The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Julie Bowen

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Actress Julie Bowen joins Andy Richter to discuss her path to “Modern Family,” the upcoming “Happy Gilmore” sequel, working with the great Bruce Campbell, raising three boys, improvising in iambic pentameter, and her new horror show on Peacock, “Hysteria.”Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Hey everybody, welcome back to The Three Questions. I'm your host Andy Richter. This week I am talking to Julie Bowen. I love Julie. You know her from her roles in Modern Family, Happy Gilmore, Ed, and much much more. She's a great actress, a wonderful person. I really like her so much. Her new show Hysteria is out October 18th on Peacock and now here's my conversation with Julie Bowen. I still have a very old person's view of just media and show business. And people will be like, that guy has a show on YouTube. And I'm like, no, poor guy, YouTube. And they're like, no, he's a gazillionaire.

Right, it's Mr. Beast. Yeah, and more people have seen him than have ever seen you. Right, and will ever see you, yeah. Oh, really? Oh, okay. Yeah, no, YouTube is the whole thing. I don't understand it either, but...

Yeah. And no one has any shame. No shame. No shame. No, they don't. Where's your shame? I'm spreading shame. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm hoping, you know, with this sort of tide shift in the election, that shame is making a comeback. You mean people being responsible for their behavior? Yes, exactly.

Yeah, I mean that's really what we're saying. Yeah, and not like, and just not like absolute complete hypocrites, unblinking hypocrites. Who get to deny, you can watch them do something and they say they didn't do it. Yes. That's what it, yeah. We're just talking about moral responsibility.

We're talking about grownups. Exactly, exactly. And you're a grownup. Thank you. You're welcome. I saw the first episode of your new show. I haven't. Let's get that right out of the way.

I have not. Really? I have a link for you. They know I can't watch myself because A, I can't watch scary things. Really? Yeah, it really freaks me out. I've seen big chunks of it,

but I can't sit down and like, A, I can't watch myself because it gets all cringy. Yeah. And I alternate between, oh my god, I'm so awful and why didn't they use the other tape? Yeah. You know, which is not helpful for anyone. I'm the same way. I can't stand it. And B, yeah, scary things. Really? Yes. Even when I know I would be sauce. Have you always been like that? I've seen one scary movie in my life. Wow. And it was, it was Nightmare on Elm Street.

It was Ghostbusters. It was terrifying. I was so scared. No, it was Nightmare on Elm Street. It was playing on the wall at a dance club at some, at Vassar, actually. My sister was going to Vassar. Oh, wow. And I visited her at no, no volume, nothing. And I stayed awake for threeassar, and I visited her at no volume, nothing.

And I stayed awake for three weeks. Wow. Just from the visuals. The visuals alone. With all that stuff to distract you from it, too. I have a very vivid imagination. I get scared super easily. Yeah, yeah. There used to be a thing that Ellen used to like to scare people

on her show, and like have people pop out of a box and scare her. She loved doing it to me because I would practically crap my pants if I was so scared. And that's, to me being scared doesn't feel good. Lots of people love it. I don't understand they kind of metabolize their own fear in a way that's fun.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I will, you know, like with a little kid, hide around the corner and go boo, or with my wife. Oh, I would kick you in the teeth if you did that. But I mean, but that's like, but it's a fairly benign everyday thing. You're weird. Yes.

You're weird. No, I'm next level on it. You are over sensitive. I'm over sensitive. But being Ellen and scaring people, that's just seems, you know. It was, she got, you know, she got a kick out of it and I was such an easy target. Yeah it, and I was such an easy target.

I was such an easy target. And, you know, my kids come home, if I'm in the shower, they know, they have to start going like... Like making loud noises, like, it is me! And I'm like, ah! I scare very easily. And I wouldn't even say that hysteria is necessary.

It's not really horror. It's more like poppy horror. Yeah. Jump scares. Yeah. Has it always been there? Like since you were a little kid? I never thought, I never had a time when I thought being scared was fun.

Never. Yeah. To me it was okay. But to be so scared from a little age, did it come from somewhere? Or do you think it just, that's just part of being you? I think it's, I think I'm normal. I'm like, why do you want to be scared? But my kids love like horror, all kinds of horror. From the gory to the psychological

to the like arms getting cut off stuff. They love it. And I can't, I get so scared. I don't know. I don't know what it is. Yeah, yeah. Well, you're very good in this. Thank you.

And I don't know where it's, because I only saw the first episode, so there- We don't know where it's going. There's so much to not know about. Yeah. But I do love that it's all set within the 80s time of the satanic panic, which is right in my sweet spot of growing up.

Like, that was my time. I remember the kids, I remember hearing about kids playing Dungeons and Dragons and that we heard there was that urban legend that, like, a kid killed himself when his character in the game died and everybody in, I grew up in suburban Baltimore, and it was like, no one's allowed to play Dungeons and Dragons. It makes people kill themselves. And that was like, no one's allowed to play Dungeons and Dragons. It makes people kill themselves. And that was my reaction to everything, like Judas Priest, like all

that stuff was like, no, it's really bad. It was scary, scary stuff. And you know, there's all this stuff that you play it backwards and it ties you into murdering your mother. You know, we had all that, we grew up with that stuff. I just was talking on Twitter because somebody posted an awesome video of some evangelist who, I think they're now on TikTok, they're further along in technology than I am, where they were saying that the Barry Manilow song, I Am Music and I Write the Songs, is that that's Satan saying that. You know, I put the words and the melodies together and I get inside your soul or whatever. And it reminded me that we had in Yorkville High School, Yorkville, Illinois, there was

an English teacher who was an aspiring preacher. That's what he really wanted to do. But he couldn't get there, so was an English teacher who was an aspiring preacher. That's what he really wanted to do. But he couldn't get there, so he taught English? He taught English in high school and was like the spring theater director, you know? Sure. But there was this ministry that was, there was like two brothers, they were the ministry that did the backward stuff in rock and roll, kind of, you know, like the Eagles studied with Anton LeVay

and, you know, all this shit, you know. And, but- I thought that's a new one, I did not hear that one. They would franchise this whole multimedia presentation and once a semester he would show it to his classes, which is so inappropriate. Wildly. In a public high school.

But also probably got them really excited. Oh my God, we were like, It was the best day ever. We were like, when are you gonna do the devil music stuff? And he's like, I don't know, probably not until next month. We're like, oh please.

Hurry, we don't, we wanna learn about it. We wanna see it. And nobody gave shit. Nobody believed any of it. It was just like, oh. I mean, I think maybe there was always like, cause we're kids, but I mean, we're high schoolers, you know, but but we still I think there was some level like, well, I don't know.

Maybe. Maybe the evil, maybe Hotel California is about like a satanic cult. I mean, and then, you know, and then you grow up and it's like, no. But that's what was so fun about that. I mean, I got sold on doing this project. I talked to the writer Matthew Scott Kane, and he's like, it's set in the 80s, it's about satanic panic, but it's really about now. It's really about people living in their own bubbles

of information, and what happens when a whole town is in one bubble and they all believe the same crazy pants thing? And then it feeds on itself to the point that you don't know, is it real, is it crazy, has everybody lost their goddamn mind? I'm a fan of the psychological aspect of that. Yeah, yeah.

