The Sloppy Boys - 89. Ranch Water

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

The guys make a simple fiesta refresher and drink it right out of the bottle.RANCH WATER RECIPE12oz bottle of Topo Chico1.5oz/45ml Tequila Blanco.5oz/15ml Lime JuiceOpen the bottle and drink down part of the neck. Add tequila and lime juice into the bottle. Mix lightly. Enjoy in the bottle or pour out into your favorite cocktail glass. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, welcome to the Sloppy Boys, where we take a deep dive into the drinks that you love. I'm Jeff Dutton, along with Mike Hanford. Hey, I can't believe we forgot about the Bishkipshij. And Tim Kovakis. What is up, Texan stylies? Ooh! and Tim Kalpakis. What is up Texan stylies? Yes

yes it's true I'm back on Sopranos. I just finished Mike I can't wait to talk about it. You did. Is always one sloppy boy always binge watching Sopranos? We always kind of keep it well I was on you know I'd started season four and I stayed off of it forever and then

during my COVID about which you'll hear me coughing still some more because. That's from cigarettes. Well, the first cough never went away, to be clear. Yeah. You've been coughing the entire time. I have had about a two-year cough. Yeah.

COVID hasn't really interrupted your general unhealthy lifestyle. The coughing has always. You know, I think of myself as someone who goes on jogs a lot and tries to watch what he eats, but I don't think I'm in good health ever. It's amazing. You can jog, you can run a marathon any time you decide to.

I'm just coughing my life away. Okay, but back on Sopranos, season four, we just had a little situation with... Ralph was talking about Johnny's wife, and we're getting into that whole thing. Man. Joey Pants, huh? Joey Pants.

He's great. And I'd forgotten. I hadn't watched a few episodes in a while, or in a couple months. So I was like, who the hell did, spoiler alert, who the hell did fucking Tony's sister kill? It wasn't Ralph. Who was it? I remembered who it was. I think she killed every scene she was in.

Great actor. Yeah, she's great. Yes. I once got a cameo from her. That's right. I heard about her. Jess got it for you? Yeah.

On my birthday during my COVID Sopranos rewatch, Jessica got me Johnny Sack, Janice, and Joey Pants. Are you serious? Yeah. And it was funny because Janice has been having a moment on... She's a very popular cameo. And they had three different approaches. Janice, what's her name?

Totoro, right? Yeah. Ada. Is she John Totoro's sister? I think so. I would be surprised if not. Looking it up. Talented family.

Family. It's like nuclear and nuclear. Family. Nuclear family. Nuclear. We're family. Yes. Keep to the...

John Totoro's cousin. You're looking... Oh, cousin. Oh! Totoro, cousin. family yes keep to know i'm looking cousin you look at oh cousin oh taturo cousin don't mess with a jesus uh well they all had their own approaches to uh a cameo video it was like the same blurb about me that they were going on so she, Tim, I hope you have the best birthday. I see here that you love New Jersey. You used to go to the New Jersey shore as a kid and you love Bruce Springsteen. Oh, well, let me tell you. And then she spun a great yarn

about season one of the show, like little Stevie brought them all backstage at a Bruce concert. Oh, man. And she took like five minutes and it was very charming. I like that it sounded like she was reading that and New Jersey and Springsteen. Oh, man. And she took like five minutes and was very charming. I like that it sounded like she was reading that. And New Jersey and Spring City.

Oh, great. When am I going to get to something like, give a fuck about. Then Johnny Sack was very kind, but very measured. And he had notes that he had written in a Mead notebook. And it seemed like maybe he had his nephew or something shooting the video. And he thought that his notebook was framed out. So he had his nephew or something shooting the video and he

thought that his notebook was framed out so he was stealing little peeks down and his hands were in the notes but i could see the notebook um and then john uh joey pants just a complete dick it was like hello tim uh happy birthday. It says here that you are. It says here. And it was like he made fun of this stuff. He's like, you like Italian food? Okay. He was like, what?

And then there was something about like that I'm a comedy writer or something. He's like, whatever that's supposed to mean. Like he kind of just didn't understand the blurb and was like, okay, happy birthday. Got to go. And then he talked about how coming out of covet he's been having trouble he's like good to be happy birthday i hope you're spending with family it's important to get back together with the important people in your life i'm actually kind of struggling with it i'm spending time with the nieces and nephews again it's kind of hard to feel connected i don't know

what a little rare vulnerability after being a dick for a minute you don't i don't know what a little rare moment of vulnerability after being a dick for a minute you don't you don't love your family anymore huh all right well the pants man the pants man i've never gotten a cameo um i'm always interested to see who's on there though i've i've never gotten one either and i don't think i've sent one but i've looked on that site it is it is like whoa this it's always like oh this person's on there wow i wouldn't think they would do this and then oh my god i can't believe this person's on here i didn't think they were that famous they're weird i mean it's an embarrassing thrill to you hear a celebrity say your name you know they don't know you and they're just reading it but like joey pan's being like hello tim i was like

i sent one i sent a big time tommy one of my favorite instagrammers i sent one of those to my family because i couldn't be home for christmas and he was good he was like hey cow pack his family and i i wrote like a dumb blurb so he had to read like all the names of my mom's dogs and stuff and didn't they kind of think like whoa you know him yeah they they didn't know about the app, so I seemed like a really big shot. That's a fun ruse. And I was like, yeah, yeah, there is no app. Well, I should do that for my parents.

They wouldn't know that that app exists. Bo and Janet? Yeah. Send them a video from me. Bo, Janet, hello from Hollywood. You're one of their favorite Instagrammers. It's funny to play the game of like, how much do you think this person is on Cameo?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Ooh. Can you guess who the most expensive one is? How much is it? A thousand? I'm seeing one for 15 grand. Oh, my God.

15 grand. Whoa. Well, this is as of August 2021. A lot of the times when they're really big money like that, it's because it's a fundraiser for a charity, this is as of August 2021. A lot of the times when they're really big money like that, it's because it's a fundraiser for a charity. And it's like Michelle Obama. That's my guess. Michelle Obama.

This was Floyd Mayweather, which is strange. Or you can get Bam Margera for 100 bucks. That's a good one. And also, Bam needs the help. If I were April and Phil, I'd be getting them from BAM all the time. Hey, Ape. Well, that's some pretty good shit chat. Yeah, that's enough of that. You're telling me.

