The Unbelievable Truth - 12x02 Eton, Babies, Russia, Hats

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

12x02 6 January 2014 Marcus Brigstocke, Holly Walsh, John Finnemore, Rufus Hound Eton, Babies, Russia, Hats

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Tonight I'm joined by four of the funniest comedians ever to appear on this show tonight. Please welcome Rufus Hound, Holly Walsh, John Finnemore and Marcus Brigstocke. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five pieces of true information, which they should attempt to smuggle past their opponents, cunningly concealed amongst the lies. Points are scored by truth that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Marcus Brigstock. Marcus, your subject is Eton, or Eton College, a prestigious fee-paying boarding school for boys founded in 1440 and located on the River Thames near Windsor. Off you go, Marcus. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. In 2012, Off you go, Marcus. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. In 2012, Eton was listed as one of the most deprived schools in the UK when word reached Michael Gove that one of the fourth form had run out of pate. In the Cameroonian Eton tribe, the word for thank you is a bum gang. Rufus.

I think that's true. It is true. It's so... I knew it was quite an obvious one in its way, but it's such a pleasing truth. I don't mind that it's been exposed. The Eton tribe inhabit the Lakai Central Division of Cameroon and an estimated 52,000 people speak the Eton or Esele language in which thank you is a

bum gang. And all really decent blokes as well. In the sick form at Eton you automatically qualify for a bank account at Gringotts. Eton prefects are entitled to wear checked sponge bag trousers and a waistcoat designed as they wish for the rest of... John. Well, that sounds exactly the sort of thing that a Neaton prefect would wear. It is exactly the sort of thing. Yeah, well done.

A bum gang very much. Yeah. What's the difference between a waistcoat and a waistcoat? Well, a waistcoat is like a sleeveless jacket, but a waistcoat is what gits wear. Yes, well, the prefects, formerly called the Eton Society, but more commonly known as POP... I don't think anything Eton has ever been commonly known.

Yeah, more commonly known, but still extremely uncommonly known. Is that like Rice Krispies, like Snap and Crackle are working class kids? Crackle is middle class. Snap looks up to Crackle. I know my place. I get a crackle in the back of my neck. The fees at Eton per child are roughly the same as it costs to fly to Dublin on Ryanair with two suitcases. Despite the high fees...

It's tempting, isn't it? Despite the high fees, it is cheaper to send people to Eton than it is to send them to prison. Eton... Holly. I reckon that's true. That is true. Well, it is absolutely true, and it's not just true in total,

it's true per year. Eton's annual school fees are £32,067, which is £304 less than the cost of an average prisoner place in Scotland, and £5,581 less than the average prisoner place in England and Wales. Northern Irish prisons are even more expensive, and in 2012 it would have cost you over twice as much to keep someone in prison in Northern Ireland as it would to send them to Eton.

The rules at Eton include compulsory bellowing lessons for new boys, or pockets, as they're called. Rufus. I wonder if new boys are called pockets. You can't call them pockets The prefect walking through Windsor Hands in pockets I just love that

Take your hands out of your pocket boys No they're not The new boys are not called pockets The new boys are called much more sensibly F-tits F-tits In F-tits. In no way can I imagine that making life difficult for them. Eating or socking in the street is a hanging offence,

and wearing a hat on a Wednesday on school premises will get you tied to the clock tower with your own gown and you'll be known as a wetty bobby woo-woo. Parents of eaten boys are allowed to visit their children twice between the ages of 13 and 18 for five minutes six minutes if they've lost a relative or moved house and need to leave a new address eton mess is what the nhs will be called in two years time time. Only once has a girl been educated at Eton. Her name was Jenny Huntley. She went to Eton by mistake in the early 80s before changing both her name and eventually her sex to become Jeremy Hunt,

the health secretary. The canteen at Eton has two Michelin stars and a waiting list of over three months. The names of the playing fields at Eton include Elton John, Fentiman's Plough, Pilkington's Wedgie, Dutchman's and a grassy bit for Runny Catchy. John. Well, I like a list. Whenever there's a list of more than three, I think that one of those has got to be true.

