The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist164: Pastorbation Edition

Episode Date: April 7, 2016

On this week’s episode, Mississippi will see North Carolina’s public restrooms and raise them housing, Christian leaders settle on "going down to the South Side and pulling for the White Sox" as the new euphemism for jerking it, and Eli will point out twice that he’s not a murderer, even though nobody asked.

Warning, the following podcast uses the shit out of some explicit language. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Prayerspace.com. Again, they're the sponsor from last week and also the week before, and apparently people are still having trouble with the URL we gave you. So let's try this one last time. Hypertext Transfer Protocol, World Wide Web. Type exactly what I'm about to say. HTTP

semicolon forward slash forward slash do not type backslash and also don't type do not type backslash then type www the period character prayer space, all one word using the word space

not the bar. Don't type any of the last thing I said either. The period character com. And now, the Scathing Atheist. the South, Miss Ashley, not Miss Abby, of no religion required. And we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's April 7th. And those Mayans must have been hiding extra calendars somewhere. Something. Taking a while. No illusions. I'm Heath Enright, and from double-wide girth control, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, Mississippi will see North Carolina's public restrooms and raise them housing. Christian leaders settle on going down to the South Side and pulling for the White Sox, as the new euphemism for jerking it. I like it, I like it. And Eli will point out twice that he's not a murderer, even though nobody asks. But first, the diatribe. Do you still remember what it was like trying to talk yourself into believing shit? I mean, I guess for some of you out there, there's nothing to remember. Heath's one of those people.

He never had a religion. He never bought into the New Age bullshit. Never bought into the conspiracy theory bullshit. Just like born rational, I guess. And I wish I could say the same about myself. But if you could see my bookshelf from like 15, 20 years ago, I would pay you not to take a picture of it. It's just a bunch of neo pagan bullshit about crystals and tarot cards and high magic and low magic and any other kind of magic as long as they spelled it with a K. And most of this stuff was too dumb to take seriously, even if you believed it, right? I guess it's probably the

equivalent of an intelligent Christian walking out of a Christian movie. You can't help but walk away from it thinking, well, hey, don't get me wrong. I believe this stuff, but that was a load of shit. But, you know, some of these books were pretty good at rationalizing away the truly unbelievable stuff. They could cloak it in enough philosophy and misapplications of quantum dynamics and groovy little charts and shit to actually make you believe that tarot cards could tap into some mystical knowledge base unknown to science. Or, you know what, fuck, let me be clear here, because I don't know if those books could convince you of that, you know, I don't think they could have convinced Heath of that, but they convinced me, at least for a little while. Of course, there's always this

gnawing, festering scab of rationality that sits in the corner of the whole thing. I mean, you know, why couldn't you prove this scientifically, right? I mean, even a small difference in the predictive abilities of a person using tarot cards compared to a guy just making shit up, that would still show up on scientific tests. I mean, you could argue that the scientific community is biased or in on it or whatever, but you can't argue that the scientific method is biased, can you? Well, it turns out that they can, and they do, but it's just not very convincing. Hell, they couldn't even get past the embarrassingly deficient rational defenses of my 20-year-old mind,

and so there's this nagging doubt. And you try to satisfy it, but you don't try very hard, right? Because as nice as it would be to put that doubt to rest once and for all, the more you fail to do so, the more pronounced the nagging gets. So you take that minimalist approach, right? You shrug it off with something like, well, how could science possibly know X? But then somebody explains to you how science knows X, and you're like, fuck, that's really clever. I never would have thought of that because I'm not as smart as all the scientists ever. Who knew? So then you have to get a little more

serious, right? You have to go looking for some nugget you can cling to, usually in the terms of, well, sure, but science can't even explain X. So you satiate the nagging doubt with some oft-repeated and nonsensical claim like, yeah, but science can't even explain how bees fly, so how can they say that my hippie witch trading cards aren't magical? And somehow, this seems perfectly convincing. I honestly don't remember how exactly, but I remember being very comforted by shit that science couldn't explain, as though science's inability to answer all the questions, even the stupid and poorly formed ones, somehow validated a demonstrably false claim. And somehow I managed to miss the fact that this handy defense could be used to argue in favor of any imaginable position. And of course, in the meantime, you come across these other nuggets,

these personal moments that seem to vindicate your beliefs as long as you don't think about them too hard. You know, for me, this usually came in the form of somebody I gave a tarot card reading to being blown away by its accuracy. And these folks were invariably, don't get me wrong, they were my friends, but invariably, these are the people that I would never take seriously. You know, these are people who have spirit animals and see ghosts and think it's raining because they did a magic spell yesterday. And as easily as I can discount every other thing they've ever said, when they say, wow, there's no way you could have known all that. I believe them. I accept it. And I use it to buttress my bees can't fly bullshit, which is in constant need of buttressing because as it turns out, science does know how bees fly. And it

can't explain those weird pipe formations in Mongolia. And it can't explain how those ancient South Americans built those walls. And every time one justification falls away, that nagging gets a little closer to tugging. So eventually I woke up one morning and I realized I was clinging to a belief that belies every effort at validation just because Mikey's cousin said there was no way I could have known that he was having some sort of conflict with a young male. And I suddenly had to come to grips with the fact that the sheeple were right all along. And I was the whatever the singular of sheeple was. I was the person. And by the time I actually said it out loud, 97% of my brain is like, yeah, welcome to the party,

asshole. We've been out of dip for a while now. You know, see, the problem is I was looking for the questions. So that's exactly what I found. I didn't want the answers. You know, I already had the answers that I was looking for. I just wanted a question that would back that answer up. And when that's what you're looking for, guess what? That's what you're going to find. But whether I wanted it or not, my brain was still critically evaluating this shit and sending back an error message, right? Looking back on it, I can't imagine why I kept ignoring the part of my brain that was actually working correctly. I mean, I don't have a nagging doubt about shit like evolution or the Big Bang or quantum physics, because when I look into those subjects, they make more sense instead of less.

