The Unbelievable Truth - 08x04 Boy Scouts, Nuts, Florence Nightingale, Circuses

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

08x04 16 January 2012 Jack Dee, Lee Mack, Graeme Garden, Rufus Hound Boy Scouts, Nuts, Florence Nightingale, Circuses

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. Our four guests tonight offer a wide range of delights, like a four seasons pizza, a little bit of everything, but still you wonder what you might have had. Never mind, order a banoffee pie and please welcome Jack D, Lee Mack, Graham Garden and rufus hound the rules are as follows each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false save for five pieces of true information which they should attempt to smuggle past their

opponents cunningly concealed amongst the lies points are scored by truths that go unnoticed while other panelists can win points if they spot a, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. We'll begin with Jack D. As a young man, Jack nearly became a priest. What a career, spouting made-up nonsense in a half-empty building. Yes, Jack often regretted becoming a comedian. Jack, your subject is Boy Scouts, described by my encyclopedia as a worldwide youth movement started in England in 1908 whose sister movement is the Girl Scouts or Guides. Off you go, Jack. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you.

Much has been said about Boy Scouts. Very little of it broadcastable. The original Boy Scout Association was founded in the 18th century by a Mohawk chief of the Onondaga people, who was worried that youngsters were not learning the traditional tribal skills of tracking, survival and washing cars. That chief's name, of course, was Hiawatha, later known as Carwatha. The leading country for scouts is Indonesia, which has more than 17 million young members who meet every day to sit in circles, sing songs and make trainers.

Graham. I think Indonesia probably does have the most scouts. Yes, you're absolutely right, they do. APPLAUSE does have the most scouts. Yes, you're absolutely right. They do. As of the 1st of December 2010, Indonesia has 17,103,793 members of the Boy Scouts, which also includes some of the World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts, or WAGs. While in the military, Lord Baden-Powell frequently travelled disguised as a butterfly collector,

incorporating plans of potential targets into his drawings of butterfly wings. The targets would later be bombed and destroyed by the RAF. Whilst this was a successful strategy, it had unexpectedly disastrous consequences for the owners of the Red Admiral pub in Lewisham. Tony Blair was a senior scout in Willowbray, near Edinburgh. There he is

best remembered by his contemporaries for starting an unnecessary and illegal fight with another scout group from nearby Northfield. Lee. Tony Blair was in those scouts, yes. No. No.

He wasn't? No, he wasn't. Why? I don't know. He's not a team player. Young Tony had convinced his friends that the Northfield group had cheated in a sea angling competition by using an electrical device that was capable of destroying the fish that they were trying to catch.

An investigation concluded that the neighbouring group, in fact, didn't have any weapons of bass destruction. There's your licence fee right there. Can we edit out the groans? Margaret Thatcher was a girl guide, as were Angela Merkel and John Prescott. I'm pretty sure Thatcher was a girl guide. No, she wasn't.

No? No. Other former girl guides include Mariah Carey, Kat Deely and Carol Vorderman. I could continue, but the sweat now pouring off Lee Mack is frankly embarrassing. Mariah Carey. Yes, Mariah Carey.

As were Kat Deely and Carol Vorderman. Yes. Someone not so keen on the Scout movement was the Nazi killjoy Adolf Hitler. In fact, he banned the movement. A former head scout in this country is the much-loved personality Giles Brandreth, whose repertoire of stories about well-known people

is as popular with the young campers as they are with the wider British public. A competition was launched for the boys to design a badge for those who have attended one of Giles's talks. The winning entry was a badge depicting Giles Brandreth in front of a firing squad. The scout's motto, be prepared, is not only a forceful exhortation but also a tribute toPowell's initials, a coincidence he enjoyed calling attention to since practically no one else noticed.

