The Unbelievable Truth - 07x01 Flies, Breasts, Enid Blyton, Curry

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

07x01 4 April 2011 Marcus Brigstocke, Lucy Porter, Alan Davies, Jack Dee Flies, Breasts, Enid Blyton, Curry

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game about lying that's packed with more cant than Bertrand Russell's bookshelf and more whoppers than Eamon Holmes leaving Burger King. As this is a BBC show, the aim is to inform, educate and entertain, a solemn promise made back in the 1920s by Lord Reith to Lady Reith on their wedding night.

Here to try and cut through all the layers of varnish with the tenacity of Dale Winton's facial scrub, please welcome, in the order in which their names occur in this list of names, Lucy Porter, Marcus Brigstock, Jack D and Alan Davis. Lucy Porter, Marcus Brigstock, Jack Dee and Alan Davis.

The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Marcus Brigstock. Apparently, Marcus has a very good impression of DJ Tim Westwood, quite rightly satirising the desperation of a

middle-aged white man striving for street credibility. In it. Marcus, your subject is flies, described by my dictionary as small flying insects in possession of a single pair of wings, six legs and large compound eyes. Off you go, Marcus. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Right, flies. Blue-bottle flies enjoy banging into closed windows. Research in California has shown that blue-bottles think it looks funny but don't understand where it crosses the line into being irritating.

A bit like when Richard Hammond speaks. Naturist David Attenborough is afraid of most flies, believing... Jack? I think that last one was going to be true. What, that David Attenborough's a naturist? Yeah. No, that he's... What was he? He's afraid of flies. That was actually not going to be true.

No? No. But, you know, you were very quick. Actually, there's no way of telling that it isn't going to be true at some point in the future. Do you think David Attenborough might suddenly develop a fear of flies? That was my premise. It'd be great if it kicked in really suddenly,

halfway through a new series of Life on Earth. I'm standing just... Oh, Jesus, what's that? Is that Tim Westwood? Yes. Very fortunately for David Attenborough, and unfortunately for you, Jack, he's not terrified of flies. I was going to go on to say

he believes they are symbols of the undead come to carry him to the other side. But he doesn't. He doesn't. He doesn't he doesn't he doesn't greek philosopher aristotle refused to accept that flies had any more than four legs i'm inclined to believe that aristotle didn't believe the thing about the legs yeah no you're absolutely right aristotle refused to accept that flies had any more than four legs apparently it was believed for over a thousand years. Such was his standing that no one else bothered to count how many legs are flying.

Two, three, four, five, six. I don't know why you're bothering counting because Aristotle has already counted and he says there's four and that's good enough for me. Jeff Goldblum spent a month living as an actual fly in preparation for his role in Jurassic Park. Fruit flies have been recorded as behaving very erratically when drunk.

They swerve about in a chaotic fashion, buy stuff they don't need on eBay in the middle of the night, and several of them have been banned from Cardiff City Centre after 11pm. Alan. I bet that's true about fruit flies. They're always testing things on fruit flies. They've got the same DNA as us or something. I think it was on QI. I bet that's true about fruit flies. They're always testing things on fruit flies. They've got the same DNA as us or something. I think it was on QI. I don't know.

Yeah, well, you're absolutely right. They can get drunk and then they fly in a swervy way. Scientists dubbed those whose behaviour was most quickly and dramatically affected as cheap date flies. And so rude to the fly. They don't know what those flies are like on the inside. Until they drive into them. Geckos hate the taste of fly and only ever eat them as a dare. The more they can eat, the sexier they look to other geckos. Some geckos have see-through bellies so that they can lord it over other geckos and show how many flies

they've caught. It's like when students keep empty beer bottles in their horrid rooms. Lucy? Just haven't buzzed for a while, or at all. See-through bellies, I think, might be true. You're absolutely right, it is. I feel you shouldn't get the point because you only buzzed because you hadn't buzzed for a while flies will mate almost anywhere though oddly they are very judgmental about the practice of dogging due to a fear of being suddenly trapped and an exhibitionist streak most flies prefer to mate in the middle of a room rather than in a corner i'm the same fruit flies are players.