How do we feel about a little beep, beep, beep, beep, beep? I'm bipping it. Hit it. I'm bipping. It's Friday. It's going to be a boost. It's my way. New party be a boost to Flyway. New party pack, full of fireballs, Kim, Jeff and Mike, they know it all.

Are they gonna talk about the new clause? Will this cowboy chico steal the top dog? What's the hottest drink of the summer? Sometimes Jeff is just a bummer. Sometimes they switch it up. Come on and feel my cup. C-E-P-E-F-U They're watching On the move

Come on Yeah It's boo-boo Yeah Okay That theme was sent to us by Efren Ramos. And if you have a Booze News theme, email it to thesloppyboyspodcast at gmail.com. Now that's what you want, Efren.

You want to put, he put in the work. He made an original composition. Wow, we like that. That sounded original. Ooh, that pop punk. I don't know if you guys were watching me in the Zoom screen, but while we were listening. Kickflips.

I did two grinds, one ollie, four kickflips. Whoa. And I saw Jeff skanking around over on his screen. Yeah. Jeff, you changed into like a two-tone rude boy. Yeah. I took out the old trombone. Is it a band's logo where it's like a guy kind of skanking

and he's got his arms? He's like taking a really extreme pose. You know the one where he's like a skinny guy? Yeah. Oh, Op Ivy? Yeah, I want to say it's Op Ivy. That's probably Op Ivy. I was thinking of the specials have more of like a little tuxedoed

Blues Brother looking kind of guy. Hey, what's our logo? Oh, yeah. What about a really detailed recreation of our three dicks? We sort of did that already. Oh, yeah, our third album. We got no logo. That's bad branding.

Okay. Booze News. I know you guys are fucking sick of me talking about seltzers, right? No, no. Keep going. A, you got to give me... It's an appropriate episode to bring them up. Thank you.

Okay. B, you're going to do a double take when I send you this story that came from some of the slopheads on the Discord, bipped me with this one. I'm texting it to you. A brand new drink called Mom Water. What? And it's made by moms for moms.

Here's the thing about it, guys. You're looking at the can. Oh, tall, slim can. Okay. You're looking at the flavors. Oh, blueberry, peach, lemon, blueberry, coconut, mango. Okay. guys you're looking at the can oh tall slim can okay you're looking at the flavors oh blueberry peach lemon blueberry coconut mango okay uh this is just like all the other hard seltzers yeah listen to this fruit infused vodka water zero carbonation interesting zero sugar zero carbs

all natural crafted by moms blah blah this is the first one to not even be a seltzer. It's flat. Wow. I don't like it. Well, wait a minute. But it's not for me. Right. You're not the target demo.

They got ladies' names on here. Karen, Julie, Linda, and Sandy. Hmm. Sandy. Sandy. Sandy. We should come up with sun water for sons. For sons by sons.

For the obedient prodigal sons of their bitch moms. Mom water and dad drink. I don't like that. Seems weird. I'll tell you what I like about it. You don't like dad drink? I don't like mom water, the one that exists. Dead drink.

I want to give it a try. I haven't seen it at my local stores, but here's what I'm thinking. The flat element sounds weird. You're just drinking like watered down vodka. But what I do like about it is it's not a malt beverage. It's got vodka. Much like, have you guys had High Noon?

Yeah. That's the one that's not made from malted grain yeah it actually has a shot of vodka in it and that just makes me feel like a little bit more like i know why weren't we doing that the whole time i i feel like there was some regulation where you couldn't put hard liquor in a can hard actual liquor in a can and then at some point maybe covet or whatever we just started to be able to do that well that brings me to another one is uh coca-cola finally launched their jack and coke jack daniels and coke branded coca-cola so it's whiskey and coke and there had already been a jack daniels cola but like isn't that weird that that one it is whiskey it's not a malt beverage i do think some legislation must have passed that says hey

put whatever you want in the cans we're not watching anymore do what you like yeah thanks biden this this mom water uh swag is pretty cool i like this long sleeve shirt it's it's got mom water on the uh it's got a pocket on the front it's got the mom water sort of palm tree in the back and on the sleeve it says hashtag dads are cool too that's really nice to not leave them out 35 shirt it's not bad i might get it that reminds me of um That reminds me of Chet Hanks, a.k.a. Chet Hayes, White Boy Summer last year. When he launched merch for that, and he was like,

yeah, White Boy Summer, you got to buy the t-shirts. And then there were t-shirts that were like Latin Girl Summer. And he was like, see, you can all have your own White Boy Summer. I was like, I don't know. I think what made your viral video viral was that you were saying white boy summer and excluding everybody else well that was a weird one because it was people universally liked white boy summer right like i i mean i think everyone was like thought it was funny that he was he was saying me jack harlow and he was grouping himself like a platinum rapper me a weird guy

yeah what was he getting at he just had he said it's he's the first person to say something like white boy summer without an ounce of racism to it at all like everyone just forgave it because he's just like he's just so dumb they're like he's like a big dumb golden retriever he doesn't know what he's saying nice try buddy i think even before those shirts he could say like you could be a black girl and still have a white boy summer it's for everyone i'm sure so many uh women of color were so inspired to have white boy summers yeah i know wow thanks chet um last note on these mom water merch shirts i'm not a fan of the logo on the back of a t-shirt unless when you get the little breast pocket logo and then the picture on the back the only time i like it is it if it's a tour shirt

that lists the dates dude yeah that's kind of cool i was gonna say uh when we first did t-shirts i was like sweet lifelong vacation cool graphic on the front track list on the back and everyone shot me down take it off the back. Clean back. Even your boy Tim shot you down? I think even my boy Tim. Damn, that must have been a rough time. I would rather, yeah, I think I would rather the logo on the front, unless it is on like just the small lapel, lapel? Breast.

