The Unbelievable Truth - 07x05 Sheep, Furniture, Ancient Greeks, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

07x05 2 May 2011 Clive Anderson, Henning Wehn, Sue Perkins, Graeme Garden Sheep, Furniture, Ancient Greeks, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Truth and Lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Tonight's panel are four incorrigible liars, each the most admired comedian of their generation. OK, make that five incorrigible liars. Please welcome Graham Garden, Henning Vane, Sue Perkins and Clive Anderson. The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Clive Anderson. Clive, your subject is sheep, described by my dictionary as ruminant mammals with thick woolly coats and edible flesh called mutton, usually living in

flocks unknown for their timidity. Off you go, Clive. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Now, whatever the truth of the claims that the Emperor Caligula appointed his horse, Incitatus, as consul, he is reported to have married his favourite sheep, Mutonia, in a ceremony attended by senators and leading figures of Rome. Henny. I can easily imagine him marrying a sheep.

Right. Well, you'll have to, because there's no historical evidence for it. Italy, after all. Yes. I wouldn't be surprised if Berlusconi were to marry... He doesn't marry in kind. You wouldn't marry them. His motto is, might as well be married for a lamb as a sheep, though, because he does stick to the younger members of NOAA.

Allegedly. I'm sure he'll get off. Yeah, he does. That's guaranteed. One way or another. Now, in Montana, it is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone. So you...

Sue. I know to my cost that to be true well you're absolutely right well done it's interesting that the use of the expression the cab of your truck makes it clear the type of vehicle they expect likely offenders to have some bizarre American motoring laws are that in California, no vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. And in Oregon, a door on a car may not be left open longer than necessary. The use of sheep's wool as a clothing for humans has a recorded history of at least a million years. The first five hieroglyphs to be decoded from the writing on the walls of the Great Pyramid of Giza

are sheep, wool, hand, wash only. Wool is 100 times warmer than any man-made substitute, though dog hair is actually 80% warmer than any sheep wool. So... The first of those two. Sheep wool is 100 times warmer than... Any man-made substitute. Any man-made substitute.

I go for the second one. Oh, this is sort of a... You're going for the dog hair being... This is a new format. OK. We're all just fine with it. So how many points are you willing to gamble as we go into the gold pit?

You're right, Henning, and you're wrong, Sue. So, yeah, no, wool is not 100 times warmer than any man-made substitute, but dog hair is 80% warmer than any sheep wool. Seems unbelievable, doesn't it, really? No, it's because they have got less hair. How does that follow? Well, because they both have to stay equally warm, don't they, the dog and the sheep?

Why? No, my dog's at home under loads of blankets, whereas a sheep's on a fell shivering. Yeah, but back in the day there was no central heating. Do you think there's some... Because we know they were both invented by Jesus.

I don't accept your premise there, Henning, that all animals have to be equally warm. Yeah, but... Well, it's no good if any of them freezes to death, is it? And yet they do. I mean, they do. Animals do. Yeah, but, well, it's no good if any of them freezes to death, is it? So, and now... And yet they do. I mean, they do. Animals do. Yeah, if they're not careful. So, and go out

with all their heads. Yeah. This is all a bit woolly, isn't it, Henny? Apparently, you can have things made out of dog hair, and it's referred to as changora, from the French for dog and angora. I don't know why that's so displeasing to everyone. Somebody actually tutted.

Shangora. Shangora. Honestly. Never heard a like for this. Carrying on? The expression a wolf in sheep's clothing ultimately derives from a Mongolian animal called Lupus ovinoides, a small wolf which had evolved to have fur which was exactly like sheep's wool. In addition, it bleated like a lamb and even smelt faintly of mint sauce.

By this clever camouflage, they could creep up on herds of sheep without being noticed. Unfortunately, the species was wiped out by ordinary wolves who also mistook them for sheep. wiped out by ordinary wolves who also mistook them for sheep. The association between lamb and mint sauce in England was caused by Queen Elizabeth I. She decreed that lamb could only be eaten with bitter herbs.