And I'm never the Christian walking out of the theater going, well, sure, that part of what I believe is bullshit, but this other part of science over here, you know. And to be honest, I can just barely recall what this shit was like, right? I can barely recall what it was like to tamp down on my rationality, but I'm trying to hold onto that feeling. I'm trying to keep it close enough to the forefront of my mind to inspire empathy every single time I have to explain the God of the Gaps fallacy

or why there are still monkeys. You know, for me, it's the umpteen millionth time, but for them, it's the first. And I was there. You know, I had a different bullshit belief I was trying to protect, but we all used the same methods and it took a lot of people's painstaking patience

to pull out all the nails of stupidity that were holding mine in, which means at the very least that I owe a lot of people in the same position the same patience. And look, when somebody comes at you with the why are there still monkeys thing or any of another thousand worn out apologetics, what you should take away from that is that they too have the nagging doubt. You know, the rational part of their brain forced them to go find that piece of defensive ignorance. And sure, if you poke holes in it, they're probably just going to go find another one, but ultimately you're bound to win, because at least on some level

their brain agrees more with you than them. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the true heir to Castle Grayskull, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to fuck Skeletor up or what?

Well, not really. I figured it's a big demonic castle in a mythical realm. And, you know, he's a muscular skeleton. So it just seemed like a good fit for him. Made sense. So we worked out a sublet deal. I'm getting 12 and a half over the market and uh he's going to take care of the maintenance oh works out well for both of us

yeah and it really underscores what an inflexible prick he-man was well to be fair though uh real estate negotiations kind of make shitty children's programming so you say anyway in our lead story tonight mississippi governor an illegitimate love child of b Arthur and Bender Rodriguez, Phil Bryant, signed America's most regressive religious freedom bill into law this week. Religious freedom, of course, being used here in the sense of freedom to hate fags in accordance with God's wishes. Obviously. Yeah. Despite national protests against this codification of bigotry, Bryant defended his endorsement of the bill as a way to quote protect sincerely held religious beliefs and moral convictions end quote so i guess i guess if you have to protect a few immoral convictions along the way it's a small price to pay right yeah i guess there's a law

in mississippi right now that says you have to serve gay people food and like it yeah like you truly have to believe they deserve to eat and And, you know, in fairness, that seems unconstitutional. At the very least. Now, the legislation here, HB 1523, bars the state government from taking any punitive action against people who refuse to provide services to people if they do so because of a religious opposition to same-sex marriage, extramarital sex, or gender expression.

Opponents of the law call it an open license for state-sponsored discrimination, while supporters argue that she's my cousin and I can fuck her if I want. And perhaps the most terrifying thing about this bill is that it's neither the broadest anti-LGBT religious protection law in the country, nor the most egregious one in Mississippi. By a good margin. Yeah, right. For that, see last week's discussion of legally murdering people on God's behalf. What the fuck is happening in this country?

Like, pretty soon it's just going to be like an armed National Guard unit following around every single gay person that wants to do a thing, purchase an item. Just seems inefficient. Yeah, right, right. So let's talk specifics here.

According to supporters of this bill, it would protect, for example, state employees who refuse to license gay marriages, religious organizations who fire or discipline people for extramarital sex, and doctors who refuse to provide counseling or certain medical services just so long as it's because Jesus told them so. Doctors to refuse services. Now, of course, defenders point out that much of this is already legal in the state for example one can already fire an employee for gayness or refuse to rent a house to an unmarried couple and somehow they think this fact makes their state look better i'm guessing just as bad i don't even fucking know anyway as things stand now both the law and the coinciding boycotts are scheduled to go into effect on july 1st you are dead to me miss. You are dead to me, Mississippi. You are dead to me. And in Sabbath goitoy news tonight, being Orthodox Jewish continues to be a tricky situation, especially on Saturday.

Yeah, no shit. You can end up getting sent to hell on lots of different technicalities. And this complicated game of duping an all-powerful ghost got even tougher recently, ever since last year's release of the Amazon Echo voice-activated speaker device that connects to the internet and can perform certain computer tasks. Well, it took a while before the tribal elders could figure out what the fuck it is, but at least one leader has finally decided to make an official ruling on this. Did they take it back to the mountain from which it was forged? Good idea. So according to Rabbi Yair Hoffman of New York, you can't talk to the lady in the black tube on Shabbos.

Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in. So sorry, New Yorkers, if you were holding out for voice-activated elevators to allow you to stop only at the floors that were currently being used every day of the week, you underestimated the persnicketiness of Jew God once again. Jesus. So here's the basic idea of the explanation from the rabbi. And just for reference, it's generally understood within the Orthodox community that using fire on the sabbath is forbidden and also electricity is the same thing as starting a fire somehow in these rules so he's saying that by speaking within digital earshot of a voice activated device your words are causing a physical

action even if you never had to like physically switch the device on with a button at that moment. Somehow this is different than stalking a heathen and asking them to operate electronics for you that day. Using your neurons. Yeah, exactly. They're starting a fire for you. And once again, I don't think this can be overstressed. These rules exist so that Jews can relax on Saturday. They leave their keys at home or engrave them into their belts. They stop at every floor.

They walk instead of taking a cab. They turn off their voice-activated conveniences, leave dangerous shit turned on overnight, make noon with a fucking sextant so that they can relax better. Yeah. Sounds very soothing. Right? All right. So one last thing, and perhaps secular pranksters like myself are already considering this,

but it seems like this makes for a super fun game called Carry Around an Amazon Echo on Saturday in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and try to trick believers into saying Alexa by accident. Oh, well, look what I have behind my back. Alexa is the word that activates the device and also the name of the default female voice that speaks back to you. But you can also switch the power-up code word to Amazon or Echo or maybe other words

if you know what you're doing. So the game never really stops. Yeah, right. Get creative with it. Hey, oi, how's the weather looking today? And in pantheism news tonight, lackadaisical ark builder and part-time lunar surface Ken Ham tried his hand at archaeology last week to the frustrated bemusement of all.

