The Tim Dillon Show - 366 - Knuckleheads & Dodo Birds

Episode Date: October 22, 2023

Tim talks with comedians Mike Cannon & Mike Feeney about breaking rules, the Middle East, faking a heart attack, brand loyalty and  how the American military is literally ballooning. American Royalty Tour 🎟 https://www.timdilloncomedy.com/ Pre-Order ‘Death By Boomers’ By Tim Dillon 👉 https://rb.gy/gafn4 Mike Cannon: @IamMikeCannon mikecannoncomedy.com for dates Chrissy Chaos Podcast Mike Feeney: A Night At The Comedy Cellar  Premieres 10/27  YouTube.com/MikeFeeneyComedy Social media - @IAmMikeFeeney www.MikeFeeneyComedy.com SPONSORS: Bespoke Post BoxOfAwesome.com & Use Code 'timdillon' ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ Subscribe to the channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4wo... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/timjdillon/ Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Listen on Spotify! https://open.spotify.com/show/2gRd1wo... #TheTimDillonShow Merch:  https://store.timdilloncomedy.com/ For every $400,000 we gross in revenue, we are donating five dollars to end homelessness in Los Angeles. We are challenging other creators to do the same. #TimGivesBack

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show. We're sorry we are a little late just getting back from Australia as always the spirit of princess Diana is with us Hello Hi Hi princess Diana. How are you? Oh, I'm good. Are you seeing what's going on in our world right now? Yes, and I believe in a Palestinian state because I was killed by the Jews in a tunnel. Hey Princess Diana is out of her mind. I was killed by Jews in a tunnel.

Hey, anyway, two guests are here that don't, know what I'm gonna say, and don't have the money to withstand the attacks and hatred, I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't have the money to withstand the attacks and hatred. I don't know. That's, I don't, you know, but they're good friends of mine. My cannon, my feeny great comics from New York, who have been hanging out for the last few days.

And Los Angeles, California, while the world's fallen apart. Yeah, but just seeing what you live like. We've been having fun. Yeah. We've been having a good time, went down to the beach's falling apart. Yeah, but just seeing what you live like. We've been having fun. Yeah. We've been having a good time, went down to the beach, jumped in the ocean, almost got swept away by the currents. It was very, but you know, when you see like how I live, it's just like, it's just New York lives a certain way.

Yeah. And everybody's used to it. And when you come out here, everyone can live like this. Uh, no, I don't think everybody, I don't think everybody parks in a red zone and then just flicks everybody off. And it's like, tell it. I don't care. But here's the thing, Segura did this the other day.

Don't you fear that the obsession with rules is a bourgeoisie middle class mentality? Yes. Like, this is the reality. Sure. I know a lot of successful people, they have no respect for rules. Yeah. They have no respect for rules, right? Yeah. Israel. Non-K respect for rules, right? Yeah.

Israel. Non-kittin'. You stop it. You stop it now. Stop. Ella. But they do, they were attacked. We're getting to that.

The point is, I don't get caught up in it because I say, I'm parking my car where there is fucking curb space. That's it. The middle class following rules isn't that part of the reinforcement of public schooling? They're trying to keep you in the cog that you came in. Here's what happens. I had my fat family to my home over the summer

and they're lovely people, but they were all like, can you part by the beach without a permit? You don't have a permit. What's gonna happen? You're gonna tow it? They're gonna give, but they were all like, can you part by the beach without a permit? You don't have a permit, what's gonna happen? You're gonna tell it? They're gonna give you a ticket. And it's just like that, and they don't. And it's the fear. It's the fear that these people walk around with all day

and nothing happens. Here's what happens most of the time. Nothing. Every now and then, yes, could you get told? Yes, could you get a ticket? Yes. Who gives a fuck? The reality is you should learn how and when you can break the rules. And then at the end of the day, you choose where you can break the rules. Is that not, does that sound crazy? No, it doesn't sound crazy. It does sound like you can weather a few mistakes. The financial storm. But you can only get there if you don't care.

If you're afraid all the time, you'll never make money, you'll never do anything. It's tough not to care when you have to pick your kid up. I've been to three years of watching comics, not say anything and not earn a dollar, because you're waiting to get jobs on a fake TV show that never happened. And they were like, I can't have an opinion about anything because I won't get on this thing that isn't real. It's not even real anymore. They're not even making these shows.

These people are eating on the street. They have their pussy on Craigslist. And for three years, they were fearful and afraid of everything. So my whole point is that you shouldn't be afraid to just live. I got my car to a meltball. We got them as they were not today, but the other day we got them. They dropped it was I paid the drop fee. I wrote in the tow truck.

It was fun. The guy was cool. A fan saw me in the tow truck. I waived to the guy's. You know, I was there. He was like, why are you getting towed? I'm like, the, you know, the fucking government. Yeah.

It's the government. Why aren't you getting told you rule following asshole? Yeah. I mean, it's just, my parents were so terrified of everything. They were so scared. And that's why my father drove a Pontiac Sundance because he was terrified of like ever, like, you know, he's like, well, you can't. They were so afraid. They're like, don't let it.

Because they were afraid of getting sued. They thought, well, my friends, we're going to kill themselves in the pool. Don't let anyone in the pool. Somebody's going to slip on the deck and we'll get sued. Or trampolines. Remember, you had a trampoline in your backyard. You're like, I can't afford the insurance on this. Yes. Because your parents paranoid about people getting sued. Well, yeah, if they, if someone your parents paranoid about people getting sued. Well, yeah, they've

just someone broke their neck on a trampoline. Art, we grew up with just this idea that like every friend we had was a liability. Yeah, it's a liability. Don't let them get on the trampoline. Don't let them get in the pool. They have asthma. Yeah, they would identify the kid with asthma. And they'd be like, he has asthma. Watch him. My parents wouldn't even get a pool because they didn't want our house to be welcoming. Interesting. Yeah, they just wanted every activity, all social gatherings were outside the home.

The idea that we might throw a party was completely far, they never left. Well remember, remember there's a rescue 911 that was on? Yeah, I got it. That was a rescue 911. Yeah, I got it. It was all about people who had accidents in their homes. And it would be like a kid who like feed his head It was all about people who had accidents in their homes.

And it would be like a kid who like fit his head and they's paralyzed in the pool. Get the rescue 911. Yeah, this guy, and this would terrify people. William Shanner. William Shanner. This was Shanner? Yeah, it was Shanner.

And then this would terrify boomers to into thinking that like their house was just booby trapped. And that literally someone was gonna, one of your kids' friends was gonna die in it, and you were gonna get sued. Pull up like a rescue 911, see if we can get like, an idea of what it was. It was always like, it would be like,

there was a drowning. She took her eyes off the water for a second. And then there was a drowning, you're like, this is what it was. There could have been a rescue 911 with, oh my God. What is going on? So it was a heavy system. Middle East. My, my mom had a cousin, or at least this was her story.

Yeah. It was a black belt. And he drove into a four foot pool and paralyzed him. So everyone has it. I never met a single athletic cousin that she's ever had. Yeah. Everyone has a story of a guy who jumped in head first. Like, people used to jump off,

go to the beginning where the ambulance is just coming. I love the open sequence. Yeah, let's see the opening. See, this is what just boomers watch, just fear. Yeah. This was they watched. This program contains true stories of rescues. All of the 911 calls you will hear are real.

