The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Carey O'Donnell: Caught Red-Handed (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: September 13, 2024

Writer, comedian, and co-host of the Sexy Unique Podcast Carey O’Donnell joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to talk CAUGHT RED-HANDED stories! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories from callers about robberies at the Phish festival, summer camp obsessions, taxi cab arguments, a very special “Wild-Card” conversation, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Jazz! That's right, it's jazz time! Hi, Andy Richter here. You're listening to the Andy Richter call-in show live on Conan O'Brien Radio. That's right, it's live! I'm sitting here right now.

It's not on tape. There's no editing. So I have to watch no more crackpot racial theories coming out of this guy. Just straight up nice person. I have a special guest here today. Kerry O'Donnell. Hi. Is here with me.

Kerry is from the Sexy Unique podcast. It's hosted by you and Lisa Marie Shannels. Laura Marie. Laura Marie. But I like Lisa Marie. Somebody put Lisa Marie. And you got a live show this Saturday at the Bourbon Room in Los Angeles.

Really exciting. I really should come see it. You should. I've heard clips of it, but I've never. I'm a terrible podcast consumer. Really? Myself, yes. I'm just terrible at it.

You know, the good news is that I have friends that don't listen or watch any of the stuff that we're talking about, and they just have fun listening to it in general. Oh, OK. Hopefully that bodes well. I definitely will give it a listen because, and my producer Sean told me

that when we booked you, every female in his life was absolutely thrilled because they all are obsessed with your podcast. That's, I'm happy to hear that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whereas this place, this is a total dude room. Yeah, this is, I felt bro vibes.

Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely. Your shoulder is gonna be sore from high fiving me at the end of this. Yeah, I'm gonna, I butched it up as soon as I parked on the fourth floor. By the way, that's a lovely leather vest you're wearing. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Well, our topic today for the calling in

is caught red handed. You know, we try to find these different sort of juicy topics for people to call in for the calling in is caught red-handed. We try to find these different sort of juicy topics for people to call in and caught red-handed. I don't really have any good caught red-handed. I mean, I guess. Are you Catholic? Were you raised Catholic?

No, I wasn't. Okay. And there are ones that I guess I couldn't, like someone reading someone's text to someone else by breaking into their iPad kind of thing, but like I don't really wanna. Devulge? Yeah, I can't really get into that. Personal, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it's, you know. Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person that you were talking about and sent it to that person? No, my thing that I like to do is- Sorry, I asked if you were raised Catholic. No, that's all right. I just feel like- Why is that?

Why, because I seem so guilt-ridden? I'm Irish Catholic, guilt-ridden, shame-based. I operate on a place of shame, so I just wondered if you feel, because I think I'm always feeling like I'm being caught red-handed even when I'm not doing anything. Yeah, no. See, that's because I think I'm always feeling like I'm being caught red-handed even when I'm not doing anything. Yeah, no.

I, see that's what I think, like there are different groups that like to claim ownership of guilt-based living. Yes. Like Jewish people love to do it, Catholic people love to do it. There is a Midwestern version that is, it's like a, well, who are you? Who do you think you are, Mr. Big, too big for your britches? Right. And there's a lot of, like you said,

like if something goes wrong, like if there's a screw up scheduling something, or somebody didn't get an email they were supposed to get, I always think I fucked up. It was me, it was me, I did it. I'm the weak link in the chain. And then it's not me, but I still feel the residual feeling of like, well yeah,

but I still fucked it up somehow. You go full martyr mode. Absolutely. I'm like, behead me now. Yeah, yeah. Put me on the stage, like burn me now, I am Joan of Arc. Which is one of the most glorious ways to self. Emolate?

No, to just like. Oh, self-flagellate. Yeah, but to like celebrate yourself. Oh, it's completely selfish and self-serving. And it's disguised as, I'm doing this for you, but I'm actually like. Right, exactly. Look at me and my exquisite suffering.

Yeah. Exquisite suffering is the name of my brand. Of menswear. Of mens leather vests. Very nice. Well, no, but I think, yeah, there's, well, I was gonna say the only sending text, and I've done this twice,

where I sent out a fundraising email for either a charity or some political thing, and I send it to everybody. Like I said, I did this twice. Everybody in my emails. And because it's raising money, it's the rich people. And I forgot to BCC. So everybody.

So like- To make wealthy people see other wealthy people is the greatest grave offense. No, but I mean, but there's like some, there's like, there were some scumbags in that list too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who were like, you know, like, now I have, you know, Will Ferrell's email or whatever.

Right. And then I just got roasted for years on an email chain where people would let it go for six months and then all of a sudden it would just, I'd get an email in the middle of it like, hey, how's this going? Did anybody get something from this again? Exquisite suffering is me getting political emails

multiple times a day now. Oh yeah, yeah. And I love, I get Kamala's, she and Tim Walz, they text me, O'Donnell? Question mark, question mark, because I think it's like a robotic thing, but it doesn't sound like gym teachers yelling at me. O'Donnell!

Especially him. I've been getting, I get texts, and I have been just deleting them, because I give money, and I just don't wanna, like I already give money, I've given money. Yeah, you don't need to do it anymore. And I will delete them and then when you swipe it, it says delete and delete and report junk.

And I've been deleting and reporting junk for every political fundraising thing that I'm getting. And then I started getting texts that were just saying like, Andrew? With a question mark. It's like you're being yelled at by like an elder family member. Yeah, but it was so transparently to me

like somebody like making me think, maybe this is a relative in trouble. Again, shame base. They're like tapping into that and they're like, you're in trouble because you're not giving us $5. Right. We didn't make our monthly target.

Well, what fucking prob- how is that my problem? I know, or- This arbitrary number you picked. It's all falling apart. Some of them are like really desperate sounding and kind of like meth-y vibes, like an addict, like I'm in recovery,

like in a text where you're like, I just need some. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just need a little. Just send $50 right now, please right now just need people to sign this pledge there are 16 slots left until we fill the quota that we made up yeah okay Sherrod Brown yeah leave me alone Sherrod Brown we want to see you yeah we want you to we want you to visit us I've got bad news for you yeah it's me Sherrod Sherrod Sherrod personal I know's me, Sherrod. Sherrod. Sherrod, personal.

