The Tim Dillon Show - 147: 147 - Love Tim (with Kevin Tienkin)

Episode Date: May 12, 2019

It's another outdoor episode with Tim in LA! This time, Kevin Tienkin joins Tim on the porch for a discussion about trash TV, living by the beach, and what life is like around the rest of the USA. Plus more, on this week's episode of Tim Dillon is Going to Hell! Please Support Our Sponsors:Go to http://www.timdillonisgoingtohell.com and follow the link at the bottom to get 10% OFF any Wix Premium Plans!Check out Infinite CBD and see which one of their products is going to enhance your life. Go to th Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And now Tim Dillon is going to how everybody we are here on the back deck again with my friend comedian very funny Kevin Tinkin hello thank you for being here again having me no problem again folks we're outside you might hear a little you might hear a helicopter the screech of an eagle you might hear something like that but you don't have to you don't have to get on the DM and tell me about it unless it's a positive fucking comment unless you're like this is so fucking nice that you're doing this outside yeah because we got some ambient noise in the background so I can fall asleep I imagine most of you fall asleep listening to the sound of my voice I hope that that's that's how I get sober yeah

I wonder how many people are listening to this show either sobering up or relapsing yeah if yeah definitely one of the two if you're going through a police checkpoint you've had a few drinks on the pod sober up yeah so you know but I like doing them outside maybe it's something about being in LA there's something nice about being outside here in New York City you know there's so many fucking people everywhere you can't do anything outside without involving the neighbor or you know somebody hollering at you to get some bootlegs yeah somebody yeah or somebody selling their their mixtape oh yeah you know you're the guy that comes up to the gas station and goes hey I want to give you my cd and then he goes 10 bucks no I've never had to do the gas

station that's happening to me in New York they do it in Times Square yeah but you know what how much better off of those guys than most people that we know oh yeah they're actually trying to sell something at least they're trying they figured out a marketing strategy for their fucking art is direct to marketing I had I was a tour guide in New York City on the double-decker buses and we would get people and then like a British woman came up to me and she's like I gave a man $60 in Central Park he sold me a cd she's like are there really a hundred thousand homeless children in New York and I'm like I don't know maybe probably I don't know and she goes like this she goes well that man told me that if I bought his cd the money goes to the homeless children it's a donation

for the homeless children in New York there's a hundred thousand homeless and I'm like I told him like man you know I don't did he have any like it was just a guy yeah I walked up to him with a cd which by the way brilliant move on his part instead of just being like because what they do is if you live in New York they give you the cd for free they go like hey I'm and then they go and buy and then they'll take it back if you won't give the money yep they put the cd in your hand and they go hey by the way I'm a struggling artist I'm trying to get my music out there so all these British people and and like people from Norway come over to them they've never seen black people oh yeah so they're excited yeah to get a cd from the black and they want to act like you're cool you know what I mean

because people don't get mad at me there's not a lot of white people doing this one of the shadow there's not a lot of white people slinging mixtapes in Central Park or Times Square there's just not it's you know what I mean yeah yeah and I bet these mixtapes are good it's not not a lot of white kids doing it and even by the way if you see a white person doing this shoot them like the cops should be able to shoot white people who are selling mixtapes we gotta get those numbers up anyway right we gotta get those those white kids getting shot numbers up I mean I'm not a big guy on cultural appropriation but I'll tell you right now every now and then I see something that make me sick a white kid selling a mixtape will throw me into a funk I'll be like that is not your

fucking turf get the fuck out of here but it's it's the wrong area it's the wrong area but you do see that uh you do you you do see that a lot in terms of like these foreign people that want to be cool dude they're hustling and then and then they get this this this mixtape and then they're like standing there and then a lot of them will just give the money because they don't know yeah you know they don't know they're like well I don't want to you know so they're guilty oh yeah you know some Scandinavian family some of them don't it really depends on we went to the states and we changed the entire economic structure right a few mixtapes yeah gentlemen in the park yeah we're just we just helped yeah I knew the woman got ripped off as soon as she said to me are there a hundred

thousand homeless in New York as soon as she said that I'm like who beat you out of what yeah like what did you get beaten out of well those are the type of stats you can't put on a sound cloud yeah and by the way it's one of those questions where I'm like I don't know probably yeah like it's I don't know it sounds high but then it also sounds low like I don't it's one of those stats where you don't really know I'm like I don't know I'm like I I don't know I'm homeless I think I don't know if I've you know like I don't somebody told me he's like hey I'm not slinging the CDs the heart of it goes are you mentioning the homeless yeah are you mentioning the homeless in New York yeah well that's the thing it's like you can't just you can't just lead with the music

you got to lead with a social ill yeah children work well yeah my grandma got green green can you buy my album yeah yeah is there any way is it true that everybody's grandmother here has gang green is that is that true does every elderly person have a flesh eating bacteria in New York is that true you showed me his foot and I felt like I spent 80 dollars on a cd for a man whose grandmother has necrotizing fasciitis he felt like he deserved it he's working for it that's one of those that's one of those diseases I I really like you know I I'm a serious or was a serious hypochondriac and I still kind of fuck with it a little bit oh yeah but you know necrotizing fasciitis which is the flesh eating back every now and then a kid goes swimming in a lake and then three quarters of his

body is like eaten by a flesh eating bacteria that's terrifying I know dude there's this girl I used to work with she got bit by a black widow and it looked like that shit like it was yeah it was like the spidering veins coming out and then she she just cut it open the doctors did and it looked like she just had a vagina on the side of her leg really dude I'm telling you it was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen and I it it terrified I'm still more terrified of spiders today I mean listen a lot it's rare that you'll die I did a report on spiders in eighth grade oh really yeah I did I did a report on spiders I it was from my the science fair that's impressive by the way it like the science fair you're supposed to do like an experiment the teacher was like this is nothing

to do I brought a tarantula in from a pet store yeah the teacher was like this is nothing you know all the other kids did like experiments the volcano like the volcano yeah or like this is how water changes from a gas to a solid she's like your science fair project is just that there are spiders she's like this is because I just loved spy I'm like yeah there's this is a tarantula dude you're you're a weird kid I was weird but I was just also like I thought it was funny and cool that I just brought a spider in and the teacher was like this checks off none of the boxes of what a technical science fair project is supposed to be but I got to have a spider for a week and the only way that I was able to do that is telling my mother that I need it for a science fair project

it's for school yeah yeah so I'm like we got to go get a tarantula dude my my girl just did a science uh science fair how old she's nine okay and uh she literally I went and saw it at the school I didn't want to say anything right but like everybody else they look nice their parents obviously helped more than we did and uh and hers you were you let her you let her on her own a little bit we let her kind of you know it's her science project I'm there to guide but I got video games to play you know she's nine she hasn't figured it out by now exactly never will yeah I'm with you and she's got to learn learn how to fail right you know right yeah but hers is literally just a bunch of oranges and a plastic cup like it was supposed to be it was like a two gallon jug of water that we cut the top off

of and there's oranges in there and it's supposed to be whether oranges float with the peel on or the peel off oh and so uh but when we went there there was no water it was just oranges what is this like an autistic science fair it's like a weird obsession for anyone to have they're just excited to get the kids involved in the scientific process you know what I mean what's great about the science fair is you can really see whose parents should be in jail you know by what a kid will come in with the social services at the door yeah like some crackhead kid will come in like his parents are crackheads he'll come in with like the poster boards not even done you know the oak tag he's got like papers that aren't either it's like he hand wrote it and he just glued it on yeah everyone else

