The Tim Dillon Show - 169: 169 - We're The Dirtbags

Episode Date: October 13, 2019

Tim recounts a winding tale through his past about the first time he tracked down his stolen phone, the future of the nation, and gets the record straight on people that make politics their personality. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash. Popcorn boxes, pots, and candy wrappers. Mmm, they all taste so good. Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me? Thank you for considering your fellow patrons. Sitting here in the backyard in West Hollywood, we are not on the porch. I want to apologize to everybody on YouTube that has spent a lot of money to watch this show done on a porch. It will be done on a porch again. Fear not. The Ben is here, I just got off tour with Bert, just got off a fucking bus, and then a plane. And now I'm back in West Hollywood, and I lost my fucking phone.

I just lost my phone. There is no feeling worse than losing your phone. It used to be your wallet, because I've lost both. Your phone is now your wallet. I don't care about my wallet. I'll throw my wallet in a river. I don't get, what am I going to lose? A business card, an executive, a true TV? No thanks. I'll throw my wallet in the LA River, but my fucking phone is my lifeline. You can do nothing without a phone. And like an idiot, we got off the plane, Bert had a car, we jumped in the car, went to Bert's house. I got an Uber, pulled up in a Black Jeep Liberty, Russian Chick, a lot of plastic surgery.

I even said to myself, I made a mental note, don't leave anything in this fucking car. You will not see it again, because she'll know how to move it. She will know how to get rid of that fucking, whatever I leave in that fucking car, which again, all I have is my phone. I even made like a weird mental note when I saw her, and as soon as she said hello, and I could hear the accent, it was like Russian. Or maybe Ukrainian, one of the Ex-Ov Republic, I don't know. But whatever it is, I'm like, I didn't feel particularly comfortable with the chance that I would get my property returned to me. I saw the amount of plastic surgery, I'm like, she's got a few different hustles going on, and I was one of those hustles today. And I left my fucking phone in the backseat of this Uber. And as soon as I walked in the house, I checked, I didn't immediately, I didn't make the connection.

And then about, because I look at my phone, you realize you look at your phone every few minutes. So as soon as I set my shit down and I got a glass of water, I went, fuck, wait, what? Where's the phone? I felt my pocket. I'm like, where is the phone? And there was no phone. And I said, okay, and I went and I tore my room apart, and then immediately panic began to set in. Because I'm like, fuck, I lost this phone. I have people's numbers in there that are important. I have people that I don't want being called. I don't need people calling the numbers I have in the phone. Okay. And I call Ben on my FaceTime on my Mac. And Ben goes, hey, there's a sprint store open. You can go there. No problem. I'll get you a lift. Ben used to drive Lyft, so he deals with Lyft. He does not deal with Uber. He deals with Lyft.

Lyft is clearly the lesser of the two services, and they employ people who are both emotionally disturbed, you know, mentally deficient. These people are, I don't know how anyone who does Lyft has a license. I don't know how they got a license. When you get in a Lyft, not only you're taking your life in your hands, I mean, it's crazy. It's a real difference. It's not just a fucking hacky joke premise, although there's a lot of people with those types of jokes. I forget. Maybe it was Alyssa in Paris. I think somebody on Twitter was like, she had a great tweet about like you get in an Uber versus getting in a Lyft, you know? And you get, or maybe she did a video about it and you get in a Lyft and it's fucking mayhem. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to go now. And I don't know how long it's going to take because if I have insurance, you know, hopefully I have it. I think I have insurance. I didn't have to find my iPhone. I thought I did, but if the phone's off, it doesn't matter anyway.

My phone was dead, so it didn't matter anyway. And I get in the Lyft with a MacBook and a guy pulls up ball guy, it's a Lyft, so it's a Chevy Cruze, it's a small bright red Chevy Cruze. If I had a Chevy Cruze, boy, I would get it in a color that blended in. You know what I mean? Like I would not advertise my Chevy Cruze with like a candy apple red. This is a Cruze. It's not a Malibu. This is a Cruze. The Cruze is the smaller car. It's like a two door. It looks like a lot of these cars now look like somebody shit a car. It is the literal aesthetic of the car, the shape is like it just plopped onto the street.

And I get in the Cruze and I have the MacBook because I said I'm going to have to call you back to order another one of these fuckers while I'm in sprint. So I get in the Chevy Cruze with what I imagine is a lunatic. We drive to the nearest sprint store. He pulls me up to a corner and goes, I'd papa. I'd papa. This is you. All right, papa. This is you. Well, no, it wasn't me because there was no sprint store. And I said, I'm looking for a sprint store. He's like, ah, no sprint store, papa. I said, well, well, then I'm going to stay in the car because I was going to the sprint store. So as long as you're treating me, you're going to call me papa, treat me like your father and let's find the store.

He goes, this is you, papa. It says here, sprint. I said, I don't see sprint. He goes, yeah, I don't either. I don't either, papa. So I say to him, I roll the window down. I said to a guy, you know of any sprint store in this area? He'd heard of one, ever seen one. The guy goes, no, keeps walking. I say to the driver, I say, what was happening? Because I don't know. So I'm like, maybe like sometimes with a restaurant, it had been closed or it had been remodeled or whatever. But you had told me, Ben had said, I had spoke to the guy at the sprint store. So I'm like, there is a store. Somebody answered the phone.

So Ben says the address is three, whatever. This guy allows me to call Ben. I call Ben. Ben says the address. This guy goes, oh, we're not at three. We're 291, papa. I said, yeah, no good. He goes, papa, maybe we should drive around and look for the sprint store. I said, well, that would be lovely. That would be very nice if we could find the thing that I want to go to. Can we do that? Because that is the point of the service. I know it was fun to drive with you. He had Fleetwood Mac on, which I appreciate. He did not look like he was a Fleetwood Mac fan. I don't like to make rush judgments, but I did not think he would be getting into Stevie Nicks. And I was like, that's nice. You know, we drive up and down the block, no sprint store.

We then go, we pull in front of this big parking garage and he goes, maybe the sprint store is in there. And I go, oh, I don't know, but I don't think so. I don't see any signs that say sprint. So he goes, yeah, papa, no good. He said, no, it is not good. I go, let me just have my friend Ben change the location on this. He goes, buddy, this is a pool. Can't change the location. I said, sir, it's not a pool. It's not a pool. He goes, yeah, this is a share. He goes, somebody else is going to come in here now. And I said, well, if somebody else gets in, that's fine. I'm letting you know this right now. I selected the feature where I would just go to the place. This is not a situation.

So he looks at the phone. He goes, you're right, papa. I said, okay. So then we call Ben. Ben changes the address. This guy drops me off because I don't have a phone. I'm not walking around LA with a MacBook. Like a psychopath going into different businesses going, can I use your wifi so I can FaceTime my friend so he can call me a lift? Because that's literally what I would have had to do. Hey, can I get on the wifi here so I can FaceTime him so I can get a lift back? And does anyone know where a Sprint store is? And we got 10 minutes before Sprint closes. Because Sprint closed because it's Sunday at seven and who wants to work? Who needs hours?

No one, not in this country. Everybody's doing good. Nobody needs any overtime here. Not from what I see. Let's shut it down early. So I get back to the house. Now the phone is gone. My phone is gone. I got to go to Sprint tomorrow morning. I've only lost my phone twice in a way that I, like the first time I lost my phone, I was, it was 2013. I had just moved into New York City. I was living with a married couple, two comedians who fought bitterly and eventually got divorced. It was the second divorce I had witnessed. The first was my parents. I probably played a role in both. I moved in to a five-story walk-up. A tenement building was built in 1911, meaning that there are no elevators.

There are stairs. You walk up five stories. You get to your apartment. Our apartment was a railroad apartment, a long hall with rooms on either end. They had a room. I had a little shitty room with no door. It had steam heat in the building, so there was a steam pipe. At the end of my bedroom, if I touched it with my foot, I would wake myself up because I'd have a burn on my foot. The kitchen had a shower in the kitchen. There was a shower with a curtain around it in the kitchen. So you would be frying an egg and somebody would be washing their ass. That was literally the setup of the apartment. Somebody would be washing. This woman would be loofa-ing her snatch, and I would be heating up baked beans in the kitchen.

That's the way that I lived. I was 25 years old. I was thrilled to be there because the mortgage thing had collapsed. I'd moved into the city. I'd been doing comedy about two years, and I'd just moved into the city. As soon as I moved into the city, God decided, in His infinite wisdom, to destroy Long Island with Hurricane Sandy. I appreciated that. I appreciated that He waited until I left, and then He destroyed my friends and family, which I sanctioned. Now, God, of course, could not be held responsible. He didn't really know. He was probably trying to get rid of Long Island, but he had no idea. He could not even conceive how durable these monsters were, so they were able to hang on. But it was bad. Right after Hurricane Sandy, lots of people that I knew, their homes were ruined.