I'm going to go for Dutchmans. You're right to go for Dutchmans. That is true. Eton also has playing fields with names such as Agars, Upper Club, Sixpenny and Mesopotamia, which I'm assuming is not actually Mesopotamia, even though that was a British League of Nations mandate, but I don't think it was also a playing field at Eton. Thank you, Marcus.

And at the end of that round, Marcus, you've managed to smuggle just one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the Eton word for eating, the Eton word for eating is the Eton word for eating, is socking. And it's a hanging offence. In Eton slang, a hanging offence is not a hanging offence, but an offence.

And the Eton tuck shop is known as sock shop. So that means, Marcus, that you've scored one point. Hooray! In 1440, Henry VI founded Eton to provide instruction in grammar to any child unless they were illegitimate. Though, given the number of Old Etonians now in the government, they seem to have relaxed the no-bastards rule. OK, we turn now to Holly Walsh.

Your subject, Holly, is babies. Newborn or recently born children up to the age of 12 months. Off you go, Holly. Babies are pure evil. Babies are deliberately born without teeth because if they had them, they would bite you. Oh! Rufus.

I think that's true. I don't know. Is there not an evolutionary imperative of if we had teeth, that would be painful so the teeth come later in order that we are bigger and older? I understand the whole childbirth process. They haven't put a lot of thought into not making it painful for the mother. That doesn't seem to have been a high priority.

I don't think we can just... No, all right, fair enough. Correlation is not causation. No, no, I'm with you on that. I can't pretend to be a little disappointed. A baby can cry so loudly that it can permanently damage your hearing, which is why in North America... Marcus.

That is true. It is true. Yes. Yes, yeah. According to the Sight and Hearing Association of Minnesota, babies can cry at a level of 115 decibels. That's just five decibels quieter than an ambulance siren. They say it would take just 15 minutes of a baby screaming at 115 decibels

to cause permanent damage to hearing. Holly. The concept of the baby chino, the froth off the top of a cappuccino, is a complete myth. However, in Ireland, babies often order baby guinos, the head off the top of a pint of Guinness. Whereas in Costa Rica, babies are encouraged to drink coffee straight black with a cigarette.

John. I'm wondering, although not a cigarette, whether babies in the country you mentioned are encouraged or allowed to have coffee. Yes, you're absolutely right. In Costa Rica, it's not uncommon to see babies drinking coffee in their bottles, although not black, but with added milk

and not with a cigarette. No, cigars over there. Following the Beckhams example, parents are now legally obliged to name their children and not with a cigarette. No, cigars over there. Yeah, of course. Following the Beckhams example, parents are now legally obliged to name their children after the places they were conceived or born. A London mum recently named her baby John Lewis after going into labour in Brentcross Shopping Centre. Who knows how the baby will feel about that name when she grows up?

Other examples include the actor Orlando Bloom, who was conceived in Florida's largest garden centre, and the celebrity Paris Hilton, who was born in the Manchester Hilton. Rufus. I think Paris Hilton is called Paris Hilton because there's some connection with Paris. Possibly, but that's absolutely not what Holly said. She said it was a connection with the Manchester Hilton.

Yeah, but it was a swerve ball. She mentioned it in the same breath. Look, I accept it's wrong, all right? Leave me alone! Have you listened to a word I've said this entire time? Or have you just heard a noise, like... It's like music, your voice, to me, Holly. Holly.

Sorry, while you're thinking thinking just to be irritating I would like to point out I did hear what you said I just thought you'd phrased it in a tricksy manner to say like these people Orlando Bloom garden centre and you're like oh obviously it's not a garden centre and Paris Hilton and then you put a joke on the end of that and then that diverts

attention from because obviously she wasn't named after the Manchester Hilton I would hate to put a joke on the end of that and then that diverts attention from... Because obviously she wasn't named after the Manchester Hilton. I would hate to be married to you. That's for sure. This is like everyone's turned the lights out and they've all said goodnight and you go to sleep and then you're like, sorry, can I just say one more thing about the argument?

