The Tim Dillon Show - 161: 161 - The Los Angeles Liars

Episode Date: August 18, 2019

The Patreon is up! Link below! Tim broadcasts from the deck and argues why it's virtuous to never tell the truth, rants on the Jeffrey Epstein case, and offers an apology to the Your Mom's House Network. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash. Popcorn boxes, pops, and candy wrappers. Mmm, they all taste so good. Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me? Thank you for considering your fellow patrons. Why the Jeffrey Epstein Case Inspires So Many Conspiracy Theories at anorthedvox.com The question, folks, is if you tried, could you be this stupid? If you put effort into it, if you dedicated yourself, if you trained your mind, could you be this daft to write an article that is basically pondering why the Jeffrey Epstein Case Inspires So Many Conspiracy Theories?

Why, why, why so many unanswered questions? It's a relatively simple thing. A man who was running an international human trafficking ring, who was close friends with politicians, the CEOs of major corporations, prime ministers, a man who had been convicted of molesting underage girls, and given a sweetheart deal because, and I quote, Alexander Acosta, Trump's labor secretary, said he, quote, belonged to intelligence, was given a sweetheart deal where he served around a year in like a minimum security federal prison and left every day to go to work. And part of that deal was that he wouldn't have to inform on his co-conspirators. That man, who was then re-arrested a few months ago, supposedly cooperating with prosecutors, charged with several counts of sex trafficking, was going to go to trial and potentially inform on his co-conspirators because there was no get out of jail free card this time.

A man who tried to kill himself a few weeks ago in one of the most secured detention centers in America, the Metropolitan Correctional Facility, where they held El Chapo, where they've held terrorists, I think Zacharias Musawia could be wrong, that guy who was on Suicide Watch, was taken off Suicide Watch, his roommate was moved out of his room, and a few hours later, he hung himself in said facility, and now there will be no trial and there will be no open court. Why would a case like that, all these internet loonies, all these tinfoil hot wearing conspiracy theorists, these redditors, these marginalized creatures that just have to make everything into one big fucking conspiracy? Why would this set, why would this set them off? You better be asking the question why perfectly rational, reasonable people who had been asleep, who had been fucking asleep,

and I mean asleep, watching the bachelor asleep are starting to wake up now and they're starting to go, they might not be full on, they're not storming Area 51, but they're even going, you know what? Wait a minute, something's wrong here. And just laying Maxwell, I just ripped off a part of my nail and then my finger is bleeding, just laying Maxwell, just laying Maxwell, I don't cut my nails, I tear them off anxiously, and that's how I think many of you should do it. I believe in different ways that anxiety should leave the body, and one of them is to tear off your nails, and what will happen is you know when you're done, you're bleeding, that's when you know you're done. When is my nail short enough, when there's a pool of blood on your finger,

and then your nail hurts for the next couple of days when you go to grab something, your nail will hurt because it's just raw skin, and then the nail goes back, that is how to do it. We're going to go on a just laying Maxwell eating it in an outburger because we're living either in a simulation that's glitching or this is either a Psyop, where they're basically like, we can do whatever we want now, it doesn't have to make sense, and we're going to distract you because now it's becoming this weird tabloid thing of like, oh Epstein's Galpow, the bitch was fucking trafficking kids, and they're calling it like Epstein's Galpow, seeing eating it in and out. Galpow, these bitches taking 13, 14 year old kids to an island to fuck Bill Richardson, that fat fuck, there was a governor in New Mexico, and you're treating this like it's some like fun tabloid scandal.

This is the darkest shit humanly possible, and the press is turning it into like some tabloid fodder. Where was just Lane spotted? Was she eating it in and out burger? Did she get animal style? Why is she walking around free? Why is nobody asking her questions? She's reading a book about the deaths of CIA agents at a fucking in and out in Ventura or Studio City or whatever location. Jamie Vernon told me where it was, I forgot. Universal City. What the fuck is happening? There was an article that said she was holed up with some tech guy in Manchester by the sea, that town, that's weird too.

She's in a movie? She's in Manchester by the sea? She's in some big... If you have any problem, folks, I have a Ricola because I think I'm coming down with something. I'm trying not to smoke. I probably will smoke before the end of the show. I don't smoke other than doing this podcast. I really do not smoke unless I do the podcast, but there's something about the nicotine and the smoking that... I mean, I've done good podcasts and not smoke, but there's something about the nicotine and the cigarette that feels it lends itself to conversation. And any of you that listen to the show, maybe that are younger, vape skies do not lend themselves to conversation the way cigarettes do. Because there's no pausing, there's no inhaling.

I mean, I know there's inhaling, exhaling, but it doesn't feel the same way. There's no give and take. It just shows that the generation coming up now, a generation that has been raised primarily online, a generation full of... Adderall and anxiety, you're not learning how to really conversate in the appropriate way. You're just... Like Ben, see what he does, he just sucks on that every 30 seconds. He doesn't know how to speak to anyone because he doesn't know. It's not his fault. He doesn't know. He doesn't understand how to talk. When you talk to him, he will stare off into the sky and leave because he doesn't know.

This whole generation of people has never been taught how to communicate a big part of learning, how to communicate is to smoke cigarettes. So, it's really what it is. I mean, I could sugarcoat it. Can you do it without smoking cigarettes? No. Now, I will say this. She got maxed while they said she's in Manchester by the sea. Then, they tracked the guy down. Of course, the government, it's all the New York Post's doing this. The government has no interest.

They don't give a fuck. They don't care. They don't care at all where she is, you know? So, the New York Post finds her throwing down a double-double or whatever at the universal fucking in and out, reading a book about the deaths of CIA agents. I mean... And then, there's a review that's supposedly attributed to her. I'm going to read you guys the review. You got to realize where we are and take stock of this because it's fucking insane.

And then, I'm going to tell you, after this, I'll tell you why I think I am banned from the Your Mom's House Network. I believe I am banned. I don't know. That is not a fact. But I believe, after today, I am banned from the Your Mom's House Network. I don't know. I do not want to be banned. I am not asking to be banned. I feel is that I am banned after the events of today.

But we'll go into why. We'll go into why. That's my own little scandal. We have a scandal on our hands here, folks. We've got a scandal on our hand. It's not as big as Epstein. There's not as many powerful people involved. For some, not nearly as powerful, but we do have a scandal.

G Maxwell gave five stars to this book. I don't have the name of the book, but you can easily find it. Supposedly sales for this book shot way the fuck up. Okay. Everybody's like, what is she reading? What is, what is the madam reading? What is the madam reading? It's a great way to sell your book. If a child pimp is seen reading your book,

many people in this country go, yep, that's what we want. She had a harem of child whores. Let's buy this book. She's laying Maxwell. It gives it five stars. It goes, a good friend of mine died recently under very tragic circumstances. Some of us saw it coming for quite a while, but it was still a huge shock when it finally happened.

I picked up this book at the advice of a friend and absolutely couldn't put it down. I'd read it while walking the dog, getting fast food, or even just lounging around the house. It helped me realize that my friend really believed in something, and that given your life for the CIA, NSA, FBI, Mossad, or other intelligence agencies, truly a higher calling and not something to mourn, a whole harder recommendation.

Supposedly, from G Maxwell, she's reviewing a, think of this, folks. Think of this. A woman who participated in the horrific abuse of children who knew damn well why it was going on is reading a book about the deaths of intelligence operatives, of which Jeffrey Epstein certainly was one. She probably is one.