So like it's mirroring kind of cue and on things? It's not really, just anybody, we're all in our own bubble, red bubble, blue bubble, you're in a bubble. You only are getting your information, so if something poisons that bubble, disinformation, it just keeps going in this sort of echo chamber. Nobody stops and

gets outside of it and is like, if you play the Eagles backwards, it doesn't actually, you know, it just takes on a life of its own. And that I find fascinating. And the fact that maybe my character is totally out of her mind. Yes. Yeah. And that's the thing is that it is, it's one of those things where, where you're like, is something really happening or is this person crazy? And I still don't know. Oh, good. Because I... I mean, there's a lot, a lot more to show, but I still, there's still questions

that need to be answered. And this is, this is meant to be an ongoing, like this isn't like a one-off mini series contained. Like we're gonna get to the end and it'll be the end or is it get to the end and it'll be the end or is it? Well, yes, it'll be the end or is it of season one. Although, you know, they should probably say

it's a short series, so no matter what, you're successful. But anyway, it's not, no, no, the hope is that everyone will love it. And it goes forever. And we'll come back again and do more. Yeah, that's the hope, we'll see. Yeah.

Well, that's great. And it's very, it's like, it's you, I mean, have you done much drama recently? No, I haven't. Cause that's you started out kind of doing soapy, you know, on stage stuff. Totally drama and like crying, crying was like my wheelhouse. Yeah.

So now I get to do it again. And I'm like, oh, I got so much to cry about. Just bring the camera closer, single tear. Not yet. And like, oh, I got so much to cry about. Just bring the camera closer. Single tear. Not yet. I'm like, what? Really? Not yet? Roll, roll.

This is gold. It was really fun though to get to be like crazy and to do stunts. Oh wow. And get like thrown around and, you know, by what we don't know. Whether it's all in my head or not, but I had a great time doing it.

Is that, you know, I spent, no one's ever gonna look at me and not think of Modern Family. So I may as well just go have fun and do something completely different. Sure, why not? And get to, you know, chew the scenery and have a great time. And I get to work with crazy Bananas people, Bruce Campbell.

Yeah. I mean, he's like, he's a legend. He's his own just walking encyclopedia of like indie filmmaking. We would just strap a camera on our back and we'd shoot, he just comes from a totally different world, he's such a, he's so anti-authoritarian.

Right, right. Yeah, he has really sort of carved a, like from being in the Evil Dead movies, from being in Michigan and knowing Sam Raimi. Just doing his own thing. Yeah, and then really kind of become, like in some ways like a John Wayne of a certain kind of movie.

Yeah, and he would come on set and be like, well, the way I would shoot this. And he really was very John Wayne. And he was come on set and be like, well, the way I would shoot this. And he really was very John Wayne. And he was great though. I mean, it was a blast to play, like get to play with these people that are from completely different worlds. Nolan North, who plays my husband,

is apparently massive in the video game world, which I know, doink, about. I know nothing about video games. He's into some video. He's the voice of all these characters. People would come and like follow him around and I was like, who are you? And he's like, I'm Matthew Drake from Avengers Sword or whatever.

And I have no idea. And I decided that rather than figure it out, he's got the best sense of humor, he's lovely. But they're all these sort of very, people from different worlds, and that was really fun, and to get to do it also in Georgia, not in LA, so that's fun. Yeah, that is fun.

Yeah, it is fun, not forever. No. You don't want to be in forever. I mean. Going to live in Georgia. You know, the part where we were was like so far in like the countryside, We could have been... We could have been like Uzbekistan.

There was no... No indicators. Plus, with the time, because we were doing the 80s, and the hair, it really did feel foreign. Yeah, yeah. Also, Anna Camp is in it. And she is so goddamn good. She is so good. She plays... She's been on this podcast and she's just... She's so goddamn good. She is so good. She's been on this podcast and she's just, she's. She's delightful.

She really is like, plays a villain. Like she just, she's the nicest, sweetest person, but she always plays the brittle. She plays the stick up your butt. There's a word for it, but I can't say it. What is it? Does it rhyme with? She is funny, funny, funny, and plays such a mean, mean woman in this.

You know, real, God, a very small-minded woman and getting to play with her as the season unfolds and we become real enemies. And it is super fun. Yeah, yeah. And then she'll suddenly just start singing. And twirling around you. She was a ballerina and she's obviously can sing. Everybody knows she can sing.

It's perfect all the way. Of course. She can sing like a bird, but then she's doing little twirly twirls, pirouettes around the set. And she's a joy. Everybody there was. And you're just standing there, eating a turkey leg in your combat boots.

Basically. When you see that, that's actually the last two episodes, it's me versus her, and I do not look cute. There's, let's just say it's not great. There was about two, probably three and a half hours of makeup that I had to go through every day to get to this level of uncuteness. It was rough. Wow, awesome. I can't wait. Pure wedding around and I'm like, blood dripping out of my mouth. Yeah. The other aspect of the show that I really liked too is that, you know, she's set up as,

you know, the evangelical Christian woman who's afraid of everything and says, you know, thundercats is satanic and the Smurfs are satanic. And, you know, and you just roll your eyes to that person. But then there is the real possibility that there's real satanic shit going on. And I did have this moment of like, oh shit, she gets to be right. Yeah, but that's the question, which is fun, because it isn't coming down on the side of any part. It just says, it's just asking people to actually investigate the truth and think about things, which nobody wants to do, because that's hard. It's much easier to just swipe to the next video.

You want more? I fell asleep once in, I was in Canada doing a movie and I got stuck there during, we got shut down for COVID. So I was there for two weeks in basically a hotel room. And I would just either fall asleep on my couch or fall asleep on the bed just for fun, just to see where we could go. Maybe the chair.

And I fall asleep on the couch, I'm watching ancient aliens and I wake up and the TV, you know Netflix does this, it gets very judgy, it goes, are you still watching Ancient Aliens? And I'm like, I am, as a matter of fact. Yes, and I'm just working my way through real slowly. Stop judging me.

Yes, I'm quarantined. I'm, yes, I'm still watching Ancient Aliens. Thank you very much. I don't like the judgment. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but our show's on Peacock. There's no judging. No, no judging.

No, you can watch whatever you want. Can't you tell my love's a crow? Is this the first time you've done anything kind of horror-y? Well, once upon a time, I did American Werewolf in Paris, which was the... The sequel? Not-so-long-awaited sequel. Well, it must have taken place fairly, like, a while after the original.

A long time after, and it was... One of my cast members, at the time, compared it to a Mentos commercial with puppets. We did not, it was, it's reach out, what is it, the grasp and the reach? Whatever, it was, they had big hopes and dreams and CGI hadn't quite caught up to it yet. So it was a little, somewhere between puppets and CGI

at that uncanny valley stage that in like the 90s that where you go. Yeah, it didn't quite work. It's not quite there. A blast. I come back from every job and I'm like, that was fun. They're like, it might be a Mentos commercial with puppets. I'm like, but it was so fun. Come on, guys. Yeah. But that one. It's not your fault what the quality of the thing is. You're just saying it.

I had a blast. I had a blast. I love working, so I was just having a great time. I was always surprised when something that I was in was good. Outside of TV and the things that I had control over, but once you get out in the world, it's like, sure, okay. But also when you're starting out and you don't have to make choices yet,

you're like, any job is the job I'm taking. I will go there and do that, yes. Can I keep my clothes on? Yes. Then I'll be there. How, wait. You and I have different standards. Yeah, I forgot about your history.

