The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: March 16, 2021

Comedian Nikki Glaser calls Andy from the COVID-free Cayman Islands. They chat about her obsession (and fear) around sex, her experience filming a reality show with her parents, and coping with depression through weed and baring her soul on podcasts.

Hi, everyone. I am talking to one of my favorite people, but I have very, very crappy taste. So I don't know what that really means. No, I'm really excited because this is going to be an easy, fun one. So I don't know what that really means. No, I'm really excited because this is going to be an easy, fun one. It's Nikki Glaser. And of course, there's a joke hanging there because you're easy and fun, but I'm not going to say that. Thank you. I feel – well, I'm actually not easy sexually, which some people – a lot of people think I am because, you know, that's what I joke about a lot.

But right. And that's a whole nother discussion that we certainly can get into. But I like the fact that, yes, I feel like I felt the same way about heading into this podcast as well as like it's going to be easy. I'm just talking to my friend Andy. And yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, I was I was just teasing because I know that about you too but you are but you are no but you are like an incredibly easy person to talk to and not just like you know because you're not stuck up or distant or anything but because you're you're naturally funny which there's some stand-ups that aren like that. They don't want to waste it. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I thank you for saying that because I don't feel like I'm that naturally funny. I'm, I'm giving with laughter and I'm, uh, I'm interested in people. So I think that sometimes I'm not as funny as I would like to be off the cuff. Why,

why, why do you think that about yourself? I don't know. I just, I don't think that's yourself? I don't know. I just I don't think that's true at all. Thank you. I now the pressure's on and I am going to try to be as quick as possible. But a lot of times I feel, well, Andy, I have I have this kind of trick that gets people to think I'm funnier than I am, especially men. And I just laugh a lot. And it's always earnest.

But if you laugh a lot, people think you're funny. They just think that, I mean, and this is true. If you laugh at the right things, you must have a good sense of humor. But sometimes I go on shows and I don't really get a word in,

but I'm laughing a lot. And people are like, you were so funny on that show. And I'm like, I didn't say anything funny. They just, it's a psychological trick. Yeah. Now you mentioned something that, you know, you joked that like people make assumptions about you based on your filthy, filthy, filthy material. Yes. And is that like, does that get weird to people come up to you and think, because like I find, you know, it's like managers and network people are like, you're so likable.

And that's a nice thing to hear. And I agree with it. But I think sometimes people think like, I'm the guy that wants to talk to everybody and come on over and have a beer with us. And I'm not, I mean, I'm not a rude person, but I'm certainly not, you know, I certainly don't want to go around and talk to everybody at the restaurant. No. So do people make assumptions about you based on your material that kind of backfires? Yeah, I really relate to that of just what am I putting out there that leads people to think that I, because I feel like I'm being honest about myself, but then people think I'm a huge whore.

And it's, the thing is, I'm just, I talk about the sex I have had. And so if you even talk about it, it sounds like you're having it all the time. And I like to deconstruct it. And I like to really talk about things that most people aren't comfortable talking about. And it's not, you know, I have to defend myself a lot because I'm not trying to like shock people or make people uncomfortable. I just, I'm talking

about the thing that is interesting to me because I don't do it a lot, you know, and because when I do do it, it stands out to me so much and I want to investigate it and, and just uncover it. So yes, it happens a lot that, you know, I get hit on or people say disgusting things in my DMS and stuff like that. But I think the more, well, I I'm such, I'm in such a place right now that I feel like I don't even recognize the person that I was who talked about sex all the time and specials and stuff, because I'm not having it. I haven't had it for a while. I haven't been in a relationship for a really long time. And so I feel very distant from that. So I feel like it's, it's happening less and less because I'm, I'm just not talking about as much. I'd love to, it's not something I'm trying not to talk about, but, uh, is that

because of COVID? I wish, you know, it started before then I wish I could blame it on COVID. It, yeah, I haven't been in, I don't know. I don't know why it is. I think that I've, well, the reason I'm fascinated by sex is because I was just a huge prude growing up. I was really scared of boys and just sex in general. I was just like, I'll never be able to do that. That's so awkward and weird. And like, I was obsessed with it and watched it

and studied it and talked to my friends about it. But I just felt like it could never be me. It just was something that I longed to participate in, but it was just, I was too scared. It was like the scariest thing to me. And I've held onto that. I mean, I was able to conquer those fears with alcohol eventually. That really helped as it does every awkward situation. It just makes everything so much easier. And then I quit drinking and luckily I was in a relationship when I, like right after I quit drinking,

I was able to get into a relationship, which kept me like, you know, like I, I got to really explore myself like soberly sexually in that. And then that ended and I'm right back to where I started. I'm, I'm,

I'm seven in seventh grade again scared of sex scared of intimacy scared of being alone with men scared of being alone with women like I have a huge fear of sex and feeling like I owe someone something or they'll fall in love with me or I'll fall in love with them and they'll hurt me it's just the fears I have of it are just, I mean, I've gone on a couple like dates in quarantine, like outdoor dates. And the dread I have before those dates is, it's like nothing I've ever felt. Like I, it's truly so uncomfortable and so miserable and I want to get out of it. And I'm just miserable a couple days before. And, you know, people say it as like a joke, but I would truly rather have a,

like a root canal. I actually enjoy going to the dentist. I don't know why. I think it's the heavy like x-ray vest they put on you, which one time my dentist did tell me I was autistic when I was 10 because I was just like, I had the x-ray vest on the heavy thing. I love this. They feel so good. And he goes, yeah, a lot of autistic kids respond to it that way. That's probably why you, why you, why you like it. And then he left the room and, uh, and I was just, and autistic wasn't a thing I knew about when I was 10. And so I just kept saying autistic so I could remember it and ask my mom later. Cause I was just so excited to have an identity of like, I'm something special. So I was like, like. That you were diagnosed autistic by a dentist.