all the other kids have like you know just like post like cards that are like like you know yeah fixed onto the oak tag it looks really nice it's colorful it's attractive he just ripped the paper out of the one of those binders with all the spools on the sides it's all frayed yeah this poor kid just fucking sitting there at his dining room table trying to do this while his parents cook up a rock in the next room and like you know they just walk out and look at it and they go this is it'll do yeah that's fine son we're just glad timmy's getting involved we're just glad he's participating yeah there I mean I was in a few of those houses when I was growing up because I I was a you know I was a I was a uh hooligan I was a kid that wanted to like get drugs all the time right you never

smoked crack did you um I freebase cocaine okay and I remember one of the funniest the jv of crack yeah we did we took rocks a coke we didn't cook it up to make it crack but we put them in a we freebase again and it was basically cracked I went somebody in the house said to us they're like this is basically crack we just laughed so hard we were 14 it was one of those times we just laugh and we're smoking crack and we're just like they're like this is basically crack and I looked at my buddy and I went this is we're basically smoking a crack and he we just we fell down laughing it was just one of those middle school memories that a lot of people don't have but like I would every now and then like uh there was this kid Ryan whose parents were drunks and like you know and we went

like once we went into his house to smoke some weed and he's like hey before you go in the air you know my house kind of dirty was like ashamed of it you know I was like dude I hang out at I'm not going to say their names but I was like I hang out at blank plant you know which was the the coke house in town and yeah no I know and he kind of laughed I was like I don't give a fuck dude but a lot of my childhood was spent in absolutely filthy houses with like cigarette burns in the carpet ashtrays overflowing with cigarette Dutch guts everywhere with Dutch guts you know vanilla Dutches people smoke blondes oh yeah yeah yeah so like just tobacco all over the place oh yeah those shitty linoleum kitchen floors you know stains in the carpet

you know one leather couch that you pull a cigarette stain blanket over yourself and maybe take a half hour nap oh that's great yeah that's great I don't trust anybody who hasn't pulled a cigarette stain ratty blanket over themselves on a fucking coming down from coke trying not to die the rats keep you warm yeah I mean my friend Michael just got an apartment and this guy's like he's the only friend I've made that I made from the podcast um and I met him uh he came to the a show at the stand once and he was he came he's a good looking guy you know fucks a lot of chicks successful guy not crazy successful but you know in uh you know he's he's doing the right thing to tim dealing demographic well not that listens to the show I imagine not I imagine he's kind of

an outlaw I don't know who's out there but I'll tell you right now from the messages I get I would imagine that he's in the top 1% of people that listen to this show just in the sense that he's always had his freedom you know um but the first time I met him he was bleeding like I said to him like he came up he was like I'm a huge fan of the show and I looked at him I'm like dude you're bleeding his arm was bleeding and he just kind of laughed it off he didn't know how he was bleeding um and that's a sincere compliment though if you if a man goes out of his way who's actively bleeding to tell you he likes something you're doing you're on the right track yeah no he he's one of these dudes who women love him and guys like but there's a certain type of

dude who like wants to be taken seriously by dudes and is it yeah and because he's like the dude who fucks everybody's chick but I don't mean that he fucks everyone's chick I just mean he's the dude that gets pussy yeah and he's devoted a lot of time and energy to that and by the way I was telling him tonight I'm like dude you have a better lot like we were talking about our lives and I'm like yeah I've been able to do some cool shit but I kind of just like sometimes I just want to look like him and just fuck yeah you know what I mean yeah I mean that's that's the goal but he's like he's like yeah but he goes you know but then you're like not you don't feel the pressure to like be successful and like do things or whatever so it's like whatever the grass is greener but

I'm just like if I look like you I would just fuck surfers all day I'd have AIDS and wouldn't care oh yeah you know what I mean like I wouldn't care I would I would want to be like you know like I would just be like so hot or I'd be like right before I fuck somebody be like I have AIDS and this dude the guy would be like who cares yeah like you're right on the dice tonight and he's not an amazing looking guy but he's good enough looking he's thin he's just thin yeah and that's where it's at yeah you know what I mean that's like Ben over here I mean he's he's a good looking guy he could be he could be boning down all over town instead Michael's got a sexual energy yeah like Michael's like he's in it to fuck yeah you can feel it Ben's better looking than Michael but like

Michael just get like Michael could just go in and just fuck he's just that guy yeah when you're sitting at a table with him he like want you know he wants to be fucking yeah that he's like trying to do this other thing and like ask me about my podcast like he gives a shit you know yeah and he does he does care but he just wants to be fucking some 19 year old girl with USC and I get it you know what I mean I get it but he also like he's you know so I was just like you know so he just gets this but he's also a guy who like always makes the wrong decisions when it comes to like where he live like he makes these bad real estate decisions like and he loves complaining about them and he's a guy and not in a funny way like there are people like there are people that

just do things yeah so they can complain about them yeah like he moved in he comes out to LA you know him and his he him and he met some dude some guy who's another good looking in shape guy who happened to be a psychopath and he didn't know this but he like moved in with this guy and then like a day later the guy is like the guy has all these mental problems the guy's got a some girlfriend in New York the guy but the guy's like all over the place the guy tells Michael he moves in with Michael yeah and then he tells him he goes like as Michael's moving in he goes you know I went on a my uncle's a rich guy used to take us on vacation and I woke up one day and he had his hand down my pants when I was like how long have they known each other

literally hours he's moving in the boxes right they're eating Chinese food together just going so my Michael's like okay okay you know hey you know this is good story yeah so and then the guy says to me goes I just kept going on vacation with him it kept kind of happening but you know he had a lot of money or whatever and so like Michael tells me this and I'm like yeah I'm telling you right now telling you right now telling you right now you made a big mistake again yeah yeah this is a big big mistake Michael's like yeah this guy seems like a real problem the kid would be like crying like you come home really yeah and then the kids like and then Michael's like I don't really know if I could live with you and the kids like but I still want to be friends with you I

thought you're one of my best friends literally they know each other 48 hours at this point like so I'm like oh this is total but my one of the reasons Michael likes me is he's attracted to crazy people he likes crazy people yeah you know what I mean yeah yeah but my I have to monetize my crazy so there's a limit to how crazy I can get yeah I have to be crazy in the in the parameters of civil society yeah you know what I mean absolutely but this dude does not so he would come home and the kid would be and then the kid starts saying I'm like if you leave I don't know what I'll do man I'm afraid of myself like I don't know if he's threatening Michael or threatening to kill himself whatever so finally and they they just moved in together or they just literally said

there are this is all under 72 hours Jesus the kid is threatening to harm himself saying because the kid's on drugs he's got all these problems and Michael's calling me is like I'm so mad at myself I don't know why I did this and I'm like I know why you did it because you were just like you saw a beautiful apartment yeah this kid seemed like or whatever but you know so he then gets his apartment now he's living in this place a marina del rey now marina del marina del rey here's the thing man here's a thing here I gotta you know and he's like he's one of my best friends and he knows he knows that I have to broadcast this you know to hundreds of thousands of people it is what it is but when you're friends with me yeah my parents know this day you know yeah I'm