Sue. That's true. She did it out of spite. Because in Britain there is that tradition of not really enjoying oneself, isn't there? And then there is... I was going to is yeah happy-go-lucky germans a smile always playing on your lips obviously i mean yes henning the british and the germans share many miserable self-loathing traditions yeah no but i was thinking that then probably they put that they say oh that the sheep is so nice

you're not having just a nice sheep you also have to eat some of that horrible mint sauce and then round it off with an after eight yeah you're basically that is the rationale elizabeth the first was anxious to discourage the consumption of lamb and mutton in order to maximize the availability of sheep for the declining wool industry. So that's why she said they had to be eaten with bitter herbs so it would be less nice. And what I find bizarre, people even up to this day eat it with mint sauce,

even though they're not forced to by law anymore. You can enjoy yourselves, you know. You don't have to eat it with that mint sauce. People eat it with ketchup like civilised people. Look, it's not... People don't like things because they're nice. People like things because they're used to them. That's the whole principle behind Radio 4. The best-selling book of the American Deep South, Gone With The Wind,

was originally going to be called Bar Bar Black Sheep. But whatever the racist connotation of the expression, the black sheep of the family, black sheep are more likely to be struck by lightning than white sheep, but have a better sense of smell. Sue. Sorry, are they more likely to be struck by lightning or have they got a of smell? Sue. Sorry. Are they more likely to be struck by lightning or have they got a better smell?

They are more... Sorry, my thought process is so not... I don't know why I thought I'd share my internal monologue with everyone there. Don't make your mind up. I'll have the other one. Alright. And I put a fiver on none of them being true. Okay, I'm going to say the smell, that they have a greater sense of smell.

And I'll go for lightning. Graham's right. Ah! Yes, there is evidence that black sheep are more likely to be struck by lightning than white sheep. A thunderstorm in Laplaux in France in 1968 occurred during which lightning struck a flock of sheep, killing all the black ones but leaving the white ones untouched. Were they black before the lightning struck?

Thank you, Clive. And at the end of that round, Clive, you've managed to smuggle just one truth past everyone else, which is that Bar Bar Black Sheep was a working title for Margaret Mitchell's Gone With the Wind.

And that means you've scored one point. It was recently announced that an Australian scientist has created the world's first self-shearing sheep. I'm sorry, but I can't believe there's any such thing. I mean, really? An Australian scientist? Okay, we turn now to Henning Vane. Your subject, Henning, is furniture. Functional objects for household or office use intended to support the human body, provide storage, or hold objects on horizontal surfaces

above the ground. Off you go, Henning. If you believe Mel Gibson, and there is no reason not to, furniture as we know it today was invented by Jesus. The golden age for furniture in the UK was the time of King Arthur. Interestingly, his legendary round table was meant to be oval, but Pickford's lost the middle section during the move from Lioness to Camelot in 900 AD. They finally settled out of court in 2006. Excavations at Pompeii revealed that Komodo Salfas Aras, the governor, may have been the most unfortunate man in the ancient world.

Within the ruins were a knicker drawer containing his adulterous wife's diary and a cellophane-covered DFS sofa, believed to be the only one not bought in a double savings, never to be repeated sale. Italians first perfected the art of sitting down and doing very little. Even the word bank derives from banca, the Italian word for bench. Clive. That's right. It is right. Yes, well done. The word bank derives from banca, the Italian word for bench. Clive. That's right. It is right.

Yes, well done. The word bank derives from bank of the Italian word for bench. When a lender went bust, he would physically break his... Hang on. Oh, sorry. Are you saying that? Yes. They had it down for me as well.

Sorry. When a lender went bust... You might know that, David. Graham. Repetition. When... Oh. We can't challenge you with the rules of another game. That can't be right.