Breast pocket. And then you can go hog wild on the back. Because if it's too small on the front. Because if it's just the one thing on the breast on the front uh what are we doing at least you want more yeah and then you end up you gotta put uh dads are cool too down the sleeve both sleeves i really don't like um i've got a shirt you know that when i came back from santa fe i had this t-shirt that it's like a uh from a spa there and it has like these skeletons in a hot tub at the spa i was like oh man this shirt's so cool and then it has the name of the spa on the back up real high

like almost the back collar and that is such like it just look makes it look like a dad like a giveaway hike like a walkathon shirt it's the type of like sneaky thing you know if you're working on a tv show or movie and they give away merch or not merch they give away like a wrap-a-thon shirt or something. It's the type of like sneaky thing, you know, if you're working on a TV show or a movie and they give away merch, not merch, they give away like a wrap gift. It's like the logo's got to get on there somewhere and it ends up being like right up underneath the back or on the sleeve or something.

I've got one of those. I got a little hidden Netflix one. I have a Star Wars shirt that I love from Uniqlo. You've seen me in it. It's got Greedo on the front. You know Greedo. He shot first. I'll tell you that.

Yeah, he shot first. But on the back, here's the bummer. Great shirt on the front. No notes. On the back, it's got like whatever he says to Han. It's got like Chippa Honarita. I wouldn't mind drinking a Chippa Honarita. Written in like Star wars font in black so it's like i don't feel like i can wear this shirt without like a jacket or

something you have this shirt i don't think i've i haven't seen the back of this that's because i'm always wearing that jacket you're always sweating your balls so did did what what is the the grito shot first thing are we we should take a stance the sloppy boys say he shot first yeah we are hard and fast on that well he shot first in the the the reason they did that in the special edition re-release was to make it so that han is a good man of great virtue because when you meet him if you think he he killed an alien you might think he's a bad guy but i like thinking he's a bad guy he's a cowboy he's a scoundrel yeah i don't want everyone to be saving cats all over the place agreed so so we think he shot for we think han

shot first in the old one like the old fans were like han shot first gotcha gotcha we think han shot first with good reason yeah greedo fuck with him and you don't fuck with uh i think han should fucking take a shot first dude and then the fucking rest of us should take one too i'm talking tequila stylies all right you want to get into the d of the d do it no we want to get into some theme music, Jeff. Oh, you got a little something over your sleeve? Oh, a little H to the H. I got something. I don't know. Just play the theme music. H to the Izzo.

No, this is not it. This is where is Timothy? This is where is Tim gone. That's for Tim's TV show. Okay, hold on. I have it. Which, Tim, I have gone to a few TV, you know, the TLCs and the true TVs, and we're working on getting that show made. We're going to have you tour around the world.

Can I get paid top dollar? There we go. It's time for Hanford's Hobbies. Whoa, thank you, Hank Hill, close friend of mine. It is time for another Hanford's Hobbies. Wow. And we are back in the kitchen. We are back in the kitchen this week for Hanford's Hobbies. Nice.

I have found a new thing i was you know i make rice dishes all the time i put rice with just about anything raiko chai chi for raiko chai chi but i got this brown rice recently that i wasn't making really well and it was like getting way too soggy and big i went back to the store and i said all right no more rice for a while i've overdone it with the rice. I found myself a package, a couple packages of May Fun. You know what that is? Oh, I thought you were going to say like couscous or something. What's May Fun?

May Fun rice noodles. All you do, you boil water. These things kind of come in a package. They look like a big shredded wheat. It's just kind of like these dry noodles spun together. Oh. Yeah. And then you boil water.

You put them in the water for like two to four minutes until they're soft. And that is your new... Like a maruchan. That's right. Wow. And so what are you adding in? What are you doing with it? Same thing I would be doing with

rice chicken broccoli uh i got this sweet and sour thai sauce that i've found next to the noodles mike here's what you gotta do do your boy calpy's egg ovation make yourself a soft boiled egg and then do a david chang stylies where you, oh, yeah, I guess I am just having some boring noodles. Psych, egg goes on top. And then when your fork cuts through the egg, sexy drip of the egg. No, I'm bleating all that. Please do. But you need to have, I've got this sesame oil that's got some chili in it with a little heat.

It's very nice. That sounds very good. Hey, what's that called? What's that called? Let me take a look. I've got a wide variety of chili oils because I'm really into that shit. But let's see. The sesame one.

But I'm telling you, Mayfun, and I believe I'm pronouncing that right. I looked it up on, it's either Mayfun or or my fun but what i found on youtube is may fun it is i can't i need to figure out how to like not get it to clump up as much you know like you when you make spaghetti or something like that it kind of uh it doesn't smush together and like stay but these noodles are very sticky so they i need to like tease it out a little bit oh! How were you fucking up the rice in the first place, Mike? Are you boiling a bag, or are you going traditional method? I do tradition. And what I was fucking up was this brown rice that I got.

I was cooking it for too long or too little, and it was either just hard or just really mushy rice. And I said, I could have gone back to the white rice, and I'm sure I will one day. But for now, I said, let me just go off into a different direction. Okay. I've done my research on my chili oils. With the egg thing, Mike, I use Dynasty Sesame Chili Oil.

That's very good. But then I'll give you a product that's even better. I found this shit, and it was life-changing. Crunchy Garlic Chili Sauce. Chef Troy's recipe crunchy garlic chili sauce or you could get uh just the brand i think crunchy uh crunchy garlic but so fucking good it's like this oil chili oil but it's got crunchy garlic in it it's so good you could eat it with a fucking fork and then whoa you know it's kind of like a thick sauce it's

like a paste it almost looks like szechuan a thick sauce it's like a paste it almost looks like szechuan chili oil where it's like a paste at the bottom and the oil at the top like when you get delivery but when you dig down instead of it just being a bunch of seeds it's crunchy garlic like garlic it'll make you make your breath stink i'll tell you that much um and then do you know the the tv writer danny chun yeah yeah he's a bit of a sauce hound i was talking to him about that stuff and then he turned me on this a different thing called la patrona which is a chili oil that is like very similar to a sichuan chili oil but it's it's mexican and you can put you put it on you know your mexican food and it's very good. Interesting. I eat a lot of oil. I don't know what my doctor would say about me using oil as a condiment so much.