I want to do a live podcast for my mother's mental institution but all of the people I want to have on keep dying literally one of them died the other day and so it's like oh no this is tough but I'm like I'm gonna one of the inmates or one of the patients there is somebody how about this you could call them patients but they can't leave yeah yeah so inmate is fine for that I know you know I know we want to be all sweet on them but a patient can go outside the inmate you know what I mean my mother can go out but it's you gotta sign a waiver and take her out and then bring it back in you know oh yeah so swap responsibility so Michael goes and gets his apartment in like you know this this like it looks like a hotel it looks like an older hotel it's like one of these

complexes popcorn ceilings you know those like ceilings it's all carpet the whole his apartment is all carpet the halls are carpeted there's stains everywhere the holes are carpeted the halls oh the halls the halls uh you know there's a smell great it looks like the hotel from the Florida project you know yeah but with none of like the fun people but maybe there are some fun people like I think he spoke a little weed in his apartment and he got a note slipped under the door and they're like hey uh I'm on dialysis I can't close the window I'm not strong enough to open the window please you know there's a lot of dangers a second-hand smoke and he was just like okay you know you know there's a lot of positives of smoking weed though if you're on dialysis

right right yeah but he you know so who knows he's probably getting blamed for a lot of other shit that's going on there but like nobody forced him to make this decision right yeah and the place has a pool and whatever yeah and it's you know I walk in and I'm like you know this is he's spending like 2400 a month 2500 a month ocean view stop there's no ocean view but he's like I'm two blocks from the beat here's the thing folks what is this need to live by the beach what is psychosis is this like I'm two blocks from the beat you're either on the beach or you're not yeah I'm an hour from the beach same shit you're either on the beach or you're not on the beach you have to put shoes on or you don't beach towns are disgusting they're full of drunks junkies it's true the people

that are attracted to the beach 10 of them are upstanding people that want to jog and do volleyball and the other 90% of them are homeless heroin addicts yeah so every beat Venice you go down to Venice it's like who would want to live in this I would rather live at the gathering of the juggalos than live in these beach like even Malibu is dirty and shit like I understand if you have a mansion and you have a view of whatever but it's filthy it's filthy and I'm a water guy I'm a beach guy I love it I grew up in a beach town I get it yeah you know what we used to do when I grew up on the beach we used to sniff cocaine on it at night and like all the people that bought houses on the beach were like who are these dirtbags were your kids what the hell's this why is this you know smoking

weed and doing blow on the beat that's what people do on the beach it's a good time so he's like yeah I'm two blocks from the beach and and then he starts saying things he's like you know he's he's a guy with like very specific complaints he's like there's nowhere to get an eight dollar food item here yeah no shit I'm like yeah he's like it's either a lot of money or it's like he's just nowhere to get an eight over and he acts like he was you know somebody at gunpoint put a gun in his mouth dragged him into this place and said sign this lease or we're going to blow your brains out of the back of your skull that's what he acts like but he did this completely voluntarily because he kind of likes I think there's some apart you know because he's like he's like all the things that

are better are 35 and I can't you know I can't spend that money I can't so I have to get I have to be in this and it's just one of those things where it's like you know at a certain point you just you you've got to realize if you keep making these decisions there's a reason you keep making them there's a there's a reason you keep making them you you know you want to be in a position that you don't and and it is what it is I'm not judging anybody I've made a lot of bad choices no in my life but not the bad choices that anyone thinks like you're not signing leases on shitty on shitty apartments sign anything I haven't signed anything in 10 years you know yeah is it the last thing I signed was a mortgage note for six hundred and seventy thousand dollars it's a good investment

guess what that didn't work out well for me or the people that gave me six hundred and seventy thousand dollars when I was coked out in 23 years old and I showed up in a sweaty coke panic signing papers that's the last thing I signed dude that you know that but that was the sign of the times I mean that was that's that's how you did alone sign if you didn't buy a house with a subprime mortgage and lose it you're a cock yeah straight up you're a fucking cock if you didn't go on the fucking ride like all of us good americans yeah then fuck you did I was I shouldn't even be in this country yeah I was right there with you there's no debtors prison this isn't Dubai where they lock you up in jail because you can't pay for something yeah you just

declare bankruptcy declaring bankruptcy which I haven't done and I will probably but eventually maybe I don't know but the clearing bank you buy a nice fridge before you do I will celebrate my bankruptcy at a beautiful restaurant Beverly Hills like I don't people say to me oh you defend capitalism I don't really defend capitalism all I know about capitalism is you borrow a lot of money you don't pay it back and no one can put you in a cell yeah that's my understanding of capitalism the american dream now that you know it hurts your kids or whoever's around for it I'm not advising this but I'm a lone wolf here I'm wandering around the desert alone if you hand me a big money and say this will work out I'm gonna say you bet I bet it will I bet it will why am I gonna tell you

do I know better than Wells Fargo what I need no and they said I needed a bag of money and I was inclined to agree with them oh Wells Fargo baby but Michael's a legit guy he's got credit he's a real person yeah that a hot little girlfriend who's a nurse yeah they could make a real fucking life of it you know and you know I don't know he's working he's he's in the weed thing now he came out here to get into this weed business because he had a really good job fantastic and and he wanted to come out here and he got rid of that job but he wanted to come out here because listen unless you get involved in one of these uh businesses that the the potential to make a lot of money yeah you know you're it's the wild west out here with weed you know yeah

laws are changing every day companies are emerging people trying to there's a huge group of people that come out to this state with law degrees that want to be consultants that want to take a lot of these mostly illegal operations and make them legal and there's a lot of people that are that are trying to get into that business and I think he was in a position in his company where he's like I'll make 150 grand a year every year till I'm dead go to Mets games have a nice house on Long Island or let me fucking take a shot I think you saw a guy like me who was fucking taking a shot you know I make tens of thousands of dollars a year you know I have hundreds of fans and I think he saw that and he said I want to be I want to be a guy like Tim who puts it all on the line

you know so that he could fucking stay in his friend's spare room every now and then that's what he want I and that type of inspiration is why I'm here I'm here so that people that have good lives can throw them away in the hopes that there's something great on the other side of it because fucking I was on a podcast people listen to yeah no you've made it I mean you've made it people think I am like yeah people like somebody said to me the other day like you're probably getting ready to buy a house I'm like I'm getting ready to buy a gun are you nuts I make no money and all the money I make is taken from me from my agent my manager yep who deserve that occasionally my agent does and my manager is I enjoy him you know and so what you I make a third of my money

and then there's taxes and then there's you know so but but I do think there's a lot of risk and it's exciting and I get that yeah to a guy like him you know we've had talks about this he's like I want to do something exciting you know I want to be part of it I want to be a millionaire I want to I want to have what I think he doesn't realize is it like none of that really like it's good and it's great to make money but I don't think it matters in the way that he thinks it matters like I think also like if fulfillment wise yeah because at the end of the day I think what he doesn't realize is that the people that make that kind of money their entire unless you get really lucky yeah their entire life is dedicated to making that kind of money right everything they do

you know people when people think about making money they think about vacations they think about oh this is the house I live in and the rich people that I know when they're on a vacation they're they're they're not even on it mentally they're somewhere else thinking about their fucking business thinking about you know they're on the phone on a beach somewhere yelling at somebody right 100% yeah so I think that there's you know because he works for you know people that are you know really committed to but you know he sees you know the first class airfare the big houses the big money and listen you want that and I get it and god listen I hope he makes all the money he wants yeah you know what I mean I hope he makes all the money he wants and he'll be very happy

you know I mean what's nice about him is he he doesn't you know he knows the apartment is shit yeah so that I don't have to pretend like you know this is it reminded me one of the crack houses I hung out at when I was 13 I'm like should we start crushing up rocks like what are we what are we doing here Marina del Rey yeah why are you living on by the beach I try to walk down to the beach every day before work why why again you're having that's not a rich thought that's not a rich person thought before work there is no before work and there's no after work there's just fucking work yeah what are you going around fucking with seals in the morning yeah he's like you know sometimes I could maybe jump in the water in the day you've not earned the beach you've not earned the beach

you get no beach that's a great John Mulaney joke where he talks about all these house hunter shows which John Mulaney is like and now another episode of oh who doesn't deserve a beach house you know I've been watching those and I never got into them but I've been watching them more and more where people I like the ones that are in real shit whole areas where it's like the realtors look like shit and they show up without shoes on yeah and they're selling people like just 300 000 beach houses in Mobile Alabama salt of the earth yeah salt of the earth people and you know Mobile I was when I was a kid I was in uh uh Annie get your gun which was a show that was on Broadway they toured it around the country I was 11 years old I lived on you know we stayed in

