The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Jennifer Esposito

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

Actress and filmmaker Jennifer Esposito joins Andy Richter to discuss the "Late Night" bit she was obsessed with, how her upbringing on Staten Island inspired her directorial debut, betting on herself, identifying as a “strange bird,” her Celiac journey, and more on her new film “Fresh Kills." Hey there! Do you want to talk to Andy live on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio? Leave a voicemail at 855-266-2604 or fill out our Google Form.

Hey guys, it's Andy Richter. Welcome back to The Three Questions. I am your host. This week I am talking to actress and filmmaker Jennifer Esposito. You've seen her in TV shows like The Boys, NCIS, Blue Bloods, and films like Crash, Summer of Sam, and The Master of Disguise. Well now she is the director, writer, producer, and the star of the new film Fresh Kills which is out in select theaters June 14th. Before my chat with Jennifer I just want to mention that we'll be announcing my new radio show the Andy Richter call-in show very soon. I've been having such a great time talking to listeners and we're excited to do more of them. If you want to be a part of this new radio show, you can call 855-266-2604 or fill out

the Google form in the description for this podcast episode. Call the number, fill out the form, and we just might call you back and have you on the show. And now, enjoy my conversation with the great Jennifer Esposito. Because my home is noisy. Two barky dogs and I got a four year old now, so. Oh, nice. Yeah, I got remarried to somebody that had a little kid, so now I'm, I got 22, 18 and four. Oh wow.

23, 18 and four actually. Wow. Yeah, it's just Brad, but yeah, I love it. That's awesome. Yeah. That's awesome. I have two barky dogs too, but they'll be quiet. They're somewhere. All right, let's podcast. I have two barky dogs too, but they'll be quiet. They're somewhere. All right.

Let's podcast. Yes. Hello, Jennifer Esposito. How are you? Thank you so much for taking out the time. I'm so good. It's great to see you. It's great to see you too.

Yeah. It has been a while since. What were you on for? What were you promoting when you were on? Maybe Nora from Queens? No. It's been a long time. It's been a long time.

It's been a long time. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. What were you on for? What were you promoting when you were on? Maybe Nora from Queens? No, it's been a long time. It was back in the days when I was sitting on the couch. In NBC? You and Conan, yes. We're talking long, long.

Wow. I was, yeah, we're talking a long time ago. And I remember, I was literally, I was out to dinner with a friend of mine that I've known forever. And we used to literally go back and forth And I remember, I was literally, I was out to dinner with a friend of mine that I've known forever. And we used to literally go back and forth about, you did some skit with Barbara Walters,

the late Barbara Walters. Yes. Where her foot comes up in. Yes, yes. No, that was, they cut me. They cut you in. They cut me into Monica Lewinsky interview. That, that's how old, well, that's how long we're going back.

And I'm not joking. We laughed the other night about it because we used to laugh so much about it. And then when I came on, I was on the show with you and Conan a few times and I told you guys about that particular one and how I would cry. You guys sent it to me.

So I had it for a while. It was just so good. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I will always remember that one because it was a funny one. Oh, it's hilarious. But there was a point at which, you know, and it's like her saying like,

so you slept with the president and me going like, what can I say? I was horny or whatever. I don't know. And, and there's a point in which I start to give her a foot rub and then I like try and suck her toes. Yes. And it was the stand in was this elderly woman. And I mean, elderly.

And before we start, we said something. I don't think she was aware that I was going to be grabbing her foot. And so we said like, yeah, and it's gotta be your right foot or whatever. And she goes like, all right, but I should let you know, I have a wound on my foot that won't heal. So I was dealing with that.

I was like, oh God, I hope he stops me before I can get her foot to my mouth. But the brilliance was, it wasn't even like you were trying to do it inductively. It was like, okay, I guess I'll suck on your toes now. It was so ridiculous. Exactly. It made me laugh so hard. I loved it, this backstory. Yeah, yeah.

No, I always remember, those are the things I remember the most. I'll see video of myself in elaborate costume and not have any recollection of it, but I'll remember that lady's wound that won't heal. So, well, you're here today because you got a movie coming out that you wrote, directed, and starred in, which I just did a movie with Chelsea Peretti,

the stand-up, the excellent, hilarious, brilliant stand-up comedian, Chelsea Peretti. And she wrote, directed, and starred in. And when we starred in, I said, that's one too many. And she was kind of like, you're right. It is, it's one. She said, wait till I start having to like do the scene and you'll see how little of my lines that I know.

And that's what I want to know. Like, did you realize like this is too much or was it okay? No, I actually packed on more. I wrote, directed, acted in, produced, and wound up having to fund it. Oh, Jesus. You might as well just stick me in the grave. Like I'm definitely dying early

because of this experience 100%. No, it's, I actually met Chelsea because we were on the festival circuit together. So I know where I know. Oh, right. Yes, I know the movie. It is, it's I actually met Chelsea because we were on the festival circuit together. So I know right? No, yes I know the movie it is It's nuts. It's definitely nuts, but I have to say the more crazy part about it was you know all the the

business insanity the Hollywood of it all and like then trying to get it out and stuff, but the Hollywood of it all and like then trying to get it out and stuff but the writing, you know, is one form of torture because you're questioning yourself all the time. And then- Oh, it's the worst. It's like, you know, it's like, what am I doing here? And then the directing part-

Is this great or is this stupid? Like that's the thing that I can't believe when I do stuff. It's like, this could be really good or it could be garbage that I can't believe when I do stuff. It's like, this could be really good or it could be garbage, I can't tell. Exactly, and then you get to a point you're like, everything, like I'd be out to dinner with my husband and he'd say, oh, did you, you know, the weather's gonna be nice tomorrow.

