The Tim Dillon Show - Patreon Bonus #186

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Starting point is 00:00:38 And the best part is how easy it is to use the ExpressVPN app. I just tap one button on my phone or computer to turn it on, and that's all it takes to keep people out of my business. If you don't like Big Tech tracking you and selling your personal data for profit, it's time to fight back. Visit expressvpn.com slash timdillon right now to get three months of ExpressVPN for free. That's expressvpn.com slash timdillon. Expressvpn.com slash timdillon. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Patreon episode. I was watching the Grammy reaction on Twitter to the Sam Smith thing that he did. By the way, Madonna looks exactly get up Bram Stoker's Dracula. Madonna looks exactly like the dude in Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Starting point is 00:01:44 This guy right here, Madonna is just, I think there's a certain amount of work that you can do to the body before the body just starts fighting it and you look demonic. Like something starts happening where the body starts fighting the filler and the shit you put in, and then you end up looking just like a demon. Like there's nothing, like that disturbed me so much more than whatever Sam Smith is doing to get attention. It's, you know, the problem with the right wing people and the maggot people a lot of times is that everything is Satanism. Everything is Satan. And listen, Sam Smith is like this very talented guy who started his career doing, he was thin and he was singing like really good songs. That only works for a little while. You can't keep people excited

Starting point is 00:02:45 about that. Then he came out as gay and people were like, I don't really care about that. Then he came out as non-binary and they went a little better. Then he got fat and they're like, all right, we're listening. Now he's Satan. And they're like, ah, now we get, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's an exercise. And by the way, does this guy, when you think of, first of all, you really start to realize this doesn't work. Hollywood does not work if people are gross. It doesn't work if people are ugly. It does not work. The problem with Sam Smith, the most defensive thing is that he's trying to do all this stuff. He looks like a plumber. Like Sam Smith looks like a guy that would fucking show up to fix the HVAC in your house and he's got devil horns and he's in like a fucking,

Starting point is 00:03:38 you know, a red onesie and he's jumping around. If you're going to sell this androgynous shit, you got to have a David Bowie charisma. You have to have a little magic about you. Harry Styles gets near that, but it's not Bowie. Like Harry Styles is kind of like the knockoff Bowie. But Sam Smith, I mean, looks like my uncle at a fucking Halloween party. Like it's, and everyone's like, it's satanic. It's Satan. This is like plastic devil horns on a hat. He looks like like the fat guy at a Halloween party who's had too much to drink and he's jumping around with these people. I just, I can't, the rage that the right wing constantly has about like everybody say, every year someone does something to evoke like the idea of the devil. This is not new. Nicki Minaj did it.

Starting point is 00:04:39 I'm sure Gaga's done something like everybody does it. And every time they do it, people go, they're taking our kids with no children are watching the Grammys. Nobody's watching the Grammys except maybe these right wing Christian people to get angry. But this is like, this is the same energy that when your mom was like, you can't go to the hot topic in the mall because like the girl who works, there's a Satanist. It's like, no, she's a fat chick with a dog collar. That's what she is. It's not, there's nothing past it other than that. Like it's like, I don't know what Sam Smith believes in. I don't think he believes in anything probably except attention, which he gets. This is all about attention. And the quickest way to get attention is not to make good music,

Starting point is 00:05:37 which that song is good at the body. It's a catchy song. And, you know, people in the right wing, they can't do that. They get mad that the people that disagree with them make kind of good shit. You know, they could have tried, you know, got the Pfizer shot. Now he's dead in the hallway. Like they, but their rage at this stuff is just like, this is not, this is just an, it's kind of embarrassing. Like it just shows you that Hollywood is an image business. That's all it's ever been. It's been hot people. Some of them are talented. Some of them are not, but usually they've been relatively attractive. And what bothers people, like he's got this new music video where he's like jumping around and he's got pasties on his nipples. And again, people are

Starting point is 00:06:34 nowhere near as offended by this. If it's not, if it, he doesn't look like the Michelin man. That's why it's confusing to people. People don't understand. They go, if you're going to do Satan shit, shouldn't it at least be sexy? There's no tolerance for like a fat androgynous Satanist in this country. There's just none. There's none. You're asking people to accept too many things at once. You know, these people are just trying to be fucking edgy. They're trying to get attention. You know, people are like, well, my kids are watching. It's like, well, then why are they, why are they watching it? Tell them not to watch it. It also looks cartoonish. Like it doesn't look like like a Catholic mass. He seems more satanic than this, you know, with chanting and

Starting point is 00:07:27 incense and fucking hush tones and the Gregorian shit. Like this seems again, like chubby chicks at the hot topic are now the biggest stars in the country. That's the problem. The people, I mean, this is what someone would wear at a mall to get a tent. Like usually like one or two people dress like this in an award show. Be like one or two people came in looking like, like look insane to make their point. Now it's like every person is dressed like they got out of a Halloween store. And it's, it's, it's great. And I get it. I get if you're in middle America, go, what the fuck is this? What is this? I understand that. It's just the rage about like the Satanists are coming for our kids. It's like these people are fat chicks from the hot topic with dog collars on. We just

Starting point is 00:08:24 made them faint. Like that's the aesthetic now that famous Sam Smith started as like a normal guy singing, but he's like, if I want real attention, I have to become a fat chick from the hot topic with a dog collar on because everyone's going to say it's beautiful and brave and everybody's going to love me. And I'm making these statements for body positivity and whatever else. And you know, it's confusing to people. It's confusing. People have to understand why you're a star. They have to get it. They have to look at you and go, that person is better than me. They have to feel that in their bones. They have to look at somebody. You look at Beyonce, you go, Beyonce is better than me. She's more attractive than me. She's a better singer than me.

