The Unbelievable Truth - 19x02 Sugar, Chickens, Aeroplanes, Kanye West

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

19x02 9 October 2017 Arthur Smith, Lou Sanders, Phil Wang, Richard Osman Sugar, Chickens, Aeroplanes, Kanye West

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truth and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Elvis Presley once said, Truth is like the sun, you can shut it out for a time, but it ain't ever going away.

For our listeners in Scotland, the sun is like a giant light bulb but outside. Time to introduce our panel now, and four of the best comedians in the country was a big ask. Nevertheless, please welcome Arthur Smith, Lou Sanders, Phil Wang and Richard Osman. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Arthur Smith. Arthur starred in the BBC's remake of Are You Being Served, which was a surprise, as the BBC don't normally like going back over stuff that happened in the 70s. Arthur, your subject is sugar, a sucrose-based crystalline substance used as a sweetener and preservative in food and drink.

Off you go, Arthur. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. A popular dish in Norway is walrus liver fried in sugar. In North Korea, they eat dog rolled in sugar. And if you think that's revolting, in China, they put sugar on fish and chips. However, in Macedonia, you can buy a sugar kebab. Lou. One of them's true because a man in the audience just nodded. He was probably going to sleep.

I think... There's Norway walrus liver in sugar, North Korean dog roll in sugar, Chinese sugar on fish and chips, Macedonian sugar kebab. North Korea and China, I'll do it again. OK, so you're buzzing twice. Once for North Korea, once for China.

Of course it is. So you make two guesses, one's for North Korea, one's for China. OK Once for North Korea, once for China. Of course it is. So you make two guesses, once for North Korea, once for China. Right? Okay, one's true, one's false. So you even out. You've wiped your face, it's fine. Yes, in China, they put sugar on fish and chips. That's the true one. Which is wrong.

Since there are approximately one and a half million grains of sugar in a kilo Lou one and a half million grains of sugar in a kilo you're absolutely right also it was estimated by the University of Illinois though they note that the figure will be higher

for powdered sugar and lower for brown sugar due to the size of the crystals. So someone actually sat and counted them, presumably, did they? I don't... I mean, how would you find out? I don't think they sat and counted. I imagine they would count a percentage of it and then multiply it up. That's what I'd do. In 1948, a woman called Greta Carbo slept with a man called Wilfred Hydrate,

and they had a baby boy they called Alan Sugar. His childhood nickname was Plum. There's a village in Germany called Sugarfart, a town... Phil. I think Alan Sugar's nickname as a child was Plum. No. Why would you put that in there? Because I'm really clever.

I think it was P.G. Woodhouse's nickname. There's a town in Colorado called Sugaryville and a pub in Glasgow called The Sugar Man's Lament. And Alan Sugar's childhood nickname was really Pop It. Richard? There must be a pub in Glasgow called The Sugar Man's Lament. No. Why, literally, plum I get.

Why would you make that up? Where's he going with that? I don't know. What you're saying is it's neither true nor funny. It's just literally a waste of time. I'll tell you what it is, which is it's an absolutely nor funny. It's just literally a waste of time. Well, I'll tell you what it is, which is it's an absolutely lovely name for a pub.

You're right. Or a novel, even. The Sugar Man's Lament. Oh, The Sugar Man's Lament. Yeah. By Arthur Smith. Episode one, read by Martin Jarvis. Right, sugar is the main ingredient

in many types of moisturiser. A fact I learnt when I set up my own range of cosmetics. And by the way, please ask after if you'd like a free sample of my Arthur Smith anti-wrinkle cream. Not selling terribly well. I should mention here that Alan Sugar's childhood nickname was actually Mopsy. I should mention here that Alan Sugar's childhood nickname was actually Mopsy. The man who wrote these words, Sugar, oh Sugar, you are my candy girl

and you got me wanting you, went on to win the Pulitzer Prize to play football for Wimbledon Athletic and to be convicted of murder. And I sing that song better than anyone else in the world well it's wimbledon or murder that's what you say you all against that is for sure i'm going to say that the man who wrote sugar sugar went to prison for murder that's not true. No. It was written by Geoff Barry and

