The Tim Dillon Show - 344 - The New Braveheart

Episode Date: April 29, 2023

Tim weighs in on a grisly story out for Florida, recaps Coachella despite not attending and opens up about why he wants the best fake privates money can buy. Live Shows: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Netflix special: https://www.netflix.com/watch/81616382 SPONSORS: Manscaped Manscaped.com & use code: 'TIMD' for 20% off + free shipping. BoxOfAwesome BoxOfAwesome.com & use code: 'timdillon' for 20% your first box. ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show back here in our home in Dubai, broadcasting from the United Arab Emirates for tax purposes. Very excited to be with you. Go and watch that Colin Quinn episode. It's a great episode. We talk a lot about comedy. So far, 14 people have watched it and enjoyed it. So if you could be the 15th, that would really be helpful.

Uh, subscribe, rate, reveal, like, I don't know, tweet, text. Um, and we're back. We're back. We're still on the road. We've got a few day Chicago theaters almost sold out in Chicago. The Masonic in San Francisco, we have some seats left and it's because people are very scared about parking their car and walking to the theater in San Francisco because they recently just had to call in the National Guard to

deal with the, um, fentanyl, uh, and, uh, homeless epidemic in San Francisco. Hey, I mean, listen, I understand that, but let's be honest. You're a fucking pussy. If you can't deal with that for a few blocks, it's a few blocks. Get as close as you can, bring a bat and walk for three blocks with a bat and then leave the bat and then come in the theater. It's fine. Most people are not going to be maimed going to that show.

Someone will. That's the, that's statistic. That's unfortunately someone walking the show is going to get maimed and maybe permanently, I don't know, losing an eye, it'll be a scar, someone, but it's the likelihood that it's you is almost nothing. It will be someone. Might be a couple. Someone walking to my show in San Francisco is going to get it, but

it's so rare that it would be you to not want to go. It's so statistically, it's almost impossible that it's going to be you. They're going to pick up, like it's going to be a big group of people moving towards the venue and then they're just going to pick off the people on the sides of the group. Have you ever seen lions the way they, so it's not a big thing. Um, and we've got that. We have a casino in, uh, out an hour from San Diego.

I mean, we've come to that maybe, um, I wanted to talk about this, um, because this is sad, um, uh, an Uber Eats driver was dismembered, um, in Florida and Florida is, it's being sold to everybody as the state. And I love parts of Florida. There's parts of Florida that I love Palm Beach now, but the right, there is a rest of it. Now, obviously the Miami is great and I'm kidding. The West coast, Tampa and St. Pete, oh, that's great, but you do have to

remember that 90% of Florida geographically is an unlivable hell with things go on and it's not, it's not a political statement. I'm not like, and it's Ron DeSantis has fall. No, it's just, this is a place where people eat each other. This is a place where there is, you know, behavior that is biblical, biblical behavior. Well, you look at it and you go, this is something I don't even understand. I don't even understand this.

Chicago, we get it. The shootings, you're on my block. I'm on your block. Boom, boom. You know, there's maybe a little more to it, but not that much. Florida is like, I'm going to dismember someone. I'm going to dissolve them in a bathtub. Uh, I'm going to choke a pit bull.

Things you don't think about, you know, you don't think about some choking a pit bull that people do. And they do it in Florida. A demonic MS 13 gang member, by the way, I'm not saying that the New York post is. So I have no issue with the Salvadorians, a demonic MS 13 gang member. Rob them dismembered and Uber each driver in Florida for no apparent reason. Last week, Oscar solace 30, who moved to the sunshine state in January after being sprung on parole from Indiana, allegedly yanked Randall crook 60 and was home on

April 19th and butchered him, God, cook was making his final delivery of the night. And that should be the Eli Roth movie at the next one I do, called the final delivery. Eli Roth will call me. He'll be like, so there's a movie called final. It's called final delivery. And it's based on the MS 13 driver who's dismembered in his home. Um, so he's just a guy trying to find out what he's doing. Um, so he's just a guy trying to make a living for his family.

That's what they're all saying. And he brings them in the house and then he chops them up. What would what would motivate someone to do that? How late was this guy? Can we look at that? Is there is there because I've gotten delivery. I ordered delivery once from a Mexican restaurant and it was so it had moved around so much in the car when you opened it up, the guacamole was all on the top,

like the roof of the styrofoam. And there was just like one to keto. See, I didn't even know where the rest of them were. There are, there are like mitigating factors, I think to this where it's like, and by the way, what was the order? Can we do we know the order? Can we find out the order? The final delivery.

But this is what I mean. You know, months ago, I talked about the gig economy being a horror movie. What the gig economy is, is you're just out there hoping someone doesn't kill you. That's really what it is. You're hoping to God, the person who gets in your Uber or walks into Walmart, doesn't shoot you, eat you, man you, because as the drugs get more potent and as the people that are doing these things are just out in the open and they deal directly with you, they're at your doorstep, they're handing you food,

you're sitting in the back of a car and, you know, they're sitting in the back of your car and you're driving them to their who knows, they're, you know, so at the end of the day, it's like the gig economy, which is, you know, the delivery and the Uber and things like that, let alone the department stores where you're a sitting duck, you're literally sitting there. These things have just this increased likelihood now that one of them is going to end incredibly bad, incredibly bad and you read about them all the time. You read about these all the time where you're driving an Uber and then somebody

gets in and you wonder if someone knows, like, do you know, you wonder if somebody knows, because people say they get premonitions before they die. This is what people say. Does someone know when they accept this delivery and they go to, I'm going to say, I'll, I'll pull your logo because I'm a 13, but I don't know. It might have been Italian. I don't know. Do they know when they pick up that food and when they're driving to this guy's

house, do they feel a little bit in the pit of their stomach? Like this could be, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the last taquito I drop off. This might be the last burrito I hand a guy. What a horrible way to die. You just hand them food and then he yanks you the way the article was written. He yanks you in and now you're in his lair.

