The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 242: Mormon Mecca Edition

Episode Date: October 5, 2017

In this week’s episode, we wade out of Alma with the greatest acting we can muster, robots start passing the Turing Test at glory holes because science is important, and we’ll try to absorb 187 years of concentrated crazy over a weekend. This week’s episode was sponsored by our friends at Dollar Shave Club. Remember, this offer is exclusively available at Dollar Shave Club dot com slash SCATHING. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To see us live at Skepticon in Sydney, Australia, click here: https://www.thinkinc.org.au/skepticon-australia/ To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: You can check out Sai’s “Save my Soul” podcast here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/save-my-soul-podcast/id1045213382?mt=2 Headlines: US votes against UN resolution against capital punishment for blasphemy: https://thinkprogress.org/united-nations-gay-death-penalty-36e6a5101ec9/ Multiple asshats explain why god allowed Las Vegas shooting: _http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/03/fox-news-host-maybe-the-las-vegas-shooter-just-didnt-believe-in-god/ http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/02/pat-robertson-blames-vegas-shooting-on-lack-of-respect-for-donald-trump-and-god/ http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/02/dave-daubenmire-god-let-the-vegas-shooting-occur-because-our-nation-is-wicked/ Christian radio host says the atheist NFL is brainwashing everyone with gamma rays: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/01/christian-radio-host-the-anti-christian-nfl-is-brainwashing-us-with-gamma-rays/ Canadian police seek recalled bishop over child porn accusations: http://religionnews.com/2017/09/29/canada-police-seek-recalled-vatican-diplomat-for-child-porn/ Mormon Leader reaffirms church’s opposition to gay rights: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/10/01/mormon-leader-yep-we-still-think-gay-marriage-is-the-worst/ Canadian bishops oppose vaccine that prevents cancer: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/29/canadian-bishops-oppose-vaccine-that-prevents-cervical-cancer/ 3 Year old Nepalese girl chosen to be next living goddess: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/30/3-year-old-girl-chosen-by-hindu-priests-to-be-nepals-new-living-goddess/ CO student sues her high school for anti-atheist discrimination: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/26/colorado-student-sues-her-old-school-district-for-anti-atheist-discrimination/ Google nerd starts religion that worships AI Godhead: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/29/ex-google-engineer-starts-religion-that-worships-artificial-intelligence/

Warning, we just went to Salt Lake City, so you can bet your ass this episode will have its share of profanity. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club and by our Roy Moore in seven words or less contest. Today we have two winners, Morton, who had Proves Humans Share Jeans with Root Vegetables, and also Jason, who had Pennywise the cowboy. Nicely done, Jason and Morton. I'd also like to add, uh, ball game over! Yankees win!

Ah! Yankees win! We're going to the next round of the playoffs. Pretty awesome. And now, the skating atheist. Hello, this is Sy from the Save My Soul podcast. And while I may not yet know whether or not I have an eternal soul, I do know that I have a body.

And that body did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's October 5th. And when there was only one set of footprints, I was following you. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I was following you. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we wade out of Alma with the greatest acting we can muster.

Robots start passing the Turing test at glory holes because science is important. And we'll try to absorb 187 years of concentrated crazy over a weekend. Not a dick, but first, the diatribe. I just got back from Salt Lake City, and I have to say, Utah is a surpassingly beautiful state replete with breathtaking vistas. And that'll be the end of the Noah says nice things about Utah portion of the diatribe, because while I was there, I visited Temple Square and my cheeks still hurt from laughing. Now, I have to say in advance, I radically underestimated what I was getting into. Dan and Mark from the Thank God I'm Atheist podcast offered to take us on a Mormon tour while we were there.

And I agreed mostly because, you know, there are a couple of cool guys wanted to hang out with them for the afternoon. mostly because, you know, they're a couple of cool guys, wanted to hang out with them for the afternoon. But if I had had any inkling of the endless cascade of bat shittery that awaited me, I'd have insisted we start at five in the morning. So let me try to paint you a picture here. First, imagine just like a sea of overstarched Josh Gadds in their white button downs and cheap ties. Now, I'm told it's not always this densely packed with bicycle jockeys, but we were visiting on conference weekend, which is like a biannual Caucasian version of the pilgrimage to Mecca. Apparently, Mormons from all over the world, but mostly Utah and Idaho, descend on the main temple to soak in a North Korean level of propaganda and see what stupidity can build when it's all facing the same way. Now, on that note, I have to admit, the temple itself

is a damn impressive sight. It is hard to do 12 and a half foot tall, 2000 pound golden trumpeter statue without being tacky, but they pull it off. They really do. It's spires reach over 200 feet in the air. It has over a quarter million square foot of floor space, and it sits in the middle of a 10 acre square surrounded by gorgeous landscaping and beautiful architecture. And throughout the massive temple grounds, there's a nonstop parade of insanity just daring you not to laugh at its brazen idiocy. Statue after statue commemorating a fucking convicted fraud and unrepentant terrorist. And, of course, a murderous, seditious, bloodthirsty bigot who thought there were pilgrims living on the sun. bloodthirsty bigot who thought there were pilgrims living on the sun a massive commemoration of the founding miracle of salt lake city where for the first time in human history birds were observed to eat bugs that's a real thing there's a massive enclosure dedicated to the three witnesses all of

whom rejected the mormon church at some point in their lives and none of them in a quiet kind of way and each one of these of course is enveloped in boring looking white people in the throes of religious reverence, all of whom are too polite to ask me, Heath, Eli, Lucinda and Andrew to stop laughing so loud. And just to make the tour all that much more surreal, the whole time there's like a temple wide PA system and it's piping in this monotone sermon about praising dear leader and not doing butt stuff. And this endless address was punctuated by various mini sermons scattered around the square along with long lines of mormon pilgrims desperately hoping to get a seat for the next four-hour lecture series on how they did too have horses and wrought iron in pre-columbian america but the statues and the temple grounds had nothing on the various museums that littered the square little indoctrination centers that wear the bullshit

