The Tim Dillon Show - 341 - An American Royal with Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: April 9, 2023

Tim sits down with Bert Kreischer about monetizing dreams, how the Ukraine war almost stopped 'The Machine' from being released and why Bert is basically Prince Philip. Live Shows: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Netflix special: https://www.netflix.com/watch/81616382 SPONSORS: FUM TryFUM.com & Use Code: 'TIM' BlueChew BlueChew.com & Use Code: 'TD' ExpressVPN EXPRESSVPN.com/TimDillon Gametime: Get The Gametime App & Use Code: 'TIM' ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show. I'm very excited to be here with the guy who put me on my first podcast in LA. Nobody put me on, nobody cared. Nobody would look at me. And this guy said, come to my house and we'll do a podcast. And thank you so much. It's worked out.

It has worked out. Yes. I'm a good scout. Yeah. There's a couple of people where I like, where I silently take credit when they want to see them blow up. What it is is like,

it's gotta be like when you are an actual talent scout and you've seen someone that just makes you giggle by yourself and then you watch them blow the fuck up. And then you're like, I knew I'm good. I knew I can pick talent. Yeah. Well, I appreciate that. Well, let me ask you a question.

What do you think? Do you think we all do this? Like does podcasting go on forever? Does this eventually stop? Does this become like when we, like younger comics now are not starting them. They're just doing clips. That's the fucking thing.

Going out with short form stuff. If you can get heckled these days, you're the luckiest comic out there. God damn it, man. I'm so jealous. If I had had clips back in the day, cause I was chaos on stage, I was chaos, take my shirt off,

drink six beers on stage, welcome it, welcome chaos. Man, if we had cameras back then. So does this, what happens to this medium eventually? I'll tell you, I'll tell you, the idea of having a podcast conglomerate, like a umbrella where you start podcasting, that's dead. That's the idea of having like a company.

I think it's dead. I agree. I've had a lot of people come and ask to be part of my network. And I'm like, I don't have a network, I do me. I do me. That's all I give a fuck about. I don't want to lose any of my attention about me.

Social media companies, I think they're going away. I think people are starting to go, no, no, no, I'll just get that person. I want them to work for me. I think everything's going in house. I'll tell you where I'm going. Yes. Cause you're a guy that you're always kind of on the new thing.

Like you're always, you focus a lot on whatever the new thing is going to be in comedy. Like you, you were doing Instagram stories years and years and years ago, showing me how many people were watching your story, showing me how they could buy tickets. You were on all of that shit. I wonder, I sometimes, I sometimes wonder

if it's cause I'm not as talented as other people. I pay attention a little more and I work a little harder and I try things. I also know my failing. But, but yeah, I mean, I remember watching Joe and going, I mean, there's so much meat left on that bone. Yeah. I mean, with all the, all the things he does,

and I look, Joe wants privacy and he's a bad example. But I remember going, if I was Joe, if I could have that outreach, I'll tell you what I do. Right. And that's, that's the way I looked at it. Right. And right now, What would you do if you had like his level of power?

Oh dude. I mean, would it be? First of all, I'd be, I'd be doing more movies. I, I mean, I know that he doesn't want to do that, but I think the funny shit. Well, he's got a bunch of jobs, right? He's got the UFC, he's a dad. He's a comedian.

He does the podcast. So, but, but it's for sure. There's maybe more. Yeah, I would do. He could do. He is lazy, I think, Joe. He, he is a little lazy. I think that's kind of what we're getting at.

I think what we're getting at is, Rogan is kind of like a little bit lazy. Is that where we're going? I think he is. I think he is. I think you look, what it is. Okay, for real. He's gonna work out more.

What does he do? Talks someone for three hours, that's it. I know. And then smokes weed and drinks. And this whole spending time with my family can hard. Enough. I'm not buying it. Enough.

I asked him his daughter's name the other day and he stumbled. The world should know their names. Yeah. They should be monetized. Yeah. Every member of that family should be massively big on social.

I only trust a man who puts his family on Instagram. Yes. If you're not on Instagram, then he's not around them. God, Joe really is. He does the opposite of you a little bit with that, where he does, he wants more of the privacy. He might be gay.

Is that, maybe is that what it is? And this is his beard. This could be it. His beard is. This is absolutely it. I wouldn't be shocked. I think most people who don't put their kids on Instagram are gay.

That's the only one, that's I'm so straight. If your kids are not all over social media. You're gay. You're gay. If you're not trying to monetize every interaction with your family. If you're not trying to fucking. Yes.

You're a gay man. It sucks when you realize that videos of your daughter go are more popular than videos without your daughter in it. Then you're like, yo, I love I got to sell tickets in Cleveland. Yeah, get over here. Stop having teenager problems. So where are you going?

You just said everything's going in house, meaning that every things are going in house. The cameras are going in the house. It's like Epstein and the cameras are in the house. Oh, I just bought a new house and built it out to just have all production in there. Amazing. So we have.

Now is it just so you can live 24 seven with people filming it? I said to my wife, can we please put a bed in here? Because I could be, I don't, I'd love to just. Could you monetize your sleep? Like, could you? I've already thought of it. I've already thought of it.

I've already thought of it. I've already thought of it. How great would this be? Okay. Yeah. It's a dream podcast. So we get you to go to sleep. It's we work with calm, the app and we get you breathing

and get you into sleep. And then as you go to sleep, then I take over and I go, all right, we're in. And I, I, I poke, I take you through dreams that night. Really great dreams. And you can scroll and be like, I'm gonna fight dragons tonight. So now what do you mean by you take them through dreams?

So you ever listen to a podcast while you sleep and all of a sudden I always fall asleep to a podcast and then all of a sudden you're like, you have a dream that like it's you and Hitler and you guys are trying to clear out the Eagles Nest before and you're like, God damn it. I shouldn't have listened to the fucking Hitler podcast. You're doing the inspiring their dreams nicer.

And then I'm like, Hey, grab that Coke, grab a Coke, Cola, we're gonna be thirsty fighting dragons and we put ad sales in there. Holy. So you're subliminally getting into their mind cause that's the last escape people have from the culture of advertising is sleep. And we need to end that.

I had a dream. I had a dream. I was listening. I listened to, um, to a podcast called this day in history. I think it's, it's on Noiser. Okay. And they did an ad read in the dream and the ad reach in the, in the, in the podcast and the ad read showed up

in my dream and I woke up and I went, that's the future. Right. You, if, if you can find podcasts that put people to sleep. Yeah. Some would argue that mine does. Right. Then those, and then you put ads in people's heads while they, while they sleep and then they wake up

and they're like, it's like programs, it's like MK ultra programming. Ultra programming. Yeah. Like while they sleep and you just can like, Tito's, Tito's, you're going to wake up tomorrow at 9am and have a glass of Tito's. Yeah. And then you get in there.

Who cares what your wife says. Jimmy Dean sausages. Yeah. That'd be great. Before we fight a drag. Sausage sandwich. Yeah. So a nice runny egg and American cheese.

God, I'm fucking hungry now. So now you're, what is the next iteration of you could, because you're doing fully loaded. You're out on the road with a bunch of comics doing minor league baseball stadiums. Do a minor league baseball stadiums starting at Forest Hills. We ended the Gorge and we're doing arenas

and minor league baseball. You're one of the biggest arena comics in the world. What are you now? Number three, three or four, four, four. Who are the first, who are the first three? Sebastian Fluffy and Joe Coy. You can get him. I'm, I'm, I'm going after Joe Coy. You can get him.

I'm going head to head with that motherfucker. You can get him. I'm, I'm, he has the nation of the Philippines. The whole nation. If I could just isolate a minority to fall in love with me. Yes. We're going head to head. Right. I need, I need one. I'm looking at the mongs.

Fluffy did the mongs. Yeah. What are the mongs? They're the hill people in Vietnam. Are they drunks? No, the mongs. Am I saying them wrong? You need, what about Native Americans? Because there's, there's not enough of them, but they're drunks and they live on reservations

and they eat horribly and they may love you. And you got to teach them like, yes, your land was stolen, but it's a party. Yeah. I could, I would dude, I partied with the Native American one time on Crow territory, Crow nation and flying in his van. And when I'm on a motorcycle trying to catch up with him, we're going to go do where custard's last stand was.

And I'm flying on my motorcycle. Cop pulls me over. I'm like, I'm fucking dead. I'm dead. I've been drinking. I'm on a motorcycle. I'm going 90 miles an hour. Funnest, maybe the, all I kept thinking was,

I'm going to hit a cow. That's what my whole thought dude turns around. Leave this land right now to the cop. He's with me to ignore him. Let's go. Wow. And I looked at this cop like, sorry, white guy. Yeah. It's sovereign land.

Dude, sovereign land. I fucking could get down on sovereign land. You can do anything. How do I get my land to be sovereign land? Well, you have to be a Cherokee or a Chica, Chica. I was in Oklahoma city. There's a lot of them. Chickasaw, Cherokee, you know,

you got to have, you got to have some bloodline or you got to trace some. So I don't know. That was, that Elizabeth Warren did that. She tried. That's it. Yeah, that's it. Leigh Ann goes, you know what?

I'm part Native American. I wouldn't, don't say that. Right. She goes, I can say it. I said, no, it's just, it's better not to say it, right? I can say it. I am. I'm Granny's, Granny's Mimo.

Yeah, it was something. My mother always used to say it. My mother used to go, I feel like I'm part Cherokee and my mother looked like me in drag. And I'm like, there's nothing more offensive than this comment coming out of your fat white mouth. That's the best. So now you've got three.

Did you ever think of it? Cause it's amazing. You've got three guys ahead of you in this, in the, in the terms of putting people in seats. It's crazy. Is there, is there a moment if you, if you get, if you beat them, if you get to number one and you're the top comic in the world.

I go back to clubs immediately. Well, then what? I mean, what the fuck? It's like, I'm already stressed out about it. What do you do? I'm already stressed out about what I do now. Cause right now I'm like, like there is no, like what, what else happens?

I mean, I made, I made a, I made a $100,000 bet with someone that I would never do Raymond James Stadium because I was like, I was like, that'll never happen. And the guy was like, dead serious. He's like, I'll bet you a $100,000 that happens. I mean, I ultimately, I guess you're Kevin Hart. You have to pay, you have to pay him. Yeah. If I do it, but I'm never going to do Raymond James.

I mean, where is that in Tampa? How much is it? How many people fucking 75,000? I mean, but like, that's heavy. That's heavy. I mean, here's the deal. I mean, you know what? What am I saying?

I don't believe in negative talk. I believe in positive talk, I put it in the universe. Let's, let's, let's not let that happen. Let's let the machine comes out Memorial Day weekend. I hope it does great. I hope it does great for a lot of reasons. Number one, if the machine does great, ladies and gentlemen,

you will be seeing a Tim Dillon movie next summer. Yeah. Well, that's, that we would love that. That is almost guaranteed. Well, if comics do well, it helps other comics, right? That's the thing people fuck up on. Yes. They get jealous of other comics. No, dude, when comics do great,

it helps you. It just helps you. No one looks, no one looks at Joe Coy blowing the fuck up. Right. I mean, and I'll tell you right now, I'm different. Maybe I'm different. I remember one time Joe Coy had a video cause I would fuck around with Joe and Tom

and bus balls on Instagram. And he had a video of a tour bus inside an arena. And he was like, yo, what's up, bird? I just got done my show. And all I thought was, I want to have my tour bus in an arena. Yeah. How awesome is that?

How awesome is that? Turns out it happens when there's tornadoes, but it's not, you don't want it to happen. You normally just want it to stay outside. It means there's a problem. But like you want comics to do good. You want comics to blow up. And Joe was the one that put that out there of like,

help everyone. They just help you. Right. But help them selflessly. Like I've never, I've never, I've never needed, wanted anything from anyone. I just want to watch people blow up when Tom blew up. Dude, I had a moment.