Yeah. Yeah. And I was sitting there going autistic, autistic, autistic, like as someone who probably is on the spectrum would do. But yeah, I just,

I, I have total fear of, of, of sex, but also want it so bad and am obsessed with it when I get to have it. And so I think that's why I talk about it so much in standup is because we talk about our fears and the things that we want so bad. It's also,

it's also just an endlessly fascinating. So it's just, it's one of the most basic, basic, you know, it's like eating, breathing, drinking, fucking, you know, it's just and and I find like now and I'm not listen, I'm not I'm not one of those people. It's like, you know, I like it better when I'm white man could say whatever he wanted kind of stuff but i find especially now that i'm divorced and i'm single but like just if i make even a joke about horniness it is met with like ew shut up grandpa you know and so which i understand and there's a part of me that thinks like if I didn't know me and I knew like and I liked me.

Yeah, that's that's a funny guy. I liked his work. He's a 54 year old divorce guy. He's on Twitter. And here he is making jokes about being horny. I would go, oh, man, class it up, dad. Come on. Jesus Christ.

Nobody wants to hear that from you because it is like there's just something like like my sexuality is nobody wants to hear about it you know i hear that a lot from people when you know we talk about this like oh yeah it's and i and i do agree with you it's it's there's something about a woman talking about sex that is much more palatable than a man because there's like it's more powerful in a way it's much more palatable than a man because there's like a. It's more powerful in a way. It's you know what I mean? Honestly, it is. It's like men have talked about men can have been able to talk about sex and own sex for a zillion years.

And it's only recently that women can be like, I'm fucking horned up. Let's go. And it's and it's it's an empowering thing. And it's and it's it's fun and it's cool. And it's it certainly is more interesting. We're squirting all over that glass ceiling. of it of saying like i'm here i'm loud i get to do whatever i want now i'm not you know i my mom is super prude and was always telling me you don't talk that way don't i was never allowed to talk the way i talk on stage and it was it was really shamed and i think that it's part of me just the same way when i go home and and when i was living with my parents over the pandemic i my room was a mess it was like this form of a rebellion because i knew it would upset my mom so much. So I think me going on stage and talking

about blowing someone is just like, it's a little dig at my parents and it's not, that's not a healthy admission. And I, I backed away from it. Having that be my instinct is to like upset them. Yeah. Yeah. Do you, are you in therapy? Yes. Right now? Yes. With you? Yes. This is not what this is. This bill, this bill is going to be a motherfucker. I, yeah, I am. I'm kind of in between therapists right now. I went on, I hung out with Whitney for like two days and she like forced her, Whitney Cummings for two days. She forced her therapist on me and I was like, oh, I'll just do this because I want to make Whitney happy. And then I ended up really liking the woman

and she was wanting to do the EDMR, EMDR, the eye movement. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you like hold pulsers. Yeah. So I wanted to do some more focused therapy like that where it like goes in and tackles whatever trauma I have, because I think all of this is, like, really stems from

just having a couple bad instances with guys who, like, came on too strong. Nothing, like, terrible, but, like, my first kiss was pretty rapey, and I, like, had to push the guy off, and he was mad at me, and he drove me home, and he was speeding, and then he pulled off, like, so pissed that he almost ran over me it was like it was traumatic uh to a degree and I think that has led me to always be like okay well if you're alone with a boy they might kiss you and then they'll be mad at you and you'll lose your friend who you were friends with before that and now he won't talk to you anymore yeah so going back and unraveling

those specific things as opposed to just talking to someone every day, which because sometimes you just are seeing these therapists and you go, this is a podcast. Like I would, you know, it really is. I'm no different on podcasts than I am with these people. I'm pretty honest with stuff and on air. And there were a lot of times when I would finish my radio show when I was doing it on Sirius and I would go to my therapist right after and she would go like, thank you so much for telling me that that's like so vulnerable of you. And I really appreciate it. I go, I literally just said that on air like an hour ago. It's like that wasn't hard for me to do. I shared this with America. Yeah. Or at least people in rental cars because it was on Sirius. And so it was it was just I just want to go deeper than just talking to someone.

And Dr. Drew for a while was like, you need to talk to an emotionally focused therapist. So I sought one of those out. And those are therapists that just hear your life story. And then they mirror the emotions that you should feel about that back to you. So they just look at you the whole time like this, just like so sad, like really? And they cry for you because that's what I've been told is I like, don't feel my feelings, which I do know. That's a crazy person.

That's not a therapist. That's a crazy person. It felt that way a lot of times where you have to comfort someone else about them crying about your trauma. Well, what ultimately are you looking for? Like what's your end goal of doing therapy? Just being happy. Yeah.

Just being, being confident in myself, being not, and not getting wildly depressed, like off and on. And I have been able to. Has it been forever like that? No,

it wasn't forever. It started in high school and then it got really bad when when i was like got an eating disorder because it was just you know you're hungry all the time of course you're gonna get depressed and then after that i like a really bad eating disorder i just never recovered and then it would just hit me probably like every couple months and i would just i just felt it coming on it would be like a flu you know but which i don't even get, I don't get physically sick really ever. Knock on wood, knock on wood.

I don't get colds and stuff, but I do get so sick emotionally that I feel like I should be able to call into work. But you really can't call in depressed, even though there are many days I would want to. So now I'm medicated and I'm good, but there are times where I just feel it coming on and I brace. It doesn't ever go as deep as it used to.

