The Sloppy Boys - 42. Piña Colada

Episode Date: August 6, 2021

The guys blend up a vacationer's favorite hailing from pineappley Puerto Rico.PIÑA COLADA RECIPE 1.75oz/50ml White Rum 1oz/30ml Coconut Cream 1.75oz/50ml Pineapple JuiceBlend all ingredients with ice in an electric blender, pour into a large glass and serve with straws. Garnish with pineapple slice and a cocktail cherry.Recipes via the International Bartenders Association (https://www.iba-world.com/) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Folks! Welcome to the Sloppy Boys We're... You gotta leave it in Oh no Welcome to the Sloppy Boys where we take a deep dive into the drinks that you love. I'm Jeff Dutton, along with that rap scallion, Mike Hanford. This is how we do it. And Tim Kalbakis.

What is up, Caribbean stylies? Oh, Tim, I thought you were going to maybe a shoe, a scooch away from your usual thing and go, this is how we do it. You know, if you revisit these episodes, sometimes I do, I hear what Mike says, and then I, on the fly, build off it. This time I heard you, you said, this is how we do it.

And I thought, should I take this to new heights? And I said, no. I'm sort of thinking like, you know, there's Timothy Jordan Kalpakas, Montel Jordan Kalpakas. You could have done that sort of thing. I guess I never really followed his name

all the way to the completion. Tim, are you related to Timothy Chalamet at all? No, but I'm related to Donna Kalpakas. Did you ever as a joke spell your name with the Aksante goo? Um, no, but I'm, I'm related to, um, Donna Kelpakis. There we go. Did you, did you ever as a joke, spell your name with the, with the accent a goo?

I, that would be a good joke. What if I did it? What if you did? Even if you just like wrote it down right now and showed us, that would be funny. I don't know if I feel, if I'm in the mood to write an a-goo right now. I'll do the E's, but I'm not going to do an accent a-goo. I've never heard that term before. A-goo, that's the E with the...

It's French. That's the accent over the E that goes upward. Hey. And the other one that goes down is an accent grave. Go down. Because it goes down to the grave. is an accent grave. We're going down.

Because it goes down to the grave. Did you know that Led Zeppelin did the jingle for that other accent? He's like, we're going down. I remember in the 70s, like mid to late 70s, there was a lot of bands promoting accents on grammar. It was the British Board of Grammar was trying to get the word out. Motley Crue did the umlaut. That makes sense. They should have got Husker Du to do that one.

Yes. Yes, they should have. Here we are sitting around. Yeah, well, maybe we should get into that you-know-what. Bit it bit. Bop it. The reporter has been drinking. And the podcast is a mess.

The patrons have all abandoned ship. The sloppy boys are all undressed. The reporter has been drinking. What once were ones and zeros are now ones and twos. The reporter has been

drinking booze news. Booze news. It's booze news, you gin-soaked son of a bitch. I love how gentle that is. Yeah, that was an excellent. Gin-soaked son of a bitch.

Damn. I think that that was the real Tom Waits that sent that in. You guys know that song? My God. Oh, I thought it was maybe Heath Ledger's The Joker. I thought it was The Balls. The piano has been drinking is a Tom Waits song.

But this, and this Tom, that was Tom Waits doing a little parody for us, but it was sent to us by way of Kevin Wardleman. And if you've got a booze news theme, send it to the sloppyvoicepodcast

at gmail.com. That was a good one. Should I get into Tom Waits? I've never really listened to him. Yeah, start from the beginning. All right. Because there's a lot of cool stuff, but it's kind of hard to jump in when he's in a weird zone.

Is the beginning like the 70s for him or 80s? Yeah, like 72. Funny thing about Tom Waits that caught me off guard, I was a fan for, well, I guess I still have him. I used to listen to him a lot and when i was reading about him he's from san diego it's not gonna right on man that seems weird that's not like this this the piano-y loungy vibe i didn't think that that would be a san diego guy i picture him a chicago guy yeah there you go yeah So it's sort of like a Nighthawk at a diner. Yep. And Mike, you bring up the

Heath Ledger thing. Tim, you're aware of that, right? No. Heath Ledger apparently kind of took his joker from Tom Waits' appearance on an Australian talk show. Oh, I think I've seen this appearance and it's amazing. It's on YouTube. Yeah, well that's what we're talking about, Tim. So when you said Heath Ledger and then I corrected you and said Tom Waits, you were thinking Tim's dumb.

I thought Tim has the same touchstones we all have on the internet. We've all dealt with this. No, no. I know that Johnny Depp based Captain Jack Sparrow on Keef Richards. That's as far as I know about actors basing their broad performances on musicians. Well, you got to see this video.

It's great. Wild. It's like he does sort of like the weirder stuff, too, where he's kind of like he's talking into his armpit, and he's like, yeah, he's like a little snarly man. You want to know where i got these scars but then it's weird because at one point he's like where's rachel get it straight wait okay let's get into some real booze news huh okay we got some really good

booze news here which is that yeah I wanted to try something a little different. You know, some people like to get their news from the New York Times, right? But then there's other people like to, they go to the Daily. You know, they want a deeper dive. The failing New York Times. Jefferson! My ex-president used to say that. I get mine from the Drudge Report.

Mike. I don't know, is that the wrong thing you'll like don't say that if you oh is that i didn't know i don't really know no i don't know what that is i don't go fly fuck you if you're a drudge report no if you're a drudge report fan you you you probably are gonna like this because i'm going a little unconventional. And I said... I don't read the news. As you guys know, we've talked about this off pod. There is a new Bud Light seltzer that is out right now this summer.

Yeah, we can't fucking find it anywhere. The retro tie-dye pack. Yeah, where do you get it? Nobody, I mean, on the internet I'm seeing it everywhere. Yeah. And. But IRL, not to be found.

Well, we were talking about it because I found it on Instacart. But I was like, you guys are like, order it. And I was like, you know, I was going to order it, but I don't trust Instacart to even have this info right because they're all so similar. And our interest was piqued because, look, we're not going to do every seltzer in the goddamn world. We're talking about seltzer in here. But this nostalgia concept is interesting.

