The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Skyler Higley: All Wild Cards! (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

Comedian Skyler Higley (CONAN, After Midnight, The Onion) joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week for our very first All Wild Cards episode (cue the air horns)! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories about John Wayne Gacy’s American Express card, getting paid not to bathe, visits from psychedelic elves, a spur-of-the-moment move to Brazil, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Hello! This is the Andy Ritter-Collins show. We have a special wildcard version of the show today, which means there's no topic. Anything goes. You just tell us a good story and we'll talk about it and by we I'm referring of course to my guest host today I'm very happy to have him here Skyler Higley. Hi. Hi. Hi thanks for having me. Very funny stand-up comedian for those that don't know which I mean there's got to be at least three. There's at least three. Yeah, yeah. Very funny stand-up comedian, comedy writer, formerly for the Conan O'Brien show. All COVID though, wasn't it? It was all COVID. Remember that little window, that tiny window where they said we could go outside? Yeah, yeah. The last little run. That was when I was like, oh, COVID is over and life is going to

get good after this because we had all those live shows at Largo and then everything shut back down again for like a couple more months. Yeah, no, you were just, you were a Zoom presence. You were writing on the show, but I had never met you face to face. And I gotta tell you, when I did it, underwhelming.

Underwhelming. Well, it's the smell. It's the smell. It's palpable. It is. Yes. It's like if Fritos could cry. Yeah. I'm not even sure what that means. But you're also, you wrote for the Onion. I did. Which is just, thank God for the Onion. Yeah, that is a it's a national treasure And you're currently writing for I still want to say at midnight. I'm sure yeah, you know, but it's after midnight It's now after midnight. Yeah, the first one and it and it and it is it is it starts because of like network commercials and stuff The last version did start at midnight, but this one starts at 12.37 if you're watching on CBS. So it is after midnight.

Well, wait, I thought it would start at, wouldn't it start at 12.30? Cause isn't it on after? Yeah, but it's, I know 12.37 because of, I guess, commercials, I think. That's what I hear. And I totally watch it live all the time. So I know.

Why would you want to miss a minute of the show that you spend doing? That I already watched earlier in the day, unedited? Yeah, no. I used to early on in the early days of Conan when I'd be out somewhere, like at a bar, well, it'd be a bar because it would be late, and it would be on the TV. I would almost like, you know, like do a double take,

like what the fuck am I doing up there? What is it? Oh my God, that thing goes out in the world? Yeah. It is strange. I saw in an airport, I don't even remember when it was, it was right around when we were finishing Conan and I saw it on, in an airport, in the lounge, you know?

And it was one of the episodes that I had worked on, and I was very thrown off because I had never seen it out in the world before because it was COVID. So I was like, oh wow, this is on TV. Yeah, yeah. This is places. Right.

It was very strange. The new level of weirdness, and it just happened to me because we're here at the Sirius XM Studios and there's a Best Buy across the street I got here early and And I went to Target and then I popped into Best Buy and right there by the front door There's a giant Samsung TV with Conan O'Brien's face on it because they part of their

You know that if you buy a Samsung TV, there's an all Conan network Which is I don't know do I ought to get a piece of that. I need to get to it. Because I'm in those things. You definitely need to get a piece of that. Yeah, damn it. Listen, we gotta cancel this show. We gotta call Andy's lawyers.

Yeah, and I gotta check, because I'm probably missing out on 30 or 40 Samsung cents. Yeah, or at least a free one of those TVs. They didn't even send you one? No. Dang. No, I get nothing those TVs. They didn't even send you one? No. Dang. No, I get nothing. Wow.

So anyway, this show, you know, we just, have you heard this show? I don't care if you haven't. I have not, Andy. Okay, that's all right. I'm so sorry. I don't mind. It's satellite radio.

And... What is radio? It is like a video, like you know how sometimes when you're out in public and you wanna watch a video, but you don't wanna turn the volume up? So you just like turn up real low and you hold it next to your ear.

So you're not looking at the video, but you can hear it. It's like that. Okay, I understand. But this is, today is a, this is the first time we've done this. And we, you know, every time we have a topic of some kind, and today, no topic. We are calling it a wild card show.

Whoa, yeah, now we have our wild, we have our wild card sound effect. Awesome, that's perfect. Love that. Yeah, yeah. Because we had one, here, I'll do a reenactment from the live show that we just did with Mike Sweeney. Hold on Mike Sweeney, we've got a wild card.

See that's what we're going to do from now on. Gotcha. Nice. Yeah, and I'm going to do it for every call probably this time. Love that. But, so yeah, so if there's any sort of Crazy story anybody out there has I actually did just as a for instance a wild card thing Just damn I was talking to my sister on the drive in here and we somehow got on the topic of

Ayahuasca love and and she said that early that a friend of hers that lives in LA, when ayahuasca started being a thing in LA very early on, that she has, not a friend, but an acquaintance that she knows, this friend of my sister's, who did an ayahuasca trip, like in his pool house, passed out, but passed out like in sort of like a, sitting on his knees kind of position. I'm sure there's a yoga thing for it. Sitting on his knees, passed out, the shaman left, left him there.

You can't. He was over, he was in a squat, like praying kind of thing, for eight hours, he had to have his legs amputated below the knee. No. Because they had atrophy. For eight, wow.

Because the blood was cut off for eight hours. Oh my gosh, wow. I'm, I don't know, I feel like that's gotta be apocryphal. And I even like Googled like legs chopped off because of ayahuasca. And I only found things where people with phantom limb syndrome find hallucinogenics can relieve the symptoms of phantom limb syndrome.

I mean, which is a great reason to fucking get high. You know? You'll be like, oh, they're back. I need DMT because I can feel my pinky that's missing. Yeah, let's get rid of it. I need to get this out of here. Gotta get these ghosts out. Wow, that shaman must have left to find the guy's soul.

I assume, or just like, he's passed out, I got my money. I've had enough explosive diarrhea and puking. Your shaman named Jeff. Yes, anyway. Yeah, Iowaska's not for everyone. Any crazy stories off the top of your head? Well, your ayahuasca thing did make me, because I've done ayahuasca a few times,

and there have been. Well, tell me, do you like it? Well. Is it valuable? It was valuable, I feel like it helped. Because I like getting high, but I don't want to shit my pants. Well, I never shit my pants.

