The Tim Dillon Show - 339 - Baby's Gotta Go

Episode Date: March 25, 2023

Tim opens up about an odd exchange at an LA comedy club, the dirty laundry at the Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial and why the TikTok congressional hearings have fast food roots. Live Shows: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Merch: https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Netflix special: https://www.netflix.com/watch/81616382 SPONSORS: Honey: https://www.honey.com/TimDillon Magic Spoon: MagicSpoon.com/TimDillon Bespoke Post: BoxOfAwesome.com & use code 'timdillon' Manscaped: Manscaped.com & use code 'TIMD' ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃:   Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/   Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon   Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show, special edition, no glasses today. I, because I'm not high on OxyContin, when I wear the glasses, it's because I'm on heroin as some people in the comments have pointed out that I'm a junkie and I'm wearing neglect, not because the lights burn my eyes and I have a tick. I have an eye twitch MTS motor tick syndrome where I sometimes eyes roll back and people go, are you having a stroke or do you hate us? And I'm like, no, I have an eye tick. This is just what it is. It comes out when I'm tired or whatever. Um, when I'm angry and I'm a little perturbed, a

little bit, not crazy mad, but I just did a show at the comedy store and I don't like to speak bad of anything or anyone. That's a big part of what I avoid here is not trying to speak bad about anybody or anything or any club. I net. Have I ever spoken negatively about an institution? No. And listen, I like the police. Many good people at the comedy store, like the cops. Many good people are there and they're just doing their job like the people who put Jews in camps, just doing their job. But I did a Tim Dillon and friend show, which I, we sold out in about 30 seconds. And I, and

the Tim Dillon friend show, what it is is, uh, you, you, your friends, whoever's there, spade, who's ever in town, Greg Fitzsimmons, who's ever around Annie, who's ever around comes and does the show. It's not a big deal. It's fun. People come out, they see it. I go on last and it's fun. And the first of all, like the night before they're texting me, they're like, what's the lineup? Who's, what's the like? Do you have a lineup? Do you have a running order? Do you have a lineup or a running order? Who's going to get on this stage? Who's going to, you have a lineup? Hey, hey, hey, hey. We sold the tickets. Relax. Yeah, I have a lineup.

It's everyone you banned. They're back. So I'm, I'm doing this delicately. Jordan's Lobster Island Park. Phenomenal. So I'm sitting there. My godson's family comes in. My godson whom I love. My godson, my, my godson's father was a fan of the podcast who I didn't know super well, but decided that because I'm single, gay, and without a family that if he made me the godson of his son, I would give the kid money in the form of a college fund, which I do, which is, it was a good move. If you know someone who's wealthy and doesn't have children of their own, just go, you're the god, but they showed up once in my house in Palm Springs. I said,

come on out. We'll have a lunch. They came out with an Asian baby and said, you are any, there was a note written saying, uncle Tim, will you be my godfather? And I had, you know what I mean? I just bought like the Range Rover. So they were like, and what are you going to do? It's like a little baby. If it was a white kid, I would have went, eh, but he's Asian. He's high end, top of the line, top of the line. His family brings him in to the green room, his mother, his father, and the baby. And it's a wholesome event. The baby's running around. He's doing whatever we're all, you know what I mean? Halfway through, I don't know who these

people are now at the com. The comedy store is now hired people that used to work at San Quentin, the prison. And I don't know what's going on over there. Okay. But they've hired like these big hulking brutes. These like log, loggers. They're like guards. They're like guards. And it's, and nobody knows who anyone is, and nobody knows who I am. I'm like, I'm the one who's put the, sold the tickets to the show. So they're like, at least Rogan's club, they're Navy SEALs. They have actual authority. They've killed people on behalf of the government. I'll listen to them. Who are these people? So they have these hulking brutes walking around. Okay. And one of them, and again,

this is all nice and respectful. This is respectful. This is the, trust me, it's a respectful round. I'm sitting in the show that I've sold out at the comedy club, could have done it at the improv, could have done it at the laugh factory, could have done it at flappers, could have not done it, could have not done it, could have not done it, could have done it at the comedy mothership, which I'm doing on Monday. I'll go right down to Austin with the guns. We got the guns. Okay. So I'm sitting in the green room. Uh, some actor caters friends with me came or was like a new friend of mine, but he's, and I think he's on like heroin or something, but that's okay.

That's all right. It's not a big deal. He came in with his friends with some other dude. He's like, where's the bathroom? They just both went into the bathroom. So I'm like, well, they're sucking each other over doing heroin. Now it's going to sound like I've done the wrong. Now he was going to side with the club. I haven't even gotten to the part. So there was a little shady behavior that I had no idea. I just, I invite people sometimes that are famous, kind of, right? They're kind of famous. I don't know what they're doing. They're on heroin, maybe they're on oxycontin, whatever. I think they're crushing up stuff. I don't, it's not my business, but that's not even what they're mad at. So I'm sitting there and then the hulking brute

comes in and he goes, the baby's got to go. Oh, excuse me. He goes, the baby's got to go now. He's got to go. He points at my Chinese two year old god son and goes, the baby's got to go now. He's got to go now. Him. Him. So I go, wait, what's going on? What's he doing? And he goes, well, it's a rule. We have licenses and nightclub. He can't be here. It would be a $500,000 fine. And I'm like, really, really? Because he stopped in in a green room. Really? Don't you have lawyers? There's no one have lawyers here, but whatever. I would have respected the idea that you can't have the baby in the green room because they just stopped in again. They're stopping in to say hello.

