it okay but luckily as of a couple weeks ago that is gonna change because there's a new law in arkansas requiring and this is real all school districts to post in god we trust in classrooms and libraries as long as the signs were donated or money was given to them for that purpose. Oh, for fuck's sake. And if you're wondering, hey, doesn't that blatantly violate the establishment clause? You aren't the only one. Which is why the American Atheist Legal Center sent a letter to every superintendent in the state telling them that putting up any of these signs would make them complicit in establishing religion in their schools, thereby setting themselves up for litigation. And they could avoid any problems

by rejecting all donations for this purpose, which, for the record, is a really nice thing of the atheist lawyers to do. Given the history of hundreds of these lawsuits at this point which cost these underfunded school districts money they can't afford to lose i'm trying to think of how we get this message across like a troop of atheist lawyers tour the south performing and hurt the wind for all you're the bad guys in this play you got that right you're the bad guys i'm the jewish failure i don't understand he wins wait well luckily for me the superintendent read the extremely nice letter from the group of lawyers in the same aggressive bossy hateful tone that i did and responded accordingly now the american atheist chose not to publish this person's name because they're nicer than I am.

So I'm just going to call them Superintendent Dick Farts. And they responded to the letter with the following email. Blackwell. Weird start already. That's just the last name of the lawyer who sent the letter. Odd choice. Not Mr., just Blackwell. Well, but based on the rest of the letter, I'm going to go ahead and say that the surname was a coincidence and he was addressing the dark hole where the lawyer's heart was supposed to be.

Ooh, possible. He goes on. How does, in God we trust, in parentheses, don't know why, weird grammar choice, kettle black. Kettle black, I know, but I'm not a superintendent. Right, right, right, yeah. Become an establishment of religion. Most people believe in a higher power. But it does not establish a superintendent. Right, right, yeah. Become an establishment of religion. Most people believe in a higher power, but it does not establish a religion.

There are many people who believe in God, but do not belong to any religion. Here is what I'll do for you! Exclamation point. Okay. Cool. Great. Very excited.

Here's what he's going to do. You ready? I will pray for you that you believe in our lord and savior jesus christ and become saved or be burdened so bad you will repent so for clarity what superintendent dick farts is gonna do for the nice lawyer mr blackwell is put a curse on him till he believes in Jesus. That's what it says. He concludes this and I swear this is real.

May God have mercy on your soul. God bless you, Superintendent Dick Farks. Jesus Christ. I'm pretty sure that's just a form letter they send to prisoners on death row right before they get the chair. Yeah. Just change the names a little. Right. No no they use basically the same wording on my report cards so now as i said blackwell as he's known to his cursors has not revealed the identity of the

superintendent nor did he reply to my email with the subject i would like to know who superintendent dick farts is so i'm unable to lick this person, put up a plaque that says Allahu Akbar or otherwise respond. But you can bet your bottom dollar that when superintendents in Arkansas start whining about legal fees,

I'm going to start smelling their dicks for farts. And they won't like it. They will not enjoy that. And in God's not fed news tonight, you know, one of the most interesting, difficult conversations we can have as a society is where our government should put the focus of its scientific funding climate change medical research space exploration in case the earth becomes a dead wasteland

populated by mutants with super aids all good. I love that you think we're going to forestall nuclear holocaust long enough to die as super aids, Eli. Way to think positive, bro. And speaking of which, I sure hope Martin Shkreli doesn't get price gouged

at the commissary when he buys condoms for his cellmates. Tragic. Well, either way, luckily for us, Coach Dave Daubenmayer took to the airwaves this week

to help that quest by process of elimination, by suggesting the stupidest use for government money imaginable and letting the rest of us work backwards from there. So you may ask, what is Dave's suggestion for government funding? Denim shirts, more of them. How do they get five whole ounces of milk into every Kraft single? Do chickens really care about the other side as much as we think? What the fuck is he a coach of? All good guesses.

All good guesses. But nope. Coach Dave wants us to ask scientists to find out if God is real. No, that'll be $1,000. Done. Low bid, Noah. Low bid. out if god is real no that'll be a thousand dollars done low bid noah low bid yes appearing on his past the salt live webcast yesterday while railing against all the scientific research that our government puts into evolution he said that's a sentence. How much we're all researching evolution. As a government. He said the following, quote,

We're just evolving the shit out of beaks constantly. We're pouring money into beaks. Take a photo of that bird. Said the following, quote, Why doesn't the government fund research into whether or not there is really a God? Wouldn't that be good? Let's dump a lot of money. What?