You're in the dungeon now. That's how you get kids to pay attention in school. Go. Sure, you could do Uber eats, but I'll tell you, you might get yanked into the lair of an MS 13 guy who eats you. So do you want to do your homework or not? They're saying that. What are they saying here?

So they, they've asked the wife, but she didn't share the details of it. Well, why? Seems very personal. Very personal. So he was dismembered and the guys have been charged with felony murder. Um, he was the last delivery of the night though. Of course, but this is what they're saying.

They're saying he wasn't in his right mind. He was probably on drugs. This is what they are saying. I mean, these people look, you know, like good people here. This is bring that, get that up there. That's really, really sad. This is crazy. What are you doing Uber eats for in Florida?

I know people have to, and that's the comments. I'm going to go, uh, you're out of touch. You got the $14,000 sunglasses. You're out of touch. You don't understand that people have to do Uber eats. I know, but do you? Is there nothing else to do? Look at that.

That's who you're delivering food to bring that up. That's who you are. There should be a photo of him on the delivery where you go, no, I'm not bringing a burrito to him. He's got to get it. If you do that to your face, you have to go out and get your food. If you do that, you shouldn't. You are not getting home delivery.

I'm not bringing you an ex Benedict at nine a.m. You have to go out and get your food through a drive through. I mean, that's nuts. Summer's coming. Are you ready to unveil the beach? Spud Manscaped is here to ensure your body is fully ready for that for the for the wild with their game changing full body grooming and hygiene products. Don't be the guy at the beach with awesome powers.

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I, everyone I know uses it. I love it. Now that manscape.com 20% off free shipping code Tim D, shave your balls. So now Coachella, this was interesting because Coachella just passed and it's always good at Coachella to see a 40 year old comedians going. I have a ticket. Is there anywhere I can stay? Is there anywhere I can stay?

Can someone house me? I'm going to Coachella. I'm 60. Can someone house me? I'm elderly. I've left my family to go to Coachella. Does anyone have a floor I can plop on? Now Coachella is a festival in the desert where there is music and people are let

loose because there's not enough time in our society to really just let loose and relax and there's not enough music festivals in my opinion. That's a big problem. And these are young, usually good, decent looking people that are out there living the California dream. This is the California dream. It's being on drugs, being outside and being in the presence of celebrities. That's the thing.

That's what the dream is. I'm on drugs. I'm outside and someone famous is that way. That's why this state exists and Coachella is a distillation of that. People go on and I'm dressed like a Native American. I'm a white person dressed in wacky garb. I'm in a mud pit and I'm there's Nicki Minaj. That's what it is.

And I haven't been, I'd like to go. I want to see it. I'm not above it. I'm sure it's very enjoyable, but I haven't gone. I'm always working. I'm working. I can't do it. But all of these people that went, the people at Coachella, supposedly somebody

somebody went and asked them how much money they make and if their ticket was worth it and, uh, I guess this was, uh, so the ticket costs about $500. Is there a video of this? No, this is just a, uh, like a pinion piece or sort of like a featurey thing. Just the photos of the people with their Danielle made $37. Her pronouns are, I'm sorry. Now Danielle is 37 years old. Her pronouns are she, her.

Her income is 210,000. I'm a rich auntie. I'm a single woman in the world. Well, that sounds fun. Nothing sounds funner than that. 210 grand rich auntie. I'm a single woman in the world. Worth it.

Here's what she said. I like the diversity of the artists. What? I don't even know. I liked it. I'm not crowded or overwhelmed. Even the food I would say is worth it. Like today, we're having chicken fingers, but yesterday we had fantastic dumplings.

I mean, all these people's brains have been broken. I like the diversity of the artists. Even the food's good. Chicken fingers, dumplings, they got it all. I mean, it's very organized. We were talking about like how East Coast festivals, people are kind of pushy. Nobody pushed me once. Once nobody pushed me.

I have not been pushed. I can eat my chicken fingers in peace without being pushed and it's only $500. Maybe people run into you walking and stuff like that. Well, that's what they, that's what it is. No one's pushing you. What do you mean? On East Coast Festivals, people are just like, hey, bitch, and then pushing you. But we were pretty far up for Calvin Harris.

I didn't feel any surge of the crowd. Everyone is just nice. Gabriel Vieira, pronoun she-har, 27. This is going to be the eighth. 27, this is going to be the age 27, 27 to 37, lives in New York City, makes 80,000. First time in Coachella, worth it. Honestly, we've gone to a few other festivals and this does feel a lot more organized and spacious.

I'm very happy to be here. Well, that was detailed. Rolando Garcia pronouns he they age 26 lives in Austin, Texas. Of course, occupation, none, no income. Unless you count mommy and daddy. First time in Coachella. Yes, worth it. Rolando says, yeah, I've had a great time.