My grandmother's house was completely flooded. She had to go live with my aunt Donna for a year. Most of the homes in the town that I lived in, Island Park, were completely destroyed. Boats were floating down the main streets in the town that I lived. There was, like, four feet of water in Lower Manhattan. It was bad. The financial district, Staten Island, all of these places. I'd never seen an event like that. I remember as a little kid, hurricanes, and I remember people taking boats down the streets of my town, because I think it was Gloria or something. I can't remember. Might have been another one.

But Sandy was the first thing where you saw the nature's ability to completely, just everything in its path, it destroyed. And people's lives were completely ruined. I mean, if not ruined, whatever you were doing was pushed back a year, at least. Now, of course, my loser friends are still using Hurricane Sandy as an excuse in 2019. They are still going, you know, Hurricane Sandy, I was gonna go to school and then Sandy. They've been using that as an excuse forever. I couldn't get my business off the ground because of Hurricane Sandy. Okay, well, hey, Anthony, maybe and maybe not. Maybe not.

So, Hurricane Sandy happened. Now, where was Timmy? Timmy was living in the fifth floor of the building in Hell's Kitchen on 45th between 8th and 9th Avenue, right in the middle of Hell's Kitchen, two blocks from Times Square. It was a wild place to live. When these two would fight, I would go walk around in the middle of the night and just talk to hot dog vendors and guys that were dressed like Tigger and Winnie the Pooh, the dumb Times Square characters. I would just walk around, smoke cigarettes at 2 a.m. in Times Square. So, I mean, every subway went there. It was a very convenient place to live, but it was crazy.

You walked out and two blocks, you would just hit with waves of people and it was still a little sketchy. It was not that sketchy, but it was one of the only areas in New York City because it was a few blocks from the Port Authority bus terminal. You know, you know, Bricka Coke in the pussy, little human trafficking, little smash and grab, a couple of slashings, nothing crazy, but just a little flavor of a city that had really gotten bland. You would see every now and then, you would see something and you'd go, oh, okay, it's still kind of New York here.

You know, like there was a woman who would just scream on our block. She would just come to our block and scream at the sky. And you'd go, oh, okay, I kind of get. Now, if you multiply her by thousands, that was what I guess it was like to live there in the 70s, the 80s. But this thing that I lived in, we had bedbugs twice, by the way. Bad bugs, baby. It was a rat in our lobby that was there all the time. It was not an ideal place to live, but for me, for comedy, it was,

because I never wanted to be there. I always wanted to be out doing comedy, so it worked. But during Hurricane Sandy, it was actually one of the best places to be in the city. Okay? I didn't leave that whole week except to go downstairs. Friends of mine were like, oh, the lights are out all over the city. You got to see Manhattan in the dark. It's so great.

Got to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. We're all into it. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. No. I sat and I started watching Breaking Bad. Oh, you should come back to Long Island and help people. Hey, hey, have we met? Bye.

Watch Breaking Bad. Fro-Yo. Sandwich. Breaking Bad. Clean it up. Figure it out, folks. Figure it out. You want to live on the water like a badass?

So I literally didn't leave. The two people that I were living with, their families were from Staten Island. So they went to go help out in Staten Island. Now, to help out, God only knows what they were doing. They were probably running people's pockets. It doesn't matter, you know? These two weren't exactly, you know, they weren't in the Peace Corps. Let's put it that way.

It's whatever they would do. And they're probably stealing copper wiring at a building. I don't know. It's not my business. God love them. But, you know, where there is chaos, there's opportunity. So good for them. They were like, are you feel guilty that you're not helping?

I was like, who are you? How are you helping? How are you two helping? So I was friends with one of my best friends, who I really don't speak to anymore, that I'm kind of sad about not speaking to, was a woman named Melanie. She's an interesting woman.

She did comedy for a few years. She was very funny and she was very dark. And it wouldn't always work. She talked mainly about plane crashes on stage. And she had a voice like this. It was kind of deep. She'd go, yeah. And she'd talk about Delta Flight 1791.

Yeah. She was the last thing the pilot said. When they were crashing in San Diego, he said, this is it, baby. Love you, Ma. And then they crashed. Yeah. And I thought it was great. You know?

Because why not? Now the audiences were not always in it. Some of them were. Some of them were. She had a great bit of, a great joke about the word retarded. Forget what it was. She was like, somebody came up to me and they were like,

can't say retarded. She was like, well, what if your break pads are retarded? Because break pads can retard. It was some votevillian joke. And she just kept going retarded. Whatever. I liked it. Okay.

She's not going to win the Mark Twain prize. She was a lot of fun. She loved talking shit. She loved driving into the city. She loved doing an open mic or two and then having a big dinner that we couldn't afford. And then driving home in her car that she like, she was like, it was an old Vova that she worked on.

She was like kind of a lesbian, but kind of not. She was all over the place, but she was really fun. And I, I, she was like my partner in crime for those two years in comedy. And she lives on Martha's Vineyard now, but she was a lot of fun. And she was somebody that I would call and we always like, we knew what bullshit Long Island was. And we knew what bullshit like these Long Island comedians,

like these delusional psychopaths in Long Island. I thought they were going to get sitcoms and they thought like the city was going to come to them, you know? And we knew what it was. And me and her used to laugh all the time. And we'd be like, these people are, she used to call one of the guys Rob. She used to call him fat mouth.

It was one of the greatest things ever. She goes fuck mouth. She called him fat mouth because he never shut up. And she was fun. And Melanie helped me move into this apartment. She saw it. And during hurricane Sandy, I was kind of on the phone with her and talking to her.

And these were grifters that I moved in with, but I was a grifter. It was a, a grift, a grift. You know, this was it. We were all, they were living in the apartment of a woman who had a rent control apartment that let them live there, which is not allowed, but it is what it is. Melanie always used to kid around. He'd be like, is that woman dead?

Chopped up somewhere in one of the closets. I'm like, probably who cares? By the way, our toilet was not in the apartment. It was in the hall of the building. Okay. The whole of the building. So you'd have to go out to use a bit. And when it was a tiny little bathroom and you were just sitting

it, I was just enough space to shit. And when you pissed, you'd have to hold the seat up because it would, you had to hold it up and then pee and like lean against the wall. It was a fucking wild situation. So Melanie, so now I was on the subway. This was a little after Hurricane Sandy. And I had this crazy commute because I got a job selling

copiers in Staten Island. Okay. Cause one thing we know about Tim Dillon, he makes good decisions and he surrounds himself with great people. Those are the two things you know about me. Good decisions, even better people. I went on Craigslist for a telemarketing job because I'm a loser and every loser has most likely considered telemarketing

at one point in their career of being a loser. And I had been a loser for a long time. And I said, and I got on the phone with this nice guy, an older man named James, and he goes, you can come to Staten Island. You'll telemark it from nine to one. And it's a little bit of a commute. I said, fuck it. You'll hire me because my deployment was running out.

I was on the Obama plan. Two years of unemployment, 405 a week for two years, 99 weeks. Thank you, father. He knew, he knew I was working on my craft. And in order to get this, I had to go to back to school at Nassau Community College at 27, 28 years old, which was mortifying. Patricia Neil talks about it.

He goes, if you see somebody over, you know, over 30 in college, you're like, what the fuck are you doing? I was, I was in gym class at 28 years old at Nassau Community College being insecure that I wasn't picked to be someone's fucking tennis partner at 28 years old in a community college. Okay. Only so I could be a full-time student.

So I didn't have to look for work and I could get my unemployment. That's where I was. And then the government said, hey, fat ass, this is over. You got to figure it out. So I got a telemarketing job at Staten Island. Now this was my commute. This was literally my commute.

Get on the R train. I'd wake up at six o'clock in the morning. It was still dark. I would leave my apartment. I would get on the R train at 45th. The R train, I think it was the R. Was it the one? Well, whatever it was, just don't, you know, these people

would go, it's actually, the order doesn't go there. It's all fake, isn't it? Was it the one of the R? I don't know, but it went down to South. I think it was the one, I don't know, went down to South Ferry. That was 35 minutes, 30 minutes to get down to South Ferry on a good day, maybe a little faster.

Then at South Ferry, I got off to get on the Staten Island Ferry. The Staten Island Ferry is the most depressing place in the world. The Staten Island, maybe all of New York, because it is a boat. It runs 24 hours a day and it takes people from the lucky ones, from Staten Island to Manhattan.

But then there are some oddities that commute to Staten Island for work. They were unable to secure positions in the thriving metropolis that is Manhattan. There wasn't enough. They couldn't figure out a way to work on the island where they lived. So they had to go to Staten Island and take a 20-minute

boat ride, passing the Statue of Liberty, but going in the wrong direction, going the opposite way. The hopeful immigrant journey went one way. We're going the other way, back to the old country. Then I would get to Staten Island and then I'd get on the S-74, the S-74 bus. And I would sit there on the bus for one and a half hours until it took me, dropped me off in Tottenville.