I'm like, the weather, if I put the weather as a character in the, he's like, shut up. Like you get obsessed. So I became obsessed. If I put the weather as a character in the, he's like, shut up. Like you get obsessed. So I became obsessed and then the directing part of it actually felt very natural. Cause I, I actually wanted to be a filmmaker and didn't have the money to go to NYU. So that felt really natural. But to put myself in this thing

that I was looking at from an overview was strange. So to be in it, that was weird, and the producing part was nuts. It was nuts. It was nuts. And who do you lean on for acting notes? You know what I mean? Like, does the DP help you know about your,

because it's hard to know your own performance while you're doing it. Yeah, you know, know about your... Because I, you know, it's hard to know your own performance while you're doing it. Yeah. You know what it is? This character, I've been writing this for so long, that this was just something that I just knew so, so fully. It was based on someone I know. So I would always say it's like an exorcism. I need to get this person out of my body.

I knew this person a little bit too well, and it was like, not the best character, and I just needed it out. But, Angie, there was no time. There was no time. Like, hey, anybody got a note for me? It was like, we need to move or we're shutting us down. Like, you know, it was that kind of thing.

We shot it. 21 days, the four time periods, like 21 days. It was insane. You know, insane. That is, that's crazy. Cause for people that don't know it's usually shoot, I don't know, a couple of pages a day and that, so that means you're probably shooting 10 pages a day. Eight to 10 pages a day. Lightning that, so that means you're probably shooting 10 pages a day, eight to 10 pages a day.

Lightning. We were, we were like moving and you know, like I said, we had four different time periods and it was some intense stuff. So everybody just needed to be on their best game. But that's the beauty of independent films. It's like, you just gotta go. Yeah. The movie is called Fresh Kills.

Tell me about it a little bit because I love mafia stuff so I cannot wait for it. It's really a, it's a beautiful film. Okay, so it's the first time we're seeing the female point of view. And it's crazy when you think about it. We really have not seen that. Yeah. From the younger women. I mean, we've seen pieces of it with Edie Falco, of course, beautifully played on the Sopranos,

but we've never seen. Or Goodfellas, you sort of see into the women's world, but it's a very sort of ancillary thing. Exactly, and it's always from the male perspective of viewing that woman. It's never from the female's point of view. So this is taken from the young female, the daughter of a mafia boss, and the journey of her life.

And does she have choices like what she was born into? And it's about her and her sister's journey through this world and her mother, which I play the mother. And it's like I said, it's a story about these young women in this community that they really can't leave. So while it is mafia, it is more about finding a voice in a world that tells you not to have one. And it's, we've had a lot of praise and a lot of awards through the festival circuit. So it's been amazing, to be honest. That's great. Yeah.

Now, cause I imagine too, it's like, to be raised in that situation, the question of morality is a really like oily thing. Like, you know, what's good and what's bad and what's crime and what's not, you know, I mean, it's gotta be really confusing and, and to know that even if you have a happy home, you know, it's based, you know, the house was paid for by crime, by, you know, busting kneecaps. Yeah. Exactly, and that is growing up,

my family wasn't involved with the people around me and the friends that I saw, their families were involved. Yeah. And what I wanted to make sure about in this film was that no, we weren't coming at it that dad was bad and everyone else was good, like this morality that you're talking about, because that was dad to these girls.

So these girls that I grew up with, that's dad. And even my character in this movie, still when we still see things happen, she's still like, well, he doesn't always do things right, but he does them for the right reason. So there's a thing of like, I don't always do things right, but he does them for the right reason. So there's a thing of like, I don't really want to see this because this is my family. How do I approve of this? Because this is my family. And then it's also, but wait, don't speak about my family this way.

So it's a really fine line. So I wanted to be really clear not to make Joe, who's brilliantly played by Dominic Lambardosi, I didn't want to make him just this villain. He's dad. He's dad to these girls. And what he does for a living is a different thing. You mentioned that this is based on somebody you know. Was that a ticklish, tricky thing to be making a, you know, a movie that's fictional, but that's based on, you know, like you said, a lot of people that are in your sphere. The core, those core characters,

the one that I played was based, that character was based on someone I know. And is that person okay with all of this? She thinks it's hilarious. Well, that's the best reaction. Which is like, and not hilarious like it's a funny movie, she thinks it's like, oh, it's like almost a compliment, which totally plays into my character when you see it. It's like, wow, it's like almost a compliment, which totally plays into my character when you see it.

It's like, wow, the delusion. Any attention is good attention. Exactly, the delusion is deep. Like you didn't see it and go, oh, maybe I should adjust some things. Like, no, you thought this was a compliment. Okay, but hey, go with God, great. But the other thing, what I say is like, it wasn't

based on, the story wasn't based on anyone in particular, but it was based on things that I felt that I needed to say. Because like I said, it's about finding a voice in a world tells you not to have one. I felt very pushed into a box in my career. I felt very pushed into a box as a female for a lot of different reasons. And what I'm trying to say, I'm able to say through this world of where rules were very clear. I saw these rules were very clear for young women where I was growing up. So it's things that I wanted to say through situations that I've seen in the neighborhood. There was only one character, like I said, that was based on someone and she's great with it.