She's probably foreshadowing it. She's probably not going to be around forever, although there's a reason she's still here and she's still doing shit like that. I mean, we're in... Sam Tripoli always used to talk about this chaos theory of things not having to make sense and the idea of just this overload of information,

a lot of it disinformation. It's hard to look at the events of the last week, and I think you'd have to come to grips with the very small group of powerful people that have had power, had almost absolute and total power for a very long time, are starting to lose it. It's starting to come undone. All these things are starting to come undone,

and it's like the 11th hour, and they're getting very sloppy, and they had to get rid of this guy. There was no way he could be an open court, and now this bitch is eating cheeseburgers and reviewing spy novels in LA, and it's like, at a certain point, you're like, this bitch, is she rogue? Is someone instructing her to do this?

Is this part of the plan? Do they want people to think he was intelligence? You'd think not because he clearly was, but is there some benefit to them if it sounds so crazy that people dismiss it? Because maybe it's a step too far for people to believe. That this is an activity to sponsor by elements of our government.

It's easier for people to believe that rich people just have deviant sexual appetites, and Epstein was there to satisfy those appetites. Driving them to the idea that he was in the intelligence community, does it make it this shadowy thing that people have a much harder time believing and it gets too complex and people ultimately check out? I don't know.

I'm very interested in why these things are happening, or have they lost control of the operation? Is it like a play that the director sits in the back and with his head in his hands goes, fuck, God, I hope we make it to act three? Is that where we're at now? Does anyone think about this? Is everyone just watching the bat?

Why is everyone watching the bat? Is it that good? Should I start watching it? It's not good. It's not good. Why the entire country is under the spell of the bachelor? People have careers because it's like they talk about the bat. What is going on?

Is this not more interesting to you than the bachelor? I don't understand. Rich cuts want to fuck a rich guy or selfish gods that aren't rich, whatever. They're not that poor either, have teeth. Isn't that simple? Don't you get it? The relationships aren't real?

Isn't this stuff better? Am I wrong? Maybe I'm wrong. Epstein hung himself. His bitch is eating in and out. This was Chelsea Clinton's best friend. This woman was friends with the cleanse. Epstein's got a fucking painting of our president in heels,

in drag, in his mansion, in New York City, which was outfitted with two-way mirrors and recording equipment for blackmail. And everybody still just wants to talk about the bachelor. Folks, what would need to happen? I need to understand this person. I'm not against love. I'm not against dating shows.

I'm not against people having fun. I'm not against meaningless horseshit. I traffic in a lot of it. It's what I do for a living. I had a five-minute bit about ice cream. I understand frivolous activity, but how good is this goddamn show? I'm scared to watch the bachelor,

because I think I'm just going to end up babbling about the bachelor for the rest of my life, because I'm looking around going, this shit's pretty interesting, but there are people that are offended if you ask them to like what their opinion is. They're like, well, I don't really know about the... I don't know about that.

That's not my beat. I do bachelor. What? People just love... I mean... I don't know. I don't want to offend any of you in my audience that maybe like the bachelor.

I'm sure it's a fun show. But does it not interest anyone that there's clearly a glitch in the fucking matrix and we're all watching this in real fucking time? Folks, the other day, I saw what I would consider to be a miracle.

To be honest with you. Okay? I was at LAX, and I saw plane takeoff. And two of the engines exploded. Why are you laughing? Two of the engines exploded.

They went up in flames. Okay? As the plane was taking off. And I was... I was watching it, and you know, it was kind of... It was exciting, but

I also felt bad. I felt bad for the people on the plane. I was not happy. And when you lose two engines like that on takeoff, it's over. Doesn't work. So the plane

smashed into the ground. And everybody on it died. And they closed the airport. We couldn't leave. We couldn't leave. Now it was one survivor on the plane.

I don't know how. You'd think it wouldn't. But one person one person survived. And I bumped into them in the airport lounge. They were drinking. I said, that was fucked up, huh? And they went, yeah, whatever.

They had a great attitude about it. They had a really great attitude. They had a really great attitude about it. You know, they lost their entire family in that wreck. I said, how did you survive there? I don't know. I said, how did you survive? How did you not burn in the fire?

And they said, maybe I'm a child of Satan. They kind of laughed. We laughed. And I said, let me ask you a question. You just lost your whole family. The plane was going to Disney World. You were in that plane. Everybody was burned alive in front of you. The smell of the corpses in the bodies.

And I said, how do you stay so even keel? I said, you were literally a medical anomaly. You were burned alive, but you weren't. Everybody was incinerated. The whole plane was in bits and pieces except

you were there unscathed, not a scratch on you. Almost like a religious. It was almost like a religious thing. And they said to me, Tim. They knew my name. I said, Tim. Three letters.

CBD. I said, really? They said, I've been taking CBD oil for two months. And I said, you use all the different products? You use the freezing point topical cream? They said, yeah. I said, you use the CBD AM pills? I said, yeah, I'm going to sleep.

They go, never slept better. And they said, I think that's why I survived that horrific crash to kill everyone else on that plane except me. I said, you upset? They go, hey, Tim. You win some, you lose some. And today was my day to win.

I was just like, what a great attitude. I said, what happened to your wife and kids? They go, dad, dad, dad. I said, how do you feel about that? They go, next. I'm like, wow, next. It's pretty. It seemed cold at first, but then I realized

it was really its true emotional maturity. My question to you in the audience. Do you want to survive a plane crash? Yes or no? Now, this was out of the news. They kept it out of the news. You know how it is. This happened. It was real. This happened.

And I swear to God. I talked about it on the Dr. Drew episode I did. So if you don't want to survive a plane crash, then don't go to infinitecbd.com. If you want to burn like those other losers, don't do that. But dude, everybody's using CBD. Everybody.

And quite frankly, it's good. So there you have it. Do you want to survive a plane crash? Now, here's what's funny. Right? That guy,

we exchanged numbers. He texted me. He goes to fucking traffic in the city because he came to be going home from LAX. So it's like, even after you miraculously survive a plane crash, the traffic is so bad

that you know. I have a lot of respect for your mom's house network. I think it's a great network. I think Tom and Christina are very funny. Dr. Drew, who's also on the network, he's very talented at what he does. And I've never listened to his show,

but I like celebrity rehab and I enjoyed Love Line with Adam Crowell and Dr. Drew. They're good people and that's fine. I want to preface this by saying my first instinct is always to lie and it is always the right instinct for the most part.

Lying shows that you've taken a time to think about what's happening and that you care about what's happening. Telling the truth is like not wearing deodorant. It's inconsiderate and it means that you don't care.

It means that you don't have any regimen. You haven't thought about anything. You've kind of just rolled out a bet. That's why truth, when you're honest with somebody there's a premium to that. It's usually with somebody you really like, a friend, somebody you're fucking. There's a premium to honesty because it's rare.

Honesty is not something that happens all the time for good reason. People just don't walk around being honest with each other. The world would be an utter chaos. If everybody told everybody what they thought of each other, it would be an utter cat. It would be kept in the dark. They have to be lied

to and manipulated. This is why we have what we have with the Epstein and the da-da-da. Okay? I'm just saying how it is. I'm not saying how it should be. I'm not moralizing. I'm telling you what it is. People keep secrets. No conspiracies aren't real

because no one can keep secrets. You're keeping secrets right now from your wife. And you're telling me that no one can keep secrets. You're keeping secrets when somebody is asleep next to. Things get kept for fucking years. People have secret families. They never talk about. There's good liars out there.

You know who says nobody can keep secrets? Bad liars. Bad liars can never believe in conspiracies because they don't know how to fucking lie. They don't know how to create and craft a narrative. Lies? You can't just fuck around with a lie here and there.