I would have respected that idea, but it was the way it was delivered. It was the way the message was delivered. This weird, like aggressive posture that they take. By the way, a lot of people produce shows there. I talked to Lewis Gomez about it all the time. They make you feel like a criminal when you produce a show at that club. They make you feel like a criminal. Maybe that's part of the fun. Hashtag mothership. The point is this. I was sitting there. I have a Chinese person. You fucking white devil who works at a comedy club. Whitey. I have a Chinese child, the golden child. Have you ever seen that with Eddie Murphy? The great thing where they got to bounce himself on the beams and then drink the water and the fire goes out. Maybe you should

start thinking about the fucking prophecy. So whatever, somebody, I don't know. I've never seen this person. Apparently they work at the comedy store. They were probably like removed from Enterprise Rent-A-Car for attacking a customer. And now they are doing the security of the green room and kicking out everybody who's under 21. That's new energy, huh? So the point is we're having fun. Now, so he goes, the bit, the bit, the baby's got to go. I'm like, okay, I'm sitting there. I'm like, the baby's got to go. So then the baby goes. Then the baby doesn't care because my godson wanted to go to mothership. He told me, I want to go to mothership. He's a huge fan of Schultz. And I go, no, but come to the comedy store. We have comedians who've been in comedy 75 years.

And he goes, it's gonna be fun. So, so my Chinese godson is evicted. He's kicked out of the, like literally the guy stands there. He stands there until the child is picked up and he like walks them out. And the booker comes in, who's sweet? I like, who's a nice person. She's a sweet woman, a beef with her, but she's there to like, I guess smooth it out or like, and she's like, well, you know, it's like, he's, you know, he's a baby. And I'm like, okay, okay, fine, fine, fine. This kid, Justin, who's a young comic in LA, is in the green room. He's a funny kid. He was big on TikTok. And then they banned him for like, making fun of like, I don't know, the TikTokers that have bull, like Addison Ray or whoever

these people are. The D'Amelio is called China. You got him kicked off TikTok. They call Presidency. But he's like a nice kid and he's a young guy. And New York being from New York, again, I'm from New York. Like somebody told me we were sitting in the green room at the Improv the other night, and they go, is it embarrassing that you move to Austin and then move back? I said, no, no, no, I hate, I don't care about anyone here. I don't respect anyone here. And all of this can burn. Truly, I don't love Austin, but all my friends live in Austin and New York. I don't give a shit about this place at all. And it could all burn. And it was a little awkward. I was in the green room with all the comics, but that's the way I feel. I like like six people here kind of.

So I don't care. So the reality is I'm sitting there and the reality is I'm sitting there at this kid, Justin's there. And I said to Justin, I'm like, yeah, do a guest spot. You know, that's what in New York, if somebody comes and hangs out, you give them, sometimes you'll throw my guest spot. It's like the right thing to do. It's like a good thing to do. You know what I mean? Now apparently this has like confused the people at the club who are like, who, who's he? And he looks young, right? He's a young kid. He's like 19 or 20. And he then, one of the, one of these prison guards, one of the corrections team asks him how old he is. And he goes, and he's a little bit of a wise ass. He's a comedian. He's a wise ass. He goes, I'm 13. It's funny. It

was funny. And then the guy goes, show me your ID. He IDs the guy in the room. That's the energy of that's the vibe there. It's like, it's like a strange vibe. Then I get out and start to do comedy. Now they had a show at 10 and they lit me like five minutes into my set, which is weird. And then I still pushed it. I did probably 20 minutes. What do you think I did? I did 20. I would have done longer, but it was like a weird, there was a weird energy and a weird vibe. Not with the audience. They were amazing, but they lit me so early into my set that they were kind of like, we have a, we have a 10 o'clock show. And I'm like, that's great. You have a 10 o'clock show, but it's also like nine. I got on at what nine 15. Yeah. Right. So it's like, if I'm off stage

by nine 40, we should be able to flip the room. You know? So again, I just don't, I didn't, and it just happened. This is the only reason I'm talking about it. It's not like lodged in my mind. I don't care. I'm just saying, I didn't love the vibe. Do you think I was wrong? My reaction with the vibe there was odd. They approached you in a pretty graceless way. It was a weird way to do it. It's a weird way to do it. It wasn't cool at all. It's odd. It's just strange. Don't make me go down to Texas, get the guns. Come back with the guns. I just don't understand the behavior. The show is at 10 30 actually. So they, they booted you 45 minutes early. It's a city where everyone's incompetent and no one can work. So apparently people need 75 minutes to switch, flip the room.

