The Tim Dillon Show - 336 - The Tim Dillon Show

Episode Date: March 3, 2023

Tim mourns the end of Lori Lightfoot's reign over Chicago, he praises McDonald's latest celebrity meal all the while a new LAPD proposal has him eyeing Florida  Merch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Netflix special: https://www.netflix.com/watch/81616382 SPONSORS: BespokePost: Go to BoxofAwesome.com and enter the code timdillon Fum: Go to tryfum.com and use code TIM to save 10% Morgan & Morgan: For more information go to forthepeople.com/tim Keeps: For your first month free go to KEEPS.com/TIMDILLON MagicSpoon: Head over to magicspoon.com/TIMDILLON ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Tim Dillon Live Dates!: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow

I love bespoke posts because basically what you do is you go to you go to boxofawesome.com you take a quick quiz and you know whoever you're giving this to or you're giving it to yourself basically you're getting a box every single month with a bunch of cool stuff in it okay and you never know what it's going to be but it's all from small up and coming brands manufactured in America and that's what you want you know so when you get this box it's so cool it's a great surprise and it could have everything it could have outdoorsy stuff it could have like you know stuff to make drinks it could have like you know you know fishing stuff or you know boating stuff maybe it's a like a some type of compass or something like that but it's cool

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and enter the code tim dillon at checkout that's boxofawesome.com code tim dillon for 20 off your first box boxofawesome.com code tim dillon ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Tim Dillon show I am in mourning right now I am incredibly upset I'm usually not as upset but today is a tough day we are mourning the loss of a legend a woman who's meant a lot to this show someone who has been an inspiration to me someone who has been an inspiration to millions to young women and young men and people of and young non-binary people everybody regardless of their gender has been impacted by this woman it is a sad day in America but a very sad day in Chicago because we have lost one of the best um an advocate for chaos an advocate for chaos a woman whose reign in Chicago

came to symbolize chaos in in the way that only a batman villain could like a Dick Tracy villain like this woman presided over an increase in crime that was just I mean it was mind blowing like the numbers just kept and she was a petty vindictive woman she went to war with limo companies she wrote bad yelp reviews she was nasty to employees the first lesbian mayor of color in Chicago uh gotta put that in there she's a and god god love her for that we appreciate it um but this is a woman I never thought of her as you know I never thought of her sexuality I never thought of even her race I thought only of what animates her the true um you know a spirit of lori lightfoot uh is is really a spirit of chaos um and let's take a look at her right now this is

her and all her glory this is how i'll always remember her make this big please there she is is vote vote vote yep here she is celebrating Chicago having the highest murder rate in the country it's I mean this woman I I I don't want to lose her I do not want to lose this woman I mean god love her it's sad all right well people are listening that don't see them that they're not getting the benefit of this visual so we'll turn this down but uh god I mean there's no one better than lori lightfoot can we go to her speech when she left you know lori lightfoot for those of you who don't know was the mayor of the city of chicago the great city of chicago

which is descending into a hellscape uh how many murders last year in chicago just out of curiosity if we can get that up chicago a violent crime there has been a major problem there are like large they were large one of my favorite stories was like there's large gangs of teenagers groups of teenagers just running through um you know the midtown of chicago the miracle mile whatever you call it and they're just robbing couples and you know you know just creating cast I think they're working for lightfoot like I think the kids are because here's what she's got to do now lori now that she has been evicted from her position she's been taken lori now has to wage a war against the city from the outside because for many years she was

waging a war against the city from the inside but now she's now from the outside has to like make sure the city stays as crime written and filthy from the outside she's just got a launch attacks coordinated attacks the year of 2021 ended as one of the most violent on record in chicago a rise in the number of shootings left more people dead than in any single year and a quarter century recording the statistics released by the police on saturday 797 homicides 20 more 25 more than were recorded in 2020 so about 800 homicides how many a day there's 365 days in a year almost like three days yeah there's about three people a day in chicago checking out and uh you know this was also you gotta remember lori lightfoot went wild with the vaccine she was threatening people

