The Unbelievable Truth - 06x04 Clocks & Watches, Funerals, Goldfish, Joseph Stalin

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

06x04 18 October 2010 Chris Addison, Susan Calman, Rufus Hound, Armando Iannucci Clocks & Watches, Funerals, Goldfish, Joseph Stalin

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible facts and barely credible fibs. I'm David Mitchell. I'm joined this week by four comedians who can mix truth and fiction like an easy jet timetable. Please welcome Rufus Hound, Chris Addison, Susan Kalman and Armando Iannucci.

The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

We'll begin with Chris Addison. Chris, your subject is clocks and watches, described by my dictionary as mechanical or electronic devices for measuring or indicating time. Off you go, Chris. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Although the history of clocks is a long one, it's difficult to say how long, because no clocks have been invented at the beginning of it. Celebrity historical figure and unlikely winner of Rear of the Year 1498 Leonardo da Vinci, now most famous for sticking unlikely symbols in paintings to enthrall and fascinate lunatics and the easily pleased, was fond of novelty alarm clocks.

He himself invented one which woke the sleeper by rubbing their feet, one which had a miniature bellows and pipe system to mimic the dawn chorus, and one which flung the sleeper down a trapdoor into a pair of trousers and down to the kitchen table in time for his dog to butter him some toast. Susan? I think he was a fan of novelty alarm clocks, not as we know it. Is this a very boring episode of Star Trek? Novelty alarm clocks, Jim, but not as we know it. Is this a very boring episode of Star Trek? Novelty alarm clocks, Jim, but not as we know it.

Budgets have gone for everything, David. That's the problem. Yeah, I think he was a fan of novelty alarm clocks. Which, now I've said it out loud, it's stupid. To be fair, I don't think the truth is that Leonardo da Vinci was fond of novelty alarm clock. Armando. Did he make something that woke you up by blowing through bellows?

No. What he did, and I'm not giving anyone the point for this, is that he invented one which woke the sleeper up by rubbing their feet. That was the bit that was true. That's what I was about to go on to say. And one which flung the sleeper down a trapdoor into a pair of trousers and down to the kitchen table. He was the Wallace of the 15th century. Galileo was the grommet.

Are you saying that Galileo had no mouth? Within the context of the game, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Right, OK. Anyone want to buzz in on that? How did he ask Dismiller to let him go? That's a music reference, isn't it? I always spot them, everyone else in the room is smiling and nodding. I feel like I've landed on another planet. Sorry, are you claiming that you have no idea of the song Bohemian Rhapsody?

I haven't. There are High Court judges that know the lyrics to that song. And yet it's escaped you. And the old Bailey, they sing it at the start of every day. And in fact, they do the whole, we will not let you go. Instead of guilty. If I'm being honest, I have heard of the song Bohemian Rhapsody.

That's a Queen song, isn't it? It is! Well done, David. You score one point. Thank you very much. Chris, continue. Thanks, Richard. Before the invention of wristwatches... Another show stolen.

Sorry. That Armstrong and Webb look. Before the invention of wristwatches, celebrity historical figure and tree vandal George Washington used to carry a sundial around with him in order to tell the time. Since you can only tell the time with the sundial if it is placed correctly, Washington always faced east, and this is why he appears in profile on American coins.

1810 is when the first wristwatch was commissioned. 1812 is when it was delivered. This record of two minutes to build a watch has never been beaten. It included a built-in thermometer. This was to warn the wearer when they were getting dangerously angry whilst being kept on hold by BT technical support. Armando.

I just wonder if it's true that the first wristwatch was commissioned in 1810. Do you want to know if it's true? I'm saying I think that might be true. I'm saying that is true. It'm saying that is true. It is true, yes.

It was the first wristwatch, was commissioned in 1810 by Napoleon Bonaparte's sister, Queen Caroline of Naples. It was made by Swiss watchmaker Abraham Louis Bruget, whose company is still going, and it was delivered two years later. In the original pre-digital theatrical print of the first Star Wars film, Star Wars, there is a shot in the famous duel between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader in which Alec Guinness can clearly be seen wearing a wristwatch. Rufus. That is true.

