The Unbelievable Truth - 06x03 Spiders, Mushrooms, Eggs, Edinburgh

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

06x03 11 October 2010 Rhod Gilbert, Tom Wrigglesworth, Lucy Porter, Kevin Bridges Spiders, Mushrooms, Eggs, Edinburgh

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies, which this week comes from a tent near Waverley Station at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. All around us in Edinburgh are comedians risking their life savings to try and get that elusive career break, while we undercut them with a free show paid for by the licence fee. Please welcome Rod Gilbert, Kevin Bridges, Tom Rigglesworth and Lucy Porter. The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, We'll begin with Rod Gilbert. Rod, your subject is spiders, described by my encyclopedia as predacious arachnids possessing eight legs, two poison fangs, and usually two silk-spinning organs to create cocoons or webs

that serve as nests or traps for prey. Off you go, Rod. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Spiders. Arachnophobia is not pronounced arachnophobia, and is not a fear of spiders, but is in fact pronounced arachnophobia, and is the nickname of Arak Obama, brother of US President Barack. In a recent interview, Barack said of Arak,

he's fearless, my brother, I once saw him French kiss a wasp. When Little Miss Muffet read about herself in the newspapers under the headline Little Miss Scaredy Cat, she was outraged at the suggestion that she'd run away when a spider sat down beside her. As if, she said, I may not be A Barack Obama, but I ain't scared of no spider. My mom's Mrs. Muffet, the eminent zoologist, yeah, and my stepdad, Dr. Muffet, is a famous entomologist, so spiders are more than welcome on my tuffet.

And anyway, technically, they can't sit down. Spider, spider, burning bright in the forests of the night. That was the surprisingly measured response of poet Cyril Blakey on discovering that his 1967 Alfa Romeo spider had been stolen by joyriders and torched in Epping Forest. If spider silk was spun over a railway track, it could delay a train travelling at 100 miles an hour. Tom.

I suspect that's true. If only for the stream of nonsense that proceeds from one of these, it's got to be true. You're thinking there's got to be a truth at some point. And I know that spider's web is stronger than steel. And my finger twitched, basically, and here we are. I'm surprised the tracks aren't made of spider web.

I'm sure they should be. I think it's probably difficult to organise the spiders. It's very difficult to get them to invest emotionally in transport infrastructure. It's very difficult to get them to invest emotionally in transport infrastructure. And you're tired enough to get them to sit down. This is not one of the true facts that Rob was trying to smuggle past, but nevertheless, if spider silk was spun over a railway track,

it would delay a train marginally, wouldn't it? I mean, I wouldn't say it would probably still, you know, hit its slot. I don't... But, you know, you put anything in the way... If you put a wasp in the way of a planet, it would be slightly delayed by the wasp. The wasp would be more inconvenienced.

Are you saying that technically every train in the world is delayed just because of the sort of air pressure it has to deplace on the way to its destination? Well, I'm not delayed, because if they're not allowing for air pressure, then they're expecting... Maybe that's the problem with transporting this country. I think it is. Every day they think, I'm sure we'll get a vacuum

at some point. So, yeah, I'm willing to give you a point for that. Thanks, David. What? If spider silk was spun over a railway track, it would delay a train. I made that up! Well, you made something up that is physically true. Well done.

But that's ridiculous. Well, no, it's not really. It's true. There are five twos. No, there are five twos plus a couple more that might creep in if I make them up. Look, if you... Look, Rod, I'm not saying it's going to delay it

half an hour. Just marginally. Alright, if spider silk was spun over a railway track, it can delay a train travelling at 100 miles an hour. At least that's the reason they gave over the tannoy. We should point out that that noise you may have heard was the noise of a real train, who is

not a member of our audience, but is going to and from Edinburgh's beautiful Waverley Station that this tent that we're in is right next to. And if you're wondering why it was a couple of seconds late... Apparently a spider's web also caused the buffet car to run out of crisps at Berwick-upon-Tweed. No, David, you're going to let that go, are you? Fine. If spider thread was just five times thicker,

it could stop a tank in its tracks. Lucy. Well, it seems churlish not to buzz now, doesn't it, really? No, if he'd said slower tank, I'd go with that, but stop it completely, just five times the thickness of a normal spider's web. Thank God I made this up right. Yeah.

Well, now I feel really stupid. Good. It wouldn't, Lucy, I'm sorry. Tanks are really massive and difficult to stop. Whereas trains are easy. Look, I did not...

I returned to the thing I said was true. If spider thread was as thick as a pencil, it could stop a Boeing 747 in full flight. If it could spin a thread as thick as Peter Andre... Tom? Yes, it could stop a Boeing in full flight, because if it just severed a wing, that would crash the plane if it stopped the flight.

