The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Let JB Smoove Fix Your Life

Episode Date: April 29, 2021

Andy drops in to tell you about Team Coco’s newest podcast! It’s called May I Elaborate: Daily Wisdom from JB Smoove. Every morning, Monday through Friday, JB will take an inspirational quote and squeeze even more meaning and motivation out of it. This show will help you laugh your way to your most enlightened self. We could all use a personal guru - make yours JB! Check out the first episode here. Wanna hear more? Subscribe!

Hi listeners, it's me, Andy Richter. I know you tune into the three questions for deep, funny, and thought-provoking conversations with your favorite people. But where do you tune in for answers to the big questions like, what's my purpose? How can I change the world? How do I become my most enlightened self? Well, there's only one man who can answer those questions for you, and his name is J.B. Smoove.

You may know J.B. as Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm or from his multifaceted TV and film career. And now J.B. is here to help you. Team Coco is launching his new podcast, May I Elaborate? Daily Wisdom from J.B. Smoove today. Every morning, Monday through Friday, J.B. will take an inspirational quote and squeeze even more meaning and motivation out of it in a way that only JB can do. Each episode is bite-sized, between 10 and 15 minutes long, and it's the perfect way to kick off your day feeling enlightened, entertained, and grounded. Very funny and a little weird. It's very JB. He's the perfect thing to wake up to. Just ask his wife. And I've got an episode for you to

listen to right here, right now. So listen, enjoy, find some inner peace. And if you like it, head on over to wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe so you don't miss a single episode. And now, JB Smoove. New day, new you. Wake your ass.. Plot Monday through fucking gratitude. Be mine. You're listening to May I Elaborate Daily Wisdom from me, J.B. Smoove. Ha ha.

Look at you. Do you even know where you are right now? I always say look at you because I want you to look at yourself. You know? I want you to have a place where you can be the best you. The best fucking you that you can be.

They say that shit in the army too. Be all you can be. Fuck that. Be all you can be. You know what I say? I say that shit incorrect. I tell my fuckers, be all me can be.

Trying to keep your ass 100. 100. All the kids say that right now. I'm going to keep it 100 on you. I'm going to keep it 101, 102. I might fuck around and go 120 on your ass. I don't know. Sometimes it depends how fast I'm driving.

They tell your ass, sometimes you're driving in the 55 mile per hour zone, but your ass doing 75 in your mind. Oh, shit. Did you see what I just said to you? Some of this stuff you should be writing down or memorizing and keeping that shit in the back of your head. Fuck around and be a term paper or some shit like that. So I'm J.B. Smooth. I'm your guide to enlightenment.

I want to introduce you guys to my co-host, Miles. Hey. Hey, Miles. Hey. People always ask, where the fuck you met at? You know what I always say? I don't tell people a specific place, like one of those aisles in Target or some shit like that, or Walmart. You know what I tell them?

The universe. We met in the fucking universe. See? Well, it was New York. Yeah. It could be a little more specific. But yeah, I get what you're saying, though. Yeah.

Hey, Miles, tell us what we're here to do. Well, every day on May I Elaborate, Daily Wisdom from J.B. Smooth, we're going to be looking at a new daily quote from a box calendar. You know, the ones that have the positive quotes on them. Between J.B. and I, we have a pretty big collection of them. So every day I'll just pick a calendar and a quote to read to JB and he'll elaborate on it. Tell us, JB, what do you mean by elaborate? It means I'm going to try to dig into the quote to see if I can get all the wisdom and inspiration we can out of it.

It's kind of like when you get a massage and you tell the lady to lay it on me and give me that deep tissue and she puts the elbow in your tissue of your back. I'm going to be doing that to you all the time. I mean, these quotes are pretty good, but I think I can give you an even deeper tissue massage, if I may elaborate on that. Okay. Well, we'll probably have to come up with a safe word. JB, people know you as just an extremely funny comedian and a very talented actor. Why are you doing this? Why do you feel like you need to do a podcast where you give people advice? Miles, I do this shit all day. I give people advice constantly,

Miles. I have a unique delivery, unique voice. People fucking believe me when I say some shit like that. They believe I fucking lived it. You know why? Because half the time I have lived that shit, Miles. You need a motherfucker who can mirror you, who understands your fucking thoughts.

At the same time, can motivate your ass to better yourself. Not that he's figured it all out, but God damn it, someone who's on their way with you. Well, you heard it, people. JB is clearly a qualified and certified self-help guru. And by certified, I mean not at all. Today, our quote comes from the Zen Page a Day calendar from Workman Publishing. So get that elaboration brain going. Here it is. I cried for happiness, for sadness, but most of all for emptiness. And that quote is by Dal Kim.

Oh, I'm going to elaborate the shit out of that one. I feel it. I feel it. Yeah. Wait, before you elaborate, I think we should take a quick break. That sounds good. We'll be right back. Look at us. We back. And before we went to a break,

I laid this on you. I cried for happiness, for sadness, but most of all, for emptiness. That's a lot of crying. It's a lot of fucking crying. Let me lay this on you right now. If you sit there and allow your ass to cry continuously over shit like sadness, happiness, emptiness,

once you start crying, your ass start crying over every fucking thing. And that, in turn, will not just affect your mental, but also your fucking health. How so? You are allowing fluids from your body to exit your body, causing fucking dehydration. Let me tell you something. Your ass going to get sick. Let me tell you something.