I've been doing festivals for years and I feel like this is a festival on easy mode because everyone is so nice. No one's up against you for any reason. What are other music festivals like? I mean, how lazy are these people? What are other music? Like are other music festivals just mosh pits and fights where people are berating? Everyone's like, this one's easy.

I'm a career music festival goer and Bonnaroo is tough. Bonnaroo is hard. Austin city limits. God damn nightmare. Um, he goes worth it. Yeah, I had a great time. Um, I could just walk up to the front for any reason. Okay.

Alec Mitchell pronouns he him. Now, by the way, not to belabor the pronoun point here, but like, I don't understand the pronouns in this article. Does that mean that they think people are reading this article and then they're going to reference it? Like it's only for me, right? It's only for people making fun of it. That's exclusively for podcasters who are making fun of.

He's 25 years old. Occupation. He's currently studying for the bar. He's going to be a lawyer. He does not have any income. None of these people, by the way, two of the four have no income. They're at Coachella. It's $500 a ticket.

No income. This is the thing people. It's amazing. American society. It's his fourth time at Coachella with no income. He's gone four times worth it. Now remember, remember no income as I read this. No income.

It's a super unique experience and I really like it because it's one of the only places where you can unplug for three days to unplugging from. I never check my text or anything. Uh, Alec, I don't know where you are, but your mother's very sick. Alec, Alec, please answer. Your mother's very sick. You had mentioned something about going into the desert. I don't know.

I don't know if that's, I know it's not work related because you know, you don't work and we don't judge you for that. We know, we know the bar is very hard and you've been studying for it for years and years and years, but I mean, or a lot of other people that worked their way through the bar and I'm not bringing it up, but your mother's very, very sick and we don't know what it is. The doctor thinks it's a stroke. Uh, so if you could please just get back to us.

Um, he goes, I never check my texts or anything. It's just so fast paced. So it's really good for decompressing even though it's a crazy weekend. I mostly go in with the expectation to just go with the flow. It can be really hectic. So I think getting a good group of friends and just sort of sticking with them and accommodating what everyone really wants to see is the best way to go about it.

That's right, Alec. Dylan Boda, 25 years old. She, her LA advertising 90 grand a year, fifth time at Coachella fifth worth it. I honestly think this was the best one yet. I don't know if that's just because I'm older and more experienced and know how to do it. The setting is amazing because the desert is just beautiful and obviously

going with a big group of friends. You're making memories that you're just never going to forget and it's just total freedom, nothing to focus on, but music for three days. By the way, every explanation here has been the most basic bitch explanation of why you would enjoy anything. No one's hitting me. These are adults. It's like, why are you enjoying Coachella?

They're like, I can walk around in the field and no one says, well, hey, why don't you have a job? No one says, what are you doing with your life? It's the most basic bitch reason to enjoy anything. This is why like children enjoy things. Marco Salazar, he, him 34 lives in San Diego. Software developer makes more than six figures. It's his 17th year at Coachella.

God bless. Give it up for Marco 17 worth it. Yeah, because I've been coming here since I was like 17 or 18. It's kind of like a formative thing for me. I love coming out to the desert. I've lived nearby my entire life. So it's kind of like revisiting that time when I discovered music. And I'm discovering more and more new artists every time.

All right. Well, that's nice. Ed Benda, age 32 lives in Los Angeles. Pronouns he, him works in film makes money more than six figures. I think we're just really excited to have this experience together. He went with someone named Molly. Maybe that's a drug or maybe that's his lady. I think it's his lady.

We're big guerrillas fans personally. And that was a ton of fun. And then it was really cool to see Chromio. We were dancing into the night. Da, da, da, da, da. This was awesome. Molly Benda, that's his chick. She's like, this is the best one so far.

It helps when you're with someone you love. We're excited to see Frank Ocean, but also just exploring some new music. Well, I'm glad everyone's happy. I'm glad everyone was happy. Yeah. I mean, these get worse and worse, by the way, 43 marketing, having the scheduled area and the VIP entrance for parking makes the walk shorter. Georgia 17.

She, her San Diego student. Definitely. We met Anderson pack and VIP. Okay. Charlie's Agobon 23 30 grand personal assistant. Second time. I think it was everyone's here for the same thing. Have a good time.

I've only been twice and I've camped both times. It's fun overall. Yeah. All right. We could, it's never stops as they've interviewed everyone in Coachella. The Biden administration is doing something which I like. I think this is good. I usually, you know, I have my issues with them, with them constantly trying to drum

up a nuclear war with the rest of the countries with China and Russia. I'm again, find that objectionable for a few reasons. But what they're doing, which is good. Now, this seems like it's not good, but Biden is raising costs for home buyers with good credit to help risky borrowers. This is a great idea. This is a great idea. This is a great idea. I remember I was around and I was in business when we started to look

at people who couldn't really afford houses and say, no, it's your time. It's your time actually. And I, and there's a lot of money to be made there until there's not. But I'm, I'm really for this because people that have good credit and that have borrowed money and paid it back should be punished so that dirt bags and derelicts can get more. That seems fair. Fair. Home buyers with good credit scores will soon be facing higher mortgage fees as the Biden

administration seeks to close the racial home ownership gap and get more first time and low income buyers through the door. A new federal rule could raise the monthly mortgage payments of buyers with good credit scores. Well, why make it about rate? It's always about race with these people. Never, it's never not about race. It's always about, well, we have to clear, we have to close the racial home ownership

gap. Okay, but if you give people houses, they can't afford. Remember when you did that? We did that. We did that. That was the subprime mortgage. And why do you think we did that? The community reinvestment act. It was the same thing.

