The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Maria Bamford

Episode Date: January 21, 2020

Comedian and actress Maria Bamford (What’s Your Ailment?!) sits down with Andy Richter to chat about the goodness of Los Angeleans, auditioning to become a police officer, and her favorite twelve-step programs. Later, Maria discusses how her marriage has helped her create meaning in her work.

All right, get ready. Oh, God. Get ready. Get ready to spill it. Oh, my goodness. My husband and I, we... Well, hello, everyone. You are listening to The Three Questions with Andy Richter.

I am, as always, Andy Richter, and I am really excited to have one of the funniest people on the planet, Maria Bamford, here today. Thank you so much for having me, and I will try to leap to that estimation of myself. My God. Well, I didn't mean to put the pressure on you. No. Wait, let me redo it. Okay, yeah. A moderately funny woman.

No. Maria Bamford. Perfect. This is perfect. Lower the bar. Yes, yes. She's all right. No, no, no. You know, this conversation won't be awful. I thought, I always thought her sister was funnier. And she's a pathologist.

Is your sister funny? She is really funny. I know, yeah. She's very funny, and she's extroverted, which is even more frustrating to you. Frustrating. What the fuck? Yeah. God damn it.

I had to, yeah, because that's why I got into comedy is so that I could, But now we are, if ever we're somewhere and somebody doesn't know who the comedian is, they always think it's her. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, yes. Wow. Yes. And then here she is.

And then she has all these fucking real world skills. Oh, yes. That's irritating. Yes. And four beautiful children and a loving husband. And anyways, she's a- You know what? Fuck her.

What an asshole. No, she's a- You know what? Fuck her. What an asshole. No, she's a lovely, she's an extremely lovely person. And I am the dark spirit. I've always felt that way, like, about Jon Hamm. Is, like, handsome, good actor. And then also, like, pretty funny and super nice. And then, like, I played in, like, charity baseball games. Like a fucking amazing athlete.

Just like, enough, Jon Hamm. Fucking leave some for the rest of us, Jon Hamm. Though his last name is Hamm. And that's something we can take him to task for. Yes, yes, yes. I mean, I do. He is a lovely person. Yes, he's a lovely person.

Yeah, that's the thing. Yes, exactly. So how are you? How's your person. Yeah, that's the thing. Yes, exactly. So how are you? How's your new year going? It's going great. Let me see. I'm trying to learn to meditate. You know how that is where you notice the coolness in your nostrils,

and then it comes out, and it's hot. The air is hotter. Is anybody doing this? Anyways, it's insane how time passes so slowly. Are you doing well? Because I have tried to, and I just feel like I never feel like I'm getting any kind of spiritual, emotional, physical benefit. I just feel like, well, I sat there quiet for a while. Yeah. physical benefit. I just feel like, well, I sat there quiet for a while, you know, and I, I could

have, I could have been in front of the TV or looking at my phone or doing a crossword, you know, like, I don't, I, it's never grabbed me. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. And I don't, yeah, I, I'm only doing it. Uh, my hubby's doing it and it has changed it has changed his behavior. He's been like, he gets super anxious about stuff. And so he started meditating twice a day for 20 minutes. And man, it has really, wow. Oh, really? Yeah. So I'm like, oh, man, maybe I could get in on this.

Can I horn in? Yeah, yeah. On this. Give me some of that. Give me some of that. You got plenty. You got plenty. That peace of that. Give me some of that. You've got plenty. You've got plenty. That peace of mind.

Now, is there a methodology involved? Or is it just kind of like watch your breathing and be now? I'm doing an app, 10% Happier, with Dan Harris, the guy who had a panic attack on live television. I don't know about this fellow. He's a Good Morning America, I believe, and he was taking cocaine at the time. So that's going to keep you high and tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Panic attack on cocaine?

What? But he started meditating as a result of that. And so now he does this whole 10% Happier app. And it's lovely because it's always a different meditation. And that helps keep me interested. So you listen to it and then it just sort of, you know. Yeah. I think it is. I think it helps. If it doesn't, what have I lost, really? Right, right. Exactly. I mean, come on. The planet's on fire. What the fuck? Who cares? Now, is that the one your husband uses, too?

No. He is doing Transcendental Meditation TM, which you go there, you bring him three pieces of fruit, and it's- What? Yeah. Do you know this? No. A lot of people, okay. Three pieces of fruit?

Can it be any kind of fruit? It can be any kind of fruit. I would fuck with him and bring a tomato. It's a fruit. Well, it's interesting. They only took the pear and the banana. They refused the apple that he brought. And I thought that's, you know, because apples, I guess, are ubiquitous.

You're not as interested in apple. Anyways. Wait. Yeah. Why bring them fruit? It's the most fearless. Is it just a scam? Do they have a street side fruit salad business?

I don't totally understand it, but I think what's happening is it's something so you feel like you're doing something important. You know, that if you go out of your way to do something, then you'll go, oh, I really made an effort. I brought that fruit. Remember how I brought that fruit? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not something that you're just paying for. I see. Throwing money at your you brought fruit. Right. Come on. I'm into this now.

This is embarrassing. I'm invested. He just brings fruit the first time? No, just first time. And then you learn how to do it. I guess you get your mantra and then they say how it's not religious, which I think was why he was on board with it. Neither of us are. We're both atheists. Yeah. And so, but there is science that says that meditation is helpful. Yeah, I know.

So I'm down for science. And we all know that, have we all realized that the arts aren't going to do anything to change anything in society? Is everybody on the same page with that? Anyways, I think we need to start multitasking. You obviously haven't seen Joker. Because it's important. It made me aware that we live in a society. No, I've got to start doing stuff.

You know, just besides doing comedy, I'm going to start cleaning glasses, making, you know, just business calls. I'll be on hold with AT&T with you throughout my show. Yes. So let's get other things done. I know. Laughs aren't enough. I honestly, and especially too, like as I get older, I just feel like there are times when I do feel like, yeah, I guess I could write a pilot. But look, check the TV.

There's a million fucking shows. That'd be like I'm going to make a sandwich. Yeah, there's a million say like it's kind of like i so i sometimes i do feel like yeah i might as well just make a sandwich or or make a meal for people or you know or build a chair or something i mean it's in terms of like what it does for me and what it does for the world i do do feel like, yeah, a nice chair that people can sit in is probably as valuable as, like, me doing a sitcom where I'm, like, an angry weatherman, you know, or whatever, you know.

I mean, I do think, yeah, it is. I mean, that isn't, you know, the arts are fun, and I guess they do sort of, they're valuable in a way that they make life more livable. Yeah. No, I love – I mean, I love show business. Yeah. And I love creative stuff. I mean, I do – I think it does make life worth living.

And also, it can't – I mean, it can change things, like in terms of people have – when you see – well, I think with the inclusivity of the entertainment now, when you can see your own experience on – that is super empowering. Yes, yes. Absolutely. Like, you know, I mean it was more sort of like a personal thing. But like Ellen DeGeneres in her show coming out and coming out in life hugely hugely important thing you know and the kind of representation that trans people are getting now in entertainment you know that's just becoming more and more hugely important you know I mean it's easy for me to sit here as a big dumb white guy. He's like, art don't matter.