How do I do it? He's gotta go. The baby's gotta go now. The baby's gotta go. You've got a Chinese baby in here. He's a spy. They're hiring like cooks that got like removed from Denny's because of like an altercation. That's the energy, you know? And I'm sure they're all lovely people. I'm sure one of my friends, Colm, a comedian from New York, Colm, to relative to each other, made some joke about like a waitress or whatever that didn't go over. And maybe Colm did the wrong thing. I don't know. He's Irish, like me. Maybe there's a little anti Irish buzz. Don't love that. He does a little anti Irish sentiment but Colm, supposedly somebody walked up to Colm and went, I want to curb stomp you.

One of the staff was like, I want to curb stomp you again. I took the Lewis Gomez event. We all love the store. It's a legendary historic place, but it's weird when you produce a show there and you treated like a criminal odd weird hands. Listen, weird hands. It's strange and I'm not making a big deal out of it. I'm just saying, what am I not going to talk about it? I'm speaking about it because I want to, but I'm not making a big fuss. I'm just saying it was an odd moment when you're screaming at a toddler in the green room. The only thing they didn't bring up was that the actor is doing dope in the back bathroom, which that is something that I, you know, I don't know. I don't even know if that was happening. I'm kidding, but I don't, I don't know. That was

the only thing they could have maybe brought up. You had a couple of kids with heroin back there. I would have went, I don't know. They're not my God children. Honey, today's episode is sponsored by honey. It's an easy way to save when shopping on your iPhone or computer. Thanks to honey manually searching for coupon codes and the thing in the past, honey is the free shopping tool that scours the internet for promo codes and applies the best one it finds to your cart. Imagine you're shopping on one of your favorite sites when you click checkout, the honey button appears and all you have to click is apply coupons. The easiest thing in the world and it does save you money. Wait a few seconds as honey searches for coupons it can find for the

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scree ski crash tells court he was emotionally abusive. This is what's really good. Gwyneth Paltrow was skiing down a hill and like knocked into a guy who's now claiming he has all these problems, right? And then they got his daughter to go on the stand and trash him. It's great to have money like Gwyneth Paltrow. That's goop money. She has that store where she sells insane products to people like a candle that smells like a pussy. Someone said once, I forget, but somebody said it's similar like the info war store. Like with just like she looked like things on the info war store. I'll be like, this is a ward off demons and her thing will say the same thing. The civil trial between Gwyneth Paltrow and Terry Sanderson entered day two. By the way, can you imagine

like this trial? Like I don't think it's a jury trial because it's civil, but it may be. It might be. I mean, how fun would this be to just be on the Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial? Like what a great trial to be on because nothing matters. You know what I mean? Whoever wins like they're both pieces of shit. Like, and I'm sure she's a lovely person disclaimer, but like her like, you don't feel bad for Gwyneth Paltrow, right? And you don't really feel bad for this scumbag who's trying to like blame her for whatever he's has now like Parkinson, whatever he's like claiming she gave him the civil trial between Gwyneth Paltrow and Terry Sanderson entered day two on Wednesday and the room heard how the retired optometrist was known as quote emotionally abusive and quick

to anger prior to the 2016 incident. Lawyers for the Oscar nominated actress, that's essential, huh? Lawyers for the Oscar nominated actress read a testimony which was provided by Terry Sanderson's daughter, Jenny Sanderson during their cross examination of witness Dr. Wendell Gibby. The radiologist had earlier testified that Mr. Sanderson 76 had a strained relationship with his family following the accident in the Deer Valley resort in Park City, Utah, which is hilarious that that's what he's claiming. He's claiming that the injuries he's suffered made him a piece of shit to his children. He's like, well, I, Gwyneth, one day Gwyneth Paltrow, by the way, who's what all of what is she 170 Pat like 50 Pat like supposedly she knocks into the guy and he's

older. So probably, you know, she's got velocity behind her, but then he's claiming that he just started like not caring about his family. I love. So here, if you go up here, it says that like during his cross examination attorney James Egan question whether Dr. Gibby was familiar with the claims made in Ms. Sanderson's deposition, which had called her dad domineering and easily frustrated. Her testimony claims she did not feel loved or nurtured by her dad before also describing how he was verbally abusive towards her and her mom. According to Mr. Egan, Ms. Sanderson said her dad had always been frustrated and quick to act. I love that the daughter is testifying against the father like the fathers like Gwyneth Paltrow knocked knocked me over at a ski resort. Since then,

I've been unable to be a father to my children. And then his daughter gets on the stand and goes, you've been scum forever. You've genuinely been like a horrible father since the day I was born. Ms. Sanderson also told her dad how she didn't have a relationship. She said that they never had a relationship. Like for 13 years, they didn't have one. Dr. Gibby told how he couldn't recall details of the deposition, but did say he knew of Ms. Sanderson being angry with the man said to be having an affair with his wife. Wait, Dr. Gibby told how he couldn't recall all the details of the deposition, but did say he knew of a Mr. Sanderson being angry with the man said to be having an affair with his wife.