Rather than dumping all this money into research, proven there isn't a God, let's fund some scientists to do some research to see if there is a God. Oh, what? Yeah, we could all sit in a laboratory and see if he shows up for example okay i'm gonna hold out a treat and call god and you atheists hold out treat and call nothing and we'll see who shows up first and look i agree with coach because i know some scientists and they work way too hard for way too little money. So some nothing study is exactly what they're doing.

All right, here you go. And I wonder what that would be like. Okay, fellas. First day of God research project. Really excited. It's going to be amazing. You boys got enough pencils? Yep.

Mr. President, plenty of pencils. And your calculators? Yeah, we have calculators. And your $120 million research budget? Yep, we've got that too, sir. Alright, good. And hey, you, Tiny, you're my favorite. Thanks,

Mr. President. Appreciate it. Alright, so how the hell are we I mean, which god would we even be like You know what might clear our heads? What's that?

Hookers and Blow! This is going to be a really We have an excellent amount of budget for that. Good year. And speaking of Hookers and Blow Heath needs needs a break now so we're going to pause for a quick moment and hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in massage you know sometimes the good news stories are just as depressing as the bad news ones.

Because when you're standing at the bottom, one step up is still pretty fucking low. When I say, for example, that the Lebanese parliament recently repealed the provision of the law that made rape legal if you married your victim, the correct response technically is hooray. But you don't feel real good saying it. correct response technically is hooray, but you don't feel real good saying it. That celebratory urge is more than a little overshadowed by the realization that up until a few weeks ago, they hadn't done that. But despite the painfully slow pace and microscopic increments, there's an unmistakable movement going on throughout the Middle East that's inching women in the region ever closer towards equality, or at least the promise of equality, or at least the

promise that they're allowed to try for equality without getting their hands chopped off. Different countries are at different levels, really. And along the way, I should applaud the victories like an overbearing mom worried that her toddler isn't figuring out the Duplo blocks fast enough. I should say stuff like, hey, Lebanon, way to get rid of that marriage loophole and your rape laws. And hey, Jordan, great job amending that penal code that lessened punishments in the case of honor killings. But the nation that deserves the most laudits here is Tunisia. I know we're not used to good shit coming out of Tunisia, unless it's the pictures of the old abandoned Star Wars sets. But the birthplace of the Arab Spring seems to be leading the way towards some semblance of gender equality in the Middle East. And arab spring seems to be leading the way towards some semblance

of gender equality in the middle east and that's starting to piss a lot of people off and again these are tiny little shamefully overdue steps but they're no less important for it for example just this week the tunisian government lifted the ban on muslim women marrying non-muslim men of course it's long been legal for men to marry whoever the fuck they want, but women were reserved for the proper religion until now. This has Muslim clerics losing their shit, which is kind of what they do for a living, I guess. But to his credit, the nation's 90-year-old president,

Beji Qaid Esebsi, is sticking to his guns and insisting that the nation take concrete steps to fight discrimination. And when a 90-year-old guy is your country's leading voice on modernization, that's probably all the evidence you need to know he's right about your need to modernize. And it's worth noting that Tunisia has a lot of really good reasons to smarten the fuck up when it comes to gender equality. Most of the agricultural, medical, and textile workers in the country are women, as are the majority of the engineers and people with higher education. So it's basically straighten up your archaic sexist government now

or suffer the wrath of an army of feminist death box later. And on that mental image, I'll hand things back over to Noah Heath and Eli. But first, a word from this week's second sponsor, Stamps.com. Has this ever happened to you? Hi, yeah, I'd like to mail this. I'm going to need you to go to the back of the line, sir. Um, there are 457 people in that line. Please just let me hand you this envelope right now.