We want to close the gap and no one closes the gap in an effective way. They just give sham mortgages to people and disguise the mortgages so that people think they can afford them up until they can't. Um, in the short term, this may increase home ownership among the targeted group, but I'm afraid it could decrease home home ownership, uh, uh, among the middle class. Jerry Howard said only about, you see, this is all things that we're trying to do here. I think it's good ideally to like, obviously you want more people to own houses. Um, but I don't, I don't know if fucking over people that have paid their bills is

the right way to do it. That seems odd. That seems like a strange way to do it. I don't know. So they're going to, they're going to charge certain people less so that they could get them into houses and you know, here's the deal. I think that there's deeper structural problems with why black and Hispanic people don't have the type of, uh, down payments and you should try to address those.

And I'm not saying you shouldn't have programs for them as first time home buyers, but this is exactly why we had a subprime mortgage crisis because Wall Street, which has no morality, was like, great because all they needed was the directive. They were like, get more people in the homes. Wall Street is like, great, good, done. And then they were like, how about this negative amortization loan? You pay your mortgage, but it gets bigger. How about this?

Pick a payment loan. You, there's four options for you to pay. You know, how about a 2% loan? The balloons to 8% like all of these products that Wall Street came up with were supposedly cloaked again and like altruism, like let's do the right thing. So I'm not against this in theory, but you got to realize in practice, it did destroy the economy once in 2008. It was literally the impetus.

We're doing the same thing. We're going, but it's like, it would be like today if somebody said, I think we should research diseases in China. Let's put a lab in China where we weaponize like, imagine there was a disease, like a respiratory illness, but it was really bad. Let's put it lab in China and let's experiment on like, I don't know bats or other things. Let's manipulate the viruses to see how bad they can really get. And let's hope nothing gets out.

That's literally what this is. That's like suggesting a disease, a coronavirus research program today. That's really what it comes down to. Like these are the things that fucked everybody up. And the real estate market right now is kind of bottoming a little bit and it's kind of jumping back. Now that doesn't mean that there isn't some more blood in the water. The average to get more low income Americans and Americans of color into home ownership

is essentially being subsidized by borrowers who have better credit scores. It could contribute to their down payment. Yeah. If you worked hard and you saved money for a home and you could pay the loan back, the fact that you have to pay more money for your house is ludicrous. It penalizes Americans for having good credit. I mean, that just, unless there's something about this I don't understand, which is always possible, I'm reacting to these things in real time.

I don't understand. Also, when all these people are in the houses and then they look at the price of fuel and the price of food and the price of putting gas in their car and the price of everything else, then what happens? What about energy costs? What about all that stuff? What is it just we just get them in the house and then go enjoy, you know? What about all the other stuff they're not going to be able to pay for?

I think then they'll probably go, okay, well, then we're going to do those things too. Listen, not everybody needs to own a house. Obviously, more minorities should own houses. I agree with that principle, of course, but not everybody's ready to own a house. That's the reality. Well, you own like a bunch of houses. Why would you? Yeah, but only until I was ready, I had a house that I lost because I wasn't ready.

Because I wasn't ready and I took a mortgage. I shouldn't have taken. So I know how this goes. You could have given me, here's the deal. People don't realize that you can give people money off and make it easier for them. They still might not be ready to own a house. It's a case by case basis. You can't just throw a house at somebody and go, there you go.

Enjoy because then you know what happens. They're living in it and then they're there and they're getting angrier and angrier because they can't afford it. And then they kill an Uber Eats driver. They yank an Uber Eats driver into their house and dismember them because they shouldn't have been there. What else do we got? I don't really know.

I just, I just think it's a little, it's a little tough out there when you're just swamping people, swamping people with money. The blue check thing on Twitter folks, I don't even, people are like, why don't you have a blue check? I don't even know my password. I have to log in. I can't even get into my password. I can't figure it out.

I got to reset it. It's a whole problem. I don't, I don't carry the way. I mean, the blue check might be good. It might not be good. The Twitter's over anyway. It's, it's not, this is not in its heyday. Twitter's not in its heyday.

But there's a lot of impersonating accounts now because this model is weird where you can just buy a blue check. I guess the governor of New York. So this is a fake account, Kathy Hochel. Okay. So Kathy Hochel is a Democrat, right? Yes. So they had this thing, Kathy Hochel Republican for New York.

Kathy Hochel is fought to make gas green, protect the rights to evict and keep Rikers full. She's bravely stood up to voters, Democrats in Albany and in Congress. Now we're proud to announce Kathy's campaign for Republican governor of New York. So this is fun where people are coming in and they're impersonating people and they're writing fun tweets. And this is chaos. This is kind of the gates of hell that have been unleashed by this new policy where you

can buy. Because the old policy was just, they would verify certain people and not others. They'd verify like journalists, no matter who they were. You have 400 followers. You're in Brooklyn. You're, you know, you're writing on a blog. You got verified. So people got angry, rightfully so.

And now Elon Musk is like, all right, well, let's, let's just pay $8. To have your stupid opinion heard with a blue check. And then there's people in America like Stephen King where he gave them the blue checks back and they're like, I didn't pay for the blue check. I didn't pay for the blue. And then they're like, Elon should donate my blue check, the money for my blue check. He should donate my blue check to charity. He should donate my money to charity.

