The Unbelievable Truth - 07x02 Dogs, The Sun, Lewis Carroll, Lobsters

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

07x02 11 April 2011 Henning Wehn, Sue Perkins, Clive Anderson, Graeme Garden Dogs, The Sun, Lewis Carroll, Lobsters

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. On the programme, our panellists will try to pull the wool over each other's eyes with even more enthusiasm than Martin McGuinness at a balaclava convention. Let's meet our four fibbing panellists, each competing to grow a nose even longer than the love child of Pinocchio and Barbara Streisand. Please welcome Graham Garden, Henning Vein, Sue Perkins and Clive Anderson. The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Henning Weyn, a comedian from Germany.

Henning's latest DVD is entitled 1,000 Years of German Humour. Certificate PG, running time, two minutes. As a German... Boring. Is that the strap line? I never claimed it would be real time. As a German in England,

Henning spends half the time full of anger about the way we stereotype Germans and the other half full of beer and sausages. Your subject, Henning, is the dog, a carnivorous mammal related to the wolf and commonly used by humans for companionship, hunting and protection. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Henning. The word dog is an anagram of Jesus.

They're just working it out. Dogs are mentioned 40 times in the Bible, but there are no mentions of cats, dinosaurs, Nessie, Ken Dodds, Diddy Man, or the Wombles, and only two mentions of Barbara Windsor. Clive. Well, there's certainly no mention of the Wombles in the Bible, so I'd like to spot that as a truth.

That is indeed a truth, and it is part of a wider truth there, that dogs are mentioned 40 times and there are no mentions of cats, dinosaurs, Nessie, Ken Dodds, Diddy Men, the Wombles, or recycling. Are they in the Noah's Ark? Do they get a mention in there? Yeah, two of them, I believe. Two of them. Yeah. Apparently there are around 40 references to dogs depending on which translation you use.

Dogs are regarded as a holy animal in Essex. Particularly in Barkin. There is a huge variety of dog languages. Where an English dog might say woof by way of greeting, German dogs say wow wow, and Korean dogs say I taste holly bull. Well, anyway, to understand dogs, you need to study their faces. A dog...

Sue. To understand dogs, you do need to study their faces. Well, this, I must say, is not something I have on my list as true. But you have to say... It's more their tails, isn't it, you need to study if the tails are wagging or not. Be honest, Henning, it would be a perverse study of dogs that ignored the face in time. If they're wearing a cone. I think you can study their faces even when they're wearing a cone.

Depends on how long the cone is. I suppose a very short-sighted person couldn't study the face of a dog wearing a very long cone, you're right. But no, I think I'm going to give Sue a point. In order to study dogs, you do have to... Well, if she waits another half sentence and buzzes in then, that's a fact then. That's a compromise, isn't it?

OK. A dog can make 100 unique facial expressions. And I can list all of them. Sue, under instructions from Henning, has buzzed in then... Who am I to disagree with an irate German? Yeah. It is true that a dog can make 100 unique facial expressions. under instructions from Henning is buzzed in then. Who am I to disagree with an irate German? Yeah, it is true that a dog can make 100 unique facial expressions. And that's 98 more than Pete Burns. Graham. It is 98 more than Pete Burns.

I think that Pete Burns can make more than two facial expressions. Although he may have to go under the knife in between. Yeah. Dogs have deep-set criminal tendencies. Frederick the Great's Pomeranian was found guilty of embezzlement and racketeering during the siege of Prague, but was let off with a slap on the paw. Sue. It's so mad, I'm going to go for that being true, that Frederick's Pomeranian animal

was guilty of embezzlement and racketeering during the siege of Prague. No, that's not true. Embezzlement? How would a dog embezzle exactly? I don't... Maybe because it was one of those things where they thought he was guilty so his entire retinue went also, you know, the dogs, I just, maybe because it was one of those things where they thought he was guilty,

so his entire, you know, retinue went also, you know, the dogs, the cats, everything. In Massachusetts, say that again. Bless you. Gesundheit. In Massachusetts, in Boston, hmm? Two dogs were hung for witchcraft in 1692. Clive. I think that's plausible. They hung two dogs for witchcraft.

