The Unbelievable Truth - 07x04 Dieting, Snakes, Eyes, Cutlery

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

07x04 25 April 2011 Marcus Brigstocke, Lucy Porter, Alan Davies, Jack Dee Dieting, Snakes, Eyes, Cutlery

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game that sorts the truth from the lies like a mighty threshing machine somehow adapted to process intangible philosophical constructs rather than whatever it normally threshes.

Corn, cows, I don't know, I live in Kilburn. Joining me tonight are Marcus Brigstock,'t know, I live in Kilburn. Joining me tonight are Marcus Brigstock, Jack Dee, Alan Davis and Lucy Porter. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to

smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed while other panelists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth we'll begin with marcus brigstock marcus was recently on an extended tour playing the role of king arthur in the monty python musical spamalot obviously some nights were better than others. His favourite one being Sir Galahad. Thank you. Marcus, your subject is dieting, the prescribed or regulated intake of food designed to promote weight loss in a person or animal.

Off you go, Marcus. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Most humans eat between six and seven calories a day. A goat will eat between 20 and 6,000, depending on the richness of the source a carpenter ant is capable of taking in 1500 calories but only if it's willing to burst its exoskeleton jack i would imagine that there's such a wide margin there between 20 and 6 000 calories is probably about right for a goat oh do know, that's not a truth that Marcus was meaning to smuggle past. No one checked it, did they? But no, I mean, that's bound to be true, isn't it?

A goat is bound to eat more than 20 calories. It's like saying a goat will have between none and quite a lot of calories every day. It's a very lazy, clumsy bit of writing, Marcus. There's no need for it to get nasty. It won't if I get points. I think I'm going to give you a point for that, Jack. It was in reference to a specific goat that I know only ever eats a minimum of 7,000 calories a day.

7,000 calories, no goat. Weird goat with muscles. Yeah, it had to be a massive goat. A goat in a donut field no i i take your points jack and i give you a point thank you yeah uh karen carpenter ants eat significantly less the blue whale is known amongst other whales as a fat knacker as it eats about a million and a half calories every day. I love any blue whale fact

I'm a sucker for. Yes, well this one is absolutely true. So you get the point. Well done. The blue whale's diet is mainly comprised of tiny shrimp-like creatures known as krill and it must eat nearly 40 million of these a day to fulfil its required 1.5 million calories.

Four hours of intense aerobic exercise will burn off approximately one to one and a half calories, so there really is very little point. A calorie is a measurement of deliciousness. Anything with fewer than 10 calories in is usually disgusting. Anything with over 50,000 is always delicious. Lucy. I agree. Yeah, I mean,000 is always delicious. Lucy. I agree. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, basically, so do I. May not be scientifically true, but it is true. It is. We've all eaten rice cakes, haven't we, David? I've put a rice cake in my mouth. I've never eaten one, though. You just sort of hang off the edge of a rice cake

until you lose interest and give up. You put them in your mouth and you think, oh, my God, I've lost my sense of taste. They're one of nature's few squeaky foods. Well, halloumi cheese, which is nice. Halloumi's a squeaky food too, yeah. I was going to say rice cakes, seedling tiles. Mice.

Mice. Reasonable squeaky food. If you diet on holiday, you are three times more likely to argue and six times more likely to come back needing a holiday in a visit to an all-you-can-eat carvery. Eating enough of any of the many diet foods and drinks available will make you thin and attractive. Diet Coke is made by putting normal Coke through Gok 1.

A couple from Yorkshire whose surname was Coke called their daughter Diet. Fat animals are a disgrace. Zebras often look slimmer than they are because of the vertical stripe which they use to hide their stoutness. Alaska Zoo had an elephant that was so fat they had to install a treadmill for her, which explains why and how they ended up with Sarah Palin as their governor. Alan. I believe that they put a treadmill in to help the elephant have exercise or something. Yes, you're right, they did. Well done.

the elephant have exercise or something yes you're right they did well done in um in 2005 alaska zoo installed a giant 20 foot long treadmill to encourage maggie the elephant to lose weight extreme celebrity diets include the paul daniels diet where he only eats if he can make the food appear from out of a hat or debbie mcgee the adolf hitler diet was developed because the furor was plagued by chronic flatulence for which his doctors put him on a vegetarian diet of beans, cabbage and sprouts. Yet he ended up all alone in the bunker. Lucy. Adolf Hitler was plagued by flatulence.