Yeah, that's fantastic. Do you think that like you have to be Italian to be able to handle this topic in the way that it needs to be handled? Like, is there a certain Italian-ness that you all understand each other and there's the complexities involved? You know, there's definitely, there's definitely when you, you know, there's an authenticity that I think that I can bring to it

where maybe someone else couldn't because there are just things in community and Christmas and the way hierarchy and your family and how you should speak to your dad and how women are supposed to be. There's a lot of that, especially in that Italian community. Like my dad literally said to me, you know, for a woman, when I said I wanted to be an actress,

like he said, for a woman, I think it's really important you get used to stenography and typing skills, you know, if you're not gonna get married and taken care of. And he didn't even think that what he was saying was incorrect. You know, it's like there's a different sense of gender roles, of what your place is and what my place is in the Italian community, but I do think it's other communities as

well. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Do you think it's particularly Italian? Like when you say that you felt like you were put in boxes, were they particularly Italian boxes or were like Jewish kids that you grew up around, were they under the same sort of expectations? No, for me, the box situation was really as I started to get older and understand

that just being female, just being born female, there was a ceiling. Period, end of story. Just female, just talking gender. There was a ceiling. The way I spoke was going to be an issue. How I said it is scrutinized. How I show up in the morning, my age, I can go on. That's a box that I did not choose. So every single meeting, every show, every interaction as a female, I have to judge how I'm saying it, what I'm saying, my tone, did I say saying, my tone. Yeah.

Did I, did I say it in the right way? Did I speak over someone? It's constant. Right. Love men, my husband's a man. However, it's constant. I also think that that kind of situation too, happened. Like you have to be so reactive that like you might be entering in there and you're not entering in there as a female.

You're entering in there as somebody that's got a movie to make and a story to tell. And yeah, it's about women, but then it's like, when they, when you get the fucking pat on the head, then you have now all of a sudden you're a female. You know what I mean? Like you're not just somebody at, you're not a business person or a filmmaker or a producer. You're now, you know, you're getting patted on the head.

Yeah. That's right. Oh, makes me want to murder Exactly and figure now you've come with the goods. Yeah, you've come with the goods I have said it so many times Andy and I really do mean this I Wanted to put my husband's name on this movie I really did yeah Because I was like I think this would have had a different road because even for us to get, even we won best

film just recently at my award sitting right here in Annapolis Film Festival. We've won in San Diego, won audience choice in Hamptons up against every big movie that went to the Oscars. We won. Still, we had so much trouble getting it distributed because what I was told, there's no stars, where's the male lead? I was offered $5 million to get a big, big name male lead. And if I couldn't get that, no money. And I was like, wait, so 5 million if I get a big name dude, but it's not the lead, it's a smaller role. But for my women, I get nothing. Yep.

It's like, wow. Wow. Wow. We're there? Yeah. We're still there? So, yes, pat it on the head is definitely not fun. Definitely not fun. And the thing that kills me too about that kind of thing, cause I mean, I get it.

I've had it more in television stuff, but it's like, they're just so sure that they're right. Like, you know, we just, you know, they might even say it like, look, I'm sorry. I know what it sounds when I say, get a big male lead for 5 million. I understand like how fucked up that is, but it's just the way it is.

And I just always want to scream, yeah, until it's just the way it is. And it's, and I just always want to scream. Yeah. Until it isn't until somebody, you know, before, before, before mad men, there was period won't work on TV. We can't have period shows on TV. Nobody wants to see anything that took place in the past. Mad men happens. Then the next year it's six

groovy cocktail TWA stewardesses, you know, thin ties. And you just think that at some point they would get embarrassed. They would get embarrassed for being proven wrong repeatedly. So many times. I mean look at Stranger Things as well. I mean, Stranger Things was,

no one wants, oh, it's a show about kids, no one's gonna want. It's nostalgia, yeah. Exactly, it's like an end, end. You know, it was as, you know, the other box was I was an actress, and here I am, and I was an actress who was like, you know, long forgotten,

like push her over there, give her a cop roll, tell her to shut up. It was like that kind of thing. And honestly, and I'm serious. It's a great book title. Give her a cop roll, tell her to shut up. Tell her to shut up and that's it, send her away. But I would send my script out

and it was like when they actually read it, if they read it, I would get back all the time, oh, Jennifer Esposito wrote this. It was like, I know, I know, I know what you're thinking. So I had to get over that as well of like, oh, she's making films now, like it was another hurdle. And I happened to pick also the first female going into the mafia genre. And it was like, how many crosses did I have on my back? Really, Jennifer? You couldn't pick like something simple? Right, right.

A nice rom-com. Exactly, like really, what is wrong with you? And the drama, like, oh my God, Jennifer, what the hell's wrong with you? But you know what? Seeing the film and seeing the audience's reaction, like I said, we've been, this whole year has been film festivals

and it has been so deeply rewarding. Could you know as well as I do, you go into a project with the best intention and hope and you do your best, you don't have any control over what happens afterwards. Sometimes it comes out and you're like, what the hell is, that wasn't what I shot. Exactly, who shot this?