That is absolutely true, Tom. Yay! And have no truck for that one. The sprinter spider of the Serengeti can outrun a cheetah. Winged flying spiders often fly across the Mozambique Channel to Madagascar. The Australian dancing spider can salsa and rumba. Jumping spiders have been known to reach a height of 22,000 feet. The Egyptian swimming spider has barely enough room

on his trunks for his swimming badges. Tom? The spider, jumping spider, how high? 22,000 feet. Now, if it was on a plane, it would just simply have to hop and it would have achieved more than that. Well, it's interesting that you say that because it is a plane, it would just simply have to hop and it would have achieved more than that. Well, it's interesting that you say that,

because it is a fact, it is true, because they basically live at 22,000 feet in the Himalayas. Well, in that case, winged flying spiders often fly across the Mozambique Channel to Madagascar on a plane. The sprinter spider, the Serengeti, can outrun a cheetah if he's on the 415 across the Serengeti, can't he? Or is this all going to end? No, I...

I completely accept that I, too, Rod, think that Tom's actual knowledge of spiders isn't as complete as his... As mine. As certainly not... But he did buzz at the right time. Yes, all right, that seems to be what it's about. Harrison Ford recently bred a

spider that can crack a silk thread like a whip. The spider was called Calponia Harrison Fordi in his honour until its sad death at the hands of an evil dung beetle who rolled a huge ball of dung down ill and crushed Harrison Fordi's spider. The Venezuelan Goliath bird-eating tarantula can feed a family of nine

for over a year. They then use its fangs as toothpicks, its testicles as earplugs, and its penis as a rudimentary stylus. Thank you, Rod. So, Rod, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Dr Thomas Muffet was an eminent Elizabethan entomologist, and it's believed by some that one of his two stepdaughters

was the original Little Miss Muffet. The second truth is that the fangs of the Venezuelan Goliath bird-eating tarantula are used as toothpicks by the local Indian tribes. The spider's the size of a dinner plate and tastes apparently like prawns. And the third truth is that Harrison Ford has a spider named in his honour. It was in return for his narrating a documentary for the Natural History Museum.

And that means, Rod, you've scored three points. During their lifetime, it's thought the average human unknowingly eats eight spiders during the night. Could be more, depending on which kebab van it is. OK, we turn now to Tom Rigglesworth. Tom is from Sheffield, where his MP is Nick Clegg, so look for Tom to try and form a coalition with another panellist. Or, more accurately, stand next to another panellist, nodding and making cups of tea. Your subject, Tom, is mushrooms.

Fleshy, spore-bearing fungi typically produced above ground on soil. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Tom. The largest living thing in the world is actually a 7,000-year-old mushroom, boasting a diameter of 3.5 miles. The portobello mushroom was first discovered

growing inside a second-hand fridge bought in the Portobello Road Market. Don't buy it. Kevin. I reckon that's true. Well, I think there is a lot of stuff growing where it shouldn't be in things you bought in the Portobello Road Market, I'm sure. I don't know how much of it will get eaten.

I never said I would eat the thing, I just say the right thing. Well, people do eat Portobello mushrooms, don't they? Not if you find it in a second-hand fridge. Yeah. Is it true? No, it's not true. Incidentally, what is true is that portobello mushrooms were only named such in the 1980s.

They used to be known as brown mushrooms and nobody really bought them. And then someone had the idea of renaming them portobello mushrooms and now they're all fashionable. The Egyptians believed mushrooms were the sons of gods sent to the earth on lightning bolts. Mushroom! Yes, Egyptians, yes.

Of course they did. They were clever people, Rod. These weren't maniacs. They built pyramids. And what, a maniac doesn't build a pyramid? Yeah, I'm with Rod here. I think what the ancient Egyptians were is clever maniacs. They could do all sorts of clever things,

but the clever things they chose to do were mental. And they did believe that mushrooms were the sons of God sent to Earth by lightning bolts. What, they did? Yeah, you're right. That's funny, you didn't even know that, Tom, and you said it. I didn't. I was trying to get you to read. You were trying to get me to retract. I don't think

that's within the rules of the game. Is that allowed? I mean, it's dirty, dirty play. But I love it. Lucky I'm glad I stuck to my guns. Yeah. Taiwan is the world's largest exporter of mushrooms. Most of these exported mushrooms end up having starring roles in Hollywood films,

as pathetic noses, kneecaps or nipples. Or more often as fake vomit. Rod. I'm going to go with mushrooms being used in fake vomit in film sets do you know you're absolutely right in fact you slightly preempted the full fact which tom will give you now they mix it with stuffing and cream for the uh i was gonna say you couldn't just use it on its own. Yeah. The tin would give it away. Also, mushrooms are used in medical schools. The pert soft cap or hood, velvety fin-like underside and more fibrous stem perfectly replicate many organs and tissues of the human body,

allowing valuable yet harmless scalpel practice for tomorrow's surgeons. Lucy. Can I go back to mushrooms are used in medical schools because I've been to a canteen in a medical school and had mushrooms. Right. Good work. I don't think I'm going to allow that, Lucy.

