The Tim Dillon Show - 346 - Nugget Branding

Episode Date: May 14, 2023

Tim explains why everyone deserves what’s left of the American dream, analyzes a fast food lawsuit and hopes to befriend Twitter’s new CEO. Live Shows: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Netflix special: https://www.netflix.com/watch/81616382 SPONSORS: Gametime Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code TIM for $20 off your first purchase. Babbel US Get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to BABBEL.com/TIM. Raycon Go to BUYRAYCON.com/tim TODAY to get 15% off your Raycon order! Shipstation Get a 60-day free trial at https://www.shipstation.com/timdillon ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. We are here again. Britney Spears has got to go back in. I've been watching Britney Spears videos for the last couple of days. I've had off and I've been on the beach and I've been looking at Britney Spears and I've been deciding that parents know their children

and any parent that locks their child up is not doing it by accident. Any parent that tells the world my child cannot be with you is not doing it. I think out of any type of a situation where there's a choice, I truly believe that we've now seen the benefits of a conservatorship.

We should now be trying to, we should put more people in conservatorships. I don't think this, this is a win for the conservatorship model of life where your rights are stripped from you and you are kept in your domicile, not abused, not hurt, but kept in your domicile by someone who knows better.

Her father clearly knew better. Oh, you think I'm wrong? Take a look. Take a look at the clip. Take a look at our evidence. The flame burned by the fire, that's the way love goes. Put her in, put her back. All you should hear is the clink of a cell closing.

Yeah, I mean, she looks like a drunk girl like from Long Island, who's like out on Tuesday night instead of watching her kids. I mean, this is sad. It's truly sad. She's clearly having some type of break and there's nobody now legally

that can throw her in a closet for 20 years, which is what needs to happen. Someone needs to grab her. You know, the dog that catches from Lady and the Tramp. So there needs to be a truck to throw her in and then take her somewhere that she cannot leave. This is not a purse

and there's a new Britney Spears documentary coming out that all the celebrities are worried about. There's articles about that saying that all of these celebrities are worried that Britney Spears is going to dime on them, that she's gonna say something like, the so-and-so touched me or raped me or I was 15 and that one grabbed me

because supposedly it is a very graphic documentary or it's an autobiography that they're adapting into a documentary. I think it's a documentary, I don't think she's writing. Well, she wouldn't be writing, but I think what it is is kind of like a tell-all and she's going to, you know, she came up in Hollywood. She was in the Mickey Mouse Club.

I mean, the things that she could say probably about certain people would be very damaging. There's probably people now going, we cannot have that documentary come out about Britney because she's going to talk about the time I did something I should not have done, you know, backstage at the Mickey Mouse Club. I was not always, there's people sitting there going,

oh, they're drinking Scotch in their backyard. And they're going, you know what? I was not always well-behaved when I was backstage at the Mickey Mouse Club. I was a little bit, oh, you know? Those were the old days, you know, you could just have fun. Who knew what age these people were? So she's going to come out and probably, you know,

a few people's days are going to be dampened by these revelations that she was, I mean, this is probably the result, and I don't know this, I'm speaking out of turn as I often do, but this is probably the result of abuse at some point in her life at the hands of one or many people. My guess, my non-medical guess,

this is my non-medical guess that at some point in her life, when she started out as what, a mouse catier? Wasn't she a mouse catier? Right, so between mouse catier and now, I believe at some point, non-medical guess, there was massive abuse at some point. Sexual, physical, verbal, at some point between mouse catier and there was a real problem.

And if she talks about it, it's going to make a lot of people uncomfortable. This is the thing, not all child actors are going to end up like me. You know what I mean, like not all child actors are going to end up very well-adjusted, homosexual, ex-cocaine addict, multi-millionaires who are very successful in their chosen field.

That's not going to happen to everybody. I've had a few bumps along the way. I'm not a perfect child. I'm sure if you were my parents, I mean, or anyone's parents, you'd want a quiet lacrosse playing finance guy that has a litter of children in a big house in West Chester County, New York, and has a wife that loves throwing parties and da-da-da-da.

But you don't have that. You have an ex-gay, cocaine addict who thinks Trump makes a few good points. And that's not anyone's idea of perfection. When you have a child, that's not something that you would go for necessarily because you would think an ex-gay, cocaine addict would at the very least not say something about immigration

that would make a dinner party go cold. But immigration's kind of an issue. And if anyone knows about it, it's an ex-gay, cocaine addict. Because I knew a lot. There was a guy who used to sell me cocaine named Albert, and he was not from America. And... Ha ha ha ha.

But what was good about him, and shout out to him if he watches, some of them do. And I don't mean undocumented people, although you're welcome to. I mean people I used to know in my past. Albert had yellow Coke, which was good. Coke should be a little pink or a little yellow. It should be a little off-color.

When you get coke that's too white, it's been stepped on, which means it's been cut up a lot, with things like Anastole, the $100 cut. Maybe they're on to other things now. I don't know. Speed, whatever. I loved Coke. You're loved, loved with an ED. Yes, I don't do it.

I have natural energy. I don't care what you say. Like Mary Ann Williamson, you cannot touch me. I have a chakra that protects me. But the cocaine that I got from Albert was really, really amazing. It was off-white, lovely color, and he barely spoke English.

And sometimes we'd go meet his cousin in the Bronx. And I don't know if they were documented or not. And it doesn't matter. And I'm not saying that all undocumented people with drug deals, I don't even know how I got here. I was talking about Britney Spears being abused at the mouse camp. But my point is that if you are undocumented

and you are selling drugs, they should at least be good drugs, right? Because we're expecting it to be a higher quality, a better class. But the border is becoming a problem. The border is the border, the border. Because show these videos, there are people just running around down there.

It's like spring break, except no one's having fun. It's the Texas border and everybody's running around and everybody's waiting on a line but no one's going to Splash Mountain. It's a horrible thing. All of these migrants, and that's what you call them. I said that the other day and they're like, I don't think that's the term.