In a post on the Answers in Genesis blog, Ham bolstered the claim that Noah's Ark is a historical account by pointing out that Romans had stick-resistant cookware. And if you're wondering how he gets from A to B here, it's actually quite clever. The argument goes like this. Premise one, the Romans had stick-resistant cookware.

Conclusion, Noah's Ark is a historical account. Okay, well. Straight line. I did some research on this, and it sounds like this is wrong. Yeah, I got the same impression. According to Glenn Beck, the Romans didn't have the U.S. Constitution or microwave ovens. That's true. Which means it's highly unlikely they could build an ark. Not enough freedom.

Exactly right. Obviously. Well, I believe a cage match is in order. So I guess the idea here is making pans with a clay covering that's less sticky is approximately equivalent in terms of engineering feats as building a worldwide ocean-worthy 450-foot rudderless wooden vessel that you can survive in for 40 days. Yeah, right, right. And if that sounds suspiciously like bullshit to you, don't worry. It does to Ken Ham's readers, too, apparently, because he felt the need to justify it by pointing out that, quote,

people were already working with metals such as bronze and iron long before Noah was born, end quote, which, if you follow the timeline, is wrong, because Noah's existence predates both iron and bronze but says otherwise in the bible so he justified an inaccuracy with an anachronism but but he linked it to a science article on the tweet so it's smart of course it is it's smart here's the thing though um if the romans were really just like sliding eggs right out of the pan i see no reason why they couldn't use that same technology to build a Teflon yacht and give it to one Jewish guy and then let themselves all drown while he uses the boat.

But I just can't picture the egg thing. Like I would need to examine this pan. I'm not sold. Don't answer yet. Yeah, exactly. I also love how he sweeps away all the like non-technological objections here too like at the end of the article he's like well shit non-stick pans checkmate atheists blah blah blah and then he concludes quote there's no reason to assume that our ancestors couldn't do amazing

things like build an ark for the saving of mankind end quote as though like the only logical problem with two of every animal on earth forced into the same climate with nothing to eat but each other for 40 days while seven people scoop a biodome's worth of feces away on a daily basis amid a flood that contains 8 billion times all of Earth's water for 40 fucking days so that they could sibling fuck the world back to a population of 7 billion in a span of 380 generations is the construction method. Well, they didn't have nails. So how are they going to hold those together? Other than that, though, I get it. Airtight. So next up, we have a story that

it sounded like good news for a second. The headline at Friendly Atheist was Tennessee House Bill would let the rapists refuse to treat atheists, gay people, and other sinners, which was weird but mildly comforting, I guess. But turns out I read it wrong. It was therapists. Therapists.

Therapists can refuse treatments. And this is actually one of those rare times when taking out the rapist part actually makes it worse. Tennessee House is currently considering HB 1840, which would make it expressly legal for mental health professionals to refuse service to atheists and other heathens if our lifestyle happens to conflict with their religious beliefs. So competing with Mississippi as best they can. Well, to be fair, though, it is still illegal in Tennessee for rapists to treat atheists, gays and other sinners. So if you need a silver lining to the story there you go and I'm and I'm not just saying that because because of the way you misread it because if you're a gay atheist in Tennessee at least nobody can legally rape me as about all you got going for you but only until someone sincerely believes they should apparently yeah right yeah so uh among those

speaking in favor of the bill was gop state representative jason zachary who told local reporters that the purpose of the new law would be to reinforce the first amendment it which was apparently under dispute in pennsylvania yes so yeah what he means by that, this would allow any mental health counselor who sincerely believes that God hates blank to refer all the blanks to a separate but equal blanks only doctor. Not sure if anyone's tried out a system like that. So we'll have to see how it goes. Well, and I love how we just get thrown in now as cover on these laws, right? Because as much as I'd love to think that the good people of Tennessee were really worried about the atheist part, they just had to have like two other nouns on either side of fag. It's like trying to insulate your bill from charges of racism by saying that black people and guys named Frank can't vote.

Yeah. So that's a real thing that's happening in Tennessee. So angry this week. Apparently they got jealous of states like Mississippi, Indiana, North Carolina for all the, you know, penis cake exemptions and bathroom genital screenings. So they decided to raise the stakes and include potentially life and death medical care as a refusable service. Yep. yep and granted this might be a very elegant way of finding the market equilibrium for untreated mental illness like atheism and being gay right love the efficiency there but still uh kind of a stupid thing to try and figure out why do you need to know that i'm i'm regretting

that you put it in those terms now because now the the libertarians are gonna have one more thing to cling to well i guess before i scream maybe if you don't want to help all the people you shouldn't be a fucking therapist loud enough for the folks in tennessee to hear me we'll take a quick break from headlines and hand things over to my lovely and justifiably just as pissed as me this week wife lucinda a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race you're a slut right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in massage You know, as terrifying as this election has been so far, one positive we can definitely take away from Donald Trump's candidacy is the way he keeps saying shit out loud that Republicans are only supposed to hint at.

Up until Trump, when they wanted to say Mexicans are murderers and rapists, they just said border security and winked. And when they wanted to say murder the families of terrorists in cold blood, they just say winning hearts and minds. And when they wanted to victimize women who were seeking abortions, they'd say protecting women. But it turns out Trump is euphemism proof, which keeps forcing the GOP to deal with the necessary outcomes of the shit they've been saying for years. And that's why it cracked me up to watch the wave of faux indignance that poured out of the Republican talking heads after Trump saying that women who get abortion should be punished. Look, when you say abortion should be illegal, of fucking course you're saying that women who get abortion should be punished.

But the GOP has been trying to talk around that for quite a while. They'd rather focus on punishing the doctors, since abortion doctors are a pretty small portion of the electorate,

whereas women are a little over half. So they disguise their misogyny as paternalism and define the women availing themselves of such procedures as victims.