You're right, he was plagued by flatulence. The more I hear about Hitler, the less I like him. The more I hear about Hitler, the less I like him. As if a confrontation with Adolf Hitler wouldn't have been terrifying enough. The fact that he then farts while he's talking to you. I think it might have released the tension of it. I can't stop laughing when that happens. I think farts are the funniest things ever.

Yeah, I love farts. I'm all for it. We used to have an Alsatian who would suddenly get up and leave the room. A very where's someone at Alsatian who would suddenly get up and leave the room? Very well-mannered Alsatian. And then you realise that she'd just let one go. Before she left? Yeah.

Lime on the rug, sort of dozing. And then suddenly she'd leave for no apparent reason. And at that point, you have to get out. Because the smell is unbelievable. That must have been guilt, though. Just common sense and self-preservation. Well, no, I don't...

No, well, you see, I don't think... Because I don't think people, and I would therefore suspect Alsatians, dislike the smell of their own. I don't know, maybe you like your own farts. Is that what we're getting at here? I don't mind. Is this what I think says more about you

than it does about my dog? Possibly, but I'm happy to say this on the radio, it turns out. I don't find the smell of my own farts disgusting, although I don't expect other people to enjoy them. Now, maybe I'm unique in that, but I'm hoping, hoping against hope, that I'm not. Being a loner, do you sometimes, for a joke, trap yourself under your own duvet?

No, I don't find my own farts humorous. What? You don't find your own farts funny? I don't. When I fart, I don't go... Funny old me, I farted. But you do go, mmm, yummy. Anyway. Ooh, funny old me, I farted. But you do go, mmm, yummy. Yeah. Anyway.

Actually, I won't have that lift home with you, actually. Marcus. My final fact, dieting is fun. Thank you, Marcus. And, Marcus, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that if you diet on holiday, you're three times more likely to argue.

Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know who the hell diets on holiday. And the second truth, a couple from Yorkshire whose surname was Coke called their daughter Diot. Oh, I thought that might be true. I'll tell you why I thought it might be true, truth a couple from yorkshire whose surname was coke called their daughter diot or diot i'll tell you why i thought it might be true because i knew someone who worked on a maternity

ward in sunland and someone had twins and they called them fifa and uefa well these diot coke did not surprise this this particular couple can't be accused of that sort of modern vulgarity because this happened in 1379 in the west riding of yorkshire and they named their daughter diot which is an abbreviated version of dionysia a popular girl's christian name in the 14th century so it's all fine but that means you've scored two points marcus okay we turn now to lucy. Your subject, Lucy, is snakes. Long, legless and sometimes venomous reptiles with scaly bodies, lidless eyes and tapering tails.

Off you go, Lucy. Unlike Indiana Jones, actor Harrison Ford, 85, is a massive snake fan and has a herpetarium in each of his eight homes. For her 40th birthday, Harrison bought Calista Flockhart a 10-foot Mexican whip snake. Calista made him take the animal back to the dealer because she felt it made her look fat.

Alan. Did he buy her a snake for her birthday? No. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. I sort of wished it to be true more than anything. Snakes are often killed for their fangs, which are sold to Heston Blumenthal as toothpicks for his restaurant and for their eyes snakes are often

killed for their fangs are they yeah you saw you said that with so much confidence that i've been it's not a truth i've got on my list i think that's elephants oh yeah yeah very much depends on the size of the piano. Snakes are often killed for their eyes, which in many cultures are reported to have aphrodisiac qualities. There may be some truth in this. Vets at London Zoo once fitted a snake with a glass eye and he never had sex again. I think the eyes are used for aphrodisiac.

I imagine that that's one reason for blinding a snake. Is that a euphemism it is now just gonna go and blind the snake um no that's not true uh jack i'm afraid i don't think they're repeated have aphrodisiac qualities tiger's penis does so yeah that's what I meant. Yeah. I mean, even if the thing itself isn't an aphrodisiac, the act of getting it off the tiger will impress even the most hard-hearted partner.

Well, it sort of depends, doesn't it? I mean, they'd think you were brave, but they'd also think you were a maniac who ripped the genitalia off endangered species. Sure, if they're pernickety like that, if you were dating a keeper at a zoo and then you went, hey, look at this, they'd probably be cross, but anyone else.