I know. And I love Sherrod Brown. I hope he does well. But anyway, do you have any, I mean, are there any sort of caught red-handed that you would want to share with the faceless crowd out there that? Yeah.

Oh, this is very like insider baseball biz. I was pitching something to someone once and I made a joke about a certain religion that's very big in LA or was big in Hollywood. Scientology? Yeah. Yeah. And they revealed that they were in that.

Oh boy. So that, and even though it didn't feel caught red handed, it did feel sort of like I busted myself. Oh, I had a terrible one. Yeah It was when I was on on a show called quintuplets Uh-huh, and I was the father of five 15 year olds who like were aged 24 to 16 right as they are and we had a whole big press day and a lot of these a lot of them They were like it was their first show,

you know, it was like their first thing. So I did kind of have like a dad sort of role. And the youngest kid, I was talking to one of the press people and we were talking about Scientology. And somebody, we were talking about it and the youngest kid said, well, why do you think people get hooked into this?

And I said, well, I said a lot of the people, because it's so obviously, it falls apart so easily. I was like, well, a lot of people, I said, they don't really have a strength of character. And I said, I think a lot of people aren't real smart. Because the whole thing is like, things that go people aren't real smart. Yeah. Like they just, because the whole thing is like, things that go wrong aren't your fault. Right.

You know, that it's not your fault. And I'm like, then things are your fault. Yeah. And one of my other sons said, I'm a Scientologist. I was born a Scientologist. I was raised in Scientology. I went to Scientology schools.

And I was like, oh shit, I'm sorry. Truly like wearing that nautical outfit. He was not doing that. Yeah. What have you came to set every day? In an Admiral's uniform? Like a chorus member on South Pacific. I have, I haven't been to him in years,

but I have a Korean tailor who, when I was first sent to him to get clothing, it's called High Society. Here's a shout out for High Society tailors on Wilshire. I went, it's like an old place. Yeah. First time I go in there, on the wall, is photos of Don Johnson and the other guy from Miami Vice

and their rolled up sleeve things. This guy made them. There's a little weird asymmetrical jacket like that's all sparkly hanging on a hanger like right on like a wardrobe cart. It has an invoice pin to it, prints, and then on the wall, all the Scientology bigwigs in their Admiral's outfits, and he makes all the Admiral's outfits. You gotta do it, you gotta do it.

Yeah, yeah, and he's a devoutly Christian man, so I, you know. That's okay. You know, prints, Scientologists, sure, why not? All of my right-handed stuff is like child things Yeah, like I called nine one one once with in with a group of children at a swim at a pool Yeah, and I stole a candy and buried it in my backyard. Yeah, you know, so it's not fun Yeah, but I don't have any like I was just like a drunk mess in New York and like an addict for eight years

Yeah, you don't wanna hear about that. Yeah, you don't wanna hear that shit. No. Yeah, cause you're making me remember like, I threw a snowball at a passing car and the fucker stopped and came and started to get out of his car. And so we all went in the house

and he just knocked on the doors like, one of your boys threw a snowball at the car. Like. What if you did like Good Son where they drop like a scarecrow off an overpass and it hits a car and you're like I caused a pileup. Yeah, I'm sorry. I dropped a brick. I thought a cinder block off an overpass would be funny. All right, let's go to the phones. Oh, we got a first one here Scott from New Jersey.

Hey guys, I'm Scott like you said. Hi Scott, so tell us when she get caught or did you catch somebody? So I actually caught somebody and it was a lot more fun than it should have been I think. Me and my buddy Jason were at the band FISH, they just had a festival in Delaware a couple of weeks ago. Okay. We went out there, camped out for that for four days, you know, enjoyed the whole thing, had a great time and it was very much- What kind of drugs did you do? I gotta was very what kind of drugs did you do? I gotta know what kind of drugs were young in Delaware

Um, I don't know if I want to get specific but I'll say something that made things go faster I think that made things go slower and seem more cool. All right Some things that made things seem weird. Is that okay? Yeah, that's great Right now the FBI is plugging it into a database and they're gonna show up in at least a half an hour. That's fine. If we run up the call sooner than that I'll get on the route. Alright so anyway you're in the nitrous mafia and you're in a Delaware parking lot. Me and my buddy we're camping out yes in a big parking lot in Delaware and you know this is the last day of the festival we've been doing it for four Me and my buddy were camping out, yes, in a big parking lot in Delaware.

And you know, this is the last day of the festival. We've been doing it for four days, camping out. And you know, we tried to travel lean and mean, but the one thing my buddy had to bring was his fancy French press coffee maker because, you know, he said he's got to feel like a real human in the morning. He's camping, he's tired, he's blah, blah, blah. He's got to be awake in the morning with a good cup of coffee. So we used that coffee maker for four days,

have a great time at the festival. And it's just been love and light the whole time, man, and all the stuff you'd expect to hear coming out of that. We just had an amazing time, and we were feeling the flow and the vibe, man. So unfortunately on the last day as we're packing up, big storm starts rolling through after, you know, a whole week of nice weather. And so we pack up what we can and we jump in our car to get out of the rain for a little bit. And you know, there's a few things left. There's our camping table, there's some pots and pans and utensils, and then there's

this fancy French press coffee maker thing that he hadn't yet packed up. So we're sitting there waiting out the rain and we see this guy, you know, probably mid-20s or so, walk past our campsite that's been packed up and we see him. He's eyeing the French press. He's eyeing it. He's looking at it as he slowly walks past. And he doesn't touch it, but my buddy says, look at that guy, he's chasing the joy. You know, he's definitely going to come back and if we're not here, he's going to steal my French press. And I said, you know what you got to do, man, if that happens and we're in the car, you ever see jackass, you know, when they blow the air horn, when he's taking the golf swing, if that guy guy tries to steal your first press you lean on the horn as loud as you can and you make an example of him Well, that's what's exactly that's exactly what happened man and

