The Tim Dillon Show - 209: 209 - Don't Curse Me
Episode Date: July 19, 2020Tim talks this week about comedy legend Chrissy Teigen, the new show about lovely ladies he's obsessed with, Twitter accusations against him, and why no institution truly cares about you or your right...s. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: WALLETS - http://www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. UNDERWEAR - https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ and order with PROMO CODE Tim to ge Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
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I'm Attorney General Ashley Moody with a warning about contact tracing scans.
Health officials in Florida are calling people who may have been in contact with someone
who tested positive for COVID-19.
It's extremely important that they make contact with potentially infected individuals to help
slow the spread of this deadly disease, making contact tracing vital to ending this pandemic.
Sadly, scammers are mimicking these calls in an attempt to steal personal information.
If you receive a call from someone who claims to be a contact tracer,
take steps to confirm that the call is in fact from your local health department.
Know that a legitimate contact tracer will never ask for your birth date.
They already have this information and will simply ask for confirmation.
That's comforting.
Contact tracers will never ask for your social security number or banking information.
They have that too.
They also will never reveal the identity of the COVID-19 positive person you may have had contact
with. So what the fuck's the point?
Finally, if a call seems suspicious, hang up.
Get her out of here!
Get her out of here!
This is again an attack on entrepreneurs.
People reaching out to other people to do business, to drive the economy.
It's about commerce, and if people want to call people and present and say,
hey, you might have been in contact with somebody who had COVID-19, get a test,
and then use it as a way to present them with a business opportunity.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
And shame on the attorney general of Florida.
Shame on her!
Shame on her for that anti-business attitude.
Shame on her!
How dare she?
We all don't get checks from the government.
We all don't get checks from Uncle Sam.
Some of us need to go out in the streets and earn a living, bring home the bacon,
rustle up a little cabbage!
And what is she doing?
She's discouraging men like myself.
I gotta list the names of Florida.
I'm just gonna call all of them and let them know they might have been in touch with somebody
who has COVID-19.
The fact that scammers are using the contact tracing to try to scam people is just,
it's, I know it's sad, but it is so funny that it's happening.
Like, it's so funny to me that they're, because I mean, we would have done that.
We would have been like, hey, how are you?
Hey, is this Ms. Miller?
Yes.
Listen, it's never an easy call to make, but we just want to let you know that you may have
been in contact with somebody who has tested positive for COVID-19.
We have it on some good information that you have exposed yourself and your family to this
potentially devastating disease.
Have you taken a COVID-19 test?
Well, good news is we can show up at the property with a COVID-19 test.
You and the entire family for seven easy payments of $69.99.
Also, what rate are you paying on the mortgage?
Mortgage rates have dropped precipitously due to the economic climate.
Is there a way that we can help you streamline some of your debt
and refinance that property in Florida while we're testing your family for COVID-19?
I think that's the smartest thing to do.
Am I wrong here, Mrs. Miller?
I don't think I am.
And then we would just show up.
We'd show up, you know, drug the family, make her sign all these papers, and then light them on fire.
And if that is not America, then I don't want to live here anymore.
I don't want to live in a country where I cannot.
First of all, if you're answering a contact tracing call, I don't know, maybe stop.
Do you really feel better if it's the government going, hello?
Oh, it's the government.
Oh, were you your sister's house last Wednesday?
Because there was a party and three people have COVID.
And what contact tracing is too late?
It's too late.
I mean, you have it, or you don't.
I guess, yep.
Just wear the fucking mask.
All of this is to avoid the dumb mask, and the mask is only because you people want to leave your homes.
So be very easy.
Don't leave.
Don't wear the mask.
Don't go anywhere.
Unless you have to go to work, and then you have to wear the mask because you're at work.
But it's this idea that you're like, oh, I want to go out.
I don't want to wear the mask.
Then we have all of these other things now where it's like, well, now we have contact tracing.
And you know, they're going to use that as they already have for protesters and everybody else.
And you didn't pay your taxes last year.
You said the word.
You said an inappropriate word on Facebook.
Now it's contact tracing.
And wait, wait till that starts.
Wait till social justice contact tracing starts.
They start calling people up.
Hi, you like to tweet on less Thursday?
Is this Sharon?
Is this Sharon?
Did you tweet last Thursday?
Hey, Dr. Fauci, we know what you did with AIDS, and you're not going to do it again.
We're just trying to trace all the different people you've been in contact with,
the different people that might hold those opinions.
It's bad.
I'm not answering a call from the government.
I don't want anybody calling me.
I don't want my friends and family calling me.
Certainly.
I'm thinking about moving.
And it's just such a great boomer attitude.
I was thinking about moving.
And my father goes, it's closer to where he, I mean, he's in New York.
I wouldn't be in California anymore.
And my father's whole thing, of course, the perfect boomer response
to me thinking about starting my new life.
He goes, well, yeah, it would be easier for me to visit you
because I wouldn't have to fly all the way to California.
So again, thank you.
Thank you.
Just a great way.
They will always make it about themselves as much as possible.
You got to respect it.
You almost have to respect it truly, you know, and it would be easier to respect
if that type of attitude didn't destroy civilization as it rapidly crumbles.
Rapidly crumbling, DHS agents going around Portland, snatching people up.
If you've seen this a little disturbing, but I mean, Portland's crazy.
There's a lot of loonies running around there, but still uncomfortable
with people getting thrown into vans by the government.
But again, we knew this was going to happen.
Everybody, I mean, again, the most predictable thing ever.
They had barely made it up half a block when an unmarked minivan
pulled up in front of them.
I see guys in camo, four or five of them pop up, open the door,
and it was just like, oh, shit, I don't know who you are or what you want with us.
Federal law enforcement officers have been using unmarked vehicles to drive around
downtown Portland and detain protesters since last Tuesday.
Personal accounts and multiple videos posted online show the officers driving up to people,
detaining individuals with no explanation about why they are being arrested and driving off.
I mean, this is, this was started after 9-11, this type of thing.
We do not have to give you a reason as to why you are being detained.
We can hold you indefinitely.
This is exactly what, you know, people were afraid of.
And of course, a lot of people are probably saying that these people are domestic terrorists
and they were planning on committing acts of domestic terrorism.
