The Tim Dillon Show - 347 - They Come & Go

Episode Date: May 21, 2023

Tim wades into whether Meghan Markle cooked up a paparazzi chase, shares why dogs should be barred from restaurants and where Bud Light’s advertising may be heading. Live Shows: http://timdilloncomedy.com/#shows Bonus episodes: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Netflix special: https://www.netflix.com/watch/81616382 SPONSORS: BlueChew.com & Use Code: 'TD' Express VPN EXPRESSVPN.com/TimDillon ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. We are here again for your viewing pleasure. Very sad, the horse's restaurant in Los Angeles, which I've never been to, is closing and it is a tragedy. Chef of Hollywood Hotspot Horses accuses husband and co-owner of physical assault and animal abuse. A friend of mine texted me the inside scoop on why this is happening.

And this is the text that I got. You guys, I have the scoop on why horses is closing and it's insane. Apparently it'll come out in the press soon. Apparently Liz and Will are 50-50 partners and they had a bunch of cats and the cats kept dying and they didn't know why. One day Liz came home to Will,

masturbating while choking the cat. He had been killing all the cats as his way of getting off. And that, my friends, is why horses is closing. You heard it here first. Apparently he did it to eight cats. So R.I.P. to the horses restaurant in Los Angeles, they come and they go. It's unfortunate, we're not gonna spend too much time

on that, but you know what I always say? Sometimes it's good to move on. People have differences of opinion. People have different lives and lifestyles and ultimately different things out of life. I think this man wanted to get off while murdering cats and his wife did not. She also attempted that he tried to feed the cat to coyotes

because he didn't like it. And she said she caught him violently shaking the cat late at night. We're applying the pet died the next day. Will put the dead cat in the trash and insisted on keeping the corpse in the house. Johnson also claims in the filings that Hajran, it's Persian.

Aghajanian. Aghajanian. The mental and physical abuse kept her from realizing what he was doing to the cats. It's unclear whether horses is open for business, but of the, and this was good. People like this restaurant. Well, what does one have to do with the other? Can't they just get it together and make the food?

I mean, I understand not wanting to live with this man, but can't they just come back together to make this food? Because a lot of people enjoyed this restaurant and it's really not fair to the patrons of the restaurant. Responded to the allegations of domestic and animal abuse, he said that he quote, loved cats, mice. This is terrifying. He loved cats, mice and every other animal under God, Allah,

whatever each religion calls him her. God, Los Angeles, huh? God, Allah, whatever each religion calls him her and have loved all animals since I was a child. He continued by saying, I have problems killing lobster and well, try jerking off and usually try to do it in the most humane way possible. Hajran, aghajanian, aghajanian.

Aghajanian also told the times he believed Johnson was quote, trying to take money, trying to take my business away from me through divorce by making up false narratives. He alleged she falsely accuses me of things she has done or that she has threatened to do to me and my pets. My pets like children to me and I love them. Dearly, well, that is the sad tale

of the horse's restaurant in Los Angeles and it's a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl. Boy opens restaurant with girl. Boy adopts cats. Boy jerks off while killing cats. Girl finds out, girl gets angry and it hits the press.

The horse's restaurant in L.A. R.I.P. The violence in the American cities, man, it's gotta stop two friends of mine in New York City. They're trying to get home. Two people, very private people, love being under the radar. Prince Harry, Meghan Markle. They're being chased in a high speed chase

all throughout New York City. Now, many people have denied this happen, including the person driving the car. Including the cab driver driving the car in the New York Post had basically said, ah, not really, but I get it because these two, and again, I'm turning, I'm starting to like them now.

For a while, they were annoying to me, but now they're, see, sometimes when people are in the press constantly, they become annoying because they're trying to push a narrative that we know isn't true. Like that they were victims of something living in a castle and they had no idea what they were getting in.

She didn't know what she was getting in. I married this prince and I'm in a castle and then the press wants to see photos of the baby. I had no idea. Things like that would happen. It's like, yes, you did, you did, you do. Stop it. So we know she's a fraud, she's an actor,

she's a cold-blooded serpent, so is he. They're serpentine. Now, and they were annoying. They were annoying, they were annoying and we were sick of them, but we talked about them because they were fun and then they started to lose relevance, of course. So what they did was they cooked up this thing,

this false flag, where they were going to try to simulate his mother's death in New York. This I like. This I think is good. This is something I think took creativity. It took some type of planning. We all know that Princess Diana was killed, probably by MI6.

Who knows, maybe by others, but she was dating Dodie Alpha Yad and that was a no good, no go for a lot of the people, maybe interested, and maybe the press killed her in the tunnel, but there's all kinds of, you know, there's all kinds of inconsistencies and whatever. Who knows, the world's complex. So I don't know exactly who did it.

Some say MI6, the massage. It's probably, everybody's maybe involved with that. I don't know, but she died exactly that way, apparently supposedly maybe kind of sort of being chased by the press. So Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are now putting out a false flag attack that the press was chasing them all through New York City in a high speed chase

that endangered both of them. And it was similar to Harry's mother. And this is a great way for them to get back into the news and to engender sympathy, which is something they're addicted to. You know, people can get addicted to sympathy. They can get addicted to this. This is a fact.

I know people that are addicted to sympathy. You ever met someone who's like parents died and then after a while, you're like, enough. It, what happens is people get addicted to sympathy. They get addicted to people feeling bad for them. They like walking into a room and they like the hush tones of people feeling sorry for them because it makes them,

it does two things immediately. Number one, it makes them interesting because whatever is happening to them is interesting and horrible. So it makes them a sympathetic figure, but it also makes them interesting. It gives their life something it didn't have before, a meaning of purpose.