A lot of people did. I did not ever shit my pants. I didn't even throw up that much. I only did it a couple times. And when you do it, it feels really good. You're like, yeah, get that out of me. But, because you know, you don't want to hold on to it. I don't have anything to do with it. Exactly.

It's got no monetary value. Oh, why would I keep that? Right. But I do remember, it's interesting because you are in the ones that I did value, oh, why would I keep that? Right. But I do remember, it's interesting because you are in the ones that I did where in like a whole group session kind of thing where you're going around a room and it can get

like sort of group therapy-ish. And I remember there are times where, based on how long ago you've taken it, like there will be a full room of people like throwing up and shitting their pants and it'll be like a whole orchestra of weird human sounds, which is terrible, if you're not like feeling it.

And sometimes it's like not hitting you hard enough. So you're just in the room while everybody's throwing up. We were like, oh, I wish I would blast off into space right now, because I do not want to be here. This does not feel like the path to enlightenment. Yeah, and then suddenly there will be like a golden bird and you'll be like, okay, I guess I'll ride on the back of this thing.

Oh wow, so you actually did, did you hallucinate things? Oh yeah, I've hallucinated a lot of stuff and I'm not somebody, cause like a lot of people, they'll do it and then they'll be like, oh this is what happened, this is what I believe, I traveled dimensions, I blah blah blah, but it's like I took a thing that was affecting my brain.

Right, exactly. So I can't fully buy into that. You didn't really go anywhere. Right, but I've definitely seen, like there was a time when I thought that I had traveled dimensions and lived another life for a little bit, and then come back.

I remember my first time doing it, I saw these like, I kind of was in my own brain and I saw these like little beings like kind of like constructing stuff. And I remember asking one of them like, hey, what's your name? And it was like, oh, my name's Juan. And I was like, your name is not Juan.

You're like a hyperdimensional being somewhere else. It's like, yeah, I'm Juan. And it's like, no, my name's not Juan. You couldn't understand my name. And then it went away and I was like, okay. So that's what this is. It's an interesting time. I'd recommend it.

That's a rude thing to say to an interdimensional being. I know. No, that's what this is. It's an interesting time, I'd recommend it. That's a rude thing to say to an interdimensional being. I know. No, that's not your name. That's not your name. It just felt like something he threw, the way that it was said to me, it felt like something that was just thrown out there, and I was like, I don't, that's not, whatever.

You're just getting that from my brain. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's really interesting because you are like, there is this sense, at least of me, of playfulness and jokingness that comes out of it, but that also just might be how my brain works. Or you might be very racist and just any construction

is done by someone with a Latin name. Oh, yeah. Oh, you must be Latinx. You must be. I know. Because you're constructing things. You're building something. So yes.

Yeah. Yes. You're a tradesman. Of course. Yes. All right. Well, let's go to the phones. We've got our first wild card call.

Jimmy from Ohio. Hi, Jimmy. Oh, hey, howdy. Yeah, wow. What an honor to be on the show. Oh, thank you so much. You got Andy. It's we're honored.

We got Andy Richter. You got Skyler Higley I'd to be honored to meet you and we are We are ready to react on behalf of all Ohioans. I like to apologize for JD Vance You know like a fast track to the dystopia Right, well, isn't it more, you know, like a fast track to some dystopia? I know, I know. But you guys, you gave us Chrissy Hynde, so you know. Yeah, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Yeah, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Yeah. Yeah, well that's cool. That's a good, well yeah, it kind of segues into this question I'm going to ask you, but first let me give you some stats real quick. From Ohio alone, we've produced eight presidents, including of course Grant and Jimmy Garfield, among others, and then 26 astronauts, most notably John Glenn and Neil Armstrong, and some serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer.

He's from the south of Cleveland, I believe. So the Midwest produces the most presidents, astronauts, comics, and murderers. Yeah. Why is that? I think it sounds like people are really trying to find something to do in Ohio. That's what it sounds like to me.

It's like, I gotta do something with this because there is nothing going on here. Well, I mean, I also think also think like because you've also well not Ohio but and I'll see you Dahmer's very convenient for you because he's from Ohio, but he did you know, really Wisconsin can claim him too Because that's where he did all his all his you know Killing and eating right? Yeah, but yeah Yeah you know, killing and eating. Right, yeah. But yeah. I think it's how Ohio and North Carolina fight over

who was the first in aviation, because you know, they flew the plane down there. Oh right. Right, brother, they're from Dayton, right? Yeah. Right, right. Same kind of thing. See, and I think all of this, you know, like a lot of this is older stuff,

because now I feel like the Pacific Northwest is the real, like when I'm watching True Crime, you know, if I come in and my wife is watching it and I don't know where the place is, where the murders took place, I'm like, PNW? And she's like, yeah, yeah, it's in Oregon. I think maybe the Midwest got it out of their system,

you know, because it's like, well, we gotta do this at these, because where is John Wayne Gacy from? Oh, he's from Illinois, he's from the suburbs. That's what I thought. Chicago suburbs, yeah, definitely. Because I knew somebody who knew somebody who got killed by him. Really?

Yeah, somebody's, you know, friend of somebody's brother or something like that, they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But my first TV appearance was on an episode of Hard Copy playing a gasey victim. Oh, wow. That was my first TV appearance. Wow. Yeah.

That's crazy. Yeah, it was pretty cool. And when it premiered, which was like at three o'clock in the afternoon, cause that's when Hard Copy was on in Chicago, we got together at a bar. Because it was a bunch of, a friend of mine was the production coordinator for the out of town company that came in to do the Hard Copy episode,

and they needed a bunch of young male victims, and my friend was involved with the Annoyance Theater so it was all kinds of, it was all improvisers getting murdered. Yeah, wait, so this was hard copy, I'm assuming not a comedy show. No, it was a reenactment show. Oh, so you were the... It was, yeah, so I was the demonstration of the rope trick. Gotcha.