I don't know if that's true.
It's certainly not impossible.
The people in Portland are out of their fucking minds, some of them.
So absolutely, it's possible.
But again, it's like, we got to just take the government's word for it
and we got to just show up in a van and throw people in a van.
It just doesn't seem, this seems like, you know, it heads to a bad place.
Is it just me?
Is it just me or the camo guys throwing people in a van and driving off
heads to a bad place?
But what did I tell you in the beginning of this thing?
I said the riots and the looting.
What are they going to be used for?
They're going to be used as a way for the government to take whatever few remaining
rights you have.
This is not new.
This shouldn't be surprising.
That's why I was like, protests are great.
Nonviolent protests are great.
The minute you use violence, the state turns around and will use violence as well.
And so the logical thing there is, if you think violence is going to work,
you have to believe that you're going to beat the state.
That you're going to actually drive the state, I mean, out of Portland.
I mean, how long did Chas last?
Two weeks.
They've got one by city hall right now.
Everybody's just hanging out doing drugs, discussing what the new government will be
like after the city falls.
It doesn't work.
It doesn't work because the government's got the money and the power and the weaponry
and machinery of death.
They have the, I mean, we have a population, but it's also like there's no loyalty that
anybody in this country has to anybody else.
We're not a group of people that agree on anything.
We're not, we're not going to be able to fashion a government.
I mean, this is child style.
I mean, this is like a crazy idea.
The idea that we're going to like topple the government and then we're going to like,
people are going to sit around a room and then decide what the new government's going to look
like after we've burned the White House down.
I mean, and I see people that should be more intelligent than this, egging this on,
pouring gasoline on this.
And I keep wondering and asking them like, well, what is the plan here?
What is the plan?
We abolish the police that enrich communities, private cops, X Mossad, X CIA, fun folks,
less accountability than the cops have now.
And in the poor communities, who will fill that power vacuum?
The mafia, gangs, criminal enterprises, because businesses, people are going to want
safety and security and somehow they're going to get it.
And the only way they'll get it is by pledging loyalty to some type of criminal enterprise.
This is what happens when the police are gone and then the state no longer has a monopoly
on violence and that everybody's using violence in his vigilante way as they see fit everybody else.
This is the anarchy that we fetishize on Twitter all the time.
The same people that fetishize this type of anarchy get very scared when someone misgender
someone. They think that's violence. Wait till they find out what actual violence is.
The same people that get scared that somebody doesn't use the right pronouns in a magazine
or somebody has an argument that disagrees with them, feel perfectly comfortable with people
marching through the streets, burning down buildings.
Thinking this is all going to go to some, I mean,
it's fucking wild that these are adults. This is fucking nuts that we're having these conversations
with I get drug addict, failed stand up comedians who live on floors.
But I'm looking at actual adults, celebrities, people with money, thinking that somehow these
mass violent insurrections in these cities lead to anything good.
Is everyone nuts? This is like that thing when viral on Facebook that guy Tom Fullery,
we talked about it on the Patreon, he did that. He did that. He did that thing when the quarantine
first started. The like, you know, the bread making on Instagram was happening. Everybody
was baking bread and everybody was talking about how the earth was healing and we were going to
emerge stronger than before. How did that? How did that work out? Are we stronger than before?
And then this guy, it went viral. It's like Tom Fullery, I don't even know who he is,
he's this British guy. Can we play that on the show?
No, we did it on the Patreon though.
We did it on the Patreon, we can't play it, but basically it was like a rhyme where he's
reading a book to his son or a kid and he's like, we built cities with buildings very tall,
but we weren't listening to each other at all. And then he would do this whole thing about how
like, you know, and then, you know, people got sick and we started listening, we started dancing,
we started baking and it was like, and it was just like this fucking crazy Pollyanna-ish view
of like what would happen when you told the country they couldn't go to work tomorrow.
They're like, everybody will start dancing in the street. And yeah, that works for a week.
And then all of a sudden, it starts to get pretty dark pretty quick. But I mean,
I just don't understand if somebody can explain to me, if somebody intelligent can explain to me
how they think this all works. Great. I'm open to listen. I'm open to listening. Okay. I'm open to it.
I think Chrissy Teigen should lean in to being accountable
at this point because she's probably not, but all of Twitter, a lot of Twitter thinks she is.
So just lean into it and have John Legend get out and be like, we're just ordinary cannibals
and sit on the fucking piano while he does it. Who cares?
Chrissy Teigen is just a hot chick. Listen, QAnon people, all I try to do is help you people.
I really do. Many of you are schizophrenic. Many of you are schizophrenic. Many of you
have a few of the right ideas and a lot of the wrong ones. And that's a potent combination.
And it's quite bad. It's quite bad to have some of the right ideas and some of the wrong ones
and just go confidently with that. Not good. So Chrissy Teigen, I don't even know who that she's
like a model who married John Legend. She's on social media all the time and she's a hot chick
who just, the biggest problems in life. Listen to me now. You see how I did that with my voice?
That means I'm going into a philosopher mode. The biggest problems in life are people that
can't be who they are. Rich people that can't just be rich and try to be like clowns. You look at them
with pity and you look on in horror. I've seen rich people on stage like trying to do it and
cause nothing sadder than watching a rich person fail at trying to be a clown. There's nothing
worse than a hot chick trying to be funny and relevant and interesting if you don't have to be.
She's a hot chick who's addicted to herself. All she does is post fucking every, she deleted
60,000 tweets. I mean, the woman's tweeted like so many fucking times, it'll just be like,
I can be, I'm eating a taco. She can't handle people not looking at her for five minutes.
She doesn't have time to be a satanic pedophile. She's on Twitter all day. So here's the thing.
She tweeted things about that show toddlers and tiars and some of them are weird and some of them
are creepy. She tweeted some things about pizza or whatever. Nobody knew before Pizza Gate,
people just liked pizza. They didn't know. I don't like Chrissy Teigen. I don't think she's
funny. I think she's annoying. I don't like that she judged a comedy competition on NBC.
