The Unbelievable Truth - 04x03 Teeth, Underpants, The Vikings, Birmingham

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

04x03 19 October 2009 Tony Hawks, Arthur Smith, Phill Jupitus, Graeme Garden Teeth, Underpants, The Vikings, Birmingham

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game with a lot of lies and a little bit of truth, which today is coming to you from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. This is a show that celebrates the unusual and the quirky. In fact, we were hoping to have with us in our studio audience tonight Scotland's oldest man. Sadly, he died last week, aged 69. Often things that we thought might be true turn out not to be. For example, there's actually no truth in the rumour

that the last entry in Anne Frank's diary reads, today is my birthday, Dad bought me a drum kit. Concealing their whoppers in a stream of cast-iron facts, we have four comedians from around the world whose very countries feature in the punchlines of many jokes. From Australia, Adam Hills. From America, Reginald D. Hunter. From Iran, Shafi Korsandi.

And from Wales, Rod Gilbert. These are the rules. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, skilfully concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth

or lose points if they mistake a truth for a lie. We'll start with Rod Gilbert. Rod was born in Carmarthenshire, which has the highest number of Welsh language speakers of any region in Wales. Seven. Rod, your subject is milk, defined by my dictionary as an opaque white liquid produced by the mammary glands of mammals.

Off you go, Rod. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Before I do, can I correct you on the Welsh thing? Is it more than seven people in Carmarthenshire? Carnarvon is 80% Welsh-speaking. Oh, right. Yeah. OK.

Yeah. We'll definitely keep that bitspeaking. Oh, right. Yeah. OK. Yeah. We'll definitely keep that bit in. It's gold. Yeah. That was the most aggressive OK I've ever heard. Milk. Contrary to the old saying, you cannot lead a horse to milk.

Horses do not like milk. I'm going to say horses do not like milk is the truth. It's not. Oh, wow. All mammals rely on milk as the first thing they eat. When they're born, they suck on it. To be honest, I haven't really thought that through. Every foal who's ever born spends his first few months going,

God, I hate this. I'll go. The hair and the tortoise might be evenly matched on the running track, but when it comes to milk production, tortoises express 1,000 times more milk per minute than hares. Watching a tortoise express milk is like watching a milky fire hose extinguish a blaze at a cereal factory. Milk comes in all colours of the rainbow and more. For instance, snake milk is green,

yak's milk is blue, hippo's milk is pink, rat's milk is Venetian sunrise although it does dry darker, so buy a tester pot. Chappie? Milk does come in all different colours of the rainbow, if it's Nesquik. I would say that's milk after coloring has been added. In many ways, everything after coloring has been added

comes in whatever color the coloring that's been added is. I refer you back to Rod's okay. Okay, thank you. You should refer her to the loss of a point. You should refer her to the loss of a point. I was just trying to help the show go along. That's all I'm doing. Prince Philip still thinks lactose intolerant means you don't like people who don't have any toes.

Even though his son Charles is lactose intolerant. Adam. I'm going to say yes. I'm going to say Prince Charles is lactose intolerant. No, he's not. Oh. Really? Yeah.

The Queen will not allow full-fat milk in her residences. This despite pleas from Prince Philip, who feels that full-fat milk really gets the best out of Cocoa Pops. Turning the milk, and I quote, even brownier. Reg, you're buzzed. Yeah, yeah, I think I'm going to get out there and I'm going to say the Queen is like full-fat milk in the residence. No, she does. She's fine with it.

Really? It's actually in your paper that she does like full fat milk? She's down with it. It's just, again, I refer you to the sheet. The sheet that only you can see. If I could use a popular phrase, maybe you should refer Reginald to the loss of a point. I'd also like to say, Reg, that if we could all see the sheet, it wouldn't be much of a point. I'd also like to say, Reg, that if we could all see the sheet,

it wouldn't be much of a game. I would not take junk from a man who does not realise that horses might like milk too. The Queen's milkman still delivers milk to Buckingham Palace in bottles with a special monogram on which Prince Philip still tries to play his old LPs. Adam. I disagree with the LPs bit, but I agree with the other bit with special monogram on which Prince Philip still tries to play his old LPs? Adam. I disagree with the LPs bit,

but I agree with the other bit with the monogram. You're absolutely right. Yes. Too easy. Yes, the Queen is quoted as saying that the first time she realised she was Queen was when she saw milk bottles from the Royal Dairy with E2R printed on them. That was the first time she realised she was Queen.