And I went to go work at Reliable Office Systems in Tottenville. Me and Ray did the soldiers. So this whole commute on a good day was two and a half hours to my $12 an hour job where I would call up and use and go, hi, this is Tim Dillon from Reliable. You answer the phone. Hey, how's it going?

Who's calling? Hey, this is Tim Dillon with Reliable Office Systems. Is this Ben? Yes. Hey, Ben, how are you? I was just following up. I know that we had had a conversation a while ago regarding some of the office equipment that you guys were working on.

Do you still have the RICO copiers? You're still working with them? I don't remember getting a call, but yeah, we use those copiers. Hey, Ben, I'm sure you speak to a lot of people. I'm not going to hold it against you. I do remember talking to you though. You got a pretty voice.

Oh, thanks, man. You're welcome. Ben, the RICO copiers that you're using, you have them on lease. That lease is coming up in about three or four months. I work with Reliable. We're an authorized Canon dealer. You know Canon.

We know Canon. Hey, Ben, it's a good machine. Yeah. It's a good fucking machine. And the RICO, I bet you have some problems. Now, here's the thing. Everyone hates the copier. It's always breaking.

And I'm going to sell you something and it's always going to break. Okay. Everyone hates it. Okay. The copiers always break. This is what they do. They just break, right?

Yeah. There are these big machines that cost lots of money. Inkjet or the bullshit, color cop, you know, all of them. I'm like, Ben, I want you to look at these. I'm not really a copier salesman. I want to help you go paperless. I want to come and really show you how to evolve your entire business, how to throw out some of those fax

machines. Let's all go online. Let's go wireless. Let's do this, blah, blah, blah. The Canon rep in the area that wants to come in, talk about maybe buying you. This is a scam. Buying you out of your existing lease and getting one of our

way overpriced machines that will also break almost immediately right after you buy it. But we have great service and they'll come anytime day or night. Now we say this and then you call with some guy like, Hey, what? What happened? You're like, this thing, the pizza shit doesn't work.

All right. I'll be there. And two hours later, you call. He's still not there. He comes in. He makes it worse. So I go, we got, we got our own in-house servicing. We service everything here.

This is a depressing selling copier says when you go into a sales office, you want people to have actual money. You want to see nice cars in the parking lot, right? Because you at least are operating under the delusion that if you get to be good at this, you too can drive a nice car and have a nice Tuscan themed kitchen with heated floors where you can sit at the table and eat strong bully that you brought bought at a grocery store.

That's the dream for a lot of people in sales. They can just eat food at their kitchen table and they can get drunk in their house and do coke off the granite countertops that they fleeced a lot of people out of their own good money to pay for. But I didn't see that when I walked in. I walked in, I saw a few cars, nothing was great. I walked in and they said our top producer is named Ida.

Now Ida was an older woman and she looked at me. She goes, hey kid, how are you? Good. They go, we're going to sit you next to Ida. We want you to hear the pitch. We want you to hear how Ida does it. Ida looks at me. She goes, I'm killing it here kid.

It's how she talks. She's like, I'm killing it here. She goes, if I keep saving and I work hard for another six months, I'm going to finally afford. And I'm like, what? Woo. What are you getting? A house on a water?

What are you going to get? She goes, I could finally afford a car. And I'm like, oh shit. She's taking the bus. The top producer is taking the bus like I am. She's taking the bus. Then there was this other guy, Joe, real fat guy, sweet guy, real fat guy. He was also taking the bus.

So the whole sales force got on the bus at the end of the day. Like the losers we were. Okay. We got on the bus that like wouldn't come and we don't stand there smoking cigarettes in the street in Staten Island. Okay. Ida talked really fast. She'd get on the phone.

She'd be like, hey darling, how are you? This is Ida with reliable office assistant. Ida talked about the print in a copy of scanner. She would just say words. She would just overwhelm them with words. She'd be like, Canon, Canon is good machine. Canon, Canon authorized dealer, print a copy of scan of fax, color, copy of coded fax, scan of copy of account rep in your area, sit down,

you buy out of the lease, color, copy of scanner, copy of scanner. We get everything there delivered to you, service 24 hours a day, service, scan of copy of color, code. And like idiots on the other end of it, like, yeah, all right. Send them in Wednesday. She'd set a lot of appointments. Sometimes a rep would show up to the appointment and the guy go, I don't know what that bitch was talking about.

I have no idea. We don't need nothing. She just kept yelling. I just said, yeah, whatever. Send them in Wednesday. I don't know if you are. So she's set a lot of junk appointments. She's like, you want them to come in Thursday?

They're like, who? Who? What? So I, on my way there one day in this job, I was very good at it. And then they made me a copier guy. Like I got the, I got put in the Manhattan office and I had no money. So after three months of statin island, I said, we're giving you a

promotion. You're going to work for Al. Al heard you on the phone. It's taking a liking to you. So I go in and they had a nice office on Bryant park. I go up and I meet Al and Al goes, Hey, how you doing? He goes, you're making a lot of noise over there in statin island. Now, by the way, I didn't even know what that means.

I said like three appointments, but it was better than everybody else. Right. They used to get people right out of prison that would like forget what they were selling. You know what I mean? If anyone asked them a question, they'd be like, they'd be like, like one, one lady started crying in the middle of a sales call.

She just goes, she hung up and it was like the guy called back. The guy that she was on the phone called back is like, is she okay? What's going on? This is the caliber of people. So Al said to me, you're making a lot of noise over there in statin island. You're going to come over here. This is the big leagues.

These are the big boys kept saying the word big. It's the big time. The big leagues, the big boys. Because you see Madeline pointed to some fat Spanish Jack. Madeline's going to make six grand this month. I come from mortgages. People used to make 40 grand in a month. Madeline's making six K this month.

I said, why do you Maddie? He opened the door. She's like diving into one of those salads that has more calories than a sandwich with like goat cheese and fried chicken and cranberries and like cranberry relish and balsamic glaze. It's like chocolate syrup all over it. He goes, Maddie's going to make six. Aren't you Maddie?

She goes, he goes, we're all going to go on a trip this year. Maddie might qualify for the trip. Maddie's real excited because, you know, these sales companies, if you do well, they take you to a trip, which you could just get with your own money, but it's fun to go with the whole company because there's always a chance you'll get drunk and say the wrong thing. And, you know, so be fired. I don't know what would be the wrong thing with these goons.

You could kind of say whatever you wanted. He's like, you like sports? I'm like, ah, not really. He's like, who's your team? Yankees? Mets? He's probably asking every question and be like, are you gay? Every question.

He's like, you like sports? What do you like? You like sports? I bet you're a sports guy. He's like, Yankees? Mets? He named like 40 teams. Literally, he was like, Padres?

You like the Padres? I bet you're a Padres guy. They haven't had it. They haven't had anything in a bit, but I bet you, is that what you like? Astros? I just wanted to be like, no, no, no, I suck dick. But I didn't say that. I just sat in the chair because I needed this gig.

I was like, oh, what a good gig. I could work here. And we worked. It was this guy, Joe in our office. And it was this guy, Joe, and Joe was like a, you know, these were copier salesmen. So you got to remember, there, even the good ones are shit. Even the good ones are not respected, but it's the lowest level of sales, office equipment, copiers.

It's just winning is losing in that game. And this guy, Al lived, where did I live? Long Island. I was like, I got Nikita. Nikita will kill people. He goes to delivery guy came in the other day and the delivery guy put the pizza down, but Nikita thought he was going for my daughter. Nikita squared up with him.

He's going to kill him. It's like, oh, that's nice, Al. It's very nice. Very sweet. So I start working there. My second day on the fucking job. I'm heading to the office. I'm on the subway.

I leave my, I lose my phone. I leave my phone on the subway. Fuck. So now I'm fucked. I get back to my apartment at the end of the day. Cause now I'm getting all my company emails on my phone. I'm getting my calls from my clients on my phone. I sold like two copiers in a year.

Two hedge funds, one big office on Park Avenue that had like two lawyers in it. And the rent was like a hundred grand a month. These two lawyers were like, you know, whales of lawyers, big, I don't mean fat. I mean, like they had a lot of money, big clientless, serious. You know, and I would walk into these places. I had one jacket. My father got me a jacket that was covered in bird shit and had holes in it that he found. He literally found it and then just gave it to me.

My father's like lack of giving a shit is I can only admire it now cause it is hilarious. Like my friend Melanie was shocked. She was like, I cannot believe your father gave you this jacket. My father was like, I found an old jacket of mine son. It's yours. It had holes in it and bird shit that he like found. It was like, it had moth balls. It was like rotting after Sandy and he just gave it to me.

So that was, I didn't have any money. I had no money. So I was like walking into these offices in the shit jacket and Al was so embarrassed. I was like, you got to get another jacket. He's like, this, you know, you got to look the part. Like, I know Al. So I leave the phone on and I'm like, I get home. I'm so like, I'm like sweating.

