The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Nicole Byer

Episode Date: August 27, 2019

Comedian and actress Nicole Byer chats with Andy Richter about knowing your therapist too well, special details to include in your will, and the little details that separate good and truly great actors. Later, Nicole talks about her future goals and shares some wisdom on self-love.You can listen to Nicole's podcast BEST FRIENDS at h.earwolf.com/bestfriends. This episode is sponsored by NHTSA, Betterhelp (betterhelp.com/threequestions code: THREEQUESTIONS), Bombas (www.bombas.com/THREEQUESTIONS), and Leesa (www.leesa.com code: THREEQUESTIONS).

Hello, PodSphere. This is Andy Richter, and you are listening to The Three Questions with Andy Richter. I said it again because I like to hear my own name, especially when I'm saying it with my own voice. The show is called The Three Questions because the three questions are, and I'm telling my guest this right now because I don't think she has any idea why she's here. The three questions are, where do you come from? Where are you going? And what have you learned? I just like to talk about feelings. And this is a good entree into feelings, these questions. And I am lucky enough to be here today with the hilarious and talented and lovely and wonderful and angelic Nicole Byer. It's me. Hi.

How are you? I'm good. How are you? It's so good to talk to somebody funny because everybody that's been on the show is a bummer. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dang, dang, dang. Super dreary.

Oh, wow. Who are some of your guests let's shout them out well I don't know what order this is gonna go but no I'm kidding of course I know

Natasha Lyonne not funny Lauren Bouchard who created Bob's Burgers not funny Joel Kim Booster yuck I hate them

I know I know and Amy Sedaris oh yuck yawn no they've all been really it's all been really great I know, I know. And Amy Sedaris. Oh, yuck! Yawn. No, it's all been really great. And I'm sure there's been many more so that you people who are listening to this think that I've talked to lots more than that. Because not like I've only talked to a few people and done this a few times.

So, hello. Hello. How are you? I'm fantastic. Excellent. I told you before we started that guy Fieri, or Fieri, however you'd like to say it. Fieri. He's getting his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Yes. And I was not invited. Also, I don't even know if you can just go, but whatever. No, you can. Oh, I could? Yeah, yeah. It's on the street. Goodbye. Yeah, yeah.

Wait. No, come on. We'll go mobile. We'll do it in the van. Oh, I would love it. We'll podcast in the van. But I wore my little guy outfit. Yeah, yeah. Wait. No, come on. We'll go mobile. We'll do it in the van. We'll podcast in the van. But I wore my little guy outfit. Yeah, you have a guy.

I mean, I guess it's sort of a bowling shirt, for lack of a better term. With flames on it. With flames on it. My shoes also have flames. Wow. You are flaming. You are a hot cheeto. I'm a hot cheeto.

And you're also, it's kind of like a custom car. Like that's whenever I see flames like that, I always think of like hot rods. I really want to put flames on my car. Yeah, yeah. But then all my friends have been like, well, no, then people will absolutely know where you are at all times. Yes. I was like, okay, I guess I won't. There was one time in Hawaii and I wanted, I mean, I don't know what the fuck I would have done with it. But there was a taxidermied shark's head with flames on it.

Well, you would have put that in your house. I guess I would have, yeah. You would have put it right next to some award that you have in your house. Or just brought it to church with me every Sunday. Do you go to church? I do not. Oh. I mean, I'm supposed to.

No, I'm not at all. Are you religious? I don't believe in God. That's the problem. Yeah, yeah, no. You know, even when I was a kid, we had a really great minister. I mean, for a small town, it was a pretty liberal church, United Church of Christ, which is sort of a very sort of generically, softly Protestant denomination. generically, softly Protestant denomination.

But we had a great minister who just like was a wonderful speaker and a wonderful guy and a sweet, wonderful man. And I love going to church because of him. And I love going to church because a lot of my friends went to church. But I was never, ever, ever encumbered by belief in a deity. It is a weird thing. It is. The Bible's bizarre. Oh.

Because some of it you're like, it's parables. And then other things are like, it's literal. And it's like, well, who got to pick and choose that? Right, right, right. Yeah. Right? It's very weird. Yeah, how come, you know, you can't have an abortion,

but you can eat shrimp? Yeah. You know, and even, you know what? Abortion for that matter, there's like something, I can't remember what book it's in, where God tells Moses maybe how to abort, like how to basically cause a miscarriage. Like there's a how-to in the goddamn Bible about miscarrying. There's a lot of stuff in the Bible that people ignore. It's a very, also, what a confusing book, you know? It's just, it's hard to read. Have you ever tried to like read the Bible?

Yes, but not for a long time. It's hard. When I was little, I would try to just sit down and be like, let's get through the Bible. Right, right, right. It's impossible. It's like a Scientology book. People who will say like,

I've read the Bible cover to cover three times. It's like, wow. Lies. But if it's not lies, it's like a Scientology book people who will say like I've read the Bible cover to cover three times it's like lies wow well but if it's not lies it's like oh well that's like saying like you know I put a stick in my eye you know I put a stick in my eye and I and I continue to put a stick in my eye what the fuck did you do that for yeah it doesn't make any sense what a waste of time yeah you could have read you read Harry Potter or something fun. Or just talk to people. Yeah, you could have left your house and spoken to one other person. Well, we started off on a really

controversial note. We've destroyed God. Your coffee has just been delivered. So maybe you'll wake up. Maybe. Who knows? I'm always so sleepy and low energy. I know. I know.

Really. Where are you from? I am from Lincroft, New Jersey. Lincroft, New Jersey. Which is in Middletown Township, which is in Monmouth County. Okay. Central Jersey. Central Jersey.

And has your family been from there for a long time? No. So my dad and my mother met in Chicago, and then my dad got a job at AT&T in Jersey. And has your family been there from there for a long time? No. So my dad and my mother met in Chicago and then my dad got a job at AT&T in Jersey. So they moved to Jersey, got married, had my sister, had me, and then they died. So nobody lives in Jersey. That's like my family. That's true. How old were you when your folks died? I was 16 when my mom died, 21 when my dad died. Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, because those are milestone years. Yeah, no shit. 16, your mom's dead. 21, you can drink. Your dad's dead. Yeah, yeah. And then 25, my godmother died. So I had this whole thing where I was like, at every milestone, somebody's going to die.

But then I think I turned 30 and nobody died. So I was like, okay, it's good. So the curse has been lifted. Yeah, yeah. And my therapist was like, there is no curse. You're fine. Of course. It's just a coincidence. Yes, yes. And I was like, okay, it's good. Also, my therapist was like, there is no curse. You're fine. It's just a coincidence. And I was like, Mary, oh boy.

Thank you so much. Because I thought I was killing people with birthdays. Now, is your therapist really named Mary? Is your therapist a gay man? No, her name is Mary. She's a nice, older, white lady. Nice. Who is really, really sweet.

And sometimes I'm like, I shouldn't use her real name. But then there's a thousand billion Marys. Right, exactly. And what does she care? It's you. I don't know. It's me. It's you that should be horribly embarrassed by trying to seek out better mental health.