saying if you don't take the vaccine your time has come we'll put you in jail you know we're gonna find you again this was the language of a of a villain this was the language of like an all powerful mob boss it was not a governor here we go um yeah she did not fuck around when it came to the vaccine she was like Nazi-ish she wanted everybody to get it and if you didn't get it she did that whole thing get up that thing where she goes we'll put you in jail yeah that was my favorite one where she goes we'll put you in jail she goes we will put you in jail and it was just like you saw that was like the zenith of state power during the pandemic when people were just coming right out and saying if there is anything you do that we disagree with we are going to put

you in jail and that was like i remember people sending that to me going like this is going to really like be a huge problem for this woman and it was you know people you play that back now it seems so insane um here it is right here this is lori lightfoot we will shut you down we will cite you and if we need to we will arrest you and we will take you to jail period there should be nothing unambiguous about that you mean nothing ambiguous we don't make us treat you like a criminal but if you act like a criminal and you violate the law and you refuse to do what is necessary to save lives in the city in the middle of a pandemic we will take you to jail get up get up when she did rona destroy her i just this is a montage of lori lightfoot i i am so sad

to be losing this woman i hope she runs for governor i pray that lori lightfoot runs for governor yeah that's chicago mayor lori lightfoot coming out in full costume capen mask is the rona as in corona destroyer handing out candy to reporters and staff at her daily news covers trick or tweeters will be asked to stay in groups of six or fewer there avoid sticking their hands into any candy bowls and of course wear a mask with a mask over your mask man she's a symbol of the pandemic isn't she lori lightfoot i think now covid's finally over i mean i know the state of emergency was lifted in la but with lori lightfoot leaving it's like the state like it really is over this is finally done with lori lightfoot being voted out this is sad let's look at her

concession speech here she doesn't even seem present in her own body for the concession speech again so much mayhem so much chaos so bloody this woman was the ultimate villain the only this is the type of mayor chicago should have it's one of the most corrupt cities in the world and there's absolutely no way it should be run by anyone less like anyone less than a complete utter crime boss which is what she is she is like you know somebody who from a like the ninja turtles would have to invade her lair let's see how she conceded the election we were fierce competitors and these last few months um but i will be rooting and praying for our next mayor to deliver for the people of the city for years to come i'm grateful that we work together to

remove a record number of guns off our streets reduced homicides and started making real progress on public safety well she didn't she didn't reduce homicide i mean that's but who cares at this point and i don't know what gun she's talking about they're off the street certainly not the 900 you know murders she didn't really reduce any homicides but now she can live with her wife and be happy and like you know just she was the mayor of chicago you know she'll just always she'll always be able to tell people like later on she'll be on some like lesbian crews and they'll be like what did you do and she'll go i was the mayor of chicago and you go lori was the mayor of chicago she just cheated at cards lori was the mayor of chicago because she's

corruption is the dna of chicago and it runs through this woman's veins no matter what she does any any any time in her life she will always try to lie and this is what i love about her so much is it no matter what lori lied for i mean she literally just said we we we we we uh we what about homicide she goes we decreased homicides they were at the highest level in 25 years but it doesn't matter she'll always try to lie first that's what i love about her she just it's her you can tell when you look at her she's burning inside because she doesn't know what's true anymore because there's so she's lied so many times did you ever see the thing where the the guy he just lists everything in chicago it's lori lightfoot she refuses to answer a question

and it's great you have a guy who basically comes up and goes here's the issue the crime's up this is up they don't want the companies are leaving chicago nobody wants to be here anymore and lori lightfoot stands there and goes i'm just not gonna answer that question um you gotta remember the fashion choices too she wore these big balloon pants she dressed up during the saint patrick's day parade they were saying on twitter that she looked like that movie leprechaun in the hood they were saying she looked like leprechaun in the hood um it was she was trolling everyone or she wasn't she had these weird balloon pants these baggy like jenko jeans but they were pants that she would wear and they like never fit her i this is a kid who dressed up as her but i mean

i'm really going to be sad to see her go man try to get that up where she refuses to answer the question where she literally just looks at the guy and she goes i i disagree with your assessment entirely and he just listed facts about what was happening in chicago and she goes i just disagree with your assessment uh entirely but i mean it's sad man it's sad to lose her because she became such a symbol of uh the type of political leader that we have um in america now where truth is irrelevant okay this is great lightfoot now screams this is this was another one but this is also great he or she is screaming at a reporter over a question about crime god i love her you and the other right wing nuts could try to characterize it any possible excuse me is