I'm nervous. I have anxiety. I'm insane. I'm like, Melanie, I fucking get my roommate, my roommate gives me your phone. I go, Melanie, I'm coming to Long Island. We got to figure this out. So I come out to Long Island. We go to my friend Joe Munster's house.

So I've talked about a million times. Melanie goes, there's this thing called find my phone on your iPhone. She goes, I don't know if it'll work. If your phone is still on, it's going to. It'll register where your phone is. So I'm like, okay. So I go back. I'm smoking SIG after SIG.

My hair is matted with sweat. Melanie is, I wouldn't, let's, let's just say not a looker. She has an interesting look. It's interesting. She's not, she looks like a, like a hippie from Woodstock. She was like overalls and like Ked shoes. And she has like a big straw hat, right? Total grifter vagabond type of look.

I am in a coat covered in bird shit with holes on it. With my hair as matted with sweat and I'm smoking cigarettes. And everything is bad. Go to my friend Joe's house. We go and find my phone and we go, oh my God. It's live. It's on and it's in a fucking nice area. She's like a fucking rich kid stole your phone.

I said, fuck a rich fuck stole my phone. I look at her and she goes, oldest story in the book. This is, by the way, you have to realize everyone I know is completely full of shit. Do you understand what I mean? Like every person that I've ever in my life, Matt is completely full meaning that nobody ever has ever said the words. I don't know.

Or let's wait. Or let's withhold. Like everybody's just, here's the way it happened. I see it as clear as day. Me included. So Melania is rich fuck stole your phone and we're going to go get it back because it's a rich kid piece of shit. And he stole your phone and he's going to panic when we show up

at his house and his parents. It's going to be a whole big thing. I said, Melania, you're a goddamn genius. So we get in the car and we head there. And Melanie's like, I can't believe it. Why would he steal it? And I'm like, well, cause it's a thrill, the thrill. And she goes, you're right.

I'm like, they just want to steal these rich fucks that thrill. They get high. It's an endorphin rush. And I'm like, he probably didn't shut it off cause he's an idiot. She goes, okay. She goes, but here's what we should do. She goes, we should call the police and have the police ready because otherwise, if we're trespassing or we go on a property

that we're not supposed to go on, we're fucked. Like we're in trouble because this is a nice area, right? I'm like, that's a good point, Melanie. I have a suspended license. I'm like, I'm like, if they look me up, they could bag me. So she goes, we got to get ahead of it. Get ahead of our own cancellation. Call the police.

Explain to them that this rich kid stole your phone. They have no proof, by the way, no proof. Explain to them that a rich kid stole your phone and he's in his house and we're going to go confront him right now. And we, we just want, that's what we're doing here in this neighborhood. Okay. Now. So we go to the cop.

We call the police. The police pull up. They say they had to arrest us because we both were in an old Volvo old. We both look like hammered shit. As the guy, that guy in blade said that I look like hammered shit. That old guy played three. Watch it. Great film.

The cops go, what's the problem? I go, officer, I was robbed today by the man who lives in that house. He took my cell phone. I was on the way to work. I'm a copier salesman. Melanie goes, yeah, they stole his phone. They took his phone. And then we went on from my iPhone and there's the iPhone is in the house.

So we got, you got to get it. So he goes, okay. He goes, okay. So Melanie and me like, we're like, Melanie's like, you take him in for this? You arrest him for this? What happens now? They're stealing from the working people. Melanie goes, we're just working people.

We're both smoking cigarettes in the car. The cop thinks the cops three minutes away from breathalyzing her because he thinks we're running a scam. Okay. He goes, she goes, they're stealing from working people. She goes, it's not right. I go, it's not right. I'm just waving a cigarette in there.

He goes to anything. He goes to either of you have ID. We start going back at him. We're like, what is this now? He goes, well, I just don't know what's happening. And so he takes our IDs, checks her ID cause she's in the driver's side. Comes back. He goes, all right, let me knock on the door.

He goes, he knocks on the door. We're sitting there. We're like, yeah, justice comes back out to the car. He goes, are you Tim Dylan? He goes, yeah. He goes, why don't you walk up to the house? I walk up to the house. One of the best looking kids who's probably in his early 20s opens a door,

big smile on his face. He's standing there flanked by two loving parents. And he goes, hey man, are you Tim Dylan? He goes, yeah. He goes, dude, I called four of your friends. I found your phone on the subway. I called four of your friend to try to get in touch with you and they all hang up. They were all drug dealers.

He's calling my, he's calling my dirt bag friends that owe everyone in the world money. He goes, I called all your friends. He's like, I left a message with your dad. I tried to get in touch with you. He's like, I'm so happy you came out of your man. This is such a happy ending. And me and Melanie are standing there looking like shit on the steps. So this little mini mansion and this gorgeous kid and his beautiful loving parents hand me my phone.

And the cop just looks at us like we're total human garbage. Right. And so I say to the kid, I'm like, this is real nice. Hey, my uncle, he owns a couple of restaurants. If you ever want to go out somewhere, let me know. The kids like, yeah, all right, man. Thanks. Just gives me my phone.

The parents are like, what a nice story. Isn't this nice? He's like, well, you didn't think I stole the phone, right? I'm like, no, we know how this is, you know, and Melanie's like, yeah, we see where you live. You don't need a phone. So then shuts the door. The cops now won't even look at us because they're completely disgusted. They're completely disgusted by us.

We walk back to the car. I get in the car. Melanie gets in the car. Melanie just looks at me. She goes, yeah, I guess we're the dirtbags. And I'm like, yeah, I guess we are Melanie. I guess we are the dirtbags. She goes, fuck it.

And then we just drove away and smoked cigarettes, but I had got my phone back and it was great. I realized there are good people in the world, not many, very few, not me, not anyone I know. But Melanie was like, yeah, that kid's stupid. He could have sold that phone. I'm like, yeah, that fucking moron should have taken my phone. I'm on this earth to be fucked over and robbed. So we're just driving back, phone in hand. But this is the evener for that.

This will make up for it. This Russian, she's going to get me. Unless somehow tomorrow she shows back up with the phone, in which case I don't know what to do. But that was the first time I lost my phone. I miss Melanie now. Melanie's now in Martha's Vineyard. She became good friends with the daughter of the guy. The role Quint in Jaws was inspired by a real guy.

And she became friends with that guy's daughter and like lives in a barn in Martha's Vineyard and like fixes Bill Murray's car. And like does a lot of work and nobody lives on Martha's Vineyard year round. She does. So she's able to fucking. I wonder I fucking would love to call her right now. I have her number. I know her number, but I don't. What, what time is it on the East Coast?

One in the morning. I could call her cell. Is there any way that it would come out clear? It's 142 in the morning right now. All right, let's not there. Maybe we'll call her another time. Yeah. She was fun, man.

I miss her, but that's what happens with friends. You know, I love that line. She goes, huh, I guess we're the dirt bugs. I said, yeah, yeah, we are. And then we just fucking drove home. But she was fun. And she was with me during that, that period. And that was the only time really one of the only times in life.

I was pleasantly surprised. Most times I am, I walk in thinking something and I go, yeah, it's, yeah, they'll probably kill Epstein. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, don't let them off and they kill them. And by the way, no conspiracy theories should ever have to answer any question again after that.

You know what I mean? Like nobody should ever, you should never even like, I for years have been like, elections don't matter. This, you know, or not that they don't matter, but there's a lot going on and they don't matter fully. Certain things matter, but there's more going on. It's more to the story. I've been ringing that bell for a decade, ringing the bell.

Ding, dong, ding. Every conversation, every time I sat down to dinner, anytime anyone asked my opinion, any fucking conversation from when I was smoking pot and when I was debating and in high school and college, every five, I've been ding in that bell. That's why you see these young kids and the far left and the far right, they're finally, they're waking up. It's their first awakening of how fucked up everything is.

And they're like, you know, a lot of them are being radicalized and they're going all these different directions because this is the first time they've realized, man, it's impossible to bury your head in the sand now with the amount of information you have. You just know that things are fucked up. You know it. You can research it.

You can, you know, the eyes are dotted, the T's are crossed, and they can feel, they feel it. They can sense it. They understand. They don't know what, like I would say all the time, I don't know what happened, but I don't think it's what you guys think. Maybe it ain't what I think, but it ain't what you think. That's been my life.

So like when people get really invested in anything now or conspiracy, it's not that I'm blackpilling. I'm not telling you not to believe in anything. I'm not telling you not to be active. I'm not telling you to not try to elect whoever you think is going to be better. I'm telling you that from my own personal experience, I've been ringing the bell in the town square for years, talking, you

know, just going, hey man, I don't think it's like that. I think it might be like this. Come here. Look at this. Read this. Watch this documentary. Here's a book. Here's another book.

Here's an article. And you get to a point where you go, well, okay, what else would you like from me at this point? You know, I've had the people on the show. I've conducted the interviews. I've recommended the books. I've told you that it's not that I don't care. It's that I don't care.