Someone literally said, I don't think that's the term. I'm like, migrant is absolutely the term. Look at all these people, okay? This is very sad. All of these people have come to America because they are worried about Britney Spears. And they are, no, they're here for a better life. They're here for jobs.

Some of them are probably here to do bad things but we don't know who's who and what's what and it's a flood of people into the country and we don't know where to put them and now they're shipping them around like a political football. Like they sent 30 of them outside Kamala Harris's house and then they shipped them to New York

and then Eric Adams, our mayor asked them for blow and then if they couldn't provide that, he shipped them out. You remember a while ago, Governor DeSantis of Florida shipped them to Martha's Vineyard. It's like hot potato with these people's lives which is very sad because they are human beings but also they are seeing a lot of the country. You know, that is something, no, to be honest,

I mean, they're seeing more of the country than people that have lived here a long time. Like the idea that these governors keep sending them different places to piss off other governors, you're seeing Martha's Vineyard, you're seeing DC, you're seeing New York, these are the prime spots and I just, you know, it is sad because these are human beings and I often think, what if I was a migrant?

I think about this sometimes, I do. You know, and a lot of people say, no, you don't, but I do and it would be so different to be a migrant than, you know, because you're coming from a place of total desperation because you are clinging to anything, right? And you're in America and you're just kind of, you don't know what's going to happen. Now, a lot of these, obviously,

a lot of these migrants are hard workers, they're willing to work, they will work. They're not bad people, they're not here to cause harm. Some of them are, those are probably outliers, a small group of them that are bad and not good and not, you know, but what is the economic cost of absorbing the amount of immigrants that we've absorbed? It's a lot, right?

It's truly a lot. It's not easy for any country to take in everybody, you know? And everybody's got to have a place to go and I feel like these people right now don't have a place to go. So there were 30 of them were sent to Kamala's house and what has come of that? I don't know. What is she?

Well, usually what happens is they put them back on a bus and then they take them to like another ICE detention center, right? But like this, I think this looks like either DC or... Imagine them listening to Kamala Harris talk and then they decide they want to go back to their country. They go, she's the vice president. She's like, folks, I'll tell you this. Freedom is freeing for you, for all.

And thus, in the way that I believe today, we can make a better union strong and that she walks back in. What's she saying here? This was a word salad the other day. No, I don't believe it. She put my headphones on. She would give us a hard time sometimes.

I'm barely working. What's she saying over here? Everything is in context. My mother used to, she would give us a hard time. She didn't have a mother. And she would say to us, I don't know what's wrong with you young people. You think you just fell out of a coconut tree?

What? You exist in the context. Yeah. She's great. I'm telling you right now. I can't explain to people how big of a fan I've become of her as of late. I cannot explain this new Alzheimer's aunt thing.

She's got like early stage dementia aunt thing she's got going on where she's like, you young people think you fell out of a coconut tree. But what you actually are is you're here. And it's like the craziest thing. Like, I think at this point, that's what I would do because all of these problems really are so unsolvable. I think maybe that's what I would do. People are like, what are we going to do with the border?

I'm like, my mother used to say to me, you think you backed up into a cactus, but that's your ass talking. You know, people are like, what are you, what are these colloquialisms, these strange sayings? She's become fucking the guy from House of Cards. Kevin Spacey, who used to do all those things. My father used to say back in Gaffney.

My father had a saying back in Gaffney. That's literally what she's become. So many times I'm trying to buy tickets. I'm really stressed out. I'm trying to find them last minute hunting down the best price, competing with other buyers for a popular event. Buying tickets, your favorite event shouldn't be stressful. Game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all sports.

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Now, where are the migrants coming from? Because they're coming from Mexico and they're coming over the... Because these border states like Texas are really doing with it. Can we bring them in Austin? Bring them to Austin. Now, what is the priest saying?

I want to hear this priest because what's he saying? Is he making a statement that Jesus would want this to happen? Because that's what these priests always do. They go, if Jesus were alive, he'd be helping these migrants. I don't know about that. There's a lot of shit that Jesus might be into now,

like Bitcoin. Like, would Jesus be a total loser? It's a good question. If Jesus were around today, maybe he would be a total loser, but maybe he wouldn't. Like, if Jesus were alive today, he would literally be the worst person on Twitter. He'd be like, A-Cab, be alive.

And you'd be like, shut up, Jesus. You don't even live in a bad area. You've never even dealt with crime. Shut up. A-Cab, shut up. Everything's white supremacy. You'd be like, oh my God, it's so annoying. Everyone that purports to love Jesus, that would hate him.

Jesus would be on Twitter all day. He'd be leading marches. He'd be doing crazy shit. He'd be like outside Mar-a-Lago with a sign. I mean, he would be the worst unless he changed some of his views. What does this priest have to say about the migrants? Hello, I'm Bishop Mar-a-Lago.

Get out. Would that be great? Imagine some long-lost family members show up at your door. I would throw them out. We are all part of the human family. Nope. That is not... Stop him now.

Mark. Mark. No. Because here's the deal. I'm allowed to refuse the migrants if I refuse my own family. Done and done. Mark, is that the value proposition

you want to set up? Because done and done. He's like, if you... Long-lost members of your own... By the way, imagine that. Hello? Hey, what's up? Hey, man.

If you're dealing, right? Yeah. And you related to, like, you know, your grandfather and your grandmother. You know your grandfather's brother? Yeah? Well, this is a crazy story,

but he actually had another family. He cheated on his wife, and he... Hey, hey, hey, where's this going, man? Where's this going? I've never even met that guy. Well, anyway, I'm like, I guess your long-lost cousin.

I guess I'd be like a second cousin once removed. Maybe. I don't... I'm bad with that. I don't really know that lineage stuff at all. Well, anyway, I need somewhere to say, you dude, I really don't know what this has to do with me.

Sorry. Also, in addition to me, there's 30 migrants from Central America. Absolutely not. Both of you, get the fuck out. Out now! I had a friend stay at my house. I immediately regretted it.