Whenever possible, the actual people involved have helped us reconstruct the events as they happen. Great diction. Everyone's dying. One of your kids' friends choked to death, and you're on the hook. You're on the hook. You're footing the bill. You were drinking wine in the back room, and your daughter and her friend were raped. How about that? It was a group raping.

And you were drunken your room. All right, I read it. Is this the 80s? It feels like, yeah, it's what the it was, the 80s and that. But the people were so paranoid about, you know, and it was never because they were like, your friend is a good person. We would hate if they drowned.

Yeah. It was always like, we didn't want them to cost us money. If that, if that, if we went out in those waves a little bit farther, they would have been a rescue now on one of me, calling now on one that Tim Dillon just got swept out to sea. No one would have cared. That would have been like, they would have destroyed,

they stayed would have rejoiced. Gavin Newsom would have had like a glass of wine. How exciting, Israel cease fire. Yeah, no, the amazing. The hostages are really, yeah. Everything would be great. There's one towers built back. One by one. Everybody loves it.

You'd like to go that we try to swim, but you know, and we're strong swimmers, but it was rough. Yeah, I think that's a good death for you though. Dying in Malibu at a beautiful beach. It feels like I want to kill a lot of people when I die. I want to kill a lot of people with you. I want to kill a skyd people with you. I want to kill a guy diving one eye and die. Whatever. That's too hard to something something big. Yeah, something big. So what are you guys? What are you guys? Who are you? Muzzies or Jews? What are you at right now?

Go on the record. My cannon on Twitter. What are you at Mike teeny? Muslims or Jews? Go on the record now. Who is it? I can and on Twitter. region are going to hate each other for a long time. It's just there's no hope of this, of a reconciliation, right? It doesn't feel that way. It doesn't feel like it. It's kind of, it goes, you know, when is it going to be like Palestinians and Israelis having like hot sex? There's got to be some subcalibrate. That's for sure under like a taboo porn category. There's got to be when are when are they going to walk

Gaza with like the bloods and crypts with the blue and the red and chip tied together. It's big guys. It's over. I mean, hopefully the end of the week, but it doesn't seem like that. That'd be nice. No, I mean, I worry about, you know, people that are living there, are they going to be able to, because everyone wants to be fun and cool, you know, and it's just not, like, I feel for the kids that are growing up in Gaza. I feel for the kids that are growing up in Israel that are like not, you know, like their lives now are just completely shattered, you know? Yeah.

No, it's truly a terrible awful thing. I don't know. I agree. a terrible, awful thing. I don't know, man. I can't. Agreed. Hard to agree. I am this way. Strongly agree. I gotta speak out for the people. You have to use your platform.

This is it. Because there's a lot of people over there right now. Let's be honest, not for nothing. There's a lot of people over there right now. Hearding, and they're in pain, and it's not nice. And what I would like to say is stop it. Yeah. Yeah. What?

To whom? I say stop it to all. The blanket's stopping. Well, I say to everyone, smart. It's good.'s you know me and my cousins used to throw each other down the stairs. Sure. During Thanksgiving. And you know what my aunt Carole would say? She'd have a glass of wine and she'd like, stop, and we go, but he did it. They did it. And she'd go, everyone stop it. Everyone stop it. You're disrespecting Nanny's house. Stop it now. And that's kind of what the energy here. The energy here is is is just cut it out.

You're acting like a bunch of knuckleheads and dodo birds. That's what my grandmother was saying. Who's the grandmother in this situation? Biden. He's going to be a shy name. I have no idea. Joe Biden and his individually closing eyes. Here's what we went to a great restaurant last night. Avra, shout out to Avra. And Beverly Hills, Kim Kardashian having her party, a couple of blocks away at Thunk,

which I wasn't invited to, which is fun. It's okay. And Kim Kardashian is there with Ivanka Trump and other lovely people and luminaries celebrating, Hailey Bieber and all of that. And we were, as importantly, shopping our own event. Lobster pasta. At Avra, which is a great Mediterranean restaurant in Beverly Hills. I have one in New York, shout out to the manager in York who always takes care of me.

Wasn't in Beverly Hills the other night. That's okay. But let's remember that when I go back in. But we were there and everybody's Arabs are Jews in Beverly Hills. Everyone's Persian. They're either Jewish or Arab, and they all look alike, and everyone's kind of being very quiet. White BMW, Glowr. Yeah, it's very, you know, and so we're all sitting there looking at them going, which one are you?

And, right? Doesn't, isn't that what you were doing? I was looking around the restaurant going, which one are you? Because you all kind of have the nose. Uh-oh. You're all, look, they do. And they're all kind of tan and they're all rich.

Yeah. And I'm like, what? What? And it's kind of, you just gotta say one thing to them to kind of find out. What's that thing? You just sit down next to either one of them and you go, oof.

Been a long time coming. It's been a long time coming. Now, it depends what they think I mean, right? The Hamas attack or the obliteration of Gaza. The counter attack. But when you say been a long time coming over there, then they get to take the lead. The first thing they say will lead you to their opinion. Of course. Absolutely.

And you'll know which one they are. You're putting out some Middle East breadcrumbs. That's right. Yeah. Because we are, what religion are you? Irish Catholic? Yeah. Me too.

What about you? Same. Same. We're not in it, boys. Yeah. We're not in it. First good. Our people are pro Palestine. Yeah, I wish. They are.

Irish Catholics are. Is that true? Yeah, because they were. But I thought we were pro Israel because they're protecting the place where Jesus comes back. No, because we feel like a similar, like because of Northern Ireland

and the British and the IRA, we feel very like a kinship with the Palestinians. I don't. Per se. Okay. I,'t. Yeah. Percent. Okay. Uh-huh. I, uh, no. I'm saying this. The only reason I don't feel a kinship with the Palestinians is because I am more of an American than I am Irish. Of course. Yeah. Because I don't have that thing. I'm not saying the Palestinians are wrong. I'm saying that I don't, the Irish have that experience with Britain in the UK, I don't.

Sure. Yeah. I'm just glad you're saying something because silence is violence. I'm saying it all. Yeah. No, it's I said today I said Israel should do a ceasefire but the Palestinian to release all the hostages.

They should release all the hostages and then there should be a ceasefire. And then we should do, I talked about it, a big fucking concert. Peace with Ed Sheeran Drake. Massive, massive concert. Massive concert. Like, we are the world, we are the children thing.

Massive concert. You're telling me Ed Sheeran can't get up there with a guitar and fix this. It's a little repeater thing that is going on. The castle on the hill. You're telling me that that sewer rat probably can't get up there. The problem is a tar.

I think there are little gun shy of music festivals right now. I think that's, I should have, we have, have him on the show. That was discussed. Gun shy was just... That was an inappropriate. But the fact that you would say that, that is disgusting and disrespectful. No, I agree with you.

Apparently it is. It is odd that you would, I would suggest that a musical thing would help. They've had concerts in Vegas. I'm just saying, you need that energy of, do we need that energy or not of this? Yeah. The energy we kind of need. A little sway. A little sway. A deescalation. We will. Do we need that energy or not of this? Yeah. The energy we kind of need, coming together.

That's what we do. A de-escalation. Maybe do it a little further from Gaza this time. Yeah. I need. It's got to be some metal detectors, some security. Yeah. You know, but Drake.