This is such an odd case because it's a guy who's claiming that a ski accident made him like weird and distant around his children. It was claimed Mr. Sanderson had hit the other man, but Dr. Gibby said he thought this behavior was atypical of the plaintiff. Earlier, Dr. Gibby told the court Mr. Sanderson's relationship with his family had only gotten worse after the crash. He also said the injuries sustained by Mr. Sanderson could not plausibly have been caused by him crashing into her. By the way, what a worthless trial. What a worth, what even is happened? Like how does this get into the court system?

What a worthless insane trial. Like if I was impaneled, I would love it because I've done nothing going on. I don't care. But like if you had anything real in your life, you know, and you had to listen to this shit every day, like two people at a ski resort, the, I mean, God help us. The trial is expected to last up to eight days. And Gwyneth might testify. She was looking somewhere else blindly skiing down the mountain while looking up. This was reckless. Mr. Sanderson is seeking damages of 300,000 for a brain injury, four broken ribs, and other serious injuries. Ms. Paltrow, meanwhile, has fired a counterclaim

in which she is seeking legal fees and damages of a dollar. It's really one of the stupidest things to ever go to trial. 300K is nothing to her. She's just doing this for the point. She could just settle with him for something. It's such a, I mean, I love this. Gwyneth Paltrow's ski collision trial enters third day. Can you, do you think the judge at any time goes, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, like the middle of the testament goes, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what the fuck are we doing here? What is going on? I can't deal with this anymore. We're trying to ban TikTok. This is wild. They're trying to get rid

of TikTok because it is a tool of the Chinese surveillance state and not the American surveillance state. They're trying to get rid of TikTok, the one where everybody dances because they're saying that China bite data, I think, bite something that owns TikTok and the TikTok CEO Xiao Chu was grilled by lawmakers. And they say TikTok's like the biggest problem. It's the bad one. They're like, this is the bad one. Unlike Facebook, which my aunt went on looking at casserole recipes and is now full QAnon and is strange from her family. That's the good site. That's the site that doesn't have any problems. Facebook where people are eulogizing their dead dogs and threatening members of the government on it. Some of that's probably a little justified,

but Facebook is truly, I've never seen something as damaging to America than Facebook. TikTok, it's hard to get radicalized on TikTok because it moves so quick. So it's kind of just like a boom, boom, next, next, next. And it just feels like it's kind of silly and what social media should be. And I know people have become big stars on it, a few of them, and people use it to market themselves. And yes, the Chinese are spying. That's also true, but you know, we're also spying. So people are trying to get rid of it. TikTok itself is not available in mainland China and we're headquartered in Los Angeles and Singapore, and we have 7,000 employees in the U S today. He said in his opening remarks, this is the CEO. He was basically like, listen, because

I think what we're trying to do is like force maybe more U S ownership of TikTok, you know, because it doesn't operate in China. And the Chinese government like enjoy significant leverage over businesses that are under the jurisdiction of China and bite dance, which is not bite data, bite dance. So that's indirectly TikTok could be forced to cooperate with a broad range of security activities, including the possibility of the data on TikTok. So what people are worried about is the Chinese government harvesting the data from TikTok and using it to, I don't know. I don't truly know. Like president Z is going to be sitting there going, who's this Bryce Hall? What's going on with the TikTokers versus YouTubers fighting? Who's going to win?

What do you think? But apparently it is. I mean, there's location data. There's facial recognition data. I'm not blind to the idea of this. It's just a little late. The cat's out of the bag a little bit. Everything you use, every single thing you use takes all of your data, takes all your information. Every single thing. People upload the photos of their families, their houses, every single thing. Sometimes in a Facebook fight or something, like a guy'll be like, this is my location. Come meet me. Come meet me. I'll kill you. I'll kill you. So we're having an argument about charter schools. So why don't you show up to my house and I'll kill you. Here's where I live. Here's my address. Facebook should be banned. Ban them all. But Facebook should go.

Zuckerberg should, and he goes in front of Congress all the time and they're like, what are you up to? And he's like, well, I think that what we're trying to do, and you could tell, you could tell it just way over his head. He didn't know. He just wanted to get his dick wet. And now the Russia and everybody else is on there. Everybody's on there. You know, the Oath Keepers, the 3%, every militia in the world's on there with the Facebook page. My aunts in all of them probably, but like I've seen people get truly radicalized on Facebook. So if they're going to get rid of TikTok, they're going to get rid of this thing, which I don't care because I don't really have any followers on TikTok. Tim J. Dillon on TikTok.

Go follow that. But I don't really do anything on TikTok. I tried. I tried. I'm 38. What am I going to do? I tried. I tried for a little bit. It's just not, you know, you got to tap out. At a certain point, you got to tap out. You don't like this. Don't watch. That's all. There's nothing, you know what I mean? Like there's a certain point you have to tap out. Like I've seen, I get it. And some of them do well. Some of the older people on TikTok do well. But you know, it's just not, it's an app that's not for people and they're heading towards 40. It's not an app for people coasting towards 40 in my estimation. It's just not, it is fun. It's a lot of cringe stuff on there. You could look at a lot of crazy people doing shit. The algorithm is addictive.