Dude comes over this time. He's wearing his jacket that he had held in his hand, right? so he's not dressed the same as we saw as we saw the first time. And he starts coming back in the opposite direction, and my buddy starts slapping me. Hey, hey, hey, he's back, he's back, he's back, he's gonna do it. Sure enough, dude looks around, reaches down to try to grab the friend's press, and the moment he does, baaah, my buddy lays on the horn, we both lower the windows, yell out the windows, no, bad, put it down, bad dog, bad, that's not yours, that's not yours, you're stealing. And let me tell you man, this guy was so surprised that he didn't even drop it and run, right? He had no plan for what he

was gonna do, that's how sure he was that he was in the clear. He froze. We're yelling, we're screaming, we're blaring the horn, and he's just standing there, pick it up, put it down, pick it up, put it down, look around, what do I do? I don't know, man. And finally he just dropped it and like ran off. And like everybody around us was like clapping and like cheering. And it felt good to be bad at the end of like a weekend of love, you know? Yeah. Four days in Delaware is the equivalent of 12 years. Yeah. Four days in Delaware is the equivalent of 12 years. Yeah.

And it was 90 degrees and humidity and all that. Are you in the parking lot? So are you on pavement the entire time? No, technically. But we're on like a dirt patch with some grass that's been burnt out all summer. Scott, you got to put a higher price on your time. Four days of that and in a car?

Were you sleeping in the car or on the ground? You had a tent? Oh no, no, we were, yeah, we had a tent and so we had set it all up and then we packed it up except for a last few things and we were just hanging out in the car just to get out of the ring. Right.

I feel like a fish show after three days becomes like a barter kind of economy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's gotta be a breakdown in societal rules. Societal collapse after four days. After four days. So yeah, you basically, you should have had a big mallet, and next time you can like actually capture people.

It's like a mousetrap. You leave a bottom pod. A net falls down on them. Yeah, yeah. I wish Biden had showed up to a fish show. Hey man, what's going on? Tell her, hey. All of this jam band stuff.

You talk about things devolving, right? There is a concept after shows called the ground score, right? And what people will do is as they leave the show, they will just watch the ground as they walk, specifically, you know, like a hound dog looking for bags of mushrooms and stuff that got confiscated and dropped,

or somebody, you know, got way too high and dropped their weed or whatever. So you're kinda on the right path. It's like a carpet safari. The best drugs are ones you find on the ground. That's always, I mean, every drug taker knows that. All right, well, thank you so much, Scott. I'm glad that your friend kept his French press.

I can't relate to fish culture in any way, but I respect you being from New Jersey, because I am too from... Yeah, well, and I respect your friend's coffee snobbery. That's good too. Well, I'm glad we all got some respect, and hey, when I get the check for this appearance, I'll put it towards a better slot at the festival next year.

No problem, yeah, or towards your detective license. Mm-hmm. Ooh, I like it. All problem, yeah, or towards your detective license. Mm-hmm. Ooh, I like it. All right, thank you, Scott. Bye, guys. All right, you're listening to the Andy Richter Call-In Show. The idea is you call in and me and Kerry O'Donnell comment on the things that you do.

So, Stephen, Stephen from Atlanta. Hey, can you hear me? Yep. I used to work at a summer camp about 20 years ago in Black Mountain, North Carolina, and was with three other guys in charge of a cabin, both 10 and 11 year olds, about 20 of them. You get a really clear picture and to just how different people raised their kids and we had this one kid who was incredibly particular. Every single night would count all of his things

that he brought to camp. Like every single thing would keep the entire cabin awake, even to the point of counting the deck of cards that he had brought with him. And one night got to only 51 and just completely freaked out on everyone. He was German. I don't know if that plays into it, but he just started throwing around some huge accusations. He said, the kids are trying to destroy me. That's because he stole it from me. And I was, you know, trying to calm

everyone down because it's bedtime. I'm like, listen, no one's trying to destroy you. We're at a summer camp. Why do you think he took one card? And he said, he just wants me to have 50 bond. And where's his camp? I love that option. Yeah. Where is this UN summer camp in North Carolina? Diplomat. Were there other international kids like, let's just take a pause and say, were there other international kids there? Or was it, you know? We had a strange pipeline to rich European families.

Oh, okay. So most were from the South, a lot from Florida. But then every now and again, we'd get some families that would put their kids on a plane by themselves, and they would stay at camp for 10 weeks. Wow, wealthy, neglected Swiss children, yeah. That's what I would do.

Yeah, yeah. If I was a parent. That's what we called them, exactly. I'm going, honey, I'm gonna throw money at you. Yeah, go away. Go away for three months. Go away. In lieu of love, I'll send you to hell.

You can be Steven's problem. Yeah, this 20-year-old seems fine. Yeah. I try to calm down the situation Finally going kid by kid did anybody steal those one card? Absolutely not but we do after like 30 minutes of tearing the cabin apart we find it what like wedged between a kid's bed and the wall where is obviously hidden there the kid who slept right above him in a bunk.

And we took him back to the counselor section, which is really just- The interrogation room. The shower curtain. Yeah, yeah. That's exactly right. And we're just like, why? Why would you steal this one kid's card?

And he said, honestly, I just wanted him to have 51. Like I saw him count it every single night and I was like 20 years old. I didn't have kids thinking like either this is exactly how kids operate and I don't remember it or this is a segment of a true crime documentary. Right. Where you find out like that's when I knew he was a sociopath. That I was the only person, the only reason. Or. He just wanted that kid. Or it was just two compulsive disorders bouncing up against each other. Yeah, I think that feels very likely.

I hate even numbers. Every time he gets to 52, it makes me break out into sweat. Yeah. Just 51, please. Dueling neurodivergence. Yeah. How many years ago you say it was 20 years ago? That's right.

I would think nowadays, like Harry said, neurodivergence is such a, like, it's in the popular lexicon now that I think that now kids would probably be more sensitive to a child that needed to count so much. Because Jesus Christ, that kid, I know he's German, and it's hard to feel sympathy for Germans. I speak as a German, American.

But I mean that kid lives a tortured life. Just a tad like. A ritual based life. Poor little Rutger, you know? Yeah, Rutger Hauer. Poor little Rutger. Yeah, counting everything you own before bed is not, nobody's pumped about that life.

