The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist208: Johnson Shrinkage Edition

Episode Date: February 9, 2017

In this week’s episode, the trump administration declares that all lies matter, the alt-right runs out of stuff to buy now that every consumer product is Muslim and gay, and Andrew Torrez from Opening Arguments will be here to teach me all about my Johnson. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: To check out the Opening Arguments Podcast, click here: http://openargs.com/ To check out the Science Enthusiast Podcast, click here: http://scienceenthusiastpodcast.com/ Headlines: Johnson Amendment: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/02/republicans-have-filed-a-bill-that-would-allow-pastors-to-endorse-political-candidates-in-church/ http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/02/donald-trump-at-national-prayer-breakfast-i-will-totally-destroy-the-johnson-amendment/ and https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/02/us/politics/trump-johnson-amendment-political-activity-churches.html?_r=0 Jerry Falwell will lead task force on higher ed policy http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/01/at-donald-trumps-request-jerry-falwell-jr-will-lead-a-federal-task-force-on-higher-ed-policy/ Donald wants to legalize LGBT discrimination: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/02/leaked-executive-order-shows-donald-trump-wants-to-legalize-anti-lgbt-discrimination/ Todd Starnes wants churches to pull out of Boy Scouts over trans acceptance: http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2017/01/31/its-time-for-churches-to-sever-ties-with-boy-scouts.html 0% of Germans think Christianity is part of their national identity http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/03/literally-0-of-young-germans-think-christianity-is-an-important-part-of-their-national-identity/ Hate speech law may put christian preacher in jail: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/02/in-south-africa-a-proposed-law-to-ban-hate-speech-may-end-up-putting-christian-preachers-in-jail/ Australian Royal Commission: 7% of Catholic priests accused of child sex abuse: https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2017/feb/06/4444-victims-extent-of-abuse-in-catholic-church-in-australia-revealed Boycott Budweiser: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/early-lead/wp/2017/02/04/a-boycott-budweiser-movement-begins-over-super-bowl-immigration-ad/ http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/trump-supporters-boycott-budweiser-over-immigration-super-bowl-ad-w465061 This Week in Misogyny: New Arkansas abortion law lets rapists sue their victims http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/arkansas-abortion-law-that-will-let-rapists-sue-victims-husbands-second-trimester-a7561066.html North Dakota lawmaker justifies Sunday “blue laws”: Women need Sunday morning to make their husbands breakfast in bed. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/lawmaker-wants-women-to-spend-sundays-making-husbands-breakfast-in-bedus5898816ce4b040613137c57c

Warning, at this rate, we're eventually going to have an episode that's nothing but a string of profanity. And I can't promise it isn't this week. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Bloom That, Loot Crate, and Blue Apron. And by our new Donald Trump nickname contest. This week's winner was listener Heath E., who had Chester Molester Copper Potus. Send us your favorites on Twitter and you could be our next winner. And now, the Scathing Atheist. This is Travis.

And this is Yumi. We're in our secret lair in Afghanistan. And after years of working out here, we can say... Without a doubt... That we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. And women. Glory hole. Wrong show.

I don't care. It's Thursday. It's February 9th. And schools will now be bear free. They will, yeah. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. New York, New York.

Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, the Trump administration declares that all lies matter. The alt-right runs out of stuff to buy now that every consumer product is Muslim and gay. And Andrew Torres from Opening Arguments will be here to teach me all about my Johnson. But first, the diatribe. The first apocalypse I remember surviving was in 1988. I'm sure there were a couple before that, but that's the first one I actually knew about going into it. So my best friend growing up had some weird pot smoking post hippie religious nut parents, and they were relatively convinced that the world was going to end in 1988.

You're not convinced enough to quit their jobs and spend their life savings, but convinced enough to try to scare some 12-year-old kid over it. Now, if you're one of those whippersnappers that gets all of Eli's pop culture references, you might not know about this one, but it was a really big deal at the time. It came from Hal Lindsey's book, The Late Great Planet Earth, and it is hard to overstate how big this book was. It came out in 1970, sold over 25 million copies. They made a documentary about it, and Orson Welles narrated the motherfucker. In fact, it was the second best-selling English-language book of the decade behind only the Bible itself. So in this book, Lindsay does some deep-dive cherry-picking bullshit with the New Testament and lands on 1988 as the starting gun for the end times. He reads the bit in Matthew where Jesus talks about learning a lesson from the fig tree. The disciples ask him when the end times are coming

and he says, you see this tree over here? When it sprouts, summer is near and then you got one generation at most. And since fig trees are kind of like the nation of Israel and since reading this passage even remotely literally proves Jesus was full of shit, Lindsay reasoned that what Jesus

meant was that one generation after Israel reemerged as a nation, the apocalypse would begin. And a generation, as we all apparently know, is 40 years. Israel reemerged as a nation in 1948, therefore seals and trumpets and bowls of wrath in 1988. And with steel-reinforced logic like that, you can hardly blame the entire 70s for buying into this bullshit right so a disturbing number of people apparently forgot about the relentless

line of suspected antichrist candidates stretching back to paul's shifty neighbor lady and geared up for the 1970s season of jerusalem idol and i'm sure there were plenty of antichrist candidates at the time but my friend's parents felt like they'd narrow it down to two either it was the president whose first middle and last names donald wilson and reagan just so happened to each have six letters or it was henry kissinger because he was a jew now now try to put yourself in my shoes here right 12 years old no real knowledge of religion two stone adults are trying to explain a convoluted biblical theory that they probably don't quite get themselves confidently predicting the end of the world

and not particularly upset about it I had no fucking idea how to take this and I still don't in fact I still feel the same way I wasn't scared because nothing they were saying made any sense and they didn't seem too worried. And I was pretty sure that if the world was coming to end, my parents would have given me a heads up or something. So from my earliest awareness right up to the present moment, apocalypticism seemed pretty fucking stupid. Of course, as you've probably noticed, the world didn't end in 1988.