different hotels every night but I lived on a tour bus I went to Mobile Alabama and you know you know Mobile Alabama is I saw the thing that I I went on one of those rides where they they pull you up in a harness and then let you swing and it's still there like I on the dub real estate show we're talking talking 20 years ago more than 20 years ago the same ride like yeah Mobile but it's just funny when the realtor is like you know they're telling these people like about all the different you know things that the house has and all the people like really excited they're like you can't you can't beat these views can't beat it can't beat these views and it's like yeah but let's let's be honest you're gonna be in the house and you're gonna for a lot

of the people on that show not all of them but for a lot of the people on that show you'd be just is happy getting drunk and posting about QAnon somewhere else you don't need to be on the beach to post about QAnon on Reddit in a methamphetamine haze you don't need to get away stop this I like to be doing my posts on on uh when I want full on crack cocaine when there's an extra bedroom I like this town it's real quaint well you can walk everywhere anyway uh Guantanamo is being kept open because Barack and Hillary are going to jail for running a human trafficking ring and Trump was sent by Jesus to it's like okay but this could go on a few blocks away from the beach probably check me out at Trump soldier 69 on the line yeah I'm sure you could really light up or the donalds from

another location that isn't you know really I don't think you need seagulls shitting on your head dude my wife while you're my wife will watch that show and just I just will feel so shitty while she watches it right we're sitting in this two bedroom apartment in sunlin with our two kids yeah and uh you know we've got a guy a street walker that just walks into people's houses just some random vagrant that's literally just open just seeing if people's doors are open and see if they got food in their house some dude did that to our downstairs neighbor I gotta be honest with you I'm trying to think of how different that guy's life is for mine really that different at all kind of what I just placed open they got sandwiches yeah that's kind of what I do just walking around

knocking on doors but we'll watch these shows and they'll be guys like immobile or there was some random middle of the country place and they're buying these gargantuan 10 000 square foot homes yeah and it's just like well this one's a real fixture upper you know it's 97 thousand dollars I know that's a bit above your budget but we know what if we if we do this see we could put a lot of improvements you know well what's great what you learn about those shows is you just your if you don't have to live in New York or LA you're you're kind of free absolutely you know there's an amazing freedom you get from just being able to go somewhere else because some of these fucking houses it'll be like this house is 7 000 square feet yep it's 18 bedrooms 16 bathrooms pool you know and

it's like 300 thousand dollars yeah because you're living in the middle of the woods and like I love like you know they'll tell them they're like you won't see any neighbors you're out here you're secluded you're living in the fucking woods yeah some of them though like the guy I my favorite ones are the ones where where one of them will have like an archery range in the backyard and then it's a shitty house and then they'll show them two other houses and the guy will be like if I'm honest I really want that archery range yeah it's like you know you can put that at any of the other houses but they can't see beyond you know and I also love the people on those shows who've clearly inherited all the money who don't even know what a monthly payment is or what a mortgage is yeah

they have literally no clue and they're like it's time to get a home we live in a house right now and by the way I'm imitating southern people I know that they're not all set don't fucking start a problem with me and tell me that they're not all southern I just can't do a lot of fucking accents but a lot of them are southern you know if they have these beach communities like I don't even know exist they'd be like I want to get a beach house in Gainesville Florida yeah I want to get a second home for my family down in Gainesville I want a fan boat you know something to go ahead and knock the gator heads around you know and they'll be like local realtor Susan Coleman Eddie's here her she's here to show this couple some options for a beach house in Gainesville Florida

now Susan's son is incarcerated recently she barricaded herself in the bathroom while he tried to break down the door to steal the rest of her pain medication and Susan sadly had to put him in jail where she hopes he'll find Jesus Susan's out here trying to show this other couple what beach house in Gainesville Florida in a swamp is best to suit their needs these realtors look haggard on these shows oh yeah these realtors oh they're beat up like beat up they're wearing like beaters yeah these realtors a lot of them are women yeah they show up looking like you know like complexed with purple lipstick oh yeah dark eyeliner pencil thin eyebrows yeah they they they show up and they're just it the whole

thing is super awkward and once we get the possums out of the garage this place is gonna be great yeah they're like and and the thing about real estate is like there's not a ton of middle ground so there's people that make a lot of money at it and then there's people and it's kind of like comedy it's like people who really aren't realtors but they have they pass that test oh yeah you know so they're just they don't know shit yeah they don't know anything and they're just kind of stumbling around a house yeah showing these other degenerates you know dude i i read uh you know the Robert kiyosaki's uh the millionaire next door or whatever yeah one of those books about real estate and i thought oh yeah it's on now i'm gonna i'm gonna start getting real estate and start renting it out

and nobody knows what the fuck they're doing like you go to these places the guy i remember some guy tried to get us to go to a conference for three thousand dollars and we show up at the conference and the lady at the front desk doesn't even know what's going on this was like a preview yeah show up well the first day's free and if you want to do the full thing you know and then we found out was three grand while we were in the conference but the guy's advice was go and look on the newspaper for houses yeah that was his advice right yeah look if you go get a paper your local paper yeah you go you look at there's houses for sale right and you can buy it now sometimes you go and you can't get a loan maybe not a problem go in there see if they'll be financed a loan for you yeah

real estate is like a business for people who think books are gay you know that's like the people that get into real estate are retarded even the even the ones that make millions of dollars a year they're stupid people and they have like they're dumb they're not smart so even the big ones that are making ten million dollars a year in new york are simply can only talk about tile in a bathroom yeah they have no idea what's going on they have no idea they they it's that sales ethos of not concentrating on anything else except making the sale oh yeah so they don't care they will sell how like there's tents all over la that these people drive by people are literally like it's it's it's fucking post apocalyptic war zone

these people drive through it they don't even look at it don't think about it don't care listening to some fucking motive you know dude and then they just go walk around the house and they're like there's a lot of natural light there's a lot of natural light in the sunroom and it's like well that's nice society's crumbling have you thought of that that's why i would suck at that job because i would in the middle of the sale i would look at the people get did you see the tents on the way here like how long till that just you know boils over and what happens do you think those people get weapons eventually or anyway yeah there is light here i guess in the room you can keep the swing set in the backyard it's like agents and managers none of these people are there are so

few smart people in the world there's not a lot of smart people and sales is not a job for smart people it's a job and but you need sales people i respect the hell out of sales but i would rather hang out with them than these fucking there's a lot of pseudo-intellectual people who think that they're intelligent right but what that really means is they they have no social skills so you have a lot of autists running around places that can't speak to a human being without being terrified right they get scared if you say hello to them they act like you've played a cruel joke on them so so they tend to think they're intelligent because they read you know marks all day and then you stumble out to an open mic but so i'd rather i'd rather some dumb hot salesperson who's just

coming all over and fucking hot and dumb as fuck and just cares about but then there's a limit to you know those people also you're like okay enough's enough dude i used to work i used to work sales uh at wells fargo and yeah this girl came in uh for what i like about wells fargo is that's a company that'll just bang uh an old person right over the head oh dude i got a story for you man yeah but this i remember this girl came in for a job interview and she literally had a huge scar over her neck like she tried to behead herself yeah and it was red and she was like a real pale skin and it was just so obvious like it was just ridiculous and uh she leaves and i i i go to my manager i go what do we do why are we are we gonna hire he goes i don't know and i go what's with