that appropriate yeah is that appropriate thank you mayor lightfoot the people that i speak with in chicago every day tell me that they're very frustrated with your lack of a plan to combat violent crime you may not have heard the admonition at the beginning of this press conference and frankly i haven't spoken as long as hold on sir it's specific to you ask a question and i'd be happy to respond but if you continue to come in here and spout a lot of nonsense and rhetoric that's not a question and not acting like a journalist then i'm not going to have any time for you you have a whole room of people that you're holding up by not asking a question

and i know you like to film me and then you like to go on fox and every other reporter here is filming you yeah so i might be a reporter but what i want you to do is ask a question sir don't give me your right wing nonsense and spewing of facts that are completely untethered from the reality just ask a question that's all i'm asking you ask a question so we can move on well i'm not the only reporter or film ask a question right what's your question the obvious question is simply this there are numerous violent crimes here in the city of chicago right last night a teenager was shot in the head on our beautiful lakefront people around the city the state and not only the country but around the world i'm going to ask you one more time a question or we're moving she's like

yeah i shot that bitch they're like um so a teenager was shot always like on my orders i had it done i'm the boss this is when oswald get up oswald cobblepot running for mayor of gotham city this is when the penguin ran gotham city like lord lightfoot staring at him he's like he goes i don't understand you don't have a plan to combat the crime she's like yeah i am the criminal i wonder if we can play this or if youtube's gonna like you know send someone to our homes it's getting so bad over there you you can't do anything they'll send people after you in the street youtube if you play the wrong thing you're fed they'll call and threaten your family we're trying to stay well anyway don't play it it's just you get it folks if you've seen batman returns the point is that

lightfoot symbolized a type of politician where they didn't even try to lie uh in a way that would make the citizenry feel comfortable this is an important transition it's actually an important transition in the way things are kind of crumbling uh when someone like her basically went out warts and all imperfect came out and was like listen i'm kind of a criminal so i'm not gonna sit in judgment of other people that were criminals um and now listen you have many many liars that occupy uh offices all over the place from congress to the governors but there was something special about this woman in in in my heart i like petty people and when she did the thing and you could go back and listen to that old episode where she ratted on her limo company she literally made up

that the driver of the limo company went and used the bathroom in her home and then the company goes we have cameras he didn't enter your house once she's such a vindictive liar even on a tiny small scale in this infinitesimal scale of trying to get a limo driver fired she is just such a treat she's such an utter treat a um you know there's something so comforting to me about her complete like obvious disdain for anyone who called her out on anything anyone that would mention a fact about chicago the shootings the murders the crime she hated it she was like don't bring your propaganda here and i love her fucking weird voice she had like she had this weird like breathy voice where she'd be like listen to me if you have a question

ask a question don't bring your fox propaganda here don't bring your propaganda this strange kind of like her voice box almost didn't want to lie and she had to like force the breath through it because like her body was shutting down some of the lies that she was telling and she what did she get 16 percent of the vote god lori it was bad it was like it was bad she got trounced 17.1 percent who are those people just committed criminals and i mean who were the who were the 17.1 percent of people that voted for lori lightfoot like every measurable standard chicago is falling into a it's a hellscape and 17.1 percent of people i mean what was her slogan did lightfoot have a slogan did lori have like a slogan everything even even her name's

amazing lori lightfoot just it's just a medialiteration you know lori lightfoot there's just no one better and i'm uh i'm sad to see her go you know of all the people we should talk on this show you know there was nobody that that i loved and had a personal affinity for more than lori lightfoot she just fit i mean the fedoras she dressed like a gangster again like somebody like dick tracy would have to like i mean lori lightfoot epitomized she looked like a gangster she was a gangster she lied she you know obfuscated she wouldn't answer questions and all around her things just totally fell apart because she was a petty vindictive tyrant that would go to war with people in her inner circle and she would fight these tiny small