There's nothing funny about her and I don't know why the hell I'm going to jail over pizza. I mean,
what was that? 2013? I mean, she, well, that didn't age well. Didn't age well. Didn't age well, but
she didn't know or she did. I don't know. I don't know her. Okay. I don't like, I'm not like hanging
out with her and John Legend, but I don't think they're eating children. I don't think her and
John Legend, if she was a cannibal, it would be the most interesting thing about her. How much
more interesting would this bitch be if she was eating children, which I'm against. But again,
just on the fucking, what makes people interesting, if somebody said, you know that hot bitch,
Chrissy Teigen, who's for some reason hosting a comedy show on NBC, judging and telling people
who's funny and who's not funny. Well, and she has a cookware line and I'm like, yes, and they
would go, she's also a fucking cannibal. And I'm like, really? Really? But I don't think she is.
She's just trying to be funny. And when people that don't have any perspective try to be funny,
they just say things that are outlandish. She's just a hot girl trying to get attention. Okay.
So when she's talking about eating human flesh, I would love to taste with a human.
It's just when hot chicks talk, guys just laugh at whatever they say. Anyone Chrissy Teigen
her entire life. When she said something like, I just want to eat people, guys. Yeah, you're cool.
Yeah, people, you're fucking wild. If I said I want to eat people, someone goes and calls the police.
So there's a difference between me and Chrissy Teigen and how people respond to what we say.
She's never had to be accountable for any word that's ever come out of her mouth.
She just hasn't because she's gotten that hot chick. We're just ordinary cannibals.
What a great song though. Why not do that? He's just playing in the piano. We're just ordinary
cannibals. We just want to eat our fill. Just maybe lean into it. I don't know. I don't know.
I don't think she's eating chill. Why do we, why do the kids have, why is sexual abuse not enough
for the QAnon people? Why is it not enough that the kids are being sexually abused?
That is heinous, horrific, should be like punishable by death. Why is that not enough?
Why do they have to be eating the children? I don't understand why this has to be a
Hansel and Gretel fairy tale for anyone to care about this. Is what Epstein and just Lane doing
was that somehow better because they weren't barbecuing the girls after? I don't understand.
Do you have to bring out a human size rotisserie for people to care about children? It's very
strange, very strange to me. This obsession with the celebrities being cannibals. I think if you
just have a very shitty life or you're bored and your life's actually pretty good but you're bored
you just start thinking that everybody who's achieved any level of success eats people.
I don't know what breaks in your mind. I don't know what happens. Is Chrissy Teigen in the
Illuminati? How embarrassing is it if this bitch is the thing that you all think? Like,
can you imagine, doesn't that bother some of you that it's this woman, a woman who gets in
cookware feuds with other, with the food bloggers? But I think she should probably get off Twitter
or take a little break. Chrissy, you're not built for it. Relax. She's big on Twitter. I
sub-tweeted her once. It said something and people are like, whoa, don't fuck around with Chrissy.
They said, she'll get you thrown right off Twitter. And I said, why? I said, I'm just an ordinary cannibal.
I feel bad for people that are suffering from mental illness. I want to say that. And I think
there's a lot of people in this country all over the place that this quarantine has exacerbated
mental illness, including many of my friends and family members and a lot of people of my
colleagues seem to seem to be slipping and losing their mind. Okay. Very sad. R.I.P. to
Brian Callen, Brendan Shaw, but both died this morning of coronavirus. Very sad. They fought
till the end. They fought till the end. And I respect that. I respect that.
I just want to scream about ordinary. I started watching this show. Devon and Ida came over.
We did the Patreon and I started watching this show. My big, fat American gypsy wedding. I've
become fascinated with gypsies. And I think everyone should get a hobby during quarantine.
I really do. I think you should get a hobby. Do something better yourself. I've chosen gypsies.
You can choose losing weight, writing a novel. I have chosen the Romani people. That is what I
want to and listen to any of them listening. Don't curse me. Stop right there. Cause I am
afraid of that. I'm going to talk about this very respectfully. I don't want any of the curses.
I don't think they run anything else. So I don't really have to worry about them denying me, you
know, a spot on tournament of last two, but you know, no, if the curses are legit, none of that,
I don't want any of it. They're obviously the gypsies. They've been travelers forever. A lot
of people think they're thieves. I don't, I don't, I don't know about that. Who am I to?
You make a little business here. It doesn't work out. You get in the caravan and go to the next
town. What am I? Hey, what? I don't have anything to say about that. But they love like gaudy over the
top dresses and bling and, and, and, and they have these weddings that are wild and these women show
up in these fucking, you know, truly heinous, don't curse me, heinous grotesque outfits. I mean,
think, can we show screenshots? Just Google Sandra Shelley, who's the designer of these
outfits. This, this woman who's not a gypsy, but makes her living selling these people dresses to
wear to weddings. And I mean dresses that like, look at, look at these. I mean, I mean, you'd have to
be on crack to walk down an aisle in that, but they love it. And they're, and a lot of them
marry like their first cousin. A lot of them do. And I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. Don't
curse me. I just want you to be happy. And they're very open about that. I'm not. And now is that,
then there's the charge of it gets a little inbred if you're marrying your first cousin.
And, and, and, hey, I don't know. I'm not a doctor, but I, I, it's just such a great show. It's just
such a phenomenal show. TLC just finds groups of people and just everything on TLC is just,
you find people whose lives have been destroyed. My 600 pound life, my strange addiction. I mean,
TLC has a room of executives basically going like, let's find a bitch who's addicted to eating a couch.
Let's find somebody who's addicted to eating glass. And it's destroying the lining of her stomach
and her esophagus. And let's put her on, and let's put her on camera. And then they found these
small groups of American Gypsies and they have weddings and they get in these feuds and they
beat the shit out of each other. And I just, I, you know, I thought somebody told me about this show
and I thought I'd watch it for like a few minutes. I ended up watching just at least a YouTube clip
after YouTube clip after YouTube, but they are fun. They seem fun. I don't know if they're the
brightest, but they seem fun people. Like they're, they're happier than anyone I know.