Was, did Rutger go into like a, aha! Yeah, counting everything you own before bed is not, nobody's pumped about that life. Was, did Rutger go into like a, aha, I knew it! Oh my goodness. Did you have to separate their beds after that? Like were they at odds for the rest? So we kept them in the same beds because we're not about preventative care in the summer. Right, and also who the fuck cares?

Who the fucking cares? Deal with it, deal with it. Yeah, this is somebody else's kid. I'm getting paid like 10 bucks an hour. Yeah. And so, no, but that did heighten his fear that everyone was out there to destroy him. And we were like, man, yeah, like, there's evidence there. Kids are trying to destroy him.

He's got it right. That's the worst. When like a very paranoid person turns out to be right. Yes. And then you, it becomes your problem. My heart breaks for little Rutger. Me too. Oh, I wonder where he is now He's probably from

Anti immigrant yeah, I must count all the German faces. No brown ones Terrible like Already already a slave to numbers. And then, now paranoid. Now his paranoia has been confirmed. I was like swim counselor at a swim camp when I was in college, and a kid, we were in the dorms of my college,

and he paced up and down the dorms every night because he said he had to get his mile in before bed. So I just sat out there and had to watch him pace. Wow. But I felt his pain there and had to watch him pace. Wow. But I felt his pain. Yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah.

And I also revered him. Yeah, yeah. Because no one else was doing it like him. Right, right. You know? Yeah, no, it is whenever you. And that's Brat. Yeah.

Brat. That's Brat Summer. To me, I just think Brat, like Bratwurst. Yeah. And yeah, OK. It is Brat Summer. To me, I just think Brat, like Brat Wars. Yeah. And yeah, okay, it is Brat Summer. Yeah, Brat Summer. All right, Steven, well, is there an ending to the story or is that pretty much it?

I mean, did Rutger- No, I mean, we took away his trading posts for one day. I feel like he got what was coming to him. Nah. Yeah, Rutger, I'm sure, turned out fine. They drowned him in the lake. Traveling the world. Yeah. All of his blessings every night now.

Rutger, his howls can be heard in the woods every summer. And one camper goes missing. Yeah, that's an origin story. Rutger's bride. When Rutger first started at the camp, and I mean, there's no way to easily shoehorn this in, but he didn't speak a lick of English. Oh, wow.

And we always invited his brother to help translate, but it somehow made things worse. We're like, you got to wear your harness if you're going to climb. And we'd invite his brother to come tell him, just tell him to put on the harness, and he'd start crying. We finally had a third person who spoke German come and listen. And it turns out his brother, every time we called him to translate was like, everyone here hates you! They're all making fun of you! Oh my god! Oh!

Dutiful. I mean that's so... Maybe it was well-earned that everyone was trying to destroy him. Classic German sibling behavior. Yeah. Yeah. They're all against you. They're all against you. They're all against you. They're all undermining you. You are inferior. Oh boy.

That poor kid. All right. Well, thank you, Steven. Yeah, thanks, Joe. All right, bye bye. All right, next. We got Mitch from Chicago. That toddler in town.

Hey, how's it going? Hi, how are you, Mitch? You got me, you got Kerry O'Donnell. Well, okay, so I went to DePaul University here in Chicago. Home of the Blue Devils. Blue Demons, thank you very much. Ah, shit! It's been a while.

Blue Demons, but they're Catholic, whatever. When you're in the exorcism business like me, devils, it doesn't make a difference. They're all the same So this is before uber or Lyft existed. So I'm out at a party in Lincoln Park I get far too drunk. That's time to live over in Logan Square My friends put me in it. Yep in a in a cab and I then I black out I come out of my blackout in the cab and My don't have my wallet. I have my phone battery in my left pocket and my phone in my right pocket and

Now I'm panicking. I'm thinking well, how am I gonna pay for this cab gonna be probably whatever, you know at least 20 bucks, I remember exactly the price then. But, and I'm drunk, I'm paranoid, I'm waiting, and finally the driver comes to rest at, I think it was Armistead, California, that are red. And so my fantastic drunk idea is I'm going to open the door and just roll out. The cabbie was looking off to the left, I'm like, this is my moment. I open the door maybe six inches. Clearly this has happened before to this gentleman. He peels and does a hard right, throws me back into the middle of the car. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely fucking not. Can I swear? I can swear. Yeah, of course you can.

You kinda already did. Fucking fantastic. Oh, that's true, yeah. And so he immediately takes out his phone, calls the cops. He of course has my address. So we get to my apartment and there are not one but two Chicago Police Department vehicles there waiting for us.

I get out and they say, all right, let's go in your apartment. Let's figure this out. And I tell the guy, I said, I have money in my place. I'll grab the money. I know where it is. It's on my desk. There's a pile of cash there. So three cops go up into the apartment with me. And I go to my room. I know right where this like 60, 80 bucks is. And I go there. And my roommate has taken all the money and left a note, said, sorry, dude, I really need room I know right where this like 60 80 basically. Uh, and so I looked to my super Mario brothers, giant mug full of nickels and dimes and quarters, and I count out whatever was 1875 in change.

And the cop is just glaring like, he clearly wants to, you know, just clock me one. And I, so I hand over two fistfuls of change to the cop. Oh, you mean the cop be the courier? I, it was, I was feeling confident, I guess. Oh, you mean the cop didn't know that the courier. Yeah. I, it was, I was feeling confident, I guess. Uh, and while this was happening, the other two cops were searching our apartment and, um, my roommate, uh, was a home farmer. He was growing some mushrooms in his closet. So one of the,

the other cops comes out with a bag of mushrooms and says, what the fuck is this? The cop without all the changes pockets, immediately arms bar arm bars up against the wall. You know, like classic forearm to the throat kind of thing. Um, and again, drunken confidence, I say, uh, not mine. Fuck off. Illegal search and seizure. Uh, and uh, love that. They do. they do yeah, right? Oh, they do. Yes Yeah, and so the change the mushrooms cop go off and do a little dual chit chat the other guys, you know, I'm firmly against the wall and

Then after like 10 seconds of chatting they drop the bag on the coffee table and they say like, fuck you, you stupid little booger junkhead or whatever. Like you're fucking lucky this time. I get one more little forearm shiver to the throat chest area. And then they walk down the stairs and bring the change to the taxi driver. And that was it.

