The Three Questions with Andy Richter - JB Smoove

Episode Date: May 18, 2021

Actor and comedian JB Smoove joins Andy to drop some jewels of wisdom. The two discuss how JB got the standup bug, his affinity for giving advice, and why he loves being a work in progress. Plus, JB breaks down his new podcast "May I Elaborate?" which debuted April 26th.

Hello everyone, you are here on a special Lawnmower Outside edition of the three questions. They should be done soon. But luckily, I have an old friend, an understanding old friend on the show today, a very talented, hilarious friend, one of my favorite people, Mr. J.B. Smoove. Hello. Oh, yeah. Let me tell you something, man. Don't disrespect anybody out there in the world. The lessons are starting.

But you don't have to explain life to these motherfuckers out there in the world, man. You don't got to do that all the time. Yeah, you motherfuckers. All the time. People got to feel like they got to explain shit all the time. People go online and fucking Twitters and shit, trying to explain shit all the fucking time. Yeah.

Look, I want to set a motherfucking thing. I would have people thinking, oh shit, he got the lawnmower in the background. See, it creates ambiance and depth, depth to their life and shit. I'm going to fuck toilet flushes, dog barking, all that shit. He got the lawnmower in the background. See, it creates ambiance and depth, depth to their life and shit. I'm going to fuck toilet flushes, dog barking, all that shit.

Wife mad at me, all that shit. Sleep on the couch, motherfucker. All that gets in your life. That's life shit. People got the same shit going on as you.

Some people, right now, you worrying about that motherfucker outside leaf blowing, right? Meanwhile, somebody's home

listening to you saying, I wish that motherfucker stopped leaf blowing outside because I can home listening to you saying i wish that motherfucker stopped leaf blowing outside i can't hear fucking andy and jb see how it works it's a cycle of life some people gotta mow their own lawn so i don't know what i'm bitching about see we're sitting here complaining about someone doing shit meanwhile somebody out there doing their own shit that's right you're playing that's right me? That's right. See? How are you? We're not part of the same podcast family. I actually did a promo for your new, it's daily, right? Your podcast?

It's going to be daily starting on the 26th. On the 26th. Ooh, it's going to be daily. Tell me about it. Let's get the plug out of the way right at the top. This is an amazing concept. It's called May I Elaborate? so what i do here and you see i got all these fucking uh self-help fucking calendars and shit uh with quotes and shit in them some

you know just all kind of shit you know break freaking freaking job this one's my favorite right here zen and shit zen you know these are folks at home these are all like page a day sort of helpful yeah aendars, yeah. A year of gratitude, the one he's holding up now. They're all calendars. They're all calendars, people. And what I do with this, myself and my co-host Miles, we take these amazing affirmations and then I over-explain them to people. Because a lot of times, Andy, I'm going to be honest, people don't understand that shit that people write.

It's confusing. You know, it kind of reminds me of, remember when the Riddler would catch Batman and Robin and shit and tie their ass up, put a timer and shit, and when that timer runs out, Batman and Robin are supposed to be, like, dropped in water or acid or some dumb shit like that? Yeah, yeah. Shark tank. He'll throw a fucking riddle at your ass. Yeah. And sit there, and they'll fucking try to figure the riddle out so they can get the fuck out of there. Right.

And call Commissioner Gordon and still save the fucking day. So it's kind of like riddles to some people. They don't understand these positive affirmations. So basically, a positive affirmation turns into a fucking negative when you don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Right. So I take these positive affirmations, Andy, and I elaborate on them, explain them to people. And sometimes people just want to know clarity, clarity on what these things really mean so they can go on with their damn day. See, I'm helping them. I'm pushing them.

You know what I'm doing? I'm getting their ass out of the bed. Shower, shave. Basically, I am shower, shave. You understand? That's me. Yeah. Shower, shave.

That's me. I am these listeners who tune in to May I Elaborate. I am their shit shower, shave. That's what I am, Andy. I am. I'm that. In that order too, Andy. In that fucking order.

Don't change the order around. Yeah, you can't shower, shit shave. It's a terrible beginner that. In that order too, Andy. In that fucking order. Don't change that order around. Yeah, you can't shower shit shaved. It's a terrible beginner's mistake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless you're shaving your pubic hair while you're shitting. See what I just did? See? See?

That's true. I'm organized. Now I'm fucking organizing people. Now I just became an organizer. Yeah, yeah. You feel me? You might as well shave your pubes if you're shitting already. That's what I'm saying.

You got to be pretty skinny to shave your pubes on the toilet, though. I'm saying you got to have abs. See, now that's another step we just added to the situation now. Now you got to be in fucking shape. Now you got to be shit, shower, shave, and shape. Yeah. Well, you and Miles are like Batman and Robin, and the people are dangling above the vat of acid of their everyday existence,

they don't understand the riddle. They don't understand the key to getting out from under of whatever they're under. And you, as Batman, and Miles as Robin, you guys decipher it for them. You solve it for them. See that? See what the fuck we just did? Yeah. See, that's what I want the listener to understand is that I'm trying to for them. You solve it for them. See that? See what the fuck we just did? Yeah. See, that's what I want

the listener to understand is that I'm trying to help them. See, some people don't have some, when you get up in the morning, that's why it's daily because people need reinforcements every fucking day. They need that shit reiterated to their ass because they'll forget what the fuck they're supposed

to do. See, if someone doesn't step in to guide you to where your life needs to go, I'm an expert at this shit now. You know what I mean? I'm a fucking expert. Yeah, and also, you don't need a podcast. You're doing this out of the goodness of your heart. You know what I've mastered?

Here's what I've mastered, Andy. I have mastered giving a fuck see what i just did you did you did people i'm telling you i have mastered giving a fuck about people i've mastered that shit andy i've mastered it i've got it down to a science here's what i have a reservoir full of give a fuck right right? Yeah. At times in my life, it's just under my nose, you know, and sometimes it's above my eyes. But I carry my give a fuck right under my nostril. So I have enough give a fuck to give away to other people. If I can maintain it right under my nose, and then it drops down under my chin sometimes.

Yeah. That's when I'm giving abundance of give a fucks to people. Right, right. But I maintain my personal give a fucks just under my nostril. See? Yeah. That way I'm not depleted with my give a fucks. Yeah.

When I need my own, I got to hold on to my own give a fucks in order to give people some give a fucks. Right. Feel me? You got to keep your nose above it so you can breathe yourself. Don't you have, Andy, a way of replenishing your give a fucks. Right. Feel me? You got to keep your nose above it so you can breathe yourself. Don't you have, Andy, a way of replenishing your give a fucks? Like, let's just say I gave all my give a fucks to the world. Every last bit of it. And I'm going to tell you, Andy, on my podcast, May I Lab Break, I'm giving a lot of fucks away.