There's a difference. Not that I don't care. I don't care. It's not. I can't emotionally invest myself in this idea that there's going to be justice because every fact that I can look at, that I can unearth tells me to be incredibly skeptical of most of what you read and hear and see.

So listen, man, I shit on boomers with the self-awareness to know that we're not serving anything. We're not serving up anything better. Our generation ain't going to. We'll become them. They got a better deal than we did. But we can demand accountability. But what does that even mean?

What are you going to do? I'm asking. What are you really going to do? Nothing you do. If you do something violent, it will only make people more sympathetic to the idea that the state needs to come in and take away more of your rights. That's the only thing that'll happen if you do something violent. Okay.

If you work within the system, good for you, good on you, hopefully that one. I don't think people should ration insulin. I don't believe any of that. But understand the changes that will happen will matter and they'll be meaningful, but they'll still kill the pedophile king before he tells the truth. That is not going to change. I don't care what public demonstrate. No, you're not really going to move the meters in that regard.

It doesn't seem possible from where I sit, from what I'm looking at. Because the people on the other side will go to any links. You will not because what are you going to do? You got a family, you got kids, you got a job. They will go to any links and they have the resources and they will do whatever they want to do. You listen. It doesn't mean you shouldn't be active or informed or whatever, but I kind of take that

into my heart. When everyone's like, oh, you're black pilling people and it's nihilism. It's not interest. It's not nihilism. It's not, I don't, you tell me where your hope, you defend your hope. You defend that. Why am I defending what's a rational response to the facts of the day? You, the onus is on you.

The burden is on you. You tell me what signs you see. Don't give me some QAnon horse shit. Tell me realistically what's going to change. What do you tell me? Listen, I'm open. I just don't. And I see these young people, some of them are my family, all these people, they're getting

here. It's fucked up now. I can't believe and this is fucked up. Buddy, it has been, it's been a little fucked. It gets boring. It's boring after a while. There's more to life. I hate to say it.

There's more to life than figuring out every day how you're being fucked. Short answer. Every way they can. Every way that they can, they will. They don't care. Human life, no value. None. No value to them.

It means nothing to them. It means nothing. These are the people that brought the Nazi doctors over to experiment on children. Now you, oh, but it's a cold war and we had short, you went at fine. You, extenuating circumstances, not withstanding. Somebody had to stand in a room with a lab coat on and torture kids for the greater good. So those are the people that you're up against. Those, those crew, that crew.

And then they play golf on Sunday. They go to a country club and talk about their kids going to school. This is who you're up against. You're up against senators that, that commit horrible abuses to children and then go on face the nation and talk about taxes. They're like, well, the business climate, you need low time. And these people were doing coke 48 hours ago in a mansion in DC with child's horse running around. And I don't say that to demean the children. It's a bad scene.

It's a bad scene folks. It's no good. Live a meaningful life. Do what you want to do out there. You want Bernie and get him in. Maybe, maybe it'll be, I think Bernie would be good. I'd be a reset. I don't, I'm not a hater.

I'm open to a lot of what that guy says. I like him. Trump's not doing nothing in the realm of like, you know, you want to talk about with the Epstein's and the wars and the diets. They were ready to go to Iran. They're trying to go to Iran. They want to go to Iran now. And Trump, to his credit, is not going full on with that plan. Now, maybe if there's impeachment heats up, he'll be like bomb at all.

I don't know. I, you know, I barely have faith in my family and friends. If you have it in you to have faith in a political leader, God bless you, especially one running this country. Good. You're a better man or woman or non-binary. I don't want to say thing. You're a better entity than I am. If you can truly with a straight face.

I remember me and my friends used to laugh our asses off. We would get stoned and we would laugh. We would drive around our town and these idiots would put the gore and bush on the lawn. And everybody would, and 7-Eleven would have gore coffee cups and bush coffee cups and people would throw coffee at each other. And they were all, so it was a big deal. And maybe now if you look back and you go, well, you know, I was having this argument the other night. I had to like, well, if, if Bush hadn't won, we wouldn't, you know, if Gord won, we would not have gone into Iraq. We wouldn't have gone.

Maybe that is all true. But then I would remind you that Gore was the vice president for the rapist for eight years, who was on Epstein's plane a bunch. Whose wife never met a war she didn't like, who bombed an aspirin factory because Monica Lewinsky ran her mouth. So Gore, yes, probably would have been better than Bush. But let's not like live in a world where like Gore was this guy that was like going to open the, you know, change everything. I mean, let's get real. But it's just funny. I get in a lot of, I get a lot of debates with people where, and more so recently, where I think, you know,

I think the young people, their activism is good. I would be nice if it focused less on the shape of skulls or on the other side rehabilitating Joseph Stalin's legacy. Although I know that, I mean, I, you know, it'd be nice. It would be nice if those weren't the two options that the kids were now getting involved in. You have one side is like getting, getting a day like we need to restore the Holy Roman Empire. I'm like, well, well, what? The Catholic Church has done more to fuck kids than they can. Epstein and them couldn't even come near the church.

As the great Rick Kump said, you know, the church probably called the people were like, why don't we go back to handling it, please? Because your private contractors are not doing the job they need to be doing. This is a whole idea that if we just return to traditional religion and put more power in the hands of the church, what? And then on the other side, they're like, well, listen, Mao had some ideas and you're like, oh, is, oh, okay. Because it's like, and I get it because the reaction to something being so fucked is to run in another direction of radicalism and go, okay. Well, there's some unifying theory out there that if we just adhere to and we put into practice, everything would be okay. And then human nature would be totally, we could get rid of all of the things, the corruption, the greed, you know, we could get rid of all of that. And listen, maybe you stamp out some of it.

I don't, a kid like David Hogg, I don't hate, but then you look at what he's tweeting and you look at these general vague statements. Today he wrote your heart on Twitter is like, your hardest day is your most important day. So then I tweeted that and I'm like, so that means we keep the guns? Is that, well, because you're saying the hard days are the ones that matter? Well, I mean, well, my point there is not so much to shoot on him. It's to say these vague, meaningless platitudes you tweet all day don't mean anything. They're meaningless. You know, you retweeted something.

You said, I'm sick of living in the divided states of the mail. What are you? Are you running? Are you running for president? You're 19. That's as boomerous slogans I've ever heard. I'm sick of living in the divided states. Hey, David, what do you just say something real?

Stop having a PR team fire out your tweets. They're meaningless. Let's, how about let's not destroy the earth today. But what, what's the plan? Anyone can do that. Anyone can just tweet horse shit all day. But it takes a special person to find a phone and give it back. It takes a very special person.

I don't know any of those people. You know, I don't know a person that would find a phone and give it back. I wish everyone the best. I really do. Go and figure out your life. I don't know what to tell you. Get involved in the things that excite you. Get involved in the things that you think matter.

If you want to hunt down conspiracies, go do it. If you want to find out that all the monsters in the closet and under the bed are indeed real and worse than you thought, go do it. If you want to go find that darkness, it'll be there. I've gone down those roads and I found it. And other than getting the word out and having a little bit of a platform and talking about it, I don't truly know what else. Other than like, you know, I think a lot of people, when they feel powerless,

they can cock these QAnon crazy things to go, no, it's common. Because they're incapable of feeling despair. I don't feel despair because I am personally doing the best that I can. But I think there's a lot of people out there that realize how fucked up the world is and their response to that is concoct fairy tales and fables about that it's actually getting better. We just don't see it because there's great forces fighting an unseen war and battle. And Donald Trump's one of them and they're all fighting behind the scenes.

And when the grand plan is finally revealed, I mean, you know, if you can really do that, if you think that's what's going on, if you think that's what's going on, Trump was dancing with Epstein at a party. Do you think that he cares? Do you think Donald Trump was making waves for anybody involved in anything? It's all the same shit, dirty money. It's all the same shit, guys.

Yeah, maybe he, you know, hopefully he wasn't on the island. He wasn't, you know, but at the end of the day, it's like, he's not making waves for these people. So I don't know, man. I don't know. Maybe we need an alien thing and we start seeing each other as human beings again and we don't divide by race and creed and, you know, I don't know. Class as much, even though that's, you know, it's, you know, obviously it's unavoidable when there's people, you know, that can't get health insurance. I understand that, but maybe that is what makes humanity leap forward.

Maybe it's an outside threat. Maybe it's just the evolution of technology to a point where we are able to be more involved. But that means like the human characteristics that distract us and like maybe we become more highly evolved, efficient robots. And then those robots, maybe give a shit. I don't know. I think it's just going to be a bunch of fat robots. Just a bunch of fat bionic robots running around. I don't know.