So a dog can be guilty of witchcraft, but it can't embezzle. Yeah, I know. It sounds crazy, but we're about to learn that it's true. You're right. You are about to learn that it's true. It wasn't actually in Boston, though,ning you should have stuck with massachusetts because it was in salem massachusetts in 1692 two dogs were hung as suspected accomplices of witches after a girl said they'd appeared to her as the devil's disciples and given her the evil eye

it's one of their expressions yes yeah yeah after that incident in salem greater boston the best most loyal and hardest working type of dog is the german shepherd the decision to rename this breed to alsatian followed the appalling treaty of versailles which ceded the dog to France. But this was a hollow victory for the French because Alsace was, is and always will be an integral part of the fatherland.

That was Henning buzzing himself. Henning, let it go. Third time lucky. Well, you're laughing now. Dogs are the most numerous pet in Britain, just ahead of feral children. Sue. I say they are the most numerous pet in Britain.

No, do you know, it's fish. Oh. Because they come in shoals, that's why, isn't it? You can have hundreds of them in a tank. Yeah. Can't do that with dogs anymore, sadly. Being a dog is no picnic. Certainly not in France, once home to the inventor of the dog-powered tricycle. Can't do that with dogs anymore, sadly. Being a dog is no picnic.

Certainly not in France, one's home to the inventor of the dog-powered tricycle. Trackmills were fitted inside the two huge rear wheels which were driven by dogs. Most dogs will tell you they're actually not too bothered about leading an active and fulfilled life. The thing that really gives them pleasure is squeezing one out. fulfilled life. The thing that really gives them pleasure is squeezing one out. In France, there is a specialized canine toilet known colloquially as Paris.

Henning. That's true. Very anti-French, your buzzing there. Well, that is essentially to blend in with the locals here. Yeah. Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past everyone else, which are that German dogs say vau vau, and the other truth

is that France was once home to the inventor of the dog-powered tricycle. It was invented by Monsieur Ouray in 1875 and was powered by two dogs on treadmills. That means, Henning, you've scored two points. A Belgian company is producing ice cream specifically for dogs, the most popular flavours proving to be vanilla, strawberry and own testicles. Next up is Sue Perkins.

Sue is a comedian who has hosted many TV series, including Late Lunch, The Great British Bake Off, The Big Food Fight and The Supersizers. It's the career Eamon Holmes always dreamed of. Your subject, Sue, is the sun, the light and heat giving orb at the centre of our solar system around which the earth and planets revolve. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you, off you go, Sue. The sun was first discovered by Sir Isaac Newton in 1721. Until then, everyone just assumed it was a really hot, round cloud, or that the moon was on fire. It's now recognised as

one of the only four stars in our solar system the others of course being alpha centauri jupiter and chesney hawks the roman emperor caligula believed the sun was jealous of his power and was plotting to kill him henry they would be thinking things like that i wouldn't i wouldn't be surprised if it turned out burlis county was exactly the same he would invite the sun into his bunga bunga room i wouldn't be surprised if the roman emperor caligula thought that but i am surprised to learn that the roman emperor caligula didn't think that. Caligula ordered a phalanx of archers to fire arrows from the roof of his palace at the sun at noon every day and later took to

wandering his palace at night commanding the sun to rise and fight him like a man. Come on you big flickery git he would shout in Latin. The core temperature of the sun is 154,000 degrees Kelvin. Oh, go on. That might be the right temperature. No. It's a thousand times hotter than that. Oh, right. Not in this part of the world, it's not.

It's quite cool. No, the core temperature of the sun. As measured in North London comes out quite a lot cooler, doesn't it? Yeah. Is that how you measure everything? How it affects North London? It's BBC Radio 4 policy. I think you're fine. is that how you measure everything how it affects north london it's it's bbc radio for policy i think you're fine i think even ryanair would not describe north london as being in the core of the

sun it would describe it as near the core of the sun though yeah a short bus ride from the core of the sun uh things in the universe which produce more heat in the sun relatively include brown dwarves green giants and my body after sending even a very short flight of stairs the ranagui people of polynesia so believe that the eclipse of the sun is a divine omen that a new high priest is about to be conceived, and therefore all couples of childbearing age take it as a signal to go home and have a go at making a priest. Their word for the eclipse translates as, King's son dons his crown, hence the ancient hymn with which they greet the event.