And you're confused. So this was like so nice to be able to really walk away, really super proud of something that I've been able to accomplish. So yeah, it's been, it's been nice. Well, that's great too, because it does take, like, I've never attempted to like self produce something just because I don't think I could handle it. I don't, it's, it, it, like you said, it's so, it consumes your life.

And if you're going to have your life consumed, it better be something that you like. You love. Exactly. You have to love it. Otherwise, forget it. You, you were raised in a very, on Staten Island, very Italian kind of upbringing. Where did you think like, like is this kind of ambition? Was it encouraged like either by your family or or by your surroundings?

The twofold. Yes and no. The community that I'm from and actually I'm writing a TV series based on the same subject with actually a woman from the community. And we have an understanding, which is why we decided to team up. Getting out of that kind of community is seriously was one of the hardest things because they, yeah, Yeah, I can't explain it. It's in my film as well. It's not something that they look upon as good. You wanna leave here and better yourself? It's like, who do you think you are?

You think you're better than us? It's that kind of crabs in a bucket type of thing. And it's really, really, really prevalent. And it's, it's almost suffocating. But also, I'll say also, so that was one thing, but I also had a desire from a young age to tell stories, but I also did not want to wind up like what I was seeing. So that propelled me. That really propelled me because it was like, I remember I said I wanted to be an actress in like my eighth grade yearbook and I was ridiculed, like, wow, ridiculed, like, oh, you think you're better than all of us because you think you're

some big shot. Like because I have a dream, it's a very strange community. Really, really, really strange in that, in that, in that manner. So it was twofold. I, I, I wanted to do it because I didn't want to be the other, but it was also, yeah, it was not looked upon as something great. That's too bad. I mean, well, it's also too, it's, I think that's a common sort of thing

that that sort of, oh, Mr. Big Shot or oh, Miss Fancy Pants. Yes. And I, there's a down, I don't know if it's Australia or New Zealand or both, they call it tall poppy syndrome because I worked in New Zealand and people there said that they love it when a New Zealander gets famous, but then they start to tear them down immediately. And they call it tall poppy syndrome because if there's, you know, they're in a flower

bed, if one flower gets too high, you cut its head off because you want everything to be uniform. it's head off because you want everything to be uniform. There you go. Yeah, but it just sounds like, and I mean, and I had a little bit of it, you know, just getting on television and had friends like, Oh, Mr. Big Shot, you know, and, and they mean it as kind of a air quotes joke, but it's like, no, it's not a joke. It's like, what do you want from me? I'm, I'm, you know. Exactly. Yeah, I got a like, what do you want from me? I'm, you know. Exactly.

Yeah, I got a job. What do you want? And, but it just sounds like this is a particularly aggressive, like group sport version of it. No, it is. It really is. We were writing like this treatment for this show that we're trying to put together.

And literally, I think the sentence I came up with was like where tradition is encouraged and growth is looked at as disrespect. Like it's literally looked at, like, oh, you're gonna go and do more than me? Because somehow then that looks at you as like, what are you doing? Like don't screw up the order here. And it's deep. It's really deep.

Like what did that entail? Well, first of all, was there any sort of safe harbors growing up? Any sort of like, you know, areas of somebody that gave you encouragement? You know, how did, how did you, aside from just the reaction against, how did you feel like, yes, I can do this? Because there also has to be positive kind of reinforcement. Yeah, no, I, I, from one person that it was very tricky, because the actions of the person were don't leave, and some of the sentences were don't leave and some of the sentences were don't leave but on the other hand was this delusion almost of like you can do anything you want you can do anything you could be anything you want and that's not really true either right it was like it was I was told from

a very young age like you could do whatever you want, whatever it is, you could do it, you go. But then it was also, but don't leave me behind. You know, that kind of thing, which was crazy. But I did hear that. But I also believe I was like dropped off from like a pack of wolves. I think I don't have, I'm so serious.

I'm such a strange bird when it comes to like- From the rest of your family. Seriously, because from a young age, Andy, I remember being like in, sitting in the car, waiting for my mother in a store. And I was really, really young and thinking to myself, like what child is thinking this? Thinking to myself, I've got to get out of here.

I'm going to get out of here and I have to leave soon. And I'm going to go here and I'm going to do this. And I have to do this. But I remember, and I also remembering like, yeah, I've been here before, but not in this body. And like, I would think so deeply. And it was a matter of fact that I had a mission and I had to do it. So everything in my life was pointing forward. There was no like, oh, you're going to go and do this? Nope, I got to go do that thing.

like, oh, you're going to go and do this? Nope, I got to go do that thing. Like that, it was like, I don't know what that was, but as a kid, I felt that way. Yeah, yeah. Not a good thing. No, it's not. No, I mean, because I relate to a lot of what you're saying. And you know, because like, you know, also too, there was just like a lot of depression and sadness around me. And then the reaction to that. And then, and was just like a lot of depression and sadness around me and then the reaction to that. And then just like things like my stepfather was a plumber and a lot of my friends, and just like I'd go work, because I had a paper route when I was 12. I've been working since I was a little kid. And I would go work with my stepfather in the summers,

crawling under houses as a plumber and working in his store, selling faucet parts and just always feeling like, ah! Just existential howl going on the entire time. Like, oh my God, I cannot do this. I cannot do this. I cannot do this. I cannot do this. I cannot do this.