Immediately. I was out of town. Immediately. They left a thing of pasta in the refrigerator. Not even, like, nice. They just made pasta and left it in the refrigerator, like, without a sauce or it wasn't even a dish.

It was just like, oh, I had excess pasta. I had extra carbohydrates, and I'm gonna leave it in your refrigerator. It was just not nice. Let's see if he comes around. I don't like this human family stuff. Now, our lost brothers and sisters, this is the time, El Paso,

for us to live up to our reputation. As dirtbags, what is El Paso's reputation? By the way, what is El Paso's reputation? What is El, like, live up to the reputation of El Paso? It's known for salsa. El Paso is known for making salsa. That they're not known for taking people in. They're not known for being Christ-like.

They're known for making jars of pretty decent salsa. So when he goes, we have to live up to our reputation. I'm a little confused as to what he means. We need to live up to our reputation of making salsa, and we need to bring those people. If he said that, see, that's the argument they need to make. It's like an economic argument. He's like, we need to bring these people in

and have them make our salsa, our old El Paso salsa. That's what we do. That's what we are, and it'll seem more authentic if it's made by people that aren't white. And you can go, that's interesting. And then he goes, then there's more money for all of us. He goes, even though I'm a priest, we need money. I like things.

I like watches. He goes, I fly private. He goes, actually, I'm the chief faith officer of the church that I live in. I'm barely a priest. I do more of the business stuff. And I'm telling you right now that bringing these migrants in is going to free you up to do things you've always wanted to do.

You don't want to cut your grass or do your wife's nails. Migrants can help. They come over and do the jobs you don't want to do. And I've been working with the Chamber of Commerce and we've hammered out some numbers. And what we've realized is that in El Paso, by replacing all of the jobs that we're playing Americans with, with migrants, we can let the rich people have a lot more money

to the church and put into our sexual abuse fund. Let's see the rest of this. I'm unimpressed and unswayed by this man. Right now, our diocesan family is opening four parish-based shelters. And with your help, we are about to open... Only for the kids now! All of our parishes and priests are working to support the effort by preparing food, by volunteering at one of our shelters,

and by praying for the new members from us. By the way, by the way, could they have done some of this for Americans that have broken an El Paso? And I'm not saying they're not, but you know what I mean? Like, having Americans been broken El Paso for a while? Is it right? Some of them are probably undocumented too. Like, having people that have been here for a while,

couldn't they use a couple of shelters and folks? See, this is the problem. Everybody says, oh, you're heartless and you're heart... I'm not heartless. I'm just saying that there doesn't... There's no get up and go when it comes to, like, Americans. Of any color, by the way. There's no get up and go. Where's his, like, let's help a disadvantaged,

a disadvantaged black Americans with shelters? Where's that? How about that? Where's that, Father Mark? There's none of that. He's like, now is our time when we're on the news. Now is our time when we're on the news. Here's what I mean by that.

This is the time when there's cameras pointed in every direction. This is our time. Not when, before, when it was just poor people and we said, eh, that's fine. But now, when cameras are being pointed at us, we realize it's time to shift the narrative from we're a clan of child abusers to, look, here's a shelter, and we've made mashed potatoes for these people.

Time to switch our narrative just a little bit here in the old El Paso Ministry of Rape. Let's finish it. The next several weeks could be challenging. Could be. But we are not alone in this. The Lord is at our side. Hey, man, I hope it works out.

I don't, you know, obviously it's a comedy show, but I don't want anyone to die. I don't want any of these people to be mistreated. I just think we cannot continually have this system that we have where the country is flooded with people and there's nowhere to put them. We are using them as a political football. It does not seem humane to do.

This country has absorbed a lot of immigrants. We will absorb more. I'm not somebody who believes in no immigrants. What I'm saying is like, this is a massive failure of our current government. And anyone looking at this has to say that any fair-minded, honest human being has to really go, yeah, this is not the good system.

There needs to be a system. And frankly, you know, I think right now American needs to just, you know, it's kind of like when the parties fall a little bit, it's like, let's just rock out with who we have right now. Let's not have kids from another 10 schools come in. We're rocking out right now with who we have. We got a lot of people. People are already throwing up.

There was two fights. The cops were called once. They were kind of cool about it, but they left. But if we keep bringing in people, there's going to be more fights. People are going to get sicker. Someone's going to break fucking Dennis's mom's fucking lamp that she fucking loves more than her family. And then everybody's going to start screaming and yelling.

And then eventually what will happen to this party is like, there's going to be a group of Nazis in the party who start going to the rest of the party and be like, there's so many fucking people coming in. We can't have any fun anymore. And then a lot of people at the party are going to go, yeah, I know it's kind of a problem, but you're seemingly really crazy.

Like you want me to embrace all these ideas and like, yeah, the only way to safeguard this party forever is to come over to our side where it's only white people in the party. And you go, wait a minute, that doesn't really make any sense. That doesn't make any sense. We like Hispanic people and black people. They make the party fun. And they go, yeah, but there's so many of them.

And then you're like, this doesn't make any sense. But then all of a sudden there's like crashing and screaming. And then you can't really see what's happening in the party because a smoke machine, someone hired his malfunctioning. And you start going, well, I know this white guy. Maybe this white guy can help me to another room. And then he just leads you and then you get in the room and then there's pictures of Hitler.

My point is that's not exactly what I'm trying to say, but it is. It is. Right now we're a country where the party is at max capacity. By adding more people, people just going to get disoriented. And disoriented people make bad decisions. They do. And they just start going like, hey, let's all racially identify. Let's identify by races, which is not true.

We should identify by classes who has more than others. That's the way it's always been. And that's kind of fair. It's a Republican show. We had a communist show two shows ago. But we certainly shouldn't identify by classes or races. We should identify by regions, right? No, I don't know.