Which he would, which was one of his things that he would do to kill his victims. He'd say like, because he was a magician and a clown and an artist. Yeah. You gotta respect him. And he would say, you wanna see this trick? It's a rope trick and here I put it around your neck and then it's like, hey, you're strangling me. Or I think there was like some, he'd demo it on himself and then it would like-

And was that the line? The, hey, you're strangling, was that the line you had to say? Hey you're strangling me. I had no line. Oh okay. And I was like put into slow-mo with like kind of like, you know like turned into negative and it like blurred. Yeah brightly exposed.

As I'm getting, yeah, as I'm getting choked. And when we shot it too, we shot it at a house like around the, because his house was leveled and a new house built. But it was around the corner from his house for some reason like, yeah, let's shoot. Like we could have shot anywhere. It's just suburban Chicago, but we're like a block away.

And they found a guy who wasn't even an actor, but a dead fucking ringer. So all day, it's like all of us, like a bunch of young men sitting around with just a dead fucking ringer. So all day, it's like all of us, like a bunch of young men sitting around with just a dead ringer for Gacy, blocks from where it was. I'm imagining that casting where it's just like, hey, you got kind of a Gacy look.

You ever wanted to be on television? Yeah, yeah. You know what? I bet a pederast would love you. Yeah. But also somehow be enraged by you and want you dead. But what I started to say was we went to watch it at a bar and there were a couple, for some reason, a couple of cops, suburban cops that had been

on the Gacy case were there. And one of them says to me, hey, you wanna see something? And he goes into his wallet and where one of them says to me hey you want to see something and he goes into his wallet and where one of his credit cards would be was John Gacy's platinum AmEx and he's like yeah I lifted that off of him yeah like John Wayne Gacy on an AmEx like do you think he ever pulls it out at a restaurant and just kind of put it out just to see what happens? Because I feel like it would be a fun prank.

Yeah, if showing his badge doesn't get him out of traffic tickets, he just shows the Gacy Amix. So, all right, Jimmy, you got anything else? So I'm actually an out of work tech writer. I was laid off last year. I spent the past year you know writing bad poetry, speaking lots of weed, that kind of thing. So I've had to do a lot of things to make a book, right? Yeah. Including being a research study participant where it's kind of the anti-porno really it was I had to not

wash the area around you know the down below your crotch for you know yeah yeah we talking about hole or urethra as as my four-year-old calls it her privacy yeah yes I had the jewel of the Midwest. Yeah, I had to not watch the Dayton area. Right, right. And yeah, sorry Dayton. But, so anyway, so yeah, I found it was like three to seven days, right? And then I had to go back and they would, you know, test out, you know, whatever product they were cooking up, whether it's like an antibacterial, you know, test out, you know, whatever product they were cooking up, whether it's like an anti-bacterial, you know, soap or, or a deodorizer or whatever. Right, right.

So this time, they had given me like these, I'm a fat guy, by the way, I'm like 300 pounds, right? Okay. Well, 5'10 on a good day. So I'm not like, so I'm really selling it here. No, no, we get it. And it is relevant, because I'm a fat guy too, it is relevant to crotch hygiene. Well, Jimmy, I mean, you really didn't need to say that because you did already say you are from Ohio. So I made a assumption. Oh, Skyler.

Come on. Oh, Skyler. I lived in Illinois. I can say it. So anyway, so yeah, so you got, we're talking folds and pockets. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But, so whatever, I did my best, you know, to, yeah, by the rules or whatever, the instructions, I should say.

And the part I didn't realize was that to test the product that they would have to shave my gooch basically. Right. So yeah, and it was two young, like 20 something year old ladies, you know, who were like just in undergrad, I would assume, you know. Oh, wow. Probably worked a lot part time. Yeah. And it was, I didn't, you know, like I felt bad for them

cause that would, that has to be a nightmare really. Yeah, but you gotta figure, you gotta figure that like, unless you're their first day at work, that, you know, they've seen things. At this point, yeah, you're just, you're, you're nothing special. Sorry, hun, that's just the way it is. And you're just another gooch.

And I will say, yeah, just another gooch, at first of many gooches. And even if you were something special, that is a learning experience for them and very valuable. So you could have also, you could either think of it neutrally or positively, that you could be a V-I-G, a very important gooch. A memorable gooch, A gooch to remember.

That's gonna be my next tattoo. Okay. Yeah, that could be your next poem even. So anyway, I'm not fully erect. Get to the point where the women start shaving you. No, I don't actually remember much after that. It was kind of traumatic really. You didn't have a-

Was it? Now, did you have to like lay Now did you have to like, lay- Did you have to like, lay on your back with your legs up like a baby getting your diaper changed? Yes, actually that's 100%. I fucking knew it. If I were closer to Skyler we'd be high-fiving. Hahaha. I don't know if you've ever actually seen these but like,

Yeah, they gave me like these purple-ish looking-ish looking disposable underpants that I had to wear. Oh, I've seen them. But they're like, fetal types, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They're really weird. Yeah, then they are like, kind of paper. And this was for testing of some kind, right? This was, you were doing experiments on you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like medical, what the hell is it? Yeah, medical testing, yeah. Okay, gotcha. Or could it have been one of those ones that it's like, medical testing, yeah. Okay, gotcha. Or could it have been one of those ones that it's like sort of a psychological thing? You know when they tell you they're doing something else and then it's like, actually we're psychologically testing how embarrassed you get if you get shaved by 20 year olds.

This just, yeah, can you get it up? The most humiliating situation. This seems more like product research. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's just like a new... Yeah, yeah. This does remind... This reminds me of, and this isn't my story and I won't say who it was, but when I worked on a movie once in Florida, you can look it up. You can figure it out if you've, if you're up on my filmography people out there.

But one of my co-stars in a final scene, he's like a buff cop, and in the final sort of credit scene, you see that he becomes a male stripper. And he has to, so he like bursts out onto a stage wearing a G-string. So he, for the movie, has to go so he has, he like bursts out onto a stage wearing a G string. So he, for the movie, has to go and get waxed. For the movie. And apparently got, and they put, I don't think they have one for men, but for women,

I guess, there's just like this little modesty waistband that has basically like a cocktail napkin that hangs down, doesn't attach to anything. It just sort of would alight on the mons if to be delicate about it. And he apparently from all the, he hadn't been home for a while and said that he was lacking in attention down there. He got an erection.