Yes, it's addicted our kids. Yes. You know, it's not good. It's probably not overall. It's probably not good. What's good? What's the good one? Is Instagram good with women with the five needles in their lips? Is that the good one? Is that the one that's good for the kids, where people shave their fucking pictures into like, they crop themselves into aliens and then kids try to try to look like that. What's the good one? Twitter? Is that the good one? Where everybody's fighting about everything all the time? Or Facebook? Where boomers who are having operations and are somehow still alive are like going through a litany of like, it's like casserole recipes and like blatantly racist, you know, fucking tirades about their

neighborhood. The cab driver was Mexican again. Well, whatever the hell, like, is that, is that the good one? Which one of these is good again? Because we have to pretend one of them's good. If we're going to kick this one off, we have to be like, whoa, it does it. It's not. It's classy. The Instagram. I just don't know. Somebody goes like this, to the American people watching today, hear this. TikTok is a weapon of the Chinese Communist Party to spy on you, manipulate what you see, and exploit for future generations. There's probably some of that happening. But I don't, you know, at the end of the day, it's like, yes, is this a long game to weaken the American, yeah, maybe, but it's like, hey, man, we're doing a great job of that. We're doing a

phenomenal job of that ourselves. That doesn't mean you shouldn't monitor this shit or whatever, but then you have the senators like, what is this thing? Does this have Wi-Fi? What exactly is Mr. Zhu Qingqiao? Qingqiao Xingzhu, tell me what your company does. Are you watching my babies change? Are you turning them in from, are you turning my babies into my, my men into ladies and my ladies into mans? Is that what you're doing? Let's watch this guy here. I love bespoke posts because I like giving people gifts to keep on giving. And what bespoke posts is, is you get a box for somebody, box of awesome, and then it comes every single month to them. And the box is all kinds of unique things that they're into. And whether it's for you or a friend, you fill it, you take a quiz,

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To just tick tock access the home Wi-Fi network. Yeah, only if the user turns on the Wi-Fi. I'm sorry. I may not understand. So if I have a tick tock app on my phone and my phone is on my home Wi-Fi network, does tick tock access that network? It will have to access the network to get connections to the internet. If that's the question. Is it possible then that it could access other devices on that home Wi-Fi network? Congressman, we do not do anything that is beyond any industry norms. I believe the answer to your question. Are you getting to the toaster or not? Can it fuck with the toaster? Yes or no? I'm asking you a direct question, Zhao Jing, Zhao Jing, Zhu Baoyogong. Let me ask you a question.

Our kids were doing great before this app came along. They were shooting up schools and doing heroin. At least tick tock's getting them to dance. At least tick tock's getting the kids to dance. I'm not saying it's a good, but it's funny that like we're playing, it's again, it's China, it's always Chinese people, the Russians or the Chinese. Every problem in America has to do with Russians or Chinese people. Nothing has to do with American government, parenting, value systems. Everything's something that came from China or Russia to fuck us all up. Everything was going great with the American youth before tick tock. Everything was going swimmingly well with America. It's not our education system, which is a joke. It's not

a value system that, you know, tells kids that money is that, you know, all these new influencers, I saw Ethan Klein was talking to one of them, debating one of them, all these like crypto influencer kids who are like 24. And they're like, they're into Jesus. But, but for a little time, they took about God for a couple of minutes and then drop shipping for 90 minutes, like primarily drop shipping, a little bit of God. And it's all about like, it's like, you know, I made millions of dollars fucking drop shipping and fucking for God. That's for God. That's why I did that. Because God was like, fucking, do you get your, if you go to the gym and get, and we, you know, great, go to the gym. But like this, this, this new thing now, we're like, our children

are becoming like psychopaths. We're like watching these kids become like sociopaths. They're like, God told me to trade Luna. And I did. And I have seven cars, like Jesus said. And you're like, okay. So again, and maybe that's maybe that, I don't know, but some people like that. Some people think that's good. They go, well, that's a, you know, the TikTok is helping our kids. It's helping our kids become motivational speakers. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not, I'm not saying that TikTok is a universal good. Okay. The TikTok CEO is like, Hey, this is nothing else. We just want to go to war with China. We're just trying to go to war because our economies are like literally the news last week was like, the banks are, the banks are not,

the banks are not it anymore, folks. They're going down. The banks are. And then this week, they're like, the problems is China's TikTok. That's the problem. And TikTok, again, I'm not defending. I don't think it's a great idea to have kids on social media all day. I don't think that's a phenomenal move, right? Like, I don't think it's great. Like, but I also think like this myopic view where we look at like this company and say, this is corrupting our children and ignore the poison food. And we ignore like so many other things. And again, I don't care, ban it. I don't have any followers. It doesn't fucking bought, it doesn't fucking bother me. You can all fucking don't ban podcasting. Don't ban YouTube. Don't do that. But I love the things that they think

like universally good, you know, like universal good, you know, I don't know. It's like, so TikTok collects, I think roughly the same type of information as Facebook and Twitter. That's what they claim. They're saying like, Hey, you know, that's a lot of like data. It's the information about the videos you watch, comments you write, private messages you send. And so here's what they think it's doing. Get play the kid. I point identifies as a hawk. This is what this is what they're worried about. They think that China, and by the way, maybe China is doing it. I don't know. They're, they're saying that China is pushing these weird theories or whatever. So this is why they worry about people getting radicalized on TikTok. This is a person who is,