anachronisms of their founding documents like a badge of honor. Caucasian Indians revering their Caucasian ancestors in ancient Israel. And as I'm wandering through these hallways,

wondering where the wax figures end and the Mormon tourists begin, I'm supporting my weight entirely on Andrew as I desperately explain that laughter is not a voluntary reaction. And of course,

this is all made the more hilarious by our tour guides, whose overall level of giddiness served as a nice little foreshadow of the very best Nuggets are Crazy coming up. Because Dan and Mark are ex-Mormons who live right there in Mormon Mecca. They know all the symbolism. They know what it means. And the whole time, they're filling us in on the actual history behind the various figures memorialized in stone and wax. And then, if we want to hear the official Mormon version of the same story, any number of cute, perky teenage Mormon girls were ready to pounce on us to explain why their statue of Jesus is set in front of a belligerently inaccurate outer space mural.

It was goddamn hilarious. I have never seen or read a comedy that made me laugh so many times in such a short period. By the end of it, we're like hustling through the last couple of highlights because Dan is sure somebody's going to kick us out of there for guffawing at the statue of Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery, very clearly arguing over who gets to go down on John the Baptist first. But I have to admit, after we left, I started to feel a little bit guilty about all the laughter. Mind you, this was in no way motivated by contrition for disrespecting the religious reverence of all them buttoned down

Mormons. I think Temple Square should just be filled with jeering atheists breaking the spell of solemnity as these misguided parents shove bullshit down the throats of children that haven't learned to doubt. I have to imagine at least a handful of those carbon copy Cody's learned this weekend that it's okay to laugh at this ridiculous shit. So maybe we added a little kindling to the spark of incredulity and a couple of semi pubescent Mormons. And if we managed even that all the laughter was justified. And even if we didn't manage that the sheer ridiculous nature of everything their religion is built on and the fact that it's a religion is already plenty enough to justify it. it's a religion is already plenty enough to justify it. But I still felt guilty because I realized that if I was a more sympathetic person, my reaction would have been a hell of a lot further

out on the saddest fuck end of the emotional spectrum. I mean, it's easy to point and laugh from the outside, but as soon as you realize you're standing in the middle of one America's most successful cons amid an ocean of its victims, giggling gets a little harder. When you start to reflect on all the things the curious, impressionable minds are being denied in an effort to advance this demonstrably ridiculous but insanely lucrative worldview, when you look into the eyes of the children

being fed this nonsense and the adults that they're about to become, all in the shadow of a 222-foot tower of granite quarried from a canyon 20 miles away and chiseled into a mansion for cult leaders by uncompensated brainwashed acolytes you know good and damn well that the proper emotional reaction is not laughter it's outrage outrage at the misogynistic cult these young women are being blindly ushered into outrage at the vast scope of sciences that

they have to ignore just to make their horseshit anachronism square with even the barest form of rationality outrage at the consciously disingenuous whitewashing of a bloody and bigoted past. The Mormon church bilks their flock out of about $2 billion a year worth of unpaid labor and a handful of well-placed homophobic misogynistic con artists use it to expand their land holdings pad their pockets wet their dicks and increase their power at the helm of one of the most expansive networks of lies in american history and when you look at it from that angle

there's nothing funny about it they're talking about you jesus joining me for headlines tonight are two men who, despite what they might say after I finish this intro, are not Mormons. Heath Enright and Eli Boston. We are Mormons. We are Mormons. No, no, no, not. Fellas, what did you think of Salt Lake City? Oh, it was great.

It was great. Just flipping through my... Eli, I'm not sharing binders with you if the pages are always stuck together. I don't know, like aim sideways or something. I am aiming sideways. All right, all right. Well, obviously, I need to take a second to remind these guys how Mormons feel about masturbation. So we'll pause for a word from this week's sponsor, Dollar Shave Club.

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time to try the club than now and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight the u.s reaffirmed its unwavering support for killing people this week by voting against a u.n resolution condemning capital punishment for apostasy blasphemy adultery and same-sex relationships fuck joining the u.s in opposition where nations like iraq q Saudi Arabia, and the UAE opposing it where countries people might want to move to. Just looking around the room and everyone who has their hand raised besides us.

Seems like we're bad guys. Furious movie. Fuck, we all have spinny chairs and a cat. We look like idiots. We gotta plan this ahead. This is stupid. Oh, dude, I didn't know you were

gonna, you do your eye patch left, I'll go right. Now, it's worth emphasizing that this really can't be written off as U.S. support for the death penalty either. I mean, as despicable as that practice is, the resolution didn't call for an outright end to capital punishment, it just called for an end to it when it's used against minority groups just for being minority groups.

Oh, okay. Well, now I'm not sure. You didn't say that. Nope, nope. Not that kind of minority group. This story is confusing. You should write more clearly. I have no idea.

I feel like it was. I mean, you could read more clearly. No, for the record, there are six countries that routinely kill people for being gay or not believing in God or not believing in the right God. That would be Iran, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Yemen, Nigeria and Somalia. Also anywhere ISIS has a foothold. There are another five countries that have a death penalty on the book for those crimes, but don't enforce it routinely enough to make the first list in all over 625 million people live in a country where they could be legally executed over who they consensually fuck that's one person in 12 and the u.s as a matter of policy supports that you guys feeling great again yet are we great now crushing it again it's a good thing you know

what i like is that he's an outsider and in diddle shop of horrors news tonight police in canada have released a very polite warrant for the arrest of a vatican diplomat who is recalled from the u.s in the midst of a child pornography investigation this makes two countries that now want to jail this malicious fuck three if you count Vatican City as a country, and believe their bullshit line about how they only hurriedly extracted him from the U.S. because they wanted to give him a what-for-all over them naked kitty pics, too. I'm sorry, officer. My son is grounded.