And it didn't end again in 1991 when the golf war was supposed to trigger armageddon or in 1994 when harold camping said it would or in 1995 when harold camping said it would or in 2000 with jerry falwell edgar casey sun myung moon ed dobson jonathan edwards and isaac newton said it would or in 2007 when pat Pat Robertson said it would. Or in 2011 when Harold Camping said it would again. Or in 2011 but a little later when Harold Camping also said it would. And I'm sure we have plenty of apocalypses yet to survive because despite its 100% failure rate, predicting the Christian apocalypse is still good money. Now, think for a second about the methodology behind these

things, because they're all doing the same shit, right? They're all a case of digging through Revelation with a fine tooth comb, trying to sort out the symbolism of all the weird prophecies. And if you've ever read the book, that's going to strike you as odd since there's an angel standing next to John the whole time telling him what all this shit represents. The book is self-interpreting. What's more, there's no real mystery to what it's talking about, and it isn't a future apocalypse. It's a present day one, back in like the year 90. See, apocalyptic books were a whole genre back then. There's only one in the Bible, but we have others in the ancient sources, and we have references to a lot more

that no longer exist. It was a genre back then in the same way that gospels and histories were the same way science fiction and dark comedy are now, right? If you know the genre, it's patently obvious what the book is trying to say. All the crazy, mysterious shit becomes a series of familiar tropes. But if you don't know the genre, you could get trapped in pointless questions for 1900 years and counting, apparently. I mean, try to imagine it like this, right? Think about like you're studying a limerick that's translated from English into your way in the future language, but you don't know what a limerick was and you don't have the original English to look at, right? You could spend years obsessing over why the author felt the need to specify the man's origins. You could write a whole treatises on the reason they chose to use the word grin instead of smile. You could write whole treatises on the reason they chose to use the word grin instead of smile. But until you learned what the fuck a limerick was, you probably never land on the fact that smile just doesn't rhyme with chin.

And looking at the book of Revelation without understanding what an apocalyptic book is, is at least as stupid as this. As soon as you know what the rules of the genre are, it's patently obvious what's going on, what the author is seeking to do, and what the various characters are meant to represent. obvious what's going on, what the author is seeking to do, and what the various characters are meant to represent. Every reputable scholar I can find seems to agree that he was identifying Rome as the whore of Babylon and Nero as the Antichrist. So the whole point of the book was, don't worry, guys, we're living in the end time, so Jesus will be here any second, which means, when you think about it, Revelation is itself a failed apocalypse prediction. They're using a failed apocalypse prediction to predict the apocalypse. I mean, if you think about it, the entire Christian religion is just one big failed apocalypse prediction.

Right. When Paul heard that Jesus had risen from the dead, he's like, oh, folks rising from the dead. That means the apocalypse is starting. And from what we have of his writings, that's obviously what he thought was going on. obviously what he thought was going on. The line that Lindsay butchered to predict the 1988 apocalypse is actually a line where Jesus assures the people standing around him that the apocalypse is going to come during their generation. So the people cribbing conspiracy theories from revelations are actually making failed apocalypse predictions to the third power. Consider the stupidity of this. Look, I know this stuff, stuff right if i know a thing about religion it's

not a hard thing to know it doesn't take decades of studious scholarship to miss the point of revelation you have to actively misinform yourself and actively avoid correction and pondering the mysteries of revelation would be like spending a lifetime trying to figure out who really did frame roger rabbit just watch the fucking movie they tell you at the end you know of course we've been through this plenty and we're pretty chill about it at this point people generally don't burn all their possessions over it or anything anymore so the good news is that we've gotten really good at the world not ending but the bad news and we can never take our eyes off of it for a moment is that we're sharing the world with a lot of people who seem disappointed by that fact. Joining me for headlines tonight are two fellas guaranteed to be called fake news by the president, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to honor the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre? All lies matter. Exactly. It's the American way. American way. All right. Well, obviously, there's a lot of news to fake. But before we can get to that, a quick word from this week's first sponsor, BloomThat.com.

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We're going to get some people laid this week. You're damn right we're going to get some people laid this week. You're damn right we're going to get some people laid this week. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, in a transparent effort to reinforce his movie bad guy motif, President Trump threatened to cut off our Johnson last week at the National Prayer Breakfast. In an address that can best be described stylistically as stream of semi-consciousness, Schmeckle Orange reminisced about firing his agent once, shit-talked Arnold Schwarzenegger's TV ratings.

And asked people to pray for him. That really happened too. Then he mourned for the loss of a Navy SEAL like Gary King describing his mom's funeral, presented American religious history in the style of a third-grade book report, and then promised to repeal the law that doesn't allow tax exempt churches to directly endorse candidates. I guess there are worse laws he could have promised to repeal for that crowd. I mean, if she's asking for it, she's asking for it.

Let's bow our heads in prayer. Mr. President, Mr. President, you could call it the one out, two in policy. That's amazing. I told you this praying stuff works fantastic every day. Of course, in a typically overzealous and under-equipped effort to add emphasis, he promised not only to get rid of the provision, but also to, quote, completely destroy it, end quote. So not just repeal here, but full-blown damnatio memoria we're gonna have a lbj's face

chipped out of bass reliefs and shit so within hours of the announcement republicans in both houses of congress introduced bills that sought repeal of the amendment even though there was already one introduced in the house yeah it's like it's like the legislative equivalent of hitting the elevator button again because it's taken too long, I guess. It's like when every asshole on the plane has to get up and stand in the aisle the fucking moment the airplane lands.