I don't know if this is real. I don't know anymore. I don't, I don't know what is and isn't real anymore. So if I play this and then you comment, this is actually a practical joke. I'll go, life is a practical joke. I don't know anymore. This is a person that is claiming to be, I believe a hawk, which is kind of cool. Now what people are worried about is maybe they think, and maybe this is true. China is making our children into hawks. So let's watch this. Okay. Is there anything more about this? This user, they have a lot of like neo pronoun.

So let's watch a neo pronoun post. Listen. I like this. Don't you kind of want your kid to be a hawk? Wouldn't Republicans like that, like, like hardcore right wing people, my kids not trained. They're a hawk. It's not great that many of our children think they're hawks, but I don't think that's a lot of them. But I will come out and say that. I will,

I will say this right now. And I don't think this will be a controversial point. And yet, I'm sure it will be. I don't believe it is a positive development in our society that some of our children are under the impression that they are birds. That is not a positive development in our society. There is a lot of mental illness on TikTok and I'm sure it spreads very easily, just like there's a lot of mental illness everywhere on all of these apps. And I'm not, I'm not saying that this is all, you know, great for the kids. But you know, again, let's watch some of the other because maybe I'm jumping to conclusions

here about the hawk. Okay, let's try this one. How common is it for systems to have like splitting patterns, like our system and at least one other system that we know of have patterns of like, there will be a few or several splits at once and then a period of time where there's none or very few and then another bunch of splits all at once. Is this normal? China doesn't understand this. China doesn't even get this. China has no idea what's going on. Let me tell you right now, the Chinese government has no idea what this is. If you play this for President Xi, he's going to go, what the fuck are they talking about? This, I don't know if this is being engineered by China. I don't know what they are probably like,

what the fuck? Because I don't play that again. I don't even, I can't even grasp it. How common is it for systems to have like splitting patterns, like our system and at least one other system that we know of have patterns of like, there will be a few or several splits at once and then a period of time where there's none or very few and then another bunch of splits all at once. Is this normal? How common is it? I think she's talking about like the splitting of like ideas, how things, there's like binaries, maybe. Does she mean like people's personality split after like extreme trauma and you could like become multiple personality disorder? Maybe it, maybe she's just like going super broad and like all concepts, how there's yes

and no and light and dark. What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? I don't know. All right, ban it, I guess. I changed my mind. All right, ban it. I didn't know. Don't do it just people going like this. I don't, I didn't know. I mean, they'll just go somewhere else and do this. I don't, what is the commitment to the, like the commitment to this is so wild, like the commitment to this, these, the neo pronoun thing. It's just, it's so, it's some, doesn't seem fun. Like the hippies in the sixties were like, we're fucking, we're doing drugs. We're rolling around in mud. This is like not fun. They're not fun. I know what neo pronouns are. Thank you. I'm aware of what they are.

You don't have to bring them up, but it just doesn't seem fun. You'd think being a hawk would be more fun than that. I am a hawk. It's doesn't seem fun. Like isn't it fun being a hawk? I am a hawk. Not animal, not all animal alters will identify this way. I mean, by the way, maybe they can't kick me off. Maybe they are just enjoying themselves. Is this, is this maybe a way to have fun? Play a video without having fun. There's got to be some, is there one thing where they're smiling There's got to be something where they're having fun. Being a hawk's got to be fun, right? The Disney, the Disney filter one. This seems fun. All right. Let's not, I don't want to, their TikTok's going to get blown up or whatever. I'm

sure the kids, this is going viral. I'm not doing this. But that's what they want. They're killing it. Good for you. Good for you. TikTok's impact on children, a key point of focus. New Jersey Democratic rep and member of mafia, Frank Perron, ranking member of the committee, for example, said Thursday, research has found out that TikTok's algorithms recommend videos to teens that create and exacerbate feelings of emotional distress, including videos promoting suicide, self-harm and eating disorder. Well, this is a problem. And I've talked about it. I have a bit kind of about it on stage where a lot of girls started acting like they were, they were, that they had Tourette's because they were on TikTok. There was a bunch of girls that like had like Tourette's. They pretended

to have Tourette's. And then the doctor told their mother, your daughter is a liar. She doesn't have Tourette's. It's fake. And then they had to take that car ride home from the fucking neurologist. And the mother had to be like, really? Really? You're faking that you have Tourette's syndrome at, you're just screaming the N word at breakfast for nothing because you want to have friends. That's a slur. Now, lonely kids that have problems go on TikTok and apparently they see some of it. Can we find any of the TikToks that like promote this type of stuff like self-harm or something? Because? Yeah, you want to see like the blackout challenge or something like that? What's, oh yeah, because these, I forget about the challenges, right? So the challenges will be like

