The Sevan Podcast - Aja Barto & Pat Barber | Dad Talk #942

Episode Date: June 14, 2023

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by car and other conditions apply. Oh, I love it. Go blue. Yeah, I am in my garage. My little garage office corner thing here.

Bam, we're live. And we're live. And we're live. You're also in your garage, right, Asia? I am, yes. Same thing. Studio, office, Asia? I am, yes. Same thing. Studio, office, gym, all of the above. Pat Barber with the hat on.

Asia Bartow with the man bun and Sevan Matosian in the bottom with the boy bun. Maybe I shouldn't juxtapose those words. Pat, thanks for coming on last minute, yeah of course man I had a little bit of heads up Asia yesterday texted me and told me like hey dude looking forward to seeing you tomorrow and I thought we were talking about something totally different um so we can talk about we can talk about anything no no I mean i thought he was gonna see me somewhere totally different like a different podcast and then oh he's like no savan's gonna reach out so there was a big mis it was great it was fantastic good i love miscommunication good thing we're all professional talkers yeah one yeah for sure i'm putting on my toe spacers some some shows start

with like you know mr roger started with putting on uh shoes niceers. Some shows start with like, you know, Mr. Rogers started with putting on shoes. Nice. Which ones do you use? I'm complete. I don't even know. It's from the company called Toe Spacers. It's the ones Daniel Brandon uses. Yeah. Oh, thank God. They're hers too, right? Those are like her actual spacers. These are actually hers.

I snuck into her room and got them. That's the only reason why I wear them. You wear toe spacers? I found that I mainly just need the one between my big toe and the toe next to it. So I got this one that's like a cheap one on Amazon that just slides on the second toe and pushes the big toe out. Just on? So it just slides. Is it a cock ring toe spacer?

It's a dual purpose. You use it for whatever you wish. Have you ever smelt yours? Oh, no. No, I can't say I have. Are you trying to eat right now? No, man. I got a coffee here.

Oh. It looked like you were injecting something. Yeah. Check this out. It's a coffee stir stick. Go everywhere with it. Froth your coffee on the go um i i i recently i know i know pat from just a long history working together uh pat was a crossfit

games athlete uh worked at crossfit hq we have a long long uh uh relationship knowing each other since basically 2000 maybe seven or eight and asia i also met you know was across the games athlete and then recently rekindled uh relationship relationship with and it's interesting that this happens probably unbeknownst to him because he's on instagram and he has kids and um with kids or any I guess anyone with passion starts to search out people who also have passion in that same realm. And so we start watching each other and you start trying to like basically plagiarize ideas from them. You're trying to figure out, OK, how's this dad work out? What's he do with his kids on the weekend? How do him and his wife have a job? Do they homeschool? Do they not homeschool? Just all

you're basically trying to plagiarize ideas off of other parents who are who are who are in the same game as you. So you start to kind of build a relationship with these people unbeknownst to them. And then I was very I was lucky enough to meet Lindsay, who is one of the owners, if not the owner of BirthFit, who Asia's wife, Leah, works very close with, Leah Bartow. So I got to have Leah on the podcast, and that was awesome. And that's when I really realized, oh, shit, a lot of our stuff really aligns. And then I thought, oh, it would be fun just to have Asia on the show and just talk about dad stuff. And I have some ideas. And then Asia was like what about pat barber i'm like oh yeah i've heard of that guy and pat and pat actually probably lives pat you probably live 10 miles from me yeah probably man uh i think we're pretty close

i live in the country and you live in the sticks is that a fair is that that's like next level country right i mean you could say that you you you live in like like expensive country and i live in like less expensive country i mean you're really you're really out there well yeah i mean i it feels like you're way out but i'm like 20 minutes from the ocean so uh but but a fire truck can't get to your house fire truck could get to my house it could yeah for sure oh not the road that i took to your house right get it up that it could get we pulled up we pulled a 40-foot trailer up that before are you kidding me no asia have you been to Pat's house? I have not.

Not yet. I keep telling him to come out, but he won't. Asia, I have 100 fruit trees on my property. Pat probably has the same. Pat has one apple tree that gives more fruit than all my trees combined in that weight harvest. That's the kind of shit that's going on out there. It's country on steroids. It really is. It's definitely country.

That's for sure. I'm very fortunate. And how many kids do you have, Pat? A million. Infinity at this point in time. No, I have four. Four boys. They're all boys, Pat?

They're all boys. Seven. Thank you. And how many kids do you have, Asia? I have all boys, seven. Thank you. How many kids do you have, Asia? I have two. What are yours? One boy, one girl. Good job.

Yeah, and I have three boys. God, I'm so curious what it's like to have a girl. Aren't you curious, Pat? Yeah, I'm super curious. I'm never going to know, but I'm super curious. You're done? I'm super done, yeah. We were kind of done with three,

but then we were like, three was so amazing that we were like, you know what, let's do four. But we're getting a little older, and this last birth was not as linear as the others. We're done. Put it that way. It wasn't just lay down and just like okay have it okay yeah we had we had three like totally straightforward births where it was like you know no epidural go in do

the whole thing you know pretty much right on time do it do it as as natural we could. And then this, it was always at a birthing center. It was never at home. We were never that brave. But this last one was a placental abruption. So went in for a normal thing and then placental abruption, detached from the uterus. My wife lost half her blood, nearly died, emergency section, crazy stuff. But placenta, what's the word you're using? It's a placental abruption. So it's basically where the placenta attaches to the mom. That's how she provides nutrients to the baby and oxygen and whatnot. And that can actually detach from the, the, the, uh, uterine wall and basically make it. So she starts hemorrhaging blood and then

the baby has no oxygen, has no, no nutrients, but that happened right while we were, you know, going through labor. It was pretty gnarly. Um, I know none of us are doctors, but, um, isn't after my wife had the kids, then she like, you know, she had, you have the kids, you hold the kid and you think it's over and then they give birth to the placenta afterwards. So it wasn't she supposed to give birth to it anyway or just detached to earlier or what? Yeah. So you're supposed to give birth to it anyway, but it detached too early. So like while she was laboring, it was it was its connection was weak and it essentially popped off the wall. So and it was it went from like pretty normal in terms of labor.

off the wall. So and it was it went from like pretty normal in terms of labor, like everything was like, you know, labor is intense as it is. But like, it went from like, we're okay to all of a sudden, she just hemorrhaged blood. And then the nurse looked at me and like ran out of the room and like, 11 nurses came in. And from that point, when she started hemorrhaging to when the baby was out was six minutes. So like they pulled everyone out went in there like grabbed a big old knife out and just you know pulled the baby out and and uh then she had to get four units of blood uh she ended up losing over half her blood but it was uh yeah pretty pretty how much blood can how much blood can you lose before you're dead um in half you're dead like you die if you don't get blood if yeah pretty much if if you don't if well when you when you're dead? Is it half you're dead? Like you die if you don't get blood?

Yeah, pretty much. If you don't, when you're pregnant, you actually almost double your blood volume. No shit, I didn't know that. Yeah, you end up adding a ton of blood. Well, you don't, but your wife does. Right.

And that's why women can bleed so much during pregnancy is because they've got such a higher blood volume. But she lost a lot of blood and had to get a full transfusion for four units. So it was it was it was not not pleasant. But we're like we're like, yeah, you know what? Let's just be a sign that we're done. Listen to this. This is Google. So who knows if it's true, but we'll go with it. In a healthy adult, there's an average of 4.5 to 5.5 liters of blood circulating at any given time.

Most adults can tolerate to lose up to 14% of their blood. So your wife, she was basically going to die if there wasn't a medical intervention. Totally. If we would have had that birth at home, both my son and my wife would have died. And I know that home births are a thing and people love them and that's great power to you for, for us. We always went to a birthing center over at Sutter. Uh, and it was just like, I've heard nothing but good shit about that, by the way, not one bad experience over there. Yeah, man. It's, it's a wonderful place. And we've had four kids there now, and it was very thankful that we were there. It's scary stuff.

Dr. Barber bringing it. Pat is the Bradley Cooper of CrossFit. And Sean says a partial abruption. Okay, here we go. Sean, my wife – oh, he is an expert too. My wife had an abruption at week 12. Whoa, crazy. This baby we had last week.

So week 12 – oh, God, I wonder what happens then. So he was saying actually that was – he then followed that up with partial abruption. So it must have slightly detached from the placenta wall. So my wife had the full abruption. Okay, sorry, Sean. I read it backwards. So hers was able to heal, maybe coagulate and scab back up and reattach. I don't know if it's, that's a pretty graphic imagery,

but I probably just was weighing, weighing jangling and hanging off for a little bit there. Oh, good thing we have Asia here. He's an expert. Asia, can this happen to a pregnant man as well? Asia will weigh in on all the controversial. Oh, poor boy. I don't believe it could. All right.

Well, there you go. Thank you for the valuable question. But this is totally not the way the show is supposed to start. But is your wife still – when did that happen? How long ago? Six months. So December 3rd. Does she have her skin color back?