But no, there's, yeah, you take the job and then later people are like, why would you ever have done a silly job or something they don't ever say? You got rent. Yeah. Just rent. Yeah, you take the job and then later people are like, why would you ever have done a silly job or something they don't ever say? You got rent. Just rent. And it's fun.

And also, yeah, you didn't do this to say no to things. No, no, it's fun and it's scarier, much scarier now to be like, oh, wait, I gotta go do press. Like I have to like, so now, so now you have to be, now I have to be careful. I have to actually pick good jobs. I can't just go have fun.

I gotta be, cause you gotta sit and talk about things. So I better like it and luckily I do. Were you, cause I know you were an athlete when you were a kid. What? Well, that's it, since you were in track and that you- I did cross country and track. Yeah, and lacrosse or something too, didn't that you... I did cross country and track. Yeah. And, uh...

But if you throw a ball anywhere near me... Right. You'll flinch and cry. That... Yeah, yeah. Exactly. It's a jump scare to me. Every ball, a tennis ball, anything, I'm flinching and counting. So that's what you could run in a straight line. Yeah. As long as there were no branches that might sweep down. Once I figured out, yeah.

Because where I grew up, cross-country wasn't, weren't enough people that were doing cross-country. So then I went to boarding school and they had a cross-country team. Oh, is that why you went to, because yeah, is that why? Because you wanted to run or? Well, no, that's where I discovered,

I knew I could run in a straight line. Yeah. And they were like, oh, that's a sport. I'm like, it is? I didn't know. Growing up in Baltimore, it was like lacrosse, field hockey, basketball, full stop. Those are the only sports, at least where I was from.

Yeah, soccer hadn't started yet. No, there were some kids who played soccer, but we were like, are you European? Yeah, yeah. It was just like, and now obviously, it's the biggest sport in the entire world, and I'm an idiot. But so I could run in a straight line, yeah.

And then there were no other girls that wanted to do it at the time, so I was on the boys' team. Oh, wow. Yeah, I mean, technically was coed, but. Yeah, yeah. I was the co in the end. But you were in boarding school.

Yeah. For how many years? Three. How was that to go away as a teenager to boarding school? Were you happy about it or? It was, Andy, do you remember being 14 years old? Yeah. Go back, okay, I got it.

You got to live with all your friends. Yeah. There were no parents. Everybody had the same parent, it was called a school. Right. There wasn't like Henry's parents let him drive and smoke weed. Right. And you make me come home at 10 p.m.

And everybody is together all the time. And it is both, it's fantastic. I loved it. Now, I'm sure other people hate boarding school or have their own stories, but mine was, I loved it. It was fun. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I had a great time. And you'd had enough of your parents at that point.

Well, they had gone to boarding school too. It's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had a great time. And you'd had enough of your parents at that point. Well, they had gone to boarding school, too. It's funny, though, that now as a parent, I get to this age. See, that's I think like if I could send my kids away. You would. No, I don't think I could. What wasn't sending away, my sister went because she was starting to get in a little trouble, like not bad trouble, but yeah, it's like maybe.

And I went and visited her at boarding school and I went, I'm coming. Yeah, yeah. I'm getting in trouble just so I can come here. Because no, I was- Someone give me a joint. Absolutely going. So what's weird though is now you've got older kids,

I've got 15, 15 and 17 year old boys. And I'm like, what did my parents do at this age about like, you know, drinking, girls, all this stuff that starts to come up in these teenage years when it's so crazy? And I'm like, oh, they didn't. I was at boarding school. I have no model for this. I'm literally out on my own. I'm like in a desert with dudes. So I'm a terrible parent. No, I mean, and also too, like with the first kid,

it's the first, everything is the first time. Poor kid, right? And I, you know, I told my son that. I'm like, I'm sorry, but you know, every step of the way, you know, you were the test case. You know? Yeah. I told my oldest too, I said, I made every mistake I can make.

And with you. I'm so sorry. Yeah. I really am. But also you're a pain in the ass and I, someone needs to say it. Why is no one? No, I mean, I'm desperately in love with them and it's like being, someone said,

what's it like to have teenage boys? And I said, it's like getting dumped by three guys at the same time. Every day. Every day. They walk in and I'm like, hi? Yeah, yeah. Like, do I look pretty?

Why aren't they talking to me? They don't even look up, they go right to their rooms. And then I like, the only excuse I have to talk to them is you didn't flush. And they're like, mom, get out of here. So it's, I'm in that, again, the desert. Yeah, yeah. But they, we're gonna come out of it.

We're gonna come out of it. It does, my son's 23 and he's out of college now and he's living with us. And it does, like I know him better now than I did between like say age 16 and age 21. Are you serious? Absolutely, absolutely. Wait a minute, so.

We have more conversations, I know more about his life. He shares more, and he's also, he's a tough nut to crack. So he's not exactly the most, you know, the biggest sharer. Right. So it does take some work. He's a dude. He's a dude, he definitely is a dude.

But, you know, but then it's like, but even beyond that, he really does not, like when you try to like, hey, what's wrong with this particular area of your life? I don't wanna talk about it. Like, all right, you sure? It might help, but my daughter, my daughter's like, not so much with me anymore, but with my ex-wife, my daughter just is like,

she's gotta let you know everything. She shares everything. Everything. Well, I thought one of them, I mean, my three sons are totally different from each other. Yeah. I mean, you line them up. Even the twins? Oh, yeah. Yeah, wow. Night and day, all of them are very different. Are they identical or? No, no, fraternal. They don't even look alike. And each one, I'm like, are you going to be the talker? Are you the one that's going to tell me what's going on? Someone's gonna tell me what's going on, right? Come on. Someone wants to share.

And every now and again, the only information I get is like, can I have Camilla over? Or whatever. And you know. Not unless you told me. The Queen Regent? Yeah, yeah. She's stepping out on Charles.

You heard it here first. She's dating a 17 year old. It's all the rage. She saw that Anne Hathaway movie and she just lit her pants on fire. She's like, I'll do it in America. Yeah, that's the only way I'll get any information is if I lord it that you can have her over if you tell me who she is. But then it's like, where is she? Her name's Camilla. That's it? Anything else? No. Okay, you're right.

You can have her over. I give up. Because sometimes the girls talk to me. Every now and again, the girls talk to me. And that's, I need- Wait, you're going to have someone in here who will talk to me? I find myself standing in the kitchen,

I'm making a lot of cookies that no one's eating. But I have to be in the middle of the house for a reason. And it feels like lurky to be just like, hey, you know, like Marlon Brando in, what was that movie with Johnny Depp, when Johnny Depp was Don Juan? It was Don Juan, I remember. Oh, it was something Don Juan.

It had Don Juan in the title. I don't know why I'm thinking this, but. Marlon Brando is massive. And he sort of leans into the shot and like is caught by the side of the frame. That's me all the time. So I'm like, I'll just make cookies so that I'm not doing an awkward like, hey, fellas, what's going on?

And then lots of cookies are thrown away. Did you share more with your parents, you think, than your kids do with you? Well, I was from a family, it was all girls and my dad. So everybody was sharing everything all the time. And my older sister was like, she's the greatest older sister you could ever have because she just walked into the fire.