I am the person that you were to feel bad for. I've gone through so much. You wouldn't understand. You could never walk a mile in my shoes. So people really like this feeling. And I would guess, and I'm no doctor, but I would guess that Meghan Markle and Harry, certainly Meghan, I don't know what he's even doing.

He doesn't even know either, but Meghan has gotten addicted to this idea that, this woman is a Hollywood actress who was on a show suits and her life became interesting by stepping into this role and then rejecting it immediately and claiming that she had no idea what it was. And so then it's, but then they moved here and they released that documentary on Netflix

and it went the other way. They thought, well, everyone's gonna feel bad. It's like Britney Spears, we bled her out and it went the other way. We're going back, clank, because we've now seen the results. Meghan and Harry thought they were gonna come to America. They don't understand America. America has a tragically short memory, number one.

So even if they did come over here as refugees, as migrants, we'd forget immediately which we did. South Park destroyed them, the worldwide privacy tour. His book, you know, sold a lot, but it was like a nothing burger who cares. And people just got sick of them. They came, they rented a big mansion in Montecito,

in Santa Barbara, couple of hours north of LA and they proceeded to be annoying. Today had a big deal with, I believe, Netflix and then there was a Spotify deal. So they came to America, rented a mansion and immediately started to monetize the horrible things they had gone through. And everybody eventually got sick of them

because it was so crass and everybody could see immediately what they were both about. They're hucksters, that's what they are. And I love a good huckster. There's nothing wrong with a huckster, but we can see it. It's right out there in the open for everybody to see. They came here and they wanna hang out.

And I know people in LA that know them and all they wanna do is hang out with celebrities. And I was at a celebrity party the other night talking to somebody about this and they go, these people are just, it's constant with them. They keep, she was texting the person I was with there. And no, you can't come.

But I shouldn't have even been there. But the point is that they just won't stop these two. They're at the San Vicente bungalows. They're, oh God forbid you stay out of the Beverly Hills Hotel and I'm eating my soup flank for the love of Christ. So help me God. So help me fucking God. I see that ginger, fuck.

You stay the fuck out of the Beverly Hills Hotel. It's probably too old school and conservative for you anyway. Stay the fuck out. But they are just like moths to the flame trying to hang out with, they're like low grade reality stars that are trying to attach to anything. And I'm literally at the party, they're showing me text

of this woman begging people to like hang out. She's trying to get places, it's sad. And a lot of it isn't working and they're rolling their eyes to me and they're going LOL. And we're all having a good laugh about this because they're just a bunch of goons and no one cares. Now listen, at the end of the day,

I respect the hustle I get what she's trying to do. I get what they're trying to do, but it didn't work, right? And a lot of people at this party are like, hey man, you know, we text her back, we try to be nice, you know, she's the Duchess, but we've had enough, right? We've had enough of her and she's, you know, it's enough.

So what they did now in New York City, the city that I lived in for many years, my home, they've decided to invent a narrative where they somehow are being dangerously chased through the streets just like Diana would have been chased. And the NYPD reigned on their parade too, quote, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex arrived at their destination and there were no reported collisions,

some of these injuries or arrests, okay? The taxi driver who ferried the couple home after their event Tuesday at the Ziegfield Theater told the Washington Post he would not call it a chase, adding that he felt safe, they got followed. You know why they got followed? Because their entire lives are about sucking all the attention out of anything that they are involved in.

That's why a lot of these people at this event the other night didn't want them there and they didn't want to be around them at other things. It's like all they do is try to suck the oxygen and the attention out of everything they're involved in because it's about them and their cockamamie bullshit story that the British royal family was running around the house with a noose

and it's not, none of it's true, it's all canard, it's crap and everyone knows it. And so they're becoming, it's becoming like, she is two years and maybe not even two years away from being on a real housewives franchise. She may not want to hear that, but sister friend, and I'm not saying that because you're black-ish, I'm not saying that because you're black,

I'm saying that because I use the word sister friend a lot because it gives me, it feels like a little weight and credibility and gravity to what I'm saying. I'm not racializing it, please doubt. But I'm saying, sister friend, that you are two years away from being on a real housewives franchise. That's the fact, you're tanking in a major way, you're going down.

So they invented this thing where they were chased in the high speed chase in New York. It's a, yeah, cause there's seen how to die hard where him and her, the NYPD assisted the private security team protecting the Duke and the Duchess, a spokesperson said. There were numerous photographers that made their transport challenging. The Duke and the Duchess of Sussex arrived

at their destination and there were no reported collisions, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, here's the deal. Listen to this, by the way. Harry 38 and Megan 41 left the ballroom where the former suits actress was honored by Gloria Steinem at the Woman of Vision Awards gala with her mother, Doris Raglin at around 9.50 PM

flanked by both private security car and NYPD. It's gonna come out, they hired the paparazzi to do this, by the way, soon. That's the next thing. I don't know if that'll come out or not, but that's the next step, is that they hired the paparazzi to do this. But we wish them well.

People are mad at the weight loss drug Osempic, but people are also celebrating it as a weight loss breakthrough, but also they're saying we need to fight the fat phobia as well, because Osempic, as you know, is this kind of breakthrough groundbreaking drug that a lot of people are using.

The LA Times here, and the title is, it's a weird cultural moment, taking Osempic to lose weight as all the rage, but so is fighting for fat acceptance. So what it basically is saying and admitting is that people really don't wanna be fat. Now, of course, we can't say that. People would like to be less fat or not fat,

but the fat acceptance movement has convinced everybody to believe that people want to be fat and that they like being fat. They prefer being fat, and that it's some mark of value or virtue or something else, and that by other people not being fat,

or whatever, it's causing them a problem. And this woman, Robin Abkarian, wrote an op-ed here about that she, you know, she goes, and so like many women, I have a dysfunctional relationship with my weight. I've gained and lost the same 20 pounds countless times. I'm happy when I'm thin,

I'm sad and slightly depressed when I'm not. I remain a pole that I pin my self-worth on my appearance. The Fatphobia Scale asked me 14 questions to determine my beliefs and feelings about people who were, as the scale put it, fat or obese. Turns out, according to the scale, I am fat positive. It praised me as an all bodies are good bodies warrior. You know, I'm reminded of a few things when I read this.