I'm giving a lot of fucks away. So if I can find some way to maybe open a line of give a fuck stations, that way people can go in there and replenish and refill their give-a-fucks. Yeah. The world would be in a better place, Andy, if people just gave a fuck. You know what I'm saying? It's like a hydrogen cell replenishment. Like there'll be special stations. Man, you right.

Special JB stations. And you plug that shit in. You know how people, oh, we've seen this happen. People lose, their charge goes down. Their charge goes down on their fucking phone. And what do they do? They walk around the office trying to find them. Anybody got a charger?

Anybody got a, now, people do the same thing. They just walk around and say, anybody got a give a fuck charger? Anybody got a give a fuck charger? Anybody got a give a fucks? Anybody got a give a fucks charger? See? See? That way everyone, give a fucks are accessible to everyone.

All you need is a give a fuck station. Kind of like when you're driving around in a Tesla and they got these little charging stations. You should be able to pull a fuck over and plug in and get some give a fuck. See? Shit, I'd be stopping three times a day. Easily, Andy. Yeah. Easily.

Have you always been like a good advice giver i mean have and that's the two part have you always been a good advice giver and secondly how did you get to a point where you could give good advice were you ever uh were ever dumb were you ever like you didn't know shit or have you been born with kind of this here's what it is this buddha-like knowledge here's what it is, Andy. I'm going to answer both questions at the same fucking time. I'm terrible at taking advice. See?

And I'm so bad at taking advice that I got to find some way to give advice. See? And my shit don't balance out. Yeah. Why are you bad at it? Because I see shit a certain way, and the way I fucking see it is the way it's got to go. See, I'm anchored in to who I am for the rest of my life. You know?

They already said you can't teach an old dog new tricks, you know? Yeah. And I truly believe that shit. Yeah. I'm an old dog, and I'm just like, I'm that motherfucker. I'm that motherfucker. I'm that motherfucker. I'm the one you sit in the middle of the night saying,

someone shut that fucking dog up. I'm like, who fucking dog is this? People say it all the time. Who's dog is this? Oh, that's just JB. He got some advice. Yep. Yeah. And see, but I'm better at giving.

You know what I'm going to do? You know who I am, Andy? I watch. I watch shit. You know? Yeah. And I'm the dude that stands on the sideline like, yeah, you fucked up now. I'm that guy.

Yeah. You fucked up. I'm the you fucked up now person. I'm the you fucked up now. Or I have a habit of seeing shit before shit happens. I'm not saying I'm psychic, you know, but I'm that dude. I'm that guy that says, I knew you was going to fuck that up. I'm that guy.

So instead of allowing people to fuck up, I intervene. I'm stopping you before you stop yourself because I want you to fucking win. But the only way I can help you win is to sacrifice myself. I'm sacrificing myself. Right. You're value time. You'll see the fucking movies where they tie a motherfucker up to one of those things. They tie his ass up and they cut his wrist and shit, let blood drip into a little bowl and shit. Oh, and then somehow they do a seance and shit, and that motherfucker is depleting,

all his blood is depleting into a fucking bowl and shit. Yeah. And all the people are laying down on their fucking hands and knees and shit, but bowing to this motherfucker and downward dog like in yoga. Praying to some ancient entity like, you know, Bezor or something like that. Yeah, fuck that. Or the sun god. Is the sun going to come out today?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what I want people to sun going to come out today? That, that. Oh, yeah. That's what I want people to feel. I want them to do that dumb shit, but I want them to feel as though I am giving a piece of myself every time I get on this fucking mic on that goddamn podcast.

Yeah. I want them to feel as though they're interrupting my motherfucking day. And I'm giving, and I'm depleting my give a fuck. People listening to this right now, it is now, if they don't listen to your podcast, they are aggressively saying, fuck you, JB Smoove. How dare they?

You give and give and give. And I'm trying to not get mad because I hate to get mad at people. But that's just how the fuck i feel sometimes yeah and i feel like i have a unique way you know i say people sugarcoat shit yeah they sugarcoat it know what i do i sugarcoat that motherfucker fill it with fucking frosting filled with fucking creamy creamy nougat and shit i put nougat in that motherfucker you know what nougat is andy i sure do i mean not really but i i mean i'm familiar with it i have no idea what it's made from nobody no one knows what the fuck nougat is made from yeah but that's what i do i sugarcoat you fill it for the fucking nougat you know you know i like i like that crispy cream uh frosting put some of that shit on that

motherfucker oh yeah that's straight shortening shortening and sugar just in the perfect ratio. So I don't just sugarcoat. I sugarcoat it. I fucking dip it. I fucking fill it with fucking cream and shit and fucking nougat. Oh, chewy and chewy nougat too. There's chewy nougat and then there's creamy nougat. See, there's two kinds of nougats. You got to know your nougat.

See, I don't let me know your nougat yet. But see, that's what I do. Know your nougats. That could be a whole episode. See, I don't know if you know your nuggets yet. Yeah. See, that's what I do. Know your nuggets. That could be a whole episode. Now, let me ask one. You know, I do plan on asking some personal stuff here. Sure, sure.

And one of them is, you said, like, you don't like taking advice. You got your way, and that's it. How does that work at home? See, here's how it works at home. You have to know your boundaries, and you got to know your position. See, I am not, I don't know about you and your house, I am not,

I am not the boss of my fucking house. See, and I have accepted that shit. I don't want the responsibilities of being the boss. Being the boss takes a lot of questions, a lot of fucking answers when shit fuck up. See, that's what the boss does answers when shit fuck up. See?

That's what the boss does. When shit fuck up, that's what takes the brunt of that shit. The boss. I don't want to be the boss. My wife's the boss. She's the boss. You know what I am, though? That's who the fuck I am.

I'm the manager. See? I manage shit around the house. Yeah, yeah. See? Managing shit is a lot easier. You still answer to the boss, but you get shit done and accomplished without the extra pressure of being the fucking boss. That's right.

I just organize things around the house. See? Yeah. I'm an organizer. You're not making the choices. You're just executing them. I'm just executing the shit that needs to get done. See?

And sometimes I get shit done. Sometimes I don't finish. I'll finish tomorrow. See? There's no pressure on me. It's pressure on the boss. Yeah. Because the boss set the shit up and the boss wanted that shit done. But the boss has to work with the abilities and the execution of the fucking manager.