Does she look normal again? She does look normal again. I mean, she got three. Was she yellow for a while? She was definitely pale. And my wife is very, very tan. And so she was quite pale for a bit. And then she got three units of blood right in the moment from Dominican,

which was kind of a miracle that it was all there. What's a unit? What's a unit? A liter? I actually don't know in terms of measurement. in, which was kind of a miracle that it was all there. What's a unit? A liter? I actually don't know in terms of measurement, but I know it's quite a bit to get four total. So she ended up getting four, and it was a sketch experience to say the least. It sounds like it's half a liter, 525 milliliters.

There you go. Wow. My wife had a miscarriage. And like any good husband, she started bleeding. And I didn't want her to make a mess in the house. So I put her in the bathtub. And when I went and checked on her later, she was starting to go unconscious. So I took her to the hospital.

Nice. The nice in me. That was super kind of you to actually end up taking her to the hospital. Nice. The nice in me, right? That was super kind of you to actually end up taking her to the hospital. I appreciate your character. During the middle of UFC 194, and I had pay-per-viewed it, so I was really pissed. No, I'm joking. I don't remember if it was fight night. Anyway, she was yellow. I mean, she lost a shit ton of blood.

The bathtub was filling with blood, and she was yellow for probably six months. Oh, wow. Yeah, she just didn't have her color. Especially around scar tissue, you know, like places where she had scar tissue or surgeries or knee surgery or whatever. It was a trip. It took her a fucking long time to get her color back. I guess you need good blood. It's good for you.

Yes. Blood is important. My entire life, I never um like like any anyone really i guess maybe i felt like i would say i was like an armenian boy or like i knew who my parents were but i never would be like i knew i was in the sixth grade or you know when i turned seven i would tell people i was seven but i was never like hey i'm a soccer player or hey i'm a guitarist or i was never any i never had any a strong identity maybe my identity was rooted in feelings did my parents love me but when i had kids that was the first time in my life very quickly i was like holy fuck i'm a dad

like i i straight up i don't know if i own that shit but it was given to me I felt the impact of it and um it's the most um fictional role that I've ever bonded with that that I've ever like embraced like when my kids call me dad like I own like I am that I'm playing that I can't even though I I can't get out of it I and I love it like I'm just fully embraced it do you do Asia do you have I know you were more of an athlete and you probably earned some things earlier on in your life, but do you remember that being different when you had kids and just being like, oh, fuck, I'm a dad? Like, yeah, there's, there's a moment where I was like, looking at my father who, you

know, 20 years older than me and imagining like okay that's my dad and now i'm that to some someone else and it's funny because it's like when you have your birth they hand you the baby there's no instruction manual you go home with it you're like all right now i have to keep these these children alive but i mean it's a big responsibility shift and i you know i competing and playing professional sports and all those things, like I was always fond of my role within sports and whatnot. But moving into becoming a father is something that they don't provide you assistance, guidance, help, instruction manual with. You just kind of have to figure out as you go along. But then you seek out other fathers like yourself and you mirror what they're doing or at least seek information and

guidance from there and you just gotta kind of wing it as you go along find out what works keep it things that don't do away with it are there things that you do during the day like when i pull up to the house and i see trash outside like and i and i'll go i'll stop the car like before i pull into the driveway to pick up the trash i'm like yep this is dad shit like even just little things like that i'm like yep this is what my dad would have done he'd have picked up the cigarette butts that someone threw in front of the house or you want to go to bed but there's dirty clothes on the floor in someone's room and you're in there picking that shit up and you're like it's like almost like you don't even recognize yourself you're like who is this guy

yeah i mean you know those are a lot of things that your dad did right right and that's what i mean but i would have never done it as a kid. I just would have run by him and been like, sucker. You know what I mean? I do a lot of those things, too, to just kind of mirror the role that I want my kids to see. You know, you mentioned, hey, this is stuff that I saw my dad do when I was younger. And now these are things that you're doing as well. Yeah. And so we might do the same.

We're on a walk within our neighborhood and I'm picking up trash taking care of like our neighborhood our block right hopefully modeling that thing that action for him that he could do down the road but just you know doing the right thing being an integrative human being and uh and like leading the family how you would presume you'd want to or how your father did is that the strongest thing you've ever felt is being a dad? Like the most, I don't know, role, I guess role, you know, to use that Shakespeare said something like we're all actors, you know, coming and going on the stage. Do you feel like dad's the one you most rooted in?

Does this question even resonate with you, what I'm saying? I think what I'm resonating with is just the responsibility that comes with it. And I think that I wouldn't say that I felt like the strongest role when I had children, but I think I've never had a greater responsibility than when I brought children in this world, like understanding how to take care of them, how to be the role model that you want to be for them. And a lot of those things you don't know upon children coming into this world, but it's stuff that you walk into

and you realize, oh shit, like I have to set the example for them. But a lot of it doesn't necessarily change with how I've carried myself and how I've lived my day to day. But you've got these two human beings that start very, very small and growing on up. You want to make sure that you take care of them, you know, financially, that you're able to

support them. You're, you're, you're able to provide for them. So responsibility was a big thing that I stepped into that. I don't think I've ever had a greater responsibility. I think that's obvious. Any father that stepped into this, that's the biggest thing with having children. Oh, sorry. Go ahead, Pat. I think it's just one of the most confronting things that happens to you, depending on where you're at in life when you have a child is just like, you know, you might identify as the role is like, I am. Yeah, I'm a dad now, because that's inherent in the fact that you now have a child. But I think in that moment, at least for me, I still wanted to be myself. I still wanted to be like an individual who's like, yeah, no, I'm still important and very important to myself.

And you realize in that moment when you have a kid that you're less important than your responsibility to your children. And that's the first time like your wife is your wife. And oftentimes they're another adult human being but when you have a child that's like slaps you in the face with like i'm no longer the most important thing to me anymore and for me that was that was a big transition that was something i fought for like three years before i embraced it and that was when i like kind of brought it on and was like okay now i'm a dad and and then what's it look like when you fight it back? Give me an example.

What's that look like? Well, I mean, the initial, I mean, Asia can speak to this, and you can as well. Like when you have a child, like those first, the first year, you're kind of useless. Like you can change diapers. You can help your wife out, but like you don't give life to this thing. Your support. Your support.

You're not dunking at all. You just pass, bring in the water, pass balls in the back. And you don't get any love you don't have any sort of like fill the ball up with air pretty much and then like until they start like looking at you and you know like like having this interaction it takes it takes a while for that to some people take it right on you know like and just pick it up but uh for me it was like i fought it and it was a struggle and i was like i was frustrated that i wasn't getting sleep and i was thought you know, like it just being a self-absorbed little prick, like I was for most of my life. And the sooner I let go of that, the more enjoyable the entire parenting experience was. And that was when I really embraced like fatherhood and was

like, this is a, this is a hefty role. Like right when it comes out, you a dad but like but but but once you kind of give in to the whole like this is not about you anymore it's about something else that's to me when you become a father how do you let go how what do you have to do to um what do you do to accept it or to let go or quit fighting because and why let go because it's a losing battle why not just keep you know down the path you call it being a prick but why not keep just going down that path fight it well because i think letting why let go letting go is about is to me about accepting the the present versus you know being frustrated that you're no longer able to go out and do whatever you want. So letting go and accepting how difficult things are makes it that much more

enjoyable. It's the same thing as like, if you're fighting, if you're doing a workout and you're like fighting it the whole time being like, I hate this, this is bad, like it's gonna be bad. But like, if you're like, yeah, we're here, I made this choice, we're doing this. It's, it's that much more enjoyable. And then when weird or terrible stuff happens, you can, you can embrace it a little bit easier. So that letting go makes the whole experience that much better. That's what I'm going to give an example. And, uh, I think Asia and Pat will agree. This is every, once you have kids, this is my kids are six and eight, and this is how everything goes. And so I think, I think this is what Pat means. Uh, you go to the coffee shop. Um, I think this is what Pat means. You go to the coffee shop. Everyone's behaving. Everything's great.

You get to the counter, you order your food, their food comes. It's now been 15 minutes. You've ordered all the food. You got everyone seated in their seats. You have their napkins, everyone. You've taken everyone to go to the bathroom. You're finally about to sit down and drink your coffee. And someone knocks your coffee over and then, and then, and then you look and there's 15 people in line, and then it's time to go because you've got to take someone to a soccer game,

and you don't get your coffee. And I think what Pat is saying is that at that point, you have to figure out how am I going to – that's every day. And so if you don't figure out how to enjoy that, you're just going to fight that. You're going to walk to the car angry, right? That's what you're basically saying. You're just about to leave the house. You're so excited wife's got everything and your kid runs by you and shit's on the floor and your wife's breastfeeding over here

and you're like well i guess i'm not going to the movies right now i'm gonna clean shit on the floor and if you don't learn to enjoy that you're fucked right that's what you mean you have to just be like yeah yeah that's it i mean and i and and i think but yeah that's crazy you do it except it's fantastic though yeah i guess i mean i you can i agree i can speak to that it's like once you accept how shitty a lot of it is it's really wonderful right right right i love it like i've never felt a stronger identity like you're saying than being a father uh and it makes everything else seem pretty trivial i think it's also understanding that it's not short-lived right we're in this for the long haul yeah so you know it's in embracing the steps along the way but also

understanding that like i've got two choices i can either suffer through this and make this terrible and make this about myself and be very like self-consumed or I can like understand that life is just going to be different for the now and for the future and let's make the best of it and I think it also comes down to the individuals that are making that decision too like we're all very obviously more similar than we're different but we're unique individuals and how we think how we act how we you know the values that we believe in not every father is going to say and speak on the things that we are. A lot of the fathers are going to say, you know what, I'm going to remove myself. You know what, I'm not going to deal with this.

