The Unbelievable Truth - 08x01 Reindeer, Pantomime, Christmas decorations, Boxes

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

08x01 26 December 2011 Lee Mack, Graeme Garden, Jack Dee, Rufus Hound Reindeer, Pantomime, Christmas decorations, Boxes

We present the unbelievable truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to the Unbelievable Truth Christmas special. We're coming to you on Boxing Day, otherwise known as the Feast of St Stephen, when the early Christian martyr St Stephen is celebrated with generous helpings of leftover turkey, usually followed by a substantial Yule log. As you'd expect, I'm being assisted by four of my little helpers, and today's comedy elves are Jack D, Graham Garden, Rufus Hound and Lee Mack. The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Lee Mack.

You'll know him as the straight man on BBC One's Would I Lie To You. Lee started out as a... And David definitely isn't the straight man of Would I Lie To You. Lee started out as a blue coat at Pontins in Great Yarmouth, where entertainment was billed as being just a stone's throw away. Sounds like the perfect distance. Lee, your subject is reindeer, described by my encyclopedia as large antler-bearing deer found in the northern and arctic regions of Europe, Asia and North America.

Off you go, Lee. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Reindeer got their name because they were used... Oh, they were used, sorry. You can pronounce used two different ways, can't you? Used or used. Interesting fact, though. Rufus. That is true. That is true, can't you? Used or used. Interesting fact there. Rufus.

That is true. That is true, isn't it? Reindeer got their name because they were used to find water in times of drought. A reindeer would be taken out onto the parched Scandinavian deserts, and wherever it stuck its nose into the ground, water would

be found, and its keeper would shout, it's wherever it stuck its nose into the ground water would be found and its keeper would shout it's reindeer except as they didn't speak english the word they used was an old norse expression meaning reindeer being nomadic each year a reindeer travels about 500 miles or 800 kilometers depending on whether it left school before or after 1985. Rufus? I'm in. I think they do travel vast distances, don't they? They do travel vast distances, but not about 500 miles or 800 kilometres. About

4,800 kilometres or 3,000 miles. But would they, in order to travel that distance, would they not have to start by travelling 500 miles or 800? Well, yes. I refer you back to my earlier sentence of being nomadic. Each year a reindeer travels

about 500 miles. And then another 500 miles. I know for a fact reindeer operate on the proclaimer's principle of distance measurement. They would walk 500 miles and then they would walk 500 more. And then they would walk 500 more. And then they would walk 500 more, and then they would walk 500 more,

and then they would walk 500 more, and then they would walk 500 more, and then they would walk 500 more, and then they would walk 500 more, and then they would walk 500 more, and then they would walk 500 more, and then they would walk 300 more. Lee.

Thank you, David. I wish we'd got on this well on our other panel show. Yeah. I think Rufus is making me look quite posh. I like that. To put that in human terms, that's the average distance Ryanair passengers travel from the airport to the town they thought they were going to.

Jack. Look, come on, you've got to have some true things in this, otherwise the game doesn't work at all. That's the average distance Ryanair passengers travel from the airport to the town they thought... No, no, no. I'm just saying I'm picking you up on the fact you've said nothing true yet. That's exactly when you're not supposed to buzz.

Well, I'm saying we haven't yet got a game going because he's not saying anything true and he's nearly at the end of it. Do you celebrate in football every time someone doesn't score a goal? I think it's one of the best bits. I must say, in snooker, I like the safety play these days. I'm always disappointed to see a flashy pot.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were trying out some new catchphrases. Although they like a drink, reindeer are not fans of Asda's own brand lager, but they'll happily drink human urine, mainly due to its higher alcohol content. Rufus. Reindeer will drink human urine, but it's not because of its alcohol content. It'll be because

it's salty or full of urea or something. You're absolutely right. Yeah. It's not for the urea, it's the salt. Can Rufus now explain why he knows it's salty? No, Rufus cannot. Apparently, reindeer will seek out urine as a special treat, and some tribesmen carry seal-skin containers of their own urine,