Yeah, I survived a very little run-in. Frankly, I'm surprised that the cabbie got the money because I would not give a Chicago cop money to give to someone else because the odds are it's not going to make it there. I had a cab story like this. Did you? I was in London with my family for Thanksgiving

and I got wasted and went, tried to bring a guy home to the house that my family was staying at. Cool. And I didn't have money for the cab, so the cab driver drove around in circles for like a half hour. Well, the guy, this British guy was like,

what are we doing? I don't have money either. And then my dad had to pay the cab and pay the guy his fare to get the fuck out. Oh, you mean he? My dad was waiting outside the Airbnb and the cab driver was like, your son is a nuisance, he hasn't paid me and this guy's like,

I don't have any money either so my dad had to pay. To have him take home. Yeah. Oh, what a cock block. I know. Thanks, dad. I wanted to bring you home to my family Airbnb. Yeah.

Dad, this is Thanksgiving. That was. Aren't we all family? My cab shame. Wow. Yeah, no, I just, Chicago cops are, they are their own breed. I one time witnessed out my window,

I lived on Ashland Avenue, and I witnessed what was obviously a traffic altercation that they stopped in the middle lane, you know, like it's like a kind of a five lane street. They stopped in the middle lane. The guy in the front starts to get out of his car. The guy in the back gets out of his car and as he's walking over to the car, his shirt blows up and I see a gun tucked into the back of his pants and he proceeds to pull that gun out and stick it in the other guy's face. And the other guy, of course, 180s from,

fuck you, to, no, no, no, no, no, gets back in the car, drives away. I get the guy's license plate. I call the police. And by the way, my friend and I had gone, we were doing returns, I was working as a production assistant, and we were doing returns at the end of a commercial, and we had stopped, we had a couple returns left,

but we'd stopped at my place to get high, to smoke weed and then finish the runs. And so my friend had to leave, he left, because I was like, I'm waiting for the police. Chicago cop comes, and so my neighbors are there, and my neighbors were a little flighty. They had the information all wrong. And I'm standing there high and the cop just looks at me

and goes, what kind of car was it? And what was the license plate? And I tell him, and he goes like, now I'll radio it in. And he squawks on the radio for a second. He goes like, probably one of our guys. Whoa. And they just like, I was like- To hear that while you're high too. Yeah, yeah, he's like, yeah, it's probably like one of our guys. Whoa. And they just like, I was like.

To hear that while you're high too. Yeah, he's like, yeah, it's probably like one of our guys. You know, like we cops tend to point guns in people's faces. Just take it out, whip it out. Yeah, he's like, so, you know, that's probably one of our guys. And then you locked the door and didn't go out again for a week. I kind of just was like, you didn't have to tell me that.

Yeah. You know? You already kind of knew that, but then to hear it is like, stunning. And then I had another friend who lived in Wicker Park, and he had a business that he kept in his garage, and he was having a war with like a teen down the street. And like a neighbor war. And the teen superglued all the locks

of his entire property, his house, and the office, and his garage, superglued all the locks so his entire property, his house and his, the office and his garage, super glued all the locks so he couldn't get in. My friend calls the police. He says to the cop, like I'm having trouble with this kid, and I guess the kid was kinda like gangy, and he goes, what do I do? And the cop said, well you know what I tell ya,

a thousand dogs die in this town every day and nobody's gonna miss one of them. Like, and then left. And my friend was like, I think he just told me to murder a teenager. Like that was his advice. Oh, okay. All right. A thousand dogs die every day in this town.

I thought for a second you meant the actual dog. No, no. Kill the dog and put the dog. He was calling this human being a dog. and inferring like kill him or implying I mean, you know kill that child kill that child. Yeah Anyhow, well, well Mitch I hope the mushroom business is still going well for you Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I love too. That's such a great cop thing too. We found a bag of mushrooms.

You know, that drug that makes everyone very aggressive. Yeah. You know, that's- That historically- That drug that's the earmark of violent crime. Right. Better arm bar him. Yeah.

You know. Well, Mitch, I hope things are going better for you now. Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Dem yes, oh yeah. Demonstrably better, demonstrably better. Excellent. Thank you for taking my call, I appreciate it. Thanks for talking to us. Next, we have Jeff, or is it Jof from Georgia? It's Jeff.

It looks like D-O-F, but it's Jeff, yeah. I know, I know, but it's nice that even the person that's typing it onto my screen was respectful of your spelling. That's the kind of operation we run here at the Andy Richter Collins show. Yeah, thanks, appreciate it. So what you got for us, Jeff? Yeah, so this is like back in 2003. I just moved out and I lived with two other roommates and one of

them was named, we'll just say his name's Mark or whatever because you know that's his real name. Alright, Mark. How did he spell it? N-E-A-R-C-H? I think it was like M-A-R-K or something. Okay, that's good. That makes sense.

That makes sense. Mark is a roommate name. It is. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah, so I'm living with these two other dudes and then So one day he comes out of his room and he confronts me. He goes, hey man He's like, are you taking my porn mags and jacking in my porn mags? I'm like what the hell? What the hell are you talking about? What else would I be doing with them? Yeah, like just ask if I'm taking them. You don don't need to you know then suppose what I'm doing with them

It's like are you cranking it? Are you taking my hammers and hammering nails? Yeah And I was first of all like you know I don't go into your room and and like who jacked it into a porn magazine anyway. He wanted that to be happening Yeah, you wouldn't be able to open the page up, you know, again. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, you don't have to go into the... Listen, I don't need to explain the mechanics to you, Jeff. Right, right. Yeah, so anyway, whoever was doing it was going inside the magazine, I guess.