But I just it's so scary to me that feeling that you feel when you're super, super depressed. I mean, you have it, too, right? I've had it forever. Yeah, I've had it forever. I've had just like classic old depression. And, you know it was one thing when i was younger and i mean first of all when you're young you're a fucking mess just you know like until you get to be about 23 maybe you're just a fucking mess you're you know

you're a different person every three hours and so there was that time and i was really you know and going away to and just learning to be out on your own like i have a 20 year old son now and he's going through that just like you go from being living at home with mommy and daddy to going out and having to like write checks for rent and oh my god you just said write checks i can can't believe you said that. Well, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? No, no, you're right. That was my biggest fears. I once in the middle of the night, woke up my parents and said, I don't know how to write a check. And I think I was in seventh grade and I couldn't sleep because of it because I knew that was in my future. It was coming. Yeah, it was coming. And I have no clue how to do it. And I knew already we weren't going to be taught that in school and we weren't you know like just those those fears of leaving home I mean I really liked living at home and

being taken care of and feeling safe and I just and I still have those fears I guess and but when you're when you're in it you can't conceive of how you could not be in it you know like you can't conceive of like how am I going to be a grown-up you know like god how am I going to be a grownup? You know, like, God, how am I going to take care of myself? How am I going to? And you just do, you know, like eventually you do. Yes. But it's that, that, that being in it and not, that's when I started to get scared with my depression recently.

Like, especially over this past summer, it hit some real low lows. I was living with my parents and that wasn't even the reason. Thank God I was living with them. Being alone would have been even worse. But I was just, I was entering those states of feeling so, such despair about the world, about my life, about who I was. I'm a fraud, all these things. And then I started like not wanting to get help

because any help would be me living in an illusion. And I know the truth being depressed. I know the truth. And if I get on a pill, it's just going to I'm going to be lying to myself. And I don't want to start to. Yeah. You start to believe the lie, which is, you know, nothing matters. I'm worthless.

I've fooled everyone into thinking I'm talented with all those things and that's when you start to go wait this is like when people think they're Jesus like this kind of delusional thinking of you're right you see everything correctly everyone else is wrong and so that's when I was I really asked for some some help and I was like I gotta get

it despite not really wanting to fix this yeah because it's the it's the brain chemicals it's the it's the brain chemicals it's the mood disorder that's making you think you're shit like because you know even when you as shitty as you can feel about yourself i mean unless you're like a bad person that you know is did a hit and run or something you know i mean if thank god that hasn't happened yet you gave it time but you you you know you're not as bad as you think you are you know you're not as bad as as you beat yourself up and i've always felt anyway beating yourself up and treating yourself and i've

worked so hard in my life to not have that ongoing, you fucking piece of shit. God damn it. Why can't you be better? You know you can do better than this. What the fuck? Oh, there you, what are you going to sit there? That is a luxury. That is, in many ways, you thinking you're really being hard on yourself. You know, like you're really like, I'm the tough dad to myself and it does, but it's not fixing anything. It's just, it's just you're doing this thing that you know you shouldn't be doing. You're behaving in this way that you,

you don't feel is pretty or good and you know, it's destructive. So you're going to be like you fucking piece of shit and then you walk away like you would walk away from a traffic altercation that you think you got the upper hand where nothing really changed you know that everything was is the same but you're walking away from it going like i just kicked my own ass and then you go doing the same shit you know totally that that self--talk is the root of it. And when you're able, and that's what I've been able to do recently

is change that voice and not even yell at the voice who catches me doing it. You know, if I'm going, Nikki, look at you today, you fucking piece of shit. And then I go, don't talk to yourself like that. I don't even say that. I go, isn't that funny that you just talked to yourself like that?

That's just a coping mechanism that you learned. But I've been really much better with the self-talk, which is it changes everything because that really is the root of it. But that's what happens is you yell at yourself for the destructive behavior and you only do the destructive behavior because you're uncomfortable. Like you overeat. You don't. You're you are mean to someone. You snap at someone and you're self-righteous, whatever it is. You're doing that. You know, you're lazy you are mean to someone, you snap at someone and you're self-righteous, whatever it is, you're doing that.

Or you're lazy, you know, you're lazy or, you know. You're doing that because you're dealing with a bad feeling and that's how you're coping with the bad feelings. So adding more bad feelings onto that is only going to result in more of that behavior. And so it's, it's not helping anything. And I just read a book about the way it's called chatter. And it's about the voice in our own heads and it is a new tool i've been using that this guy this neuroscientist uh figured out that if you talk to yourself in third person it it increases your uh output and

the the the value of what you put out there like so much if you just talk to yourself in third person because because it goes back to the thing of you would never talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself yes so if you actually say in your own mind andy uh don't do that andy go uh get get up and go outside you will more likely to do it than if you go i need to go outside and so i've been just uh talking in a lot of third person you know and reminding myself of that seinfeld episode of jimmy and i'm like, Jimmy was on to something. Nikki thinks Jimmy was on to something.

Can't you tell my loves are growing? I also think, and I have had this feeling throughout my life, that the depression is like a fucking alien on the spaceship that's really smart at keeping itself alive. And really, you know, thinks of many, many different ways that you might think, all right, I've got a handle on this. Like, just as a for instance, the beating yourself up, like, that's what I'm doing. I'm really battling this thing. And the depression is sitting there like rubbing its hands together, going like, he, he, he, that's what I want you to think.

Yeah, you're just perpetuating me. You're just making me go on and on and on. And and you have to kind of like. Because also, too, I also find and this is from being around a lot of depressives my whole life, even, you know, like like this imprinting behavior from a lot of people. It's like you can also kind of like soak in it and there's something comforting to it because you just like I'm stuck here. And, you know, and you start to, you know, there's a victim feeling of like, poor me here so sad and I can't do anything. And there again, it's like, it's the depression saying like, you sit right here with me, hon. You know, like I, you know, like, yeah, you might not like me, but you know me, you know how to deal with me. You're comfortable with me because we've been together for so long. And when you have, you know, in the last probably five years I've spent,

I still deal with it. I still have medication, but in so many ways I've become much less depressed, if not undepressed. And, and there's, there's, there was like some feelings of like loss about it. There was like some feelings of like letting go of this part of me that I knew was psychotic. I mean, just, it was just, it was unhealthy. It was a neurosis, but it was like, I, it became, it was like a part of my identity. It was who I was. I was part of me was being sad, you know? Yeah. And I think you hit on so many things there. First of all, talking about, I love the way you're defining depression as like this conspirator in you that's figuring out ways to survive. Because I think that's the thing. We think that we are depression.