The sun has got his hat on. Hip, hip, hip, hooray. The Greek philosopher Heraclitus believed the sun was made fresh each morning and that every day there was a different sun graham that's the sort of thing he would believe isn't it freshly squeezed sun it's exactly the sort of thing he would believe and he did believe it well done graham very good all very tall trees naturally lean towards the sun, as do very tall buildings, very tall giraffes, and very tall children. Henning. I believe we said that trees do lean towards the sun. That would make sense.

They do, as indeed do very tall buildings. Oh, that I wouldn't have guessed. Yeah, well, because of the expansion of the brick or concrete will make it very slightly tend towards the heat of the sun. It doesn't list towards the sun. No, no, it doesn't list towards the sun. It swells towards the sun, yes. Among things that lean away from the sun are the Eiffel Tower, mushrooms and Count Dracula.

Now, surely the Eiffel Tower must... Yes, you bang on, absolutely. must. Yes, your bang arm, absolutely. The Eiffel Tower, because it is metal, it swells on the hot sun side and therefore bends away from the sun. And finally, the sun is also the name of an excellent newspaper. Don't come for me again.

No one buzzing for that? Thank you, Sue. now i'm buzzing for that thank you sue at the end of that round you've smuggled two truths past the rest of the panel which are that the roman emperor caligula took to wandering his palace at night commanding the sun to rise and the second truth is that the human body produces more heat than the sun on average by mass the human body generates five times as many calories as the sun per pound of mass each day so if if the sun were replaced by a huge mass of humanity kept up there somewhere yeah the world would be hotter i think that the mass of the sun isn't that great because it's largely

sort of gaseous. So if it were replaced by John Prescott, not too much would change then. No. I think maybe the sunrise would get less romantic. I think we'd have... I think poetry would change. Seeing a spherical John Prescott

rise redly from the horizon, looking baffled. You'd long for dusk, wouldn't you? Anyway, that means, Sue, you've scored two points. Now it's the turn of Clive Anderson. Since they walked out of his chat show, Clive has never been popular with the Bee Gees, which makes him unique, as they speak ridiculously highly about everyone else. Clive, your subject is Lewis Carroll, described by my encyclopedia as

an English writer best known for his books Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking Glass. Off you go, Clive. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Author of the classic children's stories A Town Called Alice and Alice Springs Through the Looking Glass Lewis Carroll was of course the pen name or alias of Eric Blair Alice Springs, well it remains a mystery

how Carroll knew so much about Australia as he is thought never to have left England apart from one trip to Russia Graham It is surprising how much he knew about Australia I don't think he ever left England. Apart from one trip to Russia, actually. You're quite right.

He never left England apart from one trip to Russia. Well done. Carroll spent most of his life working in Oxford Brookes University, but must have had some connection with the... Sue. Did he spend most of his life working at Oxford Brookes University? No, he didn't. Oxford Brookes University is a comparatively

recent invention. He was working at the little-known Oxford Non-Brookes University. But he must have had some connection with the north-east of England, as the walrus in The Walrus and the Carpenter is based on a stuffed specimen he saw on a visit to Sunderland. Sue. Is that

true? He went and saw a stuffed walrus in a museum and thought i'll write about it that's absolutely true he observed the sunderland stuffed walrus while it was being stored in a room on sunderland's north dock during the period he was working as collector of customs for the port and it's now in a museum if you if you want to see a stuffed walrus is it still in sunderland? I think so, yeah. It's like the Elgin Marbles. It remains. I don't think the Greeks want it in this instance. In fact, I'd say they'd take it as an insult. We should try and say, would a stuffed walrus do?