I'm going to continue to stay self-consuming, whatever it is. So it takes a unique individual to be able to say, you know what, I'm just going to embrace the journey, understand what's going on, and really make the best of it. Pat, how did you figure that out, he's just talking about and what you were talking about? How do you figure out, um, because for me, it, for me, what you're saying is like, I, I'm, I fight that every single day. It's not so it's not,

I wouldn't say it's so much that I'm a self-absorbed prick. It's that I start getting in these schedules, right? I get it. Like anytime I'm in a rush, I start falling out of the present, right? And so I'm always reminding myself, like if I get off at the wrong exit and now I'm in traffic and we're going to be 15 minutes late to an appointment, I have to remind myself, hey, dude, you're arguing with reality again. How did you catch yourself in someone? Did someone tell you, hey, dude, you got to just accept the present? Or were you just so frustrated? You were looking for an out from your moods? Yeah, I think it was, it was a frustration thing. It was like, I realized that that like,

I was not happy. And I was pretty miserable, even though I had so many things going for me. And it was just this. And it was like, even things that were previously fantastic, like my relationship with my wife, you know, it was, it was something to where I was letting the, I was letting the circumstance dictate how I felt and, and, and, you know, how I moved through life. And, and I was just trying to be something I wasn't anymore, whether it be a elite level competitor and sacrifice all that time, or whether go out and, you know, play play go surfing whenever i wanted to it was just like that's not where i'm at anymore and i i i it it also as my kids started to age my first son oaks who's 10 now um holy shit he's 10 isn't that wild yeah dude 10 7 5 4 and 6 months but uh the he started exhibiting my negative symptoms or like the

things that were shitty about me even at three years old he started holding up this little mirror of like this is how you act dad oh yeah yeah yeah oh cool cool cool cool and so that the responsibility of like oh this is like you don't listen to what i say you act how i act so that became so huge in my face that it's like i shouldn't be doing i shouldn't be acting this way like i'm an adult like the difference between you and me is i can i can rationalize this and change this in my head you are just modeling what you see so that that made it so i i had to be different so that was that was one of the bigger things that made me shift. And it's made every piece of parenting since then a lot better.

Asia, when you met your wife, did you guys know you were going to have kids? No. No. No. And I've always been – I tell this story oftentimes, but I never saw myself as a father. Yeah, me neither. When we got into the – Oh, none of us? None of I never saw myself as a father. Yeah, me neither. When we got into it. Oh, none of us ever saw ourselves as fathers.

Wow. I didn't even see it as a little bit. You guys not even a little bit, huh? I mean, I thought I'd probably have kids at some point, but I never envisioned what that experience was going to be like. I was like, yeah, I'd probably have kids. Yeah, I didn't even think I'd have kids. I was actually against having kids. i wasn't against it but it wasn't something that i saw

within my future but you know you fall in love with somebody and you care for them you know more than you care for yourself you care for the world and you want what's best for the family and if they're like listen i love you you love me and if we're gonna stay together like this is what i want for our life you have to make a compromise. And she wanted kids. Your wife wanted kids. Yeah. And then so you act, you acquiesce. You're like, okay. Yeah. And you know, it's, it's a, it's a push pull. Hey, I want children. Okay. Well, we have to make sure that we are, you know, financially stable. We're in the right position to do it where we have to be at the right time. We have to know collaboratively make this decision versus hey i want kids cool let's have kids like we we uh we assess the situation and and i think we intelligently had children at the times that we did um and uh you know when i first met her in when we first started dating in 2010 like this this wasn't even a conversation, but as we got more serious

and we got married, I always knew these things about her versus the conversations that we've had. But I think as we got, went along our relationship and our relationship developed, we took the appropriate steps within a relationship. We got to the point where it was a feasible time to do it. We did it. How long did you know her before you had kids? How long did you know her before you had kids? Almost a decade, about. Pat, did you know when you met your wife? Did you get married and know that you guys were going to have kids and all that?

How did that play out? Well, we got together in 2009 at the games, as you know. That was super fun and then we ended up um moving back to santa cruz in 2012 and we had just started thinking about having children we weren't married yet we were engaged but we were getting married did you kiss in my motorhome i never kissed in your motor home uh it was it was the year after the motorhome so i think it was 2000 didn't she have the motor home in 2008 and nine you're talking about in aromas you met her in aromas yes well she came to santa cruz she she came and stayed with me for a week in santa cruz that year um and then we kind of fell in love and did the whole thing with yeah no it was great i can tell you that story if you

want to but the the the uh we i didn't we didn't like plan it really it was just kind of like we're like that's let's let's think about having kids and then she she i moved back to santa cruz and she came back like two weeks later and we then did the thing that you do after you haven't seen each other for a little bit uh and it was very passionate and amazing and she was like hey by the way i stopped taking birth. And she was like, hey, by the way, I stopped taking birth control. And I was like, I should have. I'd be nice if you told me that before 38 seconds ago. And that was the one and done for our first son of getting pregnant. And you weren't married yet.

We weren't. No, we were engaged. So during our wedding, she has this giant pregnant belly, which is pretty awesome. Eaton Beaver, good morning. Pat, rock rock the shaved head you have a shaved head pat i do dude going bald so shaved it off oh nice you shave it yourself i shave it myself i can't pay for that yeah fair i don't got uh men talking about birth the ladies from the view would be so proud. Thanks, poor boy. Thank you. Asia freaking Bartow.

See the house. CTP cam. Well, that's a fucking awesome logo. It is a cool logo. TLB, at Asia Bartow. That's my dad right there. That is? Oh, wow.

Pop's paying $20 to slide that in there, huh? Yeah, he's a good dude. What's that T right there? What oh wow pops paying 20 bucks to slide that in there yeah he's a good dude what's that t right there what is it yeah i think it's just a random photo of a t oh okay bartow it's the it's the toe from bartow strong strong t uh oh uh sunny k my marriage did not survive children we had the connection but not the communication. I would, that, that statement is profound in all honesty. Communication is 1000%. What gets you through that? Cause like, and like the honesty of like, just being like, I'm not going to hold shit in. I'm just going to let you know something and we're going to go back and forth and I'm going to realize I was wrong and letting you know the way I did. Like that communication is huge.

And whatever he just, who or she, whoever that was, just said that, that was, I would 100% agree that communication is even more important than that connection. So, but your communication was, had a 38 second lag time. was i had a 38 second lag time uh in that hey we communicated deeply not on his end it was yeah my i was yeah i was fine hey are you cool with that you know it's fun so my my twins happened the same way my wife told me she was ovulating and then the next night she's like what the fuck did you just do and i said what do what do you mean? She goes, I told you I was ovulating. And I said, that was yesterday. And two weeks later, she's pregnant with twins. Was that an issue?

When she told you she was pregnant, were you cool with it? Or did your whole life flash before your eyes? You know, because my wife one time told me on April Fool's she was pregnant before we had kids. Oh, yeah. And she kept me on the line for like 30 minutes and it was like an acid trip i saw my whole life kind of like playing i was like playing out my whole life well i think i think for you you're so self-absorbed that that's probably the case so like you were so like my whole world is about to end yeah you're like son of a bitch like this

is something else i'm gonna have to be responsible for right i'm responsible for myself but but i think you were aware of how self-absorbed you were um and i was not which was confronting for me but the the the so when it happened to me i was like great i'm gonna do great at this this is awesome um and then then when we had him that was more of the confronting time uh but no i i i was stoked when she told me. I definitely was like, what the hell, man? You should have told me that beforehand. She's like, it takes so long to get pregnant. Not with this man.

And how long did you know her? What year was that? That was 2012. Or actually, that was late 2011, I should say. Like December 2011. So you knew her for two or three years. Mm-hmm. And you knew your wife for about 10 years, Asia.

Right. Do you guys have any thoughts on how long you should know someone before you have a baby with them? Long enough to know that this is the person you want to have a baby with. Mm-hmm. I don't have much. I know that meeting this woman was very different than meeting every other woman I've met. So it made sense once I finally met her. But I couldn't give you a timeframe. Did you know at that time that I

guess you were engaged? Why did you get engaged, Pat? Um, I got engaged with Taz because it was just like, it, nothing pointed to it being anything other than this is the woman I want to be with for the rest of my life. Um, it was, it wasn't like even a question, like she was super special to me and, um, I had had some amazing relationships previous to her, but she was on a whole different level. And to this day, like, I'm so thankful for the relationship that I have. I'm super fortunate. I found a girl who is, I'm like the emotional one in our relationship. You know, like I carry more raw emotion. She's more like stoic and kind of holds her stuff. So like we have this yin and yang in so many ways like we're exactly identical in our value structure but different in our in our ways of being even

our tastes like our tastes are the exact opposite but it's like um it's very balancing so it i got married because it it was it there was no it was a no-brainer like uh yeah did you think you were gonna get married me yeah as a think you were going to get married? Me? Yeah, as a kid. I thought I'd get married at some point, for sure. I like relationships, for sure. Asia, go ahead, Pat.