Starting point is 00:09:14 Um, and when they see Sam Smith, he obviously is a great singer and the music is catchy, but this appearance where it's constantly just like, he looks like the, the newest video. He, I mean, he looks like such a fucking mess with the, to get the video up where he's got pasties on his tits. And I don't even know what he's wearing. I mean, it looks, he looks like he's in like a hospital gown. People are, people are so offended by it. It's, it's insane looking. I don't even think that people are like, people just don't even understand what's happening. It's, you know, it's not even that people are homophobic or transphobic. They're confused. Everybody doesn't understand why a guy who looks like a plumber is wearing like some Elizabethan

Starting point is 00:10:13 fucking like, I don't even know. Like he's wearing a half of like a Victorian era house dress with pasties on his tits. He's got to create, it's just too much for people. It's too much. It's like, I don't even know what to say anymore about any of this. Like I, I, I, I'm kind of tapping out. Like I, the culture is no longer interesting to talk about really. It's not, maybe we'll end the show. Like, I mean, to be honest, it's like at a certain point, the culture is just rotted to the point where like on every side of everything, there's nothing, there's no take to have here. This is what it is. Shut it off. If you don't like it, don't watch it. This is what it's going to be. You know what you're going to, what are you going to change any of this? They, they want

Starting point is 00:11:03 fat, got plumbers and would paste these on their tits to jump around. No one's hot anymore. No one's good looking. The more disgusting you are, the better it is. This is what they want. So, you know, and then the other side thinks everyone's trying to fuck their kids and no one really is trying to fuck their kids. Sam Smith is probably not trying to fuck your children. He's just trying to make more money from this nightmare that we're in and he's doing a good job of it. But like there's not much, there's not much to gain here from like constantly having this fight. Let them have this. There is no one culture. There is no one thing. Your kids don't have to watch this. They don't have to see it. You can keep them from it. If you can't keep them from it, you're a bad

Starting point is 00:11:57 parent. If you can't keep your kids from seeing Sam Smith and you know what, listen, if your kids see this and they start dressing like this, well then, you know, then you've not done a great job, I guess. Or if they start dressing like this and start making millions, well then fuck it. That's good. That's great. Maybe this is how they have to compete in the new world. Like there's really not anything about this that is interesting at all. None of this is interesting. Like the fact that people care at all about the Grammys and it bothers them that people jump around and devil caught. Like just stop. Who kid? Like there's nothing about this that has any meaning. It's meaningless. And people keep trying to give it meaning. They're invoking Satan. Satan doesn't

Starting point is 00:12:50 want to be involved in this. It's like, it's just, it's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for the country. I don't know why people come here. Truly. I think maybe less. I understand if you're like Mexican and you live whatever, you're out running the cartels, like life's horrible and all these other places. This country is an abomination. It's an embarrassment and an abomination. And I don't know what's left to even do, really. I mean, like move. If you can leave America, leave America. There's better places to live. Like the UK is a better run country in every respect. It's, I talked to Shane Gillis about it. We were like, yeah, it's kind of embarrassing when you go over there and you're like, raw raw America. Then you get there and you're like, oh yeah, you

Starting point is 00:13:38 guys, I mean, it's gray and it rains, but it's a better country, a better country. The way it's set up for people, for most people to live, not if you're a multimillionaire, not if you're fucking rich, but you're not for the most part. So it's just like, yeah, I mean, is this, we don't have, you know, we don't have any, like, there's, we don't have a purpose. We don't have a reason to exist. Are you ready for the biggest Sunday in sports? Draft King Sports Book, an official sports betting partner of Super Bowl 57, has all the Super Bowl action you need. New customers can bet just $5 and get 200 and free bets instantly. Plus, all customers can get in on the Super Bowl 57 excitement with Draft King's happy hour super boosts. Check the Draft King

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Starting point is 00:15:20 and win. Hello, everybody. Let's talk about athletic greens. This is the best supplement you can take. I've taken it. It keeps everybody healthy. It's great for your gut. It's easy to fit into your lifestyle. You can take this one thing instead of a bunch of different things. It was designed with ease in mind so you can live healthier and better without having to do a lot. I'm always looking for life hacks and, you know, I mean, athletic greens is like number one. It's an all in one formula that makes it easy for me to cover my nutritional bases every single day. Every scoop is packed with 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole food source ingredients of the highest quality that gives me major benefits like mood support, boosted energy, a healthier gut,

Starting point is 00:16:16 healthier looking skin, hair, and nails. If you're looking for an easier way to take supplements, athletic greens is giving away a free one-year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. Go to athleticgreens.com slash Tim Dillon. That's athleticgreens.com slash Tim Dillon and check it out. There's no reason that we all exist here except to do drugs and get fat and fucking blame each other for this nightmare that we've all created. Leave. I mean, just get out. That's the message of my new comedy is about telling people to get out of here. Just leave. I heard so many stories from behind the scenes of the Grammys. People are fighting each other. People didn't want to show up. People were angry. It's like, you know, just let them have,

Starting point is 00:17:09 this is what they want. They've earned this. Let them worship Satan. That's the other thing. Who cares if they worship Satan? It's not your business that they worship Satan and they're not worshiping Satan. That's the other thing. It's like, people don't even understand what Satanism is. It's not even about worshiping Satan. The whole religion of Satanism is about ego gratification or whatever. I always thought it was retarded. I have the one, no part of it, but like, then there are legit Luciferian people that believe all these whatever things, but they're just trying to make money, you dumb fuck. That's all they're trying to do. Like they don't, this idea, Satanists probably have principles. These people have no principle. Satanists would look at these people and go,

Starting point is 00:17:51 please stay away from us. Please stay away from us. These people have no principle. They have no principles. There is nothing behind their eyes. I think it's nicer to feel like they're evil. Evil people have principles. They're doing evil. People that have nothing behind their eyes, absolutely nothing. It's like scary. I think that's, that's what really scares people, is how banal and fucking mediocre and, and, and, and corporate and boring this fucking culture is. It is a boring culture where in order to get attention, this slob has to go out and dress like some fucking wizard and jump around with these other idiots. It's like, it's a boy, it's a culture with nothing left. There is nothing left to get attention. There is no