You can't take him to jail for murder. I mean, he's already being punished. Yeah, and by grounded, I mean giant fuck party with hookers and cocaine. Yeah. And by hookers, I mean piles of little boys in Nazi gold. Cocaine means cocaine. Yeah, no. Thank you.

Yeah, exactly. You hear that, Salt Lake City? Cocaine means cocaine. I don't want to get into it. So, Carlo Capella is accused of uploading child pornography to a social media site during a trip to windsor over christmas last year so yes instagram the child porn was apparently a birthday present to jesus and according to the u.s state department that wasn't an isolated incident state department officials asked the vatican to waive capella's

diplomatic immunity so that he could face prosecution for similar crimes in the u.s but of course the vatican refused and recalled recalled him to Vatican City, where they're now hard at work examining the evidence between breaks for lotion refills and protein bars. Classic mistake. You got to get a lotion hose. What's your advice? Just in general, it feels like it was learned when you were Buffalo Bill. Just in general.

A lot of advice. John, the next. Feels like it was learned when you were Buffalo Bill. Just in general. A lot of advice. John. Has a strong signal of just how much punishment Capella doesn't face back home in Francis's pedophile loving arms. It comes in the Vatican's official response to the latest warrant, which was at the time of this writing, four days after the warrant was issued, nothing. the warrant was issued nothing they haven't even officially identified capella as the recalled diplomat either because they're actively protecting the reputation of a known distributor of kitty porn or because they have so many child porn recalled diplomats they couldn't be sure which one canada was looking for it's got a giant binder yeah right okay capella capella Capella. Capella. One second. Here we go. C, C-A. Which one?

Capella is a pretty common name. You know. This is not. Couldn't get Steve Cruximar. Would have gotten him right away. And in what's a guy got to do to get kicked out of your mall news tonight. Right. And it came to pass as we stood in front of their front case this week

making fun of their wax statues and their attic tribute to space Jesus. The Mormon church was confirming that they are, all of that is real, that they are, in fact, a bunch of homophobic assholes. Which it grossly conflicts with their choice of statue poses

and the unmistakable cock and balls architecture of their office building. Right? I don't know, though. I feel like a man can love a good cock and balls without being gay. Right? Although the statue of a little boy about to get skull fucked by Joe Smith is a little harder to reconcile. The whole city seethes with homoerotic tension. Yeah. Seethes with homoerotic tension.

Yeah. Seethes with it. It's like Ryan Gosling and Wild Reynolds getting their faces as close together without touching as possible. It's like me and David Smalley. I can't get into it. Anyways. So, yes. While Noah wrote the next 84 months worth of diatribes in his head, and while dan and mark toured us around what can only be

called a giant golden stone monument to not thinking very hard this week the mormons were hearing their biannual mormon general assembly thing bobber and it was at this event that dallin h hoax who is a member of the quorum of Twelve Apostles, whatever the fuck that means, and looks like every man over 50 in the entire state. Kind of like cheesecloth the person. Yeah. Very powdery.

Like, I can't... Anyways, as we strode through a statue garden that would only appropriately be titled Almost Blowjobs, Oaks took to the stage. Okay, it was, right every every statue is just like just like that real close real close almost there real almost there it's just like you're late you're like your hair okay all right oaks took to the stage with the following statement quote even as we must live with the

marriage laws and other traditions of a declining world those who strive for exaltation must take personal choices in family life according to the lord's way whenever that differs from the world's way and quote which is fittingly mormon because it's a terrible thing to say, but it's also boring. And that is the best way to sum up the Book of Mormon that I can think of. Terrible. If he had been talking about a specific gay guy named Buttfucker

Ha, it would have been the perfect way to, yeah. And his son, Buckfucker Ha. Aramis. Aramis. Aran. Wop-bop-a-doo-bop. Anti-butt-fucker Nephi.

And in Regina monologues news tonight, a group of Catholic bishops in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan is very politely trying to kill local kids by causing more cancer. Last week, the Archdiocese of regina sent out a gently worded letter urging parents to deny their children a vaccination against human papillomavirus or hpv because of so-called moral implications for fuck's sake and whatever the fuck that means apparently outweighs the moral implications of letting your daughter get highly preventable hpv which can cause cervical cancer which can cause um

dying of cervical cancer well but because if god wanted your daughter to not die of cervical cancer he wouldn't have made her a whore that's their social policy yes so uh according to the diocese they have scientific evidence that abstinence until marriage is the best thing to be teaching kids and the other thing they lied about is all the clear evidence supporting the vaccine's use which their letter claimed was non-existent because the research was in quote the early stages fucking what yeah well it's not turns out that second lie happened because these people just kept sending out the exact same letter for over 10 years without checking on any facts so be on the lookout for next week's letter about how

jonah's sock might be a shard and let's wait for the data. Now, this explains the monthly notices I keep getting about detours around the church door at Wittenberg. Sorry, we're still trying to get the nails out. We're getting there now. Yes, so the blatant lying wasn't great. But in fairness, the bishops also put together a pretty good logical argument. great but in fairness the bishops also put together a pretty good logical argument they pointed out that the vaccine gives people a sense of security which is going to cause risky behavior and i mean i get that like thinking back i got a rabies vaccine when i was a kid at one point

and i immediately started blowing stray cats just showing off to my friend. Look at all these cats I can blow. You can't. I can't. Man, man, man, man, man. Just playing chubby bunny with cat dicks. I remember. Yeah. You had that day. Yeah. Turned out to be a nice little Saturday with no consequences.