They've got the cherry limeade, the blue raspberry, the summer ice, tie dye. There's something cultural they're going for there. So I said, Timmy, let's get some of this shit. And I brought for you guys, cause I wanted to give you guys, you've offered booze news, but you're not the editor in chief. So you don't really, you don't really know what goes on in my day to day. Yeah. We're, we're out there. We're the scoops. You're out there on the beat, but I'm at home. I'm like putting on a pot of coffee and staying up all night in the bullpen, you know? Yeah, he's smoking cigars and barking.

He wants pictures of Spider-Man and all that stuff. Here's how little I'm involved in the process other than just getting stories. I didn't even know there was a bullpen. Yeah, I pay like a lot of rent for a downtown bullpen. I go there every day and drink whiskey and complain. But here, so

I did some investigative pounding the pavement on my own and I packaged it up as a booze news package and I'd like to play it right now. Ooh, exciting. Great. Here we go. Check check. hey folks this is cal pk here um i am on the hunt for the bud light seltzer retro summer tie-dye pack um i was in pasadena and i checked bevmo they didn't have it and then they said that no BevMo's had it. So now I'm back in LA just parked at the Hollywood

Boulevard Ralph's because this is where I always find the ugly sweater packs and the out-of-office packs. Let's see how I do. There are the seltzers and Well, I Am not seeing a motherfucker we're fucked walking into vaughn's with a fucking pit in my stomach feeling this is not Gonna go well, but I am nearing the seltzers and certainly, absolutely no. Party pack! Folks, it's looking like we're fucked. Oh, yeah!

Oh, you're not going to believe this shit. Oh, you're not going to believe this shit. I'm stuck here with one of these big bike rides with like 5,000 dorks and their little bikes rolling through. Complicating the whole thing as if my day wasn't already just so royally fun. Okay, this is getting insane. I just had that thing happen where I had a muscle spasm one of like one of my abs ceased up for no reason Albertson's Hail Mary and, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no. Last dish, Jaffer. Not feeling good here. White knuckled, pale as a ghost. Gonna try cap and cork. Oh, ooh. And... They don't got it.

Uh-oh. No! So I also did the scoring. I did the scoring for this. That's the end. You're like John Carpenter in that sense. Yeah.

My God, nothing, huh? No. Here's my theory. I think that they were pumping out so many special packs that were gross prank flavors. Yeah.

And distributors started to get stuck with specifically the out-of-office pack. And I walk around and I still see the out-of-office pack. I see sweater packs. Well, you see sweater packs? That's even worse. I've seen. Oh, around Christmas. I bet you whoever stalks Albertstsons is like we're not fighting

anymore for whatever fucking but light cells yeah i think you're right because every one of these places i went to you would think that the out of office pack is kind of fringy and it's like not even the strongest uh concept and they every one of these places did or most of them did still have like a giant stack of out-of-office packs. So maybe their rule is they don't want to take the new one until they got rid of the old shit. I hope someone's getting fired for that over at Bud Light Seltzer. Yeah, I heard that they're going to put Spuds McKenzie to sleep. Ouch, again?

Yeah. Well, that sucks, man yeah i appreciate you getting out there yeah it was good i needed the extras have you guys ever had that where my uh ab my top on my right this one ab neil would know about this because he's the one who campbell he documents our abs right right i was sitting in my car and it went and it shut down and i buckled forward and it was like i like sometimes when i yawn i'll have a muscle in my chin oh yeah yeah i have that i have that where like sometimes my like neck and chin will lock up and i'll be like no one's doing it again but it happens so rarely that you forget

it can happen yeah and then when it happens, you're like, I'm sick. It sucks so bad. It's like every year and a half it happens. And I'm like. Well, it happened to me in the car. And I'll be honest, like it left, like it unseized eventually. But I still like it left a little pain there. It's weird. Tim, you got to stop working out so much.

You spent all your time over at Muscle Beach in Venice Beach. Yeah, I know. But most of it is the commute. That's 90 minutes from my house. Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. You're kind of slouched over probably driving. Yeah, that's bad for the abs.

More crunches, less lunches. Well, I never heard that. Is that a phrase? If that's original, that's pretty amazing. Put that on a t-shirt. I got to say, you got a nice, healthy sound and blinker in that car, by the way. Yeah, it came in loud and clear. It's also where I think I put my phone on the dash.

Suggush! Suggush! Well, that's some negative booze news. I got some positive booze news. Oh, thank God. This is, I met a celebrity. Okay. Ooh. A celebrity in certain circles.

I met the Kanger last night. Oh, King Kang. King Kang came out. I was doing a show, a stand-up show in Bed-Stuy, and I'm sitting there. It was outside. It was at this kind of a cool place that we should play at sometime. It's like the barbecue place. Madison Square Garden? Yeah, no, a little farther from there.

Barclays? Even further. For anyone that doesn't know, the Kanger has made a lot of our best booze news themes, and we love his work. Yeah. So I'm sitting there going, what the hell am I going to do in this show? I've got some notes written down. I don't know. I'm going to figure it out. And I hear a, hey, Mike, next to me, I look up, person I've never met before, says it's me, Eric Kang, the Kanger. So we talked for a little while and it was great to see him. And I think he had fun at the show. He told me afterwards he left. Oh, that's fantastic.

It would suck if he hated the show. And he's like, oh, by the way, I'm changing it. He said he's got three more booze news in the hopper. Jesus. Send them in, Kanger. We love your work. Yeah. Yeah.

And everyone else, you're challenged to step up to that level. It's like when Paul McCartney knows that John Lennon is coming in with songs, Paul's going to step it up and he's, he's got to write, Hey Jude. Okay. And it's exciting for us to live in this like Renaissance of great booze news themes,

like the golden age of booze news themes is upon us. It started out, it started out okay, but now it really, really shot. It's really shooting them. Oh, you didn't like my originals?