Carry on, Rose. What did you think the crown was for? The crown, the shouting, the death of her father. There were so many other pointers. To be fair, though, the coronation didn't happen while she was asleep. Do you think they didn't tell her about the death of her father but just slipped the milk bottle onto her breakfast tray? That was the way they broke the news to her?

She sort of turned it round, E to R. Daddy! Daddy! The expression skimmed milk was originally coined by Shakespeare in Henry IV, Part I. The play centres on Henry's difficulties in subduing the rebellious milkman, Owen Glyndwr, who was determined to give slimming customers a low-fat milk option.

Milkmen have fathered more celebrities than have all other professions put together. Robert Redford's dad was a milkman. Adam. Sorry, I'm going to say Robert Redford's father was a milkman. You're right, he was. Yeah. Pope Benedict was fathered by a milkman

and mastered the art of standing up in the slow-moving popemobile on his dad's milk float. The commonest ways in which milk flow can be influenced are these. Let off a banger near a Friesian cow and it will stop producing milk immediately until a written apology is received. Burst a paper bag in the ear of a Jersey cow, and milk production will stop for approximately half an hour. It will then continue as normal.

Burst another bag, and the cow will downhead us, and milk production stops permanently. The word nipple comes from the Latin word nipplus, meaning small teat. Larger teats were known by the Romans as jugs. Adam. I'm going to say maybe not so much with the jugs, but the Latin nipplus sounded about right. No.

He set a trap for you, Liam. Do you know, I think Latin would be a lot easier subject if it just went along those lines. would be a lot easier subject if it just went along those lines. The milk of the female skunk comes not from nipples, but from openings on the legs. Milk then runs down her legs and the young way to the bottom and collect it in cups. The female sloth is too lazy to lactate. She has milk delivered on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

And even then, can't be bothered to bring it in sometimes. Thank you, Rod. And, Rod, you managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that hippo's milk is pink. The expression skimmed milk was originally coined by Shakespeare in Henry IV, Part I, in the folio edition of Henry IV, Part 1, which came out in 1623.

And the third truth is that burst a paper bag in the ear of a Jersey cow and milk production will stop for approximately half an hour. The experiment was conducted in Kentucky in 1941 by a sadist. So that means, Rod, you've scored three points. OK, we turn now to Reginald D. Hunter. Your subject, Reg, is Julius Caesar, the Roman general and statesman whose dictatorship was pivotal in Rome's transition from republic to empire. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Reg.

If Gaius Julius Caesar, the Roman military and political leader, had one great ambition in life, it was to be remembered for his achievements in the kitchen. His main aim in life was to create a dish to go down in history with his name attached to it. And specifically, he wanted to be remembered for his work with meat. Soothsayers predicted at his birth that he would be a meat eater as he was born with teeth. Newb that appalled his father. Shappy.

I think it was true that he was born with two front teeth. He was born with teeth. Yes, well done. Or it is widely believed that he was, as it is also widely believed that Richard III and Napoleon Bonaparte were born with teeth. Do you know, I wanted to buzz in then, but something in my head just went, are babies born with teeth? Surely babies can't be born with teeth. Do you reckon babies are born with teeth?

I don't know, you thought horses probably didn't drink milk at that age. I mean, in general, babies aren't born with teeth, or it wouldn't be worth saying. You know, Julius Caesar was born with eyes. And that thing in your head, it's a brain. Yeah. Reg. And that thing in your head, it's a brain. News that appalled his father, inventor of the Caesar salad, who, like all Romans of the pre-Caesar era, was a vegetarian.

In 61 BC, Caesar opened his first restaurant, the Triumvirate, with Marcus Licinius Crassus in charge of lettuce, Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus in charge of other vegetables, and Caesar himself in charge of dressing. Caesar showed his disrespect for vegetables by satirically making them into hats, and in fact, he himself wore vegetable headgear most of the time to hide his baldness. Chappie. Do bay leaves count as vegetables? I was thinking of the laurel leaf headdress that he wore, maybe perhaps had a bit of fruit on it

that would count as him wearing vegetables as a headdress. Am I wrong? No, you're right. What? You're allowed to wear a laurel wreath if you're a nobleman, and he sort of wore it to cover his bald patch. And Caesar wasn't the only vain bald leader. Apparently Hannibal wore a wig into battle.