Oh, that's embarrassing. Yeah, and that, of course, it just flipped the cocktail napkin right up. But he said that this very competent middle-aged Latina just took it in stride and he said actually was like elbowing it out of the way, as if it was a stick shift. Like just, there you go, and then rip.

Elbowing is, I think that's pretty complimentary if she's going whole elbow. You can't see the object work I'm doing, but I'm fully... He's fully, yeah. He's getting it out of the way. Wow. Well, Jimmy, you've inspired a lot of conversation. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Well, yeah. Thank you so much.

Yeah, no, it's been a pleasure. All right. And good luck on the job, Han. I know it's shitty out there. Yeah, it's really rough. Man, it's terrible. Yeah. And thanks for apologizing about JD Vance.

Yeah, and thank you for apologizing for... It's appreciated. It's not necessary, but it is definitely appreciated. Yeah, it's a Midwestern thing, I think. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is. Thanks, Jimmy. All right, let's go to our next caller, JD Vance. Wait, it's a Midwestern thing, I think. Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Jimmy. All right, let's go to our next caller, JD. Wait, wait, hold on.

I just think that women should be buried alive. Some couches are really sexy. The couch thing. Oh, the couch thing. It's so hack and so lame and so untrue, but it's just like... It's just a silly thing to have. Oh well. Let's go to our next wild card caller.

Mitch from Chicago. Hello. Hi Mitch. Skylar and I are both from the Chicag land area. So it's a real homecoming here Heck yeah, I just want to say real quick. I want to blow some smoke Skylar's way So you had nannies last year you were you were damn good my friend. Whoa. Thank you Yeah, yeah, Skylar's very funny. I am a funny guy Very funny. I am a funny guy.

They say that. Oh yeah. Yay! Oh, you're really jacking it up today. Yes. Apparently SiriusXM opened the purse strings and bought us two sound effects. That's way bigger than the crowd was at Sabanese, but.

And more appreciative. Yeah, way more appreciative. All right, Mitch. I was the hyena laugh in the crowd. I have a piercing laugh that you can probably hear sometimes. Yeah, I have one of those too. People are always like, I could hear you laugh, and like, well, that's better than the other two.

You know what? I have one too. When I'm laughing loud, we'll be in the room writing something, and the other writers will be, we might break up sometimes. And if I'm laughing at something, people will always go, my laugh is the one, because I hit a high register when I'm laughing hard. So my laugh is always the one, like, oh, sounds like you guys were having fun in there.

Yeah, it's bad. Yeah, there are episodes of the old show Mr. Show that I can tell that Jeff Garland was in the audience. He has a very specific laugh, you know. So anyway, Mitch, tell us your wild card story. Thank you very much. So this, let me set the scene here. I'm coming out of a long time relationship in college.

I live in Chicago, so of course, I'd just gotten a new job to my first job out of college, so I had disposable income. I'm drinking, you know, beer every day, playing a lot of FIFA, eating, you know, Italian beef, burgers, that kind of thing. But looking for love, looking for love. And I met this young lady. We had been out on a couple of dates, and it was like date three, and I was like, hey,

let's go out to dinner. And she pulls to dinner and she pulls an audible and she says how about you come over to my house instead we'll watch a movie. Is this a first date? This is a third date. Third date, okay yeah because that's usually when the fucking starts. Right yeah and so I'm excited I'm like you know and I'm feeling a little schlubby too like I've you know I put on some weight but so I'm feeling a little schlubby too, like I've put on some weight. But so I'm very happy about this. Roughly the same time, my parents give me a juicer.

Cause then I'm kind of dumb and I'm thinking, this is how I get back into health is I just drink juice and that's it. Which I've since learned is not the way to do it. But so the same as that day is the third day. Eating 12 beats at once is not really doesn't equal health right no no and and my initial juice did have it was beets carrots spinach celery you know probably apple something like that so a very

flushing mix for sure now you're saying that you're you're I know where you're leading me and and I and you're giving me every indication that I'm right. Yes, yep. And so I get ready for this date and I met this young lady at a Halloween party. I was dressed as Jessie from Breaking Bad and I gave her like a little bag of blue rock candy and was like, hey, you wanna get high?

Like that kind of thing. Oh, nice. Mitch, do you have swag? Are you like a guy that's got swag? I'll say this, not sexual swag but personality swag? Yes, absolutely. I'll say that. Alright. Yeah, I was raised in a Catholic household so you know you respect people, you have boundaries, that kind of thing. So I'm on the way to the date, I'm in a cab, the cab driver asked me what's going on. I'm like guess what, third date, she asked for the movie in, you know, all signs are green here, and he's like wow that's awesome buddy, you know, good luck tonight.

And I go to this young lady's house and she is, I found out she is like in the top.5%, she lives in one of those buildings like just east of Second City in Old Town where it's like 30th floor overlooking Lake Michigan. There's an exterior elevator so you can see outside and you're going up the elevator, it's very classy. Yeah, she's 23 and she also has like a chauffeur, literally her parents paid for her to be driven

at that old time. Oh my God, okay. Oh my God, right? Yeah, and so I get there and she's got pizza's got pizza waiting, you know a beautiful Caesar salad, you know, so we're eating Roommate her roommate is her cousin there. She comes out of room She says I am going to Starbucks to study for grad school tests. I will be back at 1 a.m. She mentions like twice. So I'm like all the signs are you know, again indicating green? Yeah, and we're eating pizza and we're getting to know each other.