Uh, they were good. They were good to set the tone, but, uh, it's shot. It's really shooting in the mood. Oh, you didn't like my originals? They were good. They were good to set the tone, but... It's funny to think of the meager. It was just... Oh, yeah, man. I wonder if somebody should kind of do a throwback to that era. Oh, yeah. Dude.

That would be fun. I love throwback shit, especially to earlier this year. Like when Lady Gaga did all those Tony Bennett songs. Oh, I love it. I listen to that album every day. That old shit. That was so nice of her. That was nicer to do, that old shit. Yeah, that was great.

Yeah, that old dumbass loved when she did that for her. So, met the Kanger. You know, love it. I will say this. Yeah, we already covered it. Step up your game, everybody. Kanger's on the case. Kanger's coming for you.

King Kang. King Kang. What do you say we discuss the drink of the day? Yes. Let's have a calm, honest discussion about the drink of the day. Tim, I'd love that. Let's keep it calm and honest and talk about the piña colada,

a.k.a. If you like piña colada. Mike. Stop. All right. I can sing the whole song if you want, but I'll stop. The piña colada, also known in, if you say it in English, strained pineapple.

Piña. Ugh. Colada. Strained? Yeah. Strange name, if you ask me. Oh, I think it's strained by pineapple. You've had?

I have had. The last time I had was in Hawaii in a fucking pineapple. Aloha. We had a bunch of them. We've had, we've all had plenty of these bad boys. Yep. Well, that is, you saying Hawaii, that supports my theory that I was going to submit to you guys that I would say this is the number one vacation drink. Because there's other vacation drinks that are tied to their homeland.

You're going to want to have a margarita when you're near Mexico, or you're going to do other things. If I'm in Singapore, I'm having a Singapore sling. But you're having a stout in bloody old England. Yeah. Tim, one of the last pina coladas I had, I threw up onto a sea turtle.

Oh, was this in Cancun? No, when I was surfing in Hawaii. One of the last pina coladas I had, I threw up onto a sea turtle. Oh. Was this in Cancun? No, when I was surfing in Hawaii. Oh, I didn't know there was a sea turtle there. Yeah, I puked on him. Well, he probably hates pina coladas now. He's like, watch it. I should have never come out of my shell today.

Okay, so you live in the shell? Yeah, it's like, it's akin to my house. I think this is the vacation drink. I think that it's very popular. Big famous drink that is like, interestingly, not

really part of the tiki scene because tiki people, tiki geeks, they like it. They call it a guilty pleasure, but they kind of think of it as a tourist drink and a beach drink because it's a little light on the rum. It doesn't have that Don the Beachcomber, like five rums and a lime and that type of shit.

Jeff just turned his Zoom screen straight down to his crotch and gave us an eyeful. What are we doing here, Jeff? You're trying to throw us off. You can't. Tim knows about the P&K. Get a load of this. Eat this.

Oh, you're talking about P&K. I don't look at my. Okay. Here's the story on the thing. The old. This is one of these drinks that has like an old legend, which is that in the 1800s, Puerto Rican pirate Roberto Cofresi gave his crew a drink made of pineapple, coconut, and rum.

He's a pirate. But then for the – hey, we should do like talk like a pirate day. Okay. All right. Thank you. I love that day. We should do that day. I mean that day would be funny.

I don't know what we would say but like I can only imagine it's a funny day I'm looking up when that is a couple land lovers like us yeah our matey's comes to mind anyway moving forward the modern pina colada that you know and love we're flashing to the 1950s

at the hotel Hilton Caribe in San Juan we're talking about the the Hotel Hilton Caribe in San Juan. We're talking about the first ever Hilton Hotel that was opened outside of the mainland United States. Wow. And. Cool.

Hey, look, I mean, aside from the fact that. His granddaughter. Conrad Hilton's great granddaughter is a little too promiscuous. Other than that. Yeah. This is a wonderful place. Yeah. A certain time in her life. She made the one video. Right than that, this is a wonderful place. Yeah, a certain time in her life she made the one video.

Right. A certain night in a certain place. Well, if you can keep that out of your mind, we're talking about a big, beautiful hotel. It was the setting for The Rum Diary by Hunter S. Thompson. Oh, cool. Which is cool for me because I'm kind of a gonzo writer. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, okay. The only thing you're a gonzo is in the nose. Much like the Muppet? That's right. Okay. You've got a big, long, twisty nose. And I'm always amorous towards chickens. Yeah.

Hey, that was weird. Go ahead. They're all different chickens, right? Or is it like Camille? I think he had one mane. Camilla? One mane. I think it was sort of a harem situation for him.

The other ones worked for him as his showgirls, I think. Yeah. You'd have to ask Gonzo. He was always planning magic stunt shows and stuff. But just shifting from Gonzo to Ramon Marrero, a.k.a. Monchito, I just learned this, that the nickname Monchito is short for Ramon. Mon, Monchito, little Mon. The nickname that's as long as the name. Yeah.

But it's kind of cute. He was the bartender in the 50s at this Hilton, and then the management told him to come up with a signature drink. This is sounding a lot like the other Hilton in Hawaii. Familiar. And he said, okay, I'll come up with a signature drink. And he was smart, and he thought, you know what just came out? Coco Lopez, that delicious canned coconut cream.

Have you guys ever had that? Uh-uh. No. I think you'd recognize the canned. It's really, really good sweet coconut cream that comes from Puerto Rico. And he took that stuff and he cooked up a certain little blended cocktail, which is a Sloppy Boy's first. We have not done this before.

That's kind of shocking after 40 shows. I can't think of what other blended drinks. We could have blended our margs, but the IBA told us not to. Daiquiri is the one I'm thinking of. And luckily, I just got a blender from Ben Axelrad. Nice. That's nice. I'm going to use my Vitamix, and I I don't just like whip it into a fucking frap.