I love therapy! How long have you been going? Two years. Yeah. I think. Is this your first? No. So after my mom died died I went to this therapist

And she had red lipstick And white blonde hair And lots of books On her bookcase And I was convinced That they were all fake Because she was stupid So I was like

There's no way You have real books Being that dumb Yeah yeah yeah I hated her Then my next therapist Was in Brooklyn And she tried to hypnotize me

And she didn't And I lied to her And I was like I am hypnotized And I don lied to her and I was like, I am hypnotized. And I don't know why. Why I was like pleasing this woman. For what? Like, it didn't help me.

Right. And then I went there another time. Well, I think also, too, everyone wants to believe they can be hypnotized. Maybe. I think, yeah, because I went to a hypnotist. And I don't know that I was, I mean, I, you know, I kind of like felt a little zoned out, but I did, you know. I felt perfectly fine. Yeah.

Nothing happened. I was just like, yes. Yeah, yeah, right. Thank you. But she should have known. Yeah. But she didn't. She was dumb, too.

Yeah, yeah. So then Mary, Mary is good. So what were you saying after the hypnotist? Was there another one? Nope. Oh, okay. Nope. I think that was, yeah, three. Mary is was there another one? Nope. Oh, okay. Nope. I think that was, yeah, three.

Mary's three, and she's great. Well, that's great. Yeah. Therapy's, like, for me, therapy takes the place of what church does for other people in terms of, like, providing a framework and something to believe in and some sense of progress and some sense of, and some sense of like purpose, you know, because there is always, it does always seem to be moving forward. And I've been, I've been talking to the same guy for 25 years.

Oh, wow. Do you ever get worried that your therapist likes you too much? I do not because, because he is, he, he's in New York and we mostly, you know, I mean, of course, then we mostly talk by phone. But he's like a real, like, I find there's a regional difference having been to therapists on both coasts. Wow. I know, I know. What a brag.

I'm a real asshole. Wow. Getting help everywhere. And even in the heartland. I went to, you know, in Chicago. What's the heartland? Wait, Chicago's called the heartland? Well, the heartland. It's the center of the country. I'm sorry. It's called the Heartland? Well, the Heartland. It's the center of the country.

I'm sorry. It's called the Windy City? I know, I know. But I mean as opposed to like both coasts. But yeah, no, in New York, the therapists that I have seen, and well, in this guy too, they seem much more kind of formal and rigid. Okay. And then out here, they're so much more casual.

formal and rigid. And like, and then out here, there's so much more casual. Like I've had, like I, years ago, I had a therapist here who spent most of the time

talking about herself. No. Yeah, like saying like, that reminds me of something that happened to me. No. And I think it was supposed to be

somehow illuminating to me that I could hear her, but it's like, no. No, you don't want that. Yeah, no,

this is about me. I'm paying to talk about myself. Yes, it's a totally selfish endeavor. And, no. No, you don't want that. Yeah, no. This is about me. I'm paying to talk about myself. Yes. It's a totally selfish endeavor. And that's what I like. My guy, for a while, like I'd sometimes see him in the neighborhood because he was in the neighborhood when I lived there. And it was like seeing a teacher in the neighborhood. It was like terrifying.

Yeah. It's weird. It's like, you're not supposed to be here. Yeah, yeah. What are you doing here? And then, but then, you know, like I say, we've been on the phone since I moved out here in 2001, pretty much, which I've learned to make work. It works fine. And in fact, I just last week was there face-to-face, and it's weird to be face-to-face.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, because I'm, like, nervous about the eye contact and stuff. Oh. Yeah. So, but he came to the show once. Like, he said to me, like, I'm in L.A., and can I come to your show? Which, you know, after 23 years or whatever. Like, sure, sure. And he came, and he had been divorced and remarried.

Oh. And I had no idea. Oh. Because I had seen him once with his wife, you know, whatever, 20 years ago. And then he's like, here with a new wife. And then so the next session, I'm like, did you get divorced and remarried? And he's like, yeah, yeah, about seven years ago. I was like, what the fuck?

Like, that's good. That is great. Because I don't even know if Mary's married. It keeps the focus on you. And I want to ask her, but the last time I asked her about herself, she said, why would you like to know? And I was like, because you're my friend. Right, right, right, right. I like you so much. Just because. I just want to know. Right, right, right. Because I'm hoping that then you'll be my friend and I won't have to pay you anymore to talk to you. I can just come by, drop by, tell you my issues.

We can have coffee. Yeah. And I never have to give you a penny. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, were you always a funny kid? Were you a funny family? My mother was very funny. And then now that I'm older, I understand that my dad was funny. Yeah. Because sometimes you're like, quiet people aren't fucking funny. Right, right. My dad was kind of quiet, but he was sneaky funny. Yeah.

My sister, I think she's funny. But one day I was like, Catherine, describe yourself. And she went, oh, well, I'm very short and boring. And I was like, this was your moment. You could have said anything. And you blew it. But I think she's funny. I was always very loud, and my mother would be like,

you got to learn a time and place to be loud. And I'd be like, but now is the time. Now is the place. So I never quite learned that. Turns out I have ADD, and that's why I was just, like, loud and buzzing around and, like, couldn't focus on things. But in high school, my mom was like, you're very loud, so, like, why don't you go be loud on a stage?

Like, act a little bit. And I said, okay. And that's when I was like, ooh, this is what I want to do forever. Like, that first laugh is addictive or addicting or whatever. You're just like, oh, I need this to happen over and over and over and over again. Kind of like how I feel like drug addicts feel. Because you're just like, that feeling feels so good. So that's when I decided that I wanted a career making people tee-hee-hee and giggle.

Now, I find from my time in doing this, a lot of the people that really get off on that laugh are fulfilling something that's missing. Do you feel like there was something, I mean, you know, this is a pretty prying question, but you know what I mean? Like, were you not getting enough attention? Did they ignore you at home? Oh, I got so much attention that it was sick. Yeah, yeah. Like my mother. That's different than most people I know that really need it didn't. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And they're making up for something they weren't getting. I think maybe when I can get someone to laugh, that means they understand me. Yeah.

They understand what I've said and it's funny. I wasn't really understood growing up. Like I would make choices and my mother would be like, I don't understand why you did that, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Like, the last fight we got into was over the PSATs, and I didn't sign up for them. And she was like, why wouldn't you sign up for them? And I was like, I don't need SATs, mama. I'm going to be an actress. And she was like, I want you to go to college. And I was like, I don't want to. So, like, we just, like, fought about that.

And she was like, I don't understand. I gave you a check. Why wouldn't you just send it in? I was like, Oh, because I'm, I'm not, I don't need academics.

I'm funny. Uh, so yeah, I would just truly make choices. And she just like, didn't get it. Uh, that's flawless logic to tell a mother when you're 16 or 15 years old.

