The Unbelievable Truth - 20x06 Walking, NASA, Soap operas, Poets

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

20x06 7 May 2018 Arthur Smith, Jack Dee, Lucy Porter, Lloyd Langford Walking, NASA, Soap operas, Poets

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. The audience are on the edge of their seats, but we've locked the doors so there's no leaving now. Please welcome Arthur Smith, Lucy Porter, Lloyd Langford and Jack Dee.

The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

First up is Arthur Smith. Arthur, your subject is walking, moving over a surface by taking steps with the feet at a pace slower than a run. Off you go, Arthur. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Humans first took up walking about half a million years ago, after they had become bipeds and invented trousers and shoes. Walking ended in Britain in 2010 with the arrival of Uber taxis. The first time the Roman general Aulus Plautius

saw a walrus walking on the Northumbrian coast, he thought its teeth were feet, which is why the Latin word for walrus means tooth-walking seahorse. which is why the Latin word for walrus means tooth-walking seahorse. Meanwhile, the penis worm can turn its mouth inside out and walk on its throat, which it does presumably to distract people from its embarrassing name. Lloyd. I reckon maybe that's how the penis worm gets about.

On the old inside-out fraud movement. You're right. The ancient fish-eating penis worm, which is the size, shape and colour of a penis, evolved around 500 million years ago, before the penis.

Oddly. So, essentially, the penis has ripped off its idea and it has spent much of its time so really the penis is named after a worm well i know because i think the penis was named before the penis worm which is ridiculous so the order of events inventor of the penis worm invention of the penis yeah naming of the penis naming of the penis worm if you need more proof of the penis, naming of the penis, naming of the penis worm. Now, if you need more proof of the patriarchy than that... LAUGHTER When they say it's the size of a penis...

Yes. I mean... LAUGHTER That's a scientist's call there, isn't it? Absolutely. But, I mean, maybe, like penises, the penis worm varies in size. But maybe between similar parameters. Now, the smallest are still visible to the naked eye,

and the largest could fit in a warehouse. I wish you'd brought a penis worm with you. I'm a bit disappointed not to see one walking along with its teeth inside out. That's entertainment in my book. I'm tempted to pretend I've brought one. Please don't. Lunting is walking along briskly after taking snuff. Lunting is walking along briskly after taking snuff. Lunting is walking along humming.

Lunting is walking along farting so loudly that your companion laughs and falls into a canal. Everybody listening to this wants me to keep saying the word lunting. Lunting is walking along with somebody else's sweetheart. Lunting is walking along smoking a pipe. Walking for charity is known as goodwill lunting. Jack? Well, I think this has morphed into Call My Bluff, hasn't it?

It's obviously got to be one of these things, and I think lunting is walking along with someone else's sweetheart. It isn't. Lucy? Is it walking along smoking someone else's sweetheart. It isn't. Lucy? Is it walking along smoking a pipe? That's what it is. No! Einstein famously asked,

if the entire population of China started walking past you in single file, wouldn't you think something was up? wouldn't you think something was up? If you're an anxious person, when walking you will tend to veer to the left. If you're a member of the Bazanite sect in Uzbekistan, you walk around in circles to get dizzy as a form of intoxication that involves no drinking. If you see an Adamite,

you walk around naked for religious reasons. Lloyd. Do anxious people veer to the left? They do. Yeah, well done. Not politically, I should add. If anything, that's the reverse. Scientists at the University of Kent,

who are studying the link between the brain's two hemispheres and shifts in people's walking trajectories, discovered that experiencing anxiety or inhibition caused the walker to veer to the left. The total distance I have walked in my lifetime would take me halfway to the moon, which is the name of the Wetherspoons pub in Ballam. Jack?

I think the distance most people walk in their life would take them halfway to the moon, I reckon. That statistically is about right. No. No. It's not that far off, but it's not quite that. The moon is 252,000 miles away from the Earth. Half of that is 126,000 miles.

The average moderately active person takes around 7,500 steps a day. If you maintain that daily average and live until 80 years, you'll have walked about 216,262,500 steps in your lifetime. Doing the maths, the average person with the average stride living until 80 will walk a distance of around 110,000 miles. At Arthur's age, 63, using this calculation, he'd have walked 86,625 miles.