I've talked about this ad nauseam, but I remember I had a moment when I realized Tom was way more successful than I was. And we were just friends and we didn't have a podcast together. It was during, they used to do a thing called oddball. Yeah. I remember the oddball. I got, I was on it, they booked me for 10 or 12.

And then they just kicked me off because they were like, yeah. And I was like, I called Tom. I was like, oh, that sucks. And he goes, you're losing out on a lot of money. I was like, oh, it's $2,000 a weekend. And I had to play for my travel in my hotel. And he goes, how much did you get paid?

I was like 2,000 a weekend. He's like, oh, I said, wait, what are you getting paid? And he goes, and he was like, I don't want to tell you. So I don't know if we can be friends if you hear it. Right. And I was like, I had to make a moment where I was like, okay, are you cool

with finding out exactly where you are in this business? Right. That's a moment. I was like, I put my arms on my knees, like my arms on my knees, like squatted, like sitting in my desk. I had the phone sitting on my desk and I thought about it.

And I was like, what's the number gonna be that I'm cool with it? I go 10 grand a weekend. Right. 10 grand a weekend and I'm like, that's fine. Maybe 20 grand a weekend. And he goes, I'm getting paid 20 grand. And I went, okay.

He goes, a show. And I went, what? Right. And I was like, motherfucker, that's way bigger than I. But I was like, I'm happy for him. It was good for you to know that that was out there. Yeah. I'm happy.

I want to see everyone succeed and I want to learn from them. Like I watch what Tom's doing with YMH and it's really fucking inspiring. You look at what Joe's doing. When Joe's, Joe's been the model that everyone builds after. And then you just try to do your own things. Like I've only tried to do fully loaded only because I had this thorn in my side

about getting kicked off funny or die. Right. And I was like, I wanted, I was the guy that if I got to do that festival, I would have had the best time out of any comic that did it. I wouldn't have stressed. I would have just kicked you off kind of fucking.

I mean, honestly, for real now that I book a festival because I wasn't going to draw names and they could save money on me. I wasn't going to bring anyone to the show. It was a favor they were doing. I wasn't bringing anyone to the show. You don't think that when you're young, you take it personally.

It wasn't personal. They just were like, they were like, eh, let's save two grand a week. And let's, let's see if we can get someone a little bigger, throw that money towards someone else. So you, your direction, you're heading in now. You're saying everything's in house. Yeah.

That's why I think everything's moving. And I look at what you've got. Yeah. This is the direction. Yeah. This is the direction. Yeah. But I want.

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and use code T-I-M to save an additional 10% off on your order today. But now, is there more to be done in-house? For example, is there more content outside of podcasts? This is the thing, right? We watched Louis make a movie, we watched, you know, we've watched a lot of stuff happening. Now, at one point it was very difficult to do shows like this

because the technology wasn't there yet. The platforms weren't there yet. It's still very hard to make a movie on your own. You still gotta partner up with a studio. You know, in five or 10 years, is that the same thing? Or are people making fucking movies the way that studios made them? Okay, so this is my, okay, and this is,

I'm gonna try to give you an analogy for the way I look at business. I don't, I may be the shark at times, but I'm comfortable being the Amora also. Now explain what the Amora is. It's the fucking little sucker fish that holds onto the shark and just takes a ride. Interesting.

So like, I want my business to be all the Amoras that are on me all the time. I want that to be my business. Right. So like, let's say, this is ideally, this is how I would have done it for the machine, but I wasn't set up to do that. Right.

I would have signed a deal with Legendary and I would have said, I would like to be in control of my marketing. I would like to be in control of my social, of all the social media, all the BTS. I wanna be in control of all the outside businesses that go along with making a movie that are representing me as well.

I wanna be in control of those and I would like that money. I would like that, I would like that coming to me. So when I build a media company, I'm looking at, say I do a TV show again, I'm looking at all the outside shit that they'll farm out, PR, social media, BTS, all that shit, I want it coming to me. And so I want that, I would like to do that.

And I do it very well. Right. And so I already know I do it very well and I've shown that I've done it very well. Like the marketing for the machine, not to toot my own horn, but I got in front of a movie that was sitting on the shelf and got it off the shelf.

I got it off the shelf. I went and I leaked the trailer on Rogan. Why was it on the shelf? It was all the fucking shit going on with the fucking Putin. Right. Everyone was scared. I mean, I shouldn't say this because I know, I mean, I know that even now people will be like,

you know, but everyone was nervous that it may be received negatively. I said, it's not about that. It's a good fucking movie. It's a funny movie. It's a funny, it's a fucking action comedy that has nothing to do with politics. That's not called Burke Christcher invades the Ukraine.

It's a fucking movie about a story you've been telling on stage forever. But people were like, yeah. When all that shit happened down, I remember people going, so are you going to be able to tell the machine on stage again? And I was like, I'm fine.

Yeah. I don't think my fans are- Now, no one cares. We're all a little sick of this, by the way. Wrapped the shit up. We've had enough. And so I got that off the shelf. They wanted to do the announce.

I said, let me do it. I did the announce. When viral, I said, let me take control of getting, they gave me the trailer. I said, let me take control of getting that spread out. Yeah. We had, I mean, I shouldn't say numbers, but we had an resounding effect

with that trailer within 24 hours. Same thing with Razzle Dazzle. I did Razzle Dazzle. I took control of all the BTS. I took control of all the marketing. I took control of everything. BTS, explain what BTS- Behind the scenes, behind the scenes.

So I have a film crew that comes with me and shoots everything. And then in that process, we shot the announce, the trailer. And we did all the editing. We did all that. And then, so that's the business I want to be in is like, it's like just covering my business.

I don't need to be the studio. I don't need to be the director. I want everyone around me that's the best. But when it comes to like the little bullshit jobs around me, I want to be running all of those. Yeah. And that's, and I think, I think there's people that are even better than me

that can do even more than that. But that's where I know I'm good at. I know I'm good at selling me to people like me. That's it. I mean, it's like, I do it with standup. I remember when I got into, when I got the first Netflix special, I was very proud that I got myself there.

Cause you gotta get yourself there. Like you get yourself there. That's, I know a lot of people may see that differently when they look at us, but like you, you got yourself a special on Netflix. No one got you a special on Netflix. You did. By your standup.

You're waking up every day and busting your fucking ass. You got, and that's something to be proud of. Yeah. Yeah. And so, and, and so I remember getting secret time and I was so proud of myself. I was like, I got myself here. I remember I think in the meeting, this is gonna sound horrible.

You know when you say something that's just comes out wrong? Yes. I was at Netflix. Yeah. And they're congratulating me on my special. And I, I don't know why I said it, but I was like, I got myself here. And everyone's like, okay.

I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, like, no, like, I wasn't gifted this. Like I earned this. And I was like a moment. It's good that you, no, it's a completely insane moment. It's an insane moment. It's wildly inappropriate. My wife's punching me going, shut up.

Thank you. Well, you know what it was? I made mortgage. I made a lot of money in mortgages one month and my, and I was like walking around like I was the shit. And then my old boss said, hey, he called me into the office and I remember I was so embarrassed. He goes, hey man, act like you've been here before.

No, I am not that guy. God. I am not that guy. It's my first time and I'm letting you know. It's a surprise party that you've thrown for yourself. Yes, all the time. All the time. Dude, I'm, I consistently, I consistently am, I am,

I have a friend growing up in the same as Weecho. He's from Peru originally. And I'm sorry, Weecho, if you're hearing this, but like his, his English was great. He would mispronounce words and sometimes he wouldn't know what it worked. He'd say Rottweiler and you're like, it's Rottweiler. And he'd go, but wiser.

And you know, it's Budweiser. And then you say a word, like I'm nippin' it. And he'd go, what does that mean? And like where everyone else would just go like, I don't, I don't know what it means, but I'm not gonna say anything. He had no problem saying, I don't know what that means. Tell me what that means.

And I, I enjoyed that about him cause I got to learn what the word meant too. Cause I didn't know what it meant. And so I, I took from that like, it's okay to be a fucking country, to be rude every step of the way and let people know, this is fucking, this is like, I've never done this before. Like I'm terrified.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. This is fun. Like I am fucking, I am, I'm the guy in the end zone. I'm the guy in the end zone that didn't even score and I'm dancing. Your tour schedule is so intense. You're all over the world really.

I mean, you, you've done, it's a lot of America. Have you gone overseas? I know you have. What is, is this sustainable forever? My life? Yes. No. Interesting.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm, I look at your schedule and I, I go on the road a lot and I look at your schedule and I go, this is really amazing. It's, it's an amazing commitment. You've, you've built something that's wild. But I also go, wow, this is a, you know, this is a pace that is incredibly, you know,

demanding. Well, I think also there's two things that go in with that. Number one, I was also, and I've said this ad nauseam, but like, I was also, when I met you, I was not successful. You were less. You were still successful in my eyes. When I met you, I remember you were doing six shows at the DC improv and you had sold them all out.

And I was like in the little room. Yeah. And I had come to talk to you and you were really, really nice and kind. And you were telling me about the difference how what's selling out. Like they were, he goes, you go, they're selling out. They're selling out in pre-sale.

They're selling out in adding shows. There's $30 tickets. Right. You would talk to me about that whole thing. And then you go to theaters after this and you were telling me about all this stuff. But I remember you were still the, one of the biggest club acts in the country, but you hadn't broken to the next level.

I hadn't broken. Yeah, I definitely hadn't broken. And so, but there was a period too, where I was like, I got, where I got fired from travel channel. And I was, and I was like, am I podcast? Why didn't have money coming in? And I was just like, what the fuck am I going to do with my show?

And I remember being at this store and a couple of comics that were more arguably more successful than me. One of them, one of them was definitely just leaving me mid conversation for someone more famous. And I was like, I was like, wow, that's where I am. And this conversation with Tom. So I think because I got to experience that,

I look at this going like make hay while the sun shines. I had someone tell me that the other day, one time this comic said, you know, it doesn't go away. You don't have to do it all in one bite. And I was like, oh, it goes away. It goes away for everybody. It goes for everybody. Of course.

And it's going to go away for me. Look, you look at like you, and I think you want it to go away. I think you need it to go away. And yeah, and that's what makes you enjoy it. But I don't think I can keep this pace up. Like this pace is insane. I thought I had a couple of weeks off

before I go to Australia. I don't, I have three days off and I was like, fuck. And so for me, I just would love to, I mean, look, I'll do it. I'll do it until the wheels come off. Right. I mean, I guess. Yeah.

It's like, what's the other option? Should I get into a TV show? No, I don't know. No, meaning, meaning, like, should I start watching Secession? Like, I don't like- Well, it is. Well, number one, it's a good show.

Is it? But I wouldn't, I wouldn't replace- Working. With just watching a TV show. Yeah. That wouldn't be it. Because that's the option. Do you ever think, do you ever think,

well, because you've done the movie now, and you've toured so much. Do you ever think of, is there anything else you want to be really good at? Do you ever look at something and go, fuck, I want to master some other discipline, whether it's related to this business, not in the business.

See, what's interesting about Rogan is he's got his fighting, right? He's got his martial arts. Like, he does that. He's in there. He does Muay Thai. He does Jiu Jitsu. Whatever.

I'm gonna open a glass of rosé. Please, please. And what he does is that is so essential to like, who he is as a human being. Cause obviously he's got comedy. He's got work. He's got a family. But he's also got this other thing.

And I always wonder like, is there another thing that do, do we miss out on not having that? Not that it has to be fighting. Like, do we miss out on not having that other discipline that, that's something that he has? Uh, no. I mean, like, maybe.

I mean, I like, like. I'm not gonna start Jiu Jitsu. Yeah. But I'm just saying like, should mine be tennis? Should mine be like something where I'm like, oh, I've got the people I do this with. We play tennis.

We, we, we keep score. We, we care. Like, I'm like, what else is there in life? I don't know. I don't know. Like what? I don't know. What do people do?