She's like, whatever you've got. And she, you know, be home at midnight, 1 a.m. And she was always in trouble, always getting grounded, always fighting with my parents. So she cleared this path a mile wide. All I had to do was my homework and they're like, you're the best, you're the best. And I was like, Molly's the best, are you kidding me?

She's the best. She lived so fearlessly as a teenager. And I was like, that looks... Well, maybe you should come home at midnight. You know, I'm just saying. Yeah, yeah. So I was very lucky. They've got a point.

They might have a point. She's... I mean, she's still the most fun, lovely human being alive. And she's... And I always thought my parents couldn't... They were like, they fought with each other, so that meant they didn't like her. They love her. To this day, they're super tight.

And I'm like, I learned a lot. I learned a lot. It took me a really long time, but now I'm like, I say to my other sons when I'm fighting with my oldest, I really love him. I love him like crazy. Don't confuse this screaming with anything but just full-force parenting right now. Right, right. Yeah, no, some, as I have said, you know,

the corporal punishment that I subject my children to is on their ears. Just on their ears. I was like, you see me sliding away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no, this podcast is pro spanking. That's the whole deal here. No, I mean, there is like, and it's funny

because they know that even though, like, you know, people, they're used to me getting recognized, you know, it's not all the time, but you know, but frequently people know who I am. And I have never had any compunction about being like, get back here, sit down, you know, like if they're acting up or if there's something going on. And I'm not, I'm not like a strict authoritarian

or anything, but there are times, like I just- Like you're saying in front of strangers who have just asked for your selfie and you're like, get the hell back here. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I don't care. And they would be like, dad, those people heard you yelling at me.

And I'm like, yeah, well, they saw a dad and a kid having dad and kid stuff. Like it's, you know. I wish I had that. When I remember going to Disneyland when with all three of my kids and my younger sister and her kids, when Modern Family was just, you know, it was probably in year three or four.

So it was really big. And going to Disneyland was a little bit fraught. And my kids are a little- And you couldn't really disguise yourself very well or? I didn't, it never occurred to me because I'm not so, I'm not like Jennifer Aniston where all day long, people like, and yet it happens every day. It's just, I don't know when it's gonna happen.

So it's again, jump scares. My life is jump scares. But my kids were melting down at Disneyland because they're freaking three years old and it's hot and they didn't get on the ride they wanted to. And they are melting down and there's a circle gathering around filming me trying to manage this situation with three little kids.

And I remember when they didn't want to go to the bathroom. I said, you have to go to the bathroom before you get on this ride. Cause I knew we were going to be that line. Of course. And they didn't want to. And Annie, my sister said, pick him up and take

him to the bathroom. I go, I cannot look at the cameras. Everyone's standing around. And I'm like, and she goes, well, I'm not famous. And she grabs two of them and marches them into the women's room to make them pee. And I was like, thank you. Thank you because those moments are not good for parenting.

You're like, have to parent publicly? I'm not into it. My first step would have been yelling at the people filming me. You know, put the phone down. But no one's me, you know, put the phone down. See, but no one's going to call you like, you're an ungrateful little. It's different. It's, yeah, women have a very unfair set of standards that men don't have to deal with. I know, right? I mean, is it?

I don't know if you've ever encountered that. I'm telling you about that. Thank you for explaining that to me. I am so grateful. Yeah, life is unfair for women. News flash. Tell me more. Listen, I've been, as we sit here in an air conditioned studio in America on the 21st, we're okay. Yes, absolutely. I'm okay, you're okay.

And we get to do this really silly, we get to be in this silly business. It's fun. Yeah. Did you want to do this forever? I mean, when you went to Brown, did you go to Brown to study theater? I went to Brown. Again, kudos to my parents who were very kind about education. It also cost about one-eighteenth.

Yeah, sure. Back then, what it does now. And they go, college is for exploring. College is for finding out what you want to be and do. And you don't have to commit to anything. You go to grad is for exploring. College is for finding out what you wanna be and do. And you don't have to commit to anything. You go to grad school for that. Right. With the opposite of what I say to my kids right now,

which I'm like, welding? I'd like to see something. I'd like to see a skill. Yes, yes. A marketable skill. Learned at a state school. DeVry, I mean, like, I'm not joking. I'm not kidding. I'm like I want real skills. Yes, you can drink beer and read a book once a semester. Right. And I need some real hard skills.

Yeah. Underwater welding, they make a ton of money. You can combine your love of scuba with your love of fire. Imagine. I remember that was when my, when I, we never went, I didn't do any of that. Like what is the highest, you know, salaried graduation major, you know, like now, but like, I remember my parents, like my, my brother was supposed, and he got accepted to the Colorado school of mines. Yeah, I know that's a good school. Yeah. Where, and it's like all the petroleum engineers come out. I would like it if one of my kids went there. So it had the highest, and it probably still does, had like the highest graduating salary, you know, like for a new graduate. Because those kids actually

are going to work. Yeah, they're going, that was my parents were so focused on like, yeah, get that cash, kid. Was he older or younger? He's older, he's two years older. Oh, see, that's a good older sibling, just blazing the way, taking all the fire, so you could go to like clown college. I went to film school, ma'am. I didn't know, where'd you go to film school? I went to Columbia College in Chicago.

Oh my gosh. That's where the director of the pilot of- Of the show. Of the history one, Jordan Pope Roberts. Yep, see? If there's two people working there, you know? If there's two, then there must be more. But my parents didn't ask me,

they were like, just explore. And so I did. And then I, you know, I always wanted to act, but it's always like, oh, just go to grad school. That's what they said. So after college, I was like, well, I want to go to grad school for acting. They were like, pfft, not that. Come on.

That's not what we meant. We were like, law school. Yeah, we changed our minds. We didn't mean acting. Yeah. So, like, that's silly. But they were dead right. They're like, that is a really tough, painful business.

We just gave you all the skills you could ever need to go make money. We paid for it. They were generously paid for K through 12 and college. And then I was like, I'm just going to crap on that and go wait tables things. Yeah, yeah.

And that's what I did. Yeah. Because I wanted to be an actor. And they were like, if you want to be an actor, you're going to have to live an actor's life, which is, you know, you're going gonna have to sleep with everyone. What else to say? Right, exactly.

I mean, you're just gonna- Honey, you know what you're gonna have to do. Sweetheart, get a wax. No, they were like, this isn't easy, go do it. So, and I appreciated that, because they didn't, they weren't the people that said every single painting that came home in finger paints was like a masterpiece.

They're like, that's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, because they're not all winners. Right, right. And maybe I was gonna be a crappy, maybe acting really was awful in cringe making. Yeah. The first time I did a little indie film in college

and it came to the local, to the Baltimore Museum of Art or something. awful in cringe-making. Yeah. The first time I did a little indie film in college, and it came to the local, to the Baltimore Museum of Art or something, and they had my picture was on the cover of like the, you know, the catalog that they send home for the winter schedule. Oh, okay. My parents were like, what is this? And I said, it was this thing in indie that I did,

and I did it in college. I was so excited, and they were like, they were like, are you naked? I said, what's this thing in Indy that I did? And I did it in college. I was so excited. And they were like, are you naked? I said, well, there's one scene, but you don't see anything. They were like, we're having a cocktail party that night and inviting all our friends so they can't go to the screening. I was like, you don't, it's like you see anything. But they were like, we're not taking a chance.

