The Tim Dillon Show - 154: 154 - The 3 AM Episode

Episode Date: June 30, 2019

Tim records an episode at 3 in the morning. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell! It's 3 a.m. We're in California. We were sitting upstairs at Ben's house and we were talking about drugs and we were saying, I was saying we should go record some of this because it's gold. Whether it is or not. We were just talking about, you know, because I did some drugs. I know some of you don't believe that. People get angry.

Some people send me comments on Reddit or whatever. A screenshot. He made up that he did drugs to make himself seem dark. It's like, hey, number one, it wasn't all that dark. It had dark elements. It was a lot of fun. I'm not Hemingway. And also, doing drugs or doing a line of blow at 13 is not an uncommon thing.

I mean, it's not, you know, the typical behavior of a 13-year-old, but it's also not like an unheard of thing. People are like having kids at 14. People having children at 14 years old. You think it's so unbelievable? And you think that's what I invented, by the way? You know, like I invented the fact that I did blow at 13 to just give myself some depth. Because there's nothing else in my life that could have made me interesting, by the way. I had to say, oh, and by the way, at 13, I did a bump of coke in my friend's backyard.

So, you know, I get it. Whatever everyone else is going through out there, I get it. You know? Like, I never talk about addiction. I never really talk about recovery. Who cares? And I don't because I know when I inevitably relapse and I'm on this podcast barely able to speak, it's going to be real, real...

Try not to laugh at the mic, Ben. People hate your laugh. I had a second complaint about it. We have now two complaints. I saw three positive comments about my laugh. Tens of thousands of people listen to this show. Two to three of them want to kill you because of your laugh. That's where they're at in their life.

They want to murder you because the sound of joy leaving your body just fucking rubs them the wrong way. But, like, it's just funny to me that, like, that's the thing. Say I'm not gay. Say I'm pretending to be gay. It's much funnier and a better argument than, like, oh, he's pretending to do drugs. Look at me. I clearly did drugs at some point in my life. Listen to my voice.

What do you think was going on? I wish I didn't. It's not like a mark of pride. That's what these idiots don't realize. They think it's like I think it was cool. No, I think it was cool to be a brilliant athlete and get a scholarship and do good things. Like, that would have been cool. What I did was, like, fine.

Fine. It was a fine way to live. It was not uncommon. Being a drug addict for closing on a house in Long Island, this does not make me special at all. Maybe in your town, maybe where you grew up, this makes you, maybe you think it's like a big deal. Nobody would even understand in Long Island what you meant if you were like, yeah, that guy, like, made up that he was a cocad when he was a teenager and then bought a hat. Like, everybody would be like, what?

Yeah, he wanted to seem different. He made up that he was a cocad and he went bankrupt. Everyone would be like, different? What? No, if I wanted to be different where I came from, I would have made up a college that I attended. That's what I would have done. You sleuths. You Reddit sleuths out there.

But I was telling Ben, there was a pizzeria in my town that sold coke. This is how fat and sad my town was that a pizzeria got busted for selling cocaine, not a bar, not a club, a pizzeria. And this is true. It's all in the news. It's all verifiable. We can post the articles. You can look it up. You know, he's making it up.

He made that thing up out of a pizzeria selling coke in his town because he wanted to seem dark. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Brilliant. And I have so many shows, right? All this drug stuff I fabricated. That's why I have all these shows and development now. The movie about my life's coming out. It all worked.

It all worked. It's coming out this summer. They used to call this place and order the slang for cocaine was a white pie, which was pretty standard. Nobody really ordered white pies ever. I mean, I'm sure that they were a thing. They are good. A white pie is just cheese. And when I grew up, no one ever fucked with that.

You go over somebody's house, they had a pizza. They had maybe pepperoni. You know, the gourmet pizza thing came in later where you would just throw anything on a pizza. You know, you put shaved black truffles on pizza. That wasn't my upbringing, sadly. But you just pizza. That was it. Or cocaine.

That was the other option. You could get pizza or you could get cocaine. And people would come in and people would just order a white pie. And Ben asked me, Ben, was like, did they go through the trouble of putting like an eight ball of coke? Which is, look at what an eight ball Ben is. I forget. Is it two and a half grams? It may be more than that.

Man, I haven't done an eight ball in a while. And I mean, in like seven or eight years, I don't mean a while like, you know, a few days. I mean, I'm 3.5 grams. 3.5 grams of cocaine. That would be a white pie, an eight ball. And Ben was like, did they put it in a pizza box? I don't know. But I do know that me and my friend, when we ordered drugs from that pizza where we also wanted a pizza,

which a lot of other people did it. I'm not even kidding. This is not a joke. I wish it was. We would order. We would order. We also wanted food. We're like, hold on.

Why don't you stay on the line? They're like, yeah, we'll be there in a few minutes. It's like, no, no, no, relax. You're not going to be here in a few minutes. You need to make some stuffed shells first. This isn't fucking. Kurt Metzger likes your laugh, too. Fuck these people.

But we would order weed and we'd get bags of weed on top of a barbecue chicken pizza. The best barbecue chicken pizza sucks now. It just sucks. People don't understand what it should be. What a barbecue chicken pizza should be is a regular pizza with red sauce and cheese. And you should take chicken cutlets that are breaded and chop them up in a bowl with open pit barbecue sauce, which a lot of people do not like this barbecue sauce because it's very strong tasting. It has a metallic taste.

It's a reddish brown color. If you cook it, it gets even darker, like dried blood. And they serve it with steak tidbits in Long Island. And if you take it and you don't heat it up, you don't cook it. You take the open pit and you toss the breaded cutlets that you've chopped up in the barbecue sauce and you just put it on top of the pizza. And the cutlets are cooked, they're warm, it's whatever. That is the best.

And maybe throw a little cheese on top of that if you want. But that is the best kind of barbecue chicken pizza, just sloppy, disgusting, white trash. And my friend's mother was lactose intolerant and she had something called lactate. And we used to drink it and we used to call it Tate. We used to go get some Tate. It's disgusting. Tasted like gelatin. I don't know what it was.

It wasn't milk. Lactate now is, I think, better tasting. But it wasn't really in the late 90s. It was rough. And we would eat barbecue chicken pizza and lactate. And I remember his mother walked into the kitchen one day. This woman was great. This woman was named Barb.