Starting point is 00:18:40 place left to go with this. No place left to go. It's like, they're not, they're wearing like these cartoonish devil horns and these like red top hats. They know exactly who's going to get mad. They know it's going to trend worldwide on Twitter. Everybody knows they did this thing, this demonic thing. I'm the, the song's called unholy. I'm a demon. Look at me. I'm a demon. Well, I'm a demon. Aren't you mad at that? Aren't you mad at that? The people angry at this can't go to the doctor. They have no ability to go to the doctor and get medicine. And the reason that they don't have that ability is because this is what they pay attention to. They're all fighting for this. They're mad at this fat mechanic who is somehow convinced them that he's like this satanic

Starting point is 00:19:33 fucking, you know, it's just boring. It's boring. The whole culture is boring. It's like, there's nothing worth, there's nothing worth it. We should get nuked. I mean, really, if we got nuked, it would make things interesting because at least we could recover from it and talk about it. So I'm asking you, if you are a country out there that has the ability to nuke America, please do it. Just because it will make the art better. It would make the art better if people were walking around here with people from that movie, The Hills Have Eyes. If we had nuclear mutants and we had to deal with that, and that would be more interesting to me than any of this shit. I'm for nuking America. I'm for nuking the United States of America for the sake of art.

Starting point is 00:20:22 Just for the sake of art. I don't have any problem per se with the people, but for the sake of art, please attack us. Please attack us. We need a war. We need wars. Maybe they know. Maybe the ruling class of this country just knows better than we do, and they're like, we need a war here because these people, it's such a meaningless pile of garbage every day, then nothing would be better for this country than a massive invasion by China. And I believe that. Nothing would be better than seeing cities get blown to bits by a foreign invader because we would stop talking about all this shit. It would be. Imagine that if China attacked the Grammy Awards. What a great pivot. What a great pivot from where we are now that the culture has been strained to the point

Starting point is 00:21:16 where the only thing left is really people need something to fight for that has meaning. So we need a war. Culture reset. We need a serious war. We need a serious years-long war, and it needs to be bloody, and people have to die. And that's all that we're ever, that's all that will fix it. I truly believe this. This is a fat, dumb country of disgusting people that needs to be really, it needs to be challenged with a great enemy like China. That's all. That's all I have to say about all this. Because it's boring. We've made the chubby girl at the hot topic famous. We've made the fat girl from the mall famous, and now we're acting like she's the greatest threat to us. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine making the fat girl

Starting point is 00:22:10 with the dog collar from the hot topic famous and saying that's what everyone should be and that's what everyone should look like? I mean, that's where we're at. We've reached where we're way past peak. We're way past anything. It will only get worse. It will only degenerate further unless we have a multi-year war with China and Russia that wipes out half of the population. And I'm not saying it'll be nice. I might die. I'm sure I would. I'm sure a lot of people would die, and I'm not trying to bum anyone out. I'm strictly saying if we do not get nuked, we're in trouble. We are in trouble without a good nuking. A good nuking we need. If there's ever been a country that needs a nuking right now, we need a nuking. We need 10, 9, 11. 9, 11 will not even do it.

Starting point is 00:23:02 We need 9, 11 every day for a year. Every day for a year, another 9, 11 in a major American city. Just to get us back to where we need to be. That's a fact. That's a fact. And the demons that run this place, the real ones, not the ones with thick fucking fake carnival hats on, the real demons that wear suits every day and sit in bunkers, know we need it. They know we need it. That's why they keep going to Russia, going, they know we need it. They know we need it. That's my feeling about the Sam Smith thing, is that culture is degenerated to the point where we are no longer able to produce anything of that, nothing of value culturally is produced in this country anymore. Everything is an embarrassment

Starting point is 00:23:53 to the point where we're really not on this show, I'm going to try to move on and not discuss any of it really, because I don't know what else there is to say. I don't want to be part of the chorus of people discussing this garbage because it's just frankly, I'm embarrassed for this country in a way that I've never been embarrassed about. I'm deeply ashamed to be a part of this in any way, to be a part of this media landscape in any way. Truly, in whatever it's called, to have to talk about this horseshit and to fucking have to have a take on it and talk and go, yeah, well, that's that guy Satan, people mad at him. He's Satan and he's got the trans girl with him who's like often Germany, I grew up in Germany and new boy knew I wasn't. It's all ridiculous,

Starting point is 00:24:36 they're all very wealthy people, they give each other trophies, everybody's on crack, everybody's on major, major drugs at the Grammys, by the way. They're all on major drugs, they have to shoot them up with drugs to get them into the limos, they have to get them out, they have to argue with them to even get them to perform because they're on crack, they're fighting each other in the back, and they were always on drugs, but at least from that came good shit. Now it's like the weakest, most mediocre slime, it's just slime and there's just nowhere to go, there's nowhere to go. So if your kids are offended by this, I'm sorry, kill them because this is where they're growing up. This is where they're growing up, you could try to keep

Starting point is 00:25:22 it, but this is where they're going to grow up in a country where the fat chick from the hot topic is the biggest star. We're going to make the fat girl with the dog collar from the hot topic who cut herself the biggest star in the country, and they're going to do movies about her, and they're going to do pieces about her, and they're going to talk about how brave she is to fucking eat and fucking do drugs and fucking suck eyes off in a parking lot at a hot topic, and that's all we've got left, that's really all we have left. So if any of it offends you, and if you're offended by my suggestion that we need to be nuked, and someone will clip this and try to get me in trouble, I don't give a fuck, it's purely for the purposes of art that I suggest