You got to be constantly lying all the time. You got to create a world and populate it with fruits. Big lies require little lies to sustain them. That's a famous quote. I don't know who said it. That's what needs to happen.

Pathological lies lie all the time because they want to be good at it. If you drink and drive every night statistically, you're going to be better at it. Am I telling you to do it? No. I'm telling you what it is. If you drink and drive once a month, you're going to be all nervous.

Same with driving high. Same with lying. Same with fucking. Same with stand-up comedy. You got to do it a lot, okay? So my first instinct in many situations is to spin a yarn, a fable, a lie, an untruth because I care

about the person on the other end. I realize that I've done the wrong thing and rather than admit it like a crazy person, I lie to cover it up because I realize I was wrong. You're lying because you realize you're wrong.

If anyone calls you want to lie, say, I'm lying to you because I know that I'm wrong and I love you. Being honest with you would be insane. Am I insane? Are you insane?

Honesty is not the best policy. No one says that. You know who says that? School teachers. Because they talk to children all day because they have childlike minds. We don't need any advice that's on a guidance counselor's

wall. It's not going to help. Don't hit me about, no, well, honestly, no. Lie. Even after today, I will still lie. I'm only upset at the fact that my lie

was not good. Never lie quick. Take a minute, take a breath. Today, Big J's girlfriend, Christine Evans, why I like, but, you know, we'll get into that. You know. You know, these people, you know.

I just, you know, I enjoy her, but and she's in town. She grew up in Redondo Beach and she goes, hey, I want to show you where I grew up. We'll go to the beach, take a little swim. We'll get a seafood and a seafood shack.

I'm in. I like swimming in the ocean. I'm in there. We did. We had a beautiful lunch, about a half hour lunch, about a 45 minute dip in the Pacific Ocean and to do all that, round trip in a car, about five and a half hours in the car.

About five and a half in the car. I could have driven, I could have flown to New York City for the amount of time it took me to get my fat ass in the Pacific for 45 fucking minutes. But it was a lovely dip and I like that. It's just, it's a lot.

Traveling around L.A. is a lot. She tells me, oh, what? You want to put on some music? So I put on some music. I put on Toby Key's song, God Lover. It's a great song. God Lover! She was born in the Mississippi mud. I don't know the fucking lyrics. Her daddy didn't want her to be with

me and I said, you know, who cares? It's catchy. It was on shuffle. I put it on. She's like, oh, you have the worst day to music and of all of my friends. I'm like, bitch! Toby Key, she was talking all day about how she wanted to buy all the houses in Manhattan Beach.

She's like, I want to buy these houses. I keep telling Jay, four million is not a lot of money. We're in entertainment for me. Bitch, Toby Key could buy 10 of those houses and you're running your mouth. I said that to her in the car. I go, Toby Key, buy 10 of these houses. You'll die

in this rental. You don't have to agree with Toby Key. You don't have to think he's good. It's a catchy goddamn song. God Lover. So, we get down there. We have a nice lunch. I do this Instagram story

where I'm on the beach and we go up to this beautiful peak in Redondo. We're looking out at the ocean. It's got a great view. When I say, hey, I write on Instagram. I say, hey, because you will see things that are similar to this. Six months ago, I was living in the middle of a busy highway.

But I started reading listening to Gary Vanier Chuck and he's the teachings of Gary Vanier Chuck. And now, I realized when I heard him that I had to stop losing and I had to start winning. And now we just broke ground

on what will be a $25 million rate. And how did I pay for it? I paid for it with gratitude. And then, you know, hashtag hustle grind. It's a funny post and it clearly shows that I'm in Redondo Beach, the beautiful

and she goes, there's a Trump golf course that's open to the public. You want to go check that out. I'm like, oh, yeah. I think it's fun to go see what kinds of people are still going to Trump things who don't give a fuck. I kind of like that.

You know, and it's just a bunch of white dudes and dads and they're all playing golf. And, you know, me and her walk in and, you know, they're not thrilled. But she's like, it's open to the public. And I felt like explaining to her, honey, not our public. See, the Palos Verdes

public is different than our public. Our public is public bus. It's not open to us. Okay. I guarantee you, I'm wearing a bathing suit and you're wearing a sarong. I bought on the Venice Boardwalk from somebody with a heroin needle

hanging out of their chin. So that's not the public that they're really interested in walking through their doors. Okay. But I didn't. By the way, I mean, Venice, it's like you go down there

the, the, the the best things there are the bodybuilders with AIDS, Muscle Beach or the bodybuilders with AIDS beaten AIDS. They all have AIDS and they've beaten AIDS. They're so built

they no longer have AIDS or penises. Like they don't have, their penises have gone away because they've just pumped so much iron and they've all beaten AIDS. But I didn't see them today because the outdoor gym was being remodeled. Sadly. So we go into the Trump course

she goes into the bathroom to change her clothes like a true crack head. Okay. She's like, where are, she has some fake question about the restaurant. She's like, what is the restaurant open? And then she goes, where's the restroom? I'm like, they know what you're in here for. They know you just

want to go in there deliver a baby and leave it in the toilet. So just go do that. And I'll go take a shit and then we'll leave. Okay. We don't have to pretend that we're here to talk to the event planner about throwing a wedding. Okay. They know you just want to abandon

a baby in the bathroom. So I'm in do you ever see somebody when you like walk into a nice place and you start telling a tale about why you're there and the people like we know what this is

just shit. We're letting you do it. Just use the restroom. You don't have to just use the just go throw up you're withdrawing right you're withdrawing

and you need to throw up before you get some Suboxone. Okay. Just go do that. Don't fucking tell us that you you're here to plan your daughter's wedding. So I

I remember I don't remember I get an email from the Booker of the Your Moms House Network. Email was 408 said hey Tim I hope you're finding your way here hope you're having no trouble finding the place. Text me

well I experienced a range of emotions in the Trump bathroom in Palos Verdes I was like fuck I was supposed to do Dr. Drew today at four fuck it is now

458 that email was said to me at 408 I'm in the Trump bathroom I did what I never used to do I used to call out sick for work all the time but I never did the no call no show which is what I did now. Now here's

when you do the no call no show you have to stay off the grid and you have to not fire back you need to get your story straight you need to sit on it for a minute and think because you've done the no call no show

the only way is to go harder into the light disappear off the grid sink deeper into the hole take a minute think about it go what can I do here you know

go grab an old photo of you in New York throw that on Instagram go dark for two days email the dude say you had to go be in New York who knows all of these things but I panicked I was panic-stricken I'm so ashamed of this

I was panic-stricken on the toilet in the Trump golf course open to the public, Payless Verde is beautiful I was sitting on the toilet I was reading the email on the turlet and I said fuck I emailed back immediately