I'm not going to tell you her last name, but she would go, hello boys. Hello boys. And she always had Marlboro Red hanging out of her mouth. Her and her husband were sitting in these lazy boy recliners and they would just smoke and watch the tube and drink a little sangria or maybe a little wine on a holiday or a special occasion. Weekends would be a little sangria to make a batch of sangria. And she was fucking hilarious. When I remember one day she walked into the kitchen and we were eating barbecue chicken pizza and drinking lactate.

And she just looked at us and she went, hello boys. She goes, you know, you boys are disgusting. Two chubby kids eating pizza, drinking lactate. And I don't even think we looked at her. I think we just kept eating. I don't even think we looked at her. He had an older brother who was a cop now was like an in shape guy who was disgusted by us. He wouldn't even look at us.

He hated his brother and he hated me. And he would always say things like his brother had a room in the basement and his older brother big, what are you two guys doing fucking each other down there? And we weren't. It was a fun thing to say. And like, and his mother would always be like, enough of that. He's like, what are you doing down there fucking each other? She'd be like language. And we wouldn't even, we just keep eating.

You know, it's good barbecue chicken pizza when you just keep going. People could say whatever they want about you. But I'll tell you, it's funny when I think about like that time. You hear different stories about how like people grow up. You know, like we have a, you know, now it's like, you know, everybody now is like, it's nicer now. It's a nicer, it's a nicer world, I guess. I mean, I'm sure it is. People are kinder, gentler.

They try to be. I don't know that that I think in some cases that's great. You know, it ain't funny. I'll tell you that much because we would get brutalized. But it was very funny. When you look back on some of the things people would just say to you. It was, she wasn't even mad when she was like, you boys are disgusting. She was just making an observation that was accurate.

And it was just really, really funny. And you can't, I had another friend whose mother was like a high priced call girl at one time. And I'm talking like when I'm, this is when I'm in junior high. And her mom was a sexual woman, an older woman, but a sexual woman. Like, she said to me and my friend once, we were standing in her kitchen. And I think a girl in our grade had just gotten pregnant. It was kind of like a big deal. And the mother came up to it.

The mother had like three names, like different names throughout her life. But they all ended with an eye. One was Tony, one was Brandy and one was Tony. They all ended with an eye. I'm like, people knew her as different names throughout her life. She's one of my favorite people to this day. I watched, she drove me and her daughter when we were in eighth grade to a head shop to buy bongs. And she drove us there hammered.

And she was drinking in the car and she was chugging. I forget what is the thing that tastes was, I don't think it was Jaeger, but she was just chugging. What's the thing that's like, tastes like medicine almost? Was it black house? What's black house? I could be totally wrong here, but. Black house liquor.

Maybe it was that. Is it the purple label? I think it was. I can't be sure. Yeah. I think it might have been. I don't know what it was. It was something that her daughter liked.

Tastes like blackberry. And she drove us to the head shop. We're in eighth grade. Drove us to the head shop to buy nice bong. Her daughter got a beautiful glass bong. And she was drinking black house and she looked at me and she looked at her daughter and she saw we had all this weed and she goes, we're going to have a good night on earth tonight.

Swear to God. And this was a great woman. This was a good woman. Now this is, I guess, to many people listening, they would disagree with that and they would have maybe an argument, sure. But I remember after this, we found out this girl got pregnant. Me and my friend Shay were standing in this woman's kitchen and she said, you know what you do?

You know how you can avoid this? And we weren't even, we were doing nothing. We were eating barbecued chicken pizza. We're not fucking anyone. We're not getting hand jobs. Nothing was going on. No two people needed that talk less than me and this kid. I was just a sexually confused foodie.

And then this kid wasn't really fucking anyone either. So nobody, we weren't like virile, like strapping young guys that were like, you know, siring a fucking brood of children. She came up to us. You got to remember when the eighth grade came up to us and she goes, you know what you do when people ask if you fuck? That's what she said. Because people ask, if you're having sex, if you're fucking, you tell them,

no, you say, I fuck myself. You say, I treat myself real good. She was like in front of us, right in our face. She goes, you say, I treat myself real good. I masturbate and I have sex. And me and him were like just so stoned. And this was maybe the funniest thing that had ever happened in our lives. That this woman who was clearly, she had the energy of a madam.

Like every madam that's ever been portrayed in any popular culture, it's this woman. And she was like, you tell him, you treat yourself real good. And I remember standing there with him and then she left the room. And we collapsed on the floor laughing so hard. And then there was a guy who lived downstairs named Uncle Rick. And he had no tongue. He had like half a tongue.

He would talk like this. And he'd go, Tony, Tony. Like he had half a tongue. I don't know why. Cancer. Something happened. And he, we're laughing. We're on his kitchen floor.

He opens his door and he goes, get off the fucking floor. And we were now crying, crying, laughing. He's like, you two fat fucks, get off the floor. We just stumbled out of the house crying, tears streaming down our face. I think I left my jacket there. It was like fucking December. It's cold. And I mean, not six months later, we do acid at this woman's house.

We tell her, she knows we're all doing acid. And we loved hanging out in that house. We loved it. Me and my friend, we never wanted to leave. Everybody, like her daughter wanted to leave because she lived there. So like a bunch of kids would come over to house. We'd do all kinds of drugs. And then the daughter would leave with the kids and like go to the park or go walk around or go meet other people.

Me and my friend were like, no, we'll hang at the house. We thought it was a little resort. It was on the water, like a bigger house. It's just nice. We just liked being in the house. So what happened was the daughter and some of our other friends go to trip acid. They're like, we want to be in nature. We want to go to the park and we want to maybe we'll go to the beach.

Me and my friend are like, no, thanks. We'll just hang out in Lisa's room. And the mother opens the door as we're tripping. She comes in and she starts dancing and she goes, do the funky. She was doing the funky chicken dance and she was kind of talking like Uncle Rick for whatever reason. She's like, do the funky, do the funky. And we just stared at her and then she looked at us and she went, now you'll never know if that really happened or not. And she just shut the door.

This woman was a great woman. One time a guy ripped her daughter off for drugs. And she just started calling every drug dealer in town and telling them that this guy was a rat and he was working for the police. I remember that she called every single person. She goes, I just want to let you know that Jonathan's working for the police. Jonathan's a rat. He's working for the police. Do with that information what you want.