So less than a third of the way to the moon. I was unaware that we'd added pedantry to the rules of the game. And that's the end of Arthur's lecture. Thank you. And at the end of that round, Arthur, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the Latin word for walrus, Odobinus rosmarus,

means tooth-walking seahorse. Walruses use their tusks for many purposes, one of which is to haul themselves out of the water, hence the tooth-walking description. And the second truth is that Adamites are people who walk around naked for religious reasons. An Adamite, as defined by the Oxford English Dictionary, is a member of any of a number of sects, both in the early church and later, who imitated the biblical Adam by going naked, typically as a symbol of purity. And that means, Arthur, you've scored two points.

Next up is Jack D. Jack, your subject is NASA, or National Aeronautics and Space Administration, an American governmental agency responsible for aerospace research, aeronautics and the civilian space programme. Off you go, Jack. I've always wanted to be a NASA astronaut. I dream of sitting in a rocket, being blasted into orbit,

looking out of the window at the planet Earth beneath me and becoming the first unimpressed man in space. In the 1960s, NASA were sued for copyright infringement by the Nebraska Amateur Squash Association, and to this day, in Nebraska, they're referred to as NASA brackets the space ones. Lloyd. I'm going to take a punt on that.

The squash people got angry. No, no. There's no such statewide association. But other Nassers in North America include the National Autosport Association, the North American Sommelier Association, and the North American Saxophone Alliance.

NASA have trained their scientists by making them watch the Bruce Willis film Armageddon and seeing if they notice that it's rubbish. Lloyd. Did they show astronauts Armageddon? They did.

Yes, NASA has often shown the film as part of its management training programme, asking new staff to identify as many scientific inaccuracies as they can. Apparently, there are at least 168 of them. Thanks to a malfunctioning toilet, a NASA shuttle in the 1980s managed to produce a giant icicle made of urine.

Ah, the sights and wonders of space. In 2006, NASA admitted that they had taped over their original copies of the moon landings with episodes of Doctor Who, because the effects were better. Lloyd. Did they tape over the original copies, but not with Doctor Who? They did tape over the original copies.

Yes. Because of money-saving measures in the 1970s and 80s, NASA taped over its only high-resolution images of the moon landings. It's all fake news because the Earth is flat. There is no moon landings. None of that is true at all. The thing is, though, Arthur,

whether or not the moon landing footage was constructed very, very carefully and expensively as a fake or whether it was done in the conventional way of going to the moon and taking it, either way, it was a massive hassle. And it's worth hanging on to the tape. I think this is something that we could bring together, the conspiracy theorists and normal people.

We can all agree that it was stupid to tape over it. Or did they? The late Queen Mother was greatly amused when astronaut John Glenn explained to her that turds that float out of the waste disposal unit and off into space are known as escapees. Lucy. I think

Her Majesty the Queen Mother would have found anything involving turds amusing. You could have been hanged for saying that. We have no evidence of the Queen Mother being amused by John Glenn. But they are called escapees. Would you like to buzz for that separate fact? Oh, Arthur.

They are called escapees. They are called escapees. Yes! It was a dirty bit of play. It was. Yes, escapee is the term used by NASA for a flash-frozen poo that has escaped from the toilet in zero gravity. And it should be escapeepoo, not SKP.

I mean, it really should. But it isn't, anyway. Compared to urinating in space, doing a number two is a lot more of an issue for the astronauts, apparently. So much so that NASA astronauts undergo many hours of space defecation training on Earth prior to their space mission. Takes the glamour out of it, doesn't it? For the last 30 years, NASA has been broadcasting into deep space

the sound of the carpenters singing, calling all occupants of interplanetary craft in what extraterrestrial species may well interpret as an act of war. Lucy. Do you know, I've got the feeling that that is a little NASA joke, and it's true, that they do do that. No, they don't do that, no. Although in 2008, they beamed the Beatles song

Across the Universe into deep space. That's what I'm thinking of. Honestly, they never get back to you, do they, these aliens? Write to them, send them messages, they never reply. How many pyramids do you want them to build? Astronauts now use 3D printing to make a number of items useful on long space missions, including toilet paper, pizza

and a partner who really understands them. Arthur. I think they may use 3D printing for toilet paper. You're wrong. Ah, no, it's pizza. Lloyd. I'd go for pizza in that case. You're right, Lloyd. It's pizza, yeah. Yes, NASA has been

working with a company called B-Hex in Austin, Texas to develop palatable foods for astronauts on long space missions and they've been trialling a device with their astronauts that can 3D print a pizza. How do they get the toppings to stay on the pizza? Well, you want to be pretty sure they have stayed on the pizza because there's other stuff floating around.