Just to make my point heard. Do you know what's funny about that? Nothing. Just to make my point heard. Do you know what's funny about that? Nothing. Despite the fact that they refuse to speak, there are certain tricks to tell where a baby comes from. French babies cry in a French accent like this.

Le wah. And traditionally play with mobiles made of hanging onions. German babies wear leather nappies and can only be soothed by the music of David Hasselhoff, and British babies make mildly xenophobic jokes. John. Do French babies cry in a French accent? By which I mean, could an expert tell this baby is French just by listening to its cry?

Yes. In 2009, researchers from the University of Würzburg, Germany, discovered that babies begin to pick up the nuances of their parents' accents while still in the womb. Scientists believe this is likely to be the result of babies trying to form a bond with their mothers by imitating them. Is that also true within the UK? Geordie babies go...

WA-YA! Thank you, Holly. And, Holly, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that a London mum recently named her baby John Lewis after going into labour in Brent Cross Shopping Centre. She named the child John Lewis in tribute to helpful staff who came to her aid. The lovely thing about giving birth in John Lewis is up to eight weeks later,

if you don't like the baby. And that means, Holly, you've scored one point. Men are faster at changing a baby than women. Research shows that the average time taken by a woman to change a baby is two minutes and five seconds, but a man takes only one minute and 36 seconds. The secret? Not giving as much of a toss.

Next up is John Finnemore. Your subject, John, is Russia, officially the Russian Federation, a large former empire and erstwhile communist state in Eastern Europe and North Asia. Off you go, John. Welcome to Russia, the tropical island paradise of your dreams,

home to the merry wallaby and the majestic tiger. I am delightful to be your guide, Ivan Ivanovich, Ivan Ivanovich, Ivana Ivanovich. But please, do not be afraid of yourself. I will not be doing the whole lecture in this ridiculous accent. Marcus. Oh, yes, I will. Right, I now think that isn't true,

but I wanted to buzz in so that John would score the point by forcing himself to keep that up for a really long time. There's never been so much riding on a performance. Russian history. Russia was invented in 1310 by Peter the Great as a way of stopping China bumping into Poland. the Great as a way of stopping China bumping into Poland. Peter and Catherine earned the suffix the Great thanks to their excellent reviews on Tsar Advisor

and Rate My Tsar. But sadly, reviewers were less kind to Catherine's son, Ivan the Terrible. Ivan lost points for animal cruelty. He once had an elephant executed for failing to bow to him. Rufus. I think Ivan the Terrible had an elephant executed for failing to bow to him.

Rufus. I think Ivan the Terrible had an elephant executed for failing to bow to him. You're right in thinking that. Yes, the elephant, which had been sent from Persia to Moscow, was punished because it would not bend its knee to him. This is reported by Nikolai Mikhailovich

Karamzin, a Russian poet, historian and critic, who also states that Ivan would cruelly punish the unfortunate courtiers who dared to play better than their sovereign at chess or cards. Stupid courtiers, basically. He's called Ivan the Terrible the Scourge of the Step. What? The Scourge.

The Scourge of the Step. H. What? Oh scourge. The scourge of the step. H. What? Oh, H. He was the scourge of steps. Oh, is that not the same? No, this is the... All right, sorry.

Sorry. No, this is the one step. The naughty step. Yeah. The vast Siberian naughty step. The Russian peoples. Upon arriving in Moscow, why not enjoy a compulsory trip to the hall of Russian heroes, like Mr. Alexei Stakhanov, who once ploughed an area of land the size of Luxembourg in a single day,

Mr. Yuri Alyakin, the Russian cosmonaut who became the first man to ride a horse in space. And Mrs Fyodor Vassilyeva, who once gave birth to 69 children, 10 of whom were older than she was. Marcus. I think she might have given birth to 69 children, even though 10 of them were unlikely to be older than her. But that's not possible.