I got a nice blackened decker over there. That'll be good. Looking right at it. So yes, of course, there are two other restaurants in Puerto Rico that lay claim to the drink. And yes, there's also long before any of this, there's a New York Times article that mentioned the drinks of Cuba and mentions Pina Colada. there's a New York Times article that mentioned the drinks of Cuba and mentions pina colada. But either way, the drink gets really big in the 60s, then huge in the 70s when a certain song comes out. Mike, how does it go? If you like pizza a lot. But work on the lyrics. And a pepperoni. It catches on as like a cruise ship classic. You know, it's in a big slushy machine right next to the strawberry daiquiri.

Oh, a CSC. That's right. This was a CSC. And then off of the cruise ship, me at 13 went to the Dominican Republic with my friend's family and sucked down a bunch of virgin pina coladas the whole trip like a weirdo. That's when I first had them. That was my first encounter and then and then i i became snobbier about tiki drinks and for a little while i was like i don't drink those but then i'm like they're so good uh i love them again and the ones we had

in hawaii were delicious yeah and uh and they're back in the roster um uh do you guys remember like first, do you remember first having them? No, no, I simply don't. Uh, I remember one of my first experiences drinking at all was parrot Bay in my friend's basement. So that's, uh, that's related, but I think my first true blue pina colada, I went on vacation to Mexico with my parents and, and uh they don't normally drink and you better believe they they were drinking piñas frozen ones all day and i never liked you jeff hey mom you've only taken one sip i meant to say that on the plane but that's maybe when i first started having them like,

oh, I'm going to have a couple of these by the pool. It's good for parents that don't drink a lot. This is going to be a nice, big, icy drink that only has a little bit of rum in it. It's pretty perfect for that type of thing. I always would steer clear of them because I don't like coconut stuff. But then every time I have one, I'm like, oh, yeah, these are good. It's a good balance. You got the, you got the sweet acid of the pineapple and then you got the, uh, flat milky coconut. Flatten it down as much as you can and run it with a roll it with a baking pan. Um, here are the ingredients straight from the IBA. We are back on the IBA today, folks.

50 milliliters of coconut cream, 50 milliliters of fresh pineapple juice, 30 milliliters of white rum. Blend all ingredients with ice in an electric blender, pour into large glass, and serve with straws. Note, historically, a few drops of fresh lime juice were added to taste. Four slices of fresh pineapple can be used instead of juice. Wow, that would be good. That's very pulpy.

Garnish with a slice of pineapple and a cocktail cherry. Wow. So this is all just going in the blender, whip it up. Right in the blender, whip it up. It doesn't say how long, but I would say whip the fuck out of it. The four slices of pineapple, you think they mean

those circles from the can? I think so, yeah. Probably. Well, I'm curious to see what you guys bought, but let's have that be a cliffhanger. Right. Yeah.

Ooh, one last question. Oh, one more thing. How much ice do I put in that blender with all that shit? Great question. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to build the drink in my glass, and then I'm going to dump the contents of the drink into the blender, and the same amount of matter should still exist after blending. No mass, no matter.

Gotcha. Okay. I like that idea. Before we head off, I just need to say that International Talk Like a Pirate Day 2021 is Sunday, September 19th. So it's coming up. We're doing it. That's going to be...

Get your eye patches and peg legs ready, mateys. Yep. See, we're already starting. Here we go. I can't wait. Okay, folks. We'll be right back. And we're back with Genius.

All right. Let's see yours. How are they looking? Pretty good. Okay. Mike's got the Montauk glass that you got for free, and then Jeff's got the Hurricane. Oh, beautiful.

Yeah, that looks pretty legit. Both of your guys look pretty good. I happen to have the exact glass that the IBA used, so I felt like it was official. Oh, that looks pretty legit. Both of your guys look pretty. You got that. I happen to have the exact glass that the IBA used, so I felt like. Oh, that's nice. You both have the umbrellas in there. Good. Oh, yeah. I even got a thing of pineapple,

like a little chopped pineapple bucket from Albertsons for my little garnish. That's very nice. I got a Luxardo in there. Mine doesn't look very smooth. Like it up close. Mine looks like it's got little chunks in it. What kind of blender you got? A Black & Decker. Oh, yes. Right. I need to run something by you guys. So I got my coconut cream and i put it in the fridge oh and it like

separated it huh it was disgusting i i opened it up and it was like a hard thing like because it's got coconut milk in it yeah the fat yeah and it's separated and like i'd like bust through that and there's this like sludgy stuff you You punched through, and you're like, hello down there! Yeah, we'll get you! But it was like, one of those things where I was like, is this called rotten? What is this? But it's good until 2024. Yeah, you just got to shake the hell out of it.

It's like if you put your olive oil in the fridge or something, and you realize it's solid. Right, right, right. No, Jeff, even shaking it, it was hard. The coconut part was hard. Because it's like wax. Oh, right. Very waxy.

Felt like a coconut itself. That happens with, you know, if you keep coconut oil around in the winter, it's like wax. And in the summer, it's oil. I saw some YouTube cocktail people were saying to keep your, not only keep it out at room temp, but their canned, like, coconut cream, they'll actually keep it a little bit warm, like simmering all day. They keep it next

to the fireplace. Yeah. Apparently the fellow working at my bodega didn't know about that and he didn't tell me anything about it. Well, hold on. I'm going to take mine out of the fridge. I just put my remnants in the fridge. I'm going to take mine out of the fridge. I just put my remnants in the fridge. I'm going to take it out real quick. Oh, don't get it.

You must. He puts in the fridge. I mean, is he the fucking Maytag man? I know. The guy known for putting things in the fridge, not just selling them. This guy's the fucking Kenmore cock. These days, LG is big in fridges these days. They put a TV on your

damn fridge, Tim. Yeah, I think I could go one minute without looking at a screen, okay? I can reach for a brew and not need to stream a show. I am addicted. I am fully addicted. Jeff, all right, enough. I heard all that. Shit!