The oils and the chili oils. I got to get into that. Because when I do have them every once in a while with Asian food or sometimes Mexican food, I always go, oh, what is this stuff, and where is it from? Yeah. Well, you ever like fishing into a hot pot or just in general and like if you're on the san gabriel valley eating some good chinese food they there's that red chili oil all over the place and it's very good um you know what i don't like i i had this

discussion with somebody recently um what are those those uh buns that you get those uh you get them with dim sum pork buns they're like tacos it's like a big pillow with sweet like a little pancake i can't i went to get dim sum with some people the other day and we had some of those and i said guys i'm just not a big fan of these guys guys i'm gonna go home early i gotta i gotta i gotta well what about your your part of your paying the bill i gotta go home i gotta i gotta get i'm with you, Mike. I will eat those, but I would say it's my least favorite of the dim sums because it's a big fucking pillow.

There's just like the sweetness to it or something. It's just not... You're working your way through all that flour and then your payoff is fucking sugar. I want an egg roll in there. You guys gotta go to the bun shop. You ever been to the bun shop? That's a strip club on Sunset, right?

I went to the bun shop in the 80s. Can we get into the drink of the day, or you got more hobbies? We're all done here. I need to close up Hanford's hobbies. And now, Jeff, you need to close up Boo's News. That's it for Boo's News. Oh, my God. He actually stood up and shit his pants for that. Now let's talk about the D.O. the D, the drink of the day.

What are we talking about today? A very simple drink that we, kind of in the same vein as the spaghet that we worked on two episodes ago. We're talking about ranch water. You've had? I've water. You've had? I've had. You've heard? I've heard. No, just had.

No. Somebody gave it to you and said, what is this? I just drink it. I think I've had it and I, well, I think I fucked it up. I think I tried it and didn't like it. So this will be,

but I'm striking that from the record. I think we've already encountered some interesting conversational topics about how to uh execute this drink because i had only ever had it one way now i'm seeing a lot of people have it a different way either way i have noticed it rising in popularity a lot of slop heads tag us in it. You guys, god damn. Cough pod. Hey, welcome to cough pod. Is there a way to take these? Are you saying, god damn, because you got to go through and take all these snippers and coughs and stuff out.

Have you guys ever had a migraine headache? Yeah. Never. Not good. Is it a regular thing for you, Mike? Not a regular thing for you mike uh not a regular thing i got them uh i probably had about four or five in my life and a lot of them were most of them were when i was in like uh eighth grade to in high school it was i think it was like an adolescent thing did you have this thing called the aura where you knew it was coming on it hadn't even started yet but you had a weird

feeling like you're gonna get a migraine oh uh maybe i used to get tunnel vision with him yikes which is awesome i had never had one in my life didn't know what the word really meant and then last night i couldn't fall asleep i've got sinusitis at the moment and uh i couldn't fall asleep because i had a headache in my face around my eye socket sharp pain fucking killing me i got up i popped a couple acetaminophen tylenol got back in bed waited an hour nothing happened then i've fucking eaten advil too nothing then i find myself i'm in the kitchen eating last night's uh eggplant parm i'm having last night's May fun.

Hey, you start doing that, call me up. I'll come over. So then I woke up feeling okay, and just this very moment my fucking eyeballs started hurting again. I have a sharp headache in my face. Just this moment? Tim, I know just what will help you. Yeah, a big old glugger of a nice

There you go. Some bubbles. You drink it and the bubbles reach up the body the bubbles are no troubles i was saying this drink is getting more popular people tag us in it and it's it's getting it's gaining steam going into the summer continue good good good because this is a fun one and it all centers around a drink we've talked about a drink you two love and sort of told me about, and I never really tried it much. Topo Chico, the original, the mineral water from Mexico.

You've definitely had, and I have had two. I got on Drizzly, I had them bring over a few. I got a six-pack, and I had one today. It was great. Best bubbles in the biz. It's a nice bubble. It's fun to hold that glass bottle, eh? Fun to hold the glass bottle, and you can't really...

I couldn't really chug it, because you get a big mouthful of it, and the bubbles are going everywhere in your mouth. I know, it's so bubbly, it seems like it shouldn't... Mike, you wouldn't chug a Topo Chico. No, because you can't! Sometimes you're drinking it, and you feel like this isn't even wet. It's just a bunch of bubbles gathered

together. They're falling out of your mouth. They're climbing down your throat. You create the illusion of wet. I took a sip and I was like, I swallowed it and I was like, what the hell? I took a paper towel and dabbed it off my tongue. I'm like, yeah, it's wet. What is this? And I went to the bathroom and drank it in front of the mirror. Yeah, that's liquid

going out of my mouth, but what the hell is going on here? This liquid's dry as a bone. It's a bunch of gas masquerading as the mirror. Yeah, that's liquid going out of my mouth, but what the hell is going on here? This liquid's dry as a bone. It's a bunch of gas masquerading as a liquid. Yeah. Well, so here's where it came. Here's how it all came to be. There's not really a... I didn't find any type of concrete date when this started,

but ranchers would have Topo Chico's. Topo Chico's is likeo Chico's like an old company from like the 1800s. Yeah, baby. Out of Mexico. And I think it's Monterey, Mexico. It's a mineral water out of Monterey, Mexico that fabled that the

this mineral water hold on, where I had it somewhere here. It's like a cure-all or something, right? It was, yes, there was a hold on where I had it somewhere here. It's like a cure-all or something, right? It was, yes, there was a, hold on. There was an Aztec princess with a disease that no doctors could cure and this mineral water from Monterey cured her.

That's rumored. So anyway, Tobo Chico. And what these ranchers would do at the end of the day, they'd have a Tobo Chico, they'd take a few sips out of it and pour in some tequila. And just like that, they got a walking happy hour. Damn, I love it.

So that's the kind of one we're going on today. It's almost like the spaghet style where you take a drink, you add the rest of the ingredients, which I'll get to in just a minute. Love it. Love carrying the bottle around. That's charming as hell. And I will say this, this is the way that I've had it at Salazar

in Frogtown. I've had it in a Topo bottle. Oh, that's smart of them to just do the real thing. You know, this is our big July 4th episode. Oh, wait, we forgot. So take this. It's just like the spaghet.

You show up with Topo Chico's. Everyone goes, oh, great. You got some. You were supposed to bring liquors. Well, guess what? You pull out of your shorts. A big old tequila. And you're going to add those together.

Like I said, we'll talk about that in a second. But there's a different. In the Washington Post, I read this article. And it. But there's a different, in the Washington Post, I read this article, and it, so there's a way to make this drink that's like in a long Collins glass type of a thing, you know, a long, what are we calling that? Collins glass. Which is a little more involved, a little more cocktail bar-y. Let's see. There was a bar in Austin called Ranch 616.