Sir, sir! Or how about this? Uh, Dave, how much shipping do i put on this package to bayonne four for what four then you need stamps.com hi i'm no illusions the host of the podcast you're listening to here to tell you about stamps.com stamps.com brings all the services of the u.s postal service right to your fingertips you can buy and print official u.s postage for any letter any package any class of mail using your own computer and printer and stamps.com makes it easy they'll send you a digital scale

which automatically calculates exact postage stamps.com will even help you decide the best class of mail based on your needs we use stamps.com for all our merch and Patreon fulfillment because Eli does that part of our show, which means it needs to be very, very simple. And Stamps.com makes shipping easy. So if there's a mistake, it's probably because Eli did it. Yeah, that's when there are mistakes. Yep. And right now, you too can enjoy the Stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long-term commitments. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing.

That's Stamps.com. Enter scathing. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. That actually reminds me. I sent all the merch to Boston for the the live show so we're all set um boston yeah boston texas great good i'm excited that's good thank you lucinda and the ad that came after her and in national social network news tonight facebook has promised to try super

hard to remove targeted advertising to anti-semites this comes after reporters from pro publica pointed out that their system allowed advertisers to direct their ad dollars to people who should shown an interest in jew hater how to burn jews hitler did nothing wrong and history oh wait and i love this one the most, and history of why Jews ruin the world. What? Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg committed to removing these categories just as soon as he got done ruining the world.

Okay, so Heath just doesn't get to use Facebook anymore. That's not fair. Right? I don't like that. Okay, but, no, no, hold on. It seems like there's a workaround. I mean, you just advertise to people looking for how to not burn Jews. I feel like it's going to be good targeting.

Yeah, right. There's a little bit of overlap there. It's almost the same. Like medium rare. Like there's a lot of people checking. So now to be fair to Facebook, it's not like there's some little Nazi somewhere at their HQ listing all the ad demographics they could think of. No, that was Google. Exactly.

He's gone now. No, they fired him. The categories here were a result of an automated system that simply noticed an awful lot of Facebook users had expressed an interest in Jew burning. When the ProPublica reporters tested the system and tried to target their ads specifically to Jew haters, the system informed them that the group was too small for targeted advertising, so it suggests they add a related term such as, and this is the actual suggestion it offered,

Second Amendment. Ha ha ha! Yes! Oh, I was sure it was going to be shouting down college speakers because I hear those two groups are exactly the same. There's marketing potential there are exactly the same. There's marketing potential there. Exactly the same.

We sell tiki torches and ironic tiki torches. Goldmine. Everybody wins. It's worth noting, by the way, that this is not the first time that ProPublica had to do Facebook's job for it when it comes to advertising oversight. Last year, the

publication showed it was possible for them to show their ads only to white people. What? The system that was in place at the time allowed advertisers to block their ad from being shown to African-Americans, Asian-Americans, Hispanics, etc., leading to major concerns over discrimination in housing and advertising, as well as the more general concerns as to why the fuck they would have ever built that into their system come to paradise farms no smush man you know nice and also no no not that much and finally tonight from the ape whistle file

in response to all the recent technological advances like the Internet and smartphones with high-res cameras, the Bigfoot population has really ramped up its level of security over the last couple decades. They're much more reclusive now. They are, yeah. And unfortunately for Bigfoot hunters, that means dwindling profits, obviously. But thanks to a recent invention, this trend may finally get reversed. For only $12, you can buy a bottle of Bigfoot juice, the world's number one Sasquatch-attracting body spray. No. That's a real product.

Making it the first body spray to attract literally anything but you you have to admire the tenacity of that advertising angle though right the the number one say eli's lyme disease coitus service has more academy awards than any other vehicle in its class it's been tested. Well, speaking of which, they do clinically test it. I'll get there. So basically the idea is if you've been walking around the woods

dressed as a lady Bigfoot, you know, washing your car with sponges, getting your t-shirt all wet, rubbing your boobies on the windshield, still not attracting any suitors. I have, I have. Well, Eli, your struggles are finally over. I would like to know more. Well, at least

until you get attacked by a sex-crazed Bigfoot. Then the struggles resume. Okay. Question. Do you think if Bigfoot hunters ever get big enough, there'll be like a subsection of Bigfoot hunting YouTube that argue if you get raped by Bigfoot wearing this stuff, it's your fault? Yeah.