See? Yeah. You know what, Andy? Guess who's the manager of the month every month in my house? I'm going to say you. Fuck right. I got a picture of myself, Andy, in my foyer when you walk in my house. It says manager of the

month. And it's a picture of me with my thumb up. My thumbs up, like smiling and shit, like, wow, hey. It's a picture of me, my fucking thumbs up. I did it again. I did it a fucking game. Manager of the fucking month, every fucking month. Now you got,

you got, how many kids do you have? I got a daughter, man. she's 27 years old 27 now when she was like did you keep on top of like school stuff or was that your wife's thing no no no i kept on top of everything man i used to do my my daughter's hair we had to stand up schedule yeah yeah stand up schedule means you can do you can you can do your stand up at night but in the morning you get up in the morning get get the whole day to your fucking self. All you had to do was get a dress, make a lunch, and do a hair, and then put her in the car, take her ass to school. Yeah.

Got a whole fucking day to do nothing. Yeah, yeah. Right? Talk shit, go run some errands and shit, fuck around the house in the yard. some errands and shit, fuck around the house in the yard. Then about 3.30, 3 o'clock,

go pick her up, bring her back home, get her a fucking snack, afternoon snack, or maybe stop and get a slice of pizza or some shit like that. Yeah.

A little, one of those Icy's and shit. I love them. Fucking Icy's, man. God damn it. What's your favorite flavor, man? I love Icy's, man. God damn it.

I think, I like the Coke. Just like, you know, like the Coke flavored one. Regular ass Coke. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. See, I like that cherry and just like the Coke-flavored one. Regular-ass Coke. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. See, I like that cherry.

And I know how to mix flavors together. Ooh, man. Yeah. You got to be careful, though, because that's like sometimes get one of those things. It's like standing in front of a fire hose. You got to put that dome cup on the top first. Yeah, man. And then you got to have a a real sense because otherwise you could have

a you know a slushy disaster fuck fuck right you gotta make sure that top is on good i'm telling you something those things and then they get like you got the dome top you're right the dome top and you're supposed to fill that bitch up to the top of the dome right that little hole in the top you put the fucking fat ass straw in there you know i fucking love those goddamn ice cream man those slurpees and shit fucking love them i just fucking slurpy up man yeah so um so i would do that you know and then it's an easy it's an easy schedule man help with the homework you know next thing you know it's time to go out to the club again you know i gotta say this this life this stand-up stuff well you know that's our that's where i started at so you know, that's our, that's where I started at. So, you know, for me, you know, I even, I was working two jobs at the same time.

I had my regular day job, which I was in graphic design and printing. You know, I went to college for graphic design and also a two-year college for engineering drafting. But I was a double major in high school. Also, I was an art major also in engineering drafting, but I was a double major in high school. Also, I was an art major also in engineering drafting. And then I went to college and I studied graphic design. I went back to my graphic design at my second school. My first school, I went to two-year college, have an associate's in engineering drafting.

Then went on to study graphic design back to my art in my second college. Nice. So, Norfolk State University. As a matter of fact, Andy, hey, I'm getting an honorary degree next month. Oh, really? Yeah, man. From your old school? I did three years.

Yeah. Went home for the summer and got this stand-up bug, and I didn't go back. Yeah. But I've been involved in my school ever since. What school was it? Norfolk State University. Okay. In Norfolk, Virginia.

So, yeah. You're not from Virginia. How'd you end up there? I'm originally from North Carolina. Right. You were born in North Carolina, but you grew up in Mount Vernon, right? In Mount Vernon, New York. Yeah, yeah.

So my hometown was an hour and a half from Norfolk. So what I would do is, you know, when times got really bad, I got really hungry, I would drive my car to North Carolina and get some real food and shit. Pack some, go to my grandma's house. Do some laundry. Ooh, get some real food, get some laundry. You're right, man. Spend a weekend there.

Come on back with shit wrapped in Tupperware and shit. I'm going to bring, you know what I'm going to bring, Andy? I'm going to bring empty ass Tupperware containers and shit with me in my fucking trunk and shit. Fill it up, grandma. Fill it up, grandma. Shit. Fill her up. Now, do you have a lot of brothers and sisters?

I have two brothers, man. Are they funny too? Both are hilariously funny. Yeah. One is doing stand-up. His name is Pink Floyd, like Pink Floyd. Sure. Pink Floyd.

Very hilarious. He's probably been doing it probably a little old, somewhere between five and ten years, I think. Okay. Maybe eight years, maybe seven, eight years. He's hilariously funny. Does he tour, or is he more local? be seven eight years he's he's hilariously funny does he tour is he kind of low is he more local he is local but anytime i'm in anywhere you know anywhere north of i guess dc yeah like he'll come down i got my opener of course my guy hugh uh hugh moore is my opener but my brother will come

and i'll let him open the show, introduce both. He'll do 15. That's nice. Introduce us. Yeah, that way, at least he stays busy. Yeah, yeah. He works a lot in New York, in the metropolitan area. But anytime I'm close by, he'll come, and I'll let him open the show up.

And I do the casinos up in Connecticut and stuff like that, and Caroline's, and everything improv in D.C. and Maryland and all those clubs, I let them come out and open up for me. How many nights a year are you in a club nowadays? I have not performed live. Well, I mean, not COVID. COVID doesn't count. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what?

Normally, when I was doing a lot of clubs and then I say, you know what, I'm going to do more theaters here's another thing when you're doing those fucking weekends people don't understand you sometimes

you know I've done weekends where I've done nine shows literally you know I mean three like I do a Thursday

a Friday a Saturday and a Sunday and it gets freaking crazy it really does but I slowly merged A Friday, a Saturday, and a Sunday. And it gets freaking crazy. It really does. But I slowly merged out of the clubs, unless it's something like Caroline's.

Caroline's, to me, is like doing a theater. Because even though it's still seven shows, it's just the energy of New York, man. And you know how it is, man. You guys were in New York. That's probably one of the best places to—it's just one of the best places to see and do stand-up. It really is, man. And you know how it is, man. You guys were in New York. Yeah, that's probably one of the best places to, it's just one of the best places to see and do stand up. It really is, man. In the country, yeah. In the country, man.

And just before the pandemic, my last show was actually in Louisiana, in Lake Charles, Louisiana. I flew there. This is like the very tip of the start of the pandemic, you know, where they couldn't figure it all out yet. A few people got sick, you know. It's kind of like how we treated bird flu or... Yeah, or SARS. SARS was one of them.

Or Ebola. Ebola. We didn't know enough about it to stop doing what the fuck we do. So I flew out there, and when I got there, I checked in the hotel. You know, my show was that night and then all of a sudden

I watched the news and it said Louisiana's governor is talking about shutting the state down. So any, any, any venues with more than 2,000 people,

we got to shut this shit off. We can't do it. You got to do 200 people. Yeah. So I had to cancel my show because my show was already sold out. Like 2,500 people at the casino. Oh, wow. You know, off you can't do it you gotta do 200 people yeah so i had to cancel my show because my show was already sold out like like 2500 people at this at the casino wow you know and i was doing all

in all theaters man yeah yeah killing them man i had like i had to cancel like 15 20 shows last year yeah and stand up is so such a unique thing for for for us man because it's it really is as i mean you're on stage, of course, away from people, but it's such an intimate thing. People want to know you are real and you're a real person. And after my shows, I would sell my merch. I would hug people and shit. People would tell me they needed that shit, you know, or whatever.