Idiots. And all y'all, I want to get off too now. Yeah, you do. Everybody wants to get off. Like a dog waiting for you to unlock the fucking door. Or you can stay seated the entire time like Heath. Just Heath and four old ladies who are waiting for their wheelchairs so what does all this johnson amendment repeal mean well for more on that we're joined by andrew torres of the opening arguments podcast andrew welcome back to the scathing atheists yay Andrew! Andrew! Well, thank you very much for having me.

Do Heath and I get to be part of interviews now? Yeah. No. What? Well, sort of. Why not? Well, Heath, but I mean, you do a doodle of a dragon on your notes, and then your first question for Andrew is,

do you want to share a boy at ReasonCon? Does he want to share a boy at ReasonCon? Does he want to share a boy at ReasonCon? You're a boy. Question stands. Rawr! Dragon. Yeah, you see? Exactly.

Now, Andrew, given the present political climate, there are at least 900 things I'd love to ask you about. But I'm going to keep my focus narrow here. Tell us, what is the Johnson Amendment? Okay, well, it is named after former Senator and then President Lyndon Johnson. And what it did was amended the IRS code. And specifically, like when you hear the provision that it affects is 501c3 entities. And that number comes from the specific subsection in 26 U.S.C. so it amended 26 U.S.C. 501c3, and the specific implication was to say that any entity that is tax-exempt under that provision,

501c3, may not, and here's the specific language, participate in or intervene in, including the publishing or distribution of statements, any political campaign on or behalf of or in opposition to any candidate for public office. And the idea was, since 501c3 entities are tax exempt, and since in fact you gain a charitable contribution for contributing to them, if you weren't going to pay taxes, you've got to play by the rules and not try and influence the political system. Okay. And when was this provision passed?

Yeah, 1954. Okay. So it's not like, you know, the country never managed without it. Well, I mean, you know, when you think about, I mean, the IRS code itself was only in about 40 years old at that point. So, you know, it was not a particularly controversial provision at the time. And a large part of that was because the Protestant majority in this country was strongly in favor of separation of church and state at one time. I know that seems kind of ridiculous now.

at one time. I know that seems kind of ridiculous now. But there was a fear that Catholic immigrants would achieve numerical majorities in certain areas. And so that sense of, well, we can't let the Catholics get over 50% and start, you know, bringing that like crazy paper stuff and, you know, submit our government to the government of Rome. So we're willing to say nobody gets to, no religious institutions get to participate in the political process because we're that terrified of Catholics. Sorry to interrupt you. Is that why he killed Kennedy?

Yes, exactly. Okay. You're not careful. You end up as Boston. Smart thinking. So why didn't they just ban all the Catholics? It seems like there was an easy solution. Okay this comes up a lot on her shirt i just have to say i right i've been practicing law for 21 years now and why didn't they just ban all the catlets the first time

anyone's ever asked me that question but please please go ahead that comes up a lot in our conversation that's the first time someone's ever asked you that publicly. But I appreciate you acting like it's never come up before with the attorney-client privilege and everything. Okay, so, no, but I get that. I mean, when you look at American history, there was kind of this agreement for a long time that this was a good thing. So what changed? You know, obviously Republicans are dead set against this amendment now. What changed and when did it change? The big thing that changed were the Supreme Court decisions in the 1960s with the Warren Court that the most obvious were the decisions on school

prayer, right? That was kind of a rallying cry, but also the decisions on school desegregation and busing. And in the wake of those decisions, evangelicals organized as a political movement in the 1970s and then slowly began their takeover of the Republican Party that has reached, I hope, its conclusion now. I mean, I don't know how much more there is to acquire. But no, I mean like Jimmy Carter, the Democratic president in 1976, won a substantial chunk of the evangelical vote. I don't have the numbers in front of me. But it was really not until 1980 that the moral majority and those forces really lined up behind the Republican Party. So it's less – it's more, Noah, by your and my standards, it's more recent than people would think.

Yeah, yeah, just before Ally McBeal. Right. You guys were in your early 40s at that point, right? You've got to listen to opening arguments. You've got to listen to the game. You've got to listen to all the shows to get all the jokes. Okay, but now this- And be old.

It's a shared cinematic universe, I like to think of it that way. Exactly. So, okay, Okay, but now this... And be old. It's a shared cinematic universe, I like to think of it that way. So, okay, but now this provision doesn't just affect churches, right? 501c3, that's charitable organizations and several other entities, correct? Yeah. There are lots of independent,

non-religious public interest organizations that are operated, and the provision in the law is for religious, charitable, scientific, public safety, literary, or educational purposes. So it's the broadest provision in the tax code for a charity to seek exemption. And so, you know, this amendment was, the political crisis that precipitated it was religious, but the principle was applied not just to religious institutions but to everybody. And again, the theory was you're a 501c3. You're tax-exempt.

People get a tax deduction for donating to your organization. So stay the hell out of politics, why don't you? All right, but in a sense though, isn't it – aren't we in a situation where really only one side is playing by the rules? Because, you know, we've talked a number of times on the show before about the Pulpit Freedom Sunday sponsored by the Alliance Defending Freedom, where they encourage churches to openly break this law, you know, and then send video of themselves doing it to the IRS and say, do something, bitch. So, you know, in a sense, when I first saw this, I said, well, I mean, this is just a law that's not being enforced. What's the real danger in it being repealed? So here's what I think of as the real danger. And I don't know, right, if let me answer the implication of your question first and then answer your question, right? I don't know from a political standpoint whether this will wind up being a unilateral benefit to Republicans or a mixed benefit to Republicans and some Democrats.