Yeah, I think so. So, the Bigfoot juice was invented by Allie Megan Webb of North Carolina, the owner of Happy Body Care, which sells vaguely defined health nonsense off a Facebook page, not even her own website. It's basically a redneck version of Gwyneth Paltrow's goop, but instead of ruining your vagina with jade eggs, hot steam and laser beams, this site ruins your vagina by trying to get a giant mythical ape to sexually assault you in the woods using perfume. As a business model.

That's their model. Yeah, it's like the pheromonic version of a life lock. I love it. Now, you're probably thinking to yourself that all sounds great but have they run any field tests i was thinking yes exactly what i was wondering the answer is yes of course they have oh god just last month a research team had an outing and they made a bigfoot sighting first try and it was all thanks to the new spray. According to Ms. Webb, you need a smell that's woodsy enough to keep from scaring him off, but slightly different enough to make him curious.

What? She hit that Goldilocks on how to get raped by Ms. Webb. Allie, Megan Webb, I know you're listening. I know you're a big fan of this show. I will spend whatever money you need to make a whispery perfume ad with that as the first. Bigfoot doing his tie and then just Allie walks into frame. You need a smell that's one step away

to keep from scaring him off. Slightly different enough to make him curious. Cryptid. By Allie Megan West. I would definitely buy that. Just a quick side note, by the way, about that outing. A few days after the Bigfoot sighting from the clinical testing was in the newspaper, a guy wrote in and was like, hey, sorry, that was definitely me. Dressed in the crazy full body fursuit that i own i was reenacting

the epic of gilgamesh by myself in the woods i have a blog about sasquatch so i know what i'm talking about by the way what was that intoxicating aroma crazy fursuit guy that's the real thing yeah dude to be clear everything heath just said is true except the wording on the valediction. But that guy. I'm sorry. I have questions. Right. So if you thought that was all just an elaborate joke that you weren't getting a lot of, no.

This blogger apparently worships Bigfoot by role-playing Gilgamesh in a Sasquatch costume in the woods. Now, to be fair, it's not as crazy as it might sound, because he's probably playing the part of Enkaidu, the hairy man, not Gilgamesh itself, which explains the suit. I don't know any of those words. I understand

nothing. I'm afraid and alone, and he gets to vote. That guy gets to vote. And he's in North Carolina which means his vote probably counts more than mine. He's actually from Minnesota. But yes, in either case, they count more than yours. That's true.

Just a quick test. Hey, you ever dress up as Boogfoot? No? Get in there, you rep scallion. Let's start there. That's all I'm asking. Okay, well, I think we're all rooting for the Bigfoot hunters of North Carolina and hoping they all get to

fuck a Sasquatch. Gather ye rosebuds while you may. And speaking of which, let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Cryptozoology porn titles obviously go. Finally, I've been waiting for 240 episodes Locked and loaded only works

If you see it written out How about Girls Ogopogo Wild Big Boob DeCobras Seven They're horny They eat goats What about

Tap Thatasquatch lifting tails from the cryptid yeah there you go the lick nest monster perhaps the abominable snowball friends who hair share what about megalodon versus ass cracking

I would watch that. Two mermaids, one kappa. I was trying to figure out what would be the opposite of a cup. Mermaids wouldn't use a cup because they're underwater so what would they use to mutually consume shit vomit? And I couldn't think of anything so I just went with a legendary river spray instead

from Japan. Sorry. Bubble of shit vomit. Two mermaids, one bubble of shit vomit? It rolls off the tongue. I also spend a lot of time thinking about mine. Bigfoot jobs.

Four. Caught on video. Pounding through the bush. There we go. Alright, I got one more. How about Falco or the cock dragon? I love to sasquatch. Sasquatch.

Sasquatch. And now that we have a bunch of new search terms for Pornhub, I guess we're going to need a few minutes, so we'll close the headlines there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Two girls, one chup. Bacabra. And when we come back,

we'll get tantalizingly close to done with a book of fucking alma as we worked our way through the quran last year we could be heard to wail my kingdom for a story see the quran is primarily just muham Muhammad telling you what he thinks about that there. You know what really grinds my gears? The Jews. That's the Quran. Exactly. Yeah, pretty much.