Starting point is 00:26:05 we be in a major war. That's all. Nobody in Turkey is talking about this, they just had a fucking earthquake. So that's what we need, we need, and hopefully we get it, and if not a nuking a real climate disaster, you know that could be good too, like some real serious climate disasters, and then maybe we could make movies about them, because we're just, we're at the bottom of the barrel here, when this is all you have to do to be edgy, all you have to do to be edgy is do, we're red and jump around and go, I'm the devil, see, look at me, and then everyone's like, there's Satan, Satan is coming, and it's like, will you stop, please? This is a country that like denies operations for two-year-olds on a regular basis, and tells them to fuck off,

Starting point is 00:26:53 and they die, and this fat guy with a fucking carnival hat, a fucking plastic hat is, is because he's evil, now he's evil, the fat guy with the carnival hat, and, and, and every, you know, and all these junkies that jump around, you know, and these are the problems, right? You know, we've, we've got the, I don't know, man, I'm just, I'm just kind of disgusted by all, I need a vacation to be honest, I need a break, I've been talking to microphone for too fucking long, I don't care anymore, I just don't, I don't know how anyone cares about anything anymore, I don't understand, shut it off, people with kids, shut it off, Jesus Christ, stop pretending you care that much about your kids, shut it off, take the, well, my kids on the

Starting point is 00:27:34 internet, get them off the internet, take their phone, they don't need a phone, take the phone, take the phone away, but then they have to parent, see, that's what nobody wants, nobody wants to parent their children, so they go, no, I'm supposed to give them a phone so they can go and fuck off all day while I get drunk and not parent them, and I'm, I'm just, I want everything on that phone to line up with my values, take the phone, get them off and parent them. If it's that fucking hard, don't have kids, how about that? Don't demand that the junkie drug addict slime that runs rampant in this universe is gonna have all of the same values as you. What are you nuts? How dumb are you people? Well, I just, I hope the Grammy awards have the values that are good

Starting point is 00:28:27 for my children. What? Are you on crack? All right, what else? There's gotta be, go somewhere, I'm sick of this, I'm sick of this country, I hope it gets bombed, I hope it gets bombed, I hope it gets bombed to the brink of extinction, and then, and then it would be, what is this, Disney backs reparations. Okay, good, and again, who cares? Like, this is like, what a nightmare. Do you have a cartoon that says white people suck? Stop, okay, I don't, you know, this is the new thing Disney does where they've gone super well, it's like, okay, you know, watch another cartoon. Watch another cartoon that doesn't do that. Is there no other cartoon where black people don't lecture white people if that's your problem? If you have a

Starting point is 00:29:20 problem with your kids getting lectured to by black cartoon characters, don't watch it. How about that? Don't watch it. It's like, it's just a mill of nonsense that people have to be like, my kids are getting told they're demons and what, then don't, then don't let, why are you watching it? Isn't Disney the fucking thing you all hate anyway? Woke Disney sparks outrage with new kids' cartoon that claims America was built on slavery as it pushes reparations and says Lincoln had no desire to liberate things that your kids don't know who Lincoln is. Your kids do not know who Lincoln is. It's called the proud family. Louder and prouder has sparked outrage by showing the characters discovering that their town was built by slaves and that giving a presentation of their

Starting point is 00:30:12 school. In California, a reparations board's insisting that every long-term black resident gets five million in reparations. Okay, that won't happen. A board, a board, a board, a board said it, a board said it, so now let's fight about it. Let's have 30 million articles about the five million dollars that nobody's going to get from California. Okay, I just don't have like, I don't have this fight in me anymore. This country is becoming just truly miserable people trying to make everybody's life worse. The investment in an overall misery in this country and the internet has just become a factory of misery. That's what it is. It's just a factory of people who want to be angry all the time at everything on all sides and people who

Starting point is 00:31:09 refuse to create a moral universe for them and their family and then fucking depend on Disney to do it. Like they depend on Disney to raise their kids. So when Disney does things they don't like, they go, well, fuck that. Yeah, I don't know. Make your own movies. How about that? Make your own films. Make your own films that talk about the American history you want to teach your kids. Do a film where your kids don't have to watch Disney movies that have a budget of a hundred million dollars. You can, you know what my godson watches? Fucking animal videos. They're just videos of animals walking around yards. He's fine with that. He doesn't need to watch Avatar. He can watch, just put on Animal Planet. Have they gone woke? Has the platypus is lecturing you

Starting point is 00:32:04 about trans rights? Just watch Animal Planet. Are people not claiming Animal Planet's woke? No, I was just double checking on the internet. I want to make sure. But this is really like, it's gotten to a point now where everybody goes, I'm mad. There's nothing for my kids to watch. Well, read them a book. Hey, I got an idea. Read them a fucking book. How about that? Put your pills down and read them a book, but you don't want to do that because you want to watch Tucker Carlson or you want to watch that. So you want to sit your kids in front of the television. This is the problem now. We've just wanted to sit people in front of a television or a computer and not do anything and then have these corporations raise them. Well, that doesn't work. And you're

Starting point is 00:32:54 seeing why it doesn't work because kids shouldn't be told when they're young that they're oppressors and that they've done the wrong thing or that there's 95 genders. Like it's not good for kids to learn all that. But instead of trying to fight Disney World, how about you just read your kid of fucking the Chronicles of Narnia and put them to bed? Well, they go over their friends' houses and it's on their friends' TV. Well, then don't let them do that. But then, well, then fine. They don't have friends. Get them guns. They don't need friends if they have guns. I'm just sick. I'm really just sick of this idea that you're depending on these corporations to raise your fucking children. And when they do something, you don't like these corporations only want to make fucking money.