Maybe we should identify by individual merit and behavior. That's interesting. Probably not. But I'm just saying, no matter what happens, you know what immigration would be an issue that the people keep demagoguing all the time. The people on the right wing demagogued so they don't have to explain why vast chasms of wealth and equality continue

to persist in this developed nation. The Democrats demagogue this issue because so they don't have to explain ultimately the same thing. Why people don't have health care. You know, why kids are going to bed hungry. Why people have less of a chance at retiring at a decent age or sending their kids to college. All these things that should matter to regular Americans.

This issue kind of drowns out every other issue. So that's why it's best to solve it. And that's almost why it seems like nobody wants it solved. But it is difficult to solve because at the end of the day, people in America are, you know, we don't want, I don't want anybody to feel like they can't go to an airport, Kentucky Fried Chicken, which to me is what's left of this country. What's left of this country, if you are not insanely wealthy,

is in the Miami airport, there's a Kentucky Fried Chicken and there's a Pizza Hut right next to it. And the Pizza Hut, the pizzas have been left under the warmer for so long that the cheese is all brown and it's like a scab. It's like skin. When the woman cuts it, she's cutting through the skin of a once great empire. And next to it, there are people that are eating chicken sandwiches before they get on a flight.

Before, it's the last thing they remember of America. Before they go back to Santa Domingo or wherever they're going, they take, they get chicken, greasy fried chicken and eat it with mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese before they get on a plane and then they touch the plane seats with their greasy fingers. But I want everyone to have that experience. I don't want anyone to not have that experience.

I want you to be able to take your kids to laser tag. I want your kids to be able to get addicted to drugs. I want you to be able to put them in a program. I want you to be able to become friends with the woman who runs that program who's named Jennifer, who's a little fat, who's an ex-alcoholic, but owns a bar and you go, that doesn't really make sense, but whatever, you know, the kids really like her. And I want you to drop your kids off at that program every Wednesday.

And then I want your son to tell you that he's really excited because he has a month sober and you're really proud of him. And you go out to a dinner and everybody's still very anxious because it's only a month sober, but it's still really cool that he did it. You know, and then fat Jennifer, the fucking weird ex-alchi but still owns a bar that runs the program is at the dinner too. And your son's 16 and she's 28. And then eventually, you know, you find out that Jennifer's pregnant

with your son's child, okay? And she's going to have his baby. And instead of putting her in jail, you've researched the consent laws and you decide to just let it go. You decide to actually let it go. You decide to let it go because you think a baby actually might be a good thing and it might keep your son on the right track. You decide to let it go. You decide to let the molestation of your son at the hands of his drug counselor go. And you have that baby and that baby is very cute

and it's very fat and it's chubby and it doesn't know where it is. And you realize when you see that baby that this is the promise of new life. This is the promise of America and this is the greatness. Your 16-year-old son was molested by his drug counselor, Jennifer. But he is sober now and he's working construction. But Ron DeSantis is now in Institute of the E-Verify in Florida, which means your son can no longer work at the construction job. He comes home and he's upset and you can smell the beer on his breath, the cerveza.

And he's angry and you say, son, why? Why aren't you at work? You have a baby. And your son goes, because Ron DeSantis is enforcing E-Verify, which means I need a social security number in order to work. And you're like, fuck, this is fucked up. Shit, my undocumented son who was molested by his drug counselor, who had this very cute little baby, is working every day at a construction site, which has now been shut down because Ron DeSantis is instituted E-Verify, meaning that my son cannot go to his construction job to pay for the baby he had

with his fucking drug counselor who molested him. What a uniquely American situation. And then you start going, well, what can my son do? What can your son do? It's so hard. Right? He can't do anything official. So listen, he starts moving a little bit of weight. He starts selling drugs. And in the beginning, you judge him for it.

You judge him for it because at the end of the day, you say fuck. You know, isn't there anything else he can do? But then he starts bringing home some money. Then he starts bringing home some money and then there's a new crib. And then he was able to actually pay for a new bathroom for you and your little house. And you're like, wow, this is kind of amazing. And, you know, at the end of the day, we have so much money now. Even if he gets caught and locked up, which God forbid, ideal smear,

you would never want to happen. Even if he gets locked up, you still have enough money to care for that little chubby baby that he got. And his wife comes around every now and then to see the kid. They're no longer together, which makes sense. I mean, these teacher-student things don't last. But she comes around and you've smacked her up a few times. She's a drunk and she comes there all sloppy and drunk when it tits out.

And you go, listen, you're lucky you're not in jail. You fucking rape this. And you say, you go, bid the fare in that, like, Venezuelan accent. And she comes around to see the baby, but you let her see her baby. And your son's finally making good money selling drugs because Ron DeSantis made him not a construction worker. And your son actually says to you sometimes like, yeah, I used to fucking make the construction.

Now I am the king. And he goes, actually, to be honest with you, he's doing very well. And your son sells all of this cocaine. And he starts actually, you know, just, he's got this street team of kids doing it for him. And he's very smart. And he has this system where as soon as anyone gets caught, he kills them. So they don't rat on him. He actually kills them.

They're 13, they're 14. He kills them all so they can't rat on him. And it's very heartless. But people are willing to take the chance because he's paying them so much money. He's paying them an inordinate amount of money to do this. They get much higher percentages than any streetrunner kids do, but they know they have the chance. If they get caught, they get rocked.

And he uses younger and younger children because they evade the police. So he's using 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds to sell cocaine every now and then he has to kill one of them. And you kind of know this because you've heard it from people, but you refuse to really look at the ins and outs of his business because it doesn't really matter, you know? And you remember coming to America and you remember, you know, how hard it was and you're still undocumented and you'd be cleaning toilets and fucking folding laundry and you know how tough it is and all you want is to have that American dream. And your son is ironically having that dream by building a cocaine empire, okay?

And he's working with white people now and business owners. He's laundering money because they get involved too. And you know, he's hanging out with political people and then eventually he gets you all citizenship. Your son gets you all citizenship by being a cocaine dealer and servicing very well because your son also, and I hate to say this, I don't want to say this, the children that are selling cocaine, he's also pimping out to high-end business people and political leaders. So your son is a human trafficker as well now. He's a human trafficker and you hate the idea of that, but he's doing so well.