It's just as well we have chocolates, really, isn't it? Like the pop star Sting, snakes can take up to three days to copulate. Marcus. Yes, that's a fact. It is a fact, yes. The eastern hognose snakes of Canada have been observed copulating for three days or longer.

Also like sting, snakes haven't made a decent record since 1983. Snake charming works because snakes are incredibly sensitive to music and can pick up and distinguish sounds at roughly 20 times the range of humans. If a king cobra hears a child playing London's Burning on the recorder, it will travel over a mile to bite her. In Texan supermarkets, any product labelled as chicken or pork is legally allowed to contain up to 20% snake meat. This makes packs of barbecue ribs particularly good value

as snakes may have as many as 600 pairs. Maybe... Jack. I'm suggesting that... I was trying to buzz with my bow arrow. Yeah, whereas you're meant to use the buzzer, obviously. No, I think that the fact that you're allowed to put snake meat in in Texas is... OK, Alan, your buzzer's working.

I don't think that's right at all. I think they've got 600 pairs of ribs. This is such a complicated scenario now. Jack, you're wrong about the 20% snake meat in Texas supermarkets, but, Alan, you are right. They've got 600 pairs of ribs each. Snakes. Thank you. I didn't mean to

sound impatient then, but I was incredibly stressed. Officer. Lucy. Movie director and hell-raiser John Houston had bottle stoppers made from the heads of rattlesnakes for his private bar. Mickey Rourke gave David and Victoria Beckham

a dried rattlesnake's rattle to hang over the cot of baby Brooklyn, and Jack Nicholson likes to startle guests with a dead rattlesnake embedded in the clear plastic seat of his toilet. Jack. I think all three of those facts are true. I'm going for it.

I'm crazy. You think all three of them are true? I feel all three of those are true. Well, they're not all three of those facts are true. I'm going for it. I'm crazy. You think all three of them are true? I feel all three of those are true. Well, they're not all three of them true. I bet one of them is. Yeah, would you like to bet which one of them is? Go for the first one. Go for the first one.

The bottle tops. The bottle tops. Yeah, that was right. No, it isn't. No, I mean the... No further buzzing on that, Ari. I've betrayed... You have like a 50% chance of getting a point Ari. I'm betrayed. You have like a 50% chance of getting a point there.

Exactly. Playing the odds. Skillful. I'd say let them go for it, you know. Do you say that, Lucy? I do. Well, it's not your decision. No, what is true is that Jack Nicholson with the dead rattles today in his loose seat. Lucy.

It's possible that the serpent in the Garden of Eden was actually a ferret. The ancient Aramaic words for both animals are easily confused. Jack. I don't want to... I don't know. I've lost confidence because I've got these things wrong so often in the

past, but I was sold that one by Lucy when she said that the words are very similar. I'm afraid that's not true. That's blown it for me. It's a brilliant bit of very erudite lying, so I don't think you need to be ashamed.

I'll never buzz in again. I can't trust Lucy. I can't trust any of you. It's a lovely image. Satan taking the form of a ferret. The idea that the enemy... Is Satan? Is the serpent Satan? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Really?

Didn't you read it to the end? Alan. I haven't read it at all, David. I'm sorry. You'll often find the embodiment of Satan up a Yorkshireman's trouser leg. The Jararacassu... Sorry, it's not called that at all.

Oh, now we know. Yeah. Well, ah. It could be the sneakiest double Sorry, it's not called that at all. Oh, now we know. Yeah. Well, ah. It could be the sneakiest double, but it's not. The Jararacasu snake can have up to 15 penises and mates for life with a single, presumably very tired female. Jack. True?

No. Oh, God, you might have said something, Lucy. You're devious. Devious, is what I'd say. You're not even playing the game, you're just being... He smiles all the way through. That lures you into trap after trap. I haven't known a game upset people this much since I last played Monopoly.

In Snakes With two penises, the one further to the right tends to be dominant, just like the coalition government. Thank you, Lucy. Marcus made a late buzz. Quite a late buzz. It's alright, though. I'll take the buzz. What do you think? Oh, no. If you're taking the buzz, it's all right though i'll take the buzz what do you know no if you're taking

the buzz it's definitely wrong i think a snake's right hand penis is the dominant of the two yes you're you're right that's a point oh very good and lucy at the end of that round you've managed to smuggle two truths past everyone else which are that vets at london zoo once fitted a snake with a glass eye and the second truth is the jack nicholson having a toilet with a dead rattlesnake in the clear plastic seat which we've already discussed and that means lucy you've scored two points when actor rob low was caught by a girlfriend in a compromising position with another woman he rather desperately claimed she was

just checking his penis for snake bites. Though I suspect the main cause of the row was the way she was extracting the venom. It's now the turn of Alan Davis. Your subject, Alan, is eyes. Organs of vision typically comprising two spherical bodies located in the skull. Off you go, Alan.