Starting point is 00:33:41 They don't care about your kids. They don't care about family values. They never have newsflash. They never have. It's never been what's animated or motivated these people. They just want to make fucking money. So opt out. Opt out of the fucking system. Don't have your kids watching. Read them fucking books. And when they're old enough to make their own decisions, that's fine. Well, it's not as easy as that. You don't have kids. Easy for you to say. Yeah, I know it's not as easy as that. Nothing's easy. Bluetube, baby. What is left to say about Bluetube? Remember the days when you were always ready to go? Don't be that guy that says, I don't need it. You don't know until you try it. You could be

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Starting point is 00:35:58 fast, easy, and affordable it is to whip up a restaurant quality meal right in your own kitchen. I'm telling you, I use it. I love it. They deliver it. Well, I'll make something, and everybody loves it. Go to HelloFresh.com slash TimD65. Use the code TimD65 for 65% off plus free shipping. Go to HelloFresh.com slash TimD65. Use code TimD65 for 65% off plus free shipping. Raising kids ain't easy. It wasn't supposed to be easy. Who told you it was going to be easy? It's not easy. My friends have children and there's enough shit for them to watch. I go over their houses, their kids are watching stuff, and they're not watching this shit. So there's other stuff to watch by the way. There's other things for your children to watch than the reparations cartoon

Starting point is 00:36:54 or Fat Sam Smith and his fucking Satan dance. There's other things for them to watch. We do nothing in this country except make crap that you can watch and you can sit your kids in front of. I think it's just like, it's a little weird to me that nobody wants to take any responsibility for the content that their children consume. They just don't like that that content exists, and then certain parents are going to love it. They're going to sit their kids in front of it, and they're going to go, we're watching your white demon today, and they're going to watch that cartoon. And who knows? We don't know how they'll grow up. We'll see. Let's see. We don't know. We don't have all the information, but it doesn't mean, you know, I just get sick of this talk with these kids. We all care

Starting point is 00:37:37 about the kids. We'll care about these. It's these, it's these magic children that everyone cares about, and then it's like, all you read about is that they will, none of them, like a lot of them don't have food or shit. There's like homeless kids. What about the homeless children? Nobody cares about them. Get them out of here. It's like, what about the homeless kids? What about the kids who don't have TVs or computers? Do we worry at all about them? We're worrying at all about the children who don't have any material things, or we're worrying simply about one Disney cartoon that's a little, you know, uncomfortable for people. And I don't know. I want the country to get nuked. I want a nuclear war bad. I want to, I mean, maybe we can make it happen here. I want a nuclear exchange. How exciting

Starting point is 00:38:28 would it be? Think about it. Think about it now, everybody. Go with me on this here. How exciting would it be to hear that Russia just fired, and we've all got eight minutes, and we don't know who's going to get it? How much better would your life be if you knew there were nuclear missiles sailing right now to this country to shake everybody out of there? Wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't that be enjoyable? Anyway. It'd be a wild eight minutes. Would it? I don't think it would. I don't think it would be a wild eight minutes. I think people would go back to fighting about a cartoon. That's what the people wouldn't know. No, no, no. It would not be a wild eight minutes. It would be people would go, well, this is what happens. And then

Starting point is 00:39:12 the people on the left would be like fucking white man outside. The shelter must be organized by, you know, it's like, it's just boring. It's a boring cut. Leave it. Dude, when you go to Europe, you go to these other countries, it's just, you've seen what a disaster we've created here. Nobody cares about anything in those places. It's, it's lovely. They go to the beach, they drink wine, they eat, like, you know, we're not the only people on earth, by the way. Like there's many other countries that are just fine. They're like fine. And it's like, we think we're the only people that matter. We're a country of schizophrenics. Everyone sees this as a country. We're like a schizophrenic aunt that has a lot of money now. That's like nuts. That like shows up to the party.

Starting point is 00:39:53 We're like a schizophrenic aunt who's on pills and who's fat, and she's got a shitload of money and nobody really knows why. And she claimed she did it all because she's a genius. But you go, some of it, she did some good things, but some of it, you know, she took a lot of her husband's money, whatever. She stole some of that money. And then like everyone else is just kind of drinking wine. And she's the aunt who comes in and she goes, you want to start a business? And all the kids are like, hey, man, it's Christmas. Like we're just relaxing. And she's like, what do you want to be with your girl? And you go, I don't know. We're, we're just running this train set. And she's like, well, do you want to make money like me? You go, I don't know. Maybe I'll find a girlfriend or

Starting point is 00:40:30 something. Well, you got to make a lot of money. That's what we are in the world. We've become like an annoying, disgusting, fat aunt. Isn't she happy in her own mind though? No, no. Do you think this country is happy? This is the least happy place I've been ever, America. Even when people are happy here, they're like, they're, it's mania. They're not just happy. They're like manic. No one's happy in America. They're manic. Like if someone's happy about something like, I got, I got, I got, I got the job. I got the pick up. It's manic. It's not how it's not like happy people. It's like fucking manic psychopaths just running around or people that are so depressed, they're just fucking jumping out of windows. There's no like,

Starting point is 00:41:21 I've just had it today. I've had it radio. My Bentley didn't work. And I had to drive around with no radio. And I was fucking angry because I hate that. I was just reading tweets at every stoplight about this fucking nonsense. And I just, I just got so fucking angry. So it just angers me sometime. And I, I don't want people to think it's negative that I'm suggesting that a nuclear war would help us. I'm just saying we need something. We do. We need something. We need it now. We need it. We need it now, Vladimir. Make it happen. I'm just saying we need, we need something. We need something. This country's rotted. It's rotted to its core. It's an embarrassment. It's rotted. And I love America. And that's why I want it to be better. But it's rotted to its core. It's

Starting point is 00:42:05 like, nobody's good at anything. Nobody can do anything. You know, the best we can do is put this plumber out there in a Satan outfit to jump around and then have people scream and yell that he, like it's infected their children's minds. You know, it's like it's, it's boring. It's bad. It's bad. Everything's bad. Even that new Beyonce album, it's okay. It's good, but it's not amazing. I know her fans will get upset about that probably, but it's not amazing. She's good. She's great. She's phenomenal. But the new album's fine. You know, and it's just like, it's just fine. It's all fine. And the investment in it being good. Let's just, let's just, let's just stop trying to make it good. Let's just don't get upset that it's not good. Don't get upset that it's not

