The Unbelievable Truth - 17x04 Australia, Leather, Oil, Crisps

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

17x04 24 October 2016 Tony Hawks, Vicki Pepperdine, Clive Anderson, Richard Osman Australia, Leather, Oil, Crisps

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth. on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. It was Picasso who said, art is a lie that makes us realise the truth. In his case, the vital truth, that people don't have both eyes on the same side of their nose. And this week's panel really are the cream of comedy, thick and unhealthy. Please welcome Richard Osman, Tony Hawks, Clive Anderson and Vicky Pepperdine. The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. Tony has recently written the book Once Upon a Time in the West Country, and if just one person listening tonight buys his book, that'll be a start. Tony, your subject is Australia, an island country

and former British colony situated in the southern hemisphere between the Indian Ocean and the Pacific. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Australia is such a big country it's actually wider than the moon, covers more square miles than the rest of the world put together

and when it stands up, it's taller than Goran Ivanovic. Australian men are renowned for their foreplay, which involves kicking the cans off the bed. Winston Churchill famously said that the difference between Australia and a yoghurt is that a yoghurt has a live culture. the difference between Australia and a yoghurt is that a yoghurt has a live culture. In a survey in 1997, Australians were classed as being the 17th most friendly people in the world, and indeed this probably stems from the example set by Aborigines, whose lack of formality was legendary. When approaching a group of strangers, instead of extending and shaking hands in greeting, Australian Aboriginal tribesmen

chose instead to hold penises. Clive. I'd like it to be the case that they greeted each other by holding penises. That has a ring to it, it has a charm to it. And since I would like it to be true,

I'm going to assert that it is true. Well, it is true. Yes. Yes, many tribal Aborigines still practise a form of penis mutilation, slitting open the urethra... Oh! You still want this to be true. No, I don't want this to be true.

..to identify a man as someone of status. And when such a man entered a foreign camp, members of the tribe would partake in a penis-holding ritual. I just imagine it was their version of a firm handshake. This is taking it too far. The mutilation pre-holding is what really takes the

shine off it. Or puts one on, who knows? In 1923, the first woman to fly the length of Australia from Perth to Brisbane was Englishwoman Winifred Jing Pom, who never stopped complaining about the discomforts of her journey. As a direct result, the name Win Jing Pom has become part of the Australian language.

Errol Flynn had 19 unusual jobs in Australia. His first job was coaching people to needlessly go up at the end of their sentences. Errol Flynn had 19 unusual jobs in Australia. His first job was coaching people to needlessly go up at the end of their sentences. Another was castrating sheep with his teeth. Clive. That's got to be right. Sheep castration. You do castrate sheep with your teeth.

No, I don't. Sorry, I was mistaking you for Errol Flynn for a moment. An easy mistake to make. That is a way that they castrate sheep, by biting off their testicles. Yes. He wrote about it in his autobiography. Quote, I put my nose into this awful-smelling mess, my teeth solidly around the balls of the six-month-old sheep, and took a bite while I held him upside down.

My nose was in fur and ordure. I bit and spat out the product into a pile of what they called prairie oysters. They said this was the most sanitary way to de-ball a sheep. I'm guessing that was his first day. Australian first-class cricketer Reg Hiscock was the scourge of BBC commentators. During the third Ashes Test match at the Adelaide Oval in 1948, John Arlott was suspended by the BBC for six months for various remarks, including

Bradman is opening the batting with his cock. Bradman has been playing with his cock for nearly an hour. Good heavens, his cock is out. And the umpire is pointing his cock towards the pavilion. I have 9,000 other gags like this. Clive. That must be right. I'm sure you have.

I'll give you that one. A confused Australian backpacker once spent over 24 hours at Paddington Station asking staff where he could get the train to Lugabaruga. His predicament was only solved after a sharp-eyed employee noticed he was holding a ticket for Loughborough. That Lugabaruga, that could be true. That's such a random fact to include about Australia.