I was a serial monogamous. I was the guy who'd be like, three-year relationship, four-year relationship, two-year relationship, three-year relationship, and then man-ho for three months. Man-ho. Congratulations. Asia, did you think you were going to get married? And why did you get married? Why did you ask Leah to marry you? Or did you ask her? I did ask her.

Yeah, I would hope she didn't ask me. No, I didn't. And I didn't care much for marriage. You know, culturally I was raised in a, my, my mom, my dad actually never got married. They just recently got married probably five years ago for like tax purposes. Their their accountant basically told them, hey, you're at about that age where it's going to make it's going to make sense for you guys to get married and share the same name. But I grew up seeing my mom and my dad love each other unconditionally without having to put a ring on the finger.

And so that's what I was raised on. And I've always been a loyal individual. And every girl that I dated from when I started dating up through Leah was like, I'm committed to you. Like I'm not being a manhole or doing anything behind your back to where I didn't necessarily believe in or think it was necessary. But again, you meet somebody who you share extreme love for and you want things that they want. That was important to her.

We had a perfect marriage, though. We eloped in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Basically, me, her, and a couple of photographers. And it was like, I mean, very, very fond memories. One of the most epic times of my life. And so that's what she wanted. And I wanted to support her and what she wanted and i wanted the same for her when we got to that moment moment in our in our lives um pat when

when so you have the first kid and now you have a kid and um does does you guys know right away that you're gonna have a second kid oh how old were you then how old were you then when you guys had your first kid how old was she how old were you so i think she was 30 and i was 26 27 wow yeah wow yeah i was kind of young yeah it's god let me let me throw this on there and i'm not defending pat at all. It's not that he was completely self-absorbed for three years. It's that he was 26. Well, I think those are synonyms. Yeah, it's not a – but before when you were saying it, I was thinking of it as a negative thing. But there is a section in there from your 20s to maybe your late 30s,

your 40s where I think it's healthy to be completely absorbed like to get you have to have your grind on you have to for sure i agree you're a fucking horse that needs to get on the track and do some fucking big laps for sure and and i i think that's part of that maturing is the age thing like you hit 30 and like perspective shifts to an extreme degree uh at least somewhere around that space um because i couldn't relate to what you were saying at first because when i had my first kid at 43 and i was already like in the garage like i was a kind you know i mean i wasn't running i wasn't on the track anymore my my hardest working years were behind me not not like not in a bad way at all but but

i was i was in the pasture a little bit you know yeah no i was a coach i was no longer an athlete you know i was like you know yeah yeah that's crazy 26 dude yeah i i look back on it i'm like what the hell like you know like she like she she was she was i mean she was four years older than me so she was was 30, and she was wanting to make that a very meaningful time in her life. And so it made sense at the time, and I was totally down, but it was definitely – I was young for sure. Yeah, I would be – I think I would be – I was not terrified when my wife told me she was pregnant, but if at 26, I would have been terrified. I was in a different – I mean I had lived – I've had a really good life, man. Like I had done everything I wanted to do.

At that point in time, I'd competed in the games many times. I'd worked for a bunch of companies. I'd traveled the world. Like I'd like – Mine would have been financial. Mine would have been financial and responsibility. I couldn't even take care of myself. I don't even know if I brush my teeth every day at 26.

I still don't brush my teeth every day but the the the the the the reality is like i mean you're never ready like i i loved asia was saying you know like we prepared we did the thing it's like you're never ready like you never is it's like you have a kid and you're never like oh thank god i'm super prepared it's like you have it and it's a shitstorm no matter which one it is. I think it actually got easier with three and four, in my personal opinion. I didn't have twins like you did. But yeah, I think you're never truly ready. So as much as you want to prepare, it's never enough preparation. And Asia, your first child was planned?

Yeah, that's a good point. I'm, I believe you're never ready. I think there's certain things that you can prepare to a T, but you don't really know until it hits you. Right. But I would say that it was, it was absolutely planned. It wasn't like, Oh my God, what did we just do? Okay. I'm pregnant. It was like, okay, we, we need to hit these check marks, right? I want to take a relative risk to do these things before we have them, before we do it. And our second was, I kept pushing off our second as long as we could. But there was a specific timeframe in which Leah wanted to have the second child. But I would say that we were as prepared as we could be to bring a child into this world, as far as like mindset,

spiritually, emotionally, like physically, financially, all of these things to where, okay, we can bring another body into this world and support it without feeling like we're,

we're drowning. Right. But then obviously you have the child and you're like, whoa, you can't prepare for things like these types of things. Isn't it fun? I think it's wonderful. Do either of you have a nine to five?

No. I mean, I define. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I work for a best hour of their day. So I do the gym consulting and. But but is it flexible? But I guess is it flexible? Yeah, it's flexible yeah it's flexible and i work from home so you could you could start working from nine to midnight or you could get

up at four and do four to eight and then nine to midnight for sure and i think that's that's one of the things that fascinates me is like i'm very fortunate in my life to have you know we both my both wife and i both work from home we've both been entrepreneurs we've both kind of been able to manipulate our schedule and we're both like we don't have the major stressors of life of like, when are we going to eat next? Or where am I going to stay? Or like these things that are like, would sit on your consciousness to an extreme degree. And we have kids and it's incredibly stressful. And I can focus on things like, oh, I'm being self-absorbed, but I just can't imagine people who don't have those things covered. And they now have to raise a kid. Like, I'm being self-absorbed. But I just can't imagine people who don't have those things covered and they now have to raise a kid.

Like I'm like, what the, like when I get overwhelmed, I start being a terrible parent, you know, and I don't have basic fundamental needs stressors. So it's fascinating to me to see, and it's like horrifying to think about like having, not knowing what you're gonna eat or having to work a see to and it's like horrifying to think about like having not knowing what you're going to eat or having to work a nine to five and and not knowing where your kid's going to go for for uh daycare or whatever it is like that's like that perspective and and trying to see that and raise

kids consciously in that space would i don't know it i know we've been doing it for a lot of human history but still it's just like that's heavy i would put i would put myself in the camp as i'm just a hustler i've always been a hustler like i'm just always trying to whether i'm slinging weed or slinging fucking video editing or doing a podcast i'm always like just putting irons in the in the fire and you know just planting seeds in the garden and seeing what sticks and just working hard but but also being crazy flexible so like if my wife if i have plans and my wife's like hey i want to do something at noon or i have a dentist appointment or something i can just i can just change which makes which is different than working for the

city right let's say you work at the city and you work at the fucking the water treatment plant and basically what you're doing there is you're working nine to five every single fucking day five days a week but on the other end after 20 years you get to retire right right whereas me and you and asia are like assholes we got to learn about 401ks and trying to save like 10 of everything that comes in and like trying to figure out okay like what we got to be like we got to be thinking always all sorts of other weird shit. Totally. Yeah. You had a couple of people in the comments talking about like being poor and

poor people spend more time with kids and rich people spend time chasing money. I do know that I've met a lot of wealthy people who do not spend any time with their children. And of course, right. It blows, it blows my mind. Like it, that to me would be the reason you'd want to earn an excessive amount of money was so that you could. But I think in order to earn excess, you have to sacrifice your life. It's, it's your, it's your baby. It's the thing that you love, um, to some degree, if you're being honest with yourself. For me, I've never pursued extreme wealth. Like I'm, I can eat what I want to eat and live where I want to live live but i could have probably earned a lot more money if i would have stopped parenting or or i i think maybe some of you guys could speak to this too but it's just like there is the opportunity to uh earn a lot if you ignore your children someone came someone came up to me at the skate park yesterday and they said uh hey i said hey they said i can tell you spend a lot of time with your

kids it was the greatest compliment i've received in my entire fucking life i don't even know what they meant by it but i made some shit up in my head and uh yeah it's uh was it that they all had the same clothes on yes and they were all like dressed and they were they were exactly saying some strange rhetoric that was all the same yes we are savans kids uh sleeky this is in relationship to um how uh this is in relationship to how long a relationship should be before you have kids. Slicky says long enough to see how they act when they're angry, meaning your mate, when they're sad, when they've lost someone. That's a good one. When they're happy, you got to see all of them in many as many situations as possible. So she's not saying it's so much time as the metric, but I guess different pressures, right? Circumstances. I guess different pressures, right? Circumstances.

I would also say that like the communication piece will allow you to work your way through all of those regardless of whether or not you actually see them. So fundamentally you're kind of radically honest with each other and you can slug through that. Then regardless of how they act in those situations, you can have those conversations. But yeah. What do you mean by communication? Well, I mean, oftentimes you say things that are not understood or you understand things that were not said as, or you don't understand things that were implied and you're like,

what the fuck? So like being able to honestly be like, what, what's going on here and like not feel any qualms with like having a back and forth that might be slightly antagonistic, but then really quickly saying, I'm sorry afterwards. Even if, I mean, for me, it was learning to not care about like, I don't know, Siobhan, you were around when we first got together. My wife and I are both super strong minded and we like to bicker and we would just like go at each other constantly just for fun and it would make people around us uncomfortable um but we never took it personally it was just like how we were but eventually what happened was we would get into real fights and she would never

let anything go ever and i would also never let anything go because that's my personality and eventually what happened was we would never overcome it. And I just kind of was like, you know what? I'm just going to say, fine, you're right. Even though she wasn't right. She was wrong. But I'm going to say you're right. And then accept that. You know what?

