The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 241: Moore is Less Edition

Episode Date: September 28, 2017

In this week’s episode, we finish Alma by holding block and pressing up, Roger Goodell and the King of Saudi Arabia look down on Donald Trump's moral low ground, and Alabama will prove once and for all that Moore is less. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To hear the Worldwide Atheist podcast, click here: https://jedeschner.podbean.com/ Headlines: GOP senators propose bill allowing churches to get FEMA relief money: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/22/gop-senators-propose-bill-allowing-churches-to-get-fema-relief-money/ TX parents lock child out of house for being possessed by a demon: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/22/texas-parents-locked-their-kid-out-of-the-house-because-he-was-possessed/ Survey: 1 in 5 americans pretty sure atheists don’t have all the rights: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/16/many-americans-say-atheists-dont-have-the-same-rights-as-other-citizens/ Jim Bakker pretty sure he could be shot for wearing a Christian hat: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/15/televangelist-jim-bakker-i-could-be-shot-for-wearing-a-hat-with-a-cross-on-it/ Catholic hospitals making it harder to get vasectomies: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/13/catholic-hospitals-are-making-it-harder-for-men-to-obtain-vasectomies/Saudi Textbook accidentally inserts Yoda into pic of King Faisal: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/21/world/middleeast/saudi-yoda-king-textbooks.html?mcubz=0 This Week in Misogyny: Saudi allows women to drive: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/sep/27/huge-step-jubilation-saudi-arabian-women-allowed-to-drive Saudi Cleric claims women have only one quarter of a man’s brain: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/23/saudi-cleric-women-cant-drive-since-they-only-have-a-quarter-of-a-mans-brain/

Warning, following podcast contains adult language. If by adult, you mean juvenile, which for some reason is what that means. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by PolicyGenius.com and by one final week of our Sam Clovis in seven words or less contest. Today, we have three winners to close it out. First up, we have repeat champion Brad, who got a partial mention last week by chance, but without a credit, he had heart disease in a mirror three times. Also, Morton, who had Mr. Creosote goes to Washington.

And last but not least, James, who had Colonel Sanders fucked a weeble. Work all around. And now it's time for a new target. We're going to go with Alabama's favorite theocratic bigot and GOP Senate primary winner, Roy Moore. Please tweet us your best seven words or less using the hashtag Roy Moore scathe, and you could be the next winner. And now, Scathing Atheist. Hey everybody, this is Jeremy from the Worldwide Atheist Podcast, Hey everybody, this is Jeremy from the Worldwide Atheist Podcast. And I am here to tell you that, in fact, we did evolve from dirty, filthy, monkey men with huge cuffs. It's Thursday.

It's September 28th. And I'm alive, but I'm not happy about it. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. And also Austin, Texas. This is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, we finish Alma by holding block and pressing up. Roger Goodell and the King of Saudi Arabia look down on Donald Trump's moral low ground. And Alabama will prove once and for all that more is less. But first, the diatribe. As much as this admission threatens my professional reputation, I have to say it anyway.

I am a terrible misanthrope. You know, it's easy for me to ignore that fact most of the time. I work from home. I don't socialize much. And something like 90% of my in-person interactions are with lucinda heath eli andrew or morgan and when i'm not interacting with them i'm usually talking to people online where people are so much easier to hate now i i don't want to come across as demonizing the online atheist community here it's a vital part of the movement and it's fair to say that the modern rise of atheism would be impossible without it i mean i'm jealous as hell of the young atheists

that don't have to deal with the isolation that I did growing up. Even in the monolithically Christian little towns like the one I grew up in, it's now possible to reach through the internet and get in touch with like-minded heathens and be constantly reminded that you're not the only sane person on earth. And that's great. Hell, it's what I've devoted my life to. So obviously I recognize the importance of it, but I also have to recognize its weaknesses. And over the last couple of weeks, that's been damn easy to do. See, over that period, I've received a number of emails and messages from people who are about ready to throw in the towel on the whole atheist movement thing just because of the vitriol that so often covers our online conversations. There's no end to the infighting, name-calling, and God-winning over the controversy du jour. And I can hardly blame the disillusioned atheists that are starting to wonder why the fuck they even

bother. It's gotten to the point where, well, let's hear them out is all it takes to get labeled a bigot or a Nazi, and even politely disagreeing is too damn accommodationist for some people. But there is a place you can go where all that shit fades to the background and the animosity just melts away. It's called reality and while i wouldn't recommend spending too much time there it's a nice place to visit from time to time this contrast was really striking for me this past weekend right heath eli andrew and i were in austin for a live god-awful movies record that we did in conjunction with the austin community of atheists annual bat cruise so after a couple of weeks of suffering through arguments that were

needlessly combative and dismissive about whatever the fuck everybody decided to get pissed off about most recently, it was impossible not to notice the profound difference between online and in-person interactions in the atheist community. See, I'm sure a lot of people on the Bat Cruise disagreed with me about all kinds of shit, important shit, no doubt. But as it happens, when we were all standing beside one another, looking each other in the eyes, it was a lot harder to reduce people to nothing but the disagreement we were having in the moment. It was a lot easier to sympathize and be respectful, and it was impossible to block anyone and retreat into my ever-narrowing echo chamber. See, as important as our online communities are, they cannot substitute for our meatspace communities. Actual people in a room together can do a lot of shit that Facebook groups and Twitter threads can't do. Not only can they adopt highways,

volunteer at homeless shelters, protest at congressional offices, and man ask an atheist booths, but they can also offer each other rides, buy each other drinks. They can look one another in the eye and recognize the fact that even if we disagree on important political topics, we're still human beings deserving of one another's respect. I mean, I'm sure some people

can do that last one online, but a lot of people can't, myself included. See, on Facebook, I've got thousands of friends. I can afford to lose a few, especially if one of them's really pissing me off at this very moment. But in the real world, I got a couple dozen friends at most, and it takes a hell of a lot more than a disagreement about a conference schedule to ignite the bridge. And when I see people so cavalier about checking out of a movement they originally joined out of a passion for a reason because they disagree with people about peripheral issues, I can't help but wonder if these people would feel the same way if they could actually spend a few minutes in a room with the people they're disagreeing with. Now,

look, I'm not saying we should embrace everybody who wears the atheist labels. Obviously, there are some viewpoints that we shouldn't countenance. But we should be and need to be as generous as possible when we're assessing those viewpoints. If somebody's a racist, I don't want them in my clubhouse. Not only is it counterproductive to the movement, but it's also contrary to good morality. I wouldn't ask anybody to set aside their moral convictions for the sake of an unethical marriage of convenience. I hate Islam, but I'm not going to march with the KKK just because we're both bitching about Muslims today.