So we felt that some semblance of a narrative might alleviate the boredom to some degree. And we've spent this year learning that it doesn't fucking matter. Because as we drag ourselves through the relentless narrative of the book of mormon i find myself just as frequently saying my kingdom for what muhammad thought about that there what's the deal with mirrors am i allowed to go near them am i not what's the rule technically i made the image do i kill me so joining us to dig through yet more book of alma is my lovely wife lucinda lucinda welcome back you know if you didn't introduce me we'd be done thinking about this stupid book sooner good point and moving on so when we last checked in with alma he was telling his kids a bunch of pointless shit and now that they've all had a good talking to i guess we can move back to the action right so so as you'll recall the zoramites became nephites and that

pissed off the lamanites who grabbed the amalekites the metabolites and the dynamites and went to war with the trilobites i guarantee more thought went into that joke than any name in this book. For example, the land of Antionum, where the next battle will play out. Or, for instance, the new leader of the Lamanites, Zarahem-nah. Let me be clear, not Zarahem-lah, Zarahem-nah. Completely different name. And his brother Zarahem-noo- name. And his brother's Zarahemnupul. Sans Banunus. Raffi.

The setup for this battle reads like the movie preview guy is just getting way too specific. It's like, in a time where the Lamanites gathered their armies against their brothers. Remember, the ones that weren't allowed to use weapons. No one could defend them except for the Nephites, which technically they were Nephites, but other Nephites could defend them in a time, in a land. Yeah. I know I say this a lot,

but as a man who has been to multiple comic conventions at this point in his life, the level of detail on the not real history here is exhausting to me. Alright, well and this is where Moroni works his way into the story. It turns out he's the one leading the Nephite

army now. Did Joe just forget the angel was named Moroni earlier in the book? Don't get me wrong. So did I, but I didn't write the book. It's like a main character. But also Moroni was 25 at the time they put him in charge of the army. So that seems like a pretty stupid idea if you ask me.

Yeah, everyone does stupid stuff when they're 25. They get a nose ring, date Heath, lead an army of neophytes. In two years. Gross. Old. Then after 30 verses of setup or so, there's no battle and the Lamanites run away. Well, yeah, because the Nephites

just kept hitting them in the dick. That's what's happening. Actual quote from the book. And the work of death commenced on both sides, but it was more dreadful on the part of the Lamanites for their nakedness was exposed to the heavy blows of the Nephites with their swords and their simiters, which brought death almost at every stroke.

I mean, you hit someone in the dick with a big curvy sword, they run away. But, I mean, blow and stroke, there's a lot of weird, I feel like they're describing rusty trombones in there, too. It's just a mixed message. Yeah, but they wouldn't have run away. Right, that's what I'm saying. Like, you would go, you wouldn't know. I'd just stop and freeze. You'd stop going to war though, at least. So Moroni sets up a trap for the Lamanites

and Joseph Smith wants to make it super clear that that does not mean he was a pussy. Even though he had a bigger army and his opponents didn't have armor. Yeah, the trap is we aim for their unarmored dick. Really good trap.

Right, so all the naked Lamanites put up a good fight, but damn it, the Nephites were fighting for America, so they win. Sure. So we start off the next chapter with the Lamanites surrounded, and we make it very clear that Moroni didn't want to kill every last one of them, but they really left no choice. Right.

Yeah. Didn't have a choice. It hurts me more than it hurts you. Right. Except for the dick sting. That probably hurts you more than doing a lot of dick checks. And Alma has this amazing

sentence here that just clearly gets away from Joseph Smith. He goes, I will command my men that they shall fall upon you and inflict the wounds of death in your bodies that ye may become extinct.

What? We'll kill you. Just say what is real. Just saying that thing right away. Weird. Oh, man. And Sarah Hamna, to his credit, is like, well, if God was protecting you,

why did you have to wear all that armor? No deal. Right. Yeah, exactly. So one of Moroni's soldiers scalps him and they start warring again. And apparently having his scalp lopped off didn't slow Zarahumna down a lick either.

No. He still leads his remaining soldiers into battle. Scalpless. Scalpless. It's like a scene from a slapstick comedy. He gets his scalp cut off. He awkwardly picks it up. He fumbles with it. He just puts it back, shuffles to the bag. Alright, time in. Time in. Go again.