Am I fat phobic, take the quiz? I'm reminded of, I mean, I don't, the culture in this country right now is a series of like odd quizzes and tests, and fucking like BuzzFeed quizzes, like how fat phobic are you, and if you were a trans superhero, which one would you be? It's kind of, it's kind of,

like it's weirdly like it's scholarly, and yet it's also, it's the antithesis of all things, scholarly. You know, it's like, it's people's obsession with grading themselves and giving themselves grades on how they're behaving all the time and needing to put their thoughts and feelings in a box. Here's the deal, worry about yourself, worry about the way you want to be portrayed in the world,

worry about what is a realistic way for you to look, try to be better in whatever case that is, and try to not pin whatever your things are on other people. Intrapersonal fat phobia, institutional fat phobia. I mean, it's amazing. There are people that have all kinds of problems in the world. There are drug addicts, there are drunks, there are people that have bad relationships with food.

There are people that are just fat because whatever, they've been fat a long time or they have issues or whatever the case may be. And usually, if you can treat people kindly, for the most part, you don't shit on people and you don't have to tell someone they're beautiful if you don't think they're beautiful. This is the thing.

If you don't think someone's attractive, you don't have to tell them they're attractive. I think part of the problem is that we're establishing this one-size-fits-all standard for beauty. We are trying to force the idea that aesthetic beauty is a political thing. I think, you know, what about beauties in the eye of the beholder? We've kind of gotten rid of that because there are people

that certainly are attractive and overweight. There are people that are skinny and grotesque. I think the ideal is still that bodies that are healthy and thin are more attractive to people. That is usually the case. And people might get angry at that when I say that, but that is the case, you know? People may not like that, but that's okay.

It doesn't mean that there aren't attractive fat people. It doesn't mean there aren't gross skinny methods. It just means that, like, fat phobia isn't real. Some people are dicks. Some people are dicks and they're pieces of shit to people that are fat or that are whatever, and those people suck, but also calling yourself a warrior because you're fat is also stupid.

That's also pretty dumb. People in this country used to have personalities. They did. I'm old enough to remember. And as those personalities became these quizzes, people tended now, people now just identify by what grade on the scale they are, of how racist they are, or how fat accepting, or how people used to have personalities,

distinct, interesting, nuanced personalities that came from different experiences that they didn't share with everybody, but because technologies flattened us all, and culture has become this hellish landscape of constant self-reflection and mediation on how I should behave and what should I? Oh, my God, what scale am I? Fat phobic.

There was a fat woman on the plane next to me, but I didn't hit her. What does that mean? But then, you know, I did make a face, but I made it to myself. Like, I don't even understand here what exactly people are supposed to get out of this stuff. What are people are supposed to get out of it? But the ozempic does prove that everybody kind of wants to lose weight.

Most people want to lose weight. People are not happy being fat. Nobody's really happy being fat. There are people that are okay with it. They go, okay. It's like most people are not happy being drunks either. Most people are not really happy being a drunk. It doesn't mean that most people,

they seem like they're happy because you only see them when they're drunk. But if you see them the next morning, or sometime the next day, if you see them trying to get the keys out of their pocket to get into a car, and they're just like, they're not happy. People that are in the midst of a drug addiction are not happy. So anything that throws your life out of balance, you're not really happy. There are a lot of people that are trying to make it in vogue to be fat, or that it's the, you know, it's, but ozempic proves,

and a lot of things prove that people would like to lose weight if they could. And the fact, and the fact phobia community and the fat activist community doesn't want to hear that, but those people have invented jobs for themselves. That's not a job. Being fat's not a job. You invented a job. I don't get paid because I'm overweight. I get paid to do this.

I mean, it's not a job. They invented a job. And by the way, on that, I mean, to get paid for eating, like the idea that you're just sitting there eating, and you're like, I'm going to be an activist, and that this society at this point is so broken that they fall for it. Hey, get your bag. Well, get a few bags.

Get the one out of the drive-thru, and then get the money as well. But that's what we're doing here. These are people that have invented jobs. The person who is writing the fat phobic quiz should be living in a tent. It's a fact. They should be living in a tent. The natural order of things might be a big tent, but they should be living in a tent. It's not a skill, but they've invented a job.

This is an economy where we're hemorrhaging things for people to do. There's not enough things for people to do. So the people that just go, let me make a living being aggressively and annoyingly fat, and let me write quizzes asking people how comfortable they are with my girth, are getting paid. They have a livelihood. That is a livelihood for these people now. You know?

I just, you know, what do you want me to say about it? I'm just like, you know, I'd like Meghan Markle better if she was fat, personally. If Prince Harry married a fat black chick, I would like her more. I trust her more. You know? That's just what I'm saying. What question on the quiz is that?

What's wrong? Why are they throwing this doctorate for live streaming operations? I don't like this at all. There's a plastic surgeon and they're trying to get, they take her license, or they're trying to take her license because she went viral on TikTok and she may have her medical license revoked. Can we play one of her TikToks? Yeah. It's this woman in Ohio.

It's Dr. Catherine Graw. Yeah, well, she's been in private practice in Ohio since 2010, and she operated out of Roxy Plastic Surgery. If you are going to a place called Roxy Plastic Surgery, if that's the name, your fucking surgeon's going to have a little pizzazz. And if you don't like it, on social media, Graw is better known as Dr. Roxy.