licking the inside of your toilet. I'll give you a warning when you search it. Get around that. Tell them we want to die. Get around that warning. So these challenges are really destructive to kids. And this is what people are really upset about because okay, so here we go. One example is TikTok's blackout challenge. Encouraging its users, please, can you go back? Oh, that's it. So the TikTok blackout challenge, the families of two girls, so both alleged that both girls died from self-strangulation after they tried to partake in this TikTok challenge, the blackout challenge, which reportedly encourages its users to choke themselves with items like belts, ropes, purse strings, and so this is interesting.

All of these challenges, like where are they coming from? Maybe they're coming, are they coming from kids or are they coming from like bad actors, state actors? Like is China doing this? Is China like, let's see if we can get the kids to choke themselves? I don't know. Maybe they are, but I don't know. Or are some fucking crazy kids putting out these challenges and then other kids are going, I want to be cool. I want to go viral. Let, can we watch a blackout challenge, please? Yeah. Here we go. First one. This kid's like a child. He's not even blacking out. He's breathing. He's cheating.

You're not supposed to breathe. You're supposed to black the fuck out. Can our kids do nothing right? I don't see a problem with this. I don't see a problem with the kid on the side of the highway trying to make himself pass out. Four views. I don't. Kids have rights of passage. When we were kids, we used to throw eggs at a ballies, which was a gym in Long Island and people would be working out on the treadmill and we'd throw eggs at the glass, at the glass window and the people would like just see the eggs coming in and they would work out and we were doing that because we were fat activists and we were anti-abolism. We wanted to show them that no,

but we would, but it was a right of passage. Like we had a little group called the somebody's because Tim Allen did that movie, Joe, somebody, we stole the sign from the movie. We called ourselves as somebody's. It was really funny. A few of our friends who were in it are now deceased. But great kids had a lot of fun. We had a lot of fun and we would do pranks. We'd throw like stuff off, overpasses on cars and stuff, but not like, you know, but nobody ever got hurt. I think my friend one time there was a problem, but and we just threw, we occasionally would throw eggs at like, what is it with stuff? It was fun pranks, pranks, like fun pranks, nothing crazy. This is pranks. These are fun. This is the memories. These kids are going to talk about

like, remember when Jimmy was by the side of highway and he tried to make himself black out. Remember that? You know where he is now? He's dead. He died in a car accident. He was drinking, but he was a fun guy. Like, I don't see a problem that I don't see a problem with American children trying to black out for cloud. I think this is like something that we've all done at some point in our lives. What are some of the other challenges? Because this one's not even, I'm not even, I think they have like a teeth filing one as well. DIY teeth filing. This one, sure.

I'm going to file my teeth down with a nail file because I'm okay with this too. I have some ridges and we're falling on a budget. Do it yourselves. It's a TikTok trend that's making many people cringe. Do it. Filing teeth with a nail file. Do it. Guys, it's literally working. Wait, let me give myself some vampire teeth now. This DIY procedure is giving dentists a toothache. When I saw these videos, I almost fell off my chair. I think people have been in lockdown for a month. Yeah, because they're funny. We're all used to kind of cutting our own hair. Let it go. And maybe fine. Enough. All right. Enough. Listen. I have no issue with this. These kids, they're having fun. They're pretending to have Tourette's.

They're making themselves pass out. They're filing their teeth. They're kids. They're kids. They're pretending to be hawks. They're kids. This is fun. Dude, remember when your sister thought she was a hawk? She was a freak. We got to let them do it, man. We got to let them file their teeth. We got to let them pass out and die. We got to let them. We got to let them do it. They're kids. You know, we got to let them do it. It was another one of milk. Was there a milk challenge? That was a good one. If there's kids watching this show, I can't. I can't even do this joke anymore because YouTube keeps age gating everything. There was a milk challenge where I think you had to drink a lot

of milk. Well, the new one now or the one that the one I remember was like the gallon smashing and grocery stores, which was just making a mess. Oh, the gallon challenge. Yeah. Yeah. There's a drinking gallon. You know, we, you know, we, in school, once we swallowed, like tried to swallow a teaspoon of cinnamon, it's so hard. And we eat like a teaspoon of cinnamon. And then you start breathing like cinnamon. They're kids. They're smashing gallons of milk. They're passing out next to the highway. They're filing their teeth. They're children pretending to have to rats. This is a goof. This is fun. Your kid is sitting at the table with your kid. They're going, fuck shit. End word. It's, it's fun. Like stop being so sensitive about everything.

This is the data that China wants. I mean, it's, by the way, if China is doing this, I mean, hilarious. It's a little funny. It's a little funny if China is doing this. Can we get back at them? Why don't, but they won't allow it. They won't allow it. But we've done a lot to check. Like we're fat. We got, there's fat Chinese now. We're doing that. We got fucking, go to a list of the American fast food companies in China. We're making them fat and they're making our kids file their teeth and that's fair. American fast food restaurants in China. Let's see what they got. Oh, wow. Kentucky fried chicken. They fucking love it there.