Where would we be without eyes? Well, obviously, we wouldn't know where we were. See that? Very good one. Although the ostrich is the third largest bird in the world, its brain is smaller than its eyeball, stomach is smaller than its brain, its genitals are smaller than its stomach,

and its self-esteem is almost non-existent. Marcus? I think an ostrich's brain might be smaller than its eyeball. You're right. It's yes. Basically, they're like an incredibly advanced camera with a tiny memory card. Or an idiot with an iPhone. The the early 3d movie house of wax was directed by andre de toth who never appreciated the 3d effect himself because he was blind in one eye and deaf in the other the jelly-like content of the eye is greatly valued by butchers who use it to fill up the space around the meat in pork pies. Pirates on the Spanish main often carried a parrot on their shoulder to take advantage of the parrot's extraordinary

long sight. They also believed that piercing their ears and wearing an earring would improve their eyesight. In Germany, it was once believed that wearing the left eye of a bat as a talisman would make you invisible, and wearing both eyes of a bat would make you invisible to the bat kira knightley was born with unnaturally hairy eyeballs and still has to shave them three times a day as a school girl she used to plait the fine hairs

into tiny pigtails secured with ribbons. Hairy eyeballs affect one person in 900,000, whereas scaly eyeballs affect one person in Cardiff. When the architects, who designed St Basil's Cathedral on Red Square, showed the half-finished building to Tsar Ivan the Terrible, they asked him, do you want onions on that? The Tsar thought they were joking. But when he saw the finished building and realised the architects actually had put onions in all the turrets,

he had the poor man's eyes gouged out as a punishment. The game of squash was first played in China in small courtyards with bats made of palm fronds and the balls were the eyes of executed criminals. The game was popular during the Ming dynasty. Incidentally, members of the Ming Dynasty were considered very ugly because of the shape of their eyes, which were round like a westerner's, hence the verb to Ming, to look unottoyable.

Marcus? I'm thinking maybe the Mings were considered ugly because they had rounder eyes than others. No, I'm afraid they weren't. None of it. That's not true. Thank you, Alan. they had rounder eyes than others no i'm afraid they weren't none of it true thank you alan alan at the end of that round you've managed to score four truths past the rest of the panel

which are that the early 3d movie house of wax was directed by andre de toff who never appreciated the 3d effect himself because he was blind in one eye the second truth is that pirates believed that piercing their ears and wearing an earring would improve their eyesight the third truth is that in germany it was once believed that wearing the left eye of a bat as a talisman would make you invisible and the fourth truth is that the architects who designed saint basil's cathedral on red square for czar ivan the Televal had their eyes gouged out. But it wasn't because he was pissed off, it was because he was pleased and didn't want them to be able to design anything as good again.

So, you know, I imagine at the point they've been gouged out, they must be going, I'm taking this as a compliment. Anyway, Alan, that means you've scored four points. Anyway, Alan, that means you've scored four points. St Lucy is supposed to have gouged out her own eyes after glancing at a man so handsome she feared her vows of chastity were in peril. Coincidentally, I too have had women pluck out their eyes rather than look at me for a moment longer.

I imagine for similar reasons. Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time, which, in Richard Gere's defence, is easily mistaken for a flirtatious wink. Now it's the turn of Jack D. Before he became a comedian, Jack D used to work as a waiter at the Ritz, but quit

after charges of nepotism were levelled against his father, Matre. Your subject, Jack, is cutlery, a collective ensemble of hand implements used in the eating and serving of food, comprising knives, forks and spoons. Off you go, Jack. The Queen mixes the corgis dinner herself

with a knife and fork, feeding them cooked meats, biscuits and gravy at 5pm every day from silver bowls. Lucy. Sorry, I just really, I like the image that the Queen opens the can and mixes up the ingredients herself. Can? How dare you? I don't think it's a can, I think it's a grilled steak.