Like it is us thinking these thoughts when really it is a disease. I mean, it's, it's some, it's something you can, you need to get rid of. I, I was able to actually get over my eating disorder.

It took a really long time, but the big thing that, that helped me more than anything was I saw a therapist who just told me like, it's, you're not the one who's choosing not to eat. Like, that's not your choice. You have a disease.

Like people get cancer. Like you got infected somehow with this thing. And there's a voice in your head. That's like, think of yourself. Like it's the, you're a, it's the exorcist.

Like you are, you have the devil inside you. And so as soon as I was able to take this thing that felt like me, it felt like, ah, why am I choosing to starve myself? Like I don't alienate my friends and be mad and sad all the time. It took it out of my hands.

And then when I was able to do that, I was able to drop it. And and I think that's the thing is we think that we depression is us and that's who we truly are. And if we lose that, we lose our identity. And also the wallowing that you talked about of just sitting there and being comforted by it. Man, I love that sometimes. And I love listening to depressing music when I'm depressed. I like things that help me feel it more. And, you know, I read a bunch of studies that say that's the last thing you should fucking do is listen to sad music.

You feel like it'll help you express it or get it out. That's not put on, put on a happy mix on, even though that music is so obnoxious when you're feeling sad, but it's, it's pretty much everything you are. It feels like the easy thing to do when you're depressed, don't do, or it feels like the right thing go against that because it's the disease talking. It's not you. Yep. Yeah. I yep yeah i you know i my son's had a real hard year and that's a lot i've been just trying to tell him just do something you know go watch a funny movie and i i'm and you know like my daughter because this is just this year has

just been crazy just like unlike and like you don't even i don't even know exactly how to parent in this shit because it's like it's you know, it's like another planet or something. But just there's lots of like it's it's it can be such a blessing to just distract yourself just to get yourself your focus away from yourself. And and yeah, go for a walk. Change the scenery. You know, go buy a popsicle. You know, just get up and do something. Get out of yourself.

I mean, the thing that I never want to do, but it always helps is calling a friend who you think might need to talk to someone about their problems. Don't call to talk about yours, but call someone and be, you know, as they say in like programs, be of service. Because when you help someone else and listen to someone else's problems, you get out of that wallowing thing. So it really takes you out of it. And I've been journaling recently. I have all these things that are, because you want to stop it in its tracks because you start to feel it coming on. And I'm like, I got to, like, it's

like a migraine almost. If I pop an Excedrin when I feel it coming on, I can beat a migraine. But if I just go, no, I'll get into it later, then I can't get out of it. And so it's like a migraine almost. If I pop an Excedrin when I feel it coming on, I can beat a migraine. But if I just go, no, I'll get into it later, then I can't get out of it. And so it's like this quicksand. So I do journal, I'll meditate, I'll try to like learn a song on guitar or something, like engage my brain in a different way. But the last thing I ever want to do,

but the thing that works the best for me is always like calling a friend that I'm like, I need to call that person. They're probably struggling and ask about their life, but you're just like, I don't want to. But that's usually the best way. Yeah, that is. Yeah, absolutely.

It provides perspective, too. But it doesn't entail for your own self-preservation. You have to keep a healthy stock of crazy people in your life. You have to keep like a lot of fucked up people around. You do. And gratefully depressed people tend to attract those people. I mean, and it's certainly in our business.

We are, it's just, I mean, I, I've, I've seen you post about depression before. And so I, I knew about your history with it and we've talked about it before,

but even if I didn't, I could just assume that you get depressed. I mean, it's like, it's hard to come across someone who doesn't who is uh as as funny as you are and but i was that's what i was going to say about your son is is very and your daughter are very lucky to have a parent who knows that uh knows depression because i have parents who have never dealt with depression so they have no concept of what it is and they can't even imagine that that their daughter who who gets to you know have the life that i have which is seems like a dream life that i was drawn to because i

wanted their attention because they watch tv more than us um that that i could ever feel sad i mean you you're you know you're you're doing annie richter's podcast like I could ever feel sad. I mean, you're doing Andy Richter's podcast. Like, how could you be sad today? Like that kind of thing. Like that's how they would justify it. And it's so hard to articulate, especially when you're in high school dealing with these feelings

and have no concept of where they come from. And they couldn't relate at all. That was really hard. It's not easy to talk to when you're a depressed parent, you know, a parent that's had depression and talk to your kid who is getting depression. Because, hey, you just, you know, there's that feeling of like, oh, fuck. Here's your legacy, kids. Your broken brain. But also, there's a lot of it, having gone through it, is in terms of like we talked about, like something I always say is you can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions.

So you can do things. And then it becomes, well, how can I do that? How can I – I'm sitting here saying I can't do I, how can I do that? How can I, you know, I'm sitting here saying I can't do anything. How do I do that? And the answer as me, like the wise depressed one, been depressed for years is, you just do it. Like there's no magic. There's no, there's no method. There's no crystal.

There's no mantra. There's no crystal. There's no mantra. There's just, you just got to do it. You just got, you got to do it. I think about the, there's some show I watched a really long time ago about someone who was probably like, you know, bedridden, just like a thousand pound person. It was some, one of those documentaries and, and they were beginning a weight loss journey. And you look at someone like that who can't even get out of bed, can't wash themselves and you go, they're going to lose, they're going to work out. And it just started with him going like this with his hands, just back and forth. And that to me is what, just do something, just do whatever this hand flick is

to you. And maybe that's taking a shower. Maybe that's making your bed. Maybe that's getting out of bed for five minutes. I mean, sometimes I'm depressed and I just go downstairs. I eat breakfast and then maybe I'll go back to bed. But at least now that's a nap. That isn't a continuation of the sleep from the night before. Yes, I'm napping now. Yeah, that's exactly it. Like I said, I have been immobilized and I have also taken steps out of it. And what made me take steps out of it was just taking steps out of it. Again, there's like, it's, it, you think, especially when you're in the midst of it, you think, oh, there's gotta be like, you know, like if I could electroshock or there's a supplement I can take and say, no,, it's just the behavior starts to affect the mood. And I'm on medication too.