And you don't even- Not passionate. Yeah, and you can't even, because it's life. You know, it's just like, well, this is what people do. And you don't know, like, you know, it wasn't until like I went and moved into the city and went to film school that I was like, oh, that's what was happening.

I was just not, I was somewhere where I shouldn't be. And that's what I felt. That's exactly it. You look around and you go, you don't know enough to know exactly, but you know where you are, isn't it? Yeah. It just, this isn't it.

Yeah. And then you this isn't it. Yeah. And then you, you know, try and figure it out. What steps did you take to kind of, like when you were young and when you were plotting your escape, like what kind of stuff did you do? I literally would sneak out of my house all the time

because my parents were very strict and I would sneak out of my house and like wind up in parents were very strict. And I would sneak out of my house and like wind up in the city. And I'd be like, you sleep on the ferry and like be dancing at some club. And like, God knows I was probably like 16, 17. And I remember someone coming over to me and be like, hey, you're a great dancer.

Do you wanna be on Club MTV? And I was like, what? I was like, that's you're a great dancer. Do you wanna be on Club MTV? And I was like, what? I was like, that's it, I made it. I've made it, I've been seen, I've been found. And I was like, absolutely. And that, you know, little by little, it helped me to move into the city. I've waited tables, like, you know, the city here.

Were you on Club MTV? I sure was. Wow. Sure. What are you 1617? How do you explain that to your folks? Or do you just not? No, I was, I was like 17 at the time and it was a job. My mother dropped me off at a movie theater at 13. It was like go to work. So I, this was a job I was getting paid. I think I made, I think I made a hundred dollars, but we would do like 10 shows in one day. It was a hundred dollars to dance. I was like, this is the best thing ever. Be on TV. Yeah. Exactly. I was like, I'll do this for free. You kidding me? It was, it was awesome. So it was a job. So I was allowed to do it. And it was

usually we'd film like all day, like on a Saturday all day. Um, so I was allowed to do it. And it was usually, we'd film like all day, like on a Saturday, all day. So I loved it, but then eventually around 18, I said, okay, I'm leaving. They were like, what? And I said, well, from the MTV, I wound up becoming friendly with the host, which was downtown Julie Brown.

And she was dating someone who ran, do you remember the coffee shop? It was like very hip, it was called the coffee shop, but it was in Union Square. And it was downtown, right? Yes, yes. Okay, yeah, yeah. I waited tables there at like 18 years old, waited tables,

and put myself through acting school across the park at Lee Strasburg and that was it, that was it. Yeah, but I always had that like, go, go. The city to me was the thing. It was like, and especially from Staten Island and I talk about that a lot in the movie, the city is only 18 miles away from Staten Island, but yet it's like a completely different world. And the fact that, you know, I could see the like the tall buildings

from Staten Island. It was like this, like the Oz. I was like, I have to go there. I just knew it was, I knew it was there. So whatever I could to get into the city was my thing. Yeah. That's when I tell people, like I grew up, you know, like 45 minutes out of Chicago and, and they think like, Oh, well then you had, you took advantage. Like, no, we were terrified of that place. Yeah. No, we wouldn't go. I wasn't until I was probably 17, 18 and started going to see concerts that, you know, it wasn't either a Bears game or a Cubs game

to go into the city for, so. Same, same thing here. Yeah, yeah. Same thing here. We wouldn't go in at all. We'd go in at Christmas and literally my dad would lock all the doors in the car. We'd go into Christmas to see the Christmas tree and he'd lock all the doors in the car,

like where we were going. It'd be like, okay, we're not going to get out. We're just going to drive past the Christmas tree. It's like, can we get out? Why can't we get out? Well, there were all those stories about Italian families being pulled from their cars. Exactly. And beaten. Yeah. No. It was so ridiculous when they think about it. My God. Because early on, there's always the struggle early on. Did you ever have doubts? Did you think like, oh shit, I got to figure out, I got to become a physical therapist

or have something to fall back on? Or did you work enough that you felt like, no, I'm okay. I'm going to be all right on this path. I was thinking yesterday. I was like, you know what? I like dogs. What if I am a dog breeder? Like literally, literally.

I'm so not joking. I was like, because this all seems, you know what I'm saying? This all seems, this seems mad. Even after I've done the thing, I've done the thing. I've made the movie, wrote it, directed, produced it, but it's getting awards, but, and still it's not even kind of easier.

And I just looked at my two happy dogs and I was like, like, what am I doing? Dogs are nice. Dogs are sweet. They are kind. They are fluffy. I like them. They're just nice people.

I was like, what can I do? I don't have to put on makeup for them. Exactly. I don't have to do shit. They're happy to see me. I was like, what can I do with them. I don't have to do shit, they'll have me to see me. I was like, what can I do with dogs? I literally said to my husband, he was like, you know, dog walkers get a lot of money.

I was like, okay, okay. And I really was not joking. I'm so seriously not joking because, and also, I also, I literally, I mortgaged my house to make this film. So yeah, and it's everything everybody says not to do, I also, I literally, I mortgaged my house to make this film. So yeah, and it's everything everybody says not to do, but it's also all those people are not doing what I'm doing.