Turns out I found out her family has a house in Martha's Vineyard. She's made hummus with Tom Hanks before. Her mom makes Merrill Streeps like olive bread recipe or something. These all sound like euphemisms. Yeah if you know what I mean. Yeah yeah. Sounds like she's in the drug trade. Yeah. So then this chick, she makes Meryl Streep's olive bread for me, if you know what I mean. I got to look that up on Urban Dictionary. Okay, so go ahead. This is a fancy pants girl. Fancy pants girl. And I'm a middle lower class boy from Minnesota originally. So I'm like, and also I studied some film in college, love movies. I'm just, I'm a middle lower class boy from Minnesota originally. So I'm like, and also I studied film in college,

love movies, I'm thinking do this 45 more times and I'm meeting Hanks on the Atlantic. Play your cards right. Unfortunately I am gonna tell you that I am already pitching this story to a lot of production companies around so just so you know I'm stealing this from you. He's been on his phone the entire time you've been talking. The whole time, texting my manager.

Yeah, yeah. Do I have a story for you? Small town boy, the girl who pulls up Zendaya's pants after she takes a shit. Nope. Nope. Ha, ha, ha. Did I mention she's wearing like a white cashmere sweater too?

Okay, I mean she's just out outclassed me at every turn right but So we're eating pizza and she's like the movie I want to watch tonight is Rango the Johnny Depp 2011 animated movie. Oh, yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah So Ringo starts and you know, we're you know, Johnny does his weird Hunter S. Thompson, old West whatever accent bullshit. And 50 minutes in, my stomach, it lurches. It lurches real hard. And I go, ooh, okay, yep, excuse me.

You know, so I go to the restroom and I have, you know, it's rainbow colored, it's fast, it's violent, it's quiet. Paint in the bowl. I'm like, thank God. colored, it's fast, it's violent, it's very quiet. Painting the bowl. Thankfully, I'm like, thank God. Yeah, yeah. Vengo-esque. Gret, yeah, so I get back to the couch, get back under the blanket, we're cuddling,

you know, our feet are talking to each other. Wait, wait, wait, wait a second, wait a second. I wanna stop you. So you went and you emptied yourself out and then you said, I gotta get back, Mitch, you gotta get back in the game, and then you immediately went back to go like, all right, I'm still ready for it. Let's make out.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. The confidence. I don't have any, that's what I would attempt too. And I would hope I was emptied out, but I bet that's not where this story's going. There's a part two.

Yeah. Yeah, so, and to be fair, the makeup hasn't happened yet. Normally, you know, I feel like I like to wait 30 minutes, make some comments on the films, maybe say something impressive. You mean 30 minutes after the explosive diarrhea? Yeah. That's probably a safe bet.

Yeah, that's first base. Right. Yeah. Even if she goes in for a kiss, you just pie face her away. Like, no, not yet. Baby, I haven't had my diarrhea yet. Okay, so anyway, so you get back under the blanket. Yeah, so I'm back under the blanket and things are going well.

And then she's like, you know, excuse me, I'm gonna go change quick. I'm a little warm, change out of pants into some, you know, little booty shorts. And I'm like, yeah, great. This is we're solid here. Everything's feeling good. 10 minutes later, again, the bells chime in the stomach one more time. I'm like, I'm so sorry excuse me I go back to the powder room and I'm on the toilet and this time I discover I realize this and the bathroom is right off the

living room as well and I discover the door for whatever reason has like little vents in it like near the bottom. Lovers yes. I don't know why. Right. Yes and so I realized she can absolutely hear me just unloading on her toilet. Yeah. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. And so I'm like, so what are you doing that? I can't like play music on my phone. So I think I look at the sink.

So I throw both hands. Yeah, you turn on the water. That's a classic move. I'm gonna wash my hands for 30 minutes. Or I hope nobody notices. The other thing is a coughing fit, but honestly it's hard to time a cough with, you know, it's like, you really have to be like a swami

to figure out how to have control over both ends like that. Yeah, and it's tough to cough for like 45 seconds straight. Right, right, right, right. Like it's not easy to go. Yeah, because a cough, you clench, you tend to clench when you cough. So I'm gonna work on that tonight. Yeah, yeah, try it.

So anyway, so well, I do wanna say Mitch, she just on her, I don't know where this story's going, but it does occur to me that a mark in her favor is that she heard that and then went and changed into booty shorts. So it was not like stopping her. She, you know, I like this woman. She's like, look, it happens to everybody,

and you know, I heard him wash his hands, so let's do it. And she's willing to watch Rango, so I think that her standards must be pretty low. Right, exactly, exactly. Yeah, yeah, she's definitely giving me, yeah, she's definitely giving me grace at this moment. But so, I throw in the sink, but this is when it really hits home,

like how wealthy she is. She has one of those sinks that are whisper quiet, like no matter how hard the water's on, it pools just gorgeously in this like big old egg bowl. And it's just like, oh god, my, and then my confidence is just, you know, like watching the water go down the drain, like it's just a perfect metaphor for, you know, my, just everything about me right at that moment. And so I go back out there sheepishly and Turns out then all of a sudden, you know, she wants to lay out

She doesn't want to be underneath the blanket with me anymore. Yeah, that makes sense. And I'm like, that's fair. That's fair and the movie continues and It's every 15 minutes every 15 minutes. I have to go use the restroom and Don't you say like listen, I know you go use the restroom. And every time I hear- Isn't there another, don't you say like, listen, I know you've heard the horror that's happening. May I please go use the facilities further away? I have until 1 a.m.

She can't only have one bathroom. She's got a whisper quiet sink. Right, no kidding. Well, so I was, I didn't know her that well. I was, that would have been a really good thing to do if I was more confident at this point I was I was too scared to ask for anything else I'm assuming her bathroom error her bedroom and her roommates bedroom, you know head-on suite I'm just gonna write that's what it was. It's a cost. Yeah, and it would be sort of the implicit question would be I

Don't want you to hear me have diarrhea can I go have diarrhea in your personal space right yeah yeah and so the next time in there you know I'm hearing Johnny Depp like be like oh I'm Ringo wherever you know he's weird and he did and just like all the dirt's water is gone you know all the all the old west animals that are yelling and whatnot. And every time I come back from the bathroom, she gets farther and farther away from me on the couch. Oh.

