The Sloppy Boys - [UNLOCKED] Cigars

Episode Date: July 31, 2024

Enjoy this [UNLOCKED] episode of The Sloppy Boys Blowout, our weekly bonus episode available to Patreon subscribers.The guys put their health at risk.Visit patreon.com/thesloppyboys for more! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey folks, summer is in full swing and we're celebrating by unlocking some of our favorite paywalled episodes every week for the entire month of July. It's the Sloppy Summer Sales Event. Five weeks of the Sloppy Boys Blowout, the superior show, delivered straight to your device for free, like that U2 album that time. For more, go to patreon.com slash thesloppyboys. And now, this week's unlocked episode. From June 9th, 2021, it's the Slrons to the blowout.

I'm sitting here with Jeff Dutton. Hello! It's Outfire and Tim Kalpakis. What is up? Woo! And I'm Mike Hanford How are we doing? We're gonna have some fun Thanks for the Patrons for showing up again

Every week you come by The Patrons rising in their numbers Now here's my problem with Mrs. Doubtfire Oh no He got the name from looking at a headline in the newspaper And it said police doubt fire was intentionally or whatever it is. Do you think that they came up with the name?

That's weird. No, but then he added a little doubt fire. Okay, you're right. I like it. I thought, yeah, I thought the headline that he was reading was family is trick that a woman named Doubtfire is not the dad or whatever. Is the nanny not the dad? The nanny not the dad.

That's good enough for me. Write your own movie. No way, I would never. You should. Something for the three of us. Oh, yeah. The three nannies. The three nannies. The three nannies.

Well, gang, we got a little bit of a different subject matter here today. How so? We're a drink podcast usually, right? Yeah. People could say that. Cocktails, beers, seltzers. And then when you come over to the blow blowout we're talking about music we're talking about movies we said one day we'll talk about books we're not there yet well we're gonna get in our library cards yeah we ran that was this is more in the vein of the running one

oh yeah yeah this is more in the vein of the running one sort of the the antithesis in that it's the end of the Where we all did our own thing, recorded it, and came back. So we're talking about cigars today. Cigars. Cigars. Things that we don't usually do. So we... I'm not a cigar guy.

Neither of you guys are a cigar guy. I do want to talk about that in a second, but yeah. Well, what can we talk about right now? Well, were you going to finish your thought? My thought was going to be... Oh, just introducing the episode of that. Yeah. Again, we haven't really convened too much. We said, each of you go out and buy a cigar.

Each of you go out and buy a cigar. Each of you go out and buy a cigar. We'll reconvene and we'll smoke them. And we haven't talked too much about it it but here i see three little dudes with three little round rollers that's right and they're brown brown rounds uh what i was gonna say about the cigar smoking thing i can't imagine like if if either of you like showed up and we were hanging outside and you pulled a cigar out i would be like like, what is this? When did this start? It's like you, I got to imagine it's like if you, oh,

if you like shave your beard all of a sudden. Everyone's like, what are you doing? You've had a beard your whole life and now this. But you don't just like, the transition to becoming a cigar smoker has to be alarming for people. Yeah, I mean, that would be alarming for people. Yeah. I mean, that would be weird to make that jump. I feel like cigar people are cigar people.

Yeah. And it's its own thing. It's not like, oh, a cigarette smoker is also or becomes a cigar smoker. It's its own thing. I mean, that would be weird to be like, I used to smoke a pack of Parliaments a day, and now I have one fat stogie after dinner. But I always think of cigar guys as like – the worst is like some guys go on like a bachelor party to New Orleans or whatever, and then there's like one guy wearing a fedora.

He's probably balding, and he's wearing a fedora on the trip, and he's got a cigar, and he's all excited, and he buys all the guys cigars in there. And especially when it's a young guy trying to act grown up, it's especially embarrassing. Yeah, I kind of associate cigars with older people, and not too old, like not elderly, but like— You mean like George Burns, not too old. Not too old, in their hundreds.

A dead skeleton. But someone who just seems like they've always had a cigar with them. You know what I mean? Right. I've never seen a – when you see people with cigars that are like, you don't do this a lot, and you're not a cigar person. Right. That's not right.

Do you say – when you see someone smoking a cigar, will you walk up to them and say, you don't do that? You're not a cigar person. I'm not buying it. And they said, all right, you're the third person to tell me. I said, if I heard three, I'd be done. For me, my first cigar was, my first legal cigar was when I graduated high school. Yeah, I feel like that's a time for people.

We all had cigars and just seeing like we didn't know what to do so we inhaled it we threw up yeah like four skinny pale white kids in the back of one of our houses smoking macanudos puking on the grass are macanudos like little drugstore little guys i think macanudos are like middle of the think macadamias are like middle of the line. Macadamias are nuts. I know that for sure. Yeah, macaroons are, of course, the cookies. Yeah, we don't have to go down that road. But I will say, you guys are talking a lot about smoking cigarettes, but there's, you know, certainly Bill and Lewinsky certainly had a different idea of what cigars should be.