Right, so they fight and the Nephites win because, and again, Joe cannot stop stressing this, the Lamanites were naked and the Nephites wouldn't stop hitting dicks. Right, and now it's time to revisit Alma annoying his kids in his old age like fully half of this chapter is alma asking hellman if he really believes him though yeah

right right like me showing my wife a card trick for the 10 million time because it was in my palm there i noticed all right go away yeah so once hellman has crossed his heart and hope to die alma tells him yet another prophecy about how fucked everybody is. Yeah. It's like, oh, sure, everything's fine now, but eventually everyone's going to be all lame and die. You'll see. And Joey has such weird asides here, too. At one point he says, and behold, all the Nephites will be killed except a few of them, who will eventually

also be killed. So yeah, all of them. What? Idiot. Except for Dave. Yay! Until he is also killed. That's a weird way to present that information. And then Alma just pulls a Batman.

He's suddenly gone. Nobody ever hears from him again. And somehow there are still 18 chapters in this fucking book. Yeah, it says, and it came to pass that he was never heard of more. But his hook was stuck in the roof of where the young Mormon couple were. And damn if the Nephites didn't get all proud and stiff-necked again so of course a would-be usurper shows up and his name is not amalekai i already used this one we already used that one he's got a totally different name it is um amalekai uh

just the guy next to the hat sorry joe what was this was this guy's name? Oh, it's Amalekai. Got it. Amalekai. Got it. Yep. Yep. I was done adding noises. So stupid.

Yeah, so Amalekai goes around corrupting the hearts of men. And since everybody in this book is perpetually one genital compliment away from switching religions, the Nephites turned away from the church once more. Hey, don't knock a genital compliment. In fact, if you'd like a genital compliment,

why not support the work we do for as little as a dollar an episode at patreon.com forward slash scathing. A subtle, subtle, smooth again. Hey, Mormon, I'm Aronofsky.

So eventually Moroni hears all about this corruption and stiff neckiness and he is pissed. Right. He's so mad. And stop me if I have this wrong. He rips off a piece of his coat and then turns into what Joe Smith was super hoping was going to be the flag of like Mormonvania. Absolutely. He's just like, oh, yeah, I guess that could be our flag.

Wow. Great idea. Crazy. So I have these four mock ups of what it looked like. And then God takes a second to retroactively promise America to the whites He also invents the word Christian here He's like, yeah, and we Christ believers will be called the Christaholics

Give me a second In case you were wondering, by the way, it takes 28 verses before we dub the followers of Amalekia the Amalekiaites. I hate this book so much. All right. So Amalekia gathers an army. They lose to Moroni.

He escapes with a couple of guys, and Moroni has all of his soldiers who won't say they're sorry put to death. Just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Like you mean it. I'm a Christian now. Go. Thank you. So Malachi goes to the Lamanites and he's like, want to go to

war with the Nephites? And of course they're like, we're the fucking Lamanites, bro. Of course we do. So they do. That's the thing. But not all the Lamanites wanted to go to war though right the king says hey war with nephites at seven and some people are like fuck off king so malachi decides to go be those people's leader because disobedient people make the best armies i guess right and there's this long like fairy tale-esque version of him trying to get the king and the lamanites to talk

to him but it doesn't matter to anyone no yeah no there's three different he says three people up they're different and then eventually they're like yeah no and then we just went up and talked to him lovely goldilocks and the three unbearable paragraphs right so he kills Lamanite King mini boss with poison and then marches back to ice level mini boss Lamanite King with the new army. That's exactly it. Yeah. Right. Right. So they kill the king and blame it on the maid.

And again, this story is fucking insane. They have a secret like hand raised gesture, I guess. Lamanite King goes to do it. And Amalekia is just like and stab you in the heart hand raising followed by murder huh now that is prophetic Joe but you know

what's the point in being the king of the Lamanites if you don't get to kill Nephite so he sets to provoking another war with them which he already done earlier they were already marching to war. But whatever. Joey can't be expected to remember everything he says in the hat. And he does this by hiring guys to get on towers and talk shit,

which I am totally stealing. Hear ye, hear ye. Thomas Smith has no feet. And then we get what can only be described as a literary montage where the Nephites are preparing for war. Yeah, we need a montage. Joe Smith has

no idea how war preparation works. So it's like he built wooden huts surrounded by circles of rocks and sharp rocks also and where there weren't guys, he put

guys. Well done! There's also an extended visit to Moroni's OKCupid profile here. Really? I mean, it sounds more like Tinder to me. He was a man who loved god and wanted his people to be free oh my god i just realized maroni is the first ever fake

male feminist guys also it's worth asking from time to time who's writing this now right hellerman and maroni are in the third person. Alma's already gone and disappeared. As much time as this book spends on that kind of shit, it still forgets half the time that someone has to be writing it. Well, whoever's talking brings us amazing sentences. For example, this is another real quote. And this was their faith, that by so doing, God would prosper them in the land. Or in other words, if they were faithful in keeping the commandments of God, that he would prosper them in the land. Exact words. Are you sure those are other words?