And that's the end of Jack's lecture. And at the end of that round, Jack, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that thanks to a malfunctioning toilet, a NASA shuttle in the 1980s managed to produce a giant icicle made of urine. In 1984, the urine collection system on the space shuttle Discovery had to be shut down when a urine icicle formed that threatened to damage the craft's protective heat tiles.

when a urine icicle formed that threatened to damage the craft's protective heat tiles. In 1977, Apollo astronaut Rusty Schweickart called the dump of waste liquid at sunset, quote, one of the most beautiful sights in orbit. As the stuff comes out and hits the exit nozzle, it instantly flashes into 10 million little ice crystals which go out almost in a hemisphere. A spray of sparklers almost.

It's really a spectacular sight. So you go up to space to watch man piss into it. And that means, Jack, you've scored one point. Next up is Lucy Porter. Lucy, your subject is soap operas, popular television or radio drama series about the daily lives and problems of a group of characters who live in a particular place.

Off you go, Lucy. OK, I'm going to begin by clarifying the origin of the term soap opera. Obviously, it's opera because all the parts are sung to instrumental accompaniment, and soap is an acronym for shoutily overacted absurd plot lines. Or should the acronym be sad or angry people? Indeed EastEnders is broadcast in Japan under the title angry men and sad women. The original working titles for the SOAP included who killed Reg Cox, Bow Bells, Square Dance and what you looking at you, Slag?

Jack? I think they might have thought of Bow Bells as their name. No. They didn't. Lloyd? Maybe they called it Who Killed Reg Cox? They weren't expecting it to run for very long. No, they didn't.

They were expecting it to run. I think they called it EastEnders. Yes, obviously they called it EastEnders. Yes, obviously they called it EastEnders. What we're discussing is what they thought of calling it before they called it EastEnders. No, I think they thought of calling it that, and then they did. No, they never... Obviously, I mean, it's not like... They obviously thought of calling it that subsequently, but, yeah.

Well, I was just helping out. Yeah. Thank you. Now the programme will be long enough. Lucy. Lucy. I have to say, the programme's long enough now. Right.

Absolutely any swear words are permitted in Albert Square, but words which are banned from ever appearing in EastEnders include references to Coronation Street, the concepts of happiness and gentrification, and mention of historical figures such as Mussolini and Hitler. Following the ban on any mention of Hitler's name, Ken Livingstone was of course twice rejected for a cameo.

Jack? I think they're probably not allowed to refer to Coronation Street on EastEnders. As far as we know they are. As far as you know. As far as I know, yeah. Can you cite an example where they have? Well, there's a bit in one episode. Shall we watch Coronation Street?

No, it's crap. Lloyd. I reckon that Ken Livingstone was twice rejected for a cameo. He wanted to be on the show, and they were like, no, it's grim enough. You're right. You're right. Yet Mayor Boris Johnson did appear in 2009.

Yeah, cos he just walked onto the set when they were filming. Either that or the BBC is more frightened of the Conservatives than the Labour Party. It's not all doom and gloom, though. An impressive five ex-caste members of Hollyoaks have been nominated for Academy Awards, and Wellard the EastEnders dog appeared in the movie Gladiator, though sadly he was unrecognisable in his tiger suit. Lloyd.

I think the thing with these showbiz dogs is there aren't that many of them. And most of them are Dalmatians. LAUGHTER I reckon Wellard was in Gladiator. I mean, his name isn't Wellard in real life, but, yeah, the same dog. Whatever his real name is, sort of James Cuthbertson, who plays the role of Wellard.

You're right, yes. Yes, EastEnders dog Wellard appeared in the Russell Crowe blockbuster Gladiator, as well as 102 Dalmatians. Obviously, they couldn't find another Dalmatian, and Wellard's a very transformative performer. That is

some top-level acting. I don't think it's appropriate for dogs to spot up for a role. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Meanwhile, I don't think it's appropriate for dogs to spot up for a roller. Meanwhile, on Radio 4, The Archers is the only soap to have a cast of one. Talented voice actor Ormerod Stott has voiced all 2,700 Archers characters since the series began.

He also provides all the sound effects and can create the noise of a calf being born using nothing but a Wellington boot and three gallons of Vaseline. Lloyd. Is that how they simulate a calf being born on the arches? It isn't, no. So apparently they do recreate the sound of a lamb being born using a pot of yoghurt, a wet tea towel and some old audio tape.