We're not taking a chance on that. No, no, no, no. Could you? They must really think your body is hideous. Who gives a shit? We're not taking a chance on that. No, no, no. No. Could you? They must really think your body is hideous. They just were like, I mean, my parents are pretty old school and they used to bury actors outside of the cemetery

with the prostitutes and the other fallen, you know. Sure. The unbacked tides. Understandable. Yeah, so we really are, with the little like, we're one step above or below, depending on how you look at it, like oldie timey sex workers. I have always, honestly, I think sex workers have a little bit more standing, like they perform more of a service.

You know what? You cannot argue with it. It's never going out of style. We never see in the jobs reports that like sex work, it's just plummeting. We cannot find people to fill these positions. There aren't enough people. There aren't enough people that want them.

There's huge shame attached to it, and yet it's still thriving. And it is a bustling industry. It's true. Can't you tell my love's a girl? I found this interesting that you were doing stage stuff. You went to New York to kind of- To try. To do stage stuff. To try.

And then you decided you were too scared to do, like you had stage fright. Well, no, I didn't have, it's not that I had stage fright. I wasn't getting hired. Oh. I wasn't getting hired. Oh. I wasn't getting hired. There was one audition I remember doing to try and get into this Shakespeare, because I had studied in England. I went to Oxford for a summer to do Shakespeare,

and then I did another Shakespeare thing. I was like doing Ibsen, like in classes. And then I would go to these auditions to try and get these jobs, and they were just like, I clearly didn't have it. And in one of them, I remember going up on my lines, I was trying to get into this like local Shakespeare company. It was not, this was not fancy. Yeah, yeah.

And I went up on my lines, so I improv'd. Oh, wow. I improv'd in Iamic pentameter. See, that's actually, that's a more, you know, unique skill than saying all that old shit. You could see them like, as they're like, what? And like, we all know Romeo, Romeo, like we all know this monologue. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you don't think you're gonna pull a fast one and like just change it up? Not to those nerds, they know. No, no, no, they knew. They absolutely knew. Did they say something afterwards? There was a blackout. There was like a cold sweat shame blackout.

But I started getting work in New York doing like, I did commercials and day playing on this and that. And so I was like, well, if this is what I... I can't be a snob about money. Like I wanted, I really did want to be a theater snob. I really, I really had, that was what I had my heart set on. Was that what you got the most enjoyment from consuming? No, I just thought that that's what people...

That was the classiest thing to do. That's what cool, smart people did. And I wanted to be a cool, smart person. And they're like, TV for you. All of that's like Shakespeare and Ibsen. Like I reached a point a few years ago where I went to see, I can't remember,

but it was Shakespeare in the park in Central Park. It was the one with Puck. That's Midsummer Night's Dream. Midsummer Night's Dream. And at the end of it, I just, I said to my ex-wife, and this was not that popular thing for me to say, I said, I'm never going to anything Shakespearean again. I was just like, I'm done, I'm done.

I'm good. I'm all good on Shakespeare. I don't derive enjoyment from it. I don't, I get what's so great about it and everything. It just doesn't speak to me. It's like, I sit there, I don't understand half the time what's happening, and then even when I do, I'm like, okay, you know, I don't care.

I'd rather watch, honestly, a teen drama about the satanic panic in the 80s. Well, have I got a show for you, Andy. So it turns out I've got hysteria for you. I think that I just, you know, I had a good education and I thought I really want to act, so somehow I need to be, like, do educated acting. Yeah, yeah.

It was, we're all living from a blueprint that an 18 year old made up. Yeah. I mean, aren't you? Yeah. Like some 18 year old, you were like, you make the choices, I'll wait and I'll follow your direction.

Right, right. We let a 19 year old tell us where we were gonna live. Yeah, yeah. And like when we were gonna like make babies and everything, yeah, I'm still living. My last name was Lutkemeyer when I was born. And my middle name is Bowen. And so I started using Bowen and people ask me all the time,

well, why do you use Bowen? I said, first of all, no one can say Lutkemeyer. Second of all, it was the choice of an 18 year old. Like, what do you want? Like we're all just living with the fallout. We're just doing our best to dig out from some choices that have been made. Did it bother your parents that you were in Luke Kamei? No, they loved that because, well, this is pre-internet.

Thank God one of us was brave enough to ditch Luke Kamei. No, it was the opposite. I had the feeling, I was like, it was like I was gonna go and do this. I gave myself four years. I was like, it was like, I was going to go and do this. I gave myself four years. I was like, you know, after I graduated from college, I had until 25. And if I wasn't getting jobs by 25, I would go back to being, you know, I would go back to grad school or I'd be a lawyer and I'd be Julie Lutkemeyer. And in the meantime, I got into SAG and I was Julie Bowen,

and I was like, but if it doesn't work out, I just dump it, it's like it didn't happen. Remember when you could make things not happen. You could just go, it didn't happen. There's no one has a photo, it didn't happen. Nothing's digital. And it was like, and I won't throw shame upon my family with my sex worker-like job that I'm clearly undertaking.

With your clown college. Yes, with my clown college and, you know, all the embarrassing ways I will throw shame upon the family. So everybody was happy with it. They were like, good choice, good choice, good choice. And then years and years and years and years later, now I'm now divorced, but I still have my ex-husband's last name,

which is Phillips. And no one will call me that either. Yeah. So, you know, there's a lot of decision-making along the way that doesn't make sense, and you just roll with it. Yeah, I think, you know, like the name stuff is always, because my first wife kept her last name.

People were always like, doesn't that bother you? Like, no, I don't give a shit. Who cares? Yeah, I mean, I'd take her name. If it's more convenient for some reason, it's just. But I always thought it would be good because then I'd have the same last name as my kids. And my kids go, that's not your last name.

Isn't it Phillip's mom? I go, it is. Legally, they go, you're Julie Bowen. Yeah, yeah. Like, don't even try. So, I mean, but we all are living with, it's like getting a tattoo. Yeah. You know?

Like on your face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And on your tax forms. And you just have- And on hotel reservations. It was fine, it was fine. Friend of mine makes fun of me for this. I was like, you know, 9-Eleven was hard for me.

After that, you always had to have your ID match your plane ticket. And my friend was like, oh, that's why 9-Eleven was hard. Before that- It was a real tragedy. It was hard. Before that, you could just walk on a plane. Nobody cared. And then after that, there was like,

oh no, my name on my license is different than the name on my ticket. And they're like, not you, back of the line. Oh boy. Yes, yes. I know you were wondering how I was personally impacted. Well, I had, I mean, I had that, but it was just the,

because I'm Paul Andrew Richter. And so I mean, I had that, but it was just the, cause I'm Paul Andrew Richter. And so I was, people would buy tickets for me, like I'd get a job and they'd buy it for Andy Richter. And then I'd get, and there were a couple of times where we're gonna let it go this time, but you really, and there were definitely was a time where I had to start saying, no, it's gotta be Paul. You gotta, I gotta be Paul when I travel.

Yeah, I have to travel under like a long legal and that's hard for me. It's why I don't leave the house. It's so hard for me to have to, and they buy me the ticket and it needs to be first class and then it's under a different, it's just hard. I don't think people understand. Like no wonder you're not essential.