And many of them don't have much, but they're happier than anyone I know. So maybe they figured
it out. I don't know. I'm being very careful here because I don't know if or I believe in the curse
or not. Do you believe in the Gypsy curse? You're a fucking Texas. You come out of a deeply conservative
Christian church. You believe in all this shit. I mean, where do you stand at Ken Gypsies curse
people? I think so. I'm superstitious, aren't you? Like do you, do you see omens and stuff or like,
I don't want to start problems here. That's all I'm trying to say. 10 million of them, right?
10 million Gypsies. I don't know how many there are of them. I'm just saying I respect your culture.
I want to get this guy Pat baby on the show whose daughter Priscilla is a professional
wrestler. I'm the culture is fascinating to me. I don't love the dresses, but I'm not going to get
married in a wedding dress. So it's, I mean, these wedding dresses at first, I mean, when you look
at them, they're horrific. They're almost scary. You find that snow white one. Yeah, they're almost,
they're kind of terrifying. And a lot of these weddings are in fields.
If you are a Gypsy fan of the show, please reach out to me and let's start a dialogue
about how I can kind of understand and learn more about the Gypsy culture.
Yeah. I mean, look at that. I mean, it's just, it's kind of, it's a little disturbing.
It lights up too at night. It also lights up. Yeah. But they love the bling and the right. So I mean,
so if you're a fan of the show and you're a Ramachal, Ramnachal Gypsy, I don't really want
the Irish traveler variety. No offense. But I kind of want the real deal Ramnachal. Yeah. If you are
a fan of the show and you're Ramnachal Gypsy, and that's possible. Correct. Please respectfully,
without cursing me, reach out because I'm just very interested in the culture.
I just only want to watch his Gypsies now. I mean, it's crazy. I just want to watch Gypsies.
I just watched Gypsy weddings, Gypsy balls. I don't, I don't know what's happening to me,
but I don't want to consume any other content at the moment, except Gypsies.
There's something about it that I enjoy. I think of myself kind of like a traveler.
I'm a nomadic person to a degree. Am I not? I've been persecuted throughout history for being
correct about everything. Why, why do I not get to, you know what I mean? They're, they're happy
people. They're, they're interesting people. Are they in bread? That's a, that's a fair question
that I am not weighing in on in any way. It's a question that I am asking, because the is,
if you marry your first cousin, what is that? It's incest. Yeah. But, but you know, let's not
come down on it hard too hard on the show. Let's just let it out as like, uh, I think
Chrissy Teigen's the real problem. And, but you know, I don't know. It seems a little, it seems
a little sus. I don't have a hot first cousin. I can't relate. Um, but there's a look that a lot
of these people have. There is a look of that there's something going. There's maybe something a
little off. Not all of them. I haven't seen all of them, but certainly the ones on the show. Some
are pretty. Uh, no, not it's unique. There's an interesting quality there. But I'm, I'm actually
just fascinated by the culture. I've only seen the gypsies on the show. I don't know gypsies in
real life. I'm not trying to discriminate against them. I've, I understand that all kinds of people
have all kinds of issues out there. I don't, cousin marriage is not even in the, any of in the top
hundred problems in America. And it's not even a problem. Do your thing. Um, it's, it's an interesting
culture. The dresses are a little strange. Um, and they beat, they beat the shit out of each other
at a lot of these parties. Like, because they don't like when a gypsy marries a non gypsy. It's
called the gorger. So the non gypsies called the gorgers. And then there's the gypsies.
I don't know what it is. I'm just saying, well, we're not going to talk about this for the whole
episode because I don't need, I don't need a fucking old woman coming over here and fucking,
I don't know handing me a monkey's paw and cursing me. And maybe that doesn't happen. I don't know.
But so here's what I will say. If you are gypsy and you want to like, you want to get involved
with some contact tracing call scams, I would get involved with you. I would fly to Florida
and set up a call center right now with gypsies, with gypsies. Listen to call people that and
say that they've been exposed to coronavirus and then get their information. Just throwing it out
there. But other than that, I will just continue to watch every episode of this show, the UK and
the American version that I can, because it is truly the only thing that is making me happy.
I mean, it's truly the only thing. I don't know why watching two women in brightly colored dresses
beat the shit out of each other in a field makes me happy. But right now it is. It's hitting the
spot. It's just hitting the goddamn spot. We all got to find moments of levity. We all got to find
things. I'm enjoying learning about different cultures. Isn't that the point of life?
Learning about different cultures. That's what I'm doing on this show. That's why I watch my big fat
American gypsy wedding to learn about different people and their way of life. So if you're a
rumnishel gypsy, not a traveler, I'm kidding. If you're an Irish traveler, please message me on
Instagram. And now many of you are going to lie because everyone always lies when I say message
me and they lie and I know you lie. And I said, are you in a secret society and then you lose
just like, yes, I'm in skull and bones. We know you're not. Gayo dick suck. Gayo dick suck. Gayo
dick suck. It's the apocalypse. Accused, by the way, I was accused, and I won't say the name,
but I was accused on Twitter by an ex daily show writer of using coded language. Very disappointing.
Very disappointing. Truly disappointing. This woman who I've been nice to and like tweeted out
things she's done, because I think she has some talent writing, said like, hey, you always seem
like you're dancing around what you want to say. Let it out. We're all friends here. I think all
of these people, if you try to have a nuanced point, they all think we're sitting in a room saying
Heil Hitler. I don't know what's wrong with this woman, but this woman has a cooking show
and I watched that and she made three Hitler jokes in the first minute. Yeah. So who's obsessed with
Hitler? Maybe it's you. I made a point and I made the point on the show where I said that people
that are, you know, very, very uncomfortable and feel unsafe when people use language they don't like
or make points they disagree with seem to not mind. They feel very safe when you just have
anarchy and chaos and violence in the street. So I was like, that seems like a very interesting
setup for a human being psyche to have getting triggered and feeling unsafe with language,
but not really minding the fire and the gunshots and the violence. And then this woman was like,
well, what do you, what do you really want to say? What did she think I was going to tweet back?