You know, Drake has been oddly quiet about this whole thing considering he's half involved. Right, that's interesting. Yeah. He doesn't really speak up. He's got an album to push. Well, you know what it is. It's probably difficult because he probably sees both sides of it and he's big in the

Arab world. Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah, he's massive, but he's also Jewish. He's big in the Arab world. Oh yeah. Yeah. He's massive, but he's also Jewish. He's big in the whole world. That's true. That's never part of the world. But specifically with regard to this conflict,

right, his standing in Iceland is immaterial. You know what I mean? We're talking more about his relationship to those people. The Arabs. So he's, you know, I mean, this, you know, they try to get this up. They're trying to get Bill Gates is trying to, they want to kick the leaders of Hamas out of the four seasons and do a guitar. Here's what I say to that.

There's not a lot of good hotels in this world. There's very few of them. And the four seasons has consistency. It has good betting. It has room service that is pretty damn good. I don't know if we need to go kick Hamas out of the four seasons and double guitar. They have a standing room.

Well, they're not. I don't even know. Well, they're condos in the four seasons that they live in. Representative Mike Waltz demands Bill Gates, ban Hamas from Qatar four seasons. Representative Mike Waltz is calling on billionaire Bill Gates to step in and ban Hamas terrorists from using any of the four seasons hotels, including one of the company's properties in Qatar.

Noting that the Microsoft co-founder and former CEO has a controlling stake in a hotel chain through his investment firm. Hamas's political wing has previously hosted events at the four seasons hotel in Della, including a 2016 reception with Denturkis Prime Minister Ahmet. Good luck. Yeah. I mean, and but so here's the deal. Qatar is very interesting, right? Because Qatar is like this, you know, I'm at least your country, but it's westernized.

Didn't they have the world cop? Mm hmm. Right. Yeah. Well, that stuff happened. They killed thousands of slaves while they built their stadium. Yeah. Well, but was it, did you see it? Yeah, it was good. Beautiful. But this is what I mean. Seemed hot. We, you know, slaves also built the White House.

Right. I mean, a long time ago. But, you know, you can't, you know, what is the thing about the omelette in the egg and the- Got a break a few. You got to break a few eggs and break a few slaves. You have to break a few slaves to get a stadium. The point is, the point is the Arab world is going out there and they're saying we are the future, we're going to have great big sporting events. When they say can we do the Olympics in Los Angeles, you know, with the sick fox here, say no, we can't because we have too many homeless people.

We can't move. So we can't so the guitar and all these places going like we come here. Yeah. We will host the biggest events, the biggest UFC, the World Cup. We're ready. Put us in coach and then cities like L.A. cannot get enough people that can't keep them from shitting in the street long enough so somebody could do the pole vault. It's disgusting. So here's what I'll say, Hamas is not good and what they did was barbaric.

But the political wing of Hamas has been singing the four seasons for a very long time. Here's the way I feel about brand loyalty. This is the way I feel about brand loyalty. This is the way I feel about brand loyalty. I believe in it as a concept. And I believe that not only do you value a brand, but a branch would value you.

And if Hamas is gonna bring money into the four seasons in Doha and do events and do the make your own waffle, when they do that, when they bring the Turkish Prime Minister in and they're gonna do the omelet station, we know how it goes. We have the omelet station. We have make your own waffle. You know, if Amas is going to utilize that, then I don't know if who are we to say, you know, well, and it's a slippery slope. What's next? The Yakuza are going to be ejected from a hotel, not my hotel. By the way, I've stayed in very high in hotels for a very long time and the,

the people that say they were primarily criminals and we, and thank you. Because without money laundering, without murder and killing and there's no nice anything. Yeah. There's nothing nice without death. And that's not popular to say, but it is true. If you see marble, there's blood somewhere. I mean, you know, you know, you know, diamonds without blood, diamonds.

So here's what I'm saying. I'm saying that I think that the political wing of Hamas, if they have, I mean, where are you on this? Why am I always, come on. Come on. Hamas. Hamas in the four seasons, Mike. Hamas in the Four Seasons, my piece. Hamas in the Four Seasons.

We're gonna put this right on that. Hamas in the Four Seasons, go. Well, I think you make interesting points, Tim. I do enjoy peace. I do think that brand loyalty is important, but like you said, Hamas is not, how about a nice stop it? Stop it. But should they be allowed allowed should Hamas be allowed to stay in the four seasons?

Yeah, yeah, yes, I think they should. Yes, we're not because you know again, right? Again, where does it stop? And if they're like put them into a holiday in or somewhere less comfortable, how much are they? They're gonna urgently do something. It's gonna be worse. Yeah, of course it will. into a holiday in or somewhere less comfortable. How much are they, they're gonna urgently do something about that. Yeah, of course it will.

Yeah, of course. It's you take me out of the four seasons. I'll get my fat ass in a paraglider tomorrow. Dude, if you won't even get off the ground, how embarrassing of that be. Do you have to roll in in a barrel? If you, uh, It's episodes are final one.

Yeah. If you take them off of a sweet memory foam bed and put them on a hard motel six cot. Yeah, no, by the way, putting them in a shit hotel is not gonna make it better dummy. This is a dumb art govern. This is how dumb art government is.

Our government's like, get their scrambled eggs out of their mouth. Like, it's not funny. You got a geopolitical crisis. Yeah, it's not the fruit scrambled eggs out of their mouth. Like it's not funny. You got a geopolitical crisis. Yeah, it's not the fruit cup that we're worried about. You have Iran about to get into the war with Hezbollah. You have China with destroyers in the South, in the Middle East, whatever the fucking thing is.

You have Russia that's backing certain militias out there that don't like us. We have a whole brew thing brewing here that's a real big world war three scenario. And this guy's like, get him out of the bed. It's got to start with their thread count. Yeah. Yeah. Is it Egyptian cup?

It's crazy. This is your solution to world war three. This is just a head to matter of the four seasons. This is just a person trying to say literally anything without commenting on the war? Is it being like, what if we just, what if we just get them out of there? That's my,

the four seasons in an October 15 statement said, Hania, who's the Hamas guy, is not living or staying in the four seasons, it's Hode de la Doa. But did not immediately respond to the post request for comment about the length of his previous state. So he's not even there. They just don't want to. He is. But yeah, how

are they going to? But that's the thing. I checked out. He checked out. He dropped his key in the slot. He haven't seen. And by the way, you know, because this is all, but you know how nice he probably is to everybody. I bet he tips well. You know what I mean? You know how nice is. I'm not saying he's a good person. Yeah. But I'm saying he's nice. He's probably very nice. So he's probably got people lying Yeah. I'm saying he's nice. He's probably very nice. So he's probably got people lying for him going like, he, uh, each, uh, Mr. Hania, he's his shadow. You check that out.

Isn't that a kind of outside of everything? It does seem like kind of a security concern if he is staying there. Oh, it will be. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because I mean, the massage going to get it on and shout out to the massage and I respect what they're going to do. They're going to have to be satz and people. massage gonna get it on and shout out to the massage. And I respect what they're gonna do. They're gonna go out and stab and they're gonna be able.

Everybody's gotta get a shout out here. That's the reality. Yeah. But they are not gonna take this line, that's why all the idiots who are just like free potless time, that's a fine perspective to have, but also understand that like, Israel's not going to completely roll over

after their citizens are slaughtered. Sure. That's just not gonna happen. It's not a realistic thing roll over after their citizens are slaughtered. That's just not going to happen. That's not a realistic thing. The world is the way it is. Now, you may not like that the Palestinian don't have a state. I would agree and say that it's not a sustainable situation and it is barbaric and they've been living in that. But this idea that Israel's just not going to respond is crazy.