But that took a call to the doctor. That took you going to the pharmacist. I mean, the hurdles you have to jump through to get medication as a depressed person or an anxious person, it's almost criminal how hard it is to get meds when you're already someone who might struggle with all of the things that stand in the way. Like I get anxiety about insurance companies and like feeling like I'm doing something wrong. Like I have to get through.

It's, it's a, it's a miracle. I was even able to like go to doctors and ask for help. And so those, those are steps in and of themselves, even obtaining medication that you think might be a quick fix, which it, it never is unless they're ADD meds. And then it, yeah, I mean, it, yeah, exactly. And it is, it's a fix, but it's not the whole fix. Like you can't just take a pill and have it go away. You also got to do the talking part. Something that actually helps me is like when I'm feeling good is just making plans, booking things, saying yes to things that I will feel too bad to get out of and to cancel. And so just because that'll get you out of bed, just feeling obligations and feeling deadlines. So thank God for those. I wouldn't do anything like right now. I'm in quarantine. I'm in the Cayman Islands. I'm hosting the show.

I've seen videos of you you and uh Andrew my room and yeah yeah that you guys and I've been wondering because it's like you see you see the window and it's like wait a minute where the fuck are you stuck in this like little condo but you can't leave yeah wow we had so when we got here like nearly two weeks ago that's what they make you do here because on the Cayman Islands they have no covid and so they're and they have no covid because they treat it so aggressively like you land and it looked like a scene from a pandemic movie and and you go oh my god this looks like a movie set and you're like oh wait that's the way it's supposed to look like right they're supposed they test you when you get off the plane and if you leave if i leave and go beyond

the caution tape which is on my front porch, I will be fined thousands of dollars and have jail time. I mean, there's consequences. So, but then in two days, I'm free to wear no mask and just be, it means 2019 again. So it's very exciting, but I have felt very unproductive. I'm working on a show that has no real work for me yet because I'm not like creating it. So I don't, there's nothing for me to work on. I'm working on a show that has no real work for me yet because I'm not like creating it. So I don't there's nothing for me to work on. I'm not I can't do stand up every night. It's great to be able to do these podcasts because this will make me feel productive. I don't know about you, but are you someone that like has to be working and say like I to earn relaxation or like self-care?

You have to like suffer first. No, no, I don't. No, but I mean, i do if i don't do anything for a while and it well and also too for me a huge difference is weed if i don't if i smoke weed which i you know oh my god i'm so glad you brought it up beginning in my the beginning of my in my youth me weed was self-medicating it was was like, I feel bad. Smoke weed. I feel better. But, you know, the problem is, is that you just, you do that in a serial, you know, repeating, repeating way.

It becomes, when I'm not high, I feel bad. So, you know, then it becomes a crutch. crutch. And even to this day now, and especially with the availability of it, it's, you know, it's not like it's killing me, but I certainly, I don't get shit done because I feel okay about sitting on the couch and watching, you know, some like Israeli cop show on Netflix that no one told me about. I just happened to stumble on, you know? And so it's, you know, I, and, and I'm in a period now where I haven't been getting high because, and throughout the, throughout the pandemic that I've been off and on and off and on. And I'll get to be where like, where I'm like, you know what? I could, I could, I deserve a little kickback. And then it's, you know, two weeks later, it's like. Dude, you're telling my life story. I'm

so glad you brought it up because I wasn't even going to bring it up because that is one of the things. It's embarrassing. Exactly. And it's something that you don't want to be associated with being a pothead because in an industry where you're supposed to be on and your best self,

I never want that connotation, even though there are very successful, well-known potheads that like, you know, and that's another thing that makes me. How do they do that? I know. Well, how, how do they do that? I got to say that for me pot, it is the same thing. I self-medicate with it. And I used to feel so such like a drug addict. Like I wouldn't even want to roll joints. I just would smoke it out of a pipe. Cause I'm like, I want it now. Like I don't, I, I need it. Like I felt like a crackhead the way that I would consume pot. Cause I'd need the instant fix. I don't want to eat it. I don't, I, I need it. Like I felt like a crackhead the way that I would consume pot because I'd need the instant

fix. I don't want to eat it. I don't want to wait an hour and a half. I need to feel good right now. And so I, over the pandemic, I mean, I was going in and out of, of, of the same thing you're saying. I'm going to have it as a treat after I get my work done, enjoy the show and go to bed. And then you wake up the next morning.

You're like, it might be fun to have this before I walk my dog. And then it turns into you're high all day. And then you start to feel high when you're not high. That's when you start to feel weird. And I've come around now, I've been off it now for almost two weeks because I couldn't bring it to the Cayman Islands. And I've been trying to get it.

I'm going to be honest with you. I've been trying to smuggle it in. Standing at the caution tape, yo-ho, waving money. That's exactly what I've been doing. I'm just trying. And I have to talk in code words because I don't want to get kicked off the show by getting busted or whatever. But I need it to feel good. I was smoking a lot before I came here and it was just to regulate my mood because my meds are not where i'm still messing with my meds to figure out the perfect balance and i depend on it and i am very productive on weed like but here's the thing i'm productive

in the short term it's like almost like i get hyper focused and i want to clean and i want to write and i want to think of ideas and make plans. And then over time, after smoking daily for two weeks, you start to be depressed because of the weed. And you don't even get that jolt anymore because you grow such a quick tolerance to it. And then you need it to not feel wildly depressed. And so I'm still struggling with it, but I am gentler to myself now about my weed habit. Because I used to go, you're such a drug addict. You're so weak. You can't not go with it for two days.