All the while this is happening. We are the closest to war with China we've ever been. We are the closest to war with China that we have ever been. And people are going, donate one out of every four kids in this country goes to bed hungry. And, and we have Stephen King going, donate my check to charity. If you want to change something, if you want to make a positive change, donate my $8 a month for my check to charity. This is exactly how this country should end and is ending.

People arguing about who has a blue check, whether they should pay for a blue. Think of the dystopian nightmare that we're going to, people are like fighting with each other all day. Why don't you have a blue check? Well, I should have a blue check, but I shouldn't have to pay. Like it's just a crazy thing. We all agree the website's trash. And by the way, not because it's Elon, not because it's free speech, none of that. It's just a bad way to communicate.

Twitter's an awful way to communicate. It's an awful way to have a meaningful discussion. There's, it's never happened. I've never seen one meaningful discussion on Twitter, been on it 10 years. I've never seen more. I've never seen one discussion where I went, huh, that's good. I feel smarter for that. It is awful.

It's just awful. It's like Facebook, awful. It's awful. You know, these things have their moment. Then we realize how bad it is. It's like, oh my God, I'm uploading photos of my house. I have photos of my family on Facebook. I'm connected with somebody I knew in kindergarten on Facebook.

And we're fighting about healthcare. It's bad. When these things come out, they all come out for the same reason. Everybody's trying to get fucked. That's why most of these things come out. People trying to meet each other network. Oh, you got a boat? I'd like to go on your boat.

And then 10 years later, they all descend on what they are, which is just people calling each other pedophiles or Nazis. That's what it is. So it can be fun. I'll fire off a fun troll tweet. It's fun. Some of the things I do are funny on there, but this idea that people are arguing about the checks

and who has the checks and what they could be, you know, and then you see the guys with a blue check. Now he's got 200 followers and a blue check. He's got 200 followers. He's got a blue check. And, you know, it's none of it. None of it really matters. Well, Twitter is the town square.

Well, God help us if that's the case. Christ help us. And I like what Elon did when he let people on that shouldn't have been on, that shouldn't have been banned because they were like, hey, maybe don't get 19 boosters, kids. People's, you know, playing soccer, their hearts are exploding. And the media is going, well, we don't, you know, it's a routine heart attack.

He's 19. It's a routine heart attack. Well, if he had COVID, he would have had that heart attack. Because that's their argument now. Well, it's actually the studies say, the studies say that that aneurysm he had to kill them. If he had had COVID, that would have been much worse. That would have been much worse.

That stroke he suffered at 22, man. See, from COVID, it would have been much worse, but because it, maybe it's from the vet. Like they're now even, they're now kind of admitting some of this maybe from the vaccine. They're like, well, yeah, it might be, but it would have been worse if he had gotten COVID. Yeah, sure, his heart exploding was bad.

But if he had got COVID, do you know what would have happened to him? God, it would have been bad. They're admitting now that we were, what's his name, Fauci Trudeau. They're all coming out, you know, Trudeau, the PM of Canada. Fauci's like, I didn't lock anybody down. And then Trudeau's like, we never told you to get this thing. So it's a complete gaslighting of the America.

By the way, I remember, I'm old enough to remember that when, if you didn't have the vaccine, people were treating you like a pedophile. Like you showed up to the party going, where are the kids? They treated you like that. And now everybody's gaslighting you and to believe going like, no, no, no, we never even, no, no, no. No, it was up to you.

Dude, it was up to you. Here's how much it wasn't up to you. If you even suggested, as I did, that it remain up to people, people went nuts. That was my position. I go, true, because I didn't know about the vaccine. I know more now, but I didn't know then. I just went, choose based on your risk.

I took it. I've been fat. I've been a smoker. I've been a junkie. I've been a drunk. I go, I guess I'll take that. I've taken a lot of things. I'll take that.

Now that was my, but if I even said, how about you choose what's right for you? People are like, no, you're making it. And now literally all the people who told you to get it go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we don't. We don't even, that was like a thing. That was it. That what?

We didn't. I don't even know. So I mean that, that's the issue. What else is going on in this beautiful world that we live in? Very excited for the shows coming up. And then we're getting off the road for a while, which I'm also happy about as well. You know, the other thing I wanted to talk about is Tucker.

Tucker is gone from Fox. I think he'll come back on the internet. He will be, I texted his producer. I was booked kind of to do that show. They wanted me on that show and I was going to do that show. And obviously Tucker has been taken out, right? Fox did not like him. You know, Murdoch had issues with him,

could have been over Dominion, might have been over his private statements, might have been personal. People forget, people have personal issues with other people, but he's gone. My mother is like, doesn't know what's going on. My mother's in a mental institution and loves Tucker. Loves Tucker.

And I'm not saying all his fans are in him. I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to say that. But my mother is so distraught over this. She doesn't know what's going on. She doesn't know Rupert Murdoch why he would fire him. My mother suspects it has to do with his Chinese wife. Is Murdoch's wife Chinese? She used to be, right?