God, you bunch of whiny babies. What brought you out here? What made you? I was getting TV and jobs. And just said, I gotta get it, yeah. I was like, you go where the love is, and by love I mean money. Like I was scrabbling to pay rent.

I had an $850 a month apartment in New York that I could barely pay the rent. And I was working, I was like waiting tables, coat checking, labeling teacups, modeling men's clothing. Don't, the number of strange things I did to make a buck. And then I was getting and then I was getting, but I was getting jobs on like, you know, a TV show up in Vancouver for a week

or Toronto or whatever. So finally I was like, okay, I'm just gonna, then I'll go. How bad can it be? And I was lucky enough, my dad's, one of his roommates from college had a place in New York, a tiny little, tiny little studio. Pianotir. And from college had a place in New York, a tiny little studio. Pianotir.

And then he had a little house out here, and for 300 bucks a month, I could be at either one. Oh, wow. Right. So we would try to avoid each other. Because there was only one bed in each place, and it was my dad's roommate from college. And he loved it because he was like, everybody thinks that we're banging. And I was like, what?

Gross. And I said, it's never gonna happen. But I'm getting so much play because of it. And I was like, I love you so much, Andrew Smith. You're the greatest person. Thank you for rescuing me. And I'm glad it worked out for him. But he offered me a place to crash in LA.

And so I was like, okay, I'll do it. So then I started auditioning out here and I was lucky enough to start working really soon. Yeah. Yeah, fast. And then Ed happened to move back to New York because I did a spot and that's where I first met you. I remember. Yeah. I did a spot in it and it felt like so weird to like have a network television, a prime time network television show. In New York. Comedy shooting in New York.

It was the best. Yeah, I bet. It was so fun. I was like, I'm paid to live in New York city. Yeah, yeah. I had left. Although, you know, it was, being poor in New York is fun in its own way. Right, right.

Because it's, anybody starting out that doesn't have any money. And by the way, I don't mean poor, you know, it was, being poor in New York is fun in its own way. Right, right. Because it's anybody starting out that doesn't have any money. And by the way, I don't mean poor, you know, obviously poverty is a horrible thing. Yes. But like when you're, when you're scrabbling and you're going to happy hours because they have free hot dogs and you're like, you know, everybody's just getting by. And that was really fun. And then I was like, Oh, I get to go back and I'm going to be living so fat. And it was in 99, I went back for four years.

And New York had like quadrunkled in, is that a word? In expense, in price. And I was still in, I was like, I'm in a studio apartment and it's like 3,500 and now it's 5,000. I was like, this place is ridiculous. But it was still New York in the late 90s. It was fantastic. It was a good time.

And was that like the first comedy that you'd gotten into, you think? Yeah, I think so. And I think I could, I always said, when they sent me on comedy auditions, I was like, I'm not, I can't tell a joke. I'm not funny. Like, don't give me those like three jokes a page kind of things. I couldn't do them. Yeah. And my managers were always very supportive.

We're like, you know what, Helen Hunt isn't funny. I go, what? They're like, not technically. Yeah, yeah. She just won like five Emmys. They're like, yes. So she's funny in a different way. She's not three jokes a page funny,

and yet she is wildly funny. Yeah. Like, try to be that, try to be Helen Hunt. Try to be Helen Hunt. If you don't mind. Yeah, yeah. If you could just call yourself Helen a lot. He would help us so much.

If you would change your name to Helen Hunt. So that was like a, but Ed was during like, when dramedy was a thing. Yeah. Between, there was like, Ally McBeal at the time. Yeah, yeah. These were hour longs with like, where there'd be like big fighting scenes between, there was like Ally McBeal at the time. These were hour longs with like, where there'd be like big fighting scenes

and then there'd be like nice warm funny scenes and all things could exist at once. That was a long time ago, Andy. I know, I know. And it's not the same anymore. Yeah, it was a very sentimental show. Like there was a lot of like real sweetness to it. So the comedy aspect of it felt more like,

you know, they were hand in glove, but it didn't feel like I was on a sitcom stage. Yeah. Which is also very fun, but I couldn't have done that at the time. But then, I mean, Modern Family was a joke machine. You know, that, I mean, and... So you obviously figured it out,

because you were so good on that show. You'll notice I didn't say, do too many jokes. I fell down a lot. But no, but I mean, but I mean, but I mean jokes in terms of that, you know, like exchanges of dialogue and takes to the camera and whatever, you know, like that show was, you know, cause like, you know, when the pilot script went around, I saw it and it was, you know, it was okay. But then when the pilot script went around, I saw it and

it was, you know, it was okay. But then when the show came out, I was like, wait a minute, where did all these jokes come from? Like, you know, this is way funnier than the pilot I saw. Are you saying, are you telling me that you were going to be in Modern Family and turn it down because you said it wasn't funny? No, I'm not saying that, but I am saying, I don't know if you know this, in the initial casting thing for Eric and Jesse, they had a photo of me and Tony Hale on the sheet. Yeah. I knew about Tony Hale. Yeah.

I didn't know about you. And then the other one was me, yeah. And I actually, and they talked to me about it, and I didn't turn it down for any other reason other than the fact that I knew I was gonna be the sidekick on The Tonight Show. Like Conan had our- You had a gig.

Yeah, and I mean, and at that time, it was like, wait, I'm gonna be the sidekick on The Tonight Show, which is like a tenured professor of show business. At 1000%. Or I'm gonna be on this, okay, you know, this like pretty good pilot, you know. Wait, so you just, but you don't know where it's gonna go. You don't know okay, you know, this like pretty good pilot. But you don't know where it's gonna go.

You don't know and you know, and when you say, hey, I got a job in a pilot, that means I've got a one in 30 chance of making a check beyond this first one. Absolutely, I didn't think I got Modern Family because I was so pregnant. And so I was testing for two pilots at once, which is what you have to do is the last stage. Sure, yeah, yeah.

I'm not telling you I'm not. But I mean, no, but people don't know. If you were in demand, you would do a pilot that would be like your first position. First position. And then in case that didn't go, you'd then go do one that they, you know. So you had to like declare what your first position was.

So I was testing for two pilots, and I wanted Modern Family, but the other show, the character was pregnant. And I was like, I've got a shot at that one. So I put the other one in first position. And I'll never forget Steve Levitan calling me being like, are you out of your mind? And I said, I'm never gonna get Modern Family. You guys keep calling me in

and staring at my big giant stomach. I was like, I would never gonna get Modern Family. You guys keep calling me in and staring at my big, giant stomach. I was like, I would love to do that job. Yeah, and they were like, well, you're wearing a tube top every time. And so I said, I need the job. Like you needed to, like you need the job that's gonna pay the bills. Right, and that is, yeah, that's got legs.

That's got legs, you don't need the, I said, if I put you in first position, then I might not get anything. And then he was like, put us in first position. So I begged and pleaded, I had to murder people. Just switch it back? Yeah, they wouldn't let me. Oh, wow.

But it all worked out. I know, I sweat when I think about that, because I'm like, oh my God, this close to just, To losing it. To being Andy Richter. in the pandemic that you could really focus on and do. Yeah. And like, so I started making soap. Um, I did, I did.