Yeah, they had a little bit of a mature take. We're going to cover all the uses of the cigar today. There's really just the two. You smoke them or you give them the old Oval Office You fill in the blank, folks. Fill in the blank and hit us up on Twitter. When you... So you said cigar, Jeff, and you said stogie,

Tim. This is also a thing that's like, a cigar smoker is like, someone who talks like this and works at the circus and gets all the freaks in order. Yeah, why would this thing also have a whole personality? Like, why do you have to be

Groucho Marx just because you're... Or, you're like a rich person who's on the cover of a cigar aficionado in a suit. There's all types. It's always surprising, though. When you see like a Vince Vaughn on the cover of a cigar aficionado, you're like, you're a cigar guy?

That sucks. I don't know much about cigars, but I can't believe there's a magazine for it. I bet we could go around, you know how like categories, that drinking game? We could be like, who smokes cigars? And we could go around, you know how like categories, that drinking game? We could be like, who smokes cigars? And we could go around. We all know the type, but how many people can we list before we all peter out? Right, okay. You want to start?

I'm going to say Schwarzenegger. Great. I've seen him with a big fat stoke. Tony Soprano. Great. Wolverine. Yeah, I didn't think of that one. Very nice.

Now, is that Grizzly Logan or is it Wolverine? All of them. Even in the comics? In the comics, he's a cigar chomper. That's a weird thing to let kids see. Agreed. Letterman. Oh, that's a good one.

Milton Berle. Hey. Yeah. Howard the Duck. Oh, yeah. Groucho. Groucho. That's a good one uh milton burl hey yeah howard the duck oh yeah groucho groucho good one um fucking you know what uh fucking uh i got no one george burns you mentioned before throw that one on the uh fire there yeah yeah george burns i'll reuse that one. Yeah. I feel like I've seen Jay-Z with a cigar. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like a late 90s type of cigar. I'm going to say Fidel Castro. Oh. Yes. We've seen this. Yes. Like, who's an old celebrating president?

No. Winston Churchill. There you go. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And for me, I'm really stretching here. Britney Spears. The audience now is screaming, oh, you got to say Britney again.

Britney. Yeah, I don't know. That's a good point. That was pretty good. That was a good run. Kramer? Oh, Kramer in that one episode. Yeah, I don't know. That's a good point. That was pretty good. That was a good run. In that one episode? In that one episode, yeah, yeah.

I would say we can name more cigar smokers than cigarette smokers. No way. Everybody smokes cigarettes. Every Manhattanite smokes cigarettes. There's not celebrities that have their thing as cigarettes. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? How does the carcinogens work out?

When you smoke cigarettes, you inhale smoke into your lungs. Yeah. How does the carcinogens work out? Like when you smoke cigarettes, you inhale smoke into your lungs. Yeah. And when you smoke cigars, you only just, you pull it into your mouth. You let it rattle around. But people still do get like mouth and nasal cancer from cigars. So I'm wondering, cigars,ars are these things gonna get us kind of lightheaded are we getting a nicotine high from these today i think you are could be yeah because that's our mouths just slather it in that's what's gonna make you puke well when we were talking to i don't want

to puke to mike cassidy earlier this afternoon we saw him at a uh backyard barbecue and he's we told him about this episode he said you guys gonna puke that's the first thing he said wow so this is good for me to know i'll go easy confidence cassidy um because i don't know um you know i'm not a tobacco guy and i have had a few missteps where like sophomore year at college i had a roommate who uh dipped and i was like let me take a huge, giant, fat, a big pinch, like half of a canister, I put it in my lip and then I... It was like the middle of a Wednesday. Wait, you fell asleep?

Fell asleep. So it knocked me out and I slept through a class. I had a four o'clock lecture. Wow. So this was like 2 p.m. and I put it in my mouth and I fell asleep and woke up at like 7 p.m. and I was like, did I just pass out?

Like, I didn't feel like, like I blacked out or like I was drunk, but it did like make me fall asleep in the middle of the day. But this was a cartoonishly big joke clump. And you just fell asleep with it couched right there on your lip. Oh yeah. And then what else? I've probably smoked two cigars. Both would be on vacations and both like it was like Dominican Republic.

And it's like, oh, you're supposed to have one of these. But, you know, I have no recollection of whether I liked it. I'm not a cigarette guy. I've had like a handful of cigarettes ever. And in high school, it would be like those black clove ones. Oh, yeah. I remember people being being like those cut your lungs up so you're bleeding your lungs are bleeding fiberglass inhale it that is I think fire fiberglass is in like dip though he is like what cuts your lips open yeah is

it that's so that you so you can absorb absorb itorb it more. Jesus Christ. I don't want my lips all cut up. No, no one does. I mean, it's like miniature. It scores your lips the way a fine sandpaper. Okay, that I don't mind. I remember in high school being at a movie, and somebody had dip, and we did dip. And we're sitting very close to the screen, so we're basically leaning back in our chairs, and I'm lying down, and I'm just

drinking all this stuff, and mid-movie I was just like, oh boy. I threw up all in the bathroom. I was like, ugh. Dip? There's always one weird guy in your friend group who dips and spits in a cup and grosses it. Oh, I had

a different college roommate who would always spit into a Coke bottle and it. Oh, I had a different college roommate who would always spit into a Coke bottle and it was disgusting. I had a friend who did dip, but he would just like melt cartoons in it. A friend? Yeah. He's a friend of yours?