Big deal. You know? I don't care. I run things. Well, you're more of a cream. You're not a white. That's true. That's true.

No, but yeah, and I think that is my, but I always have to feel bad about something. I don't know if this is a Midwestern thing. Yeah, yeah. But I've got to feel, you know, be doing something more than, clean up. Clean up, you know, if I can swab the decks of the stage I'm on or, you know, do something else while, yeah. And also not get too big for your britches. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. No, no. Oh, no.

No. Yeah, I'm trying to. I had to ask. I got an article in the New York Times, and my mom, anyways, I had to ask her, Mom, can you say, just repeat after me, I am proud of you. Oh, well, honey, I didn't think you'd need that. Okay, well, I am proud of you. Is that good? Do I say it louder?

Do I have to mean it? No, I thought it was good. Did you know that your sister? What is she doing now? Oh, she is funny. Oh, she's funny. And she is. All right.

Well, let's, I mean, you know, the first question that we ask here is where do you come from? You know, this is a three question. So you're talking about your folks. You were, your dad was in the Navy, right? Yes. He was in the Navy for, I think two or three years during the Vietnam situation, but he actually was in a submarine off the coast of Wales. So really a lot of PTSD there. Because the Viet Cong at any moment were about to strike. But he still keeps his lips zipped. I'll be like, what happened, Dad, on the submarine? Well, I was going to tell you, there's a lot of STDs.

All the guys would get off the ship. Yeah, chasing that Welsh tail. That filthy Welsh tail. Now, he was a doctor, right? Yeah. He's a doctor. He's a dermatologist. And now he's.

A dermatologist on a submarine. Oh, ridiculous. Yeah. No. So he wasn't a dermatologist at the time. I think he was still in the midst of training. But, yeah, so I was born in Port Hueneme near Los Angeles. And then they moved to Florida, then moved to Duluth, where I grew up from the age of three until 19 or something.

And, yeah, so I'm grateful that there was not a lot of pressure for greatness in growing up. You know, it was like, well, that's pretty good. Do you want to do this other thing too? You can play the violin poorly, but have you ever thought of running track? Not very well? No, everyone gets to participate, which is so good. Like, I'm grateful that I had that. There wasn't some sort of, I think,

and my dad still will do that. He just joined a choir. Yeah, I can't sing. So they put me in. This guy who they said was pretty good, this guy doesn't know the words. So we're just opening our mouths, you know, every once in a while to make it look good

anyways if you want to see us in concert you gotta buy a ticket better get online to sell out which sometimes I don't know if it's just getting older or if it is the internet but just like the feeling of like in order to participate you have participate, you have to be great.

Yeah. Or you have to want to be good at something. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, can I, you know, still not be so good at cooking, you know? And people will still come over. Yeah. Like, I had a friend who was, like, I'd have people over and order pizza. And she's like, Maria, the pizza you order, it's, I mean, there's better pizza in Los Angeles.

And I was like, yeah, well, why don't you fucking order it? Yeah, yeah. Have me over to your place. You're from Wisconsin, jackass. Like, how dare you? So it's Jackie Cation. It certainly is. Certainly is.

I knew it. Fucking Cation. Fucking highbr Jackie Cation. It certainly is. Certainly is. I knew it. Fucking Cation. Fucking highbrow Cation. And that I think is, and I think I see that because I've become that too. Like it used to be where I was growing up, you know, you'd just be like, you'd only be disappointed if there was less cheese on something. Right, exactly. Oh my God, it's crazy now how, like, to go back to Chicago and I just can't eat anything. It's like, and I mean, you know, like, I'm not exactly like a paragon of health, you know.

I'm certainly not a fitness model. But it's still, I go back there and it's like, take it easy, Chicago. Like, it's all these fucking Fred Flintstone meals. And it really is true. Like, the arguments about pizza now. Chicago pizza is obscene. It's obscene. It's just like, like, it's really, it's like if you went to the store and got a block of Tillamook and then just ate it like a fucking candy bar.

Have you tried it with the crust stuffed with human flesh? Oh, God. Oh, you really got to try that. Oh, boy, it's great. Yeah, have you tried the hair topping? Oh, it's amazing. No, this is, well, I do like that, that, you know, that food doesn't always have to be, I remember I went on a, like a, some goofy spirituality retreat back when I believed

in something in Minnesota and they had Otis Spunkmeyer muffins wrapped individually as you get at the gas station. And everyone was just delighted and grateful at this. You know, where it's like, you know, just the standards of bigger LA and New York is just like you start getting these highfalutin ideas of what food should be. I know, yeah, but that I got to disagree. Oh, those are terrible.

Well, first of all, what a terrible name, Spunkmeyer. They have 800 calories apiece. That means you're going to make it through the winter. I know. But it's like Spunkmeyer might as well be called Gizstein. And those are terrible. And, you know, I do have like a little bit of quality control. Yeah. I mean, it's like, yeah. I mean, come on. They're not going to eat garbage.

Now, are your folks Midwestern? Yes. Are they from Minnesota? Well, my mom is from Marquette, Michigan. And so you're from Grand Rapids, right? I was born in Grand Rapids, but I grew up in Illinois. Illinois. Yeah. We left Grand Rapids, right? I was born in Grand Rapids, but I grew up in Illinois. Yeah. We left Grand – my dad was – it was his first teaching – he was a college professor. He's retired now. But his first position was at Grand Valley State in Grand Rapids, and I was born there.

But we were gone when I was like 18 months. And then we moved to Bloomington where he taught at IU, Bloomington, Indiana. I love Bloomington. Yeah. And there's a nice comedy club there now, too. Oh, God, yes. And, no, it's a beautiful town. It's really.

That was kind of. And then when my folks divorced when I was four, we moved back to my grandparents' house in Illinois. So I grew up in Illinois, about 70 miles west of Chicago. Oh, okay. So similar. But honestly, they're all the same. If you grow up in Wisconsin, if you grow up in Minnesota, it's all, if you grow up in a fairly rural kind of, you know, or suburban rural, it's pretty similar. It's pretty similar.

Although the internet has made things like, you know, where things weren't accessible to me as a kid. Now, you know, there's just much more access to things like you can, I don't know. I think things have changed with the internet. Oh, yeah. But have you ever thought of moving back to Illinois? This is my personal. I sometimes do. I sometimes do.

There are barriers that I don't want to talk about. No, of course. When we're finished, I'll tell you basically why, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But the idea of living back in Chicago, if my career were self-sustaining where I could live there, I would love to. I would love to. And you don't feel like your career is self-sustaining? No, and I mean, not in terms of like, I couldn't live in Chicago and make the living that I do now. Right, right.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, and so what that means, I just mean, like, I mean, the Conan show won't go on forever. And I don't think I can retire when, I mean, it depends. He needs a lot. So he may be on until like he actually literally dies. Well, and you become a caregiver, which is many people are in that position. That could be it. That could be.