the scar though you don't think that'll be a little off-putting to people and he goes look man she's hungry and i'm just like okay yeah all right he's like that's all we need i just need somebody that's hungry and it has no morals and then yeah just is willing to do whatever it takes to get the sale i'm like hey fair enough that's what it is dude doesn't matter there is this this guy in his 80s doesn't matter if it's that guy from the last scene of beetle juice with that little head as long as he's hungry and he wants to crush it he's hungry and aggressive he wants to be aggressive and crushing he told me he loves the phones as long as there's not one thought that goes through his head that doesn't correlate to fucking selling whatever whore's shit we've decided people need

you know dude we had some guy in his 80s who had a house in Fresno yeah Fresno Central Valley California and uh the house was worth 750 grand we somehow were able to uh bump the values to get 1.2 million dollar loan and the lady that comes in and signs it is like this decent looking woman in the 30s with these huge six inch heels on and she he's over in the chair just kind of like slumped over barely conscious and she's just going well honey if we do this then we can get the pool we can get that pool and maybe even the boat we were talking about getting and he's just like uh just barely conscious yeah that woman by the way they'll write an article about her that she's a victim of you know she's a victim this woman who's like I told that story the other week of the

pod it's like the idea that these people are victims is kind of like but I listen I love sales because of there's something cool about a sales office because literally it's not you know when you look at certain businesses the people especially the one that we're in a lot of the writers are all IV fucking boys they all fucking come from the same place sales office dude you'll have people you'll have an 80 year old guy selling shit just because he's like I'm trying to stay alive yeah and I I do appreciate something about that I appreciate um dude this guy Keith would come into into work and the hot news every day would be what he found last night right because he was a speed head and he would just he would be like dude I got some nice brass real nice brass last

night it was a big haul yeah and he's like oh my truck was almost full up and I you know we bet I barely got to work on time I had some of the most fun there was this guy named Howie I used to work with who was a cocaine dealer and also sold mortgages but didn't really sell mortgages because he didn't really know what they were but he was like a he was like a 40 year old guy he was in his mid 30s at that point who she should have known and I remember just being 19 and sitting in his apartment and watching him like do cocaine and he's like I want to move to Santa Domingo he goes because that's what they treat you like a fucking person that's what they treat you like a fucking person and I was all coked out just staring at him I'm like yeah man yeah those are

dark times and then I got into those are dark times and then you get into comedy and you're like oh those were great like those people were fine those people were I I got I got shit on the other day I wrote this tweet about this movie Love Simon which is a movie I don't know if you've seen Love Simon it was a book it came out in 2015 and I tweet stuff and every now and then people get enraged at me but this was people were really angry because Love Simon is about a gay guy who court starts corresponding anonymously with another person at his school okay and he then struggles with coming out of the closet and then he comes out of the closet but his parents are like liberal and they have a beautiful house in the suburbs and he's gorgeous

and everything works out at the end and you know everything's fine and so I tweeted out like listen this is you know I understand but listen you know let's stop pretending that in 2016 coming out is like it was in 1950 yeah okay can we stop pretending that this isn't Angels in America where everyone's dropping dead of AIDS and and basically everyone else is going good good good this isn't what's going on I'm not saying that people don't have struggles with it especially you know people have different so I just tweeted like listen I was like I have had conversations in uber pools that are more worthy of being a show than this it's 2019 yeah and the plot line is that this kid in the suburbs is just like how do I how do I do it how can I do it his friends

are all liberal friends not yeah you're not living in the backwoods of some so I thought that would be an innocuous thing and the the hate that I got from people how people got so angry on Twitter they're like everybody's coming out story matters number one it doesn't let's be let's be very honest let me be very clear about that it doesn't matter I think people having access to water matters yes to be you know 100% and and if oh everyone's coming out story matters well then no ones matters yeah does it yep some people come out it's a big deal some of the thing some and I'm not taking it might matter to you personally but who gives a shit sure it doesn't forget so people call me heterosexual they're like you're a header you don't understand anything about

you are and the only people that are enraged I'm not gonna read the tweets I don't want to give these fucking people you know but it was just kind of funny to me yeah that people get so angry at the fucking idea that no you are not interesting just because you you suck dick it doesn't make you it might have been 97 yeah but we got other shit now yeah we got 3000 genders yeah we got we've got other shit we've moved on now right it's not now I know that people don't want to trade that card in because then they have to have something the fucking and I'm not saying it's easy for gay people I know that I pass as a straight person so it's easier for me you know what I mean is that what is that the thing people say people are like well you pass as a straight guy

that's why you work comedy clubs I said no they're wearing roller skates comedy clubs I make the people they're laugh yeah paid to be there I don't talk about come for an hour yeah and I don't do a you know like I talk about sexuality in the act and it is what like there's a whole idea now it's like no I hate to say but it's like it's no longer interesting being gay is no longer interesting yeah it just isn't dude I got in trouble at a mic some some girl pulled me a side outside and was just like you're you're you're punching down because I said I was just sitting in this mic and everybody was going up there and essentially their whole set was this is who I fuck and and nobody will take you know be okay with it and yeah by the way and everyone is everyone

is clapping they're like I fuck a dog everyone's like grab yeah no one cares yeah no one cares no I just I went on stage I was just like I hope that there's more to you than what you put your dick in or let people put in you I hope by the way there is spoiler alert there is not to many of these people there was not and that's the problem yeah many of these people I looked at them I'm like oh thank god you were gay because if not you would be a fuck you would be a customer service rabbit geico and there's nothing wrong with that but that's what you would do your conversations with people should consist of this where you hit from behind or the police on the way are you okay has an ambulance showed up that's what it is nobody needs your fucking thoughts your thoughts

have no value right your thoughts have no value because you put a dick in your mouth or you put your tongue in a pussy if you're what whatever day no one cares so my whole thing with love Simon is and here's the other thing right so I'll tell you about a love Simon situation that I had this is another reason that I might hate the movie because I will now tell you about love Simon it's about you but it doesn't what my loves you know the love Simon worked out very nicely in this film and they ended up this hot black kid hot white kid on a ferris wheel and it was the last scene of the movie is like they meet each other finally on this ferris wheel and they're like aren't you happy and da da da da and that's not what always happens and

that's unrealistic to me but people like that people love that stuff got a bow on it and people want the bow on it they they they want it to be but I used to there were these blogs in like 2000 and again I want to say this because I don't I never want to lie to my audience people have remarked to hear the show people said it sounds like you're smoking a cigarette on the show and I don't smoke it I've never smoked and what they're hearing when I smoke a cigarette they're hearing me enjoy a pair oh that's yeah yeah yeah I was wondering why you keep being very healthy it doesn't seem like pairs are healthy to be honest they're so good they're so luscious I haven't had one in a while except now I'm having one now it's a podcast pair

yeah so that's what it is but I used to there were these blogs where there would be these blogs would be like closeted frat boy and closeted frat boy would write it would be some kid who would be like in a frat in like a school and he would just write about fucking dudes on the dl and you would read these blogs to really get off that's why you would read the oh yeah he would tell some story about some guy that he met and you know and there are some frat guy that I didn't know was like we all got drunk and then we all you know was getting hazed with a paddle what they didn't know it was just porn essentially but then also these kids but you would fall in love with these guys if you kept read because you identified with them you're like well I'm in the closet and this

person's in the closet and and they had the life that you wanted they were they were you know good looking they were athletic and there were all these things that you wanted to be and they were fucking whatever so I started to correspond with a guy who was this closeted financial guy okay and he would write all these dumb you know things about what it's like to be a guy in the closet in the finance world and he had graduated an ivy league school and whatever and I just yeah I never saw his picture so I would just imagine what he looked like right so I would correspond with him back and forth and you know he would talk to me and I'd be like oh you know I'm a comedian and back then I was just like really doing open mics and everything I was