Andy Kim, who had a big hit in 1974 with Rock Me Gently. And they never caught either of them. Yes. Not yet. In 1919, 21 people in Boston, Massachusetts, were killed by a 2 million gallon,

25 foot high wave of treacle which swallowed eight buildings. It was the best day of King Kong's life. A few years ago an unfortunate misprint on the packaging of Findus lasagna announced contains added sugar. contains added sugar in 2006 the Blair government made candy cigarettes illegal you can still get them on the dark web but you don't need them anyway because real cigarettes also contain sugar and let me start by saying Alan sugar's childhood nickname was flogelhassenbircher. Real cigarettes do have some kind of sugar in them. They do. Well done, yes.

Cigarette manufacturers have added sugar, caramel and cocoa to cigarettes to improve their flavour and potency. And that's the end of Arthur's lecture. And at the end of that round, Arthur, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Alan Sugar's childhood nickname was Mopsy. He was given the nickname as a child due to his curly hair. And the second truth is that in 1919, 21 people in Boston, Massachusetts, were killed by a 2 million gallon, 20 foot high wave of treacle, which swallowed eight buildings.

I mean, how the hell did that happen? That summons really copped up there, hasn't it? Yes, well, it was called the Great Molasses Flood, and it was when a 50 foot tall tank holding 2.3 million gallons of molasses burst. The destructive flood threw people and horses about it killed 21 people injured 150 smashed buildings and even damaged the steel supports of an elevated railway rescuers had to wade knee deep through black treacle and sticky debris to reach survivors and that means Arthur, that you've scored two points. As late as the 15th century,

a teaspoon of sugar in Britain was worth three pounds in today's money. And if you buy it in my local branch of Whole Foods, it still is. Syria has the sweetest soft drinks anywhere in the world. To be fair, they probably do deserve the occasional treat Next up is Lou Sanders Lou grew up in Broadstairs in Kent the very same town where Charles Dickens wrote his classic novel David Copperfield coincidence Yes Lou your subject is chickens common domesticated fowl raised for their meat and eggs.

Off you go, Lou. OK. In the hit TV sitcom Birds of a Feather, Doreen's character was originally going to be played by a chicken, but they tried a few chickens out in the role and they're just not very good actors. Also, the TV show was initially going to be shown pre-Watershed and a lot of chickens were like,

Cluck this, cluck that. There is no word for chicken in China, Mandarin or whatever. Sorry, Phil. To indicate... What? You say there's no word for chicken in China, Mandarin, whatever? Yeah. You know the other one they speak.

No-one's bothered. Alex. There's no... Luke, to be fair, You know the other one they speak. No one's bothered. Okay. There's no... Luke, to be fair, you shouldn't just apologise to Phil. Okay, okay. Start again. In China, there's no word for chicken, right? So to indicate chicken, they've got to flap their arms,

waddle like a duck, and then they quack like a duck, and then someone says duck, and then they're like, no. arms, waddle like a duck, and then they quack like a duck, and then someone says, duck? And then they're like, no. In Japan, chicken shit is used both as an insult and a face cream. Richard? They use guano, don't they, in face cream? They don't use chicken excrement in face cream, no. Well, and I have been, I don't know what I'm using, because...

Well, it could be the Japanese use Asian nightingale excrement mixed with rice bran in beauty facial. Hold on, I've been eating that. We all know that chickens have a temper and get cross, sure. But also, chickens can be diagnosed with depression and feel empathy. So if you eat battery-farmed chickens, it means they'll never go out with you. Phil. I think chickens can have depression. I've tasted it.

You're right. They can be diagnosed with depression and feel empathy. Empathy was once thought to be a uniquely human trait. However, then someone met Piers Morgan. But, however, in experiments, female chickens showed clear signs of anxiety and upset when they're young or in distress chickens have also been observed to suffer depression particularly those with the chicken anemia virus teresa may has identified the british chicken as her spirit animal but we think she did this to honor a previous chap who lived at 10 Downing Street who was called Mr Chicken. And his favourite meal? Chicken, of course.