Yeah, yeah. That's not a good guy. I heard he died. That guy, Christopher Lloyd in Roger Rabbit, that freaked me out, man. When he has his big, when he's like, ah! Throws his little shit fit at the end.

When his hat comes off, too. That scared me more than Large Marge. I should have put it in my movie scarves. Very similar to Large Marge because it's got the cartoon bug eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Freaky. Anyway, sorry.

His eyes are red, too. Well, I was saying that there's always a weird friend in your group who dips, but I've never known anyone that chews tobacco. Right? Isn't that like a different canister you buy and it's leaves and instead of putting it right in your front lip you kind of cake it on the side and like baseball players like can they do can baseball players do that anymore i don't think so not because of covid just in general it's like i haven't seen a baseball

player wait so chewing tobacco and dip are different? Aren't they? I think there's a whole- Yeah, I think they're different. I think that it's just like dip. It tastes the same, but instead of being blended up like dip, I think they're like whole leaves. Man, here I am, a middle-aged man learning something for the very first time. I mean, this has got to- To anyone listening that knows anything about this stuff, imagine how annoying this is.

This would be living hell. Listening to this would be like nails on fucking chalkboard so i had to jump up for a second i think a june bug flew into my hair oh you should write a write a song about it how many cigars have you guys had in your life and i'm not talking lewinsky style not up the ass he was not up the ass? The whiskey was not up the ass. Three, maybe? I'll tell you, I had actually one recently, because I moved, and I found one. I had one in the bottom of a box type thing that I probably got 10 years ago or something. And I was like, ooh, I'm going to smoke this thing. And I had it with me.

I was walking around in New York. I was like, I'll find a place to do this. And I had it with me. I was walking around in New York. I was like, I'll find a place to do this. And I couldn't find a place that wasn't like secluded where no one would see me because not anyone would like see me smoking a cigar. So it was like late, late at night. I like went off to like the water side and somewhere in Brooklyn.

It was like, oh, yeah. And like, that's not just like, oh, I need a couple hits of weed. That's like, I'm going to smoke this cigar. Yeah, for like 20 minutes. You're like posting up. I watched a video before this podcast in the, just like how you smoke a cigar, like basics or whatever. And the guy was like, yeah, that usually takes about a half an hour, 40 minutes.

Whew. Jeez. Like, it's supposed to be, I think, like wine, where you enjoy it and you sip it. So we're going to puff on it. You suck through it and you get it into your mouth, but you hold it in there for a second, right? Because you're... You swirl it around a little bit. You swirl it around.

But you can't breathe it out your nose, right? Because it never went into your lungs. Well, this... You can. This person that I saw was like, you kind of have it in your mouth and you blow it out. And right before all of it's out, you go out your nose. And he was saying it's for the flavor. You smell the flavor and then you get more flavor in your mouth.

I think a cigar thing is all about the flavor, which is funny because they stink so much. I think you're going to just incidentally get some in your nose and throat think a cigar thing is all about the flavor, which is funny because they stink so much. I think you're going to just incidentally get some in your nose and throat, just here and there, and that's okay. What you don't want to do is pull it into your lungs. Got it. Right, right. Because this is not filtered. It's a big, fat wad

of tobacco, and that would fuck you up. But it's not filtered, but it's also, there's supposedly no adagens at all. So it's just leaves, baby. It's supposed to be. Pure leaf.

Now, what's a blunt? Is that where you use like a cigar wrapper, but you roll a big fat J? That's exactly right. Oh, I wish I had one of those right now. I would be puff, puff passing it. I only roll little tiny blunts. Not a big fat blunt. A small blunt. Short, thin, almost like a toothpick. You wouldn't

even call it a blunt because it ain't so blunt. It's a blint. It's a blint. Do you guys remember, um, back in the day? Yes. We opened, the Birthday Boys Sketch Comedy Group opened for Robert Smigel.

He was doing a special show of, uh, Triumph, the TV fun house. Yeah. TV fun house live and at TV fun house live there. He did an appearance by Triumph, the insult comic dog.

Yeah. And, um, he would, part of the bit was like all the cigars, Triumph's cigars are always falling out of his mouth and he always puts new ones in there and they're falling all over. And I was, I'm a huge Smigel fan. And then being a little Mr. Dork, after the show, I saw one of the cigars was laying on the stage and I went, picked it up.

And I was like, I mean, come on. It's one of my favorite comedy characters. I'll have this cigar. It'll be a little artifact. Memento, yeah. a little uh yeah souvenir and uh brought it home put it in a little drawer forgot all about it and you can't just keep cigars like that that's why they're in like humidors and stuff it totally like flaked apart and like years later i opened the drawer and there was just a little pile of dust for me to poop on.

This cigar I had in New York, if I was going out to meet somebody for drinks or something, I did this with two friends, I would bring it with me. And then when they went to the bathroom or looking somewhere else, I would put it in my mouth and act like this is something I did all the time. But because I brought it all over the place with me, it was like crumbling and crackling. When I finally smoked it, it fell apart. It was more like it was a joke prop you had.