But no, you're absolutely right, she does. She apparently insists on feeding the corgis herself and this was partly revealed by former Home Secretary David Blunkett in diaries why he's sort of no blanket sorry sorry so blanket relates how he once sat next to the queen at an official banquet and she asked him if he would like his meat cutting up when he politely declined the queen replied you know i often do it for the corgis the much-loved personality giles brandreth owns the largest private collection of cutlery outside the United States and has plans to open a cutlery museum in Shropshire. I might have gone for true, but the much-loved bit...

In 17th century England, forks were considered an insult to God, who had given us fingers to eat with, a belief that is still prevalent in Norfolk. who had given us fingers to eat with, a belief that is still prevalent in Norfolk. Mary Whitehouse once objected to a cutlery reference made on Play for Today, written by Irish playwright Brian Friel. The line she was offended by was, Pass me a fork and knife.

She claimed it was a deliberate attempt to offend, as one would normally say, Pass me a knife and fork. Until the late 19th century, British sailors were forbidden to use forks as they were considered unmanly and harmful to discipline. When the car park at Stonehenge was created, a huge haul of primitive clay spoons was found by builders who assumed it was rubbish and smashed it up to make gravel

for part of the new path leading to the gift shop. Marcus. I think they might have found path leading to the gift shop. Marcus. I think they might have found a load of clay spoons there. No, they didn't. They didn't. No. No, those little wooden ones you get in the top of a tub of ice cream. Nothing.

No. They're quite rough on your tongue, those little wooden tubs. Terribly. My brother's phobic. He is even watching people eat anything off like a wooden spoon liquor wooden spoon anything like that he feels faint how is he with a lolly dreadful he can't he has to stop when he gets near the um it's awful right really awful what a waste of money buying him a lolly must be yeah well we stopped when he was about six years old is this the brother who used to hold down and shove twigs into his mouth?

Yeah, Twiggy. So much. How is he with a tea that's had a wooden stirrer put through it? Oh, he wouldn't like that. Right. No, he wouldn't like that. Because of the scraping of the wood against the liquid. Against the side of the cup, yeah.

He was going to go to a self-help group, but there isn't a local branch, so... I'm not a massive fan of wood in my mouth either, to be honest, so... In Elizabethan England, the spoon was such a rarity that people carried their own folding spoons to banquets. In 2006, in a restaurant in Sydney, Australia, a woman accidentally swallowed a six-inch spoon while having a laughing fit as she ate a plate of spaghetti. According to Giles Brandreth...

All of them could be... According to Giles Brandreth, chopsticks are not cutlery and he therefore has no truck with them. Well, that's almost certainly true. No. No, it's not true. one of the other ones was probably true thank you jack at the end of that round jack you've also managed to smuggle four truths past everyone else which are which are that in 17th century england forks were considered an insult to god and they hate it at the end when you just ah it buzzed at all the crap ones

the second truth is that until the late 19th century british sailors were forbidden to use forks as they were considered unmanly and harmful to discipline. In England, the use of forks was for many years viewed as an unmanly Italian affectation. And as late as 1897, there are reports of some naval figures regarding forks as being prejudicial to discipline and manners. And the third truth is that in Elizabethan England, the spoon was such a rarity that people carried their own folding spoons to banquets.

And the fourth truth is that in 2006, in a restaurant in Sydney, Australia, aia a woman accidentally swallowed i was gonna say that i was gonna buzz for that and there was a woman in the second row who laughed so much at it i thought that can't possibly be true it's your doctors at sydney's canterbury hospital eventually managed to remove the item by using snares to lasso the spoon and pull it out of her esophagus and through her throat. But can you imagine what sort of a laugh, and I'm really massively amused by something, but also this is such delicious spaghetti, I mustn't stop shoving it in my face,

and I have to open my mouth to laugh anyway, which is great, but then sometimes when you laugh, you inhale, and in it goes. Oh my God. Anyway, I think that was an amusing episode and I wish I'd seen it. That means, Jack, that you scored four points.

Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place with minus two points, we have Jack D. In third place with minus two points, we have Jack D. In third place with minus one point, it's Marcus Brigstock. In second place with two points, it's Alan Davis.

And in first place with an unassailable four points is this week's winner, Lucy Porter. And that's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the Unbelievable Truth. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden

and features David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Marcus Brigstocke, Lucy Porter, Alan Davies and Jack Dean. The chairman's script was written by Colin Swash and John Finnamore, and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.