And I don't care and neither should anybody else, right? Like the – what this will do is erase the line between 501c3 and 501c4 organizations. And let me tell you why that's important. Because every church is a 501c3. No church is complying with the Johnson Amendment provisions of 501c3. And I guess I shouldn't say no church, like there are, I'm sure there are, but no church that wants to endorse candidates gives a second thought about the Johnson Amendment. And liberal inner city, largely African-American churches are just as guilty as megachurches. I have not done the research to determine which has more impact. I have my suspicions, but I don't really care, right?

Like they're all flaunting the law and it's bad. But what the law is doing right now is restraining parachurch and evangelical political organizations like Focus on the Family, for example, that are 501c3 either religious or charitable organizations. They are hard right-leaning. They are active in politics. We all know who James Dobson is going to endorse. But nevertheless, like Focus on the Family maintains a separate Focus on the Family action as a 501c4, right? Like they keep that separation. And if you think that separation is valuable, then you should oppose this. And, you know, the kind of kicker in terms of, you know, a law that's on the books that's

unenforced is better than trying to pass a new law from scratch, right? So, you know, one of the things that is particularly dangerous about churches is that they're the only 501c3 organization that doesn't have to comply with the rigorous reporting requirements of 501c3 funny how that is right well you know that was my other question right because they have reporting requirements similar to fight club does this just mean that we've created like a super super pack that's like darker dark money yes that's exactly right right A church has almost no oversight, and in versa, is that the way that the First Amendment's Establishment Clause has been interpreted throughout the past 55 years of American history is that excessive entanglement between government and religion is held to be an

Establishment Clause violation. And you can see the reason for that, right? Like you would not want, you know, somebody to pass a law that says the government is going to vet Catholic bishops or something. That would be crazy, right? But it only works if you hold up the other end of the bargain, right? Like if churches are free to get tax money, get tax benefits, and lobby for political causes with zero oversight, for political causes with zero oversight, and then any efforts to rein that in are going to be unconstitutional under the Lemon test. I mean, it's just a potential looming disaster. And there's no way, if this goes through, if that's repealed, the idea that you would have the political will in at least the next generation to reinstate that for, you know, when there's the next

Democratic president in office is just, I mean, that strikes me as incredibly unlikely. Wow. Okay. So you didn't talk me back from the ledge at all. I consider putting both hands on your back and pushing firmly. All right. So realistically, do you think there's a real threat of repeal here? Yeah, I do. I wish, I mean, I'm searching for the like nuanced, you know, hot take

answer, but almost I mean, the religious right is the interest group in the Republican Party. They control virtually all of the votes. And to the extent that there's any potential drop-off, you know, you have the, you know, sort of defection from Democrats who are afraid of being on the wrong side of religion. So, yeah, I think it's going to have no problems. I would say add that to, you know, item number 8374, why you should engage in a vigorous argument with any of the, you know, Bernie bros and disaffected liberals who are like, well, Hillary is just as bad.

You know, well, you know, congratulations. This is a one-way exit that, you know, I don't see coming back in a generation at minimum. Wow. Sorry. Brightside, if it gets repealed, can me and Heath start a church of Elizabeth Warren in 2020? Sure. I think I'm going to be in the front pew.

Good things happen jurisprudence-wise when we have people with the last name of warren in my experience and do you want to share a boy at reason con i thought you said i thought you said room his name is rune you saw the movie all right well

andrew i can't thank you enough for helping us sort all of this out. What if I spill hot coffee on him first? I said not again. Question still stands. I still want to know too. If you'd like to hear more from Andrew, including possibly that as a listener question, you can check him out on the Opening Arguments podcast with Thomas Smith, which you'll find linked in the show notes for this episode. And obviously, there's still a ton of news to talk about so we'll be back to

the headlines after this hi i'm ray camphor and i'm here to talk you out of your filthy atheism with one question are you up to the challenge uh yeah ray we've we've seen this bit you do it in all your movies yeah well you've never seen this if's no God, who would you say created this fantastic box of delicious ingredients? That's the people at Blue Apron, the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. Nope. Okay, well, I guess they probably outsourced the boxes, but the stuff in the box. Yeah, they did. Manna from heaven.

What? Manna from heaven, like God did in the Bible. No, no, Ray. It's a company. They deliver it in trucks. It's Blue Apron. They're on a mission to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone. That'd be silly.

How could they have sustainably sourced all this seafood while providing beef, chicken, and pork that come from responsibly raised animal? I'll tell you here. Divine intervention. Uh, no, no. Actually, Blue Apron has established partnerships with over 150 local farms, fisheries, and ranchers across the United States. Okay, but you can get this delivered to 99% of the continental U.S.,

and that sounds an awful lot like omnipresence to me. Well, that's not all. You can also choose from a variety of new recipes each week or let Blue Apron's culinary team surprise you. Recipes are not repeated within a year, so you'll never get bored. Each meal comes with a step-by-step, easy-to-follow recipe card and pre-proportioned ingredients that can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. See? Miracle!

No. No, Ray. It's Blue Apron. But can you prove it? Well, we can. In fact, we can. In fact, you can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash scathing. You'll love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron.

So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash scathing. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. All right, but where does Spider-Man get his powers if there's no God, huh? That's a video. Check me. Right in your face. Thank you, Ray.