I had an emergency I cannot make it by the way it's a fucking hour after I was supposed to be there I emailed two seconds later I apologize I walk out and I call Ben and then it hits me I uploaded an Instagram

story from the beach a half hour ago when I should have been doing the show I have a photo up from the fucking beach which is the opposite of an emergency it is literally the opposite

of an emergency I am frolicking on the beach and I didn't show up for this fucking show and then I lied to the guy and it was such a poorly conceived lie like it was

and now I'm ashamed not because I lied because I didn't put the time and the care into a good lie nothing makes you feel better than pulling off a good lie

and I didn't do it and I pride myself on being able to do it and I was just the thing that saves me is it's so funny that there's something there there's something that I was so funny that I couldn't stop

laughing because it's so utterly disrespectful it's so utterly disrespectful it's fucking amateur hour it's Giselle Gislaine sorry it's Gislaine eating in and out

reading spy novels it's choking Epstein out and his cell and then fuck like it's all that shit on a very small level it's I'm doing to the book or that network what our government is doing

it's basically going fuck you and I hope you like it I hope you like it because it is what it is and here's a photo of me with my fucking fat ass follicking on the beach and I had an emergency

and I can't make it and I email you an hour after I was supposed to be there so I would imagine at this point I would not be shocked there's a lot of opportunities and I get that opportunity there's a lot of opportunities

here's the silver lining to this I will not wonder if I'm never on any of their shows I won't lie it won't keep me awake at night like I might forget this and think for a minute I wonder why and then I'll go oh yeah

oh yeah yeah there was that time I no called no showed for Dr. Drew after dark and then shot off an amateur hour email from the Turlett

of the Trump and then right on the Instagram story it's like it's not only like I'm lying to it's really like I should it would have almost be better if I emailed them back hey fuck you that would have almost been better if I went hey how about fuck you

because that's what it is saying you had an emergency and then having the Instagram story of you at the beach is too worse it is fuck you it is that I didn't even take the time to lie good

about this I just thought I would fucking throw it out there so if you messaged me some of you messaged me you should do your mom's house and I go yeah yeah I'd love to do that show you're great

you don't have to message that anymore I'd still like to do it but if I don't do it this one is 100% on me this is my fault this is a bad move fucking thank you Christine Evans

ruining my fucking life Monday.com folks the last ad I did here I said I didn't know what the company was because I'm a comedian and that's a joke I clearly do know what the company does I'm a comedian as a comic you know I make jokes

but it's a good service if you have a business out there many of you do not have a business many of you shouldn't have a business you should not try to have a business it will not work you should follow your own limitations

and you live within the parameters that you've created for yourself in your own mind many people tell you that those things are not true I think good but some of you are out there trying to create something and some of you are creative

you're you're business minded you can do it you should be your own boss you should be independent you should not be filing into an office like some drone while you sit at a soul crushing job that doesn't care about you you should

do something on your own that's what I'm doing I find it very fulfilling most times and the great thing about Monday.com okay is it is easy to stay organized if you're starting your own business easy to find files looking through your

emails to find stuff is a nightmare I hate doing that I have 2,000 emails right now that are unread Monday.com will organize everything in one place you aren't wasting your time searching for the things you need it creates accountability okay what's more annoying than

asking someone to do something and never getting a response well I guess if your kid had cancer and you didn't have money and you couldn't get them the care that they wanted that I love

when people take you on a tour of their hometown like you give a fuck that's the place we used to drink in high school shut up who gives a fuck tell me about real estate prices tell me what's going on I don't care

your first boyfriend took you to this cliff who gives a shit unless it's interesting at least when I take people around my hometown I'm like that's where we did coke at 13 that's where my parents marriage finally fell apart

that's where I saw this the head of Latin kings or one of the higher ups get his head hit with a 40 because they came in and started trouble you know but you know there's nothing worse than that basic bitch tour of life

and this is where you got the best pizza throw my career away today because I'm fucking listening to where you used to get pizza my whole fucking now I'm fucked one of the biggest podcasts in the country I can't go on it because I'm fucking taking a tour

of redondo beach while she tells me all these estates she's gonna own yeah you're gonna have an estate people are out of their bird it's four million that's not a lot of money is it not well then can you lend it to me

I understand these people that are like think big I get all of that think small folks think small I do get the idea of why

it's attractive to people to believe in the endless possibilities I get that I think an element of that is very important but I don't think you can OD on that

delusion is a drug you kind of need a little bit of it but you can overdose on it you know comics that have OD'd on delusion you can see it they're kind of they kind of look like they have wet brain hey man

what's going on hey man feel it you go oh you stuck the needle deep in you mainlined delusion and now you're in your mid 30's and you look haggard and

things are not good and you're bombing in a bar for 11 people and you're talking to me about Netflix and I'm like Netflix net what

come again but you all know those people that have just OD'd you got so you gotta just every now and then a little delusion is good and I don't think Christina's OD'd on delusion but she's realistic she's a good person

and I like her we can all do it we can all OD sometimes you gotta reign it in you gotta reign your friends in sometimes you start thinking you're gonna be able to do all these things and you're like let me just focus on one fucking thing don't focus on the house that you're gonna buy

when you do the thing focus on the thing and then don't worry about the fucking house it's all backwards you got it backwards I just want a house on a cliff you know what everyone does everyone does

dum dum everybody that has ever lived once that you are not unique in that I just want a beautiful seaside mansion so all I want you to get

course you do we all do what can you do that other people can't what is the thing that separates you from all the other people that want that is it the work ethic is it the ingenuity

is it the tenacity what is it but my dreams now I just want to own a house I don't even care where it is or what it looks like I just want a home

that's all I want I don't care I don't care anymore I've been beaten down so much that my dreams are like what people my dreams are people's safety

people are like well if everything goes to shit we can live like this that's my dream that's my best case situation I hear people's conversations we're fucked we can always buy a half a million dollar house

and just I'm like yeah that's what I think I mean so you just can't mainline the delusion folks and then you'll meet people with no delusion and that's a problem too because they don't believe in anything

and you meet these people that are so married to their own unfortunate circumstances I went out the other day with some kid and it was just he was around and I went to this costume shop with him

nice kid wasn't a date wasn't any of that younger guy I don't want to say kid I don't mean like ebsting kid young early 20s going out platonic friend thing we go to the steakhouse Musso and Frank in downtown LA only because it's by the costume shop

I was like I want to go in there I'm trying to eat like better maybe I'll just have a steak and whatever and the kid wouldn't shut up about how nice it was first of all it's not that nice it's very old and historic but he's like this is the type of place that like my parents would go to

once a year and my father would take me to a place like this and I'm like we get it your trash we how much do you want to beat this drum your garbage what is this what is this

where people have absolutely no sense of yeah it's a restaurant where they serve steak we get it you've had a horrible life I don't know what you want me to tell you it's uncomfortable it's not cute you got to be really hot

if you're selling that you're a trash bag you got to be so fucking hot to sell that just simple like I don't know about all these fancy places I don't know about all these fancy restaurants

you got to be just fucked like when people look at you they all want to fuck you if you sell that otherwise act like you've been here before act like you've been away steakhouse before okay enough nobody's nobody

I don't know what mark of value you think you have because you've done nothing and you've been around people that have never done anything I have never been to a place like this this is a place we go to this is the nicest meal I'll have

all year well then kill yourself I don't like what is this addiction to your unfortunate circumstances are we supposed to applaud you

then make different choices dummy or don't maybe you don't like going out the nice right it's fine you don't have to but there's this pride now and having nothing it's like this weird perverse pride oh yeah

I got nothing or shut up these people are not systemically underprivileged people I'm not talking to people that have been fucked over I'm not talking to Epstein victims here I'm talking to fucking clapped people

who've chosen to be comedians who think it's funny that they don't have a dollar they think it's great it's not cute it's not fun and it's your fault go get something

a job preferably we all work shitty jobs you know it's just weird like loyalty to fucking I just don't get it well what are these people

who does that work on who does that work on you go somewhere with somebody and you're like this is the nicest place I've ever been what am I supposed to say well I feel great about this I feel great I'm so happy

that I took you here no I'm embarrassed I'm with you now I'm like what we shouldn't even be here then we should have just stolen that homeless guy's food he's asleep you could have eaten that in the back of the Uber enough I'm sick of that

there's a lot of people that do that shit by the way there's a lot of people that seem to they think it's like their lack of worldliness is something to be celebrated

they should be celebrated for their ignorance of nice things no you're not in the peace core you haven't dedicated your life to help there's people like if somebody said to me you know I haven't really been to restaurants like this