It must be right. It's not. Oh. Luga Baruga. What it was, Clive, was a cracking gag. Gag. You've got 8,999 more of those. The kangaroo is so loved by Australian people

that it is illegal to enjoy kangaroo soup in Queensland. You can eat it, but you mustn't enjoy it. And at Christmas, Santa's sleigh is pulled by eight white kangaroos. The only things more popular than kangaroos in Australia are cockroaches. They eat them coated in chocolate in Western Australia. Richard. Well, I'm sure that's true. What? That they eat cockroaches covered in chocolate. You can eat them coated in chocolate in Western Australia. Richard. Well, I'm sure that's true. What?

That they eat cockroaches covered in chocolate. You can eat them anywhere. They don't. No. I think you're thinking of maybe hazelnuts. I was. I was thinking of Twixes. You're quite right.

And on Australia Day, they celebrate with cockroach races. Richard. Do they celebrate with cockroach races? They do. Yes. Finally. Well done. Yes, the races take place on Baildon Street in Brisbane

and have been going for 35 years. There are 14 races on the day, including a steeplechase with plenty of prizes to win. And they're tiny little jockeys that sit on their back? Cock... Cockroach... Cock jockeys. Cock jockeys, yes. I'm glad you said that, Vicky. It sounded better.

Yes, I imagine there are cock jockeys. Yeah, there are. And that's the end of Tony's lecture. Oh, my God! And at the end of that round, Tony, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Australia is wider than the moon. No!

The second truth is that at Christmas, Santa's sleigh in Australia is pulled by eight white kangaroos. Oh. That's a Rolf Harris song, I think. It's in the poem... I'm sure it's nothing to do with him. In the poem An Australian Night Before Christmas, they're called Kylie, Kirsty, Shazza, Shane,

Kipper, Skipper, Baza and Wayne. And that means, Tony, you've scored two points. Wayne. And that means, Tony, you've scored two points. All ten species of the most venomous snakes in the world live in Australia. Good.

Next up is Vicky Pepperdine. Vicky, your subject is leather, the tanned hide of an animal commonly used to make shoes, clothing, furniture and a large number of other products. Off you go, Vicky. After their deaths, King Charles I would have the skins of his beloved Cavalier Spaniels tanned, oiled

and sewn into little waterproof capes for their descendants to wear during walks on rainy days. Richard. The dogs wearing the dog coats. All invention, yeah. Oh, I'm glad that's invention. I didn't like that. Wearing the tan hide of your predecessor. Yeah, that's not great, is it?

It's not nice. That's like Miles Jupp with Sandy Toxford, isn't it, on the news quiz. They do the same thing. I think it's in really poor taste. Scarcely covering. I know it's what Nicholas Parsons fears. I know it's what Nicholas Parsons fears.

In 14th-century Europe, it was the fashion for high-ranking noblemen to wear a short tunic below which they could display their genitals. The more modest toffs would cover the area with a leather pouch. This led to the development of the athletic support or jockstrap... Tony. Well, I'm going with Clive's policy of buzzing in with anything to do with penises or genitalia. That's a private matter between you and me. I don't think you need to bring that up here.

It's worked well for him, but the first part of that was true, not the bit at the end, but the bit preceding it. You're right. Oh! Yes, shorter tunics meant that men's hoses, two cloth tubes, one for each leg, left their genitals exposed when they were sitting or mounting a horse.

In the 15th century, the leather codpiece was introduced by tailors to protect men's modesty. When Charles Billinge, butler to the Howard family of Castle Howard, lost an arm and both legs during the Great War, Henry Fitzland Howard, the 15th Duke of Norfolk, paid for Billinge to have artificial limbs fitted which were carved from mahogany

and covered in the finest leather. He stayed with the family so long, he became part of the furniture. Leather has been used to create the first car number plates, the first scissors, the first school rubbers, the first greetings card, the first space rocket, early pipe tobacco, and as an inexpensive but long-lasting

and sugar-free toffee substitute for children. Tony. Right, tough one. But one of those, or possibly even two of those, could be true. But I obviously have a rule that I have to go by, which is the second one. Which is the first pair of leather scissors. No, I'm not going to...

No, I'm going to dismiss that one. I think the... What were the other ones? The car number plates. Tony's rule. Tony, you've got to just stop buzzing at the end of paragraphs that you haven't even bothered to listen to. You wait for a break, buzz the second one. I haven't...