Well, it is true, Marcus. Well done. The first wife of 18th century Russian peasant Fyodor Vassilyev had 27 pregnancies between 1725 and 1765, resulting in 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets. That would definitely get on the Daily Mail website. Wildlife. While in Russia, be sure to clap your eyes around such wonders as the carnivorous trees

of Vishnivolochek, which devour insects and small birds and have been known to go for squirrels. For that matter, watch out for the Russian squirrels, which have been known to go for squirrels. For that matter, watch out for the Russian squirrels, which have been known to chase and eat dogs, and for Russian postmen, who have also been known to chase and eat dogs. Holly. The squirrels. You're right.

Yes. What? In 2005, squirrels attacked and bit to death a stray dog that was barking at them in a park in the centre of Lazzo, a village in southeastern Russia. Local witnesses reported that the black squirrels literally gutted the dog, taking pieces of their kill away with them.

It wasn't 69 hungry children in squirrel costumes, was it? And locals speculated that this behaviour could have been caused by a severe shortage of pine cones in the forests. Cuisine. Delight your stomach with typical Russian dishes such as reorganised weasel parts, yeast oblongs in a sauce of many bats

and chicken in a quandary. After the meal, there will be much hilarity and dancing, especially if the local postmen have enjoyed a good day's dog hunting. If you are invited to join in such a dance, it is very rude to refuse. Do bear in mind, Russian postmen all have guns. Holly. I reckon postmen have guns.

You're right, they do. In 2005, a decree was signed by the Russian Prime Minister to supply the staff of all organisations of federal postal services with military and civilian weaponry and bullets. That seems very sensible. It sounds totally safe. I would just like to say how massively relieved I am that my inept postman does not have a gun.

I tried to deliver this bullet, but you were out. On a little red card, and then I'd have to go down to an office which is shut and impossible to find, to be shot in person. Once I've proved that I'm actually me, despite the fact I've got the thing they left at my house. The best thing about it was, the red card says, sorry we missed you.

So, welcome to Russia. You will enjoy your stay, I hope and insist. Thank you, John. At the end of that round, John, You will enjoy your stay. I hope and insist Does it onion? Hey, thank you John At the end of that round John you've also managed to smuggle only one truth past the rest of the panel Which is that there are Tigers in Russia? Siberian or Amur Tigers are the world's largest cats and live primarily in the birch forests of Right at the beginning Right at the beginning.

Right at the beginning before you were properly listening. I think it was when we were still trying to acclimatise to the accent. And that means, John, you've scored one point. Next up is Rufus Hound. Your subject, Rufus, is hats. Shaped coverings for the head, typically worn for warmth, as fashion accessories or as part of a uniform. Off you go, Rufus.

Hats! Do any of us really know for certain who invented the hat? Well, archaeologists have discovered that they don't either. Marcus. Yes, I think we don't know for sure who invented the hat well rufus put that as a question a question is neither true nor a lie yeah it's just a question um i want to make a note of that and then the answer he gave was the archaeologists have discovered that they don't know who invented the hat well that's true that i think archae they don't know who invented the hat. Well, that's true.

I think archaeologists don't know, and I don't think that's been their main... But they haven't discovered that. They haven't discovered that they didn't know. That's still true, though, isn't it? What? That the archaeologists don't know who invented the hat. They haven't discovered that they don't.

That's not what they... Oh, we've discovered Troy. Oh, we've discovered this temple. Oh, we've discovered that we don't that's not what that you know what oh we've discovered troy oh we've discovered this temple yeah oh we've discovered that we don't know you don't know whether one day on time team or something they were like so who invented the hat and then someone went i actually don't know does anyone else know and they all looked around and went no no we don't know and they went oh i guess we've just discovered we don't know. And they went, oh, I guess we've just discovered we don't know who invented the hat. Yeah. I mean, I see what you mean. That was the afternoon drama here on BBC. I did archaeology A-level,

which makes me in some ways an archaeologist. And I have just discovered that we don't know who invented the hat. Yes. This is a very... Did you really do archaeology A-level? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Really? Again, I don't want to be married to you. I'm going to give you a point, Marcus. Was it you initially or Holly initially? I don't know, but I think I did most I'm happy to give it to you

but I just want the credit you've won the point Marcus now here's the acceptance speech for the point in which you credit Holly I would like to thank everybody involved in making this point possible obviously every time somebody gets a point like this

there's a huge team of people to enable it. But, I mean, chief amongst those, and I absolutely acknowledge the work that Rivers Hound put in to telling this truth and making it possible for me and me alone to stumble upon it. Terrible, terrible world show business. I think you've learned a very important lesson there, Holly. I don't want to marry Marcus either.

