The Unbelievable Truth - 07x03 Mice, television, Sir Walter Raleigh, Soup

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

07x03 18 April 2011 Tony Hawks, Charlie Brooker, Arthur Smith, Rhod Gilbert Mice, television, Sir Walter Raleigh, Soup

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello, and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the only place in town to come for a few facts and some entertaining fiction. Now they've closed down your local library. John Keats, of course, believed that truth was beauty, beauty truth. And certainly, as I look along the faces of our panel tonight, that goes some way to explaining the torrent of lies and untruths we're about to hear. Nonetheless, please welcome Arthur Smith, Tony Hawks, Charlie Brooker and Rod Gilbert.

The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panelists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Tony Hawks. Your subject, Tony, is mice, described by my encyclopedia as small rodents known for their pointed snouts, small ears ears and long hairless

tails which commonly infest buildings for food and shelter off you go tony fingers on buzzers the rest of you mice are not allowed in heaven or singapore in swindon they are positively welcomed arthur i think singapore kind of bans more or less everything, doesn't it? So they've probably banned mice. They have banned a lot of things. I don't think they have banned mice. Well, you're meant to be the chairman. You're meant to know. No, I suppose I'm letting you down gently. Oh, I see. They haven't banned mice.

In Swindon, mice are positively welcomed. June 14th is Swindon's Day of the Mouse, when mice take over the running of the city. In Britain, the expression, it's raining cats and dogs, is... Rod. Is it too late to agree with the Swindon bit? Not all of it.

No, no, it's not too late. What bit did you... Oh, I can tell you've done this to me before. Look at that. This is where you go, no, it's not too late. Do you want to do it? And I'll go, yes.

And you go, sorry. I would say you've done this to me before. Look at that. This is where you go, no, it's not too late. Do you want to do it? And I'll go, yes. And you go, sorry. I would say that you were allowed to buzz on that, whether it was a true thing or a false thing. Yeah, but you said it too keenly for my liking. You're obsessed with the idea that I want you to lose. I don't care who wins. Okay, then. I think Swindon probably does have a day of the mouse.

Right. It doesn't. I think... On the other hand, I was going to say, I think I'm probably too late anyway, so I'll leave it. In Britain, the expression, it's raining cats and dogs, is actually a modification of the Norwegian expression, it's raining mice and fish.

They probably used this expression because in 1578, a shower of large yellow mice fell on the Norwegian town of Bergen. Yes, probably did. You're absolutely right on that one. I don't know. The fact that you were so sure that was true

still suggests to me that you need to reset your plausibility gauge. Absolutely true. In 1578, a shower of large yellow mice fell on Bergen. Oh, this happens a lot. Things get sucked up in atmospheric pressure and dropped out somewhere else. Happens a lot. Why yellow? Why yellow mice?

I wonder how many of the citizens were asking that question. Yellow mice. So it's usually a greyer mouse at this time of year incidentally in 1579 the very next year there was a shower of lemmings that's nonsense you can't believe anything anyone said before about 1750 well i mean obviously yes we don't have uh photographs we don't have film footage but we we just have the assertions of the people at that time, who may have been mental. Mice prefer hello to OK magazine.

They also prefer yellow to green, children to adults, and women to men. Rod. The mice and the colour thing, they prefer whatever it was to green. You think it's true that mice prefer yellow to green? Yes. No, they don't. In Japan, it is considered lucky

if a mouse runs in front of you on a Tuesday when you're on the way to a wedding. Perhaps a mouse at a wedding run-in is instead of causing the woman to shriek and run out saying it's all over, is in fact good luck? It isn't good luck, but I see your way of thinking. It's like people say it's good luck if a bird craps on you. They do say that.

And it's obviously bad luck. Well, it doesn't matter. Have you ever had a bird crap on you? Yes. I'm referring to the animal, by the way. LAUGHTER Yes. I'm referring to the animal, by the way. LAUGHTER Oh, no, answer the other question. No, I've never... I'm not surprised you've gone to an animal. No human of either gender has ever ingested upon me for purposes sexual or otherwise.

