The Unbelievable Truth - 04x06 Ludwig van Beethoven, Wigs, Honey, The Telephone

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

04x06 9 November 2009 Tony Hawks, Arthur Smith, Phill Jupitus, Graeme Garden Ludwig van Beethoven, Wigs, Honey, The Telephone

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. Tonight we have four comedians who will blend a few grains of truth with a large dollop of nonsense. Please welcome Phil Jupiters, Tony Hawks, Graham Garden and Arthur Smith. These are the rules each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false say for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle

past their opponents skillfully concealed amongst the lies points are scored by truths that go unnoticed while other panelists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a truth for a lie we'll'll start with Tony Hawks. Tony, your subject is the composer and pianist Ludwig van Beethoven, universally recognised as one of the greatest composers of the Western European music tradition. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Contrary to popular belief, Beethoven was Austrian, not German, having been born in Austria and moved to Bonn when he was two by his parents.

Arthur. It was such a dull fact, I feel it must be true. You're sort of lacing your guests with an insult there, so you kind of... Either you get a point... It's a double whammy. Either you get a point, you've been rude to Tony. Yeah, I can't go wrong here. It's a win-win situation.

Well, in this case, you've won an insult to Tony. Well, there's some pluses yes moved to a bond when he was two by his parents sid and nancy beethoven his five brothers vilhelm hans carls otto and vinnie teased beethoven over his third arm but their taunts fell on deaf ears. However, when teased by his oldest brother about his eyebrows, which nearly met in the middle, he threw cutlery at him and caused a scar. Graham. Well, Beethoven, I think, was notoriously bad-tempered, and it wouldn't surprise me. He threw a plate of stew at the waiter once, I think, so it wouldn't surprise me if he threw

something at his brother. Would it surprise me if he threw something at his brother. Would it surprise you if he didn't? Not now. Beethoven initially took up music after swallowing a piccolo at a fair. For a while, he composed a short symphony every time he coughed or sneezed. He was taught by most of the great composers of the day. Neither Schubert nor nor paganini rated him

and both failed to get him to sick up his piccolo haydn said he was rubbish at composing and should give up a mozart bought in football boots thinking this is where his true talents lay in 1751 he suddenly went deaf after listening to a james blunt album but this did not deter him from composing, and he tried many ingenious ways of trying to hear or sense the music he had composed, including footing his feet in a tub of water to feel the vibrations,

placing a stick on top of his piano and biting on it. Phil. He did that. He did do that, yes. Yeah. Beethoven suffered from a form of sclerosis which causes the three bones in the inner ear to shrink, curable today with a minor operation.

It did mean, however, that he could hear the piano by putting a wooden stick between it and his head, thereby using the skull to transmit the sound to the inner ear. And the easiest way of doing that was for him to bite on it, have it between his teeth. That apparently allowed him to hear yeah beethoven was quite a wit and once when he heard a friend's opera for the first time he commented i like your opera i think i'll put it to music on thursday the 26th of august 1756, Beethoven finished his unfinished symphony. He was constantly in trouble with the police

and he was once arrested after being mistaken for a tramp. Graham. Yeah, I mean, you've seen those pictures of him and that sort of funny bust with his hair all over the place. Yeah, he probably was mistaken for a tramp. Yes, he absolutely was, yeah. A musical tramp. Yeah.

He was always very precise about when he did what he always wrote his symphonies on thursdays he would only eat fish on a plate if the tail faced north and he insisted that every cup of coffee made for him was prepared from exactly 60 coffee beans he wrote a dozen symphonies, and his last, his fifth symphony, came just before his fourth and was never finished. Unlike his unfinished symphony, which he finished on a Thursday, just in time to watch Carol Vorderman on Count Otto von Bismarck down.