trying to I felt so you know this guy his own apartment that was really cool in the city and he was taking guys back there to fuck it all this shit and the other thing yeah so I was like corresponding with him and I'm like oh maybe one day we'll meet or anything like this which never happened but I was like oh you should come to a comedy show every now and then which he never you know of course he's never gonna go to um but uh I would I would correspond with him and then one day and this is what happened in love Simon one and we would we would correspond like a few times a week so it was like and I every you know when the email would come into my inbox I'd be like happy yeah oh this guy really cool and then one day I emailed him and the and the email was no

good really it didn't work so it was like he was you know what I mean disappeared like you were getting catfished or something I wonder to this day where that guy is I'm like did he marry a woman yeah did he come out of the closet so my last ditch attempt like like the email didn't work and I was just like I was just like I still think about that dude yeah that guy blurred his email just was like blurred because he said my life's a blur and he would just tell these stories yeah and a lot of them would be like you know I'm just I'm so uncomfortable somebody made this gay joke at work blah blah blah and then I went out and I met this guy and we did a fucking we go into this detail he knew why people wanted to read the blog you know what I mean he got it

like it was it was you know partially like oh I'm trying to figure myself out but then it was like you know he was like he was hung and he had such a huge dick you know he you know what I mean his balls were sparkling in the moonlight I was like oh this shit you know and then so one day and I don't know what happened it was like one of those people that I'll never know I kind of knew online but I'll never know as a human like I'll never know him as a person and it was just a weird feeling um well you were connected we were connected in a weird way how old were you 24 and were you were you still in the closet 100% yeah I mean and you so you got somebody that you're sharing your intimate details with a hundred percent embarrassed about or ashamed about with

everybody else that accepts you that you're relating to and then they just fucking disappear of course now you know that guy was corresponded with dudes who were hot and were like send a picture of their dick you know what I mean who knows and maybe maybe maybe love you for your mind here's the thing like maybe the guy was you know my friend said to me he's like that guy could have been 70 that guy could have been living this pretend world yeah just to and get like and that flipped me out could be your dad it could have been your your your own father my my father has never put work in anything like a blog post you know what I mean I'll tell you that much that would have been a paragraph uh uh no I love my father but before there's one of those guys who's like oh is it three

well it's quitting time um hey that's a good man it's quitting time it's one o'clock um but so then I got flipped out because I'm like oh this fucking dude that I had imagined was exactly but I think he still was that guy but I have no proof of that but I think he was this person that he said he was which was this young finance guy who was you know trying to figure himself out yeah kind of in the you know certainly in the closet experimenting and all this shit but I'll never know and it's weird then I'm like I want because he knows my name I told him my whole name and everything so I wonder if he's ever like been like oh I wonder what happened to that because he didn't talk to me we did have like meaningful conversations dude I bet he did man I bet because you don't I mean unless

it was a complete scam where somebody was just living a different life and just like writing you know they just wanted to be a creative writers they were writing these fucktails on you know blog posts and then ended up making a connection but I mean you can't correspond with somebody that much and then just not care I would say if if he's out there and he's listening to the show can you please piss in my mouth four four subscribers yeah you know what I mean yeah I mean four subscribers the intimacy I don't even think I'm into that but I just feel like because it's not I don't if you don't want to have sex with me it's fine I get hey sure I get it just a little piss in the mouth just piss in my mouth yeah because I talked to you for months yeah months of emails I cared

and I think it might be a nice thing for you to do to kind of give back to the community you know there's going to be a podcast that cereal does where they find out he's one of the smiley face killers that's another thing that I'll get no money from I'll make no revenue by the way when that smiley if that ever breaks you know they're going they won't go on my show they'll go on some big show I try to get those detectives on I'm like hey hey asshole you want to come on the show and maybe raise some awareness about this case you've been thumping around with for 20 years promising these families justice and and asking them for money and then they responded like well we're we're in this thing with oxygen we got to see what's happening with season two I'm like oh so

that's what it's about yeah yeah that's what it's if it's not you don't want to get the word out you don't care about finding the killer you care about being on oxygen so we could get a bunch of fat women as a crack detectives yeah a crack squad of fat detectives when they're folding that laundry they're made their minds going to take them on halo tops because they think it's healthy sitting there watching your show this one's whole grain yeah these fucking clouds like oxygen some like fucking like that's a great you know that's a great we're getting the word out on oxygen you know we're gonna put we're gonna put these kids photos on the back of lean cuisine boxes hopefully somebody finds them you know it's like retic then you see you're like I mean

you know but it was a weird it was a weird thing and there's a lot of dudes now that are that are gay that are not coming out or they're just like it is what it is there's a lot of bisexual guys there's a lot of guys that are just like I'm not gonna I don't you know for whatever reason they're like I just don't feel the need to yeah I believe I believe it I mean that it would be a weird thing to have to declare every what you're into sexually right with everybody I mean I understand the need to do it and obviously I'm you know I'm I'm I'm a cisgendered white piece of shit yeah but you know like that I would imagine it it's awkward to like have to go public you know with something like that people don't realize on stage I have to come out every single set yeah

so if I'm doing a headlining set I come out in the set if I'm doing a 15 minute set a lot of times I don't yeah because if I'm not working on a joke where it matters and now in some markets if you say you're gay you get a good will yeah I want to be like what can I say without them knowing that like how far can I push these jokes without them knowing that but in a headlining set I have material about it if I'm talking about it it does come out yeah but it's you know and there's a lot of gay comics it never have to that just get on stage and they're fucking cool and I mean it is what it is you could just tell you know yeah you can tell all your racist jokes and be like look I'm gay it's okay but a lot of the guys that I hooked up with two were like guys that are

either in the closet or weird not always in the closet a lot of them aren't but then they're just some of these guys are just weird like some of these guys are just like yeah I don't like I don't tell my parents what I do yeah I do the one guy who has a girlfriend and I'm like I wonder do you tell her and like I see them on Instagram and she's a hot chick and I'm like do you she know she know that makes it even hotter though if it's like yeah probably for both of you the fact that it's like that it's it's secret like right it's you know right you're turning this I I know a guy who gets blown by dudes periodically really yeah and I love the way I love the word periodically in that blown by dudes got blown by dudes periodically it's a biannual blowing

every now and then periodically he's just yeah what's his deal what does he say that I mean when I asked him about it because I'm just like because we were I was giving him shit about the whole me too thing and stuff because you know he's drunk and whatever when you know when it's happened and and he's like he's like it's fine it's not a big deal it's just you know it's like I don't care it's I'm not really I'm not really tied down to anything and I'm like well does do do people he's like yeah I mean my my my girl knows or whatever you know and she's she's aware of it but you know it's just one of those things I do when I when I start drinking and it's just like okay I mean all right hey live your life interesting but it is weird when

somebody who you have no idea that that you know has something like that that you just you have a preconceived notion and then they go oh yeah I just I got drunk last night and this dude blew me it's like oh there's a lot of dudes I tell everybody if you're close friends group of close friends there's one of your friends has gotten blown by a dude 100% oh yeah may not talk about it may happen more than once may not talk about it there's definitely a guy if you have more than six friends or even less you know there's no way yeah that one of those dudes has done something that you know they haven't you know disclosed yeah and that makes people think like I've told people that they're sitting back they're kind of like wow that makes me think yeah you know well I mean it's just fucking

sexuality you know sometimes people you get in the mood you know the right right you're in the right context who knows yeah who knows what's gonna go down you know that I do like your your your room your buddy who got the roommate who's nuts who's talking about his uncle reaching out I feel like there's those situations too where somebody will tell a story like that yeah to kind of prep him like you know what I mean because who knows if he was still in that house he could have done the uncle move yeah in the middle of the night and just be like oh sorry I was abused as a child that's my friends like radically straight he's like Howard Stern straight where he's like afraid of men he's afraid of like seeing a dick because he doesn't know what'll happen you know oh yeah