And in 1998, this guy, Kevin Williamsonson said he put ranch water on his menu. Now, ranch water would already have been a thing. It was like decades this has been going on with people just adding tequila to Topo Chico. But this guy said he started it, blah, blah, blah. Let me talk about the one we're going to do. Yes, this sounds agreeable to all yes yes yes take yourself a 12 ounce bottle of topo chico chilled don't warm it up don't warm it up don't heat it up chill it keep it chilled if it comes to you chilled keep it chilled then you're gonna

want an ounce and a half of blanco tequila and then a half ounce of fresh lime juice start by pouring out or drinking. I think I'll be drinking. Yeah, I think I'll be drinking it. Two ounces of the Topo Chico. Add the tequila and the lime to the Topo Chico bottle and drink away. Give it a nice little swirl, you know?

Sure. You know what's nice about this, though? You take one sip, you're swirling. It's stirred. It's ready to go. There you go. So that's the one we're going to do. You want to make sure your bottle is cold as fuck because this is a drink.

When you got no ice in there, there's no nice melting going on or anything. You're just only getting warmer and warmer. So you got to start cold, chug fast. Now, this other one, I'm not going to go through the amounts because, quite frankly, it's not what we're doing today. because, quite frankly, it's not what we're doing today. But, you know, the other version calls for the tequila, the lime juice, but also in a Tobo Chico, but then adds Cointreau or other orange liqueur, agave syrup, and yeah, turned it into a margarita.

A marg, yeah. And fresh lime slices, yeah. Yeah, I mean. So I'm not going to do a, you could do a fresh lime slices in your Tobo Chico bottle. I am not going to. Look, a lot of our drinks in the last couple weeks have been some version of like a liquor and lime and I don't know, syrup

or whatever. We did the Caipirinha. We did the... Like four of the last five. But hey, I'm pleased as punch. Lime fruit. It's kind of our... It's kind of like our thing of the month. it does seem to be i guess it is our thing of the month you know what i mean it does seem to be a summer drink of the summer vibes it's fun it's a fun thing to arrive at a pool party with or something uh it's fun to

see people's topos and then have little limes in there and say you have a ranch water my friend yes my brother in christ um oh my god my my favorite uh podcast was just talking about this you listen to the fucking sloppy boys oh my god i do too you know we all do are you you seem so cool you're not single are you yeah i am single hey you want to go make out somewhere well oh geez do you do you feel like tim is basically pretty much your boy at this point yeah but i also love his two co-hosts but my point is this could be a nice uh fun romantic thing that sparks a relationship this is a meet cute yeah for all slop heads absolutely a meet cute and so if you have one of these and you're walking around you should be kind of prowling around like oh no no no no if you're gonna act like that you go home i was gonna say

i'm hard but then i thought hey we have female listeners i'll make it wet um but folks if you don't like walking around the bot we're doing the bottle version because we think it's fun for this summer yeah um if you do you could build this whole thing in a fucking highball glass and i think that that guy at that hotel in austin yeah that was about customizability like hey i'm serving you uh it's basically a tequila soda or like a marg but it came with a topo so that you could water it down as you go there was also another article i was reading, this is a very customizable drink. Almost like the Planner's Punch.

And one article recommended putting some jalapeno in there. Ooh, pineapple? Jeff, I like the way. I see a lot of pineapple and mango floating around in these. Ooh, yeah. Yeah. There's also Topo Chico's. We're just doing, I just got the plain ones.

But there's also like grapefruit and lime Topo right to say nothing about Topo Chico's ranch water come to think of it that's what I had and didn't really like was Topo Chico's released ranch water but this is the real deal

see I've only had Topo Chico's hard seltzers I didn't know they had a ranch water yeah they just started selling ranch water well this is exciting real deal. See, I've only had Topo Chico's hard seltzers. I didn't know they had a ranch water. Yeah, they just started selling ranch water. Well, this is exciting. Let's get into it, and we'll come back. We'll talk about all the tequilas we got and get into that shit. I've got an interesting fact about my tequila,

and then I've got a story about my soda. Oh, all right. All of that and more after the break. And we're back with Ranch Waters. Let's see them. They all look the same. Uh-uh. Oh, do they?

Look at this blue. Jefferson, me too. No, no, no. Mineral. What are you doing? Mineral. That's not Tobo Chico. That's not regulation. Everything must be just so.

You've made the wrong drink. Hanford makes the drink correctly for the first time in three months. And he's wagging his finger at us. No, no, no. And now, now that you two have made it with the same thing on the other end and I've made this, I'm the wrong. I am the wrong. I am the wrong again. I'll tell you also, I didn't

have Blanco. I used Espolone Reposado. Why don't you just name this a different drink, Jeff? I'm kind of fucking up over here. Jeff, I want to hear about your search for Topo, but first I want to have sips yeah sure let's do it oh yeah oh that's good yep you know this this makes you this takes me down to texas makes me want to have a brisket taco.

A Frito pie. Yeah, this drink got me feeling like a bit of a cowpoke. Yep. This makes me want to play for the Houston Astros. Yeah. Mike, does it make you feel like anything it makes me feel like i'm trying to figure out what it makes me feel like it makes me feel like i want hmm hmm maybe i want more lime in this or something

um half ounce of lime i found it to be about a half of a lime that was squeezed yeah um same and that's kind of a lot a lot of lime already mike you're you're the thing is we're dealing with a lot of bubbly water here so that's why it's a diluted drink i always thought you would just pour a shot of tequila and then squeeze one normal lime wedge but no this is you need a lot it's gonna it's 10 ounces of water by the time you're mixing you need a lot i put my i put my lime in there and the thing went haywire dude same thing that didn't happen to you with the spaghetti as soon as i get if i get fresh citrus and anything carbonated i'm chasing bubbles crazy it's good it's. It's nuclear. It's nuclear. I put some vinegar in my baking soda that I

was keeping it in this volcano at the science fair and then I put some vinegar in it and it... I'll tell you what I had the other day. My friend Steph was telling me she saw this thing on TikTok. Your front step? Tic Tac? What the hell is this story about? I had a Tic Tac on my front step was telling me she saw this thing on tiktok your front step tiktak what the hell is the story about i had a tiktok on my front step what are you i had some shirts on my back patio

i was gonna say shirts on my stoop and then i paused because it's too similar i had a sweet tart in my garage i had a mento alright alright the kids on TikTok are making their own colas by putting guess what they're putting in LaCroix to make a cola chocolate turds

a little balsamic vinegar and they like it these kids are eating laundry detergent pie two years ago and they garnish with these kids these kids are eating uh laundry detergent pot two years ago i don't know yeah and they garnish with a tide pod oh yeah this goes down nice that's good you know my complaint before after two sips because i didn't i didn't swig it around too much because it just started foaming. So I did two sips, and it's like mixed itself up. Sure. You got to tip it all the way back.