But as the community gets bigger, it's also going to get more contentious by necessity. As we draw more people in from more diverse backgrounds, it's inevitable and even desirable that we'll disagree about more and more things. And if we're doing this right, that should be a strength rather than a weakness. We should welcome in the people we disagree with, if for no other reason that these people are going to be

way better at communicating our message to the other people that share their views on whatever issue we passionately disagree with them about. We owe it to ourselves and to our movement

to make every effort to understand our would-be allies before we reject them. We need each other to be successful as a movement, but we also need each other just to be well-rounded human beings. Keep in mind that a lot of people

lose their friends, their family, and their entire support structure when they leave their religion. And if we reject them because they're clinging to a few of the dumbass things their religious upbringing taught them, we're condemning them to isolation and we're gift wrapping them

in case their religious community might want them back. Look, if you've never been to an atheist meetup, you owe it to yourself to correct that. But more importantly, you owe it to the rest of us. I've said many times that this movement can never be stronger than its people. We're the bricks and our relationships are the mortar. And if we want to keep religion out of our government, a strong wall is going to be a hell of a lot more effective than a pissed off pile of bricks. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are two men ready to bring the salt back to Salt Lake City, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to pwn some Mormons or what? Okay, I haven't heard you use LeetSpeak before. Are you going to tell us not to use drugs? Are you going to tell us not to use drugs? Are you going to tell us not to do drugs? By giving us a workbook that shows us how to do all the drugs? It sounds like D.A.R.E.

Do you think Utah D.A.R.E. books have like thugs brewing coffee in them? Oh, good question. Good question. And while we ponder that, we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Policy Genius. Hey, Eli, what you doing? Oh, just packing up all this goodwill and friendship. Oh, wow. There's quite a bit of it.

Oh, thanks, guys. Are those boxes heavy? Oh, yeah, they sure are. Oh, I got all these memories and laughter in here. So they weigh a ton. But, you know, I want to leave something to my family. And that's really important to me. I got it. I know.

Man, it sure is good that you can leave intangible things like affection and nice Facebook comments to your family when you die, right? Oh, tell me about it. If you couldn't, I'd have to go to PolicyGenius.com. Wait, what's PolicyGenius.com? PolicyGenius.com is the place to go to learn about life insurance. You can compare quotes from America's top providers and save up to 40% on your policy. It sounds crazy, but that's never existed before. Well, I can't imagine why it would have to.

After all, your family can always eat those fond memories of you. Delish. Yeah, I don't get it either. I mean, Policy Genius has placed over $5 billion in life insurance. Their simple, user-friendly website helps you work out exactly which policy is right for you and finds you the best price. And it takes just five minutes to apply for a quote. If you have questions, they have a team of licensed experts waiting to talk you through it. No call waiting, no pressing three, followed by a pound sign you get actual customer service but not that i

need any of that because i'm going to leave anna all these podcast downloads awesome man what do you think she's going to spend them on anything she wants right and they don't just do life insurance over at policygenius.com. You can get health insurance, you can insure your pet, you can protect your income, and if you don't need any of that, they'll actually tell you. Wow, never thought about that. What will I do if I get sick? Well, Heath, as long as doctors still accept nice tweets as payment, I'm sure you're going to be just fine. Oh yeah, right, cool. But you know, guys, not everyone is as lucky as we are. Oh, yeah. Right.

Cool. But you know, guys, not everyone is as lucky as we are. Some people want to leave their families some kind of money. Money? Yeah, yeah. I don't get it either. But if they've been putting off life insurance or want to make sure the insurance they have is right for them, they could check out PolicyGenius.com today. They could save up to 40% by comparing policies. The quotes are free,

no sales pressure, and zero hassle. Now, let's go get some drinks. Hey, it's on me. Got a pocket full of smiles. Whoa, big spender. Policygenius.com. It's life insurance for the 21st century. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Republican senators introduced a bill last week that would finally put the establishment clause out of its misery. The bill, sponsored by accursed blobfish Ted Cruz and three of his Senate colleagues, would allow FEMA relief money to go directly to houses of worship for the purposes of rebuilding their churches. Ted Cruz defended the so-called Federal Disaster Assistant Nonprofit Fairness Act by pointing out that religious institutions,

quote, provide vital services for our friends and neighbors and are often the first to open their doors during a devastating crisis offering aid to those in need, end quote. So he's pretty sure we've already forgotten about Joel Osteen, I guess. And we did not forget also didn't forget that christianity failed to prevent all the butt sex that caused these hurricanes in

the first place so it's a dumb investment i mean there's got to be better ways to to like to fund gay storm prevention is what i'm saying it's inefficient and ted cruz knows that he's not being intellectually honest that's no he's not yeah I mean, if you want to prevent a gay storm, you put everyone in socks and sandals. Boom. Exactly. Now, this bill, which would be unthinkably unconstitutional this time last year, claims that the two hundred and forty one year old restrictions against the government just handing money to churches are discriminatory and wrong since FEMA already gives money to secular nonprofits because, you know, nonprofit charity organizations and churches are the same thing, except when it comes to reporting their money, proving that they're doing anything charitable and serving a beneficial function. And it's worth emphasizing that this blatant effort to redirect government dollars to religious conferences being couched under the guise of non-discrimination.