But it could have been bad is the point. I got lucky. So you got to weigh the risk of cervical cancer against the risk of sucking random cat dicks. Obviously. Something to consider if you have a cervix in Canada. Speaking of which, I wonder what that would consider if you have a cervix in Canada. Speaking of which, I wonder what that would be like to have a cervix in Canada. That would be like...

Well, hello there, me lass. Oh, damn it. Not again. Yes, I'm afraid I no longer work in a Dublin emergency care clinic. I'm here at the hospital doing the Lord's work. Uh- again. Yes, I'm afraid I no longer work in a Dublin emergency care clinic. I'm here at the hospital doing the Lord's work. Uh-huh. Well, I'm here to get my HPV vaccine, so if we could just get on with it, I... Oh, planning to let the devil shake your bones, are you?

Nope. Just getting my HPV... Tis a terrible thing. An HPV vaccine is a terrible thing. You know this prevents cervical cancer, right? Oh, the Lord may want you to have a tumor. It is a living thing after all. It's a what?

Has a heartbeat. Little eyelashes. I have a heartbeat and tumors do not have eyelashes. What about eye tumors? Exactly. Right. Is there another nurse that could maybe help? Yes, yes, of course, of course.

Get you someone right now. Thank the Lord. Oh, shit, it's the puppet again. Oh, hello. It's me, Nurse Toomey the Tumor. My mummy was going to get the HPV vaccine, but she didn't. And now I'm an amazing doctor who cured cancer. You're a tumor who cured cancer.

Oh, that's right. You mustn't do that, Nurse Toomey. Don't tell me what to do, you backwards, regressive bitch. Oh, the language, Toomey. And now that I apparently have to get quotes on tumor puppets to sell at the live show, I guess we should take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Nurse Toomey's going to sell some blue apron. A man wrote the Bible?

A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. It's funny, I had a couple stories lined up for this week, but I am my husband's wife, so you know what I want to talk about instead? Mormons.

So hike up your magic underwear, because I'm getting all poetic today. First off, I need to offer up a huge thanks to Dan, Andrea, Mark, and Frank for showing us around, showing us hospitality, and for Mark and Dan especially for being so damn funny at our Salt Lake City live show. I may have peed just a little bit. If you missed it, don't worry, we'll be back. And why? Because Salt Lake City is adorable, y'all. And also, I want to watch the look of horror on Noah's face when Eli orders avocado toast again. But Eli's Ugg boots and peppermint mochas aside, SLC was an adorable city. Little families of 13 running around with blonde hair and blue eyes. Boys and girls dressed up like Victorian dolls having picnics under statues of

Brigham Young. It's like the beginning of a horror movie. You know, the fun part, before the purge, or maybe after. And while I'll leave it to the boys to tell y'all about the crazy Mormon sculpture garden, the Mormon Madame Tussauds, and the statue that can only be described as space Jesus, I want to tell you about a moment I had that threw me for such a loop, I had to do a twim about it. We were driving up to see some of the Purple Mountain Majesty with Dan and his wife, Andrea, and Dan was describing the expectations of Mormon missionaries. And something Andrea said really stayed with me. Dan was talking about how when Mormon missionaries get back from their mission,

they're supposed to get married right away. They're supposed to, in Dan's words, grab the first girl you can and start pumping out a giant Mormon family. So I say, and what if you're a girl? To which Andrea says, you get grabbed. And holy fuck did that kill my boner for Salt Lake City. Those quaint families I'd seen were a part of a culture that tells women that is all they are good for. There weren't good Mormon women who were doctors and lawyers. They were mothers, wives, and nothing else. What I found so adorable for many wasn't a choice. It was a prison for women and not one of the fun, sexy

ones you see in the movies either. Later in the weekend, I met ex-Mormon listeners and the story repeated itself. They were supposed to get married. They had 81 cousins. Their sister had 11 kids. And the moment they stepped off the Mormon path, they vanished. Everything looked so clean and perfect because anything not right had been cast away. And so much of what wasn't right was women. I talk about misogyny for a living, but the kind I'm used to is less subtle. It's a theocracy of what women are not to do. But what I saw and heard in Salt Lake was about the theocracy of what women must do. So I'll say once again what I said to a few of you in person over the weekend. Whoever you are, despite what you were told you must be, is good enough.

And on that somber note, I'll turn you over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in I want to fuck an avatar news tonight a three-year-old girl that's where this story is going has been crowned a living goddess in nepal where she will be worshipped as the living embodiment of divine female energy or divi in hindu traditions until she hits puberty at the age of 12. So I did a little digging

and then Noah yelled at me to leave Phyllis alone and so get back to the story. It actually gets weirder than a three year old being the representation for womanhood. Don't say it. If I say do say it would you like daffy duck your way back into the story?

Wabbit season. Wait till you get home. Wait until you find out. The girl is chosen from her cast based on her horoscope and a physical examination by high priests for imperfections. According to Wikipedia, the qualities the child has to possess include, and these are all real, quote, a neck like a conch shell. What? A body like a banyan tree. What?

Fun fact, neck part of the body. Eyelashes like a cow. Thighs like a deer. Chest like a lion. And finally, voice soft and clear as a duck's. chest like a lion and finally voice soft and clear as a ducks what

she sounds like the lion man scorpion horse locusts plus one final edition was just like her and Gilbert Godfrey dressed like a centaur apparently she got it. Let me hear your voice.

Oh, gorgeous. That is soft and clear, but it's the thighs. Right. So after they've clarified that a three-year-old has thighs like a deer, she goes through several tests and ceremonies, one of which includes a night spent among the severed heads of sacrificed goats and buffalo. What? They come back the next morning.