I would wheel him out. I would announce his name and then wheel him out. Oh, you got to flip and turn and powder him. Exactly. Powder and flip and turn. And then as he's doing the monologue, I will come over and just discreetly wipe the drool off his chin. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Pat, pat, pat with a wet washcloth. He'll do this string dance and then you'll hear a hip crack. Oh, shit. He broke his hip again that is so interesting because i have total fantasies of moving but my husband and i we've tried to live our fantasy we we uh rented an airbnb in my hometown of duluth minnesota and thought okay let's see what would it be like how long two weeks oh wow but but, two weeks is. See what it's like? Yeah, yeah. And yeah, I got so depressed. And I don't know if it's. I think, yeah.

Just nostalgia. Childhood memories. I just, yeah, I had a terrible depression when I was a kid. So I just, I don't have the best. I'm also not very good in a small environment. Yeah. Where people, they, I love show business. I love sort of the – even if it's false, even if it's false, the charm and pleasantness of people, thank you.

Yes. Thank you, show business. Like, I love any – Phonies. Yeah, yeah. But kindness and smiles. Yeah, yeah. Kindness and smiles.

Yeah, yeah. Whereas, like, you get into a smaller town, people get to know and they're like, oh, well, I saw you. Well, I mean, I wish I could like you, but I just don't. So I'm not going to make a face when I see you. Hey, how are you? Whereas, L.A., everybody, you know, everybody kind of keeps it pumped up. Like, how are you? Hey, how's everything going?

You're fantastic. You're a genius. Anyways, I can't quite remember your name, but I'll see you in 10 years. But I am such a fan. Yeah. Of whatever it is. Whatever it is you're doing. Oh, boy.

Oh, God. Do I love what you do? Yeah. I wish I could. I know like a minute from now I won't remember any of this, but God, I wish I could. Are you my mother? There's something very comforting to me about that where I just, yeah, I think that is something about living in a smaller town where you can't avoid true intimacy. Mm-hmm. Where people see you on the regs and they're like, yeah, I'm not impressed.

Yeah. Yeah, I remember, you know, that John Cougar Mellencamp song, I was born in a small town. Yes, yes. And it was on in the car. I was in high school. It was like when that song was on the radio, new. And it gets to the part where he says something, and people in the small town let me be who I want to be or something like that.

And my mom was in the car, and she went, bullshit. That, yes, so true. No, they let you be who they want you to be, usually, yeah, for the most part. Yeah, a real disappointment. Oh, oh, wow. That's interesting. Well, look at you. You sure are dressed fun.

Yeah. So are you still doing that thing you do in L.A. that's so self-serving? Yeah, because your mother lives here, and she might need your help every once in a while. Yeah, sure. It turns like. Yeah, no, I mean, and when I say that, I don't mean total falseness of L.A., because I don't think it is falseness. I think that people are excited to live here and that there's this, you don't think it is falseness. I think that people are excited to live here and that there's this, you don't see human beings that often face to face. So there

is a genuine joy in seeing someone you recognize, even if you can't remember their name. Yes. I mean, you had a fairly complicated childhood with a lot of, you know. In my brain. Yeah. I've been gifted with the mental health issue of, yeah, I think I had a very lovely childhood from what I've seen in pictures. Yeah. Everything was very good. Yeah.

My parents loving. seen in pictures. Yeah. Everything was very good. Yeah. My parents loving. They did, you know, I had a Minnesota, northern Minnesota, very good school system. My parents, upper middle class.

If not, I think, I wonder if they were wealthy. I think they may have been. Yeah. My dad kept the thermostat at 50 degrees at all times. Right, right. Well, it's Minnesota. Wear a sweater. Yeah, right. Well, it's Minnesota. Wear a sweater. Yeah, yeah. So.

I bought you that sweater. You might as well wear it. Oh, you're shivering. Why don't you cuddle your sister? Ooh. All right. So, but I, yeah, I realize now, but I think for whatever reason, I started to get symptoms of OCD and sort of bipolar. At what age did you have this?

Nine or ten. Wow. I started being, well, I couldn't sleep at night and was fearful. I had the type of OCD where it's intrusive thoughts, if you've heard of that. It's not everybody's ever heard of it, so sometimes you get freaked out. Brooke Shields talks about it. She had postpartum depression. If it's Brooke Shields, it's okay, right? It's safe.

She wears jeans. But she was creating a life. Yeah. You were just, you know. I was just schlepping around as a nine-year-old. Yeah. But sometimes people get fears of harming someone they love. I had fears of harming my family.

And so I'd stay up all night. And it's kind of like just the thing of fear of being dirty, like people who wash themselves over and over again, except for your thoughts. So you have a weird thought like, oh, my God, the dog's butt looks sexy. And then you go, oh, my God, what did I do? Did I just, what does that mean about me? And then most people would just go, that's weird that I thought of that.

Right, right. That's gross. Right. But the dog's butt is pretty sexy. I mean, come on. Let's be honest. But, and then the compulsion comes with trying to get that thought to go away. I see.

And so you do whatever you can with that starting to isolate from other people to make the thought go away. And it's, yeah, it's just a different mental health issue. It's no different from psychosis or something else. But it isn't psychosis, but it can be along those lines of feeling like something, a thought is coming into your head that you can't control. And are you the only person in your family that has this kind of issue? As far as I know. Yeah. Though I would love it if someone would come forward.

My God. Right, right. It is interesting. I do feel like you talk to people for any amount of time, you know, even the most normal appearing person. And they'll be like, yeah, I just, I don't, I don't like ice. I can't tell you why. But I just, I don't, I don't like ice. I can't tell you why. But I just, I don't want to be anywhere near ice. Like, you'll be like, oh, can we, let's dive deep into that.

Yeah, yeah. People have stuff in their, in their heads that are, it's just taboo to talk about it. And, but then I eventually, when I was 35, I finally went to an OCD therapist. Wow. When you're nine and this stuff starts happening, do you talk to your parents about it? I told my parents everything. And my mom thought I was gay. She thought somehow that meant that I was gay, which I was like, right on.

And I was like, all right. So she told you at nine, ah, you're probably a lesbian. Yeah. Wow. Because I think it was just – it was so outside of her wheelhouse of whatever my thoughts were. So then they sent me to a Christian therapist who gave me some very disturbing material. Wow. If you've ever read the book, Hinds Feet in High Places, wow, what a bummer.

If you're already feeling bad, it's about this elf that has this seed in its heart that burns in his heart, and he has to go on this trip by himself through this mountain. It's awful. Anyways, I'd go to see her. weekend. That sounds like a hallucination. It was awful. Hind's feet? His feet in high places. H-E-I-N-Z? Hind's feet.

H-I-N-D-S. Hind's feet in high places. Anyways. Wow. So, anyways, she was a lovely person, former Catholic nun. Then she had married a priest and got out of it, but she was still in the Christian game. And she would let me sleep on her couch for an hour every day, every week. And that was therapeutic in itself. And I think therapeutic that my parents went for any sort of help at all.

Right, right. It's an easy paycheck for that nun. Well, I'm an advocate for shitty help. Like, get yourself whatever free shitty ass help you can get because even this crappy stuff can be helpful in that you get a few laughs. Yeah. Well, and I also think, like, even like the garbage TV therapy of, like, you know, the sort of, and it's very, you know, like Dr. Phil. It's exploitative and mostly it does, you know, the point of that kind of show does seem to be you get to feel superior and identify with the guy that's yelling at somebody for being a fuck up. At least, though, it is people talking in somewhat of a therapeutic manner. Yes. Something's in there.