It still is a weak drink in a good way. It's a crushable, standing in the sun, I'm thirsty, and I'm chugging. It's not a stiff little cocktail. This is fun. I'd say it's a weak drink in the sense that I'm going to have one every day of the week. Mike, what about Sunday of church? Okay.

Okay, want to hear my Topo journey? Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Well, first off, my tequila, 818 Kardashian Blian blanco baby calabasas is oh pretty good i cued the cuervo on this one smart um jeff is your reposado kind of smoky or what mine's espalone fancy that's okay yeah oh people put people put mezcal in this too i would not enjoy that no no thanks you can if you want. I said to myself, Tim, you got a pod today.

You better go get that Topo. And I said, yeah, well, that'll be easy. I'll just, I'll simply just walk up Hillhurst, pop into any place, buy Topo. I strike out at Cap'n Cork. I strike out at Daily Donut. I strike out at Lucifer's. i strike out at uh daily donut i strike out at lucifer's i strike out of the liquor store and then i strike out at the albertsons i with my tail between my legs i i buy a minaragua made which i think is haritos's version of a mineral uh mineral water it's the

same fucking thing right jeff it's dry's dry bubbles. It's dry, bubbly south of the border. It's delicious and it's great. But I bought one of these. I'm walking back down Hillhurst. Who do I see in front of me? Some tall, good-looking guy, sunglasses.

Tim, I was in Brooklyn. No, this was kind of like a guy with like a West Elm Caleb kind of a vibe. Walking down. A what? What's in his hand? Topo Chico. Where the fuck did this guy get this?

This guy. By the top shelf, he's so tall. I start walking. He reached up to shelves I couldn't get. My stubby little fingers couldn't get under. So I start walking up behind him.'m sweating i walk up and then it was kind of weird because it's a small sidewalk and i waited till i was i didn't want to call after him so i waited till i was right neck and neck with him and i said excuse me where'd you get that topo and he said oh right here at all time

and i all time wouldn't have thought to go to All Time. But All Time's a restaurant. You wouldn't think they're selling bottles. Right. And I bet they would have charged me like a bar price. It would have probably been a $5 bottle instead of a $1. Not good for the pod. Exactly.

But I'm pleased with my Minaragua, and I'm pleased with my 808. 818. 818. You know what would be a nice way of doing this, too, is if, you know, you're in a city or something here in New York City, and you're like, oh, geez, I got to be somewhere, but I want to kind of get buzzed on the way, pop into a thing at a Topo Chico and a small nip of a whatever. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. You're saying it's a good road soda, huh?ico and a small nip of a whatever. Ooh, yeah.

You're saying it's a good road soda, huh? It's a good road soda. Nice. A walkie-talkie, copy no-no. And no. Popo no-no-no. That's right. You're walking around, you're lit, you're having the time of your life,

you get a little heat behind your ear. Everyone thinks, ooh, this guy's just having a Tobo Chico, and he's being so charismatic and funny. His breath stinks. He's had four of them. He's stumbling around barfing. He's leading everyone on this subway train in song and everyone loves it. See, I've made that mistake

when I had a scorpion ball sloshing it around, going up to cops, hey, Popo, no, no. Walkie talkie, no, no, no. See, a scorpion ball is not a walkie talkie. No, not no walkie talkie no no no see a scorpion ball is not a walkie talkie no not a walkie talkie walkie talkie walkie talkie no no no sounds like something grito would say he shot he shot second according to us okay we're so we're saying han shot first han shot han solo no why does george Lucas, he invents a character named Han Solo

and then people in the movie are calling him Han Solo and you're like, yeah, yeah. Actors, you can call him Han Solo. I call him Han Solo. You say whatever you want. Pick an A sound. What's the problem? I don't walk around saying, yeah, it's Kelpakis, Kelpakis, Kelpakis.

Some call you Klapis. Yeah, a lot of people call me. A lot of people say sometimes this whole town will be Clappus Wood. All right, Clappus. All right, Clappus. Now, we're having a great time. Yeah. As are the listeners.

I need to know. I need to know. the listeners i need to know i need to i gotta ask you no the fateful question what would you change as we head into round two i would try that i would try that uh the uh adding the triple sec oh i would give it a world turning it into a mark would you yeah um i would i'm not i'm just having too much fun with this mine is starting to get a little warm, and I do think it would be the version that's customizable in a highball glass with cubes would probably be more refreshing, but I'm just having fun drinking out of a walkie-talkie.

Yeah, this is cooler. Yeah, it's casual. You don't have the commitment of like, now I got to deal with a glass? Yeah, you put this in a glass and add ice, I feel like all of a sudden I got to put on a coat and tie. Right, right. No shirt.

No shirt, no shoes, no service. Whereas this one, you finish, you just, when you're done with it, smash the bottle on the ground. Yeah. You lift up, you open your window slightly and you baseball pitch that, tis the season, baseball pitch it right out the window.

Let's see if you guys can tell the tonal difference. I'm going to blow one note, and then I'm going to take a sip and blow another note. See if you can tell if it gets low. Okay, good. I have perfect pitch. Do a big sip. Okay.

That won't be a problem for me. The guy's a fucking drunk. Okay, note one. Beautiful. Ooh, that's a high D. That's a high D. Thank, note one. Beautiful. That's a high D. That's a high D. Thank you. I don't know what that was.

That was like a whole waiver. Quaver? That is definitely a semitone lower. Oh my God. That's good podcasting.