The surgeon who posts behind the scenes videos of her, but that's fun. I want to see the skin, right? I want to see a little neck fat in the, in the spit cup or whatever. I want to see that. And people are, people don't like, she's a plastic surgeon. Let her show people the behind the scenes of what it's like to see people alter their bodies. I don't see anything inherently wrong with that.

Has she, let's watch some of these things that she's done that are supposedly so horrible. Here we go. Here we go. So these are all like advertisements too. Okay. Well, she's trying to get her back. Trying to get that money. Yeah.

She puts patients private info on her public social media, but none of them are identifiable, but three of them are suing. Oh, wait a minute. Hold on. Dr. Roxy and Graw, who went by the name Dr. Roxy, is being sued by three former patients whose post-surgery injuries left them unable to stand. Well, that's different than just posting things like that.

I mean, that seems, maybe that's the problem. It's a combination of both. It's like the medical board. Like, I think. Yeah. Well, it doesn't look good. If people are going, Hey, this bitch fucked me up. And then the medical board looks at tick talk and you're just tick talking with the fake tits.

You know, you're tick talking with someone's stomach fat that you took off and you're like, you know, fucking, you know, twirling around with it. Yeah. I mean, that's a problem. I don't think the medical board is going to love that. When you're fucking, what's the Fortnite dance that people do? Is there a name for it? I forgot.

But when you're doing that and you're swinging people's neck fat around, it's not good. You know, it's not exciting for the people that can't stand up. I don't know. I don't know the name of the dances. It's, it's, it's immaterial. But whatever, you can't twerk with people's fake tits. If you're also going to name them.

Yeah. She's obsessed with social media and she's trying to get, but she's just trying to get ahead. She cares more about the camera than the patient. All right. Well, listen, you know, she's a plastic surgeon. She's in Ohio. She's not the top of the line, right? Top of the line plastic surgeons role in California, right?

Where is she? Is she in Ohio? Yeah, Ohio. She's in Ohio. She's the best you're going to get. Dr. Roxy. She's just dancing around, trying to get some attention. It's sad.

Lauren Boebert's getting divorced, which is very sad to me because, you know, I thought they were going to make it. And, you know, Lauren Boebert and her husband represent the meth part of Colorado. And I think she owns a bar called shooters or something or used to work there where people, the girls walk around like Hooters, but they have guns and Lauren Boebert and her husband. And this came as a shock to me because I did think they were going

to make it because she kind of has that Sarah Palin, like white trash where you'd think they would stick it out. But I guess that doesn't work, right? It's sad because this is like, they're a fun couple. Like they're, they're constantly, like he's constantly being accused like, you know, like trying to run over process servers with his truck and, you know, they got, they got problems. The cops are always there, right?

Like she goes, Boebert says, I have been faithful in my marriage and I believe strongly in marriage, which makes the, and these are the people that are always yelling about the gay people ruining their lives and that they can't get it together and it's the Christian nation and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. And, you know, unfortunately now they're going to have to dissolve this godly union, this godly union between Lauren Boebert and her husband, Jason or something.

I forget his name. Jason with a Y. She goes, this is truly about irreconcilable differences. She will not comment further on the divorce quote, out of respect for our children and will continue to work hard to represent the people of Colorado's third congressional district. So this is like the person will be like, gay people can't get married because they're ruining the institution of marriage.

But me and my meth head, the husband can't figure it out. You know? And again, this woman probably has a 90 IQ, right? This is the thing that do a conservatives do a lot. They pick someone that is kind of just these, this is a, you know, this is like our vert, like Meghan Markle's way above this woman in terms of running a scam. At least Meghan Markle got out of the country,

except she's the idiot who came back. But this woman is like the conservatives found her, you know, at a waffle house somewhere and said, here just, you know, you put the gun in the air, take the tits out and now you can be in Congress. But she's fun, you know, quote, Jason Boebert was apparently blindsided when he was served divorce papers last month and set his dogs on the server according to court documents.

He was allegedly quote, drinking a tall glass of beer and cleaning a gun that was sitting on a table. Man, these people are really out of like a, they're really out of central casting, huh? Yellowstone, yeah. You know? Yeah, I'm not even Yellowstone. These people don't own land.

You nuts. Yellowstone's like, Kevin Costner's like a CEO and he's like running a whole thing. And by the way, people that are dressing like the people in Yellowstone, please stop. Like that's a trend now. I've seen that, like I've read about that. They're like, people are like larping as cowboys.

It's disgusting. Um, he was drinking a tall glass of beer, cleaning a gun that was sitting on a table when he was handed the dissolution of marriage papers. Well, that's sad. He started yelling and using profanities and told me that I was trespassing. Then he was calling the sheriff's office.

I told him I was leaving the documents on the chair outside the door. He closed the door and let the dogs out. Who let the dogs out? Jason Bobert, the, you know, Lauren and Jason Bobert met when she was 16 and have four children together. Interesting. Well, in a text message statement to the Daily Beast,

Jason said the dogs were never threatened to the server and that he was upset by the unannounced visit. Well, this is a good Christian family that has had some problems and that saddens me. It saddens me because, you know, if these kids can't make it, what hope do the rest of us have? Um, yeah, it's, they're, they're fun though. I like, I like her because she's like a less intellectual

Marjorie Taylor Greene. Like she's like not as bright. It seems like she's not as like, uh, as much of a brain as Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren, she's for people who Marjorie Taylor Greene, like the words are too big. They bring out Lauren Bobert and she just comes out with the gun and the tents and everybody's like, whoa. And it's sad that she can't, that her and her husband can't

get it together. Um, it's sad that they just can't find some common ground. They both like the same things. What are these irreconcilable differences? How different can they be? Um, according to Bobert's book, My American Life. Imagine naming a book that my American life, my American life.