Alan. I start regretting buzzing now. Because I had a couple of early successes, I got some confidence, and now I think I've blown it. You're like Aristotle, aren't you? I'm very much like Aristotle. But maybe we'll be fool enough to believe you. Well, is it true that they don't like to feel they might be suddenly trapped in the corner,

and so they'd rather mate in the middle of the room? Yes, that is absolutely true. Well done. Is it also true that Marcus likes to do it in the middle of the room? Come in the middle of the room, Marcus, and let's see what happens. Says the man who lived in a windmill. Fruit flies are players. They produce sperm which are 20 times their own body length

and measure almost two and a half inches. They have testicles which make up 11% of their body mass, which even the most conservative biologists have described as, frankly, heroic. Open that one up. We can't let that one go. I think 11% of their own body mass, I'd say, is about right for a pair of testicles. That's the going rate, isn't it? Or is it just me?

Well, come in the middle of the room and we'll check. Yes, absolutely right. Flies have testicles that make up 11% of their body mass, and they also produce sperm that are 20 times the length of their bodies. Thank you, Marcus. So, Marcus, I'm afraid at the end of that round you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel. Which means you've scored no points.

Oh. It's just an applause for the fun runner. King Pepi II of Egypt had himself surrounded by naked slaves smeared with honey in order to stop flies biting his own body. That at least was the explanation King Pepe came up with when the Queen opened the door unexpectedly. That's one of the few excuses Silvio Berlusconi hasn't yet used, isn't it? Okay, we turn now to Lucy Porter. Your subject, Lucy, is breasts. Those two fleshy, milk-secreting, glandular organs on the chest of a woman. You're listening... You're listening to Porn On 4.

Yes, those two fleshy... I'll say it again. Those two fleshy milk-secreting glandular organs on the chest of a woman. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Lucy. Who doesn't love breasts? To lose Lautrec, that's who.

As an adolescent, the female members of his family would amuse themselves by suffocating the diminutive Lautrec in their cleavages. As a result, Lautrec developed such severe mastrophobia that he could only paint women with extremely flat chests. A similar distaste for bosoms has been observed in other short men such as Dudley Moore and Tom Cruise. I have a feeling that Tom Cruise probably isn't massive fan of breasts, what with him being gay. No, Marcus, that's not true at all.

Tom Cruise isn't gay. That saying that is in itself a joke. Of course it's a joke, David. It's why I said it. Had I meant it, it wouldn't have been a joke and I wouldn't have said it on a comedy programme. Of course, we all glory in that small man's heterosexuality. On a comic programme such as this, we can say Tom Cruise is gay. Gay as you like.

He's so gay, just for laughter, without for a moment implying that Tom Cruise is gay. He is a creepy Scientologist, though, isn't he? In common parlance, the gap between a woman's breasts is known as the Panama Canal, the Spoonrest or the Frankie Valley. Although... Although its official name is, of course, the Intermammary Sulcus. Jack. Sorry, that sounded fairly likely, the intramammary sulcus. Jack? Sorry, that sounded fairly likely.

The intramammary sulcus? Yes, that's absolutely right. That is the name for the gap between a woman's breasts. And it was only coined in 1997 by the International Federation of Associations of Anatomists. Don't you think that's terribly recent for a name of a part of the human body, 1997? I mean, like foot and arm.

That's a lot older. That must have been back in the 1920s or something. Before that, doctors just referred to it as the... In medical slang, British doctors refer to differently sized breasts as S and E, standing for Sid and Eddie, a reference to 1970s double act Little and Large. Come off it. In recent years, the BMA reports that this has been updated to H and C or Horn and Cordon.

The first exposed breasts on television were those of film star Jane Mansfield, who exhaled at the 1957 Academy Awards and accidentally let it all hang out. Pierced nipples are not just a recent fad. In Victorian times, it was... Hello. For listeners at home, Alan's finger is trembling over the button.

Do you want me to carry on, or do you want a minute? No, I don't really, no. It won't work if we have to keep giving people a minute. Okay, all right. Just feel free to buzz in. Pierced nipples are not just... Oh, God, did I not make that clear? Pierced nipples are not just a recent fad.