And by the end, she had a wall built of like, she had those pillows that are like Creighton barrels, like mohair and there's beads all over them. Yeah, yeah. And it looks like you bought them in Morocco or something. And why the fuck do you have pillows that you can't lie on? Yeah. Well, yeah, that too. it looks like you bought him in Morocco or something why the fuck Yeah, well, yeah that's true

And so it's just shameful and I everyone I've told many a friend this story And this is why didn't you just leave like you should just laugh that I don't know good Yeah, maybe yeah, maybe the second one. Maybe like I I mean, I don't know I don't know but it starts to feel like I mean, I don't know, I don't know, but it starts to feel like, let me run down to Piper's Alley and really just kind of unload this at the second city bathrooms. Look, that's your personal thing.

Yeah, that's my thing that I like. That's your kink. No, they have decent bathrooms if you really want to get away. That's my tip to everybody living in Chicago. Well, so Mitch, what happens? I was legitimately afraid that just walking two blocks or getting in a cab, I was just going to shit myself.

And then it would be an even worse mess. So I was kind of like, at this point, it's like she already sees me for what I am, just this disgusting, leaking juice monster. And so I'm like, I'm just going to continue to do this. But again, I misguided you. I don't know. The movie ends. It says, you know, directed by Gore Verbinski. She turns it off immediately and just like stares at me. And I'm like, oh, she

wants me to go. And I stand up and I put on my coat. And again, this is just what happened. I waited being like, okay, goodbye. Like waiting for a hug. And again, this is just what happened. I waited being like, okay, goodbye, like waiting for a hug. And she came over and did like ass out hug with me, you know, as far as way she could possibly do it. And, and I, so then I leave her apartment, I go back down this beautiful elevator and it's snowing out of December. And I'm like, it's really beautiful. But man, this is really depressing. Like it's, it's the last time I'm gonna see her I'm almost positive and three days goes by and she texts me that grads qualifications are just so intense right now and she doesn't think she can continue the relationship yeah and yeah

and I'm like totally fair totally fair and then the nice button on it three weeks later I get in a cab it it's the exact same cab driver, and he's like, oh hey, how'd you score that night, what's up buddy? And then I pulled him, this whole tail over again. Yeah, and he gave me a break on that cab ride, so yeah. That's beautiful. You know she was telling her friends like,

ugh, this poor guy came over and he unloaded. Yeah. That's the last time I date a member of the underclass. Right, exactly. Exactly. He didn't have those solid, rich bowel movements, like people of my class. Yeah.

I will say, this does make me think of a story with the person that I am with now. On one of our first dates, we were doing a movie as well at my home, not Rango, don't remember what it was, but I did also have a very similar situation where I had just learned that I was lactose intolerant and I was learning it that day.

And I had ravioli that was filled with cheese. And I remember one, like literally one of our first dates going to my bathroom for like 20, 30 minutes and then having to, doing all the stuff, you know, sink on, shower on, whatever. Symbols. Yeah. Clang, clang.

Whistling. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, just singing show tunes. Just a spoonful of sugar. You know, and you know, it came out and we never, it was never, it was never really directly addressed because it was very early on, but we are still together now,

so it ended up working out. Yeah, I think, you know, because it is, honestly, if I, like I said, she heard the first one and she still was sort of into it, you know, that's a good sign. And I think, you know, those are the keepers, the ones that are like, you know, that can accept the fact that the human body is a parade of misery and embarrassment.

And continues to be and gets even worse as you get older. And the thing is that facade of like, I am a sexy, perfect, shitless marble statue of a person, that gets broken eventually anyway. So sometimes it's like, sometimes it's just gonna happen early with certain people. Well, I was just gonna say,

the person I felt the worst for was, cause I was searching for a toilet brush to clean up after myself. And there was none because then I realized she had a cleaning lady. Yeah. So the poor cleaning lady had to clean up after that and I was like, oh, my heart broke for whoever that was. The cleaning lady looks at the toilet and goes, what is this, a Rothko? What is this?

Oh my God. It's kind of beautiful. Cleaning lady says, did you have another poor person here? Oh, I told you, miss. Don't do that. All right, Mitch, thanks so much. Oh yeah. Thank you, appreciate it. All righty.

Bye, Mitch. Come to my show if I come back. This is the Andy Richter Collins show. I'm here with Skyler Higley. It's a wild card episode. Whoa, that was extra wild cardy. Meaning, you know, whatever topic you got for us, we'll take it. Yep. Here we go. Next, we got Peter Collins from our nation's capital. Peter, you got Skyler, You got Andy. How are you?

Hey fine guys. How you doing? Good good So this really has to do Andy with with you turning me on to the idea that I could beat somebody on telling a travel story Now listen to you talking about travel stories and I said look I'll let you judge, you know here so this out, I'll give you the breadth of it. It starts out picking up a hitchhiker on the Van Wick Expressway in New York. And it ends up in a mud hut in Brazil and changes my entire life.

So that's the breadth of it. OK, we only have about 20 minutes left, so I don't know if, I mean, if you're gonna give us an out of Africa here. Yeah, no, two minute version. Okay. So I'm driving on the Van Wyk Expressway, looking toward this place where the old 1964 World Fair Globe is and I see

right in front down on the road I see a woman hitchhiking. I said shit I'm not a murderer so I better pick her up before somebody else. Not yet. Well not that I'll admit. Yeah right. So I pick her up and she's about my age, you know, and she's really cute and she wants to ride into Manhattan and there's lots of traffic and we start talking and we really hit it off. And by the end of it, I kind of like get to Manhattan hoping that it'll be as slow as possible. They're really having a great chat. I find out that she's got some connection to Brazil, but she's going to school upstate New York and I'm going to school at Rutgers and you know,

we just hit it off really well. So I drop her off. I just want to pause you one second. Do you ever ask her why you are not availing yourself of the many transportation opportunities that Municipal New York has to offer? That is what I want to know. You know, that was the weird part of it because she did not seem like somebody that should be hitchhiking.

Right, yeah. And I don't know. I'm gonna be honest with you, it sounds like a ghost right now. So far, I'm getting ghost. Yeah, I think you got, yep. I think you dated a ghost. More than that.