I had an American laugh. It's, it's American. She and Jason met when she was 16 and working at a Burger King. These are the people I want running the country. I want Burger King employee, white ones, white people, people that were white and worked at Burger King that they didn't really suffer too many disadvantages in their life, but they still ended up making Whoppers.

Uh, that's who I, that's who I think should be in Congress. And I'm sorry if you don't, I like it. You learn a lot at a Burger King. You know, you learn a lot. Lauren Bobert and her husband, Jason and people are going to get mad at me. They're going to be like, she has good values. You're a piece of shit.

You're in LA. She's got good values. She worked at Burger King. I, you know, I think he was classy, right? What did he say? Cause I love her too much. There's anything bad about her. She's a mother of my children and my partner for the last 20 years.

Please let me just have some peace. Well, hey, I, I agree. I agree with him on that in, in February, 2004, Jason was booked on a domestic violence charge against his future wife after he did unlawfully strike shove and kick her. Well, listen, she could be a bit mouthy, but I mean, this is a Christian family in which occasionally there has to be a strike, a shove or a kick, I believe.

Occasionally. Oh, in, in, in May, 2004, the couple got into an altercation at Jason's home in which Lauren scratched his face and chest and trashed his residence. She was slapped with third degree assault, criminal mischief, and underage drinking charges. They're fun. They got married in Vegas.

Of course they got married in Vegas. What did they have the royal wedding? She was a teen mom and forced to drop out of high school during her senior year when she was pregnant with Tyler. This is the family values that they keep talking about. I like, I, I like to see them in action. Teen mom, multiple altercations and then finally a divorce. It's the good family values that I like.

So we are fans of the Boeberts. We've always been fans of the Boeberts. We think it's great that they're here for us and we're saddened by them. And we hope the divorce is incredibly public for the sake of the show, not for the sake of their family. That would be sad. But for the sake of my program, I hope the divorce is incredibly long, vicious and public because it will give me content because that's what I do

for a living. Sorry. So, and she hates gay people. So she hates me. So I hope the divorce is long and public and it involves many more altercations and many more brandishing of firearms and releasing of dogs because I get bored on planes and I like to read this shit. So I hope it is a public and vicious divorce in which a lot of fun secrets come out and there are weapons involved.

And I hope many process servers are main fucked them to in the process. That would make me very happy. But I, but it would be sad for the kids. So if that may be not for the kid, even though the kids, it might be tough anyway, but that's my selfish hope because unfortunately that's what I do for a living. Sorry. Bluetooth is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients

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It's beautiful. We thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast. Let's play this Walt Disney World fight video because it's the brawl at the magic kingdom. It started over a photo op. One family didn't want another family to take a photo or something or they asked them to move. And then both families started beating each other in the magic kingdom.

Right now on the news. It's the first time in the world that a family has ever taken a photo of the magic kingdom. This happened right in front of the train where you first enter the park. Great. Welcome. I'm John Brown.

And I'm Luanne Sorrell. One family was trying to take a picture when another family apparently got in their way. Fox 35 Stephanie Bufamante is live at the park tonight. And Stephanie, that's apparently when these families started duking it out. Yes, it is. Well, I'm going to stop for people visiting the most... I know, like, he stops us for a second.

The newscasters now, just like, I remember when a newscaster used to dress, like, newscasters look like they found people on the street and gave them microphones. Like, I don't know what happened to newscasters. Like, even when someone was in the field, they used to look professional. They used to dress professionally. They would be coughed and their hair would be done.

Now it really looks like they're just finding people sitting in their car and going, would you mind doing this news segment for us in the middle of the highway? I just don't, like every chick has a $19 dress on. And like fake jewelry, badly applied makeup, the dudes are like weird fucking looking guys, their hair's all over the place, they're sweating,

they're, it just does not give me any comfort. But let's see what happened to these two families. I hate when there's family fights during a vacation that's meant to be as special as a Disney world. John Earth wasn't looking so magical when they were trying to get into the park and they saw that bloody fight. Stop him.

Get that son of a bitch. In a chaotic scene, you can see deputies on the ground arresting a man after a fight. By the way, look at the people, just freeze frame on that. Can you freeze frame on that for a second? Can you freeze frame on who the people are at Disney world? I tell my friends who have children, I go, don't do it. I know that they love Disney, whatever.

I'm telling you, there's gotta be other things. Look at the human beings that are at Disney world. I mean, it's just, it is just a parade of heinous creatures. During the fight, people at the park screaming as repeated punches are thrown at Disney world. And the cops are like, look at this man, play it because I love hearing the screams

because it's so funny. How do these people have the money to go to Disney world? Who's paying for that? Because no offense, but this, by their behavior, it seems like they, these don't seem like the type of people that have saved for a family trip. I can be wrong. I'm not saying that people don't get into skirmishes,

but it's kind of like, is that what goes on in Disney world? Is it just like, it's a kind of a madhouse of all kinds of different people, but a lot of garbage, like a lot of human filth running up in there. And this all started over a photo op in front of the magic kingdom, they're just beating each other. I don't know where their children are. I love the idea of like, Ron DeSantis,

he's like, you know, Disney's getting too gay or trans or whatever. And like kids being like, my parents beat each other over a photo op, you know? Kids are like, listen, we got a lot, there's a lot of problems. Yeah, I mean, listen, I mean, Disney world is going to attract the wide variety of people we have

in this country, 90% of whom, you know, probably should, you know, not be allowed in. There should be a screening process to get into Disney world. There should be a screening process to bring your children into Disney world. Someone should sit down and interview you for a minute and go like, just out of curiosity,

how apt are you to engage in a brawl? What would get you, what would get you to the level where you have to get into a brawl with someone? Yeah, what would do it? Let's say you were taking a photo and somebody bumped into you with that. Would that turn into a melee? Would that turn into a,

because we're trying to cut down on the vicious beatings. We're trying to cut down on the gangland style vicious beatings here at Disney world. It's bad, it's bad. We've got a lot of problems, you know? We've got many issues here. People saying we're, I don't know, getting a little too woke.