No, it isn't. Where you can see a lot of wristwatches is in the film Zulu, where a lot of the extras playing the Zulu warriors were paid wristwatches for their contribution and quite naturally put on their wristwatches. Chris, carry on. Celebrity current figure, the Dalai Lama, or D-Lar, as he insists on being called

since his painful split with Jennifer Lopez, regularly boasts that not only is he the best in the world at Buddhism, but he is the only amateur in the world able to repair his own Patek Philippe watch. Armando, you? Dalai Lama claims to be some kind of expert at repairing his own watch. That's absolutely true. He didn't just claim it, did he?

Yeah. Dalai Lama has a range of pastimes, including meditating, gardening and repairing watches. He's the only non-specialist known to be able to repair his own Patek Philippe watch, a gift from Franklin D. Roosevelt. Thank you, Chris. And, Chris, at the end of that round,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past everyone else, which are... Three truths. Which are this lovely statistic. What do points mean? Nothing. Yes, and the three truths are... Leonardo da Vinci invented an alarm clock which woke the sleeper by rubbing their feet,

as discussed earlier. The second truth is that George Washington used to carry a sundial around with him in order to tell the time. This portable pocket-sized sundial was a gift from the French General Lafayette. And the third truth is that Queen Caroline's wristwatch was equipped with a thermometer. So that means, Chris, you've scored three points. OK, we turn now to Susan Calman. Your subject, Susan, is funerals,

ceremonies held in connection with the burial or cremation of a dead person. Funerals have always been a lot of fun for young and old alike and a great opportunity to let one's hair down. One third of Taiwanese funeral processions include a stripper. Funerals were listed in Playboy magazine as the third best place to pick up women. Rufus. Yeah, go on.

You did have the look on your face of a man who knows. I'm just saying, with all that grief comes some comfort. And that comfort is called Big Rufus. grief comes some comfort. And that comfort is called Big Rufus. I'm afraid that is an insight that Playboy magazine doesn't share with you.

I suppose you've got to know Hef personally. Because I imagine his funeral would be a great place to get off with women. Well, yes, let's all bear that in mind for the future. Susan. In the Candace tribe, it is not unknown for a husband to comfort his deceased wife the night before the funeral,

if you know what I mean. And at some Chinese funerals, the virility of a deceased male is expressed in explicit language or erotic dance, and in some instances, pornographic videos are shown to the Mormons. Chris. I'm going to go with that tribe one. The necrophiliac ceremonial. No, that doesn't happen.

They just say it doesn't. They're not going to tell you it does, are they? They're not going to admit to it. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that's never happened. I'm not going to. I'm not going to. This is a planet of billions of people, and I think it would be unutterably naive of me

to try and claim that at this very moment, at least someone isn't having sex with a dead body. But what I'm saying is that there is no such tradition for this tribe. Armando. Well, there was something about a pornographic funeral. That I... That I quite like the look of in a catalogue. There was different from that one.

That's absolutely true. At some Chinese funerals, there's all sorts of explicit language and erotic dance and porno videos are shown. It sort of makes sense, essentially. What they're saying is, someone's died, quick everyone, have sex, make more people. And population rise, that really has worked for China. In Croatia, a brussel sprout is placed in the dead person's mouth

in case they wake and are hungry. Go on. No, that doesn't happen. I don't know if it's perversity, but I think people are less inclined to eat things that they've just found in their mouth. Yes. They don't know quite how it got there.

Yes. My instinct, then, under such circumstances, is to remove it from my mouth rather than to think, ooh, bonus food. If it said a marshmallow. Yes. That would have more sugar in it for energy. Does Bear, what's his name, Bear Gryllis or whoever it is that goes into the wilds, does he recommend marshmallows in case you die?

I was told by a soldier that without a well-known German brand of jellied sweet, the army would fall over. What's a well-known brand of German sweet? Haribo. Well, the army marches on Haribo. I think an ice cream van should accompany the army wherever it goes. I think...