he's like a second you know Ray come by a great point about this guy Ray comes like oh you're a sex addict but you know you don't every now and then see what a dick's about you know what kind of addict is that yeah not a sex addicts that not very thorough I was a drug addict if you showed up with a pill I hadn't taken I'd be like let's take it for a spin yeah you never did heroin though right no I never did heroin I never did I what am I gonna find a vein for an hour sit there tie seven garden hoses around myself like the vein pops out what kind of doing yoga who has the time who has the time who has the time job who has the fucking but I remember I used to live with my grandmother and I would have to get guy like I would have a guy I

just kid come over and I say kid I don't mean kid he was like 19 he was home from college and he was a kid that went and he came over and it's when I was living with my grandmother in Long Island I was living with my grandmother I don't know why I thought like my grandmother went to church and then after church Cheryl from the church was taking her to get groceries Cheryl was crazy religious Cheryl used to like my grandmother was a very liberal devout Catholic but smart like liberal just got a doctorate from NYU like oh wow took a few classes at Yale very smart Cheryl was a like complete like hellfire and brimstone oh yeah catholic inquisition and like Cheryl would tell the kids like your dog doesn't go to heaven and then the kids would cry they would

tell my grandmother like yeah my grandmother would bring her in and be like hey Cheryl Cheryl let's uh she'd be like Halloween is satan's holiday and my grandmother said Cheryl Cheryl Cheryl let's rain it in a little bit let's just let's just the kids are seven I'm not gonna hide the truth from your children right right I'm not gonna do it right so you know Cheryl I think once told the kids like the kid was like my parents are divorced will they go to hell and Cheryl's like well yeah like you know these kids are like eight years old my grandmother's like Cheryl let's not so Cheryl loved my grandmother so Cheryl would take my grandmother so I had this kid come in 19 years old but look young how old were you around that age okay 20 how old was I

like this was last week it would be I have no if I listen I mean I don't care in the gay community it's not a big deal yeah you know it's really not it's see I mean it's like um it's like you do so it's like right everybody's trying to fuck yeah it's kind of like so this this this guy comes over he's 19 but he looks young and he's coming back from college and he comes over the house and he's in like basketball shorts and he's in like it's you really look no good I think I was like 28 or whatever basketball shorts though they sure this was like no good like if you saw this you would go oh I should call the cops you know like this this was something where you would see this in a you would see this and be like oh this is a documentary on Netflix no good you know the guy comes over in basketball

shorts like kind of like you know comes in he's like he's like I'm kind of hungry so I was like oh I'll make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich right so I make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich again weird weird feeling there not good seems odd so I make him the peanut butter jelly sandwich we we we we we we go in we we go into the room that I'm in we don't do any we're not fucking right I think we suck each other off I think I eat his ass for a little while and then we watch Game of Thrones okay okay and good looking you know whatever then I hear the sound of bags rumbling like grocery bags yeah and my grandmother and Cheryl walk in the house now he's naked on a bed watching Game of Thrones I'm naked on a bed watching Game of

Thrones you gotta get ready my grandmother and you know Cheryl who thinks the Virgin Mary talks to her every night are in the living room unloading groceries so now I have to figure out some type of thing so I'm like all right so he gets dressed and then I bring him out and I'm like oh I have a friend over and my grandma's like my grandmother knows I don't have any friends what friends you're a loser you're a 28 year old loser who's trying to be a comedian who works on a tour bus what friend of you what do you want drugs again like what who's signed on to this so and then he just comes walking out and the look on Cheryl's face because Cheryl was kind of like she knew what what it was but she didn't want to know what it was yeah yeah she want to call it out

she didn't want to call it out but she kind of knew what it was yeah and it was just the most awkward and it was just and this is before uber so I had to call the kid a cab and put him in a cab yeah and it was just it was suddenly everyone on my block was outside for some reason because it was like the spring and they're all watching me put this clearly younger yeah dude in a cab and like people just looking at me like shaking their heads you know and they were like you know yeah you know I like to fuck them you know I mean it was just one of those instances where it's like that's what love simon should be right that's what love simon is you're eating a kid's ass watching Game of Thrones in your grandmother's room but not her room your room

in your grandmother's bungalow and then her and her religious friend Cheryl come in to unload the groceries and you have to walk the dude out of there that's like a video game right there seek a mission that's what love simon is you know did I um let me ask you this yeah did you watch moonlight yes did you like moonlight I thought it was good yeah I enjoyed moonlight the only part I didn't like was the beach hand job yeah I didn't get I'd never like I'd never been in a hand jobs yeah I don't like hand jobs there's gotta be sand on his hand yeah I've never been a hand job guy I don't I don't get it it's not for me I mean I don't know I started it's completely everyone now has problems getting hard though because a lot of people are taking anti-anxiety and depression

pills since they're four years old oh yeah they're watching so they can't get hard the best thing they get is a half and you're just playing around with it all the time like smacking it putting it in the microwave you're trying to do anything you can to get a hard dick out of some of these you know Adderall zombies that I'm trying to fuck here and they're just they're kind of just rolling around like you know there's really good looking kids that just can't get hard and it's like you know you just make it out with a naked and he's just got this soft dick the whole time and you're like okay well this is that's not good this is not great but you know I mean I'm not exactly you know uh you know Zac Efron so I'm like well I don't think that's I don't think that's what it is I

so I grew up religious I remember what they used to say don't know porn porn's a sin yeah maybe that's it maybe everyone's doing too much porn I think it's the porn man because like it scales first you just see you know nudity you see genitals and you're just like oh my god and you're rock hard and then yeah before long you gotta you know somebody's gonna be ripping a cat's leg off sometimes that benefits me because I'm a cat's leg I can't come because I'm a fetish so if people get like I had one guy once who just grabbed my stomach and screamed for the whole time like he would just grab my stomach and like during sex well we weren't even having sex we was looking up and then he was just grabbing my stomach and like mashing it together and screaming

going and I think that's a fetish I yeah because I didn't know what it was and then I I I said to someone I think I put up on Facebook I'm like what is that and they're like oh that's a fetish I thought he was having an episode but he was grabbing the stomach just going screaming the top of his leg not in like pleasure like screaming like someone's trying to kill him really yeah I don't know somebody explained it to me that that was a fetish yeah I mean but hey whatever you know rocks your sock whatever floats your boat I mean I just that's you know that but that's what love Simon should be yeah love Simon should have ended with a guy a fat guy getting grabbed and have someone screwed because that's more interesting that's more interesting that's what they were doing on the

ferris wheel shouldn't we be fascinated or interested in something does everything have to give you that this is my problem with things it's like everything has to give you that warm fuzzy feeling that everything's gonna be okay nothing is gonna be okay right nothing so knowing that is beautiful knowing that we're all dying we're decaying we're in this fucking everything's horrible everything knowing that is great let's make some shit that fills you with the feeling of dread yeah and not the feeling of hope let's go the other way and if you may love Simon with me and you had a scene where a guy was just grabbing my stomach and mashing my fat together and screaming at the top of his lungs credits be god only knows what happened to him that made I used to say all

the time I think a lot of the guys I hooked up with were molested at a young age because my body type you have to get you have to get introduced to young I used to do that joke didn't it didn't really work sometimes people love the Trump hat like that he's like never stop doing it I think you know there's something to that there's a connection to that yeah if you learn sexuality with a certain context you when you're having sex again you want to reinstill that context a lot of the time right and usually people learn about sex in a fucked up way you know I just with this episode it's like god only knows where they put these ads god only knows god only knows where they put these advertisements but well dude when you're talking about not dudes not being able