In Victorian times, it was common among society women to get their intimate piercings done by a jeweller. my local jeweler wouldn't even change the battery in my watch marcus i think that maybe uh intimate piercings were the done thing well you're absolutely right they were certainly when i say get in i mean yeah it was in the in the 1890s it was fashionable for women to have their nipples pierced by a jeweller. These bosom rings were often joined together by a small gold chain and were thought to enlarge the appearance of the breasts and keep them in a state of constant excitement. A fashion feature in the Times gave this advice on pierced nipples.

One looks fine and dandy, two makes you look like a chest of drawers. The mermaid on the original Starbucks logo had bare breasts, but the logo was changed to make it more high street friendly, in the same way that KFC abandoned their original image of Colonel Sanders naked from the waistcoat down. Alan. The one about the Starbucks thing. Is absolutely right.

Yes, the first version of the Starbucks logo is based on a 17th century Norse woodcut and had a topless siren on it. In the subsequent version, the breasts have been covered by her flowing hair. Is it true that Starbucks was a character in Moby Dick who liked coffee? I don't know.

I think it is. I think you're used to working with Stephen Fry. Yeah, when I turn to the host and he always knows. Well, if he doesn't know this, so you've got an army of researchers going, yes, yes, yes, yes! We're Googling it now! Kill for time!

Has anyone read Moby Dick here? He was the bosun. He was the bosun. Thank you very much. There you go. And he liked coffee, presumably. I don't. All right.

Well, you failed me, mini-Google. So which one was Pret-a-Manger? I think he was the one who drowned in mayonnaise. Jordan's breasts are insured for £1 million, Dolly Parton's breasts are insured for £375,000, and John McCrick's are insured for £3.10. Marcus? Yeah, I think Jordan's breasts might be insured for £375,000 and John McCrick's are insured for £3.10. Marcus? Yeah, I think Jordan's breasts might be insured for a million quid.

No, unfortunately, Jordan's breasts aren't insured for a million pounds, but Dolly Parton's are for £375,000. Each? No, between them. Do they insure the intermemory sucklers? I don't know whether she's insured that. It would be silly not to, because otherwise then you've just got two loose ones, haven't you?

When she makes the claim, that's what the loss adjuster will say. Oh, well you see the thing is you didn't insure the intramarital suckless. So, it's not valid. If you don't go fully comp, you know, if you just do fire and theft. Fire and theft. Rolf Harris has admitted that when performing

the song Two Little Boys, he always had to suppress a giggle, as that was the pet name he'd given to his wife's fun bags. On the other hand, Mrs Harris had trouble keeping a straight face whenever he sings Tie Me Kangaroo Down. Jack? I actually think that's probably true about Rolf Harris. I think he might have done that.

It sort of has a ring of truth to it, but no, it's not true. But I think it's... Thank you for prolonging the period of time for which we had to imagine Rolf Harris in a sexual context. Yes. I can just imagine him getting on with it like that, you know. Yeah. Thank you, Lucy.

And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are... Is it going to be jane mansfield because i'm going to be yes yeah the first exposed breasts on television were those of film star jane mansfield at the 1957 academy awards there is some debate about how was the fuss at the time well i'm i think it did yeah and there is some debate about how accidental this was with mansfield attacked in the media at the time for her repeated accidental exposures in front of press photographers.

And the other truth is that Dolly Parton's breasts, as mentioned before, are insured for £375,000. So that means, Lucy, you've scored two points. According to a recent survey, British women have the biggest breasts in Europe. Unfortunately, so do British men. It's now the turn of Alan Davis. Alan is perhaps best known for playing Jonathan Creek,

an advisor to a stage magician who also solves crimes. If you've never seen the show, it's a bit like watching Paul Daniels. One or two magic tricks and a strong sense that someone should be arrested. Your subject, Alan, is Enid Blyton, one of the most successful children's authors of the 20th century, with book sales of over 600 million copies and the fifth most translated author worldwide. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Alan. Enid Blyton's family home, Old Hedges, was supposed to be haunted by the ghost of Alfred Lord Tennyson. She claimed he often helped her with the endings of her naughty books. Jack.