You're doing it in the morning. And now I go, Nikki, you're in pain right now. And you're in some sort of discomfort. And you, poor you. And this is the only thing you have to turn to because the other things are too dangerous or not available. And this is just what you need right now. You know, you're still a little girl who's sucking her thumb, except that it's a fucking, you know, rubber pipe she got off of Amazon that doesn't break when she drops it every five seconds. And doesn't show up on the airport scanner either.

Yeah. And the fact that it is so ubiquitous now and it's so acceptable i mean when quitting drinking was hard enough with how that is just so accepted in our culture to get shit faced and and yeah and i got over that but now with weed being so like it's good for you it's it's harder to quit than ever because you just you know you pull up twitter and you see seth rogan being like you know seth rogan the prolific seth rogan talking about how he smokes all day and you're like that's i'm him or you see like doug benson who's funnier high than not and can totally function and it's and stays organized all those things and it's like well we're i'm i'm not them but i also realize that weed is the lesser of many evils,

many, many evils for me. So if I need it, I need it. And oh, well. Can't you tell my loves are growing? I was just talking to my sister about this the other day, that there's going to be fallout of the availability of weed because right now it seems it's not as bad as drinking and it's fun. And look at it, you know, all these different ways you can do it. And there's, you know, and then there's also, too, if you're like the type that likes to nerd out on shit, you know, you can there's fun strain names to remember and remember, like, you know, Sativa and Indica and hybrid and what they all which I, you know.

No, they're all the same. It's like the difference between red wines. Like there really is no difference. Blind taste test. Do you know that if people that claim that, like, even like Somalias don't know the difference between when they're blindfolded, a room temperature white wine and a room temperature red wine, you can't tell the difference. It's all bullshit. All of this stuff is bullshit.

I mean, I do think they could do certain stuff with strains, but if you're an addict, which most people who are drawn to these things or have addictive tendencies, you don't give a fuck what kind it is. It's all the same. I just- Well, and also from coming from a, you know, when I, you know, there was never, what kind of weed do you want?

Like, can you get me some weed? Yeah. And it was just whatever you could get, you know? Yeah, how did you consume it around your kids? Because that's the new thing of, like, women are treating it now like wine. Like, it's time for mom's wine, and there's trying to be this culture around it that it's fine to do in front of your kids which i mean i don't know oh i'd never i would never i mean i wouldn't do it in front of my kids right like when when people started having kids of like my age group started having kids and they would talk about getting high but they're like oh but

i'm never high around the kids and then i would secretly be like i'm high around my kids all the time because when they're little it's really fucking boring it's all repetition so for me like when you're like what around my kids it was like uh like i gotta i gotta check something behind the garage go you get high around the garage and then come back out and And then it's just like, Oh, you're going to go up and down that slide again. Okay. Well, the thing is those parents might not be high around their kids and good for them for that.

But the fact that they're waiting for their kids to go to bed until they can have the thing they want so bad and they're fixated on that makes them assholes to be around. If you ever been around someone who wants to get drunk and they't there worse than when they're drinking i yeah but i did feel you know because like there's the yin and yang of everything and the downside i did feel getting high like it and you know sneaking out to the garage and getting high i always i've likened it it's like there's a sneeze guard on my life like i'm with them and I'm, you know, I'm home and we're doing, we're having dinner and then we're watching TV or something. But I also

am off on my own little stoned Island. I also am separate and I am, you know, there's a distance and that's not good. And that's something that like, you know, that was, that was, you know, the part of the sneaking around, even when I, you know, you could, I could legally buy weed, part of the sneaking around was, was me withholding myself from the rest of the people in my life. And it was this way to kind of have this secret little state of, I'm taking care of me, you know, like, you know, I'm feeling good and I'm doing this because I, life is hard. I make money for these people, you know? And, but what I really was doing was, well, yeah. And keeping an arm's length and keeping a barrier between me and everybody else.

Yeah, and that's when you started hotboxing the minivan on the way to school. Bring them in. No, you're right, though. I mean, it all comes back to the lying and the sneaking. You start to have this little – you're like – you feel like it's your own little thing and you deserve this. It's me time. And like it's like a bath or a soothing bath or something. And it's,

it's not the same kind of self care that, that we're supposed to have those feelings about. It's, it really is creating a divide between you. And I mean, at least for me, when I look back on times that it was really high and around my family or something,

and we were sharing a memory about that, there is like that, like you said, like that, that film over it over it where it's like i kind of was there but it almost is like i'm listening to them talk about like i wasn't there there's something off about it it's fuzzy and and i'm not myself but then there are times i have i get stoned and i feel like i'm not myself. But then there are times I have, I get stoned and I feel like I'm more myself than ever. I'm just kinder. And, and, and that's the thing. My mom is fucking awesome when she's high. Like I told her once I was like, you need this. You are, I think you have depression. And I think that weed, it makes you so great to be around. And I was encouraging her to do it for a while.

And now it's to the point, like when she's nice to me, I just go, what, did you have a half an edible? Like I can tell it in her voice right away. And there's resentment there for me. Cause I'm like, oh, just for me, for you to want to call me and be interested in my life or want to tell me how proud of you you are. You have to eat a half a cookie

that your dad's friend gave you last Christmas that you've been hoarding. You know, like that's always, then I start to resent it. So it's tricky. Is that an ongoing thing with your folks that, you know, or is it kind of now part of the, you know, it's like your shtick, you know, the routine among all of you? Um, it's, you know, it's, it's it's you know i've had a long journey with my parents being like fun and partying a lot and my mom and them drinking and then me stopping drinking

and and wanting to be removed from them because of that and and resenting like working on all these resentments in therapy i mean therapy is pretty much you just go and learn how your parents fucked you up and then you learn to like hate them for it. And then you learn to forgive them for it and accept them as they are. And it's a long process. So I'm at that point, especially living with them this past year, where I just, no matter what ways they fucked me up, it has served me. And I can see that now. And they only, they're not evil. They only meant well, they actually, that, that I did my best shit. I always was like, really, you did your, that's, I don't really buy that.