And pretend that this is one of those laws where you only punish the provider, not the user. And what the fuck is that, right? Is there any law where you only punish the person providing the illegal thing? I mean, masturbating is kind of like that, I guess, in that it only becomes illegal when you pay somebody to help. But even then, both of you can get punished. So of fucking course they're talking about punishing women, but they'd much rather the only people who talk about that are people like me, rather than their leading candidate for aging troll doll in chief. So in the aftermath of this, you've got Republicans everywhere scrambling to distance themselves from the conclusions of their

positions. My favorite example of this is Brian Fisher. He went on his radio program a couple of days later to explain those poor abortion women shouldn't be punished because they just don't know any better. We have little girly brains, not ones that think real good like Trump and Beefish. Think about this, y'all. This means that Brian Fisher is now more moderate than the GOP frontrunner. So you've got pundits scrambling left and right trying to moderate Trump's position, including Trump, actually. And the whole time the media is acting like the idea of punishing women who want abortions is some potential outcome of some dystopian future.

I mean, I'm sorry, where the fuck have you people been? Clearly, it isn't Texas. I mean, you want stories of where the fuck have you people been? Clearly, it isn't Texas. I mean, you want stories of women getting punished by bullshit abortion laws? You're not going to have to look hard to find them there. For example, let me tell you the incredibly fucked up story of Taylor Mahaffey. She was about five months into her pregnancy, which put her a hair over Texas's arbitrary 20-week abortion ban. So when she arrived at the hospital in the midst of a miscarriage, the doctors were unable to help her. They tried everything they could to halt her

premature labor, and when that failed and there was no longer a chance that the fetus could be saved, the logical thing to do would be to induce labor, speed things up, and end Taylor's physical and mental anguish. But they couldn't, because technically speaking, Taylor was healthy and the fetus was healthy. So inducing labor would have been abortion and it would have been illegal. According to a report in the Daily Beast, the doctors and nurses cried alongside Taylor and her husband, but all they could do was send her home in pain to continue the slow process of miscarriage. This went on for four days. Texas law tortured this woman both physically and mentally for four days. When she started bleeding, they returned to the hospital. But because the fetus's heart was still beating, they still couldn't interfere. at them to get the child out of her. But still, doctors had no choice but to let the miscarriage run its course. Now, look, I don't know what Donald Trump had in mind when he talked about

punishing women, but my guess is he was thinking of something a lot less punitive than that. I mean, as near as I can tell from his platform, he reserves that kind of stuff for the children of terrorists. And while I go find myself a bong to drown my depression in, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. Wow, I'm depressed. And in financial AIDS news tonight, head of Family Watch International and woman who probably refers to people standing right in front of her in the third person, Sharon Slater may have forced Planned Parenthood to revise their dastardly plan projections for the second quarter after she exposed their long-guarded secret plan to use sex ed to up those lucrative HIV treatment dollars. Shit. They're on to us. Right.

While promoting her new documentary, The War on Children, the comprehensive sexuality education agenda on the Drew Mariani show, Slater explained that sex ed in schools is a plot by planned parenthood to sexualize children so they can make more money off of abortions and std treatments hmm interesting i'm i mean i could see that we we already tried price gouging the aids patients and everyone made a whole thing about it it's a lot more diplomatic you can't increase the price you got to increase the demand yeah exactly well it's as plausible as we all find the profit chasing motives she's attributing to the non-profit

organization i think she's missing the bigger picture which is effectiveness i mean if you really want kids to have stds and you're providing them with the condoms why not just go full small pox blanket right i mean i'm sure juicy juice has some spare disease transmitting coding they could pass along i'll ask alex but and also and also why not just hire some diseased people to fuck teenagers it's more direct and i'm guessing we'd work cheap they they would i'm guessing they'd work cheap and uh regardless of the strategy we're using, AIDS only affects gay people and blacks. So I don't really get what the Christians are so worried about. I'm sure God knows what he's doing.

Right. Exactly. He put those AIDS there for a reason, people. So during her tirade against the plot to get your kids addicted to anti-retrovirals, she added, quote, there is a concerted effort to get to your children and change the way they think about sexuality to encourage them to engage in sexual activity, whether it be heterosexual, homosexual or self-stimulation, end quote, because you know how you always have to talk those kids into playing with themselves.

So no, Sharon, despite what all your sexual partners apparently would have you believe, most people just naturally want to fuck. They don't have to be talked into it at all. people just naturally want to fuck they don't have to be talked into it at all and from the inbreeding rainbow file tonight the tennessee congress took some time away from their busy schedule of repurposing jim crow laws for gay people so they could finally decide on the official state book oh that's important it is indeed what those people— And while their choice of a predominantly Jewish work was unexpected in some sense, I guess ultimately nobody should be surprised that they chose the Bible. Mm-hmm. Especially after they tried last year unsuccessfully to make Andrew Jackson's Bible the state book.

Oh, I see. Apparently that wasn't unconstitutional enough so this year they're not even pretending to be going for any kind of historical significance and they went with just the bible in general well but to be fair they found out since that andrew jackson had drawn himself raping indians and all of the margins so maybe they were just trying to keep away the school kids on on that you know, I guess one fish, two fish was considered too politically correct with all the miscegenation and whatnot. Of course, yeah.

God intended red fish and blue fish to swim together. Anyway, sorry. Yeah, so that's happening, and it's already been approved by the State House and Senate. Of course. Which means all that's needed now is a signature from Governor Bill Haslam. And it appears the people of Tennessee are excited to keep pace with Alabama, where they honored the Bible used to swear in Jefferson Davis as the president of

the Confederacy as their official state Bible. Oh, I see. It's a Bible. And by the way, just for context, this would make the Bible part of an elite group of Tennessee state symbols, including the raccoon as their official wild animal. Love me some raccoons. The eastern box turtle as their reptile. Pretty sweet turtle. The milk as their state beverage.