Okay. McDonald's. Burger King. Starbucks. Dude. We got, I think they got Pizza Hut too. They have Pizza Hut? They got the Hut, but here's my point. We're making Taco Bell China. Wow. We're making them fat. We're playing a game too. We're going to play a game too. Let's see how fun it is when all your citizens can't get off their chair. Let's see how fun it is when you're a billion people can't walk. Watch. We got it. We can fight. We fight the way we know how to fight with the fucking stuffed crust pizza and the McDouble. That's how we fight. Fight with breadsticks, sauce, Domino's, Papa John's, barbecue chicken pizza,

fight with Burger King, mozzarella sticks, fight with Oreo McFlurries, turn them into fat, diabetic monsters. They can come in, our kids will file their teeth and pass out and drink gallons of milk. We will turn your country into fat slobs very easily, very easily. That's how we should fight. That's how we should fight. Pizza Hut opened its first store in China in 1990, followed by Domino's Pizza in 95. The two pizza chains both expanded in the Chinese market in the 2000s. By the way, that's our COVID. That's our lab leak. We are putting Pizza Hut, delivery Pizza Hut in China. People that didn't have a lot of food now can press a button and we'll deliver pizza to them. So this is the thing about globalization. You get the good with the bad, right? You get the good

with the bad. So that's the fight that we have to bring to their shores. Folks, I'll be on the road doing stand-up comedy. Not in LA. Kidding. Kidding. I'm not trying to start beef. I'm just saying enough already. Respect the Chinese children. Raleigh, this weekend, prior Lake Minnesota, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Inglewood, New Jersey, Huntington, New York, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Peoria, Illinois, Kansas City, Missouri, Portland, Oregon, Tacoma, Washington, Palm Beach, Florida, North Charleston, South Carolina, Hershey, PA. That's with Shane, Gillis, Nick Mullen, Jay O'Carson. I mean, what an amazing lineup. Insane. Chicago, Milwaukee, San Francisco, Ben Salem, Pennsylvania. And then that's it. That's it. So I mean, I don't know what's

left to say here. I mean, I don't know where I stand on this now. I came in very hard for not banning TikTok, but now I've seen some of the damages, damaging things that it's doing. And I'm kind of on the fence about it. I don't know. I'm going to ultimately say no, don't ban it, because I know people that have made a living on it. And I think if your kid's a hawk, you're going to have to deal with it. You're just going to have to deal with the fact your kid's a hawk. There's a lot worse things your kid could be than a hawk, like a teacher. Your child was a teacher. Yeah, my kid's a teacher. Oh, we're real proud teacher. Yeah, he worked real hard for that. So I'd rather my kid be a hawk. I'd rather that than say my kids a teacher. I'd be like, yeah,

my kid's a mentally ill hawk who filed a teeth down and passes out on TikTok and she's killing it. She's got five million followers and she smashes gallons of milk. They and they smashed gallons of milk and they filed their teeth down and they black out at a fucking at a whim. They just black out. That's the type of kid I want a fucking TikTok beast. No, I mean, listen, at the end of the day, what an interesting way that countries are now fighting each other, you know, like they're really aiming at the youth. And I mean, I don't know if this is state actors doing this. I guess it might be, but I also think it's just weird. I think it's weird if you just give kids power. Kids do really fucked up shit. Now they can spread it around the entire world.

They do crazy shit. And they're like, look, I did this shit. You could do it. People want to go viral. The promise of virality of fame of all this shit. It corrupts. It does. It's a bad value system, right? It's not, we don't, but we don't, we're not building anything on a solid value system for our children, you know? So I do see why people are concerned about it. And you know, it's kind of out of their hands. Your kids are going to have iPhones. You're going to be college. I mean, they're going to be in a high school or college. They're going to be on TikTok and they're going to be fucking, you know, they're going to be exposed to all this stuff. You hope that I guess you raise them so that they can fight the temptations with this stuff because it is very sad

when the kids do these challenges and then they die before they've even seen how many followers they've gotten. That's the saddest thing. And that's what I would say in the eulogy. I'd go, she died before she knew she was trending. She died. The hawk flew away before she knew she was trending. As always, I will do direct deals on the road. I'm on the road now and I will do direct deals with Mohammed bin Salman, the Saudi government and the Chinese government. If they want to sponsor my tour, I have no interest in dealing with middlemen. I would deal with the Saudis. I would deal with the Chinese directly, Putin directly. If they want to sponsor my tour, I do appreciate everybody by taking us. We've had a lot of fun. New dates in West Palm or May 5th

through the 7th. West Palm is always so much fun. It's just people that just left a queue and on boat regatta. Is there anyone more fun than that? They're fun. They're fun. And they're right about some stuff and wrong about other stuff, but they are fun. And we appreciate all of you all the time. TimDillonComedy.com. Get tickets. Thank you.