Starting point is 00:42:50 good. Be happy. Be happy you have kids. Be happy with your family. Read them books, man. Read the fucking kids books. These fucking arguments we're all getting in. They're all stupid. I just need to leave this country for a month. It's so amazing when you leave this country. You've been out of the country with me one time and you've also been out of the car. It's like, it's just getting to a point now where it's like, it's just the insanity of everything has got. It's no longer funny. It's no longer fun to talk about. It's kind of like boring and I don't know. It's just you, I read the news all the time. I've been talking about the news for seven fucking years and nothing changed, nothing, nothing changes. I'm telling you, nothing fucking changed. My

Starting point is 00:43:38 father said to me once, he went, yeah, nothing changes since the 60s. He goes, nothing really. He goes like the internet and stuff's different. But he's like, the shit people fight about the same shit. My father's checked out. He's checked. I no longer pays attention to anything. He pets his dogs, he'll play golf. He doesn't care. That's the only way to get by. It's the only way to get by is to truly check out, not care. Don't spy balloon. Don't read the article. Don't read the article. Yeah, spy balloons are everywhere. Who cares when they catch you jerking off? Like, whatever. Just ignore, I mean, you get to a point with all this shit where it's just like, we need to de-taught. We should delete Twitter. Twitter should be deleted. They should delete

Starting point is 00:44:14 all this shit. And people need to go back outside. And people need to, because at the end of the day, it's just, this has become a nightmare. Every day, it's a nightmare when you go on the internet. It's just like, it's like, it's all a factory of horrors. And it's, you know, I don't even know anymore. I don't know. Go, is there, is there something about a terminal illness or something that's happening? Somebody who can get out of this country? Something that's, that's good? Is there, can we help Turkey? What about, by the way, you know what I'm a huge fan of now? Oregon is just killing everyone. I love this. Oregon is letting people come to their state and die. And by the way, how cool is that? They're just letting people who are fed up with reading

Starting point is 00:44:57 about the spy balloon kill themselves in Oregon. And Oregon's a great place to die. Not a great place to live. Too much to overcast. But it's a great place to die. Oregon becomes America's first death tourism destination with one doctor death offering terminally ill people from out of state a deadly cocktail of drugs at his assistant suicide clinic. By the way, I don't even think you should have to be terminally ill to go to Oregon to get killed. I think you should be able to just write a little essay and go, I've had enough of the spy balloon and, and, and the fucking fat guy with the devil horns. I don't, I, and I can't, I cannot afford to move. So I just want to leave. Um, I don't know. Are they trying to make this bad? I mean, I was a little with the

Starting point is 00:45:42 Canada thing. That was a little much, right? Where they were just killing, they were letting teenagers kill themselves. That seems a little much. But like, if you have a bad day in Canada, you can literally just write a note and say, I want out and they'll, they'll put you out. But, um, yeah, I mean, they, who care? Like, I don't understand why people care that other people are ending their lives with terminal like this is the most insane. This country is so insane. It's like someone's suffering horribly and somebody else is like, you better not die. You better stay here. Why are you going to give them any money? No. I mean, I just, I don't know, man. I just can't. I need, I truly need a vacation. I really need to not think about any of this for, for a

Starting point is 00:46:30 while. I'm sick of talking about it. I'm sick of everything. I want to leave and go to like another country somewhere like Florida, where you can just go and sit on a beach. And that's the beauty of I love Florida. Everyone's talking about how bad Florida is and how intolerant they are. And they're burning the books. No one reads the books. So no one's going to notice. Number one, number two, all you have left is nature. Just sit on the beach and just get drunk, relapse. If you are sober now, go and smoke crack. I mean, truly. And I mean, I'm not, I'm not advocating that, but I'm telling you, if you feel like it's the right time to start shooting heroin, this is the right time now. I mean, this is like, I've been sober for 12 years.

Starting point is 00:47:12 Every day I wake up and I go, should I start smoking crack like rock cocaine? You know, that'd be a great way to just end my career to just go out big, like just become a crack addict and just run around doing things that crack addicts do. You know, I mean, it seems like it seems fun. I don't want people to feel like I'm being too negative, but that's just the way I feel. I'm sick of, I'm sick of commenting on any of this shit. And it's gotten to a point where the news is killing everyone. I feel like I'm a part of that. I don't want to be a part of it. It's destroying life on earth. And that's where we're at. And the happiest people I know, barely pay attention to any of this shit, like the happy, but I can't because it's like my job.

Starting point is 00:48:04 So I have to go, Jennifer Lopez snaps at husband, Ben Affleck at the Grammy Awards before recovering after realizing a moment was caught off camera. I hope they kill each other. I hope Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck kill each other in a suicide pact. And they blow each other's brains out. I hope they kill each other. I mean, wouldn't that be good for just a couple like that to kill each other? People have to realize that money and fame aren't great. And the best way for them to realize that would be for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez to shoot each other in the face in a Beverly Hills restaurant. Like in a, in a, in the middle of dinner, they should just get up and they should make a suicide pact like

Starting point is 00:48:49 that family did I talked about last week. And they should do it publicly in a restaurant where they stand up and freak people out a little bit too. Like sing a song, sing like an old sea shanty that nobody's even hurt, you know, like 99 bottles of beer on the wall and then just put the guns through each other's heads and blow it. And, and things like that. I think we need kind of stuff like that to start happening where it's like Kanye becoming a Nazi was a help. That was good. Like things like that, I think more moving is in the right direction. But, you know, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck having a suicide pack and shooting each other in the head in a crowded Beverly Hills restaurant after singing like a song. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you.

Starting point is 00:49:35 And then everyone would be clapping, you know, because they'd be like, oh, they're famous and they're singing. And then they just go, boom, and they blow each other's heads off. And that would be great. See, I'll talk about stuff like that. That's what I want to talk. I want to talk about real news. I want to talk about real fun stuff where people are like, well, I was fucking, dude, I was three tables away. I was eating calamari and Jennifer Lopez's brain matter hit my fit. Why did they shoot each other? I don't understand. They seemed like they had it all. They seemed like they were so happy. Why would they make a suicide pack? Why would they shoot each other in a crowded restaurant? It's crazy. I don't know. Maybe we're all living wrong.