It was a joke prop, joke prop. Well, Mike, that reminds me of my first cigar. Should I just go into my story? Yes. All right. So the first cigar I ever had was at my aunt and uncle's wedding when I was maybe 13, 14 years old. And I noticed that everybody in the groom's party was handed out nice little, but they're in little tins, in little tins, and they were mac and noodles. And he was really cool.

And he was like, hey, kid. And he slipped me one. Hey, kid, you're a little dork now, but what do you have, one of these? This will put some hair in your chest. And one hair on your nuts. Doink. And so I took that cigar, and I didn't smoke it. I held it close, and I smelled it, and I hid it in one of my drawers at my house.

And then any time one of my friends came over, I would say, Hey, I have a cigar. Like, want to smell it? You were contraband. Smell it. And it was just one of those exotic items that I would unscrew the thing because it was in a nice little humidor. Not a humidor, like a little metal shell.

Hey, have you guys been to Dinky Dutton's house? He's got a cigar they didn't call me dinky oh they called me jefferson they didn't call me dinky he's got a stinky stinky dinky hey do you want to see the cigar or not hey do you want to see the cigar or not i won't let you smell it i don't have to do this you know i can tell on you or not. I won't let you smell it. I don't have to do this, you know, and I can tell on you. So I would pass it around my friend's noses and just

be the cock of the walk. Yeah. But I wouldn't dare smoke it. Nope. Not until my graduation day. Whoa. Wait, so when did you get it? That's, what, five years? Years. And I was like, of course by then you're 17 or 18 and cigars are plentiful, but I had

the Macanudo. Now, when you're saying Macanudo, am I supposed to know, is that a fancy one? It's a brand. Is it a big one? It's not a Cuban Cubano though, is it? No, it's from the Dominican Republic. Got it. So I think it feels like we have an embargo against Cuba, so you can't have the Cuban ones in America,

but the Dominican ones are the closest. Yeah. I was going to say, it's like a Bacardi of a cigar, but that's Cuban, so I don't want to load that in. But it's a middle-of-the-road, solid name brand. You're going to find Macanudos. And so I went to the store. No, it's not Cuban.

It's not Cuban. Right. Dominican. That's why I shouldn't not say Bacardi. So I went to the smoke shop north of me, right? You got a gold bar in your hand. Yeah, okay. And I saw these gold packages.

They look like little Wonka bars. It's in a box. And what does it say on it? Macanudo Gold Torpedo. Whoa. And I said, this has got to be a good one. This has got to be the cock of the walk. And so I said, $15.99?

You're coming with me, baby. Yeah. Nice. So I take this thing, a Macanudo, a name you can trust. Yes. And I walk it to the register. And some lady, because this is a place that sells a lot of weed trust yes and i walk into the register and some lady because this this is a place that sells a lot of like weed paraphernalia yes yeah it's just running this

poor guy through the ringer of like oh this size isn't right i need this size for my cartridge and like nothing makes me go from like hey man do whatever you want to like you fucking loser get a fucking job quicker than like wasting three minutes of my time at a smoke shop something weird though about smoke shops were like think of like the head shops you know from like college or from hippie towns and think of how like vape culture and jewel culture does not fit at those head shops and there's a weird vibe in smoke shops right now because they become little apple stores kind kind of. Agreed. Interesting, yeah. Agreed. They're usually very slick and they're

very mirror-y. Slick and mirror-y. The last thing I want to see is my reflection in a mirror. Ew! Battle! It's frightening. Dry out your stogies! Well, for the rest of my experience, I'm going to throw to the tape. Okay.

Just this guy. How's these uh I'm new with cigars cigars here we do but I've never seen anyone get this one yet never is it whack the sounds pretty whack then no you know I'm not I don't know much about cigars so all right it's mostly okay cool cool all right people like our cigars I was gonna say you sell a lot of cigars here's almost Cool, cool. All right. People like our cigars, though. I was going to say, you sell a lot of cigars here, or is it mostly glass stuff? No, people come and get cigars.

It's not as often as glass stuff. Right on. People still come pick up cigars. It's going to be $17.50. Sweet. I got to review it for a podcast. Okay. The Sloppy Boys.

Sloppy Boys podcast. Is that on Spotify? Yeah, man. Nice. You can take a deep dive into the drinks that you love really yep okay so you review it yep all right mostly drinks mostly cocktails okay today cigars like a thorough review thorough okay i'm good thanks buddy you're all set See ya Have a good one Nice We got a new listener New listener But he did not He liked it He did not give me confidence

In the Macanudo gold torpedo Well it was his first day though He's new there New new I will say Now that I look at it I don't know if they should All have wrapping paper

Scotch tape Holding together The gold Oh no Wrapping paper It makes me feel like Something's afoot Yeah is that gonna be

Like a wet soggy thing When you open it up Might have been tampered with. You're going to find nothing in there but a long turd. Or maybe it's been through the Oval Office a couple times. Yo! Hey, don't let Lewinsky anywhere near these things pin it on her.