To be honest, I don't really want the point. It was sneaky and underhanded, and I'm ashamed of myself. You're quite ashamed of yourself, are you? Yeah, I am a bit. I mean, it was very clever, but for the running of a medical school, you don't need a canteen. Have you been to medical school? No, and yet I practise as a surgeon.

It's a disgrace. I'm sorry I led us down this route altogether. That's all right. Finally, would I led us down this route altogether. That's all right. Finally, would you not like to comment on the fact that it's used as practice? Oh, are you helping me trying to get a point? Well, I'm just... If you're going to buzz, then, you know... I wouldn't trust him.

I'm going to give it a go, yeah. All right, they are used to practice operations. I'm afraid they're not, Lisa. Tom used supposed compassion, I guess, to lure you in. Visitors to the renowned Spinach Triangle in North Yorkshire are actually able to hear the surrounding plants squeak as they grow. This is not the only audible crop.

Rod. Yeah, I reckon you can hear the crops grow. This bit isn't quite right. Oh, isn't quite right? the crops grow. This bit isn't quite right. No, isn't quite right? No, no, this bit isn't right. I tell you what, I'm damn close to one now and it's coming up any second. Yeah, yeah. I may have inadvertently given you a clue.

Would you like to sit back, everyone else, please? You could travel to China and listen to the cracking sound of the Lady Vale mushroom. Rod. I could. You absolutely could, yes. Yes, the Lady in the Vale mushroom in China takes just 20 minutes to attain its full height of 8 inches. To achieve this, its cells expand at such a rate

that they make an audible cracking sound. Wow. And I, for one, am glad they only grow to 8 inches. To achieve this, its cells expand at such a rate that they make an audible cracking sound. And I, for one, am glad they only grow to eight inches. Otherwise you feel threatened? No, no. What I'm saying is, this isn't growing two feet an hour. Can you imagine what that would be like? You could say that

about most things, though, wouldn't you? You could say, thank God elephants stop where they do. Yes, that's true. Actually, I have a lot of blessings that I don't count often enough. Thank God. I'm seldom oppressed by elephants, by tigers. I've never had malaria. No.

You know, no building I've been in has ever fallen on me. No. You know, I'm still worried about things, though. Yeah. You know, tax. I think there's a problem with my fridge at the moment. You've got a mushroom growing in it. No, it's not a mushroom. I'll tell you what it is.

When you shut the door, it makes a sort of noise like water trickling. Does it? Yeah. I can't understand it. But it's very much my problem and there's really no reason why it should take up any more of the nation's time.

I am such a big fan of yours, I will buy you a new fridge. How about that? Don't cry, don't cry. Now I'm genuinely moved. If you do that, Rod, get one of those that you plumb in that give you ice on request so when he shuts the door he'll hear a trickle of the water. the door, you'll hear a trickle of the water. The first submarine used in battle carried glowing the dark mushrooms to provide

lighting on board. Rod. True. You're absolutely right. Well done, yes. Mushrooms were used to provide lighting in a submarine called the Turtle, which was first used in 1776 against the British during the American War of Independence. Benjamin Franklin himself suggested the use of foxfire mushrooms

as lighting due to the mushroom's bioluminescence. The problem being, when you have to use candles in a submarine, they use up all the oxygen which you also need for breathing. Absolutely. In Santa Monica, California, when 87-year-old Sean Mooney died, a mushroom inherited over half a million dollars. Sean had married the mushroom, allegedly to Spice. Rod.

I believe it. What do you believe? I believe that fact, that he probably married a mushroom and the mushroom inherited the money. To Spice's family, or just in... I don't know about to Spice. Well, probably to Spice. I can imagine they proved it.

We're splitting hairs anyway, because this is all rubbish. Oh, is it? No money left to a mushroom, no marrying of a mushroom. What happened? Did they just not get on? None. No, I don't know. They did date. Do you know, the chemistry wasn't there.