Maybe she is right. And then immediately when I said that, she'd be like, yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't really care. And I was like, what? That's all I had to do? We've been fighting for like five hours? I just had to say like, and that thing was a really like, oh it like it really doesn't matter and you're here with me and it was just more for the sake of fighting so that communication to me was uh was something i had to learn um of just like letting go and it doesn't really matter most of the shit we fight

about doesn't really matter you know if we if we're arguing about, uh, our value structures, that's the time where we put a little bit more into it. But if we're arguing about the 99% of stuff that people argue about, like you told me to pick this up at the store. I didn't, but you texted me the wrong time. Like that doesn't matter. Right. So letting that go sooner was a growth moment for me. God saying, sorry is huge for sure. Saying to your kids is huge. Yeah. I,

I, right. I absolutely, I also do this too. If the kids do witness a fight, they have to witness the makeup. They have to, they,

they, it can't be like, not all the makeup. Cause then that's weird. Right, right, right, right.

Absolutely. But, but if, if I'm just making – let's say your wife carries something through the house and spills water all over the floors, and you're like – instead of being cool about it, you're like, what the fuck, dude? You're spilling water in the house everywhere. And then you look over, and your fucking kids are seeing it. You got to take some deep breath. And then you look over and your fucking kids are seeing it. You, you got to like take some deep breath.

You can't make it weird, but you better fuck. Even if you're not fucking calm yet, you better fucking like make sure that you unfuck that shit and apologize to your wife because they're going to get mates like that too. They're going to end up being attracted to someone who treats their mate like that. And you, right.

And you want, and you want the best for them. So they better see you're going to teach them the skill on how to be an asshole. You better also teach them the skill. What's on the opposite side of that, humbleness, apology. It's the same thing if you're gossiping with people. If I gossip to you that I saw Asia stealing from 7-Eleven and then later on I find out he wasn't stealing from 7-Eleven.

He actually paid for it. I got to call you back and tell you that. I can't just leave the shit fucking like dangling in the air. I think it's interesting you say communication. I was trying to figure out if my wife and I have good communication. I don't know if we do.'s definitely sufficient um but but but longevity has been huge for us we were together for i don't know 10 or 20 years 20 i don't know 15 we were together for i guess we had kids when i was 43 and i met her when i was 23 so we had kids we knew each other for 20 years never planned on getting married never planned on having kids i'd be

curious asia if your dad's happy he got married because when i finally we had avi and then we got married for the same reasons for tax reasons but right after we got married we just went to a courthouse i was so happy yeah i'm i never thought i'd feel comfortable calling her my wife and now it's like a second nature as um being a dad it's a trip yeah he was he was elated he Yeah, he grew up in a family that believed in that as well. But obviously, in the relationship, you're going to want to support the opposite party and what they want. It's not that my mom didn't want marriage, but she didn't essentially want marriage. I mean, she was kind of like I was, where it's I'm committed to you and this is what

we're doing. But I think my dad really believed in marriage and the bond that it creates and after they did get married i think he was very excited i know for a fact he was very excited and elated about it um yeah it was a powerful moment for them to do that even if it was tax purposes but it's something that i think he saw his parents do at an early age and it was something that he soaked in i believe that was important to him and so when he did that it was it was it was a positive moment that fentanyl kicked in hard for pat you see that did you see him frozen hey i think of my i think of my relationship with my wife as the crown jewel of my life. It's my, it's my,

it's my ultimate accomplishment or it's my, I don't know if accomplishments the right word, but does that resonate with you at all? Just like, it's my, it's like my ultimate bank. All my energy there spent there is wise money. It's smart money. I completely agree. It's the foundation of, of the relationship. And I saw a good friend of mine, Dr. Sean pursuit post this the other day. And I, and I, I thought it was amazing, but it's like, you know, you're the husband and the wife's relationship is priority to the children.

So his wife is number one. Kids are number two. Yes, yes, yes. It's counterintuitive because your feelings might be for your child, but if you truly care about your child, you'll, yes. Totally. I mean, in my relationship, if the bond between my wife and I isn't strong, it's not romantic, it's not there,

like nobody's happy. If mom ain't happy and nobody happy, it's not there. Um, like nobody's happy. You know, if mom ain't happy and nobody happy, it's so true. Right. Right. Uh, another thing is, is this, um, to give a really objective example for people. If you see your wife, I'm doing something to your kids that you don't approve of, like yelling at them for, um, uh, having a dirty room or yelling at, let's say they're, they're, uh, she's told him to get in the car 10 times and now she's raised her voice and you don't like the way she's treating her kids. You don't go fucking attack your wife. You don't be like,

Hey, why are you talking to them like that? You never, obviously she's, she's not beating them with a fucking belt, but you go in there and you say, but you, you say you,

you show the kids that you're first of all, for two reasons, for your relationship and also for your kids, your kids want to know that the parents are a team. So your goal is in one stroke to defuse the situation, but let them also know that you're with your wife and your wife feels supported. So one of the things I like to do is like, they're going to go in there and be like, boys, what have you done that's aggravated mom so much? Clearly, I know she loves you to death and she doesn't want to be raising her voice to you. What have you guys done guys done how many i've heard her tell you five times to go to the car and then they scramble and then i give my wife a kiss and we go on our way but but it is tempting to go in

there right because they're yelling you know and i think more so for the moms and the dads my wife would sees me sometimes getting angry at my kids and she wants to come in and just directly talk to me right away right in front of the kids. Hey, hey, what are you doing? But she doesn't. Show you're a fucking team. And then afterwards talk when they're not gone. Hey, dude, come up with something better than pulling his ear. I don't like that shit.

Yeah. You know? Comes back to the communication piece, not just communicating with your kids, but communicating with your wife. Right. And then modeling that this is a collaboration on how you're raising your children. Because then I think it comes down to, you know, the kids don't go to mom or dad for one specific thing.

They know that they're both on the same page. And if you're raising your children, both on the same page and having those conversations offhand, even in the moment, you know, Pat brought up a really great example is like, you know, there might be fights or arguments or whatnot, but explaining that to the children versus or you brought that up, right? Explaining that to the children, or letting them see the makeup afterwards, right? See the the heat of the conversation, but then also get the explanation of what's going on and see the makeup afterwards.

I mean, it's just a, it's a consistent streamline of communication that leads to a healthier, stronger, more loving relationship. And if the children can see that within their mother and their father, they're going to model that within their future relationships, but also with their mother and father as well, which I think is extremely important the modeling yeah that's what the word i was looking for modeling you said it um uh that's exactly what it is so after i say to my wife hey you're spilled water all over the floor i have to be like hey that was inappropriate the way i spoke to you i should have just run to the a good team player would have run to the laundry room gotten some rags and help you clean it and giving you a kiss. And I apologize. Yeah, you got it. Even if I don't want to say that, I say it. Because I do know, on the other hand, it is the right thing to do.

Like, what's yelling at someone for spilling water on the floor going to do? Yeah. That ain't fixing shit. Those are the, in my opinion, those are the most mature, most powerful relationships. The one that have the possibility to last the longest are the individuals that make up that relationship are egoless. They're not afraid to take ownership. They're not to admit when they're wrong, but they're also not afraid to speak up when they believe something is right.

And that happens on both parties. Because then in the instances that you talked about, if you feel like you're in the wrong, you're not afraid to speak up and accept that. But it's the same on the opposite end. And as long as that communication stream is consistent, that is what's going to allow these relationships to endure. But then this is what you want to show to your children. 100%. Because at the end of the day you want them to pick pick uh you want them to have happy relationships excellent and excuse me exactly

and the only as they're youthful like the only opportunity or the most opportunistic time they see what relationships look like is how the mom treats the dad and how the dad treats the mom and then they model that within their relationships, their friends or brothers or siblings, whatever. I was somewhere the other day and I saw a mom, a child be rude to a parent. And the parent yelled back at the kid, maybe yelled too strong, but got sassy back, bickered back to the kid. And then there were two other adults there who also chastised the kid for speaking to their mom that way. And, and I felt like the mom was too heavy handed to the child.

And I thought to myself, when you do, when you do that, you're teaching that boy to find a mate who would undermine him in front of other people. Like I would never want – even if my kid was in the complete wrong and he was a total asshole to my wife, I wouldn't want my wife to chastise him publicly so that then he – even nuances like that so that he later would think, oh, I need to find a woman who will chastise me in public who would betray me in public i would want him her to be like um come over here obby and pull him to the car and fucking stare into his soul and fucking let him know you better never disrespect me in public ever again you know what i mean but not but to do it in private right because like for me one of my my most important things in my relationship is um is for my wife and I to be strong out in public. All fighting happens behind closed doors.