And that's all we've got time for. Mice are the most romantic of all rodents. Male mice often buy flowers and burst into song when they're in the mood for love. Some horny Aussie mice have up to 16 partners a time in sex sessions in trees lasting up to 12 hours. Charlie, I can believe that. have up to 16 partners a time in sex sessions in trees lasting up to 12 hours. Charlie. I can believe that.

Well, you're absolutely right, too. It is true. In fact, Tony was going to continue to say... Often they become so weak, they fall out of the trees and are killed. This is true of the East Australian brown Antikinus mouse, which can spend up to 12 hours mating with different partners

up in trees. Like Sting. What, does he have sex with mice? Yeah. In Zaire, mouse soup is popular with the Makuti tribe. In the Arctic, mice cream is a speciality, didn't it? Arthur.

I think maybe the Zaire one is right. They eat mouse soup. I bet it's rather tasty. I can believe mouse soup would be perfectly tasty, but they don't eat that in Zaire. My dad used to have told me he ate rats during the war, and I said, what does that taste like? He said, oh, you know, a bit like dog.

war and i said what does that taste like he said oh you know a bit like dog jerry the mouse in tom and jerry cartoons was named after jerry lieberman a senior executive at disney in the 30s ah okay such a dull fact it must be true no oh and i'd like to apologize to tony on your behalf. I thought that was a fascinating piece of comic invention myself. No, in fact, Tom and Jerry was apparently a commonplace phrase for youngsters indulging in riotous behaviour in 19th-century London. And so some people think that Tom and Jerry was an unconscious echo of that phrase.

Can you put that in a sentence for it? I think it meant kind of like brouhaha, you know, getting up to Tom and Jerry. That was the right old Tom and Jerry we had last night. Oh, blimey. Some of you make it more plausible than me. I know someone who was once told to leave a flat by the landlord,

and when he asked why, he just said, you were witnessed getting up to hijinks. Which is a wonderful expression you don't hear enough of. Is hijinks specifically something wrong? That's what a neighbour had spotted through the curtains and they had reported hijinks.

Hijinks could be like a harmless game of charades. Or it could be kind of group sex. I'm never going to one of your parties i do hate charades such a letdown thank you tony and at the end of that round tony you've managed to smuggle three truths past the end of that round, Tony, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that mice prefer women to men, according to studies. The second truth is that mice whistle and sing like birds, but at a pitch too high for human ears to hear. How were we supposed to know that? And the third truth is that in the Arctic, mice cream is a speciality dish. Arctic explorers call it suri a la creme.

Basically, it's sautéed mouse mixed with cream. Sounds delicious. Apart from the sautéed mouse. And that means, Tony, you've scored three points. OK, we turn now to Charlie Brooker. Charlie has created a successful TV franchise with shows Screen Wipe, News Wipe and Games Wipe. And happily, he's not an Arsenal fan.

Your subject, Charlie... Your subject, Charlie, is television, the transmitting of moving pictures and sounds as electrical waves to an apparatus capable of receiving these signals and reproducing them on a screen. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Charlie. The patron saint of television is St Clare, a 13th-century nun who prayed to God

to be allowed to see a church service she was too ill to attend and was rewarded with a vision of it on her cell wall. Rod. Er... LAUGHTER service she was too ill to attend and was rewarded with a vision of it on her cell wall rod uh either there was a nun who prayed that and was rewarded with a vision on her thing wall or she is the patron saint of television through some weird thing well do you know it's all true well done television was invented by a nun. No, no, no. That's not what was said. The patron saint of television is St. Clair. Who decided that?

It was Pope Pius XII in 1958, you fool. He should have had a proper job. What sort of pope goes around making up that sort of rubbish? Every pope. The invention of television is often incorrectly attributed to the Scot John Logie Baird. Logie Baird himself was not a very successful inventor. He once shorted out the entire electrical grid of Glasgow

while trying to create artificial diamonds and spent five years inventing the swivel chair only to discover he'd been sitting on one all along. Tony. I'm going for the diamonds thing. You're absolutely right. Well done. Yes he once shorted out the entire electrical grid of Glasgow while trying to create artificial diamonds. He also invented an inflatable shoe and a glass razor. Both unsuccessfully. Although he did successfully invent and market thermal socks. Did he?