I think she is. Because my mother's not up on his new wife, but my mother goes, I think he, Rupert Murdoch, she goes, he's with a Chinese person, correct? Chinese born, yeah. And I said, yeah, she goes, well, that's, that's what we have. We've got a problem. I mean, now of course this isn't,

Rupert Murdoch is no longer with that person, but this was my mother's idea about perhaps what had gone wrong but I, listen, Tucker, we welcome Tucker to the internet. I'm sure he will be able to go and do whatever he wants, but the Murdochs have him under a contract like a really, I don't know, a contract where he's still technically on. They're still technically paying him. It might limit what he can do, but he's got a lawyer now.

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Um, and this is, you know, we've always tried to handle this issue with like, uh, tacked on this show because a lot of people don't. I don't want to live in a right wing Christian theocracy. This is not what I want to live in. Here's what I also don't want. Um, what I don't want is, uh, children, um, you know, using puberty blocking hormones or having surgery, uh, and then possibly later in life, really regretting that or saying, you know what, I never

knew what could have been because I made these choices when I was young. There seems to be a rush, um, that children that are trans or feeling like they are trans and have some type of, uh, you know, dysphoria potentially are being rushed into operating rooms or they're being rushed into doctor's offices, gender reassignment clinics and stuff like that. I do think that there's a, it's a little bit of a rush.

It's a rush. You know, I've always, I've always come from the perspective of like, when you're 18, you can do whatever you want. Uh, you know, within reason, if we can ship you off to war, if you can vote, if you can do all of these things, you should be able to change your gender if you like. This is really sad though, because there are, this was an 18 year old and unfortunately stuff happens, uh, even at that age because now I agree

that this person should have been allowed to do this, but this is a, this is a tragic death. One of the participants in a Dutch study, um, it's really said 18 year old trans identified male whose puberty was blocked by the Dutch researchers at a very early stage, meaning there wasn't enough penile tissue for surgeons to use to create the new vagina. Therefore a more risky procedure using a section of the patient's bowel was necessary, which resulted in necrotizing fasciitis, which is a

flesh eating bacteria. Um, and by the way, and I'm not trying to take a side here in the culture war, but this is the plot of frozen three. And I don't understand why because the plot of frozen three is about someone who sadly tragically dies because their bowel vagina got diseased. I thought frozen was about snowmen and a nice, uh, castle princess queen thing, but it's not.

It's about someone's bowel being made into a vagina and that vagina got diseased and they died and that's frozen three. So maybe I don't think it's funny that children who go to see who is an Olaf, the snowman have to sit through a two hour movie about a vagina being made out of someone's bowel because they don't have penile tissue because their puberty was blocked at a young age. This is the, I'm not lying. This is frozen three.

And I just think it's, it's too much for kids to deal with at this time. You can be whatever you want to be, but if you don't have enough penile tissue because we blocked your puberty, we're going to use your bowel. That's the thing that you used to go to the bathroom and we're going to make a vagina, but it might get sick. That, that's one of the songs.

And by the way, I don't even think that as a song. I don't think that's well written. I don't think that's well written. I'm a, I'm a fan of alliteration and metaphor and it's, that's very direct and it's unfortunate. This is not right that this happened because now I guess in a few years they're going to be better at this. Isn't that the hope?

Isn't that the hope? In a few, now this is a fair question. Don't get mad at me. The question is, in a few years are we going to be better at bowel vagina surgeries? Yes or no? Are we going to be better at making a vagina out of someone's bowel?

I hope we are. Literally, not kidding. No joke. I genuinely hope getting a vagina in a few years is like nothing. It's like, remember the dentist? It was kind of annoying. That's what I hope it is. I don't want anybody dying.

If you want a vagina, they should be able to give you a fucking puss and it should be quick. It is going to be, what, what will it be at that point? 20, 20, 30, 25, 20, 27, 20, 30. In 20, 30, if you're dying because they can't put a puss on you, we got a problem. So they need to figure this out without people getting necrotizing fasciitis.

And I don't think it should be the plot of frozen three because now in frozen three they lie and at the end the necrotizing fasciitis is cured by the magic of the land, which isn't real. That's not real. But at the end the bowel vagina is cured and the person is free. What do you mean Jesus? This is the plot of the film. This was leaked from Disney.

Disney leaked this. I don't even know why they leaked this. I think because they want to have the fight now. What if Disney had a ride called bowel vagina the ride where kids could see because here's the deal. Some of this is a little freaky, but some of it's cool. Some of it's cool that you can make a pussy out of a lot of stuff. I think it's going to be like how a bill becomes a law.

Remember that? This is how a bill becomes a law. I think it's going to have to be like, this is how a pussy becomes a pussy. And they're going to have to talk about it because I don't want people dying. This is fucking horrible. I don't want people dying.

I want them to figure out how to make better pussies. America, figure out how to make a better pussy. The pussy, you got to get a better pussy program for the kids. Got to get a better pussy program for the kids. I do not want my son's pussy infected. I do not want my son's pussy infected. And if you can't give my son the pussy of his dreams, if you can't give my son, listen to me, medical community,

if you can't give my son a pussy he's proud of, then I don't want, if I can't look at my son's pussy without feeling a little bit of pride, I don't want to deal. I don't want to be involved. I don't want to be involved because that's sick. That's sick. If you give my son a pussy that's gross and green and diseased,

I'm going to be mad as a father, as a dad, as a gay dad who adopted a son who wants a pussy if we just follow this to its logical conclusion. Me and my husband have adopted a kid who ends up being trans and we're dealing with it. And he comes home and he goes, I got a pussy and we're like, great. And then he's like, here it is.