Mrs Chicken. Wink. Rachel. I think there was a previous inhabitant of 10 Downing Street called Mr Chicken. There was. Really? That's very well spotted. I didn't think anyone would get that. Yes, according to Number 10's website,

the Downing Street house had several distinguished residents before it was used by prime ministers. The Countess of Yarmouth, followed by Lord Lansdowne and the Earl of Grantham. The last private resident was one Mr Chicken. During the First World War, Kaiser Wilhelm urged farmers to feed their hens gunpowder so their eggs could be used as hand grenades.

Lenny Henry and Claudia Winkleman are allergic to chicken and some chickens are allergic to feathers. Absolute nightmare. I reckon one out of Lenny and Claudia is allergic to chickens, which I imagine must be possible, and it is Claudia Winkleman. Incorrect. Damn.

Richard. I think that some chickens are allergic to feathers. Incorrect. Anymore? Lenny Henry's afraid of chickens. Sorry, allergic to them. Yes, Lenny Henry is allergic to chickens. You see?

Yeah. In response to a question by the Telegraph about whether he was allergic to anything, I imagine it's a regular feature in the Telegraph, are you allergic to anything? He responded, I'm allergic to chicken. This week on Are You Allergic To Anything?

Lenny Henry. I'm allergic to chicken. Big picture of him. Picture of a chicken. Quote, I'm allergic to chicken. It's a great way of filling up space. You don't need to send a reporter anywhere. Next week

Keith Jekwin and peanuts. Anyway, I'm allergic to chicken. I used to eat fast food chicken and it made my eyes swell up so I stopped eating it. So it's even better. There's a story to go with it. Come on, you're serious in this.

Yeah. Once, a Chicken McNugget sold on eBay for over $8,000 because it looked a bit like George Washington. Phil. I think a Chicken Nugget did sell for $8,000. I'm so angry. As you can infer from Lou's rage, that is correct.

The three-year-old Chicken McNugget sold for $8,100 in 2012 after receiving 71 bids from 23 bidders. Ex-Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond used to work as a chicken chaser at his local farm until the farmer fired him for getting off with a chicken. Phil. I reckon that's true about Richard Hammond chasing chickens and that's where he got his taste for speed.

You're absolutely right. Yes. The young Richard Hammond decided not to go to university and instead took a series of part-time jobs, including working as a chicken chaser on a local farm. What sort of job is that? I mean, why do they need chasing? Funny you should ask that. He's still chasing cocks to this day, isn't he? The job of chicken chaser involves getting the birds in a place so they can be sexed.

Lovely stuff. As in, they're sex determined. It's important to determine the sex of a chicken as early as possible, so you know to kill all the male ones otherwise you spend your life feeding thousands and thousands of male chickens under incredibly cruel conditions hoping that one of them will lay an egg okay david beckham can only make love to his wife if he and she are both dressed as chickens. They don't have to imitate any of the sounds.

It really is just a visual thing for David. Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that round, Lou, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points in the 17th century pancake day was celebrated by beating a chicken to death with cudgels while pancakes were traditionally enjoyed on smash a chicken to death day Andy Warhol's brother Paul War, held an exhibition of paintings he created using chicken feet as brushes. I'm not sure, but I'm guessing this may be why we've never heard of Paul Warhol.

Next up is Phil Wang. Phil is half English, half Malaysian. Weirdly divided lengthways. Phil, your subject is aeroplanes. Fixed-wing flying vehicles that are propelled forward by jet engines or propellers. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Phil. The aeroplane as we know it today was in fact originally designed by Leonardo's brother, Eric DiCaprio. Early commercial flights had to observe a speed limit of 10 miles an hour and had to have a balloonist fly in front of them carrying a red flag and a carrot. Stewardesses used to be called Sky Mums.

And the first propeller engine was known to everybody as Apollo's desk fan. Lou. I think Sky Mums might be true. It's not true. I just thought Mums might be true. It's not true. I just thought because of the patriarchy. If it were true, that would be why. The first American jet fighters in the 40s and 50s were known as blowjobs because they so often went down.