We never show a kink in our armor. Yeah, that's tough, man. Yeah, it is tough. We've all had those moments where we say something or we act a specific way and we regret it completely. Right, oh, for sure. But you learn from it, you know? Yes. sure but you learn from it you know yes i i like early on in in having children like there were moments where i acted without thinking i let my emotions get the best of me and that really hurt

my children or hurt my uh my son and my wife would pull me to the side and talk to me and i don't i don't think you should have done that. And then me as a father has the decision to say, okay, I can be stubborn and say, no, you're wrong. Like I did that and whatnot. Or I can eat my pride. I can apologize to my son. I can communicate and explain to him what happened and why I'm sorry for what happened and tell him that I will be better in the future to handle those situations. And I think that's so powerful from a parent standpoint to be able to accept, apologize, take ownership, and then learn from that experience. And if those things aren't happening between the years, that could be some dangerous things that exist within the person,

within the parenting experience. It's interesting you say that. It me a while to, to, to figure this out, but I have two different parenting styles when my wife's around and when she's not around. And so, so let's say, let's say for lack of a better word, let's say my aggression level, when my wife is around, if my aggression level goes over five, the kids will cry. When my wife's not around, if my aggression level when my wife is around if my aggression level goes over five the kids will cry when my wife's not around if my aggression level goes to 10 they're still not crying and so i've learned to and and my wife can handle different amounts too and i just remember the

stuff my dad used to do to me that i kind of cherished like if if i was being naughty and he was holding my hand he would squeeze his fingers together until i would say ow but then i would come back later and ask him to do it again to me you know what i mean even though it was my punishment i wanted to feel that again and i it's just and and so those it's funny there's things that my wife doesn't maybe understand as much and i think she tries to but there's things my wife doesn't understand as much. And I think she tries to, but there's things my wife doesn't understand as much about maybe a father's relationship with her kids versus, versus a mom's. Like, I think my, my boys enjoy when I'm around, we can wrestle really hard and they enjoy getting tossed up and

just hammered. Right. But if my wife's around, I could go 20% strength and they start crying. I'm like okay i get it yeah you know it's a it's a there's a different vibe in the house when mom's there and they look at her and shit you know what i mean like save me yeah yeah yeah yeah there's something to that pat welcome back yeah good to see you but but but asia i didn't mean to dismiss half the time my wife is right like i did something that was just like hey dude you exploded she'll be like dude you exploded on me didn't give a fucking chance and i'll be like yeah you're right and then i go back and tell my kids hey

dude you deserve better than that i can and i can do better totally yeah you know the great thing about that too is the more that you have that communication or those instances where you do f up yeah and your significant other lets you know that you f up instances where you do f up yeah and your significant other lets you know that you f up like and you could speak to this you realize that happens less as you go along the parenting journey yes because you were corrected for your wrongdoings or whatever those might be and the person that you believe in the most the the person that is walking this journey collaboratively with you has talked to you correctly. You've owned up on it. Like these things happen less, you learn from them. But if that doesn't happen,

they happen on a repeated basis. And I think that's what leads to a lot of these, you know, toxic relationships or toxic parenting or whatever you might want to call them. Cause there's no communication line there. There's nobody that's owning up to things. There's no, Hey, I think you should have done this better. And it has to be done in private. no one wants to feel teamed up on no one want the dad never wants to feel like it's mom and the three kids against them like dad fucks up oh did a bird just fly through your office i just saw a bird fly behind you asia no i think it was maybe a fly

oh that was a giant fly. Pat, I think you and I were talking about this before you left. Yesterday, the timing was perfect. Yesterday, I love watching when my wife comes home. I'm watching my boys look at her. So yesterday, my wife came home. It was like 8.30 at night. We were in the driveway fooling around and she pulls up and when she gets out of the car i like looking at my boys that look they give her and last night was the first time i'm like oh i'm gonna start emulating

that i'm gonna look at her the way they i mean they're so fucking excited to see her or you know when you're somewhere like you're at the beach with your kids or you're somewhere and they don't expect mom to come and she shows up and you just see them fucking like, they can't even believe it. It's like donuts showed up. And I was like, yeah, that's how I want to see my wife, like how they see her. And I was like, last night I just had that thought. That's awesome. I mean, the fact that you gained that perspective on it.

that you gain that perspective on it. I think if we can view our wives in the life-giving light that the kids view them, that's probably a good call. Yeah, that's a good word, life-giving light. Pat, can you give us a little 360 of where you're standing? Sure. I'm standing up here on top of my pool house thingy. The internet is down below, which is why I'm out here. on top of my pool house thingy. This is the, the internet is down below,

which is why I'm out here. For some reason, the one in my house decided to disconnect. I've got back there. There's 150 acres of organic brandy grapes. They're not mine, but it's my neighbor. And my satellite dish is up in there.

You know, area. That's the only reason this place gets better up in their, you know, area. That's the only reason this place gets better internet. Oh, you, what kind of internet do you have? Who's your provider for that? And the sticks,

uh, his name is Ken. I have Ken, the internet dude. And literally we had dude, he's, he sold his company. He's the most hilarious.

He's like a polyamorous 60-year-old walking farter. Awesome dude. And he like literally I couldn't find internet out here. And someone was like, have you spoken to internet Ken? And I was like, who? And this guy set up his own 150-foot tower at his house, pays for a gigabit stream from the local shortwave antenna, and then broadcast it to the neighborhood

and then you pay him directly. So I literally have Ken. That's who I have. Oh, that's awesome. Olsen dudes, just saw the notification of these two awesome OGs. Have a phenomenal day, gents. Thank you, Mr. Olsen. Ken Walters, and when you fight 99

out of 100 times two days later, you never remember why you were arguing. I'm betting with all of us, we're trivial, meaningless things. 100%. 100%. Yep. Jeremy Eat World. Seve's too big time for it, but Pat in Asia, we'd love to have some of these shared experiences in the...

We Be You's dad's group. Pat knows what I'm talking about. Asia, we'd love to have some of these shared experiences in the We Be You's dad's group. Pat knows what I'm talking about. We Be Us dad's group. Oh, We Be Us. Oh, thank you. Shit. Thank you. It's like Toys R Us. That's Mr.

Wes Pyatt's group of dads chatting. Yeah, Jeremy loves that group. They're the ones he went to Yosemite with, right? Yes. What about when my wife got pregnant and I was looking at her

and she was growing the baby inside of her, the whole entire time, I never told her her this i was terrified for her about how she's going to uh how that baby's gonna get out were you were you guys tripping on that were you guys and did you tell her that or do you just keep that in i just pushed it in i'm like did you not ever let those words come out of your mouth uh were you guys tripping on that like what the fuck how's this thing gonna get out no no i wasn't you weren't either no you weren't like scared for her like you would if you were pregnant you wouldn't you don't think you'd be terrified or you would but you just still weren't scared for her i was so scared for my wife i never let her know though i hit it i don't know i was really looking back because of the role that my my wife is in and

all of the experience that she has like being a doula being a part of birth fit like i was relatively fearless along the journey because like i didn't feel there was never a step along the way where i was like questioning anything she was kind of driving I shouldn't say she was kind of she was absolutely taking the steering wheel and navigating me along this journey and I think that like that allowed me to really focus on how I could support her and how I could do things that didn't really revolve around I guess carrying or holding the baby but like supporting her to make sure that I was fueling and feeding her appropriately, that she was getting her rest, that she was feeling beautiful, feeling love, that we were, you know, keeping our, you know, our romantic relationship.

And I think that from a husband or a father standpoint is so powerful that I don't have to like worry about a lot of those things as far as like, are we going to have a birth at a hospital or birthing center? Are we going to have a midwife or a doula along these process? And the more people that we brought into that, that were friends and very tenured, um, people within that birthing industry, it just allowed me to have more and more confidence to know that we were in the right hands and I could do the things that I felt I was skillful in. Did she handle all of that? She handled all that? All of that. Like the, like the bird, like, like the birthing stuff, like just like picking the doula, picking the midwife, where you're going to have the baby, like all that shit, order the pool or the dish, whatever. Like I like, yeah, a hundred percent. And that was, that was an amazing part of our our first birthing experience

and journey was like i didn't i wasn't i didn't have to she would she would loot me in to get my two cents or my opinion on things but she was all she already knew the birthing experience she wanted these are the things that she wanted to do like knowing my wife and knowing how strong of an individual she is like i didn't for one moment fear that like what was going to happen was going to happen and i felt that the people that were on our team were a lot more experienced in tenure than i was to where if something bad or wrong did happen they would be able to step in and then i could support her from the from the vantage point that i could support her in but then i'm also in the firm believance of like if it

happens it happens and we deal with it when it does happen but we control what we can control and that's preparing for the birthing experience we want but what happens within the birthing experience this is what is going to happen yeah my wife did all that too. I didn't do, I just like, I just did common sense shit. Like what? Just like, like, um, the,

you know, you're, you're just in the, all those meetings with the doulas and the midwives and they'll be like, Hey, you should have grapes and you should have water and you should have, so then I'm just writing that shit down. And then,

and then you just make sure it's there or there. You know what I mean? I didn't like, um, yeah.'re like they're like hey when she's having the baby push here and here and make sure the skin doesn't tear and i'm like fuck i could do that and just kind of like but i didn't have any of my own i don't know i i absolutely loved the experience i loved the whole journey but it was just crazy how little I had to do. It's a supportive role. It's exactly what you had mentioned.