That's a, gotta be a real money saver with the soap that you go through. No, I started a soap company. Oh wow. Yeah, called JB Scrub and it's tagline is Pits Nuts Butts. Nice. Thank you. It's for, it's for,

cause I was locked in a house with tween boys. Yes, yes. And I was like, I'm in hell. Also, do you know how to clean your body? Like they'd be like conditioner, like on their feet. And you're like, this is disgusting. But it was, so during the, so what, you know, lots of ventures undertaken during the-

Yeah, cause what the hell else are you gonna do? Right. Yeah. And some of them, like JB Scrubsbs, we're on Amazon, Andy. Yeah. And, but then there's some things like podcasting, you actually have to do it on a regular basis and you need to like put time and effort and energy into it. And I'm working in Georgia and then I'm working here

and there and I was like, you can't actually, it's hard to do all these things. Oh, and then I have three kids. Yeah. So something's gotta give. Yeah, I know. And it's not the soap. The soap stains. Yes, I've made a commitment to pits. Nuts and butts. Nuts and butts.

In that order too, by the way. My friend Faye Soloway had a great one for, you know, like the horse bath, you know, like you just do it. PTA. Yeah, just like a quick one. Hers was shits, tits, and clits. Oh, shits, pits, tits, and clits. That's what it was.

It was four. She should put the shits last though. Well, yeah, but I mean, you know, but it's not meant to be an order. It's not a recipe. Well, what you're telling- It's just a catchy way to say it. So you could say, pits, tits, clits and shits, I guess.

Yes, because you always go pooper last. Right. Yeah, always, that's why I was like, because that's how it started, I was staying outside of my kid's bathroom being like, you know, one day they're like, mom, will you wipe my butt? And then the next day you're not allowed in there, ever.

I haven't seen my children's bodies in years. Yeah, yeah. And it's seen my children's bodies in years. And it's fine, don't get it twisted, but at the same time, I'm like, do you know what you're doing in there? And so I would stand outside the bathroom and go, kids, nuts, butts, in that order. You don't drag from the under to the over.

No one needs you going deep and then coming high. That's just ugly. But they would go, what? And just do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you could just dip them, you know? In like a...

In like a flea bath, like a dog. Like when they shear the sheep and they... No. I've thought about it. I've definitely considered it. Boys are a whole new world. It's fun when they're into girls though. It's fun when they start getting into girls

because then all of a sudden they're like, how do I get clean again? Like, what was that business about pits and butts? And I'm like, come to mama. And then it's weird. And then it's really weird. It is really weird. Yeah, yeah, no, it is.

Like you say, you've got this child who is crawling all over you, who you have to like literally maintain every bit of their body. And then at a certain, I mean, it's natural, but it does feel kind of like, oh, wow. That, you know, there you go. The door closes.

Yeah, yeah, stay away. No, that door closes and you're like, you know that I like used to to scrape weird things out of you. Like out of your butt crack. Behind your ears. Yes, and there was like, you threw up in my mouth. One of my kids threw up in my mouth. I will never forget it.

And I was like, and you're worried that I'm going to see a pubic hair or something? I'm like, it's okay, whatever. I don't want to creep. I don't want to be a creeper. I'm not advocating for like busting down the bathroom door, but it is just bizarre that it happens like. Yep.

Was that the sound of the bathroom door locking? Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes it was and you're never going back in there again. No, no. And then also too, that when they start dating, that's, I mean, for me. Condoms everywhere. As a-

Everywhere. As a- My kids hate it that I, starting way too early. Because early and often is how you talk about sex and protection. And condoms and stuff. So you talk about drugs and early and often, I was like, these are fentanyl test strips.

These are condoms. They're like, what's fentanyl? You know, like I was like, it's gonnaanyl? You know, like, I was like, it's going to kill you is what it's going to do. And some girl is going to tell you she's on the pill and she's not. So we're also not going to have diseases and babies around here. So my kids have been swaddled in this stuff for so long. I don't know though, if that makes them just immune to it. I mean, all you can do is, you know, it's like when, you know how it is, it's like when they start going out on their own to like a high school party, and then you just think like, they could die.

Oh, yeah. And it's like, well, yeah, they could, but you know, but. Once they get their license. What are you gonna do? I mean, your daughter got her license and your son's older. Yeah, yeah. But he was the first one he got his license for you like, I don't go to bed until they're home. No, not really. Not really. Yeah, yeah. So he was the first, when he got his license, were you like, I don't go to bed until they're home?

No, not really. Not really. My ex-wife was certainly more that way. But we also, like, we were lucky in that both kids are very cautious, you know? Like, my son was, my son was a... Like, I have nerds, and I'm just really lucky. I mean, no, I just, you know, I didn't worry about them breaking into the high school or, you know, we're climbing a power tower or whatever.

I just, cause like my son was at a party once where a kid, some kid brought a taser. It was tasing girls in the backyard. So my son was at that party is what you're saying. What? I gave him that taser. No, I did not. I gave it to taze the girls that said they were on the pill. I did not, but I absolutely found a taser in his room one day

and was like, what? What is this? He goes, I got it in Chinatown. I go, that's not good. It's like a low quality taser. Yeah, you could say that about an STD too. Yeah, but I mean like, it could reverse tase you for all I know. What are you doing with a taser?

It's cool. It's not cool. Yeah, no. No, I know. I love my kids, but the stuff that they bring home, bananas, yeah. But he, and this is before he had a cell phone too, because I got a call from him.

He was somewhere like over in Sherman Oaks or something. Oh my God, it was absolutely my son. He ran. He was there with like four friends. And he just, when he heard like, I think that at first they were like, someone's got a knife. And he was just even, he hadn't even entered the house yet.

He was at the front door and he just took off, left all his friends behind, was calling me from a phone without a bread. Dad, dad, you gotta come pick me up. Somebody had a night with the party. And then by the time I got there, all his friends had caught up with him. They were like, he ran so fast. He was like three blocks ahead of us.

Where did he get a phone? He found the only pay phone left in California? There was a pay phone on Ventura Boulevard that he used. I don't know, it was like in a Starbucks or something. Oh my God. He called me from a payphone and I went and picked up like five teenagers who were all like, no, it was a kid with a,

it wasn't a knife, it was a taser. And you're like, oh, okay. Some boy was, he was in the backyard tasing girls. Like, cause you know, girls love that. Girls love to get tased. Hey, ow. Oh, I know I'm in a. Girls love to get tased. Hey, ow! I know I'm incapacitated. Ow, I'm riding on the ground.

I need my heart stopped for a second. Maybe that's love. I know our kids probably cross paths as they went to the same school. And my son is fun. Yeah, yeah. Well, Julie, what's in the future for you? You got anything left undone? Any other soap companies?

No, I've got soap company. I have a production thingy doodle-doo where I'm developing stuff. That's very hard work, I'd like to say. I'm always like, no one brings you coffee when you're doing this. Oh, yeah, they expect you, it's the same thing. It's like... There's no craft service.

I see that you've directed episodes, too. Yeah. And, like, directing is, it sounds great, and it's really fun, but it's like, yeah, but it isn't like, if you're not in a scene, you don't get to go take a nap. There are no naps. They expect you to answer all the questions.