Because it would just perk them up a bit. I think there's a noise issue there, though, isn't there? Well, you don't actually drop the ice cream van behind enemy lines. Because the moment anybody hears that music, you run that way, don't you? Right. That's the way distract the enemy with ice cream yeah plus also they'd be taking an awful lot of time finding the right change

what you'd have to do is drop ice cream vans behind enemy lines which don't have a lot of change of their own yeah absolutely because otherwise that'd be a disaster if they're easily able to yeah to change all the notes that the Taliban will be presenting for their various 99s or magnums or whatever. And if there's one thing we know is fundamentally true about the Taliban, it's that they hate change. Having solved that problem, Back to funerals. The Roman poet Virgil once held a funeral for his pet fly, complete with pallbearers and lengthy eulogies. Chris, that definitely happened.

Those people were insane. Yes, that did definitely happen. Yes, well done. They weren't... Virgil wasn't insane because it was a tax dodge. Because in ancient Rome cemetery land was not taxable. So by interring a fly on the land surrounding his private villa, Virgil

turned his home into a burial ground officially and thus made it tax exempt. Odd things people have requested are put in their coffin include Germaine Greer. But the three most common requests by people planning their own funerals are to be cremated with their pets ashes to have a mobile phone in the coffin and for someone to ensure that they are dead armando i think someone wanted a mobile phone buried with them that is true the three most common requests by people planning their own funerals are to be cremated with their pets ashes to have a mobile phone buried with them. That is true. The three most common requests by people planning their own funerals

are to be cremated with their pet's ashes, to have a mobile phone in the coffin, and for someone to ensure that they're dead. Well done. Apparently, requests to be buried with one's pet's ashes are adhered to only if the pet is already deceased. Mary Smithington of Hartlepool attended the birth of her grandchildren

and great-grandchildren despite having passed away 20 years before as her family turned her into an occasional table. Chris? I don't think her family turned her into an occasional table. Do you? I don't think they turned her into an occasional funeral guest. No.

But I made it up because I like the phrase occasional table so that entire thing was just an excuse to say occasional table. Everyone like the phrase occasional table, so that entire thing was just an excuse to say occasional table. Everyone should have an occasional table. So when you come home, you say, where's the mail, darling? It's on the occasional table. Wouldn't that just cheer you up? No, not really.

We had a nest of tables in our house, had to get rent-a-kill rent. Right. Right. In Papua New Guinea, the four people traditionally eat the bodies of their dead relatives, including the brain. They tend to eat the brain raw. Chris. I think those people do that horrible thing. You're absolutely right.

Yes. Thank you, Susan. And at the end of that round, Susan, you've smuggled one truth past the rest of the panel, and that is that one third of Taiwanese funeral processions include a stripper. Suspicions are that several of Taiwan's undertakers are members of triad gangs, and so essentially have been forcing people

to hire exotic dancers for their funerals. But it's also linked, I think, to the Chinese practice of associating things sexual and pornographic with death. Anyway, Susan, that means you've scored one point. Next up, one of the funniest comedians in Britain, if only to look at, it's Rufus Hound. After winning Let's Dance for Sport Relief, in which he performed a routine dressed up as Cheryl Cole,

Rufus was also voted Celebrity Transvestite of the Year, narrowly beating Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. And if you enjoy Rufus on this show, why not catch a little more of him on Unbelievable Truth, The Party Continues with Rufus Hound over on IDB2. Your subject, Rufus, is goldfish, ornamental aquarium and pond fish related to the carp and native to East Asia. Goldfish, or to give them their correct Latin name,

Parvum pisci's aurum, are the least sociable of all sea dwellers apart from the hermit crab, who has eschewed modern society in favour of nipping at things and existential crises. Contrary to popular belief, the natural habitat for goldfish is Croydon. With its excellent transportation links and lower house prices the goldfish council decided in 1992 that croydon was better than rivers and streams as not only was all the bobbing about making them seasick but it also had its own weather spoons the mass exodus of goldfish into the heart of london's commuter bill has not been

without its problems the natives of croydon have reacted badly to the invasion with some local pubs sporting signs that read no blackfish, no goldfish, no dogfish. One local councillor complained all they do is come over here pointlessly floating about with their mouths open. Well, as a native Croydoner and council member I can tell you that's my job

and they're not having it. I'm pushing for a law to stop them breeding When asked how this might be achieved the counselor responded paint them a different color than the other goldfish who then won't want to Make with them or stick things up their noses and call them names Chris have you said anything true yet? I can exclusively reveal that he has. Would you like to suggest what? The Latin name of goldfish. No.