Starting point is 00:50:13 Maybe. Maybe we all have the wrong values. We need stuff like that to happen so that people can go, oh, yeah, maybe, uh, maybe it's not that good at the top. I don't know. But you know, I hope that Sam Smith gets whatever he wants out of this. And I'm sure he will. And I'm sure the people that are angry with him are going to get out. It's just, it's just something to do for the day. Just something to do for the day. Let's yell about the fat girl with the dog collar from Hot Topic, who's now a star. We'll scream, we'll yell, they shite, and they're going, they'll get mad. And they're not altogether incorrect. They just have it within their power to not let their kids watch garbage. You don't have to let your children watch shit.

Starting point is 00:51:08 And I know that that's unpopular because it requires a lot more effort on the part of the parents. But at the end of the day, you know, this is your fucking job is to make sure your kids admit some of your kids are going to like it because they're fat Satanists. Some of your kids are fat Satanists and you don't even know it. And you can't stop them from being fat trans Satanists. That's it. You're going to have to accept it. You're going to have to accept that some of your children are fat trans Satanists. And you can choose whether to love them or not. You don't have to love them. A lot of people don't love their kids. But some of your children, you're looking at them right now. And some of you know, you know in your heart, you're looking

Starting point is 00:51:53 at a child, and they may be three, but you're going, I have a funny feeling that they are a fat trans Satanist. That's the only thing that'll make them happy. And you just have to you have to deal with that. You have to deal with the fact that you're not going to be able to control your children's lives completely. I think that's another thing that people are like, well, we're going to have to make sure like your life is not at all like the life your kid is going to have the amount of information they're going to have is it's changed the game the amount of information that's going to be bullshit. Not true. They're going to have to weed through it on their own. They're going to have to figure out what to believe in and why they're going to have to

Starting point is 00:52:33 create a life for themselves. You're not going to be able to help them do that that much. You're going to be you can't shelter them from everything. And some of them are fat trans Satanists truly. And that's the only way they're going to be happy. And you're going to have to be okay with that. And you're going to have to say to your friend, Bob, who goes, how's Ashley? How's Ashley doing? Bob, she's doing great. She's a fat trans Satanist. And we love her. Oh, well, that's good. She was always a special girl. She's not a girl, Bob. They are not a girl. They are a fat trans Satanist. They believe in the dark Lord. They believe in eating carbohydrates. And and and they believe that they were born in the wrong body. And that's it. You know, it's easy to love your kids if

Starting point is 00:53:29 they're exactly like you. It's hard to maybe love them. If they're morbidly obese. Trans Satanists. But many of them will that's going to be probably by the time you eat the people that have kids now that are like 10 by the time those kids are 18, everybody will be a fat trans Satanist. The people that aren't will be freaks. They will be ostracized from society in ways you cannot imagine. They will be it'll be like Jim Crow laws for people that are not fat, trans. You should make your children into fat trans Satanists. If you are a good parent, you should have every every night you go to your kid, you go, listen, you eat as much ice cream as you want. And you be any gender you want. And we're going to worship

Starting point is 00:54:32 Satan in this house. Because I want you to have the tools to succeed. I want you to have the tools to succeed. I work hard every day to put food on this table so that you can be fat. I work hard every day so that you can pick a gender. And I work hard every day so that you can live your life according to the laws of the dark Lord Lucifer, Satan, who was your real father. So, I mean, that's that's the thing. It's not even shocking anymore. I'm not shocked. I'm so not shocked by anything anymore. If I walked into a Starbucks and somebody was standing behind the counter, and they had like devil horns implanted in their head, and they were 900 pounds, and they were wearing a cape, I would just say, can I have a double tall, non fat latte so I can sit in this

Starting point is 00:55:28 fucking dump and read about the Chinese balloon that spies on us all. And that person would nod with their horns, and then they would go and they would make the drink. And then they would go, Tim, and I'd go, yes, I go, thanks so much. And they would smile, because it's fun to be a fat, trans, Satanist. And that's what it is. And if Republicans are smart, they will run a fat, trans, Satanist who believes in capitalism. And you will have someone come out this 400 pounds with devil horns, who's trans and has pasties on their nips, and get out and start talking about the importance of low corporate taxes and the police. You're not going to win here. No one's going to win. Everyone will be a fat, trans, Satan. There's nothing you can do about it.

Starting point is 00:56:24 You can get on board now, or you might not want to get on board, but that's okay, because it looks fun. And you're not pitching anything that looks fun. That's the problem. Being immorbitately obese, trans, Satanist seems to be the only way to have any fun in this country anymore. So that's it. We're creating a culture where the top of the food chain will be the fat girl who wears a dog collar at Hot Topic at the mall, who's putting onion rings in her ass. That's the king now. That's the top of the charts. So you can get on board or not, or you, or, or you could read your children the Chronicles of Nornia. How about that? It's a good book. It's by Aslan, the Lion, the Witch, the Wardrobe. You could read them the book, and here's what I think will happen. Here's

Starting point is 00:57:21 what I think will happen. I think you'll start to read the kid the book. I think you'll get a chapter in, and then you'll go, you know what? Just be a fat, trans, Satanist. I can't. There's how many books in the series? Six? There's six books? Just be a fat, trans, Satanist. I don't have the time. I want to go out. I want to have a couple of pops. I don't, I don't have the time. Just, just what, what are you going to be 300 pounds and worship Satan in the living room? Great. I don't have to read to you. Perfect. Perfect. That's perfect. That's fine. You'll start out. You'll, you'll get like nine pages in. You'll see that they're not paying attention because they don't have the ability to pay attention anymore. And you'll just go, oh, well,

