The Unbelievable Truth - 07x06 Badgers, Ears, Divorce, Ice Cream

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

07x06 9 May 2011 Rhod Gilbert, Arthur Smith, Tony Hawks, Charlie Brooker Badgers, Ears, Divorce, Ice Cream

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. It's the programme where all the contestants are actively encouraged to pull each other's legs. Just one of the reasons we've never had Heather Mills on the show. On this week's panel, we have four natural heirs to Pinocchio, by which I mean they're accomplished liars and not wooden performers with no genitals.

Please welcome Arthur Smith, Tony Hawks, Charlie Brooker and Rod Gilbert. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth

or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Rod Gilbert. Rod, your subject is badgers, described by my encyclopaedia as omnivorous burrowing mammals of the weasel family, known for their thick black coat marked with distinctive white stripes. Off you go, Rod. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. A badger set typically has three floors.

Badger bedrooms often have en-suite bathrooms. Lounge and dining areas tend to be open plan. Winston Churchill was a great fan of the badger. Bathrooms, lounge and dining areas tend to be open plan. Winston Churchill was a great fan of the badger. At a party in the cabinet war rooms, Churchill once inflated a dead badger, coated its lips in Vaseline and made what is thought to be the world's first whoopee cushion. Victorian ladies would sew two badgers' ears together as a charm.

Hung around the neck, a picture of their sweetheart was placed inside. Tony. Yep, I'll go for that. That's not true. Good. Right, let's crack straight on. OK. If you'd waited for the next sentence, you'd possibly not have buzzed. It says, Victorian ladies would sew two badgers' ears together as a charm.

Hung around the neck, a picture of their sweetheart was placed inside. Hence the phrase, My love, you are always in my heart and often in my furry badger locket. I think that might have stopped the buzzing. I'd have still gone for it. Victorian gents used badger legs as rudimentary sparklers on New Year's Eve. The bones of a badger's willy

had thousands of applications, including cocktail sticks, toothpicks, mouse drumsticks, travel xylophones, horse earrings, cufflinks, hairpins, tie pins, knitting needles and chess pieces for dogs. Charlie, you've spotted the list. earrings, cufflinks, hairpins, tiepins, knitting needles and chess pieces for dogs. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Keep up. I'll happily do it again. Pick up? Yeah. You've got a set of his and hers travel xylophone. Horse earrings,

cufflinks, hairpins, tiepins. Tony. I'm going for the hairpins and tiepins. You're going for hairpins and tiepins? Yes. Well, I'm going to give you the point, because tiepins is right.

Hang on! Oh, well, come on. They're pins, aren't they? I could have just said one of the words he said. I know, he's kidding. I can't believe this anyway. I mean, have they got a bone? Yes, listen. Most mammals

have bones in their penises. Oh, dear. Am mammals have bones in their penises. Oh dear, am I missing something? No. No, you're alright. The baculum, or penis bone, is common in most mammals, although absent in humans. Oh, thank God. No.

In Victorian times, the baculum of badgers and dog otters were popular as tie pins. They were commonly given as a wedding gift, symbolising fertility and often given from the father of the bride to the groom. I call that a bit of a disgusting tradition. Badgers' noses had many practical uses around the house, most commonly as cheap and cheerful doorstops. However, inevitably, noseless badgers, unable to fend for themselves,

headed en masse for the cities looking for work. Ironically, many found workers draft excluders and doorstops, so for a time a noseless badger could find itself working alongside its own nose. Arthur? I think it's plausible that a badger could be a kind of doorstoppy type thing. Badger could be a kind of doorstoppy type thing, you know. I mean, I guess the way Rod is sniggering, maybe I have my suppositions wrong. I think there's absolutely...

I, for one, have used a badger as a doorstop. I think there's absolutely no doubt that a dead badger could be used as a doorstop. But I don't think it's true that they were commonly used as doorstops. Badger meat had a resurgence in popularity during World War I, a second resurgence during World War II,

and a third resurgence under the Labour leadership of Neil Kinnock. Tony? I think during World War I, they did eat badger meat. Wrong war. I'd say two. Oh. Yeah, because my dad ateger meat. Wrong war. I'd say two. Oh, yeah. Because my dad ate badgers. That's why the door wouldn't stay shut.