People golf. Sure. You know, people golf. Then you gotta, then you gotta check bags. I know. You go on the road, you check in a fucking bag. I never check bags. That's a Burke Chrysler rule.

You can buy what you need when you get there. Fuck yeah. I never check bags. I've thrown out so much bought shit where I go. I just needed it. And then I go, you make a good point because sometimes I'll look at your schedule.

I'm like, that's crazy. He's doing that. But then you're like, what is the other, like the other day I was in the, the comedy store in the green room and like my godson stops in. He's Chinese. He's two.

And they threw him out cause he's not, not allowed to be in the green room. Cause like some nonsense fucking rule. You know what I mean? That now they're policing the green room over there. Great. After years of Guantanamo torture, supposedly people were getting,

but the point is my little godson strutting and I'm going, what am I supposed to do? Be here every night? Like I like it. What am I supposed to like? Yeah, as birds on the road, like a demon, bad out of hell. I mean, he's got more miles on him

than like the Pagans motorcycle gang. I mean, you are out there, but it makes sense because after a certain point, what are you going to do? You can't do spots. You can't just show up to a place and do spots. You know what I mean? There is a certain,

there is a progression where I feel like you are doing the right thing of like, you outgrow certain things in comedy where it's like some of it's fun. And then you go, you know what? If I can't create my own world, this whole thing's about creating our own world. Oh yeah.

And that's what you've been able to do on the road. You have your friends, the people you like, the, you know, you have created your own world. And then when you're living in these other worlds, they're like, the baby's got to go and this and that. And you go, hey man. Oh, I have a real problem with rules. Bluetooth.

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I set myself up into a world where I got to define the rules. And so like little things, little things like when people were like, last night I got a hotel room. We were in wherever we were. And I got a hotel room for the afternoon. I said, I'm gonna sleep.

I have a busy week this day. I'm not gonna fuck around. I'm not gonna work out. I'm not gonna do play disc golf. I'm gonna sleep today in the hotel room and then I'll go to the show. And my assistant came in and he's like, show starts at seven.

We should be out of here by like six 30. And I went, no. And he goes, what? And I said, when do I go on? I'm not going on at seven. I don't need to be there early. Don't like little things like that. I go, it starts when I show up.

And if it, and so just so we're clear, I'm not gonna get there. And like, I'm like that with the airport. Like I just, I'm so fucking bad. I agree with you. I have clear. I go right before the flight. I like to get there.

I don't wait. I don't wait for one person on my team. If you're not ready, I'm walking. And sadly I do that with my family. Yeah. With my girls. They should. I go, hey, sorry girls.

You're fucking around. You guys, everyone. It's, you're on the plane. We fucking Leanne one time. I go, we're, we're in line at security. And she goes, I don't, I go, let's go through clear. And she goes, I don't have clear. I go, okay, well you wait here.

I'm gonna go in. She goes, well, why aren't you waiting with me? I go, cause I'm not, cause I'm not an idiot. Right. I'm not gonna set my life up to be an idiot. Right. You set it up to do idiot things. Right.

Like not have clear. Not have clear. I'm going in clear. You stupid bitch. And so, and then she goes, just wait. I'm your wife. You wait with me and then I can hear people commenting. What the fuck's wrong with you, Bert?

No, they don't know. They don't get it. So I wait with her and clear. It's so demoralized. I wait with her and fucking just in regular fucking, what you call it. Disgusting. And then we get up and she goes,

oh, I got that white box thing. And I go that, that's clear. She goes, oh, I got that. I went, oh, oh my God. I was like, I know you're not supposed to hit women. No, but sometimes. But like that would have been a time. No, that would have been a time.

That would have been a time. I was so angry. She goes, I got that. I didn't know what that, why do you, why didn't you tell me it was a white box thing? Right. Oh my fucking God. Has Leanne ever said to slow it down?

Yeah. Yes. She said it today. Yeah. She called me today and I, and I said, oh, I don't know where I was on the plane or whatever, I don't know where the fuck I was. She goes, I'm going to call Tim and cancel today.

You need to, you need your rest. And I went, hold on. I love Leanne. I would have totally been okay with that. No, I said, I do like that you're here. Out of all the things I'm doing today, this is the one thing I like. Right.

Like I cancel the other shit. Yes. This is the one thing I like. I'm getting to drive into Beverly Hills. Yes. I'm getting to see fucking LA. I get to feel like I live here. I went over the hill.

Right. This is the fucking thing. I got a bottle of rosé. I wore my track suit. You have a bottle of rosé in a, in a, in a beautiful. It's like, you know, my father had one of these bags that he was a wine salesman, but I liked that you have it and it's not your business.

No, it's not my business. This is your personal and your enjoyment. But this is what I like. Well, just me and you gossiping out there. Oh, it's great. This is the fucking thing I live for. It's just so, it's fun to hang out with someone and just compliment other comedians.

Yeah. Yeah. Just talk great about how few specials are being released these days. How many specials? I think it's 150 to date. Too many. From January to March. That's too many.

150. What is comedy at five or 10 years? Is it anything we recognize? Oh, it's not going to be something we recognize. Oh, Bert, tell us what it is because I feel like you kind of know, or do you, do you have an idea? Well, I think our manager is still going to be around. No, they're gone.

They're gone. Wow. Sadly. Managers or did you hear that managers? You're done. I think managers, the third biggest comedian or fourth, third, fourth, fourth, biggest comedian telling you you're done.

You are done. I think, I mean, I think, I think what happens is everything's in house. Once again, Doug Stanhope is the prototype. That's right. Doug Stanhope did it right. That's right. And I remember telling my manager,

I want what Doug has and she was like, maybe, maybe that's not exactly what you want. Right. Like you don't want to live in Bisbee in a compound and, but, but Doug has everything top to bottom. He has his own bartender. He brings everybody in.

Everybody's under the umbrella of what he wants to do and what his vision is. But you got to be willing to fucking work nonstop. That's the other thing I think that people don't realize. You're not working less now. You're working more. Way more. You're actually working way more than you would have

when you could rely on a comedy central or whatever where you would just show up. Now you were working. You're hiring people, you're interviewing people. You're figuring out dynamics. You're being a man. It's weird. It's different.

I went to Stobby's house the other day. Yeah. And he had five people in there. One dude, and it's his house, podcast studio, an editing bay. He said, he woke up the other day and there was a guy on the couch that he didn't know. Right.

But Stobby works all the time. That's the norm. If you're not willing to work all the time, then you may get passed by. That's right. Look at Schultz. Schultz is fussing his, you go into his place and everything's in house with Schultz.

Doves is his best friend, agent, manager. I mean, he does everything. And then he's got a great team of people around him that are all willing to work 24 hours a day. Is there a danger? Let me ask the danger, though. I was like to look at the other side of things. Is there a danger that when everybody's working so hard

and I understand this and I'm doing it and we're all running around? Are we not living? Oh, this is living. This is living. This is living. This is living. What about the old living where they weren't traveling?

Well, like having interactions with people that weren't monetized. I get it. Have you ever talked to a fucking regular person? I know. Jesus Christ. Go to drop off at my kid's school one time. Yeah, okay.

And then just watch those conversations. Sometimes I wonder about the great material that we kind of pull from life. You're gonna get it. Like, I mean, like, here's the deal. You're gonna live a regular life. That's right. You're gonna live a regular life.

I have regular friends. We have a group of friends called the campers. We all hang out and talk and we do shit. We go on vacation together. That's gonna fucking happen. Of course. You can't not, that's not not gonna happen. But like, I don't want to sit out there and like,

I don't like, I don't need to, I don't need to like immerse myself in a pickleball league. No. I'm gonna do adult softball. Right. Like none of that shit matters to me. Agreed. Like, I mean, I would, I guess I get drawn to my interests.

Like, I like a good conversation at an airport bar. Yes. Like a good conversation at a dive bar. I like going and seeing houses. I'm not gonna buy. I love that. There's nothing better than that. Oh, there's so much more.

Because it helps the realtor because it trains. Can we go? Let's go house shopping. Anytime you want. I have. Immediately, immediately. Let's monetize it. No, we'll film it.

Why don't, yeah. Why don't we film it? Why don't we go to open houses? I will do it tomorrow. I'll do it anytime you want. Do you know my favorite thing to do is? Yeah. I like to profile the people whose house we're looking at.

Oh, and see, yeah. I mean, well, that's my whole, my thing was like fake business where I would call realtors and I would get into actual negotiations about a property and I would say, I would be a fake realtor and I would call them up and I'd go, listen, my clients are deadly serious. They live in the United Arab Emirates.

But here's, you know, here's a couple of things that we need to get. We need to, you know, and what happens is, it's immediately real business for the realtor, but it's fake business for me. And it's real business for them, but it's fake business for me because the clients don't really exist.

They don't know it's fake business. 90% of what you do in sales is fake business. It's not real until they sign the thing, which very few people do. So even though it's fake business, it's real business for them. So it trains them, it keeps them going. And it's fun for me.

I represent a lot of very discerning clients in the Los Angeles area. None of them exist. None of them exist. But they're a high end, they're very discerning. They want Malibu on the water. They want Beverly flats if they want prime, prime, prime. And I represent hedge funds, real estate investment trusts.

I represent massive guys that are from Greenwich, Connecticut. Oh my God. I represent them and I call these realtors all they waste all of their time, the ones you see on TV. And they just go along with it because they have, they're vapid and there's nothing inside of them except they just want someone to sign this goddamn paper. And it's the best.

So I like wasting the time of people. And it's really, it's a great thing for both of us. Cause sometimes I have time and I'm in traffic and I just pull them up and I go, listen, how are you? I go, how are you listening? I have a client that's very excited about this property. It seems priced a little higher relative to some of the comps in the area.

And I just wanted to know, are there details about the house that would justify that? I'll wait. And then they're like, well, absolute. I'm glad you asked. Yeah. And I do it all the time. And I love it. It's, I have no respect for the real estate profession.

And, and I do, but I don't. So what it's fun, it's great to waste your time. I've brought them up to, I'm like, the offer's coming in and you can tell, these people can tell. And I only do it to high end people. I wouldn't hurt the small and medium people that need the money. I do it to high end people.

And I'm like, the offer's coming in this afternoon and they'll call me back. They're like, what happened with that offer? I'm like, oh my God. You'll never believe what happened. You'll never believe what happened. They invaded Ukraine. So, so to me, I would love,

I think Tim Dillon Burke, I love real estate. It's fascinating to me. Realtors are very dumb and they make a lot of money. And that's, those are my favorite types of people. That's the American dream to not be educated, to just kind of be like fly by night and to somehow amass a fortune. Talking about tile, the American dream.

Oh my God. So these are my, these are the things I like. These are passions I have. And you're right. It's like, we shouldn't feel guilty that we don't do your Jiu-Jitsu or whatever because we have things that we're also, we would have, I mean, first of all,

here's the thing is like, we would have been that guy already. That's a good point. Like, I mean, Joe was not a comic who discovered Jiu-Jitsu. No, he was, he was doing that when he was into martial arts. He was like, I got right.

Like he was into martial arts. Like, I can play golf. I'm really good at golf. Like, I'm not the guy that wants to go. I mean, I don't, like, I like playing golf every now and then, but I want to do it. If like, I want to do it once in a while. Right.

I can play tennis too. And I used to do it in the mornings, but my- Do you want to do the garden? What's that? Madison Square Garden. Do I? Yeah. Is this part of, is this,

I would imagine it's kind of a, is it a pinnacle or not really? It's not my, it's not my white whale. Okay. I mean, it would be cool. It would be really cool. Yeah. But it's definitely not, I mean, like-

What is the white whale if there is a white whale? I don't know. I think, I think I got it. You, I think you've got many of them. I think, well, I mean, Red Rocks is a big deal for me. And such a cool place. It's so cool. And then Red Rocks was cool.