I mean, she got out of a car once and accosted this guy. My friend's a lesbian, this girl. She always dated strippers, like hot strippers. It was kind of crazy. And then one of those strippers was at the house once and apparently her mother walked outside and just mushed her. You like mush someone's face, you know, and you take your hand and mush their face. So she mushed her stripper girlfriend's face in the car. And you know, me and my friend were always there.

We were always there, just two chubby kids in every drama, every family problem. We were just standing there, you know, just there. And the stripper walks in and she's like, Tony mushed me. She just mushed me. And we went in there and Tony looked at her daughter and goes, I don't know what she's talking about. I think she's sick. I think she's very sick. And then we went in Tony's room and Tony goes, she gave us give us a Viking in each.

And she goes, and then she showed us each how she mushed her. She showed us each how she did it. We were so happy. We took a little Viking and we're sitting there. And she goes, I just went up to her and I mushed her in her face. Tony's like, you had to see her face. And we just laughed. And these are these are the this is what I feel like you don't have with the opioid crisis.

You don't have these fun stories. You have a lot of problems now have a lot of issues, a lot of issues out there. It's not nearly fun. Now drugs were not always fun. They ended up poorly for me as, as, as many others, you know, I have no credit. So that's one of those reasons when you pull my credit score up, you get a blank piece of paper. You know, I have no, I have no, like I don't exist. On paper in this world.

I'm doing okay on Instagram, but I don't really, I don't exist. Everything I've done credit wise has been so horrific. I've had a car repossessed a house foreclosed. I remember this is how poor people stay poor. I got a credit card once golden key credit, which is like the shittiest credit card. I think the limit was 250. The activation fee was 230. So I activated this card and then I go try to pay for dinner and it wouldn't even go through.

It was a cheap dinner and it wouldn't even go through. This was years and years ago, but it just goes to show you how fucked activation. He was like to hodge 250 maybe. And there was no limit on the card. And then you could of course call it and try to increase it just to, just to stay fucked. Stay fucked. Get fucked and stay fucked. Cheap predatory credit.

But yeah, drugs didn't end well, but there was a lot of, like there were some really funny people back then. You know, there were some really, and this woman had an impact on me because she was a real character. She was a genuine, genuine character. And you know, like that was a house you'd go if you needed weed. How's she'd go if you needed a couple of vikies. She's still there. Where's she now? She's still there.

You know, I think they're, I mean, they're probably real. I think they're, they're very tame now. Like there's nothing going on. Her daughter doesn't live there anymore. Like it's not, it was a party house. It's not a party house. I mean, her other daughter, who I know, her other daughter dated a guy who ended up dying. Of an overdose.

Good dude. Great dude. This guy, Connor, really great fucking guy who fucking died sadly. And I knew his little brother and I knew his mom. Like I knew their whole fucking family and he was dad. And I still do. And they're great kids, great people. But it was tough.

It was like, that was a, but, but you know, they were a wild family. They were wild. Everybody's got a family like that. Everybody's got a wild, unless you're a total fucking pussy, like, you know, every single person that writes for a show. And if they have had no valuable, comedic experiences in their life, other than writing some half-baked shit for the Harvard lampoon that nine people can understand. And even they're not laughing at it.

So, I mean, I mean, but other than that, everybody has, everybody has a crazy fam. Do you, did you have a crazy, cause I have a few, I have a few crazy families. Did you have a crazy family in, in Texas? In, yeah, in Tuscola. I mean, it was a lot of, you know, math and just like good old boys who would pull guns on each other that would still deer feed from each other and like legitimately pull guns. They would steal deer feed. Just deer corn.

There was this one guy. God, you a white trash. Jesus Christ. Can't even tell a story without just putting it all. They would steal deer feed from each other. They'd pull guns. There's this kid named Cactus. Yeah.

Leap birth name. Perfect. You want to know his, okay. His real name is, I can't say it. It's so funny though. Fuck. His, his last name is a liquor brand. Why can't you say it?

Well, I guess I can. He's passed away now. But his name was. Of course you can say it. You dumb fuck. His name was Cactus Jack Daniels. Swear to God. Really?

Swear to God. When you name a kid that, that is, that's a death sentence. That kid is dead. Cactus Jack Daniels. Cactus Jack Daniels. How's Cactus Jack doing? Um, well, he just graduated Northeastern and he's got his own veterinary practice. No, you know how he's doing.

He's dead. How did you know this kid? I went to school with him. And I mean, one day there was this kid named, I think his name was like Easton. And he's fucking names, man. He stole a bag of deer feed. Why? Because I have Cactus's truck just to fuck with him.

How old are these kids? Oh, 16. I mean, a lot of kids got sent home because the sheriff would go through the parking lot and find shotguns and rifles in their car. And they'd be like, Hey, you got to, you can't have, they're like, well, I'm going hunting after school. They're like, Yeah, you can't have eight guns. Now the kids go, I'm going hunting in school.

So that the sheriff would send them home? Yeah. Yeah. Cactus went and pulled a gun, pulled a 22 on Easton. He drove to his house and he was taking the deer feed out of the back out of the truck bag and putting it his and yeah, it was Easton walked out of the house and pulled a gun on him. He's like, you better put that fucking bag of deer corn back where it belongs.

And they had, they pulled guns on each other and then just went their separate ways. I mean, this is like, how did Cactus pass away? Um, he had a weird thing in his head. You know when people have like, is it a brain hemorrhage? Aneurysm. Yeah. Yeah. He had that.

He just like, he just died 24. Sweet kid. Sweet kid. I love that guy. He was a nice guy. RIP. I keep thinking of Captain Jack. That's the Long Island version.

Yeah. Captain Jack. Man, Texas is a different kind of crazy. You know, we didn't have any good. Nobody I knew had a gun. I think some of the kids' dads had guns. Some of the kids' dads were like mob guys because the town that I lived in was a town where dudes were in, were connected guys.

But when I was growing up, it was the tail end of that. At least tail end of like organized crime. And it was just like street guys that were just, they were somebody's cousin. And they would, you know, like the town that I grew up, and this is true, Tony Soprano was based off a guy that lived in my town who ran a family in New Jersey, the Decaval County family. And a lot of the episode ideas come right out of RICO transcripts that our friend, that guy was like taking out, FBI showed up to his house.