Starting point is 00:58:04 I guess the writing's on the wall. And you'll start playing that unholy song. Unholy at the Body Shop. And then all your fat kids, you come in every night and all the feel, all your fat, trans kids are just singing at the Body Shop. And we're worshiping Satan. And you go, yes, this is my fan, and love them. Love them. That's your family. Love them. They'll sit in chairs. They break the chair. The chair will fall down. You go, we're going to get another chair for you. You're going to be as big as you want to be because it's beautiful. And that's what, that's what I really think we have to do because otherwise I'm just getting, I'm getting a, I'm getting tired of it. I'm getting tired of all the fighting. So either, either read the kids the books or just let them,

Starting point is 00:58:46 what's the worst that's going to happen? They only live with you for 18 years. They live with you for 18 years. Then you can deny knowing them. You can say, I don't really know them. You know, you just be like, tell me they died. You're like, they died. It's sad. It was leukemia. Really? It's leukemia because we see them on social media. I think they're a fat trans satanist. Oh, well, yeah. Well, yeah, we tried to avoid that. What'd you do? We read a chapter of the line, the witch and the wardrobe, but you know, I don't like reading myself. So I, I, we got to a point where we just had to kind of throw the towel and, you know, they're happy. Let them be goblins, you know, but what would help this probably up to, to be

Starting point is 00:59:31 honest, what would help this is a little bit of a war to get everyone to shape everybody out. It's not where it's hard. I have a trainer. It's hard. It's very hard if you count calories. We need a war. We need a fucking war. And I didn't, you know, in the beginning when I'm like, we need to be nuked. Everybody's got, people get so mad at that, but that's okay. But what, what I mean is that coming out, you know, like just, like just imagine the politicians speaking, the great speeches, like we, we were nuked. We were nuked, but, but we're going to build back better and stronger and we nuked them. Of course we're going to nuk them. We all nuked each other, but, but there's a few areas of the country that are livable

Starting point is 01:00:17 and we're all going to try to figure that out. And we've lost about maybe 80 million people. And that's sad, but we cut some dead weight here. We cut some dead weight. A lot of fat trans satanists were taken out with that nuke and the people mad at them. Ironically, both groups were gone. And, hey, you know, it's just one of those things where we're back now. There's a few regions of the country that are back. And I just hope that I hope everyone's okay. And, you know, we're just, let's, let's have a moment of silence for, I mean, I just think it would be a good reset. That's all. And again, I'm not, I'm not calling for it. I'm just saying as, as an observer, I don't see how we get out of this without

Starting point is 01:01:05 some like alien invasion. Something has to happen here. Something has to happen, because this is like a fucking, we're in an, we're in an, we're in an unending nightmare this country. It's an unending nightmare of like just, you know, insane people. And there's so much money in it. That's the other thing. There's so much money in being nuts. There's just so much money and being crazy. That's the real prize. It's like if I gave my mother a lot of money to be a skit, so like I'm like, yeah, give her more money. Like if that was a business, that's where we're at now where it's like the craziest people are making oodles of money, pumping bullshit, crazy, insane shit. So read to the kids, come see me live. I have a great,

Starting point is 01:01:58 I mean, if this hour, just kind of wet your whistle, I have a really good Valentine's Day message for the couples. So I mean, if you come see me live, it's mainly about dating. So this is just what I do on here. But to be honest with you, I'm, I'm dating. It's about dating, body shop. She took the Pfizer shot. Now she had her stroke. Raleigh, North Carolina, I'm going to be there soon. I'm going to be there in a few days. The Improv, Tucson, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, Monterey, California, Vancouver, Canada, Napa, California, Palm Beach, Palm Beach, Palm Beach, Inglewood, Huntington, New Brunswick, Huntington, New York, TimDillonComedy.com for all of the great things. I hope this wasn't too negative. I, some people will probably enjoy

Starting point is 01:02:53 this. Some people won't. But that's okay. Because we're living hell. And I don't know what to do, except telling you, like, read your kid, like, tales of the fourth grade, nothing, lion, witch in the wardrobe, like, there's great literature out there, Dickens. Read your kids, Dickens. Imagine, imagine if everyone that was mad at Sam Smith had to read their kid, Charles Dickens. Wouldn't that be great? The change starts with you. Really, the change starts with you. So it's ultimately a message of hope. It's ultimately a message of hope. There are so many things in this episode where you could clip and end my career. From different angles. Like, there's so many things you could just clip. Me longing for the country to get nuked. Me saying that everyone

Starting point is 01:03:45 is going to be a fat trans satanist. Out of context, this seems really bad. In context, it's a beautiful love letter to a bright future. If we have the, if we're lucky enough to get nuked. If we're lucky enough to be attacked by a nuclear power, I believe the future is bright. Absent that, I don't know. I don't know. Truly, I don't know. And I believe this is probably the way that like really rich guys are talking in like places, you know, like these cab, these mountain cabin retreats they all go to. I think there's probably some of them smoking a cigar going, we need something here. You know, we need a little something to happen. You know, 9-Eleven's worn off in their memory. Hasn't it, Bob? Oh, they've forgotten about that.

Starting point is 01:04:37 They don't even watch the memorial anymore. I know, I know. And what are they doing? Everyone's fat and they're all satanists now. We're supposed to be satanists and we've always been thin. Everyone on the Yale rowing team, we were all satanists and we're all thin. We're in great shape. Now fat people are satanists and they're trans. I don't even know what that is. Oh, you know what it is, Bob. Remember when we went to Latin America? Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it now. I get it now. We had that time in Brazil. Anyway, timdilloncomedy.com everybody and let's see if we've done the hour. Oh, we're in hour 34. It flies by. It flies by when you love what you do. It flies by when you love what you do. And nobody loves what they do more than me. So when

Starting point is 01:05:26 you love what you do, you know, you don't work a day in your life. And all right. Well, goodnight, everybody. Read to the kids.

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