I mean, you know, I was talking to a friend who lives in London and he was like, I was talking about going over there to do some shows and he was like, listen, everybody knows the reality of what's going on. Everybody knows that the royal family is full of shit. Prince Andrew, there's this article that he wanted. He was going to Epstein. Stavros had a great tweet from Calm Down. Prince Andrew was going to Epstein. His latest trip to Epstein was to end their friendship. Stavros said, my latest trip to Buffalo Wild Wings was to tell them I'm no longer eating wings.

Everybody knows what's up. There's really not like this whole idea that we just need to find out. You know, fat people know why they're fat. Most of them. You're not in the dark. Don't wake up one day a whale and go, what happened? I went to bed yesterday. I had a six pack.

You know. But it's what do you do with the knowledge? That's the real question. What can you really do with the knowledge? And I guess it's just to put it out there as much as you can in the hopes that, but I think the future of the country and I could be wrong is some type of, it's going to be, we'll dissolve. I feel like we'll break up into maybe there's like the Colin Quinn thing where he goes,

maybe we'll just break up into regions. I don't know. Maybe that will never happen. Maybe it'll be kind of like Great Britain where there's a, you know, people know that it's just past peak and the things, you know, it's all pomp and circumstance and all the royal family, the royal wedding, the royal baby, we'll have a gay president. We'll have a trans president.

You know, we'll just go down the line. We'll have a woman of color. It'll look, but, but it'll be a very, you know, ceremonial thing, you know, and we'll, I mean, or we'll just get into the big one with China. I don't know, but part of what I think attracted me to, whether you want, I don't want to call them conspiracies, but like to alternative history and things like that is that I was getting the real information.

I was saying, oh, this is really why things happen. So what I then can't do is use that as a basis to concoct theories and fables that make me feel better, which is what a lot of you seem to love doing because you need to do it. You're like, well, I like that. Well, no. Okay. Well, you just tell me the plan.

You share with me and it can't be some crazy batshit thing you read on a thread and you become one of these. You know, all the people I used to do drugs with, they all have Facebook profile pictures talking about QAnon. I mean, these are people that I used to just free base cocaine with and they wouldn't feed their children. And now they're all talking about QAnon. I mean, listen, what do I know?

Is there a guy leaking information? Everybody's leaking information over there. Everybody trying to leak their way out of jail probably. But even this was like, get insulin, get health insurance, fight that battle, start small. Let's get to a point where we can expect the government to not poison us with food and everything like that. But, you know, it is what it is, folks.

I, you know, I don't want people, you know, listen, I'm happy that young people are getting involved. And I hope that, I don't know. I mean, do you ever think about what this country looks like in 30 years? Yeah. What do you think it looks like? It's hot. It's so much hotter.

I mean, Alaska will be like beachfront property, probably. Right. Most people are probably in Montana. The Southwest is probably pretty unlivable. Places like Texas, pretty unlivable. You know, I just think about like the temperature. I just think about, like, have you seen First Reformed? That guy?

No, what is that? That movie with Ethan Hawke where he, he's a priest and he meets a guy who's all about climate breakdown and everything. And that guy, well, I don't want to spoil the movie for people. Who gives you shit? The guy ends up killing himself because he can't, he can't justify bringing a child into this world because he gets his girlfriend pregnant and he's all into like the ice caps melting and everything.

He kills himself. Ethan Hawke was a guy who was trying to help him out through all of his depression and stuff. And then he eventually goes crazy and he realizes that his church is backed by a mega church, which is backed by this oil company that's just destroying the earth. And he, he becomes basically like, he thinks he's going to be a terrorist and like bring this whole thing down. I won't reveal the ending, but it's a great movie.

It came out last year. Well, so I think of the country like that just as an unlivable place. I didn't know enough about climate to know what's going to happen. It's very possible that you can have a lot of the country is not looking great. Sea level rise, you know? It seems to be like the global economic collapse where you can't really predict what is going to happen. I like what Ray said.

He goes, yeah, you bring kids into the world. But then somebody goes, then what happens? And Ray goes, they burn is what it is. Nobody gave a shit about us. Apparently they gave a shit about us. I mean, I think I have to go to New York for a week. I don't know. I've been, I've been, I, I, I, I just got off the road with Bert and I might go to

New York deciding. I might not. I might just go for four days. See my mother and do some shows there. I need to be, I need to get a little New York juice. I need to walk around a little. I need to get on stage a bunch. I need to just get a little juice, not literal juice.

It's not kidding. Um, I need to just. I mean grub. I ought to grub up tonight. They just didn't come. The driver just stole the food again. It's the second time a grub hub driver has stolen food. Are people so desperate now for food that they're signing up with the grub hub accounts

or just steal dinner? I mean, is that what's going on? Probably. You get away with it. If you do it, I've done it. You can do it a million different times. Yeah. Yeah, it's fine.

Devin does it all the time. Yeah. Well, you just turn your phone off and go eat some of the food. You just turn your phone off, go home. Just eat the food. Yeah. Great. Where is Devin?

What's he doing? He's at Bev's, I guess. Yeah. I mean, the Uber driver today, the grub hub. I'm like, I just need, there's something great about New York that we remember when you went and just the bacon and eggs that guy made in that diner so quick. So quick. And then we went and got those sandwiches.

They were done before we ordered them. Yeah. There's something about being in an environment where like you have to be competent. It's required. It's sharp. Like you're sharp. And there's something about that. Then I mean, I'm in LA for the long haul.

I love it here. But I think I need a little dose. My living situation is very interesting without saying too much about it. It's odd. It's very odd. I don't know what's going on here. I'm living in a divorce. Literally.

I moved into like a separation and I don't know what's happening and it's on the communication is not good. And I, you know, and I've lived in a lot of wild situations, but I'm at the end of these and I'm the next place I'm going to live. I've just got to live alone and in a quiet non drama place. And a lot of these crazy people I surround myself with are funny and wild and they are great material and I'm getting too old. I'm funny enough.

Now I have enough of them. I can, you know, you start paying a price eventually for being around crazy people. Crazy people are funny. I mean, I was at dinner the other night with a bunch of people and they were like nice or couples. I'm so fucking boring. You know, cause they're good people like sweet, nice people. Those types of people need to have a few drinks to get a little loose.

You know, and then, you know, they're still boring, but they're like sweet and nice. And I was just like, Oh yeah. I mean, I've just spent my life around Huxters, thieves, liars, cheaters, carnival people, the circus, crazies, drunks, vagabonds, drunks, whores, derelicts, and I really wouldn't have it any other way. But at this point at 34 or 35, I don't even know how old I am anymore. 85, I don't even know. But I really don't know my age.

I'm 85. What am I? 34 or 35? You're 34, I think. You turned 35 in January. Who cares? The point is I do, but I've spent my life, you need to start thinking when you're 35. You start thinking, you're going, is this it?

Like, is this what it's going to be? Just loony tunes. And everyone in my business, I love them all. And by, you know me, I don't mean that at all. I could mean, I could mean nothing. I don't mean anything less than that. I've never met anything less than the statement I've just said. Nothing.

Nothing less. But everyone in my business is insane. I don't care if they're in Ferraris or anything. And you get to a point you go, I don't know. Maybe I just want to live one fucking day in the reality of that kid and his parents who found my phone and just tried all day to get it back to me. You know? It's just like, as you get older, you're like, oh, that's nice.

You know, you see all these people partying. I was just on the road with Bert. You see everyone part, like people just go out and party and get shitfaced. And that's it. They just want to get loose. They work Monday through Friday so that they can go out and get hammered, you know, get fucked up, fall asleep in an Uber, you know? I was in an Uber one day and the guy goes, yeah, I keep smelling salts in my thing

to wake people up so I can kick them out of the car as they pass out in the car. So everybody gets out and gets so fucked up. That's what it is for a lot of people. They just want to get people's brains and made out of Play-Doh. And then we have to expect that they're all going to say it, you know? I mean... But I think about that sometimes. I'm like, God, what a fucking...

I got to start really looking at people that I know are saying, I will make friends with people knowing full well that they're... Oh, that's a psychopath. That's a psychopathic personality. Clinical. You go, oh, that's clinical, psychopathic personality. It's a diagnosis you could make. And I'll become friends with a person like that.

And then, you know, a year down the road, I'll be like, oh, they're nuts. You know, like knowing full well... Knowing full well that these are people that I get new arrangements with, knowing full well that... Because they're fun. They're just fun. And, you know, you start to realize that fun has a real price. Fun has a real...

There's a real price tag on fun. Fun is expensive. Fun is very expensive. I've had a lot of fun. I have very few meaningful relationships with people, but I've had a lot of fun. And I do have some meaningful relationships with people, but I look around and a lot of the people I'm around and I'm like,

God, these people are so... They don't even... They can't even control how crazy they are anymore. They're just... They're just on a ride that they've lost control of. And they're just doing their best to still kind of like, you know, make a fun face for the picture when we all go down the roller coaster. But, you know...