It was eaten a lot during World War II, badger meat. And in Russia, it's still widespread. Badgers take great pride in their lovemaking, and a badger who could only manage an hour of lovemaking per day would be considered bad in bed. 90 minutes of lovemaking would be considered a more reasonable target. Charlie. If badgers have a bone in their penis, then a badger probably can make love for ages,

so a badger that can only make love for an hour probably would be considered bad in bed. If badgers make love for an hour probably would be considered bad in bed. If badgers make love in beds. Yes, you're absolutely right, Charlie. Badger mating lasts on average 90 minutes, although it can last as little as a couple of minutes. So it doesn't always work. Female badgers are least receptive to male sexual advances during the full moon.

Interesting fact. Who found that out? Well, I think we can guess a man dressed as a badger. Badgers are the most commonly used animal in warfare. The Romans used them as early muskets. Pointing the badgers at their enemies and asking the badgers to shout, bang.

More recently in America it was rumoured that the Russians the badgers to shout, Bang! More recently in America, it was rumoured that the Russians used badgers as spies during the Cold War, that the French Resistance released badgers on rural French roads to hamper German tank commanders, and that British troops released man-eating badgers to kill terrorists in Iraq. Charlie? I believe that the French Resistance might have tried to thwart the Nazis

with some brave badges. No, they didn't. In fact, they bloody should have done, actually. I've always had my doubts about the French Resistance, and this proves it. They weren't really trying. And that's the end of Rod's lecture. Thank you.

And, Rod, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that badgers have basically en suite bathrooms in their sets. They're fastidiously clean, with their sets containing well-lined sleeping areas with separate latrines or dung pits. And the second truth is that in 2007, British troops were said to release man-eating badgers to kill terrorists in Iraq. This wasn't true. They refuted the suggestions, but the word had spread among locals that this was happening, and it turned out to be vicious honey badgers. And that means you've

scored two points. Beneath the M5 motorway at Exeter, there's a special underpass for badgers, as so many of them live in Exmouth but like to shop in Newton Abbott. OK, we turn now to Arthur Smith. Your subject, Arthur, is ears, the organs of hearing and balance found in vertebrates, usually located symmetrically on opposite sides of the head. Off you go, Arthur. Military medals were originally the ears of enemies killed in battle,

pinned to the chest of the winning side. Charlie. That's got a ring of truth about it. You can imagine, can't you, a victorious general with a chest full of ears? Yeah. I'm sure it will now be adopted. It's not true. No.

Tutting the ear is an insult in Italy, meaning you are a homosexual and should wear an earring. Tony. I think it is an insult in Italy. Shame on the Italians. That is right, it is an insult in Italy. It's a suggestion that someone might be gay in a society where that's not deemed fine.

It's all right for Berlusconi to have bunga parties. Do you know, I went to a lap dancing joint in Rome. Turned out it was a meeting of the Italian cabinet. A Korean prisoner whose mouth and nose were taped over was able to survive by breathing through his ears. A Malaysian man succeeded in flying nearly 50 metres using his ears as wings. Rod. The Malaysian man succeeded in flying nearly 50 metres using his ears as wings. Rod, have you recently seen Dumbo?

Just for the heck of it, I'm going to go with that second one. The Malaysian man flying 50 metres using his ears as wings? Yes. Plausible, though, that sounds. That apparently isn't true. Maybe ten metres. Technically if somebody jumps off a high building

and then they... On the way down it could be argued that they did use their ears as wings. Can you flap your ears Rob? No, but it's hard to prove when you get down that somebody didn't use their ears as wings. It's easy to prove they didn't fly. somebody didn't use their ears as wings. It's easy to prove they didn't fly. I didn't say they were good wings.