What? And the Barrett M82 sniper rifle as the official state rifle. Really? So, obviously, it's important they don't add something ridiculous and stupid to that list. Right, yeah. That's why they're taking a lot of time on this. I believe the state fruit is ketchup and the state pastime is gingivitis. But, honestly, if I'd had to guess the state beverage, milk would have at best been fourth on my list after moonshine, Mountain Dew, and Danny's Tadpoles.

Must have been fourth on my list after Moonshine, Mountain Dew, and Daddy's Tadpoles. Also worth noting, it turns out there was at least a little bit of opposition to the bill, which I thought might be the silver lining here, I guess, but it's not like it sounds. Apparently, the chief arguments against choosing the Bible as the state book came from Christians who thought this would trivialize something that's too important. And they don't mean books. Oh, or the state. No. So should the bill be vetoed, they may be forced to find a different way to remind the people of Tennessee about Christianity.

I'm sure somehow they'll find a way. Christianity. I'm sure somehow they'll find a way. And in and I wanted back news tonight, Louisiana state senator and guy who disappoints everyone he's ever made reservations with, John Milkovich, took to the floor to defend the state's legal protection of creationism in public schools ahead of a 4-2 vote to keep the law in place. Milkovich railed against claims that the law was unconstitutional since there's so much scientific proof in defense of creationism. For example, he cited published research on the discovery of Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat. And from what I've read recently, it looks like that Ark was found right next to an ancient George Foreman grill. So, dots connected. Point made.

Now, it's probably worth noting that the only thing that lends this law a shred of constitutional credibility is their insistence that it's not about biblical teachings, but rather that creation science is a legitimate alternative to Big Bang cosmology. But I guess when everybody's just pretending to believe your lie in the first place, it doesn't matter when you publicly cop to it. No, it doesn't. Oh, he also offered this unrepentant gem of insanity during the tirade quote the notion of instantaneous creation has been validated by the

scientific study of heliocentric circles in rocks end quote and if you have no clue what the fuck he's talking about i'm sorry to say you have at least that in common with louisiana state senator john milkovich okay well actually i think i might know what he's saying i think i know what he's getting at please enlighten me so think about it the earth revolves around the sun right and that's why radiocarbon dating is bullshit and also rocks have circles i get it i think that's what he's saying makes perfect sense now so if i can summarize the story here there's a duly elected state senator sitting on the education subcommittee who thinks rocks have circles in them that go around the sun and when you combine that together with the boat on mount ararat he read about from that internet machine you have evidence that louis Louisiana doesn't need to improve their

public education system, at least according to two-thirds of said subcommittee. Yeah, or get a couple more miles above sea level as fast as they possibly can. And finally tonight, in Bishop the Choking News, according to Christian apologist and Lee Strobel understudy Josh McDowell, the pornography epidemic in America has finally come to a head. And that's why he organized the Set Free Global Summit, which is a gathering of about 900 clergy members taking place in Greensboro, North Carolina this week. North Carolina this week. Apparently they're discussing strategies to combat this sharp decrease in the price They're unable to decrease the interest rate and unwilling to increase liquidity. And the stickiness of wages compounds the problem. And bam, five dick puns while discussing sound fiscal policy in the presence of deflation.

I got that shit. I'd like to thank great courses. You did the Houdini thing. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Rising up back on the street. Took my time, took my chance. Again, please, please, that's all the words I know. So here's what Mr. McDowell had to say about the conference.

Seemingly unaware that most of the reporters at the event were definitely just trying to get him to accidentally say penis words, he made the following statement about the load that society has to bear as a result of pornography. Quote, I realized that most people, including pastors of the church, are blinded. They just don't know what's going on. They can't even grasp the size of it.

End quote. Did not make any sense. No, I know because I had to double check. I was unwilling to believe that he gave us the blinded joke too. He also said something in there about inspiring people to rise up and take a hands-on approach. It's like he was trying to preempt all the easiest dick jokes, right? It was like the religious anti-porn news item version of taboo or something. Yeah.

So just a quick tip before we finish just to see how it feels you got it just for a second quick tip you guys might want to consider naming your anti-porn convention something that doesn't sound clearly like an orgasm set free global summit probably wasn't the best idea something like uh i don't know burst forth universal climax you're a little more subtle with it. Semionics are important. And I think a Christian apologist should know that. But more importantly, you guys were holding an anti-masturbation gala without a catchphrase.

And you're not going to end pornography and masturbation without a good catchphrase. That's ridiculous. So no need to explain what's about to happen. Let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Slogans for the Christian anti-porn conference. Go. All right. All right. The Set Free Summit.

Don't let us catch you sitting on your hands for the wrong reasons. Don't be a stranger. The Set Free Summit. Thank you for not stroking. Oh, nice, nice. We can all imagine what's on the little circle with the line picture. How about The Set Free Summit? Don't condemn another generation to the delusional belief that plumbers and pizza delivery guys get laid a lot.

Hard goddamn work being this good. Okay, what about if God wanted you to masturbate, you'd be able to reach with your mouth. Think about it. Awesome. Oh, we were doing 30 seconds. Sorry. Practice makes perverts. Reaching out with a hairy palm.

Maybe. What about the set-free summit? Stop touching yourself. Why do you keep touching yourself? Stop touching yourself. How about the burst forth universal climax? If you're a Christian, you can just rape your wife.

What? Why would you even need to? Nevermind. What about every time you masturbate, an angel gets its wings stuck together. An angel is the centerfold. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. hell yeah.

She does come complete. We can pause for another musical break if you'd like. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Oh, I got a good one. The Set Free Summit. Why did you guys all bring flashlights? If the power goes out, we'll be fine. There's an emergency light. Got a microwave potato.

There's a lot of things we can do got one more the set free summit hands up don't shoot Jack lives matter hey hey ball lives matter holy shit that could actually be their slogan though

so quick before ball lives matter sack lives matter so quick before we give them an effective hashtag we're going to close out the headlines. Heath, thanks as always. Inka dinka. And when we come back, Eli returns to tell us what more unsuspecting strangers look like. It's time to once more reach into Eli and Heath's indefatigable well of profane aspersions for the sake of humanity as we offer up the final segment in our three-part inauguration of Vulgarity for Charity.