battles instead of focusing on real things that could actually help people and there's no better version of a politician than that to me is is somebody who's like it's all out in the open what they do that's what made lori lightfoot so special to me she was so bad at concealing it she almost had no desire to conceal it she just thought like somehow it was going to be okay you know you've all you know seen a kid or maybe have been the kid who shows up the class without homework and has no lie nothing prepared they just go huh and the teacher goes uh you have nothing and they go yeah that was lori lightfoot no dog ate my homework no oh i left it in the car no it it was 100 percent i don't have it and i don't remember you even uh asking it asking me

to do it and i don't know what your problem is and i'm just gonna stare at you from my seat until you give up and there's something about that i do miss uh i do miss her be smart don't start kick the habit put it out before it puts you out all phases phrases we've heard 100 times yet we can continue to have bad habits our sponsor fume is on a mission to accelerate humanities break up from the bad habits it consume too many of us fume is a natural diffusive device that uses plants and behavioral science to help you trade out your negative habit for a positive one fume is not a vape it's a non-electronic device designed to transform your negative habits instead of pods filled with potentially harmful chemicals like a vape fume

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meals now which i don't know why they're doing this right i've never fully understood why they're doing these celebrity meals where they and it's usually like uh j ballvin had one how many other people have had like celebrity meals travis scott travis scott had one yeah and i don't i don't understand why they're doing but apparently they sell really well because young people are like i want to eat travis scott's meal now they're doing a meal with cardy b and offset and apparently some of the franchisees and mcdonald's are upset because they don't like the value system of cardy being offset because i don't know she was a gang member he's the drug dudes it was a stripper or whatever who cares who do you think's eating at mcdonald's who the hell do you think's eating

at mcdonald's it's 14 year old kids that want to shoot people the mcdonald's biggest demo is young kids who want to get into gangs so why wouldn't you not give them a meal give them a good meal most mcdonald's like for example after the because you we've all seen these fights it's you know it's in the city and it's a mcdonald i'm not i'm not because by the way we all know that white people are very violent and there's tons of white trash and they fight mcdonald's too okay but my point is that we've all seen a mcdonald's fight where it's in the city and the kids are just beating someone they're just stomping a motherfucker out stomping on their face now those kids afterwards want to eat

after the fight after the cops come and everybody runs away and the ambulance comes and takes the one kid to the hospital and then the crowd comes back because they're like i'm all of that stomping on the face made me hungry so they come back and they get the uh cardi B meal and by the way what is the cardi B offset meal what do you get what's included oh it's a bundle so it's like it's a valentine it's like a a bundle for the young couples yeah so it's a classic cheese burger with barbecue sauce a large coke and a quarter pounder of cheese and a large high-c orange lava burnt good good yet no one's gonna be offended by this who would eat at mcdonald's if you are eating at mcdonald's this is not offensive to you you want more of it

if you're eating at mcdonald's they don't care it doesn't matter it's a fucking disgusting place where people that don't really have choices eat and they don't pay anyone i love mcdonald's they're like we're morally concerned with these rappers you don't pay anyone you don't pay anyone my mother knew a woman named marianne she worked at mcdonald's for years she had like five kids and like she barely had any money at all and she was like the manager of mcdonald's for like 40 years like and she made nothing mcdonald's pays shit in and out pays really well mcdonald's doesn't pay that well mcdonald's poisons everybody and i've eaten mcdonald's clearly but they poison people the sugar the fat the it's horrific it's that meal could kill someone this cardi b offset meal

the calories in the meal the sugar in the meal could kill someone but they're not concerned about that they're concerned that it's there's rappers promoting it so these franchisees that are probably white and they're from like middle america and they own mcdonald's is are like we don't want cardi b being the meal because it's not our values so they you know who knows what they want they want a proud boy meal probably which they want to mcdonald's will have but what's interesting is like mcdonald's pushed back on the internet criticism noting the feedback it has received um uh you know it has received the collaboration with the rappers was generating support and excitement among his franchisees so like hey listen there's some feedback there's some criticism

but there's a lot more excitement that's like what mcdonald's is saying what are people like what are the franchisees saying that's disturbing them so much here i saw a good one once where this girl was popping shit in a mcdonald's running her mouth and then a bunch of other girls surrounded her in a circle and i think they killed her i oh i think they killed her or maybe paralyzed her and and and but because don't you understand like this is mcdonald's yeah they have this golden arches code the golden arches code of marketing guidelines for store owners and employees partnerships with celebrities and influencers that have a potential risk to damage our brand your brand of poison the brand is poisoning children that's