He's doing so well. He's a human trafficker and an orco trafficker. And he's doing well though, and he's getting respect, right? And then he decides to run for Congress. Your son decides to run for Congress and you're so proud of him and you're crying and he gets elected, of course. Why not? He's an undocumented guy who became documented, who went through the process, who fought his way up and, you know, people don't really know exactly how he made his money,

but it's just construction or real estate. And at the end of the day, when you're standing there, when he first becomes a congressman, and he's done it on the bodies of children, on the bodies of women, on the bodies of the poor, on the bodies of families, he's done it with drugs, he's done it with human trafficking. I want you to see when he takes that photo and that still moment in time where he becomes a congressman, he's done it just like everyone else has. He's an American now, and so are you. And I want you to have that experience.

I do. I want you to have that experience as someone who comes to our country. I want your son to have that chance. You know, and I don't know if it's going to work out like that, but I want your kid to have that chance of becoming a drug dealer, a human trafficker, and then a congressman. That's what I want, because that is the American fucking dream, okay? Raycon is my favorite earbuds ever, okay? They're premium audio at the perfect price points.

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Sign up for free. Free 60-day trial. If you're starting an e-commerce business, 60 days of free shipping, that's big. ShipStation.com code timdillon. That's ShipStation.com code timdillon. That's what I want. What's going on with chicken nuggets? There's a chicken nugget story in the news.

People are angry about their nuggets. People are always going to chicken nuggets. Oh, they're poisoned. Oh, we know. We know it's poison. What's happening? McDonald's found liable for hot chicken McNugget that fell from Happy Meal and burned girl. There's nothing in this country better than having a good scam.

There's nothing better in this country than having a good con. Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Of course. McDonald's and a franchise holder are at fault after a hot chicken McNugget from a Happy Meal fell on a little girl's leg. And Jesus caused a second degree burn. A jury in South Carolina has found. A second jury will determine how much McDonald's, USA, and its franchise owner up church foods will pay the child and her mother. Thursday's decision was split with jurors finding the franchise holder liable for negligence and failure to warn customers about the risk of hot food.

How hot was this nugget? It just was a fiery little nugget that fell on this girl. Or did the mother, did the desperate mother take the nugget? Did a desperate mother take a nugget in a car? I want you to picture this. A mother who's had enough. A mother who can't get ahead. A mother who knows that things don't get better.

That's movie shit. She burns the nugget with a lighter, gets it really hot, and then presses it against her daughter's leg. I think that's the only way this happens. Filana Holmes testified that she bought Happy Meals for her son and daughter in a drive-thru window to McDonald's in Tamarack near Fort Lauderdale. The South Florida Sun Sentinel reported. She said she handed the food to her children who were in the backseat after she drove away. Her daughter started screaming. No, none of this happened.

The mother testified she didn't know what was wrong until she pulled over to help the girl, identified in court as Olivia. The newspaper reported. She saw the burn on the girl's leg and took photos from her eye. No, this is what... Now listen, baby. Mommy has to hurt you right now. Mommy has to hurt you, but you know that mommy loves you. Mommy would only ever hurt you if she had to, right?

Yes, mommy! Now it's gonna hurt a little bit when I put this mignugget I lit up on your leg. You understand that? And you go scream and that's okay, you can scream loud. But mommy's gonna get you something beautiful after this, okay? All right, mommy! And she just lights the nugget. Put the lighter.

And this is what it's come to. This is if you want to get ahead. This is what it's come to. Florida, the land of the fray, and you're lighting the nugget. And then when that nugget's so damn hot, she's probably holding the nugget with, like, something else, because her fingers can't even touch it. So she's holding the nugget.

And the nugget's like... And then she just goes... Before she even has the chance to, like, you know, not do it. Before she has the chance, like, second guess it, she goes... And the girl goes... And the girl just... Because it's so... She's branding her daughter with a nugget. And then she... And then she goes...

Okay, now we're gonna sue, because there's no way... By the way, there's no way. This is the way things work, okay? Unless the kids are retarded. No one picks up a bag of nuggets and goes like this. And I would say this... If I was in court, I would go, Okay, so what? Okay. So let me give you the benefit of the doubt, okay?

Your daughter gets the nugget back. And she goes like this... No. You reach into the nugget bag. If anything, your daughter feels how hot it is and goes, Fuck me. I'm not eating that. And the only burns would be on her fingers. Not her fucking leg.

And then the mother's like, getting nervous. She's like... They're going forensic on this. They're going forensic on this. Pretty good. But I'll be honest, I'm a man who's been... Let's just... Let's not lie to anyone. I've been to McDonald's. Now, when you go to McDonald's and you get nuggets,

every now and then, as a novelty, they're not even good. It's just something to eat in between. Instead of just breathing, you have nuggets. When you get a McDonald's order, I usually get like a flay of fish and a quarter pounder. And then in between eating, instead of just the breath that you would take, you throw a nugget in to just keep it... Keep it going. Now,

there's no way... Everybody reaches in, you open the nuggets. See, the nuggets are in a thing. You open them. You open the nuggets. And you select a nugget. And then, a lot of times, you don't get in the sauce. Now, maybe kids are not using the sauce, which may have cooled the nugget down.

Maybe the kids are not using the sauce right now. But there's no way the kids are just dumping the food on themselves. That's crazy, right? And, well, you don't have kids. That's actually what they do. Retarded kids. Dumb kids do that. Smart kids do not just take a whole bag of food, a whole happy meal and go...

Now, people go, well, they dump it out to get the toy. Yeah, but they don't... Do they dump it on themselves? And even if they did that, the nuggets... The nuggets, I guess, one nugget is so hot. None of the other nuggets are out, but there's one molten nugget. This is the claim. The claim is that maybe the daughter's excited, oh, there's a happy meal toy, and she dumps it out, okay?