Put your hands up. Oh, don't start that again. Yeah, grin and bear it. For you, this round is over. And when a lender went bust, he would bianca, turn white, then break his bunker in a hissy fit and wait for the EU to organise a bunga, an emergency bailout. As a last resort, he might have to arrange a bunga bunga, a private audience with the Italian Prime Minister. Last year, 16 people were buried alive under IKEA Big Billy bookshelves while trying to fix them to the wall. But that's nothing compared to Admiral Lord Nelson who put a coffin behind his chair on HMS Victory. He used the coffin not only as a chilling reminder of his own mortality,

but as a cupboard for his collection of Blackadder box sets. Sue. He did have a coffin behind his chair? He did have a coffin behind his chair? He did have a coffin behind his chair. His coffin dominated his small cabin at sea and was also used as a bed while he was alive. This next bit will make me sound a lot more learned than I am, whilst in fact it only proves what's possible

if you apply yourself for an hour on Amazon. Mary Shelley, who wrote Frankenstein, kept her husband's heart inside her desk. Edgar Allan Poe, who wrote The Tell-Tale Heart, kept a monkey's paw in his commode. W.W. Jacobs, who wrote The Monkey's Paw, kept a pair of arms in his bedside table. And Ernest Hemingway, who wrote A Farewell to Arms,

kept the lengths of Lucky Cat's intestine hidden away. I think the truth in all that is the Poe one. He had a monkey's claw in his... somewhere. No, he didn't. Oh, didn't he? No. Yeah, that did make Henning sound more intelligent than he is. The guts weren't seen again until the cat was run over

by a Pickford's furniture van in Havana in 1949. And furniture is crucial to our good fortune, especially tables. In Finland, children must be seated first at the dinner table, lest they be eaten by Akras, the turnip god. turnip god. In Iceland, it is believed that single women shouldn't sit at the corner of a table or they will remain unmarried for seven years. And who would doubt the Icelanders when they've so correctly observed that a 6.3% interest rate on savings is perfectly sustainable in the bear market and that fermented seagull is a tasty snack. Even if you have no belief in the Chinese system of Feng Shui, you can't fail to have noticed that how your furniture is arranged determines your fortune.

If your furniture is arranged on the pavement outside, you have been evicted and hard times lie ahead. Thank you, Henning. And that means, Henning, you've smuggled three truths past everyone else, which are, firstly, if you believe Mel Gibson, furniture as we know it today was invented by Jesus. And this is... was invented by Jesus. Henning has inferred this from a scene from Mel Gibson's film The Passion of the Christ, in which Mary is seen to be astounded by an ornate modern table made by

her carpenter son. And she declares in Hebrew, this will never catch on on i think it's one of the lighter moments in that particular crucifixion flick second truth is that mary shelly kept her husband's heart inside her desk and the third truth is that in iceland it's believed that single women shouldn't sit at the corner of a table or they will remain unmarried for seven years. And that means, Henning, you've scored three points. The Dutch brand name for the furniture polish pledge actually means piss in the Netherlands. And you thought the Dutch for piss was Heineken. Brad Pitt collects chairs. He's not sure why.

There's just something about the way they sit there, woodenly, that speaks to his very depths. Next up, it's Sue Perkins. Your subject, Sue, is the ancient Greeks, a people whose culture is widely considered to have been the foundation stone of Western civilisation. Off you go, Sue. The ancient Greeks were mostly idiots.

You'd get stuck with one on a bus or down the chippy and you'd give it all that and they'd go, oh, we invented the abacus or we built the Colosseum. But it is now time to hear the truth about those Mediterranean Muppets. They believed the brain pumped blood around the body. The womb had two compartments, one for girls, one for boys, and their tattoos were way cool. They thought...

Graham. I think they believed one of those anatomical things, and I'm going to go for the brain pumping blood round the body. I go for the other one, then. There are three. There are three if tattoos were way cool. You think, Graham, that they thought the brain pumped blood round the body? Well, which one's true

i'll tell you what i've gone for now well would that be okay oh no um no i'm afraid that's not true graham what about the double womb job then uh it's true you're right um but i'm going to give henning the point as the first person to say that the thing that was true that wasn't the thing that graham thought might be true might be true. Very kind. Thank you. You're very welcome. The Greeks thought trees were pink, the sky was bronze, frogs were transparent, and the sea was blue. They were chumps. Wait till you hear about their gods, which is what I'm going to tell you about next.