Oh, if Lewinsky ever gets her hands on a cigar, you know where it's going. Folks, we love Lewinsky. Yeah, we love Lewinsky. Yeah, we love Lewinsky. And Bill, we love him even more. Okay, so you've got your cigar. You feel strange about the fact that it may have been tampered with. But it looks like you've got a fancy-ass cigar and you're ready to go.

Is that a little wooden box or is that a cardboard box? I'm opening the gold now. I'm just opening it like wrapping paper. It looks like it's in a little wooden casket. Cool. Like you'd find maybe a harmonica or something. And hey, you know, it does look good, and it does look wrapped, and I feel pretty good about the gold torpedo.

Nice. Do you know what size it is? Big. It's extra large. No, I don't know. I mean, it's about the size of, it's about six inches. Yeah. And that looks like the thickness of it is like the thickness I'm sort of used to seeing.

Yeah, it's like bigger than a dime, smaller than a nickel. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, who else is up? Well, I can tell you about my little cigar experience. Oh. Here's what I did. I marched my ass down to the local place. And, you know, much like on our cocktail podcast, I asked myself, what's the image in my head?

Who do I picture? What do I want to be? I'm not a cigar guy. A lot of cigar guys rub me the wrong way. I don't want to be some old old comedian at the friars club chomping on a stogue so i said well what am i going for who do who do i like that smoke cigars and maybe i can walk into my local smoke shop and get some guidance on how i could be like that person that I ever so much want to be more like. Hit the clip.

Here we go. Check, check. Oh, what's up? I am walking into the Los Feliz Smoke Shop. Let's see how it goes. How's it going? Do you know what type of cigar Tony Soprano smokes? Is there a cigar you'd recommend for like a big tough Italian guy?

Well, you know, that guy didn't really take to my antics. He stared at me blankly and said he didn't know what the sopranos was and then when i said what a what would a what would a big italian guy get he said i don't know uh so i picked out the toughest the one the one that looked like the biggest grandest cigar it's kind of maybe the most expensive one too it was 16 bucks let's see how it goes so i've got myself a monte cristo espada blended in the dominican republic but rolled in nicaragua and yeah like i said i i didn't think that that not that i thought that he would know what type of cigar tony soprrano smokes, but I thought he would have some fun with the question. Yeah.

If you work at a cigar shop all day and someone brings up something like that. I mean, I've seen James Gandolfini on the cover of a cigar aficionado and stuff. You'd think that he would at least like be excited to blab some jargon to me about something. But yeah, I got it. This was a young guy. Did not give a fuck. Wanted to me about something but yeah i gotta this was a young guy did not give a fuck

wanted to talk about vapes and jewels didn't want to talk about cigar i think uh you know at a shop like that because i went to like a vapey pipe smoky shop too if you go to like a cigar because i was looking for like a cigar lounge where i could actually like sit down with someone not sit down but like what's what are we doing here what do i want what it's what's going on and where i went to like i wasn't going to get a conversation out of somebody like that because i think it's somebody working a job that they don't want to be at and make a transaction you're just like a a clerk at a place but i don't know it's funny like if you're at a wine shop and you say i like a dry, then people have a fucking field day.

I love it. You know, hey, Sloppy Boys listeners in New Hampshire, specifically in Nashua, New Hampshire, there's a place on Main Street called Castro's Back Room, which was always this sort of cool, elusive place when I was in high school. And it was a it was this was the hang zone you're talking about they got a walk-in humidor and the front room just feels like an old school guys like a men's salon where it's like a ramshackle of bar chairs and uh dentist chairs and oh yeah like it's just like this weird hodgepodge of reclining yeah things, and they got the game on. Any game. And you talk about dames and sports and stuff, you know? Tim, actually, I got a friend of mine who wants to tell you something.

Yeah? I smoke Dominican Coronas. Wow. Oh, my God. Wow. Dominican Coronas. See you later. He's not coming back.

Oh, wow. He's done. Dominican Coronas? I was looking at a little image online that was different sizes. A Corona, I think, is a length. There's a Churchill, I think, is the longest. A Cigarello is the tiniest one. So mine is probably a Churchill?

It's like fat. A Churchill was the longest one. But the thickness is maybe something different. It's like fat. A Churchill was like the longest one. Okay. But the thickness is maybe something different. I don't know. This one's sort of maybe kind of a Lewinsky size. And I felt like I was surprised looking through the case at this smoke shop that I thought the prices would get insane.

And I was like, I should get a good cigar, but i'm not gonna buy some like right $80 cigar they didn't have $80 cigars this was $15.99 and it was the most expensive one they had that's i didn't know like you don't you hear about a bottle of wine it's like $500 yeah are there $500 cigars i'm sure they are but they're probably because of like their cuban imports i think that's the thing is the cuban the illegal element of a cuban you know it's like getting cocaine or something where it's like that's that's the markup and then also you buy them by the box so i don't know what is that like 24 or 20 yeah that probably depends on this interesting all right well i too went to a vape shop my audio is okay on my end, but could not hear the guy

I was talking to. He was not mic'd up with a lav? He was not mic'd up. He also wasn't too... You know, with a lav, you can go just like right up through his shirt, and then you just tape it to his chest hair. I know. He was like, I'm kind of, I got other customers, and I was like, okay. Two seconds, though, really. He didn't buy it. Okay, here we go.