Also, we are, you know, so what we'd like to just scale down on is the gang assault. If we could, if we could. I'm telling you right now, I don't want to step foot in the Disney world. Is there one in China? Because I'll take my gods into the one in China and like I'll pay for his family, we can all go,

but I will not go to the one in Shanghai Disneyland Park. Bring that up. We will go to that. I will go to Shanghai Disneyland Park. That looks dope as fuck. By the way, try to have a brawl there. That's creepy as fuck, but cool. Shanghai Disneyland Park's probably the answer

because if you have a brawl there, you just disappear or you work there. You start working there. Shanghai Disneyland Park is just full of all their employees or people that previously had brawls there and they just go, yeah, I work here now. I'm not allowed to leave. Now I can't go, but I will go to that.

I'm not going to subject my Chinese godson to these American monsters. I will take him to Shanghai Disneyland Park with his family and I got to be honest with you. It looks kind of cool. It looks pretty damn cool. I may do my next special from China. Tim Dillon live from China.

I'll be the first American to defect. Yeah, Shanghai Disneyland Park looks fun. That looks like the move for me. Everybody uses ExpressVPN and if you don't, you're in the minority and you got to switch to it. It doesn't take much technical knowledge to hack somebody. Just some cheap hardware is needed. A smart 12 year old could do it.

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And you get an extra three months free ExpressVPN.com slash Tim Dillon. Restaurants, dining is going to the dogs and not everybody is happy about just the time for summer dining scene. The US government has given its blessing to restaurants who want to allow pet dogs in their outdoor spaces. Here's the thing, man, I'm telling you right now, man,

I love dogs, I love animals. Cut it out. We have to stop this. It's not right. It's really not right. I've seen, first of all, the service dog thing, we all know it's fake. We all know it's fake.

Everyone knows it's fake. If you are not blind, we know it's fake. You don't need a dog on a fucking plane. Don't get on the plane. If you can't handle it, we all know it's fake. Okay? Literally people tell me, they go, I got my doctor wrote me a note.

I can take it anywhere. We know the game. We know the game, Meghan Markle. It's like, it's the same thing as that. It's like, we know it's not real. It's not real. It's not doing it. It's not a service dog sitting on your lap.

It's not serving anybody. It's not doing it. It's not a Saint Bernard going to the mountain of rescue. And they never did that, by the way. If you read about it, they never really rescued anyone. Now it's still a phenomenal, you know, majestic breed, but they didn't rescue anybody. And they had, there's a little booze in the thing.

They, it's for drunks. People that wanted booze, they would, the dog would bring them booze. It's different than rescuing. My point is this. We got to get the dogs out of all the spaces here because people just trying to chop down on an eggs Benedict. They just don't need your mutt.

Like leave it home, leave it in the yard. Stop replacing, have a kid. You know, like stop putting a dog in a stroller. It's, it's a sick fetish with the animals at this point. It's enough. You're not a dog mom and cat mom. It's, it's, it's gross. If I'm eating outside at a restaurant

or inside at a restaurant, I want you to keep your animals away from me. I want you to keep your animals at bay. I'm telling you right now, it's like, it's just gross that you can't do anything without the dog there. You can't, you know, you're feeding the dog. There was a dog.

I was in La Conde de Verde in Tribeca. It's a great restaurant. There's a dog like tied, they tied the leash around the leg of the chair. It can't even move. And it's sitting under the table. And she said, she doesn't even have the decency to give him a meatball.

And I wanted to go up to her and be like, why are you out of your house right now with this dog? I just, and I saw this happen, you know, when I was living in New York city, I really saw the beginnings of this. And I saw how, how crazy this was going to get. I saw it and I saw how, how, you know, people really started connecting, you know,

after 9 11, everybody kind of got a dog. There was nothing wrong with that. I love dogs. I think dogs are great. I think cats are great. I think animals are great, but I think things have their place. Animals have their place, right?

Walk them, bring them to parks. They don't need to sit at a restaurant courtyard. If there's, you know, in the spring and the summer and the fall, an outdoor restaurant is still a restaurant. It is still a restaurant, okay? It's not another thing. Well, it's the outside section. It's a restaurant.

It just doesn't happen to have a roof. Get the animal out of here. Do not have an animal on it, you know, a leashed or unleashed sitting under the, these animals are miserable. They don't want to be there. Please take them home. It's sick. I'm telling you, I would just, I would just,

if I owned a restaurant, I'd love to one day, I would just say, no, like you, it's not going to happen. You can't consistently impose your life on other people, you know, and I know that people think like it's some like civil rights issue because that's how fucking sick we are as a country. People think their civil rights are being denied. If they can't bring a fucking dog to have brunch,

they think like they're being denied some meaningful part of their thing, it's like, you know, there was a Pakistani Uber driver once who I said to me, I see he goes, we have many dogs in Pakistan. I don't know if I'm doing, I don't, I don't know if I'm doing it, but it was similar to that. He was, we have many dogs in Pakistan. He said, was that it?

We have many. Fuck, I'm so bad at it. Cause it's like we are in Pakistan and we have many dogs in our Pakistan. Now I'm going, now I'm going, now I'm going Indian, but I don't want to go anywhere, he's just Pakistan, but they are so close. But anyway, he said, I'll say it in my voice,

but he said, we have many dogs in Pakistan and I go, what are their names? And he goes, they don't have names or dogs, which I thought was great. I actually thought that was interesting because right, like yes, that's a little extreme, but I understood what he meant. I'm like, right.