And in fall, well, now you've gone and done it news tonight. In an ever-increasing effort to form a dream team known only as the White Power Rangers, this week, Donald Trump has tapped none other than Jerry Falwell Jr. to lead his task force on higher ed policy. Trump's entire presidency thus far is an effort to make someone else in this country less qualified for their job than he is. As listeners might be aware, Falwell is the current president of Liberty University, in a supreme example of none of those words matching their meanings. He also looks like the dad from Modern Family stuck his head out of a moving TARDIS. He looks like the dad from Bronze Age Family. He looks like he owns a hair salon for IRA bombers. Not just a

client. Yeah. According to an article in The Chronicle, the scope, size and mission of the task force have yet to be announced. But according to Falwell himself, the task force is in response to, quote, overreaching regulation and micromanagement by the department in areas like accreditation and policies that affect college student recruiting behavior like the new borrower defense to repayment regulations or in layman's terms we're going to make it legal to be a fake college and defraud people out of their money with payday loan as policies again yeah yeah no or even worse we're gonna accredit fake colleges such that college degree itself will become a meaningless term take that millennials i guarantee you fall

well's plan for college loans has the word sharecropper somewhere in at least one of the drafts yeah and look you gotta admit if you're looking for two people to once again give fake universities the freedom to steal from people who are giving them fake education with dubious finances trump and jerry falwell jr are the dream team you want to fuck stupid people you can't do much better it's true and stupid people are the most fun to fuck however surprise them easily however this shakes out i think we can all agree with devos in lower education and fall well in higher education we're bringing god back into the schools i for one look forward to all those school shootings stopping. And the hurricanes. And the hurricanes, yeah. And in one discrimination under God news tonight,

Donald Trump is currently finalizing an executive order intended to make sure Christian people can't get in trouble for doing all the extremely illegal things that are called for in the Bible. Yep. You hear that, ladies? Your UFC interference via junk-grabbing days are over. Oh, shit. That one for sure. But most importantly, the right to live in a world without women's rights

and, of course, the right to dehumanize the LGBT community. Of course. And in fairness, both of those groups were getting extra human-y in recent years and uppity about it. So the current draft of the executive order is called Government-Wide Initiative to Respect Religious Freedom. And I would love to see the evolution of that title. I'm assuming it started as like, you're allowed to hate fags again. No, no. You're allowed to hate gay people again. Of course no. You're allowed to hate gay people again.

But yeah, of course, of course, they realized that would be problematic, obviously, because it doesn't really say anything about the women's rights they're taking away. So they broadened it out a little bit. Maybe they called it like, bring down the dick suckers, lesbians.

Damn, damn. Oh, for fuck's sake. So close. So basically what happened here is that Pence didn't do the homework. So he had to hand in like the sticky stack of fantasies he's been beaten off to since the late 80s. Right. I have done that.

I failed math a lot. But in the most entertaining possible way. Better for English. Yeah. So the general idea of the order is, well, it's just like it sounds. Apparently, Christians are being persecuted by all the new equal rights people are getting so trump wanted to make sure they're allowed to legally discriminate against whoever they please for whatever reason they please for example any religious person or organization could refuse to hire gay people trans people or

women who've had an abortion that's going to be in the new language. And as we learned from a different executive order last month, for every new regulation created, Trump intends to remove two. Oh, wait. No word yet on which two he plans to get rid of to make room in the fucking regulations closet for this double sized new one. They're all double sized, but it seems like the best move, in my opinion, would be getting rid of the

14th Amendment and the Civil Rights Act of 1964 because, you know, those are going to keep getting in his way going forward. Might as well just nip it in the bud. And in Spread Eagle Scouts news tonight, Todd Starnes thinks it's time for him to pull out of the Boy Scouts. Join the club.

That's only like 80% effective. Now. So, after a groundbreaking announcement last Monday that the Boy Scouts of America would begin accepting trans boys into their ranks, conservative columnist and crying-in-a-skin-mask Todd Starn penned an angry editorial calling on churches around the country to sever ties with the Scouts altogether. Leading priests all over the country to say, what, for Lent?

Yeah, like Hermes. Yeah, dubbing the move sexual anarchy, Stearns went on to quote the utterly qualificationless chairman of the homophobic Dimension Boy Scouts Trail Life USA, who said that the BSA's move will, quote, put boys in a state of confusion and does nothing to help with normal psychological development. But you know what does?

Trapping them in the woods to learn Bronze Age skills from a grown-up without a job. That was making that ladle today. Yeah, while dressing like a park ranger in a lavish Broadway musical and tying specialty knots. Yeah, wouldn't want to fuck with that perfect hetero training program they've got going right now now so proving once more that he really just doesn't

know how all the l's g's b's t's and q's line up stearns asks in his column quote will transgender children will be able to to sick share tents and bathrooms with heterosexual boys end quote what the fuck is he talking about? Like, all those signs you see at campsites, everyone is welcome to piss behind the tree that matches their gender identity. We can't let this happen. What? Yes.

So after spending an unhealthy additional amount of time obsessing over the genitals of children, he then challenges the Boy Scouts to stand firm in the face of what he calls militant gender revolutionaries, which means he is getting the erotic graphic novel fan fiction Eli keeps sending him, and that's good. He needs a release.

I drew the pictures in blood and other stuff. It's scratch and sniff is what I'm saying. That's also the name of our drug and catapult party at ReasonCon. DJ, Velcro wall, let's blow. Andrew has already advised me that we have to make it clear that's a joke. Scratch and sniff.

Be there or we square. And in giving religion das boot news tonight, in a continuing effort to make me pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming every four minutes this week, I find myself as a United States citizen once again jealous of the politics

and beliefs of the German people. I also have sex dreams about Angela Merkel. I want to brush her a little haircut, help her solve a mystery. She looks like someone melted Phyllis from the office.

Exactly. Yes. A mere 70 years after it was okay to punch them, according to a new Pew report, 0% of Germans between 18 and 34 feel like Christianity is core to their national identity. There you go. 0%.

I mean, look, that's great. Glad to see secularism spreading. But one does have to wonder if this is because of the secular nature of Germany or, slightly darker note, because of the way the question was asked, right? Because the question was, how important is Christianity to you?

It was, how important is being Christian to being truly German? So maybe they just mean that's not what they're known for. And that's true. They're not known for their Christianity. They're known for their schnitzel and oktoberfest. Nice of you to pretend. That was nice.