And, man, it was so fun, man. It really gave satisfaction and gave you a sense of helping people, which is kind of like what I do with my podcast. You know, this is like. Yes. We got to fill the blanks in, Andy. You are a pro. I bring that shit back. Bring it back to the club.

I bring that motherfucker back. See that? can't you tell my loves are growing that power that you have to to make people laugh like when did you first start noticing that about yourself oh man you know what i've always been you know here's where i went from being a fan of of comedy being a fan of you know what i'm inspired by so many things though um people think comedians are only inspired by funny things, but we have to really know about every fucking nuance of everything in life in order to take that thing and reconstruct it and do it as jokes on stage. Yeah, if you want extremely lucky to hang around funny people. Funny people who would never get their ass on stage, who would never in a million years get on stage, but are the funniest fucking people. Whether they're just funny or, no, I got one guy, he's not funny, but funny shit happens to him repeatedly.

Like, I can't believe the shit that happens him repeatedly. Like, I can't believe the shit that happens to him. Like, unbelievable shit. One time he called me, he's talking low into his fucking phone. He said, yo, yo, hey man, hey, I'm downtown at Jimmy's

BBQ down in the village. Hey man, my fucking credit card don't work. I was like, what the fuck? What happened? Man, I don't know what the fuck is going on, man. I think I know what happened. I think I know what the fuck happened.

I think I know exactly what happened. Yeah, I've been there. A hundred percent i know the fuck happened yeah man i'm in the bathroom right now man but um shit man was he on a date yo i just trying to pass time by so my wife keep ordering drinks because fuck man i don't know what to do right now man um, man. Where you at? Where you at? Motherfucker, I'm in California.

Where the fuck you at? Damn, man. You know what? I'll call you back, man. Let me try to figure this shit out. Let me try to figure this shit out. Yeah, you better figure that shit the fuck out. Get the fuck out of that bathroom

and face your troubles, motherfucker. Oh, yeah. Text your wife and tell her to go get the car and have it running out the front door. This dude just does funny shit, man. I mean, stuff that don't make any fucking sense, man. And I think I've just been lucky to hang around funny people, man, who honestly will do anything for a laugh, man. And that's the same thing in high school. I laughed my way through high school and laughed my ass off through college, man.

I just got so lucky, man, that I was around a right group of guys, man, who were fucking hilarious. And we laughed our asses off, man. In high school, man, I laughed so fucking much in high school, man. I almost got left back in eighth grade. That's how, I was having too much fucking fun. I was having so much fun, man. I was ignoring my grades. I literally had fucking all Ds.

And look, and I had one, it went so close that if i had gotten um a d minus that's how the numbers added up i would had to and what happened was our high school because they were building and they were trying to figure out a new place for the for the eighth graders they put some eighth graders in our high school because no one is nine ten eleven twelve so they had a little wing in the in the high school and and i was in that wing in eighth grade and you can't put eighth graders in a fucking high school we're not mature enough yet we we are still fucking around we're still doing regular kid shit and man let me tell you something man I fucked me and my buddies we fucked around so much

I mean I ain't never laughed that hard in my life we would I mean literally leave class and sneak out of classrooms and we was doing some fast times at Ridgemont High shit you know how motherfuckers sneak out of class and shit and do other shit and like be out

doing other stuff. Man, they should have had a truant officer out there to catch us because we were fucking fucking around. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking? No, I literally came down to a D minus and a D plus, whether I was on goal. And that was the last year they had eighth grade in high school and if you got if i didn't pass we had to go back to the old the old overcrowded fucking eighth grade uh uh school yeah and do the whole fucking year again can you imagine that to me sounds like to have to do because i i did not enjoy school pretty much i mean until midway through college.

Because I didn't, I went to, I started two years at just like regular old liberal arts college in Illinois. And then I went to film school. And it wasn't until I got to film school that I started to feel like, oh, okay, now I'm around the people I should be around. And now I'm doing the shit that I should be doing. I should be around. And now I'm doing the shit that I should be doing. So the thought of having to redo eighth grade, oh, my God. It just makes me want to fall down and go to sleep for a year. It's one thing if you a dumbass and you don't fucking get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not a good student. But to be fucking around and do it. I learned my lesson. I learned my lesson, man. I came so close to going back to eighth grade, man. I came so close that the next, from that point on, from ninth all the way to 12th, man, I was a 3.3 average. 3.3 grade point average, man.

Did your parents step in at all or was it just kind of something you did internally? Man, look. Yes and no. Yeah. I mean, no. Not the major details of that shit yeah yeah yeah that's back in the day we used to hide your report card remember that shit oh yeah forge a signature and shit shit yeah that's what you learn for you you sign your you sign that shit you find an old bill or cancel checks that's where you that's where you can see mom's signatures on cancel checks right

and don't forget now report cards were thin as shit remember that they were really thin it was that it was it was almost like parchment paper remember that shit so you could put that shit right over top of an old check and some shit and just trace over your mom's your dad's fucking yeah and if your folks aren't detail oriented they won't go like hey wasn't i supposed to sign a report card? Yeah. Wait a minute. And they're so busy taking care of the house and working and shit. Now I'm going to pay attention to that shit.

But yeah, man, I got lucky, man. And then in high school, the first thing I ever, I don't want to tell you what happened. In high school, I got the stand-up bug because in high school, I got into, on a dare, I got into the dating game. On a dare. You mean on TV, the dating game? No, in the student center at college. Oh, I see on a dare. I got into the dating game on a dare. You mean on TV, the dating game? No, in the student center at college. Oh, I see. I see.

Okay. So in college, I got into this dating game on a dare. Oh, I was one of the bachelors, one of the three bachelors, man. And let me tell you something. My answers, every fucking answer was ripping. People were stomping their feet and shit, throwing shit on stage. I said, yo, I'm murdering this shit. I'm fucking killing them.

Yeah. Yo. So anyway, I killed this shit so hard, man. Andy, I ripped it. Yo. This is how much of a bug I got. Yo, I was fucking like the man on campus for like three months. From that one thing, yeah.

It's all people talked about was, yo, you fucking killed that fucking bachelor game. You know, yo, the dating game. And man, I became the man for three months. I'm going to tell you something, Andy. I was so much the man that I fucking won and never took the girl out. Fuck, man. That's, yo. You already,

you did so well on the game that you already shot past her. I'm past her. Yo, and I didn't even care. I was like, oh shit. But see, here's the thing. I fucking, you picked me.