We're fucked. When you you said how much ice do we put and i was like jeff whatever just put like the amount of ice i was like when i was making this it's a huge variable like every cube is gonna taste change the taste of this drink i uh i took the the schrammer's advice and said more than you think you need but then you blend it up he said that for shaking now we're going to be eating eating this ice if you put a lot of ice it's going to taste like ice mine's almost a full pint glass

Tim I tried to take your advice because I wanted to do it to the letter I want the right proportions so I filled my hurricane glass mostly with ice and then I put my ingredients in there and it like didn't even come close to filling it. Me too. So I, so I put, I doubled the ingredients and I just put it right in the blender and I was like, well, if I have more, I'll add it. Yeah. Oh, that's smart. And then the problem is with my blend. I don't know if you can see this.

I have what looks like foam on like the top half of the glass and the rest looks like a nice pineapple. Remember with our Singapore slings how the pineapple foamed up and then it settled as we drank? Hmm. Okay. Well, shall we sip? Let's do it. Yes.

Mine has no foam on the top. Hmm. Hmm. Ooh. Hmm. Just splendid. I don't know. Something's really not...

Oh, yeah. Mine doesn't taste quite right. I was worried that I put too much ice, but I think it's just perfect. Oh, mine tastes like a battery or something. Tastes like a what, Jeff? A battery? Yeah. A battery.

That's not what you want it to taste like. No. Mine's not great either, but I'm enjoying it. It's kind of fucking awful. My initial thing was like, mmm, and now that I'm tasting more of it now what's the problem because does it taste like a battery like Jeff's mmm maybe

I think the separation of the coconut thing was weird I also used dark rum because I didn't have white rum so that's fine. It's fine. It's all rum. My white rum disappeared into this. I feel like dark rum would stand up to it better in a nice way. It is a nice way. It kind of has a little

butterscotchy taste with dark rum. A candy that gets a bad rap, but it's not bad. I'm not getting any rum. The pineapple is not really coming through either. It's just there to balance out the coconut a bit. I did do the squeeze of lime, and I'm not noticing it. I'm mainly pretty much only tasting coconut cream, and I like coconut shit. So I'm happy. You know what I think I'm going to do for my round two on this?

Add a little splash, maybe two splashes, orange juice. Michael, you put orange juice in everything these days and it's pissing me off. Well, no, because I think that would taste good. Oh, no. This would be my guess. Guys, this is fine. It just tastes nothing like the one at the Sheraton Waikiki. Yeah, yeah, I know.

You know what's a little weird about this one is like it's – I am able to drink it through my straw and I'm liking it, but in the cup it's like a solid. It's dry. It's just like a dry – Really? Mine's like – Weird.

Mine's like water down bottom. Tastes like a Rayovac 9-volt. And then the top has a little foam. I mean, you want it to at least be a Duracell copper top. Yeah. Rayovac 9 volt. And then the top has a little foam. I mean, you want it to at least be a Duracell, your copper top. I think maybe my blender is not clean, and I chopped up some...

Maybe it's like motor juice. Ooh, maybe motor juice. I don't want that. You just got to give it a rinse. I'll tell you what I'm already thinking is this is fun to drink a blended drink, but I think I would like to make this on the rocks and shake the shit out of it real hard. Next round, I'm just going to shake the shit out of it. Wow.

I think I should have leaned on the pulse button a little more because I got some ice chunks in there. Not our best outing. pulse button a little more because I got some ice chunks in there. Not our best outing. I used a Vitamix that's like pretty intense and I still have ice chunks in there. I got no chunks. None whatsoever. Imagine if the Goonies was no chunks.

That'd be certainly less funny. Hey, there goes your movie. Yeah, right. That'd be certainly less funny. Hey, there goes your movie. Yeah, right. It would be, who's the guy who grew up to be the hunk? Me. In the Goonies movie, Tim. Brolin?

Yeah, it'd be Brolin doing the truffle shuffle. That's not funny. It'd be Brolin doing the truffle shuffle. That's not funny. It gets ripped. Well, Chunk grew up to be a Hollywood lawyer, and I had a meeting with him once. That's right. Oh, yeah. Jeff Cohen. I was like, will you rep me?

He was like, no, you are getting locked away, dude. You're going to fry on the chair. You're going away for a long time in a coffin. From a copyright infringement. Oh man. These are good cherries. I am alarmed. What went wrong over here?

You got to wash your blender, dude. I can't believe that you, I did dug out an old blender. You never use it. You didn't wash it. I mean, I didn't.

Okay. Yeah. I, I, last time when I put it away, I thought I washed it, but I didn't want to i i last time when i put it away i thought i washed it but i didn't want to get my hand down next to those blades jam them in there so i think right under the blades is where all the filth was that i'm now drinking well what what kind of um what kind of ingredients you

guys use well i really wanted to find a can of Coco Lopez. Right. Because I loved that shit, even before I knew it was the original. And they didn't have, so I bought this stuff called like real coconut cream in a white squeeze bottle. Oh, it's like real lemon? Is it that brand? Yeah. Cool. Well, no, it was more expensive than that. It was like this big white squeeze bottle, like a Heinz squeeze bottle.

And it tasted good, but it looked quite a bit like semen. Hey! Yeah. Watch it. I got the Goya coconut cream and the Dole pineapple juice. From a can? Yeah, both cans, but not a good selection where I was. The recipe said

fresh pineapple juice, so I bought a carton of Dole, but do you think that's any different than the can of Dole? I don't know. No, you can't do fresh when IBA tells you to,

necessarily. Don't listen to them. But I do like that idea of just the four pineapple slices. Yeah, I have a bunch of pineapple slices. I might just do that.

Well, I can if I shake it. I got to use the dirty blender. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could also clean out the blender. Ah. No. Well, I'm going orange juice anyway, so. No deal.