My grandfather said there were dogs in his house. They pay, he didn't barely know the names and he was growing up. I'm not saying you shouldn't love your dogs. And he remembered one or two of the dog's names, but it's like, we've gotten to a point now where even the dogs want to know what's going on with these freaks that are taking them everywhere.

Even the dogs are like, what am I, why am I on a plane? Like, you know, dogs should be on a plane like once in their life. They're like, oh yeah, this dumb cunt just got a job in Phoenix. So I gotta fly. I'm flying to Phoenix because the fucking bitch who adopted me broke up with her boyfriend.

I got her and she just got a job there. I don't know, she's doing something for baseball, spring training. She'll probably fuck everyone. She's a whore. And now I gotta fly to Phoenix with her, but that's it. Then I get dropped off.

Then I'm done. The dog shouldn't have dealt the sky miles. Like it should be enough. Like they shouldn't be on every flight. People that impose, like people that act like it's not an imposition to have, like what if everyone brought their dog? Does anyone think like that?

Like what if all people were to bring their dogs to the restaurant, the outdoor restaurant and every single dog is there? I mean, doesn't anyone think that that might potentially lessen the experience for people? If we just constantly, I'm walking over your dog. I'm just trying, you know what I mean? Can't people understand how deeply selfish it is

and that this unhealthy, you know, reliance that they have on this animal is like really, it's kind of disturbing to a lot of people that they can't do anything without this dog. And I'm not saying you shouldn't love your dog, but like cut it out. Like cut it out. I'm a single person without children.

You can be alone. There's a dignity in just not trying to force an animal to be your boyfriend or girlfriend or child. There's a dignity to it. There's a dignity to solitude if you can pull it off. There's a little dignified way to do it. I've eaten in restaurants alone. I've seen other people do it.

There's a real dignity to not carrying in your fur baby or whatever disgusting name you have for the dog. I'm not saying you shouldn't love a dog. I'm not saying the dog shouldn't be part of your life. I'm not saying you can't love it like a child. Although it's not, but I'm not saying you can. I don't care what you do in your private life. Get it out of the restaurant is my point.

There's a dignity in learning to be alone, especially at certain points in your life. You actually have to learn to be alone. People right now because of phones and adopted pets and group tech, like no one's ever alone with their thoughts. Do you know how people, I got out of every group tax, by the way, the amount of people I know that have 19 group texts constantly buzzing in their phone

where they cannot have a single solitary thought without it being co-opted and corrupted by five other people. It's insane to me. You need to learn how to be alone with your thoughts in this world. And I know it's not nice because many of those thoughts are negative because life is negative sometimes.

But you're never gonna have any meaningful breakthroughs in your life if you can't shut off the noise of the group tax or the internet or you can't go anywhere without a dog. No, listen, there's exceptions. You go to the bakery and sit down with coffee. You got a dog. I'm not a Nazi about this.

I'm saying, you know, more often than not, in and out of a restaurant, we just don't need your animal. And I'm saying that like people need to learn. One of the things I've seen that it's actually kind of disturbing these people just don't know how to be alone anymore and be chill. They don't know how to chill when they're alone. They're either creepy or they're sad-looking

or they look like they need help. Be alone. Just be like, yeah, the dog's at home. I was hungry. I came out to have... Now then there's the people that are gonna wood the couples that bring the dog. That's sick.

The only people I feel bad for in this scenario are the lonely motherfuckers who come in with a dog. If you are a group with a dog, burn in hell. And burn in hell. If you're a couple with a dog, fuck off. The only people I'm even trying to relate to here and reach are the lonely people who feel like being with a dog

helps them deal with being lonely. Those are the only people I'm trying to talk nicely to here. The groups of people that bring dogs in should be turned away. I'm only trying to reach the lonely people who think that just because they're alone, they are like, I don't know, conspicuous, or they stand out, or...

It's just better to have a dog. I'm just more comfortable with my dog. Here with me, I just don't... You need to learn to be by yourself. You need to learn to fly on a plane without the dog. You need to learn what it's like to have a chicken Caesar salad without a dog. You need to learn that.

There's a dignity in being alone, if you can do it, at a restaurant. We're talking about being at a restaurant. We're talking about eating alone at a restaurant. There's always great, like a great older woman with a nice glass of Chardonnay, and the way she'll sit and she'll pick it a salad. Yes, she was an anorexic.

Yes, her life's horrible. But in that moment, there's a strong dignity to that. She's trying to choke down just enough food to survive. She was, you know, maybe a ballerina back in the day, and she fell in love with one guy, and he was drunk, and they couldn't figure it out. And life has been very unkind to her. She's white, that helps, you know?

But I mean, but it's been very... Because they had to get more stuff. But life's been very unkind to her, and it's... But in that moment, with her glass of Chardonnay and her side salad, there's a dignity there to eating alone. There's a dignity to the kind of portly man

who sits alone at the bar eating and being a little chummy with the bartender. There's a dignity to that. If you know how to do it, the kind of pleasantries they share, you know, how are you? How have you been? How's your son?

He's good. My son is good, you know? And just, we haven't seen him here in a while, and that's a joke, because he's in it all the time. They go, oh, I haven't seen you in a while. He goes, yeah, I know, I'm here a lot. He's here a lot because his wife's dying. His wife's dying, and it's hard for him to face,

and he'll never forgive himself for how little time he spent with her in the last moments. But in that sad that he can't face up to that, and he can't face up to her death because it makes him think about himself and his own mortality. And his son will never forgive him for it, because it's a very hard thing. You should have been there more with her, you know?

And why weren't you there with her? Why were you always at that bar? And those are horrible things, but there's a dignity. There's a dignity in that moment when they give him the burger, and he cuts it in half. When he cuts that burger in half, there's a dignity to it. Yes, he's running away from everything in his life.

The only woman that really ever loved him, but she doesn't even hold it against him because she was always stronger than him, and she knew that, you know? He was kind of a near-do-well. But there's a dignity in that moment. There's a dignity in certain moments that will be ruined.