That's crazy. So this is what it is. You know, this is a real big fucking mass, especially from a country who loves responding in and over the top way. They respond. We do. And we do. Yeah.

Big time. That's kind of our thing. We were kind of the best at that. But doesn't it doesn't it feel very kind of post 9-11, though, in the messaging that they're trying to get us to support this shit, which is like us against evil, us against the good guy. It was also very Russia, you know, all of the, all of the whole election was like Russia installed Trump, Russia's evil. Then it was Russia and Ukraine. We got to fight Russia. And now it's China, China, we got to fight China. We're fighting North Korea for

a minute. They're fighting North Korea. It's, there's always an enemy. And if there's not an enemy, there's an enemy in the wings. Yeah, it's a waste. It's an enemy in the wings. Like we're kind of we test out enemies. You see the state where they focus group enemies. Focus group enemies. We get a free look.

Like Syrian never caught on. Yeah. We don't really. Yeah. Because we were going in a Syria getting rid of the Libyan state and the Syrian state. Meanwhile, ISIS is running around Syria. Yeah.

So then Russia, we are arming ISIS to fight Russia. And we're arming ISIS to fight the Assad family around Syria. Again, they're not great, but they had a government where we're arming militias to fight the Syrian government and the Libyan government. And then we turn around and go, gotta get tough with terrorism. It's like we gave them all the money. But it's like a therapist giving shitty advice on purpose. Yes.

They always come back. We need them. We need them. Just enough advice to keep coming back. No, we need them and we need them. We need these groups to pee. And it really is, that's what it is. Yeah.

We just go around that part of the world, handing out missiles, getting people going, cheating people, and then eventually one of them gets big enough to fuck with us. And then we go out the world. We are where the guy in the bar that goes over to one drunk guy and he goes, you know, like I was talking shit about. Yeah. Yeah. We like, he inches his girlfriend's ass and then fades into the back. But that great Bill Hicks bit about like pick up the gun. You know, like Shane, the more like pick up the gun, like Jack Palin's being like, you saw him, he had a gun, you know what you mean?

But I just, I hope this whole thing, I hope this whole thing works out and you know me, I, I don't pull any punches, but I'll tell you this wacky. And stop it wacky and stuff. And I'll tell you this right now, let's go to some good news for a change. Argentina court acquits none in deaf children, sex abuse case. Thank you. Good news.

Wow. Good news. The deaf kids were lying. Hahaha. Two nuns and seven other female employees of an Argentine Institute for Deaf Children were acquitted by a court Wednesday of sexual abuse and rape. The ruling broadcast on public television concluded a trial of two and a half years in a case

that has shocked the home country of Pope Francis. Two priests in charge of the children at the Antonio Pervolo Center, Horatio, Kubarto and Nicola Karate have been presented. That's kind of close. Karate have been convicted. That's kind of close. Karate. Well, how would you pronounce it? That actually is.

It's exactly it. No, but it's just. I've been convicted and handed sentences of more than 40 years for sexual abuse, including rape of 20 monitor. See, the Catholic church, it's not great. The victims were four to 17. Jesus Christ, when the crimes were committed.

The institutions, Gardner, Armando Gomez, has also been jailed for 18 years. Why do they not go for life, by the way? were four to 17 Jesus Christ when the crimes were committed. The institution's gardener Armando Gomez has also been jailed for 18 years. Why do they not go for life? By the way, I don't understand why they're 18 years. Yeah. Several staff were taken into custody after allegations of abuse first surface. Um, why are they still referring to them as crimes, even though they were committed acquitted? So don't know. no, no, these people all went to jail. I think keep going down because we're going to get to, um, okay, hold on, hold on. Here we go. Here we go. Go up.

Um, a little bit more. The latest case focused on the alleged abuse of 11 of the children in the dock, where Japanese nun, Kameko Kusaka and Paraguayan Ascension Martinez, as well as a former cook, a psychologist, a legal representative in a school director and three other employers. Kusaka stood accused of aggravated sexual abuse and covering up the crimes. And Martinez of corruption of minors among the other alleged offenses, a panel of three judges on Wednesday acquitted them. They were all acquitted of the abuse of the death.

So those two, okay, the rest, well the, the Ariel Lazaga, the father of one of the accusers described the outcome as a total injustice. Lazarga, the father of one of the accusers described the outcome as a total injustice. Well, they know, I don't know, they maybe they know somebody on the inside. They're just saying that deaf kids are unfuckable. That's kind of what they're saying. They're all just saying they're liars. They're liars by their nature, the death. But this is a good, this is the good news this week because everything else is bad.

Yeah. So this is good. The death children that were abused were not abused by these people. Right. Somebody got them. That is true. But not these guys. So like, I always look, you know, it's a silver lining on the cloud of the Catholic church. Yeah, you don't want, you don't want wrongful imprisonment. That's no good. No, I mean, I mean, I don't know. Man arrested for faking heart attack 20 times at restaurants to avoid paying bill. Now this guy, in my mind, is an American hero. Yes, I think he did in Spain. This man, in my opinion, is a Spanish hero.

He's an American hero that he's 50 years old. He was from Lithuania. He's an American hero. Is that he's 50 years old. He was from Lithuania. And he was arrested in Spain. In my opinion, is a Lithuanian hero. Yeah, I mean, it's funny that, by the way, it's a lot to fake a heart attack. Yeah, that's like a physical effort.

You're also getting an ambulance to come. You're like, he's in it making a scene. It's not a thing. Nobody could do that in America because it would be more money to have a fake heart attack. Oh, yeah. The bill, it's like 1500 bucks. People with real heart attacks, you know, put me in an Uber.

Yeah. Yeah. Ford. So in Europe, I guess you can just fake heart attacks. I guess maybe they got him in a car. Does it say how we did it? Like did they smuggle him into a car or something? The man attempted to leave without paying, but the restaurant staff stopped him and noted

how he still needed to pay the bill. On the scammer became visibly upset and said he was going to get the money from his hotel room. When staff refused to let him leave without paying, the man dramatically threw himself on the ground and pretended to have a heart attack. Not fooled, the staff called the police and instead of an ambulance,

the man was recognized by local authorities. That's a tough dismount from faking that to then kind of looking around and noticing nobody's buying it. And then being like, I've had this exact situation happen. I worked at an Applebeast and there was a woman who threw Purl on the floor when she went to the bathroom.

I loved it at every stage of your life. Yeah. You could have done something stage of your life. Yeah. You could have done something better. I'm just didn't. Like, there was no reason for you to ever work at an Applebee. No, ever in your life. No. It's the craziest thing in the world.

Yeah, it was an old Rio. Oh, it was right after. There's so many better restaurants, better places. It was all right. I figured out how to add auto-cortuity. It was okay. But I, it was, yeah, it was there a few months. And literally the person threw PURL on the ground as they went to the bathroom when they

came out of the bathroom. She looked both ways, didn't even pretend to slip. She laid down slowly in it on the ground and started screaming. The manager, because I guess this happens a lot. She just, especially at an Applebee, she just, I like that. Especially at an Applebee's, the manager checked the security footage, saw all of it, and she was like,

I want my meal comped. I want to eat here for free for the rest of my life. All these demands, and she goes, all right, I just watched the security tape, you're full of shit, we're gonna call the police, and then she goes, all right, well then like, at least a free dessert. Right.