A cruise was a big deal for me. Right. The, I did the Boston garden, which I didn't, wasn't on my list or not my radar. And it was, it was one of the coolest things I've ever done in my career. And then the Emily center in Tampa, we sold, I sold that out.

And that was like, I don't forget what the number was, but it was like, I mean, I was fucking sold at the ceiling and my parents were there. They were in a box with like a bunch of sports guys were there. It was like a big fucking deal. I don't think I have, I don't think I have like, I don't really have, I mean, doing that Madison square garden would be massive.

It would be fucking amazing. Yeah. I think it would be great. I think it would be great. But it's like, it's like at this point, it would be awesome. I don't, you don't want to negate it. Yeah. But I've just done more than I ever thought I do.

So I don't, it's hard to like, What advice do you give the guys that are like opening for you on the road? What do you tell them? Don't stop opening for me. Right. Cause that's the worst thing you can do. That's what we were talking about the thing before.

You don't, you don't ever want to be viewed as someone's opener. So you say to them, stop opening for me. One guy, I just thought I was like, I like him way too much. And I just had to, I had to be like, he needs to do his own thing. Cause right now people are seeing him as, as my guy, which is the worst thing that can happen for me.

Because then you go to clubs and people don't, I mean, you don't know this, but people don't respect you. They go, Oh, he's only, he's only dot, dot, dot cause a dot, dot, dot. And so there's a couple of guys that I had to do that too, because I like them so much and, and, and they're fun. And they're fun.

They're, they're the, I mean, the best and they're great, and they're great comics, but it's just unfortunately you do have to tell them like, get away from me. Yeah. Like when I started working with Joe, Joe asked me to open for him a couple of times. And I was like, I was like, I don't want to, I like, I want to be your friend.

Right. I don't want to depend on you for money. And I don't like, I don't want to be like, look at your schedule ever and go like, Oh shit, he's doing this. Why I'm, maybe I should text him and see that. That's absolutely, I've opened for only a few people a handful of times.

You were one of them. Yeah, but you, but you opened for me once and then you were like, and then I hit you up again. You're like, nah. Yeah. And then, and then, I mean, and I would argue in this, in this algorithm I just created, look where you are. Well, yeah, but you're not, you've never been someone's

opener. Never. You've never been someone's open. I was just, I did that Sandy gig with you in San Antonio. And then I did that theater, now you're in an arena, but I did that theater a couple of years later because I was like, I just want to get to these places on my own. And I was able to do like the Chicago theater on my own

and the Masonic and all these amazing rooms, the beacon. What you've done is insane. I mean, it's insane. I mean, you don't understand. It's like, it's, it's so impressive to see mostly not just the venues you're playing, but from my side, I'm a little more of the business side. How quickly you sell them out.

Like that's what's impressive. Well, you know, I think that like, I know who you're touring with. Like, I mean, Sam talent, Sam talent is one of the greatest comics in the country. He's one of my favorite people. He wrote a book about stand up. That's brilliant.

It's brilliant. You know what I mean? Running the light. If you haven't bought it, you know, you will. And he's going to do Rogan soon. My last opener, Marcel Hernandez is now on Saturday night live and like the breakout cast members. So like the people that I've had, they've been lucky enough

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Okay. So the reality is express VPN is the best VPN. It's the one that everyone uses. And if you're a fan of the show, it makes sense. You get 90 days free, three months, expressvpn.com slash Tim Dillon. And I think that like, listen. I've been lucky enough to like Joe Rogan,

people like you, people like Joe have been really good to me. You've shared your audience with me in different ways. You've allowed me to come on your shows and be funny. And, you know, I was able to, I didn't know what podcasting was when I started. I was able to get into it. I was good at it. I loved radio as a kid.

I listened to everybody, all kinds of weird radio from psychologists to preachers to fucking political. I loved, you know, when I would drive around with my grandmother in Long Island when I was an actor and they had me in like singing class and dance class. And we would listen to Rush Limbop. This is how gay Republicans are created. This is the lab.

The laboratory is a Ford tourist on Long Island being driven to dance class, but on the way listening to a lot of crime statistics. And I just fell in love with the idea of radio and podcasting, I just liked it. And we talked to people twice a week, every week. And those people have been nice to support us in a myriad of ways,

but one of them is coming out to see me do stand-up and, you know, having a great time doing that. So I've been lucky enough that there's a platform to, you know, that I saw you guys when I got out to LA, I moved, I looked at all you guys and I went, that's what I want. Yeah, but you've got the, you've got, there's a gene that you have or you don't have in comedy.

And that gene is, and I would argue maybe I, I'm on the fence with it. I guess I might not need more. Tom has it, you and Tom have the same gene where you do not mind working under someone and figuring things out, but within a matter of seconds, you're leapfrogging over them.

Well, I always, I always like to learn from people. I like to learn, I like to learn. I always learned, I was always paying attention to what they did that I didn't like. And then I go, oh, don't do that. Like that's the easiest way for me to, to get better was to see what I didn't like what people did.

I think I was in LA was an interesting time because I was exposed to not only comedians, but I was sitting down with people like Logan Paul. I was doing his podcast. Logan Paul's, I just did his podcast the other day. You're amazing. You and Logan Paul was so much fun. Yeah.

Cause you know, and I gotta be honest with you, that was the thing that transitioned Logan Paul for me where I went, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to start paying attention to him. Like really cool dude. He's a really cool comedy. And, and so being exposed to like that world and people like the Nelk kids and

Tonimojo, all these people that had built careers on the internet that weren't necessarily comedians, but they were personalities. And you take a little bit for what they do. And then you did that. No one else was doing that. You know that, right? Yeah.

No one else was fucking with Logan Paul. Interesting. And I remember you came and you went on Rogan and you said, if I had all the money in the world, I'd invested in him being president. I would. And I went, and you, but you understand that like, you'll never get this the way I get it.

Right. But like, we were so set in our ways as comics, that we looked at the internet guys as like, whatever. Right. And you looked at them seriously. And you were like, Logan Paul has a huge following and he's putting out content and he's a fun guy and he's nice.

And I literally now look at it. And I got Sebastian Fluffy, Theo, me, Rob Dyrdek. Everyone does Logan Paul's podcast. Everybody. And listen, when I did it, I, I was like, I didn't know him, but then I met him and I was like, this guy's actually pretty cool. I saw him, you know, talking about comedy.

He liked comedy. Like, so to me, it's like, listen, I think there's things you can learn from all kinds of different people. And I think comics get very stuck in whatever mode they're in and the model of doing something. And I got flack. Some of my fans were like, that's fucked up. You would talk to these guys.

I had Jake Paul on my podcast at the Bitcoin convention, Miami with the Winklevast twins. These are hilarious moments in my life where I'm sitting on a stage. You gotta remember, I started comedy in a tattoo parlor coffee shop in Long Island called Wild Child spelled with a Y, like wild child. And I'm sitting at the Bitcoin convention in Miami

where fucking the head of Twitter, Jack Dorsey just got off the stage. Then I'm getting on the stage and I'm interviewing the Winklevast twins and Jake Paul. And it's hilarious, like these fucking awesome, these are insane lives. And to me, that was the fun of it. So the fun of it to me is like not being bored

and creating insane things that are fun. Whereas it's like, I'll talk to anyone. I just messaged David Hogg, the kid from Parkland. And I'm like, I'd love to just talk to you on my show. Oh my God. I have no agenda. He hasn't gotten back to me, that's fine. Maybe this will find its way to him.

But I'll talk to anybody. And it's because like, I just wanna have fun and I wanna do cool shit that I wouldn't be doing if I was still a mortgage guy. But your vibe has always been so authentically you. And not to discredit what I said earlier about loving, finding you or whatever, but when I met you, I just was like,

you ever meet someone and you're like, I'm not done getting to know that person. Like I wanna meet. It's how I guess you ultimately fall in love with people, but it's also how you make friends. Where you go like, when I met Tom, I remember going like, how is he so confident? Like I remember being like, how does he believe in himself?

And when I met Joe, I was like, how is he so curious? I mean, like if that, the one word I'm saying about Joe, he is the most curious motherfucker that I go, I'm not more curious. When I met you, I was like, I'm not done talking to him. And I was like, I wanna get to know him. And I think that's the fun in this business is like, just there are people that look at it in in microbytes

and they're like, how do I get this? How do I get that? How do I get this? As opposed to looking at the bigger picture going like, look at that. How do I shoot in that direction? How do I get in? How do I land over here?

And I think we were cutting our nose off to spite our face with all the interesting people that we could have met. I think Joe is a huge part of that. But you, I mean, I can just say about the Logan Paul shit. I would never have fucked with Logan Paul. I appreciate it. I think that like there, these worlds that we're all in now are no longer as isolated as they were.

Everybody is in the same place. Everybody is making stuff. Everybody has an audience. Everybody's, yeah. This is how I'd run your business. This is what I do. If I could be you, I would love to be you. Wow.

You're so much better than I am. That's not true. I didn't know you were really are like, cause I know how good I am. Trust me, I would love to be you. So what should I do? I would have, how many employees do you have right now? We have one to two.

We have about two. Okay. We have very lean operation. We're going to have to scale up. I know. I know we're going to, we should get more people. You need six, eight. You need, you need a personal assistant

that's dealing just with your touring. Yes. And then you, I agree. And then you need, I would say, I would bring someone on to help you focus on your movie stuff. Yes. And then, and then I would start there.

And then when I, when I'd sign a movie deal, I would say I would, I would, if I were you, I would take control of everything they have. Right. I mean, you're, you're, I mean, I, your trajectory of your career is going to be astronomical, I think. Well, that's very nice to be to say.

I would have all those people in place for when it happens. It's very nice for you to say. And here's the problem is that you're, I know the problem is that right now with small overhead and a big income, you don't have to worry about money. No, that's the problem.

But the other thing is like, I'm a manager. No, I would get, I would hire someone to be your manager. Really? I would really. What about yours? I would, you can get mine.

Did she not like me? Did she like me? She loves you. She loves you. She loves you. Wherever I feel like me and her, there's a weird similarity maybe in a sense. She loves you and she loves you.

I don't, I can't talk too much about, about her because I love her. Like, as I say, I'm getting management's going away. I'll never stop working with her. Her insights, her insights have been golden for me on so many times when I did the Hassan Mournard store, when I created the drive-in movie theater tour. I backed out initially.

They booked me like 12 dates and I backed out and I said, I'm out. I don't want to do it. Everyone was telling me don't do it. And I'm a regular guy. I'm not like this fucking guy that knows everything. I just have, sometimes I'll have crazy ideas. And then I have people in place to put them in place

and then I backed out and she goes, don't back out. Do it. And I said, what do you mean? She goes, I know you. And even if it sucks, you will create content out of it. It'll be worth the things. Let's scale it down from 12 to six and just try it. See if you like it.

And if you don't like it, it's six things that you just try it and you have content from. At least you got out of the house over the pandemic. Just try it. And I went, you're right. I'm going to try it. And I did it. And I fell in love with it the very first night.

And then I ended up doing 60 cities. But she is, and the other thing about her, her name is Judy Marmel. We should tell her name. Yes. Only because she is a gangster. She has the brain. She's got some of the biggest comics in the world.

She does. Yeah, she does. She has the brain that does not shut off for your life. Right. Judy will, Judy's the first person that I did the in practical Joker's cruise. And I pulled her aside. I said, I'm going to do a cruise.

She was like, what? I said, this is like my white whale. Yeah. I was on that cruise with you. Yeah. And you loved it. I had more fun than anyone on that boat. Yeah.

I was saying to myself, like, a bird's going to do one of these. And you even said back then, you said, I need to do a cruise. I pulled her and Nick news for aside. And I said, I need to do a cruise. This, I have to do this. And we put everything in motion.