But anyway, it ends up that I am brave enough to ask her for her number, and she writes it on the back of a matchbook, and I call her and da da da, yada yada, we start going out. And over my entire senior year, I'm her and you know, da da da yada yada. We start going out and over the you know My entire senior year I'm going out with her and she I go to see her She comes out see me and then toward the end of the year. She just disappears. That's got I mean like May This was like in August before the start of senior year May she disappears and that's it. So literally goes

part of senior year. May she disappears and that's it. So literally goes to. Yeah, that's that. Well, and then I go off, start going to graduate school and everything like that. And then like toward Christmas, I suddenly get a letter. That says. I'm in Brazil. Come stay with me. I'm staying in a beautiful beach. And a beautiful beach place. just come stay with me.

Whoa. And boring graduate school, didn't know what the hell I wanted to do in life. Didn't know what was gonna, so I said, oh yeah, sure. So I dropped everything. Wait, so you got this letter. My parents. Can I ask, what did you feel when you got this letter?

Because me, just to lead you, I get a letter, someone who's disappeared, come hang out with me in Brazil. I'm suspicious. I want to keep all my organs. So what are you feeling? Yeah, but she was pretty. I mean, I knew her well enough after eight months. Yeah, sure.

And there was a, let's put it this way, there was like a benefit at the end of the rainbow. Definitely. Sure. But, but you, there was no sort of like, how dare you ghost me to this? No. Oh, okay. Nothing like that. Because you knew you were gonna get laid on a beach. Here's how I, she, he's not mad at all.

She was so, so hot. Yeah. Yeah. I can tell she Brazilian. Right. I get it. Right. Yeah. Trim meat. Yeah. Yeah. all. She was so, so hot. I can tell. She's Brazilian. I get it. Right. Yeah. Trim. Meat. There was that. There was that. You know?

So, my parents all pissed at me. Ten years, I back out of... After ten days, I back out of graduate school. Oh, my God. You couldn't just go over... You couldn't just say, you know, my just like say I got a, you know, my grandma died, I need a week. You're throwing your future away. Peter. No, no, we're not gonna happen. All right, okay. I just, I just, what the hell, I wanted to see the world, you know, what

the hell. So I back out of graduate school, my mother won't talk to me, my dad slips me 500 bucks, me my dad flipped me 500 bucks you know as starter money and I got my own cash he drives me to JFK and you know I had a Brazilian one son January he says have you know good luck and and I fly to Rio and then from Rio fly to back north to Bahia to a I would say that the airport that I ended up with in 12 hours after I left JOK looked like the old bus terminal in East Sandusky Ohio Ohio. Okay. And at any point are you ever thinking what am I doing? Well after three hours sitting there in this terminal and everybody else disappeared and she doesn't show up yet. Oh boy. She never showed up. No she did show up. It took her three hours.

She hitched in. Wow. She hitched in and she said like you know and so then we go to the nearest town it's getting dark yeah and we go to the nearest town and the town or the hotel that we go to has it's a dirt road main street there's a hitching post with a horse I swear tied to the hitching post with a boner and then we go into the, and that's where the hotel is. Wait, with a boner, wait, what boner? A horse with a boner.

A horse with a boner. Oh, the horse had a boner. I can still see it. Wow. Yeah, well. Oh, so that woman just radiated sex. I liked how horse boner is a plot point of this love story.

Yeah. And of course, this all culminates in the horse house and the boner is a plot point of this love story. And of course, this all culminates in the horse house and the boner. I'm completely freaked out. I feel like I'm in a western town in the 1890s. It's a weird language. Right. And I'm completely culture shocked.

The next morning, we hitch again to the beach, the end of the road, which is the beach. We walk two hours across the beach, come to a river. She teaches me my first word in Portuguese which is canoeiro which means canoe man. A guy is sleeping in a loin cloth across the river which empties into the Atlantic Ocean. We're right on the ocean, but there's a river that, you know, and then we cross, and we cross, the canoe man hears me screaming canoe man in Portuguese and leads us across the river.

And here I am, you know, in what looks to me like an African village with little kids, bare-bellied kids. Sure, but you were in South America. Yeah. Except it ended up being, I later found out that most of the people in the village were like the descendants of West African slaves

that had been brought to Brazil in the early... So they're black people. ...in the late 1800s. Well, everybody was African-Brazilian. Okay. And I then went to the... I mean, I thought I was going to the beach. I did go to the beach, but her house was a mud hut with a palm leaf roof and a dirt floor.

And I learned to live there for the next six months. Oh, okay. Wow. So you were together with her for the next six months. Yeah. Wow. And you know, learning how to be you know speak the language Yeah, learning how to how to hunt with the local people Just like it was weird, you know, and how did she not get pregnant? Yeah

Well that came later She did get pregnant She finally did get not while we were in Brazil is a longer story, but I mean she knew how to not get pregnant So you're you practice a lot, but it's okay. Were you you were there six months just with her Was there ever any I? We should go back to the states. I need to do like Peter How did you get to DC? Because I could see you just living in these mud huts

for the rest of time. How'd I get to DC? I mean, how did you get back? What was the end of the six months? Yeah, what, did you just get fed up with eating bugs? Well, there's a couple things. One is that, it has to do with the fact that she had a bunch, she had other boyfriends.

Oh my Lord. And what had happened was that. Yeah, you've met my boyfriend the horse. Who was gonna be stupid enough, who was gonna be stupid enough to drop everything and come to Brazil. Yeah, yeah. Right?

And it was you. So I was just, yeah, it was me. So when I realized that, you know, then I kind of had to balance the fact I was having a great time with her. Yeah, yeah. You read the letter again and you see like, copy one of five.

Yeah. And it was, and Peter had a line underneath it. And it was written in. That's weird. Yeah. So then I was the only, from what I could tell, I was the only, you can appreciate this in reverse, I was the only white male that had ever been in this village. Yeah.