And when I say final, I mean the last one we're going to do until all the people who we missed start emailing us because, I'm sorry, but I was getting messages through three different email addresses and Twitter mentions and Twitter messages and Facebook posts, pay-per-view messages, Facebook messages, both personally and on the Scathing Atheist page and comments on the blog, which means it's way more likely that we missed a few than that we didn't miss a few. So sorry in advance. And with that out of the way, we'll welcome back in the incomparable Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back. Oh, I'm glad to be here. Okay, so now be honest are you starting to

run low here are you nearing uh scurrility sterility yet i'm gonna i'm gonna quote my high school yearbook when i say that i am the meanest person who's not a murderer you've ever met i could do this we could do our own show just me being mean. Right on, right on. God awful human. I haven't tapped the well just yet. Was that your quote or did somebody else write that in your yearbook? When we did the pass around in the room thing, someone wrote in my

yearbook, and this is 100% true, I can tweet a picture of it, you are the worst person I've ever met that's not a murderer. So they know some murderers. Right yeah yeah that's good weird all right so let's get things started tonight with steve whose scrotum has been attacked by japanese whalers and he would like you to insult recently passed supreme court justice antonin scalia did he die he did oh my goodness where do i send flowers

oh you look like george costanza got into the machine from the fly with a ham. Antonin Scalia. Excellent. All right. You look like the godfather had an incest baby with his fat sister. Like Alfredo Corleone. I can say with certainty you look better now than you did a month ago. The very least you look no worse.

Next up we have Charles, whose IQ would take fewer characters to write out phonetically than numerically, and he'd like to insult his buddy Sam. We have a picture here. Okay, well, this is ridiculous. I mean, Sam's a beautiful man. He's got a picture here. Okay, well, this is ridiculous. I mean, Sam's a beautiful man. He's got a sweet beard, auburn, a little bit of distinguished gray in there. Perfect compliment to an oversized head, which he shaves. Also great.

Check. It's like he's got a nice, you know, cuddly build. This is a man who is the pinnacle of physical attractiveness. I abstain. That's ridiculous. Okay, I'll cover this one. You know how in Chucky, the dog gets brought to life with the soul of a serial killer?

Sam looks like that happened with a Wooly Willy and a child. I still want to play though. Sam, you look like Ron Perlman raped me. In a bad way. In a bad way. You look like that in a bad way.

Where's that deleted scene from Hellboy? I could tell you. I could tell you. You seem like the kind of guy who wears camo to a funeral, Sam. Your dad's funeral. That got a lot darker at the end. Okay. Next up, we have Brandy, who can, too, always get what she wants.

And what she wants is for us to insult her husband. We don't have a picture, but his interests include BattleBots, RuPaul's Drag Race, and fish. Not fishing? Just fish, like the general concept? Exactly. Marine life? Fish. That's what I've got.

And as an added challenge, I want you guys to try to insult all three interests at once. One insult incorporating all three. Okay. Well, let me give this a go. Ooh, girl. Let me serve you some fishy realness when I say that you sound like you're more interested in a face full of camomile regatto, Mr. Roboto. Check, check, check. Well done, sir check well done well done layered it right up all right um when i typed battle bots rupaul and fish as my interests on ashleymadison.com it paired me up with

brandy did i do it i think i did it wrong, I don't know if you insulted the right person there. Okay, next up we have Anna, who's really awesome, but she traded her compliment for an extra insult. So rather than focusing on her awesomeness, I'm going to challenge you guys to a twofer here. Like you insult two lovely ladies at once, Nancy Reagan and Jenny McCarthy. And again, I challenge you to do it entirely in compliments.

Oh, I got to compliment Jenny McCarthy. I'm stacking shit up on you guys. Okay. How about if everyone in your families had had a normally functioning brain, you'd never have the career you do today. Google Ronald Reagan's signature. It's practically a crayon, people. And Starchild. All right.

What about a compliment? Okay. You both married amazing B-list actors like Ronald Reagan and Donnie Wahlberg. Borderline B-plus. Borderline. Blue Bloods, Footman Tire You. We did a movie with a monkey. That's good taste right there.

Presidency with one, too. How about this? When you think about it, you both helped raise more awareness of AIDS and measles by letting all those people get it. Right? Like, who would have heard of the Black Plague if four guys had gotten it? Compliment sandwich. Decorated soldiers in the war on drugs. Absolutely.

All right. sandwich decorated soldiers in the war on drugs absolutely all right next up is joseph whose dick made him change the name of that astronomical radio observatory in new mexico to the it's a good size array and he'd like us to insult his alex jones believing tinfoil hat wearing jehovah's witness father-in-law tom okay uh when the reptilians decide to kill tom and replace him with a skinwalker they're gonna going to have to get two guys. Zaglar and Maglar. I don't know. He liked bread. Learn to work

together. Where's that buddy? Zaglar and Maglar. 2,500 on Patreon, guys. Alright, Tom, I got just some advice for you. Check out Watchtower Magazine for a great article on what to do about the atheist penis inside your daughter right now. And now. And now.

And now. And it's quite a penis, too, as we've already discussed. Okay. Next up, we've got the folks over at Reason Nugget Facebook page who are so rational they'll ask me to cite sources for this compliment. And they'd like you to insult their co-contributor, Keegan. Excellent. All right. Keegan looks like Ken Ham and Ronald McDonald adopted an orphan together.