Every, all directing is is answering questions. It is just answering questions and sweating. Yeah. I find it to be, I have nothing but respect for what I call real directors, which I would not call myself one. I mean, I got to direct Modern Family in that short, or like, you know, I don't think that I-

I've done commercials. I've done commercials. I don't have big- I've done commercials. Oh, so you're a real director. Oh, wow. Thank you. I mean, you make decisions. Yeah. No, I like it. I like it. And I mean, and it is, commercials are like an extension of doing Conan bit.

Yeah. A little, you know, like 60 seconds of comedy. Okay. Yeah. I know. With a tagline, yeah, I can do that, you know? I would like to see you in a pitch meeting when they're like, they're like, the product is adult diapers. Andy, go.

And you're like, I got this. I'm wearing them. Yeah, done. You know what, I would buy that pitch right effing now. I love that. So I'm gonna, I think, you know, I have to find out if this is going back. I'm about to go to New York to do Happy Gilmore 2.

Oh, nice. Next week. And that is, that should be fun, I think. I mean, I miss the days when things shot in LA. And I'm super grateful that I get to go back and do it anyhow, but it's a lot of back and forth. And I mean, I've never been in one of his things, but they're so fun.

And I mean, it just seems like it's such a happy place, you know, happy place to work, you know? So nice. Like, you're like, what, have you read the script? I'm like, you don't need to read the script. You say yes to Adam, because when you get there, the vibe is amazing. It is joyful and it's always the most.

And it would be like, I'm like, why is Rob Schneider here? Is he in the way? He's like hanging out. And like all funny, delightful people are stopping by and cracking you up. And I'm like, why would I not do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's a great, great guy.

No, he's like, the way that he's just engineered his life and the choices that he's made are just almost heroic. He takes the whole family everywhere. Yeah. All the time, I'm like, that's genius. I wish I could figure out how to do that. Yeah. But I don't think it's gonna work.

I know. I'm a little late for that now. I know. But so I'm gonna go do that and then we'll see what happens with hysteria. Coming out on Peacock October 18th. What, what do you, I'm sure that people ask you for advice and things. Like what do you, what do you? They ought not.

No, but I mean, but I'm sure they do. I mean, people do a lot of dumb stuff. Um. Um. Um. We all smoked once. People do crazy things. No, but I mean, but what do you think is the point of, you know, like when somebody says,

do you have advice for people either in this business or people, you know, with kids or whatever? Oh my God. Do you have like a kind of a tip for a life that you follow? A life tip that I follow? Jesus, don't do what I did. You don't have to. Well, that's there, there's that right there. Check my IMDB and say no to all of those.

No, I do think that I have like opinions that I've developed, but every time you sort of get a life skill surrounding kids especially, it's useless once they grow out of it. I'm like, I every time you sort of get a life skill surrounding kids especially, it's useless once they grow out of it. I'm like, I have mastered five year olds, fuck your six. Like you just go on to the next thing. But with like teenagers, my sister told me this and it has been really helpful.

Cause I was like, what am I doing? I'm like sitting around, I should be going on dates or something, should I be like having an adult life? Because at this age, they need you 5% of the time. And the other 95%, they could give a rat's ass if you're around. But when they need you, you don't know when it's gonna be or where it's gonna be, and you're gonna miss that moment

if you aren't doing some lurking. I mean, yeah, go do your job, go have a life. But there's times like on a Saturday night when I'm like, well, I don't even know if they're gonna be here, they're going out. I should go make plans. And yet if you just kind of park it, make fake cookies in the kitchen,

no one's ever gonna eat. They start coming in and out, you start having conversations. So with teenagers, you just sort of have to like, being around works. Yeah. Because, but planning, trying to be like, you know, it would be fun

if we had a super awkward meal at Chipotle together. Where you never look up from that weird hair that's in your face. Yeah, it'd be like a job interview for a job you don't want. Yes, exactly. But you think, no, what would they like to do? And you're like, nothing.

They would like to do nothing. So you just sort of have to, you've got to sort of be there in order to catch the runoff. And sometimes it's freaking magic and great. So that's my teenager advice. Yeah, yeah. That I stole from my sister. It's, it is, it's tough.

Like I said, you know, they, 16, they kind of are off. And then, cause my, you know, from getting divorced and being single again and living on my own, like that was the worst part, was like not living in the same house with my kids. And they're, you know, and like when my daughter in the last, you know, couple of years, there was more distance than I would have liked

just in terms of like amount of time that we were spending together. And I saw one of her best friends from school, I saw her dad and he said, you know, how's things? And I said, well, I said, I don't know, I don't see my daughter nearly as much as I'd like to. And he said, I don't either.

And I live in the same house with her. He's like, I never see her. I don't know what she's doing at any given moment. And I was like, oh, okay, that's a relief. There's some statistics, like you spend, from the time they get their license on, like all the good quality time that you're going to spend with your kids is like all occurs under the age of 14.

Yeah. And then they just start getting so independent. And then- And they're supposed to. They're supposed to. That means that you did something right. If they're supposed to. They're supposed to. That means that you did something right. If they're like hanging around cowering,

like daddy, it's not good. That's not good. But yeah, I had the same, because I'm divorced and I have shared custody. And it used to be when they were there, it was so super interactive. And then when they weren't, it was quiet and I could get work done.

And now it's like, I kind of can't tell whose house they're in and how it goes because they're independent. And they're driving themselves, too. And if it weren't for the chip that I inserted in his heel of his foot, I wouldn't know where any of them are. The air tag I sewed into his neck.

I go just cow style, like right on the ear. Because I don't know where they are. But yeah, it's not our fault, Andy. It's not. None of it. We did nothing wrong. Except the good part. Yes.

Yeah. Julie, thank you so much for doing this podcast and sitting here with me. It was really fun. You're really sweet and fun. And I remember meeting you on Ed and I was like, he's nice. Like I remember, because it was the first time I started meeting like famous people,

and I was like, they're nice. Not all of them, most. Some of them. Some of them are really nice. Really nice and normal, and it really is like. It's the Illinois. And you can, well, and the nice and normal too,

like you sense it immediately, and you're like, oh, okay, you know, we're set. We're good. Yeah. Definitely, definitely. And my family, my mom's family's from Illinois. Oh yeah. You could be related.

Oh really? Like you guys all look the same. Yeah. Sorry. Is that racist? Cause you guys all look the same. You're being whitest. You do.

You're being whitest. You always, all those like Scandinavian, Norwegian. Yeah, Germany. You're blonde, you got the round, like, yep. Yep, depressed, you know. You could be my uncle. Yep, need the extra links in the watch bracelet. You know, that kind of thing.

Not you, Mom, I love you. He didn't mean that about you. Thank you, Andy. All right, well thanks for listening, everybody. I'll be back next week with another episode of The Three Questions. The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco production. It is produced by Sean Doherty and engineered by Rich Garcia. Additional engineering support by Eduardo Perez and Joanna Samuel.

Executive produced by Nick Leow, Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, with assistance from Maddie Ogden. Research by Alyssa Grahl. Don't forget to rate and review and subscribe to The Three Questions with Andy Richter wherever you get your podcasts. And do you have a favorite question you always like to ask people? Let us know in the review section. Can't you tell my love's a-growin'?

Can't you feel it ain't a-showin'? Oh, you must be a-knowin' I've got a big, big love This has been a Team Coco production.