So that was her bargaining chip, and the woman's like, I'm calling the police and she's like, here's the money and extra for tip and I'm so sorry. Well, there's something fun and I've always respected people that commit to something and the idea of going out to Applebee's and eating the food, knowing that you're gonna have to do that.

A two for 20 meal. That's two appetizers, two entrees for $20. She had the whole thing. No, she was with another person. Okay. So $10, she's on the line for $ meal. That's two appetizers, two entrees for $20. No, she was with another person. Okay. So $10. She's on the line for $10. But it's so funny to just turn around to that other person when they started to get out to wallet. You go, no, no, no, no, no, no, I got this on me. I got this on Purrell. No, it's, there is something distinctly American about trying to get out of especially a restaurant.

We dine and dashed when we were little kids. We run out of Boulder Creek, stay-cows and Hicksville, but they're just running out. Once it Fridays, I've probably told this story before, the waitress was very vicious and rude. She was very rude person. Cause she worked at Fridays. So that's true. But I was a high scape. Yeah, perhaps that she created.

Yeah. And we were sitting there and me and a bunch of my friends and she was very rude. So I told them all to leave and then I just went back in because you know, Fridays is tactic. I just went in and grabbed all the money out of the thing. And I got back in the car and I went to the sleep. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I got in the car and I just turned to my friend's brother and went go, go, go, go. And I started handing everyone back their money. I'm like, here's your 20, here's your 20 and we were all just laughing. It's a great night. Sure. We, uh, I think they make them pay for it. Oh, yeah. They definitely, I think that woman had to pay the money. It takes out of it goes out of their thing. We used to do that at the Blavvelt diner. And, uh, in Rockland County in Blavvelt. And we had similar 3 a.m. we weren't drinking yet, we were younger, but this waitress being, you know,

she didn't want, we were ordering bullshit. Right. So she was so mean that we ended up paying her but leaving the cash in the milkshake on the table and dipping it to the point where we left it like a few bucks short too, so it wasn't even like exact, but we'd change at the bottom of the milkshake, the whole thing walked out and she didn't slamming on the window as we were running away. I left it like a few bucks short too, so it wasn't even like exact. But we'd change at the bottom of the milkshake,

the whole thing walked out and she didn't slamming on the window as we were running around. Here's a thing, just desirable. They had to do that. Now I tip so well, I overdo it, I tip crazily. I'm good, but when you're a teenager, there is a time in your life when it is completely appropriate,

really to do things like that. To destroy someone's day. It's really appropriate when you are a teenager to do things like that occasionally. Yeah. Because when you get older, you cannot do that. Having crime is real fun. But like, you know, flipping out a little bit and doing something crazy, like trying to get out of a restaurant with that pan as a teenager, I think is okay.

Yeah. I mean, I think it's okay. I was constantly doing it. With money and stuff, it wasn't like that, but we would constantly damage shit. Yeah, we committed a lot of crime. Pulling fences out of the ground. Oh, dude, it was the best.

You know, that pull down basketball. Throwing eggs. Yeah. Pulled paper. Paintball houses. We would throw eggs. You know, there was people that worked at Bally's. Now, at least total fitness, sure. There's a big window and they'd be like

running on treadmills and we would like throw eggs at them and many of them didn't even do anything. They were just running on the trail like on the elliptical wake of who cares. There was a French guy that lived across the street from my friend Timmy and he was just kind of rude to us once and we took two baseball bats. We were 10 years old across to his yard and hit his tree into splinters. Just for no reason. We were like, fuck you for looking at us weird. And then we threw snowballs in his open door. One day he accidentally left the front door to his house open. That's what I'm saying. But these are the things that my friend, this

woman Jill, who lived next to us. Me and my friend would smoke pot in my backyard when my parents, my mother wasn't home, they'd been divorced and Jill would say things to us and we used to grab butcher knives, me and my friend, my trebby other little friend and we were like 12 years old and we were like, we'll fucking kill you, you dumb bitch, we'll cut your fucking head off, you bitch. And she called the police. I got a person in need of supervision of pins petition. No shit. I talk about it in my book. Yeah. But what's interesting about it is that um, you know, it was fun. It was fun to do, you know. My street had just a bunch

of like people come. I mean, like you talked about rescue. I went one, but I thought earlier you're talking about nanny 911. You remember that show where people, it was it was the same kind of concept where like it was like a terrible home. And they needed to have a nanny come in to fix the situation because the parents couldn't get control of the kids. They shot my now. They shot an episode of that.

Those are say's are Milan for kids. Yeah, they go stick that. They shot an episode of that on my block and because the kids were like, it was like across the street for my best or so. They were just, they were insane. They were throwing like hammers at people and cars going by. Yeah, that's not one one.

I do it. It is, because it's just the kids were so out of control. Yeah. The one on Long Island. It was like one of the most, I don't know if it's the Valenti one, but it's like literally the most, it's one of the most, uh, Mo'Naneland's always a legendary episode.

Because people can't imagine the animals that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, the parents are stunned that their kids are acting up while they're fist fighting drunk in the kitchen. That's right. Love that show wife swap. We're like, they like, they'll switch it.

Oh, yeah, they switched the families. He switched the families and like, they'll be a little fat kid who's like, I'm not eating that salad. And the moment is like, this is what we eat, we eat vegetables. And he's like, no, what we eat, we eat vegetables. And he's like, no, I don't. No. It was unbelievable.

But my mama let's meet Nessie Quig Talk, the powder for dinner. Okay, so is this the one in Long Island? I don't know if this is the one in Long Island. I know that. The Long Island one I haven't found. Okay. But this is just generic. All right, let's see this.

Find the Long Island one, please. Okay. Just some kids crying because Obama won a long island. No, he was a communist community. He's a Muslim. He's married to a man. Well, it's all true. Manny 911. Is it the Lawrence just hilarious? He's like, you know, the idea of a guy being

like the families are animals. The kids are miserable. It looks crazy. It looked like such white trash. This was like, you know, they had like, you know, people had a... This was also pre-adderall, right? Kind of riddle.

Riddlein was in. Riddlein was in, but what town is it, Mike? Just curious about this place. Is it in Senareach? It's crazy. You grew up in center reach? Yeah. Wow. They call it center rico a lot.

Why? Heavily Puerto Rican. Racist. That's not racist. It's just the demographics. It was Irish. It was Irish in Puerto Rican. That's the type of guy you want to be.

Is that Sebastian? Is that the kind of guy? You ever go over there, a guy? What are they go over there and go, huh? What are they doing over there? Can you let the Italians cater to pogrom? Pagrom? Can we please let the Italians cater to pogrom?

I'm a little better. Yeah, what are you doing over there? I'm, I'm, I'm, we watch some of the, sure, sure. Yeah, that's what you do. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm 100% white kids Real natties. Are they all bros? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that. They don't have like, is it Mary Poppin' situation? You're gonna end up like Princess Diana if you don't get

that fucking chance. They always wore that, the little cape. They will then have one week to take over. Well, duty would we did to the Congo. They're just like showing kids playing. There's gonna have to be some major changes that go on. That's the plan. Can these families be saved. What a fun show. Can these families be saved? Yeah, it turns out. The ones on my block were not able to. All right, all right. This is sick. Very popular. I'm sure it was. Nobody likes anything better than watching

something horrible. Yeah. Like we've done, you know, the TLC stuff, which has gone crazy. It's like there's nothing, there's nothing, there's nothing more exciting to people than watching, you know, that type of TV. But now the news has gotten so crazy that there's no real, like the reality shows now. Yeah. You can't compete with China's got warships in the Gulf.