Okay. I see you've hollowed out a goat head and you're wearing it like a mask. Nice work. That was the test. Can you start Monday? Have you embodied femininity before? But the crazy doesn't end there. See, now that she's the goddess, among other wackadoo things, Have you embodied femininity before? But the crazy doesn't end there.

See, now that she's the goddess, among other wackadoo things, she will live in a palace with a specially selected group of playmates who must never disobey her. She isn't allowed to wear shoes. But most importantly, when people visit her, the way this three-year-old reacts to them will tell their fortune. the way this three-year-old reacts to them will tell their fortune. Again, according to Wikipedia, if when she sees you, she cries or laughs loudly, it means serious illness or death. For fuck's sake. If she weeps or rubs her eyes, it means imminent death. If she trembles, it means imprisonment. If she claps her hands, it means you have reason to fear the king.

And my favorite, if she's picking at her food offerings, you will have financial losses. So if the 10-year-old gets snacky, you're probably going to die. And start walking in the room, she's eyeing the Cheerios. Fuck!

Fuck! and start walking in the room she's eyeing the cheerios fuck yeah and i guess if she writes a person's name on a ski ball and rolls it down a tube that means you're gonna murder that person sometimes clearly trouble underrated goddess and then of course to peek out all this crazy when this child turns 12 she'll be kicked out of her castle to go live with the family she hasn't seen in nine years like just happened to a different little girl yeah awesome does too yeah and in some become hushed news tonight recent high school graduate and unrepentant godless heathen sydney fisk is suing her school district for a litany of anti-atheist accusations that basically cover every illegal anti-secular school thing we've

ever talked about a school doing since this show fucking started fiscal ledges that despite stellar academic performance her grades and college prospects were consistently undercut and undermined because of her outspoken atheism in an overwhelmingly Christian school district. Yeah, and that's terrible. But I do get the feeling that Sydney is already setting up an elaborate revenge plot. The administration's going to be at a movie theater one day. The doors are all going to lock.

End of Inglourious Bastards comes on. She starts giving a little speech over the PA. And that's it. Just the movie that isn't fireproof will be enough revenge to get it over with. Hi, Sene. She likes our show. Hi, Sene. I'm sure a lack of fireproofing was an element in the plan. Yeah.

Now, the list of allegations is too long for a mere headline, but they include shit like bringing overtly religious speakers in for assemblies about abstinence in the name of Jesus, and then lowering her grades when she wrote shit critical of it in the school newspaper teachers openly discussing their Christian faith and church attendance during class a teacher-led bible class before school that bribed students

with a promise of free donuts blocking her efforts to start a secular student alliance group and being less than supportive in college recommendations and scholarship efforts because of her outspoken anti-God views. Yeah. It feels like this should be a pretty easy lawsuit. Basically, her lawyer showed up at the school and the entire faculty was like trying to build a bridge out of her.

See if she's made of wood. Right. Yeah. You guys lose. Your honor. I call not God to the stand. Surprise witness. Mumble,

mumble, mumble. We should point out that these are just her accusations but a lot of this shit is pretty well documented like the school definitely brought in a couple of speakers who had no non-religious qualifications to speak to students and the ffrf actually had to step in to put a stop to the donut based bible study thing when fisk brought it to light it's also worth noting that the colorado constitution actually provides more protection for religious freedom than the first amendment so they got that going for him and let's not forget that despite the relatively liberal reputation of the state

it still has a place that once elected gordon klingenschmidt to high office so it's not like we can just trust in colorado and finally tonight in machina x deus news according to a recent article in wired former google engineer anthony levandowski has created a new religion called the way of the future that worships the god of artificial intelligence terrible naming isn't it now uh obviously the religion part sounds like a stupid bad idea. However, I really can't stand human beings as a group. So I think I might be on board. You are the worst.

Yeah, right. Give me a calendar that makes sense. Decimal time and no time zones. And I am AI's bitch tomorrow. Hell, at this point, I take a nation ruled by a fucking speaking spell. You heard him people the cow says moo better than trump come on i'll vote for it i'll vote for all of it my vote doesn't matter but i'll do it yeah so uh again just like any religion i guess this one could be dangerous

in fact tesla founder elon musk recently compared ai to summoning the devil despite his company being a pioneer in demon car technology just like levandowski and despite that comparison being stupid unless of course you think satan is perfectly logical and efficient and and also real in which we should be right the devil yeah and and on a related, if you define God as an eggplant parmesan, atheism is bullshit. Hey, that's the over-geological fallacy. I don't think it is. Over-genealogical. Over-genealogical.

Eggplant. I love when Spellcheck's just like, I don't fucking know, man. I just know that's wrong. I don't know what he's going for here. Squiggle writing guy. Admittedly, putting lots of power in the hands of computers has the potential for abuse. One day you end up with a line of code that says, and kill all the Jewish people. But the thing is, millions of people have that line of code now yeah right and the world's

second largest religion has that line of code on almost every single page of its book yeah yeah 100101010 jews yeah point being computers are better than people that's that's what i'm saying and at its core the ai religion is just people who like a real thing, which is a big step in the right direction. It is. Yeah. Listen to the scathing computerist over here. Yeah. Computers are going to have to start planting landmines in front of refugees before he's going to see that they're dangerous.