Cause I'm funny mom. Oh, okay. I'm funny. I don't need school. Yeah. That'll pay the rent. Oh I'm funny, Mom. Oh, okay. I'm funny. I don't need school. Yeah. That'll pay the rent. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I got

a lot of attention. Yeah. Had she gone to college? Yeah. She, like, worked and put herself through college. And that's where she met my dad. At the University of Chicago. Oh, wow. Smarty Pantses. I think it was the University of Chicago. Well, it better be because that sounds classy.

It does. Because that place is like nerd central. Oh, is it? You've got to be really super smart to go there. Oh, well, my dad was very smart. Yeah, yeah. What did he do at AT&T? He wrote programs on how you build on your phone.

Oh, wow. What a dick. Yeah, right? How rude. I want to use my phone for free did he uh yeah he worked at at&t and bell labs and shit like that wow so i mean but you said your mom was funny though i mean yeah yeah did she have a job or was she she did have a job so she no growing up she did not oh she worked at a uh ans which was a a retail store that closed um and then she worked at our school because my mom really liked being a mom

and really liked being around me and my sister. So she was like a lunch lady, and she did something else at the school. And then she started working at the church. She was very religious. She was the church treasurer. I think she missed out on being a teacher. She liked kids, and she liked teaching. I think she should have been a teacher, but, you know, whatever.

She didn't do that. And then she worked at the church until she died. Yeah. How did she pass, if I may ask? You can ask. Of a pulmonary embolism. So she had a blood clot in her leg that traveled to her heart and stopped her heart. Oh, that's terrible.

And then my dad died of a heart attack. So I'm going to die of heart disease. Well, you can do things, you know. Well, my dad was fit. He was a very thin, fit person and still died of heart disease.

My mom was fat and she still died of heart disease. I didn't mean that. I mean like medication. Oh, well, he was on medication. Oh, he was too? It's inevitable.

I'm going to die. My lovely, cute little heart is going to explode. Yeah. I always remember there was a guy when I was a kid who was, like, he was on commercials for healthy foods and stuff.

And he wrote a book about, like, the runner's Bible or something. I think his name was Jim Shorter. And so he's like a marathon running, you know, like, proselytizer about the healthiness of running. Motherfucker dies of a heart attack. Huge, gigantic heart attack. And I mean, at like a fairly young age. And I remember even at that age being like, wow, that sucks. Death will get you.

No kidding. It'll come for you whenever it wants. Yeah. And I mean, I have friends, people that I know that I've worked with one just a year or so ago. Guy about my age, just died. Yeah. Nobody, and he was healthy. I mean, we had worked together years ago, and then the way that I knew him was from seeing him at the fucking gym.

That's how we maintained a relationship over the years and then just died. It's kind of wild. You hit a certain age, and then people will just continue to die. Yeah, yeah. And I'm not afraid of death. I've already planned my funeral. Have you really? Uh-huh.

What is it? Well, okay. It's in my will, but technically you're not allowed to ask people to do things in a will. But that's okay. I have it. My best friend, I told her where it is and she's got to carry it out. So at my funeral, I want to be wearing something real slutty. I also want googly eyes over my eyes.

I love that there's a legal document that says googly eyes. And then I gave her the names of three dudes that I want to come talk about my pussy. Just like in a nice, fresh, fun way. Neil deGrasse Tyson. He is one. Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer. And then I have like a thing I want each of my dear friends to do with my ashes, which like pertains to our relationship. Just like a fun, stupid, silly thing to do. Yeah, but save that. Yeah, yeah. No spoilers here. No, no. No, no.

I haven't told any of them. Right, yeah, yeah. No spoilers here. No, no. No, no. I haven't told any of them. Right, right, right. And then my best friend, I was like, just so you know, I wrote my true feelings about how much I love you. And she was like, oh, well, tell me now. And I was like, no, you have to wait until I die. You can't know how I really feel about you yet. You got to be sad. Yeah, yeah.

And then I asked her to go through all of the voicemails I've left her. And she has to compile the best of them and then play them for everybody. And then I want everyone to do like a tight five minutes about me. Nice. That's, you know, the fact that you're not going to tell her what you think about her really puts the pressure on her to maintain that. Like she can't fuck up from now until. No, she truly can't.

Wow. Because I can still edit the document. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Or it'll just be like completely wrong. And everyone will be like, what?

That's wrong. Oh, and I also asked her to, I was like, hopefully Deadline will announce my death. Yes, yes. Because I love a good Deadline article about myself. And I was like, I want you to post my Deadline article as my final Deadline article. And then I gave her the caption she needs to post with it. I'm insane. No, no.

It just, no, you, there's, I mean, and I mean this in the best possible way. You are an expression of an incredible amount of self-love. Thank you. Don't, I mean, I think so. I do love myself a lot. Why not? It's a waste of time to not. I get really confused when people don't like themselves because there's so many things you can do to change who you are to be the person you want to be.

Like on my Instagram, I'll get a lot of people being like, I just wish I was as confident as you. And I was like, oh, that's really easy. Just like wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and go, I like what I see. Yeah. And you say it every day until you don't have to say it because you actually like what you see. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And also fake it until you make it. Yes. Is the fucking key to everything. Yeah. The key to everything. Like I'm not feeling it. Tough shit, man.

Fucking fake it. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Like my first acting job, I didn't know what like a wide, a mid, a close. I didn't know what, like, a wide, a mid, a close. I didn't know any of that shit. I got a job in a cable movie, and it was a scene with Swoozie

Kurtz and Bo Bridges. What a dream! Yeah, and they were like, and Holly Hunter was in the movie, you know? And they were like, okay, we're going to come around to the other side, and I was like, what is that? Yeah, what does that mean? And then sometimes you just, like, ask a PA, you're like, they said this, and what does that mean?

Oh, absolutely. And they'll tell you. Absolutely. See, I went to film school, and my first work was in film production in Chicago. And when you work freelance, you start as a production assistant, and then they'll give you different jobs. They'll say, can you be a second AD? And you go, yeah. And then you show up, and you don't have any fucking clue.

And I did this. And I would do that. I was like a second AD. And it was an out-of-town coordinator. And she's like, so you know how to do contracts, don't you? And I was like, nope. There's a bunch of exes needing contracts. And I was like, you know.

And to me, it was like, take five minutes and fucking show me. Just show me. Yeah, yeah. Or like I did what at the time they did, video assist, which is not a thing that's necessary anymore. But it was a film camera, and actually Jerry Lewis invented this. In the eyepiece, there was a thing that transformed it to a video signal, and then there's a cable that ran off the eyepiece, and then you could run a tape deck so that the client and you would hit record on each take while the camera was taking it on film and then the clients could watch the playback cool and before that there was no playback but like i took that job a couple times with no fucking clue as to

how to do it and just was like lucky to have the worst thing that happens is you get fired right the best thing is you learn something exactly new well and i mean and i knew so many people that like there were camera assistants that were like oh let me help you you know and then they just show you you know my favorite thing on set is asking questions like i am so annoying sometimes but like i didn't know what um like uh the second camera person did like when they're pulling focus sure and i was like oh my god so you're like literally staring at the monitor making sure it's in focus the whole time. And you're, like, moving things.