I mean, you don't have to flap them for them to be wings. Absolutely. Because I've been on most planes I've been on the wings don't flap. Twenty years ago a 55-year-old factory worker from China noticed air leaking from his ears and soon discovered he could inflate balloons

and blow out candles. Rod. Well, I'm going to go with this one because I should have gone for the one earlier about the bloke surviving with his mouth and nose taped up. I bet that's true. On this one, you're absolutely right. Well done. In fact, he's not the only one. There's a 36-year-old called Zhang Zijian who can do everything from smoking a cigarette to inflating bicycle tyres, using nothing but the air expelled from his ears. The fig bat of Madagascar is not a true bat, as it glides from tree to tree on specially modified wing-like ears.

Rod. I hate to buzz all the time and lengthen this show, but I have seen flying bats and things that fly from tree to tree with those big wingy things on David Attenborough. Yeah, but they're wings. Yeah, they're not ears. Leave the whole flying with your ears. Let it go.

Let it drop. Every ant has over a hundred ears. Crocodiles use their ears to smell with. Woodpeckers have an ear at the end of their tongue. Charlie. Crocodiles smell with their ears. No, they don't.

I suspect that the thing that crocodiles smell with, however ear-like it might look, would be termed a nose. It could be a combined thing, like a spork. They've got bloody great big nostrils that stick out of water. They don't use

those for smelling weird. They do. What do they use them for then? Thinking? I don't know. No, he's quite right. They're just massive thinking holes. But no, crocodiles don't smell with their ears and I don't think they have a sort of unified spork-like ear nose.

Did I say that? Gorillas have a residual ear in their armpits. Beavers have closable ears and so does my friend Gary. Tony, I think ants have got a hundred ears. They don't. I think gorillas have got one under the armpit. They don't. This is absolute...

This is points carny. Beavers have closable ears, and so does my friend Gary. Charlie. Beavers have closable ears. They do. Yay! Can I, Ron.

Well, so does his friend, Charlie. Gary, well, just tell me, Gary, he's a friend of mine

and he says he can choose not to hear, as it were. Yeah. Is that why you're such great friends? I would say no human can close their ears without using their hands. But if you're saying, Arthur, that your friend Gary can,

I'll give you a lot of points. He can choose not to hear. That doesn't mean he's closing his ears. No, it just means he's ignoring you. No. What I'm saying is that he can close his ears. He didn't say without using his hands. Well, hang on, I'll ring him up.

He won't hear it. I don't think if you use your hands, it counts as a closable ear in the same way. Why not? Because I'm arbitrary and... Drunk with power. Drunk with power and in general a bastard. Would you describe... Do you have a wardrobe in your bedroom?

If you're going to now say that because I have to use my hand to close my wardrobe, my wardrobe's not closable unless I say that the human has a closable ear, then just don't go there. Narnia would never have existed without you involved, would it? Oh, don't go in the wardrobe. All right, that's the end of that book. Great. Of the 7.5 million people that use television subtitles in Britain, 6 million have no hearing impairment. Charlie. I believe that.

They're just not really paying attention. You're absolutely right to believe that. Research was carried out by the TV regulator Ofcom. It's thought that many hearing people use subtitles to help them keep up with complicated plot twists and unfamiliar accents in American TV dramas. The Indonesian writer Ibnu Satengkeng surprised midwives when he was born with two complete sets of ears, one on each head. Thank you, Arthur.

each head. Thank you, Arthur. And, Arthur, at the end of that round you've smuggled only one truth past the rest of the panel. I must have scored about 50 points, didn't I? Oh, yeah, absolutely. But the truth that survived the barrage of guessing was that the woodpecker's tongue acts as an extension

to their ear. There's a concentration of nerve endings at the end of their tongue which allows them to listen for moving grubs by picking up very small vibrations. I don't know whether they cry if the grubs are particularly moving. That means, Arthur, you've scored one point.

Next up is Tony Hawks. For his first book, Tony went round the whole of Ireland taking a fridge with him. Yep, just what you need when you bump into an Irishman. A conversation piece. Your subject, Tony, is divorce. The legal dissolution of a marriage contract between two people marked by judgment of court

or by socially accepted custom. Off you go, Tony. Divorced people smell. Chuck. They smell of failure I think all people smell Yeah, it's true, everyone smells Everyone does smell I think you can have a point for that

And they aren't allowed to enter the X Factor Rod Such a curious little nugget that They're not allowed to enter the X Factor. Right. Such a curious little nugget, that, they're not allowed to enter the X Factor. I reckon that's true. No, no, that's not true. They should give them their own category, though. That would be amazingly bitter.