We've got warships in the Gulf. That's why they're going the opposite way. They're doing like the golden bachelor. Oh, this is interesting. Like the old people bachelor, it's feel good. They're like, I'll look at these people before they die trying to find someone to find. Right. It's a love story.

Yeah. And often to the sunset. That's it, dude. Yep. Because the divisive stuff, there was a time for that. It's not anymore. It often to the sunset. That's it, dude. Yeah. Because the divisive stuff, there was a time for that. It's not anymore. It's not right now. No, it's gotten too rough now. Yeah. The real world has gotten too rough. You need to just do like things about nice. A lot of people, I asked my mom about the whole Israel Palestine thing. And she was like, have you seen who moved to the next round that America's got talent? She's, that's

for the levels. She's like, they have a dog who juggles. You know what I mean? It's like, that's kind of where we're going towards. Is it full? Well, the dog's dead. And we don't know who killed it. It was either a missile that misfired from the Palestinians or an airstrike from Israel.

But that dog was in the hospital. And now he's dead. That's a Yamaka. By the way, where are we at? On the hospital. Who bought my hospital? Who bought my hospital? Who bought my hospital? To be a segment.

Who bought my hospital? Who bought my hospital? We should have like a do-op group. Who we use? Who bought my hospital? Who we use? Who bought my hospital? 500 dead.

Who bought my hospital? Everybody thinks it was guys up. But we don't know how they have visual analysis. The visual analysis now saying maybe this wasn't misfired rocket from Hamas. And you've been saying this the whole time to your credit. You've been. Yeah, you've been saying this whole time, but I have been, I've been unsure only because I like to get the facts. You like to gather information? I like to get the facts.

Travis fired right from the hip. He had the whole honeycomb line thing. He was seriously. But let's see, let's see, let's see, show us something that proves that this, please. This is also from Al Jazeera too. Oh, I'm boy. What does this might be an ad? Oh, yeah, it is hold on. What's play out? So Al Jazeera is,

remember they, they first started getting big during the Red Rock. Yeah. Yeah. They aired bin Laden's videos. They were the first to the mixtape. Right. Yeah. That's right. They were Al Jazeera. And now they're okay., so let's let's watch a little. There it is. Let's watch a little Al Jazeera. There's the rocket. The Al Jazeera news channel, a rocket launch was visible on the frame that's looking out over the night sky. From other cameras, we can clearly see the launch of multiple rockets. The Al Jazeera camera shows one of them that appears to veer off and break apart in mid-air.

You can see obviously it fails and flight and spins out and disintegrates. It is not surprising a number of weapons fail and it is well known that a number of weapons will drop inside cars are and do drop inside cars are and do, unfortunately, kill civilians and garsers during these other surprises. It was made in America. There was a small explosion seen on the ground in the distance. And then two seconds later, a much larger explosion, the timestamp that was on the screen, 6.59 p.m.

local time, was the time that the hospital was struck. Those timestamps are in a very small timeframe that Rocket was definitely launched from within Gaza, that a particular hospital based on a lot of geolocation patterns does seem to line up with that general geography. I don't like her tone. It's very condescending. Yeah.

Yeah. Telling us we're dumb for not knowing. No, yes. Is is Hamas saying it's Israel? Yes. Yes. But I mean, so there it is. And it's is a horrible tragedy like obviously we're here doing jokes because this is our job to be comedians, but yeah, this is not.

It's awful. This is awful and this is crazy shit, you know what I mean? Like, this is inhuman and barbaric. That was a good album cover though. It was the last one. Yeah, but... It's like Rage Against The Machine at the Burning. Who's the last one? It's like rage against the machine at the burning. And a lap of parental advice.

We're gonna get a fat wall against us. Yeah, pretty soon. That was my cannon. That's it. Yeah, my cannon. My cannon. Hey, show, but I have said to any Muslim listening who wants to kill me, I have said I'm not convinced Israel

didn't do this because maybe they have a really good propaganda. I don't know, but maybe it was a misfired rocket from Gaza. Stop it. I mean, I just feel like someone's going to take the Hubam the Hospital out of context. And auto tune it, put a beep behind it. That's going to be something to do. That's the album cover.

Boom boom the house, little, little, we use. Boom boom the house, boom boom the house. They said it was Gaza but it wasn't. Boom boom boom. But it's like, you know, I mean, we, you know. It's brutal. It's, it's really crazy that you're looking at these real scenes of so much chaos, death and destruction

and you know, you're powerless to do much about it. Like I know all these celebrities signed a letter and God bless. Are we sure that didn't end everything though? No, I think so. I think it was worth. I think people started really killing each other after that. But I get it.

I understand people going, let's sign the letter. But here's the problem. It feels kind of like that imagined thing during COVID. Sure it does. It feels a lot like that, right? It's tough. And I just don't think BB Netanyahu cares that Kate Blanchett and Hassan Manage signed the letter.

You don't think Jessica Chastain's signature is gonna move the needle. Yeah, I don't think it cares. Gal Gadot signed a letter by the way that said, kill him all. So you want to talk about letters. And her statement industry A-listers signed a letter to Biden urging a ceasefire in Gaza. And listen, I would agree with that,

but you also have to release all these hostages that you have to do it. Here's the thing, imagine this works and Biden is like truly taking any kind of advice from fucking celebrities. No, their agent is going, will you sign this? Yeah. They go, okay, they're signing it. I'm sure some of them are affected more than others.

Some of them, you know, like our Moammer, great comic, a given and passion speech, talked about this. This is where he comes from, these are his people. Like, there are people that are genuinely speaking out from their own experience and no people on the ground. They know things that are happening that are real. But then there's also a lot of celebrities that are just signing a letter because they want

they want attention. Yeah, or they want attention and they probably they want this to end and stuff. But the reality is it's just like, I just don't know if this country or if any country has ever listened to celebrities signing a letter. No.

I don't know that that's ever been a factor. Well, I like that they tried singing Imagine, they realized that backfire. So I like, let's go old school. Let's do a letter. Well, do you think Marilyn Monroe was sucking JFK's dick and giving him advice on the Bay of Pigs? No, no, no, but that's when people knew their place. It was a simpler time.

A better time. Yeah, it was. No, but I mean, the reality here is that Hamas has got to go, we're releasing all of the hostages. They got to say that and they got to release all the hot because otherwise, it's just not going to stop. They'll just go to, it'll be World War three. This is the reality.

And I know people are like, well, what about all that hostages and Palestine, a two million that Palestinian state? They're not debating that now. You might debate that in the reality. And I know people are like, well, what about all that, the hostages and Palestine, a two million, Palestinian state? They're not debating that now. You might debate that in the future. Let's stick to what's happening now. You retards dumbest people in the world, a message may. Here's the thing, retard. What you have to do now is you have to just end this immediate situation.

Anything else you wanna do can only be done. Dummies after you end this immediate, horrible situation. That's what you have to do. Then you can do other things. You're never gonna do those other things without ending this immediate nightmare. Yeah, then you go to the table. Then you go to the table with other things

and go, we need to figure something out. That will never happen unless all this hostages aren't freed. And then there is a ceasefire and Israel does not do a ground assault. It's a big mistake to do a ground assault, Gaza. It's urban warfare, it's crazy, it's trench, it's a bad idea. It's a bad, bad idea. Yeah, how could they possibly go in there with any confidence? And then what happens?