And if it's, like, a steady cam, you're walking with it. It's a lot of work. Yeah, yeah. And then I've seen actors be so, like, dismissive of, like, the crew. And I'm like, bitch, they leave after you. They get here before you. They do so, like, the nicest thing you can be is nice. And, like, camera ops, I love them.

They're my favorite because they'll tell you if something's actually funny. Yes. They've seen everything. Yes. So if they're not laughing, you better rethink what you're doing. And if they're laughing, like take that as like a sign that what you're doing is good. And I don't know. They're your friends.

On the Conan show, if I make the cameraman laugh then i'm like okay there you go i make the people laugh whatever they're here to laugh but also they're like this is uh it's it's sparkly and and weird and they're from ohio and they're like i love this hollywood yes they're not real people right they don't count they're not family they can just go home and be like, oh, that wasn't actually funny, but I laughed in person. Right. Because the warm-up guy told me to. Like, yelled at me to laugh, you know. No, and they are.

It's like family. And I mean, I'm not even, at this point, I went to film school. I wanted to be a film actor. That's, you know, and then I got into improv. And I, so I worked for an audience and stuff, but, and I like working

in front of an audience and I like the energy, but it's not my preference. I'd much, I, like I say, I set out to be a film actor and I like

the kind of like merry band of like portable, little portable city of a film crew and I like playing for those people. I like entertaining, like playing for those people I like entertaining like I said it's like entertaining family as opposed to entertaining strangers and I find it

much more enriching so I agree I think we're on the same page yeah I miss having a show because it's like for those three months that is your family yeah yeah and you get to know these people and everyone is so interesting and then sometimes they they let you, like, hold the camera. Like, I got to do that. And I was just like, this is fucking cool. Like, I'm learning things. Yeah, yeah. Or ride on the dolly or whatever.

Oh, that's so much fun. Well, now you say you wish you had a show. Has Nailed It not? Oh, well, Nailed It is reality. Oh, okay. It's not the same thing. It's not the same thing. Scripted is my love.

Like, I do a lot of unscripted stuff, but I love scripted just because it's so much more challenging than being yourself. Yeah. And I think people have a challenge being themselves. But like I've been pretty much myself my whole life. Yeah. But like, yeah, making someone else's words your own words, I think, is such a challenge. And then being a good actor is a challenge like I was watching Aquaman and I don't want to like shout anybody out but there was this one actor

who is phenomenal and she was acting against a person who wasn't to her level and I was like how curious that like you can really tell who's good and who is not like who can make words their own yeah yeah I just I love scripted stuff yeah, I just, there's a scene in this last season, and I'm not going to name names just because I don't care. But there was a scene in this last season of Game of Thrones. Well, I might as well say it. It's like, it's when Arya is talking to the sword maker kid. I don't remember his name. I don't remember any of those fuckers' names.

That's fine. The sword maker kid. I don't remember his name. I don't remember any of those fuckers' names. That's fine. But, and then she sort of like, you know, she throws a knife behind him. And she's supposed to be playing sort of like a top, kind of like a sexy top in that. And he's impressed by it. She's like, that was so out of her wheelhouse that it just, I don't, I mean, I don't blame her for it.

But it just like, because she's great. But it just was like, I didn't buy her as like the sexy top. And it's interesting. Someone could be saying the lines and like be doing like an adequate job at like, sometimes you're like, I don't buy it. I don't believe it. Yes. And I, and it, you know, and like I say, I mean, there's plenty of scenes I've seen myself and I've been like, Ooh, that was no good.

You know, but the guy that plays the sword maker guy that ends up having sex with her, that spoiler alert if you haven't seen it. But what the fuck? Come on, people. Get with it. But, like, he, the way he played that scene carried the whole, like, it was like, it was such an interesting, like you say, like such an interesting dynamic between somebody that's like, she's trying, but it's not really going up. And then him being like, holy fuck. He's like, whatever slack she's leaving, he is pulling it up.

Yeah, yeah. And it's just, it's so interesting. It's exciting. But then also it's like, in a couple of years, they may be the person carrying a scene for somebody else. Precisely, yeah, yeah. Acting is such a, people don't get it that, like, it's reps. You have to keep doing it.

Precisely. You have to keep, like, your first thing will be whatever. But, like, you know, like, Meryl Streep wasn't Meryl Streep until she was Meryl Streep. You know what I'm saying? Right, right. Her acting styles have changed. Like, if you've ever watched Death Becomes Her,

it's, like, so camp and she's so broad in it that you forget that Meryl can be campy and she can be broad. But she does a lot more nuanced stuff now. I just, I love acting. Yeah, yeah. It's really fun. And it's, and I love it too. What I love about it, and I've gotten in kind of arguments with actors about it, because

to me, acting is lying. It's convincing lying. It's like, which, you know, like I learned how to do as a child. Like, and so you have to think about like the little details that go into getting to someone to believe that you're this person. And I've had actors be like, no, it's really about getting to a truth. It's like, no, it isn't. I think it's about lying. Because you're not a mobster.

Yeah. Yeah, you're not. I think it's lying. And I think it's getting back to the whimsicalness of, like, being a kid. Because, like, if you think about it, kids, they'll just say anything. Yeah. And you're like, what do you mean by that? And they're like, hmm, I don't know.

I haven't thought it through. But they said it was such conviction that you believed them. And then, like, also looking stupid is a thing. Like, improv is one of those things where they're like, look stupid. Yeah. And that helps because sometimes you do something in a scene where you're like, I don't know. But then if you take yourself too seriously, it's not going to actually work. So you have to like be okay looking stupid.

The absence of ego is essential. Essential. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The amount of times I've had to roll on the floor and be a monkey in an improv scene has really helped in my career. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it's about lying. Yeah, I think it's about lying. Yeah. I think it's about lying and being whimsical like a kid.

Can't you tell my love's a-growing? How did you get from, was it Linwood? Is that what you said? Lincroft, New Jersey. Lincroft. How did you get from Lincroft to professional showbiz person? So my mom died. My dad stepped up as like the primary parent when he wasn't really like he was involved in our lives, but he also worked a full time job. So he was like, where do you think you're

going to go to college? And I was like, well, I don't want to go to Rutgers. I don't want to go to a four year school. I want to go to an acting conserv I was like, well, I don't want to go to Rutgers. I don't want to go to a four-year school. I want to go to an acting conservatory. And he said, no. And I said, but I found one where. Did he ask why you use that weird accent when you say it? He was like, Nicole, why do you say conservatory like that? My dad, he's always grumbling.

So I found this two-year school in New York called AMDA, the American Musical and Dramatic Academy. They don't claim me as a graduate. Why not? Because I talk shit about it. It was a terrible school. Oh, oh, oh. It was one of the worst schools.

Wow. Was it like one of those for-profit kind of deals? Yeah, and then they said that your credits would transfer to the new school, so you could do two more years and get a degree. But then the credits actually transferred to you like being a freshman and a half so then you had to do like four more years of school

and I have several friends who ended up doing that and they're fine but I was like this is my way in I'm going to tell my dad that I'm going to get my degree after

you know four years or whatever and he sent me there and I didn't learn very much but then I got to be in New York and be on my own

and then after school I was truly Which is an be in New York and be on my own. And then after school, I was truly. Which is an education. Yes. Under itself. Yeah. Being on your own, you have to learn how to feed yourself, fend for yourself. I had to get a job. Yeah.