Yeah, Keegan, you look like Wolverine found out the hard way that his healing factor doesn't work on AIDS. Give me a popsicle. All right. Next up is Matt, whose dick pics amount to approximately as much national bandwidth as Netflix. And he'd like us to insult Ben Affleck. Oh, you mean more than Zack Snyder already has? Yes. And as a bonus, I'd like you to insult him

in your best Batman voice. Okay, I'm going to go Christian Bale. Alright. Okay, you look like one of those hamster dolls that sings kung fu fighting in the Batsuit. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I don't know if that was a joke or just your honest assessment. All right. What about Michael Keaton was Biet Man way better than you? Yeah. Also, you look like Jim Carrey trying to escape from Ed Byrne's face. Well done, sirs. Already more interesting than the movie in theaters okay so next up is paul who's rugged good looks moist and vagina so fast he's considered a tsunami hazard and he'd like us to insult prime minister shinzo abe oh okay uh shinzo abe looks like jackie chan after an acid attack. Ouch. Damn. He looks like

David Schwimmer's lesbian turtle. He looks like someone's first try at making a wax dummy of the guy from Iron Chef. All right, next up we have the folks over

at the Inciting Incident podcast whose neurochemical receptors need air traffic control towers and they would like us to insult economist steve moore uh steve moore always looks like he just realized it was more than a fart he looks he looks like the type of person i'd meet if i took a nice wide stance in the stall at an airport men's room i feel like he's the type of guy on the other side of that that wall

next up is steven whose condoms provide aerial coverage in their spare time. And he wants us to insult his designer friend, Dan Blake. But since Dan's appearance would make that too damn easy, I went to his website. It's right here. I got a link right there. And I'd like you guys to think of some slogans for his design business instead. Okay, I'll go first. Dan Blake Design, did you do your website yourself?

What about Dan Blake Design, does your Nintendo music cover band need a website? Or maybe a guitar player? I know like half the chords. Dan Blake Design, hire me before they find the child porn. Oh, damn!

Subway might have a copyright on that, but whatever. What about Dan Blake Design? My real passion is brewing mead for my friends in Middle Earth. I'm also an Uber driver. In my spare time. One star. All of that at no extra charge. Next up is Rachel, who has more IQ points than blood cells,

and she'd like us to insult Tennessee representative James Micah Van House. Here's a picture if you've forgotten. Wow, okay. He looks like a security guard at a segregated country club. Doesn't he? He looks like he uses the phrase, you people aren't welcome on this golf course on a regular basis to me. James looks like he can't come unless someone

calls themselves mommy and like not in a good way like we don't mean to judge all those people at once yeah all right so the next one up is a bit odd it's from travis whose cock was named an honorary deep sea probe and when he proudly served his country he was stationed on the uss ronald reagan so as revenge for making him serve on a ship named after such a shitty human being, he'd like us to insult the ship itself. So I ask you this. What would you christen the USS Ronald Reagan with instead of champagne? The cum of Tennessee rep James Micah Van House. I was thinking maybe whatever Nancy Reagan and Jenny McCarthy could fit in a cup.

So mostly mung, I guess. Don't Google mung. Next up is Gwen, who's hot enough to set off solar flare warnings, and she'd like us to insult New Mexico Governor Susana Martinez. All right, excellent. Susana Martinez is to pizza what excellent. Susana Martinez is to pizza what David Hasselhoff is to cheeseburgers. You look like you yell at other people's children. You look like a propaganda poster

at a men's rights conference. You see? You see? You see? This is what I was talking about. I get it, guys. Your voice sounds like a deaf girl making fun of someone behind their back. It's uncanny. Next up, we've got Thomas, whose IQ is measured in gigabytes, and he wants us to insult his

ex who used him for money. Bend there, bro. Bend there. Thomas's ex looks like she loaned her skin to a fat friend and just hasn't had the heart to get it taken back in. It's fine. It's great. I like it.

It's for a winner. All right. Thomas's ex. Putting a penis inside of you feels like paddling a canoe with a toothpick. And also somehow sandy. I'm going to have, like, pearls in there by now. Well, that's because Thomas has such an enormous penis. Next up, we've got Joel, whose IQ is so high, hippies smoke his test results.

And he'd like us to insult none other than Dennis Cruz, author of the infamous Indiana Riffra Bill. All right. Dennis Cruz looks like a dentist that blows me while I'm asleep on his chair. And I didn't ask. Do you have his number? Dennis Cruz looks like Dick Cheney's impatient gay lover. Come back to bed, Dick. I said your name. come back to bed dick yeah i said your name all right all right so this next one is a challenge this is for ryan

whose cock is so legendary that local roosters have a habit of saying ryan a doodle do and he gives us the choice of insulting him or rick snyder so my challenge to you is this tell me something that ryan and rick snyder have in common that's an insult to rick but a compliment to ryan that's that's tricky um okay ryan and rick snyder both seem comfortable with the extent to which they each look like jerry sandusky in his prime okay think about it ryan not and ryan and rick snyder both make it really hard for the women Ryan and Rick Snyder both make it really hard for the women of Flint to concentrate

because he's so handsome and then he made a bunch of them tart that's the other the other part alright next up we have Teresa who mirror mirror on the wall has to repeatedly apologize for overlooking. And she couldn't get enough of us insulting Tom and Cecil. But since we wore out their physical appearances almost as much as they have last week, I want to take a different angle. So Tom and Cecil prefer the lasagna bread known as deep dish Chicago style pizza to New York actual real place where they invented pizza pizza.

So if this is true... Sorry, sorry, I was just doing it. If this is true, what else must be true? Tom prefers a hand job to a blow job. He does. Tom uses three shells instead of toilet paper. Cecil is of the opinion that when you think about it, Creed rocks a lot harder than the stones.

Cecil's also pretty sure that strippers really like him as a person. Me and Zap have a real connection. Tom and Cecil think that the prequels were the underrated gems of the star wars thus far i'm just fighting words tom and cecil believe each other when they say it's a good size all right next up we got our buddy manny whose dick is so long he can't help but have dual citizenship and he gave to the charity not once not twice but thrice and then gave us the option All right. Next up, we got our buddy Manny, whose dick is so long he can't help but have dual citizenship. And he gave to the charity not once, not twice, but thrice, and then gave us the option to insult whoever we want. So to make sure that Tom and Cecil don't feel like we were singling them out, I want to put 30 seconds on the clock, an additional one, and declare an all-out flame war with every podcast we can think of.