Oh, right. I'm sorry. Heil Hitler. That's what I meant to say. I was making a nuanced point about
people weaponizing the word unsafe to just basically shut down conversations by saying
they feel unsafe. And you rightly noticed that and called me out because what I was really saying is
Heil Hitler. Thank you so much for pointing that out. And I said there, I said, I have,
I have a lot of podcasts. You can listen to all of them. My words are very accessible. They're
also my own. And I said to her, you made a living in a major corporation that vetted everything you
said. Everything you said went through standards and practices, went through ad sales, went through
legal. It got vetted. It got vetted to make sure that it was okay because fucking corporate sponsors
were sticking ads in the middle of it. Okay. I'm allowed to say what the fuck I want. And I say that
for now, by the way, for now, I say that and all my words are pretty accessible and they're my own.
They didn't go through legal and standards and practices. And then she doesn't respond, of course,
because these people just want to drive the car. They want to throw the rock and they want to keep
going. That's what they want to do. I pick up the rock. I throw it back. By the time I've thrown it
back, the car is in the next town like the gypsies. And I loved, I love gypsy. Don't waste a curse on
me with Chrissy Teigen's barbecue and kids. We're just all right. I can't believe I have to defend
Chrissy Teigen 2020. Fuck you. I don't want to defend Chrissy Teigen. I hate her. But I just
don't think she's eating children. I don't know. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go on the, but maybe I don't
know. I mean, in two months, if it comes that she's eating children, I want to also make a disclaimer
here. This is how fucked things are that I have to now make a disclaimer that if Chrissy Teigen
is busted for eating children, I did not know and I'm not defending her. I'm basically saying
the evidence presented at this point has not convinced me that Chrissy Teigen is a satanic
pedophile cannibal. That being said, if new evidence comes, I may revise my estimate. I don't
know. I'm spending all my money right now trying to get just Lane Maxwell out of prison because
she's been wrongly accused. This is a powerful, strong woman. She's a fierce advocate of women's
independence and liberation. The idea that she's behind bars right now is a fucking tragedy. It
is a travesty. It is disgusting. And I think we should get her out of jail. Just Lane Maxwell did
buy an ad this week on the show. She did buy an ad this week on the show. And it was a lot of
fucking money. We usually don't sell ads for this much money, but it was an ad and it's an ad for
her being released from prison. And so we do have to do the ad and this is just essentially the ad.
Is it just Lane Maxwell wants to say hello to the whole Tim Dillon Show fan base and audience?
She thinks that there's a lot of rumors floating around there about her, but they're easily corrected
and she will be giving up some very big names. How great would it be if just Lane Maxwell's like
they put her on the stand finally whenever this trial happens and won't by the way probably,
but whenever it happens and she's like sitting there, she's like, listen, love, it's all Chrissy
Teigen. We was working for Chrissy Teigen love. Me and Jeffrey wasn't doing nothing. We was afraid
of Chrissy Teigen. How great would it be if just just Lane just outs Chrissy Teigen as the leader.
She is the leader. I went, I had lunch at the yard house in Rancho Mirage, the yard house,
which is a, you know, people know I love a corporate steakhouse. They know that. But I also,
you know, every now and then just to chain corporate lunch spot where they do things like tuna,
ahi tuna, poke nachos and a nice crab cake sandwich with a jalapeno tartar, some truffle
fries. You never leave mad. You never leave those places mad. Let's be honest. You never
leave that kind of outdoor mall chain lunch spot, you know, whatever it is mad, you know,
like a little upmarket, not an Applebee's per se, but like the place with just a little bit more.
I don't like the term gastropub. I've been highly critical of gastropubs. I think many of them suck,
but I think some of them, if done right and some of, and it's rare, there's really done right.
But some of these like craft brew houses, all this bullshit, they just have good food. So this is
shot out to the yard house in Rancho Mirage with the ahi tuna, poke nachos and the crab cake
sandwich. Phenomenal, sadly, Dickies barbecue pit in Rancho Mirage, still running a human
trafficking ring. So if the victimization of children bothers you, go over and show Dickies
how you feel about it. However you want to handle it, just handle it. It's not my,
it's not my business. But when you take a postmates order, when you have fucking eight
minutes and then you fucking call back and go, we're closed. It's like, you're not closed. I ordered
it eight minutes ago. I'm just, I'm a little, I support the American worker and I have always,
it's something that I believe in. But I'm also getting very angry at the people in,
in drug stores that are now using COVID as a reason to not just show you where the,
the eardrops are. Like they just, they just, they point in general direction. They go,
they're over there. I'll say, it's like, just show me where it is. Walk me to the eardrop,
point at it and then leave and I'll pick it up. I just think that COVID in general is really
bringing out the worst in everybody, including many of the people that I have to deal with on a
day-to-day basis, you know? And I'm just wondering how should we handle this kind of level of
insubordination or this new like attitude that a lot of people have? Do we withhold a vaccine
from the people that are not performing? I mean, this is a question. I mean, do we withhold
treatment from the people that are not performing? You know? I mean, is this the way to do it?
Because I think there's just a lot of, there's a lot of tood now. There's a lot of tood and it's
like uncalled for and unnecessary. I know you're miserable and you don't want to be there and
you know, you're being exposed to a deadly virus and I get all of that, but like, here's the reality.
I, I don't want the tood. I don't want the dude. I was all like sanders, working people, support,
but then I'm like, I need an eardrop because I got water in my inner ear from the pool,
which is not as big as I'd like, but it's in my inner ear now and that will cause an infection.
Where are the drops? And it just point to aisle seven and go, yeah, aisle seven and then walk away.
It's like, what is this? Where is the pride? Right, Athe in Palm Desert? Where is the pride?
No, truly. It just bothers me. I, I, I, I just think that if people at certain jobs knew that
they would not be vaccinated unless their performance was better, they would rise to the occasion,
yes or yes. Yes or yes. It's a question. I'm just throwing it out there. How do we mandate
performance now? I don't know, but I'm saying, I think maybe it's time to kind of
make people understand that there are stakes. When I had that crib, that's a fat crab cake at the
yard house with the jalapeno tartar and the poke nachos were nice. They were a little light on the
ahi light, but that's okay because I understand that word where it reduced capacity. We're an
only outdoor seating. I get it. You're trying to make a buck. I understand that. It's funny when
you're on the desert, you know, we say like it's hot and all the locals like, it could be like
116 degrees and it'll be like it's hot and they're like, this is nothing. It's like, how hot does
it get? What do you mean this is nothing? People love to say that. Like locals love to say they're
like, you don't know what hot is. It's like, you know, I, 116 degrees is hot. That's hot.