And I say that because the only thing it's going to take to portray the bullshit nature of that claim is a mosque asking for their cut exactly oh no we're giving money to any church any church just show us a photo id of the guy who wrote your holy book and we'll send it fair okay now how do we know y'all didn't blow this place up yourselves because i know y'all love to explode things and i just want to be prove you weren't practicing now the secular coalition for america among others has strongly condemned the bill in a statement from executive director larry t decker he points out that not forcing taxpayers to literally pay to build churches is the most

obvious intention of the establishment clause and cannot possibly be squared with a secular government. The statement reads in part, quote, the legislation, however well-intentioned, will rebuild houses of worship by knocking down the wall of separation between church and state, end quote, which is inaccurate only in the sense that there's no hint of good intention in this bullshit end run around the First Amendment. Let's not split hairs here. This is not a well-meaning but misguided effort. FEMA money is finite, and every dollar we piss away rebuilding Jesus' house is a dollar we didn't spend rebuilding infrastructure and homes.

In other words, we're taking money away from needy people to give it to churches in hopes that those churches will give some of that money to the needy people that they're taking it from. it to churches in hopes that those churches will give some of that money to the needy people that they're taking it from in the year 2018 all government is just handing money in at church and pulling a giant lever to see how much of it we get back right apparently and in parents just don't understand news tonight ronald and rendy, yes, I pronounced that correctly. Her name is Rendy with an R. Rendy Wright are out on bond after being arrested last month for kicking their seven-year-old out of the house

for being possessed by demons. Yeah. According to their arrest affidavit, they told their child to leave their home and never return, which is an oddly folksy way to kill your child yeah right at least the canadian hippies they give you some maple syrup along the way it's like much more delicious way to die as long as we're ranking ways to murder

your child like i'd be like absolutely right after augustus gloop you taste the stuff the left of the valley people gave us heaven I did try it and I don't have meningitis now I feel like that Canadian couple got fucked y'all yeah exactly now our listeners are probably wondering why they would do this

and the answer of course is they're meth heads they're on meth both articles I read threw that little detail in at the end like it wasn't related. So let's be clear. The reason that Randy and fucking Randy do anything forever is because they're meth heads. But it was the advice of their preacher when they were in between meths, according to them, that cemented their decision. Yeah.

Well, they also left out the fact that Randy was a Sagittarius, which seems like a blatant oversight as well. Ronald gets done giving a toothless blow job pastor john no way i'll get this i got a serious problem my kid costs money and is full of demons any way to fix those two things kind of all at once exactly now a texas deputy who also said that the couple, in discussion with a preacher, were told that the boy is possessed by demons because of his bad behavior, and that was what really cemented their decision to tell a seven-year-old to make it on his own in the world. Which, according to

Eli, is basically the same as allowing him to walk to the bus stop on his own. Pretty much. Am I fine? I'm fine. Lots of kids not fine. I don't really know if you're fine that was a bad example that's cool so the good news is the child is now safe with a relative who hopefully knows he isn't full of ghosts and doesn't smoke the side of matchboxes in their spare time but either way the crux of this story is, if you name your kid Rendy, it's going to be a meth addict

and kill its baby. I think that's really what we pretty solid guarantee. Is there meth in the side of matchboxes? No, there is not. We do not recommend that. We don't even need Andrew to call us later. We do not recommend smoking the side of matchboxes. I'm going to describe the recipe

for meth, and then people have information. Moving on. And in a state of the union news tonight, according to a new survey, Americans are stupid and ignorant as a group. So, okay. I didn't realize us listening to Noah

yell about the Alabama primary in the shower was a survey, but that's fancy. That's fancy. That's fancy. That's pretty cool. Okay, well, we are stupid as a group. But in fairness, the same can be said of pretty much all the large groups of human beings ever assembled. But the numbers we have today are about Americans. So that's what we're going to focus on.

Specifically, the fact that stupid and ignorant seems to go hand in hand with the belief that atheists are evil cyborgs who don't get to have all the human rights. And apparently, I'm describing about 125 million Americans when I name that belief. Wow. Someday we're going to report that like nine out of ten Americans think toes aren't real. And I'm going to have to pretend to be surprised and write jokes about it. Make the bit work. Well, to be fair, I feel like we're more chaotic, neutral cyborgs, but ultimately that's mostly a matter of opinion. I can't say that they're wrong. The survey was conducted last month by the University of Pennsylvania's Annenberg

Public Policy Center. And one of the main questions was, do atheists have the same rights as other american citizens which feels like it's gonna have a yes or no answer and nothing else but um apparently not um because uh the way the survey presented it people were given the statement atheists are supposed to have equal rights under the law and then asked to say how accurate that statement was ready for the the numbers not really okay well either way 61 said very accurate good uh that leaves a bunch more people 18 said somewhat accurate uh whatever and 21 said whatever the fuck else all of which would mean not even somewhat accurate is that last group as a whole so just to be clear only about three

fifths of americans realize that atheists are not on the three-fifths plan that we used to have for other groups of people okay they can vote but no driver's licenses all right y'all get life liberty and trivial pursuit yeah and uh just in case those numbers i just gave you weren't depressing enough here's one other fun set of stats when asked to name the branches of government the most common score was zero out of three oh jesus christ that's the most that's the the most common common score on this test of three questions about 33 percent of americans cannot name a single branch of government oh jesus 27 percent named one branch 13 percent named two branches which it's weird to know two out of three right the craziest one how whatever and

only 26 could name all three branches of government also just for the record one guy was like fuck you nerd and refused to answer so that's i think another zero out of three into the mix heath heath i know you're proud of your answer but a little decorum right let's not insert ourselves into the well see now i don't know because financial, prejudicial, and excursive, and they started to mark me wrong. All right. But getting back to the atheist rights question, what would somewhat accurate even fucking mean?

Do people think we have, like, learner's permit style rights? Like, only until sundown what are the words going through these people's faces like much like women and colored folk they can own property now but only if a christian signs the permission what the fuck do they think is happening what does that mean somewhat jesus yeah and you have to wonder what these people learned in school in school Cool. In school. In school. All right, kids, sit the fuck down. Today is history slash math slash science day before the next big test.