Sorry to come in so quickly, but I think Old Hedges is the name of her house. Her butler was called Benson. I don't know... I used to love that show. That was brilliant. I don't know the name of her butler, but her home was called Green Hedges, not Old Hedges. So half right.

And in fact, the name Green Hedges for her home was chosen by her readers. Oh, God. I sort of hate that fact. Yes. She started all this email, phone in, give us your bloody opinion. What shall I call my house?

Think of a name yourself, Enid Blyton. On Blue Peter, at the Queen's Silver Jubilee, they had a competition to name a baby elephant. And quite a lot of people wanted to call it Jumbilee. And it was obviously the best idea, but they went with Jubilee, because the majority said that was the best idea. Let it go, Alan. Let it go.

with Jubilee because the majority said that was the best idea. Let it go, Alan. Let it go. I don't know how that got through. Is the elephant still alive? I don't know. Stephen wouldn't know if he was here. Enid had an eccentric love of sport. At the seaside she would swim fully clothed,

but at home, she enjoyed playing tennis in the nude. Blighton even bought her own golf course to get a bit of privacy after taking a fancy to naked golf. She later took up nude billiards, but never in mixed company. Despite being a hard-working writer, her life revolved around her family. Her daughters called her the perfect mum. To help her husband through bouts of depression, she would read him one of her stories every night it was always the same story five pull themselves together

her daughters later changed their family name to avoid being teased. Both achieved modest success as Dame Helen Mirren and Anne Whittacombe. Lucy. I think the Blighton girls changed their names. I don't think they did, no. And they certainly didn't become Helen Mirren or Anne Whittacombe. But she wasn't a perfect mother at all. Her daughter Imogen has been quoted as saying,

the truth is Enid Blighton was arrogant, insecure, pretentious, very skilled at putting difficult or unpleasant things out of her mind and without a trace of maternal instinct. Presumably that's just before she pushed her into a canal. When several house fires were started by children reading the latest naughty book under the covers by candlelight, Enid Blyon invented merchandising and to this day blighton fans can protect themselves against fires with a special edition

noddy smoke alarm which comes with its own little blue fire extinguisher with a bell on the top today in germany noddy is known as dinkle kopf it's called cc in spain and wee wee in france the movie rights to her best-selling book the magic faraway wishing pond were snapped up by steven spielberg after eight years of rewrites and modifications the film was eventually shot Rites to her best-selling book, The Magic Faraway Wishing Pond, were snapped up by Steven Spielberg. After eight years of rewrites and modifications, the film was eventually shot and released with the title Schindler's List. Ina Blighton's most successful titles were Leave It Out, Mr Twiddle, Dame Slapp and Her School, The Unwelcome Caravans,

and Fun with Uncle Nat. Buckinghamshire police often consulted her to help solve difficult cases they were impressed by the detective work shown by the children in a series of secret five stories thanks to enid blighton's contribution the local police saw an impressive 60 rise in their arrests of foreigners and gypsies thank you alan well well alan at the end of that round you've managed to smuggle all five truths and they are firstly that enid blighton is widely reported to have enjoyed playing tennis in the nude a common practice in those days among the more louche members of the middle classes, apparently. The second truth is that Blyton and her second husband bought the Isle of Purbeck golf course in 1950, so it's true that she bought a golf course.

The third truth is that Blyton fans can protect themselves against fires with a special edition Noddy smoke alarm. Fourth truth is that Noddy is known as wee wee in france and the fifth truth is that one of blighton's successful titles was dame slap and her school among other amusing titles are rubber long tails the naughtiest girl is a monitor, and my personal favourite, Mr Pink Whistle interferes. And that means, Alan... I'm going straight on Amazon for that one. That means, Alan, that you scored five points.

Now it's the turn of Jack D. Before he became a comedian, Jack wondered about becoming a priest. After all, both jobs involve standing up, talking to people and putting life into some sort of perspective. In fact, it's only when you look at DVD sales that the choice becomes a no-brainer. And that comes from a new range of jokes being tested by Radio 4 entitled Humour Involving Priests But With No Implication Of Child Rape.