Oh! Oh, man. Oh, well, he's got DNA. Right? Yeah, he could spend a little money money get a lab test done and figure it out exactly and wait how long ago did you say this was 2003 2004 but still still fresh from 9-eleven so people were we were still well past the analog porn age at that point I mean that porn mags in 2003, maybe by porn memory, my history is not,

you know, we'll get our researchers to like when phone jacking really started. Get the team on it. Yeah, yeah. I don't even think we had smartphones back then. Yeah. No. I don't know, I mean, all right, so, all right, I'm gonna let this pass.

Porn mags for jerkin' it, fine, it's kosher. Cranking, all right, so all right, I'm gonna let this pass. Born Mags for jerking it. Fine. It's kosher. Cranking it, yeah. Yeah, so I'm like, yeah, first of all, I never go into a room and who does that into a magazine in the first place? So anyway, I guess like a couple months go by, we still don't know who the culprit is, right? So I'm like sleeping in the room. I'll suddenly hear him come home from work or school or something and he goes into the room and all of a sudden I hear like No, oh no Jeff Jeff, I think it was a Bluetooth maybe he's being Dragged out of a drag out of a car. Wow, it's his old roommate. Yeah, Mark.

It's Mark. Mark is here. I heard you on the radio. You were cranking my chicken. You were cranking it to my mags. You were cranking it to my memories. Oh, we'll never know. That was really the most exciting part.

I know. Jeff, if you're still there, call us back. Because I'm not going to sleep tonight. No, I I won't either and I won't be cranking it Patrick from Seattle, I Really want to hear what happened with Jeff. I know well you will keep you on hold after I hope you're not on like a ferry You're super good in Seattle. No, no, I'm not We couldn't take another Jeff here. So I'm in the Seattle area but this took place in northwest Indiana 40 years ago.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I mean you had to be at northwest Indiana. Hey, this is rural Chicago Ed. I know but listen I say it with love and judgment. It's not Kendall County. Yeah well okay don't get too personal. I know, I mean listen I say it with love and judgment. It's not Kendall County. Yeah, well okay, don't get too personal. Yeah.

I'm sorry, sorry. So I don't know why I randomly know that. So 40 years ago, this was 1984. Wow. I was 16 years old. Wow. And it was during a break from the fall musical. So it was after hours. And I walk out into the cafeteria area where the vending machines are and water fountains

and all that. And there's a kid standing in and Kevin, he's a year older than I am. And he's just standing there and I walk up and he says, you know, I think this machine is broken down at the flat, that was the candy machine, you know, candy and chips and all that, the vending machine, and I think you could get your arm up in there and probably grab something. So I said, okay, great. I started eyeballing the hundred thousand dollar bar and got flat on the floor and stuck my arm up into the machine and I'm reaching and getting close, get my fingertips on the candy bar and

Kevin kicks my feet. So I slowly take my arm out and I turn around and jump up and there is the football coach just standing and staring at us with his with his arms folded just staring at us and I and I'd learn out it wasn't me it wasn't me it was him it was his idea it wasn't me I didn't do it yeah literally my hand took control of my arm coach where did this coach come from? Yeah. Uh, I think so it was football season. Probably had their practice and at the same time there at night. It sounds like a sting operation. Like the football coach had, had this other kid as a Confederate and was trying to lure you in some

trapment classic. Oh no, I don't feel guilty any longer. That's, that's great. I don't feel guilty any longer. That's great. I don't feel that guilty. Well, I did. I honestly carried this around for a long time because, first of all, nothing happened. He just stared at us. And then in 1984. Yeah, because first of all, as an adult male in 1984,

you didn't know how to talk to theater kids at all. This was a small, small town. And in his mind, we're all, you know, if you're a boy and you're in theater, you're a queer. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly right. And it's, and in 1984 as a 16 year old, that's the worst thing you could be called. So a lot of- Still is. I say this as a queer, yeah. As a queer. I mean, call me fruity, fine, but yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It was, you know, the theater queers are what we were. I didn't, you know, it never really bothered me, but you know, we wore makeup and dance belts and tights. And that didn't seem significantly different than eye black and jock straps and shorts. But it was and he just he just stared at us for like 30 seconds after I said that and he just turned his back and walked away nothing ever happened and so I had this guilt that I had from that moment on I was like I can't believe I tried to rat out this kid Kevin who I barely knew and

and I carried it with me and I carried it with me and 30 years later he shows up on Facebook and I send him this long message Just you know talking about how terrible I felt and I tried to pin this on him He's like every the kids who cares. Oh, nice Yeah, and so I went to that, sent me an apology to her for all the people I wronged in high school when I got to Facebook. Oh, wow.

But it's enough. I just got off Facebook before I got to that point. Oh, I deleted Facebook. Yeah. I did it during COVID, I did a status where I was so pissed about things people were saying about things happening in the world, and I said, I might be deleting this soon,

and no one commented, and the only person that did was my sophomore year roommate, and he wrote, are you okay? And I went, I gotta go, and I deleted it. No, I got out of there like, I mean, 15 years ago. Oh. Ages ago. Wow, Andy. I just, oh, I couldn't take it.

I couldn't take it. You're a tastemaker. Well, I'm a coward. No. I'm a oh, I couldn't take it. I couldn't take it. You're a taste maker. Well, I'm a coward. That's cheap. No. I'm a coward and I have no past. Well, all right, Patrick, I'm glad that you're- I recognize that cowardliness. I'm glad that you can rest easy.

And you did go bring up something that I don't, I wish that theater kids would realize that the power of being a theater kid that flummox his coaches. Use it. They don't even, they don't know how to talk to you. Theater kids are the scariest and coolest kids. Oh, theater kids are terrifying.

Yeah. And there's not a more liminal space than after hours at a school cafeteria. Absolutely. Especially after play practice. Yeah, yeah. So you had the upper hand the whole time. Right, right. He was afraid.

He saw you and he trembled He was thinking of like I like a hundred thousand dollar bar. Yeah, I want to be in a play I I'm a beautiful singer. Yeah, I sing like an angel, but no one knows I've devoted my life to violence All right, Patrick. Thank you. Thanks guys Hey, Carrie guess who's back Jeff? It's Jeff Jeff what happened the fuck were you getting out of the car and the Bluetooth? Transfer thing yeah, my daughter took the car and I guess when she turned it on it like messed up the call or something You were being like kidnapped. Yeah. Yeah, no we heard we heard a ding ding, and it was like the car thing.