So the Lamanites march on Ammoniah, where they are flabbergasted by the profound technological innovation of earthen ramparts that they find there. So they decide to attack Noah instead. The town, the town, by the way, not the husband. I mean, I haven't seen the ancient Nephite Noah's Twitter,

but based on an Irish airport security agent, he was definitely the one to cross. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, but damn that clever Moroni. Noah was all fortified. But they attacked it anyway. Right. Just standing outside. No, no. We came all the way here.

We're attacking. Now, go take your picture with Noah the narwhal. Noah the narwhal? Yeah, man. Mascot. Mascot. Noah the narwhal. And they lose badly. A thousand to zero. That is literally the death toll that he offers here.

Exactly. A thousand to zero. And I wonder if they just kept killing people like when you're waiting for the odometer to go around. They're like, no, wait, kill two more. Kill two more. This will be amazing. And then we get this little like,

damn you, Moroni moment, like where Amalekiah swears to drink Moroni's blood. So, you know, main boss bad guy. We know who that is now. Don't expect that to pay off. Nope. So Moroni sets about fortifying his town some more, running out of immigrants,

building giant walls, just generally making Nephi great again. Yep. Cannot emphasize strongly enough how little Joe Smith knows about, well, pretty much anything he ever writes about, but especially does not know about fortification.

No. Right. It's like a racist version of the snow fort from Foxtrot. It's just like, dragons and... And then there's peace for a few years, but then there's some kind of dust-up in the city of Morianton? Yeah. Yeah, apparently the leader

of Morianton took over part of the city of Lehigh. So, Morianton is about to get in trouble, so he flees to the north, but Baroni sends an army to cut him off here, which is led by a guy named, I shit you not, Tien Kum. Tien Kum. Okay, I thought that was pronounced Teen Kum, so I have no jokes.

Is that what all these pages are? I said skip me! Is that what all these pages are? I said, get me! And then T and Cum kills Moranton, and that whole little aside is over. Even though we were there. And they all say, oh, what a lovely tea party.

T and Cum party. Also, at the very end of chapter 50, the chief judge dies and they have to appoint a new one. That's going to be important going forward. That character's name is Pahoran. Hate this fucking book so much. Right.

So if you were thinking, man, this could really use some vague municipal governance minutia, you're in luck because that's what we get in Chapter 51 here. and luck because that's what we get in chapter 51 here. I feel like you could switch this story out for any non-American country and half the people would be like yup, sounds bad over in Ronai. Yeah, some people didn't want Pehorin to become chief

judge or to keep being chief judge, I guess. So there was a bloodless conflict about it and the people divided into two groups, the free men or good guys and the king's men or bad guys okay ugly bias against those with monarchist beliefs but whatever it's not mine well and just in the middle of this nothing uh malachi uh starts stirring up his people to war again yeah right but but this time the king's men were too bitter to defend their country from they themselves getting killed.

Just like, whatever. I hope they do kill us. Done. Right. And since the army couldn't take the loss of so many soldiers unwilling to fight, Moroni has them all killed. Of course. And while Moroni, the hero here, is busy killing all of the dissenters, Amalekiah shows up and drives the Nephites out of Moroni, the city, not the guy. I don't fucking care.

I mean, we don't know it wasn't the guy. I heard his Grindr profile earlier. It could have been. So Amalekiah goes on the warpath. He takes Morianton, Omner, Lehi, Kidd, Mulek, other cities. Snork. Smurf. Burble.

How many pages now? How many pages now? Jesus fucking Christ. But then along comes Tien Kum, the badass to put an end to all of that bullshit yeah so they fight a few battles and then t and come heroically sneaks into a malachi tent one night and stabs him in the heart with a javelin a javelin like do they not have a knife i feel like it's a weird choice for sleep murdering. Could have used a pillow. It's an odd way to kill your very clear end villain, right?