But while his restaurant business struggled, his contemporaries were enjoying success in other fields. His friend Brutus had developed a popular deodorant, while a five-foot-two... LAUGHTER ..while a five-foot-two mathematical whiz kid was already making a name for himself as Cassio, the pocket calculator. LAUGHTER Caesar had no more luck as a military leader,

in particular when his army was roundly defeated by the Gauls, led by the warrior chieftain, Weedabix. Returning home, Caesar found Rome under threat. But when Hannibal Lecter marched across the Alps with a great army, including the first... Rod, he did return home to find Rome under threat. Did he? Yeah. I thought he returned home to find Rome under threat. Did he? Yeah.

I thought he returned home and sort of conquered Rome. I suppose he did discover it under threat from him. Oh, look, you seem to be under threat from me. You're often your own worst enemy. Yeah. Returning home, Caesar found rome under threat but but when hannibal lecter marched across the alps with a great army including the first elephants ever seen in the west caesar was quick to respond he brought adam uh i reckon they were the first elephants ever seen in the west

were the ones marched across the alps by hannibaler. I'm fairly sure from my history books there was a line of, I marched the elephants over the Alps, Clarice. Where we had some flava beans and a Chianti. I think maybe Hannibal, not Lecter's elephants, might have been the first ones in the West. I don't know if they were or not, but they weren't during Julius Caesar's lifetime. Sorry.

Caesar was quick to respond. He brought the first giraffe ever seen in the West, I don't know if they were or not, but they weren't during Julius Caesar's lifetime. Sorry. Caesar was quick to respond. He brought the first giraffe ever seen in the West to Rome to act as a lookout. In a break between wars with the Roman emperor, Caesar formed a singing double act with Cleopatra, ruler of Egypt, and Caesar and Cleo recorded the birdie song before going on to greater fame and fortune as Sonny and Cher. Thank you, Reg.

Unbelievable. And you managed to smuggle three truths past everyone else, which were that all Romans of the pre-Caesar era were vegetarian, especially the legions and the gladiators. I don't think they minded eating animals, but meat was very expensive and really a huge delicacy and hardly any Romans ate it then. The second truth was that Julius Caesar was the first person

to bring a giraffe to the West, not Hannibal Lecter and elephants, but Julius Caesar and a giraffe. According to Pliny, it was brought to Rome in 46 BC and was probably a gift from Cleopatra. And the third truth was that Caesar and Cleo were the early stage names of Sonny and Cher Bono. So that means, Reg, you've scored three points. It's now the turn of Shappi Korsandi.

Shappi's family were forced to flee Iran after her dad published a poem that provoked outrage and death threats. It is a mark of Britain's tolerance as a democratic, free-thinking nation that we still allow Pam Ayres to live here. Your subject, Shappi, is kissing. The touching of one person's lips to another place, which is used as an expression of affection, respect, greeting, farewell, good luck, or sexual desire. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Shappi. Until the Romans invaded, the British had no word for kissing. The origins of the word come surprisingly not from Latin, but from the Sanskrit, kissasan, which literally means

exchange of disease. French kissing is so called because Victorians were so repulsed by the idea of such an intimate exchange that they thought only the French would have the stomach to do it. Queen Victoria was said to have given the bedsheet and cutlery of any French visitors away to the poor as they would have been contaminated by the gaulish compulsion to salivate on another's person. Red. I'm going to go with that because I think, from what I read,

Queen Victoria was kind of uptight. So I think she would be repulsed by French people kissing. Yeah, I'm going to go with that. I think she would be repulsed by French people kissing. Yeah, I'm going to go with that. I'm sure she was repulsed by French people kissing, but she didn't give away the bed sheets and cutlery. So she was uptight, but she was bed sheets. I thought she was a right-goer, wasn't she? Well, she was a complicated woman.

She was. In the 19th century, women travelling alone on trains used to place pins between their lips when entering tunnels in case strange men tried to kiss them in the dark. This is something which is now practised by men in hen night hotspots such as Prague, Dublin and Cardiff. But mainly Cardiff. Right.

I'll go back and take the first point of that, the pins in the lips. The pins in the lips. In tunnels in case of strangers. That could have happened somewhere, possibly, surely. Yeah, that is absolutely true. Yes! No, it was apparently advice in a traveller's handbook that women should have pins between their lips

when a train goes into a tunnel in case strange men tried to kiss them in the dark. Which I think it just shows it was a more romantic era when what women had to fear on a train was a kiss on the lips rather than a squeeze of a tit. John Cocksmith was hanged in 1707 in the Yorkshire town of Hebden Bridge for kissing his cousin's goat.