She, Judy literally never forgot that thing and thought about it nonstop and would send me articles, Kid Rock's cruise, the fucking the WWE cruise. Like she thought about it non, that's the thing that's a gangster about her. I wish I could, I wish. I mean, I'll tell them to say this out loud.

I wish you'd get rid of all our clients and just work with me. Right. That's the move. Right. That's the move, you know, but like, but yeah, she would fucking, she would, you know, she would crush it for you,

but you don't, I mean, like you are so. I understand. Here's what you're making a good point. There is a lot. I do put a lot on the people that I work with in the sense that, you know, it becomes, I think hard to know who you'll need coming up because there's different,

like the movie sides of a different world and like all those things are different worlds. And I don't know in those worlds, I don't know nearly what I know, like in this world. So in this world, I know exactly what's needed. I know exactly in those other worlds, it's a lot of different requirements and stuff like that. But Eli, I'm excited about the Eli Roth thing.

Like I'm excited to, I always, when I was growing up, wanted, I looked at these comedy movies and I always loved them. I wanted to be in them. And then I always, and I think over the last few years, I go, we need more of them and we need them now. We need those types of movies that are like early, mid 2000s, comedy, silly, goofy movies

that people can just escape and relax. And I think we're missing that. Think about how big comedy is right now. It's huge. Tickets are amazing. Like it's as big as it's been on the live side. It feels like. Oh, it's, it's never been here.

How many comedians, and I mean, you've been in this for a long time. How many comedians are theater comics? A lot. How many people are arena comics? A lot. Let's name the arena comics. You, Tom, Joe, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Bill Burr,

Louis CK, if he wants to. I know he's, you know, whatever. Chelsea Handler, Joe Coy, Fluffy. Fluffy. You know, there's, there's others too. I mean, there's, there's arena comics. When we were growing up, it was dice. Right.

It was dice. Then it was Dane. Yeah. And then it was like one person became an arena comic and they were the biggest one in the world. Now we're all doing them. And by the way, I mean, I mean, not to, not to, but arena comics are being,

doing arena is very accessible these days. I believe, I believe when you get, learn, we learned how to take charge of our own careers and isolate our fan bases and go like, yo, this is what I like. You like that. We're all on the same page. Come watch me do stand up.

Back in the day, it was like, you hoped the Omaha Funny Bones sent out a mailer list to get people at your show. No, this is a whole new world. It's a world, a look at Matt Rice, who's killing it. Sweet kid. It's awkward because it's like,

we look so much alike that people are always like, which one is you? And that's tough. I get that a lot with Trevor Wallace. That's very hard. Trevor Wallace also. So like all of these people, like this is a just you can go out now

and make your career what you want it to be. There's nobody really holding anybody back anymore. There's no gatekeepers. There's no gatekeepers. So that energy has got to go away. Like that energy of like any bitterness or any resentment or any anger that you have cannot be justified or rational right now

in this moment in the world. You can be resentful at the government. You can be resentful at your parents. I'm resentful of both of those, but you cannot be resentful at anyone in this business keeping you down. Dude, so many, like listen, I don't even want to talk about this

because it's a personal situation for me, but I was trying to buy tickets. I don't want, I'm going to go into this right now because it's truly something that is real. My schizophrenic mother, we wanted, I'm trying to say how to do it. We wanted to euthanize my mother at a Taylor Swift concert because it's about that time.

And my mother doesn't really even, she didn't really know Taylor Swift, but we were going to explain to her who Taylor Swift was and how cool it was that we got tickets for her and we were going to euthanize her at the Taylor Swift concert so that she could enjoy a performance from Taylor Swift as the, but that would be the final thing she would see on this earth.

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to Montreal Comedy Festival and I wouldn't get it and I had a great audition and I'd sit there and I'd be outside New York Comedy Club or whatever, smoking a cigarette in New York City and I'd be like, motherfucker, but this is what it is. I remember being resentful for people that didn't know I existed. Right.

I love it. They didn't know I existed. I like that. I hate you. I hate these people. For not knowing. And then I'd run into them and I'd be like, what's up?

And they'd be like, hi, I've never met you before and I'm like, oh, for real? Right. But you didn't get my submission tape? Yeah. Oh, I was so pathetic. I would do submission tapes and I put cool music in the front that I thought the guy would like.

Oh God, I wish you had one of these. Oh my God. It was, what kind of cool music? This heart is on fire. I am so pathetic. And then you would get out there and you would go, just do, you would just do jokes. My stand-up was so bad when I was young.

That's the other thing I would say is like, I got really lucky. It's, it's, this is a big statement. Okay. That could get me in trouble. No, that's okay. What's happening right now with comedy is what happened is what is what happens

to hot chicks in comedy. Interesting. So hot chicks in comedy, they get scooped up the second they step on the scene. That's right. If you're beautiful and you're pretty good. Right. Pretty competent.

You're in. You're, you're scooped up and you got spots. You want to, you want to headline? We'll take your headline. Agents, managers, let's get you in. Let's get you into theaters. Let's get you into like, let's, let's do this for you. That's right.

Now there's some exceptions to this rule. And I'll say to Chelsea and there's a big exception. She's beautiful. And man, when I first saw her, she was a gangster on stage. Right. But I will say that that is the problem is that a pretty woman sometimes allies as an exception,

but they get scooped up and they got put in positions that they're maybe not ready for. I got very lucky in that I was just a dude who got to be good or mediocre for a very long time. And then I got pretty good. And then I got that hot chick moment where they put, they go, you're ready for something. And then you're like, oh, I'm already good.

I know how to do this. I've been doing it for 22 years. Right. That's what's going to happen with comics. Comics are going to, they're going to get, they're going to get like a video that goes big online. Yeah. And they're, and everyone's going to be like,

Oh, fuck, we got to go see them. And then they're not going to be ready. It's the last comic standing parable, parable. Parable. Is where these guys could do five minutes, 10 minutes. And then you're like, holy shit, that's the guy. And then they blow it during an hour. They blow it.

Well, they can't, they can't sustain. So does this, does this comedy boom that we're in right now, does it end? Does it kind of, is it the result of we're out of the pandemic and everything, but do you see it ever contracting and going, you know, kind of getting smaller? It has to. It seems like it inevitably has to.

I was saying this earlier. It's going to start when the, when the cool kids start hating us. Yeah. Once they probably already do. I think they definitely need me. They definitely need me. Well, no.

Some of them like me, I think a little, but I feel like that's ending too. Yeah. I mean, once, I mean, by the way, I celebrate it. I'm a fan of fucking comedy. That's the thing. They have to hate us. Dude, when Nirvana told Molly crew to go fuck themselves, that's the thing.

That's right. Right. When the first comic that's like somewhat, one of these kids at the mothership was going to smack me in the face with brisket and then just get on stage and replace me. I mean, that's the thing is like, I mean, it's a gangster fucking move and not to like,

but the, that, that's what makes art cool. Yeah. For sure. Is they got to be like, yeah, I don't want to be a fucking arena comic. Yeah. Fuck you. Well, that's what you all see when we started, when I started, not when you started,

but when I started, everybody had a PBR, a beard, new balance sneakers. They were all in Brooklyn or Echo Park. You couldn't get on TV unless they loved you. We were all doing shows like whiplash and meltdown. It was millennia, Camille and Pete and all these guys. It was the outgrowth of the scene in Brooklyn, New York and in like Echo Park and Silver Lake, Los Angeles.

And then I remember things started to change. Like guy code came in and that started to change. Cause people like code was the fucking canary. Remember guy code and girl code people like, they can sell tickets and they're not hipsters. Interesting. Maybe there's a whole market here that we're fucking ignoring.

And so all of a sudden all these gatekeepers that for a year, and I know some of them, you know, these guys that used to produce these really big shows and they used to work at management companies or maybe some of them worked at Comedy Central. Like they were the ones who were curating comedy. They lived in Brooklyn. All their friends were like,

we're going to this room, never clubs. It was like a room, the knitting factory or Hannibal show or whatever, whiplash. And then the guy code girl code thing happened and it's like, oh my God, so this is underserved market of essentially regular people that are younger that don't live in Brooklyn and don't want to hear arcane literary references.

It will buy tickets and guy code launched a bunch of these different people. And that was kind of the beginning of the change of like, then the clubs started to open up and when some of these new young creative guys that are hanging out downtown, let's have them in. Let's have them in. And the seller and the stand in New York

and other clubs started bringing in younger, hip or comics. And then the old scene kind of dissipated. Oh yeah. And then it just kind of became on the internet. But I remember when we started, it looked nothing like it does now. So I only wonder, and that was, I started 12 years ago.

So I only wonder 10, 12 years from now, if it'll look anything like it does. It's so interesting. I'm going to be fucking 65. You'll be out there. I'll still be hanging out. Oh, you'll be. I'll be hanging out.

I'll still be doing shows. And I'll celebrate it. I actually think you'll still be doing massive shows. I would like to be, I would like to be, I'd like to be like Ron White. I'd like to be like Ron White. I think maybe not as frequently, but I think you'll be out there killing.

I just wonder what it'll be like in 10 years. It might be interesting. Like I'm wondering, right now, every comic goes out to all of the camera. They're all filming their sets. They're all cutting. You know, we weren't allowed to do that. No, yeah.

They would tell you, you can't film in here. Right. And you'd be like, oh, all the time. Because they would, like their idea of filming was this bit. Dude, this kid, there was opening for me. Nice kid. I get to Rogan's club.

I give him a guest spot on the show. I'm doing the honest poppers. And he goes, can I set up a cat? I go, buddy, buddy, buddy. Your first time in Joe Rogan's new comedy club, nobody knows who the fuck you are. You've been doing comedy two and a half years. But immediately he's like, well, wait, what's in it for me?

Where's my clip? I want my mother ship clip. Oh, shut the fuck up. But that's there. That's the way it is now. That's the way it is. And I get it because he's like, what am I gonna do?

Like you sit there and do 500 hours of a podcast. You fucking retard. I'm gonna do one clip. That's a fucking, that's a moment. That's what's coming. That's a moment. They all look at us like dinosaurs. They go, who gives a shit?

You're Burke Chrysler since you're drinking wine. You're gonna just fucking sit there and you guys are gonna talk about whatever. They're basically like, it's a minute. It's a great clip. It's viral on TikTok. And then boom off to the races. And there's nothing wrong with that.

It's the new way to do it. I'm obsessed with it. I can't believe we isolated it. Yeah. One day we're gonna be Motley Crue back to the VMAs. 100%. Going up to Kurt Cobain going,

hey man, I'm a big fan. And he's gonna go, go fuck yourself. Right. Oh, that's gonna suck. I hope. But it's gonna be beautiful because look at the, it's a nice journey. It's a nice journey.

It's a nice journey. And look, Motley Crue came back to doing big tours now. It'll all come, it comes in waves. Yeah. It comes in waves. What sucks, what sucks is. One day, Rogan won't have his podcast.

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine? No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't you say that. Don't you say that. I have to. Do you know that one day, eventually, there won't be Joe Rogan.

There should be only, and this flips me up because for my life, my career, my everything, I've always, I just know that it's going on. I know that he's sitting across a desk from somebody. I know if I wanna listen to it, if I'm on a plane or whatever, it's gonna be there. But one day, I don't know.

Not any time soon, perhaps, but like one day it won't exist. Larry King went until the day he died. That's true. Maybe, maybe Joe will do the same. Joe's gonna go do it forever. You think so? Yep.

Interesting. I'm gonna say Joe will do it forever. I will tour forever. I will tour forever. Everything's forever. I'll do it forever. I love it. But that's the thing is like, it's the funnest.

It's the funnest thing you could do. For sure. Like I understand things will ebb and flow. Right. You gotta go as hard as you fucking can. Yeah. God, that's so crazy. Yeah, what is the future?

That's the question. What is the future like? I don't know what to say. There's a kid right now, in ninth grade. Listening to this. And he goes, and he just goes, this is stupid. This is so retarded. This is, this guy's 50, and he's drinking rosé.