So shut it down because there's 112 of you in here and I need 95% of you to get an A or they're taking the desks. Fuck face. What's up? Um, I don't have a desk. Shit. Just use the kid in front of you that passed out from hunger. Oh he's squishy whatever quit bitching all right the three branches of government uh there's the elective the semicolon and the punitive i don't write that down pop quiz who was the first president of guam i uh are we supposed to have paper you all fucking fail in the real world nobody's gonna

hire you unless you know who the first president of Guam was. I don't think that's true. Oh, that shit's over. I got paid 18 bucks today. Elective? Semi-colon? And Guam? Guam. Guam?

Guam. And while we're busy pretending that that would be noticeably worse than our existing educational system we're going to pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate rate it's a slut right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in massage well holy shit i do a segment last week on the slow march of progress in the middle east This week in Masada. Well, holy shit. I do a segment last week on the slow march of progress in the Middle East.

And then this week, Saudi Arabia finally gets around to letting women drive. Kind of makes me want to do a segment this week about all the money that keeps falling in my yard. But yes, 124 years late is technically still better than never. So kudos to Saudi Arabia. I don't mean to be too optimistic here, but it's possible that the rights of women to make decisions, swim publicly, or try on clothes while they shop might just be on the horizon. Now, I probably don't have to tell you

that there are plenty of Muslim hardliners in the kingdom that are vehemently opposed to the change. For example, in advance of this change, Saudi cleric and head of the religious edicts department of the southern province, Sa'ad al-Hijri, tried to preempt the advance by pointing out how incredibly dangerous this move would be. After all, as he points out, women only have one quarter of the brain that men have. Yep, that's what the fucker said. And if you're not offended enough already, let me explain to you how he got there. First of all, according to this idiot, women's brains are only half the size of man brains. This is disputed, of course, by the

actual relative size of the respective brains. On the average, the male brain is about 10% larger than the female one, which leads to a difference in IQ of about, oh, zero points. But what are you going to trust, the actual verifiable testable evidence or the rantings of a jackass whose education is determined entirely by a book that says the earth is flat, stars are anti-demon missiles, the sun sets in a muddy spring, the sky is a solid substance, and semen is stored in the ribs? But it gets worse, because so far we've only exaggerated the cerebral demorphism by 40%. You see, women have half brains. But it gets even worse when they engage in lady stuff like shopping.

You see, according to Al-Hajiri, when women go shopping, that activity fully occupies half of their brain, leaving only half of it to devote to the rules of the road. Now, to be fair, the government was kind of pissed about this statement, and it led to this cleric being suspended from leading any religious task for an unspecified amount of time. Yay. Apparently, it's illegal in Saudi Arabia to engage in controversial speech that doesn't serve the national interest. And as terrifying as that law is, it's not as terrifying as the idiot's conception of neurology. So I guess we'll overlook it this time. Of course,

we shouldn't mistake this for freedom or anything. They're still hashing out how this change is going to take place, and there will probably still be parts of Saudi Arabia where lady cars aren't allowed to go. In addition, it's widely expected that women drivers will have a curfew that doesn't apply to men. But the nation does seem to be making a concerted effort to make it to the 20th century before the 21st century is over. And considering what we've got to work with, that's probably worth celebrating. Now, if you'll excuse me, all this speaking and thinking and stuff has really taxed my tiny little lady brain. So I'm going to need to close things off here and hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in chapeaus and cons news tonight, Christian, bucket salesman, thank you, thank you. Christian, bucket salesman, and convicted felon Jim Backer knows an awful lot about crimes. The ones he was convicted of and, of course, the ones he has not yet been convicted of. But one crime he doesn't seem to know a lot about is murder. Wait, so you're trying to tell me that that cancer got into Tammy Faye's colon all by itself?

You're a more trusting man than I am, Mr. Bosnick. Well, okay, speaking of which, when are we cracking open that bucket? My colon is ready. I am excited about that. It is in my apartment. There are T-shirts on it. So this week on a show which continues to be the world's worst infomercial, he made that point even more apparent when, as he was in the middle of thoroughly working Donald Trump's Tate for, quote, not being afraid to pray, end quote, he noted that he, Jim Becker, wears his cross hat even though a rogue atheist could murder him for it at any moment.

Well, first of all, Park better. But based on his appearance, I'd say Baker's a lot more likely to die by, you know, choosing the glass in front of him than anything else. Very true. So let's examine the quote. Here it is. Quote, I wear them out in public. He means the hat. And I know I could be shot, not for the money he stole from those people for the hat.

I know that. There are crazy people out there. They mostly watch his show. But I'm not going to deny the cross. I will not deny the cross i won't and cross well you know i feel like this is christianity's fault for picking a holy symbol that so naturally lines up with gun sights oh skeptic yeah really hard to do with the hindus yeah so yeah for the umpteenth time on this show we need to look inwards and stop the rash of

atheist killings happening in this country. It's gotten out of hand. It's gotten out of hand. Absolutely. And don't bother to email us. It doesn't matter how many times we tell Eli that his name is pronounced Baker, he still says Backer. And in putting the sect in vasectomy news tonight, Catholics are out

for your dicks. And I'm not just speaking to the 12 and under crowd now. I am, however. Hey, kids, find mom and dad's phone and text me. No, no, no. If I keep the same intonation, it sounds better on the edit. Last week, a local paper in Eureka, California, published an op-ed from a local doctor concerned about the decreasing availability of vasectomies in the area. And urologist Scott Sattler makes it perfectly clear where the blame lies the increasingly monopolistic control of our nation's hospitals by the catholic church and its single-minded effort to maximize the

world's sperm production catholic hospitals we put the cum in compassion and please forget the other places we put the cum now this story is about humboldt county and it takes a local focus but it represents a national problem by and large the catholics have shifted gears from lobbying for laws to simply just taking the law into their own hands you might not be able to pass laws restricting access to birth control but you can buy up all the birth control and just keep it or in this case you can give massive financial incentives to urologists who join the saint joseph health medical group and put a provision in there that says you can't perform vasectomies because baby jesus put all them tadpoles there for a reason right and horrible as this is this is the good version of this terrible thing right