Adam. Yeah, OK, I'm going to go with that, because everything else... Don't say, yeah, OK, I'm going to... You buzzed. Yeah, no. I'm just saying, Adam, believe that. I firmly believe that. Right. Well, it's not true. The Hindi word achadahi, which means shy kiss,

is used in the New Girls Aloud single Exotica with the lyrics, My Bollywood prince, I can't wait for your kiss, just like that first time when you saw me and you stole my achadahi. Adam. Yes. I...

Will you stop saying things that sound so true? It almost feels like you're trying to trick me. Isn't it because Shappi's sitting nearer to you? Sorry? You seem to find Shappi very plausible. And she's the one sitting nearest to you. And I wonder whether you're mistaking veracity for proximity. Do you know...

Do you instinctively believe people who are nearer you? It was... I knew I should have been suspicious backstage when you sprayed on scent of plausibility. OK, I'm assuming I got it wrong then. Yeah, you got it wrong. Wow. In Luristan,

a woman with a moustache is considered to bring luck to those who kiss her during the... Yeah, that sounds utterly ridiculous. I'm going to go ahead and go with that. Yeah, no, it's not true. Oh, wasn't ridiculous enough. Where was the place that not true thing happened?

Luristan. Luristan. I don't know where that is either. I made it up. Oh, you made it up. It doesn't exist. No, I think Luristan... I'm really terrified now of getting my facts wrong,

but there is a people called Lurs who live in a region of Iran, and I'm actually guessing where they live perhaps is called Luristan. But the point is, I didn't... I just... Why am I... In a sort of terrified manner, I'm going to... You can't afford to get the regions of Iran. We can mess up all the regions of Iran. It doesn't really affect us.

Luristan. Luristan, yes. I will go with Luristan being a place. Do I get a point? No. We were just interested. And I stress the word were. In Iowa, a man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public. Vanessa Feltz's first kiss was with the dance DJ Pete Tong.

My first kiss was with the guy who operated the Zippy Puppet in Rainbow. Noel Edmonds once gave the kiss of life to a horse. It collapsed after Vanessa Feltz mistook it for Pete Tong. Thank you, Taffy. Just for the hell of it. Noel Edmonds must have kissed a horse. Of course he must. Come on. Yes, he has.

Yeah? Yes, Noel Edmonds has given the kiss of life to a horse. That is true. Yes, yes. It was not only a horse, it was a foal, which I suppose sort of combines bestiality and paedophilia. Did it live? Noel says of the incident,

it's hard, you can only do one nostril at once. At the end of that round, Shabby, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that until the Romans invaded, the British had no word for kissing. Also, it's widely believed. It may be to do with the fact that the Romans had lots of different words for different sorts of kiss. The second truth was in Iowa, a man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public. This is one of those laws that sort of exists for trivia books and is in no way observed.

And the third truth is that Vanessa Feltz's first kiss was with dance DJ Pete Tong. According to Vanessa Feltz, it happened in Mallorca on holiday when she was ten, and her mother was livid when she found out. And so that means you've scored three points. In 40s Hollywood, under the Hays Code, censors demanded that if a couple in a film were kissing on a bed, one of them had to keep a foot on the floor at all times.

A rule later adopted by the World Snooker Association in response to the extreme sexiness of Stephen Hendry. One recent study revealed that while 37% of men shut their eyes when kissing, as many as 97% of women shut their eyes when kissing. That figure rises to 100% when they're driving. Am I right, fellas? Who's with me? Am I right? Yeah? And now it's the turn of Adam Hills. Your subject, Adam, is kangaroos,

a variety of hopping marsupials or pouched mammals commonly found in Australia, Tasmania and New Guinea. Off you go, Adam. Kangaroos can only jump into a headwind. Kangaroos cannot jump and sneeze at the same time. A kangaroo cannot fart or walk backwards. Rod. Can't walk backwards.

Can't walk backwards or fart, in fact. Or fart. Can't fart. Can't fart. Like, even if they absolutely wanted to fart, it just can't do it. Can't or won't. I don't think they ever want to fart if they can't. It would be very cruel to have an animal that wants to fart,

that has a concept of farting in its head. That would be hell, wouldn't it? One of the saddest things I've ever seen is a kangaroo holding out its paw and saying, pull my finger. out its paw and saying, pull my finger. A kangaroo cannot jump if its tail is touching another kangaroo. A kangaroo cannot wee if another kangaroo is watching.