Thank you, Tony. And, Tony, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. And the truths are that it was Haydn who said that Beethoven was rubbish at composing and should give it up. And when Beethoven took his piano concerto number one to Haydn, the only comment Haydn had was, it is very average, just play music, don't bother writing it. The second truth is that Beethoven insisted that every cup of coffee made for him was prepared from exactly 60 coffee beans, according to Anton Schindler, an associate and biographer of Beethoven. And the third truth is that Beethoven was a bit of a wag, and when he heard a friend's opera for

the first time, he commented, I liked your opera, I think I will put it to music. But that means, Tony, you scored three points. Beethoven was a key figure in the transitional phase between the classical and romantic eras of Western music and remains one of the most acclaimed and influential composers of all time. Or as he himself would put it, pardon? Beethoven's works include nine symphonies, five piano concertos, one opera, and six increasingly bad films about a large lovable dog. OK, we turn now to Arthur Smith. Your subject, Arthur, is the wig, an arrangement of artificial and human hair worn to conceal baldness as a disguise

or as part of a costume, either theatrical, ceremonial or fashionable. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Arthur. Wigs have always been a way of attracting attention. Robert Hawker, a 19th century vicar, liked to sit on a rock off the coast at Bude, wearing only a wig of seaweed and an oil skin wrapped around his legs, trying to persuade holidaymakers he was a mermaid. He later became the Bishop of the Isle of Man. In 1984, Bruce Forsyth's wig was voted in by students as the Rector of Aberdeen University. In the 1950s, in New Mexico,

a wig thrown from a car by a disgruntled woman was found by a man who was convinced it was an alien from another planet. Tony. I'm going for this as being true. Weird things just happen in New Mexico. Yeah, not that. In the 16th century, Lord Cornbury,

a distant ancestor of Prince Charles, was so embarrassed by his enormous ears that, notoriously, he had the country's best wig maker fashion two tiny wigs to cover them the coincidence of the arrival of a new type of insect from America gives us the origin of the word earwig Tony that's true I love the confidence is this another one you know do you think? It's got America in it again. It's got America. Look, I know it isn't because you're taking

too long. Yeah, no. As doctors operated on the dying Caroline, wife of George II, she suddenly started laughing. One of the doctors had leaned too close to a candle and had set his wig on fire. Towards the end of George III's life,

he would put a fish on his head instead of a wig. Tony. Well, he was mad, and also, he didn't seem to have said many true things yet. No, I'm afraid it's not true. In a way, it's the act of a madman, but it's so wacky, it would lead you to suggest he was faking it.

Are you suggesting that no mad people have had any sort of relationship with fish? No, I'm not... Relationship with fish? In a way, though, David, everything you think comes from the point that you've got all the right answers written down in front of you.

And you don't have to try and listen out for all these really unusual truths. That is the strength of my position. And it's a strength you never fail to point out. No, I... But what I try and do is I try and think whether I think something, you know, of the holes you fall into, Tony, I try and decide which we have a better disguise.

We only have to mention some fact pertaining to America and Tony Buskirk. Yeah. Or now fish. The fish in the state of Minnesota. Don't, Tony, don't. At a Radio 2 party in the 80s, Terry Wogan and Jimmy Young accidentally went home with each other's wigs on. Oh, is no-one buzzing? Don't we want to live in a world where that is true?

Public wigs... Sorry, pubic wigs... LAUGHTER ..merkins... Phil? The pubic wig is called the merkin. It was just pubic wigs, merkins. Phil. The pubic wig is called the murkin. It was just pubic wigs, comma, murkins. No assertion. Oh, damn it. Sorry.

Pubic wigs are called murkins. I think there was an assertion there. Yes, it was. You get a point. I don't know... I don't know why Arthur did that. Because I love Phil. And I'd like us all to gang up against you, David. Oh, thank you very much.