You evict all these people throw them out, then what? What do you do? Take over Gaza, you run, it'll never be a good idea. The Israeli troops will be sitting ducks for more attacks if they're in, it's a very bad idea. Thomas freed me from the New York Times, I make fun of all the time, but he's right about this. I make fun of him, he says dumb things.

He's like, the world has gone from connected to hyper-connect. It's like, can you please, this is all these word things I hate, but he's right about this. It's a mistake to go and occupy it on the ground. Yeah. This is like, rack and I've got, this is all of this. This is going into the mountains and the tunnels.

This is a bad idea. I would do it. This is a bad idea. And they want us involved. They want America involved. They want American troops. We're already footing the bill. We're already footing the bill.

This is a big mistake. You know, after 9-11, we did a lot of bad shit. Yeah. We destabilized a lot of countries. And the reality of the situation is, don't you don't want to make that mistake. The question is, who do you think actually wrote that letter? Who is the actual person who sat down and wrote that thing that they all signed? Do your president Biden become the gatherer's artists and advocates, but, but most importantly, as human beings witnessing devastating loss of lives and folding horrors in his own pal, it's a, it's probably unicef. We believe the United States can play a diplomatic role in ending the suffering we're

adding our voices, those from the Congress, unicef doctors without borders, international committee, the Red Cross. I imagine it's some UN subcommittee like it's, but we were talking about it last night that they, with the imagined video with stuff like this, they've almost become the anti-influencer, where the things that they stand for, people are having an adverse reaction to it

because it's disingenuous. So, and because it's all over the fucking place, and because it's mostly self-serving. So as soon as people see that the general celebrity populace is on board with something, they're automatically like, yeah, I'm off this. There's nothing really that can be done for such a conflict that is so layered.

And it's been going on for so long. You have a four paragraph letter. Yeah. That says we would like it to stop. Yeah. Please. And we're famous. I mean, to be fair, that is how we started this show. What? By saying we would like it to end, deescalate and stop it. Well, I have only said that. I have said that as someone who, the only reason I want it to stop is because I want to start a war there. Oh. I want more bloodshed. I'm for the death of children.

I'm going at it from the other way. I want nukes. I want a Christian crusade to kill them all. That's what I'm saying. Where's the ad? Do you have an ad now? How many of you want to do an ad? And we want to do an ad now?

I'm pro Christian crusade. That's why I'd like this to stop. So we can have time to lose weight so we can go in there. No matter where your adventure is taking you this fall, bespoke post has a box of awesome to make it just that more awesome. The box of awesome is filled with carefully chosen gear from the best small brands around the world.

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Code Tim Dylan T.I.M.D.I.L.L.L.O.N By the way, get this story out. Most of the American military is fat, but who cares? There's nothing more American than fat people killing others. his fat, but who cares? There's nothing more American than fat people killing others. You know what? So I went over there to perform for the troops. You did. And this was interesting. I did. And one of the most, one of the things that I had the toughest time grasping was that their meals, you know, we're getting free meals over there on the base, all that shit, but we're talking to them. Their meals come out of their paycheck. So they're fucking paying for their lunch, for their meals out of their own pocket.

It's absurd. Isn't it fucking nuts? That's absurd. Right? I am right as soon as I express that. What is it? I mean, it's fine. It's fine cafeteria food, but it's just it is that. Yeah, it's getting in me. And also, someone told me on a meal, one of the military bases in Afghanistan, there was like 70,000 people. They had like a whole boardwalk of like, fast food restaurants and everything on the base. It was crazy. There, there was one in Bahrain that was really like kind of the party base. It didn't seem like anything was really going on there. But it, it, yeah, that stuff was, they were paying for their food. And then when we brought it up to them, they were kind of just like, no, it's like, how was the show? The shows were unbelievable.

They're the best shows I've ever done. I did one on Veterans Day in a theater in Kuwait. And they like presented us with all of these things being so grateful. I had just gotten bit by a marine dog that day. Yeah. Like, you know, I put it on the flag jacket. Yeah, I was just kicking it and telling it to actually do its job. I did do it. Well, and it was just an amazing time because they're very grateful. Yeah, they were so grateful, but then, you know, you see it. And also the cafeteria, you think these people, they're soldiers, right?

They're doing intense, laborious shit. They're going out there to fucking take care of business. And they're feeding them sometimes like burgers and heavy shit. And you're like, I understand the comforts of home and you need to remind them of that, but they should be fed like their super athletes. Let's not carbo load. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, maybe. But also, well, here's the deal. They're just there to kill people. Yeah. Right? It's the end of the day. It's like, we're just there to kill people.

You know, I mean, we could dress it up any way we want. Right. But they're just here to kill. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. Don't you want us to have abs while we do it? No, I think it's actually fun or cool or it's just not a bunch of fat guys over there to kill the kids.

They're pulling their shirt down. They're just here to kill 11 year olds that they think might have bombs trapped to them. So they're just gonna shoot them in a face. But I'm glad they enjoyed your show. I'm kidding. The military obesity rates so are compounding recruitment challenges. Services still struggling to find eligible applicants because everyone in the military now has gotten to be a big well. But here's the good news. We're fighting high tech wars with drones

and all kinds of like precision weaponry. We've invested so much money, billions, trillions of dollars into DARPA, the defense advanced research projects agency. We have like alien technology happening. We are so there's nothing more American than a fat guy playing a video game and wiping out people. A hundred percent. There's nothing more American than that.

Just a big fat slob. Just in a room. Just killing everyone. Disconnected from the humanity of it all. I'm not into that seal team six where everybody's ripped up and seal training. Seal training should be nothing. You know what seal training should be? You should walk in a room.

They should hand you a big Mac and they should go. They should put photos of people of all different ages and genders and everything and go, who won't you kill? And then a guy's like, I'll kill them all! They go, you're in, you're a Navy SEAL now. You push this button and just, oh, and that's what it is. Because we need people to not be pussies. We need them to press buttons and get it done.

Yeah. We don't need hot people in the middle. I mean, it's nice. Yeah. I'm old. I guess I'm old school in that way. I'm thinking about it. She's on the ground.

But what you're saying is new, that's the new age war. Is just get slavvingly people that have no problem pressing a button. They probably won't even feel it. Their fingertips are numb. I know there's some great people in the military, phenomenal people in the military, and then I know some other people.

Yeah. You know, just like cops. I can't say I became kind, you know? Yeah. And it's a courageous thing to do. We need a great military. I don't have the balls to do it. I respect everybody who does.

Yeah. I used to suck off this 24-year-old Marine who from Southern California who was kind of retarded. Is he ripped though? He's ripped. That old Marine who from Southern California was kind of retarded. Yeah. Is he ripped though? He's ripped. That is six back, but he was retarded. Yeah. And he didn't understand what was happening ever. Yeah. I'm not talking about him. I mean, he wasn't that retarded.

But I mean, like, you know, he was just like, that was the dangerous. He didn't understand what was happening. No, I was no concern. He's just playing with butterflies. He was, everyone's pro right there. We're all pro right. I've got, I mean, it's like, Christy Lee is doing that music festival in Israel next year.

They've both come right. Stop it. Don't even, I didn't. Don't even say it. I didn't even say it. Here's the point. There's a lot of people who are just, you know, a lot of people just,

I get it, we're like, kill them, they go, we gotta do it. And we gotta do it. I met a kid when I was over there. He was 18 years old from Kansas. He looked like a baby. And I was talking to him, I was like, so what do you do?