Hey, how's it going? Can I look at some of these cigars? I'm looking for a long cigar. Oh, I can pull it up. Oh, I thought it was locked. Okay. This one's pretty neat. Is this a good one? No, no, no. I'm smoking them for the first time with my friends on a podcast. a good one? No way. I'm smoking them for the first time with my friends on a podcast. It's the Sloppy Boys podcast.

Sloppy Boys. Sloppy Boys. We're a band and now we're a podcast. Anyway, we got a Patreon. It's all, it's great. Let me see. It's a podcast, but we also put it on Patreon. Yeah, I kind of like this long one here. I'm kind of a long, thin guy. I'll do this one.

So you said said these are all like weed pipes huh or tobacco tobacco I understand these are crazy look at some of these this one looks like a lizard no I stay away from the weed myself I smoked once and watched the Tiny Toons for two and a half hours got a Rick and Morty one too cool all, I'll just do this one and you'd snip the end off, right? When did you guys move from the other place? Nice.

Glad you could stay open during the pandemic. There was an electricity problem going on in the plaza, so that's why we're closed off. Oh, shit. Well, I hope it got worked out. Thank you. Alright, stay cool in here. It's getting hot outside.

Slip. Holy shit, there's a lizard. All right. I'm turning this off. Back to you guys. The reason I knew they switched locations is I went to the location with the sign, and there was this thing that said we're right down the other end of the plaza. So that's what I was asking about.

But yeah, he at least offered to snip the end, and I said, maybe I should have done that, actually. So what I ended up getting was a big long one. I got a thin long one, because I thought this was funny. And it reminded me of kind of like a Groucho one that's just like a long, and you go, hey, and you tap the side. It looks like a pretzel rod. Yeah, it does. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to offend you. Mike's got a big old roll of gold over there. This is a, the name of this is an Olivia. I decided to get the Olivia after the Olivia Rodrigo. Yeah. Yeah, Olivia Rodrigo. Hey, we got a new theme going. It's a series, I think series five, or series V. Olivia after the Olivia Rodrigo. Yeah. Olivia Rodrigo. We've got a new theme going.

It's a series, I think series five, or series V. It's got a V on it. And this is from Nicaragua. Honestly, Mike, that's actually a really good series. You're going to be happy with that. This is Nicaragua. I'm glad you brought up the snipping of the tip because I've got a nice bullet tip on my macanudo. Yeah.

That's going to be easier for me to snip than you chumps. I've got a rounded kind of Lewinsky tip. And I know what you mean now is like if we had one of those little guillotines off with its head, but you also don't take off the whole. You want it to be sort of like toward the tip so it's a small issue. Yeah, that's what I was looking at videos about. It's like you don't even need to take off the whole round. Right, you want to get the top part of the round.

Then I saw another video where you cut it like an inch up. That's bad. And I think that scissors are wrong. I think we should use a serrated bread knife. Are you serious? Yeah, don't you think that scissors won't be able to cut through that? But see, I think the thing with the guillotine is that you have a blade on both sides and that it sort of splinches in.

All right, I was able to cut mine up. Sorry, go ahead. Okay, you did good. Did it splinch in? What you don't want to get is a big frayed end where you're like smacking little bits of tobacco off your lips the whole time. I know I'm going to do that, and I also know I'm going to get saliva all over it. It's going to be a big wet slime. Yeah, Tim, I don't think you should, because you got to, this is like really, this is like

thinner than a dime. You should probably use the serrated knife because I think this will just like smush yours. Right. Mine started to get a little smushy and then it cut through. And Jeff's, yours can snip because it's- I think I'm snipping here. Ooh, smelling this thing doesn snipping here. Ooh.

Smelling this thing doesn't smell great. Yeah. Let's give it a nice... Like, I've smelled a cigar. I was like, that's okay. This smells a little... You know what this smells like? Fish food. What are you talking about?

You know when you, like, feed fish in a... Fish tank. And you open it and you smell the whole thing. Like a fish house. Yeah. Where fish live. A fish cage. A fish's meal.

You want me to smoke a fish's meal? Let me smell yours. Here. I'll try to do smell mine. I mean, yours smells like fish food. Doesn't it? So, see how yours is like a lighter wrapping? Yeah. Also, oh, just so the listener listener knows tim went to go get a knife that's why he's not so i'm gonna do a little snip jess

is lighter and i think that's like a milder a lighter cigar is milder from the video i saw mine's a little darker i think should have a more rich flavor i'm gonna do a quick snip because i think if i do it quickly, I'll get less debris. Ready? Here we go. Tim, how does yours smell? We were just talking about the smells of ours. I mean, yeah, that's that.