to get hard bluetooth right there is huge right there get the bluetooth folks stop it stop with the soft dick nobody likes it nobody likes it's embarrassing fucking pedo or a weirdo hard dick it's hard to do anything with a soft dick it really is it really is grocery shopping anything you can't do much with it and every now and then you can't do much with a hard dick you know what I mean it's like I've been there sometimes you just Kevin tell people where to find you you're a really funny comedian you've got a lot of shit going on you're one of the guys I'm gonna be hopefully seeing a lot more of when I'm out here I'm moving here June I'll be here for dude I'm so excited it's gonna be a lot of fun are you moving in with Oscars or is he yeah I'm in West Hollywood I'm right around

the block for the improv and you know so hopefully they'll book me once every four months the you know what I mean that's how it goes out here I could go into a lab and make a bunch of influencers laugh dude three years ago thank god the talent booker at the Hollywood improv told me they love my stuff they this is they'd love to see a guy like me more on their stages and we'd love to get involved and I didn't get booked for two and a half years and and I just like well it's fascinating to me I'm like why remember that guy who killed himself by the comedy story jumped off that I'm like yeah why are people not doing that four times a week like all the people that I know I'm like why are you not blowing your brains out in the lobby of these comedy clubs hey I would be justified

it would it would make sense I mean the amount of nose these fuckers here they are resilient as fuck yeah oh yeah I'm like nobody is gonna have some fun yeah you can find me at Kevin tankin on Twitter and Instagram T I E N K E N I also do a weekly podcast with my buddy Evan called ripping and skip skipping which is completely different than this podcast it's mostly impressions and voices I've spared Tim from having to do my podcast I'll do it oh it's it's absolute insanity if you want to get in the in the vortex I'll do it I think you have fun I'll have you on yeah well we and this is a good episode because I addressed all the haters out there always saying I'm a heterosexual that's not true you've never eaten the ass of a a nice college boy while your grandmother

puts away baked beans yeah you can talk shit sometimes about love Simon you realize that it's an ass you go this is an ass it's still an ass like as fun or as exciting or as subversive as you think you're being it's still a fucking shit shoot it's like swallowing calm you go it always seems like it'll be a great thing to do and then when you do it you're like this didn't this didn't have to happen you know like you just you go all right this is uh this you know this is different in the movies there it is I want to go see Avengers I got to see Avengers endgame dude I just watched it with my wife and kids yeah it's very good it's three plus hours long it is very long well let me tell you there let me tell you what else do people in this country have to do dude I what let me tell you

right now nothing it might as well be 18 hours long these fuckers have nothing to do a lot of them yeah make it seven out they should start making movies seven hours and see if people go to them because guess what they will absolutely they will absolutely what do you do with your Saturday I'm seeing the new Avengers movie it starts at 10 a.m. it lets out at 9 p.m. you know it's great yeah lots of twists you know they don't give a fuck now do people take the phones out during three hours can people hang out three hours without the phone you know what I didn't see anybody pulling their phone out I pulled my phone out because Ben Ben was calling me about this are you a Game of Thrones guy oh yeah yeah are you happy with the season where it's at did you watch the most recent episode

I'm up to date dude I am I'm digging it I'm I'm digging it we'll see what happens you want to be on the Iron Throne at the end I mean I kind of want John to be on the throne you know at the end I mean that's because that's been uh knowing me yeah who do I want uh uh uh fuck god damn it I can't remember the guy's name uh not a guy oh it's not it's not a guy you want Cersei on the Iron Throne you damn fucking right why does Cersei get no support other than the fact no literally why does Cersei get no support other than the fact that she's a woman I I I mean she's fucking her brother um I mean he's fucking hot as fuck I'd fight that was my brother I would have sex with my brother if I had an attractive cousin that would fuck me that I liked I would fuck my cousin I was cousin

I would fuck my brother if he was first cousin you could cut off all of his limbs and I'd still fuck I would fuck my first cousin if I was attracted to of hot cousin if I had a hot cousin that said do you want to fucking be like absolutely yeah I would not feel weird about that at all well you don't have to worry about the you know having a retarded kid or anything you know it's you're good if I had a hot cousin I'd adopt a kid with my cousin literally I would I don't care I literally don't care why not I I got no good arguments for me I don't understand people's weirdness about having sex with their family yeah you know they're closed minded they're closed minded literally no man people think they're so kind of being serious I'm kind of

being serious yeah like well think about it think about this it looks like a good piece you have a hot cousin hot yeah cousin oh yeah you guys know each other well you like each other lots to talk about got a lot of it fuck that you got a lot of talking about that you got a hot cousin that wants to fuck you don't fuck your cousin I I mean I get it I get it I mean I I don't fuck anybody that you're married as a rule you're married uh but a hot cousin in in general I mean second cousin I wouldn't even think about second cousin I'd hit on like second cousin I would send dick pics to at a holiday how close how close are you wanting to get I mean what if your dad's really hot and he wants to fuck

I mean it's not the situation but if I had a hot dad would I fuck my hot dad to consenting adults listen listen listen listen find a hot dad like a real daddy like a guy made a lot of money salt and pepper beer guy and he had a lot of money and he just took his big dick out all the time yeah picks you up in his cat he pulls his dick out what I suck my if my dad was really hot and really rich why not would I suck him off probably I mean if I listen I'm one of these people that I believe that life is really you gotta it's up it's up for the taken you gotta go and get it live life for the full you gotta go and get life strike while the air is hot life and get it grab life by the dick you gotta go and get it so there's a lot of homophobic people

that will hear this podcast and attack me for saying to find a hot dad I would fuck my dad you should fuck your dad they repeat they're homophobic people out there that don't understand sexuality and they don't understand anything so they're heteronormative yeah ways of looking at the world would be like oh no of course you don't fuck your first cousin yeah yeah you do yeah yeah you do dude what I love is thinking of the podcast listener that found your podcast from one of your more serious episodes yeah like when you had the CIA guy I'm yeah sure I'm I mean I'm dead serious about fucking my hot cousin if I had a hot cousin I'm not even lying if I had a hot cousin they wanted to bone I would be like let's do it I feel like you do and you're trying to send out

a message no they're not they're not they really look like shit to be honest they really do what if they drop a few pounds you know I dropped you know they would some of them were decent early on a lot of them they're in relationships now and a lot of them have they've they've let it go they've let themselves go I mean but you're having a few drinks maybe a couple of eggnogs at a Christmas party I'm not fucking my cousin unless they're hot you know what I mean like I'm not gonna fuck I'm not gonna fuck a six or a seven yeah you know what I mean oh yeah I did I got a hot cousin and oh yeah I mean I but and you know you're growing up you just what's around you know you're yeah around and she's she's gorgeous yeah and and and I just yeah you know it was a real

it was a real struggle for me growing up you know to not to not put the vibes out yeah and you would would you ever fantasize about your cousin I don't know if I'd go so far as fantasizing the the most weird sexual shit that happened family-wise yeah was I was probably I was a young people getting so hot right now yeah keep going it was me and my my cousin it was a dude and we were well yeah and we were we were we were playing army oh yeah he was like 13 I was 10 no no no no no no you were both 18 it was sunset hold on no I remember because we were playing we were playing army and then we were at my grandma's house grandma's there's a hotbed yeah and and I remember him being like

well we're gonna go on leave you know we're going to war so we got you know one night so let's grab our girls and go up to the bedroom so we literally I remember going up to like this this bedroom that had two twin beds yeah separated by like a wall and he's like all right you take your girl over there I'll take my girl over here and then I just sat in the bed I don't know what he was doing on the in the other bed but that was that was it was a it was very interesting pretty intense I'm just telling everybody right now that if I had a hot first cousin that wanted to fuck I would fuck them all the time and um thanks for listening goodbye