Pubic wigs look a bit like David's haircut. Can I just say, firstly, I can sense the spectre of match-fixing. And secondly, it's not my fault I've got the answers it is you chose to be the presenter we were all offered the job anyway Merkins which we know to be pubic wigs have been used in various films, including Alan Bates in Women In Love,

Kate Winslet in The Reader, and Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler. Tony, I think Mickey Rourke did wear a pubic wig in The Wrestler. No, he didn't, I'm sorry. But let me say how completely understandable I find that. In the 18th century, men and women wore very tall, white, powdered wigs

called macaronis. Tony. Look, he hasn't said anything true yet, has he? So that's got to be true. I don't care how many points I lose, I'm going to get one, and that is it. Yes, that's true. No!

to get one and that is it. Yes, that's true. No! In Tokyo, they sell wigs for dogs. Tony. They do sell wigs for dogs in Tokyo. They do sell wigs for dogs in Tokyo. Tony, you're on a roll, baby.

Thank you, Arthur. And, um, you managed to smuggle three truths past the panel, which are that Robert Hawker, a 19th-century vicar, liked to sit on a rock off the coast at Bude, wearing only a wig of seaweed and an oil skin wrapped around his legs, trying to persuade holidaymakers he was a mermaid. Now, what about that does not ring true?

A hoax he was playing on superstitious people, supposedly saying, oh, look, I'm a mermaid. Oh, mermaid. Oh, you believe in mermaids. You're an idiot. I'm a vicar. The second truth is that as doctors were operating on the dying Caroline, wife of George II, she suddenly started laughing because one of the doctors had leaned too close to a candle and set his wig on fire,

and they requested to stop the operation for a bit to allow her to laugh. That's true. And the third truth is that Kate Winslet has spoken about wearing a merkin in The Reader. She apparently had to wear a merkin after finding it difficult to grow sufficient extra pubic hair herself due to years of diligent waxing.

Right. I spotted the other two by buzzing on nearly everything else you said. Essentially made a silhouette of the truth in sort of lights of buzz. But that means our thieves scored three points. In 18th century England, women's wigs were sometimes four feet high. They were dusted with flour and decorated with stuffed birds, replicas of gardens, plates of fruit, or even model ships. What a comedown nowadays to see Amy Winehouse's hair with just a solitary rat and a

couple of syringes. When Mary, Queen of Scots, was executed, she wore a wig so that when the executioner tried to lift her severed head to show to the crowd, he instead lifted the wig off, leaving the head on the floor. Not a bad gag, but hard to repeat. Right, it's now the turn of Phil Jupitus. Your subject, Phil, is honey, a sweet, viscous fluid produced by honeybees from the nectar of flowers. Off you go, Phil.

Some call it daffodil lava the sticky seductress bumble slops the reverend wentworth's garden gravy buzz custard the crap in the jar that never goes off bear nip yes many. I'm going for Bare Nip. I think he wouldn't have done that unless one of those names was actually real. I have decided to go probably for the wrong one. Bare Nip is not called Bare Nip. I bet one of the other ones will. Anyway, we'll find out later.

That's something to look forward to, listeners. It certainly is. Are we now trailing Radio 4 shows within the show? To be fair, that certainly happens with every television show, doesn't it? Just now, Mum's worried. There's nothing in the fridge. In a minute,

what's in the fridge? Nothing. Actual content of programme, four minutes of footage. Coming up now, Phil Jupiters carries on with his thing. Yes, many names and literally four or five uses. Phil will be saying in a minute. Previously. Yes, many names and literally four or five uses,

if you don't include toast. What many people don't know... Tony. Well, there are four or five uses if you don't include toast what many people don't know tenny well there are four or five uses for honey aren't there well see i don't know you could smother your partner in honey i believe you can eat it as well okay so, those are the main two. Terrible glue. You can use it to attract insects. To attract insects? That's four.

He said literally four or five, not exactly four or five, didn't he? No, I'm still going with you. Thank you. Oh, great. I'm going to give Tony a point for saying that there are four or five uses honey is made by bees or as naturalists call them the wasp's cousin who never got married and is a very good dancer and indeed in common with a section of the gay community bees like nothing more than going somewhere dark and crowded and dancing around a fat queen. Graham. Bees do dance, don't they?