They didn't do, they didn't bet on themselves. And I know that this business, if I don't bet on myself, no one's betting on me. And that I knew that, but you know, so I don't think there's ever a time in this business, to be honest, unless you're the elite top that you ever feel, Oh, I'm good now. Like, it doesn't exist. We chose this.

That's why we're all insane. And you're right too. It's everybody thinks, cause they know you and they've seen you and stuff for an extended period of time. Oh, you're sad. It's like, oh, I wish. I've had people tell me all the time, if I ever sort of like say like, oh, well, you know, I have anxiety about the future.

They're like, you'll always work. And I think I'm the only person in the world. I understand why you say that, but I cannot say that. I cannot go like, ah, you know, cause the mortgage is due next month too. You know, it's like, I can't think like, oh, I'll always work. Like I gotta think like, no, Jesus Christ, I need a job.

I need, you know. 100%, 100%. And I mean, and I'm not, I mean, I know I'm complaining, but I'm not complaining complaining because holy shit, this is a fun thing to do for a living. You know, I mean, there's a lot of- 100%. A lot, you can make your money.

Or worse. Yeah, you can have a real bummer of a job and, you know, and still struggle, you know. 100% and God knows so many people are struggling, but like you said, people think like, oh, you're set. It's like, no, man, no, that's not how it works. It's just not. And again, for women, you got to a certain point

and it's like, did anybody tell me that I was done? Like they don't even call you to let you know, like, hey, you've passed 30, we've retired you. Like it's just, it's brutal. It's brutal. It just kind of stops, yeah. Yep, yep, 100%. I wanna talk about, because it's become such a,

it was, you've talked about it a lot and it's such a big part of your life, but the, the celiac disease that you have and, and that, and that like getting in the way of working. And I, and just, if you could tell us a little bit about that path, I mean, unless, you know, I can also understand if you're like, eh, I'd wrap, you know, enough with the celiac disease.

No, you listen, I, it was a long time ago, but it's an autoimmune thing. And, you know, I was very vocal about it and it helped a ton of people. And that, again, I'm proud of coming out and talking about it because nobody was understanding what was going on with them and no one was talking about it because nobody was understanding what was going on with them and no one was talking about it. So bringing it to the forefront, I have to say I'm very proud to

have helped tons of people. I don't deal with it now because I have it under control thankfully, but I think everything that pushes you to the mat, it kind of teaches you another thing about yourself. So it was another experience that I was, because I on a lot of my, I mean, I was diagnosed maybe 15 years ago now. But the first half of my career, thinking that being exhausted all the time was normal and having panic attacks all the time was normal and sleeping during lunch was normal, like none of it was normal, none of it. And losing my hair and it was, yeah, I was really ill though. When I got diagnosed, like I said 15 years ago now, I had lost a tooth. A

tooth came out on set. I was on Samantha Who and a tooth literally came out of my mouth because I was so depleted with nutrients because that's what Celiac does. Yeah, it affects your mind, your thinking, everything, everything, but thankfully, you know, it took a while, but getting it under control, my God. What does getting it under control entail? It's healing your gut, because basically what celiac disease is, is the, what do they call, the villi that's around the small intestine

is what is in charge of taking nutrients from the food and giving it to the body. When you have celiac, those villi die. So for me, I was like operating on like nothing. So I wasn't getting nutrients to my brain, to my bones, to nothing. And that's why you start to just everything goes. So I had to really counteract all of that. And that's a lot of

feeding your body what it needs. And I was depleted in everything. But to do that, you need to heal the gut. And to this day, I tell anybody, because they had me on so much medication at one point, and I don't take anything now, and I don't have panic disorder anymore, I don't get the deep depression, I don't get any of it, and it's because I healed my gut. And I tell anybody who tells me they have depression or they're on, you know, such and such or they're, I tell them, I'm not telling you to get off anything, but I'm telling you also have to look at your gut because the gut is seriously, it is one of the most important things. And if that's off, everything's off. That just means regulating your diet, right? Regulating your diet, but really seeing

like what you are allergic to. It's not the skin test. It's an inward test of like, what are you allergic to in your gut? What is happening? So, you know, really staying away from things that, I hate to say it, but like gluten and dairy and processed stuff and high sugars and, you know,

all the stuff that we're given here in America, all the wonderful food, you know, a lot of it is just not great for you. So it's healing the gut so that you're able to absorb nutrients, it's that kind of thing. And it took years, but I wouldn't trade it now for the world because for instance, I would have never been able to do the movie and do what I did for this film because it's been a four-year process now.

I would never have been able to do what I just did if I wasn't healthy. Never, never. So it had to happen, yeah. Wow, is it hard to go out to restaurants and stuff then? Or do you just kind of- It is. Yeah, yeah. It is, I mean, listen, I'm a pro now. Like I'm the girl that like has homemade bread in her bag

and I don't care. I take it out in a restaurant. My first date with my husband, literally, no joke, he picks a wine bar and I don't care, I take it out of the restaurant. My first date with my husband, literally, no joke, he picks a wine bar and I'm like, I know they're gonna have like snacks and stuff, I'm not gonna be able to eat anything. Maybe they'll have some olives, some olive oil. I popped some bread that I just made in my bag

and he was like, are you seriously taking out your bread? I said, yes, I am. Yes, I am. You might as well know what you're getting right now. Because, and honestly, it's okay. It's okay for me now. Back then, it was tricky, but it's not the easiest thing. You know, it was definitely different than it is now. At least people know what it is.