Yeah. Early programmes included A Gentleman in Evening Dress, Waving at You, the popular talent show Come and Be Televised, featuring a young Bruce Forsyth, and How Do You you do an experimental broadcast consisting of nothing but a man's face repeating the words how do you do the idea being that viewers would place a hat on top of their set and lift it each time a lady entered the room No, no, no. Hear me out.

Right. I just think that was a list and one of them's probably right. Now I've just got to work out which one. Yes. All right, I'm ruling out how do you do. Okay. Okay, let's go Bruce Forsyth. What the hell?

Yes, you're absolutely right. Oh, who's laughing now? Before the war, there was a television program called come and be televised which featured a young bruce forsyth he came and was televised and he is still being televised we're waiting for the show go away and stop being televised charlie over the years things things British TV viewers have complained about include the time Richard Dimbleby punched that horse, Bob Holness's habit of continually greeting new contestants on blockbusters with a Nazi salute,

and coverage of a tennis match in which Australian player Robin Ebburn's breasts, although entirely covered, were deemed inappropriately mobile for family viewing. Tony. Yeah, I'm going for the breasts thing. There you go. That sounds like a round in a very different joke.

Yeah, the one I thought I was coming on. Please. Thank you. No, I could get... Just tell us about that show. Can I get banned for something I said by accident? Hawks never works again. No, that's not true about the breasts. Oh!

What? Well, I think the Bob Holness thing might be true, because there was some rumour about his affiliations. I think it is important for me legally to say that Bob Holness is not a Nazi. But there were complaints to ITV at Bob Holness's wave of greeting on Blockbusters, which was interpreted as some to be a little too close to the Führers. Nowadays, the proliferation of new channels naturally means television is better than ever before.

Recent highlights include Bravo's Fighting With Uncles, four recent highlights include bravo's fighting with uncles uh living tvs haunted antiques and uk tv styles watching paint dry in which viewers watched a different kind of paint matte silk gloss satin or eggshell dry each day and then voted out their least favorite rod well just because there's got to be something in all of that stuff at the end but i'm not quite sure i'm looking looking for. Maybe Fighting With Uncles was a TV programme or something like that. Fighting With Uncles was not. It wasn't a TV programme. It wasn't a TV programme, but it's a cracking idea.

Not as good as the show I'm going on. And that's the end of Charlie's lecture. And that's the end of Charlie's lecture. And Charlie, at the end of that round, you've only managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that UK TV Style broadcast a programme called Watching Paint Dry. To be fair, it was broadcast on the internet, but it was 24-hour-a-day coverage of paint drying, in which viewers voted for their favourite.

And that means, Charlie, you've scored one point. Back in 1990, Simon Cowell was a contestant on Sale of the Century and won £20 worth of kitchen utensils. If you haven't seen the clip of him winning, this will surprise you. He looks quite pleased with himself. Next up is Arthur Smith. After losing a bet to Tony Hawks, Arthur stood naked in Balham High Road

and sang the national anthem of the People's Republic of Moldova. An impoverished region, the regular scene of civil unrest, Balham is in South London, they're clapping. Your subject, Arthur, is Sir Walter Raleigh, favourite courtier to Queen Elizabeth I, a naval explorer involved in the settlement and exploitation of the Americas, often credited with introducing tobacco

and potatoes to England. Off you go, Arthur. Sir Walter Raleigh famously had a third nipple, and he also had six fingers on each foot. Ah! Right. Certainly did. You're going for both, are you?

The scaramanga and the finger feet? No, David, I'm not an idiot. I'm going for the third nipple. That's not true. I'm going for the foot. That's not true either. In that case, I'll go for both. It has never been said that Sir Walter

Raleigh founded the American colony of Virginia, and that's because he never actually visited Virginia, or indeed any other part of North America. It was Sir Francis Drake who showed Sir Walter Raleigh how to smoke. Sir Walter, in turn, passed the habit on to the poet

Sir John Dryden, who wrote a sonnet entitled, Oh Most Lovely Pipey. Charlie. Did Francis Drake show him how to smoke? He did. Oh, well done. Well done. And that was before the

invention of the bike shed. Sir Walter was renowned for pioneering the enormous rough. So large were his, in fact, that a farmer acquaintance was able to make five pounds of cheese using the folds in one of them. Tony.