Folks, stay tuned. We're going to do this for the next 10 minutes. If I barf back into it, it'll go back up. Oh, did I tell you guys how my pan flute lessons are going? Mike? Are you really taking pan flute lessons? Yes, they're going well. My teacher says I'm top student.

I'm top student. Yes, of our group. Mike, stay after class. You're top student. Okay. What do you need to tell me? I want to tell you again after class. All right.

Folks, let's take a little break, and we'll come back, and we'll give our final thoughts on these ranch waters love it oh yes as women our life stages come with unique risk factors like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy which can put us two times more risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. And we're back! With our final thoughts on Ragewater. Love it.

Going to drink it again. Stone Cold Classic Pool Party Popper. Now, Tim, you left out one shining classification. Uh-oh. Do you think it has drink of the summer potential? Oh, Jeffy. Not only do I think it's up to that level taste-wise, I feel like the amount we're getting kind of tagged in these,

that it is actually the zeitgeist is paying attention. I think it's culturally primed. It's sitting pretty. Damn. It's sort of the Nancy Kerrigan at this moment. But is there a Tonya Harding waiting in the wings? And where are the three Hardings coming to town? No, we like it. But, Jeff, do I have...

I blurted out Stone Cold Classic. I don't know if I have the authority to give it that distinction. You're kind of the grandmaster of that. Tim, none of this shit matters. What? See, I take my job as editor-in-chief of booze news really seriously you should you should pay homage to yourself as grand matt what do they call when you're the guy at the end of the parade the grandmaster grand marshal grand marshal or is he the front you don't

think it's marshall mathers is it well it depends if it's in detroit probably yeah he'll do parades. And of course, at the other parade, they should have the Macy's Day Parade wrap up with a little M&M wrap. Yeah, mom's spaghetti. Even if it's just Santa Claus doing it. I mean, on Christmas, I have eaten my mom's spaghetti. You only get one list.

Do not miss your play. I'm stunned. They haven't done an M&M crossover with the M&Ms, the cartoon M&Ms. Oh, my God. Stunned. I am stunned, too. Plus, he did all those commercials with Marshall's clothing store. Dress for less.

No, that's Ross dress for less. You want to dress like me? Go to Marshall's. Go to Marshall's. I think Rick Ross was doing Ross. I grew up with Marshall's in my town. There was one in Kingston, New York. So I did a lot of shopping there and thought like Marshall's, wonderful store.

But I hadn't been to Ross Dress for Less or TJ Maxx. So I went to those places. I was like, what's this cheap crap? I want Marshall's. I want Marshall's. I want the good polo stuff. I want the good irregular polo rejects. Patterns I've never

seen and will never see again. Three sleeves. A medium collar on a small shirt? I'll take it. I'll take it. Alright, Michael. Yes, this is Oregon. Final thoughts. This is Oregon for me. And I do like the idea of this being the drink of the summer.

It's very fun. And it also can be the drink of the summer because you can do it the fun way or you can do it the cool cocktail bar way. It's two different crowds that could order this. Yep. Now, what makes the cocktail bar way different, though, from just getting a tequila soda?

Is it just the Topo is better than normal club soda? Yeah. And then serving in the bottle is the, I mean, you're right. I mean, I guess the Topo being so bubbly is a good thing because whenever you add liquor or citrus to soda, you're diluting it. Normal club soda isn't as bubbly. So this gets the bubbles down in there. And you're saying if you add the orange liqueur, you're saying now it becomes a margarita well i mean uh a bubbly salt kind of a skinny marg um bubbly marg well hey i'll tell you this for damn sure it beats the the pants off

of dirty shirley for drink of the summer yeah for sure yeah it's an order again i think um is it just a tequila soda no it's much more it's a very diluted tequila soda with a lot of bubble yeah and uh folks you gotta try one and make your own decision is it the drink of the summer i think it just may be yeah and now here's something this, call us. Call us day or night. Dial our landlines and let us know. There's something I forgot to mention when I was talking about the history. One of the theories of how it's got its name, which I don't really agree with,

was Lyndon Johnson used to drink something called bourbon and branch, which is branch water, which I think is another name for mineral water, and he would drink brandy, or what did I say, bourbon with a splash of that water. But I don't really, it seems to me like people on ranches were drinking this. What's this? Don't bring an old white man into this. Speaking of old white men. Speaking of old white men,

isn't there like a um on like the ed sullivan show wouldn't there be a puppet that was like oh topo gijo popo gijo that's uh what it means for santa claus but wasn't that no i know what you're talking about tim but i don't remember his wait what what is that is it um well whoever he, he's a stone cold classic. A little dude of the summer. Topo Gigio is a children's puppet on Italian television in the 60s. Okay. Damn. Okay, so we've had some fun talking.

Now, let's get into a segment we like to call quiz time. And the name of this quiz is The Netflix Original The Ran... Hold on a second. No, no. The Netflix... You got it. Hold on, I need to look something up.

Hold on a second. Hold on. Oh, yeah, I was right. I was right. I just spelled it wrong. Tim having a great time over there with the migraine. Oh, boy, it's kicking my ass.

Well, good. This migraine will be fixed with this. The Netflix original, The Ranch Quiz. Yes. We all know this show. It's Kutcher's follow-up to That 70s Show. Kutcher, you know him as featured in the Motherfucker Quiz last week. That's right.

Yeah, yeah. So here we go. These are questions about the Netflix original, The Ranch. Question one. Yeah, yeah. So here we go. These are questions about the Netflix original The Ranch. Question one. I'm ready. How many seasons did The Ranch run? Five. Who said four?

Tim. Tim, you get it. Yes! Fuck. Not good. That's okay, Jeff. Jeff, that's okay. You can make it up on this next question.

So now, is it that because Danny Masterson is a sex predator and went to court? Is that what ended the show? All I did was look up on IMDb how many seasons did this run for? Okay, yeah, see. Question number two. Ashton Kutcher's character, Kelso, was very good friends with a character named Fez played by Wilder Valmarama.

Yeah. To what recent Pixar movie did Wilmer lend his voice? Soul? Turning Red. Coco. Lightyear. We don't talk about... Moana.

Coco. Cars 3. Not Pixar, but let's say Disney Was it We Don't Talk About Frozen 2 That song Tim was in it But I don't know what that Okay Timmy

The Family Encanto Come on guys Have you seen it? It's good I've seen it. It's good. Who really like it. I've seen it. It's good. Who's the character they don't talk about? Bruno. Bruno!