I was working retail. And retail is interesting. The yield charge, so I want $100 for a pair of jeans and sell, I don't know, 100 pairs of those fucking jeans. And then you're going to pay me $7.50 to live in New York City. I'm looking at you, Lane Bryant, because that's where I worked. I know. I always love in fancy stores when the clerks are real snobby to you. And it's like, you're a fucking clerk.

Take it easy. My friend Paul Welsh, anytime someone takes their job too seriously, he's like, what are you, a shareholder? And that makes me laugh so hard because it's like, what stakes do you have in this company? But I was like, working retail. And then I truly Googled, what do actors do when they're not acting? And something that came up was improv. And I was like, okay, maybe I'll try some improv. So then I started taking classes at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York.

Where were they at that point? They had moved into the 26th Street location, and then their classrooms were at 30th and 7th. And then I think I took classes for maybe like a year before I started working there. So I was working the front desk, babysitting, going on commercial auditions, coaching improv. It was a lot. And then, yeah, things just kind of started spiraling, or not commercial auditions, coaching. It was just, it was a lot. And then, yeah, things just kind of started spiraling, or not spiraling, snowballing. And then my first job was 30 Rock.

I got to be in the tag of an episode. Oh, nice. Which was just like the best. Tina Fey was so nice. Her daughter was there, and she was very nice, and I talked to her daughter a lot, because I identify with children, like behind-the-scenes people, rather than like a star. star I was like I don't know how to talk to you you're you're Tina fucking Faye yeah but um we like got this scene and then they were

really kind to me and let me improvise even though it was a tag and they were never going to use anything other than what they needed because it's so short but uh it was just like really incredible that they let me do that and it was well it's because it's because uh her and uh robert carlock they're people that appreciate fun and funny you know like tina's a fucking genius you know i've known her forever and she's an amazing person and a wonderful person but she also like she's a genius but she's also like somebody that likes to have fun and somebody that understands like that if you take the fun out of this and if you take the play out of it which i worked i've worked with plenty of supposed comedy professionals that love to take the fun out of it that love to like and i don't know whether it's because they live up their own ass or whatever reason well

sometimes comedians don't want to not be the funniest person yes yes yes which is a wild thing and it's like you have to let the ego go like because it's comedy like someone's gonna be funnier than you you'll be funnier than someone it's not like a mathematical equation like it's just things fucking happen and she was so like she like laughed at stuff i did like it was just a really really really great experience for my first time because she's not threatened yeah yeah she has the show yeah she well it's but also she's not threatened because she's self-contained and that she's a fucking genius and she's having fun and like and there's plenty to go around you know that's always

that's always been my feeling i've never from, from early days, and I mean, and this is also part of like, I mean, I was sort of genetically engineered and trained to be codependent and sort of to service people that are needier than me. I don't mean anyone in particular. But I mean, from like my childhood into, you know, different relationships and everything. It's like I've always been kind of the person that's sort of like, oh, you need it? Oh, okay. Go ahead, hon. I'm fine. Don't worry about me.

And I kind of have, you know, derived a sense of identity and almost kind of like superiority out of it. Like, well, this fucking needy fucker over here. I'm all right. And, you know, and of course it's, has had terrible psychological side effects. Sure. But I'm still trying to fucking fix today. But like, I always noticed it early on in improv,

the people that really fucking needed it. I always felt like, all right, go ahead. Go, go out there. You go stand at the, you know, down at the front of the stage and I'll stand back here. And then what I figured out after a while was I'll stand back here and

I'll still win. Yes. Because I'll wait while you're up there sweating and trying and stuff. Your work is so hard. I'll pick my fucking spot and I'll button this fucking scene and then you'll be like, I'll get that sense of superiority a different way. But no,

I've never understood. Like, and I've heard people, and this is never, it's never really happened to me, but I've heard people, and this is the kind of thing that you,

you know, you hear about, but you can't believe happens. They kill with lines in a sitcom script. Then they go away and then they come back and all those lines, or they're given and then they come back. And they're gone.

Or they're given to somebody higher up on the call sheet, somebody with more power. That's bananas to me. That's so fucking crazy that somebody has the shamelessness to say, I want that line, that line that that guy killed with or that woman killed with. I want it. I want it. Give it to me.

Which is bananas, and I've seen it happen, and it is truly just out of this world. And I did a show once where I improvised something, and the director really liked it. And then because we shot out of order, and then the next scene, the girl who I was in the scene with said the line I improvised, that's going to be later in the show. And then the director was like, yeah, man funny all right so you keep it and then we'll

lose it in the other scene and I was like but but I I literally wrote that for you what do you mean and then it was also it was a fucking multi-cam so it was in front of an audience and then uh I like said something else and then in the next take she said it before I could say it I was like oh so that's what this is I'm gonna improvise really funny things and you just get to have them so I'm just punching up the script for you essentially yeah yeah yeah yeah that was not fun no it's and and you know and it's also it's uh it's really in the long run it's terrible management because what they've basically done is they've given they've de-incentivized you yeah to be funny and to be as funny as you can when you obviously are showing like hey i'm a funny factory let me go and they're and they're like you know okay thanks we're gonna

and we're gonna we're gonna shut you down now basically because i like one of the sitcoms that i worked on that i was well it's quintuplets uh I worked on quintuplets and I was just a it was one of is I I just was an actor on that show I got you know I like my pattern when it came out was like develop a show and if it goes you know like then do that and then and then try and do another script and if that doesn't go then just try and get a job on a pilot and this was one. And it went. And it was like one of the most lucrative things I've ever done. Oh, yeah.

Baby network television. Oh, yeah. Ooh, 22. But early on, I was so used to being appreciated for my ability to make funny things and to contribute to funny things. And to me, it's always like, hey, you're moving heavy stuff. I have muscles. Let me pitch in.

And there was a moment early on in that show where they, we were shooting without an audience doing, you know, because for people that don't know, yeah, when you shoot a multi-camera show, a lot of the scenes now just to save time are pre-taped so that the audience doesn't have to sit through the taping of the entire half hour because it can be fucking tedious and we in between the the writers were all sitting around the living room set and they were pitching on the next scene that was going and i just had a cup of coffee and i walked over and it's like dark you know because it's like it's not lit but they're sitting around and I walked over and it's like dark, you know, because it's like it's not lit, but they're sitting around. And I walked up and just kind of stood at the end of the at the outside of the circle. Comedy people pitching something I'd been doing at that point for like 10 years came and stood up outside the circle and it came to a halt.

The discussion, the like pitching of jokes came to a halt. The discussion, the like pitching of jokes came to a halt. And the head writer who I was standing over shoulder looked over up at me and said like, yeah, hi, what can we do for you? Wow. And I said, oh, I just, you know, I was just listening. And he went, oh, okay. And I just was like, and I walked back to my trailer and I just was like, oh, man. That sucks. You fucking idiot.