So I don't have to go into too much of an explanation, but it isn't like, hey, let's go pop over there and just pick up something to eat. It doesn't work that way. So, yeah. Now, was directing something that you'd always kind of, you know, had always been, you know, an unfulfilled kind of urge or drive or dream.

Yeah. I wanted to be a filmmaker. I wanted to be a filmmaker. I knew when I was a kid that I wanted to tell stories, but I didn't know what that meant. And I knew I wanted to go to NYU film school, but you know, my family didn't have the money. So I figured, okay, I'll be an actress. That'll do it. And- Get me on set, yeah. Yeah, and you realize really quickly like, oh, I'm really not telling a story.

I'm saying lines from someone's story. I'm hired to speak. And that's fine. It's a beautiful art form when you can get to that kind of material. But you get to a certain point in your career and you're just not getting that kind of material. And I was so tired of hearing my own voice complain

or say, where's the good roles? Or it was like, why don't you do what you said you've always wanted to do which was tell stories, so I don't think it was necessarily about just directing it was creating the entire world like even now knowing how much work I have to say I love it like I I have to say, I love it. Like I love it. Being able to tell the whole story and the why,

and when you do see my film, like the production design is amazing. And like being able to talk to this woman and saying, I want to have pink carpet. And when she says why, and I could say, because the home for my character is the only place that she can control. So the more feminine we make it is the more pissed off Joe's going to be because it's the only place she can control and coming from character with every single position

of a story is so, is so rewarding for me. Yeah, it's fun. I absolutely love it. I have to say I love it. It's, so yeah, this has been a dream of mine to fulfill for sure. Was there one turning point or was it just kind of a breakdown of compromises that sort of slowly happened?

I remember the exact, I remember two specific things. I was doing something again that was for money because we have to make money. And I was once again, just like my soul was sucked out because I didn't get into this business to be rich and famous. I really did get in because I love the art. I love to express and I didn't get into this business to be rich and famous. I really did get in because I love the art. I love to express and getting to people through expression and I love all of that stuff. And I was doing something again that was just, I was just soulless. I felt so, just so sad and just, I remember coming home from work and just

lying on the floor. My husband's like, what is happening? I was like, I just can't do this anymore. I just don't, I can't do this anymore. And then you try and be grateful. Oh, I'm so grateful to have a job. And then it's like, yes, two can be at the same time. You can have both feelings. I am grateful to have a job, but I also would love to do something that I love. They can both exist. And I fought myself a while from that.

And then it got to, I remember it was around New Year's Eve, and I was so, so sad, like so sad. And I thought, you have to quit. You have to quit. You can't do this anymore. Or, or you're gonna do what you've been talking about. Cause I've been talking about Fresh Kills for probably 20 years. 20 years.

And I've been pitching it to people and talking and people go, uh-huh, great, great. Good for you. Oh, wow. 20 years. And I've been pitching it to people and talking and people go, uh-huh, great, great, good for you. Go write it. You know, every actor has a script in air quotes. So it was like pat on the head again. And it was like, I had to look at myself and say, you say you could do it, do it, do it, do it. You think you can do it.

You think you can handle better than do it for yourself. What are you you can do it. You think you can handle better, then do it for yourself. What are you waiting for? No one's calling you. I had to really say, no one is calling you. I didn't even have an agent or manager at the time when I was ready to go out with this. No one is coming. No one. And why should they? No one owes you anything. And if you're sitting there saying that you can do it, you know you can do it, then do it. So it was a real push. And I remember sitting down actually at this very table and saying, okay, I'm not getting up until I finish this script. I am not getting up until I finish. And it took probably two and a half years, just going, going, going, and then another two and a half years to get it made. So it was a good four years

in total, but years prior to writing and stopping and writing and stopping and putting it away for 10 years. But I do remember that point and it was a turning point. I was doing a podcast with a friend and I was just like, what am I doing? I keep avoiding what I actually want to do. And I just said, I can't do this anymore. I need to focus on something that scares the shit out of me, but I'm gonna do it. Yeah, yeah, well of me, but I'm going to do it.

Yeah, yeah, that's, well, yeah, that's, I mean, I relate totally. And it is like, yeah, well, it's like, why don't, why don't I pursue this thing? You know, I've had this thing cooking in my head forever. And I, you know, and then, and I mean, cause I have similar sort of things and then I beat the shit out of myself for not doing it. But then it does come down to, well, yeah, but if I don't do it, I'm not gonna fall on my face.

I'm not gonna flame out and be a miserable failure in front of people if I don't do it. But if I do do it, then that becomes a possibility. So it is, that becomes a possibility. You know, so it's, it is, there's a risk, you know. But you know what the risk to me, Andy, was take all that out. Cause I don't care about making a fool of myself. What I cared about is I kept saying to myself at the end of your life, are you going to be okay with not doing this? And the answer was always no. are you gonna be okay with not doing this? And the answer was always no.