In between his wife's ads for lingerie and kid nails. Right, right, right. It is people talking about psychological, interpersonal issues and seeking a solution. Yeah. Yeah. And being more open about, oh, this is a genuine issue. Yeah, and being more open about, oh, this is a genuine issue. But yeah, the part where, and that's when, yeah, I have a problem with it where it's like trying to find people help while being televised. Like that seems to be the only way we have social services anymore. It's like, you know, and Jackie Haitian, my dear friend, has a wonderful joke.

Hey, why don't we not film it? Why don't we just burn that house down filled with old transistor radios and give them a new place and start from scratch? Right, right. Like, let's not. But if that's a way to find help and keep people out of isolation, it's better than nothing on some level. Yeah. Yeah, but it would be better if we had actual help. Yeah, yeah.

So is that the only therapy you had then as a kid was just that? Yes, yeah. And there was no medication or anything really at that time? No medication. I didn't get on meds until I was around 20. I went through an outpatient treatment program for eating disorder. What? A white woman?

Yes. Yes. It's so crazy how it happened. Wow. I don't understand this. It's so simple to eat. There's food. You put it in your mouth.

You eat it. What's the big deal? Have you ever thought about self-control? Hey, you know what? Maybe just don't. Maybe. If I stop eating sugar and white flour, will I ever be able to stop talking about it? So it was like a medication for –

Yeah, medication for depression. And then I think about 15 years into being on SSRI, around 40, I started to have some sort of major meltdown. And then I got on mood stabilizers, which I remain on to this day, eight years later, which has been life-changing. Like, I definitely do not experience a lot of the symptoms that I had before. That was sort of an ongoing thing. What a relief it is. Yeah. I mean, because I've had depression, and I've had, you know, been on medication for probably 25 years,

and, you know, with varying medications because they stop being effective. And I've had issues with depression my entire life. And in my 20s being and living in Chicago, having no money, doing improv and was just, you know, like you said, free stuff. In the classified ads, there was a – they were doing a test at the University of Illinois in Chicago. Just, you know, are you depressed? Come in and, you know, you can be part of a test group. And what it was was they – basically it was a – I think it was called Buspar. It was an anxiety drug. Holy crap.

Buspar, yeah. Yeah, but it was like higher doses to it was called Buspar. It was an anxiety drug. Holy crap. Buspar. Yeah. Yeah. But it was like higher doses to see if it would help depression. Okay. And, and I mean, my first experience with it, like when I first started, it was like, it was like having lived in the dark and somebody flipped a light switch, you know, and then it sort of, you know, the, the, the effect of that sort of stabilizes. But at first it was like, oh, my God, you know. But I remember then friends of mine asking me, and then after that, then I, because that just ended.

Like there's like a certain amount of time. And they're like, well, and I'm like, yeah, it works great. And they're like, okay, well, you're done. And then I'm just out on the street feeling miserable again. And in withdrawal, too. Yeah, yeah. So I ended up going to a sliding scale therapist who, you know, actually the first thing she said was like, you know, I talked to you for five minutes and I realize you're clinically depressed. minutes and I realize you're clinically depressed and that that was, you know, them putting you on a experimental program was malpractice. Like they should never, they should have just been like,

no, no, you're, you need real help, not practice help, not there, you know, like theory, in theory help or, you know, experimental help. So I started down on, I don't even remember, maybe Zoloft or something. And I remember at the time friends of mine saying like, well, are you going to have to be on it forever? And just feeling like, fuck you. Yeah, yeah. Like, that's like, you know, if you're diabetic, nobody's like, no, you're going to have to shoot insulin all the time like forever it bums us all out yeah yeah you know yeah you when we have our sugar parties and you can't partake um so yeah so i've been on medication for a long long time and but it is like like yeah you gotta you know it it

it's it's a fact of your life you know and it can it can be, and it's such, I can't even imagine, you know, like, because there have been times like when it stops working or I change and I, or go away for the weekend and somehow I don't do this anymore, but like forget your medication. Right. and go away for three or four days on a trip or something. And then you're like, oh, yeah. I mean, there's the withdrawal too, but then it's like, oh, yeah, I can't do this. I can't function without this stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Have you had side effects and experiences where it made it difficult to work? Because that's the thing that I found really embarrassing is to go into work and go, guess what?

I got a tremor now. Oh, no. That's embarrassing, or my mouth is dry, or anything like that where it's affected that work experiences or not? No, I mean, no, not really. Not work, not work experiences. I did have to be, I'm going to be so fucking frank here. I was on, and this was years ago. I was on, I don't even, like I say, I don't even remember which ones because I just have terrible memory about specifics of things.

But I was on one medication for years and it worked and everything. But I became a, all of a sudden, became a terrible premature ejaculator. And I just was like, oh, I guess my dick's broke. You know, like I just was like, oh, well, this is a, you know, and, you know, my wife at the time was not thrilled with it, you know. And I was like, you know, like looking up articles about premature ejaculation and stuff. And then at my shrink once, he was like, well, you know, it might be your medication. And then he like altered a little bit. And, you know, and I was back to being the fucking stud that I always was.

Oh, God. It was just. Hammer, anvil, hammer, anvil. Yeah. But I, you know, but it was just crazy to me that, and especially that it was like literally years of being on this medication

and then all of a sudden, this little fun wrinkle gets thrown into the mix, you know? Yeah. Wow. Thanks medicine. Thanks science. Thanks body. So how is high school when you're going through all this? High school, you know, again, my parents were great.

And so I think I had moments of, oh, look at this little baby dog. My dog's here. She's here. Daisy's here. Daisy's here. She's a beautiful girl. Thank you. I think in high school, I had moments of, because I was bipolar, I would kind of go through great efforts of, or just a, yeah, hypomania of sort of like, I'm going to run for office.

I'm going to be in the cheerleader. I'm going to do this. And then. Yeah. And so, and my dad, he helped me. I did a Dale Carnegie training course, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Right, right. 18-week course with a bunch of businessmen.

18 weeks. Yeah. Wow. In the basement of a library in Duluth, Minnesota. Right, right. A library shaped like an arbol. Well, let me just say, you are influencing me like crazy. What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? We're friends now. Oh, that's nice. You won me. Oh, that's so nice. That helped me because I wasn't very good at communicating with other people. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Or was very afraid. And so it gave me this whole format, much like stand-up. Like, I love stand-up. It's a format. You get up, you point your eyeballs to the back or maybe in somebody's face if you're not too scared. And yeah, there's a way to do it. And so that really helped me enormously. And, yeah, I actually read that you got the prom queen, I think, as a result of D.L. Carnegie.

Wow. Just getting people to say yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. And saying their names over and over again. Andy, if I may say Andy. And, I mean, I think we all, I mean, don't you want to be happy? I mean, you want to be happy, right? I sure do.

Yes. I sure do. Well, why wouldn't you want to? Anyways, it helped me just connect with people better. And so I think I'm very grateful that my parents were. Trying. Trying. Yeah.