It's like being present at those meetings. I have conversations with women who their husbands don't feel that it's important enough for them to step into those meetings. That's one of the most important things you can do along this journey is show your wife that you give a shit enough to be a part of that and write down notes to feed her grapes or to do the perinatal massages and then execute on those things. Right. Because the wife needs to understand that like this is a collaboration, like we're going through this together. And I can't tell you how often I hear stories of women who feel alone in the journey. And a lot of that leads to postpartum depression, you know, how their birthing experience is if they're holding a lot of stress and

they're not able to surrender. And so from the vantage point of like a husband, it's like, like the greatest role that you can play in that experience is to support the shit out of your wife and to prioritize or put her on a pedestal. If she wants to work out or exercise and you know, something's going on where you can't do your workout or exercise, cool, let her. Because this is about her, and it's about supporting her as much as you can.

More times than not, that's going to lead to the birthing experience you both want. We did a birthing class. And for anyone who's interested, it also does those and we definitely would have gone through birth fit if we knew about it at the time a birth fit is an incredible resource for all that stuff but we did a birthing class and i'll remember the teachers like hey once you have a plan in place it's the husband's job to help the wife execute on that plan and i'll give you one of the examples is is let's say your wife wants to um we were originally going to have the baby in the hospital and let's say your wife wants to have a natural birth and she doesn't want to get the

epidural or the Pitocin. So what they, they tell you to do as the, uh, husband is if anytime your wife decides that she wants that stuff, you're to, you're to remember what her plan is and kind of get, figure out a way to get everyone out of the room and buy her 30 seconds alone with you or a minute alone with you to work on some breathing or work on a plan so it would go like this the doctor would be like hey um uh you you've been in labor for too long it's time to give you a you know pitocin or something and you're to say okay um can everyone leave i want to have some time alone with my wife because that like for instance that may stress your wife out because now her plan's not going according to plan and And so they all that shit was great. Right. And that's your that was at the time when I when I was taking the class, that shit wasn't comfortable for me.

I was like, I don't want to do that. But I wrote all that shit down. And and we did we eventually she just had the baby on the living room floor. still was valuable to me you still know i still knew that i i at that point i need to be like full on guard for my wife in every single fucking way i'm there to protect her if there's an earthquake and the ceiling falls on her i'm there if someone says something stupid i'm there to um and i'll feed her nurture her like basically you're just um you're everything to them there i guess they're so fucking vulnerable you I guess they're so fucking vulnerable. They're so fucking vulnerable. The most vulnerable human being probably can be at that moment.

More vulnerable than the baby. And so I guess I never thought of it like that. But your job is to make sure that there's no – even your thoughts have to be pure. She can't feel any – your job is to make it so that she feels completely safe being vulnerable, right, so that the baby can come out. I guess that would be it. She's the workhorse in that environment, and she's not always thinking clearly. She's not sensible. She's not the brain of the operations.

Right. But she's so focused. I mean there's – I can't fathom what the woman is going through in that moment when she's going through labor, birthing a child. But they're not thinking right. I always describe it as my wife went away. Like when she had the twins, she had the baby. Then she came back. And then a few hours later, I'm like, oh, shit, you're leaving again.

She goes, I am. And then she went back to that place. And it's like, fuck, they're not even here. And so you have to be that one. Because if not you, then who? Right. There's a lot of pressure in those situations who right there's a lot of pressure in those situations and there's a lot of choices that might be had if you're not there stepping up and resorting

back to the plan i think that's why it's so great to have a doula in this situation too because when i think of even us knowing the information and knowledge and experience that we did if we were to have another child we'd be a lot more empowered with information a lot more confident in that setting but like a doula is like two or three times that where there's somebody to lean on who knows and shares your same birthing values knows and shares your same birthing plan where they're the the other sensible ones within that moment help the mom make the best decision for her and the experience that they want pat did you ever think you were going to lose taz with baby number four did it flash through your head like oh shit

i'm i'm gonna be a single dad with three with three or four kids uh yeah i did uh that was that was uh that was it was very fast as i said it happened so quickly, but there was a, there was a very short period of time where, uh, I was like, it came cause I didn't know what was happening. Uh, and then when I figured it out, I was like, Oh shit. Were you in the room? You were in the room. And then all of a sudden I'm sitting there and they gave, they're like, we'll send someone in with scrubs. And I was like, why would I need scrubs? And, and then I'm sitting there and then the cleaners came into the room that I was sitting in and it was dead quiet. It went from like ultimate chaos to dead quiet. And I was sitting there just like, what's happening? And then I look in the hallway and there's nobody in the hallway. And then I, and there's nobody in the entire birthing center. And like one woman comes up and she comes down to me and she's like, Hey, uh, I was like, my wife would want me there. And she was like, your wife's under. Uh, and I was like under, Oh, great. You know, I was like, cool. She's under, that means she's not worried about me. Uh, but then I was like, wait, why is my wife under? You know, like the, cause they didn't tell me what was happening. So in that moment, I kind of sat there and was like, if she's under like shit could be going really wrong. And I think that was probably the first genuine prayer that I've ever sent out.

Wow. Wow. Wow. I feel you. I feel you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not a. Like some dear god shit like dear god

yeah like like genuinely like just putting it out there with like utmost like honesty and just everything i could have like please anything help um and it was it was it was intense to say the least. And a lot of adrenaline and everything came up. And then a couple minutes later, they're like, your son's out. And I got to go in and my little brother showed up. And my little brother is a pediatric doctor here in town. And he came in with me and I got to be with my son. I got to hold my son, my fourth son for the first two hours of his life while my wife was still being worked on but like um yeah i know i held him for a bit and then i got nauseous and i had to go vomit you know it was so such a release of uh endorphins and whatnot so oh from that it was just so fucking intense your body

just fucking ejected totally it was like i i got like i was sitting there and i started getting really hot holding my son and i was like hey i'm I'm going to take off my sweatshirt. Can you hold them for a second? And they held them and I was like, I'm really hot. And they're like, you're going to pass out. I'm like, I'm not gonna pass out. I'm a vomit. Can I please have a trash can? And they were like, what? No, you're gonna pass out. And they freaked out because they thought I was going to pass out. And I was like, Nope. And so they brought over a trash can and I vomited. Then I felt great. And like, if from there, like, as soon as I like, That's so nice that you felt great. I'm so glad it ended like that. It did. I like vomited everywhere. And then I like stood up and I was like, I was good to go after the vomit.

Um, and my son, you know, like woke right. It was almost like I let go of all of that. And then he came to life more. And then Taz came out of the room and it was, it was heavy.

But, uh, yeah heavy but yeah that was hard it was scary when one of the twins was born he came out not breathing and he came out with his hand on his head like this and my wife was on all fours when he came

out so she couldn't see him and i was holding the first twin and he was in in the the the midwife was holding him and he was gray like like like this like silver gray it was crazy didn't look like it like look like a shitty dead halloween baby like you'd see it in front of someone like a look like a prop and she was holding the baby like this and it it's, he was so limp. His hands were touching behind his back. It was fucking. And they looked at me,

the, the two midwives or the three midwives looked at me, the three wooden midwives looked at me and they shook their head. And now tears are pouring out of my eyes. And my wife looks up at me and she goes, is everything okay? And I go, yeah,

I'm just really excited. And then they, they, they said they put the baby on my wife's back and they told her okay talk to your baby and then they fucking resuscitated the fucking kid they which was like looked like this equipment from like 1914 it was like a turkey baster squeezer with just like a plastic cup on the kid's face yeah and the kid came alive and i thought pat um i thought for sure the kid was dead i started i heard the story start up in my head, actually.

You lost a baby in birth. It was fucking intense. And then 90 seconds later, the baby was breastfeeding. Yeah, I thought it was like 20 minutes, but later on I looked at the journal, I looked at the midwife's notes, and the whole thing happened in 90 seconds from the baby not breathing, being gray, to breastfeeding. It was nuts. Wild. Freaking wild.

Crazy. Yeah. Just something to echo on what you guys were saying earlier, that having someone in birth to advocate for you, just like Asia was saying, like a doula. We had a really amazing midwife who was a know, is a family friend who would come to each one of the births, but just someone who's advocating for you guys, because you don't always get the doctor that you set up with. Yeah. I mean, it's cool to be able to advocate for yourself, but somebody who's been to hundreds and thousands of births, you know, like that's a, that's a, that's a big thing in your corner. If you can swing it and make that happen, it's a,

it's really helpful to have someone who advocates for you huge that's the word and that is the word sorry that great advocate and yeah the husband should be her number one advocate mine was and i felt so loved and protected and safe yeah if you absolutely saying if you can find a professional advocate like someone who who who's like basically meeting with your wife once a week for the three or four months building up to the birth and knows what your wife wants. Dude, so awesome. Yeah, I agree. Did you have your baby at home, AJ?

The first baby we had at the birthing center, then the second baby we had at home. And why did you switch to home? My wife wanted to, and she felt super confident based on our first one that she could. And it was her optimal and ideal birthing experience to have the child at home. We had just moved into our new house, and it was a perfect opportunity for us to do it, and that's exactly what she wanted to do. And that baby came fast, very, very fast. Like I was filling up the tub with water and everything. And she couldn't even get it. You know, she couldn't even get in the tub to have, she had it on the bed, but I'd say

probably 90 minutes from labor to delivery was how quick Ruby came. Wow. Yeah. What was your longest labor, Pat? Your wife's longest labor? Longest labor was the first one, so it got progressively shorter. Even the placental abruption was a shorter labor. But I think longest labor was like 10 hours or 11 hours, something like that. When my wife had the twins, it ended up being 25 hours. And it's funny because I had some concerns about my stamina for labor. Like something that maybe I've never even consciously thought before or said. But now that we're thinking about it, I had some concerns about my stamina.