It's like if Harry Potter just poisoned Voldemort's food. So the Lamanites wake up to find their king dead, so they fled back to Mulek. And in the meantime, the Lamanites make Amalickiah's brother a moron, the new king. A moron. In the book. Wrote the book. Yep. Right.

Yep. And then we get a dozen chapters of strategy that breeds like a play-by-play of the chess match from an observer that doesn't know how the game works. Ridiculous. Okay. So that guy just cheated, moved his horse to the side, which allowed after the russian offense no no no uh it's called a night also really then why isn't it a guy so maroney and t income join forces to take back mulek and maroney comes up with a clever plan which is apparently little army they can see, big one they can't. Keep that in mind.

They might use it again and that works. That works very well for them. So the Nephites win a great victory and took a shit ton of Lamanite prisoners with them. And when you say prisoners you mean slaves because they put to work in the next chapter. Job creators. You're welcome.

And then the chapter gets bored with itself and says fuck this I'm talking about the people of Ammon I mean to be fair I did the exact same thing but with hearthstone and masturbation and by the way when he says the people of Ammon he's not talking about the people who live in Ammon he's talking about

the anti-Nephi-Lehi which means he either forgot what he named those people Ammon, he's not talking about the people who live in Ammon. He's talking about the anti-Nephi Lehi. Which means he either forgot what he'd named those people or got sick of everybody snickering whenever he would say it during dictation. It's like when you were a kid, you'd start copying your friend, but then you'd both get bored, but nobody wanted to stop.

It's the holy book. Exactly. Now, as you recall, they weren't allowed to touch weapons, these anti-Nephi-Lehi's. But now they have kids who are allowed to touch weapons. So they form an elite squad, a Mormon badass array, 2,000 strong. Right. With Helaman as their leader. And the entire army does this weird daddy-son roleplay thing.

They all call him father he all calls them son it's more than a little creepy I just wanted to yeah luck is a little creepy fortunately for us we won't have to go through that tonight because that's as far as we're going in this session but I promise you next week we will finally reach the fucking finish

line of the book of Alma say that he's going to write three more chapters while we wait. Right. Before we close the barn door for the night, I want to remind you that this is your last chance to get tickets to see us in Austin, Texas

this very weekend. Friday the 22nd at 8 p.m. Tickets are still available. You can find them on the show notes. You can also come see us in Salt Lake City next weekend. That show's on Sunday, October 1st at 8 p.m. And if the thing holding you back from seeing us live is all this North America centrism shit, you can come see us in Sydney, Australia in November at Skepticon.

Anyway, that's all the Blast Me we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, on Tuesday at 7 a.m. Eastern, and a new episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, at noon Eastern the day after that. Also, check out Eli's blog. His hair falls out when he gets upset. Obviously, I'm not allowed to hit the stop button until I thank Heath Enright for squeezing 15 days of work into seven days of working to make these back-to-back live shows happen.

I want to thank Eli Bosnick for squeezing two sets of round-trip flights out of a small enough budget to make it financially possible. And I want to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for something that involves squeezing things into other things as well. I also want to thank Rory and Mick for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, which apparently they sent to me over a year ago, and I just now saw it because my inbox is clearly worse than Rory's room. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, Mark Patrick, Andrew, Jonathan, Cool Unicorn, Carrie, Shane, Lauren, Tom in Colorado, Colin, Jeff, and Juan. Mark, Patrick, Andrew, and Jonathan, whose erections take longer to descend than Cassini, Cool Unicorn, Carrie, Shane, and Lauren, who are so sexy Sasquatches buy perfumes to attract them,

and Tom in Colorado, Colin, Jeff, and Juan, who as of this month can finally stop worrying about bumping the Voyager spacecraft with their erections. Together, these 12 remarkably reasonable rebels for rationality reinforce our rambunctious ravings regarding religion this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the ferocious sexuality it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on on the right side of the homepage at ScalingAdias.com. Legal services for this podcast

are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAdias.com.

Suckin' a dick. It's clearly suckin' a dick. It's clearly suckin' a dick that time. There's no question of what we were thinking. Suckin' a dick. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle & Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.