They don't talk. Tim doesn't know. Encanto. And they're talking about Bruce Willis' Harmonica Bluesman character, Bruno? That's enough joking around. Number three. No, I'm sincerely sorry. Number three.

Who played Venom in Spider-Man 3? Topher Grace. Topher Grace. Timmy got it. Yes. I should have had that one. I'm ashamed. Yeah, you should have had that.

For the nerd guy, Jeff, you don't know much about this stuff. You're always telling people I'm a nerd guy. I know, but I know it's slow is the problem. Question four. Who played David Duke in know it's slow is the problem. Question four. Who played David Duke in Spike Lee's The Black Klansman? Tover Grace. Jesus Christ. He was good.

That was a good movie. Question five. The ranch star Sam Elliott was the narrator of the movie The Big Lebowski. Yes, that's right, Jeff. In that movie, what does the dude do? Abide. The dude abides. All right, it's 4-1, and I don't know if you can catch up, Jeff.

We've only got seven questions. Wait, Jeff, are you going to use your point quadrupler? I'm just going to be on the lookout for any sort of bonuses or add-ons or side points or style points, and then maybe it'll take me to the finish line. Oh, style points. That's interesting. For your white t-shirt that you're wearing?

Yeah. Tim, I'm sorry. Just for the Netflix original, the Ranch Quiz, we don't really do style points on this quiz. Oh. But Tim did bring up, there is a, you can unlock a point quadrupler. Okay.

Look, I am fortunate that Tim brought that up. God, I should have shut my fat mouth. Because that obviously... You know what? Honestly, just mentioning it unlocks it. Oh my God, it's unlocked. It's up there running around. The crazy thing about it is if you unlock it,

it goes to your opponent. Oh, wow. So, Jeff, you can... So I have 16 points? You can... Oh, no, I unlocked it. Okay. You unlocked it, so it goes over to Jeff.

And Jeff, of course, you have no choice. You have to use it. You have to use it. Oh, that sucks. Sorry, Jeff. We're tied. Yeah. So you're tied now.

4-4. All right. It's 4-4 four four we are on question i'm looking at six here the dude has a penchant for white russians the sloppy boys covered this drink in their hit cocktail podcast in what number episode you know what? Nine. Thirteen. Hold on. I looked it up before, and now I need to re-look it up because I didn't write it down. 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. Why not? I said nine, and Jeff said 13. Okay, hold on.

Let me see if those were right, and I will say yes or no. Where the hell was this thing? Hold on. Let me see if those were right, and I will say yes or no. Where the hell was this thing? Hold on. Damn it. I looked it up, too, and I just didn't write down my answer key. I forgot to write down the answer key. Do you want me to tell you? Nope.

Jeff, you're not the quiz master. Wait, where the hell did it go? I saw it. God damn it. Hold on. He's going through scraps of paper, folks. What did you say? Nine, Tim?

I said nine. And Jeff, you said? 13. No. Both no. 11. Nope. 15.

No. 12. Nope. You guys are going too high. Eight. Nope. Seven. Six. Nope. Six. Five. 17 nope you guys going too high 8 7 6 yeah great question great quiz

alright keep them coming go Tim it is it is 5 to four. Oh, God. And that's with the quadruple? Yeah, even with the quadruple unlocked. So now, but the crazy thing about this quiz,

the Netflix original, the ranch quiz, is question seven, the final question, is always double points. Oh. Always double points. On the ranch quiz. On the ranch, the original ranch the original yeah and all these questions have been dead set all about the ranch the whole time yeah so if you get if you get this

one correct you get two points not just one that could be great for me points it could be great for you it could win the game for you tim and it could also win the game for Jeff. Right. Okay. So, question seven. Has your humble quiz master ever seen a full episode of that 70s show? Yes. No. Jeff, you got it. Yes, I have. And I enjoyed

it. I used to enjoy that show. Me too. Jeff, you win six to five. That was close I said on this very pod I went on record saying that that was the last funny multicam what about the ranch

Tim oh the ranch sucks what about friends it's funny that the ranch is multicam though and they can swear that's like a weird thing to see oh that's fucking interesting my parents watched it Dave and Mary Ellen they were like do you watch the ranch? And I said,

no. And they're like, we watched the whole thing. We don't like it. Do you watch the ranch? No. Fuck you. Hey,

where'd you learn that? Uh, that's a good quiz, Mike. Thanks for, uh, whipping that up. Yeah.

Thank you. And it was a good episode overall, I'd say. I mean, we had a strong contender here. This is a hot drink. You know, as much as I enjoyed the spaghetti, I maybe enjoy the taste of a spaghetti more. But as far as catching on for drink of the summer, not as many people are going to be carrying around Aperol, you know. Right. But I feel like this one it's

just so easy to have this stuff on hand it's just it's easy easy to have on hand that's not as simple as something like a rum and coke right right right it's unique because you're not gonna know rum and coke can't be drinking this summer because people who are who already drink it already drink it and it's just not exciting you got this has the iconography of the bottle and people say oh you tim you seem cool what are you drinking oh it's a ranch water oh oh oh oh my god oh that's actually awesome yeah i'm actually kind of cool guy hey have you ever been nominated for an emmy yeah well what about a wga award two times whoa whoa i need to sit down have you ever brought coffee for the entire cast and

crew of a music video shoot yes actually when we shot lifeguard life i brought a starbucks traveler hey do you know james l brooks's true age yeah absolutely that's our show follow us on social media at the sloppy boys where we release these recipes ahead of time because you're not going to find this on the IVF, folks. And also be sure to check out our Patreon where subscribers can unlock The Sloppy Boys Blowout. That's our weekly bonus episode. Check out patreon.com

slash The Sloppy Boys. Thanks for listening, folks. We'll see you next week. Happy 4th of July. Yeah. Happy 4th of July. Yeah. Happy 4th of July. And don't forget that last one. That's like, it's just a flash of light and the loudest sound you've ever heard.

What about the ones like, Oh, I like those. Oh, I like those. Oh, I like those. Give it up for your boys. Give it up for your boys. Give it up for your boys. Give it up for your boys. I'll put your voice