Your ass going to get sick. You're going to fuck around and be in a fucking hospital bed with the interveners hooked up to your ass because you are low on your fucking fluids. Because you keep fucking crying over shit. I get you're saying that's a lot of tears, but tears of joy versus tears of sadness, does that matter to you at all? Fuck yeah, it matters to me. But you don't got to cry that fucking much over every goddamn thing. My mama used to call that, you know what they call that in the medical world? My mama said this too, but even medical doctors say this shit.

They call that a waterhead. You know what a fucking waterhead is? It's somebody's fucking head is full of fucking water. I'm not talking about just fucking tears. I'm talking about the body loses fluids in all kinds of ways. Fucking urine, sweat, crying, of course. Pissing, that's all fluids. That's bodily fluids in your body. You can't afford to lose all that shit over crying. I must add another shit up. You seem to be pretty knowledgeable on bodily fluids, but I don't think you're addressing the bigger issue at hand. Okay, so what do they do instead?

What's the healthy release of all of these emotions? The only one I accept is tears of joy. Woo! That means we have accomplished our goal into getting you in a place where you are fucking happy enough to accept your happiness. So you're saying you got to choose what you're going to cry about. You got to choose. Of course. It's already tell you, don't cry over spilled milk. That's another thing. They say that shit all the fucking time. You know who cries over spilled milk? Fucking cows. Cows are the only ones I know that cry that spilled milk. You know why? Because motherfuckers is wasting that shit.

If you fucking spill milk, you know who loves milk? Fucking calves. You know why? Because that's their mommy. Their mommy give them the fucking udder. And they suck on that shit. And they get nutrition. They get nutrition.

That's what the fuck that milk is for. Miles, like for instance, Miles, question. Were you a formula baby or a titty baby? That's a very personal question. Here's why I asked you that. Yeah. A formula comes from a shelf. A titty has breast milk.

You know what I'm saying? That's why I'm never offended when I see a titty pop out at a party or a lady pull a titty out on a bus to feed her child. Beautiful. I like that you added to feed her child. I just wondered were people just doing that around you, just pulling them out for no reason? No. In the outside world, a titty and feeding your child should be acceptable. I agree with you.

You are nourishing a young king, a young queen coming into this world. Were you a formula baby or a titty baby? I was a titty baby. I'm a titty baby. Nothing wrong with formula. You know what I mean? Nothing wrong with formula. Formula still nourishes the body.

Some people, depending on the consistency of said breast milk, some breast milk is thin, thinner, some is thicker. You know what I mean? Some breast milk in the wintertime is like a milkshake because it's a little frost on that motherfucker. It becomes more of a milkshake titty. Fucking baby need a straw to drink that shit. Remember the old straws on McDonald's?

Yeah. The big fat ass straw with drink that shit. Remember the old straws on McDonald's? Yeah. The big fat ass straws with the red stripes on them? See, sometimes you need a big ass straw to drink that fucking titty milk. Let me ask you a question. We're talking a lot about crying. Are you a big crier? Do you cry a lot?

You know what? I don't cry a lot. I'm going to be honest. But what about at a Pixar movie or something like that? Like Toy Story or something? Toy Story. Now, that Toy Story shit was hard. Ain cry a lot. I'm going to be honest. But what about at a Pixar movie or something like that? Like Toy Story or something? Toy Story. Now, that Toy Story shit was hard. Ain't a lot.

But if I do, I excuse myself. I say, excuse me one second. And I walk my ass to the fucking restroom or some shit like that. Go in a little stall and release that shit. See, my shit is more combined. It won't just be tears. My shit will be outrage, fucking like, ah! I give one of those, sometimes one of those replaces my tears.

If you could just wrap this up, what's the takeaway? We learned that, you know, cows don't like you laughing at them, spilling the milk and all that stuff. Losing a lot of bodily fluids is unhealthy. But what is the takeaway for today? The takeaway today is keep your ass hydrated. Hydration is what's going to

come back you losing your fucking fluids and crying over stupid shit. Hydrate. Overhydrate yourself. Overhydrate yourself. Drink that fucking Poland Spring. You know I like that smart water. That shit

hydrates your ass. And that fucking Fiji water. Oh my god. Come on, Miles. That fucking Fiji water. That shit. It's water but the shit don't taste like water. You know what Fiji is? Fiji water really is? Water? Baby tears. Well, that's it for today

and thanks for listening to our very first episode of May I Elaborate. It's exciting, huh, JB? Sure is. I guess we'll see people back here tomorrow and do it all over again. Yeah, we're Monday through Friday. Miles and I kick back on the weekend, so we should do the same thing. Hydrate and rest. Yeah. And if you were motivated or inspired today, which, hey, it could have been, I don't know. Please tell a friend about this show. Listen and follow wherever you get your podcasts and you can motivate us

by giving us a great review on Apple Podcasts. I mean, you know, it's our first week and it'd be a huge help. And finally, follow us on Instagram at Team Coco Podcast. Our sexy asses will be popping up there every now and then. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you back here tomorrow. You really think I'm sexy?

You are right, man. It just went down to all right. No, it's okay. Dang. That was May I Elaborate with J.B. Smoove. And if you enjoyed it, go subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and rate and review it. It makes a big difference on launch day. Thanks so much for listening.

I'll be back with another episode tomorrow. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.