It's going to be extraordinary if the whole Croydon thing is true, isn't it? This, understandably, has had some effect on the second generation of goldfish immigrants. There's tell of some hiding in darkened rooms and becoming whiter in the hope they'll fit in. Chris. I think goldfish in darkened rooms become whiter. They do. Others work in call centres for major utilities companies

where their utter disinterest in helping customers combined with their lack of a human soul has seen many promoted right to the very top of their industry. Orlando. I think it's true they don't have a human soul. Is it an assertion that Rufus has made? I would suggest that the existence of a human soul is disproven, therefore

how can something that doesn't exist exist and therefore not exist? The existence of a human soul is disproven, therefore how can something that doesn't exist exist and therefore not exist? The existence of a human soul is disproven? Well, there's no... It's difficult to care about the game now. I don't think I'm getting to the point there, Armando, because I say that what Rufus was saying was because of their lack of

a human soul, that makes them good for a call centre, which isn't the case, because, I mean, basically, they can't hold a phone. So they can have those headpieces, it's fine. They wouldn't fit a goldfish. They're adjustable. Where are the ears? If they had a... They could have, like, a speakerphone thing.

You use eyes to use speakerphone, a spy phone or something. I'm going with this, they can't talk. In some American airports, they have sniffer horses, little horses that sniff out drugs, and at one point, people would have said, you can get a horse to sniff out drugs, and they have, because people opened their mind to the possibility of what animals could do. I tell you what, I would have been among those people saying,

I don't think you can get a horse to sniff out drugs. However, if they say to me, which do you think is more likely to happen? A horse is going to sniff out drugs, or goldfish are going to run out drugs. However, if they say to me, which do you think is more likely to happen? A horse is going to sniff out drugs or goldfish are going to run call centres? I'd go, well, they both seem pretty pie in the sky to me, but on balance, I'm going with the sniffer horse. To be fair, you were just told about the sniffer horse, so this is hardly a fair comparison. I swear blind I would have considered the sniffer horse more plausible than the goldfish corset. Well, I can't prove it. I can't prove it, can I? I can't prove it. You've put me in an impossible position.

Whose go is it? But a paucity of jobs means an increase in crime, with shoals of goldfish working street corners looking for trade. Fish pimps have taught them to stand up straight in the water in skimpy undergarments holding little signs that read, Once you've had goldfish, it never gets oldish. The goldfish's sexual prowess was taught to them in the Palace of Versailles by Madame de Pompadour, originally herself known as Jean Fish.

It was this coincidence of nomenclature that young Jean read as kinship and provided a safe house for some young Chinese immigrant goldfish. Chris? I think if you translate her name out of the French into English it would be rendered Jean Fish. You're absolutely right. She was basically the first person in France

to own a pet goldfish. She was known as Jean Poisson, which was why she was given the fish, because her surname was Fish. Brilliant. A lot of people give you dogs for Christmas. You laugh, but it turns out they're for life. Only the dog's life, though. And David will just, you know, dispatch him. Yeah.

I'll kill a dog soon as I look at it. Thank you, Rufus. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past everyone else, which are that, firstly, goldfish, like many other fish, are susceptible to seasickness. Apparently, if you put a fish in a bucket and spin it round, it'll throw up.

Ever seen a fish throw up? You haven't lived. The second is that sticking things up goldfish's noses, well, I don't want to give the impression that I torture fish. These are facts I've been given. But you'd happily kill a dog as soon as you look at it. I'd kill a dog as soon as I look at it, but humanely.

Anyway. The second truth is that sticking things up goldfish's noses will stop them breeding. In 1976, researchers... Researchers discovered that if you bung up a goldfish's nose so that it cannot smell its sexual behavior decreases significantly wow that's fascinating and the third truth is that goldfish have been taught to swim on their tails as if standing up in the water in fact they've been taught to do many of the things you can teach dolphins to do and one goldfish in pittsburgh pennsylvania has been taught to swim through hoops

and tunnels, push an underwater soccer ball into a goal, and fetch a ball from the bottom of the aquarium to the surface. And yet you say they can't run call centres. Yes. Well, tell you what, Chris, if you spend 19 hours on hold to a dolphin,

and then you tell me that it would be better with goldfish. I'm not sure that was a dolphin. I think that might have been a fax machine. That means, Rufus, that you've scored three points. Wow. Goldfish are opportunistic eaters and will not stop eating of their own accord, continuing until their intestines become completely blocked. For some reason, an image of Eamon Holmes has popped into my head.