which they use to attract stray reindeer back to the herd. The reindeer's love of alcohol is a likely cause of the famous red nose, while its consumption of hallucinogenic drugs is a likely reason for all those stories of flying reindeer. Graham? They do. They eat magic mushrooms or something, don't they, reindeer? They're famous for it. And then the reindeer owners drink the reindeer's urine

because it's still got the magic mushroom potency in it you're absolutely right yeah can i uh can i ask jack not to ask how i know that there are no reindeer in scotland because they were all shot by Queen Victoria for their skins, which she had made into winter underwear, and for their antlers, which she used as novelty backscratchers. At Queen Victoria's coronation, it was suggested she might wear a crown resembling a pair of antlers, but she objected, saying,

We are not a moose. Thanks for getting that clapping start started, Rufus. That was much appreciated. I was trying to get a slow clap started. Oh, I see. Reindeer have different hooves for different types of weather. In the summer, they have deep tread patterns, like 4x4 tyres, to give traction going across mud.

But in the winter, they sprout tennis rackets for walking on snow. Rain... Rufus. I'm going to hate myself, aren't I? I think their footprint changes depending on temperature. No. What is true is the bit you laughed at, which is that they have different hooves for different times of weather.

I think that sort of was your answer, wasn't it, Rufus? Well, yeah, it was sort of. I'll tell you what the true thing is, and then we can work out whether or not you thought it which is i think that's that's the fairest thing in the world yeah you're using exactly the same technique that david cameron uses on nick clegg reindeer hooves adapt according to the season during the, they become spongy to give the reindeer extra traction on the soft, wet tundra, and in winter, they shrink and harden,

exposing the rim of the hoof, which prevents the reindeer slipping on the frozen ground. You said that they shrink. It does actually say it exposes the rim of the hoof, which is definitely a phrase I didn't expect to be saying. I think you can have the point. And I think the main reason being is I've forgotten what you said. Nick.

In modern versions of the Santa's sleigh story, Donna and Blitzen have been replaced by a pair of reindeer called Antler and Deckler. When the Vikings arrived in Greenland, pulled by their reindeer, they invented winter sports, including the uphill bobsleigh, and after strapping reindeer bones to their feet, ice skating. Jack?

I wonder if there's a little bit of truth of using reindeer bones to get around on ice. You're absolutely right. Yes, that's true. Oh. They filed down the bones of reindeer or oxen to use as ice skates today it's increasingly hard to find reindeer in iceland they're actually hiding in the frozen party packs of economy sausages next to the prawn rings thank you lee so lee at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel,

which is that Hrein, spelt H-R-E-I-N-N, is an old Norse expression meaning reindeer. So with that boring and well-smuggled fact, I can announce that, Lee, you've scored one point. Come on. OK, we turn now to Graham Garden. Graham was recently awarded an OBE in recognition of his work for the British Empire.

Now greatly reduced in importance and regarded as irrelevant by many, Graham is still a regular on Radio 4. Your subject, Graham, is the pantomime, a traditional British Christmas entertainment for children, usually adapted from a fairy tale. Shakespeare loved pantomime, although he only wrote four. Dick Whittington of Athens, Buttons and Juliet,

Mother Goose About Nothing, and, of course, the Scottish panto. Mother Goose about nothing. And, of course, the Scottish panto. Today, the unlucky panto is said to be Snow White. Disaster struck the 1997 production in Southampton, when all the dwarfs went down with flu, apart from Sneezy. At the height of Victorian panto mania, a typical Drury Lane production would have a cast of 2,000,

including 50 horses, and the show would run for over 12 hours. Lee. I would say that sounds true. What? Someone just laughed for no reason, like I was a fool. 2,000 people and 50 horses.

Oh, sorry. That's not true, though, unfortunately. No, you wouldn't fit them all in the theatre. The most elaborate Victorian pantomimes were at the Drury Lane Theatre in London. The 40 Thieves, which opened on the 27th of December, 1886, began at 7.30pm and ended at 1am, as the audience here will be familiar with.