Because, you know, call it arrogance, whatever. It's like, you want to have a fucking funny off with any of those people sitting on that fucking thing with me? I will crush them, motherfucker. Also, it's like they cast you because you're funny. No shit. And then also, you know your voice. Yeah. So you know a joke for your voice. Right, it's like they cast you because you're funny. No shit. And then also, you know your voice. Yeah. So you know a joke for your voice.

Right. Exactly. So what a wild thing to be like, let's exclude him. He's not one of us. He's not a writer. And I'm not like, you know, it's, I'm not like just some airhead that says lines, you know? So as the season went on, there was a, there was a, they started to sort of become difficult.

Like the scripts were becoming difficult. And they were like, and I said to the showrunner at one point, I said, you know, I've never had a scene because it was quintuplets, three boys, two girls. I said, I have never had one scene alone with my daughters. I said, I have, I've had plenty of scenes alone with the boys. I said, but I've never had one scene alone with my daughters. I said, I've had plenty of scenes alone with the boys. I said, but I've never had a scene alone with the daughters. I would love to have that dynamic because I like women better than I like men anyway. And also because my TV daughters were so fucking good, and I wanted to do a scene with them. So I basically stole an old Second City idea.

And I said, what if we go to visit an old relative and the old relative dies in kind of a hilarious way while we're visiting? And that like me and the girls sort of were sort of struck by the tragedy but can't help but laugh. Like it's an old Second City scene. And he was like, that's great. And it ended up being Phyllis Diller being like this old aunt that, you know, I think she fell down an elevator shaft or something. But so they wrote that episode and it was great. And I loved working with, with, with my TV daughters. And then like the next time, then he came up to me, the showrunner came up to me later and was like, listen, if you have

any other ideas for stories, you know, just let me know. And I was just like... Oh boy, we could have been doing this from the jump. You wasted time. This is like episode 13. You should have not been so shitty to me in episode 3. Because fuck you, buddy, you're on your own.

No, no, no. This brain only lets things go when I say. And I say to you, buddy. You're on your own. No, no, no. This brain only lets things go when I say. And I say to you, go away. No, go away. No, no. I don't like you. But anyway, so and then your first show that was, I mean, like, did you do a lot of paying gigs before the MTV show? No, because I got the MTV show, the audition for Girl Code the day I was flying back from a tour co for UCB.

Oh, wow. I was doing tour co, which means we would go to colleges for pennies and do improv to kids who didn't want it. Right. So many shows, they'd be like, stop it. And you'd be like, but we're just getting out the who, what, where. Right, right, right. Be patient. We'll find something.

We'll find something fun. And we'll reference your school and you'll love that later. So I landed and then had the audition for Girl Code and I looked it up on my phone and I was like,

okay, so it's a talking head show. I don't really understand how those work, but I'll go to the audition and we'll figure it the fuck out. And then I booked it and they never told me how many episodes I was shooting.

So I think it was, it might have been 20 episodes. So they were flying me back and forth to New York. By that point, I was living in L.A. And then by, like, the third or fourth time they flew me back, I was like, how many episodes am I doing? And our showrunner, this woman named Laura Murphy, was like, all of them. And I was like, oh, boy, what a treat. You've got good representation that you had to fucking ask that question.

I won't ask questions there was one commercial that I got why didn't your agent know this oh they I don't ask them questions oh okay I just I'm very thankful

to work yeah yeah now I ask questions now I understand that like I'm worthy and I need to know information yes yes but I had this one commercial

where it was for Comedy Central Belvita Breakfast Biscuits and they were like meet us at a white van on 54th and 8th. And I said, yes.

You should ask questions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then as we drove upstate, I turned to the other actors and I said, if someone wanted to murder actors, this is what you do. Just tell them to meet you somewhere.

If you want to get them into a sex cult, this is how you do it. Yes, this is how you do it. And actors will literally do anything for a job. Like sometimes sag will be like, you cannot work on this.

You cannot, it's a stop order work. And the WGA is like, we're firing our agents. Everyone said, okay. So like actors are just so desperate for work. Um,

but then I did girl code. They didn't promote it. And then it just happened to be a hit, which was, you know, very nice. I keep having to be on shows where they don't do, like, they didn't do any promotion for Nailed It, and people just found it.

Yeah, yeah. Which was very, very cool. I think it might be you. I think so. I don't know. No, I think it is. Well, I had another show that they didn't promote, and then nobody watched it. Well, that wasn't your fault.

Thank you. That show. Yeah, that was, everyone else in that show Okay yes Was a piece of shit Yeah it was everybody else Everyone else was trash What was that show? It was called Loosely Exactly Nicole's on MTV

Oh right right They put up a billboard on Sunset Which was like Insane to see Isn't that crazy? So crazy I think I've had that once Really?

Yeah and I didn't expect it And it was just like It like It was almost uncomfortable Yes Yeah It's uncomfortable But but then also crazy. And you're like, I want this all the time.

Oh, okay. See, that's where you and I differ. They didn't put an air date on it. So I was like, I'm real thankful, but. Help us out. The name of the show, or maybe the name of the show was on it, but there was no air date. And I was like, how do you, what do you, for who was this for? For me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They put an air date on it. Yeah, yeah. What do you, for who is this for? For me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put an air date on it. Yeah, yeah. No, that's the problem with just, there's so many ways for things to go wrong.

But there's also simple things. Yeah. Put an air date on it. Yes. And then they were like, make sure you tweet about it. And I was like, oh, okay, so you want me to tweet to the people who follow me, who probably watch the show? We got to figure out the people who don't follow me, how to get them to watch the show. And they were like, oh, yeah.

Yeah, but that involves them having an idea. Like, the second season of Andy Richter Controls the Universe, the head of the network, she's fantastic, but she said to us,

because, you know, the show is kind of different. Like, one of the things that they said at the time was Fox comedies are families and this isn't a family. It's a workplace. Like, as if people are like, I turn on Channel 11 and I

see people that aren't related. And I don't get it. There are different ethnicities and there's a fax machine. So, like, okay, yeah, okay, whatever. But she actually, she said to me and to us, she was like, I just don't know how to promote this show. And I was like. Commercials.

I was like, you said to us make a funny show. Yeah. We made a funny show. And now you're going, I don't know how to promote it. That's our job. Truly, the way you promote a family show is the same way you'd promote this show.

Yeah. Buy ad space. Yeah. Put us on the side of fucking buses. Yeah. Yeah, come on. It's,

I know, I know. And I, you know, and then I've had other shows too, that like where they, like Andy Barker PI, which actually was my favorite of the shows that I know, I know. And then I've had other shows, too, like Andy Barker, P.I., which actually was my favorite of the shows that I did, was on, I think there were, I can't even remember. I think there were maybe nine episodes of that.

It was on four different time slots in nine episodes. And some of those were just, they burned it off. They put two in a row on like a fucking Friday night. Yeah, that's what happened to my show. Ugh. So, and it's like, that's what people don't understand too, I think. The quality of the work, the quality of the show, the quality of the acting, the writing, all of that is so far down the list in terms of like the actual survival of the thing. Yeah.