Carol's first book was called Syllabus of Plain Algebraical Geometry, and this so impressed Queen Victoria, a keen amateur mathematician, that she asked to be sent a copy of his next book. This was the first of the Alice books, which as a result became famous around the world as a royal favourite. His third book, Syllabus of Plain Algebraical Geometry Through the Looking Glass,

has never been out of print. Despite royal patronage, Carroll was a notorious figure in the world of crime he was even accused of involvement in the jack the ripper murders in east london mary whitehouse called for all of carol's books to be banned alice's adventures in wonderland was banned in china but only because it featured speaking animals so was it banned in china it was banned in china yes you're on fire yeah in 1931 it was banned by the governor of Hunan province on the grounds that animals should not use human language

and that it was disastrous to put animals and human beings on the same level. Yes. Beatrix Potter suffered as well, the same banning. Beatrix Potter is some of the most boring communist books I've ever read. Even the Red Squirrel one. Thank you, Clive. Thank you. potter some of the most boring communist books i've ever read yeah what even the red squirrel one thank you clive so clive at the end of that round you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel which are that lewis carroll never wore an overcoat his biographer collingwood reports that he never wore one and

that he died of pneumonia at the age of 65 and the other truth is that lewis carroll has even been accused of involvement in the jack the ripper murders in east london apparently it's based on anagrams of the poem java walkie which i think you could pretty much use to prove anything or rather suggest anything um but one thing that amused me which is a dangerous thing to say when you want to get a laugh isn't it um no it was that uh queen victoria very much liked alice's adventures in wonderland so much she requested a copy of lewis carroll's next book which was an elementary treatise on determinants with their applications of simultaneous linear equations and algebraical geometry.

So I imagine she was pretty pissed off when she got that. I hope she didn't overreact as much as she did when her husband died. Anyway. Oh, look, come on, it's sad when someone's husband died, but she overreacted. And that means, Clive, you've scored two points. Yes. And that means, Clive, you've scored two points. Lewis Carroll's real name was Charles Dodgson,

named after his father, who's also called Charles Dodgson, who was named after his father, Charles Dodgson, who was named after his father, Charles Dodgson. So I'm guessing the wildly fertile imagination came from his mother's side. Now it's the turn of Graham Garden. Your subject, Graham, is the lobster, an edible marine crustacean that has a hard shell, two large claws and eight legs.

Off you go, Graham. The word lobby originally referred to a small shed next to the fish market, where freshly caught lobsters were gutted and crabs were none too happy either. were gutted and crabs were none too happy either. Top prices are paid for novelty breeds, such as the so-called Pavarotti lobster,

which is covered in hair and sings when taken out of the water. This musical furry lobster was first found by French researchers, but they didn't realise its importance and so they ate it. The taste was variously described as like a fish masquerading as a mushroom, rather like crocodile tail, or the flavour of mildewed chicken. Did they say it tasted a bit like crocodile tail? They did indeed, yes.

Well done. Yes, in fact, crocodile tail steaks are said to taste like lobster, as does the tail of a monkfish, often referred to as poor man's lobster. Presumably crocodile tail is brave man's lobster. Lobsters were never popular in Japan until the mid-1960s when they introduced catch-your-own live lobster vending machines. Henny. I believe that in Japan they wouldown live lobster vending machines. Henny.

I believe that in Japan they would certainly have those sort of machines. They do indeed. Well done. In Sapporo, Japan, for 100 yen a go, the marine catcher vending machine vends live lobsters that you catch with a crane and claw, like the similar arcade game we have here, but without lobsters in it. For the purposes of EU classification, lobsters are not considered to be fish

and were previously classified as cattle. Sue? Maybe the EU haven't classified them as fish. As far as I know, they are fish, certainly as a food, but, you know, not as a... I think fish isn't a thing. Fish isn't a thing. Fish is a thing. I've eaten it.

I've seen it, I've touched it, and I've eaten it. It's a thing. I'm speaking on an incredibly high level. You're saying to me there's no such thing as fish. No, I'm not. But I'm saying that there is no sort of botanical classification that is fish. Not a botanical classification, no, because that's plants. No, it's not.