It was like a thing. You know, I showed you the house. Yeah. Yeah. I grew up right there. Yeah. My mom like taught his kids how to swim. And then there were other, like all the, like a few, like Henry Hill lived in the town.

I grew up in good fellas and Paulie from that movie, living that day. I mean, my family had no real dealings. My grandmother was a school teacher. My mother taught people how to swim. My dad was like a musician. So he would just play music at bars and then, you know, he was in office. He sold office equipment or whatever he thought he did. And, uh, but no, we weren't like intimately involved, but like my dad, when he got to

the town, it was like a tough town. When I was growing up, it was not that it, but there was still, it was still that it was still kind of in the air, even though it was over, you know, it was over in like a substance substantive way, but it was still there. Like there was like the town I grew up in had a lot of bars. The nightlife was big and the bar business in that town was huge. Is there like any Italian mob left? Yeah, sure.

But they're not, I mean, they're not a factor in the way that like the Russians are or even like MS 13, things like that. You know, I don't think, I think, you know, they lost, they can't buy judges anymore. They don't have the political clout. They don't have, they just can't. Everybody rats now. Everybody kind of just says what they did. Nobody gets killed.

They all just go and open up a strip club in Arizona or Vegas or something. Then they're, they're kind of okay. They'll like leave the witness protection program. That's okay. They write books. They go on TV. They do podcasts. They are there.

They're on Twitch. No one's killing them. You know, they're on TikTok dancing. They're fine. There's no more threat that like you'll be ostracized and you'll be a rat. It's like, everyone's a rat. Right. Right.

You can't go to somebody anymore. Like your grandfather's a rat. It's like, yeah, well, he's on TikTok. He's got 800 views dancing, a little Nas X. You go, all right. Yeah, he's cool. Hey, but I mean, that was like, and the town's called Island Park. You can look all this up, by the way, before you go, you know, accuse me.

He made up all this stuff. He said he was in the mafia when he was a kid because no one listens. They listen every eighth word. And then they concoct what I said. He said, he told Gavin McGinnis. He was in the mafia. Um, but it was a, it was a weird, it was a lot of drugs. There were a lot of drugs around, you know, the girl who lived across the street from

me, her brother sold acid and she took like a half a sheet of it and then cut off half of her hair with a kitchen knife. And she was a problem. You know, she was a little loopy. Um, she had some issues after that. She had some issues. I'll be very honest. She was, you know, eccentric, but you could get, you know, everybody smoked weed.

Everybody, you know, pretty much did any hallucinogenic, you get your hands on, whether it was acid shrooms, special K, you know, ketamine. I think it's a cat tranquilizer. I forget. I think it's a cat tranquilizer. You could look that up. You go in a K hole. If you took too much of it, we had, there was this one guy who would take way too much

and then just sit there and stare. Is it a cat tranquilizer? I'm wrong. You could be wrong on that. I always thought it was a horse tranquilizer. Yeah. I don't know. And then, uh, people would do not Molly.

They would just, just, uh, just, uh, ecstasy. And back in those days, I sound like a boomer. Back in those days, the ecstasy tablets had Mitsubishi logos and some of them would have logos of other things from pop culture. Um, and it was a good time. It was a great way to grow up. It was a great way to grow up doing drugs with crazy people. Now it did not prepare you for life.

That is the flip side. The flip side of that is there were not a lot of college tours. Like, you know, I heard like Greg Fitzsimmons was taking his son to all these colleges. It's like a nice thing to do. That didn't happen with a lot of my friends. Their parents weren't touring colleges with them. Some were, but a lot of the people I knew that was not it. You know, they weren't going on a college tour with pop.

You know, it didn't, you know, that was never even thought of in my family. Like that my dad would go and drive me to a bunch of nice liberal arts schools in the northeast. You know, talk about my dad always said my biggest regret was not finishing college, but then he also never told me to really go to college. He's like, you should go to school. You know, but not, you know, it was like, he's like, my biggest regret was not going to college. Almost, he almost said it like, and he knew that would be also my biggest regret. He's like, in this family, our biggest regret is that we don't go to college.

Son, he told me once, I said, well, why don't we go to camp? Why don't I go to camp? And he goes, we're not Jewish, which meant I don't have money. I'm a manager of color tile. That's why you're not going to camp. Now go to that school recreation program with all these other degenerate brittle boned, you know, jolly rancher eating future cocaine addicts and that makes them lifelong friends at the school. That's a great way.

It's a great way for your kids to be drug addicts by the time they're 15. Send them to a school recreation program in the summer with everyone else who's too poor to afford to go to sleepaway camp. Those kids will really figure it out together. Huh? That's a great group. She's everybody from detention and summer school. Yeah, we go to the shitty program and like the bus drivers.

Every bus driver in my town was a morbidly obese woman and kind of retarded. Like there was this one named Ronnie. There was one lady named Miss Donnelly. She hated us. Would you guys fuck with her? Would you guys like? She'd go, sit down. That's all she said.

That was her whole job. Sit down. And she hated us because we'd knock on a door high because she lived on our block. And we'd knock on a door and we'd be like, can we use the phone? And she'd be like, get out of here. And we'd go, all right. One time we knocked on a door, we're like, do you have the time? And she's like, it's 430.

Get out of here. She lived on my block. We thought it was hilarious. It was high. It was just funny to us to knock on her door. She hated us. There was Ronnie. Ronnie was kind of, Ronnie would let me out.

They weren't supposed to let you out during lunch recess. And Ronnie would let me out because she was gone. She was, and I'd go, Ronnie, there's a fire. And she would open the door. And she would never get excited or scream. I'd go, Ronnie, there's a fire. We've got to go. She'd go, OK.

And then open the door. And then they'd walk over to her and be like, Ronnie, you can't let him out. And she'd be like, he said there was a fire. Ronnie, there is no fire. I don't know why they put her on the door. I don't know why they put this woman on the door. I got suspended once and I put it on Instagram for being, swear to God, quotes, Timmy was given a day of in-school suspension for being, and I quote,

rude and inappropriately demanding of the staff in the lunch room. Because these lunch aides, by the way, were like, they wanted to be teachers, many of them. Many of them, like, for whatever reason, couldn't. They couldn't be teachers. So they were lunch aides. And I'm not shitting on lunch aides. But I will say, I will say, I will say this.