They loved each other, but they weren't in love with each other, you know? Went their separate ways, did they? Yeah. No, well, one of them stayed there because it was a mushroom. That's the end of Tom's lecture. Thank you. At the end of that round, Tom,

you've managed to smuggle just one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the largest living organism in the world is a mushroom. It's officially known as Armillaria ostoyi,

and it's three and a half miles across and covers approximately 2,200 acres. What a big mushroom. And that means, Tom, you've scored one point. Now it's the turn of Lucy Porter. Lucy is a comedian who always tells it just like it is.

During her last show, she explained why she would never be getting married and having children. And we're delighted to welcome her back tonight with her husband and heavily pregnant. Your subject, Lucy, is the egg, an oval or round body laid by domestic poultry and other birds, reptiles, amphibians and fish. Off you go, Lucy.

Queen Victoria ate her breakfast-boiled eggs with a golden spoon out of a golden egg cup. In fact, all the food containers on her breakfast table were solid gold. Tom. Every item on this monarch's table was gold. Yeah, it's not true. Really? Plated? Yeah, no.

You're confusing Queen Victoria with King Midas. Lucy. St Kevin's noble Irish parents had him down for the priesthood, but instead he became a hermit, and a blackbird famously laid an egg in St Kevin's outstretched hand, and he kept perfectly still until the baby bird hatched. Rod. Yeah, that's true as well.

That is true. Yes, well done. I mean, obviously, when I say it's true, it's not true, because no one could keep their hand outstretched while a bird hatched, but it is said of St Kevin. No one could keep their hand out while a bird they don't just pop them out crack gone you know okay although the kiwi bird of new zealand is only about the same size as a chicken it lays an egg which is 10 times larger than a hen's roughly a quarter of the female's body weight tom that's true the kiwi is it's a stupid true. The kiwi is a stupid bird, isn't it?

It is a stupid bird. So it would do something as stupid as... And it does. Grow an egg that way. Well done, Tom. That's absolutely right, yes. I know that because once a kiwi laid a bird in my hand. It laid a bird in your hand? Ultimately, yes.

It became a bird, yeah. The inhabitants of the Hebridean island of Egg attempted to drum up tourist trade in 2008 with the slogan, We're all egg-bound. The number of visitors actually fell by 25%. Kevin. I'll go for that.

Is the tourist slogan, Egg-bound, we're all egg-bound? It's because you're too young to know what egg-bound means, because it's an old person's word for being constipated. I would go to egg based on that tourist slogan. Is that true? No, it's not true. Sorry. No. How do people who are going to egg get round the fact

that they sort of imply that they're constipated? Do you have to say, I'm going to egg... I'm egg bound, but I'm not constipated? I think you'd avoid the phrase, you know, I'm Paris bound, but if you're going to egg, I'd just go, I'm going to egg. Are you egg-bound, then? Shut up. Actually, I've got the runs.

All the female eggs needed to produce the next generation of the human race could be contained within the shell of one chicken's egg. This was one of the less popular items on Heston Blumenthal's redesign menu for the Little Chef chain. Clowns protect their make-up from being copied thanks to the National Clown and Character Registry, where... They do. There is a directory of clowns' faces, and I guess the early form of copywriting it would be to draw your head on an egg

and keep it somewhere, like, in a database of clowns. Yes, you're absolutely right. It's not the old way of doing it, they still do it. And to get your clown face registered and painted on an egg, it costs you $18.95. And when the clown dies, they break the egg. Although, of course, I prefer to believe that whenever I break an egg, a clown dies.

Isn't that the loveliest thing I've ever heard? That there's a registry of clown faces on eggs? Pretty scary room to walk into. The phrase, go to work on an egg, has been adopted as the official slogan of the Thai sex industry. Oh, that's a fact, definitely. Do you know it isn't? I think they're going with naughty but nice. And that's the end of Lucy's lecture.

And Lucy, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Queen Victoria, she didn't have all of her things made out of gold, but she did eat an egg from a gold egg cup with a gold spoon. And the second truth is that all the female eggs needed to produce the next generation of the human race could be contained within the shell of one chicken's egg. That's putting all our eggs

in one egg. And that means, Lucy, you've scored two points. And that means, Lucy, you've scored two points. Now the turn of Kevin Bridges. Kevin comes from Glasgow, and although people often criticise the Scots for their unhealthy diet, Kevin has already reached the impressive age of 23. Your subject, Kevin, is Edinburgh, a Scottish city famous for its castle and international festival,

also known by some people as HERE. Edinburgh, Scotland's largest city.....is only slightly larger than the capital, Paisley. Edinburgh Castle was built in the early 20th century and is a source of confusion for many American tourists who believe it to be a high school because they hear gunfire every lunchtime. The Edinburgh Fringe began in 1946 as a hairdressing competition. Edinburgh is classed as a tropical city.