And we're all looking at his pussy at Christmas and his sister's like, oh my God, that's gross. Put it away. And I'm like, shut up. He accomplished that. And then I look at it and I'm like, the lips are green. The lips of your pussy are green. And my son goes, dad, shut up.

I think they know what they're doing. And I'm like, yeah, maybe they do, but maybe trust your old man a little bit. How about you trust your old man a little bit on this? I used to, before I decided I wanted cocks in my mouth, I used to fuck around with the ladies and I never saw a green pussy. I saw some flaps I didn't love down there,

but I never saw a green pussy. Can you trust your old man here? And my husband's going, honey, can you stop? Honey, can you stop? It probably goes away after a few days. I'm like, like they told us the fireplace did. We had to burn it for eight hours. And then the smell of gas goes away.

I'm telling you, you got a problem here, son. You got a problem, you got a green pussy. And I want to take you back. And he goes, nope, fuck you. I'm like, whatever. And then in two days he wakes up and it's worse. It's bad. And I'm like, I told you, and now my son's pussy

is being ravaged by necrotizing fasciitis. My son's vagina that I paid for and he's proud of. And we love, we love it, my son's pussy. And I, and then my neighbor says, what's going on? And I go, you're my son, his pussy. Because I still, but it's daughter, but I still can't, it's hard for me to say, because I just keep forgetting because he was my son for many years.

So I just, and he's okay with it. My son is actually okay with it. He's like, dad, I get it. I'm, I'm, I'm very cheap now, but I get, it's okay. So I, that's what I'm talking. And I go, I'm talking to, I'm like, you know, you know, Ralph's pussy is green. And he, in my neighbor goes, didn't you just get that pussy?

I go, he just got that pussy. But the thing is, you know, we put Ralph on puberty blocker. So he didn't have enough penis tissue to make the pussy. They had to use his bowel and they go, of course. And then it's like, you know, in Long Island, someone's like, you know, Ralph's having problems with his bowel pussy. This is a problem. So I'm just letting you know, because my son also wants a pussy.

And we're not doing it out of his bowel. We're doing small intestine. No, well, Tim Dylan's son had a bowel pussy. Now he's getting necrotizing for shyness. So we're taking a small part of the small intestine for our son's pussy. Folks, I know people might be offended by this. What I'm trying to say is that I want better pussies. I want better pussies for the, for the, and I want better cocks for the ladies.

They want cocks. If you want, I want a hard, thick cock for my daughter. If my door, I want a, I want a beautiful, eight is a little too much, but a seven, like a seven, seven and a half, a nice big cock. It's perfectly pink and thick and round with two nice balls. I want that for my daughter. And if they don't know how to make a cock for my daughter, if my daughter comes home with a rotten cock,

because by the way, folks, this is what's going to happen. You're not winning with this stuff. You're just not going to win. Your children are going to have cocks and pussies for Christmas. You're not going to win. You're probably not going to win. I don't know. I think, I think it's a little wacky too.

I think adults should be able to do what they want, but it's just what it's going to be. You're going to be getting your kids cocks and pussies for Christmas. There's no way around it. In 10 years, you're going to be giving your daughter a, a realistic cock and she's going to open it and go, thank you. And you're going to go, tomorrow we go down to the clinic and get it sewed on. And she's going to be happy because this is what it's going to be.

And I want the best for my kids. So I want my daughter to have a big, thick cock if she wants. And I want my son to have a pussy if he wants, but we have to do better by the kids with the, with the materials we use. We have to use better materials to make the pussy. And that's, that's true. This is real. No one should be getting angry at me.

I know that people are going to get angry at this and they're going to go, you know, this is actually a very serious issue and you're trivializing it. But I'm actually not. I'm actually saying you can't build a pussy out of bowels. You've got to use better material to build my son's pussy. If my son wants a pussy, I want him to have a good one. I want it to be wet. I want it to be wet.

I want my son to have a wet pussy. I want, I want that. You think I want my son to have some dry, like a dry pussy, a dry pussy. I want my son's pussy to be so wet that when he gets up to chair on Christmas dinner, he leaves a trail like a snail, like a snail. Here's the thing. Can I even do the show anymore? Because it's like, can you satirize any of this anymore?

Can you make jokes about it? Like, could what would, what I don't even know anymore? Like, how do you, how do you heighten any of this? How do you make any of this, you know? How do you make any of this funny without, you know, I don't know anymore? I truly, it's like, we're, we're at a point pretty soon. We're like, whatever I do, whatever you want to call it, what I do, political satire, I don't know what you want to call it, social commentary.

It's almost becoming impossible. Like it's crazy to even talk about, but I'm dead serious about this. This is a tragedy and I want, I want everyone to be, to do the right thing. This is not good. They say they got E. coli. You don't want salmonella? I ate raw cookie dough once and I went, am I going to get salmonella from it

because of the egg? But this is what I mean about risks we take in life. I ate raw cookie dough, someone gets a puss, but it shouldn't be a risk. You should be able to transition in a healthy way and it should be cost effective. It shouldn't be hard. It shouldn't be hard and your family should be involved. Your family should be involved in your trend. Like, you know what I mean?

Why wouldn't if you got a new pussy, you'd not show it. Like there was me and this kid, Dan, we were on the road for a while and we used to say this stuff all the time and it was really fun and we used to say, we used to say the sentence where we go, don't be too embarrassed to ask your son to see this pussy. And this was, we said that's going to be the quote of like 2021. Don't be too embarrassed to ask your son to see his new pussy. And that's what I think, that's the advice I give to fathers. That's the advice I give to fathers right now.