I've been in Africa with a clean water project I'd still look at them and go why but I would at least get it I understand but there's too many people out there that confuse their laziness with

even denied something or that they've been disadvantaged somehow and that rich people that all rich people just get rich because Santa Claus deposits money in their fucking pillow it's not true now a lot of rich people get rich

you know by murdering and torturing, raping, maiming and pib but that's still something I'm not saying it's good but it's certainly not sitting in a steakhouse and acting like I took you to Taj Mahal

or we're bucking him fucking palace I fuck a lot of trash I mean listen, not trash but a guy that I hooked up with recently came in the room with Domino's I was on the road younger guy, good looking guy comes in with Domino's to the hotel

I ordered this pizza yesterday and I'm hungry so I brought it up and he's like a homeless guy kind of chased me because he wanted the pizza and I'm like, God what? he's like, I'm gonna be so mad if you don't have a microwave

I'm like you wanted to microwave Domino's pizza before we fuck that's what you wanted to do you wanted to eat now after absolutely but we'll order it we'll order Domino's later

I'm for that I just mean you want to eat Domino's I have to fucking suck your dick while you're eating Domino's it just doesn't make any sense so I was like, I'll get you dinner and I got him dinner and he got

to eat whatever he's not a trashy person he's like a cultured kid he's a drummer or whatever he's drumming he's a drummer and percussionist but he's from the mountains he's from the mountains, he lives in the mountains

he's like a welder he's an interesting guy, smart kid but every guy like that it's very thin every thin guy with a very big dick from a rural area or a suburban area but let's

now, not Beverly Hills let's just say that type of guy for whatever reason loves fettuccine alfredo they all love fettuccine alfredo

it is like the white trash dish for skinny guys with big dicks they love eating fettuccine alfredo now most of my audience is male and let's keep it that way but there are females out there

that are probably to joke but there are females out there that understand what I'm saying that have gone out with a skinny guy with a big dick and he gets fettuccine alfredo now they did not have fettuccine alfredo on the adult menu with this restaurant, they only had it on the child menu

so I had to order two child portions for this guy to make one portion of fettuccine alfredo for him so you know it is what it is but again

you know I'm not saying that everybody has to like nice things or nice restaurants or whatever, okay when I went out to the steakhouse and the person was just continually referencing that they had never been

to a place like this before and that they were so impressed and I was just like if you act like you deserve nothing you'll get nothing

you know and then you start realizing oh this fucker shouldn't be here this person should be a jack in the box or some other horror you know it's not fine

as you get older it's not cute and it's not fun to have been nowhere people that don't travel that don't go anywhere that don't know anything that have no other perspectives what

what is the point I was just down in Hoover Alabama okay Huntsville Alabama I performed at a place called the Stardome legendary comedy club because it's rough it is a rough one

many comics have had a tough time there I had a tough time there it was a beast of a room it's like elderly black people and then white evangelicals from the backwoods of Alabama I used to do all black rooms

I like black rooms this was not as much a black room this is a country room and I still did good it was like it was not a riff thing off the top but you know I'm making fun of brunch in Alabama they don't have fucking brunch

they don't have it they do not have brunch they have 10 buffets they do not have brunch doesn't exist so the frame of reference on some of the jokes doesn't really work I'm talking about tech

I'm doing jokes about tech moving in the cities guess where tech ain't it doesn't work it's not my fault it's not their fault just frame of ret it just is what it is but it's like you travel you see different shit

I stayed in a courtyard married it's now just buying shitty hotels and putting the married name on them and you know hotels are shitty when they have the popcorn ceilings and when the motel walls are like that sand paint you know what I mean

structural problems with the wall to hide how fucked up the wall is they have that sand paint and it's like you put your fingers over it and you feel and when you're laying there you're laying in the bed and the bed's never great you're looking up at the ceiling and the popcorn ceiling

and you're wondering how many hookers have laid in that exact spot hoping that a John didn't flip the fuck out and choke them to death you know in Hoover Alabama how many fucking

Johns have fucked some dude some fucking guy from their church group while their wife thinks they're out taking a jog and some guys sucking them off

in a courtyard married how many people's lives just the absolute horror of people's lives how many and by the way worse much worse than those two images

is me after a gig at the stardom asking why if it's called a room service do I have to go to the lobby and get it that's the saddest image of them all me going let me ask you a question she goes well we don't have anyone to run it up I go well you have

you don't you have you I gotta be here for people to check in honey honey honey no one's checking in let's lock the doors and let's call it a night everybody that's here

everyone that needs to be here is here now that's the road man and I thank everybody who came out in Huntsville Alabama I don't think I think four people came out in Hoover Alabama four to seven fans of mine

that look terrified I mean these are big boys and girls in Alabama these are big boys and girls this is why I'm trying to lose weight now because I don't understand there's no end game I mean there's this comedian Sophie Hagen

who does a show at Edinburgh she was an activist she was the one that threw a fit when Amy Schumer had that movie the last movie she did where she fell on her head I forget no that was three movies ago I'm glad to see this is good when you have a producer

who's with it helps the show I feel pretty it was the latest thing Amy did she fell on her head this chick threw a fit because Amy was not fat enough for these women she's not fat enough so I get it whatever

and this chick does this whole thing about being fat and I'm watching some event she's like how I learned to love my fat body and it's like okay listen I'm not saying not to love your body she's like I was eating a burger and fries and these three teenagers started to film me and I'm like okay well fuck them

they're pieces of shit nobody should film anybody you should not abuse fat people you shouldn't do any of that you should have fucking beat those three teenagers up with her body mass I imagine that it would be a pretty fair fight I think she could probably really give them

a run for their money if not win handling but then it always goes too far like it always goes too far where you're like hey I'm not less healthy yes you are you can you feel

less healthy it's something that you can feel you don't have to go to a doctor and doubt and look you see where it ends it's like drugs it ends up by 600 pound life that's the end those people are less healthy they can't move

they sit on pillows and people just feed them and somehow they have boyfriends and husbands and they're getting laid these alt-right people talking about these school shooters are kind of decent looking a lot of these shooters I'm like I'd suck off anybody who's not

a mass shooting really in the last decade I would absolutely get face fucked by anyone who's done a mass shooting in the last 10 years what's the problem or be god how many of these mass shooters

would have to feel guilty about jerking off I have the idea that I save mass shooting that I save like there's just one of these creepy guys I have to shoot something up and then I meet him and I just suck him so good that he just kills me

and then himself and that's my dream and no one will know that 20 people in a Walmart are now safe just put a star on the wall like the CIA, Morial you'll never know my name just a star on the wall

I just took some dick to the throat over Alabama so that one guy won't go out there now and shoot up and he just goes fuck what a great blow job but now I should just kill this guy and myself and I'm like I don't have to do the improv lab next week

he goes nope and I go oh okay and that's something that I've always dreamed of and I'm going to refresh my email let's see if the guy from the booker from your mom's house has not gotten back to me

I gotta think that's a bad sign now I don't know Ben you're a producer of a podcast and you inhabit this world now how do you think this person feels I'm gonna get a cigarette

how do you think this person feels about what happened today fuck you were an hour late you didn't respond for a whole hour they were definitely checking your Instagram and they saw the post for sure and they thought oh fuck this guy absolutely fuck this guy

you get the matches yes Ben I believe that all to be the case but as somebody who is it do you do you say how do you do you laugh about it do you say