He's like, man, he's like, I wanted to be in fucking infantry. I wanted to be on the ground. He's like, turns out, I'm fucking smart. He's like, so now I be in fucking infantry, I wanted to be on the ground. He's like, turns out I'm fucking smart. He's like, so now I'm behind a computer. Yeah. He's like, livid that he doesn't get to kill people face to face.

And sometimes that's where they need to go. People that wanna kill others should go into our military. Yeah. Oh yeah. You know, because we don't want them doing that. I mean, we have the best murderers and homicides in the world, right?

I mean, we should... Well, we have good ones, but we've seen some... Sure. I mean, we've seen some of Chicago out there. Yeah. That's right. That's a real boomer. That's such a boomer. You know, it's like a boomer, like,

Hey, my, you see, my, you Chicago, you go, you go, yeah. I bet you kill people over there. Instead of killing me, you back there. Guns are illegal there and look what's going on. I'm bad dad, you go over there, you're doing the military. That way when you die, your family gets something for it. Literally, it was once we were in a mall

and the sky, this military recruiter, he went up to the sky and he was like, he was like, he should join the military. And it was a black guy, the black guy goes, he said, we're on from the Rizal War. The military recruiter goes, yeah, but when you die overseas, at least your family got something for it.

Literally, he said that in the long island mall. Holy shit, it's crazy. So like, you know, who the kid's like, all right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it makes sense. That guy killed us, I'm up in London, yeah. But I mean, it's like, all right, I'm sorry. It was like a make sense. That guy killed us, I'm a bin Laden, yeah. But I mean, it's like, did you ever think about going into the military?

No, my friends, as a prank, signed me up for the Marines. I'm not kidding, they gave them, they went to a recruitment center and then they gave them my information, my phone number, my address, and they called multiple times a week for months. And then what happened? My mom got on the phone with them, and they called multiple times a week for months. And then what happened? My mom got on the phone with them and they made good points. And then my mom got on the phone with them and screamed until they, uh, they stopped.

I sang a terrorist. Yeah. We have the same story. My friends didn't, I don't know if my friends signed me up, but I spent like 90 minutes on the phone with a recruiter because I just didn't know what was, I was like shitting and just walking around my house, talking to this guy. And then my mom got on the phone and started screaming. It was like, it's not coming.

It does feel like there is that thing of like, watch it, tell you, watching band of brothers. But there is something about that where you go, I watch that, I watch even full metal jacket. You're supposed to get this feeling of like, war is hell, this is all thing. I watched that, I'm like, man, what camaraderie? That looks good. That looks good. Because you didn't play'm like, man, what camaraderie? That looks great.

That looks great. Because you didn't play sports. If you played team sports, you would have had that. Can I say one thing that might not be great for everyone in the room? Say it through Diana. And my own career. Everyone knows that trick.

LAUGHTER I'm a very bad for a troll of us. Yeah. Leaving out the activities that happened when they landed. Did the paragliders not look fun? Just as a thing. Like was there a moment of fun now? No.

When you're doing, I didn't even know that was a thing. I never even knew that. I don't want to do that to kill people. I want to do it at like sandals resort. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? A couple of wheeze were exclaimed. I'm just saying it looked like I thought it was like a fun.

If you saw that at South by Southwest, it was just like, look at this fun thing. There should be some sort of squirrel suit, red bull helmet. Yeah, I was like, this can't end in the murder because it's just fun. It looked fun, you know? But it's so, but I'm happy that our, I love that our parents were like, our sons will not sacrifice one. That is for us.

For this conversation. When you ever close? No. No, no. No, I remember after 9-11, I felt for a minute like it'd be cool to have a job as like a CIA agent. This is when you don't know anything,

you're like 11th grade. Yeah. It'd be cool to do something that mattered because like you're like fuck, you know, things are real now It'd be cool to do something that mattered because like you're like, fuck, you know, things are real now. And I want to do something that matters like being a military or work for like a top secret, you know, and then that wears off within months. Yeah.

I have my roommate in college was doing like ROTC and signing up and he was like six foot five. He looked like a GI Joe and he was excited beyond belief about going over to Afghanistan. Like he was, well, there's a lot of guys that joined for patriotic reasons. They go, we want to help and we want to like actually like, you know, we don't want this shit to happen, right? We need a military as much as we kid around about it. We need people to go over there and fuck shit up when people threaten us 1,000 percent. You just need to put them in winnable situations. We need people to go over there and fuck shit up when people threaten us, 1,000%.

We just need to put them in winnable situations. He would often talk about the excitement of killing, like looking forward to killing people. Yeah, I think that's sure. I'm sure. Watching the breath. I mean, he's so, he's so, he's so, that. So what he described it was, you know,

with very specific, the wound. Very specific slur, but yeah, I mean, he was, he was adamant. But it was, it was, it was out, a very specific slur, but yeah, I mean, he was, he was adamant, but it was, it was, it was out of patriotism. It was. Yeah, and that's nice. Yeah. You need some, you need, you know, you know, people, when I was driving in a tunnel,

and because always, by the way, I was about to be married to a big Egyptian and it was about to be a Muslim in the British Royal family. So MR6 and the Mossad had me killed in the tunnel and they said that the press did it, which never made any sense to anybody. They said that the press, the people with cameras caused my limousine to crash and that it's not true. And now my son has married a black girl. All right, you know, this is not right in the cup. This is not what we want. This is not what we want. Um, there's a fun episode. Do we, do we think this stays on you?

Do you think that? Do you think this will stay on YouTube? I think it'll get all the gates. It'll get, you know, HGAT and we'll get ads who to be able to read it, everything. Yeah, it'll get blocked. But maybe for a couple, it'll be good. But that means it's good. It was a good run.

Yeah. Yeah. That means it's good. All right, I'll be back solo next week, but I really like these guys. I think we would go and we would go and have a lot of fun. And I think we've done that. Yeah.

At a good time. I think we've done that. I, you know, and that's what we can do. Your new special tell people where to go to new comedy special YouTube.com slash Mike Fini comedy. It's Mike Fini and night at the comedy seller. I directed it and edited it out on October 27th. Please go watch it.

I can't live dates coming up live dates. Also on the co-host of Chrissy chaos with Chris to step. Chris to step now. That's that's going to be super fun. In November, I'm going to be in Levitown, Long Island, governor's, governor's baby. When is that? November 3rd and 4th. Are you in town? I'm in Rochester, November 3rd, but November 4th, I may just pull up to hang out. Come hang. Yeah. For sure. That'll be good time. And then I'm being DC in December, December 8th and 9th. I got some Florida dates as well, but I'm all over good time. And then I'm being DC in December, December eighth and ninth. I got some Florida dates as well. But I'm all over the road. And yeah, my Canon comedy.com for

all that. Tim Dill comedy.com. We're on sale very soon with shows in Boston and DC and all these places. But Rochester, New York, Pittsburgh, Houston, San Diego, Toronto, Austin, Brea, Columbus, Pennsylvania, Washington, Northfield, Ohio, San Antonio Dallas, Atlanta, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Boston, and then Foxwoods. Wheels have dates coming in. London, Dublin, Glasgow, or Edinburgh, and Manchester, maybe.

I don't know. Anyway, and that'll be the end of the tour. So the next two, three months, that's it. We do appreciate it. And thank you, everybody, for listening. And again, we hope this stays available. It will, I think. You're so open.

Yeah. All right, thank you, everyone. Good night. All right, thank you everyone. Good night.