Oh, you don't understand. You don't understand how bad things are.
Shout out to that restaurant. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's tough to work in the restaurant
business. It's very, very difficult and I've only eaten outside. We've eaten outside in a few places
and my heart goes out to people in that industry because listen, it's an industry I'd love to get
into. If, if I was successful at podcasting in a comedy more so than I am now and I could save
some money, I'd invest it into a restaurant. I love that business and I would like to have a
restaurant and I'd like to have like a neighborhood-y casual, like a high-end upscale cafe. I've
talked about it on a Patreon and so when I, when I am at a restaurant and I see servers behaving in
a way that just isn't, isn't, you know, doesn't really, you know, put the institution in a good
light, I want, I want to take away their vaccines and I want to, and I want to make them, I want to
understand that that can happen and I just want to know how we can do that as a country
to go to people at, to the essential, well, these are the essential workers, essentially,
the people, the right, right aides and the Walgreens and the nurses don't get me started on them,
but I don't think, I don't think the essential workers should be vaccinated
if they're not the, if the, I want a peer review. I want a peer review, like I want to know that
that they're, they're behaving like the other day I ordered Postmates and the guy just opens
a garage and leaves it by the garage door and it's, it's like baking in the sun for an hour
and I'm yelling at Postmates, he doesn't knock on the door, he doesn't open the door, he sees that
he goes in a garage and leaves it in a fucking garage, like should that guy be inoculated against
this disease? No, no, I just, I'm just saying, I think a lot of it had to do with calling people
heroes early on, calling them essential workers, I think people got a little bit of an attitude,
I think people got, got a little bit of a chip on their shoulder when they heard they were essential
and that people like myself were somehow not essential, the commentators, the people who speak,
the people who talk, the people who speak on behalf of the people, the voice of the voiceless,
I'm not essential, but some clown is a Trader Joe's and I think not, I think not sir, sir,
I think not ma'am, non-binary Trader Joe's employee, I don't believe that you are essential
and I think we just, there was a little chip on the shoulder and I'm not, I am not
blind to the sacrifices that a lot of those people have made but what I am saying is that
there needs to be a standard of quality delivered in every interaction, no matter what,
in the midst of rioting, in the midst of looting, in the midst of a pandemic, in the midst of an
economic collapse, in the midst of a political crisis, in the midst of a crisis in confidence
in government, in the midst of an escalation of a cold war, hopefully not a hot war with China,
in the midst of all of those things, I still fucking think you get off your fat ass and you show
someone where the eardrops are, that's what I think and if you don't do that, you don't get
vaccinated. We made a sketch for TBS this week that is so ridiculous, so embarrassing
and we did it because we are actually daring them to put it on television. I cannot believe
we made the sketch we made, we have all the footage right, we're gonna cut together the sketch,
we give all them the raw footage and they cut it together, the last sketch we gave them,
they completely butchered it and they removed all contacts and it didn't make any sense,
if you'd seen the last sketch with me and Devin, we're sitting at a table, it's obviously two
guys that are having dinner with everything else going on, we're looking at our phones,
you hear screams and everything, they took all that part out, it took the context out,
you didn't realize we were at a restaurant, the whole thing was crazy. Again, the editors at TBS
were drawing a salary somehow to edit content but the new sketch we gave them is so patently
ridiculous, so absurd, truly it shows how little respect we have for the entire show,
the entire institution of television, specifically basic cable but I mean it is so, I mean it is
almost, the idea of it being on TV just makes me laugh, I mean have we ever made anything that
crazy? It was like Freddy got fingered but like made less sense, it doesn't make any sense,
somehow imagine if they like make it make sense somehow, every every sketch we've given them
has made sense and they've made it not make sense by their editing decisions and you could vote for
vote for us at what, tournament laughs or whatever, I mean I don't know, let me give the link out now
if you want to vote and by the way I don't care what you do, I don't care if you vote or not,
I just want to watch Chipsies get married over and over again and get the Postmates orders
I order on time, that's really all I want to do until I die and the way things are going
is probably all I will do, who's left in the contest, do we even know? Who do we got left?
So we're, we don't know if we're in round three or no we are in round three right?
So that's the elite eight, I don't know if we're allowed to say that, that we're in round three.
We didn't say it, what are they gonna do? Suez kicks off the show, thanks, they send me a promo
the other day to put up and I go I'm not in the promo, they go well everybody in the show is not
in the promo, I'm like well why am I sharing it if I'm not in it, my fans are gonna think I'm
sharing another fucking show that they don't want to watch if I'm not in it, how fucking dense are
you people? How have these people made money? Soon they won't, soon I think this industry is gonna
take a big haircut and a lot of people that previously had jobs and it will not have jobs
and very few of them should currently have jobs but we don't know who's left, how do they vote for us?