Like how am I going to stay up all night? Like I'm a pussy. I'm going to need to sleep. Yeah, that was probably my biggest concern. Oh, it was? Okay. But it never became an issue for me yeah like i was i was like i don't even think i slept the next day after the babies were born i think i both times i stayed up for like 36 or 48 hours like it was nothing like better than any drugs i had ever done it was crazy i was fading

on our first one but then we took like a small minuscule nap on the bed together. And that just like re-energized me, but that was my biggest concern was like, okay, we're going to labor from night through the morning. Like, I don't even know if I could be up for this. Well, I did that too. You're right. If my wife had downtime, like during the labor or something, then I would take downtime with her. her yeah i would just fucking get fetal position right next to her yeah exactly but but i was really surprised like from like midnight to four in the morning just flew by it wasn't like i was bored or i was like it needed something it was just like blink of an eye and it's fucking over i was like holy shit that was a fast four hours

i wonder how anyone does do it without a dual and a midwife. You know, one of the, I'll tell you the, one of the reasons why we switched from the hospital to home birth was a kind of what Pat was saying. I said to the doctor at one point, I said, Hey, so when we do the birth and she said, I'm not going to be, I don't know if I'm going to be here. And she got all short with me and I go, Oh, what do you mean? You're her doctor. And she goes, I can't be at every birth. I don't know when they're gonna happen and just the way she said it like I should have known I was like all right there were like two or three things like that and I'm like we're not we're not I don't I don't feel like this is you know what I mean I don't feel like this is a team effort

and I wanted it to be a team effort so yeah yeah I I can't recommend a doula or a midwife someone who you know is going to be there was there always a doula or midwife with you pat for your wife all four kids uh well the the the three kids uh we always had the same midwife oh awesome uh and then wife. And then our fourth kid, she wasn't available. And so she was actually birthing her daughter's son. So she was doing her grandchild at that time. So she was out of town. So we ended up having nobody there in the most horrific one. But our doctor actually finally made it that time. So we had our – Taz is actually OB who's awesome, who did the surgery and stuff. I actually made her a knife as a gift.

Oh, that's cool. Which was kind of on the nose. It was what? It was on the what? She advocated for us. On the nose. It was on the nose what we, she advocated for us on the nose. It was on the nose to make her a knife as a gift. I don't get it on the note. Oh, because I got,

I'm losing the RFI. Got it. No, no, no. I got it. I got it. I got it.

Cause the baby had to be cut out. I'm a little slow to the game. Uh, I, I cannot imagine, um, doing it without a doula or a midwife. Well,

I get, I guess to be honest with you, I think now I could just do it with my wife. I know that maybe sounds pompous, but I don't know. Did you guys ever get woozy at all? I enjoyed the whole fucking process. I liked all of it. I liked watching the baby come out. I liked watching her deal with the shit. I mean, there were some

emotional ups and downs but i was fully intrigued like it was i was never um i never wanted to leave i never had any like okay i'm done with this shit yeah no i i there wasn't a point in there where i was woozy or hey i need to step out of the room. I mean, I wasn't like actively like watching the baby coming out and, you know, I was more supporting her, you know, hip squeezing, rubbing her shoulders, whatever it was, then the baby pops out, the baby pops out. Um, I think one thing that I probably would have got squeamish with was like, if there, uh, you know, she had a small grade tear with Kai.ai yeah i don't want to watch you sew that up like i don't know if i could watch that right so i mean that's obviously something that i wasn't

like what's going on but no point throughout the birth was i like all right i need to remove myself but you know i hear of a lot of gentlemen who can't can't stand in there because of seeing their wife or their significant other in pain or because i mean we all know like that's a level of yelling screaming pain discomfort that you're never going to see your wife in that's hard to take and it's hard to bear i enjoyed that part no i know i understand what you're saying i understand what you're saying and and um and immediately afterwards too then she gives birth to the placenta. And I don't – for whatever it's worth, I don't mean to be too graphic, but I enjoyed all that shit too.

I enjoyed looking at that. I enjoyed looking at the umbilical cord. I enjoyed touching that. I enjoyed holding the baby. I think if you don't get really up close and immerse yourself in that, you're missing an incredible opportunity that will bond you to the child for the rest of its life. Like just make everything richer. Did you guys keep that stuff? I have the umbilical cord. I was going to ask if you, did you, did you do anything with the placenta? I think my wife wanted to, and I was, I can't remember if she did. I know she wanted to, I can't remember if she did. I know she wanted to. I can't remember.

But I did get rid of it afterwards. You did get rid of it? Yeah. Pat fed it to a dog, I bet. Pat, did you feed it to a dog? I mean it's highly likely. They're right behind this gate right here. So yeah, we'll probably just send it to the dogs.

Just throw the placenta over. I don't know if I didn't remember or what, but I kind of felt sorry for them too afterwards. They have the baby, and then they got to birth the placenta afterwards. I just remember every time that happened, I'd be like, oh, shit. Yeah. Wait, you're not done. Yeah, right. I would presume, though, birthing the placenta is like nowhere near birthing the child,

but it's still like, oh, I thought I'm done. Nope, you're not done. Right. They do that belly massage, the uterine massage though which looks painful as because they've just given birth and they've gone through that whole thing and then they got someone in there doing this deep uterine massage that's like i do not envy that i do not envy that whole process being that person hey Hey, it was a pleasure hanging with you. I feel like we could do this again. It's funny.

This morning I was like – we didn't even talk about the stuff that I wanted to talk about. I was like, I wonder how this is going to go. We got Pat on here last minute. And I'm appreciative for BirthFit encouraging this. This was kind of their idea. And originally, when I first got fired from CrossFit, I started a podcast that's called Meet the Parents, and I probably interviewed, I don't know, 15 sets of parents,

and then I stopped. And I kind of haven't revisited that. But it would be cool to have you guys back on. And I feel like this was more like us just getting together and saying hi again after a long time but maybe get back on and uh in the future and talk more share share stuff maybe even drill down to you know like change diapers what sports should your kids play how do you avoid them eating sugar just fun shit like that um all sorts of stuff it could be a whole show also on how to pick a mate i think congratulations to both of you um for um you know still being in your marriages i mean we

live in a time when people aren't marriages maybe we can talk about uh those types of things too if you guys are open to that i would love it i think those are great topics cool uh pat uh you are always uh powerful strong vulnerable uh handsome and generous with your time thank you uh love having you on you're a great dude uh asia uh our paths will cross again uh please thank the people at uh birth fit for encouraging this podcast and uh i'll be in touch and hopefully we'll reschedule something soon we'll do thanks for the opportunity guys we'll see you all right guys ciao oh i like that uh eric wise thank you these are the conversations dad dads need to have and want to hear really i can't tell though i'm a little uh matt burns uh in some cultures fathers eat the foreskin after circumcision

savvy did you partake my kids aren't circumcised i don't do uh genital uh mutilation um that was good i had no idea how that was gonna go i don I don't really, I haven't talked to Pat, like Pat talk. I haven't talked to Pat, talk to him, talk to him. I mean, I see him around town. I'll say hi,

like, you know, as we both pull up to an event or something, but, uh, it was cool. Kind of reigniting, um,

that relationship. So that was great. That was, that was really great. That went, um, I had no idea how that was going to go. I guess I never know how any of them are going to go.

All right. I support more Pat and Asia. I called him AJ at one point. Jesus Christ. Can you do this monthly? Dude, monthly is a lot. Squid Pro Quo. The dude took a pic of my LO during my C-section.

My LO. My LO. I don't know what an LO is. Lower ovary? Lower. lower ovary lower how does your wife feel about your boys not being circumcised on the eighth day oh is that some jew shit nah she doesn't care

there's a movie called American Circumcision where it talks about the history of Judaism and circumcision and all that stuff. If you're going to have a kid, I highly recommend you check it out. Oh, Eric Weiss, screw the games. I'll take Pat and AJ any day. AJ, Jesus, Asia. What the fuck is wrong with me? Asia, Asia, Asia, Barto, Asia. fuck is wrong with me asia asia asia bartow asia

uh jeremy world eric that was a very we be us ask bunch of amazing shared experiences yeah watching your wife have a baby is kind of cool i really enjoyed it i guess i i guess i guess i could have gotten squeamish i just didn't I could have gotten squeamish. I just didn't. I really just vomit and poop. The smell of vomit and poop can kind of make me weird. But there were no smells.

Nothing smelled. So. All right. Oh, little one. Took a picture of your little one. The dude took a pic of my little one during my C-section. Oh, you mean like your baby's open and the baby's just sitting in there? The stomach's open and the baby's just in there? Yeah, that's intense.

How the fuck am I supposed to know LO is little one? Who knows that? Do people know that? Uh-oh. What's going on here? Uh-oh. What is that? What is that?

I don't know what that is. Where is that shit. Where is that? Shit, where is that? Oh. Oh, shit, I got to go. Okay, guys, bye. I'll see you tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning we have Jesse Bafano on, I believe.

That is the strength coach up in Canada of Emily Turner and Justin Medeiros. I'll talk to you guys soon. Love you guys. Bye-bye.