I shouldn't be chasing you. You know what I'm saying? I shouldn't be, my man don't pick me. You know, I didn't pick You know what I'm saying? I shouldn't be. That's right. You picked me. You know, I didn't pick you. And I just kind of ignored it, man. And yo, I was the man on campus.

I used to see her around campus and shit. I'd be walking with other girls holding their books, walking them to class, and she'll walk by me like. He's the fucking man. He's the man. So how soon did that turn into standup? So then after I did that, you know,

it was crazy, the timing of it all. Then I left, I went home for the summer. And when I tell you, you know, I went home and I said, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm just going to figure this shit out. And I just always wanted to do it so much. Then I heard about this comedy club. First, I went downtown a few times just to watch. What? Downtown New York City? Yeah, in New York. Went downtown to a bunch of clubs and stuff I used to watch.

And then I went to, I started going to this club called the Uptown Comedy Club in Harlem. And man, Andy, when I tell you this place was fucking crazy. When I tell you this place was fucking crazy. When I tell you the line would come, it was upstairs in this,

it was called the National Black Theater. And they had plays and stuff there all the time. And these two brothers, Kevin and Andre Brown. You know, you know, you know Kevin Brown. Kevin Brown used to be on 30 Rock,

actually. Oh. Kev.com. Oh, yeah, yeah. Shit, I know who that is.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. So, him and his brother had a comedy club and man, it was so,

it was like, I mean, it was like a boot camp. It was like a workshop and it was a comedy club all in one. So, we would have,

it's like through the week, you would go to these like workshops and work on your material and and connect with other comedians you know they had a nice network of comedians who worked the club and celebrities would pop up there i mean anybody you could think of would pop up and be in the front row and i'm telling you ain't a lotto it was like it was like one of those places that had like one exit in that motherfucker. And you were going there and looking for the like, if some bullshit happens, how the fuck am I going to get out of here? That's right. And I'm like, what the fuck?

How do you get out this bitch? You know? I know how I got in. But how the fuck you get out of here? Shit. But it was like, oh, man. It was the most amazing thing in the world, man. You know, especially, you know, this is like, you know how comedy stand-up has had its phases.

You know, it's had these levels and phases to it where, you know, something becomes popular. Something becomes the norm now. Then something else becomes popular. You know, everything kind of had, and people had their windows. You know, everybody became popular. It had their own moment. You know, we had the had, and people had their windows. You know, everybody became popular. It had their own moment. You know, we had the Eddie years. We had, you know, you name it.

Everyone's had their years. The Carlin years. The Howard Mandel years. Everybody had their shit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Everybody had their time when it's like, damn. You know?

And stand-up and comedy has these levels to it. My first time going there, I went there just to watch. And I was like, God damn, this shit is packed. The line literally went down the block every Sunday. Every Sunday. I had it once a week. And how old are you at this point? 21, maybe?

22? No, yeah, somewhere around there. And you know what the first thing I did before I even hopped on a stage was I took an improv class. I took an improv class at the Old Improv Comedy Club. I believe it was on 44th Street and 9th, I believe, if I'm not mistaken. The Old Improv Comedy Club. I took an improv class with Marty Friedman. You know Marty Friedman?

I know the name. Yes, man. STTV. Yeah, yeah. Marty Friedman. You know Marty Friedman? I know the name. Yes, man. STTV. So Marty Friedman was my teacher. And man, because I wanted to find out who I was going to be on stage and off stage. So I said, you know what? Let me figure this out. So I took that improv class, man. And I'll tell you something. It was the best thing I ever did in my life, man. Because what it did was, and I always loved to be in the moment. I always loved to improvise. And I always was that dude who would change the course of a party change the course of anything we're doing i would just

pull a monkey wrench out and fucking do some crazy shit and everybody's like holy shit how the fuck you think of that you know i mean and i would just do it and that allowed me to figure out what that was i was doing so and hone it in and i and and use it on stage and stand up so my my whole thing was half my acting was doing it was improvising so i would have bullets of course for written material but everything had didn't have nothing had an ending yeah i would always go by what I hear from the audience to reconstruct the joke and build it on stage. I wrote premises, but I only wrote it on stage. Yeah. So once I took that class, man, I put that in my little toolbox.

And what happened was I started doing performing at the Uptown Comedy Club. Then I started doing colleges. Then I'm doing NACA. I'm doing all this other shit. And everything just started to pile up up man and yeah and then you you become this thing where you have just built a a brand as far as what you um what you're working on and it's like that kind of like that it's like practice all the time yeah you know and yeah and it became this thing man and that became my kind of my path man and i just got lucky hanging around with funny people.

I took that improv class. That was another thing that really propelled me and got me into wrapping my head around what stand-up is. And what it is for you. Yeah. What it is for me. When you start getting like, you know, doing the college shows and you start to, you go from being the guy on the dating game to, you know, I imagine in not too long a time you're in front, you know, you're, you're doing clubs. Was that a surprise to you or was there something in you that knew that this, that this is going to

happen? You know what? Never knew what and what capacity, you know, because you remember when you're, when you're building, when you're building something, you have to go into the stumbles, the ups and downs of it all. Especially when you're improvising. Hell yeah. There's a lot of shit that doesn't work when you're improvising. That's the nature of it. And when you're improvising and you're a physical comedian, you got to realize when you're doing physicality, you got to get the fuck up sometimes. And nothing worse than getting up off the ground to silence.

Yeah. And people say, what the ground to silence yeah and people say what the fuck is he doing you know what i mean so yeah a pratfall a pratfall that dies is bad oh that's bad news yeah that's a silence unlike any other on earth man this this is a beast man and but i wouldn't change the process for anything because, you know, it wasn't – of course the process isn't as fast as these guys have it now. Yeah. You know, we didn't have the ability to have – shit, we didn't even have cell phones.

What the fuck? We had to pull the fuck over and call a promoter and find out where the fuck we was going at, print shit out on MacQuest, and you didn't have the ability to do all this fast shit. Right. And you didn't have a Facebook page to say where you're going to be. You know, we stood at fucking in the

wintertime outside L stations in Chicago handing out two-for-ones. Yes. Yes. Same thing in Uptown Comedy Club. We have little cards, little fucking index cards. They print it and we'll just hand them out two-for-one, two-for-one, two-for-one. And people were all free. They just wanted to fill the room up. They print it and we would just hand them out two for one, two for one, two for one. And people were all free.

They just wanted to fill the room up. They just wanted to fill the room up, man. Sell some sodas, sell some buffalo wings or whatever and get people in there, man, to build something. And man, let me tell you, man, that process humbles you and it also,

you have more of a purpose. And like you said, you don't have any of the resources you have now. You know how many times I've done shows where I didn't get fucking paid and the promoter snuck out the room or whatever. You know, man, you name it. One time I went all the way to freaking Houston and I got to Houston. The guy picks me up. This is to Houston. The guy picks me up. This shit is fucking crazy.