Ancient Greek inventions. These include the trouser press, the printing press, the fiat punto, the format of deal or no deal, and Canada. Anyway, they're gods. The ancient Greeks worshipped over 6,000 gods, including Cellophania, goddess of advanced food preparation, Forex, god of skittles and skittle players, and Martin, god of all the things that don't otherwise have gods all the greek gods were descended from zeus whom they believed had fathered children whilst disguised as a bear a goose a millipede a pack of cards a small occasional table and nicholas lyndhurst any well they certainly believed that zeus was the father of all other gods no they didn't some gods were not zeus's

offspring including for example i pick randomly the one on this piece of paper chronos wasn't uh wasn't descended from zeus i think you'll find who appeared on the greek version of jeremy kyle to actually dispute other religious beliefs of the ancient Greeks included that children born with blue eyes must be sacrificed to Artemis and that parsley was sacred to the gods and must never be eaten.

Which, as far as I'm concerned, is the one thing they were right about. Graham. I think there are superstitions about parsley. So I'm going to go for the parsley truth parsley truth yes the parsley truth is a true truth the ancient greeks did not use parsley for cooking or eating as they believed it was sacred to the dead the ancient greek leader pericles lived in terror of the sky falling on his head after a prophecy he was given by a wise old soothsayer

named Chicken Licken. To avoid this fate, he refused to go out of doors without eight of his men holding a rug over him to catch any stray bits of sky and would never take off his helmet. Although this has led some historians to believe that the whole sky thing was just a ruse because he had a really weirdly pointy head

and was quite self-conscious about it. I think the beginning but that's true the pericles did fear the sky falling on him he didn't pericles didn't fear the sky falling on his head or if he did he kept it quiet maybe it's true that he only went out with his people holding a rock over his head no that's not true either no you think you're You're thinking of Bruce Forsythe. Sue. I went to ancient Greece on holiday once. It rained.

Two stars, a void. Thank you, Sue. Sue, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the ancient greeks were mostly idiots in ancient greece an idiot was the word for a private citizen or layman the second truth is that the ancient greeks thought the sky was bronze they basically didn't have a word for blue and would allude to blue things by saying that they were like bronze or they said that the sea was wine colored i think

at one point and basically they didn't cotton on to blue yeah but as aforementioned they were mostly idiots and the third truth is that the ancient greek leader pericles would never take off his helmet because he had a weirdly pointy head and was really self-conscious about it he was he had a weirdly pointy head because he always self-conscious about it. But he only had a weirdly pointy head because he always had his helmet on and was squeezing into that shape. Yes. What an idiot. Yeah.

He was one of the majority of Greeks. And that means he's scored three points. Now it's the turn of Graham Garden. One of Graham's most embarrassing confessions is that for a while he wrote for Mr Blobby. I must admit, it's disappointing to hear that those lines were actually written for Mr Blobby. I always thought the order he said the words

Blobby, Blobby and Blobby was entirely spontaneous. Your subject, Graham, is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the British author best known as creator of the famous detective Sherlock Holmes. Off you go, Graham. Arthur Doyle was nicknamed Conan at school because of his barbarian ways. When he was a student, Arthur Conan Doyle was deeply impressed by the deductive methods of his mentor, Dr Gregory House.

As a result, it was on Dr house that he based his most famous fictional creation bertie wooster as an irishman conan doyle had a lifelong hatred of cricket but as a keen soccer fan he played in goal for portsmouth football club and he was all ireland hurling champion for three years running. Sue. Which one? I'm going to go for he was the hurling champion. No. He liked cricket. He did. He liked cricket. So it wasn't true that he hated cricket. So both things were wrong.