This is maybe a controversial take. These are not the brightest people on the planet. In most cases, there's a, I'm sure there's a brilliant lunch. And I'm not, by the way, this isn't a comment on their value as people, but they're not there. They were, in many cases, frustratingly stupid. Even as a child, I would be like, why are you this dumb? How are you this offensively stupid?

And I was a cunt of a kid. I'm never trying to exonerate myself in any of these stories. And like, we had frozen yogurt in the lunch room. I don't know why, but we had frozen yogurt at one time and you get these little, you know, the little cups that they test yogurt with now, like you get a little taster cup, where they hand up pills in mental institutions like where my mother lives. They have these little cups and they fill them with sprinkles.

You only got like two sprinkle cups per thing. And I was kind of like, that's, I don't, that isn't, that isn't working. So I took a bunch more. And the woman who was like this Czechoslovakian woman, instead of just yelling at me, started crying. That I took more sprinkles than I should have. She started bawling and wailing. Like, like, like someone had like sold her gypsy daughter into sex slavery.

Like she was wailing like, oh, and she's crying. And then all the other lunch aides ran over to her. They brought me to the Dean. They studied or the principal at that point and they were like, he made her cry and he starts screaming at me. And I was just staring at all these people like, what are you doing? What is your life? What is your life?

I don't understand. Why is she crying that I took extra sprinkles? And why have you people tolerated this instead of hitting her and then me? The only move there was to beat both of us. That was the only logical thing to do. But instead you've rushed me to the principal's office. And that poor guy's probably trying to, I don't know, fuck a student in there.

And you interrupted him. And now he's got to lecture me on fairness or whatever. So this is, you know, again, don't, this is if you're going to invest in your kids, send them to a real school. Send them to a real summer program. Don't send them to a program where they're going to meet the future people who are going to OD in their house. Get a real, get a real thing going.

I mean, but a lot of my friends made it out. A lot of them are dead. Some of them went to jail. Some of them went to jail and then cleaned it up. Some of them, like me, financially ruined their lives. But a lot of them, I feel like my close friend is fine. The kid that I used to hang out and eat barbecue chicken pizza with, he's doing great. But we would just, we, I've always been a guy that like, even though I've had groups of friends,

I tend to have one or two close friends. And then we kind of make our way through different groups. Like we never, I was never the guy, like I've been in groups, but I always was kind of a guy that had like a partner or a few close friends. And you would kind of go out and do shit with them and you'd go to places. And I think part of that was that I didn't play sports. So it wasn't on a team. So you didn't have a bunch of kids.

Like I was on swim team. That's not a team, you know, but the sports kids always had a huge click. Of people, you know, even in high school, when I was a quote unquote popular kid, I was like, you know, nominated for homecoming king. And I hung out with all the jock kids. Even in that group, I had a little smaller group of people, which I think everybody does at a certain point. But, you know, so me and my friend would just, we would go out and get in trouble.

We'd just go out and make friends. And you can kind of make friends. If you don't have a large group, you can, you can assimilate into other groups. So if you go with six people, it's harder for, you know, these Hector and Sonya, these two people that are in their 20s, you're 14, they're in their 20s. You can't jump in their car and go to the Bronx to get Coke if you're with six people. But if it's just you and your friends who are in size three people, but you can still fit in the back of a car with Hector and Sonya,

and you can take a nice little drive to the Bronx to get some weed and some cocaine and just drive around and have some fun. And that's what we did. That was what we did. That was eighth grade. Are you handing me more cigarettes? Yeah. That's sweet.

No, no ones. You know, it's, you know, it's so funny. Go on Google. There are people at Google. Can I get six smoking stale cigarettes? Isn't that good? Isn't that? No, they're the healthy ones.

They're the good ones. It's, it's amazing. But that's kind of when I, when I remember that stuff, I remember it as fun, but it was also a lot of, you know, getting caught coming home at two or three a.m. being terrified of our parents being home or being up. They were always home. I would say I was sleeping at this kid's house. He'd say I was sleeping in my house.

We'd spend an entire night going out with crazy people. And then we'd have to come home and tiptoe in his house at fucking 245. And I remember one time like we always, there was this part of my town where it was a block away from his house, but as soon as you turn the corner, you can see his house. And every time we came home for the most part, the lights were dark. And then one night we're coming down off coke, which is the worst feeling in the world, you know, and we turn the corner and the lights are on and we froze like a stone. Because at 245 in the morning, there was no reason that the lights in his house should be on.

And I mean all of them, not a nightlight, not a kitchen light. The living the lights are on. So we looked and he looked at me and I remember that he goes, we're fucked. We're fucked right now. I looked at him and I said, yeah, here we are. He goes, we're just going to say we were walking around. That was always our go to. We were clearly drug addicts.

People were missing money. School was suspending us. We were hanging out with the bad kids. Everybody knew that everybody, you know, there are people out there that are a mess in their life and they think they're fooling everyone. You're fooling no one. And when you go back and talk to those people, they know I brought Ben to one of my friend's houses in Long Island. I was in the mortgage industry and he was like, yeah, Tim would show up in different cars.

He'd disappear for two or three days, show back up, looking crazy. You're not, no one's fooled. Everybody knows what you're doing. They might not want to believe it, but they know down deep that you're a fucking degenerate. So we go to his house, we walk up and we said, we go, we're just going to say we're walking around. Are we not going to do a Barb? Barb answers. Barb's got a marby red hanging out of her mouth.

She goes, hello boys. What the fuck? She goes, you know, I was on the phone with Patty Dillon. Patty thinks we should call the police. So let me call her back and let you know that you boys are home. And then, Tim, I think it's best if you go to your house. They didn't even ask where we were. And at that point, me and my friend Shay, look at her and go, we were walking around.

And she goes, because they all know that you're doing something bad. And then I went back to my house and my mother was pissed. And she's like, I should take you to the hospital. What are you on? Look at your eyes. Are you going to die? Fun. You know, so there were those moments.

There were those moments. There were those moments. But, but, but, I gotta be honest, I would not trade any of my friend Tina's mother telling us to masturbate and treat ourselves well. You go, you treat yourself. You tell them you treat yourself well. Good. And that guy with no tongue running up and going, get off the floor. I wouldn't trade that for any of the horrific laying in the bed sweating, coming down off cocaine, feeling disgusting, masturbating furiously in a gross Coke sweat, totally gross.