The BBC would like to apologise to Eamon for that joke, although he probably didn't hear it, as this show does go out at tea time. Now it's the turn of Armando Iannucci. Your subject, Armando, is Joseph Stalin, ruthless Soviet communist leader and ruler of the USSR from the death of Lenin in the early 1920s until his own death in the early 1950s. Do you know the name Stalin is actually

derived from the word Stalin, which means Stalin, an obscure creep who ruled with a heart of stone, a kidney of alabaster, one webbed foot and two bushy eyebrows of sheer terror. Susan. Webbed feet. Yes.

Other famous webbed footers include Dan Aykroyd and Ashton Kutcher. And, you know, ducks. To give you some idea of the depths of Stalin's hideousness, it's worth noting he frequently complained to Leningrad District Council for the ridiculous Wednesday half-day closing at the body pits. And he resigned... And he resigned from the Communist Party because of its pointless ban on bank robberies,

stating in his letter that it was health and safety gone mad. Rufus. I reckon the Communist Party of that time, they would have outlawed bank robberies. That was how people were funding themselves. That's absolutely right. Well done. Yeah. Stalin also had a torturer tortured

for torturing using less than five orifices. Chris? I think he had a torturer tortured. He probably had a torturer tortured, but I don't think he had a torturer tortured for torturing using less than five orifices. I wasn't saying he did. Right.

But that's what Armando was saying, and you're supposed to buzz if you think what Armando says is true. I do think what he said was true, up to the point where he stopped saying things that I thought was true. Right. But you've got to take the full thing he's saying. I'll do what I like. It's like, he cut his hair with a machine gun.

I believe he did cut his hair. I know. You know what I mean? you can undermine the whole process if you're just taking individual almost down to syllables i think he did cut also otherwise he would have had to have eaten all of his food in big mouth yes i think he cut his i think he by the way i'd just like to'd just like to remind you all that no one has said anything about hair cutting with a machine gun other than me. And I'm not playing the game. I'm the

sort of icy host. You see yourself as a sort of Anne Robinson figure, do you? A sort of, yes, a kind of, yeah, an Anne Robinson figure, but still partially organic. What part isn't organic, just out of interest? My metal penis.

Isn't that a Kaiser Chiefs album? I'm very pleased with my metal penis, but it certainly gets through the diesel. Carry on. Does that mean, if it's diesel, is it taxed more highly than the unleaded metal penis that you were previously using? I try and say I should be able to use the agricultural diesel

because it's used for breeding purposes. As I have failed to breed with it, I'm not allowed. It's classed as a recreational vehicle. Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous, really, because, I mean, I've never seen anyone have any fun with it. Right, um... Carry on.

You were talking about Stalin earlier. Yes, and... Once, as a local weatherman, he achieved a 100% record for predicting the weather by asking anyone who experienced weather different from his weather prediction to ring in, have their calls traced and get shot. One of the most populous tourist sites in Russia

is the Moscow Tower of Waxwork Bastards, where 20,000... LAUGHTER Where 20,000 people a day trundle past wax images of famous bastards such as Stalin, Genghis Khan and Conrad Black. Meanwhile, in Lithuania,

you can visit Stalin World, a barbed wire stretch of ground where you can listen to military music and get shouted at in the rain by authoritarian staff. Chris? I think Stalin World exists. It does. Chris. I think Stalin World exists. It does. Yes, well done. Stalin World's official title is Grutus Park,

and it's a sculpture garden of Soviet-era statues and recreations of Soviet gulag prison camps. Thank you, Armando. At the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle one truth past everyone else, which is that Stalin's only regular job was as a weatherman. At the age of 21, Stalin became a weatherman at the Tiflis Meteorological Observatory. So that means you scored one point. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points,

we have Rufus Hound. In joint second place, with minus one point each, it's Susan Kalman and Armando Iannucci. And in first place, with an unassailable one point, it's this week's winner, Chris Addison. And that's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth.

Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Chris Addison, Susan Carman, Armando Iannucci and Lucas Howe. Thank you.