I basically think that I was on an episode of QI where they told me that fish as a zoological classification doesn't mean a specific thing. What fish is essentially is all the things that you could have for a fish course. But not all in one go. Anyway, as far as I know, the EU have not reclassified lobster as not fish. They were previously classified as cattle and the Fisheries Guild objected to this as it made lobsters liable for vat whereas crabs are not they won their case and lobsters like crabs are now classified as biscuits

henny the biscuit one obviously is nonsense except for prawn crackers maybe uh no but with the vat thing that might well be true. That it had some VAT implications. I don't think it did have any VAT implications, no. Presumably there's no VAT on crab if you buy it from a fishmonger, but there would be VAT on crab if you... There's no such thing as a fishmonger. I've learned that today. I mean, obviously... Stop messing with my mind, because I've just got into that mode now,

where I realise... I just mean a general, you know, munger. A lobster munger. Munger. But there would be VAT if you ate it in a restaurant, and if you catch it yourself. If you catch it yourself, there's no VAT. Because now you're going to pay it off.

No, no. Yeah, but you do need to have your licence, your fishing licence, don't you? Right. Well, apparently not, because there's no such thing as fish. I think you could always catch the crabs in international waters, couldn't you? You could always catch crabs anywhere, that's true.

Club 18 to 30 holidays. We'll go on to Faleraki. Oscar Wilde used to take a lobster for walks on a piece of string. Sue? I think Oscar Wilde did take a lobster for for walks on a piece of string. Sue? I think Oscar Wilde did take a lobster for a walk. He did, yeah. There's not much you can say about that.

He did. Well, he was obviously delusional for the reasons we've outlined previously. Why? I didn't say lobsters didn't exist. Oh, that's true. Although there's no such thing as string. I distinctly remember that. Apparently it's just a theory. It'sly remember that. Apparently it's just a theory. It's not been proven.

Thanks. It's a sort of weird mixture of a groan and applause. Where did you take this lobster for a walk with his string? Was this out of the water? Yes. Otherwise it would be a swim, wouldn't it? Then they need to be in water to

breathe we've all swum with lobsters right i mean it's tremendously moving but and quite painful it says here they will survive for up to a week out of water oh well it's long enough for a walk then isn't it that's yeah it's long enough for a walking holiday yeah how fast do they walk i don't imagine they could keep pace with a bullion Oscar Wilde. Well, certainly not in terms of wit. No. When James Abbott McNeill Whistler met him in the street and pointed out that his lobster was dead...

..Wilde replied, Shut your face, Whistler. Lobsters are also known as elephant prawns because they have a habit of hanging onto the tail of the animal in front as they march across the sea floor like elephants round a circus ring. Charles Darwin spent many years searching for two lobsters that he could show were absolutely identical, but sadly he only found one.

Morning TV hunk Adrian Childs is... No-one's buzzing in there. ..is allergic to lobsters. He's only eaten lobster once, but his face swelled up overnight. Well, we know his face swelled up for some reason overnight um i think he's allergic to lobsters he isn't the low budget 1964 horror movie vengeance of the lobster woman provided meryl streep with her first starring role opposite roger moore who played the lobster woman to acknowledge her humble career beginnings

meryl streep's hollywood mansion is called the lobster pot cottage thank you graham and graham you've also managed to smuggle two truths past everyone else the first of which is that the musical furry lobster is a species of lobster first found by French researchers in the 1980s who didn't realize they'd discovered a new species and ate it. And the other truth is that lobsters have a habit of hanging onto the tail of the animal in front as they march across the seafloor. Spiny lobsters migrate in this way in trails of up to 50 lobsters long. And that means, Graham, you've scored two points. Oscar Wilde used to take a lobster for walks on a piece of string, like a dog on a lead.

Obviously, in the park, a fair amount of bottom-sniffing would go on. But the lobster would wait patiently till Oscar had finished. Which brings us to the final scores. In place with one point we have clive anderson in second place equal with two points each we have sue perkins and henning vane and in first place with an unassailable three points, it's this week's winner, Graham Garden. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests.

They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Nesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Clive Anderson, Henning Vein, Sue Perith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Clive Anderson, Henning Vane, Sue Perkins and Graham Garden. The chairman's script was written by Colin Swash and John Finnamore

and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.