And then my mother, when my mother and father got divorced, and this was really one of the craziest times in my life when like my mother goes, okay, I'm keeping the house in Long Island. Your father moved out eighth grade. And she goes, I'm going to rent rooms to keep the house. Well, spoiler alert. Who rents the rooms in the house? Young Asian students studying at NYU? No. No.

Who rents the rooms? People in construction. People that are, have no jobs. And my house, there were three rooms, three rooms rented, all to drug dealers, slash people that would connect you with other dealer. Like it was a drug house. My eighth grade house was a drug house. And it was, and it carried into ninth grade. Ninth grade, I was living with my dad, and I would visit my house.

But eighth grade, I was living there, staying between there and my grandmother's house. And three rooms were rented out to people that were on, that were drugies. And you would, it was crazy. And it was so convenient. You know, if you ever have a drug problem, and three drug dealers move into your house, you know, you're set. You really are set. It's a, I mean, meet me in the kitchen? Really?

Really? You have a gram and you're in my kitchen? Great. And we fucking, me and my friend Shay, would just hang out and do drugs with these people. And then this woman, Michelle, moved in. Man, how many Michelle's have I known that are crazy? This lady, Michelle, a great person. Now, a felon, you know, you know, a woman who, you know, but, and I don't mean a great person in a biblical sense.

But, you know, she always had some cocaine for us. Eighth grade, doing blow with us. And she moved into my house because one of the guys at the pizzeria who grew up with my mother goes, she needs a room. This woman needs a room. She's a, she'll move in. So she moved in and me and my friend started doing blow with her immediately. And she would drive us around in her Lincoln, old Lincoln town, collect an old Lincoln and she had kids and she was pregnant. So she had to stop doing blow when she was pregnant.

But she would still get us the blow and we would hang out with her. And at one time when the kid was like, she was like nine months pregnant, we did blow with her and she goes, the baby's already formed. So it's okay. I think that was literally what she said. And looking back now, I realized that that is a disturbing image to some people. Two fat kids doing blow with a fully pregnant woman. A fully pregnant woman in my house doing cocaine at my dining room table with a fully pregnant lady. But then at that moment, it seemed okay.

It seemed fine. And that was a while ago. That was the time in my life where I could have gone off the rails even worse than I did. And I somehow, and they got me out of there. They're like, you got to get out of here. This is not good for you. I mean, I remember one guy walked into my house at 3am. My friend was sleeping over.

He walked in and he gave us acid and we took acid at three in the morning. And we're rolling when like everyone's getting up for work. We're just rolling on acid. My mother was screaming, what is wrong with you? She's like, I hate these drug addicts and alcoholics screaming. And her friend Dennis, who died, Dennis was a great guy. Dennis was an older guy, served in Vietnam, had a bad divorce with his wife. Instead of giving her any money, he decided to live in a van by the beach.

Interesting man drank wine out of a Burger King plastic cup, would walk around the house. And all he would say is life in the big city. So no matter what the news was, he'd go life in the big city. Like my mother would say, you know, Dennis, your son, who you haven't spoken to in five years, called the other night and you answered the phone and he heard that you were drunk. So he hung up and Dennis would go, hey, life in the big city. And she'd go, well, your daughter just had a baby and she doesn't really want you near the kid. And he'd go, hey, life in the big city.

And he would sit there and just drink wine. And then he'd also go, and I don't know why he said this. He'd walk around and he'd go, wheeze, bees, goods. I don't know what that was. I don't know if that's racist. I don't know what it was. But he would just walk around the house going, wheeze, bees, goods. And drink a Burger King plastic cup full of wine with ice in it. And smoke Marlboro Reds and look at the fire and root all smoke inside. This was a great, this is a great.

If you're hearing this now and you're not nostalgic about the old world, if you're not nostalgic about ashing in a fireplace and eating a beautiful big baked clam and then ashing in that when it's done, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what kind of life you had. Who are you surrounded with that was so great? Dennis was like a psychopath, you know, but even my mother loved. And every conversation was tragic. Dennis's, Dennis's sister wrote bad checks.

Okay. Sister in law, sister in law. She wrote bad checks. She was in the newspaper and everything. She defrauded a guy out of his gas station. And this was a friend of my mother and Dennis. She was the bookkeeper for his gas station completely defrauded him out of it. The guy ended up losing his whole gas station service station, everything. And this lady went to jail.

She would talk about her. That was a big topic of discussion. They took about bankruptcies, people who were just fucked, boats, you know, fights. Dennis had a million fight stories. And he cracked them over the head, cracked them over the head. And Dennis was just a fun guy. So Dennis, when my mother was screaming at us, he just opened the door and goes, Hey, Patty, will you shut the fuck up?

It's just acid. God, you'd ruin anybody's trip. And he shut his door. He's just an unlikely ally. They're just on acid. It's 7 a.m. And your 15-year-old son and his best friend are just rolling on acid. And you're fucking with them.

Leave them alone. And my mother, I think, just went in a room and shut her door. But that was the time when I look back. And I'm like, because there's been a lot of times that have been rough, including the one now. It's sober. But I look back at some of that shit and I'm like, yeah, that was... The mortgage shit, it all makes sense to you. You'd be doing coke with a bunch of lunatics.

And you guys would be doing drugs and everybody would be spending money they don't have. And I bought this dumb house when I was 22. That's kind of logical in the fucking climate. But when I look back, eighth grade, having some of the bigger drug dealers in my town live in my actual house. And having people say like, well, I got to go to 269 Madison and pick something up. And I'd be like, hey, can I get a ride? And they're like, you're going there? And I'm like, oh, I live there.

I live there. Yeah, I'm going there. I'm going home. So is there any way that I could hop in there with you? Didn't you fake that you got kidnapped or something? We... this is a great story. My friend's sister was retarded. And her name was Denise.

This is my friend Shea. And she's doing great now. She's not retarded. We called it Doink because... Do you remember Tekken? We used to love playing Tekken. Wasn't there a clown in it named Doink? Am I wrong?

I think so. We called it Doink because she was slow, slower. Am I wrong on this? I think it was a clown named Doink. Or maybe I don't... maybe it wasn't Tekken. We loved playing Tekken. Getting high, eating barbecue chicken pizza, drinking lactate, and playing Tekken.