Well, there could be a whole spin-off, couldn't there? The X Factor, bracket, divorced. All by myself! The rule would have to be that that's the only song they're allowed to sing. I think that was far too much passion and intensity for an X Factor release. When divorces happen, men become very happy when they are ordered by the courts to give half of what they own to their former wives. One man in New jersey was so keen to

do this fairly that he took his chainsaw and cut his house in half arthur anything with new jersey in it that tony says is true well that thing is true so well done eugene schneider objected when a divorce court ordered him to divide his property equally with his wife and so took his chainsaw and cut his $80,000 wooden bungalow in half. Rolf Harris's parents divorced and remarried once. Lou... Charlie. That's entirely possible.

Yes, but it isn't true. That's where we are on that one. Lulu's parents divorced and remarried twice. That would be less likely, but also possible. Oh, come on! Cher's parents divorced and remarried three times. Also possible, but, you know, that's a lot of... He's just toying with us, isn't he?

But I've fallen. I've gone for the share one. And you're right to go. Yes. I'm on a roll. Divorce is illegal in Indonesia, so men find ways to beat the system. In June 2003,

one 28-year-old Indonesian man drugged his wife, put her in a parcel and attempted to send her to his brother in Australia. Charlie. That's too insane to not be true. I'm afraid that comes from Tony's imagination. I don't know whether he'd probably defend it as a joke,

but it may be a plan. Another 28-year-old Indonesian man married no fewer than 121 women in a period of seven years. That is true. You're right, it is. In 1981, an Indonesian man was jailed for seven years for marrying 121 women. In mitigation, he pointed out that he had divorced 93 of them. Mr and Mrs Ballard of California opted to divorce while skydiving. I'm sorry.

That's just what they all do, isn't it, Americans? No, you're absolutely right. Mr and Mrs Ballard of California divorced while skydiving. Mr Ballard's lawyer followed them out of the plane and served divorce papers on Mrs Ballard at 10,000 feet. Saudi Arabian women can obtain a separation

if their husband doesn't give them coffee. I am divorced. In ninth... Oh, sorry. I just wanted to surprise you, mate. You're assuming someone will want to marry him in the first place. That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever

said to Taylor. In 1992, I married Judith Chalmers, but she successfully sued for divorce on the grounds that I was too handsome. Thank you, Tony. At the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, Tony,

which is that not providing coffee could be grounds for divorce in Saudi Arabia. It was grounds for divorce in the statute book of the 17th century Ottoman Empire, and basically it's incredibly difficult, obviously, for a woman to get a divorce in Saudi Arabia, but she could

cite denial of coffee as a fault. So it is one of the reasons you might be able to get a divorce in Saudi Arabia, except you won't be able to if you're a woman, because it's such a horrible place. But that means you've scored one point. Now it's the turn of Charlie Brooker. Your subject, Charlie, is ice cream,

a frozen food usually containing cream, sugar and flavouring, which is eaten as a dessert or in a cone. Off you go, Charlie. Ice cream originated with the Roman emperor Nero, who ordered runners to pass buckets of snow from the mountains down to his palace in Rome, where he would flavour them with wine, honey, fruit, bath salts and slivers of grated slave. However, ice cream as we know it today was invented by founding father Benjamin Franklin, who created the first batch in his wife's enamel chamber pot.

This marked the beginning of an association between politics and ice cream innovation. The French statesman Talleyrand is credited with coming up with the ice cream cone by bending a wafer-thin waffle around a cooling wine glass. Rod. I'm just so bored, I had to stop him for a minute. On humanitarian grounds.

No, that fact, what I meant is, I'll rephrase it, what I mean is that fact about the waffle cone is just so boring that it's got to be true. No. I know it's a long time after, but I'm going for the Emperor Nero. Oh, that's too long after. Oh, please.