At the TBS tournament of laughs website, if you type in tournament of laughs in
a Google it'll take you on the first link. If you go to the TBS tournament of laughs website
TBS.com's and then shows tournament of laughs they will allow you to vote for me and Ben to
continue advancing in their contest and I mean so when is the sketch that we made, I mean this
abomination, it is funny but it's like an abomination. So that's if we make it to round four,
round three sketches airing Sunday I think. So round three sketch will air Sunday which is what,
that we can't say. Like we can't say. Alright you've seen it before, you've seen it before. Round four
of tournament of laughs is the abomination, if it happens and if it doesn't happen we will release
the abomination on the show, we're going to put all the footage out of what we filmed
and then I guess you will all see why it did not make it on TV but it might, we might win and then
they have to figure out something to do with it. Why we're sending it in like this so great is that
we want them to stare at this and be puzzled and not understand what's happening and then have to
somehow edit it into something that can make sense on television which I mean of all the things
we've made this is like by far the most ridiculous. Yeah in round five if we make it to round five you
think we should do something even weirder? If we make it to round five this is the plan for the
rest of the show, we're just going to do things that are so insane and so absurd and they're
going to make less and less sense that like I think what's the final round? I think round six
so round six is the final round, if round five or six whatever it is the final round I think it
should just be like me sitting on in a bathtub eating my own shit and then just like Ben like
screaming in another language off camera and then like we submit this and when they call us to go
we're just having a problem I go what do you mean like sitting in a bathtub smeared with my own
shit fake shit and then just eating like fake shit and then Ben like in another language
and like like five like three minutes up I think it has to be like a five minutes no be five minutes
to that and there's got like just screaming like Indian death chance or you know like Tibetan
whatever prayer you know and then I'm just like eating my own shit and then I just stand up and
I go like like we we want to make something that is so disrespectful that we'll never work in this
business again because we're bored I'm bored so we just want to we just want to get a call
from the executives at TBS now the problem is the dumbest thing we make the executives probably
call us up and go this is great this is actually great shit tub on TBS and they're like we love
the idea of you sitting in a tub eating your own shit can you do this could you do this every week
can like diverse other cast members sit and eat shit with you so that's the problem that's like
the producers where they made that you know made that musical that ended up making a lot of money
but that's the update god man thinking about getting out of LA don't know if I will or not
but I mean the the thought always crosses my mind do I do I end up on the west coast of Florida
do I end up in Florida in some swamp I don't know Texas I like Texas a lot too you know New York
has fallen uh people just call each other now they're like so ho has fallen oh my god
they're like Tribeca is being occupied I'm like really but yeah I think I think I think the
the journey to LA may be coming to an end you know I mean the clubs are closed there's nothing
really to do um you know everybody makes fun of the tiktok kids but they really that's what LA is
you're supposed to be 20 and good-looking and live in a house with a bunch of your friends
and just fuck a bunch of people and make a lot of money and then by 30 it's all uh
you know forgotten it's all like a dream that happened and then you just have some money and
you have a hot wife you have some kids you move down to Orange County and you get into Jesus
and you go to mosaic the rocker church and you know just like Jesus keep letting me make all this
money that's what the orange county church mosaic is Jesus please keep me rich and powerful
help my swing help my golf swing my wife has new tits thank you lord and they're all they like
dance around she'll just rich white people dancing around like some of them are playing guitars
it's like you know Jesus is the first influencer type of church uh but that that's the LA life
like that's the LA life and I'm never gonna have that life I'm never gonna be 20 and hot
and living in a cool house and being cool and then moving to Orange County with my uh you know
fake titted wife and then get going to like mosaic church and jumping around and that's what that's
what LA's supposed to be or california in general I just that's not going to be for me so but I could
live a texas life like I could live that life I could certainly live a florida life those two
states intrigue me I like them texas you don't have the state income tax um florida you don't have
the state income tax either florida you do have floridians so that's a little bit of an issue
you know do I join the gypsies do I join the Roma do I join a traveling group of people
who I respect don't curse me I don't know these are these are all thoughts I never thought this
you know I moved to LA about a year ago permanently and I got passed at the comedy
store about a year ago and then the entire world shut down and collapsed my entire business changed
we've gone through like a decade of evolution in a few months everybody has become digital uh
you know that's why the patreon's really cool because we can have a lot of fun on the patreon
we get really wild on the patreon we're not worried about youtube yanking us off we're not
worried about any of that uh we get pretty wild here too and we have fun on this show but like
the patreon is a great I think that's just if you want entertainment if you want better entertainment
you're just gonna have to find find it you're gonna have to seek it out you're not gonna get it
networks aren't gonna give it to you you're just gonna have to seek it out it's probably
gonna be behind a paywall it's gonna have to be because i'm gonna be like the people that are on
my patreon seek out my comedy so they're offended by something then it's their fault you know what
i mean it's like it's like if i go into Gucci to try to get jeans and they're like we don't have a
size 44 and i'm like what do you mean it's my fault you don't go to Gucci go to dxl the fat person
store i went to the fat person's toy the other day and the guy's like do you have a work retail
i was like no because i mentioned something about the fat store in Beverly Hills and clothes
and he's like he's like we hated the people at the fat store in Beverly Hills they're like
they used to send us all their rejacks like clothing wise yeah you know to this other fat store
like what am i gonna hear about this now i'm gonna hear about a few of fat stores
this is the year 35 of my life this is the year 35 i get to stand here and have this guy talk to me
about the feud he's having with the other fat store in Beverly Hills and i'm like well all the fat
stores should stick together but they don't there's feuds there's all kinds of problems so
what are you gonna do folks you gotta stay positive stay up stay positive that's what
i do i just stay positive and what works for me is it working out is it eating well is it religion
no i like gypsies i like watching them and learning about them that's what's doing it for me right now
it's not fucking avocado toast and it's not a nine mile run but it is watching gypsies get married
in a field that is what makes me happy i suggest you watch that show my big fat greek no my big fat
gypsy american wedding even though i want to watch the uk one as well because the uk one i think is very
good uh too you know again i'm not i'm not throwing shade marry your cousin
do what you want to do you know they they all seem to have a little bit of uh you know
that they're that that's you know prevalent i think in the community is that they are
they marry extended family and maybe you know and that's okay and i mean those dresses
they're wild they're they're to me they make me they make me feel sick in a good way like when
you first take shrooms yeah like i'm like sick to my stomach but in a happy way i don't know why
i'm like happy that that's happening you know i'm not knocking anybody but
you because i am i'm afraid it'll curse me
i'm truly i'm like literally terrified uh that they will curse me and i will end up uh
overweight or something like that do not want that wouldn't be great if this is just a curse
this whole covid was just a gypsy curse oh we're already cursed we're already cursed i don't know
where should i live where should i go you're allowed to submit suggestions to me you know
tell me where you think i should live where should i go where should we move this operation
where should we go i don't know it's a good question maybe stay here maybe we'll stay in la
i'm trying to get maybe maybe they'll let me in maybe the hype house will let me in the sway
house to tick tock houses i don't know it's just so it's that's when you should be like