Shouldn't they really be known for being the location of Israel at this point? I mean, that whole desert plan did not work out. The Jews get Germany now. I think that's fair. By the way, somehow my racist spell check disagrees with that. It underlined Germany. I wrote the Jews get Germany now. Germany, spelled correctly, got underlined.

I don't know what's going on there. Here's the crazy thing. When you try to correct it, it was nowhere. Here's the crazy thing. When you try to correct it, it was nowhere. Here's the crazy thing. Try to correct it. It corrects it to gassed. Joke. Not my fault.

Look, I'm just laying out the bed work for an eventual live show in Berlin. German women fuck, but they do not like to be reminded their grandpa was a Nazi. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Well, I'm still dressing as Captain America though. That's already decided. Plus, I feel like, you know, some of them not like to be reminded their grandpa was a Nazi. Oh, there you go. Yeah, well, I'm still dressing as Captain America though. That's already decided. Plus, I feel like, you know, some of them are going to be into role-playing stuff with the Captain

America thing. You never know. Captain America. Either way. Yeah. Still, this is good news, and for the optimists in our audience, I just want to point out that I, too, am looking forward to when 0% of Americans think being Christian is important to being American. In 70 years.

Stuff in between, not so much. But in the 70 years. They'll have a great weight loss plan for you, though. That's true. I can see Eli now. This Zyklon B wasn't animal tested, was it? Was it? You can only see it because you keep drawing it and putting it all over the studio.

Throw that up there. And in pulpit freedom is slavery news tonight. Religious leaders in South Africa are starting to panic a little bit thanks to a proposed law that would ban a wide range of hate speech over there. And that's not generally a great sign for your group regardless of the details apparently the clergy community heard about the potential new rules and realized that a big chunk of their job description is giving a sunday morning hate speech and according to most dictionaries it is yeah and by most he means the english ones

do they have those in south africa vultures of horror would seem to be evidence that they don't is what i'm saying or that's not in south africa but yeah the same to you agree dictionaries now uh looks like the uh proposed law is at least somewhat of an overreach here allegedly the bill was drafted by president jacob zuma in hopes of silencing a cartoonist who keeps making fun of him and it would define the term hate speech way too broadly so as it turns out these religious leaders are probably on the right side of the issue this time. Much like Nazis who don't want to get punched in the face for talking are on the right side of the issue, technically. Open face compliment sandwich.

But now, to be fair, if you want a law that forbids making fun of Jacob Zuma, it's going to have to be pretty fucking broad. It looks like George Foreman figured out how to make meth with that grill. He looks like a Shrinky Dink of Ving Rhames. Oh my god, he does! Except, like, that didn't quite come out, but almost did.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like, your mom was like, I need to start dinner, and you were like, seriously? This is the ten minutes a day I asked to use the oven, and all of a sudden, you're in a hurry? Liz, really? We don't compromise. That's the problem in this family we're so drinky dink serious

as fuck so obviously there's a decent argument to be made for the good intentions behind anti-hate speech laws in South Africa I get that but you kind of still need to let the pastors and Nazis talk you really do it's sad but you do

apartheid Nazis and pastors are in the same group is what I'm saying you kind of still need to let the pastors and Nazis talk. You really do. It's sad, but you do. Apartheid Nazis and pastors are in the same group, is what I'm saying. I just want to say that one more time. They're in the same group here. Bottom line, it's always fun to watch people realize that the legal status of religious exercise and the legal status of hate speech kind of have to be the same.

And while we let that one sink in, we'll pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucid. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. A dangerous slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Masajid. You know what I love about Trump's America? Job security. Let's jump right the fuck in, shall we? First up this week come two lawmakers from North Dakota who are trying to defend North Dakota's archaic blue laws, laws that require some businesses to open later on Sundays and others to stay closed entirely. Bernie Satrum and Verning Lanning, who look like you can answer their riddle if you can tell left from right, want blue laws to stay in place so that their wives can stay home and serve them breakfast in bed.

Seriously, that was their argument. Speaking in defense of the law, Satram said that Sunday should be devoted to, and I quote, spending time with your wife, your husband, making him breakfast, bringing it to him in bed, and then after that, go take your kids for a walk, end quote. I'm not even gonna lie, the taking the kids for the walk thing is the part that really weirds me out the most. Your kids aren't fucking dogs, asshole. Everybody likes breakfast in bed, but that's some march the kids around the block while I visit the teenager I bought from Larry King bullshit right there. But like I said, Satram wasn't along. Lest his buddy be the only one in the corner wearing a Lucinda May dunce cap,

Lanning jumped right in, adding, quote, I don't know about you, but my wife has no problem spending everything I earn in six and a half days, and I don't think it hurts at all to have a half day off. I guess we're just lucky this wasn't the lead-in to his women be shopping bit. Obviously, this dismissive passive sexism caused quite a bit of outrage, and we can expect the usual half-assed apology puffery with no real consequences shortly. But hey, we've got listeners in North Dakota. So hey, listeners in North Dakota, don't vote these assholes in when they come back up, okay? Yeah, nailed it. And from the absurd to the horrific, I'll leave you tonight with the U.S.

capital of anti-woman garbage, Arkansas, which passed Act 45 this week. That would be the Unborn Child Protection from Dismemberment Abortion Act, a law so stupid they put their ignorance of how abortion works and what it is in the fucking title. A truly magical case of stupidity. The law not only prohibits all dilations and evacuation procedures, the safest ways to have an abortion, but also allows the baby's father

to stop her from getting an abortion, even if he's her rapist. I'm not shitting you. They even made an exception that if you rape a baby into someone and they try to abort it, you can stop them, but you can't send them to jail. They wrote that into law. And it passed this year. Seriously. And what's worse, who the fuck knows how this shit will play out in the courts if Gorsuch is confirmed. Now, while we all try to figure out a way to smuggle accurate drawings of uteruses into Arkansas, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And thanks back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in bitter pell to swallow news tonight, thanks to new data from Australia's Royal Commission on Priests' Fucking Kids, we came a little closer to putting a real number on the extent of the Catholic Church pedophilia scandal. And that number is fucking horrific. Something like one kid fucking priest out of every 14 priests. Yeah, just want to put this in perspective real quick. If a kid in Australia went to a new priest each day for two weeks, that kid probably met a rapist.