mcdonald's brand we poison kids um so people got met it's kind of a culture shock thing when you consider that mcdonald's brand over the years said dick adams a former mcdonald's restaurant owner and consultant to franchisees especially if you're a franchise owner and you're 50 or six years old you don't have any kids and haven't been exposed to the type of these lure well because they're mad because she did that did that song wet ass pussy yes right again i don't understand who they think's eating at mcdonald's it's single mothers it's people that it's like like someone who's eating at mcdonald's okay is probably if i had to demograph it is a single mother from the hood sorry it is a single mom from the hood at because we've done a horrible job

in this country uh providing a better alternative at a at the price point right so for the price point you probably have a single mother from the hood eating at mcdonald's and you know that's who's going there you're not getting like people that are flush with money mcdonald now some people occasionally will eat mcdonald's as a novelty but the people your your your day ones like the people that are coming in to eat all the time are not offended by the wet ass pussy lyrics in fact their wet ass pussy has had several illegitimate children pop out of it which is why they're eating at mcdonald's so it's just a matter of knowing who you are as a brand it's just a matter of knowing who you are as a brand like mcdonald's is a place that is catering to people

that that have problems dev issues you don't want it you want it you don't want to hear that mcdonald you think it's wholesome you think it's wholesome anymore i've watched people get their heads cracked on your floor these mcdonald's fight can we get a mcdonald's fight up please there's there's compilations on world star look at this this is the brand they're concerned with damaging yeah yeah let's go oh the fries wet this is the brand they don't want to damage what are they fighting over the filet of fish this is the whole staff this is the staff there we go there it is what's mcdonald's uh thing what is it what's it called i'm loving it i'm loving it

look at somebody at the drive through well there you go this is uh this is the brand that nobody wants damaged here uh it's a shithole and the people who eat there are desperate and have no hope that is your brand it is no longer like a nice brand where young families go uh if you're taking your kid to mcdonald's on the weekends it is now knowing what you know now is literally child abuse you are abusing your child and the state should take your child from you if you go more than once a year our parents used to take us all the time and everybody i know is a morbidly obese drug addict because of that okay so the reality is uh mcdonald's is a grotesquery and anyone participating in it

i kind of want it now though that i've been talking about it for a little bit but i mean this idea that they don't like that their brand is being in for i mean it it's just it's just such a fucking like complete misunderstanding of who eats at your restaurant and why truly and who works that who's working there it's a joke working at mcdonald's means that things are not good you do not care about the cardi b meal and the music that uh the offensive lyrics to the song when you're working at mcdonald's trust me you've got bigger fish to fry bigger filet of fish to fry everybody in america right now is bald and it's disgusting go to keeps to keep the hair that you have on your hair so many of my friends were losing their hair and i said stop it but then they did they took

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did they think of or have to sue did you know that you can sue when you're in an accident to be made whole did you know that you're not suing the person that hit you rather their insurance company did you know that you don't need a lot of money to hire a lawyer not everyone does if you're ever injured you can check out morgan and morgan morgan and morgan is america's largest injury law firm they have over 100 offices nationwide and more than 800 lawyers with over 15 billion dollars recovered for clients morgan and morgan has a proven track record of fighting to get you full and fair compensation submitting an injury claim with morgan and morgan it's so easy it's more like using an app than hiring a lawyer if you're ever injured in an accident

you can check out morgan and morgan their fee is free unless they win for more information go to for the people dot com slash tim well i like to say that for the people dot com slash tim or dial pound law pound 529 from your cell phone that's f or the people dot com slash tim or pound law pound 529 from yourself you can even do it in your car after the accident if you can still you know you just remember that pound five two nine california has a share of problems and really the reality is florida is the next uh this is the thing right so i mean this is by the way so this is a video of the lifestyle in florida and how it differs from california and how it is beautiful and it is welcoming and let's just take a look here at again zero taxes uh beautiful climate florida