Temps in the winter are said to be among the highest in the UK. Nevertheless, Edinburgh Zoo was home to Britain's only polar bear named... Tom. Edinburgh Zoo does have a polar bear. I think it is Britain's only polar bear. You're absolutely right. Edinburgh Zoo used... It's actually no longer the home of Britain's only polar bear.

It was moved out of Edinburgh Zoo because it was deemed cruel to be in Edinburgh Zoo. Edinburgh's only city in the world to have given its prestigious Freedom of the City Award to a dog an award which was later revoked following a catalogue of incidents where the dog abused its freedom most notably by taking a dump on Arthur's seat

a difficult time for dogs in the 1700s came as a result of an Edinburgh butcher's dog going mental magistrates ordered the slaughter of all dogs even dogs which led to blind many dogs fled the city, seeking refuge in the nearby town of Livingston. A town which is now the dog capital of Europe.

In the past 50 years, seven of the winning dogs at the prestigious Crufts Championships have been from Edinburgh. Rod. Seven Edinburgh dogs have taken home trophies at Crufts. No. No, I didn't think so, again. Could it, Dan?

You've wrapped these up very well, Kevin. Do you actually find out where the dogs are from in Crufts? I don't know if that might be true. Oh, yeah, you do, yeah. I've never watched Crufts to the end. Or, indeed, from the start. I would watch it if there was a Scottish contestant. No, I better.

You'd watch Crufts if there was a Scottish dog in it. Oh. I think the whole nation would rather we don't win much, rather as a nation. Edinburgh's student population has a choice of four universities and ten colleges. Edinburgh University is in the country's top two. Tom. Aye, that sounds perfectly feasible. Edinburgh is a fine university. In the country's top two?

When you say country, do you mean Scotland? Well, Kevin... What country do you mean? When you say the countries top two on a national radio show, I would mean the UK. Right, yeah. What, on a national UK radio show? Kevin is in the uncomfortable position of asserting the sovereignty over Scotland of the Westminster Parliament.

Just to get a point on a panel show. To get a point on a panel show. He's essentially sold his countryman's freedom down the river. But Tom Rigglesworth lost a point, so that makes it worth it for me. Did I lose a point? Yes, you did lose a point,

because if he's talking about the country, the United Kingdom. Edinburgh is not in the top two. He lost a point, because if he's talking about the country, the United Kingdom, Edinburgh's not in the top two. He lost a point, I've lost my people. Yeah, have you gained the rest of the UK? Okay, the attitude of the other three of the city's universities is much the same. Edinburgh's the main university. Napier University have actually adopted the motto,

Napier University, for those of you too thick for Edinburgh University, yet too arrogant for a call centre. Scientists at the University of Edinburgh, Scotland say they can do anything. They can even turn peanut butter into diamonds. Rod. Well, you can turn peanut butter into diamonds. It's carbon. You're absolutely

right. Well done. can turn peanut butter into diamonds. It's carbon. You're absolutely right. Well done. Scientists at the University of Edinburgh say they can turn peanut butter into diamonds by subjecting it to pressures of 5 million atmospheres. Scientists at Napier University say they can make a pigeon explode by feeding it sodium bicarbonate. And that's the end of Kevin's lecture. Thank you.

You're welcome. You've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, Kevin, and they are that Edinburgh has four universities and ten colleges. That was a truth I was trying to... No, it wasn't. The second truth is that Edinburgh once gave the freedom of the city to a dog, which was Greyfriars Bobby, The second truth is that Edinburgh once gave the freedom of the city to a dog, which was Greyfriars Bobby,

that dog that for 14 years he lived on his master's grave, so loyal was he to his master. And so people saw him there, and it was such a moving sight that they built a little kennel for him, and they'd give him food. And it makes you sort of think, to what extent, a couple of years down the line, is he not just staying at the place where the lovely kennel and all the food is? And the third truth is that in the 1700s, as a result of an Edinburgh butcher's dog going mad, magistrates ordered the slaughter of all dogs.

Anyway, that means, nevertheless, Kevin, you've scored three points. Tony Blair was born in Edinburgh and was once arrested at Fettus College, having been mistaken for a burglar as he climbed into his dormitory using a ladder after having been out late. Amusingly, it wasn't his only brush with the law, as 40 years later, he was nearly impeached for war crimes.

Oh, my God. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Lucy Porter. In joint second place, with minus one point each, it's Rod Gilbert and Kevin Bridges. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, it is this week's winner, Tom Rigglesworth. And that's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests.

They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Lucy Porter, Kevin Bridges, Tom Rigglesworth and Rod Gilbert. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.