Tim is a funny guy he's a funny guy and he's a wacky guy and do you maybe bring me into berate me and have Drew berate me for being a liar is that not nice I bet that would be hilarious

but I bet Dr. Drew is probably a guy that his time is very valuable so who knows who did you see who they pulled in by the way did they pull in somebody I didn't look I don't think they're recording live because Jesse Reed just did one

and hers is gonna come out later on Drew was pissed I bet he was mad because he's sitting there he drove all the way up to what recita it's set in traffic to fucking I can't control where people go Ben okay I can't control where people go I told you I had

a fucking emergency my mother got out of her institution and wound up in Manhattan Beach now you're shocked when the people of my mother's mental institution

called me and go your mother is on the run again and I said how far did she get out back and I said no she's been sighted in Manhattan Beach by the 10 street beach which is beautiful you should go and try to find her in the water and then when I got to the 10 street beach I said I think she's at captain trips

fish market why don't you go there and if she's not there at least try the black and salmon and the lobster roll and the macaroni salad which were phenomenal and then I got to captain trips and they go she might be at the trump golf course so this bitch I'm trying to

get her with a big net she's a big woman now it's an emergency god I am so fucking banned I am so banned they are never having me back they are never having me back I am done

I am so done but that's what it is man that's where you gotta get good at lying you gotta get good at it like when you go to a restaurant and it's the nicest restaurant you've ever been to go oh yeah this reminds me of a place I went to last week

because I hang I can hang you're the best fucking liar dude you're very talented that's obvious thank you but today I fucked up your biggest talent is lying I've seen you get out of so many fucking situations dude

so many talk about that one in Long Island remember that we went to go see that mob house well can I say the name of that guy I guess I can yeah who cares Vinnie Ocean right yeah he was this guy that lived in my town that the sopranos is based on he ran a family in New Jersey you know so Tim's taking me he'll be getting a Netflix half hour before me

by the way thanks a lot for no offer my 50 minutes was good fucking no offer thanks a lot everybody over there the Vinnie Ocean's house which is I hope Ozark this year is kind of believable I hope it's within the realm of believability

because that shows about as believable as me having an emergency today so we're driving across Long Island and I never worry about being in the car with you even though your license is I've driven on acid many times I know what I'm doing I just know you have a lie prepared if you get pulled

I haven't had a license in five years I don't plan on getting one the state and me have never seen eye to eye it's not for me like I parked here the day was Hollywood because you can't park here I go dude it's not for me these rules are not for me I don't subscribe to this I don't care

I don't care I'll leave I'll move I'll move out of this day it's like no no no this is alternate no today's not the day I go oh today is the day today's absolutely the day we park here because my show right there today's the day and we parked and it's fine it was no ticket

I get bagged very rarely why I hate to say it it's an unfair world I look like a dad I'll just start telling the cop of me my kids are all dead so go into that I'm sorry so we're driving and we

go into what you always told me was down the street from your childhood house but Tony Sopranos house is down the street legit yeah with the Vinny ocean and you we pulled up looks legit just like David Chase had in the Sopranos as soon as we pull in we pull you pull and wait too far because you were bad at

using the shifting from driving to reverse very bad at it we go a little too far and I pull my camera out and I start taking a picture and as soon as I take a picture some dude in a wife beater and shorts bust out the front

yeah what the fuck y'all doing what y'all doing no you're doing black he's Italian oh wait Guido how do you do you're doing you're doing black you do what y'all doing let's like y'all what are you doing that was that that was that you're doing black so he comes up to to my side of the window

I believe and I start looking at my phone trying to think I'm like I should just pretend I'm on a Google Maps yeah you're no helping me I could have put my phone out you make it worse you like make it where you look guilty you seem guilty

and I just looked at him and I like start yelling at him like I don't know where I'm going where am I going we gotta get we gotta get out we have to get off the island and now he's confused you're clearly from Long Island by the way I'm clearly from Long Island I'm clearly I'm clearly from New York

how do I get out I've never been here before I'm from Alabama but he was just thrown completely completely thrown he was so confused I think he knew you were lying but he was just like you gotta go that way to get out

and you're like okay and then it took you like two minutes to get it into reverse and to get out of there but clearly a member of the family yeah probably you know I I've tried to lie with care

you know and today was a day when sometimes you're caught sometimes when I when I saw that email I said I fucked up I fucked up today I should have remit man sometimes I'll forget did you ever just totally forget

I totally forgot the original date was next week they moved it to Friday I totally forgot as soon as Christine said let's go to the beach I was like oh that's fun we'll go do that and I totally didn't think about it

and I'm ashamed I'm ashamed that I didn't but the Instagram story was already up I was already fucked it's kind of already fucked you called me and you were just laughing when the Instagram story is up because it's an interesting thing now that the story is up

what do you do you gotta be really good you almost go do I do do I go full I just totally forgot I'm so sorry and profusely apologize I could have done that that might have been the better move here

to profusely apologize to say I forgot although I think that's as bad I think that's as bad so that seems like the best option here because you're a faggot nobody respects first of all I wouldn't have had this story I wouldn't have had a great laugh

I don't really give a shit either way I don't fucking care I go on to get psychoanalyzed by fucking Dr. Drew for an hour it gives a fuck I mean you'd be nice you'd be fun I do want to do Tom Kristina show I am upset

you know but here's the thing yes you're right in this situation honesty was probably the best policy but you know it's like somebody

there was that quote maybe it's Willie Nelson that I forget whose quote it was the nightlife ain't the right life but it's my life I just said maybe if I just said I had an emergency maybe the word emergency

see that you gotta send that at 3pm you can't send that an hour later even if at 408 I had sent that before I put the story up I would have been okay it was the hour later the emergency

so there you have it folks but that's what the government's doing right now with Epstein they don't care they don't care that it doesn't make any sense they don't care they always useful idiots

at Vox and all this the Wall Street Journal just wrote this whole article about Lex Wessner Lex Wessner Leslie Wexner who's Jeffrey Epstein's money guy he owns Victoria's Secret

and I love like there's a quote in the Wall Street Journal article it's like how could a man who sold blue jeans to women and all these things to women how could he end up financially bankrolling some guy that ended up taking advantage of women how could this happen

and he tried to realize are the people in the press complicit or are they literal retards what is it are they literal because anybody in that Alabama audience would be like

I don't know maybe he's fucking kids like any dumb hick who you explain this story to would very easily be like um maybe they're fucking kids together and that's why he gave them that townhouse and all that fucking money

but these people that write these articles went to like UPenn Yale and Harvard and they don't seem to be able to put it together that maybe the relationship is a little pathological it's a little nefarious

they're like Lex Wessner learned a lesson that was the whole article less learned a lesson about trusting too much I swear to God get the Wall Street Journal article up less learned a lesson about you just can't less his father told him Leslie you're too trusting and kind

that's what I think when I meet billionaires I think they're too trusting and kind that's my first thought when I meet a billionaire read what this says who is writing this I mean literally