There is a bee dance where they show the way to honey to the other bees. And there is a queen, isn't there? And there is a fat queen. I'm accidentally spewing truth like some kind of truth sprinkler at the minute. In Egypt, they were honey obsessives. Pepe II would smear naked slaves with honey to form human flypaper. And... Graham. I wouldn't put that past them.

And rightly. That's absolutely true. Well done. The most common cause of death for ancient Roman tax collectors was bear attack, as taxes were often paid with honey. Honey has often been used in fiction. A. A. Milne was forced to turn his Gothic horror novel 100 Acres of Death...

LAUGHTER ..into a children's book after readers objected to the idea of a honey crazed bear eating a small boy a piglet a rabbit and all his friends and relations the subsequent success of winnie the pooh led to milne being offered a lucrative contract by a somerset honey company which he declined that's that's liable to be true because it was a big hit and you know the commercial people would see the possibilities. Like, Disney have bought Winnie the Pooh, haven't they? I mean, it's definitely true.

You don't even need to say that it's true. Right. No, that's not true. Although I think someone missed an opportunity. Yeah, false. They could have marketed it as honey spelt the way Winnie the Pooh spelt it. You know, and then you could trademark that, like quicksave. Could he not spell honey, Winnie the Pooh spelt it. And then you could trademark that like quick save. Could he not spell honey, Winnie the Pooh?

No, he spelt it H-U-N-N-Y. Oh, I thought that was right. Honey has many and varied properties. Indeed, if I was to take you to the curator of Alexandrian artefacts at the British Museum and say tell them about the honey mummy, he would

hold forth about Alexander the Great, who upon death was coated in honey. It is humbling to think of the conqueror of the known world ending up as a massive, smelly, albeit historically significant, sugar puff covered in bears. Honey is now de rigueur within the world of show business. Nicole Kidman, when booking into hotels,

used Miss Honey as an alias. Jonathan Ross. Arthur. She certainly did when I booked into a hotel with her. Right. Well, I mean, that's good insider knowledge, because that's absolutely true. There you are.

In fact, and there are other celebrities who've booked in under fake names, are that Mariah Carey's booked into hotels as Miss Cupcake. Danny Minogue as Pussy Jones. And Elton John as Sir Humphrey Handbag. You sort of wonder about how committed they are to their anonymity. Jonathan Ross named his daughter Honey because his wife Jane was stung during pregnancy.

And radio presenter Mark Lamar pays for the upkeep of ten hives on the outskirts of his native Swindon. Thank you, Phil. Well, at the end of that round, Phil, you managed to smuggle three truths past the panel, which are that honey never goes off. In fact, honey was found in the tombs of the Egyptian pharaohs, has been tasted by archaeologists and found to be edible. Second truth is that taxes were often paid with honey in Roman times. They also took taxes in salt sometimes instead of gold. And third truth is that Alexander the Great was coated in honey after death.

That was to preserve his body, as was the general practice. However, Phil, you accidentally spewed nine truths. Yes. But that means you've still scored three points. Winnie the Pooh, of course, would famously do anything for honey. A bit like Pete Doherty and heroin.

Out of 20,000 species of bees, only four make honey. The rest concentrate on jams, chutneys and heroin. Out of 20,000 species of bees, only four make honey. The rest concentrate on jams, chutneys and baking. And now it's the turn of Graham Garden. Graham was one of the original writers on the hit ITV sitcom, Doctor in the House, which featured the exploits of trainee doctors. It seems incredible, doesn't it? A hit ITV sitcom. Your subject, Graham, is the telephone, a telecommunications device that transmits and receives sound, most commonly the human voice. Off you go, Graham.

Today, Alexander Graham Bell is best remembered for inventing the bell, which was named after him. Telephones had been around for over 100 years but before the bell was invented nobody could tell when the phone was ringing. When the first American transcontinental telephone... Sorry to go back. I think telephones have been around for over 100 years. I think he tried to sneak that through.

I think he said telephones had been around before Alexander Graham Bell. Oh, in which case I've made a mistake. Sorry. That's all right. It's all about America now, though, Tom. Yeah. Sharpen those fingertips.