And, you know, so I think at this point I'm going to transition to a woman. I thought about it. I mean, you know... I mean, people seem happy. They seem happy if you fully embrace insanity. You know, if you're like 350 pounds, 400 pounds, and you just say, that's me. That's me.

My dick doesn't work. I can barely move. The only thing I enjoy is drinking paint thinner. You know, I just want to walk around this casino. And what would money do? And look at all these people at casinos. I'm like, what would money even do for you? You can't move.

What would money do? I guess it would be nicer. You'd just sit in a mansion and eat tater tots. Because that's what they serve as a side in 30, 40 percent of the restaurants in America's tater tots. You know? You look at people, you go, what do you hope? Well, you just become one of those old fat racists on Long Island.

So old guys who sit at a bar, who's been just handed everything their whole life, but they still find fault. They still find like they've been denied. They've had the easiest lives of anyone. They've been given houses and cars, no show union jobs, or corporate jobs. They show up.

Then they go to some steakhouse every night. They just get hammered, eat steak. They just get fatter and fatter. The dicks shrink up and go inside their bodies. They can't barely fuck their wives anymore. And their hero is Donald Trump. They love Donald Trump. Because he's calling it, because it's these Mexicans,

and he's giving it to them. It's like you can barely move from one room to the next. You're completely, your body is being eaten by cancers, and they still, they just, you know, somehow they do it. Somehow they do it. We'll wrap this up, folks. I don't know what episode this is going to be. I don't know if it'll be the Patreon.

I don't know if it'll be the regular episode. I don't know where it's going to go. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know when the book of revelations is going to come true. I would like you to buy tickets to my live shows, timdilloncomedy.com. My little Jewish nerd that built the site, we don't even, it's not even a mobile site.

I'm going to fucking break his head. It doesn't work on mobile. It like doesn't show up the right way. The dates are cut off, you know. Again, I could have spent money to do this. I had free labor. Now I'm going to fucking scream at this kid. You know, I should have spent the money.

We got to start to emerge. Yeah. Life in the big city shirts. Because that's what it is. That's really what it is. Everything we've talked about. Life in the big city. I mean, listen.

If Dennis was alive today, he would look at the Epstein accusers and they would say, we've been denied justice again. Dennis would take a swig, a cheap wine, out of a Burger King cup. He'd light a marble red and he'd go, honey, life in the big city.

Because that's what it is. This is life in the big city. This is what it is. I mean, you know, I hope you find everything out there. If you're listening to this, I hope all of your dreams come true, except some of you,

because I know what those dreams are. And then it kill me or kill someone or detonate a suitcase nuke. In that case, I would rather those dreams not come true. If your dream is peace, happiness, health, maybe a little lake, then that's fine.

Is this cat, this other fat cat? It's not around. Cats, I mean, animals are just, I've just soured on animals. I don't want to see animals, dogs and cats. I just don't want them at homes anymore. You know, I just, I really don't want,

I don't want anything to do with them. I like them, but I want them away from me. They're filthy. They're just filthy, you know? So, there you go. That's for the pita people at the end. The animal rights people. I think they do it right in China.

They eat dogs. They eat people. And that's why they're number one. I should do a tour in China. Should move to China. What if I show up to China? You know, Chinese people are now getting nice and fat. You got to look at Malaysia.

They put fish heads on the, it's like, they're the most creative people. Cause they're like, well, we want you to get fat, but we know you need to eat some of our food too. So we're going to put like seaweed wrapped fish heads in the stuffed crust pizza. Just so you guys can feel comfortable getting it down. And that kind of, that kind of ingenuity is what I respect.

I need to start marketing like that. It's day one without a phone. What are we going to do? How am I going to, what am I going to do tomorrow? I'll just show up at Sprint and just try to show up. I guess bring your computer. I don't know. You can't do insurance.

Dude, it took me like four days through insurance to get the phone through the mail. It's crazy. Stupid. I can't do that. I need to get a phone. Will you send me a phone people? You mail me your fucking phones.

You lazy pieces of shit. What if we got a thousand phones? No, don't do that. All right, folks. Till, till, till next time. The future is so bright. You got to wear shades. This is an addendum.

This is an addendum to the episode. This is an addendum. Say it with me now. This is an addendum. Shut up. I mean them. Not you. Not you.

I want the people in the cars to sing. And the people listening in their homes. Not you. You don't speak or you don't sing. Folks, here's the addendum. I woke up this morning and I said what I really wanted to say about politics. Is that the way people vote is usually the most predictable

and the least interesting thing about them. Politics is base level. It's ugly. It's primordial. It's from our reptile brains. It really is. If you're an evolved human being. And many of you listening are like, I'm not.

And I get that. But if you're an evolved human being, it's impossible to not get bored with this. And that's kind of what I mean. I'm interested in a lot of things. I'm interested in people that transform themselves. That went through something and came out the other side. Better, stronger, more capable.

I'm interested in people that have built businesses. I'm interested in great art. I'm interested in food. I'm interested in a million different things. But the retail brand of American politics is just vulgar. It really, and I'm not saying it doesn't have its place and it's not important. But to fixate endlessly on the horse race between Democrats

and Republicans and to spend your entire life doing that is wasting your brain. Why do you think people love Rogan's show? They love it for a million reasons. One of the reasons is that he has varied interests. And the show caters to that. He's genuinely curious. That's why every show that's simply about politics has some

kind of cap. You hit a wall. That's why I cared about politics as a kid and as a young adult, as a young man, and I still to an extent care about it, and I care about the implications of it. But when you watch it for any period of time, you start to notice patterns emerge. You start to notice the nature of it feels cyclical.

It has seasons. It's like a television show. It has a cast. They bring on new cast members. Some cast members leave. Some never leave. It becomes predictable to an extent. That's why Donald Trump was so exciting to people because he

came in and it was unpredictable and it felt wild. And it felt like because he was saying things that you would never heard a politician say before and he was saying them in a way that you would never heard anybody speak that was running for president. But when you look at why people vote for whoever they vote for when you travel around the country, I think the people that truly believe in the political system,

and this is nothing wrong with it. They believe in people. They believe in people. And now that's good. But that's where we are going to diverge. That's where our opinions, we're going to have a divergence of opinion. I believe that most people, bless their hearts,

are pretty simple and they want to be herded. They want to be treated like cattle. This is what they want. It doesn't mean that I'm better than other people. I am, but it doesn't mean that. It means that real, like when you look at the system and you look at the people that are able to maneuver in this system, they're very good at presenting a side of themselves to people.

And what I've always been interested in is what are those people like behind closed doors? What do they really like, whether they're in Hollywood or whether they're in Washington, or who are they really? And how do they really get to where they got? And what do they really believe? Do they believe in anything? Or are they just kind of like a liquid that takes the shape

of their container? Some of them do believe in things. Some of them are ideologues. Some of them aren't. Some of them are sociopaths. Some of them wouldn't know. Some of them have never met themselves. Those are some of the most successful people I know.

They've never even met themselves. So, but politics, I mean, the great line from succession, he goes, politics, that's what comes out the asshole. How wrong is that? How wrong literally is? Think of all the beautiful things in the world. Love, calamari. All of the things that are worth more than politics.

It's the obsession with the right and wrong. I'm right, you're wrong. I'm on this team. You're on that. I'm going to beat you. It's a boring being evolved human being. And I don't, I mean, so that's where I'm at. It's ugly.

It's base level. Most of it. It's the expression of like the darkness in us. It's completely run by fear, or most of it. And there are rare glimpses of humanity and beauty, but go look at anything else. And it's much easier to glean a little hope for mankind than it is just simply looking at, you know,

what Elizabeth Warren said. Good for her. Not hating on her. I'm just picking her. She just floated into my mind. But that's what I meant to say. It's not taking away anything from anybody that's an activist or anybody that's traded in a lucrative profession

to genuinely help people. I don't know any of those people. And I know a few of them. I actually do know a few of them who walked away from lucrative professions to actually help people. Okay? That's none of the people you see on Twitter. None of them.

It's none of the blue check marks. It's none of the people that are highlighted by our media. It's none of the people. It is predominantly people that toil in the shadows, people that you will fucking never know about. Maybe there'll be a documentary about them, and there probably won't be. Okay?

So those people are fascinating and interesting to me, but it's really what you think it is. That's the thing about politics. It's actually exactly what you think it is. It's not the real story, not the inner workings of it, but why people voted for Donald Trump and why they voted for Hillary Clinton. You could pretty much cut that cake pretty easily

with a butter knife. It just falls right apart. You get it. You can see why. I want my guns. Okay, good. No one should have a gun. It's like, all right, that's where we're at.

You know? No abortions. Everyone has an abortion. Okay, that's where we're at. It doesn't hold my interest. And if it holds your interest, good for you. It did hold my interest when I was 19 and smoking pot every day, and it was kind of funny.