I think he did pioneer the rough. He didn't. Pioneering the rough was something that happened on the show that I was at another show on. Was the cheese bit true? No. I'll leave it then.

No, you didn't, Garth. That was just chat. I've worked at a new system. Raleigh's name was spelt more than 100 different ways and seems to have been pronounced either Walter Riligi or Walter Rawley or possibly Walter Rawley. Charlie. I can believe his name was spelt a hundred different ways because they were kind of sloppy about that sort of thing back then. They were sloppy but not that sloppy. It's believed it was spelt over 40 different ways but not up to 100 different ways.

You're such a pedant. I know. I am, yes. But in many ways, I'm sort of cast in a pedantic role. I don't know why they picked you. That was actually the subtitle on the photo of me in the radio. Sir Walter was condemned to death for farting during the coronation of Charles I. Oh, God.

I can believe that. I tell you, if that was true, I think history would be a more popular subject. I didn't say they went through with it. They condemned him and then retracted it later. No, sadly, that's not true. But wouldn't it be great if there were more fart-based events in human history? Raleigh spent 15 years on death row

writing his five-volume History of the World, but never got further than 130 BC. After Raleigh's execution, his head was embalmed and presented to his wife. She carried it with her at all times in a velvet bag. Tony. I think she was presented with his head embalmed. She was indeed.

Yes, well done. She carried it with her all the time. Well, I suppose it's embalmed, it's not going to go off, is it? I don't know, I'm not often... You wouldn't want to go for lunch with her, would you? No, I no not often carried an embalmed head so i don't know how long they last yes i would say it does you're carrying around a human head it would matter to me whether it goes off you're meeting somebody for lunch and they brought in a human head in a bag you'd say i hope that's not off you're right there rod Other questions would spring to mind.

But I'm saying, if you're accepting a world in which we know she's a grieving widow and she's been presented with a head, and so in this weird world it's sort of more normal to carry a head, I would hope that it didn't smell all of rotting flesh. We have grieving widows these days. Yes, and you're right,

they seldom carry the heads of their dead husbands. A friend of my mum's does. Yeah, she carries her husband's head in her bag. Or she doesn't carry it around, but she's got it at home. What? No, she hasn't. Told you! I mean, that was a great bit of lying, but unfortunately

it's not part of the game. Yeah, I know. It's kind of like the Fringe Festival of this programme. Thank you, Arthur. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are, firstly, that Walter Raleigh never actually visited Virginia or indeed any other part of North America. And the second truth is that it's likely

that Rawley was the most common pronunciation of his name at the time. And the Queen's nickname for him, in fact, was Water, as his Devonian accent meant he did not pronounce the L in his first name. So he couldn't say his own name. And the third truth is that during the 15 years that Rawley was imprisoned in the Tower of London, he completed the first five books of his history of the world, but only got as far as the ancient history of the Greeks and the Romans. And that means you've scored three points. Now it's the turn of Rod Gilbert. Compared to many Welsh celebrities,

Rod is hugely popular wherever he goes, as he rarely sings. Your subject, Rod, is soup, a liquid food made by boiling or simmering ingredients such as meat and vegetables, usually served hot and often at the beginning of a meal. Off you go, Rod. Right.

Amazon tribes, or Amazonian, I don't know, have made soup. Tribes in the Amazon have made soup from the powdered teeth of their wives. The left eyebrows of the person who sits next to them at work. The powdered bones of their dead family. The charred, barbecued skin of their defeated enemies. Tony.

Well, there's a list there of which we all think there is at least one truth in it. Yeah, yeah. There's no denying that list. Okay. And I am going to go for the powdered bones of the family. You're dead right. Ah.