I think not the leather number plates, not the scissors, the first school rubbers. Yes. The first school rubbers. Yes. No, that's not true. The leather factories of Essex, where raw skins were treated to become leather,

were originally known as tanning parlours. That tradition continues to this day. The museum in Rawlins, Wyoming, proudly displays a pair of leather shoes made from the skin of the notorious 19th century cattle rustler and highwayman, Big Nose George Parrott. The toe caps were fashioned from the skin of his enormous nose, but when Sheriff Tim Foster first tried them on the shoes wouldn't stop running.

The arse... The what? Yes. You may well ask. The arse... Oh God! I'm just going to say arse. You're just saying the arse, the arse, the arse. I am an arse. It's elbow.

Elbow. Elbow, the elbow. Just can't tell, can't tell. The Arschleder, or arse leather, backside sliding world championships are held annually in Neudorf, Germany. Tony. I think they do the backsliding leather championships in Germany. They do indeed.

Yeah, well done. Each contender wearing leather bum protection must scoot down a hill on his bottom. The retailer World of Leather holds the Guinness World Record for the greatest number of closing down sales in any single 10-year period. In Ohio, women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public

to prevent men from looking up their skirts. An unsuccessful pilot scheme had women in patent leather shoes also wearing patent leather drawers, so a peeping tom would just see his own face looking back at him, kicking off a craze for a new and frankly disturbing form of selfie.

Thank you, Vicky. And at the end of that round, Vicky, you have managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. Would one of them be on that enormous list by any chance?

Yes, well, they are. Leather has been used to create the first car number plates oh i so nearly went for that didn't i by 1905 leather was the dominant material for these plates onto which were riveted little more than the house numbers of the drivers the second truth is that the museum in rawlings wyoming proudly displays a pair of leather shoes made from the skin of the notorious 19th century cattle rustler and high women big-nosed George Parrott. Oh, come on.

George Parrott is infamous not only for being hanged as an outlaw, but for being the only man in American history to become a pair of shoes after his death. Parrott's dead body was dissected by a Dr John Osborne, who removed the skin from the man's thighs and chest and sent it to a tannery in Denver with instructions to use the skin including the dead man's nipples to make him a pair of shoes and a medicine bag. On receiving the shoes Dr Osborne was disappointed to find they didn't

include the nipples but wore them anyway. What a nice guy. And the third truth is that in Ohio, women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public. The law in Cleveland, Ohio, is technically still applicable, but not enforced. And that means, Vicky, you've scored three points. Dog manure used to be the preferred type of excrement for use in the tanning process in the 19th century. I say preferred,

though I don't expect the tanners exactly high-fived each other in excitement every time a new sack of turds arrived. Next up is Clive Anderson. A lawyer turned television presenter, Clive's chat show encounters have included Rolf Harris, Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter. So...

So much the same as if he'd stayed a lawyer. Clive, your subject is oil. Any number of viscous liquids obtained from animals or plants which are principally used as fuels, lubricants, foodstuffs or perfumes. Off you go, Clive. Black gold, Texas crude, gasoline and the gushers. All of these are the names of short-lived rock bands I played in during the oil crisis years of the 1970s. This was before I hooked up with Eric Clapton to form Oil Derek and the Dominoes. Anyway, oil. Suntan oil was first used by

Neolithic man and woman, giving their era the name the Bronze Age. Oddly enough, to produce just half a gram of the upscale beauty product oil of oulet, or olay, 2,000 oulets, or olays, have to be trapped, killed, and then pressed in a special oulet, or olay, mangle. in a special ule or ole mangle. Similarly, peak oil requires huge numbers of Pekingese dogs to be rendered down in a production process

first developed by Taoist monks in Beijing. A high-quality oil used to be extracted from the Great or King's scallop for use in marine engines, which is what gave the Shell Oil Company its name and logo. Richard. Listen, we haven't buzzed for a long time, so I believe you can extract oil from mollusks of some sort, was it? I forget what it was now.

See, the Shell... Scallops. The high-quality oil used to be extracted from the Great or King Scallop for use in marine engines. No. Yeah, no, you're right, no. Scallops. High-quality oil used to be extracted from the great or king scallop for use in marine engines. No. Yeah, you're right. No, it's... There it is. No, that's not true.