This is sad. And this other idiot's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a hat. And usually wears sunglasses like this, because the lights are bright. And he goes, I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be them. Yeah, I don't want to be them. Hold on, I brought my sunglasses.

Oh, you did? Put them on. And he goes, and you go, somebody else- There's someone, there's someone that's going to look at Mark Norman wearing sunglasses on a podcast. And go, we hate him. And go, what are you trying to do? There's people out there that hate us right now.

There's people- And that is good. That's what you want. You want that. You want it. You want it because it means that there's going to be a natural, that there's still passion out there. There's people that have a hard time

seeing our authenticity in these outfits. You know, me and you, I have a hard time seeing our authenticity. There's people who, I would say, they may have a... Because maybe people feel like we've become like monsters. What happened to us? We used to be comic books. What are we killing?

Yeah, I mean, listen. There's people out there that are going to- Why wouldn't they hate us? You're going to have us. Why wouldn't they hate us too? You're going to hate us? I'm going to hate us too. They're sitting on a stoop in Brooklyn.

They're smoking a cigarette. They're like, that's what happens when you get rich. That's what happens when you become a success. And they're going to become a version of the two. That's the other thing. Here's the deal. They'll become a version of whatever they hate. That's the ultimate irony.

If they're lucky enough, if they don't make it, then they can just never make it. But if you make it, you'll become some version of something you don't love because you have to do certain things you never had to do. You have to think about marketing. You have to sit down with these people. You're right.

When I got into comedy, I fucking hated. Sorry I'm saying this, Dane. I hated that Dane would go big secret coming on Thursday. Can't wait to share with you guys. I hated it. I hated guys that would tell stories about themselves. I was not that guy. I really wasn't.

I know this is going to sound, I know this is impossible for anyone listening to hear. I was not the guy that told stories about himself at all, all through college. Never once did I brag about, that I tell you about the time I got involved with the Russian mafia. There are people that I went to college with

that do not know that story. Because I just didn't, I didn't talk about myself like that. Right. I was the person that was like, not, I mean, I was in the comic, but I was like, let, let, just move forward. Yeah.

And then when Rolling Stone discovered me, look, I'm doing it right now. I'm doing it right now. I'm promoting. Yes. When Rolling Stone discovered me and then they started asking questions about me. Everyone had a story about me,

because that's who I was. I was a guy that partied and was wild and crazy. Right. She heard about the time he took a shit on a pizza box and won an election. Right. Did you hear about the time he, you know. Right.

And then when I got into comedy, I realized, oh, I don't know any of these people. No one knows that I am crazier. I have these crazy stories. If I don't talk about them on stage, then, because I tried to be the fucking smart comic. Right. I remember the first joke I wrote was,

cause I liked Mitch Hedberg. I couldn't write these jokes. And I was like, what if Papa Smurf's middle name was Boner? Papa Boner Smurf. So bad. I did that in an alt club. Yeah. In overalls.

That's, yeah. That was the beginning. And I was like, nothing. And that was the only joke I wrote. Yeah. I figured from there I could jump off. Right. Really riff.

Yeah. Oh my God. I remember that Brodie Stevens was in that room. Barry Katz's ex-wife was in that room. Yeah. Man, how awkward. And then, and then, and then I felt like, at one point I felt like, especially when I started doing,

I was like, if I'm not telling my stories, no one is. And if I'm not promoting myself, no one is. And if I want to make a living at this, then I've got to get in front of it. I've got to be the guy going like, and you know, short sell it. Like, did I tell you about, you know, I always try to take a story and give you the,

give you the part that like, I want to casually drop it to you. Like I fought a bear one time. And then someone's like, wait, you fought a bear? And then I go, oh God, now I got to tell you this story. It's a little trick I do sometimes. I used to do it a lot on radio. Yeah.

When I did radio, but I would not, if I saw me today, when I started comedy, I would not have like. Listen, when you start, you're too cool for everything. And then eventually you realize, not only are you not too cool for it, but literally you're going to have to do some version of what a lot of other people have done.

You got to promote yourself, which is the grossest thing ever, but you have to do it and there's no other way around it. And, you know, you're. And I watch guys not promote on purpose. That's not the move. Shane Torres, brilliant, brilliant comic. You put a camera around him.

And he's like your 80 year old aunt. He's like, get it away. I don't have makeup on. And I told him, I was like, we just produced this land, just produced this special. And I was like, yo, we're sending you to promo camp. Like we're going to take you into promo camp and teach you. Cause there's a part of it that goes,

it's the, if a tree falls in the woods, does anyone hear it? It's a brilliant comic. There's a bunch of people right now that are hearing this and go, I bet he is, but do they go Google him? Do they go find his comedy? Do they search him out?

They won't. But if Shane starts charge of it, take charge of it, then they see his comedy. And then all of a sudden they get a brilliant comic that they get to fall in love with. That's the beauty of promotion. But it is the whoriness of it. Is like, I watched your,

you become a little bit of a disgusting pig whore. And if you, and if you don't, I mean, I've always tried to lean in to just show them where the pig lays. That's right. Like put on a speedo. Fucking learning dance moves. Fucking bring a marching band out.

Let them know that I am aware I'm promoting. But I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm not going to be like, there's not a lot of cool ways to promote. So you got to go big. I mean, you got to go big and you're going to not care. It doesn't really matter. I'll tell you what you can't do. Right.

I mean, I'll give you the ins and outs of what you can't do. Phone up guys. So crazy. We sold out the first show. I, we're adding a second show. This is insane. You got like that energy. Right.

It's, it's, it's like when I first started doing my space. Yeah. And I remember you'd go like, I'm out, I'm in Brea tonight. Yeah. And there was a difference saying, I'll be in Brea tonight versus I'll be headlining in Brea tonight. Cause then everyone's like,

Oh, you don't normally headline. I'm not going to see that show. Right. Like if you put that I'm headlining, then you're like, but there's something cool to be proud of it. Like Stobby just sold six shows in at the Vic in Chicago. Yeah. Dude, I'll tell you what, and this is my two cents.

But him saying, I sold six shows in at the Vic in, in Chicago, such an amazing weekend. I'll see you this weekend, New Orleans and wherever he was. I remember the cities because I go, Oh, if I was in that city, I'd go see me. Just sold six at the Vic. Right. Like that's a cool way to go about it.

I think everyone's got their own little authentic thumb print. Yeah. Once you find your thumb print, then you can talk to your fans a little bit. Yes. Yes. I mean, that, that's a hundred percent the case. Yours has always been a little more humble and like,

and like almost low key, almost like you and Shane Gillis are the same way. Like Shane will be like, and the, but there will be a point. And I, there was a moment where I was, I got a nice cruise where I was like, I do a promo video to start the tour, sell them out and be like, all right, you won't hear from me again.

Yeah. And then you go to arenas and you're like, Oh, there's always tickets to sell. Yeah. You got to always hit it always. Yeah. I mean, I think what my thing is just like some people, you're so creative with it. I'm not as creative with it. So what I do is kind of like, we cut really fun promos for things that are funny

and kind of specific to the region because my show, no matter what I have my jokes, I'm going to talk about where I am. Yeah. So there's going to be things you don't hear that are jokes. Like, so San Francisco or long, like there's going to be, I'm, you know, that's what I do. That's you. That's what I do.

It's what I do. It's like, I have an interest in places. Like if I do Oklahoma city, there's 10 minutes on Oklahoma city. If I do San Francisco, there's maybe 15 minutes on San Francisco. Like I love that idea of walking around the place, putting together my thoughts and, you know, workshopping them a little bit, maybe working them out on a podcast,

but like making it a show that is specific to where I'm at at the moment. Yeah. And it's also, it's also as a fan, as a fan of yours. It's what I enjoy. Like coming here today, I was like, I know how your brain works. And so I go, your brain never shuts down.

It never shuts down. You have something, you're always writing some analogy or some rant on something. And I was like, I'm not writing at all. I literally was like, I got to start writing. I was literally like in the car going, what do we do about, how do we get an analogy about Austin?

Have you ever seen the movie The Swan? Well, and you did it and that was beautifully done. Yeah. That was beautifully done. You're the only person in America, dude, that has not moved to Austin, Texas. You're the only one. Well, it's the coolest place to do comedy. It is really cool.

Those motherfuckers. I mean, listen, it's a fun, for me, I love it. It's a fun, frequent visit. It's, I'll tell you what, I had the most fun. The most fun, the club is the most fun. The comedy mothership and I, man. It's done, you know, I would love 100% Joe's ball. No, it's done perfectly.

Even in a funny way. It's done perfectly. It's done perfectly. It's done perfectly. It's a comic put together, the perfect comic. That's right. And what's going to be cool is, you know, the city, if I worked with the urban planners,

the city planner, the comedy club's phenomenal. Comedy club is amazing. It's great. I love, I love going there. We were, Leigh Ann and I were talking cause we just bought a tour bus and we were talking about finding a, buying a place in Austin. I'd actually talked to Joe about getting his realtor, buying a place in Austin and then getting a place

on the lake and putting the tour bus. So the place tour bus has somewhere centrally located to be. Interesting. Yeah. And it's not a bad idea. We may still do it. I mean, I wish I had bought a place a year ago, two years ago, when you bought a place,

I wish I bought a place then because I'm there all the time. Yeah. To do a lot. And I literally was, as you said, like I still have a house there. I was like, maybe we, Yeah. Maybe I could stay there when I come in.

Yeah. Absolutely can. The thing that was smart is that, you know, it's a good investment to have a spot there. I wish I bought then. Look, I, when I go there, I only see one hotel and two bears, the YMH studios and Rogan's the place. Now I get to go to, now I'm glad the company mother ship's open

because it's, it was, though I did one night there and I had the most fun I've ever had on stage. Yeah. It was amazing. The only other time I've done a comedy club was comedy on state, which is the fucking best. It's amazing. And I fucking loved comedy mother ship,

in my opinion, was better than comedy on state. Yeah, it was amazing. And that's hard to say because comedy on state is the best. Right. They wanted me to tell the machine story. And I was like, I'm absolutely not telling it. And they started going crazy. And I knew Ron White was upstairs and I said,

I'll tell it if Ron White comes down and tells Tater Salad. Oh, interesting. And everyone's like loses their shit. They're like, Ron White's here. Right. And then Ron White's like, I'm coming. Oh, wow. He came down on stage, told Tater Salad.

He hadn't told it in years. Oh my God. Hadn't told it in years. That's amazing. I called FaceTime Leanne Leanne's favorite comics, Ron White, Ron White and Bernie Mac. And so I played, I let her watch it on the phone. It was fucking epic.

It was epic. And you know, the thing that Joe's got going for him with comedy, with comedy mother ship is that we're all going to come down to do his podcast. All the time. All the time. All the time we're all. Well, I'll also go down there all the time

because the club's amazing and it's a great place to build stuff and work out. Yeah, that's great. And I want to do the small room. Yeah. Small room's fun. Yeah. I mean, it's, look, maybe, okay.

Austin is like a husband who won't stop asking for anal sex. That's possibly true. We're like. Something's wrong. We're like, what is going on with it? Like, every time I talk to Joe and Tom, they're like, come on, man, come on, man.

Let me just try it. Let me just put the tip in. That is the craziest analogy I've ever heard. If you're like, what is going on with it? What is going on with this guy that just keeps bringing it up like fucking, I'll let you do it when I want to do it. Right.

Like, let me call you and say, hey, can I get my, here we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they, I mean, they seem to love it, but. They love it. And listen, Tom loves it. Tom's Tom would be happy in fucking anywhere in the world.

You could put time. I've warmed up to it. Here's my problem. I come from New York. It ruins you for life. Yeah. When you grew up in New York. You were also there during the ice storm.