Yes. So all that being said, I want the computers taking over, especially because I'm pretty sure we're mostly talking about fuck robots right I feel like if they take over we're receiving the fucking I'm still into it why would they want to do that both whatever

in the article they made it sound like it's all about the self driving cars and like you know better health care technology and blah blah blah nerd it's obvious about putting my dick in a robot we know what's going on and that's why we're gonna go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock ai porn titles obviously go ah right how about blowed runner 2069 uh horde circuit um about a good sized circuit matters fleshlight and bone uh okay how about the from the movie whore games the uh computer in their whore operation man response what do you have an answer that doesn't have the word whore in it or i do not all right about uh sperminator 2 judgment spray um r2d2 girls 2001 cops featuring my c3po face oh i like that uh whore of the worlds

do android stream of electric where you going? whores I fuck robot aka sex machina alright now that Eli's got whores on the mind I guess we actually have to stop the record and reset everything so we can close out the headlines for the night Heath Eli thanks as always

whore in the world is Carmen Sand Two girls, one RoboCop. And when we come back, we'll return. Ah, Alma. A book from the Book of Mormon so boring that even the people who think it's divine revelation admit that God was half-assing it on this one. Which is why we're proud to present the skeleton key to Joe's Finnegan's wake that is... Mormon Peace Theater. Last time on Mormon Peace Theater.

I'm Alma. Gah, I hate your girlfriend. I'm right here. Gah, I hate your girlfriend. I'm right here. Gah. Hello, it is me, leader of the Lamanites, and I am here to tell you- Wait, wait, hold on. Why do you sound Native American? Oh, uh, Mark and Dan told me that Lamanite of the Mormons isn't black, it's like Native American now, so- Okay, but odd that we're comfortable doing this stereotype. Okay, odd that we're comfortable doing this stereotype.

Well, this part is meta, so I think it's okay. Plus, I'm already in the makeup. They didn't need to know that part, Eli. Method. Hey, Joe. What's up? This Lamanite king, what's his name? Oh, yeah.

Let me just look into the hat here. It is Zarahemna. Zarahemna? Is that what you said? Yep, yep. That's what it is. Like the place called Zarahemla? Oh, yeah. What a coincidence.

Didn't even think of that. So that's just a coincidence. Just a coincidence. Yeah, totally a coincidence. Didn't even think of that. So that's just a coincidence. Just a coincidence. Yeah, totally a coincidence. Anyway, I'm here to kill the Zoramites, who, for clarity, are Christian now. Oh, no. God, who will save us?

I'll save you. Moroni. Yes, tis I, Moroni, strong warrior and leader of the Nephite army, y'all. Really? Because you sound like a lot like Ben Carson. Ben who now sounds handsome. Never mind. Not trapped in an elevator. And the work of death commenced on both sides,

but it was more dreadful on the part of the Lamanites, for their nakedness was exposed to the heavy blows of the Nephites with their swords and their scimitars, which brought death almost at every stroke. Slap, slap you in the dick, sword to the dick, dick, dick. Going for your head? Nope, dick, sword to the dick, dick, dick Going for your head, nope, dick Sword to the dick Well, Zarahemna, it appears I've defeated you with all my sword dick slappery Do you surrender?

I mean, I guess so, but if God is on your side, why did you need swords at all? For the anachronicity Not even sure that's a word It is Okay, I don't think you're a good source for that I'm gonna try to kill you now Hi-ya! For the anachronicity. Not even sure that's a word. It is. Okay, I don't think you're a good source for that. I'm gonna try to kill you now. Hi-ya!

Hi-ya! Ooh, my scalp. You cut off my scalp. I surely didly did. Okay, well, give it back now. You sure? Be careful. Sorry, it's all... It's my scalp.

There you go, good as new. Can you tell? Very much, very much so, just barely on your head. Okay, fighting back on? Yes, sir. Three, two, one. Okay, go. Dick slap. And so it came to pass that Alma grew old and did gather his sons around him.

My sons, go. Gather around and hear my final words. Hellermann. Yes, father? Okay, everything is great now, but everyone's going to be all like, uh-uh, go. All what now? You know, go, like, like, shmash, shmash.

Father, your illness, I can't understand it all. Black, evil and black. They're going to be evil and black. Oh. Got it? Yeah, I got it. Oh. And so it was that Alma was never seen or heard from again in the book of Alma.

Hey, Eli, what's up, buddy? Nothing, it's just, I'm just going to miss Alma. Oh, me too, buddy. Would it help if we did a sad goodbye to Alma montage with as much Sarah McLoughlin as we can legally get away with? Mm-hmm. All right. In the arms of the Alma. Whatever, kid. Mm-hmm. All right.

Whatever, Ted. I never believed in pre-Jesus. God. I totally believe in pre-Jesus now. God. Lamanites, God. God. God. God. Betterah. Gah.

Shemen-eh. Better? Yeah. And so it was that all the people were hap- Never mind, they all misbehaved again. It is I, Amalekiah, corrupter of men's souls, and- I'm sorry, Joe? Amalekiah, corruptor of men's souls, and... I'm sorry, Joe?

Did you say Amalekiah? Just keep writing this shit, then it's stuffy in the hat. And I am here to convince you all to give up pre-Jesus. Oh, no you don't. Oh, Moroni. Yep, just gonna rip my coat here and ride through town. Okay, here we go. Oh, got it started.

Do you have scissors? What the hell are scissors? Never mind. Sorry. Got it. I guess, um, scimitars are fine, but scissors aren't. Give me one second. I got it.

Here we go. Good Lord. All right. It's more of a strip than Give me one second. I got it. Here we go. Good Lord. All right. It's more of a strip than a flag. Damn. Okay, gonna ride through town now. Yeah, go nuts. Moroni, you fool.

You are no match for Amalekia and the Amalekiaites. I'm sorry, the Amalek... Just keep writing Oh yeah, I'll show you dick slap I am defeated But the clever Amalekite would not be dissuaded He went on to the Lamanites to encourage them to make war on the Nephites Oh, king of the Lamanites. Hi.