Because this is what the other attorney will say. And the judge, by the way, wants to kill himself. The judge is like... Okay. All right. Yeah. Now, you're saying that she was excited about the toy so she did dump the food on herself. Okay.

Usually, they pick the toy out of the bag the first thing. And I would object. I'd go, objection, Your Honor, most children pick the toy out of the bag first. And they start playing with the toy, and the parents have to be like, you actually have to eat your food. They don't dump... Still, no one dumps it on themselves. No one dumps the toy on themselves. That's retarded. They don't play with it. They pick it out of the bag.

They pick the toy out of the bag. Well, we have studies that show that kids are excited. They dump... Okay. Whatever. You bring on your experts. You bring on your nugget. Happy meal experts will bring on ours. Get your experts will get ours. But the reality is this hot nugget, which I do believe the mother probably

either brought a hot nugget from home that she had and heated it up real hot, or just torched it in the car to the point where she had to burn the daughter's leg. The child who was autistic did not testify. Well, that's convenient. Well, that's convenient. My autistic daughter can't testify

that I burned her with a nugget. Yeah, of course she can't testify because she'd tell everyone that you took a nugget out of your purse, held it under a flame like you were cooking a crack rock, and then burned her leg to get some money. She can't tell anyone that because she's autistic. By the way, everyone's autistic now. This is going to be a way everyone gets out of everything.

I can't testify I'm autistic. You just stab someone. Hey, I'm neurodivergent. I can't testify. I'm very good with numbers though. So if you want to do any, you can do that. The girl's parents sued St. Louis McDonald's and the franchise didn't train employees,

failed to warn customers about the dangerous temperature of food and cooking the food too much to a higher temperature. While both sides agreed the nugget caused the burns, the family's lawyers argued the temperature was about 200 degrees while the defense said it was no more than 160 degrees. What a bad defense. What a horrible defense, McDonald. You're arguing about 40 degrees of nugget.

How about know this bitch burns her daughter? How do you have a 200 degree nugget? Can that happen? I guess it can. 160 degrees. Listen to this. In a well-known case from the early 1900s, Stella Liebeck, 79 of Albuquerque, New Mexico, sued McDonald's over hot coffee that spilled on her lap in the car. She received significant injuries,

requiring hospitalization and skin grafts. Well, that we understand, but it's also like it's hot coffee. I remember this is what people talked about in the 90s, you know, and it was obviously broke, broke down politically. You know, the Libby Libs were like, give her the money. Fuck it, stop trying to hurt people. And the conservatives were like, it's hot coffee.

Don't spill it on your leg. You're supposed to drink it. Now, can you get up to McDonald's story about the kid that choked on the mozzarella stick? That's why they no longer have mozzarella sticks, which this is what I've been led to believe. Mozzarella sticks at McDonald's were great, and one kid ruined it by choking on it and dying.

And now if we can, I really believe is that, well, what happened? The last, okay, the sticks are filled with the substance and it's composed, what? Yeah. This is, they prove that they weren't mozzarella cheese, but no one cares. That's not it.

Okay. No one cared about that. I think a kid choked on, I could be wrong about this, but I seemingly remember that during the early 2000s, I mean, getting a McDonald's mozzarella sticks with a little marinara was lovely. And then I think someone died. A teenager who stopped breathing and passed out

after she choked on her McDonald's was saved by a good cement. Okay, that's not. Oh, wait, hold on. Yeah. Charlotte Pape17 had part of a mozzarella dipper. It's called a stick! Mozzarella stick lodged in throat after she had

a diabetic seizure outside the drive-thru restaurant in Abigail, Wales. Whose fault is that? That has nothing to do with the price of tea in China. And they've taken away mozzarella sticks because this bitch in Wales got, you know, choked, she had a seizure and anyone having a seizure

is going to choke on whatever they have. But this is what I mean, like McDonald's puts up with a lot of shit from people spilling coffee on themselves, choking on mozzarella sticks during seizures and burning their kids with nuggets. There's something going on here with this. Unless they gave this bitch a 200-degree nugget. But still, the burn should be on the fingers.

Ow! Not on the leg. It says it got stuck in between the seat belt. That's what it was. What? Yeah, it says right here. It says that the nuggets were not meant to be pressed between a seat belt and human flesh

in more than two minutes. Wait a minute. Wait one fucking minute. The nuggets were not meant to be pressed between a seat belt and human flesh in more than two minutes. So the hot nugget somehow gets between the seat belt and this bitch for two minutes. Now listen to me.

Mommy has to hurt you right now. Do you want a pony? Do you want to live on a farm? Do you want all the bicycles in the world? Because if you do, Mommy has to burn you right now. Mommy has to burn you bad and it's going to hurt. But Mommy loves you and I'm telling you she took the nugget. That's what I would have done if I needed money.

No, truly. If I needed money and I had an autistic child, I would burn them with a nugget. And if I listen to me, if I lived in Tamarack, Florida and I was nearing the end of options and I had an autistic child, and I'm sure they're fun for a little bit, but it gets a lot, right?

I'm just saying it probably does. And if I had a, if I, and I'm thinking of ideas, because you know this mother was thinking of ideas all night going like, I don't want to kill her. I'm not going to Casey Anthony her. I'm not going to throw her in a backpack, put her in the lake. But I want to, I need to get a little money.

And she's looking at this girl going, she's not going to go on The Voice. You know, it's fun when your kid's like a little bit of a star, either as an athlete or a performer. And you're like, maybe they'll get me out of this dump. You know, you take them to competitions and they're like, well, yeah. And you're like, fuck, yeah.

Everybody's like, your kid's a star. I'm like, hey, hey, hey, damn right. And then, but then you got this thing. And you go, well, she's not, this is not, this ain't little Britney. We're not, she's not getting us out with her talent. God love her. She's a beautiful lady.

And we're happy we have her-ish kind of, but we're not going to throw, we're not going to Kaley. We're not going to Kaley Anthony her. We're humans. We're human beings. We've thought about it. We've thought about it. Sure, we've thought.