But they love me. And that's, and I've accepted that the things they're not great at is just a product of how they were raised. And I do get frustrated sometimes though and want, and I think I try to with my stand-up and going on podcasts and being so honest is i want them to hear that and learn to be as honest with their feelings as i am because i think it would free them from some of the the things that they struggle with that i you know but you can't make your your parents go to therapy or or talk about their feelings but no um i love them so much and i really am grateful that yeah i'm just in the end

i am so thankful that for the parents i have they really are are awesome and and so fun and and i just like did a reality show with them over pandemic i was living with my parents and i go this is a reality show and that's all the shows i watch is reality it's like that's what i like to watch and i feel like if i was a producer on it, I could control it in a way where I wouldn't look like a housewife, you know, like flipping tables. So I was like, we should do this show. So I pitched it.

And then, you know, by the time I moved out is when they're ready to film it. And I'm like, oh God, I gotta go back and do this. So we just shot a pilot and they were hilarious. And it was in, now I realize I did that because they're gonna be gone someday. And I want to look back and be able to see footage of them and really remember them. And I want to spend more time with them and have a reason to stay in St. Louis and not have to go back to New York or L.A.

I saw a lot of videos online of you guys on Instagram throughout the pandemic. And you can tell that there's a lot of love there and that it's, and like, I, I would, why I watch them like, you know, like excited or not, you know, I don't know. I looked forward to your videos with your folks because a, it's a weird situation, like totally to have to go back home, Jesus Christ, I would. I know. I don't know.

I think I'd sleep in the garage or something. I just, but there did seem, there's just warmth and love and, you know, and you can see that they love you and they are very proud of you. Yeah, they are. And, you know, I. I mean, they're assholes they yeah they they are so proud of me and they like i i realize now like i pursued this because of them like my dad's sense of humor you know my dad was the first one to turn me on to to conan when i was fairly young and was like you got to check out the show and And I always tell this story. But the first time I saw the show, like the stuff you guys were doing, I just felt finally

like understood. Like there's some, there's weirdos like me that laugh, that think like people are doing this stuff. You know, it just, it just, it blew my mind. I just remember the moment in like that I saw the show and then I became obsessed. And so the things he exposed me to shaped who I am comedically. And I want their, I'm constantly trying to get their love and attention and approval, and they love famous people. So like that, and the reality show thing, my mom loves reality.

And I hear Howard Stern talk about how he got into radio because his dad only liked listening to the radio and he wanted his dad's attention. And I realized, oh, that's why I want a reality show. My mom is much more interested in the housewives' personal lives than she is mine. And it almost bothers me that my mom doesn't care that I am not married yet and don't have kids. Like, they're totally fine with it. And I would almost rather her be like, so, do you meet anyone? Like, there's never that push,

which is actually a very nice thing because I don't feel any pressure. And also I want to say like, my parents are my like kids to me. Like they inspire me to work because I want to be able to get them into a really good nursing home someday. Like I'm not even joking.

Like I don't want to, I want them to be able to be taken care of and not get, you know, festering bed sores. So I take gigs. And you sure as shit don't want to be sponge bathing them. Exactly. I don't want to be, you know, whenever they buy new shit in their house, I go, I don't, I'm not going to like, look at that and go, Lauren, do you want this? Do I, I'm going to hire someone to go through all of this shit. Like I cleaned it out now, but the stuff you want me to keep, because I'm going to have someone else do it.

And that's, that's why I work hard is I want money to be able to pay people to do the things I don't want to do. Cause I, you know, but that is, you know, it's not about fame anymore. It's really about, uh, being able to take care of, of my parents. And until I have kids, I just, and I was hearing you talk about to Zach Galifianakis in your podcast with him about having kids and how it motivates you and gives you just a new reason for living. And I really feel like living with my parents and seeing them getting more dependent on me and just,

you know, my eyesight and my ability to lift chairs. It really was like, okay, I'm going to, I got to work harder. I'm going to accept this, this commercial that I don't want to do, or I'm going to go, you know, I got to think, I got to think about how to earn more money so I can afford that bunker because the world's ending soon, you know? Well, I can, I can understand, like for me, when i hear you say like my mom's more interested in the the housewives live than your life it's because the housewives lives are easy like to be worried about your life is like that's real and that's like she's not responsible for the countess

having being bad with men whereas maybe she has a role for me in that. Yeah. Or, and yeah. And if the countess really fucks up who it's like, it's good. It's it's it. Whereas if you really fuck up,

it's terrible. It's painful. It's awful. It's the end of her life in a way, you know, you're so right. I never even thought about that. Honestly.

Yeah. And it's, it's having kids. I thought of it when you were talking about it earlier too too, that, you know, the thing about your. Well, when you were saying, you know, your parents, they did the best they can. Like, yeah, I see what you mean. Like, you got to aim high and like you got to you know, you can't just phone it in when you're a parent. But also the fact is, it's terrifying. You don't know what you're doing a lot of the time. And I, you know, I had, it was, it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I admitted

to my son, cause he's the oldest, everything we went through with you, you were the first one that we went through that. Like you were the first kid that went to kindergarten. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So it's kind of like, you know, and there's times even to this day where I make choices as a parent and go, oh, my God, I hope this is the right choice. Like, I hope I'm not making it worse because and if you're making it worse, like if you make a choice where you hire the wrong roofing guy, your roof will leak and you'll get it fixed. But if you fuck up with your kids. your roof will leak and you'll get it fixed but if you fuck up with your kids well you know elizabeth smart's dad hired a roofing guy who later kidnapped his daughter and took her to the

woods so i was giving you that segue the decision on a roofer could be it can be a fraught one but um no i know what you mean like it's i can't and that is why i don't think i can have kids i mean the number one thing i always say about kids is like, how can you sign up for something that if something happens to them, your life is over? Like you will not be able to recover from that. I mean, that is the biggest risk. And it's so could happen. I mean, kids are stupid.