If he had a big shaggy dog next to him, the moment would be ruined. There wouldn't be a dignity in that. There's, I think, a dignity in eating alone. I've seen people do it the right way. And no one's doing it because they look, you know, there's just a dignity, especially in New York City, it's a religion.

Eating alone in New York is a religion. People do it all the time. It's great, you watch the restaurant, you watch how everything happens, you see the rise in the fall, you see the servers struggling to keep up with how busy the restaurant's getting, and they're frenetic and angry and they're dropping things,

and you're just kind of quietly watching them eating and just kind of watching the whole restaurant where it kind of spins out of control. You know, there's something really fun about that. And I think that people just need to learn that instead of just constantly dragging these dogs or the dog doesn't want to be there, man, the dog does not want to be there at all.

Bud Light to launch camouflage bottle amid transgender controversy. Bud's now trying to go the other way. Miller Light did a weird thing too. I, me and Rogan were texting about it. He played it on a show about how it was horrible that Miller Light, which is like piss beer, and they're trying to sell it to like horny dudes

who are trying to look at tits, and they're like, well, women, like, can you believe they put women in bikinis to sell this product? Like, yeah, it's a bad product. It's not a great product. Yeah, it's sex sells. Or is this new?

But apparently they did something on Miller Light. I don't understand what's going on, people that are drinking American beer. It's like, yeah, it's, they're selling you garbage. They're gonna sell it with some tits attached to it. That's, who do you think's drinking beer? Well, Miller Light, it's, you know, Bud Light? Who, what do you think's consuming this?

Aficionados? This isn't for the craft beer heads. It's like, fucking guys that are like, oh yeah. Let's go get the fucking some Miller. I just saw this commercial where a couple of chicks in bikinis were almost hooking up. I feel like I'm gonna get Miller now. The Bill Hicks did a whole bit about it,

about how much sex sells. Where it's like a model fingering herself and that she's like, buy Coke. Like, I mean, it's like, so now they're saying they're going the other way. It's an aluminum bottle. I believe it is the only package. It'll be transitioning, I'm not sure.

And it's going to be, the company said to launch a line of camouflage aluminum bottles that promote the folds of honor program, which provide educational scholarships for families of fallen and disabled, American military service members and first responders in New York Post reported. I mean, wow, they've gone the other way, huh?

Wow. Geez. So now they're doing, now they're doing like, it's nice, you should have done that anyway to give first responders things. We didn't, you didn't need to have an uproar. I just wonder how wild it'll get, you know? Like how, you know?

You know, when they start having commercials, like some say Adolf Hitler was a bad guy, but we see him as a man that cared about his country, Bud Light. I mean, it's like how, how wild will it get, you know? Nathan Bedford Farr is starting into an organization called the Knights of the Church of the Clue Clucks Clan. And while that, that organization has been controversial

here in the heartland, we remember when your daddy went out and he grabbed his hood, the only thing he took with him other than a torch was a can of Bud Light. High Hitler, it's Bud Light. Bud Light believes that every American family has a right to defend their homeland from invaders coming across the border illegally.

This is a white country, Bud Light. Bud Light believes that European values built America, you keep your guacamole in your queso, we'll take God, faith, family, and freedom, Bud Light, whites only. Like how, how crazy will it get, you know? Some people think it was six million, but here at Bud Light, we haven't seen the numbers.

We're simply saying that history is never what any one person thinks. Bud Light, find your own number. Find the number you're comfortable with. You know, Bud Light's heard a lot about diversity being America's strength, but if you look at the shapes of people's skulls, they're different.

But, Bud Light, stick with your own. In an exclusive partnership with 4chan, or as it's called now, 8coon, but that's what it's called. It's not, Bud Light is here to recognize the warriors in the battle for free speech and free expression. That's why every commemorative can of the Bud Light will feature the happy merchant meme. And if you don't like it, then fuck off.

Here at Bud Light, we're a little sick of hearing about bankers, transnational bankers that don't give a shit about you. They just want the interest on your goddamn money. What happened to making a living with your hands? Instead of all this financial mumbo jumbo, Bud Light, watch out for bankers. Bud Light's getting flack for its new can,

which shows the militarized border wall, people standing outside. Bud Light believes this country should be protected. I'll stick dogs on them. I'll point guns at their little heads. I don't give a shit. This is our party, and it's closed. Bud Light, I mean, that may be the way they have to go.

Why not? Why not? Just get a little fun. Get a little fun. Bud Light believes Brittany Grinner should have been left in Russia. Bud Light believes play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Bud Light supports Russia in its war

against the globalist Ukraine. Bud Light, the evil you know. Bud Light thinks there's a lot of Chinese communists out there making your kids trans. But you know what we do here at Bud Light? We promote traditional wholesome American values, like questioning why Israel had art students doing weird surveillance things

by the Twin Towers a few days before. Anyway, Bud Light. Bud Light. Well, at timdellandcomedy.com, amazing shows coming up this weekend. They're happening. They're happening right now as this episode's coming out. So fuck you, you missed them, in Charleston, in Hershey, PA.

We are a few tickets left for the Chicago Theater, one of the greatest places. The do comedy in the world. Also the Masonic in San Francisco. I will be there. I'm also going to be in Vegas in Las Vegas, Nevada. We're Saturday, July 22nd, the Encore Theater at Win Las Vegas Saturday, July 22nd.

I'm in Colorado, July 27th through the 29th at Comedy Works South. And then Parks Casino in Pennsylvania in September. That we may add some other things as well. But the Vegas shows are gonna be really fun. I have not performed in Vegas in a very long time. I'm very excited about that timdellandcomedy.com for all your tickets.

Thank you. Good night to everyone except Meghan Markle.