Oh, wouldn't it be lovely if it was there? It's a lovely story. Did you make that up? Yes. That's really nice. The truth is that the Shell Oil Company was founded by Marcus Samuel, whose father was a supplier of seashells to collectors. That's why it's called that.

No, they made little decorative boxes with shells on them. I think they were right that there was probably more money in oil going forward. In fact, if you type 142.15469 into a calculator, multiply it by five, then turn it upside down, it produces the words shell oil. Richard? I think that sum might be right. Certainly produces the words shell oil. Richard? I think that sum might be right. Certainly you can spell shell oil on a calculator

in much the same way you can spell boobies. Different sum, but... You're absolutely right. Oh. Richard's right. You might also try typing 58,008,618 to get big boobs. This is what we had to do before we had the internet. I mean, this is...

It's really... Saying the numbers the right way up really takes the joy out of this. Yeah, I would say you've got to really want, by the time you're putting 5,317,009 into a calculator just to be able to see in sort of digital letters the word ghoulies, then how culturally starved must you be?

Anyway, that thing about the shell oil in the calculator was true. And if you're thinking of trying that at home, then we have failed as broadcasters. Now, the use of castor oil as an aeroplane engine lubricant in the First World War had the unfortunate side effect of giving pilots chronic diarrhoea from swallowing the unburnt castor oil coming out of the engine's exhausts. The laxative quality of castor oil was later exploited by the Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, who force-fed castor oil to his enemies. Tony?

I do think if they inhaled this castor oil, they got diarrhoea. You're absolutely right. They did, yes. Yes. Pharmaceutical-quality castor oil was chosen as a lubricant for the rotary engine because it wouldn't dissolve in the heat. Unfortunately, pilots ended up swallowing large amounts of the oil during flight. The pilots' long white scarves were not a fashion statement,

but rather to wipe the oil from their goggles in the cockpit. Or indeed, the diarrhoea from their bottoms. Who knows? The word gasoline is not derived from the word gas, but from the name John Castle, founder of Castle & Company book publisher, beating off stiff competition from Chateau and Winderlein. The diesel engine is not named after the fuel,

but after the engine's inventor, Rudolf Diesel. Sadly, he went bankrupt developing his unsuccessful peanut wine, Vin Diesel. Van Diesel. Van Diesel. Sorry, I've done it. Richard. Stupidly mispronounced it. Diesel engine named after diesel. You're right.

Both the diesel engine and the fuel diesel are named after Rudolf Diesel. Rudolf Diesel. Sorry. Rudolf the red-nosed diesel. The trouble is, Rudolf Diesel, you must have been very proud that the diesel engine was named after you,

but what you've done is you've turned what must have been a perfectly normal surname into something that sounds ridiculous. Rudolf Diesel. It might as well be Eric Glove Compartment. Yes. Rudolf Diesel invented the diesel engine in the 1890s as a means of making himself seem ridiculous to posterity.

No, as a means of avoiding the soot and grime generated by coal. Anyway, thank you, Clive. And at the end of that round, Clive, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the laxative quality of castor oil was exploited by the Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, who force-fed castor oil to his enemies

to humiliate, torture torture and even kill them and the second truth is that the word gasoline is not derived from the word gas but from the name John Castle book publisher and petroleum product salesman it's widely believed to be the derivation anyway in 1862 John Castle began selling lighting oil under the name Gasoline in London, after which a rival company in Dublin began selling the same product under the name Gasoline, from which it's thought the name Gasoline derives. And that means, Clive, you've scored two points. At the time of his death,

oil tycoon John D. Rockefeller had a net worth of $1.4 trillion. Ah, but was he happy? Yes, he was. Next up is Richard Osman. Richard, your subject is crisps, typically very thin slices of potato that are fried or baked until crisp, and indeed until crisps, then seasoned and eaten as a cold snack.

Off you go, Richard. Crisps were originally invented in a bizarre farming accident in Bedfordshire in 1930 when a lorryload of potatoes overturned next to a hot cattle grid. They are widely considered to be a superfood, and leading nutritionists agree that a packet of Wotsits, a packet of Skips, a packet of Quavers, a packet of Chipsticks and a packet of Frazzles is the perfect way to get your five a day. Flavours of crisps

currently sold in the UK include Tandoori Brussels Sprouts, Barbecue Kangaroo, Hedgehog Tikka Masala, Musty Caravan, Whiff of Farage, Clarkson's Pocket and Crisp Flavour. Vicky. Oh, just Hedgehog Tikka Masala is ringing some bells for me.