You know, probably ever. So the little kids, I mean we had protect, our best neighbor was like our protector and he would bring us food and make sure that I didn't trip over snakes and alligators and everything like that. He actually sent his 10 year old son to kind of teach me how to handle the jungle. But you know, beyond that, little kids would walk up to me and touch me because they'd never seen skin like that. Right. Yeah. It was really weird. But anyway, one other outsider couple, and two other, well, there was one other outsider house in the village. And they were Brazilian, but we generally, we naturally gravitated to them because they were you know from the outside

Because they were white you're like people go over there once in a while and smoke soap, you know and chat and everything like that and they were friendly and all and It was basically a matriarchic society in which Kind of ran the village. Yeah. And one of the priestesses summoned me one day and said, watch out for those people. And they kind of showed me that they've been doing offerings and that I was a good guy, but those people were not a good guy. Oh.

They were not good guys. And one day, my girlfriend and I were having our evening meal of shrimp and rice, which sometimes I even went out and they taught me how to fish and a glass of wine. And this is a really isolated place in the middle of no place. And there's a bang on the door and I hear an engine outside and Ten cops with with machine guns blast into the place and surround us and Say where's the drug? You know and I could I could even speak I was petrified, I could hardly speak the

language and she spoke fast saying, oh no, my parents are in town, I'm not what you think and we're just Americans and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we didn't have any drugs in the, we didn't have any drugs, the drugs were at the other people's house which was way down the road, near the beach. And apparently somebody had snitched on the other people's houses, people lay down the road through the beach. And apparently somebody had snitched on the other people. You were being profiled. Yeah, and so when the cops came into town, the drug police, they came into town, they said, where's the outsiders?

And somebody pointed to our house because it was first on the road. And they didn't find anything. And they just left the guard there. They went further down the road, found the other folks, apologized to us without us knowing that they'd beaten the shit out of the other people, thrown them in their van, and put them away.

Yeah. So that was kind of like destroyed paradise. Oh, and then you left after that. When the drug cops come in, then it's time. That's how we left. Yeah. So. Well, Peter, we have, I gotta move on

because we did take up a lot of time. This was a fascinating epic story, but I gotta keep going. One of the best stories ever heard and just goes to prove what I'm always saying, white people do be crazy. Back to you, Andy. All right, thank you, Peter.

We got time for one more. Let's go to Dan in Ohio. Dan, how are you? I'm all right, Andy. How's it going? Good, good. Pretty good. I'll make it quick. Yeah, make it quick because we're reaching the end of my hour here and

they actually, they make me pay for every minute that I go over. There's a meter. Yeah, you don't want to run into that. I do not. Sure. Alright. Well, hey, so I almost run into that. I do not. Sure. All right. Well, hey, so I almost called him for the caught red-handed episode, but I didn't know if this fit quite in there.

But I wanted to tell you about a time my buddy and I were, we were on a beer league softball team. And what ended up happening was we were done with a game and we were approached by a couple guys, which is not unusual at all after a beer league softball team. You'll be approached by somebody to sub in for another game just because people don't show up or whatever. Maybe they're too drunk, I don't know. But at any rate, you get asked to sub in. That's not an uncommon thing. So we were asked to sub in and we said we would. So we went and started playing this game. Uh, it got to be a pretty hotly contested game. I mean, it got,

got to be pretty intense. And I'm not, I'm not usually a big, uh, a big cusser, but I, when I'm fired up, I tend to let him fly. Yeah, and there you know There was a lot of you know, we're gonna win this fucking game and fuck. Yeah, I Remember specifically one time I was in the dugout and somebody hit one into the gap and I said that's goddamn double you know, we were getting pretty fired up at least I was and So my buddy comes up to me while we're all in the dugout Which if you know what a beer league softball dugout is, it's basically a dog run, a chain link dog run.

But we're just sitting there and he comes up to me and I stood up and he's like, he said something and I couldn't understand what he said at first. He said it again, he was like, Dan, I think this is a church team and I yeah and you know the funniest part was my initial reaction I couldn't help myself was to you'd loudly yell you're shitting me just right there in front of everybody so I it was just an awkward situation that yeah i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i i our sitters of the softball team church or whatever. But they didn't do that. So we just kind of got down the road a ways and it got to be an awkward situation.

But that's what I wanted to tell you about. Oh, damn. Well, I mean, I think you would have been entirely within your rights to just go, you know, hey, I'm sorry, by the way, I didn't realize that you all believed in all that mumbo jumbo. You know, that fairy tale of the friend in the sky was something you all believed.

Yeah, sorry we were having unprotected sex in the dugout, but just gotta do what we do. Sorry. Where's the Heathen teams? All right, well, Dan, thank you so much for the call. Yeah, no problem. Thanks for having me on, Andy. Alrighty, no problem. Well, Skyler?

Wow. That was an hour. Once again, then the last time we had a total sausage party. No women in this thing. I'm not blaming anybody. My producers over there are going, what do you want from me? I don't know, I'm just saying,

I'm just noting that it was a complete sausage party, including you and me. Of course. So we usually, we like to pick a favorite at the end. Do you have a favorite? I mean, I will say, a Peter story was very interesting to me. It was very, yeah, I mean, it was just, I didn't know where it was gonna go next

and I wonder why people make the decisions that they do and it seems like a whole deep story. And then I will say the caller before him, Mitch, I believe it was. That story was relatable to me and I could very much picture it in my mind because I know those homes in Old Town and what they look like. I've been in a few of those high rise,

fancy Chicago apartments. And I have had terrible diarrhea before. Of course, same. But the horse boner sticks out to me. Yeah. And I have had terrible diarrhea before. Of course. Same. But the horse boner sticks out to me. Yeah. Well, horse boners do stick out. Yeah, they do. That's what they do.

What about you? I think probably Mitch's, I think the diarrhea one, there's a lot of pathos. There's a lot of, you know, he painted a good picture there. And painted a good toilet bowl. We'll be right back. No, he won't be right back Alright, well, thanks so much for coming in and doing this. Thanks for having me check out after midnight That's where he's working now and and also is you have a website for standup gigs SkylerHigley.com

It's SkylerHigley on Instagram and SkylerHigley on Twitter. You can look my name up and you'll find me. Nice. Well, thank you for listening. We'll be back next week with more of the Andy Richter call-in show. It's all on you to call. So if you've got a good story, give us a ring. All right, bye-bye. Thank you.