It's a fallacy that the mild-mannered kangaroo enjoys boxing. They actually settle disputes by playing scissors, paper, stone. They are generally known to be less dangerous than the ferocious koala, although a kangaroo was once hit by a car, smashed through the windscreen, mauled the driver to within an inch of his life,

then drove the man to the nearest infirmary... ..and claimed he had walked into a door. Shafiq? Sorry I interrupted that lovely flow, but I do believe that koalas get a bit tasty. They're not the cute, cuddly things that people think they are. They bite and scratch and hiss and bark. I can believe that, but I don't think they're as handy as a kangaroo.

I think you'd rather have a fight with a koala than a kangaroo. Do you know, it's just because Adam's sitting so close to me. More people in Australia can sing the theme tune to Skippy than can sing the Australian national anthem. Shappy. It's probably wrong, but I'm going to say it's right. I thought that might be true, but, you know, I suppose these Australians are very keen on their National Anthem,

aren't they, Adam? We do tend to mumble after about the second line of our National Anthem. We tend to sing, Australians, oh, let us rejoice. And then there's a line in it, our home is girt by sea, which is a word that no Australian has ever used. The word girt, it means to be surrounded by.

Is it because everyone in Australia originally came from the small town of Girt-by-Sea? And then they actually moved, because they said, We need somewhere a bit bigger than Girt-by-Sea. There are so many kangaroos in Australia that if they wanted to, every single Australian could have a kangaroo foursome at exactly the same time. The reason kang...

Rod. Yeah, I reckon there's probably, they outnumber them four to one or whatever it is. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, they outnumber them three to one. In fact, three more kangaroos to... Ah, yeah, well, yeah, I suppose you're including yourself in the foursome, obviously. Sometimes I just like to watch. I'm not including myself.

The reason kangaroos go... like Skippy is mainly because they disapprove of most things. Kangaroos are excellent at making intricate crop circles in Australian wheat fields. Kangaroos are often to be seen surf... Yes? That's true about the crop circles. No.

No, it's not. I can't believe I said that out loud. I just can't believe I said that on the radio. Please. There are crop circles which haven't been fully explained, so maybe it's kangaroos. But as far as we know, we're not aware. Thank you, David. I'll take that with me.

What's that, Skip? You've made an amazing design in the lower paddock. Kangaroos are often to be seen surfing on their big tails, being excellent swimmers, and have been found swimming a mile from Australian shores, waiting for the big one. Rod. Yeah, that's true. They're good swimmers. They are., being excellent swimmers, and have been found swimming a mile from Australian shores, waiting for the big one. Rod. Yeah, that's true, they're good swimmers.

They are, they're good swimmers. In fact, fishermen off Queensland reported seeing a kangaroo swimming seven miles offshore. Or possibly drowning. But, you know. Anyway, no, they... It's hard to tell, their hands are so short, they can't wave for assistance.

They're good swimmers, but they've never had the pleasure of seeing a fart bubble up. They're good swimmers, but they've never had the pleasure of seeing a fart bubble up. Due to an initial influx of Italian immigrants to Australia, kangaroo nomenclature took on a mafia-based tinge. A lone male kangaroo is known as a heavy. A female kangaroo is called a mole. A male kangaroo once beat another kangaroo to death with a baseball bat A group of kangaroos is called a mob

And if you offend an Australian mob boss You will wake up with a kangaroo's head in your bed Rod I think a group of kangaroos is called a mob, isn't it? Yes, it is It's also called a troop or a herd Presumably, or a group of kangaroos. But never a school.

No, not a school. Not unless they're all drowning together. The surname of Australian tennis player Yvonne Goulagong translates as kangaroo's nose. The town name of Gundagai translates as kangaroo's arse. Aboriginal people often refer to Peter Andre as a massive Gundagai. Thank you, Adam. And in that round, you managed to smuggle only one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the surname of Australian tennis player Yvonne Goulagong translates as kangaroo's nose.

So that means you've scored one point. Back in the game. This whole lower score thing's looking pretty good, right? Females have a pouch that they use to carry their young. When it's time for feeding, they simply reach into the pouch, scrabble around and say, hang on, it's in here somewhere. Oh, no, no, that's my car keys, tissues, mascara. No, I can't find anything in here.

Am I right, fellas? Am I right? Who's with me? Anyway, that brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with an unconfirmed, possibly record ineptitude equaling minus six points, we have Adam Hill. In third place, with minus three points, it's Shappy Corsandy. In second place, with minus one point, it's Reginald D. Hunter. And in first place, with an unassailable, slightly showy four points,

it's this week's winner, Rod Gilbert. That's about it for this week from the Pleasant Theatre at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden Goodbye.