You've been thinking too long. No, no, no. Was it not true? Yes, it is true. The Emperor Nero ordered runners to pass buckets of snow from the mountains and then flavoured them. And Margaret Thatcher helped invent the Mr Whippy, although this wasn't entirely out of character

since she thought she was creating a chemical weapon. Margaret Thatcher did help invent the Mr Whippy. You're absolutely right, Rod. She did help invent the Mr Whippy. She discovered a method of doubling the amount of air in ice cream, which allowed manufacturers to use less of the actual ingredients, thereby reducing

costs. She's literally taking ice cream from children. David, please. I know I was a bit late, but I'm knocking on a bit. Can I not have that Nero? You're still cross about the Nero thing? Well, you know, I am, frankly.

No, no, it was too late. No, I can't. Look, the audience, should I be allowed the Nero point? I don't. Look, the audience, should I be allowed the Nero point? Yes! I don't care. Charlie. Ice cream sundaes were invented when American shopkeepers began serving ice cream with syrup on Sundays

in a bid to comply with a law banning them from serving it with soda on the Lord's Day. It's not the only weird ice cream law. In Kansas, it's illegal for eateries to serve ice cream on cherry pie. In Harker County, Massachusetts, it's illegal to serve two scoops of ice cream in a lewd or suggestive configuration. Tony. I'm going for the Massachusetts one.

Well, you're wrong. No! I'm going for the other one, then. What one was that? What do you think's true? Well, you don't expect me to remember it. There were several. There have been several assertions. I'll go for the sundaes being served on Sundays. Rod, you're right.

The sundaes were called sundaes because it was a new recipe for serving ice cream that didn't involve soda that wasn't allowed on the Lord's Day for some crazy American reason in the late 19th century. But sundaes spell S-U-N-D-A-E, isn't it? Yes, it is. They've fooled me all these years. I know. And finally, there are now over 4.5 million flavours of ice cream

registered with the International Ice Cream and Sorbets Board. It's possible to buy ice cream in flavours including prawn cocktail, raw horse flesh, water, cement, Michael Parkinson and heroin. Totally. But there is, unfortunately, a prawn cocktail ice cream. No, there isn't. Rod? There is a heroin ice cream.

No, there isn't. Well, there is a Michael Parkinson ice cream. No, there isn't, but I will take heroin and Michael Parkinson as only one guess. As they have the same flavour. Arthur, I admire that. I still feel bad about this Neil. I feel like a nag me way to a point.

The audience is on my side. Right. Yeah. No point. The audience is on my side. Right. Yeah. No point. Oh. One of that list with Michael Parkinson-Harris. Cement. There's got to be a cement flavour then.

Horse flesh flavour. Yes, it is horse flesh. Thank you. Can I have my point now? No. Far too late. That's it. Charlie's lecture had long since finished.

And Arthur can't have the point for Nero either. And no one... In fact, I'm going to take all the points away. What about Christmas? Is that cancelled? If only it were in my path. Charlie, you managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. Controversially, the Roman Emperor Nero truth about the snow coming down from the mountains, which I think, in fairness,

Arthur Smith has walked off the show, but fortunately just at the point where that no longer matters. The second truth you've smuggled is that in Kansas it is illegal for eateries to serve ice cream on cherry pie. And the third truth is that Japanese basashi ice cream comes in both raw horse flesh and squid ink flavours. And in fact, the raw horse flesh one actually has bits of real raw horse flesh in it,

which I suppose in a way you think makes it worse, but actually, if you're ordering a raw horse flesh ice cream, it must, I suppose, make it better. And that means you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus six points, we have Rod Gilbert.

In third place, with minus four points, it's Charlie Brooker. In second place, with minus three points, it's Tony Hawks. And in first place, in first place, the player that has stormed off the show in a fit of heat, it's Arthur Smith with one point. That's about it for this week.

All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Tony Hawkes, Arthur Smith,

Rod Gilbert and Charlie Brooker. The chairman's script was written by Colin Swash and John Finnamore, and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.