I mean, everybody thinks about drowning their kid, but we're not going to, ah, ah, ah, ah. But, you know, she's sitting there with her mans. And they're on the bed and he goes, why don't, is there something that could happen in a McDonald's that would not really change her life, but would make us a lot of money. And the mother sitting there,

and the mother smoking a cigarette. And she's like, I could burn her with a nugget. If I took a nugget and heated it up to about 200 or 350, like the hottest nugget ever, and I burn her leg, and then I call McDonald's and I go, you fucking pieces of shit. My daughter has a second degree burn.

Do you know how, like second degree burns are like a real, that's like a decent burn. And I think that's what the mother shit, the mother was basically like, and this is, by the way, I want all immigrants to be able to do this. That's why I'm, I want the immigrants, the migrants to be settled,

because I want them in 20 years to be thinking of burning their children with McNuggets just so they consume McDonald's. I want an immigrant woman having a child and thinking, how can I burn my autistic daughter with a McNugget so I get a little money in this world? How do I come out ahead? How do I come out ahead here

if I don't burn my daughter with this nugget? She just goes, it's almost over. Mother's pressing the nugget on her leg. It's almost over. Look at me. Now, my autistic daughter cannot talk to you right now, but she's very upset that a nugget just came loose from her bag

and ended up between a seatbelt and her thigh. Shut up. Don't ask why. She's autistic. Are you stupid? There was a girl in the backseat of my car who was African-American and autistic. Do you want to ask any more questions? No, we don't.

No, we don't. We're good on that. And a nugget flew out of her bag, a 200-degree nugget, flew out of her bag and landed on her leg and then was immediately stuck between her leg and the seatbelt for two minutes, where she suffered a second-degree burn. And now she can't even look at nuggets

and she has seizures when we go near McDonald's. She just starts shaking. Oh, it's time to pay up. And that mother's going to be driving a nice beam or with a drop top, and that daughter's going to be sitting in the back. That daughter's going to be sitting in the back in just like a big sun bonnet,

like not saying anything. And they're going through McDonald's again, by the way. They're going through McDonald's and the daughter's going to be like, and the mother's going to go, shut the fuck up. It's fine. I know you don't like this place, but that's why we got this car.

So I believe that. I truly believe that that is, and I know it's a comedy show, but there is a possibility that something like that happened. This feels odd. Something feels odd here. And I do believe there is a possibility this mother burned her child with this nugget.

And that's why I focused on this story today, because, and I don't judge no one. I don't judge no one on this show. I have not walked a mile in her shoes. I don't know what she's going through. It's the only way out is to burn your autistic daughter with a nugget in the leg. Fuck it.

I don't judge you. I might not do it. I might. I don't know. I might. I don't know where she's at. I don't know where she's at. But I'm telling you right now,

I don't judge anyone for their act. I'm just, when that girl can speak, when that bitch does start to talk, she's going to tell us a tale. When that girl starts to talk, what if this girl keeps having shit done to her? Like in a string of bad luck. In a string of bad luck,

this girl lost her eye to a French toast stick at Burger King. It's amazing because the French toast stick was so hot that it seared her eyes shut. And now she can't, you know, she can't see. And that just happened a year later. Odd. What if this mother just takes this girl around to different Florida, you know,

fast food restaurants in Florida and maims her? Put a spring in your step with SiriusXM. Every time. It's like a munch housings by proxy, but it's all fast food. This girl contracted HIV at Polotropical. At O'ahuah, this girl was gang raped. Are they going to agegate this again?

Is there going to agegate it again? Why? But I don't understand. I don't get this agegating. I don't understand. It's like going rumble. It's like Steve Bannon, Roger Stone, and like the graphic is like four lizard guys, and then it's me.

It's like, I don't, I can't do that. I'm just, God, I don't know if they'll agegate this, but this is funny, but I don't know anymore. I don't know if they're going to, because of the last section, agegate it, but they shouldn't. It's satirical. It's satirical.

Should we just be the agegate people? We're like, there's only 200,000 people that listen to the show, and they all sign in, and they're like, fuck it, we know it's going to be, Louis C.K. was like, you should do that. Just have everyone sign in because they know it's like, this is not, you know what I mean? This is, but you know, I'm hoping, you know,

I'm exploring the news. Because I do say that I'd burn an autistic child with a McNugget. I do say that, but I'm putting myself in the position of a desperate mother in Florida. There's an art to this, folks. There's an art to it, and if you don't want it, if you don't care, you don't care.

I love my audio people. I love you guys on YouTube too, but we got hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people, about half a million people that listen on audio that just want to hear the show as an audio show. And I respect them. And then we also have the YouTube people, and they've really fucked us recently.

And you know, I don't want to talk about it because then it becomes more real, even though I am. But that's just kind of the way it is. But you know, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't think of censoring myself because it is funny. It is funny if the mother goes,

she calls a lawyer and goes, my daughter is just getting raped in a wawa. And they go, we, and they go listen to me. We, no one went in the bathroom after her. We have the tapes. We have the tapes. You fucking liar. Is this the girl that got burned with the nugget?

Is this the nugget girl, the girl that got burned with the nugget? And the girl with a fucking, with a French toast take from Burger King, took out her eye. And there's just a moment of silence and the mother goes, yes. And then she was getting raped in a wawa.

And that's what you want. You're expecting us to believe this. Yes. I mean, it's just timdillacomedy.com. We have shows coming up. Denver Comedy Works, the great club in Denver. We're doing one out in the suburbs because it's bigger and it can hold more people in Greenwood Village, Colorado.

It's just a small drive that side of Denver and it's Comedy Works South. 27th, 28th, 29th, we're going to be there. Saturday, July 22nd, Las Vegas, Nevada, the Encore Theater at the win. Sunday, the 17th, San Francisco, California at the Masonic Theater are a few tickets left for the Chicago Theater.