So anyway, let's get right back into it. Because it's so ironic that we're talking about jerking it, and then we got like... Edged. Yeah, then we got edged. We got story edged. I know, right? Where did you guys leave off? No, you left off, and you said you were sleeping,

you heard him come home from somewhere, and then you heard, you know, god damn it, slam bang. Yeah, he gets home and he goes in the room, and he's like, damn it, and he goes to the hallway bathroom, and there's somebody in there, it's that mic dude, and he starts banging on the door like,

you motherfucker, mic, I knew it was you this whole time. He's like, get out of here, and he starts banging on the door like you motherfucker Mike I know it's you this whole time. So get out here. We'll beat your ass now and So Eventually like I guess he came out or something I don't I don't know what happened between you know them two but I was in my room Listen to all this shit like what the hell's going down and then yeah But that dude never like came back to the house ever again after that. But yeah, that was crazy. Was he a roommate or just some like a vagrant?

Was he just like a guy that hung out? Oh, I didn't say that other part, Eric. You guys had cut out. Mike was this drifter dude or whatever, this douchebag, and he would like hang out at the house all the time and nobody really liked him or wanted him there. So I guess he was just there at the house. Cranking. So he was the one thinking the mags into the bathroom all the time but did your roommate did he throw the magazines out or did he keep them there as like a

well there's still some good pages I don't know evidently had him under his mattress or something but I guess the dude's snooping around everywhere I don't know it was weird I found out years later yeah I found out years later that that dude actually like stole my Electric guitar out of my band room too. So that's another they pissed me off about Who was this like he was like an old-fashioned like trained? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and they found the guitar covered in jizz It was hard as a rock. I think it was like dealing drugs. Wow. Well thank you for coming.

I'm so glad that we got to finish all over the place. Thanks Jeff. Yeah, thanks for having me on guys. No problem. Alright, let's go to Dave from Michigan. Hello gentlemen, thank you for taking my call. Hey Dave. You got Andy and Kerry.

Yeah, yeah. It's running late in the show, so I'll try to make it quick. I was, this was about 20 years ago, the west side of Grand Rapids in Michigan. My birthplace. I was working on my car. Excuse me? My birthplace. Oh, you were born in Grand Rapids?

I was, but then they bugged out early, so I was just a baby there. I don't have any recollection of it. Okay well we'll have to talk again later Mr. Richter. No problem. So yeah I'm on Lake Michigan Drive working on my car I got to be to work in a couple hours I need another part so I borrow my friend's truck to go to the Autozone I'm trying to do it really fast so I'm speeding through the S-curve. I get nailed by a Michigan State police officer with his radar gun. I get pulled over on the end street exit and he comes up to the passenger side window.

He asks for a license, registration, insurance. It's my buddy's truck. I don't know where to look. So I open the glove box and sure enough there's an envelope there and I open the envelope and there's the insurance and I just hand it to the officer across the passenger seat and he's just staring at me and I was like here's the paper and he stared at me and then he looks at the glove box and then he looks back at me and then I look at the glove box and I see my friend's brass marijuana bowl in the glove box and then I turn

and look at the officer and say, well, we've got a, we've got a predicament here, don't we? And he says, he says, get out of the truck. And we go through the whole process of like, who owns the vehicle? Where is it registered? How do you know them? La la la. I get all the questions, right. So everything's kind of okay. And I was like, man, I, I like, I got to fix my car and I got to get to work.

Like what's, what's happening here. And he says, well, you're going to have to dispose of the paraphernalia. And I was like, I don't know, it's metal, it's brass. Like I don't have a smelting pot in the back of the truck here. So I don't know what you want me to do with this. And he's like, well, you're going to have to destroy it. So we dig around through this truck. All we can find is a tire iron, like one of those four point tire irons

And um, i'm on the side of the highway In the gravel because he didn't want me doing it obviously on the traffic side I'm trying to smash this tiny piece of metal With this big cumbersome tire iron and it's just it's not working and he's starting to lose patience He was cracking up at first and he started to lose patience and he's like, ah, ah, just, just throw it over there. So I just throw this fricking bowl off into the weeds and the cops like, all right, go, go on your way. You're going to pay the speeding ticket, but you know,

be careful. La la la. So I get home, fix the car, get to work like 20 minutes late, call my buddy, hey bro sorry sorry sorry, bottle of box bowl, la la la and he's like oh man my brother gave that to me. So he goes to the exit and starts scouring in the middle of the night. Yeah and that's a hotspot for hobos in the area. So he keeps on getting accosted by hobos. It's the guy from... asking him for weed probably. Wow. So that's that's the short that's the short version. Wow and it was Jeff's roommate. Hotspot for hobos. Yeah. Yeah yeah it was Jeff's roommate hot spot for hobos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was probably mark You probably found some sticky porno mags there, too. All right. All right. Thanks Dave. Yeah catch later guys

All right. We got a wild card. This is this is because we put out the call We'll take any call. We actually you know topic schmopic. We got a wild card We got Justin in Atlanta. And I guess Justin needs advice. All dudes today. Yeah, I noticed that. Yeah. Yeah. First of all, Grand Rapids, my brother lives there, but that's a tangent. Certainly is. Calling in because found out about two weeks ago that I'm gonna be a dad and wasn't wasn't expecting it thank you for the congrats me we're excited but it's also yeah like I'm very anxious and so I just you know I haven't been able to tell

anyone outside of you know you know my wife and I talked about it and I've talked to my therapist about it but outside of that I just you know haven't been able to tell anybody and so I'm just looking for some advice and any tips or anything you can give would be greatly appreciated. Well, you've made the decision that you and your wife are, well first of all you're married so that's helpful. Yes. Yes. And so was it a surprise for both of you?