Go. Paul Sating's show sounds like a recorded suicide note wow i'm a good person okay i'm a good person people like me i wasn't thinking we'd go that far like that too damn Damn, dude. It was so dark. All right. Tom and Cecil, your show sounds like it was taped

in front of a live studio audience filled entirely with yourselves laughing at yourselves. Like even worse than our shows sound like that. Right. Yeah, we got three guys. Yeah, I'm glad Tom and Cecil don't feel singled out now. Hey, skeptics guide to the universe.

More like skeptics guide to a trivial percentage of the Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy, you solar centrist bigots. See, that's what I had in mind, dude. I mean, I didn't. This is Breeze and Rally all over again. Astronomy puns, suicide safety. They should use Demanda Wright rights voice to torture prisoners i i was five episodes into how did this get made before i realized the title wasn't referring to the podcast hey oh zing hey uh cereal adnan's obviously guilty and nobody gives a fuck about your second season.

A murderer and a deserter. Why can't you get any more ratings? Do OJ next year. Hey, Dan Carlin, just start recording whatever's happening now. By the time you get around to releasing another episode, that'll be historical. And then I delayed the show again. Thomas from Atheistically Speaking looks like he should be sending death threats to Anita Sarkeesian just all the time. We don't know that he's not.

Hey, welcome to Night Vale. The fuck are you guys talking about? Like, seriously. Who gave gay guys a microphone? God damn, dude. Hey, Cash. Atheists off air is fascinating Keep fighting the good fight buddy

Also you look like the union rep for the Texas lollipop guild Hey Brian Dunning, your rap was even whiter than the collar of that prison that you were in David Smalley isn't sighing He's just out of breath from pushing blood through his entire body. It's four and a half feet of solid muscle there, guys. Solid muscle. Okay, finally tonight, a wrap-up of the first ever Vulgarity for Charity. We've got Morgan, who's so sexy, bathtubs take selfies when she's in them,

and she'd like us to insult her better half, Brandon, who an injured firefighter all right so here's the story brandon was off duty when he stopped to help uh at a head on collision on the highway uh and then was hit by a vehicle well on foot all right so this is obviously a genuinely great guy and the epitome of how moral atheists really are so to wrap up things after three weeks of phenomenal examples of humanism in action brandon my insult for you is that you ought to be ashamed to have balls that big when there are so many starving for balls in Congress. Yeah, Brandon makes bald eagles and American flags look like Fidel Castro by comparison. Can he make candy? Can Brandon give you candy?

And he does it without any source of absolute morality whatsoever. How does he do it? Which makes him one of the best guessers in the world. He just guesses what would be the right thing to do and pretty much always right about it. But in all seriousness, unlike just about everybody else, Brandon does that thing.

Yeah. And then God hits him with a fucking car. For being an atheist. And finally, Brandon, you exemplify the most humanist of humans. You're generous enough to make the Gates Foundation look like Scrooge McDuck. And for you and the ones you love to give to those in need provides the last brick in a three week fortress of evidence that the folks who listen to our show are some of the most attractive, ambitious and downright empathic in the world.

And we'll proudly provide you with puppy rape jokes for as long as you'll have us. Hope your dick still works. Yeah, that too. Penis. Before we save and quit tonight, I wanted to give a quick shout-out to a friend of the show, Adam Reeks of the Herd Mentality Podcast,

who recently put together one of the most impactful podcast episodes I have ever heard. I don't want to offer any details because I feel like anything that I say would be a spoiler. But if you want to be reminded why you're a humanist and why that matters, check out episode 98 of the Herd Mentality, which I'll have linked on the show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022

minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 8 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, and of course, an even newer episode of God Awful Movies debuting 24 hours after that. And if you just can't get enough, me, be on the lookout for a new episode of Secular Stories featuring yours truly talking about Star Wars and other less important shit like who's going to be president. We'll have a link on all our social media as soon as that's available. Obviously, I can't cue the music before I thank the brains of the operation Heath Enright and the heart of the operation Lucinda Lusions.

And in case you're curious, I'm the left lung and Eli is the gallbladder. I also want to thank Bobby C and Miss Addie for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you haven't checked out their show yet, you have nobody to blame for that but yourself. If you want to rectify that oversight, you'll find a link to their podcast on the show notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most spectacular secularists, Marlo Darin, Ben Ross Clement, Tom's Big Dick, Jeff, Chris G., Christopher G., Randy, Bridget, Wilco, Dean, Mark, Sheikh, Duaba, and Steiner. Marlo, Darren, Ben, Ross, and Clement, whose ejaculations give new meaning to the concept of panspermia.

Tom's Big Dick, Jeff, Chris G., Christopher G., and Randy, whose doctors told him that by the third call, the more than four hours things kind of comes off as braggy. Bridget, Wilco, Dean, Mark, and Sheikh, Duaba, who turn heads quicker than that demon from The Exorcist. And Steiner, whose dick is thoroughly unimpressive and was so sick of people being disingenuously nice to him that he asked me to insult him instead. Together, these 16 people, Facebook, alter egos, synonyms, and penises have helped to keep the communists at bay for another week by giving us money. If you love America and or your nation of birth slash residence, you too can give us money by making a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode. Or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathing atheist.com. And if

you'd like to help, but you're not going to, that's okay, too, I guess. If you have questions, comments or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathing atheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly. And yes, I did have my permission. I'm sorry, but with Betamax jokes, you have one go at that, goddammit. If I don't know that's coming, you've got one go at the Betamax jokes you have one go at that god damn it if I don't know that's coming you've got one go at the Betamax joke that I can hold out through

alright yeah I'm sorry you guys mind if I just try that last bit one more time no you got it one take I fucked that up so bad so let me try that one more time