Wow. It's always no, like I'm gonna be pissed. I'm gonna be pissed. Yeah, yeah, sometimes you gotta think that way. Like when I'm on my deathbed, am I gonna still be saying like, way to go, asshole? Yep. You know, you fucked it up.

And I would. Yeah, exactly. And I know, I know me, I know me, cause like I said, Andy, I was thinking about this when I was watching the mafia young girls, run, me run from them and them wanting to kill me and like watching, watching going, why are they so angry? Like I was thinking back then of like,

this is a great story. Like why are they? What an interesting, yeah. Exactly. When I was a kid, when I was 16, and then I'd go through my career and I'd be sitting with someone, a director, or I'd be sitting with a new agent.

I'd say, you know, I have this idea, blah, blah, blah. And they'd go, oh, great. Pat me on the head and I'd go away. And then a little bit I'd sit down, I'd write a little, and I'd give it to a friend who's a writer, and they'd go, this is really great. Pat me on the head and I go away. And then a little bit, I'd sit down, I'd ride a little and I'd give it to a friend who's a rider and they'd go, this is really great. And then I put it down again. So it was gnawing. It was like this thing gnawing on my brain for so long

that I knew I am definitely gonna not let this die. Yeah, and you gotta do it yourself. Cause even if, you know, I mean, I find myself, I have like, like you said, you give to another writer and then you're kind of, you know, and then I think I'm just going like, please, please just get it started. Like, please force me into doing this now, please.

And it just, that's not gonna happen. You know, you gotta do it yourself. You do, and I have to say, I'm working on, like I said, this TV thing. I'm writing something myself. And I have working with another writer to push me to finish this other thing. But it's still a struggle. And I so enjoy this thing I'm writing by myself. I so enjoy it. But still, every day, every day is like,

well, are you gonna sit down? Are you gonna sit down and do it? Yeah. Every day, every day. And that's when I go, dog breeding, dog breeding, maybe dog breeding is a nice life. Well, that's what I was, you know, that's, you know, one of these three questions is

what's in the future? And I was gonna say, you know, that's, that's, you know, one of these three questions is what's, what's in the future. And I was going to say, you know, beside dog breeding, is it, you're just going to keep, you think that you'll just keep, you know, cracking away at, at, at, right. You know, at authorship, you know, of some kind. I did sign on to direct someone else's film, but it was very something that I could really get my my arms around. Of course, we have to get the money and all that fun stuff, but I have to say, as much pain and struggle as this has been, I do feel like I want to continue to make films, make and say, and, and exactly what I am

feeling to put it into a script and this thing I'm working on. Like I said, that I absolutely love and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it for me because if you think about all of the stuff to make a movie, it really is a miracle that anything gets made independently, especially these days. But I will say I have found such, I actually teach now because of it, like writing and directing because I have found such relief in writing, just as an artist who's not fulfilled,

such relief in the writing, I will always continue to do that. Whether or not they can get made, that's another journey. But I have to remind myself that, otherwise it's too hard to keep going. So you know what I mean? As an artist, you have to figure out what it is that you need to do for you. Yeah. Is that, you think, the most valuable lesson that you've learned? You got to figure it out and push towards it, or is there something else? That 100%, but also the other most important thing is,

I can do anything I want. My mother was right. She was right. And I do think there is a bit of delusion, but I also believe that you really can. How hard are you willing to work? How hard you're willing to work. How hard are you willing to go to the mat work? How dark are you willing to get?

I mean, there were times in this journey, because like I said, I'm giving cliff notes. This was really difficult. We had a producer that was awful at one point, money was gone and I had to pay. It was a hell of a deal. And there were dark, dark days that I was like, I'm just, what does any of this mean? I'm checking out.

Like I'm, I'm out. Dark days. You got to be willing to say how far am I willing to go? And the fact that I was able to do it, I really feel like I can handle whatever. I can handle whatever. And that's nice. That's, that's a nice feeling because I haven't always felt that way. Fresh Kills is going to be released on June 14th. Is it in theaters or is it in theaters? Nice.

New York and LA and then hopefully wider and then you will be able to find it probably on Amazon or something. But yeah, come to the theaters, people. Seriously, we need the theaters. But it's also so important to support independent films. You know it, I know it. It's like, that's when you will see a different voice and a different story.

And we really need the support. So I hope everybody comes to see the film. Well, I'll go see it. Cause I love the sound of it. I can't wait to see it. And thank you so much, Jennifer, Jennifer Esposito. Thank you. For taking the time and yeah.

And it's great to see you again. Absolutely. My God is awesome. And I'll never forget you gave me laughter like I could not even tell you. So thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you. And thank all of you out there for listening. I'll be back next week with more of The Three Questions. The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco production. It is produced by Sean Doherty and engineered by Rich Garcia. Additional engineering support by Eduardo Perez and Joanna Samuel. Executive produced by Sean Doherty and engineered by Rich Garcia. Additional engineering support by Eduardo Perez and Joanna Samuel.

Executive produced by Nick Leow, Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista with assistance from Maddy Ogden. Research by Alyssa Grahl. Don't forget to rate and review and subscribe to The Three Questions with Andy Richter wherever you get your podcasts. And do you have a favorite question you always like to ask people? Let us know in the review section. Can't you tell my love's a-growing?

Can't you feel it ain't a-showing? Oh, you must be a-knowing. I've got a big, big love. This has been a Team Coco production.