Matt Yeah, it was. So we were kind of at the point, I'm 34, she's 32 and for the past few years, we actually got married during COVID, do not recommend a pandemic wedding and so, it wasn't cheap. And so we, the past year or so we've talked about it. And it's been very much like, we're not actively going to try, but if it happens, it happens and it happened. And how I found out was it was a Sunday morning

about eight in the morning. She comes in the room screaming and she's like, Hey, I need you to get up, I need you to get up. And I'm immediately thinking, oh God, someone died, someone got hurt. And next thing I know, I'm opening my eyes, she's shoving the test into my face.

I see it, I know what it means. And I'm just like, okay, we've talked about this, let me get some coffee, let's figure this out. So that's kind of how it happened. Yeah. Well, I mean, is she happy? Yeah, she is. I think definitely, you know, nervous, you know, first child for either one of us.

And I think a lot of my anxiety is one, financial, of course, you know, and same for her. Right. But I think a lot of anxiety is one, oh, there's a lot of unknowns here. There's that factor. And then the biggest factor from my side is, I'll say this, with my parents,

I learned a lot about what I don't want to be as a parent. That's good. I love them. They did the best that they could, but there's just a lot there, and there's a lot of, there's a lot of conversations from therapy that I've had. Yeah, I know.

But they did the best they could. You know who also did the best they could? The Nazis. The Chimer Rouge. They did the best they could, too. No, I mean, that always just like... You seem like you're already ahead of the game having that as a motivation as a parent to not do what your parents. Yes exactly. I think you're no that's kudos to you

Justin for saying that now. I do have the question like if you could make a percentage like what percentage of you is happy and what percentage of you is is anxious, oh of you is happy and what percentage of you is anxious? Oh, that's hard for me to answer right now because just doing this, I can feel the anxiety in my chest growing. Yeah, yeah. Well, by the way, I think it's just because.

They did put up a note for me that says that you said in the voicemail, I can tell this secret here because no offense, but nobody that I know listens. So that's rude, but I appreciate, you could be the seed corn in your life for creating a whole new crop of call-in show listeners. Yeah, that was a moment of anxiety of a call-in answer.

That's all right. No offense meant. Well, the fact is, I understand the anxiety, but start being happy as much as you can because there's a child coming and children are really great. It's unfortunate that this wasn't a 100% planned thing because that just makes it easier because you're already kinda,

because when I had kids, I was ready to have kids, I was kinda bored with myself and my ex-wife and I had, we had been married for like seven or eight years before we had kids, so we were kinda tired of just. Ready for the next thing. Yeah, ready for the next thing. And you're at an age that like I think, you know, you probably are ready to,

I hope, to kind of give yourself over. Cause by the way, it's not about you. As soon as that kid's out, it's not about you anymore. Yeah. And you need to just kind kinda come to terms with that. And also, there's a beautiful freedom to that. You know, like, it's, I mean, I had, you know, I have older kids and now I have a new four-year-old.

I got remarried and I have a four-year-old now. And there's part of it that's like, man, I don't have to think about anything for like another 15 years, because she sets the agenda, and she fills up the time, and fills up my heart with love. You're kind of living on the edge in a cool way.

Yeah. Because you're like, I will die for this thing. Yeah, and you live in a completely reactive way, which can be good. You're sort of, I mean, you have to plan, you have to start a college fund and all of that and make sure that they don't eat rocks and stuff. But you are just, you're kind of living day to day, like is she sick today? Is he in a bad mood? We got to get

him into preschool. I say this as a childless homosexual, but when you have kids, doesn't it, things aren't as big a deal anymore as they were? Yeah, that's the other thing too. That seems great. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that seems important before you have kids that you realize like, oh, that doesn't matter at all.

That's freedom. Yeah. It's liberating. Yeah, yeah. I know it's easy for me to say because it's not my life, but I do think from my own experience, and I don't have an anxiety thing, so again, it's easy for me to say, but you really do have to talk yourself into calming down and this is coming. You're not going to get out of the way.

And take Lexapro. I've changed my life. I have anxiety disorder. Yep, if you got, yeah, that's another one. You're not on it already, it's really helpful. Yeah, no, I'm on, I currently do take medication. I just recently upped the dose for other reasons, not related to this, but my therapist and I have already talked and there's probably gonna be

another doses increase in the coming future as we get closer, but my therapist and I have already talked and there's probably gonna be another dose of increase in the coming future as we get closer. But we'll get there when we get there. Well, I mean, seriously, congratulations. It is a, not to be all JD Vance on you, but it is a beautiful thing. And it's a very fulfilling thing. It's really, really nice if you surrender to it.

You sound like you'll be a great parent, honestly. No, man, I'm really trying not to cry hearing that. A lot of good people in my life have told me that. And, I mean, excuse me for cracking up here a little bit, but you know, just this weekend, I was hanging out with some friends of ours and they have a five year old. And you know, I was showing him attention,

putting them on my shoulders and hanging out with him and buying him a snow cone and you know, and those things, you know, it's a new perspective for me now and I am anxious I do I am scared but at the same time that happiness is there yeah it's just right now you know I'm already surrendered to this to this kid because you know it's the focus right now for me is day to day with my wife yeah she's you know going through the motions and dealing with the sickness

and all that and it's just what can I do today to help her? You got a supporting role now too, that's the other thing. You're not carrying a child, she is, and that's something to remember. Absolutely. Well, Justin, it's good that you're nervous. It's good that you're scared. If you weren't, then that would be more troublesome. So congratulations and just concentrate on loving each other and focus on the excitement

and the happiness. Cause you can raise a kid. Oh, absolutely. All you gotta do, you need money and stuff, sure, but you can make it. You know, you can make a happy life. Yeah, no, absolutely. And I appreciate you taking the time.

Thank you. Carrie, once again, the Sexy Unique podcast this Saturday, the Bourbon Room in Los Angeles. Yeah, I'll get you on the VIP list. We normally pick a best call, but I mean, for Christ's sake, that's gotta be, you know. That was good. I also like the vending machine one. The vending machine one was good, and the jerking it into porn mag. Cranking it. We got to say cranking it into porn mag. It was like a men's emotional men's hour.

It was, it was. This is very, yeah, it was very men's rights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, well thank you very much for listening. This is the Andy Richter Call-In Show. I'll be back next week. So call us, be a part of this thing. It's a freakin' movement, people.