Both things were wrong. Good, just making sure that both were wrong. Good. He did once run in the marathon at the Olympic Games and he might have won when the Italian runner ahead of him seemed about to collapse in the final straight. However, being a gentleman, Sir Arthur helped him over the line to finish the race in first place,

and as a result, the Italian was disqualified. Sherlock Holmes has been played by 175 different actors on film and television, including Tilda Swinton, who starred with Molly Sugden in the short-lived comedy series Shirley Combs and Doris Watson. The name Sherlock, meaning good fortune, is the 42nd most popular boy's name in the UK. It beats Arthur, which comes in at 44,

although Conan is the third most popular, just after Adolf. Conan Doyle actually solved the case of Jack the Ripper, but his solution was hushed up by the powers that be. He was never allowed to name the killer, although he frequently referred to Jill the Ripper. When Harry Houdini publicly admitted that his amazing feats were tricks, Conan Doyle accused him of misleading the public, insisting that Houdini must be using genuine magic and supernatural powers, and it all ended in a bitter row, and they never spoke again until three years after Houdini's death. Conan Doyle's original title for the story The Society of Twelve was, in fact, The Big Society.

But his publishers persuaded him that that was a really stupid idea. As a conscientious objector, Conan Doyle was firmly against the Boer War. He wrote a satirical piece in the Strand magazine, sarcastically praising Britain's conduct of the war and saying, what a good idea the concentration camps were. However, the establishment took him seriously and congratulated him on expressing these views and gave him a knighthood.

Clive. Well, there's got to be some truths hidden in some of this, Graham. You've been going for hours now. We haven't spotted anything. I think he must have written a piece in Strand magazine sarcastically or satirically commenting on the Boer War. Well, you're absolutely right. He did write a piece in the Strand magazine about the Boer War, but it wasn't satirical or sarcastic.

He wrote a piece genuinely praising britain's conduct of the boer war and saying what a good idea the concentration camps that we used in that war were and he did get a knighthood for that rather than for the sherlock holmes story well who'd have thought who'd have thought the sherlock holmes stories are popular everywhere apart from japan so is it true they're not very popular there? No, that's not true. Sherlock Holmes is very popular there, and the Japanese Sherlock Holmes Club has over 1,200 members. 32 of the club's members have married one another.

I don't even know whether that's 16 weddings or just one big one. Conan Doyle had one child, a daughter called Lindsay, and Lindsay Doyle never forgave him for the name. Thank you, Graham. Graham, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle four truths past everyone else, which are that Conan Doyle played in goal for portsmouth fc while living in south sea arthur conan doyle played football as a goalkeeper for the then

portsmouth fc which apparently is different from the portsmouth fc now but anyway it was the main football club in portsmouth at the time the second truth is that he helped italian marathon runner dorando pietri over the finishing line at the 1980 olympic games leading to that runner's The second truth is that he helped Italian marathon runner Dorando Pietri over the finishing line at the 1980 Olympic Games, leading to that runner's disqualification. Apparently the runner was all exhausted and running around in a bewildered state and didn't even know where the finish line was, and people felt sorry for him.

Among them, Conan Doyle helped him across the line, you know, as part of the fun of the Games, and then the Americans complained and he was disqualified. The third truth is that Conan Doyleyle frequently referred to jill the ripper because he believed it was possible that jack the ripper was a woman and the fourth truth is that he fell out with harry houdini after houdini contradicted conan doyle's belief that houdini's spectacular escapes were due to supernatural powers and in, Houdini demonstrated that these were tricks, and that didn't fit in with Conan Doyle's spiritualist beliefs at that point.

So he got cross and they fell out. And that means, Graham, that you've scored four points. The largest organisation devoted to Sherlock Holmes is in Tokyo. The Japanese Sherlock Holmes Club boasts over 1,000 Japanese members who've earned their place by passing the almost impossible test of saying elementary, my dear Watson. Which brings us to the final score. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Henning Vein.

APPLAUSE we have Henning Vein. In third place, with minus one point, it's Sue Perkins. In second place, with zero points, it's Clive Anderson. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, it's this week's winner, Graham Garden. And that's about it for this week.

All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Clive Anderson, Henning Vein, Sue Perkins and Graham Garden, and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Clive Anderson, Henning Veen, Sue Perkins and Graham Garden. The chairman's script was written by Colin Swash and John Finnemore, and the producer was John Naismith.

It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.