There were only 500 people on stage, though, not 2,000. But each of the 40 thieves had his own band of followers, and it took over 40 minutes for them all to march out from a cave at the back of the stage. Can I also say, I think there was already a truth smuggled in, but I was enjoying it so much I didn't want to interrupt. Right. Well, you mustn't feel like that in this game. The whole thing is rendered pointless. Yeah.

If you've spotted it much later, I can't give you the point for it. No, no, I realise that. But we can still discuss it as friends. I'm pretty sure all of the dwarfs in Snow White went down with Flew Apart from Sneezy. You're right. That is true. I'm all right with that. I'm just happy to be here.

Graham. What? Just happy to be here. Graham. What? Handbags nearly flew in the House of Commons when Chris Bryant MP called Chancellor George Osborne Baron Hardup. And Osborne replied by referring to Bryant

as a pantomime dame. Lee. That's true. Yes, it is true. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Nowadays, of course, all pantos have to be politically correct by law. In 2009, Haringey Council demanded that the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk

at the Bernie Grant Arts Centre should be renamed in the programme as Differently Short Person. At a 2007 production of Peter Pan, Cornish health and safety officers insisted that children should wear hard hats during the flying scenes. Jack? I think the one about Peter Pan and hard hats

is quite likely to be true. Yes, that is true. Yeah. In Norwich, a local television presenter emailed 30 primary schools asking if they would be interested in a free performance of Dick Whittington. They only received one reply because the school's filtering service had blocked the emails because of the panto's title.

I'm sorry to be pedantic, but I think that was probably true as well. Well, that's what they said had happened. Yeah, yeah. Oh, we were desperate. That sounded brilliant. Yeah, it must have been filtered out by the damn politically correct... Am I right or not? You are right, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Even Julius Caesar was a big fan of pantomime. Nothing could get him helpless with laughter like a cry of, He's behind you! Panto in the Middle Ages was condemned by the church. They deemed it unacceptable for men to dress as women as it might inflame unsavoury desires. The men tried to get round this by dressing as cows, but that only made it worse.

But does the old spirit of traditional panto live on today? Oh, no, it doesn't. Oh, no, it doesn't. Be that as it may, purists.....purists may take heart. Only a couple of years ago in Halifax, the punk band Chombawamba produced a pantomime entitled Riot, Rebellion and Bloody Insurrection. Rufus. That is true. Yes, it is true.

And when the show was revived some years later in Guildford, starring Timmy Mallet and Chantel of Big Brother, it was surprisingly bad. Thank you, Graham. And, Graham, at the end of that round, you've only managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which was actually the one that Rufus spotted but sportingly didn't interrupt, which was the thing about the 1997 production of Snow White

in Southampton when all the dwarfs went down with flu apart from Sneezy. So that means you've only scored one point. Many popular entertainers perform in panto, joining in with the traditional cries of, where are the best years of my career? Behind you! Now it's the turn of Jack D.

Before becoming a comedian, Jack used to work in a factory that made artificial legs, where, ironically, he and his customers both wanted to do the same thing. Stand up. Jack? Your subject, Jack, is Christmas decorations, objects commonly used at Christmas both inside and outside the home to adorn, enrich or beautify that to which they're attached.

Christmas decorations date back to around 400 BC, but didn't catch on at first. Boxing Day is so cool because traditionally it was the day that people put all their decorations back in the box, whilst muttering what a waste of time that was. Still, at least your parents have gone. On Boxing Day, until the mid-Victorian era, it was traditional in certain parts of Wales for men to beat the bare arms of women of lower ranks than them with holly until they bled.

beat the bare arms of women of lower ranks than them with holly until they bled. This quaint ritual was called achlich glithiz, which roughly translates as domestic abuse. Christmas crackers were originally called cossacks. They were invented in Russia as a special treat for the Tsar's children in 1805 and often contained a joke by Lee Mack. children in 1805 and often contained a joke by Lee Mack. Rufus. I think they were developed for the Tsar's children. No, they weren't. No.