Yeah. It's safer to go to a crack house for two weeks. Some crackhead probably brings the kid to a police station. Oh, it's a good thing I found this kid. Could end up in a church. Well, statistically speaking, yes. That's right. A whopping 7% of Catholic priests employed by the church in Australia in the six decades following 1950 have been accused of child sexual abuse.

In some individual churches and schools, by the way, that number was as high as 40%. Again, this is not the number of people involved in the cover-up this is the number of people formally accused of directly abusing children yeah and it's ridiculous i mean can you imagine if seven percent of prominent atheists were getting a bad example sorry you were doing a story about but we hate but in our defense that's only if we average yours out among everybody and that that's all I'm asking. I'm asking everyone take one for the team. Dude, you got to learn to plan your shit out better.

I'm not saying that. I don't like your thing. It's got X's and O's and you use lots of sports terminology. I hope you listen to Gam. Otherwise, this is very disturbing. That related to something else. It's not face value. No, we just plan rapes.

Don't listen to him. Making excuses. I want to emphasize anything other than where that joke is going so what i'm going to emphasize is the number this is the number of people accused right not convicted 4444 is that number that's the number of people who have been accused of sexually abusing kids in the custody of the catholic church in australia so the number of them who actually did it is almost certainly way fucking higher than that. Planning.

Yeah, because sure. No, because an accusation isn't a conviction. Sure. But something tells me the number of sexually abused children who don't come forward as at least an order of magnitude higher than the number who come forward with false allegations. Twitter would disagree, but only if you're talking about women and not children. Maybe children. I don't know anymore. What about women and children?

In fairness to rape apologists on Twitter, no, I'm not doing it. I had something good, but I am not giving it to them. I had a good apology for the apologists. Good planning. Once again, good rape apologist planning. Now, the guy whose job it is

to defend the church called these numbers indefensible and yet continued collecting a check from him nonetheless chief executive of the church's truth justice and healing council francis sullivan said quote as catholics we hang our heads in shame and quote giving in my mind insufficient rhetorical consideration to the fact that hanging their heads is what got them in trouble in the first place. A little lower, a little lower, even more ashamed. And now less ashamed, and now more ashamed, and now less ashamed. Awful, awful people. Were you wearing that necklace a moment ago?

So finally tonight, from the ideologer file in response to last sunday's super bowl ad by budweiser which depicted their company's german founder adolphus bush coming to the united states in 1857 a large group of xenophobic white christians decided it was time to boycott the beer in protest given the the pro-immigration theme, I guess, these people think Budweiser is looking to market their alcoholic beverage to Muslims now. Well, yeah, right.

It works so well for their bacon and clit ring department, so this is just the next logical step. Oh, man. Guys, if the first beer Muslims try is Budweiser, we're in trouble. We could be creating jihadists. Nope. Nope. Blow them up. Yeah. No. Give me that pamphlet.

Totally valid. So, apparently the protesters think the ad was meant to undermine Donald Trump's Muslim ban by telling the story of an immigrant in a positive light. But, here's the thing thing the executive order on immigration happened nine days before the super bowl and they released it earlier the the ad companies don't generally slap together 35 million dollar commercials during

the final week before it airs like a goddamn term paper they forgot about shit do we have one of those on that big game yeah what do they think this is? A halftime show? No, she was amazing, beautiful, and strong, guys. She was great. Let it go, gay dudes. Let it go. But also, they're pissed about white Christian

immigration in the 1800s? I mean, shouldn't they at least look at this and say, well, that's how it's supposed to go white folks in boats y'all i mean i feel like it really betrays your own tenuous grip on what you're pissed about when you can so easily accidentally be pissed at yourself and uh there's a couple details about this that i especially enjoyed first of all it's nice to see that trump supporters are refusing to get behind the story of a German guy named Adolphus.

There was. There was. Finally. Feels like a good thing somehow. But here's my favorite part of the story. Immediately following the Super Bowl, the hashtag Boycott Budweiser, spelled wrong, W-I-S-E-R, was trending nationwide. Must be an alternative spelling i don't know about oh oh well at least we know when warren wins in 2020 we can tell them their marches on january

32nd yeah that's so many wrong that was election day wasn't it all right so uh obviously this is the uh this is only the beginning of budweiser's plan for marketing jihad on the United States. And, of course, we're here to help. Let's put 30 seconds on the clock. We're looking for ideas for the Muslim-themed beer campaign to scare the Christians. Go. All right. I got one they'd go a long ways for.

How about Mecca Lobe? Ooh, the Ion Hersey Chablis or the Majid Shiraz? Those aren't good. Yeah, they could go into wine, sure. How about Sleeper Stella? I've been trying, but I just cannot make the O'Doul's O'Jews joke work, and I'm ashamed of myself. I think you just crushed it.

Moe's Jihad Lemonade, I guess. Hymen Ken. I'm ashamed of myself. I think you just crushed it. Moe's Jihad Lemonade, I guess. Heimenken. That sounds more like a Mormon beer, though. Sister Wives. You're damn right it does. Maybe Rolling A Rock? There you go. Or Anheuser-Busch?