Trying. Yeah, yeah. And, yeah, because there wasn't medication at that time. And yeah, but high school is okay. It was ups and downs. Were you funny? Apparently not. According to, I just got a Facebook message

from somebody from high school who said, literally, I thought your sister was funnier. And I'm like, now? Now? who said, literally, I thought your sister was funnier. And I'm like, now? Now? I've been holding this in for a long time, but it's time. Guess what? Yeah.

I'm going to lay down. Get ready for the bam, Bamford. But, yeah, so I think I was maybe quieter than my sister. But I like to think I was funny. Yeah? But I did love like to think I was funny. Yeah. But I did love getting speeches. I loved speeches. I loved, yeah, being a benevolent figurehead of a high school group. I loved doing that.

But then, you know, the actual efforts of the job where you had to plan prom and cut out cardboard teardrops because we're going to do Prince's Purple Rain. We did Purple Rain, so we have purple teardrops. You got to glue stick those. And then that actual work was less interesting to me. Let's just stop and notice that the song is Purple Rain, but you think of them as teardrops. I want you to, you know what next session, let's talk about it.

I do. I have a good therapist now, but my psychiatrist, I love her. She's, but she is just close. She's close and she takes insurance. So that is why I love her. Well, the person that gives you the drugs is not as important as the person that you spill your guts to. But I've gone to like a more expensive psychiatrist who was unbelievable. Like he was more of a psychopharmacologist and he was like, so how is this affecting you in the day to day?

And would like really listen, whereas my current psychiatrist would be like, seeing you in the day-to-day and would like really listen, whereas my current psychiatrist would be like, so we'll talk about how our kids came over to play beer pong. I'd be like, what's going on in your home? Anyways, just write the script. I've had therapy sessions where in LA where I've just, we've just made calls to the insurance company just because I can't do it by myself. Wow. And so.

Well, then if it's your choice, yeah, then that's good. Yeah, no, I can't tell you. It's my choice, yeah, but it is funny. Like, oh, my God, that this is the thing I'm doing with therapy is how to pay for therapy. But I don't know if you find this in LA. There's also the sort of dream help. Like people talk about like, you know who you've got to see? Okay.

He's in Ojai and it's only from 2 to 4 a.m. It's a remote helicopter pad. Maybe see if he can see you. He takes $20,000 as a down payment. Like just insane types of help where you're like, yeah, I'm never going to do that. And they're like, oh, I guess you don't really want to have healing. Yeah, yeah. No, I've never had that with – although I do have – I did change psychiatrists a couple of years ago because I had this psychiatrist who was kind of this groovy, hippie, you know, like older guy that, you know, like leather jacket.

You know, probably, you know, close to 70, but leather jacket. You know, and like, you know, his office is just kind of like a, you know, like a bachelor hangout kind of place. Harley memorabilia. Yeah. And it was kind of like, here you go. Here's your prescription. And then when my medication just stopped working, the one that I was on, and I just said, I need to find a new shrink. And so I asked for recommendations, and i found this new guy and i went in and like it's like

you said this it was just the first thing he did was made me sit down and take like a uh or he sent it to me and it was like a multi-page like inventory you know And so it's like hard data. It's scientific. And he's just very specific and very involved. And it was just like a night and day kind of thing. It was a huge, huge difference. Yeah, and I think that is a huge part of being, of any sort of health care is really being there

and taking time and listening to someone, which my dad said as a dermatologist, that was half of his job was listening. Listening, sure. Like that people, you know, they've got the rash, but the reason the rash is so bad is because they're stressed because of something else. Right. bad is because they're stressed because of something else and they're, yeah, that people need to be heard and, yeah, that that's such an important part of healthcare. Do you ever think of going back to school and trying to learn a different skill?

You know what? Sometimes I actually do think, I mean, I don't know, I can't imagine ever doing it, but I do think about becoming a therapist. Right, right. You know, I do think about, I do think that like, that that would be, especially, I mean, it's been my secondary activity. Yeah. and getting better and the notion of some kind of progress emotionally and psychologically. It's of interest to me. I mean, it's what this fucking podcast. Right, right, right.

This whole three questions thing is bullshit. I just wanted to trick people into having a therapy session. I love being tricked. Welcome to it. Welcome to it. The review. I love being tricked. Welcome to it. Welcome to it. The review. That's a breakthrough right there.

No, but I do think about that. Do you? Is there something that you think? Oh, yes. No, I constantly am looking for something else. I looked into library science. I worked at the public library for a while, volunteering just to see what I would like. Turns out it's a combination of information services as well as customer service. Two things that I'm not very good at.

You just like quiet rooms. I love quiet rooms and I love to read. Does anyone want to read with me? No, it is mostly social services. Well, now, why do you think you do that? Are you unhappy being a stand-up or is it just kind of a malcontent vapor? It's also like a feeling like a freedom, like to go, okay, I'm choosing to do this. like a feeling like a freedom like to go okay i'm choosing to do this yeah i'm not uh because i i never want to be like a victim of the dream like you know when sometimes people say all i can

do is act you know that's that's all i can do yeah you could do something else right right do you have hands right uh lots of actors have real estate licenses. Yeah, there's a billion other things to do. And I know a little bit of QuickBooks. I could probably confuse your bookkeeper. There's plenty of things I could do. So just to know that I'm choosing it rather than I'm some sort of like. that I'm choosing it rather than I'm some sort of like – and also I am curious like what other things are like. At one point, this is many years ago, but I did, when I say audition for the LAPD,

that sounds wrong, but you can. They have open auditions. And I went in. Did you dress up? Did you rent a cop costume? Yeah, I did rent a cop costume. They have open auditions. And I went in. Did you dress up? Did you rent a cop costume? Yeah, I did rent one. Yeah, that would be great. And do you still have it in the trunk of your car just in case?

Just in case for a commercial, quick commercial. Stopping. I made it through the first two tests. You met with them, I think. How long ago was this? This was probably 15 years ago. I just thought, because they have three days on, three days off, and then you

go through the academy and they pay for training and stuff. And I was like, oh, this might be better than temping. And it might be interesting. I could be talking to people and occasionally dodging bullets. I forgot about that part. And you get to have a gun.

A gun. And a gun. A gun. And a badge. A gun that apparently someone thinks I know what to do with. But then they had the third interview, which is when they do an FBI background check and do mental health records. Yeah. And I thought, you know, now I look back and I go, oh, my God, I would have passed for flying colors. Like, it seems like they take anybody. Right.

But, yeah, I like to look into different stuff. I'm trying to think what other, I think I did look into teaching for LAUSD and assistant taught in different grade levels. And kids at any age are like a mad, drunk crowd. Yeah. But for eight hours a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're constantly heckling you with the truth.

Yes. Well, your voice is stupid. Why do you talk like a baby? I know. You think I know? I don't know how. I don't know why. My sister has the same voice.

Do your work. Is this just a restlessness, you think? Yeah, yeah. I like to look into other stuff. Because I think there is a lot of pressure in my head to, I don't know, show business. I don't know if you feel that way of like to do better than you've done before somehow.

It's never enough. Never enough. And I get tired. Also, there's just times where I'm like tired of being looked at, tired of being judged, tired of like just tired and tired of kind of just like there is something that is really beautiful about making people laugh for a living. Yes. Like you are literally making people happy.