Someone called Tom Smith started developing the cracker after a trip to Paris in 1840. The Christmas decorations in Regent Street are lent to the City of London by Dale Winton. The rest of the year he uses them to make his bedroom look nice. Having your outdoor Christmas lights on a varying flash sequence is banned in Folkestone, as it is considered vulgar and lowers the tone of the town. Hard, though, that may be to imagine. Rufus? I think it is banned in certain parts of Folkestone,

but not because it's bad luck for the town. Is it because it's right on the shore and it looks like a lighthouse or ships are drawn to it? Ships are drawn to it? Like moths. Get a collection of enthusiastic tankers just banging against the quay.

No. No, it's not banned. It's deemed fine. In the 19th century, Christmas tree candles contained lethal amounts of arsenic and caused countless cases of accidental poisoning. Lee. Yeah, I'll go with that. You're absolutely right. Yeah. One Christmas Eve, the magician Paul Daniels told his wife Debbie

that he had made all the presents he had brought her disappear. He then explained that to make them reappear, he'd have to dash out quickly to Argos. A popular Christmas decoration in Ukraine is an artificial spider, whereas the fun-loving folk of neighbouring Belarus mark the festive season by hanging an empty saucepan above their front doors. Rufus.

Is the thing about Belarus true? No. The spider bit, is that true? Yes, the spider bit is true. Yeah. Ukrainian tradition has it that a spider heard of a poor family who had nothing with which to decorate their jelinka, or Christmas tree, and so spun a beautiful sparkling web all over the tree during the night.

In Sweden, a common Christmas decoration is a straw goat. Each year I receive a Christmas tree from Norway as a gift to thank me for all the amazing things I've done, but it's so large I have to put it in Trafalgar Square thank you Jack and Jack you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel which which are that on Boxing Day until the mid-Victorian era it was traditional in certain parts of Wales for men to beat the arms and legs of servants and the lazy with holly until they bled. Christmas crackers were originally called Cossacks. It's thought that the name was an allusion to the sudden gunfire or the crack of a whip

belonging to the wild and undisciplined Cossack forces who occupied Paris following the first fall of Napoleon in 1814. It's a very specific reason. And the third truth is that in Sweden, a common Christmas decoration is a straw goat called a julnok. Alongside small domestic versions, the Swedish also decorate public spaces with ones up to 40 feet tall, although these are often set on fire by arsonists. There's nothing more festive either than the sight of a giant burning goat. That means, Jack, that you've scored three points. Vincent van Gogh painted his starry night scenes

by fixing candles to his straw hat. Hence his most famous work, Man with Hat on Fire. Next up is Rufus Hound. Rufus has a number of tattoos on his body, including one of monkeys fighting robots on his arm. He claims it's an allegory, which it is, warning of the

dangers of visiting a tattoo parlour while drunk. Rufus, your Boxing Day subject is The Box, a container typically square or rectangular with a removable lid or cover. Off you go, Rufus. Well, actually, as you know, it's a Christmas special.

I thought I would do something special and wrap my lecture. And with it being about boxes, I've invited a beatboxer to join me. Please can everybody welcome Grace Savage to the stage. For those listening at home, yes, this is really happening. I realise at this point trying to do hip-hop on Radio 4 is immediately alarming. If you're listening to this, try to chill out a little bit. I went to private school and Grace lived in Guildford for a year. Ready? Okay.

One, two, three, four. Pin them back and listen up. Try not to be whack, Jack, I'm coming up. With truth's all about that which things come in. Brown paper packages tied up with string. I'm talking about boxes, conceptually tough. 3D rectangles that you fill with stuff. But the stuff that's in boxes will normally change

depending on context, otherwise it's strange Schrodinger, philosophic science whiz Popped a kitty in his, a pretty kitty and says If you open the box, there's electric shocks Don't touch the locks, the cat is now a paradox Both dead and alive is the feline situation But its layers will be changed by the act of observation The main thing that we learned from that

Schrodinger did not like cats. Graham. Can I just hear that again? I think Schrodinger didn't like cats. He hated cats. It's certainly difficult to infer that you'd be particularly pro-feline if all you did was think about them in a box

all trapped and maybe dead and alive at the same time. It's very hard having this conversation after the rap, isn't it? It's certainly not one of the truths that Rufus was sent to smuggle, but I think you can have a point for saying that I reckon Schrodinger wasn't that keen on cats. But do write in if you know differently. So, Rufus, carry on with that...