The dude picks me up from the airport, and there's a little kid in the back. I said, hey, little man. What's up, little man? He said, hey, man. I got to make a stop right quick. So we're driving, and then he pulls into this parking lot. This is a promoter. I don't even fucking know this dude.

He pulls into a parking lot. He said, yeah, you're going I don't even fucking know this dude. He pulls into a parking lot. He said, yeah, you're going to have a good show tonight, man. Da-da-da-da-da. So then at the other end of the parking lot, another car pulls up, right? So he turns around to his little son and says, hey, man, you ready? He said, all right, man. I'll see you next week. So one car is way down there and his car is way down here in the parking lot.

Next week, he gets, so one car is way down there and his car is way down here in the parking lot. So his son gets out of the car and starts walking through the parking lot. Then a door opens on that car and a little girl gets out and she walks this way. So they're like this and then they hug and then he keeps going. He gets in that car and his daughter gets back in the back seat of this car. So I'm like, oh, I see what's happening yeah yeah he hasn't he he can't be near her they gotta trade kids every fucking weekend yeah yeah oh my god i'm finding out way more shit than i need to find out you know what i mean it's like a hostage exchange yeah but yeah he never goes into detail about anything about any of my business but he's just like yeah about anything. About anything. It's really none of my business.

But he's just like, yeah, man, we're going to have a great show tonight, man. We sold a lot of tickets, right? He's driving. He dropped me off at the hotel. Let me tell you something fucking crazy. He dropped me off at the hotel, and that was the last time I seen that motherfucker. Like, literally, literally, I'm sitting in the hotel like, damn, what if the show's supposed to start at 9 o'clock, right? Yeah. It's a big place, too. Nice, you know? I said, in the hotel like damn, a lot of shows supposed to start at 9 o'clock, right?

It's a big place too, nice, you know I said, where the fuck, I said, damn what the fuck is happening? Then it was 10 o'clock, then it was 11 o'clock, I said, wait a minute, now wait a minute, I know I'm not opening this show, but god damn, it's 11 o'clock, what time is this shit going to start?

I never seen the dude again and I just said, fuck it man, I went to start? Yeah, yeah. I never seen the dude again. And I just said, fuck it, man. I went to sleep. I went to bed. I said, fuck it, man. Did anybody go up? Did anybody start a show?

So I got up at midnight. I said, maybe I'll take a cab over there and see what the fuck is going on. Yeah. I went over there, man. I saw the parking lot is empty. You know,

I think I looked through the door. I saw a dude mopping the floor. He said, yeah, man. Yeah, man. That shit didn't do well, man. So, yeah, man.

Hey, they canceled it. I said, wait a minute. I called this dude a hundred times from the hotel. Never answered the phone. Never heard from him again. But we go through

that kind of shit. Yeah. We go through that. Man, I can name a thousand crazy stories like that, man. Like, you never know what the fuck you're going to run into. Yeah, yeah. You got comics who are not even sane. that kind of shit yeah go through that man i can name a thousand crazy stories like that man like you never know what the fuck you're gonna run into yeah yeah you got comics who are not even

sane so you got you got so many things to deal with promoters other comedians you know it's like craziness and you it's always some adventure man with you know you're basically working for yourself back in those days it's like man we didn't have any managers back then. You were just hustling. And also, even if you had a manager, your manager would be home and you'd be there. You know, what's your manager going to do? He can't do shit about it. Yeah.

We did one show. It was me, Regiment Fat, and a few other guys, man. And the same thing happened, man. We got to the show. But this time the show was nice, packed. People were there. And the dude just dipped out on the money fucking left us there man so we all just started taking shit like i think reggie took the the fucking uh spotlight he threw that shit in his trunk started his own rental house instead of rolling the microphone cord up i'm taking this microphone cord man i need my own mic anyway.

They just started taking shit. The dude had little decorations on each table, like little flower displays. Yo, we just started taking anything that wasn't nailed the fuck down. Anything. We said, man, we got to get some money back. Reggie took that.

You know how big a spotlight is? He took a big ass spotlight and put it in his trunk. I said, yo, we got to get something out of this shit. Yeah. This dude just got, he just left with all the money. Can't you tell my loves are growing? Between the Tonight Show and the TBS show, we did about two or three months of a tour.

Yeah. And we, you know, Conan and I and the band and people from the show. And one thing I never realized is that, and it doesn't matter what band you are, you get paid at the end of the night. And your road manager goes in to the guy that runs the venue because the road manager goes out in the crowd and counts how many people like doesn't estimate like there's there's. OK, I saw five thousand people. Yeah. And then he goes to the to the guy that runs the place and the guy goes, no, there's only three thousand out there. Exactly. You know, so I'm not going to pay you what X amount So I'm not going to pay you X amount of dollars.

I'm going to pay you 70% of X. Yeah, exactly. And then they haggle over it. And sometimes it gets ugly. I mean, sometimes there's a gun pulled and shit like that just to get fucking paid. A gun gets pulled out because these guys are terrible. You know, they're terrible, man. I mean, you name it.

I have seen it all, man. Yeah. You know, and we, some comedians aren't sane. I did a show. Oh. Far from it. Oh, I did a show one night, and this comedian, he's on stage, right? And this heckler's in the front row, a woman, an older woman's in the front row, fucking

talking major shit. And they get into it on stage. And then the comedian takes, this is terrible, he takes, she stood up and was yelling and doing shit to him on stage. He takes his foot and puts his foot on

her chest and pushes her and she flips backwards out of her chair and fucking, the crowd fucking went bananas like they were going to kill this dude. Yeah. He runs through the curtain,

runs through the green room, right? People are throwing chairs on stage and fucking bottles. Yo, it sounded like fucking, remember that scene in fucking, what's the movie with John Belushi and the Blues Brothers and shit? Blues Brothers, yeah, yeah. They were throwing bottles and shit.

Yeah, Country Western Bar, yeah. Oh, fuck, they throwing bottles and fucking chairs and shit. But they were doing this shit to kind of kill this dude. Yeah, yeah. Man, let me tell you something. They kicked everybody out of the club, but everybody waited outside to kick his ass, man. Yo, and I'm sitting here like, yo, and I drove my car, he rode with me.

So I didn't want to leave him. We sat in that fucking green room until fucking daybreak, man. That's how long people were out there waiting to kill him. They were waiting to fucking destroy this dude. Yo, man, I said, what the fuck did you

do that for, man? Man, she got me mad, man. I couldn't take it dude. Yo, man, I said, what the fuck did you do that for, man? Man, she got me mad, man. I couldn't take it. I said, man, but look, they're going to kill us, man. Yeah, yeah. People outside waiting in the parking lot until 5 in the morning. Yeah, and she— We couldn't leave. You know, I got mad is not an excuse.