Right. When the first American transcontinental telephone line was opened, the first words spoken by Alexander Graham Belt, who was an assistant across the continent in California, were, Watson, please come here, I want you. Phil. Yeah, he said that. Yeah, he did. Yeah, well done.

And the reason he said that was that when he first invented the telephone at all... It made him hungry for gay sex. It was the first gay chat line. What if you invent the first telephone in California and the first thing you do? Looking to speak to men who commit unspeakable acts? Then dial one now. Do you carry on Graham

Thomas Edison proposed that the proper way to answer a phone should be with the word yoohoo it was it was Bell who suggested yellow the first telephones mass produced by Henry Ford

made use of the new radio technology and could be carried around anywhere. However, Edison devised a phone tethered by wire to the home to prevent theft. Alexander Graham Bell made surprisingly little use of the telephone himself except for business purposes. In fact, he never even phoned his wife or mother preferring to send picture postcards or to call round in person to this very day if you call california number glendale 51510 you could get through to the late joseph hershorn financier and art collector who was buried with three phones in his coffin phil yeah he was frightened of uh being buried alive and he was certainly buried with three phones in his coffin. Phil. Yeah, he was frightened of being buried alive.

He was certainly buried with three phones in his coffin, and that seems as good a reason as any why he might have been. Mark Twain, who had no time for science and technology, stated that the telephone would never last. There was no need for it, as people had been getting on perfectly well for years with their fax machines. There was no need for it, as people had been getting on perfectly well for years with their fax machines.

The single problem facing the early American phone networks was animal interference. In Nevada, columns of soldier ants would march up the poles and along the wires, causing terrible interference on the line. Come on. Tony. It had the clue in there, Nevada. Yeah. And I think, you know, I think there was animal interference. I don't know about the ants bit, but the animal interference was

the key part that he said there. No, I'm sorry. I like the idea of all the soldier ants marching along the wires and making it bounce. I see, I didn't like that bit. Oh, right. I like the idea of all the soldier ants marching along the wires and making it bounce. I see, I didn't like that bit. Oh, right. I liked the Nevada bit. That was the bit I liked.

You liked the Nevada bit, I liked that. Well, there's something for everyone. It's not just America. To get Tony really hooked, you just have to say the name of a state. Yeah. But to be fair, I've got a following, you know, and I could sense the disappointment

when I wasn't going. Bad luck, though. OK. Vibration on the ground was also a problem, and in California... ..it is actually against the law for a circus parade, including elephants, to pass closer than 500 yards from a phone line?

Go on. Tony. It's going to be true. No. No. No, it's not true. What's the lowest score anyone's ever got on this show?

We're about to find out. Browsing could also cause trouble, and in Atlanta, Georgia... Did you know I was booked for this show? It is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole. I'm not going for that. Phil. I reckon it is.

Yeah, you're right, Phil. Tony's, er, Tony's, Tony's left, and he's, he's found a piano. He's playing mournful tunes on the piano. He's come back. I don't think Phil will be able to sleep tonight. Thank you, Graham. And at the end of that round, Graham,

you've managed to smuggle two truths past everyone else, which are that Alexander Graham Bell never phoned his wife or mother, and that's because they were both deaf. And I don't know whether it was just bloody-mindedness that led him to invent something incredibly useful but useless to them. The other truth is that the first fax machines were invented in the 1840s, 30 years before the telephone. From the 1840s, they had vague fax machines,

and then this thing called the Pantelograph was patented in 1861. I mean, I imagine it was crap, but it was nominally invented. So that means, Graham, you scored two points. Which brings us to the final scores. And in fourth place, with minus five points, we have Tony Hawks. In third place, with minus three points, it's Arthur Smith. In second place, with four points,

it's Graham Garden. But in first place, with an unassailable six points, points is this week's winner, Phil Jupiter. And that's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Tony Hawkes,

Arthur Smith, Phil Jupitus and Graham Garden. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.