listeners may remember earlier in the year when we reported on catholic hospitals also refusing to treat women who needed emergency abortions or medically necessary hysterectomies as well so this is the good side yeah fuck we're like one step away from catholic ambulances just speeding around rushing used condoms to the er doing mouth-to-mouth on them but until we get there this isn't funny as sadler pointed out in his op-ed vasectomies are safer cheaper and more reliable than any other form of permanent birth control on top of that it's almost entirely undergone by married men who already have kids so this isn't even about breeding so much as it's just about not fucking for fun educated adults are spending hundreds of

millions of dollars in their unrelenting mission to keep married people from having too much fun with their naughty bits. I say this a lot about a lot of things, but once again, even if this was the only problem with religion, dot, dot, dot. And finally

tonight, in Sunni with a chance of Spaceballs news, that's going to make sense in a second. The social studies curriculum in Saudi Arabia accidentally became slightly more relevant to modern society this semester when a photograph made its way into a run of high school textbooks over there showing former monarch King Faisal sitting next to Yoda, the Jedi Master. You hate it when celebrities have weird business ties.

Yoda's in with the Saudis. President is a Russian spy. You never know how to feel. Apparently, the guy who actually made this image with Yoda has no idea how it got in the textbook. But I love the fact that it exists at all because according to the Photoshopper in question, he did it because the only way to make Saudi history

not depressing as fuck is to add fictional characters to it and shit. I think he's got to do a few more things to fix. It's a step. Yeah. So I'm not sure who got replaced by Yoda in the original picture. But regardless, this is a country that has exactly zero public movie theaters. So this is like their Obamacare, like big thing. And by that, I mean, it's a step in the right direction.

But conservatives are desperately trying to undo any progress made and keep society from moving forward without them. Also known as religion existing. Also known as conservatives existing, to be fair. And speaking of panicky religious conservatives failing to make arabia great again it was announced this week that women will soon be allowed to drive cars in saudi arabia so apparently unlike here in the u.s right now their current leader king salman is actually working on improving the country rather than having racist Twitter fights with professional athletes. It must be nice.

It must be nice. Radical, moronic terrorism. Say it. Worth pointing out, though, now that Twitter fights are a large portion of the presidential responsibilities, we're that much closer to President Eli Bosnick. Yeah. Assuming the overqualified thing won't be an issue. Yeah, obviously.

Yeah, so it looks like Saudi Arabia might finally be heading toward a more reasonable society. Well, I mean, except for the entire country being guided by a book that says kill non-Muslims and gay people until that's no longer possible. But, you know, you gotta make some compromises. For now, women will be

allowed to drive cars while persecuting gay people so everybody wins a little bit of except the gay people they don't with baby steps right everybody else just a saudi woman dragging matthew shepherd behind her car to fight song by rachel platten it's not funny it's not funny no no it's funny it's not not funny you gotta picture it don't tweet at me unless you pictured it you can tweet at me if you pictured it then you didn't think it was funny after that fine but you gotta picture it first use those 280 characters very exciting all right well uh stories about saudi arabia don't usually have much good news but the

female driving ban getting lifted is definitely a nice surprise. And also the Yoda thing was great. That was awesome. And we obviously want the Saudi people to finally enjoy the wonder that is the most overrated movie franchise in the history of mankind. So we're going to, Oh, it's not,

it's not what's more overrated. Exactly. So we're going to help out with the views of our show. Tweeted him. He'll never see them, but tweet at him. Alright, well, yeah. Tweet me what's more overrated. And also

tweet me whatever you want. I might get it. So we're going to help out with some marketing either way. Let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Taglines for the Muslim version of Star Wars. Go. Maybe that classic line from Admiral Allahu Akbar.

Oh, I like it. I did really great on these ones this week, guys. Good. If cars you drive, you are a whore. These aren't the droids you're looking for. What?

It rhymed. It was good. It rhymes. I think it was iambic pentameter no not quite no okay um what about uh adventure excitement consent a jihadi um i also did really good eli um how about c-3po jews ah i okay i got one uh jews i am your slaughter jew or jew not there is no okay and also everyone email about the i am your father line just to eli that'd be great um what about return of the jedi atola may the farsi be with you that was for iran all right i didn't do a third one. I just wrote, no email necessary.

Jews isn't any closer to Luke than it is to no, so we might as well say he got that one right. I did get it right, if I think about it. Alright. Sunni, the world shall be mine. Is that even a line from Star Wars? I think so.

Soon. He says soon. That sucks. Somebody says soon in that movie. That's for one of them. I got one more. How about Star Wars? The FG Empire Strikes Back.

And I guess now that you're picturing a hypothermic Luke Skywalker being shoved into a vagina to stay warm, we'll close out the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Getting shoved into a vagina to stay warm, the game. And when we come back, we'll finally put the book Alma in the rearview mirror. And now, us yelling about Roy Moore. Are you goddamn kidding me? This guy is all bad.

What the fuck is this? I lost this job twice. I lost my job twice because I put my dick in the coffee at Tom's Coffee, and I didn't get hired again. This has been Us Yelling About Roy Moore. In the early days of the Earth, before life took hold, the skies were orange from dust

and the seas green from dissolved iron. And it was against that alien backdrop that we first began to read the book of fucking Alma. But tonight, we're going to make it to the end of this goddamn thing. And forevermore, people at the finish lines of marathons will walk up to us and congratulate us. Hey, look, we both shot ourselves. My nipples burned too. I do want to eat squeezy applesauce. Num, num, num, squeeze.

They have to sell that to you, by the way. You don't have to run. You could just have that at home. Fun fact. Num, num, num. And since she always insists that I finish, I thought it fitting to return the favor. So joining us for this belated conclusion is my lovely wife, Lucinda.