it's terrifying video of an alligator moving in for the kill he's about to attack an unsuspecting 85 year old grandmother walking her dog by a lake the horrifying drama at a retirement community in fort pierce florida was caught on a wildlife camera oh my god the alligator's daughter the victim's frantic neighbor can be heard on this just released 911 call an alligator has a woman how big is it it's a huge gator it's huge i don't have any things to get around the call was made by 76 year old carol thomas who was watching from her lake front home as gloria surge was attacked while walking her beloved dog trooper she was walking her little dog and the gator grabbed the dog and took her down is she alive all right yes she's alive

she's holding her hand she's holding her hand away she fetched this pole to try to pull the stricken woman to shore it's too late oh my god oh no i was trying to stick a pole out for her and i was calling you at the same time and i she's gone okay she's gone it's horrible for her family no state income tax what does this do you think in la the cops aren't coming anymore the police aren't coming yeah they're considering not sending them to a whole bunch of calls sounds good sounds good florida ronda santas i'm gonna fuck an old woman in florida and live with her because this state can go to hell it it is a disgusting it is snowing and hailing and it is a nightmare and

everybody's like it's a leg yeah it's the vibes in a leg city it's about sex in a leg sex baby you gotta sell a leg and it's hailing and snowing and a homeless person is smearing their bloody shit on the fucking window and it is a night they are robbing people in broad daylight here they're hopping in your car putting a gun in your head and saying thank you florida i'm going to florida it is uh it's not even warm anymore it's not even and everyone is has stock home syndrome they're like well it's gonna get better it's gonna get better it's gonna get better it's gonna this is like a freak thing it's a freak thing it's gonna get better of course it'll get better in the spring though it's the whole fucking point everywhere is nice the

fucking spring christ almighty and now they're the cops aren't even gonna come to and and listen sometimes that's good because the la pd is not exactly the best they're not exactly always on point but you would you know if somebody calls so what what what what is it here's the list in its entirety can be found below these are these are things cops won't come to now some of them might it might make sense let's see non-criminal and or nonviolent homeless and public quality of life calls okay so that might be interesting and nonviolent or non-criminal homeless quality so like i have a homeless person in my yard we don't need to send the cops for that we you can just reason with the violence schizophrenic and see what happens non-criminal mental health calls

make sense there's a guy on your street going like this what's the problem with that what's the problem with that some of them they walk up down the street and they're literally talking to someone who's not there like oh fuck you go far up for your water and you go yeah what's the problem with that what's the problem with that send a send a a social worker send somebody there to be like how are you feeling nonviolent calls for services at city parks sure i don't know what that means under the influence calls alcohol and or drugs where there is another no crime in progress so someone who is on out who is drinking or really drugged up and you might go hey i'm at the park and i have my kids

here and there's a crazy homeless man who seems to be on many many drugs and they go have a nice day hey non-fatal vehicle accidents interesting okay parking violations driveway tow abandoned vehicles person dumping trash vicious and dangerous dog complaints where no attack is in progress okay calls for service for loud noise loud music or party calls that are anonymous or have no victim landlord tenant disputes laudering trespassing with no indication of danger so you let them come in you let them come in trespassing with no indication of yeah i just wanted to see taylor swift's yard i just wanted to see it i like that

code 30 alarm response syringe disposal that makes sense just hi there's somebody who keeps throwing syringes in my shut up hi someone keeps throwing syringes in my uh defecating urinating in public look at 28 28 suspicious cirks possible dead body where no indication of foul play great leave the body there leave the body there why get the pigs involved with a dead body why call the cops over a dead body it's california the greatest state in the nation and this idiot gavin Newsom really thinks he's going to run for president this like middle-aged fuckboy retard believes he's going to run for president the state is a laughing stock it's a national embarrassment and a joke everyone hates it and i know people like someone in his orbit

they kind of chat chat a little he thinks he's got like a shot and brought maybe elon does too because that's why elon moved tesla back here so that maybe he thinks within four to eight years there will be a new some presidency and he can hand them all those free contracts government contracts i don't really know but i mean this is just hilarious most californian voters don't want news him to run for president 70 percent of voters don't want to run for president they should want him to run away i mean this is like hilarious here a dead body they may not send police for a dead body who do you call uber eats i mean who would you call post may we're gonna send people without guns or without weapons in our police okay so union reps say the establishment of an