these 19 year old morons that are just driving around in teslas they have no idea they have no
clue that's what la is about la is about having no clue it's a city you can really only enjoy if
you don't have any clue and you're just like things go fast powder goes up nosy that's it
penis goes in hole if you if you have any thoughts about anything you got to get out of here
it's not a city of thoughts it's not a city of thoughts new york now it's hard to have a thought
because as you're having it a bullet grazes your skull that is also a problem build the blasio
really destroying that city i mean and and by the way none of this none of this ignores the
bungling of the corona the incompetence of government stealing not giving people money
i mean everyone could call this they gave people 1200 dollars nobody's getting unemployment anymore
in a few weeks that runs out people are on the verge of it you know i mean all of this everything
my criticisms of like the blasio people again i always understand really the genesis of this
issue which is that we have people just too fucking greedy in this country and they're unwilling
to compromise at all and and allow people to live dignified lives which is what we need to do
people can be rich people can own multiple homes people but you need to invest in an education
and and health care and have an infrastructure that allows people to live dignified lives if you
rob them of their dignity and you destroy that and they're and they're and they're selling homes and
going bankrupt because they get sick i mean it's it's in a moral system and both republicans and
democrats have participated in that for a long time in a moral system that i said on twitter
deserves to be burned down the system but when you start burning down like individual buildings
one owned by like an indian woman who's like what what you know that's what she sounded like
it's it's wrong and it doesn't help anything and then what happens then a few weeks later we have
dhs agents running around grabbing people off the street because that i do you not know where we live
are you not are you unaware do you think these high school kids in portland that are now starting
this youth liberation front of portland i mean do you really think those guys are going to be able
to stand up against i mean the the true power of the state it just it's not going to happen
and i don't understand why people think it's gonna happen or that or that we want to be ruled by
high school students from portland is that i don't understand people just keep defending
the displays of clear violence where you're like they're going up to people and and starting and
intimidating people and saying like say black lives matter you got a group of people that are
intimidating somebody you're trying to get them to say something you're under the threat of violence
what is that doing what causes that helping why are people defending that why is the media egging
that on why is the media pretending that these two people who looked funny they looked buffoonish
but walking out of their house with weapons and standing there whilst people walked by their home
why is the media pretending that those two people are like terrorists when they literally just walked
on to the front of their house with weapons i don't understand was it an overreaction potentially
it's their home and it's their weapons why is the media you know and then i think the weapon was
confiscated i think that guy's ak4 there ak47s were confiscated why are we cheering that on
i don't understand why are we cheering on people's inability to defend themselves do you think the
people in the street are always going to agree with you do you believe that do you really believe
that when you sleep at night in your bed when your head hits the pillow do you think that the people
in the street are always going to have your back and that you would never need to defend yourself
you think the government on the other side you think the government's always going to have your
back you think any institution in america is going to have your back none of them truly every
major institution in this country does not care about you and they will let you die fact so anybody
ridiculing anybody's uh means of how they protect themselves or self-defense is crazy anybody
ridiculing anybody uh you know it just makes no sense to me every major institution in this
country from the government to the media to the police everybody is not focused on your rights
as a citizen they're all in some larger battle against something else some larger ideological
war and you as a citizen as an individual don't matter and they'll let you die they'll let you die
trust me on either side everywhere cops are gonna let you die to make a point about rising crime
people in the street may kill you to make a point that they need to use violence to get what they
want government may kill you just because that's what the government does the media may publish
your address and have people dox you they may put out a false narrative about you that goes around the
world before you're able to defend yourself you may lose your job you may lose your family you may
lose your career you may lose you the place you live in and the media will not give a fuck they'll
move on but none of those institutions care about you as an individual what your rights are as a
citizen it's true it's a fact your friends may care your family may care care about yourself
but none of those institutions they're all corrupt all of them and none of them have any focus on
your life as an individual and your family and your ability to work and live and and worship
or whatever you want to do and so the idea is when you start ridiculing people who have the means
to defend themselves from any of the above mentioned you know power factions when you start
ridiculing those people i mean man you must have some faith you must have a lot of faith
in these systems i don't you must have a lot of faith if you're sitting there if you're a
type of person who's not thought about even maybe getting a gun over the last three or four months
good for you but also that's a lot of faith it's a lot of faith you know you know and if
you're a person who thinks that the state cares about you or that trump cares about you or that
trump gets the fuck about you right now and all he tweets is law and order as the cities burn
and he tweets law and order you think that guy cares good for you but i would fucking you know
it's time to start really understanding that like a lot of what we've been talking about
for the last couple of years or a lot of what very smart people have been telling you was
going to happen is happening it's not a drill not a fire drill with the alarms pulled and
everybody goes stands in a parking lot and everybody goes back this is not a drill this is
the disintegration of society in front of your eyes and it will be probably the introduction
into a dystopian surveillance state police state that we will live in and it might take
us a few years of chaos to eventually arrive at that point which may be the plan but this is the
beginning of that seeing writers leave newspapers and magazines is it doesn't mean anything to any
of us but make no mistake it's the beginning it's the beginning of an Orwellian nightmarish
control system that they're going to put in where you're ridiculed for speaking and you're
ridiculed for having the temerity to defend yourself or even brandishing a weapon and saying
yeah i have the ability to defend myself the idea that that you would be uh ridiculed for that i mean
you could be made fun of i tweeted the picture out i said when doordash i drew the picture i was
like when doordash is fucking around they were standing there was funny you know but the idea
that people are cheering on that they're the confiscating of their weapons which i believe
were legally owned and the idea that people are cheering that on again it's just i don't know what
you think is coming i really don't i'm unaware of what you think is coming because the adults in
america have have like left it's really it's just the case i mean imagine a high school party
the adults are gone everybody is running fucking wild people are falling through tables there's
broken glass people are trying to sweep things up there's fights breaking out people are trying
to figure out who did what the kid who owns the house is odin in the bathtub he's throwing up
people are trying to lift his head up nobody who knows who that kid even is everybody's trying to
find him it's an absolute fucking nightmare you know you're kind of having fun because the party
is still kind of fun you know the party's still kind of fun even though things are getting out
of control quickly and then the cops come in and shut the party down i mean we're we're at that party
we're at that party now okay and and the kid who owns the house is tweeting out law and order
as the house is burning and as the vases are smashing and as people that we don't know are
just coming in the house and fucking your little sister and he's locked in the bathroom tweeting
law and order it's not a good look and i don't know what comes next but i'll tell you where i'm gonna be
with aroma