Yes. You are eliciting the basic sort of indicator of happiness. Yes. And there's something really beautiful about that. But you can also become completely weighed down by the bullshit, by the phoniness, by the emptiness, by the just kind of crassness of it sometimes, you know? Yeah, and it doesn't – I mean, I think every job has this – because I've worked in customer service, too, where it's like, you know, it's a constant barrage of people not being pleasant to you.

Yeah, yeah. Everybody's mad. Everybody's mad. And it's not – it isn't personal, but it feels so personal. Like, I – but, yeah, when you are individual doing your own thing, it does feel personal. when you are individual doing your own thing, it does feel personal. Like Maria Bamford, you're, you know, idiot, fucking bitch, get the fuck off. You know, you should stop. When it's written out like that, I go, oh, oh, wow.

Like it's not just like I'm working for Sbarro, the Italian eatery, serving hot slices and someone says, hey, I'm going to talk to your manager. Like, he doesn't know my name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, talk to my manager. Right, right. He'll be in at 5. Right.

Like, enjoy your hot slice. Yeah. It's just been heated up after sitting for five hours. Now, in high school, do you have a career track that you're thinking of? No, I was terrified. Really? Just absolutely terrified. I had a terrible eating disorder that I had started to develop and was just ultimately horrified.

I went to early admission to a school that I look back now and I go, God, I apologize to my parents. Like, man, I should have just gone to a state school and not wasted their money. What school was it? It was Bates College in Maine. Oh, sure. They're pleasant enough. I've heard of it, yeah. Tiny, tiny little private liberal arts.

But very expensive and no need, no need. And I, yeah, I made it through a couple years there. And then I went for a junior year abroad to Edinburgh. Oh, nice. Yes. And I actually ended up getting in 12-step programs at the end of my sophomore year to get help for the bulimia, which I love. And Los Angeles is the capital of 12-step programs worldwide.

It's my favorite. It's my favorite. It's my favorite. And I know I'm supposed to be anonymous about it, but you guys, because there's all this, I don't know, I feel like that's the most cult-like thing of all the 12-step thing is like, you can't say you're in it because what if, I don't know, people say Maria Bamford's in Clutterer's Anonymous, but I saw her driving around in a car full of lizards.

And it's clear she's still in the disease. She's still doing it. And it's like, well, anyway, so I've found a lot of help from those, even though I'm an atheist. But it's free, and they can't stop you from going. That's the other rule of 12-step. They cannot kick you out. Oh, my favorite. Even if you're drunk and high and, like, sitting there with a big birthday cake in your lap.

No, but you get to go. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so good. My favorite. It comforts me that people are saying exactly what's going on in their lives rather than, yeah, I've gone to, I've gone, I'm in all, I've tried all the groups. But my main one that I really enjoy is the money-related one, Debtors Anonymous. Oh, love it so much. Because it's one place where people.

How many different ones do you go to? I mean, I know I'm not supposed to ask. No, I have gone to SLA, Sex and the Love Addicts Anonymous, because I had this practice of. different ones do you go to i mean i know i'm not supposed to ask no i mean oh god no i've uh i have uh gone to sla sex and love addicts and i was because i had this practice of having one night stands on the road that became uh problematic um not for them no probably it turns out uh turns out on the road i was a bit of a predator i would i didn't realize this like you know like that's one thing when you go for help, it's like, oh, like someone will go, yeah, you were like, my pattern was to kind of like

say I'm single on stage and then like, anybody, anybody interested? You know what I mean? I, yeah, I don't know if that was subconscious, but it definitely became clear that that was what I was doing. And yeah, and then I've gone to Al-Anon. And Al-Anon is for friends and family of people with alcoholism. And there's lots of drug and alcoholism in my family. And also I find it really helps for me to detach from show business. Yeah. Like, because show business is like a drunk, you know, showing up.

I love you. Yeah, yeah. Why can't you do it for me this once, please? And then who are you? Get up, you know, like just so it's so hot and cold. And it's not, it isn't personal. So that that's helped me to kind of, yeah, remain more of an evil, even keel. But also it's extremely structured, the communication in 12-step groups where it's like everyone gets three minutes and there's a timer that goes off. Ugh.

Just like an open mic. Thank you. Thank you. I'll close it. I'm going to wrap it up in 30 seconds. Wrap it up in 30 seconds. Well, at what point do you start to think, like, I'm going to be funny for a living? I'd like the experience of getting laughs.

I did get laughs when I did speeches when I was a kid, like, I think starting in, like, third or fourth grade. And I think I played the violin at the age of three. And my mom said, I played from three to probably 22. My mom said that as soon as I got on stage when I was three, like I just lit up. Like I was a very shy kid. And I think that's the feeling that I've always had, you know, just like feeling like, oh, this feels great. And I didn't so the feeling that I've always had, you know, just like feeling like, oh, this feels great. Right, right.

And I didn't so much like playing the violin, but I like being on stage. So I think, yeah, like making people laugh. And, yeah, I thought that was something that I was better at than other things. Yeah. But stand-up wasn't a possibility. It didn't come to mind until I was in college and there was an open mic night and I did what I thought was stand-up comedy. I mean, that's, I think, the important thing is whatever you do, just call it stand-up comedy. Did you prepare a long time for it?

Yes, I'm prepared. And that's a difficult thing for me as I get older is I don't want to prepare anymore. Yeah. I just want to show up. Me too, yeah. And just coast. And it's like, no, dude. Like, that's the worst thing when somebody goes up. I mean, I don't care how famous you are and go, hey, what am I going to talk about tonight?

Fuck you. What else? What you. What else? What else? What else? No, rehearse it. You know, have something planned. So that has been my real struggle is trying to get myself to do the work that I said I enjoy doing. Yeah. And some of the ways I've helped myself do that is I get a witness where I'll meet a fan for coffee and go through my material for them for an hour off Twitter.

And I'll buy them coffee and a meal. What a fun surprise. That's like winning a sweepstakes. It's perfect because Twitter, then it's like it's a surprise for them. It's a surprise for me for sure. I don't know who it is. And then I get to say what time it is and where. Yeah.

So I see the zip code and what time and then just meet them. And it's, yeah, it's lovely. Yeah, yeah. So much of what you talk about is like asserting control over things. It really is. It really is. And it's like. My husband would appreciate that. Yeah, yeah. So much of what you talk about is like asserting control over things. It really is. It really is. And it's like – My husband would appreciate that.

Yeah, yeah. And it's – well, and it is like, you know, you're talking about something that I had – that I – in doing this podcast with funny people or with performers is such a common thing. And it's something I feel myself. I'm shy, but I, you know, get on stage and make an ass of myself. You know, and I think there is that notion of that, like, being looked at, being listened to is uncomfortable. in a room where all the lights are pointing at you and the deal is everyone shuts up and listens to you, that you're in control of this thing that is, like, daunting, that is kind of terrifying, you know?

Yeah, but it can feel so good. I mean, I've had shows where I've bombed, obviously. Yeah. Oh, obviously. Oh, come on. We've all read about it on the Twitter. No, I don't know. Yeah, I've definitely had experiences either where I haven't shown up as a –

oh, this is heartbreaking. But two years ago, I think I kind of phoned it in at a show. I kind of like went – I didn't rehearse, and I kind of went back and forth in between two different sets. And anyways, and I didn't use notes on stage, but it was like, anyways, and some fans complained and I was like, oh, yeah, come on, Bamford. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Some of my friends were like, you know, I saw, people always use musical references, I saw The Stones in 1976 and they just hummed most of their classics.