We are almost all sold out at the Chicago Theater, but there's a few tickets left. Grab them. They will go. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the PAPS Theater. There's some tickets there. Harris Resort in Funner, California. I was, I had made fun of this date,

but actually after thinking about it and reading my contract, I decided it's the greatest thing in the world. Because it's a casino in Funner, California and I'm going to be there. So to be honest, everyone should go now. It's going to be good. I love it.

It's going to be fun. It will be fun. You need to come. Come because these casinos talk to each other. Come. Remember Kamala? She's like, don't come. It's the opposite of that.

It's actually come now. You should go to that. Charleston and Hershey are doing great with Shane and Nick and Jay. And then what else do we have? What else do we have? Parks Casino on September 8th and 9th. Ben Salem, Pennsylvania.

Parks Casino. We have some new and big announcements coming out live wise. The book that we're working on, we're going to talk about later and we're going to talk more about it because we do have a book coming out that I've been working on

and I'm very excited about it. And there's some movies coming out next year. It's very exciting year. I'm praying they don't agegate this because, you know, all I can do is pray to the gods of tech, to Linda Jacarino, the new CEO of Twitter.

Please, Linda Jacarino. Yack attack. Please, you big ravioli, you big Mussolini-supporting fucking tuba madagot. Help me here. I might move my show to Twitter. I'm telling you right now, folks, if fucking YouTube keeps fucking with me,

I will join Linda Jacarino and these fucking guineas over on Twitter. I will join Linda Jacarino and those little, that little Costco meatball. But no, maybe we should, maybe we should do the show on Twitter, can we? We released it there. I guess we should see how Tucker's show goes.

That is true. But I will say that if, you know, if people keep fucking with me, Daddy might have to just pull the chute and go over there with Linda Jacarino and some eggplant permacil. Hang on, what are you doing over there? What are you doing over there?

You got an Italian running Twitter. What are you doing over there? You know what the first thing she's doing over there? You got an Italian over there running Twitter now. She made the character limit fucking yelling, Come on! Linda Jacarino, you heard about this? They got a fucking Italian from the old country.

I am Bob. Come on. I am Bob. You're running Twitter. You're running Twitter. You're an ass. It's like how the Rogan one get for crazier. His impression is becoming like a demonic force.

You know? It's just like something in the night. Like... It's like a doll that's malfunctioning. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying? But yeah, I mean, all I do is pray. I pray for the children and for the future and for the hope. And for the hope of the... You know, so that's to me. I just can't keep being fucked with by these tech utopians. But that's why I got Linda Yaks, Linda Jacarino. Because she understands what it's like to have an antipost.

To have some fucking roasted red pepper, some tomato, some balsamic, some oil. She understands focaccia bread. She understands a fucking spicy reggaetoni, a little meatball, a little garlic bread, a little Nona's, Sunday sauce. And then they do it over there. She's there with the Sunday sauce.

She making a sauce on the sundae. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hello, Mark. Hello. Hello. Um... I don't think he likes me. Use what I'd say.

Linda, email me. I've met Elon. I've met these people. We might have to go over there. What about Tucker leading into the Tim Dillon show? I mean, you talk about primetime broadcasting over there. Meatballs. I'm not going to call him Meatball. It's just funny. She's Italian.

So now, Tucker leads into like, Tim, I have like the late night show on Twitter. Why do I not have the late night show on Twitter? I should have the late night show on Twitter. Things are moving. Things are happening. You should be in entertainment. Shut up. Yes. But I'm telling you,

I'm telling you that I should absolutely like push this further. But maybe, maybe they won't fuck with me. Putting it out there, putting the vibes, putting the vibes, good vibes. It's good vibes. It's just good vibes. That's what the immigrants need.

The migrants they need better vibes. The reality is, because I see them and I go, not good vibes. They're getting off buses, which ready. It's like, ugh. And then they're like holding towel. I don't, hey, we need vibes. This country needs vibes right now.

Like chill vibes. Why don't we drop the migrants off at Brook and Connor studio of like the Tim Dillon? Can we drop 30 migrants at Brook and Connor studio? I will personally pay to drop 30 migrants off at Brook and Connor studio. Connor will be like, bro, there's people outside. They're like, I don't know.

The vibes are weird. Connor, they're migrants. They're from like a different place. They're from like a different place. Yeah. Where are they from? They're from like Central America. Isn't that like Texas? No.

Like, just like South America. It's like Central, South America. It's like different. Oh. They're like, they're like cool though. Like they're chill. There's like one guy and he's got like one shoe. That's like chill.

Connor, he like lost his shoe. Oh, that's fucked. That's like fucked. All right. Well, we're going to interview them. That'd be great. I will drop off. I will drop off the migrants at Brook and Connor studio. Just just see that. That would be great.

I'm like, this is a different town hall hosted by Brooke and Connor. Why not? Like, what can you expect when you come to America? And then Brooke and Connor explain to the migrants like how America works. Have you been to Aeron? I just don't know. Everyone's like, it's like, it's like healthy. And then it's like expensive.

But it's like, it's like super chill. I. That's that. You know, it's like, well, these like just fucking. People have no idea. that have no idea what's happening. It's funny though, it's a funny idea like let influencers take migrants around LA and like show them like what life is about.

It's not a bad show. Like that's something that I would get behind. Like influencers bringing migrants to like hot spots, like Tana Mojo teaching a migrant woman to take her tits out. She goes, no, you put your tits out and then you take the photo and that's how you get the money, the denero.

Oh, this is good, this is not a bad idea. TimDillonComedy.com, buy tickets to these live shows please because when they take me off this fucking, when they take me out of the internet, when Linda Yuccarino and fucking the big boss man when they take me off the internet for making fun of them, for making fun of their Italian heritage,

I'm gonna have to burn my daughter with nuggets to get by, goodnight. Is clutter taking over your home? Valtra Storage is convenient. Door-to-door storage pickup and delivery service is here to help. Our team will pick up, catalog, store and return your items at your convenience.

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