Carry on. Have you emceed a lot of rap gigs? Yeah. Over a century ago, if you had cornflakes, it may have been your wife who put a smile on the face of the local grocer. Why do you suppose a respectable woman would act like a hoser? Well, a promotion from Kellogg's told ladies of the day that free cornflakes would be heading their way

if they winked at the bloke behind the counter. No, she wanted cornflakes and not tried to mount her. And if she wanted free Weetabix, she just undid her cardi and showed him his t... I feel sorry for you if you were Victorian, and while everyone else was asleep and snoring, you fancied a fiddle with your downstairs self, which now we all agree is quite good for your health. So men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. Parents popped little boxes on their Martian's penis. And if any members in the night

stirred, an alarm went off and a buzzer was heard. Lee. Did parents used to pop boxes on their little Martians' penises? Yes, they did. Yes, that is true. But the... But, yes, the Victorians invented the self-abuse alarm.

A small box wired to a buzzer was attached to a young man's penis to allow worried parents to hear a buzzer in the event of nocturnal activity. So, yeah. It was a bane of my childhood. Jack, stop that. Rufus, do continue. OK. With table tennis bats, the next verse starts,

and if you ever wondered where they got the parts to build them, bruv, I ain't joking, it was the lids of the boxes of cigars that they were smoking. If you waited, Beth, break it... Graham. I'm terribly sorry, Rufus. No, really, don't apologise, Graham. This is a rod from my own back. I think table tennis was started with... They actually played with cigar boxes.

You're absolutely right. Originally, table tennis, which at the time, as we know, thanks to Boris Johnson, was called whiff-waff, was played using cigar box lids as bats and champagne corks as balls and books as a net. Lovely woman, a net. Jack.

If you've waited Beth Brayton at the weight that I'm punching with a spare tin lunchbox that's got no lunch in, you'll get a king's ransom from Marilyn Manson. The geezer collects them, he thinks that they're handsome, which isn't a behaviour you'd expect from the brother. Goes to show you can't touch a goth by its cover. Oh! But now we're easing people pleasingly through seasonal business,

like Slate told you. It's Christmas! Eat, drink, be merry, just love, no scorning. Enjoy your prezzies, but hear my warning. Every year, accidents accrue. 10,500 in 2002 from cardboard boxes. Lee? I think 10,500 accidents did ensue in 2002.

If that indeed was what he said that was true. See, it's addictive, isn't it? It's much easier than I make it look, isn't it? Yes, you're absolutely right. He was, yeah. He was saying 10,500 accidents in 2002 with cardboard boxes. OK. Cardboard boxes, these accidents were the instigation, so spread the

message across the nation. On Christmas tidy all your boxes away, and keep yourself nice till... Boxing Day! So, yes, Rufus, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths... Hooray! ..past the panel. And those two truths are that, in 1907,

one of the ad campaigns for Kellogg's Corn Flakes offered a free box of cereal to every woman who would wink at her grocer. No. Really? Different times, weren't they? And the other truth is that Marilyn Manson collects old tin lunchboxes. And that means, Rufus, you've scored two points.

Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with no points, we have Lee Mack. Yes. In third place, with one point, it's Rufus Hound. And in joint first place, with an unassailable four points each, it's this week's winners, Graham Garden and Jack Dee. points each. It's this week's winners Graham Garden and Jack D. That's about it for our

Christmas special. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair

with panellists Graham Garden, Lee Mack, Rufus Hound and Jack Dee. The chairman's script was written by Colin Swash and Dan Gaster and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.