And there's so many ways now that they can be harmed. You're signing yourself. You're taking such a risk. And I think being a parent is honestly more brave than anything. Me getting up in front of people and talking or whatever. Those things, people are like, you're so brave. You talked about your vagina on your Netflix special. But loving something that much that something could happen and your life would be over and you'd have to live.

It's just, I live it's just I think it's the bravest thing and I don't think I could do it you don't I mean I think generally it just becomes a thing where you know you're you're with somebody and that and it and it just kind of comes on you this feeling of like it's time for us to have a child yeah and I honestly don't think that you think about it that much. Until later. Yeah. Until later.

Until you're ready to make it with someone. Yeah. Yeah. And it is like, you know, and I mean, there's plenty of people that have kids solo and that's totally normal too, you know? Yeah. Everyone got into chess after the Queen's Gambit. Everyone was like, oh, I'm buying. I learned that I really want to get into chess. And I was like, I think I want to adopt an adult child who can just take me on luxurious trips. I was like, that was the first time I was like, oh, you could adopt like a 16 year old. Like, that sounds great to me. Because at that point, they're less likely to like, you know, walk into traffic and stuff like that. And so, yeah, there is a part of me that like wants to adopt.

And I actually, when I was getting ready to talk to you, I called my dad to be like, oh, you know, he might ask about my ancestry, where I've been, where I'm from. And so I asked my dad about like my roots. And my dad was so excited to talk about all this stuff. I go, you know what? The Glazer name is going to end with us because we have no males to keep the name going unless I become a single mother. So now I have even more incentive because now the name could keep going possibly. You know, it's the name thing. I'm kind of like, eh. I know. I know.

It's all just. Aren't you a narcissist, though? Don't you kind of like your last name? Isn't there a part of you that's like. I like it. Well, I know, I know. But it's all just aren't you a narcissist, though? Don't you kind of like your last name? Isn't there a part of you that I like? Well, you know what? Mine is mine is a particular case, too, because my parents divorced when I was four. My mom remarried when I was nine and my stepfather adopted legally adopted me and my brother. So my name from age nine to 18 was Swanson. I was Andy Swanson.

And you went back to Richter. I went back to Richter because my dad asked me to. And I, you know, and I changed it. I'm glad, I mean, I'm glad I changed it back just because it is kind of the reset of what I was born with. Yes. But honestly, I don't, you know, like I think it's like when I hear women change their last name and they're like, when a woman nowadays changes her last name to her husband's name, I think that's bizarre. I think it's insane. It's bizarre.

Like, why is that necessary? I agree with you. There's the extra added thing of like, well, if you have kids, whose name do they have? And I'm kind of like, I don't know if my kids, they, you know, they want to change their last name to Paltrow. They can't,

if they want, you know, I don't care. They'd probably be better off. I'm very resentful of the last name change because especially any girl you went to grade school with, or even college with, you can't find them anymore. If they're married,

they're missing people. You can't find them anymore if they're married yeah they're missing people you can't locate them on facebook so every man that you were friends with back in the day every boy you can still find but every girl you just you just throw in the trash this identity that everyone knew you by and it just it's just so weird it just seems like something we should drop and so yeah okay maybe i can get married and just keep my name i probably would or i'd uh courtney cox are kidding yeah yeah yeah or i i was looking to marry someone with the last name beam so i could be glazer beam or uh or pointer glazer pointer that was always like my goal is to like have a funny hyphenated name uh yeah uh glazer glazer donut would be good yeah okay so if you So if you, yeah, if you know any, uh, Greg Donut, will you hook us up? You know what?

This is supposed to be the three questions and all we've done is just talk about life. Yeah. I mean, where are you from? You said St. Louis. Where are you going? You're, you know, you got a reality show. You might have a kid. You might not. You might a kid. You might not.

You might get married. You might not. Sure. I just want to be happy. That's where I'm going. That's what I want. I want to find serenity. And what I've learned is...

You want to find some weed in the Caymans. Yes. You know? If you know anyone. That's where you're going. Yeah. And then what I've learned, I think we definitely covered that. Talk to yourself in third person if you want to get things done. Be gentle

to yourself. And podcasts are like therapy. I'm actually in the midst of starting a new podcast that will be out, I believe, by the time that this airs. I have a new podcast called the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's going to be a daily

podcast, Monday through Thursday. It's going to be a daily, a daily podcast Monday through Thursday. And, you know, it's wherever you want to find your podcast, the Nikki Glaser podcast. It's yeah. And it's just like a day we're going to go through headlines and just quick fun.

I'm trying to like create a morning radio show vibe, but a podcast version. And you know, like that's a great idea. And the more I'm in, you know, this business as a woman on screen getting older i just like hair and makeup really stresses me out and looking

a certain way so i just kind of came up with the idea a couple years ago of like i'm gonna start getting good at at radio and podcast because that you can really age into so and my voice already sounds like a 65 year old woman who so it's it's it's something i can grow old into so it's yeah this is um i it's i'm very excited about it so daily the nikki laser podcast monday through thursday wherever you get your podcasts yeah as as i get older in this business i feel like yeah i wouldn't be so bad if people weren't looking at me. Not true at all. Well, Nikki, I love you. I love you. This was really fun.

And I'm glad your quarantine is coming to an end. Me too. Enjoy yourself. Get some shells braided into your hair. For sure. I'm looking forward to having my first puff of marijuana after this two weeks.

My tolerance is so down. It's going to be so fun. And then in three days, it'll be real sad again. But it was great to talk to you about all of this. And thank you so much, Andy. You're welcome. Thank you. And thank all of you out there for listening.

I will be back next week with more Three Questions. The Three Questions. producers Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Make sure to rate and review the three questions that Andy Richter on Apple Podcasts. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.