Lucinda, welcome back. Whether I insist and whether you finish are two very different questions. Fair enough. All right, so when we last left our heroes, Baroni the Nephite was duking it out with Ammaron and the Lamanites, and Helaman just took control of the stripling soldiers. Right. And as you recall, the Nephites had a shit ton of Lamanite prisoner slaves, so

they decide to set up a prisoner exchange with Ammaron. Yeah, and mostly this exchange involves a I am so gonna kick your ass letter from Moroni. Right, but at the end he closes with of course I might not kick your ass if you give us one

man prisoner, one woman prisoner, and one kid prisoner for each man prisoner we give you. Plus, you got to let me give you a lamanite burn. No flinching. Let me do it the whole way. And to underscore this, he says, and if you don't, I'll even arm up the women and children to come after you. Because if a crotchety three-year-old reluctantly dragging a bastard sword into battle behind him isn't intimidating what is really okay weirdly dismissive of those of us who have a reoccurring nightmare about having to kill their way through an army of

babies but whatever you were joking around i can take a joke ha ha and then amaran sends back a letter that basically Says I'm totally not Scared of you I'm gonna give back Those prisoners and shit like yes but not Because I'm scared of you I was like gonna go to my room anyway That's where my stuff is Also oh and then he goes also

P.S. Christianity's bullshit He writes that last part All the layman arts are like ooo But Morone and I can't handle this Christianity is bullshit. He writes that last part all laminar to like, ooh. But Moreau and I can't handle this. I'm not scared of your bullshit. So he rejects the prisoner exchange that he himself suggested. Yeah. Right.

So just to be clear, the great leader in this book gets what he wants, but the notes saying he's going to get what he wants isn't nice enough, so he doesn't care yep that's it yep okay so you're sure he's not an atheist on facebook right so instead of exchanging prisoners moroni goes and gets his black friend and has him sneak over to the lamanites and get him drunk really want to be part of that conversation. Just be like, I will go, my king. No, no, no, no, no. I'm looking for a...

A what? You know. You know. A... So while all the guards are shit-faced here, they sneak in and arm all of the prisoners with the barrels of swords they carried soundly into the city, apparently.

Quiet, Carl. My booze isn't making any noise. You notice that? And then the drunken Lamanites wake up and Joey makes it clear that the Nephites could kill all of them, but they don't. Because, you know, what kind of asshole would kill a helpless drunk? Other than Nephi, the patriarch of this religion. Yeah, and we wouldn't want to make this book repetitive, the patriarch of this religion. I mean. Yeah, and we wouldn't want to make this book repetitive.

No, God, no. God forbid. So Moroni and his army take the city, and now they've got even more prisoners, meaning Moroni now has the most concentration camps of any literary hero ever. I hate to disagree with you, Lucinda, but maybe you're forgetting about a little man

named Adolf Hitler sorry there's just amazing money in being a Nazi right now I really want to get him two votes oh my gosh we didn't say how much money how much money Eli

$30,000 okay that is a large amount. We'll circle back. We'll circle back at the end. Now that Joey's realized how much filler he can milk out of the letters here, he gets a letter from Hellerman to

Moroni about the plot. Why the fuck not? And he is reaching for that page fill on these letters. It's like, dear Moroni, hello and welcome to this letter. How are you? Dot, dot, dot, wait, dot, space, dot, space, dot, space. Good.

I hope that you are very, very, very good. What if we block quote it? We'll block quote it. Very good. What if we block quote it? We'll block quote it. And in this letter we meet maybe Joey's best name so far. We meet Antipas.

Ugh. Antipas, the Nephite general. Okay, I like his YouTube channel. He makes some great points about feminism. Why are you afraid of ideas? Yeah, but the heart of the story here is that Antipas and his army got their asses kicked by the Lamanites. But then Hellermann showed up with his dribbling warriors to save the day. Eventually, somewhere along the line.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure this chapter is supposed to be about war. But when he starts talking about, you know, planning to bring them up in the rear and overpower him i'm not 100 sure where he's going good call since joey has zero originality either they do the little army they can see big one they can't trick again it's a bunch of nephites wearing bright yellow in front of the giant group wearing camo tricked him and then in verse 52 joey completely forgets this is a letter from hellamon and suddenly starts like referring to him in the third person and then in verse 52 joey completely forgets this is a letter from helleman and suddenly starts like referring to him in the third person and then remembers two verses later and goes back yeah and this letter continues into the next chapter where amaran was also trying to negotiate

prisoner exchanges with helleman right and then helleman's army heads out to take kumeni because damned if we're going to come up with a whole place name and then not besiege that motherfucker. And at this point, I'm pretty sure Joseph Smith thinks he's made up the idea of putting a city under siege. He seems really proud of how clever that idea is. No, I'm telling

you guys, you attack it, but you just like stay there. It's like Airbnb, but war. Also, why would you put in a part about the good guy killing prisoners of war? It's a fake story. You have complete autonomy over this unless you're planning to kill POWs in the future. Why would you have this in your book? What's the point?

I mean, Bryce Blankley. Then the stripling soldiers get into another battle and come away without a single casualty. So, you know, they're magic. Right. But they are injured, so it's not crazy. But don't worry. Something different will happen in the next chapter. I'm just kidding.