Rufus. Is that thing about Baden-Powell true? Yes, that thing is true. Thank you, Jack. And at the end of that round, Jack, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Baden-Powell acted as a spy during the Boer War

and disguised plans of Boer fortifications and gun emplacements in sketches of butterfly wings, leaves, and even an intricate stained glass window. And the second truth is that, like most fascist countries and almost every communist country, Hitler banned the scouts. Instead, the Nazis set up the Hitler Youth, an organisation Baden-Powell was initially keen to set up ties with. In a diary entry from 1939, Baden-Powell notes, lay up all day, read Mein Kampf,

a wonderful book with good ideas on education, health, propaganda, organisation, etc. Anyway, that means, Jack, you've scored two points. The most children ever to get into one single bed is 76 scouts from Chorley Wood in 1975, narrowly beating the record of a Mr G Glitter of Cambodia. Dolly Parton, the country singer, became a Girl Scout in 2007 at the age of 60,

although she was never awarded her campfire badge, as her hair isn't allowed within ten feet of a naked flame. Paul McCartney used to be in the Scouts, though he always annoyed his scout leader when they sang round the campfire, as he always wanted to do new stuff rather than the old ones everyone liked. Next is Lee Mack. In an earlier career as a stable lad, Lee actually rode the steeplechaser Red Rum,

possibly the most famous racehorse ever, and certainly the most famous celebrity Lee has mounted, whatever he says about Lady Gaga. Your subject, Lee, is nuts, dry fruit consisting of an edible kernel enclosed in a woody or leathery shell. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Lee.

When the first settlers landed in Brazil, they found their hair fell out if they ate too many Brazil nuts. This was the origin of the expression a full Brazilian. They also fed Brazil nuts to their children to make them easier to find at night because Brazil nuts are radioactive.

They make children glow in the dark. Graham. I know this because I've passed a Geiger counter over a Brazil nut. It is radioactive. When did you ever pass a Geiger counter over a Brazil... You said that like I once took a dog for a walk. Yeah.

It's hard enough passing kidney stones. How do you pass a Geiger counter? I used to do a show called Body Matters, and one of the things we did was to explain the difference between things that were radioactive and things that had been radiated, like food, which is passed through a radioactive field but is not radioactive itself,

unlike Brazil nuts and Earl Grey tea, which are both radioactive. You can't buy Brazil nuts now, can you, anymore? Not in the shell form. If you know the right person. Yeah. They're all being stockpiled in Iran, aren't they? Is that why the reports from Iran come back there's been heavy shelling?

Yes, anyway, you're absolutely right right graham all foods contain small amounts of natural radioactivity however the brazil nut contains more radium 226 than any other food up to 7 000 times more so do you not think it would have been safer to do this one on the christmas special and send out the message rather than let people know in January? For many years, squirrelogists have been intrigued by the sight of grey squirrels digging in the ground without actually burying their nuts. The experts concluded the squirrels were simply pretending to bury them in order to fool potential nut thieves.

Only later did they realise that the grey squirrels were actually laying minefields to stop red squirrels coming back. Rufus. I'm going to buy grey squirrel subterfuge hole digging scenario. You're right to buy that scenario. That's, um... As to protect their winter food

stocks, the grey squirrels put on an elaborate show of bearing non-existent nuts and seeds, even covering them over with soil to dupe any thieving onlookers. The use of the term nut to indicate something attached to a screw or bolt originated in ancient Greece when nut shells were used as fasteners for the wooden screws or bolts of the time. In the Odyssey, the poet Homer clearly indicates that the builders of the Trojan horse employed this carpentry technique when he includes the line, I'm just screwing the nuts off this horse. A phrase not heard again till the time of Catherine the Great.

According to EU food classification, the walnut is in fact a Brussels sprout. And pineapples, which used to be classed as a nut, are in fact apples. Also, peanuts aren't nuts at all and a certain type of spanish pork chop is a sugared almond graham i don't think peanuts are nuts you're right they're not it's yeah this as regular listeners to the show may know this sort of thing gets me down a bit the fact that peanuts aren't a nut um and let me

for example brazil nuts brazil nuts also we're told aren't a nut almonds aren't a nut pistachio nuts aren't a nut pineapples cashew nuts aren't a nut coconuts aren't a nut pine nuts aren't a nut. Pine nuts aren't a nut. Conkers aren't a nut. Only chestnuts and hazelnuts seem to be nuts. So, sorry, what the hell have people been allergic to all these years? Plus they may... I'd ought to say, warning, may not contain nuts. Are they seeds oh they're probably seeds or fruit or meat i don't know what they are peanuts are legumes members of the same family as peas