Well, but that, I mean, I remember your tip. Yes. I remember that was my favorite was your, I don't know if it was your Instagram or your Twitter during the ice storm. Yeah. You're like, good call, Joe.

Yeah. It was freezing. But listen, I will say this coming from New York, you just get spoiled, man. Yeah. It's all kinds of different people. It's really cool. It's everything you could want in a place as a city.

You're just meeting all kinds of interesting people all the time and what food or whatever. It's like, there is something. So what, coming to LA was a massive adjustment. And I just think going to Texas was a little, it was too much. Can I tell you, can I tell you? I pop in.

You are doing, you do, I'm envious of the way you do LA. Yeah. You do LA right. I do it right. Yeah. You do it fucking. I was telling someone the other day, I was telling my, I don't know who I was telling.

Now that I say it, but I was like, he goes to like Musa and Franks and Nobu. Yes. And the Polo Club. Yeah. Polo lounge. Yeah. That's the way you're supposed to do it.

That's right. He rolls up thick in a $150,000 car. Yeah. And fucking with a, with a, with a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and sneakers on. And that's the way you're supposed to do LA. I think you're supposed to look like a big toddler. You're bo, you're supposed to like a big rich dumb toddler

with no respect. Yes. That's really it. If you're not doing LA like that. New York, you're in like boots and you're like cool and you're downtown scarf, scarf LA. You're supposed to look like you just got out of a youth hostel. Yes.

Like you're out of a mental institution. Like they can't tell if you're going into rehab or out of rehab. I've sat next to the best restaurants in this city. I've sat next to somebody in a lime green onesie who was like an adult. I love it. Yeah. That's what I love about LA.

That's what I like about the West Coast. That's what I've always strived for in the city is to look ridiculous. To look stupid. To be ridiculous. I remember going to a restaurant when. Cause once you start doing this, it's hard to go back. I get up and I wear ridiculous stuff

and I walk around and it's all fine. I don't know if I could go back to New York where I'm like, I want to look smart. Oh, I can't. And I want to feel, I don't. I could lose weight if I want to go there. I will grip both on both counts. I agree with you.

To me, I'm like, there's something fun about dressing like someone with a real problem. I went to a restaurant one time when I was younger and I said, what's the dress code? And the guy said, you can't wear a T-shirt and flip flops. And I said, but that guy, this is an LA. I said, but that guy's in the T-shirt and flip flops. And he goes, yeah, but he didn't ask

what the dress code was. Interesting. That's great. So wait, what's that mean for me? And he goes, you had to ask so you're not allowed in. Right. I was like, wow, get me to the place where I no longer ask.

Yeah. I remember that was like a game changer for me. The way I looked at things I was like, cause I don't, I'm not really comfortable in a lot of clothes. So I'm like, I'm really, I have tactile issues. And so, and T-shirts and flip flops and jeans, that's my, that's what I wear every single day. Yeah.

I can tell you the exact jeans, the exact T-shirt and my flip flops are available on freewaters.com. But that was like, I remember looking at him going like, oh, fuck. Okay. So that's LA. Yeah. LA is the place where,

and look, I'm sure Joe would hear this and roll his eyes and be like, fuck that guy, fuck LA, you know, like. Right. But like, I like that energy. It's a fun energy. It's an interesting energy to have in a city where you're allowed to. I also like my favorite thing about LA is it is collapsing.

Yeah. And I'll tell you. It's collapsing and I like that because it's exhausting to live in, you know, Hillary Clinton lost because she had an air of inevitability. People hate that. This idea that something's gonna have to happen. Yes.

It's exhausting. Yes. So Austin to me a little bit and Charlotte, I mean, I'm not Charlotte in Nashville and Miami, all of these places, when you go to them, like I lived in New York, I live in the greatest city in the world. Do you know what a New Yorker would say to you

if you said, fuck, this city sucks. They turn around and go, you have no idea how much it sucks. Yeah. Let me tell you how much it sucks for 10 minutes. You don't even fucking know. We shit on it. It was the greatest place in the world.

It's the best our country could do. I was a tour guide in New York City. People from all over the world went all over this country and went, this is truly impressive. LA's fine. There's a few other things. Yellowstone's beautiful. But as a city, this is it.

And we would shit on it. We would shit on it. New Yorkers would shit on it. There's something exhausting about a place where people all feel like they're all read the same brochure. Oh yeah. I don't like that.

There's, as a comic, as a comedian, there's something about ripping things apart that's attractive to me, not building them up. We should get courtside Lakers tickets. Yes. 100%. And we should be those guys. And dress like psychopaths.

Dress like psychopaths. Yes. When's basketball start? This is how bad of a fucking, is basketball coming soon? It's going on right now. Oh, fuck, it's on right now. Next year.

Next year. You don't know, you'll never be there. I mean, you have so, you're so many road dates. Well, let's, let's go. Do you slow down at all coming up? Like, do you, or are you, is there a period where you go during the summer, do you go like, I take a little bit?

No. The one caveat I have is that fully loaded, Leanne, Isla, and Georgia will be on the road with us. That's great. So we'll all be a family on the road, which is awesome. Amazing. There's catering. Right.

There's fucking gyms. There's polar plunges. Right. And indoors, we can do everything. We have two days off in between. We have Monday, Tuesday off or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday off. So we can hang out in different cities. It's going to be great.

Fully loaded. I'm telling you is for me, that's a cheap code for me. But we don't, we don't, I don't take any money from our door deal. Put it all back into the festival. Cause Leanne's like, the only way this is successful is if in 11 years we sell it to like Budweiser. And she's like, in order to get there in 11 years,

you can't make money for the first fucking 10. You gotta make money on 11 where everyone's like, well, this is inevitable. This is undeniable. Right. So that's the big thing for me is, I'll do that. I'm already double booked for the fall. I'm literally, I have three projects I'm supposed to do.

And then I have a tour lined up that we haven't announced. But I think I don't know what's going to happen for the fall. I mean, to watch it is amazing. Oh, well, I appreciate it. To watch your speed and pace is wild. Well, I appreciate it. I don't, you know, I feel like I've gotten to a place where I, I don't know, I don't know,

I don't know how to respond to that cause I go, thank you. Yeah. I know that people, I would listen to a podcast today where some guy was kind of shitting on me, low key shitting on me. Like all he does is work. And I felt like going like, yeah, but, but you don't. Right.

Like I'm looking at your career. This guy thinks he shows up and he does one podcast a week and maybe does a weekend and that he's making something. I go, buddy, you got to step up your fucking game. Yes. Like I don't want to name, I'm not going to name the guy, but I was like, being good at comedy is not everything. No.

You got to do everything. You got to fucking hustle. You got to like, you got to work. You got to work. And, and, and I just think that the only thing I am in control of is working. And so funny. I used to shit on Kevin Hart for it.

Yeah. I used to not even low key. I was shit on Kevin Hart for it. Cause I was like, we all work hard. And it's true. Anyone listening to this right now is like driving a truck to go dig a hole. And it's like, trust me, dig a hole.

It's hard fucking work. Right. But like, I always want to isolate the luck. Like I want to find the luck in the thing that happened for you. So where you're digging the hole and then all of a sudden one day guy was like, Hey man, can you help me? Like my dad, I'll give him, for example, my dad was a lawyer

in Florida for a very long time. And then one, one day a guy from Miami called up and said, Hey, I do this thing. It's kind of like, it's, it's, it's a little bit looked down upon, but I do closings for homes as a lawyer. Normally, like when you close on a home, there's a place like Chicago title that'll close on a home and they'll hire a lawyer and we'll get that lawyer fee.

What I do is as a lawyer, I just do the closing myself. And then I get the closing fees and then I, I waive the lawyer fee cause I'm the lawyer. I'm already there. But can you do that for me? I have a couple coming up from Miami. My dad's like, yeah, sure. And he did it.

Close on their home for them and waived his lawyer fee. And then my dad was like, Oh, that's interesting. It's really good business. Like it's, I mean, I'm not technically getting money as a lawyer, but I'm making money in this closing fee. And then my dad started doing that. And then my dad turned that into a business and sold his business for a lump sum to Chicago title.

But it was looked down upon with by other comics or other lawyers, lawyers cause he wasn't, he wasn't in court. He wasn't like fighting cases. But I remember my dad made a good amount of money after that. And I remember looking at that little bit of luck, that one phone call, if he hadn't answered the phone. And I'd look at that for me all the time. And I wanted to know what it was for Kevin Hart.

That's the thing. I would do a whole podcast on luck, just finding out the one thing. For me, it was, I'd written something about the Louis CK stuff. A lot of people, it was a fever pitch. And I wrote something about it. And it was just basically like Louis, great comedian.

You could think whatever. But I mean, there were people saying, Oh, and you know what? He wasn't that funny or what? It was stupid. And I wrote it on Facebook. And Ari Shafir showed that to Joe Rogan, messaged me on Instagram and said, this is really good. This is brilliantly put.

And then I said, thanks Joe. Thank you. That was it. And then he messaged. Thanks for fucking move. Yeah. Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it. He messaged me again.

Or I messaged him again because he mentioned me on a show and he said something nice. I said, thanks for the mention. Really appreciate it. And he goes, let me know when you're in LA, we'll do a podcast. And then eventually we did. That was my stroke of luck.

That was the stroke of luck. That's the thing. I mean, that was the second stroke of luck. I think the first stroke of luck was I was doing well in a comedy show in Brooklyn. Chris Gethard was there. He got his manager to look at me who signed me. I ended up getting the Montreal Comedy Festival.

I killed it. Dad, I did really well there. I got an agent shout out to Hillary who's angry because I called her fat. Honey, stop. And she was really good. And I said to her when I sat down at JFL 2016, I said, I want to be on the road.

I said, put me on the road. I want to learn how to be a comedian. Put me on the road. All this other shit, the scripts, that's all great. And we'll do all that too. Get me on the road. 1500, seven shows, don't give a fuck. The next week or the next month, I was in San Antonio

doing seven shows for no money. And I was like, let's keep this going. And that was the, and I kept doing that up until Joe allowed me to do his podcast. And it was, you know, we hit it off. And I was, you know, I was really lucky. There's luck. There's luck.

And then there's approaching luck. Like my luck, oddly enough, my luck is Tom waiting on Charlie Murphy. Cause Tom was doing a show with Joe and Charlie Murphy. Charlie Murphy is like, yo, let's go to dinner. Tom's like, all right. And Charlie Murphy was taking a while. He was a little late.

Yeah. And Joe was standing there and, or Tom was standing there and Joe walked past him and was like, hey man, you're really funny. Tom's like, oh thanks. And I think Tom explains it better, but he was like, I just was going to just leave. But I just, I was waiting.

Right. And he was like, I don't even think we went to dinner that night, but he waited and he met Joe. And then I honestly think, because I was good friends with Tom at the time, when, when Ari and Tom were in the car and Joe had heard the Tracy Morgan story, and he was like, God, man, that's a great story. And they're like, oh, that's Bert's story.

And then he was like, who's Bert? And Tom not been in the car. You know, Ari's not a very effective human in moments. Like he's not the guy that like, he's just mostly, yeah, he's usually just high in the back. Just like kind of, I remember Ari one time was like, hey man, someone was telling one of your stories on stage. I go, who?

And he goes, I don't know. I go, well, what did you say? And he's like, nothing. Yeah. I go, why didn't you say something? And he was like, I don't know. Right. So like, but like I look at that because through that,

then Joe messaged me and Joe's, I mean, Joe's a lot of our luck. He's the huge amount of luck for all of us. I mean, you could, you could, you could isolate almost everyone's luck and connected. There should be a thing. Yeah. And I think that's the next degrees of Joe Rogan. Yeah.

I mean, Oh, that was my big time luck. Like 100% cause I had, I had, that was the biggest platform I'd ever been asked to be on. And you were so fucking perfectly. Well, we, I love the guy. Like we, we became really good friends and like, he's a really fun guy to talk to.