Oh. You sound, uh... Dan Snyder. Nice to meet you. And there it is. So, like, the, uh... Nope, nope. No, no. Not at all. No reasonable person would assume I'm any other Dan Snyder than this one that is king of the Lamanites in this humorous

parody. Sounds quite legit to me. Yeah. I wonder what's going to happen to me, though. Okay, you want to make war on the Nephites? No, no, but there's some rebels in the hills who hate me. Maybe they'll join you. What? I love this book, by the way. Nothing wrong with it.

I'm not that Dan Snyder. Hi, Malachi here. Are you King of the rebel Lamanites? Why, yes, I am. Paul Dolan. Nice to meet you. Sure, drink some of this. Poison?

The maid did it. Sounds true to me. Hey, Dan, I'm back. Oh, hey. Just lighting this wooden tea on fire. Great way to keep warm. Nice. Wooden tea on fire. Great way to keep warm. Nice. Wooden tea on fire.

Lowercase. You want to do our secret handshake? Uh, sure thing. A knife. Me did it. Sounds good to me. Oh, hello, the queen. Hey, I like the way you murder Dan Snyder.

Want to hang out? Man, murdering Dan Snyder sure does make beautiful women wanna sleep with you, huh? Murdering Dan Snyder, you'll become a king and beautiful women will fuck you. Okay, now that I'm done having all the sex I get for

killing Dan Snyder, I'm finally gonna take out Moroni. Hear ye, hear ye. Moroni is a big dumb dummy. Perfect. Boss, we can't attack Ammonite. They have all this crazy technology and defenses I've never heard of.

Oh, really? Um, what is it? Walls. Oh, fuck. All right, retreat, I guess. Boss, you'll never guess what they have in Noah. Walls again. What's up? Noah's got lots of walls up. Oh, well, he's a different generation than us, Heath. I don't think they're walls. I think they're a different way of interacting. You know,

we're kind of like the I feel generation. But you can be snippy sometimes, though. And the other day, I wore my new hat, and a compliment would have meant a lot. And I know that, like, physical interaction works. Sketch walls, Noah. Sketch walls. Oh, right. No. Oh, no. The city of Noah has walls. Okay, folks, the election results are in, and the city of Noah wins 1,000 deaths to zero. What? Bullshit. I totally killed a guy. No, I'm fine.

You got me pretty good, though. What? Really? You sure you're not going to die? I mean, I'm probably going to die, like, eventually. No, no. Can that count? The score is still 1,000 to zero.

It is I, the most feared warrior in the land, Teancum, and I'm here to... I'm sorry, wait, what was your name again? My name is Teancum, warrior of the dark jungles of the... You know what? If you guys aren't going to take me seriously, then I'm just going to kill Morianton,

king of Morianton, and leave. Okay, tea and cum? See, me, I prefer milk, but whatever, man. You guys are assholes. Hey, everyone. I'm Pahoran, chief judge of the, uh...

Uh... I want to say... Moronites? And we're the Kingsmen, and we wanna kick you out. Well, let's have a vote and see how it works out. Okay, so the Freemen won 1,000 to 0. Oh, how is that possible? I know I voted for us. Hanging Chad, bro.

I'm having the worst week. Gentlemen, gentlemen, there's no time. The Amalekites are attacking. No, I'm not going. But you'll die. No, I'm going to hide and stay in my house. No, no, I mean we'll kill you. Oh.

For Moroni! My God, they're everywhere. Whatever shall we do? Don't worry. kill you. Oh. For Moroni! My god, they're everywhere. Whatever shall we do? Don't worry. It is I, Tiancom. Here to save the... Oh my god, he's back. Okay, you know what? I'm just gonna go kill

Amalekia. You do that. He's the worst. That's right. Get all the peanut butter. I did kill Dan Snyder after all. Ah, yeah. Wait, Joe. So the hero kills the bad guy in his sleep?

Like with a spear. Okay. Doesn't that seem kind of cheap? No, what? No, he, like, defeats the villain with a spear. In his sleep. Yeah, I'm sorry. Do you not like God's words?

No, no, it's fine. I'll write that. It's fine. Good job. The king of the Lamanites is dead. I will avenge my father. I swear it by my name, Amoron. Seriously?

You know what, you guys? It's a name, and it's fine. Moroni, how will we defeat the Lamanite army? Oh, don't you worry, you flutterby. I've just got the plan. Oh, hello there i'm just an awful small army just three fellas sitting around playing cards and drinking limeade sure ain't a big army behind those trees over there sure hope nobody attacks us wow okay let's get them Buddy, you text us.

Wow, okay, let's get him. Friends of Ammon. Wait, sorry. I thought we were the anti-Nephi-Lehi's. Right. You are. Yeah, so why'd you call us the people of Ammon, then? Well, you're both.

I didn't forget. Are you sure he didn't forget? Yes, I'm sure he did not forget. Also, can I get an air freshener in this head? It smells like wet old timey face in here. Anyway, who wants to fight the Lamanites? Uh, well, we promised never to take up arms again. Oh, right. Uh, did your kids promise?

Ooh. Dearest Moron. Nice name, dickface. I'm sending you this missive in hopes that you will give me a bunch of prisoners. Very best, Moroni. Dear Moron Eye. Nice name yourself. Fun, but you suck.