These are the stories... these are the hot, cool stories of my drug addict childhood. I love when people have like... it's like when I hear about... when I go through like the... like some people really on drugs just like... fuck hot people and go to orgies. And it's like, how do you people stop?

How do you stop if you're just doing coke and fucking everyone in Miami? With me, it's like I was eating barbecue chicken pizza, drinking lactate, playing Tekken. Yeah, that ran its course. I grew out of that. When we called it Doink, I don't know why she was slow.

We slept over her house one night and we said it would be really funny to put a fake ransom note in the house and go around the block because even she isn't dumb enough to think that we actually got kidnapped. Well, we did this and we put the ransom note.

I forgot what it said. We kidnapped the boy. It was so dumb. We made it dumber. We kidnapped the boys. We want like three... you know, we just wrote, we want... it wasn't even a denomination of money, it was just yours, yours, yours, yours, yours. This retard goes back, sees the note

and calls the cops because we smoked a weed in the park. Now we're terrified. We're in the bushes high. She's got a cop car outside of the house. We're like this... The cops are like... We heard later on they were laughed in her face.

They were like, this isn't sweetie. This isn't... So the cops like leave. We finally go back to the house. She's crying. She opens the door. She goes, it's not funny. It's not funny. Barb calls us.

Denise goes, your mother's on the phone right now. And it was the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. Because we're bracing for like... we're bracing for like a beating, like verbally and then eventually physically. And she has a phone and I'm listening on the... And Barb just goes... Boys, listen.

Denise is retarded. She goes, just don't fuck with her anymore. Just go to bed. And I'll get you in the morning. But she wasn't even mad. Which was just... It was so fun. But it was like, that was a...

It was a fucked up time. But there was also like... You know, you look back and you're like... People number one had a lot more fucked up situation. People were molested, people were abused. I was neglected, I think. I would have neglected me too, though, to be honest. I kind of don't blame them at that point, you know?

But that was a time where I'm like... I could have spiraled crazy. Like I had a friend that just died, a kid that I knew. I'm doing a joke now about his go fund me on stage, which is very funny, but he was a good kid. And he just, he got involved with heroin. Man, thank God I never got into that shit. Because that would have been the end.

I think that would have been the end. I think if I had ever gotten involved with heroin, or... I don't think I would have... Or it's hard to make it out. It's hard to make it out. Very tough to make it out. You know, I was from an Irish Catholic family. A lot of people drank.

A lot of people did things they shouldn't have done drug wise. But it's tough when the people, you know, the kid that I knew, died of heroin that got involved with that shit. And I got out of it before that stuff started to, you know... I never saw it. I was never around it. I never heard about it. I heard about crack. You know, we were around coke all the time.

A lot of other shit, you know, pills and stuff. But never heroin. And thank God, because now, you know, you have kids doing heroin at my age. I would have been one of those kids probably. I would have been one of those because I was one of those kids. Just wasn't around. It wasn't a thing, but it's really a death sentence.

If you get into it, it's very fucking tough. And, you know, I went to an inpatient rehab and I went to an outpatient rehab. I went to an inpatient rehab when I was 25, right before I started comedy, right as I was starting comedy. Maybe a few months after I started comedy, actually. And then I went to an outpatient rehab

when I was in eighth grade, which was fake. You know, you just go to Garden City and you meet new drug connections. You sit there with a bunch of kids, you know. Go to group. You share. Yeah, it's like, you know, my parents suck. And I just sometimes I just, you know,

they just don't even understand me. And I, those things don't do anything. But then I went to inpatient when I was 25. And then that'll fuck you up because that, and I didn't go to like one of these, you know, like rich people go to like promises in the Hamptons, you know, and promises in Malibu, not in the Hamptons, you know, where you ride horses

and it's just you and a bunch of celebrities riding horses and you live in a beachfront villa and you hear all about how great you are and how much, you know, I went to a place called the Long Island Center for Recovery. When I was 25, it was just meth heads that would bang on your door at 7 a.m. and go with fucking chores

and you have to like serve breakfast. And I remember like it was just a fucking it didn't sober me up. I was going to say it was a wake-up call, but not really. It did. It did. Like eventually it absolutely did. But it wasn't the moment,

but it was, it was a fucking wake-up call. I think all rehabs should be like that. I'm against all these cushy, nice rehabs. And now all these sober houses are a big scam. And I hear about these things like, I hear about people, these sober houses, which are homes where, you know, you have somebody that's just basically being a babysitter.

When you get out of a 28-day program, you have to go live in this group home and you have a curfew and you have to do certain things. You have to try to get work or whatever. And you have to go to group meetings and then the people that run these places are often, you know, addiction counselors. They have some certification,

but some of them are like ex-addicts, you know? You ask them, you're like, oh, I'm running a sober house. Like, what'd you do last year? Home invasions, you know? It's like, that's the way that business works. Like, yeah, I was just putting guns in elderly people's mouths for money.

But now I run this sober house and I'm going to help you. You're like, okay, great. But a lot of them now are just trying to put people in beds and just to get money, because the rich will pay ridiculous amounts of money to sober their kids up, you know? When I checked into rehab, I barely had insurance. I didn't show up drunk enough

to get approved for a full 28 days. I got approved for like seven days, okay? And that's what happens. Your insurance is always looking for a way to not pay. And if you don't show up like fully fucked up, they just go, you don't need this, literally. But if you're rich, private insurance will just pay for the whole thing.

So, and I used to do rehab shows and I'd be like, does everyone, you all know what it was? You know, you'll know that the intake counselors face when your insurance wasn't going through. Like, they would just, they would start switching all there. You know, they used to be like, as they thought your insurance was going to cover the whole thing, they're like, we're a family, anything you need.

And then when your insurance just like doesn't go through, they're like, you're going to be fine. You're okay. Just get back out there, kid. We don't have any secrets here. Just go to God, meet God, go with God. You need God, you don't need us. It's like, oh yeah, what, did my insurance come back bad?

They're like, yeah. Sorry. It's about five grand a day for our program. God's free. Go get them. Go find them. But it's a big business now. And one of my, my guy I know in New York,

his girlfriend is a sober companion, which rich people will just pay someone, often an ex addict, to just sit next to you on a plane so you don't get loaded. They'll buy you a first class ticket, sit right next to that rich son, daughter, some of them are older people, addicts. And the sober companion just babysits them

and has to tell people if they fuck up, you know? They'll go to parties with them. I mean, imagine that. This is my companion. My parents have a, I mean, that's when you know you have money. You know? Yeah, my parents, this is Mary. You know, my parents pay her to babysit me.