Hillary Clinton who is writing these articles and he looks like he fucks kids who but there's very few elderly people that don't look like this like every elderly person looks evil you know most elderly people

not all of them not like Native Americans they don't like elderly white guys it's so easy to just point to an elderly white guy be like a demon but who is writing these like less Wessner gave this motherfucker

a $70 million townhouse how nice you have to be how dumb and nice you have to be you know less gave him a townhouse and all this money for an island and you know what Jeffrey did with that money

he bought all this recording equipment and a whole bunch of kids but do you know what he did less gave him this big beautiful townhouse in Manhattan can you imagine that Jeffrey used that to throw

child orgies man less was shocked and less had no clue because as a billionaire you don't have any resources you can't hire private detectives ex-missile CIA people you can't hire the

paramilitary teams to follow this fucker you have no clue what's going on you're just a billionaire a folksy old billionaire who has no clue what's this internet who is writing these fucking articles I'm really starting to be like

because if you would explain this to anyone at Golden Corral if you had said hey if you would motion to somebody at Golden Corral eating a yeast roll wearing a hospital gown which is what people wear there

they wear hospital gown and hospital socks there because it's the first step many of them go right after they get out of and then they go right back to the corrals right back to the ER it's like a circle if you had said to them you know the pedophile

who bought all that money some old guy gave him all that money and this guy wasn't a specific this guy wasn't really a genius I think he dropped out of college he got some math future job adult in or whatever

but he gave him all that fucking money everybody would go oh you're there in cahoots something's wrong I bet you but people who are writing The Wall Street Journal this eludes them

and somehow the people that read their shit go yeah poor Leslie Wexner he just got taken for a ride there was a show called the music man a play that I was doing when I was a little kid where like this guy who like barely knows how to teach music comes into different towns

like cons everybody and that's what they were acting like Epstein did he's just some con artist that just shows up in a town and he somehow gets the better of all these billionaires that just don't have a clue they don't have a clue Chris Matthews

that fat clump of Irish soda bread on MSNBC who I watch occasionally because he looks like my uncle he's a sputtering like Chris Matthews suggested and I swear to God

that politicians are too poor to travel and that they need people like Jeffrey Epstein because he had a plane and that's why they knew him he goes you know these politicians they make

you know they have all these friendships with these bad characters because Epstein's got a plane and these politicians are making 150 grand a year and they just can't travel so that guy like Epstein we're talking about Bill Clinton Chris

he didn't have the money to travel Chris and the rest of these politicians they're not broke they're full of shit that's a lie all these politicians because I know so your your your angle is

that they just needed frequent flyer miles and that's why they had to take this guy's plane there's no other billionaires with planes right just Jeff that's it you tell me that none of these politicians could I don't know get the CEO united

on a fucking phone and get a few comps what the fuck are they going but it's this nobody nobody wants so I was wondering I'm like are we watching are we watching

like full panic mode panic mode right now where you have these agencies like the CIA and the Mossad

who've been blackmailing people forever they've been using sexual blackmail forever they've been using assets like Jeffrey Epstein forever they've been involved in bringing drugs into the country forever they've been involved in trafficking

human trafficking for a very long time they've been involved in all of these things but they seem to be I mean you got to remember imagine this story without the internet dude fucking imagine this because it was the Franklin scandal

the Franklin scandal was this exact story without the internet they took a girl who told the truth just like this Virginia Guffrey did about Epstein and they threw in solitary confinement for two fucking years which is torture that's two grand juries in Omaha

were needed to cover up the Franklin scandal because there was no internet nobody gave a fuck it was not salacious it was not in the news and what you ended up happening was it was just a massive cover up swept into the rug and they stacked bodies

Gary Caridori who was the private investigator who supposedly got photos got the blackmail photos that incriminated people his plane ended up breaking up with his 8 year old son small plane ended up blown up

one body William Colby CIA director at one point who was looking into this also and knew and many many other people this girl that was in solitary confinement her brother ended up dying they stacked

bodies to prevent this from coming out now with the internet we've already seen one body we've already got Epstein they're like well the New York Attorney General said it's a suicide and it's like oh well alright case closed they've already said the bones broken the neck are more consistent with strangulation

by the way not only should Alex Jones be back on social media he should be given ABC World News tonight he should be he should be given ABC World News tonight I don't know what to tell people I mean it is what it is

I'm sorry about the Sandy Hook shit it's not good but let's stop let's stop this the mainstream press only exists to cover the tracks of these people I don't know what else you need

you read these articles and you're like how dumb are these people you can't be that stupid you can't have gone to all these good schools I mean it's amazing I mean when I meet people that are elites and I know a few people that have gone to schools like that that are in circles like that and they're stunningly ignorant

they're stunningly ignorant and that's why the top 10% of these people that are truly nefarious and are true operators can really can really because they you know they think the best of these people and they're able to

manipulate people because a lot of the people that are true elitism keeps you in a bubble you don't understand the way things happen you don't understand a lot of the things that people that were sitting in the star dome in Hoover Alabama understand

because you are you've been at the top of everything your entire life and everything's come very easy to you and you've never had to look at anything from another angle and you've never had to be deeply suspicious and and you've never had to put things together

and your critical thinking faculties are not as well formed as fucking people that may have been railroaded by the cops or a shady prosecutor in a small fucking town and you're like well I've had the money and the legal power to get away with everything

and you know I've always gotten a fair shake and a fair deal talk to black people they don't have a hard time believing any of this because they've been dealt with unfairly by the system their entire life so they go yeah this is what I have yeah prosecutors lie they make shit up

doesn't matter but like these lily white fuckers that are writing these articles are like I don't understand conspiracy theories about the Jeffrey M. St. Case it's weird it's weird dumb fuck

I'm very sad today about the emergency that I had that prevented me from going on the Dr. Drew show it is a tragic development let's talk briefly about the Patreon the Patreon is launched

it is here it is live it is real it is actual what the Patreon is is a way for people to support the show if there are two levels there are two tiers but at the $5 we didn't want to do a million tiers

we know there's patrons with 75 tiers you know hey if you donate this we'll read your first name if you donate this we'll read your full name stop anybody want that anybody want to hear that show thanks Tommy

oh Lachlan from Seaford New York if you need to hear your name read on the fucking show go fuck yourself literally get a fucking life you sick fuck this is an odd way to get into it but we have two tiers

are we promising to read names before I go off we might have been which case I would have to walk that back a little which I would say I get but we're not doing that shit

we're not doing that nobody wants that I'm not doing that do you need that do you need that you big baby you need me to read your name like a baby like you go

that's me that's me cut it out we have two tiers at the $5 tier okay and I'm talking to you YouTube you pigs

all your fucking comments that I read occasionally $5 you get one extra episode a week some of those will be interviews some of them will be episodes like this they'll be on Patreon you will also get all of the archives

from the show that I did with Ray Kump how many episodes like 140 140 audio archives interviews with Nick Bryant who is the foremost expert on sex trafficking

as it results to the political class Russ Baker Buncha who wrote a great book about the Russian mafia called the Vorhe Michelle McPhee we have John Kiriakou

CIA agent who came on we have a lot of comics like Bobby Kelly Dan Soder, Colin Quinn all of these are in the archives and then a lot of great episodes with me and Ray just a lot of great episodes with me and Ray 100 and how many? about 140

140 audio archives for you at $5 a month so it's an extra episode every single week of this show we're going to get some great guests on and a lot of the episodes will be just us having fun

and then some of the episodes will have guests also and the first page on episode is crazy it's really crazy we have a lot of fun I let loose I imagine Bill and Hillary the morning of the Epstein death

and it's kind of beautiful we might put out a clip from that we should so you have that now for $20 a month because that's the way the world is now it's the haves and have nots $20 a month which is a lot

you're going to get everything that the other people get which is the extra episode a week the audio archives you're also going to get longer videos of those desk videos that I do you're going to get the long versions of them

and we're also going to start making special videos just for Patreon like we're going to make fun videos just for Patreon you're also going to get an email where you can correspond with the show we will answer you you can suggest topics, you can suggest interviews

we'll talk to you you know you know it'll be interactive we want you to kind of help steer the show to a reasonable extent we know who some of you are going to want on

we know I know already I know what you want I know what some of you are going to want we know if I pay $20 can David do come on David Duke cannot come on if you pay $20

that's not enough money now I will say this there was a thousand dollar tier if you give me a grand will I interview David Duke probably I'm not going to agree with him