You're in process, man. Don't be so hard on yourself. Yeah, yeah. But I think, yeah, people have paid to say something and so I'd like to do the best job I can. Yeah. When do you start to think you can do it for a living? I had this friend of mine who was a recovering person. He was kind of a tough, old Irish guy who grew up in the Bronx.

And he was a fellow comic. And he said, why don't you read the artist's way? You should read the artist's way. And I did the whole book. Like, I got it from the library, and I did the whole book. And it seriously, like, changed my whole perspective. Like, I was like, I just started saying I am a comedian. And there is something very powerful to that.

And that's, I think, when I believed it within myself, even if it was just a vision, that's what I, yeah. And I'm not so much into the secret. I think there are greater socioeconomic forces at work. Yeah, yeah. Besides my brain. I'm living in a Mercedes cloud filled with Snickers bars on the moon. And I have a home in Berlin. But, yeah, I think there is something.

When I started saying it to myself that that's what I did, then it became more possible. But nobody told me. Nobody said, nobody, yeah, nobody told me. Nobody said, oh God, you got to get into this kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there was no, that's a really hard time. I can't watch the show, The Marvelous Miss Maisel, because I just go, there's never a sidekick alongside you, like telling you how great you are and traveling with you all the time.

Like, no. Right, right, all the time. Like, no. Right, right, right. No. Right, exactly. Oh. Though I wish that for everyone. Yeah. Maybe it is happening, and I just don't know about it.

Yeah, yeah. How long have you been married? Since, okay, I think it's been five years and then we've been together six years. And I had never had a relationship to the last girl for a year. His record was three years. And so six years. Yeah, yeah. We're very proud. Did you think that was not going to happen for you? Yeah, I just kind of thought, you know, being in the psych ward was the reason I felt more hope about getting married. Because I saw people in the psych ward who had their spouses come visit them. And I'm like, that guy's making bird calls?

And his wife's? Yeah. And she's nice. She's super nice. Like, what am I? Why am I so highfalutin? Not only about my standards for myself or the standards for a partner, like, no, I just want to be, I just want to be with somebody who's down for

the count. Like, just, are you down to work it out no matter what? You know, and, and, and also, if I wake up someday and I'm surprised by my spouse, like I'm like, what? You know, you've, I don't know, been somehow, I've been betrayed or something. It's like, well, that's exciting. That's what life's all about. It's like, wow, I did not know you at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So. did not know you at all yeah yeah yeah so um well also too when you find a you know when you find a person who is like you say down for it like like in it and ready and ready for the work and you know and open to that it's yeah that's sort of the deal that's like that's the point of it you know yeah and you hope i mean my and my, I think he had felt this too. He had had a very similar experience of like people going, I think his Achilles heel was something different than mine. But I'd had people reject, you know, say, hey, I can't deal with any sort of mental health issue. It really bothers me. I had somebody break up with me because of that or specific.

Yeah. They said that was one of the specific reasons. I was like, right on. Well, you knew what you were getting into. I mean, come on. It's all on YouTube. A bait and switch. There's someone telling you that and then there's the reality of that. Of going, oh, so it means you weep uncontrollably sometimes into a cracked mirror. Why does the mirror have to be cracked? And so he had his own experience, and I was totally okay with what he

was worried about. And he was, when I told him about my experience, he was like, oh yeah, my mama used to go to the psych ward. I know they don't let you have sharp stuff, so I'll come in. If you grow a beard, I'll come in and I'll shave your beard. And I'm like, that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard in my whole freaking life. You know, if somebody shaves your beard. Because that is really what happens in the psych ward. There's no reflective surfaces in a psych ward. So all of a sudden, yeah, you've got a little moustakis.

You don't know. You don't know. You don't know. And you're not feeling good. Right. Sure. You're crouched in a corner because there's energy in your legs. Does anybody know what I'm talking about, guys? Well, is there – I mean, you talked a little bit about – I mean, is there something – this is sort of the part about, you know, the second question of where are you going.

Is there something that you really – like that you're itching to do that you haven't done? Do you have some sort of like – are you the kind of person that has a plan that you're like, I need to – I mean, you had a show. Yes, yes. It was so fucking funny and unique. Happy, oh, thank you. Lo Yes, yes. It was so fucking funny and unique. Love that show. Thank you. It was so good. And I mean, do you want to do another thing like that?

Or is there just – I'd like to do something if I was more of like an ongoing guest star. And if there was some improvised part of it, I'd love to do that. And in a character. Oh, my God. Can I please just be a character? Do you get a lot of chances to audition for character roles? Actually, I don't audition anymore because I can't bear it.

I did it for 10 years. I got one audition. I booked one thing, and the one thing I booked was because I was in a bad mood, and they thought that was hilarious. Wow. And then I was like, if that's the whole way I'm going to, you know, through these weird magical circumstances of me being an asshole for two days. Mm-hmm.

Like, so I don't audition. So this is all, yeah, it's just vision board stuff at this point. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. My husband, my favorite new things that he does is that he reads directly off my vision board stuff that I, you know, like, babe, you know, these may seem like the little things, but in time we'll look back and realize they were the big things. Where did you get that? He's just reading straight off the board. Is he trolling you when he does that?

No, no, no, no. He's trying to say the right thing. Oh, I see. He's trying. You know, I know you're worried about... Oh, yeah, it's just darling. Bless his heart. I know you're worried about the show,

but you just get so good that they can't ignore you anymore. Where'd you read that? Then he just shouts out, you know, images. A table of multicultural people eating spaghetti. House by a lake. House by a lake. House by a lake. Rickshaw.

Oh, you know, I may never get to India, but what is the feeling I want to have in a rickshaw? What's the feeling? The feeling of being cared for by someone who's struggling and in pain. That's right. Just someone that is taking me somewhere and it's uncomfortable for them. Can I get a piggyback ride? piggyback ride. Yeah,

but yeah, we're both not very good at relationships, so we went all in. We went to a therapist three months in to try to learn how to handle conflict. I'm not very good at

at yeah, I just wasn't very good at it. Yeah, yeah. And especially intimate conflict where things can get really emotional. Like, he grew up in a situation where he has a bit, well, I don't know. I wouldn't even say anything about Charlotte. He gets irritated that I leave the keys to the front door in the front door. We live in Los Angeles.

There's a man who lives on our front lawn. Fair enough. All right. But I can't seem to remember to get the keys out of the front door. There's a sign. There's now a sign, a laminated sign that says, Maria, please remember the keys. Wow.

That would make me fucking crazy. No, I know. I know. It would make me crazy. I know. I know. I'm so sorry even to bring it up. That's all right. Okay. I didn't mean to trigger anything. I mean, I know. I know. It would make me crazy. I know. I know. I'm so sorry even to bring it up. That's all right.