You know your son has a pussy and you know he's proud of it. Ask to see it. Ask to see it. You're not going to be aroused. You're not sick. You're not a sicko. You just want to make sure that they did the right thing by your son because you took him in and they're, you know,

giving him a pussy so he can become your daughter. And you're like, I'm cool with all that. I'm fine with all that. They go, hey guys, guys, I'm good with that. I don't care. By the way, I wouldn't care. A lot of people don't care. If your son becomes a daughter, your daughter becomes a son.

Some people care. But you want them to be healthy and happy and have the best private parts they can have. That can't be controversial. It can't be controversial to say, I want my transgender son or daughter to have the best fake private parts they can have. And I'll pay for it. I've got money. I've got money to buy a cock for my daughter,

but it's got to be good. It can't kill her. Your pussy killed my son. How many people are going to have to run into a medical facility and go, your pussy killed my son? That's going to be the new Braveheart. I'm just saying that we got to figure it out. TimVillainComedy.com for live shows, tickets and all the stuff that you might like.

We'll be back next week. Our Patreon, we will see you on the Patreon as well. We're uploading an episode. We are back in the groove of it. Some tickets left in Palm Beach, Charleston, Hershey, Pennsylvania, Chicago, Illinois, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Funner, California, San Francisco, and then Parks Casino in September. We really appreciate everybody for listening.

And I don't want anyone to get offended by this, by the way. This isn't my goal. My goal is not to offend. My goal is to heal. My goal is to heal. To heal the puss. My goal is to heal. I know it's tough.

I believe there are trans people. I don't want to live in the, you know, in the dark ages. I'm just saying when we discuss these things, it sounds crazy because some of it's crazy, but maybe it's just new. Maybe it's just new and you got to get over it. Maybe you got to get over it and you just got to go listen. It is what it is. And these are the new, this is the new game.

The new game in town is to, is to make things easier and better for people and more convenient. And I'm just saying that if my son, if I had a son and they wanted a vagina, I would want that vagina to be top of the line and not a diseased wreck. And people are going to be like, no, there's two people going to get mad at me. The Christian people that are like, why would you ever tolerate your son wanting a vagina? I'm like, whatever, he wants a bus. He feels like a girl, he wants a vagina. And then the trans people are like, you're actually making it all about body parts and you're making it all about this.

And I'm like, but a little bit is about the parts. And I just want them to have the Bentley flying spur of pussies. And if that makes me a bad father, if it makes me a bad dad to want my son to have the top of the line pussy, then I'm not to fuck to have on his person. If that makes me a bad dad, then so be it. But I want nothing more than to be able to look at my son on Christmas morning and go, are you happy? And when he takes his pussy out and shows the family, I go, motherfucker, that's a real pussy. I wish I wasn't a faggot. I'd fuck that pussy right now.

And he's like, dad, shut up. He's like, dad, will you stop? And it's the year, the year is 2030. And my husband goes, you stop joking around about fucking your son's pussy. And I'm like, first of all, it's my daughter. Second of all, I'm kidding. This is a joke. And my son puts his pussy away and he's like, and his non-binary transracial being who he's dating comes and picks him up, who's a demisexual, who's involved in a relationship with my daughter. But my son still identifies as a he-the-she, so I can say son. He's like, I'm making it easier for you, dad. And then they show up and they are like, oh my God.

And my son's like, my dad is joking around about wanting to fuck my pussy. He's such a fucking weirdo. And they're like, your dad loves you. He really supports you. Do you know how much I wish my dad talked about sucking my cock? My dad didn't even want to see my cock when I got it. Do you know how much, how easy it would be for me if I came home for Christmas and my father was joking around about sucking my cock? But your father, because he was a comedian and he's like a fun guy, he's a fun guy. He's talking you about fucking your pussy because he actually took the time to look at your pussy and look at it and congratulate you and affirm you as a person. And my father doesn't even want to discuss it. So maybe I'm not going to feel too bad for you that your father has to fuck your pussy.

I think that's kind of cool actually. I think that's pretty fucking cool that your dad did that in front of everybody. That's Christmas, 2030 in the Dylan household. I'm telling my son he's got the best pussy because I worked hard for it. I said, I was out there doing shows on tour buses, flying around doing podcasts. Why? So you can have a fat, wet pussy. That's why. That's why. So that when your girl puts that strap on and just takes you to town and that pussy's wet, it's actually wet. It's like a fucking flume ride at fucking an amusement park. It's because your father put the time in. You understand that? That's my pussy. I own that pussy. I've given it to you because you're my son and I love you. You're my son and then I grab his pussy and I go, I just want you to remember what I did for you.

Every time you touch your pussy, I tell my son this, I'm dying now. This is a fast-photo story. I'm dying from six cans at once. The doctor's like, we've never even seen this. I'm dying and I'm like, every time you take your pussy out, know that I want you to think of your father. Think of me when you take your pussy out because you've got a beautiful pussy. And then my son's a little older and my son's like, well, it's not the pussy you saw back then. I go, I know all pussy's change, but they're still beautiful. And then I go to heaven and God goes, you did everything right. God goes, ironically, this is everything you should have done. Simply littlecomedy.com. Goodbye. Good night.