unarmed response protocol will help with the police department's chronic understaffing problem and allow police to focus on the actual job of responding to emergencies not these things like some drunk defecating person next to a dead body that's fine the decision to trim back armed responses by sworn officers is an alternative policing approach that has been deployed in other major cities to varying levels in the wake of wide-scale civil unrest caused by deadly police slaying of civilians right so basically the decision to trim this back as twitter we decided that it would make twitter happy and uh we thought people were tweeting so this is good in virginia armed officers have responded like here's my thing i also don't think that you need cops in every situation all

the time but there's a lot of fucking things there that probably could use police there's a lot of things there where somebody's heavily intoxicated or being suspicious something weird something bad is about to happen something bad may happen and the idea that you're going to get rid of any type of police response and the people are not going to be armed they're not going to be you're just going to let things get to a point where it's going to be very difficult to deal with them after they've happened that's what's going to happen when you when you're basically saying we're going to ignore something until someone gets stabbed or someone gets shot or there is an altercation it's not good you don't you know and i know that everybody's like well they're just running

around streets killing people listen there's we got to get better with the training with cops you know at least lori made it fun see lori made it fun gavin doesn't even make it fun lori made it fun lori made you rooted for the chaos with lori right i rooted for lori you know i rooted for her she's a figure that you root for because she is a mom boss and now she must take her place amongst the shadows in the shadows and she must launch full-scale attacks like the riddler on gotham city there must be no fucking let up lightfoot you were to continue to raise hell you were not to fall back but it's it's just amazing i just the idea of like lori lightfoot on a lesbian cruise playing shuffleboard cheating and then having someone go what did lori do they

go she was the mayor of chicago she was the criminal mayor of chicago of a great american city um yeah i mean this is so funny well listen god bless i mean this is what this is what you get right it's like hey maybe it'll work maybe it'll work maybe ignoring the dead bodies will work i don't know i mean there's you know you would you would think that it wouldn't uh be perfect but you know what do i know maybe this is not um maybe this is not as bad as it seems you know this is a this is a state where people should experiment i was up in the pacific northwest recently and the thing about the pacific northwest is that it is uh insane and a lot of the city is up there you know again it's just something about the west coast there's just something about the west coast

where people are a bit off maybe it's when you leave so cal you don't get a lot of vitamin d when you go up there you get almost no vitamin d something about the people is a bit off and uh you know they they kind of like it they like it the way it is you know where it's just like endless tent cities and a lot of mentally unstable people in the streets and like downtowns being overrun with junkies and crime it's like hey man you know if it led to if you're into it you're into it like that's my thing it's like if you're into it you're into it i'm not going to tell you what to be into it's like you know i'm not going to kink shame you do what you do if you get off on the idea that there's a bunch of psychopaths running around in downtown of your

city and you're like a young professional but it makes you feel better about yourself which i guess it does these people they feel better about themselves they're going and they're like i believe it's they're right to do whatever they want to stab me again uh these people should be able to just this is what they want these are the areas they've created they keep voting for this shit they keep they want it i don't know what to say it seems not good you know when i go and i see all the crazy people running around the streets ago this seems unsustainable but then you'll talk to people and they go well actually it's so much better than it was you know there's they've removed a few of the tents and i think that uh we're heading in the right direction you know they can't

take the people's stuff though because you see that woman there i mean that's her thing so the cop shouldn't be able to move her things and occasionally she goes nuts and then runs into traffic but this is her right you know this is what this is who she is and why would we like stop her from behaving that way and you know they're just like eating like organic food in a place and then you know as people walk by and as the end of the world just marches on outside the end of the world just marches past people and they just go well you know i just think that there's very complicated it's a very strange situation you're like well maybe you could just you know bust up these things and get these people to fuck out and well it's actually harder than that because a lot of people

they're trying and it's very difficult there's a lot of problems it's very layered i'm like well that guy's shooting heroin in front of me and maybe that's less complicated he's shooting heroin he's using heroin maybe that's why he's homeless because he's doing heroin well it's actually the rents have gone up their rents are higher i know they are but he's doing heroin right now and now he's attacking a woman i know but there's a lot of price late stage capital i know that's not great that's certainly not ideal but now he's choking that woman to death you see i'm choking her to death over there do you think that requires some immediate response well there's an unarmed civilian force that can be dealing with that and they'll go to him and they'll