and beans because a family doesn't mean some people who are related to each other it's some peas and some beans and some nuts together that's's what family means. We've all been wrong about what a family is. Family is, in fact, a fruit. You'll like this one. I think I'm right in saying a banana is technically a herb. Superb. Cabris fruit and nut has not been sold in communist China since a disastrous product launch in the 1970s. Marketing executives fail to appreciate that the slogan

everyone's a fruit and nut case when translated into Mandarin Chinese reads you, your family and co-workers are both overly camp and mentally unwell. Rufus. Look, I know that that was made up but enough of me wants to think that that was true that i'm prepared to have the point deducted as long as you're resigned to your fate then then we can all move on as adults um no unfortunately that isn't true although

the slogan come alive with pepsi translated into chinese as pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead the advertising industry has long used ground almonds to represent dandruff just as desiccated coconuts are used by hollywood special effects departments to resemble snow and chopped macadamia nuts are used by the police to simulate crack cocaine america has countless eminently sensible nut related laws in texan towns with a population of less than 500 it's illegal to use pistachios for target practice on sundays and in parts of new york state it's against the law to walk backwards while eating peanuts during a concert i grant don't think you're allowed to walk backwards eating peanuts peanuts during a concert. I agree. Don't think you're allowed to walk backwards

eating peanuts in New York State. You're absolutely right. Well done. In 2002, the governor of the Texas State Penitentiary was suspended for erecting a banner over the front gate saying, may contain nuts. Jack. I expect that's true.

Someone thought they'd do that. Put a banner up. No. Wasn't George Bush the governor of Texas? Not Texas State Penitentiary. Unless that's the full name for Texas. It's actually... And that's the end of your lecture thank you lee

and at the end of that round lee you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel which is that when chopped up fine macadamia nuts resemble crack cocaine in color and have been used in drug stings in the USA. That means you've scored one point. In Iran, pistachios are known as the smiling nut, as is their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Next up is Graham Garden, a top-class comedian, an experienced actor and a respected writer. We're just three of the people we approached to be our last panellists,

but instead we've got one of the directors of the company that makes the show. Graham originally trained to be a doctor before deciding to become a comedian. I'm not saying that was a long time ago, but vitamins only went up to C. Graham, your subject is Florence Nightingale, the pioneering English nurse celebrated for her work with British soldiers during the Crimean War. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Graham. Florence Nightingale had one leg shorter than the other,

but as if that wasn't enough, she also had one leg longer than the other. Jack? I actually think that was true. I think she did have one leg shorter than the other and another leg longer than one of us, too short. No, she did have one leg shorter than the other and another leg longer than one that was too short. No, she had one that was shorter than the other. That's true.

In fact, neither of them are true. Okay. Unless it was the other leg that was longer than the other and the other one was shorter than the other and he switched it around to try and trick us. Her left leg was the same length. That's the right one. Hang on, let me get this right.

Her right leg wasn't longer than the left one, but... Yeah, that's fine, but what about the other one? I don't know. It was never measured, so we haven't ruled out the possibility of her having one leg shorter than the other. Well, I'm not going to give you the point for now, but I will say, we'll get her exhumed,

we'll sort this. Is the punchline to this the Lady of the Limp? Oh, is it? Oh, it is. I'm so sorry. Sorry, Graham. I'm sorry. As a result, you'll like this.

I think it opens for Graham. She was fondly known as the lady with the limp. Lee. I think that's true, because she did have one leg that was shorter than the other. Florence didn't go to the Crimea as a nurse. She originally went as a caterer. She was famous for her portion control.

When the light brigade rode off for a skirmish, she'd draw up a complicated diagram based on the strength of the enemy, the brigade's past performance, and their chances of coming back. And then she calculated how many pies would be needed to feed the survivors. In this way, she...

Lee. I think she possibly did go as a caterer, didn't she? No. Oh. No. No, no, she's a very famous nurse, Lee. And also, I'm an idiot, because she wouldn't have been able to carry the tray of pies, would she?