Richard. It's a good joke, but I wonder if they were called that. You're right to wonder. It's absolutely true. Blowjob was a short-lived but reasonably widespread nickname amongst pilots for a number of early jet planes. If you flew from London to New York by Concorde, due to the time zones you crossed, you could arrive one and a half hours before you left.

And if you kept flying back and forth, you'd eventually go back in time to the days before the airplane was invented. And it would disappear beneath you. Richard? Yeah, you did used to be able to turn up before you left. Yes. I mean, in terms of the time on the clock, you absolutely could. The flight time of Concorde was three and a half hours, and the time difference

between the two places being five hours. So, yeah. It's amazing, isn't it? Have you been on the Concorde, Richard? No. Oh, cool. Now, that's a chat show. According to law, if a baby is delivered on a flight, she or he can get the citizenship of the country

that airline is registered in. Oh, that's true. It is true. According to the United Nations, a baby born on a flight is a citizen of the country where the airline is registered. If, however, the baby is delivered in the cockpit, it has to immediately take over as pilot. In the aviation community,

babies that were born on flights are called metal eggs, and, when fully grown, are entitled by birthright to drink the blood of any flight attendant. And speedy boarding. Passengers who died on British Airways flights used to be given sunglasses, a vodka and tonic, and a copy of the Daily Mail to avoid discovery by other passengers.

Because who'd want to talk to that guy? Lou. I think they were given sunglasses. I mean, I've lost so bad. I'm going to go with that. That was true. It is true. Yes. Well done. Yes.

According to a lead cabin crew trainer quoted in the Daily Telegraph in 2016, British Airways used to prop up dead passengers and pretend they were dozing. She said, it's what we used to do many years ago. Give them a vodka and tonic, a Daily Mail and eye shades, and we were like, they're fine. We don't do that now. Passengers on Qatar Airways flights can carry one falcon in economy class.

In business class, your falcon gets its own seat and free-flowing mice. Richard. I suspect in first class on Qatar Airways you can bring a falcon and have it in a seat. Not just in first class, in economy class. Why are they not flying? Qatar Airways state on their website that passengers are allowed to carry one falcon in the economy class cabin with a maximum of six falcons being permitted within the cabin of any one aircraft

so if everyone brings a falcon that's not workable. You can also take one crow in your handbag or backpack but ostriches must be checked in Thank you Phil And at the end of that round Phil you have also smuggled no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points.

Next up is Richard Osman. At two metres and one centimetre high, Richard is one of the tallest panellists ever to have appeared on Radio 4. In fact, he's so tall that the top of his head is almost on Radio 3. Richard, your subject is Kanye West. The Grammy Award-winning American rapper, record producer, fashion designer and entrepreneur. Off you go, Richard. Kanye West is a parliamentary constituency in Gloucestershire. Won by the Liberal Democrats in 2017. Kanye South is a parliamentary constituency in Botsoucestershire. Won by the Liberal Democrats in 2017.

Kanye South is a parliamentary constituency in Botswana, won in 2014 by the Umbrella for Democratic Change. Kanye North was the name of an American Springer Spaniel who won several awards at Crufts in 2017, while passengers for Kanye South should change at Kanye Parkway. I'll bet one of those is true again. Out of the names. What was the one in Africa? Kanye South in Botswana. No, it was the other one.

The one that's true. You've got North and South left. All right, North. No. Kanye North was not the name of an American springer Spaniel who won several awards at Cruft. Oh, I was thinking of the place. I'll give up.

Kanye West is now, of course, the greatest rap star in the history of the planet. But his previous jobs include being a stuntman in a fabric softener advert, a karate demonstrator in China, and a boomerang salesman in Australia. Sale or return, of course. Thank you. In 2008, Kanye married Kim Jong

Kardashian. Guests at the wedding included John Nettles, Christopher Biggins, Sue Pollard, and Martin Roberts from Homes Under the Hammer. Here are some money-saving tips from the wedding. Want to save money on an expensive wedding photographer?

Kanye simply paid Google to redirect a GPS satellite to take wedding photos from space. Want to save money on fancy place guards? Kanye simply employed a stonemason to carve the names of the guests directly into the Italian marble wedding tables. Phil. I think it's true about the name carvings in the marble.