Like Arrested Development only lasting three seasons is wild. Yeah, yeah. Because I found it later and then was like, there's no more? Why? Why? This is so fun. Why? Yeah, yeah.

But I mean, that's like Breaking Bad. Imagine if Breaking Bad was on now. They probably wouldn't have let it found its audience. Like I don't feel like people found it until season three or four. So it's like, you've got to leave shit on. There's so much content. I think Breaking Bad number one would be on streaming now. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, I don't think. Well, although AMC still does kind of do some stuff, although they're sort of zombie-centric now. They love The Walking Dead. Yeah, they sure do. Never seen it? I've also never seen Game of Thrones. You were talking about Game of Thrones, and I was just like uh-huh i watched the not the last episode but the second to last episode well that's good that's the only one i've seen and i was like everybody dying it's really it actually

is really a fun show it's like a really good escapist thing that to me you know i started watching it from the beginning and was embarrassed that I was watching when I first started. Yeah, because to me it was like Falcon Crest with, you know, swords and dragons and shit. And I was embarrassed, you know, but it was also too, like from the beginning, there's like the first episode, there's incest and shit like that, like explicit fucking scene of like brother and sister so it was kind of like wow and then and uh and that kept me going anytime you were like

exactly yeah so now people know what my you porn searches are um but uh but uh i like that you go to you porn and not porn hub oh i go to a mall i go to aPorn and not Pornhub oh I go to them all I go to them all you know you gotta you gotta mix it up you gotta mix it up you gotta keep them from that ad coming up

on the second video that you look at you know what I mean I do sure of course you do I love porn I like this one man right now

I bookmarked him which feels insane because every time I like search on the internet I'm like what if someone sees I have porn bookmarked? Yeah, but, I mean, you know, whatever.

Yeah, whatever. I fucking flick my bean. Yeah, come on. I forgot what I was doing. This flicking bean totally frazzled me. Sorry. No, but, oh, and then, but Game of Thrones, as it went on, and it did become a thing, it really is like there were so many episodes that I was mad. Like a baby, its bottle had been taken away.

Well, people are mad about who won the game. I just mean mad that it was over. Like each hour episode. It's Sunday night. I'd sit down to watch it, and nobody in my house watched it with me. My wife was like, what the fuck are you watching that shit for? And then, but, like, the episode would end, and I'd be like, oh, baby wants this bottle. Give it to me.

That's so funny. Yeah, yeah. I don't have, I guess RuPaul's Drag Race is like that. I love RuPaul's Drag Race. I just love drag queens. It's a pretty great show. It's a good time. RuPaul is like a Zen god.

People out there, anytime you see RuPaul being interviewed, read it. Because you will come away a better person. Yeah. Ru talks a lot about meditation and taking time for yourself and taking space for yourself. And I really love that. Yeah. Just such a brilliant person with such a wonderful philosophy. I love him.

Try to get him on here, but then he won't. We're not having any luck. Rue is so busy. I know, but come on, it's me. It is you. It's me. Rue, find the time. Yeah.

Rue. Come on, Rue. Find the time, Rue. Rue! Come on, Rue. Find the time, Rue. So, let's go to the where are you going? Where do you think you're headed? What's your hopes and dreams?

Well, my hopes and dreams are I hope I continue working. I would like to be on another show or sell another show. I'd like to do movies. I haven't done movies much yet. Are you the kind of person that has a specific kind of goal? You know, like, I want to, you know, like, in the next five years, I want to be the star of my own whatever or, you know, or I want to play Carnegie Hall or whatever, that kind of thing.

No. Yeah. I do write specific things down that I want in play Carnegie Hall or whatever, that kind of thing? No. Yeah. I do write specific things down that I want in my planner every year. Sure, of course. Your vision board. Yeah. So I would like to play theaters. Theaters is something that I want to do next with stand-up.

Yeah. I would like to star in a movie that maybe I've written or something, but something that's my voice. And then I would like but like something that's like my voice. And then I would like to have a show that's my voice. So like, I just want to continue making things that are my voice. And eventually I'd like to like write a book. Yeah.

And people have asked me recently, like, would you write like a memoir, you know, essay book? I'm like, no, I'm 32 or 33.

I don't know anymore, but like, I haven't lived enough. I feel to do this. Like 40, 45 to me is the sweet spot. I don't know anymore. I haven't lived enough, I feel, to do this. 40, 45 to me is the sweet spot. I'm 52 and people have said to me, write a book, write a memoir, write a book. I still

feel like, what the fuck do I know? It's also just I have to wait for people to die to really write the book I want to write. Fair. Talk shit about them dead people. They're the best kind I want to write. Fair. Yeah, yeah. Talk shit about them dead people.

They're the best kind of people to talk shit about. But I think that's a good thing. I have always, and I've said it before on one of these, making your goal a process as opposed to a thing is a very useful thing because the process is always flexible. Whereas if you attain the thing, you got this engine making all this, you know, pushing you towards this thing. And then you make the thing, the engine's not going to stop. Yeah. And I try not to be super specific because sometimes what you ask for is not necessarily what you need or want. Yeah.

specific because sometimes what you ask for is not necessarily what you need or want. So I feel like if you get too specific, then like the universe tries to steer you to this like one thing that you're like, I want this. And it's like, well, maybe you didn't need that now. Right, right. So that's why I try to keep all my goals pretty open ended. But like, you know, like me saying I want to do movies doesn't mean I want to do one. Right, right, right. I would like to do a lot.

Yep. And like if I would like to do another show for me like shows I you know like after that one I hope to have another one uh yeah yeah that's my thing I just want to have a long career you know yeah and I mean and I'm you know I've had my own sitcom I've you know with which I was both you know both the star of one you know one that I didn't write and then ones that I was, you know, contributed to and wrote for and, you know, and I'm talk show, like I said, talk show sidekick and cartoon voices and, you know, and game show host, you know, I mean, so like I've just, you know,

it's, I feel like kind of like I'm waiting to become a weatherman, you know, just to really hit every niche. But I think that that's, it's a vital thing and a very healthy thing to just kind of remain open to whatever happens. I think you're bulletproofing yourself against disappointment because you're just, you know, you've got it open as opposed to hitting something and then the lid closes and then that's it and now you are a complete thing. It's like, no, you're never a complete thing. You're never complete. You're always working towards something else, hopefully. Yeah, sure. Like I said, I didn't want to do unscripted anymore. Like that was a blanket statement I said a couple years ago.

But then I got nailed it and I was like, well, they said they'll let you do whatever you want. You don't know about baking and they're fine with that. This might be fun. Why don't you just do it? Don't let that door close. And then it ended up being really fun. And easy too. Oh, yeah.

It's very easy. It's 10 hours of me just doing literally whatever I want. Like say the copy, but like other than that, I do me. And that's, I mean, cause that's what like,

like for me to do game shows now, that's cause I've been like, you know, the whole Malcolm Gladwell, 10,000 hours or whatever. Like that's, I've been on TV. That's what I do.