And like me and him were being funny and like, we liked a lot of the same. We're interested in a lot of the same shit. You guys are dialed into a lot of the same shit. We're dialed into a lot of the same shit. I don't have a lot of the same interests as he has. You, you're, they're different interests probably. No, they're, I don't even know if we have any interests.

Just stand up comedy. I mean, honestly, I go like, I don't know Harambe. I don't know like, like I don't know that I don't know anything political. Right. I don't know anything about psychedelics or space. Right. Jiu Jitsu.

Like I wonder why he likes me. I think he likes you because you're, he loves comedians. He loves comedy and he loves people that build stuff and you built something. And I think that's probably why I think he respects comedy. That's it. He respects that. Like I didn't know who,

I didn't know who Alex Jones was until way too far. That's funny. Like I remember one time I walked into the, I walked into the green room at the store. Yeah. So I was like, hey, Bert, when are you going to have Alex Jones on? And I was like, fucking never.

Right, right. And it was Alex Jones. And I was like, I didn't even know who he was. Hey, Bert, where do you have Alex Jones on? By the way, by the way, I could never have a mom because, you know, I would just green light everything. Yeah, you go.

That sounds great. I would green light everything. He's a fascinating guy. He's, him and Donald Trump and Caitlyn Jenner are my three. Caitlyn Jenner's a gangster. They're my American meaning. They're the most American lives of all time,

in my opinion, in this era. Dude. Alex Jones, you can't. Who are your three? Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner and Donald Trump. The most American, like, because if you look at all of their lives, you know,

this doesn't really work in another country. Like, a specifically American country, like a gold medal to Catholic winner, marries a momager of the most successful family of Instagram thoughts that's ever lived. Who's father got O.J. acquitted. O.J. acquitted. That's a movie.

It's a movie. That's not real. That's not real. It's crazy. That's crazy. It's crazy. Then if you look at like Trump, this guy who was a wrestling heel

and a game show host on television, and a reality star ends up becoming the president of the United States as a gag, as like a bit. That's another movie. And then the third movie is a guy like Alex Jones, who started out in Austin yelling at cops because he thought the Dewey checkpoints

were unconstitutional, ends up somehow becoming an enemy. He's been an enemy and an ally of everyone on every side at one point. He hated the bushes. And the right wing hated him. When I grew up, they hated him. And now they like him because he was friendly with Trump.

But he was this guy that throughout his career became his own one man media company. It's in the only country. And then had it all kind of, now he owes a billion dollars because of that. Yeah, well, how's he doing? Who knows? I don't think they're gonna get,

they're not gonna, he doesn't have it for them to get. So what happens, I don't even know. I don't even know what happens to his life. I mean, I think there's, there's his cars. He has to give him a lot of things. And then I guess they, there's a certain amount of money he's allowed to earn. And then they take all the rest.

I imagine that's how judgments work. But of those three people I go, what could that have happened in Sweden? Like none of those people's lives are possible in any other country except America. Like you look at the British people and it's like, it's the Royals. But if you're outside of the Royals,

it's not, you know. I would have loved to have been a Royal. Oh God, it would have been amazing. You marry a clean. That's why Meghan Markle, we knew she was kind of full of shit. Do you remember? Do you remember?

You called me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You called me and I was like, this is bullshit. Meghan Markle, the, my favorite Royals, Prince Philip. Interesting. Yeah. He lived. A quiet dignity.

Oh. A quiet dignity, Prince Philip. He lived in bachelor parties. Princess Beatrice. Which one's that? Get up, Princess Beatrice. She's a little, she's a fun. She would be fully loaded.

If there's somebody who'd fully loaded, it's her. Oh, whoa, who is she? She's no model, but she is a fully loaded. She likes to throw a few back. Beatrice likes it and she's a little scary up front. Whoa. But I mean, she likes to throw a few back and she always looks a little.

I mean, I'm assuming you'll never hear this, but what the fuck? Well, they're in bread. Yeah. They're all in bread. I was like, that's Habsburg again. But this shows. Let me see the, I love that they just post

the bad pictures up front. No, I want to see the top one where she looks like she's fucking Skeletor up at the top right, top right, top right, top right. There were that one. That was scary. What the fuck? She's terrifying.

Now go to Princess Eugenia. This is her. Eugenia's a little better. Eugenia, she's a little better. Who are they related to? Who knows? I don't know. She's better.

But it's in bread. It's in breading. It is. It's in breading. No, no, no doubt. Did you watch the crown? A little bit of it. I couldn't get into it.

Everyone loved it, but I couldn't. I loved it. I only watched for Princess Philip. I got to try it again. He was the best. He would just go to an island and be like, bring out the light-skinned ones. I'll fuck them first.

And then they'd be laying around with just indigenous people. And they're like, Prince Philip, we got an SOS. Your something died. And he'd be like, damn it. Kill the ones I came in. Let's go. Yeah, he really, you know,

but you've created a way to kind of be an American royal in your own way. Kind of. Please. Think about it. Please. I love when you pitch me. Do you remember one time I was telling you

I was up in panic attacks and you go, why? It's the best it's ever gonna be today. You're making more money than you've ever made. You're selling more tickets. No one told you you had to quit drinking. Your family's alive. It never gets better than today. And I went, you changed my fucking mind.

No, it was because I- Pitch me on being a royal. Here's why I think you are a royal. You traverse the country with a cavalry. You have your own meat. That's right. This is the way royals used to do it. You travel around with your own, you know, cavalry.

You have a chariot that you own your own chariot. Okay. I'm Prince Philip. You are received when you go to a place you're received by adoring masses. I am Prince Philip. And you do this all while enjoying the spoils of a glass of wine.

I love your brain so much. For a cocktail or a feast. Oh, this is the greatest. Have you ever had a feast? This is you- I can drink whenever I want. I gotta put on fancy clothes at the end of the night. If you describe the life of a royal

to someone who had been on the planet a few minutes and you described your life, they would go, oh, he's a royal. He comes into town with the cavalry. The adoring masses are there. He will feast. He will drink. God damn it, Tim, you're good.

I mean, that's the truth. You figured out a way to be an American royal. Now it's because America and Americans have a fifth grade reading level. But you're King Ralph. I'm King Ralph. You're King Ralph. Berkresher, you are one of the,

it's amazing to see you, what you've done. You're insane. Where can people buy these tickets? Fully loaded is the festival that starts this fall. I don't know when this comes out. I only have one weekend left. It's next weekend. And I think they're all sold out for tops off.

The machine movie is out Memorial Day. We can go to the machine.movie. We've set it up so that we can pre-buy tickets for a live in theater event that'll stream directly into the theaters from the red carpet. I hope you'll be at the red carpet. I'd love to be at the red carpet. I would love to be.

Then everyone go get your tickets for that Thursday show. We're doing a premiere Thursday and we will be streaming from the red carpet. I don't know what capacity it'll be, but I think what we'll do is we'll have everyone that is coming stream right into the movie theaters for the first baby hour.

Go to the machine.movie. Like I said, fully loaded. The cruise is sold out. Tickets are available. We start in Forest Hills. We got Tiffany Addis, Lewis Black. Amazing. Yeah.

And it's the Rupp Arena. Little Caesars. Oh, that's me this weekend. Yeah, those are all done. And then, yeah. I mean, amazing. I mean, it's like, I've been on the road a lot. You've been on the road a ton more than me,

but it's like, it is interesting. It is an interesting, we see more of the country than most people will. And I mean, dude, the most blessed I ever was was during the pandemic. Yeah. People go out in the country during the pandemic, and see what the world was like.

That's right, me too. It gives you a little bit different of a perspective. The most intense thing I ever did was the Alex Jones podcast with Joe a week before the election during the pandemic in Austin. Wow. So Austin, whether I hate it or love it, it's a huge part of my life.

Oh, it's a huge part of my life. I'm there literally once a month. It's a huge part of my life. I know, I mean, I know Austin. I would argue better than Tom. Yeah. Because he's there as much as I am. He's like in Iceland half the time.

Dude, he's... I'll reach out to Nadav. I'm like, can I podcast with them? He's like, he's in recuevac. I'm like, what? What does he do? Ironing out an agreement? He fucking, he's dead inside.

The... Well, you know what? That could be said for many of us. Yeah. We better keep dancing. Keep dancing. We better keep dancing. You know, there was a great,

there was a great, there's a great quote as black jazz musician, older guy, and there was this young jazz kid, white kid, and he comes into this jazz club in New York City called Smalls, a famous jazz club. And the young white kid's like really enthusiastic in everything and he's talking about like, how he's gonna do this and that and this, that

and the other thing, man. And the black, the old black guy just laughs and he goes, and the kid goes, well, what are you living at? And he goes, you better love the music. You know, he just laughs. He goes, you better love the music. Cause all this other shit the kid was saying

was just like ancillary. And like, he was just like, you better love the music, man. And the kid goes, oh, interesting. And then I talked to that guy later and he's like, I fully understood what he meant a few years later. Like at the end of the day, it's not really about the money.

It's not about the clout. It's not about any of the bullshit. It's literally about, do you love the music? Do you love putting out stuff that people laugh at? And whether you do it on the internet or whether you do it on stage or whether you do it wherever you do it, do you love that and that you have to love it?

Because if you're doing it for anything else, all those other things will fade away. But if you love what you're actually doing, you'll do it forever. The feeling, I wish I could give this. I was saying this about chefs the other day. I love making food for people. I love making people happy.

That's what I love about stand-up is when I make people laugh, it makes me feel good. Like I go, I'm giving, it's like feeding them. It's a similar feeling. But the thing I love more than anything is the moment you figure it out. Not the time you kill with a bit. It's the time where you say it a little off,

but you figure it out before you kill with a bit. That's right. So like the time where you go, oh shit, if I say this different next show, it's gonna murder. That moment for me is everything I love about stand-up, that moment, and I look for that. That moment, the only example I can give is the first time I didn't have an end to the machine

and I said, she opens the door, you're coming with us. He spits vodka in her face and looks at me and goes, and the first time I went, he looks at me and goes, fuck that bitch, this is Russia. That moment where I went, I have an end to the story now. That moment is the, that's the music for me is like. I wanted you to do that and I wanted to hear at the end. I wanted you to do some version of like, fuck, this is Texas.

Fuck, this is Texas. Fuck this bitch, this is Austin. Yeah, this is Austin and then the whole place would have completely. But the other part is like, and look, I don't know, no one will get to know it. You may enjoy that rant about me being a royal, but you'll never enjoy it as much as the guy sitting across

from the guy who did it and that's the beauty of comedy. It's like, I get to hang out. I said this at the end of the day. My friends are literally the funniest human beings in the world. In the world, my friends, I can call up, I can call up the funniest people in the world, except for a couple, I think they hate me.

I can call up the funniest people in the world and laugh at any moment about anything. I'm on a text thread. I'm on a text thread with Big J, Dan Soder, Ari Shafir, Sal Volcano, Nate Bargazzi, and two other people, two other comics. And the chat thread's called pussies. And all we've said to each other is,

we're not there yet. I'm not there yet. I'm on my way. And we don't remember where the thread is from. That's so funny. And today Ari goes, I'm on my way. He just, on the way here, he goes, I'm on my way. And I said, I'm five minutes out.

And Soder wrote, I don't think I'm gonna make it. So funny. Grown-ups don't do that. No, this is, we get to live these crazy lives. Like, I think that's a huge- Yeah. Where you have, I have, they're all adults. They're all adults with health insurance and life insurance.

Right. And we're all continually texting about somewhere we'll never go. That's right. And like, it's the fucking best. And I'm drinking rosé on a fucking Monday. In Beverly Hills. In Beverly Hills.

It does life get better. It doesn't get better. I killed the ones I came in. Killed the ones he came in. Burke Chrysler, fully loaded. Go get tickets. He's doing it forever. I love you, brother.

All right, love you too. Thank you.