I'm 28. And Mary just flies out here to the dentist with me and makes sure I don't drink a bathtub full of rosé and shit myself like I did last summer. Because my parents, that didn't really look too good during my father's merger. During the corporate merger, it didn't look good that I was throwing up blood at the American hotel

in Sag Harbor. That wasn't really, that was like, that was not a good look. So we now have a sober companion to alert my parents if I do anything wrong. I don't have so much look at a glass of Chardonnay. My sober companion will, you know, that's what it is, man, rehab's a big business. And it's like, if anybody in this audience is struggling

with addiction, whether it's booze, whether it's pills, whether it's whatever it is, the only thing I could say, you know, is really keep using drugs. Because as a sober person, I'll be perfectly honest. Eh? You know? Eh?

It's fine? No, I'm kidding. Get help, obviously. Don't, you know. How long have we done here? Well, we started at 3 a.m. Yeah, what time is it now? We've done an hour and nine minutes. Oh, God, we're going to wrap this up.

This will be the podcast that we put out. When's Gavin come out? Sunday? Yeah. Gavin will come out Sunday. And this will be our next podcast, which will come out when? This will come out the, let me see here. So this is going to come out the 29th or the 30th, yeah.

Well, then we have an announcement to make, too. Oh, yeah. We have an announcement. Yeah. After, I guess, three years we cast Digital, and I love all those guys. I love Lewis. I love Ralph.

I love everybody. We are leaving. I'm going, we're going independent. We're going to do a lot of different stuff with the show. We don't know what we're going to do. You're going to get a podcast every week. You're probably going to get two. There'll be a Patreon if you want to join and hop on

and get extra stuff. If you want to get the longer versions of some of the desk videos we do. We're doing a lot more content. It's not just podcasting, but we're going that route. And there'll be more details about that to come. It's not, it's nothing contentious.

I love Gast Digital. I love those guys. It just makes more sense right now to be independent because we don't know what we're going to do with this. We don't know what this will become. We don't know if this is going to become multiple days a week, live streaming to YouTube. That's kind of what the direction we think we're going into,

bringing on Gast, doing solo episodes, being all over the place, trying to bring those desk videos and bringing more of those and more of that stuff and longer form stuff. Really funny shit. You know, when I started this business, I thought that if I was funny, the people in the industry of comedy would care.

That is not seemingly going to be the situation. They're not bad people. They've cared to an extent. I've done some cool things, some specials and stuff. I'm not a pilot. I'm not like a bitter person. But the stuff we want to do, the kind of comedy that we want to do and the shit that we want to make,

we're never going to get approval to do the shit we want to do. We just shot a video today that when it comes out, you'd be like, Jesus, we're never going to be able to do that shit. I don't think we're ever going to be able to do it on Comedy Central. I don't think we're ever going to be able to do it on network TV. I know we won't be able to do it on network TV. I don't know that we'll be able to do it on cable TV

and I don't know that anybody at a big streaming service is ever going to write us a check to do the comedy that we want to do. That's funny in the way that we want to be funny. But that being said, we will have a way for you guys to support that and we will just keep doing it regardless. We want to make people laugh. And I just...

I have less faith now in I think there are so many opportunities to just go it on your own. I have less faith in the business coming to us unless we've built something that's really, truly undeniable, a self-sustaining thing. And then people in this business tend to come over and want to buy it or take it or, you know, whatever. But until you're at that point,

it's very hard to get to that point when everything you want to do is... I mean, imagine if we submitted the Meghan McCain video to, like, a network to get notes. I mean, imagine that. Can you imagine, like, somebody sitting there with a script going, okay, so this line, the only one you want to fuck is Daddy,

I'll fuck his corpse, I'll fuck his corpse. Is there a way to maybe say that without saying it? Is there a way to maybe less this more? Like, maybe we could hint. I mean, it would slow us down. We turn these videos out quickly. It would slow you down.

You don't need those guys anymore. It's still nice to have them, but you don't need them. So, where we're going, we don't know. But we do know we're going to be independent. We're going to rebrand the show. It's not going to be Tim Dillon's going to hell. It'll be just probably the Tim Dillon show. And we're going to just...

It's going to be on the porch. It's going to be fucking balls out crazy. Nobody... We're not waiting for anybody in the business to hand us a bunch of money to do this. We're going to find a way to do it with the money that we have. We're going to find a way to make shit that's funny and cool. That's kind of it.

There'll be a time to give a better pitch. But most important thing, whether you end up subscribing to the Patreon or giving money or doing whatever, if you enjoy the show, if you like those videos that we do, share them, retweet them, put them on Instagram,

get them out there, that's the most important thing to me. Some people don't have the money to contribute or whatever. That's fine. But if you just keep putting that shit out there, keep telling friends about the show, keep telling other people that you like it, that I think is the most important thing to us.

Because that's it. We're in the era now where if you want a certain type of comedy, you're going to have to go and find it. It's not going to be on SNL. It's not going to happen. It's not going to be...

Even though, you know, Alternatino and Silent on Comedy Central, there's still really good shit being made. You just can't wait for that. I'm not saying that it can't be made again or that those guys won't end up making good shit, but you can't wait for that

because if you wait for it, you'd be homeless. And that's it. You just got to take the bull by the horns and do it. So this will be coming out the 30th. We're going to do another episode with gas. It'll be a call-in episode.

Come out mid-July with the people that did the WIC sponsors. You can't do it anymore. Don't do it now. If you did it, you did it. We're going to get you a number, call in, pitch your product. It'll be fun. And then, you know, around mid-July,

we're going to just rebrand and you guys will still be subscribed. It'll just, you know, change over and it'll be the same... It'll be, you know, the same show which is a different name and there'll be some options if you want more.

We'll have those options, too. And we're going to really start churning out more content, more videos, more things like that. So, thank you for listening. Please continue to listen. And, you know, if you know a company

that would want to advertise on this show, or if you own a company that would want to destroy and you think a really good way to do that and a hilarious way to do that would be to allow me to be

kind of your spokesperson. I will step into those shoes and I will run that baby into the ground. Thank you.