I've been on TV. And so like, I do feel like, you know, you're the same way you've been on TV. That's what I do. I've been on TV. And so, like, I do feel like, you know, you're the same way. You've been on TV many different ways. So you can be on TV however you want. You know, like you could, you know, you could be on Walking Dead.

I could. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, I'm a zombie. Now we get to the sort of like what have you learned part. I mean, do you, I don't know, I guess that the form that that would sort of take maybe is like, what do you think people would take away from your story? Like the story, like, like if you were, if you were a story at this point, like, what do you think people would take away from like, what's the point of all this? of all this? Well, I hope that when people look at me,

that they learn that I learned to love myself. Like loving yourself is a journey. It's a hard thing. It's very easy to look around and see what other people have and get jealous or down on yourself. But like me personally, I learned that like, you don't actually know

what's going on with other people. You kind of have to keep your eyes on your own paper, worry about yourself. And that loving yourself don't actually know what's going on with other people you kind of have to keep your eyes on your own paper worry about yourself and that loving yourself isn't bad it's a good thing yeah and it doesn't mean you're self-absorbed or self-involved it just means that this vessel that you're in currently you love and that's good and that's okay and however you want to express yourself is good and that's okay so that's something I learned that I hope when people see me that they in turn can learn that. I also learned that things are hard and that's okay.

Like it's okay to be disappointed. I've learned to not get hung up on shit. To just like move the fuck on. My ADD helps a lot with that. But moving on is a good thing. Professionally, I've learned a lot. Personally, I don't know. Really?

I'm just looking for someone to love me. I know. And I don't know how to make that happen. Oh, it's the oldest story in the book. Yeah, yeah. I do want to ask, because, you know, we say, and I said, you know, fake it till you make it. Learn to love yourself. We say, and I said, you know, fake it till you make it.

Learn to love yourself. Are there specific, is there any specific things that you could name between Nicole not loving herself and Nicole loving herself that you can give to people to help? Yeah, sure. I grew up in an all-white neighborhood, and me and my sister were two of the only black kids there. And then I was fat, and then there weren't that many other fat people. So, like, I was a fat black girl with like zits and bad hair and I just felt very much like a fish out of water or like I didn't belong or whatever and then I would like I would always wear like a cardigan or whatever in the summer because I was like god forbid someone see my fat arms and then I stopped swimming because I was like oh what if they see my fat body and then about like 18 or 19 I was like hold up if I wear

sleeves my arms are still fat they're just covered if I don't swim or if I wear like a shirt in the pool my shirt is wet and now stuck to my fat little body so like who am I hiding for like who so then I just kind of started wearing sleeveless things and I started wearing bikinis because I was like okay also a bikini is just easier to like pee in. Like a one piece, you have to like get all down. Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Two pieces underwear, you just slide it on down and it's real easy. And then I learned that if somebody looks at me and has like something rude to say about something I'm wearing or like the way I look, cool, who cares?

something I'm wearing or like the way I look cool who cares that means I affected that person living my truth so much that they had to stop their life to say something to me and I'm never gonna think about them again yeah that means I'm powerful that means I've I made I made this person react um and then also I used to look in the mirror every day and like grab my little titties and go I love you and like grab my like little rolls and be like, this is nice. And I don't have to anymore. Now I can get dressed and like look at myself and go, oh, you a badass bitch. Yeah, let's do this. Yeah, yeah.

But like sometimes I have bad days and I allow myself to have bad days. Also therapy. Yeah. I cannot stress it enough. I really love it. There's sliding scale therapy if you don't have the money. Yes. There's Talkspace, which is an app that I don't know very much about.

I'll say that, but it's you can text somebody and they text you something back. And I'm not saying to take their shit at face value because I don't know these therapists, but it's good to talk to someone who's not a friend who's got no stakes in your life. Yeah. I mean, the hurdles that finances are, you know, that finances are you know exist before therapy is is a crime and because i've talked very pro therapy on twitter i mean twitter is really my main online presence and i've talked very openly about therapy on twitter and people are always coming back well i can't afford it and so you say exactly what you said google Google sliding scale therapy in your area. And they'll be like, oh, you make $100 a week?

Well, you get to pay a Skittle. Yeah, they will. And you will be able to find something that like, and I can't say you'll absolutely be able to afford it, but you will be able to find something. And the larger point is, because I can't change people's financial situation, but what I can change is the people who think, or what I hope I could change, and the people I could talk to is the people that think that there's something shameful in it.

Or that it's an admission that you're sick or that you're broken or that you're wrong, which is just wrong and dumb and self-destructive. Yeah. And I think everybody at some point needs help. Yeah. Everybody, whether you're well-adjusted or whatever, like you need support. And sometimes a friend can't give that to you. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm all about therapy. My uncle said to me once, he was like, I don't think you have ADD. And I was like, oh, what do you think I have? He's like, well, I don't know. And I was like, well, when you figure it out, get back to me. But for now, I'll take my little Vyvanse and be on my way. It's been very helpful. Yeah. I've always said, if you had a compound

fracture, you wouldn't walk around with a bone sticking out of your leg. You'd go to the doctor. This same thing. You're miserable. You can't get out of bed. You can't, you know, go to the doctor. Yeah. And people think depression is a thing where you can just snap out of it. But I'm like, you don't, if you don't have depression, you don't understand how hopeless you can feel and how you're like, but if I get out of bed, what's the fucking point? Yeah. So I'll just stay. And it's like, well, that person might need, you know, an antidepressant or like something, you know? So don't tell that person that their feelings don't matter. And then a nice thing that Mary, my therapist has taught me is that feelings aren't

facts, which is like a really nice thing to hear to be like, oh, I might feel so sad right now, but it's not a fact. It's a feeling and you can figure out how to get out of bed and you can live your life. And if it's taking a pill, then okay. Or if it's light therapy, that's okay too. Yeah, I think we all need to just be okay with ourselves and love ourselves. Give yourself a hug if you're listening. Just hug yourself. Okay, we're going to give you a second to hug yourself.

Just hug yourself. Are you done? You can cop a feel too if you want. Yeah. Nobody will say anything. Yeah, grab and squeeze a titty. Grab and squeeze a titty. Well, squeeze a titty is as good a point as any to leave this episode. This has been, as you are, a goddamn joy, Nicole.

Hey, thanks. What a treat. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you so much. It was really fun. And I think we helped some people. I hope so. And if we didn't, I'm sorry.

Yeah, if we didn't help you and you're still listening, go fuck yourself. No kidding. We helped you kill an hour. Yeah, you fucking loser. Come on. Yeah, you fucking loser. Anyway, thanks, you fucking loser, for listening to The Three Questions with Andy Richter. So much fun having Nicole Byer here, and we will be with you next time.

Thank you. The three questions with Andy Richter is a team Coco and Earwolf production. It's produced by me, Kevin Bartelt, executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at team Coco and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, associate produced by Jen Samples and Galit Zahayek and engineered by Will This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.