It's more Nephites taking cities back from the Lamanites for 41 goddamn verses. Just fuck this book. And it seems to me that, like, okay, once you realize that you have 2,000 indestructible, immortal magic soldiers, you can kind of give up on stratagems and shit, can't you? But then we wouldn't get all this awesome fortification talk, I guess. So, you know. Just smashing through the walls like the Kool-Aid guy. Hey, Joe! Joe, I think we need some wall talk or something.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, but after several verses of, oh no, the good guys are surrounded. What will they do? They decide to pray to God and he's like, yeah, no worries. Yeah, right. Also, we should point out at this point, Helaman has two generals working with him. Gid, the guy they probably named that city

after and his buddy tmner you can't even say these names as though you know when you're done saying no no not at all and i just want to point out that even though it says in the first verse don't worry we're not going to use that same small army retreats, big army in circles trick again. That is exactly what the fuck they do again. Maybe they were worried Lamanites were reading the book, which is written by Alma, who die vanished a few chapters ago. Right. But this time they managed to drive out all of the lamanites

but they do manage to kidnap a shitload of nephite women and children right and and just to leave a little suspense hanging in there he closes this three chapter long letter by saying sure seems weird the government isn't sending us more soldiers to support our war effort almost like there's a rebellious faction anyway toodles but the exciting letter writing campaign portion of the book continues in the next chapter here where moroni sends a letter to paharan or whatever the fuck his name is asking him to send more troops to hellaman and and while moroni is waiting for a response to that letter, the city he's in is attacked by the Lamanites because that's absolutely all Joey has in his fucking quiver. All the time.

So the Nephites bravely run away and Moroni thinks to himself, man, there's Lamanites. Sure, we're kicking ass, but I bet these people are unrighteous or something here. Yeah. Okay. Whoever was unrighteous, come up and put their dwindling belief on my desk. No questions asked. I'm going to turn around. Nobody gets in trouble.

I'm going to turn around. Nephi just walks up with a plate version of the atheist experience. Bang! And you know who can get too many letters? No fucking body, that's who. So we open a chapter 60 with another letter that Merle and I wrote to Paharan and

the TLDR on this letter by the way is to fucks up with them soldiers I asked you for yeah but unfortunately for us TL or no we had to R so we get verse after verse of come on man I know you have an army I can borrow yeah

it is the letter version of the So we get verse after verse of, come on, man, I know you have an army I can borrow. Yeah. Oh, my God. Come on. It is the letter version of the friend who gets ever more aggressive about borrowing money. I have a crazy idea. While you're trapped in my car with me. Now, at one point in the letter, he goes, man, it it's gotten so bad even the good guys are getting killed and and then he has to go off on this weird three verse tangent about how that makes sense though you know because sometimes that's the only way that an omnipotent all-knowing god

can punish the wicked god's the guy who invented louis the 15th spanking boy everything happens for a reason so there's also one of those beautifully self-aware moments where God's the guy who invented Louis XV's spanking boy. Who's this? Mormon God. Everything happens for a reason. So there's also one of those beautifully self-aware moments where the letter says, but why should I say so much concerning this matter? After all, we would both obviously know all this shit. So does the reader, by the way. So moving on. Also, who's writing this?

This right here, not the letter, the holy book. Who got my letter and wrote this as part of the future did you send it back did pay horn send it back i thought you might want to copy this down into a plate but eventually the letter takes a dark turn and moroni starts asking pay horn if he's too chicken shit to send armies or if it's because there's too many dicks in his mouth he can't give the order. Another great meta moment where he goes, what do you think? God's just going to take care of it? I mean, not that he couldn't.

He totally could, but that's not the point. God's actually, he's just super busy right now. He doesn't like phone calls. He doesn't like the phone. But eventually he gets to the point, send me armies or I will whip your ass.

And if you thought that letter was exciting, you didn't. Wait until you hear Pahoran's reply for 21 verses. And Pahoran's letter is basically the Joseph Smith equivalent of that now sober, half-hearted apology post on Facebook that's still really accusatory, even though they're admitting they were the one in the wrong. Look, look, I know I could have sent you some armies and food, but you didn't have to be so hurtful, really, if you think about it.

And muted. You see the onion? So funny. Now, by muted, do you mean join in an 800 comment thread? I did not mean that. I'm the opposite. I don't understand. So we learned that there's been an insurrection back home,

and a bunch of the freedom haters are trying to overthrow Payhorn. Right. There's also a lot of face-saving, like, now don't get me wrong, I may have been driven out of the Capitol left, but after that, that i whooped a bunch i totally whooped some ass after when we were on our way out people that were there oh you should have seen the other guy that didn't exist i also want to point out that this chapter has a lot of how awesome is killing people who rise up against god type stuff yes we pointed that out a

lot when it showed up in the quran a lot so it's only fair that we you know highlighted in this one too right i'm just saying we get the mormons out until we figure this thing out until we extreme mormon vetting so pehorin asked maroney to come back and retake the Capitol so they can team up buddy cop style. Oh, careful. If you say buddy cop too loud, followed by any words at all, ABC will make two seasons of it. So, the time limit is 9.30. Damn it! You are too late.

Pehorin and Moroni. So, Moroni gets Pehorin's letter and rides out with a group of men to finish this goddamn never ending Alma shit I hope honestly if he ran into battle yelling for the end of this book Keith and I would join in also

on the way there he flies the standard of freedom and thousands flock to his army to retake the capital but like if all you needed to do to raise thousands of men was ride through town with a bald eagle flag, why the fuck were you pestering Pehorin? He's got shit to do. I get it.

You gotta get the flag. You gotta get the horse. The journey. So he joins up with Pehorin and they go off to fight the usurper king Patches. Patches? I don't know. It takes about two sentences. He's also a clown.

He's a usurper king. On the weekends, he does birthday parties. Seltzer spray. Seriously, don't. He does dispose of this whole fight in like two sentences, but I'm not complaining. Yeah, shorten away, Joe. Shorten away. Exactly.

So they send TN Come and Lehi some reinforcements. And then they... TN Come is a real thing? I know, I know. Every time she says it, I start laughing. I like some TN Come, too. But anyway, then they head off to take back Nifahaha just to make sure this book

cements its record for most war in a book that still never manages to be interesting in any way whatsoever uh i'm gonna give it second place to guns germs and steel oh bananas huh that's how bananas were created fascinating however will i understand war without bananas guns germs and steel and then they retake nifaiha uh but by the way by sneaking in while the arm is asleep like this book and the muppet babies have the same battle plan generally speaking yeah way more sneaking in this book than i was expecting i want to say that now way more sneaking but before they can even have their war, Tien comes, sneaks into the Lamanite camp and

spears the king through the heart. Yeah. Because no amount of defeat will teach Lamanite the night watchman lesson, I guess. Again with a javelin! Knives! Knives! The way of the future! And when Moroni slayed the Lamanite with

much slaughter, they drove them out of the land. I wonder if they'll stay away this time. This is also where Moroni hands the army off to his son, Moroni. Moroni's son's name is Moroniaha. Moron. I. Ha. I may never be okay

And then the book Alma does its own little breakfast club close Yeah We close it off on a weird chapter that has Nothing to say except also There was a dude named Haggis And he built boats Wooden submarines

No just boats We've been waiting a while. When is that happening? I don't know. I'm starting to think it's in the Pearl of Great Price or something. God damn it. I am not reading a pearl of every price. No, no.