In New Jersey, until 1985, it was illegal to eat soup between the hours of 2pm and 5pm. This law was relaxed, and the diner may now fill their spoon in preparation for eating at 2 o'clock sharp. Once the 2 o'clock soup gun sounds, soup eating must commence immediately and slurping is strictly forbidden even if the soup is still a little hot. In Nebraska, it is illegal for bar owners to sell bourbon unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

It is also illegal for soup makers to sell bourbon unless they are simultaneously smoking a Nebraskan cigar made of soup. It is also illegal for dried soup cigar smoking Nebraskan bar owners to brew beer unless they are simultaneously selling drinking soup with bourbon in it. to brew beer unless they're simultaneously selling drinking soup with bourbon in it. Needless to say, Nebraskan bar owners, cigar smoking or otherwise cannot sell beer either unless they're simultaneously brewing soup. African tribes made soup

with a mineral composed of hydrated magnesium silicate or talc called talcum powder chowder. Tony. The last bit's not true, but the bit about the... It's called talc. T-A-L-K.

I know it. I've had it when I was over there. No, it's not true. No, exactly. Yeah. It's a good technique to sort of lie back. Yeah. I mean, lie in return, not recline. A splinter tribe then made it with talc

taken from the racing gloves of a former Austrian racing driver. They called this new soup Nicky Lauda's talcum powder chowder. Yeah, I've eaten that. A rival tribe then stole the recipe and added a secret popping ingredient and the dish became known as Nicky Lauda's Lauda talcum powder chowder

The original tribe stole back their recipe but kept the new popping ingredient However, they decided to protect the new and improved recipe and stored great quantities in wells destroyed written records and employed Italian security guards to guard the soup Those lucky enough to be allowed to eat the soup were referred to by the Italian guards as the Crowder Allauder to eat Nicky Louder's Louder Talcum Powder Chowder.

Naturalist Frank Bucklands attempts to make soup from deer antlers, rhino horn, anteater proboscis and elephant's trunk were only partially successful. The deer's antler was either too crunchy or the anteater proboscis and the elephant's trunk were only partially successful. The deer's antler was either too crunchy or the anteater proboscis and the elephant's trunk too chewy. Madonna finds the smell of oxtail soup in her dressing room invigorating. Britney Spears once... Tony.

Yeah, Madonna likes oxtail soup in her dressing room. Not as far as we know, I'm afraid. But I'd like to buzz for whatever the Britney Spears fact coming up is, however ludicrous I believe it. You're going to... He started a sentence whatever the Britney Spears fact coming up is, however ludicrous I believe it. You're going to buzz? I'm going to start at a sense of Britney Spears, and I've just got a feeling I'm going with it.

You're putting your money down in advance. So, Rod. OK, Arthur, you ready? This is true, right? Britney Spears once dunked her head in a vat of soup and said, look at me, I'm Lady Gaga. dunked her head in a vat of soup and said, look at me, I'm Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga's famous

leek and potato soup dress had to be reapplied every ten seconds. I think I should just confirm, Arthur, that that fact is not true as far as we know about Britney Spears. And Elvis Presley, who had a habit of gorging on chicken soup between performances, was arrested when the star

blew on a vegetable soup at one minute to two this stint in a New Jersey slammer led him to pen a jailhouse rock Tony sorry he gorged on chicken soup between performances

he did yes thank you rod and rod at the end of that round you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel which are that it is illegal to slurp soup in a public eating place in new jersey and the tiny bit of truth in the tissue of lies about nebraskan bar owners is that they cannot sell beer unless they are also brewing a kettle of soup and the third truth is that despite cooking it for several days victorian eccentric francis buckland found that elephant trunk soup was still

too chewy buckland served many strange meals such as mice on toast roasted parrots and rhinoceros pie and declared that the only things you can't eat are moles and blue bottles. Whatever happened to blue bottles? I mean, they used to be big in the 80s. And that means you've scored three points, Raj. And that brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus six points, we have Arthur Smith.

In joint second place, with minus three points each, it's Charlie Brooker and Rod Gilbert. And in first place, with an unassailable two positive points, it's this week's winner, Tony Hawks. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye.

The unbelievable truth was divided by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Tony Hawkes, Arthur Smith, Rod Gilbert and Charlie Brooker. The chairman's script was written by Colin Swash and John Finnamore and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.