Okay. I didn't mean to trigger anything. I mean, I'm not married to you, so, you know, whatever. Trigger. Trigger. Yeah. So, he felt bananas with that. So, it's like, and then some things that he's done, like, feeling I felt really triggered

about as well. So, like, how do we help each other work as a team? Like, okay, Maria, we did make the laminated signs. I'm getting better at it. I am getting better. I always thought, hey, why don't we just ask the guy who lives on our front lawn to remind me? Am I right?

He's probably just gotten out of prison. It's hard to get a job. Sure. If you're a felon. on our front lawn to remind me. Am I right? He's probably just gotten out of prison. It's hard to get a job. Sure. If you're a felon. And how many felons are here tonight? Okay. So it's that kind of stuff that brings up intense emotion.

And my first thing is just to, or has always been a relationship, to just cut and run. Just go, oh, you're pissed at me. Doesn't seem like this is going to work out. Right, right. It's been a good run. Fuck me. No, fuck you. Yeah, no, exactly.

Yeah. So – but I think it is – we don't know what we're doing. Yeah. Not many people do. Yeah. I don't – it doesn't seem like it. And I think we just – I'm hoping for the best. And yeah, we have a good couple therapist.

And it is nice to find, I've just never had friends who have been married either. So I've had to find friends who know what it's like to be married because I don't think I know what it's like. And I only have my parents who have been married for 50 years. My mom's just like, well, I just, you know, I mean, I just love your father. And then what I do is I take care of him. What? Boy, that sounds rewarding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sounds like you have a pet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like you have a pet. Yeah, yeah, I take care of him. I don't know. I have tried to learn to be more caring. Like he got very sick when we were first dating, and so he remembers this. I brought over just a can of soup. I just brought over a can of soup, and I put it on his bedside table, and he was like, what? It's like, it's a full can.

Yeah. Enjoy it. You can snuggle it. Microwave's over there. You'll feel better if you get up. Let me just get you a Bic lighter. You can hold it under there. Yeah.

I'm not super maternal. Yeah. Yeah. Whoops. Sorry. Well, I'm not super maternal. Yeah, yeah. Oh, whoops. Sorry. Well, I mean, it seems to be, you know, working. Yes. No, it is. We have a good time.

And he's a painter, and I do love his paintings. And he is, but he started doing stand-up a few years ago. Oh, my goodness. Because he had a fear of public speaking. And I was like, oh, my God, do stand-up. Nobody's watching. Nobody cares. And he's good. He's very good. He's very funny. Oh, that's great. Ridiculous. So we've been having a good time. Like, it has helped me remember how fun it is to go to open mics and stuff and have a good time. You know what I love about what just happened is that,

you know, the second question thing about, you know, like, where are you going? Usually people, and I mean, and I kind of think I end up talking about it because, you know, this is supposed to sort of be about a, you know, kind of a more sort of personal conversation, but a lot of times it's about work things. And you're one of the first people that just talked about a relation, like, where are you going? Like, what's your aspirations and where's your future? You're one of the, I don't know that anybody else has just said like, well, here's what's going on with my marriage. So, you know, so that's really a lovely thing. Oh yeah. Well, and he, he's really helped me create more meaning, I think, in my work,

really helped me create more meaning, I think, in my work because it has been so lonely kind of by myself. And so, yeah, he was a part of the show. He did parts of the sitcom that I did on Netflix, Lady Dynamite. And he did, we made a comic book together. It's the story of our love as told by our two dogs. Yeah. And so, yeah, there is that shared meaning. Yeah. That I really, I've never had. I've just never had that. And so that's pretty, it does seem exciting. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, what's the point of Maria Bamford? Oh, God. I mean, what do you, you know, whether it's advice or whether it's kind of like somebody, you know, if you were to kind of tell people, like, what, you know, what you've learned. I'm here to help. I could screw things up further for you, but I'd like to help out. If you ever see me, I'll clean out your purse. I might take a little bit of the money, but

I guess, yeah, I would like to be useful. and I think everybody wants to feel that way, to feel like you're needed in the world. And so I want audiences to know that I desperately need audiences. Oh, my God. They are the context that makes what I do not seem bizarre. Yeah. I might still do it. I might still do stand-up alone, but I'm grateful for audiences. Yeah, beyond.

Well, yeah, it's about my great aunt. I had a spinster great aunt who would, she would, and it was her signature kind of thing when she would give you like a card or something. Like one time, like she'd buy us – like, you know, like from the back of the Lillian Vernon catalog or something like, but like 20 pens with like, you know, a custom message printed on like pens that lasted four minutes. You know, they ran out of ink, but like she, there was one that said that she got us one year and I wish I still had one that said, Jesus loves you and so do I, Aunt Viola. And she used to sign things like a Christmas card or something. And she would sign others with an exclamation point. Others. Like others.

Like think about others. Like others, like think about others, like be, you know, be sort of like, you know, centered on others. And it's kind of like, you know, like, yeah, that's dangerous. Like, you know, like being super centered on others is, but it's also kind of like that notion is sort of like the root of all beauty in life is the connections that you make with other people. And that's like, you know, so to hear you say about, you know, to hear such lovely things about your marriage and how, it's just, it's really a lovely thing. And I think, you know, you know, you just have such a unique voice. And, you know. Oh, I wish you all could see the face she's making. Well, no, I appreciate being on the program because it does make me feel needed.

But, yeah, I think, I mean, I'm not a perfect person at all. I have been irritable on the phone with customer service people. Yeah, yeah, I think, I mean, I'm not a perfect person at all. I have been irritable on the phone with customer service people. Yeah, yeah. And not the best. But just try, yeah, just want to strive to be pleasant. You try real hard. I'm trying, I'm trying. And that's really, you know, that's beautiful.

Yeah, yeah. It really is. Yeah. And I do love the comedy community. Anyways, I could just go on and on. I'm sorry. I'm going down a hole. Am I in a hole?

No, you're not. You're on a podcast. Well, that's about it. We're about, we're about, thank you so much for coming out. Thank you so much. This is really a lovely conversation. Oh, thank you. And I'm always been such a fan of yours and I'm so happy that you came in to do it.

Thank you. Thank you for having me. And I love Daisy. She's a beautiful addition. My big old dog's wandering around. Oh, and I want to do, I do want old dog's wandering around. Oh, and I do want to plug something for you. Oh, please. Maria's new stand-up special,

Weakness is the Brand, will be available January 28th on Amazon Prime Video, Apple TV, Google Play, and Vimeo. Anywhere else? Oh. Yeah. On JetBlue flights. And her interview series, What's Your Ailment? is streaming now on Topic.

Maria Bamford, thank you so much. Thank you so much, Andy, for having me on the show. You are a wonderful, lovely person. And for the team of people who are here, let's recognize your greatness. It is. Thank you. Thank you. So it's important for me to have at least three people around at all times.

Wow. To sit and nod. Yes. Yes. And the clothed in the cloak of youth. Yes. Yes, precisely. All right, well, thank you all for listening,

and we will be back soon with more of The Three Questions. Bye-bye. The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco and Earwolf production. It's produced by me, Kevin Bartelt, executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair,

associate produced by Jen Samples and Galit Zahayek, and engineered by Will Becton. And if you haven't already, make sure to rate and review The Three Questions with Andy Richter on Apple Podcasts. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.