That's the last way. Doesn't matter, I've got the point, so... So it's now between me and David. To be honest, Holly, I question your wisdom in coming on a show like this looking for a husband. Holly, I don't question that. Sorry about that, Rufus. You don't lose a point.

I've conjured a point out of thin air. It's like quantitative easing. In 1721, beaver felt hats from the American colonies suddenly became incredibly popular amongst female hat wearers. In fact, during the winters of the 1720s, women across the globe were desperate to get their beaver felt. So much so that the Hat Act of 1732 banned the export of beaver felt hats from the American colonies,

which led to the American Revolution. Marcus. I think there was a ban on the export of beaver pelts. There was. That Hat Act that Rufus referred to is entirely true. It prohibited the export of hats from any British colony in order to protect the hat industry in England from American competition. The Hat Act has been cited as one of the grievances that led to the American,

of what's called here the American Revolution, which is, of course, the American War of Independence, to give it its more old-fashioned name that I cling to, like A.D. and B.C. I think you're right to cling to it, and I, like you, don't believe it's over. No. I think it is only a matter of time before America recognises the folly of their ways and welcomes itself back into the UK. And we will have them. Yeah. Is it going to be, as we lose Scotland, we get America?

Seems like a reasonable trade-off. I mean, that would be a bloody brilliant deal, wouldn't it? I'd take that like a shot. We lose McDonald's, but gain McDonald's. During the late 19th century, there was a craze for hats made from hummingbird skin. Did they sell? Oh, they literally flew off the shelves. Halcyonon days for hat fans but not for halcyons but there are signs that

the animal kingdom will suffer our hat fueled genocides no longer yang dikai of hunan has been attacked so often by an angry owl that he protects himself by wearing a special hat that is fitted with nails protruding from it it not only keeps away the owls, but with the addition of some cubes of cheebs and pineapple, Yang remains the life, soul and buffet of any soiree. John. I'm just too delighted by the image of both him being attacked by the owl and the lengths he went to avoid it that I want to say that's true. It is true.

Yes, well done. Yes, the owl began targeting the 79-year-old Chinese man in March 2007. The owl sometimes cooperated with another owl who hooted in a tree as the other swooped down to attack. And Yang believed that the owls might be attacking him as revenge after he removed a nest containing two baby owls from his roof. Yes, I think they probably are suddenly yang doesn't seem so nice i rather like the idea that somewhere harry potter's going why aren't these letters getting through to yang rufus is it farewell to the fez zijin to the mandarin and bon voyage to the beret

in fact don't bother with that last one in the Mandarin, and bon voyage to the Beret? In fact, don't bother with that last one. In the zoological hat war, the French have already, unsurprisingly, surrendered. There's only two Beret factories left in France, and both of them are on strike. Holly. I reckon there are very few Beret factories in France. You're right. In fact, there are only two. Well done.

So, as we stand on the brim of hat obsolescence, I say millinery should be for every last person on earth. Or in other words, hats all, folks. Thank you, Rufus. And at the end of that round, you, Rufus, also only smuggled one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that during the late 19th century, there was a craze for hats made from hummingbird skin.

London was the centre for the trade in exotic feathers during the plume boom of the late 19th and early 20th centuries, and one London dealer imported 40,000 hummingbird skins in one order. And that means, Rufufus you've scored one point which brings us to the final scores in fourth place with minus three points we have rufus hound in third place with no points it's mar, I'm delighted. In second place with four points, it's Holly Walsh. And in first place with an unassailable six points is this week's winner, John Finnemore.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists John Finnemore, Holly Walsh, Rufus Hound, and Marcus Brigstocke. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Nesmith. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.