Your subject, Jack, is curry, a pungent dish of vegetables, onions, meat or fish flavoured with spices or curry powder and often eaten with rice. Off you go, Jack. In some parts of the world, cow pat is used as an ingredient in curry. I'm fairly sure that one part of the world that does that is the Calcutta experience in Wolverhampton. In 1912, Wilbur Scoville discovered a scientific scale in which to measure the heat of chillies. Marcus. I think that's correct about measuring the scale of the heat of chillies. The Scoville

scale. Yes. Yes, you chillies. The Scoville scale. Yes. Yes, you're absolutely right. Scoville's process was actually quite simple. The chilli was added to sugar and water solution, which was then diluted until the solution no longer tasted hot. The level of dilution needed was made into the scale we use today. However, many have questioned its precision as it relies on subjective taste.

So, yeah, there you go. That's true. If you have a chilli and it's burning you you should have a spoonful of sugar there's that song in there about a spoonful of sugar helps the madras go down sort of related the hottest curry in the world is from gujarat it's called kakin beddy It can cause temporary blindness when eaten and most people can tolerate no more than one mouthful. In Japan, you can buy a soft drink called ramune in a lemonade and curry flavour.

Sharwoods brought out a new range of curry sauces called bund and then realised the name translates as arse in Punjabi. Alan. The ramoon drink, is that a real one? It is a real one, yes. Phew! It's known for its distinctive bottle, which is sealed with a marble, and its unusual flavours include wasabi and octopus, as well as curry.

Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Yeah. Not as horrible as a curry-flavoured condom, though. Yeah. I've always thought that sounded like the most horrible thing that you could invent. Even more horrible than the atomic bomb. I have to really make things absolutely clear for you, don't you? Or you would just come in and destroy it with your laser-like logical art.

No, things you can eat, obviously. I don't think you're supposed to eat the curry-flavoured condom. I think maybe you can taste it, but don't eat it. Is there such a thing as a curry-flavoured condom? Yes. That must be what I had at the Calcutta experience in Manhattan. I thought that lamb was chewy. They pour all the curry in it and tie it up and it's kind of like a haggis.

The late Magnus Magnusson opened two curry houses in Reykjavik, both of which are still in business. Lucy? I'd like to believe that was true. It's not. I'm sorry. I mean, he may have opened them, but as we know, nothing is still in business. Britain exports chicken tikka masala to India.

I feel like all of these are true. They all sound completely plausible. You have to buzz. That was Jack. I know, I saw that. It's OK. We're pressing another man's buzzer on Radio 4. You could be off the network for that. That's absolutely outrageous.

Kenneth Williams is spinning in his grave. That's terrible. Bono, of U2, eats samosas every day when he's on tour. He often eats four or five before he's satisfied and has searched the world2, eats samosas every day when he's on tour. He often eats four or five before he's satisfied and has searched the world for extra large samosas so that he can eat just one big one, but he still hasn't found what he's looking for. Technically, naan bread is cake.

Alan. Technically, naan bread is cake. No, it isn't. It is, in fact, the Persian word for bread. In Swiss versions of the board game Cluedo, Colonel Mustard is known as Madam Curry. Absolutely ridiculous thing to say. Take the game serious.

It's estimated that each year, curry eaters in Britain produce enough methane to power the whole of Milton Keynes for a week. Thank you, Jack. At the end of that round, Jack, you've managed to smuggle three truths past everyone else, which are that in 2003, Sharwoods did launch a Bund range of sauces, spent £6 million advertising them,

and then realised that the literal translation of the Punjabi word Bund is arse or anus. The second truth is that Britain exports chicken tikka masala to India. Chicken tikka masala originated in the UK. And the third truth that Jack managed to smuggle is that in Swiss versions of the board game Cluedo, Colonel Mustard...

Colonel Mustard is known as Madam Curry. And that means, Jack, you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Marcus Brickstock. In third place, with minus two points, it's Lucy Porter. In second place, with nought points, it's Jack Dee. And in first place, with an unassailable four points it's this week's winner alan davis and that's about it for this week all that remains is for me to thank our guests they

were all truly unbelievable and that's the unbelievable truth goodbye the unbelievable truth was devised by john naysmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Marcus Brigstocke, Lucy Porter, Alan Davies and Jack Dean. The chairman's script was written by Colin Swash and John Finnemore and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.