And me and my buddies were watching the Bush carry election and we're watching cable news and it was kind of cartoonish. We were watching Chris Matthews and it was a great show called MSNBC late night. They'd have like Ron Reagan's son who was effeminately gay, but as a wife and he's like, my father, stop it. And they would have like people like Steve Earl, the folk singer and Katrina Vanden Heuvel,

who ran the nation and then Pat Buchanan. And he'd just be like, the whore, the whore, white, white man, the whore. And they would all sit together in Central Park and then Bill O'Reilly on the other channel would yell and scream and talk about traditionalism. And at a certain point you realized that everybody's collecting a check. That's kind of all that's happening.

You know, that's what it is. So that's my addendum. Seek beauty, seek truth. Join the Patreon. Come see my live shows by the merch that we're having ready. Seek beauty and truth. Stop spending time in the American politic. It's vulgar.

It's gross. Have some self-respect. You're on the planet for a certain amount of years. How much are you going to waste it staring at Rachel Maddow? You're wasting your life. They don't give a fuck. They don't. Your friends, your family, they don't care about you.

So can you imagine that political figures do? Your best friends and your family barely care. They barely care. They barely care about you. And you think that fucking Beto O'Rourke does? I'm going to take your guns. I'm Beto. Beto O'Rourke?

What the fuck is that? What kind of name is that? His real name is something else. His father named him Beto, so he'd have a chance to be a politician. Because Beto sounds Mexican. And then O'Rourke, it sounds like a dumb Mexican restaurant. Like that's also an Irish pub. Like that kid that was on The Tonight Show when he said,

whatever, that's what it sounds like. I don't know what happened to that guy. Is he dead? Where is that guy? Anyway, some people move to LA and they fall in the Pacific. He might not be dead. What do I know? That's the addendum, folks. That's where it's at. That's where I'm at.

I have aunts, uncles. They're like, you know, one of my aunts was like, I like this Beto. You shut up. Call your son. I like Beto. I mean, at what point do you fucking get real and realize that it's a fucking, it's a circus? I like the Beto.

He says a lot of things. I just think he'd be a nice change of Beto or O'Rourke. Get a hobby. Go paint seashells. I don't give a fuck what you do. If you're not collecting a check from this shit and you're not fighting for something you truly believe in, stop passively following this like it's sports or like it's a reality show.

You know how many times I sit down with people and they're like, they're all incensed and they're all ready to go and they don't have a goddamn fact and they're just ready to start. And they're angry about nine other things in their life that they won't tell you what they're about. So they just channel it into some political diatribe that makes no sense to anyone at the table.

They start yelling and screaming. You know, somebody the other day was going off about when they pulled out of the Paris Accord, the climate agreement. I'm like, do you even know what it is? I can't believe we pulled out of the Paris Accord. Do you know what it is? I'm not saying it's good or bad that we pulled out.

Do you know what it is or did you hear someone and now you're repeating it because you're really angry about God only knows what? So that's my point. You know, it is what it is. It's been interesting to see as a guy that's always looked at the inner workings. We should have had more food.

There wasn't like not a lot of food that gave us that restaurant. But as somebody that kind of looks at like the conspiracy side, it's been a while, a couple of years. It's been a while, a couple of years. But I mean, it's like Epstein getting capped. That's like almost my series finale. That's like the end. I'll still talk about shit.

I'll still do episodes about shit. I'll still bring people on interview them. But the way it all just fucking went like the way it went, you go, all right. Hey, I'm a passenger on the ship. I'm a passenger on the ship. I'm watching a movie and they decided to kill off one of the main characters in the movie.

Well, okay. Guess we'll watch another channel. Let's watch Doja Cat. That's my chick, bottom bitch. That's my hoe. That's what I'm doing. I'm bopping around the corner and that's my hoe. She's my blow, blow, blow, blow, blow.

And I suggest you do the same. I suggest you do the same. That's my bitch, blah, blah, blah. Beto O'Rourke. I mean, like he's fucking women, middle-aged women getting wet because of that Beto O'Rourke. He was a failure. He's out.

He's failed. He's up there talking, saying, you know, talking in Spanish, trying to be, you know. That's how dumb they think you are. Turn it off. He's standing up there. Well, me gusta. Turn it off.

They think you're a fool. They have no respect for you as a thinking organism. They have none. And you are treating them. You're giving them the power and the respect. You're sitting on your fat ass and watching them talk. Turn it off. New show.

That's my chick, my bottom bitch. New show. Post Malone now. Jake and Logan. Turn it off. They don't treat you with respect. They don't care. Epstein's dead.

Epstein's dead in the wet. They don't care. But you care. You're sitting there like you're having a good faith. You're being dealt with in good faith. It's like people going into Enron, knowing what they knew. Two months after imploded, going, being like, what's the deal with these pipeline?

I don't think you're being honest here. We know that. What will it take for you people to turn the channel, focus on whatever you need to focus on, that these people are not, I don't know what else to tell you. Joe Biden is senile. Bernie makes some sense.

He's 90. Is there anyone that isn't 90 that makes sense? He's a good dude. I like him. I'd like him to win, probably. It'd be a good idea, probably. What do you think would happen? How long he'd last, what, a month for fucking that guy?

They found a way to get to him? Or he'd spend 10 years. He'd spent eight years there. He'd lived until 106. And he'd get a free community college for everyone. It's not, the country, it's not, there isn't, you go all over the country and you realize pretty quick, people don't want it to work.

They don't want it to work. They just want to beat other people. They don't want anything to actually change and get better. Some of them do, but the vast majority of them don't. They're selfish, simple cretins. Not the ones that go to my shows, not those people, and not the ones that listen to my podcast, but the others. They don't care.

It doesn't mean anything to them. They just want to sit on their fat ass and eat Pringles while Elizabeth Warren tells them how she's going to take it to Trump. Or they want to sit there and watch Donald Trump tell them that he's draining the swamp. What does that even mean? What swamp is he, who still believes that? He's going to drain the swamp.

What? What are you talking about? I have more respect for like the human traffickers, the coyotes that are bringing people over here. They have more of an understanding of what's going on than anyone that works at the New York Times or CBS. The coyotes that bring over the people have more of an understanding of the facts on the ground than anybody that went to Yale.

So literal retards have a better take on what's going on now than people that went to Harvard's Kennedy School of Government. Literal retards. Change the channel. Embrace what it is. This is where you're living now. This is where you're living. You're not living on the come up.

You're living as it starts to slip away. It's slipping away. People are too fat to fit in their car. The economy that we have left is based on gambling. Okay? I don't know what else to tell you. There are people without health insurance in this country that have no health insurance and they think it's great.

They think it's fine because Trump's draining the swamp and he's going to put Obama in Gitmo. Because a guy on Reddit said so in a poem, those are your fellow citizens. Those are your fellow citizens. Just to put in perspective, let's say you worked in a company and you were on a team and you had to accomplish your goal and a few of the people on your team,

instead of coming to work early and getting ready and preparing themselves and reading all the emails, instead of doing that, they were standing in the parking lot eating their own shit. And you had to go up to them and go, hey, I know that you guys are eating your own shit. Number one, that's bad for you. Number two, we really got to put our heads together

and do this. We got to get this done. We got to hit our numbers. So could you go home and shower? And they just kept eating their own shit and they were covered in their own shit and you went, you know, I don't know how this team's going to work. I just can't seem to reach them

because they're eating their own shit in the parking lot. And then you go up and you tell your manager and he goes, where's Bill? Bill's in the parking lot eating his own shit again. Well, will you go down there and explain to Bill how important this is? Bill doesn't care. See, Bill doesn't care.

And you can't fire Bill because they're not paying Bill. You see? So that's my addendum to the episode. Change the fucking channel. Think about other things. I don't know what they are. I can't tell you what they are. Talk to people.

People don't have any interest. You're fellow citizens. Don't really have an interest. And it's not only these animals that we all talk about, these fat people. And I'm not shooting on fat. I'm fat. I'm talking about, like,

it's especially the people that live in nice homes with nice clothes and shiny cars and kids that go to good schools. They don't have, they have zero interest in fixing a thing. Zero. And then the people that are totally fucked, they don't know how.

And no one can really teach them how. And the people that try to teach them how either get co-opted or they get murdered. So, you know, that's my chick, my bottom bitch. She's my hoe. Start calling yourself a hoe. If anyone brings up politics to you,

the next time go, I'm a hoe. I'm a hoe. Start dressing like a hype beast. Wear supreme shirts and walk around in nice sneakers and dance. Dance around. As soon as someone brings up politics, I don't care if you're 45,

15-year-old. My Siri just went, I'm on it. Good Siri. Dress like a 15-year-old. Somebody starts bringing up politics just to go, show them dojo. Go, have you seen this? Moo.

And they just start saying it. They didn't go, bitch, I'm a cow. Bitch, I'm a cow. I'm not a cat. I don't say meow. And when they go, you're insane. Go, no, you're insane. You're insane.

Talking about Beto O'Rourke. TimDillonComedy.com for all the live dates. See you later.