What do I know? What's a rum and orange juice drink? There's a rum and orange juice in there. Hurricane Mitch. Is that what that is? Oh, yeah. Spiced rum and OJ in there um hurricane mitch is that what that is oh yeah spice rum and oj is a hurricane mitch hurricane mitch uh you guys want to hear a uh a strange occurrence that happened to me at the grocery store today buying these ingredients yes yes all right so i went to the store i was like i need to get stuff for the pina i thought i'll also grab some groceries while i'm here and you guys know i know I like to slow cook a chicken breast

and make a barbecue chicken. I'm thinking about doing a slow cook a whole chicken. Just put the whole thing in there. I got an instant pot. I'm going to try it out. Feathers and beaks and everything. And mostly gizzards. Just knock them out and send them in there.

Well, I'm scoping the chickens just checking them out real cool hanging back right oh yeah and this this weird guy comes up oh boy and there's not a lot of um chicken boneless skinless chicken breasts ready to rock there's only a couple and he reaches for one and he goes oh and he recoils and he jumps back and he looks at me like isn't this ridiculous because they were like wet you know like sometimes you'll get some chicken and it'll have some like ridiculous some way you put it there you put it in the little bag yeah and exactly we should complain the two of us should go complain about this yeah he looks at me he looks at me like

oh and then uh and he's looking around for the bags and there's one above his head. So he grabs a bag. He pulls the bag off and then he spits on his fingertips. Oh, to peel the bag. To peel the bag open. A move that I have never seen before. Yeah, a new move you don't need to do. But I've never seen a guy go from grossed out to gross so fast like like at

first i was like yeah i'm a little gross that too and then he was like yeah right now we both are i was like oh you're weird too man well what in rome i have to do this but like i've seen people like if they have a lot of if they have a lot of paper to count if they're going through a lot of magazines if they're counting a lot of bills your teacher is showing you a book and they they give you they do a little lick of the thumb maybe i've never seen a guy full-on spit on his like like it was like a hawking a loogie and i can't tell you how many of these plastic bags i've opened no l lube whatsoever. You just kind of rub them together in your hands. They don't need that. It's plastic.

You give them a little shimmy. You shake them so the air gets in there and poof. My God. From gross to gross though. I didn't get the chicken. It grossed me out. I said like, you know what? I'm going to go check out the coconut cream. Right. You'll be thinking about that spit while you're eating the chicken.

I'm sure you got some of the spit on the chicken. Oh, yeah. And it's COVID times still. Yeah. Sorry, dude. It still is. I was walking down the street the other day, close to my neighborhood, and this block that was kind of a lot of machine shops and car body shops and stuff.

And I'm walking by, and all of a sudden i hear this like cluck cluck clucking and i look in one you know lifted up garage area and there's a bunch of chickens in it like in cages and stuff next to like a body shop i was like what the fuck's going on here and it was just chickens i looked at the sign it was like you know whatever poultry i think they killed the chickens right there next to the next to the car repair there's a big chicken company in downtown la that stinks up the arts district and it's so weird to be in a city like to do like farming in a city yeah but that's I freed them, and now they're in my apartment. They're all here now. Now you're going to go full gonzo.

We're getting out of here. I pulled the gonzo. I think that that would work for your comedy career if you had a whole slate of chicken showgirls. You're doing a little stand-up show in Brooklyn, and we walk up, and there's like 12 chickens with you. Doing the can-can. In bedazzled outfits.

You're like, yeah, this makes sense. Glittery dresses. This is the trajectory of him. Well, I got the freaking nose for it. My God. Mike! No, I'm going to a rhinoplasty guy tomorrow. Hey, you know what this reminds me of is

when we had a live duck with us on stage. Donald? For a sketch called Pecking Order. Oh, yeah. About a group of, what was it, military. It was a group of troops who were afraid of their mean drill sergeant. Yeah, it was like a boot camp. In a boot camp.

And he shows up and he's a duck and he's got an army helmet on. And we hired a real actor just for a UCB show. We paid 200 bucks and they brought an actor duck and he acted. He was great. And they shit on the stage. It was great. And then he scared Harris Whittles. In a later sketch. Yeah, I had to hold that thing because in another

sketch I was a farmer so I was holding the duck and it was weird because the duck kind of like, you know, I didn't know how hard to hold it and it's just kind of like moving its wings around like it was going to start flying. I'm like, you can't go anywhere. We're doing a sketch. Yeah. I mean, after all the pageantry, I still don't, I'm not convinced that

the duck knew he was an actor. That duck was more of a groundling type of a guy. He didn't want to be on the UCB stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We wanted the Daniel Day-Lewis of ducks, and they gave us the, uh, they gave us the... They gave us the... What's it going to be?

I wonder what it'll say. Yeah, who does Jeff think is a bad actor? Who does he want to say is a bad actor? Brecken Meyer. Oh, that's... Hey! Come on, how dare you? From Inside Schwartz?

Ugh, God, I keep going back to this. I fucked this drink up. I fucked it up! God, I'm so mad! Ooh. I wanted to drink up. I fucked it up. God, I'm so mad. Ooh. I wanted to ask you, Mike, you brought up that earlier, the Pina Colada song, Escape by Rupert Holmes.

Oh, I didn't realize that was the name of that song, but yes, I did. It's called Escape, and then in parentheses, the Pina Colada song, because that's everyone's favorite. It's one that I think many people thought at one time was Jimmy Buffett. Sure. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? Oh, my God. If you're Jimmy Buffett, you're kicking yourself that you didn't think of that.

Smart of him to call it like parentheses, the Pina Colada song. Because that's when it's like, you have your name for it, but then you know that people are just going to call it the Pina Colada song. Yeah, he had the foresight. I wonder if he got some radio play and he was like uh add the pina colada thing on there or he meant it was going to be to be uh escape the pina colada song and then no one was calling the pina colada song so he added just the parentheses to down by you saying escape from the pina colada song. That's kind of funny.

Anyway, I brought it up to ask you, you guys know that version, sure. But what did you think of the later version he came out with? Come again? Oh, there's a later version? I don't know. I think that's just the one and done on that guy. Oh. Oh, no, you guys didn't know about this?