I'll probably fire back at some of what he says but for a G if you want to Venmo me a grand I'll probably interview David Duke and I'll send it to you you know I know that you know

probably my agent is not going to love that there's a thousand box Grant no one's doing that if you give me a hundred thousand dollars I'll have David Duke on every episode of this show every single episode of this show he'll be the co-host of the show

if you give me a hundred thousand dollars he'll be the co-host of this show you know but that's it listen if you want to support the show we appreciate it if you can't you don't have the money keep telling people to listen

keep telling people I'm supposed to be on Dr. Drew very soon I'm very excited about that and just look out for that one hold your breath those are the tiers twenty dollar tier you really love the show

you really want to support as much as you can you'll get the longer version of the desk videos you'll get I don't know how many videos we'll probably do two or three videos a month just for the Patreon we'll also do the regular videos that we put a minute or two minutes out

those videos are much longer and there's a lot of funny stuff that gets cut there's a lot of funny stuff that gets cut those are five minute sketches and even more and you'll get all of that stuff and it's really funny stuff that just doesn't make it it either can't go on Instagram

because of content or because of time restrictions and you'll get all that stuff and then hopefully this builds to where we're doing our own thing and we're producing things that are actually funny

and we're going to watch those and you know this will be people go oh this is what SNL should be make it what SNL is if we have the resources to do more of this we're going to do as much of it as we humanly possibly can and you guys help us out

it is what it is but I mean the big corporate own places are going to keep doing that safe shit and there's nothing we can really do about that other than do what we're doing and the way to

really throw a scare into those corporate places again if you can't donate money fine but it's just keep telling people about the show, keep sharing those videos keep building that because that's the only way these people are going to fucking notice and they're starting to notice

they're starting to notice that our engagement is so much higher than the shit that they're spending so much money to produce people really like it, people are really into it if you keep sharing that stuff it'll be great I mean that's what

that's really the solution is there anything else we should say about the Patreon? patreon.com slash the Tim Dillon show that's how to find it, that's the URL right there and if you want to find the archives when you're on the Patreon because they're going to get buried under all the stuff we're going to post

just search archives I put a tag on all of them that's archive or archives just search that and you can find the whole list of every episode Tim has done with Ray and also if you want to hear my episode with Dr. Drew you have to really

look I don't know when it's coming out I feel bad I feel bad but what can I do other than apologize other than say in the future

I'm going to come up with a better lie in the future I'm going to spin a yarn that makes everything make sense you know nothing worse than an experienced liar when you strike out

it's nothing worse very sad now you know we're living in a time right now where to be sane in this climate

is the surest way to go crazy that's really what you start to realize is that by design is that happenstance just slaying Maxwell's

eating in and out reading spy novels Jeffrey Epstein in protective custody kills himself before he's about to testify they want you to know that they don't care that there's nothing

that they can't do they will never get caught they'll never be found out this has been going on a lot and I don't want to blackpill everybody I don't want people to be upset because there is certainly there are options

and there are different ways history can go and we've seen that but right now you're seeing how much they can fuck you in your face

they're fucking you in your face and no one I mean people are upset about it but the level of outrage is nowhere near what it should be and I think

that is what this is like a little stress test to it I mean they had to do it so it's not like a stress test in the sense that there was another option they had to do this especially if this is a billion

multi-billion-dollar human trafficking all these rich fucks need to know that it's never getting out we're never getting caught don't worry about it it's never getting out it will never happen that's why

you can think whatever you want about immigration or I think you need it but you can't have open borders there's got to be a policy there's got to be a system which makes me to some people a card carrying SS member

and to other people it's not nearly conservative enough because we shouldn't have any immigrants I want to do every job do you? but my favorite I mean Ray used to laugh about this you know the people that are really against immigration

they say this which I love this is my favorite other than pretending to care about blacks which was hilarious remember that all the conservatives were like well then how are black people going to get work it's like that's rich that's really

that's the angle my favorite thing of the pro-immigration crowd was this they go we're a nation of laws we're a nation of laws nope nope

no we're not no we're not we're not we have laws sure you know we're not a nation of laws that's insane

we're a nation of laws above the law and then other people covering up and covering the tracks for those people we're not a nation of laws those laws aren't applied evenly and to think that they are

you have to be so ignorant of history it's kind of hilarious we're a nation of laws if you don't have the law on your side you know everything's by the book here is it Jeffrey Epstein's dad

just laying Maxwell's eating animal style fries why isn't this bitch in cuffs is it because we're a nation of laws is that what it is how long have we done hour and a half yeah oh god it's too long

god with the ads it's gonna be so fucking long gotta cut me off here timdillacomedy.com please come to see me at Good Nights Comedy Club in Raleigh which is coming up August 22nd to the 24th I'm excited to be there it's a great club Stress Factory in New Jersey

September 5th through the 7th Go Bananas in Cincinnati later that month please buy tickets tag your friends in the social media post tell them they should go the schedules that I put up every week at LA or on Instagram

usually for my spot to the improv and comedy store come out locally I'm gonna do some headlining stuff in New York City the fall I'm gonna run some time that I have there at the stand comedy club and restaurant I'm gonna come back probably in October

to do a half hour a new half hour material there if not maybe a little more in 45 minutes we'll see we'll do a headlining set there might do a live podcast there as well so and I'm also I'm going to do

my tour bus show one final time for the New York comedy festival this year in November where I take a double-decker tour bus to New York City all these wealthy areas past Jeffrey Epstein's house and we talk about

all of the fun stuff like, you know all the stuff all the good stuff you don't really hear on any other tour it's fun people and how they've made their money poisoning rivers you know

you know, best case so that's about an hour an hour and 15 minutes hour and 20 minutes show on the top of an open double-decker tour bus we're gonna do about five of them

this is the last time I'm gonna be doing that I started it in 2016 I've done it every year I've done it three years in a row this will be the fourth year and kind of the final year we were probably gonna tape it maybe it'll become something

maybe I'll sell it as a special, maybe not but it's the last year that I'm gonna do that I love doing it but it's time to retire it but it is one of the funnest, coolest, craziest things that I do and it's something that you know

it's an experience that you can't really get anywhere else you know I might do it in LA, I've always wanted to do it in LA it works much better in New York just the way the city is set up and structured it's much better so if you want to get tickets to that

timdilloncomedy.com timdilloncomedy.com you can sign up, there's an email list we email you 24 hours before the tickets go on sale to the general public obviously it's fucking August we got a while to go but if you email that

if you sign up for that email list we shoot you out an email 24 hours before tickets go on sale to the general public you're pretty much guaranteed to get tickets if you act quickly if you check your email, check it 3 days later but

because you know it's 50 seats or 60 seats on each bus it's not a lot of seats, probably like 55 seats I do 5 of them but this is not a ton of people that are going to get to see this we're talking in the low hundreds

of people that are coming they always sell out and people really enjoy them and it's just a lot of fun so that is something that will be happening too we'll hit you with more details and look out for

my episode that I did today with Dr. Drew Dr. Drew After Dark was really fun I enjoyed it, it was great and when that comes out I'll let you know about it we'll post it on social media, thanks so much