It's not an excuse, man. It's never an excuse for like so much. Oh, you know, while I got mad. Oh, okay. for like so much. Oh, you know, while I got mad. Oh, okay.

Man, at that time, you didn't know what was next for you. So it was always an adventure, man, because even though these things happened, it built your character. It really allows you to

respect what a path is and a career path is and all those things i wouldn't change those things because you you have to understand what it is in order to create your own story and your own journey and your own path and when you get somewhere to appreciate it you got to appreciate that shit to the utmost to the fullest man and man when i tell you all those things man holy shit man you name it i have seen some crazy shit man i did a show one night andy and it was a riot in the audience while i'm performing a fucking full riot two tables started fighting each other next thing you know

the whole room is fucking brawling like any fucking western you've ever seen in your life, the whole room is fighting each other. And I'm still on stage performing. I'm just doing play-by-play. I said, fuck it, man. I'm already here. Hey, what I didn't want to do was, I didn't want that fucking promoter to say, you only did 15 minutes. I did my fucking 45 minutes.

You become the fight doctor. That's exactly what I did, man. That's exactly's exactly what I did, man. That's exactly what the fuck I did, man. I'm laughing on stage because I'm seeing some real battles, man. Yeah, yeah. Holy shit, man. You mix those along with the ability to travel and meet people in other countries.

God damn it, man. You start combining your shows with your vacations. Oh, yeah, man. You know, you start combining your shows with your vacations. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, and all you're doing is making people laugh, man, you know, and letting them enjoy themselves, man. That's the main thing. A little bit ago, you said, you know, you didn't know where you're going. And, you know, now, you know, everybody knows who you are. I mean, most everybody knows who you are.

You know, you've had all these different acting roles. You're on TV. Do you still feel like you don't know where you're going? Or do you have like a place that you think you're, you know, is there some set place that you want to be? Nah, man. I fucking enjoy not knowing a motherfucking thing, Andy. Yeah. Here's what it is.

I love not being finished. I love the opportunity to make things brand new in my head and these new experiences. You know what I told Howard Stern one day? I told Howard Stern, Andy, I said, see Howard,

I'm satisfied being a B- actor. Just enough where I can still do shit. Yeah. I said, Howard, you can't eat spaghetti on a fucking patio of a restaurant. You can't fucking do it. Because people take photos of you slurping fucking sloppy ass spaghetti and the sauce and shit is fucking flying everywhere. You can't eat spaghetti on the patio.

Yeah, yeah. Because motherfuckers want to get a picture of you eating fucking spaghetti on a goddamn patio. I said, I want to be able to eat spaghetti. I want to be able to take my kids and my grandkids or whatever to fucking Disney World. I want to be able to do certain shit that, you know, and I still like to grow. I want to feel how it feels to grow. I want to see what's next. I don't want to be anchored in and this is the only thing

I want to do and the only thing I can do. I have spread myself, Andy, I have spread myself all over the fucking place. I'm talking about hosting events, doing my charities, doing commercials, doing movies, doing TV.

My love is coming on the show with you guys that shit gives me a fucking high like no other i fucking love it man because i don't know what the fuck gonna happen yeah i don't know just get to be funny with funny people yeah it's great yeah yeah even though you do the pre-interview and shit we know goddamn well we ain't going to stick to that shit. And that is just the fun of the unknown. Yeah. And our climate continues to change and evolve in our timeline. All this shit keeps changing.

We don't know what the fuck is next no more. Yeah. Next thing's going to be, we're going to have fucking holograms being able to go on the road for our ass. You fucking watch it. You watch it, Andy. You watch that motherfucking hologram. You watch that motherfucking holograms being able to go on a road for our ass. You fucking watch it. You watch it, Andy. You watch that motherfucking hologram.

You watch that motherfucking hologram. Yeah. Yo, I'm telling you. Before it's all said and done, Andy, we may just see our holograms traveling to do our shows for us. Yeah. And we just fucking sit there

and fine tune this shit from our computer. We'll just be like heads in a jar at the beach. Yeah, and you'll be able to do your show from your fucking office and just type in, yeah, Andy, hologram Andy, do this joke. And you'll be on stage in fucking Vegas performing your hologram.

We'll be fucking killing them. Killing these motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? But that's the thing about, I'm not nailed down to shit. I promise you, man. I am so content with just enjoying each thing. I put 200% into everything one at a time. That way I can focus on it.

I can have fun with it. I get a chance to change things and evolve. And you know what? I tell people all the time, I learn something every day. Whether good show, good movie, bad movie, you learn something every time you hit that stage or hit that set. And I like to learn as I go along because I feel like I can focus more on it. I don't like being content with shit because I feel like I'm locked in. If I'm content with it, there's no growth for it.

You know what I tell you too? When you go on auditions, I heard this shit all the time. You go on that motherfucking audition so polished that a lot of times you won't get the shit because they think, you think, you know it all and you fucking are etched into that. And you can't do it no other way than the way you came in here over prepared for the shit. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You have no room for the director to say, do this or try it this way because you are locked in doing this shit the way you came in doing it.

Yeah. So they get frustrated because they feel like, nah, it seems like he's nailed this shit down and there's no room for me to do what the fuck I got to do as a director. Right, right. Yeah, you're there to be told what to do, basically. And you got to be ready to adjust. And I think sometimes on auditions, they give you a note or they give you a change just to see if you can do it fuck yeah you know and and they like it's like you know take it down a notch or go faster and if you do it they're like oh okay you know because that that spells into like their day you know their long

days they're they're like somebody that can that can roll with the punches and follow a note that person will get you home earlier. Yep. And here's another thing that I find to be something that's cool is, you know, once you nail down what it is that you do well, you just wait for the people who want you to do that call you yeah then and then now you're you're at the disposal of your path and what you have put out there and what people can see they know exactly what you're going to bring to the table you know exactly how you get your laughs and you just fucking take those opportunities if i feel like if i feel like i'm not right for some shit andy i will turn that motherfucker down so hard

because why should I stop someone else's blessing if I I'm not going to go in and give you 70% you know

I'm going to get I want to be able to come in that motherfucker and hit a home run so I can look good why am I going to fucking take some shit that I know I'm not going to

give you 200% on meanwhile someone else is willing to give you 200% and I'm fucking taking a job for someone else because that's just fucking me doing it. You know, I'd rather have somebody

else do it. I mean, especially if you know yourself. It's like I've done jobs. You know, I've hosted some game shows, some pilots. A couple went on, but this was a big game show i mean it was

like a big production they built this like giant pyramid out of plexiglass and you know and uh you know like people would you know step up the the pyramid to get to the top and win money and shit and and like i can't you know they hired me but then when it when i was doing the job i realized like they wanted me to like get sob stories out of the people you know how all these reality shows everybody's got to have a tragedy and everything and it's like i that's okay i'll do a little bit of that but like that's all they wanted every every time i was funny they kind of were like stick to the sentiment and i'm just like why did you hire me why you know like this isn't what i do this is not what i do man yeah oh and we want to be on at some point we want to be on autopilot where you can just fucking come in there

and you know what they know exactly what they're getting from you. I'm 30 years in. I don't know how many years you're in. Yeah, about that. I'm 31, maybe 31 years in. About the same, yeah. Because I quit my day job the day my daughter was born. Oh, so 27. Yeah, she's 27, yeah.