Because he didn't have a lot of other hits, so he kind of became known as a one-hit wonder over the years. Oh. The only other version I know is if you like pizza, a lot of, and a pepperoni. That was earlier on this podcast that Dave gave me. Yeah, that was you. That was you coming up with that. Yeah, that's the only other version I know.

That's my favorite version. Really? More than this one you're going to play? Well, maybe we can judge this. We can be like Simon Cowell. I actually didn't mention yet that I'm going to play it. I just wasn't going to talk about it. Yeah, that's true. I jumped ahead. You might not

have anything from any vaults. Tim, we can infer. We've been through this. Yeah, you get the rhythms of the pod. I guess we can fall in line. But what I was going to say is that so apparently apparently, apparently, no, seriously. Apparently. He was, over the years, he was a one hit wonder and he didn't have all the other mega hits he was hoping.

And like, I guess kind of recently. Apparently kid. Yeah. That kid is not as wealthy. But he was. Same deal. Same thing. Well, Rupert Holmes, like,

didn't make the kind of money he wanted and a few years ago he had to have this big garage sale i guess um and and yeah so like he had this huge garage sale to make some cash and then he put out a song to promote the garage sale so that he could like oh make a little bit a little bit of money. Oh wow. I thought you were going to say that like you went to the garage sale and found like an old tape or something, but he made a song for the garage sale. He wanted to, he was worried.

He wasn't good. Like people, the word wouldn't get out about like the stuff that he had. Cause you know, when you have a garage sale, you got some great stuff and you want people to know like that this, if you're into this type of thing, this is like what we're going to have here.

So you kind of promote it that way you know i i like jeff i thought the story was gonna end with you going to the garage store and leaving with the tapes in your pants yeah um i had something else on my pants on that day front or back okay genitals okay no so let's listen to let's listen to the song, the song that he made to promote his garage sale. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Let's all right. Here we go. I think I have right here. If you like Beavis and butthead, if you like snakes on a plane, if you're not into snow dogs, you like dubs of Dave Blaine

If you like watching old Ed Midnight And my dude Gilbert Grape I'm the guy that you've looked for Come to me, buy my tapes So those are the tapes. Oh, yeah. He was selling tapes. I thought maybe you would mention the tapes oh yeah he was selling tapes I didn't I thought maybe you would mention the tapes no I guess he had

this collection of VHS tapes I get it because he said dubs you know he said I have dubs of this and then it makes sense that you know at midnight wasn't released on tape but he probably taped it off the TV yeah and he had dubs of david blaine magic

yeah yeah cool gilbert grape that makes sense but he didn't have snow dogs if you know he doesn't have snow dogs so he said if you're not into snow dogs yeah good good i'm not i haven't seen that movie but it's good to know what you're getting into well a lot of people you know those rude people that come to garage sales and they just have one thing on their mind. Yeah, they're sucking on a big fat latte they got from Starbucks. Hey, where's the snow dog tape? First of all, it's snow dogs. Secondly, you're spilling latte all over my aunt's Christmas dress. We know the type.

We know the type. Not her Christmas dress. She wanted me to sell this. Now there's latte all over it. You bad, bad, bad. That's great. That her Christmas dress. She wanted me to sell this and now there's latte all over it. You bad, bad, bad. That's great. That's so cool. In the original song, it's all about a personal ad in the newspaper. So what he really should have

done, maybe he could have thought of this instead of just doing the song. He'd say like he put this in the personal ads. That would be kind of clever. Did he play this on the radio or was it just like on a Twitter Instagram? Where did you personally hear this this i heard this when it was like number one on kids wow shit i mean how was the uh yard sale well attended as as far as i know yeah it was like just jam-packed like people got trampled oh shit anyone anyone okay? No, no one is okay.

No one's okay. Oh, my God. No okays. Is anyone a survivor of this? No, it was a Black Friday type of situation, and we lost them all. Just a massacre. Oh, shit. So that's got to be, he's got to have some responsibility on that, too, I'm sure. And that's going to weigh on him, I bet.

It must. A poor guy like that. Rose's name? Rupert Holmes. Murdoch Holmes. Rupert Holmes. I'm going to make a round two, and I'm putting orange juice in this one. I'm going to do one on a sheet.

You don't have to be a little weird sneaks about it. No, I don't. I don't. I want to a sheet dish. Yeah, you don't have to be a little weird sneaks about it. No, I don't. I don't. I want to. Okay. I do. I'm a weird sneak to the core. I'm going to try and fix my gross little blender.

Yeah. I'm going to sneak around my apartment here and make one. All right. Peace. Folks, we'll be back. All right, we're back with segment three. Oh, the much anticipated segment. So I didn't do the blender.

I shook the hell out of it. And I even got a new straw in case the straw was tainting it somehow maybe i had some microbes yeah hanging out so here i go it doesn't microbes it doesn't really have the um the sort of slushy consistency you want from a pina no let me see put that up in the camera there jeffy okay see still um i gotta say it's not my favorite i think i got some a bad ingredient of some sort okay so one of your things is rotten rotten like your coconut or something's like if you're made two rounds you changed your straw you've done everything and you're still getting a weird battery taste? Yeah. You know, I took a sip of both.

You know, I did the coconut cream, and I was just like, okay, this is fine. It's kind of mild, doesn't really have a flavor. And then the pineapple juice, I was like, this is fine. It's just not super sweet and delicious like I expected. I don't know. It's fine. I should... Back off, everyone. Instead of using using a blender i did mine on the rocks

this time but were i to make a third round which is way too much sugar so i won't i think i i prefer rocks drinks to blended drinks i want to drink liquid not drink food but i i should have then planned for this by changing the the ratio of the ingredients because now i've got like you know it didn't get as diluted because it's not blended so i have like a very syrupy drink i think i would like double the rum and shake this a little bit longer i did uh i poured the right, because I didn't finish mine, so I put it back in the blender which there was some already left.