It's the smell I associate with like a cigar store Indian, you know, like a wood carving and those kind of places and old guys and i guess caribbean vacation thank you um i i cut mine with a knife and when i it was a nice sharp serrated knife and when i started sawing i was like this is perfect and then i got a little impatient went a little too fast and then at the end it did kind of get frayed in the way but I think it'll be okay. It's holding together. Should we get into it? Oh yeah. I think there might

be a lighter on that far table. You know normally with cigar shops they'll sell those butane lighters that go like and they have like the blue flame so you can really just torch the shit out of it. We just have Bic's here. It's harder with the Bic because you really got to rotate and like keep

sort of drawing in. Yeah, because it's not just gonna be like one light and you're done. No, it's not like a cigarette. You gotta kind of roast it. And now, my thing is like a gold wrapper that goes right to the end. That's okay to torch that, right? It's got like a sticker. Oh, I don't know. I wouldn't...

Oh. But I don't like peel that back or anything, do I? No. Oh, I don't know. I wouldn't... Whoa. But I don't, like, peel that back or anything, do I? No. Oh, yeah. Oh, man, I guess so much spit all over my cigar. Now, when I pull on this, do you see any embers? Yeah

You just gotta keep rotating it As you're lighting it Tim, you got a funny looking cigar there Not funny, but it's It's got so much like decoration on it It looks like when It's very adorned. Yeah.

Are you supposed to be smoking that sticker stuff? The wrapper? I don't know, but it looks like what Castro would smoke when he's... Oh, no. This comes off. I was like smoking a weird plastic thing. Yeesh. You know when you see people in movies and stuff and they have the the cigar just, like, tucked in the side of their mouth,

and they're talking with it? Yeah. Like, the smoke's getting all in my face. My eyes are watering. Now, this is cool. We got to do cigars two and three. Cigars are good, like, props to have in your hand when you're talking. Mm-hmm.

I got a good light going here. It's thorough. Even. Yeah, that's good uh as far as i can tell do i have a little sand in my mouth yes yeah my my mouth there's like a sting happening in my mouth you know what i mean it does remind me of the clove cigarettes from high school so is that that sting is not just the burn of hot fire that is the that's the the nicotine working through my tongue here's what i this is a real dork thing that's going on with me is like i bring it up to my face to take a little pull on it and just the fire like the smoke coming from the tip of it the breeze carried that into my face it made me cough yeah give it a couple

pulls just into your mouth. Like, don't pull it into your lungs. Like, check it out. Yeah. You look cool. And when you were doing those pulls, the end of your thing was really lighting up. Mike, does mine light up as much as Jess's? It really was.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but you're not as even. You're kind of just on the one side. No, but you get a nice red tip. I got a lot of ash going on mine. I think you're supposed to, like, I've already taken, like, so many puffs off this thing. Yeah. Just because I want to see it, like, puff up.

Yeah. But I think you're supposed to be, like, really slow with these. thing yeah just because i want to see it like puff up yeah but i think you're supposed to be like really slow with these you don't but you but you want to you want to take a do a nice run of puff so that you can collect it in your mouth and then do a nice big uh blast of smoke yes you know what would be great is if i could blow a perfect smoke ring and then i blow it up in the air and it says tim calpagas is king of the stogie, after all, in the end. I inhaled accidentally. You guys playing it up.

When I was coughing, it was not because of what was going in my mouth. It's truly just I'm facing you guys, and the breeze is coming very lightly at me, and every time I bring it up to my face, just the end goes into my nose. That was not a full inhale, but it got into the... I don't think it got down to my lungs, but it got into pretty close. And it stings. Hey, I'm like a stogie guy. What about the prescriptions?

Yeah. We should have brought ashtrays or something. Yeah. It's me, Tony Soprano. Oh. Okay. Well, I'm enough puffs in that I should be able to have a sense of this cigar's flavor. This fine.

Get your ass on me. Shit. On your clothes? Yeah. Show me. Shit. On your clothes? Yeah.

Now, when cool mobster guys are hanging around a smoke shop, are they getting ash in their clothes and saying, oh! No. And they're spitting and coughing. I got some fire on my Birkenstocks. I know. I'm spitting a lot, too. I think that's like a part of it. I don't think so.

I think like a. Sure. A guy. Not a cool guy. Yeah, cool guy. Cool guy wouldn't do Sure. A guy... Not a cool guy. Yeah, cool guy. Cool guy wouldn't do that. Now let me ask you this. Every...

Truly, all ten of my coughs are when I forget and I just hold my cigar in front of my face. The end... The smoke at the end is so much stronger than the smoke that comes through. It's like secondhand smoke. Am I getting a flavor? Can I tell that these

are nice dominican leaves this isn't um gross to me i feel like i've maybe had a grosser cigar than this cigar yeah we're just the taste alone makes me a little like this oh, this is nasty. It's nice. I mean, as of now, I don't think it's my thing, but I think I can understand this sort of just, what's that stuff that you, like Nag Champa that you burn? Incense. Incense. Is it just like, oh yeah,

the flavor and the burning and it's nice, or am I supposed to be at, you know, feeling like a little bit relaxed, like a nicotine buzz? I think you are supposed to be feeling a little relaxed. I feel like cigars is a big ritual thing. You pick it out and you smell it. The little video I was watching, the guy's like, first step is look at it, see what's happening here to notice the work of art.