That's a fucking... That's something to think about. That's a heavy thing to do. Quit your day job when your baby just comes out. Your baby's still got the cord. I see. Here's the thing. For me, and I try to apply this to other people also, and even on my show, I try to, in some way, in a funny way, I try to say that, look, if you really want to do something,

something got to get the fuck out of the way for something else to come in. Yeah. And the only way I could wrap my head around that shit was, okay, this ain't the best job in the world. You know, these motherfuckers will fuck my check up a few times. You know, that's a given. That shit I got. But I want to do this. Regardless of the fuck is going on here, I want to do this.

And the only way I'm going to be able to do this is I got to get rid of this. So once I quit that shit, man, I knew that the only way I was going to be able to do it is I had to quit the fucking job. Yeah. Into the deck. And I needed more time to do it. But knock on wood, man, I have this unique timing thing. I don't know how it works. I don't know how the universe works.

I don't know what other people believe in. But every time, I don't give a fuck. If my rent was due in two days the fucking next day i'm telling you that fucking phone would ring and i never doubted it would ring i've never at some point i just never doubted i would get money to pay the rent yeah or to pay the bills because you know i knew that if i just had a phone call, I would figure this shit out. You know, I would go on that stage and I would give it my all. Here's another thing you got to realize.

You get a job from a job. Yeah. That's what the fuck it is. You find the best motherfucking jobs when you got a fucking job. Yeah. And same thing I tell you, what do they fucking tell you? You got to eat on Thanksgiving. You got to fucking eat, Andy, before you eat. Yeah. yeah you gotta prep your fucking stomach before you eat all that goddamn food you can't

just go on that motherfucking you can't starve yourself and go eat because your stomach has contracted right you ain't got no it hasn't stretched out you gotta eat something and then you go fucking eat yeah yeah you know what i know what I'm saying? Same thing with a lady. You got a fucking lady, that's what happens. When you got a lady, every lady wants your ass. Crazy shit in the world. Yeah. I don't know why that shit happens, but that's how you got to do it. I think, you know, especially, I mean, in all the situations,

whoever's thinking about you, they're thinking, well, if it's a woman, she thinks, like, well, she's obviously happy with him. Or if, you know, in work situations, it's like, well, somebody else paid him to do this shit. You know, if somebody else trusts him, then I feel a little bit better writing a check to him than I would to somebody that's not working. Because that person, that person's a real risk. Whereas this guy, I can say to the people I got to answer to, well, so-and-so paid him. So-and-so gave him a job. So-and-so put him on their show.

Yeah. Yep. And that's how it works, man. And that's the only way I knew. I said, and I just got to build it. You got to fucking build it. No matter how long it takes to build it, you got to fucking build it. And you got to continue to tweak it and fix shit all the time it's like a house your career is like a fucking house

you you can have a house that motherfucker always needs some shit man but your relationships are the same way it's all it's all upkeep it's all upkeep whether it's a love relationship or a fucking work relationship you gotta constantly fucking build that bitch, man, and adjust it and tweak it and make sure you're comfortable doing the shit. And that's how, to me, and I'm telling you, that's how shit works.

It is just, you know, and I, I think, I think you just go on a path and you just fucking, just fucking enjoy the nuances, enjoy the fun of the shit and don't even think about anything else

but doing it for the reason you started doing it for. Yeah. Shit, we make motherfuckers laugh. You know how many times you make people laugh for free? You don't charge motherfuckers. You know, one time I got on a plane,

Andy, let me tell you something. I was sitting in first class next to this dude. This motherfucker proceeded to talk to me the whole fucking trip to new york yeah whole fucking trip you know i'm telling andy the andy the whole before the shit took off the pre-cocktail shit you know how to get a little pre-cocktail yeah yeah yeah the pre-cocktail

all the way to fucking uh faster fucking seatts. We about to land, motherfucker. And I said to myself, I just gave this motherfucker a whole... I mean, I had this dude fucking crying. We was just talking about regular shit. And everything he had to say, everything he had to say

in his life that he did, I could fucking tell him a story based on some shit he told me that he did. And we laughed our ass off. Now, Andy, I'm going to tell you fucking right now, I could have easily said that'll be $3,000, motherfucker. You know what I mean?

Where can I send the invoice? I should have said, where do I send the invoice to you? god damn it man and i and i also feel as though i fixed a few things wrong with that motherfucker yeah you know what i'm saying so i gave this motherfucker a full laugh session therapy session you see feel me and you would do this shit for free yeah you do this shit for free every day at some point in your day you do this shit for free what day at some point in your day you do this shit for free

what the fuck you do what the fuck you pay for all the time oh shit now i'm waiting i'm waiting for the invoice you're gonna send me because jb our time is up man you have this has been a fucking delight we do this shit all day i know know. We can do this shit all fucking day, Andy. You know we can. Yeah. And we didn't even scratch the surface. I know. Well, let's do it again sometime. Andy, we'll do it again.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I love you, man. And we always have a good time. I love you, too. And we, hey, Andy, we dropped some fucking jewels today. We sure did. And my give a fuck thing is up to my nostrils, Andy. I'm telling you. Whoever's making those fall to day calendars, they probably are going to steal some shit from this podcast.

Andy, whoever develops these calendars, I'm telling you, they better tune in on the 20-fucking-6th for the launch of May I Elaborate. Andy, it's drools being dropped. Yeah. But it's still, you know what it is? dropped yeah but it's still know what it is it's that conversation andy between me and that fucking dude in first class and we're fucking talking all the way from fucking la to new york non-stop oh shit jb smooth thank you so much and i love you man i love you too and i love all of you out there for listening uh not as much as i love much as I love JB you know I mean come on you're just in your car at your office

avoiding work or whatever but we'll be back next week with more three questions bye bye I've got a big big love for you The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco and Yerol production it is produced by Lane Gerbig engineered by Marina Pice and talent produced by Galitza Hayek This has been a Team Coco production. Andy Richter on Apple Podcasts.