I added a two splash OJ, and it's pretty good. I'm really not tasting the OJ much though. It's fine. Well, OJ is very pineapple juice-esque as it's used in cocktails. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I wanted something else. It's so funny. You would be Nicolai is such a carefree fun drink. It's so funny for three guys to be like troubled. And like, we're all like furrowed brows. Like, you know, I just, I'm just a bit underwhelmed. I know.

What's happening? I figure out what's wrong here I know what's happening I can't even figure out if it's wrong the taste of mine is delicious I think my ingredients are good and like my first round was what they're meant to be and then I went a little rogue and I flew a little too close to the coconut

I feel like I need two heaping teaspoons of sugar to fix this drink, which. That's fascinating. Mine is too sweet. Oh, God. Now I'm going to check my dates, check my labels. Check into a hospital tonight.

At the Tiki Tea, they have a pina colada adjacent drink called the Bayanian. Bayanian. And it's so good. And it's like, it's got that pina colada taste but then it's just all got all the other the tiki stuff where it's like several rums and probably a little bit more lime and it's it's it's uh i even added the lime to this i was so ready to have a good drink what the fuck dude battery acid dude i'm po dude'd dude are you are you gonna be able to do your final thoughts or are you gonna be yeah fine my final thoughts are i can't weigh in on this

drink this this drink that's a first needs a retrial okay can you taste your ingredients separately and let us know if one of them's disgusting yeah i'll do it right now shit you guys give your final thoughts do you have old pineapple juice i've i'll check right now because here's my theory jeff i what sometimes it can it gets rusty oh rusty can of juice snap oh maybe i'm getting rough check that can jeff Jeff. If it has a dent in it, maybe it dented it and at the store it became pierced and the can was letting it rock. I dropped my cream of coconut can on the way home and that dented it. But I don't think that could be positive. If it was on the way home, you're fine. If it was months ago, that's bad.

I bought it months ago. Okay, well, Mike, that's a problem. There you go. You guys give thoughts. I'll be right back. Go ahead. go. Okay. Well, Mike, that's a problem. There you go. You, you guys give thoughts. I'll be right back. Go ahead. The damn, the, the, you know, it's so hot out here and all my drinks got sweaty and they just, they fell right through the paper bag. That's what happened. That's what happened.

That's what happened. My final thought is that, yeah, it's a pina colada and it's delicious and you should, you should definitely have them. Order again in my life, yes. Second round of these, too sweet for that. But if I'm sitting by a beach, if I'm sitting by a pool in the direct sun, maybe – because I was just about to say, hey, everyone, double the rum. And if I ever drink one in my house again, I'm going to double the rum. But maybe when you're lounging on a hammock, maybe you don't really want a stiff cocktail. And maybe it's nice to have a little fucked up beyond all belief.

Yeah, you just want the slightest little background buzz and you want to be drinking something that cools you down. Yeah, I would say in that situation, I would go for a round to a second round because it's just more cool, sweet taste out in the summer sun. The taste ought not go to waste. I would, this is an order again for me, and I would do a second round. I'm going to leave this one to the professionals. This is not done well for me at home. Did you have fun blending? Because I never blend my drinks, and I did feel kind of cool in my kitchen.

I wouldn't describe it as fun. I felt accomplished by the end of it. What about when you were pouring from the blender to the cup? Don't you feel like Tom Cruise in cocktail? I look like Tom Cruise in cocktail but I didn't feel like it. Guys, I got my ingredients right here. This will be quick because there's

only two of them. Organics. Organic coconut cream. Dented from head to toe? No. It says it's good till January 30th, 2023. So we're in the clear on that one. You got time.

And I'm going to take a little sip. And it's just like weak. It's just like very, very weak. Just a hint. Like coconut LaCroix tastes more like coconut than that. But Jeff, does it say coconut cream or is it coconut milk? Coconut cream, organic coconut cream. Is it sweetened? Does it say sugar in the ingredients? No, it says one gram total sugars on the front. No. So here's the problem, Jay. That's the type

of coconut that you would make if you were making like a delicious Thai curry in a pan. But the stuff that we're using for this is supposed to have like a lot of sugar in it. You know what? Sometimes it's listed as creme de coco instead of coconut cream. But I think what you got yourself is a kitchen ingredient for food dude i'm fucked uh and then looking at my it didn't taste battery huh no and then and then my uh i've got here lakewood organic pure pineapple not from concentrate fresh pressed This stuff looks good. And it's best by April 2023. And it tastes good. I blame the coconut. Blame it on the coconut.

Get yourself some Coco Lopez. You'll be singing a different tune. Blame it on the Coco, Coco, Coco, Coconut. Or add a bunch of simple syrup. Keep talking. I'll be back. This guy's going to get himself of simple syrup. Keep talking. I'll be back. This guy's going to get himself some simple syrup.

What does he do? I don't care about this anymore. I don't care what he's up to. Well, you don't want to talk to Tim? No, I don't want to talk to anybody anymore. This could be a good opportunity for us to do a little networking with each other. Ooh, this might be a good opportunity for a spinoff show. Just coconut drinks.

Well, what do you want to talk about? What are you up to? Oh, he's back. I just did. Nice dollop of simple syrup. Just a big gob of it, you know? Yeah. You're going to like this.

I know. This is going to be good. And we'll see if it still tastes like a goddamn Theracel. Come on, baby. I'm determined to make it work. Getting there. It's close. It's closer.

I see a smile. It'll do. You devil. it'll do you devil it's just a drink now that's pounded so many ingredients into it oh man you know what I would do if I were gonna be a little tiki freak I would put a little nutmeg in here

that would add a whole different dimension gotta go I bet there are people who put nutmeg in a pina colada. Yep. Ugh. Those sick fucks. The law lets freaks like them run free.

They should be locked away. That's our show. Follow us on social media at The Sloppy Boys, where we release these recipes ahead of time. Also be sure to check out our Patreon, where subscribers can unlock The sloppy boys blow out our weekly bonus episode that's patreon.com slash the sloppy boys thanks for listening folks we'll see you next week later this is how we do it that was how we did it

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