And it's, you know, if they're rolled individually, you know, and like wine, I guess. I think it's just a different version of wine type stuff. Yeah, I can see how people would be into this and would want to do it. Yeah. But it just seems like it takes a long time and I just can't find time. It's a big, big commitment. I remember last time I went to Castro's back room. I was home for a bit and I met up there over Christmas with Tim Kenean.

Oh, yeah. We got halfway through a cigar about this size and that's a good half an hour. Yeah. I mean, good hour. I don't know if I'm into the time commitment of cigars. I like them. it's a special occasion thing for me maybe you make a schedule and you stick to it

every day from 9am to 9.40am I'm smoking a stogie if I like the taste of it maybe it's like coffee I didn't like coffee at first and then I drank a bunch you like get to like it maybe

well you know we've talked about how my way into wine i now like radical raspberry radical raspberry and that led me to enjoying pinot noir so maybe if i started off with like a you know chocolate chomper i could work my way up my only uh bummer with this is that i'm not collecting the smoke in my mouth that i expected i would like i i thought you know you give a bunch of big puffs and then you got a big old smoke cloud that you can try and blow rings with or something maybe do like just one long one yeah i did a real long one i got sick of just holding in my mouth and then i tried to see if i could get some up into my sinuses without going to the lungs.

I know. I can't do that. I can't do it. You know, just from the back of your mouth, there's holes up there. I should be able to get it into my sinus. And I kind of did a little bit, and it made me go. I'm going to chop a bigger hole in my end here. Now, to anyone listening, we might not sound cool,

but we look like the fucking Entourage guys, you know? We all put on a zoot suit. Oh, yeah! Zoot suit riot! I look like Tony Soprano, and you guys all are like a couple of Christophers.

Mm-mm. Spoilers! A zoot suit riot. There you go. My hole was too small, now I'm cooking baby Can you guys blow a ring? How would you do it? You put your tongue in the middle But you would have to get smoke down to the underneath Your tongue Oh there goes a perfect one

Oh perfect rings All around I like cartoons when they Somebody blows the ring, this may have been in Pinocchio somebody blows the ring and then shoots uh like i just did that jeff blew like a big heart shape ring and i shot a cupid's i was looking away i was looking at my own ring and i just blew a perfect monica lewinsky stop it would you stop god if lewinsky could get her hand mitts on these she would be in fucking hell. I'm still getting that. You know why I think we're spitting a lot is because we're smoking these very fast.

I'm like, yeah, true. Right, because cigar guys, if you're sitting in the Friars Club and you're Groucho, you're not spitting, are you? I hope not. No, I hope not. Nah. Kick you out of the Friars Club. Yeah. No more jokes for you. We won't you out of the Friars Club. Yeah. No more

jokes for you. We won't roast you. We only roast the ones we love. No. No! It's a shame that they haven't roasted us yet. Well, Patrons, there it is. Cigars. Uh, well,

let's do like what we usually do for the main and order again. But you don't really order mike you purchase sure sure purchase again i mean look at me i look cool i look i'm like the swingers guys times the rat pack guys plus a little pony yeah i mean what when would you do this i would say like a celebration, a bachelor party, a wedding. You have a kid and you say, it's a boy. It's a boy. Who's getting a bris?

Two cigars. Hey, you know the cigars you see in cartoons that look like almost like football shaped? They're like thin on one end and then get fat and go thin again? Where are those? Maybe those are hand rolled. I think they're all hand rolled. Folks, a lot of speculation on this one. Let us know what you think about cigars.

Yeah. Do you like them? Oh, for me, order again. It's a, this is very much an appointment only. I would never do this by myself ever. I can only picture this at a wedding or for some reason it's a group vacation to Cuba.

Which is illegal. To bring a group to Cuba? Right now. There was a brief period where Americans could go to Cuba, but I think already that closed back down. I would do this by myself. I'm outside. I got a nice fire going.

I got a nice, an old bottle of scotch. Oh, classy guy. Right. Finishing off your novel. Yeah. I'm finishing writing my novel and just starting to read Moby Dick.

Call me who? That's, I, I used that joke on Neil earlier today. Um, you, but if you were, you know, if you were having a classy night by yourself, you would not. You would do the scotch. You would start the roaring fire, but you're not sucking on a stove. No, I don't think so.

I would say for me, I'll probably never smoke one of these again, but I could definitely see myself going Lewinsky style. Oh, Jesus. When you say smoke one, just one that not that... What was the brand of yours? Monte Cristo Espada, Mike. So you're never going to smoke a Monte Cristo Espada

again? Never again, but I will smoke every other cigar on the market. You might like the Olivia series. Maybe you're an Olivia man. Yeah, maybe. Alright, gang. Let's gonna wrap it up. That's the blowout for this week. Happy smoking.

Enjoy your stogie. Yeah, happy smoking. Puff away. Somebody stop Jim Carrey. Thanks Patrons for tuning in. We love ya. Keep it up. We'll see you around the next one. Puff puff pass. And good luck out there.

All right, hey, guys, just checking in after our cigar night. I woke up, brushed my teeth, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth again, and I can still taste the cigar in my mouth. My review on that is an F.