assess where you know it's like oh god just let him have it they're fucking let him have i'm i'm sick of arguing with these fucking people and that might mean you'll have to live in a fucking right wing nightmare we're fucking nobody gets abortions and they ban anything that's cool and you're just you know you're living in the fucking like like some weird theocracy i don't know but i mean uh you know it's just uh it's getting silly it's getting silly in this place and i don't know what to tell people other than just fucking like i don't know folks figure it out you know figure your stuff out but if you're a mcdonald's franchisee the last thing you have to worry about is a fucking cardy bean meal enough will you stop

please act like it's a country club well we're the barf people will be very offended by the we must have a wholesome image here at mcdonald's this is where people buy fucking pills in our parking lot what about the drug dealers who sell percocet in our parking lot here in fucking ohio they're gonna be upset i don't think they'll have cheeseburgers anymore if they find out someone who's selling cheeseburgers said the word pussy in a song and you do these people live on fucking earth do they live on fucking earth people are giving birth in your bathroom they're having children in the bathroom and those are your employees so i wouldn't worry about it tindallandcomedy.com for all your tickets uh to any live events let's

tell people where i'm going to be i'm in oklahoma city this week and this is coming out saturday so if you're not there already fuck you but oklahoma city march 9 through the 11th i'm in palm beach florida uh the great palm beach maybe the greatest city in the united states the richest they are getting mad in palm beach now because the old money is fighting with the new york new money the old palm beach women wear the lily Pulitzer and the pearls and it's very colorful and these new new york uh dykes are coming in there with all black and flat hair and they look super trendy and they're not fucking assimilating assimilate this see this is what i mean palm beach you better build that wall because the new york money is coming in and they're being cunts

palm beach florida uh thanks i'm sorry not Thanksgiving um uh the fucking day for the my people to mix st patrick's day i'll be in napa california it's our rescheduled date because of the flooding and the hell napa california raleigh the 24th and the 25th raleigh april 7th prior lake minnesota april 8th grand rapids michigan thursday april 13th englewood new jersey april 14th huntington new york 15th of april new brunswick new jersey uh sunday april 16th huntington new york again april 21st peoria illinois the 22nd kansas city missouri the 28th portland oregon the 29th tecoma washington and i didn't mean anything i said about the west coast i didn't mean it but i think maybe some of the people uh coming to see with me will agree with me

i do not know uh we support cardi bean offset and their uh meal i think mcdonnell should do like the most controversial meal kanya west would be a very controversial meal but i think they do you know what if they got to give everybody some do the kyle rittenhouse meal that's what it's lacking do a kyle rittenhouse meal okay and the kyle rittenhouse meal would be like a big mac uh fucking cheese curds because he was from wisconsin right kanosha wisconsin so it'd be a big mac uh some cheese curds and a fucking i don't know a mcflurry yeah he's a little bit of a porker he's a little bit of a chubby he's a fatty boon baddie he's lost some weight though but yeah mcflurry a big mac and some cheese curds the kyle rittenhouse meal and that way they should

just do one meal that will appeal to inner city youth which is a huge demo and then another meal to appeal to white trash another one of those are the two demos of mcdonnell's inner city stomp on her face violent youth coming from the high school and white trash cousin fuckers who will eat the kyle rittenhouse meal those are your demograph not like oh like what is mcdonnell's things happening like a wholesome family is sitting there and you're like hello this is mcdonnell's we're all gonna have a nice time together that's not what's happening it's not it's i'm like single mother that's just like fucking beating the shit out of her kid she's like i'm telling you these people are out of it do the kyle rittenhouse meal we should we should do

that we should fucking i'll tweet at them i'll go how about you do a fucking kyle rittenhouse meal you fucking losers well anyway folks we appreciate you listening we'll see you on patreon.com the tim dylan show uh live tickets are on sale we're having so much fun doing stand up all around the country um so it'd be great to see you guys there and um we hope you are doing well we'll see you soon