No, no. Have I gone mad? I can't tell you that. You need to ask a medical professional. Yes. But no, there's no such flavour. Thanks. Best-selling crisps in Japan include cheese plops, cheesy butts,

beefy flaps, pork torpedoes, bum-bums, wet clams, knackers, plum surprise, fisherman's salty box, fiery snake, Clive. I'm going over the top. I have to tell you, Clive, the odds aren't with you. Fiery snake. Fiery snake. No. Damn. Vicky.

Bum bums. I know, we all feel like snake. No. Damn. Vicky. Bum-bums. I know, we all feel like that. No, that's not true. Come on, Tony, do it for us. I'd be letting everybody down if I didn't sacrifice a point here as well. I'm going to go with my rule of two. The second one, cheese butts. Cheesy butts, you mean?

Cheesy butts. No. Oh! He might have made them all up. Richard has perfected this technique of doing long lists, knowing we're all for it. That's my last long list, I promise you. In Germany, there are 74 laws...

No. There are at least 74 laws in Germany. There are at least 74 laws in Germany. In Germany, it is illegal to eat crisps in the street, but given that pretty much the only flavoured crisp you can buy in Germany is paprika, no-one really minds. An Arkansas crisp factory worker once married a potato, causing embarrassing scenes when the whole of the Bryce family turned up in the same jacket.

Those great heroes, crisp inventors, remained very attached to their creations. Archibald West, the inventor of Doritos, had them sprinkled onto his grave and the grave then filled with hummus. The inventor of the Pringles can had his ashes buried in one, proving that even when you pop off, you can't stop. Tony. I think the inventor of the Pringles can did have his ashes buried in one.

You're right, he did, yeah. Frederick Bower was so proud of his invention that he asked his children to bury his ashes in a Pringles can. On the way to the funeral home, his children stopped to purchase a can of Pringles in which to deposit his ashes. His son Larry said, my siblings and I briefly debated what flavour to use,

but I said, look, we need to use the original. I think we can all agree that was the most respectful choice. Can you imagine them solemnly eating all the Pringles to make room for the ashes? The most expensive packet of crisps in the world cost over £40,000, but that's what happens if you buy crisps at a service station. Andy Spector of Brighton has a collection of empty crisp packets

worth over £20,000 in what is an enormously... Yes, he does. He does have that collection. He does have that collection? Yes. Yes, yeah. Yes, Spector began collecting them as a schoolboy in the 1970s and now has over 3,000 empty packets. And he says he even met his partner through a shared love of pickled onion flavour Monster Munch.

And Hugh Hefner has a member of staff to pre-select all of his crisps so he never has to eat a broken one. And the future for crisps. NASA... NASA has launched a half-a-million-dollar hunt for a food scientist who can create a crisp that can safely be eaten in space. And Walkers have just announced a new range of crisps for dogs,

with flavours including parked car, that other dog, and the bins behind Waitrose. Thank you, Richard. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are... The long list of flavours in Japan, I'm afraid none of them were true.

No, no. But of the British flavours, barbecue kangaroo is the one that exists. And the second truth is that Archibald West, the inventor of Doritos, had them sprinkled onto his grave. Ah, I wondered. It's all this grave stuff.

At his funeral, guests were asked each to toss a Dorito into the grave with his ashes. And the third truth is that Hugh Hefner has a member of staff to pre-select all of his crisps so he never has to eat a broken one. Oh, that's ridiculous. And that means, Richard, you've scored three points. Retired footballers who've had crisps named after them

include Michael Owen, Cheese and Owen, and David Beckham, Smokey Beckham. So far, no such luck for David Seaman. Which brings us to the final scores. In joint third place, with minus one point each, we have Tony Hawks and Vicky Pepperdine. And in joint first place, with three points each, it's this week's winners Richard Osman and Clive Anderson.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nascar and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Tony Hawks, Richard Osman, Clive Anderson and Nicky Pepperdine. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Naismith.

It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.