You're right. That's true. It's what I do. Yes, a team of Italian stonemasons were employed to engrave the name of each wedding guest into the marble of the tabletop. It's reported that things did not go entirely to plan, firstly as several guests found their names were spelled incorrectly, and secondly as so many guests brought entourages, so the seating plan turned to chaos. In the end, only Kim and Kanye sat at their allocated places. Kanye's mafia-themed nicknames include

the Bollinger Brando, the Louis Vuitton Don, the Givenchy Godfather, and the Corleone of Georgia Asda. Lou. Louis Vuitton Don. You're right. Well done. So it's straight for Louis Vuitton Don. Some of Kanye's other

nicknames are Pablo, Yeezy, Yeezus, K-Rock, Swag, King Cole and the Black Zac Efron. I feel like I've just become a machine for reading out gibberish now. Richard. Among his kids' TV-themed catchphrases are

Can ye fix it? Yes, ye can. And Teddy Tubby say, Eh-oh, ****. That's one of Radio 4's three uses of the word **** for the day gone. That's the second one. Oh, ****. That leaves none for Booker Bedtime. By Martin Jarvis.

Kanye is the great-great-grandson of tuna magnate John West. Just giving a little pause for a buzz there. Among Kanye's controversial opinions, he has claimed that a Jaffa Cake isn't a biscuit, despite being in the biscuit aisle. Lou. Absolutely yes. What?

About the Jaffa cake. Do you know, he hasn't spoken on the sandwich. He's got bigger things on his mind. I don't know. Maybe he's waiting for the right moment to... But no. He claims to prefer it when Eamon and Ruth are hosting this morning instead of Phil and Holly.

He has claimed that Coldplay are better than the Beatles, that Donald Trump is a greater American than Abraham Lincoln, and that the best Nando's flavour is lemon and herb. Arthur. Definitely the better than Lincoln. I mean, that's a classic Kanye West thing, isn't it? And he was a Trump supporter, wasn't he? He has not made that claim.

Really? Among his remaining ambitions, he says he wants to rap on Mars, mainly because it rhymes with so much. I think he has said he's going to wrap on Mars. He hasn't. Oh, no. I mean, it takes about five years to get to Mars, doesn't it? I mean, no one's gone, but it would take five years to get there.

No, it's only three years, I think. Only three years? Yeah. Oh, maybe he would then. Suddenly it all works out, doesn't it? Actually, you're back in barely more than half a decade, aren't you? And that's if you stay for a week. But also, with the time difference, you get there before you leave anyway.

All right, yeah. He wants to work on a track with Sandy Toksvig and David Mitchell, who he calls D-Mitch. And he wants to apologise unreservedly to fans of the Teletubbies for any offences catchphrase may have caused. Thank you, Richard. Thank you, Richard. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. The first one, Arthur was very close to, but he lacked the courage of his convictions.

It was Kanye South, a parliamentary constituency in Botswana won in 2014 by the umbrella for democratic change The second truth is that Kanye was a karate demonstrator in China And the third truth is that he's claimed that Coldplay are better than the Beatles 2010 he said in 30 years when Coldplay are old men People will look back and say these guys were more talented than the Beatles. And that means, Richard, you've scored three points. Kim says that she knew Kanye was the one when she stayed at his place for the first time and he had the heating turned up high. If she likes Kanye, she would have loved my granddad. turned up high. If she likes Kanye, she would have loved my grandad.

Kanye's wedding present to Kim was a specially commissioned painting of her wearing a thong with my queen down the left-hand side of the canvas and perfect bitch on the right. An idea he copied from Prince Philip. Which brings us to the final scores.

In joint third place with minus two points, it's Arthur Smith and Lou Sanders. In second place with two points, it's Richard Osman. And in first place with an unassailable three points it's this week's winner, Phil Wang. That's about it for this week. Goodbye.

The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Gardon and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Phil Wang, Lou Sanders, Arthur Smith and Richard Osmond. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Christine Rose and the producer was John Nason. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.

And there'll be more unbelievable stuff next week at the same time.