Too obvious. Be like Muhammad. Have a youngling. Ooh. How about Skull? Official beer of jihadi executioners um how about uh the opec oiler maker and i'm gonna need some some music for this one guys you ready one turban one scotch and one beer

i know that we're all good and thirsty and rocked out, we'll wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. You can't write these things in the thing. I need to not assume. It's a game. It's a game. And it's great because none of the listeners know what the joke is. They just hear you laughing.

Chutes and ladders, nothing to do with Newtown. And when we come back, you'll have missed us more than you're willing to admit. So as is tradition here on The Scathing Atheist, we love to welcome members of the new Trump administration. And with her just being confirmed, today we'd like to invite Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos to the show. Ms. DeVos, welcome. It's pronounced Degrassi. Thank you, Noah. like to invite Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos to the show. Ms. DeVos, welcome. It's pronounced Degrassi. Thank you, Noah. Glad to be here. So today, we're going to be talking about Loot Crate, where our listeners can be the envy of their friends and get 100% exclusive crates at lootcrate.com slash atheist and enter our code atheist to save $3 off any new subscription.

Oh, wow. That sounds like some real kick in good times, Noah. Well, wait till I tell you about February's crate. It's very put together. Oh, like my barely contained facade of humanity. Kinda, but not evil. Tell me all about this loot crate. On a quest for epic gear, housewares and collectibles, loot crate has it. Oh, sounds good. And how many do I have to donate for a position in a presidential cabinet? Well, Loot Crate offers an epic range of pop culture items for less than $20 a month. So based on your own appointment, I'd say an awful lot of them. I'll say.

That's enough to build a wall. It sure isn't. I'm going to be in charge of schools. You are. Loot Crate is the best surprise you know is coming. So the opposite of a pair Sure, yeah Why don't you read the last part?

Can't read, I'm in charge of schools now Okay, I'll do it Get ready for February's pop culture theme build Loot Crate has awesome and exclusive items From the most put together franchises This February experience iconic items From Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Batman, Lego Dimensions and Tetris Including always, our monthly t-shirt and pin.

Go to LootCrate.com slash Atheist and enter our code Atheist to save $3 off any new subscription today. I brought marshmallow squares. Those are packing peanuts. Something. Hey, folks. We usually wait until things are a bit closer to plug them but tickets are selling fast for reason con we're gonna be hanging out all weekend as well as doing a god awful movies live with special guest thomas smith of the serious inquiries only podcast now so don't wait grab

your tickets while you can links in the show notes for this episode or you can just google reason con but that's not all at reason con itself we'll have hidden a golden ticket inside one of our penises. And the fan who can find it... Dude, dude, what? No. What? I'm just trying to get people excited for ReasonCon. No, dude, there's somebody whose job...

They got great speakers. We're doing a live show. They get to hang out with us and Thomas and Andrew and Cogdis are all going to be there. That's how we're going to get people to come, okay? Okay, fine. I'm going to go make myself some cookies. You're going to what? Make myself some cookies.

Don't you ever make yourself a batch of hot, fresh cookies? No. Man, how often do you make yourself cookies? Like twice a day. I like pretending someone wants me to be happy. Dude, this sketch is way too dark. Raisin Con, April 21st through the 23rd. Don't miss it.

You okay? Never. Before we shut everything down and figure out what new international crisis our president instigated on Twitter while we were recording, I wanted to apologize to Natalie and Dan of the Science Enthusiast podcast. They did last week's Farnsworth quote, and I included the wrong link in the show notes. So if you tried to find their show and failed, be sure to check out the new and improved link in this week's show notes.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting on Tuesday at 7 a.m. Eastern. And in case you missed it, we dropped a new episode of The Skeptocrat on Monday, so be sure to give that one a listen as well. Obviously, this wouldn't rise to full episoditude if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for fighting through a nasty cold and an even nastier Patriots win to make it through the show tonight.

I also want to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for reminding me to smile and giving me so many good reasons to. I want to thank Eli Bosnick for the incredible patience he exhibits and are increasingly frequent. We can't tell people how and why to make bombs on the show conversations. And speaking of those conversations, I also need to thank Andrew Torres one more time for helping us figure out what's wrong with our Johnson. Incidentally, there has probably never been a better time to know more about the law. And the opening arguments podcast is the most fun way to learn about it that I've ever found. Be sure to check out the link for their show on the show notes as well. I also want to thank Travis and Yumi for

providing this week's Farsworth quote and demonstrating that secret layers are indeed the wave of the future. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most euphonious georgatists, Tamara, Nathaniel, the all-powerful atheismo, Ingrid, Brennan, Dan, Mike, Butch, Gunner, Chris, Bernie, Mark, Daniel, Matt, Thomas, Jean, Anthony, James, Squick, Finger, Deborah, and Benjamin. Tamara, Nathaniel, the all-powerful atheismo, Ingrid, Brenna, Dan, and Mike, whose IQs give boxes of Cheerios O-envy. Butch Gunner, Chris, Bernie, Mark, Daniel, and Matt, who attract more bunnies than tricks. And Thomas, Jean and Anthony, James, Squick, Finger, Deborah, and Benjamin,

whose greatness forced Tony the Tiger to admit that Frosted Flakes were only pretty good. Together, these 21 tawdry testaments of titillation traded a tittle of their treasure to our trenchant tirades against the troublesome tools of the tabernacle this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the temerity, tenacity, and temporality it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com

slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help but you're not going to, we get that. It's your choice. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. Our theme song was arranged and performed by Morgan Clark with Richard McNulty on guitar.

All additional music was written and performed by Morgan Clark and was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. It is literally impossible. You can't do that alright you need a second to get your ray on Amy's ready to do ray Amy's ready to do ray alright

ok Betsy Davos I was watching some Betsy Davos videos today so I could get some points down working on Davos. I'm so glad I'm not in this one. I'm just going to hold me. I'm going to leave. All right,

here we go. Here we go. We can do this. The preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.