Because she'd have been leading to the left slightly and dropped it. Yeah. Nevertheless, she did calculate how many pies would be needed to feed the survivors. And in this way, she developed the pie chart. And after enjoying their pies, the troops would be treated to a cup of Fortnum and Mason tea, specially sent out by Queen Victoria, and a Garibaldi biscuit, specially sent out by Garibaldi. Florence was an accomplished needlewoman.

And she, it was was who first knitted the warm, woolly front button jumper for Lord Cardigan. She also ran up signature garments for Lord Raglan, Sir Arthur Balaclava and a little outfit for Lord Three-Piece-Suit. Jack. I'm thinking that the first bit of that might have been true.

No, she wasn't. No, Jack, you idiot. She was a nurse. thinking that the first bit of that might have been true. No, she wasn't. No, Jack, you idiot. She was a nurse. So looking for a way to fill up her spare time, she turned to nursing the troops. At night, she would patrol the wards,

playing her piano accordion, accompanied by the hoots of her pet owls stuffed in her pocket. Rufus. She did have a pet owl stuffed in her pocket. What? She did. Yes, she had a pet owl She rescued her pet owl Athena from stone-throwing youths in Athens in 1850

and would tour wards with it in her pocket although it died before she sailed to the Crimea She then had it stuffed and it's been bought by the Florence Nightingale Museum Fitting Yes Would have been weird if's been bought by the Florence Nightingale Museum. Fitting. Yes. Would have been weird if it was bought by like the Michael Jackson Museum. As the outline of the owl

was clearly visible, the wounded soldiers referred to her as the lady with the lump. Where were you, Lee? However, the novelty soon wore off and after a couple of years or so she gave up nursing on her return to england she looked around for more socially beneficial work to occupy her she racked her brains for an idea and at last she hit on a cracker but he was having nothing to do

with her so she married arthur graham a lay preacher florence Nightingale Graham, as she now properly called, launched a range of cosmetics, but when people saw her name on the products, they assumed them to be medical preparations. So she got round this by changing the name to Elizabeth Arden. She campaigned tirelessly for the homeless, and a print

of her comforting a vagrant was very popular, known as... Let the audience do it. The lady with the tramp. Thank you, Graham. And, Graham, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that Florence Nightingale invented the pie chart she called it the rose diagram which is a perfectly good name for it and obviously men nicked the rose diagram off france nightingale and said no we're going to call it a pie chart pies are better than roses um and she used her rose diagram to explain the patterns of deaths from disease and combat in the Crimean War. The second truth is that Queen Victoria engaged Fortnum and Mason to supply beef tea to Florence Nightingale so she could nourish her patients during the Crimean War.

The third truth is that Florence Nightingale served only two years as an active nurse, from 1851 to 1853, whilst training in Germany. Thereafter, she was a nursing manager when she went to the Crimea. And the last truth is that make-up entrepreneur Elizabeth Arden's real name was Florence Nightingale Graham. And she originally trained as a nurse before realising that she not only wanted to make people well, but she wanted to make them beautiful. Which I think counts as a misuse of the word only.

And that means, Graham, you've scored four points. Florence Nightingale owned a pet owl called Athena, which she'd rescued from stone-throwing youth in Athens in 1850, back in the days when young people in Greece could afford stones. Now it's the turn of Rufus Hound. Rufus is one of the regulars on the panel show Celebrity Juice, one of ITV2's most popular programmes that isn't about Katie Price or people from Essex.

Your subject, Rufus, is The Circus, a public performance typically presented in one or more large tents and featuring clowns, acrobats and trained animals. Off you go, Rufus. Circuses were invented in 1953 when two brothers from Rotherham, John and Abner Kilt, decided to run an illegal clown-watching operation Off you go, Rufus. Whig government of the day designed to shield the soon-to-be queen from inadvertent amusement. However, the ban only pushed clowning underground. In his treatise on the subject, Naughty Chuckles, Clowns Beyond the Law,

Professor Ronald MacDonald writes extensively of the criminality and excesses of these Victorian grease-faced mirth-blonkers. Of the three and a half tons of opium imported by Junkie the Jester, of Bozo the Clown and his frankly unnecessary size 83 AAA shoes, and of the prostitutes that exclusively served the clowns, waiting on street corners, looking for cars that the wheels and doors

were falling off of. However, there are only so many times that you can see someone with a painted-on smile about to throw a bucket of water over you before the confetti that follows is less of a comical surprise and more of an acrid reminder of life's pointlessness. Lee. That's true.