Fisher's price. No, we are not. And then Shiblon. I don't even want that conversation starting online. And then Shiblon, who got the plates at the beginning of this chapter, hands them off to Hellermann. No, not that Hellermann. He's dead now. This one is that one's son,

also Hellermann. Because fuck this book. I'm pretty sure this is the one that Mannes is named after, though. Oh, Hellermann II. Otherwise known as Go Fuck Yourself. Exactly. Also, there's a weird surprise war in the last couple of verses here.

The book is all like, and then the people did live happily ever after. And these plates were kept sacred. And just now, as I was writing the sentence, a bunch of Lamanites went to war with us. But, you know, we won. And thus ends the book of Alma. Oh, yeah. Oh, here they come again. Here they come again. Oh, action. All, here they come again. Here they come again.

Oh, action. All right, we're done. And that's it. For fuck's sake, the months of reading Alma have finally come to an end. Five segments after they began. So after two months of reading, annotating, rereading,

and sketchifying this book, the following question should be easy. What was the book of Alma about? The importance of regular neck massages. Okay, so Alma, Heath goes gaw. Seconded. I did go gaw. I liked that.

I think it's the best you could possibly do if you keep yourself to a tweet or less. Well, glad we finally took something away from the month that we spent on that motherfucker, but there's still plenty more Book of Mormon to go, so we're going to dive into the Book of Hellermann, who already died in this book, in two weeks when the Book of Morons returns.

Before we lock it down tonight i want to remind everybody that this weekend will be the last chance this year to see us live in the u.s of a we're recording a live episode of god awful movies in salt lake city utah on sunday october 1st a few tickets are still available you'll find a link to get yours on the show notes for this episode and if you missed that one you got to go all the hell way to sydney australia to see us at Skepticon on November 18th and 19th. And that's a really long flight unless you're already there. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister shows, hot friend, God awful movies debuting at 7am Eastern on Tuesday and an equally new episode of our half sister show citation needed at noon Eastern on Wednesday, or find bonus nuggets of scatheism by following us on Twitter, liking us on Facebook, or showing up at Eli's apartment in odd hours and asking him to be funny. Obviously, I'm not allowed to cue the outro music if I don't thank Heath Enright for always being quick with a joker to light up your smoke.

I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for putting up with my insane travel schedule this month, especially the part where I had to be out of town on her birthday, which is today, by the way. So be sure to hop on Facebook and wish her a happy one. I also need to thank the lovely in his own way Eli Bosnick for not of town on her birthday, which is today, by the way. So be sure to hop on Facebook and wish her a happy one. I also need to thank the lovely in his own way, Eli Bosnick, for not killing himself on his birthday and other stuff also, but mostly that. I also want to thank Jeremy from the Worldwide Atheist Podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for finally clearing us of all those pesky questions about our ancestral penis size.

If you want to check out his podcast, you'll find it linked on the show notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most munificent mammals, Christopher, John, Dan, Corey, Angie, Catherine, Brian, Jared, and Robert. Christopher, John, and Dan, whose cocks make more professional athletes kneel than the national anthem. Corey, Angie, and Catherine

who are so sexy the MPAA award them their own rating. And Brian, Jared, and Robert whose ejaculations give North Korea intercontinental ballistic envy. Together, these nine fine doubters of the divine helped keep this machine running this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the keen detection skills and ability to banter well with supervillains that it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn only access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not if it's going to cost you money, you can also help us out by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, or having our logo tattooed on your forehead. Okay, so I have just received word that Little Rock, Arkansas is where God's Not Dead 3

is being shot and they need paid extras. So we are going to put up a GoFundMe in the show notes for this episode for you to move us to Little Rock, Arkansas just for three weeks. Just for three weeks. You're just going to the show notes for this episode. For you to move us to Little Rock, Arkansas, just for three weeks. Just for three weeks. You're just going to pay our rent for three weeks.

We'll find an affordable Airbnb. And we will be in the background of God's Not Dead 3. And we're going to be polite on set. We'll use stage names so they won't be like, aren't you the God awful movies guy? We'll use stage names. Everyone has stage names in Hollywood. They're not going to look up our real names, right? And then in the background, we're just slowly going to make jerk-off motions.

Never in a way that the cameraman will notice, but just like I'll be looking at a pole and like measuring it as my hand goes up and down. And you get to follow along. And that'll be in God, I'll be pushing little old ladies out of the way just slow motion jerking off double dicks but I'll pretend that I'm looking through binoculars maybe I want to look through I don't want to look through these binoculars maybe I look through

so check the show notes, we're going to move to Little Rock, Arkansas just for three weeks, we got to get the job send in our headshots and resumes pray for us there you go we're not really going to do any of that job, send in our headshots and resumes, pray for us. There you go. We're not really going to do any of that. So two dicks, one in each eye is what you're describing? Yeah, two dicks. You got to imagine like looking

through binoculars, putting them in, taking them out, but then you move it out to the side when they're not ready. Oh, okay, you're twisting. You're doing a twist motion? I got it. You're doing like a Riley Reid, right? She's really good. A little here, a little there.

That's a hard skill. I don't feel like I'd be good at that. I feel like I'd be like, alright, everyone wait your turn. Alright, I'm the one sucking the dicks here. You assholes are feeling left out. You will play by my rules. My eye sockets, my rules.

If I had a nickel.