Dear fuckface, how dare you debate me on serious inquiries only. Doesn't exist yet. Okay, well then let's have a war. Okay, so here's the plan. We get some of our anti-Nephi-Lehi brothers, who are a little bit on the darker side, if you know what I mean. We get the gods drunk. What do you say? I feel trapped in a never-ending cycle Of the same story over and over again

Me too For he's the guy we should follow For he's the guy we should follow For he's the guy we should follow Excellent, now that we've freed the prisoners We attack Run But don't kill them

That would be a dick move A dick slap move That's kind of a thing Yeah, we got it A dick slap move. That's kind of my thing. Yeah, yeah, we got it. A dick slap. Dick slap. Dear Moroni, it's me, Hellerman,

just wondering where all those soldiers you promised me were. Could have kinda used them a minute ago. Winky face. Hellerman. Dearest Hellerman, I would love to send you soldiers, but as the warm summer breeze melts over the meadow, so too but I be aware Dear Maroney, you're not sending me any fucking soldiers, are you? Dear Hellerman, nope. are you do you have them and nope okay man you are a little younger than i planned uh but god is watching over us so everyone change your diaper i guess uh grab your baby and let's kill some Kill some Lamanites. Okay, I'll get that. I'll get that.

Dear Pahoran, it's me, Moroni. Can you send some soldiers over here to Hellerman? He's being a real bitch about it. Love, Moroni. Moroni, I will send soldiers as soon as I can. Don't worry, God is on our side. Pahoran. Dearest Pahoran, can't help but notice you didn't begin your letter with zero

And it with love Are you mad at me? Love, Moroni Moroni, no, I'm not mad at you I just got kicked out of the city by rebellion And I've been super busy Warmest regards, Moroni Pahoran

Warmest regards, What is that shit? Letter to the editor at Reader's Digest? Sorry you got kicked out of the city, but maybe you can take 12 seconds to send it to Army and end a love letter with some motherfucking affection. Anyways, love, Moroni. Oh, he's not going to write me back, is he? Everybody, we must retake this city. Follow me!

Yeah! Yeah! Okay, Tien, come. Go stab him in the dick while he's asleep. God damn it, dude. You have a weird dick thing. And a sleeping thing. You guys do.

You have that. Yeah, yeah. This is perfect. This is perfect. Right there. Right there. My dad did kill Dan Snyder after all. Hiya! Wait, uh, Joe? Seriously, dude? Sorry, sorry. A second guy stabs a Lamanite king to death while he's asleep?

Yes, a second guy stabs a Lamanite king to death while he's asleep. Okay A second guy stabs Lamanite King dead while he's sleeping. Okay, can we go? Jesus Christ. Exactly. Exactly. Jesus Christ. And so it was that they did defeat the Lamanites, and Moroni...

Hello. ...did hand the army off to his son, Moroni. Ha. Ha, I'm a different character. Ah. And with the hopes that in a month we'll get to hear Ben Carson argue with himself about Lamanites, we'll bring this segment to a close.

But we'll see you next time on Mormon Peace Theater. Before we retreat to the bomb shelter for the night, I want to thank everybody that came out to see us in Austin and Salt Lake City. Crazy couple of weekends, but you guys made all the cramped airline seats and truncated sleep worthwhile. We got one live show still to come this year. That one's at Skepticon in Sydney, Australia next month.

If you want to come see us there, you'll find a link to buy tickets in the show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new and long overdue episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, I promise. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and a yet still newer episode of our half-sister show, Citation Needed, at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, I couldn't

very well submit this MP3 if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for spending four airline flights, making me thankful for my scrawny bony ass. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda illusions for not getting jealous when I kissed Eli in an effort to get kicked out of the LDS owned mall. I need to thank Eli for not making a scene when I explained that that was just to get kicked out of the ball and it was not a change in my sexual orientation. I need to thank Andrew Torres for coming along to both shows to make sure we

were allowed to come back home afterwards. I need to thank Bryce Bl for coming along to both shows to make sure we were allowed to come back home afterwards. I need to thank Bryce Blankenagle of the Naked Mormonism podcast for helping me sort out all the crazy shit that I saw in Salt Lake City. Also want to thank Cy from the Save My Soul podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you're a coupon clipper when it comes to souls, you can check out his podcast by following the link on the show notes to this episode.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, Brian Carson, Daniel, Chad, Rags, Emojean, Elan, Morecowbell, Justin, David, Amber, and Thomas. Brian, Carson, Daniel, and Chad, the head of whose dicks will only ever know what the balls used to look like, Rags, Emojean, Elan, and Morecowbell

who have so much gravitas the LIGO observatory records it when they wave, and Justin, David, Amber, and Thomas whose IQs are higher than Eli after a Bryce Blankenagle brownie. Together this dozen dynamic disbelievers disavowed deistic dipshittery and endorsed our disdain for dogmatic dicta and doctrinal duplicity this week

by giving us money. Not everybody has the insert complimentary attributes here it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode,

or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at ScathingAtheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you fear that your money has been cursed with grave misfortune, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, sharing the show on all your various social media platforms, and not believing in curses. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAtheist.com. And in return... I'm talking! It's my turn to talk! You know, with Mormon Peace Theater to do, Morgan's got nothing but time tonight. Let's make this as tough on him

as we can. Alright. Let's start it one more time. Dollar Shave Club always gets the best intros from us, right? Always. It's like, shitting on faces. Dollar Shave Club always gets the best intros from us, right? It's always like, shitting on faces, Dollar Shave Club. And you know there's some intern, just some 19-year-old, who was like, I want to be in marketing. Who's just listening to us.

Yep, they did the ad. Yes. Yep, they did the ad. I don't want any more of my salad. You can keep the free labor. And one wipe Charlie's butt wipes. I know, it's just a copy. That's the actual copy.

Okay, I got it. I got it. Morgan, keep that part. I'm serious. Keep the part where he laughs at butt wipes. One wipe Charlie's. Okay, hold on. Receive their shave butter,

body wash, and Alright, alright, alright. I had a sip. I'm good. Alright, Heath. You sold me on the butt wipes. I'm sorry. Okay. okay sorry i got this i got this the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2017 all rights reserved