There is so many times. Is that true? No. I mean, I tell you the point you're making. But I'll be honest, I never thought that. That there are times when, I mean, you know more than anyone, that a time comes when a joke pulls. Hmm.

Absolutely. I don't know. I don't think he does. I don't. When is that, David? As the laughter dwindled, so too did ticket sales, and the days of the peripatetic prohibition pranks to pergola were kaput. What the Kilt Brothers realised in 1953

was that people needed more than just clowns. They wanted to see people being fired out of cannons, and if they died, all the better. It's a well-known fact that people love it when human cannonballs die. If you're in one of the 30 audiences in the UK fortunate enough to have watched someone being fired out of a cannon die, you'll know why the Great British Circus remains so resolutely popular. Graham, there was a number there, 30. Is that the number of people who have died as a result of human cannonball accidents? You're absolutely right. 30 audiences...

30 audiences in the UK have watched someone fired out of a cannon die. Oh, the thrill of seeing an elegant Russian Adonis plummet from the high wire. The Lithuanian ballerina bucked from a stallion's back. The knife thrower practising that now known as the impalement arts. But what of the clowns? Well, following a change in the law in 1979, clowns now are not only legal, but running the country.

Many have dropped the old-style clown names, but Eric Pickles the Clown, with his bright red nose and oversized trousers, offers an affectionate homage to the criminal jayfury of yesteryear. Clowning for Animals has taken off in Germany, with Teutonic Zoo chimps having their own personal clown. Lee. I think there is a clown performing for chimps in Germany.

You're right. And do you know how I know that? It's me. Yes, a zoo in Krefeldt near Cologne hired entertainer Christiana Peters, now known as Lee Mack, to cheer up its gorillas, orangutans and chimpanzees after research found that apes tend to become sick or aggressive when bored. Peters says that the animals go wild when they see me coming

because they know they're going to have fun. That quote's on your DVD. Others have moved into food and drink preparation with one clown inventing pink lemonade as an act of appeasement for the great clown versus homosexual wars of the early 1900s. These days, whether you're in Oxford, Piccadilly or the media, the circus is a one-way ticket to a smiley face

or, if you're a clown, a two-way ticket to your own home. Thank you, Rufus. And, um, Rufus, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that, um, Bozo the Clown had size 83 AAA shoes and was apparently the role model for Ronald McDonald. The second truth is that the act of knife throwing is known as the impalement arts,

despite the whole aim being to avoid impalement. And the third truth is that a clown invented pink lemonade. After joining the circus as a clown, Pete Conkling invented pink lemonade. He ran a lemonade stall and one day in 1857, he ran out of water. In desperation, he used the pink water from a tub in which one of the bareback riders had washed her red tights. Conkling sold the resulting concoction as strawberry lemonade,

promptly doubling his sales. With that disgusting fact, I can tell you you've scored three points. With that disgusting fact, I can tell you you've scored three points. Professional clowns register their faces with a special face registry so that each clown can have their own unique, unfunny way of scaring children. Which brings us to the final scores. In joint last place, with minus three points each, we have Jack D and Lee Mack. place, with minus three points each, we have Jack D

and Lee Mack. In second place, with three points, it's Rufus Hound. And in first place, with a slightly mental nine points, it's this week's winner, co-owner of the company,

Graham Garden. That's about it for this week. All that remains is for me to thank our guests. They were all truly unbelievable, and that's the unbelievable truth. Goodbye. The unbelievable truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Graham Garden, Lee Mack, Rufus Hound and Jack Dee.

The chairman's script was written by Colin Swash and Dan Gaster and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.