Not audio tape of a lamb. Yes, the sound effects person squelches their hand in the yoghurt and then throws the damp tea towel onto the audio tape to create the right sound. The sound of a man with no self-respect. In 1952, it was made compulsory for every member of the royal family to appear in a soap opera. Princess Margaret was a receptionist in Crossroads, the Queen had a five-week story arc in El Dorado,

and Prince Charles appeared in Coronation Street as the cat they show in the ad breaks. When Meghan Markle joins the royal family, she'll be sent off to do her royal duty on the set of Hollyoaks, while ironically Princess Kate will take over Meghan's character in Suits. Jack? I'm going to go

for Princess Margaret being in Crossroads. She'd have been a perfect receptionist in Crossroads. Yeah, I think she was born for that role. Yeah, but no. I sense that, by the way, you said she would have been. She would have. Yeah, she was a very unhappy woman, Princess Margaret. A lot of reasons are cited,

but I think it probably is the fact that she was never allowed to be in Crossroads. In Australia, they are just recovering from a ten-year civil war between fans of Home and Away and fans of Neighbours. The bloody conflict, which claimed over 12,000 lives, began between the group calling themselves the Home Awayers and the group calling themselves the All Neighbours. The bloody conflict which claimed over 12,000 lives began between the group calling themselves the Home Awayers and the group calling themselves the All Neighbours, which coincidentally

is an anagram for Erinsborough. Lloyd. Is All Neighbours an anagram of Erinsborough? Yes, it is. Yes, All Neighbours is an anagram of Erinsborough, the fictional suburb where Neighbours is set. I'd like to finish my lecture on soap operas,

but instead I'll carry on, teasing you with various cliffhangers. Oh, will I? Yes, I will. I think it's true Lucy would like to finish. You've got me. You've got me there. OK, you get a bonus point. But actually, you can't stop me, because I'm not Lucy Porter. I'm Lucy's evil twin, Janet Street Porter. Doof, doof, doof, doof, doof, doof, doof, doof.

Thank you, Lucy. And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that among the original working titles for EastEnders was Square Dance. And the second truth is that Prince Charles appeared in Coronation Street. He made a brief

appearance in the live episode broadcast on the 8th of December 2000 for the show's 40th anniversary. And that means, Lucy, you've scored two points. Next up is Lloyd Langford. Lloyd, your subject is poets, persons who compose poetry,

an art form involving rhythmical composition, written or spoken, which excites pleasure with the use of beautiful, imaginative or elevated thoughts. Off you go, Lloyd. Poets, along with human statues and jugglers, are one of the few roles in the arts that a comedian can legitimately look down upon. Poet's Corner is the spot right next to the radiator

in your local job centre. Sadly, poetry and the need to self-medicate with alcohol are inextricably linked, as anyone who's attended a poetry slam will attest. The Irish poet Brendan Behan became an alcoholic at eight, which is a shame, as the pubs didn't open until 11. Doctors at the Central Middlesex Hospital were banned from writing patient notes in limerick form

following a craze among them in the early 1990s. The ban was enforced after one patient was shocked to read her own notes. This uneasy young woman from Ealing described a peculiar feeling. An ache in her liver has left her a quiver, suspected advanced haemochromatosis, possibly terminal. Did you know that the German, Gottlob Berman, mor angen y llythyr R, ei fod wedi'i ddewis yn ei poedigaeth a'i sgwrs diwydiannol?

Mae'r rheswm am ei ddifrif o R yn ddim, er ei fod, fel dyn ifanc, wedi cael ei sodomu gan y pirwtiau. Gwbl. Gwbl. Gwbl. Gwbl. Gwbl. Gwbl.

Gwbl. Gwbl. Gwbl. Gwbl. Gwbl. Gwbl. Arthur. Not the last bit, obviously. I can imagine there was an experimental German poet who refused to use the letter R, because there was a Frenchman who did something similar. Henri Queneau, I remember, who never used a particular letter. So I think this German, that's true.

You're right, it is true, yes. Yes, Gottlob Berman wrote 130 poems, a total of 20,000 words without the letter R. He's even said to have eliminated the letter from his daily speech for the last 17 years of his life. And that of course

included his own name. Berman considered removing the R from his surname until fellow German poet Otto Kummerspeck told him that he would then be Gottlob Bumman, and this would only bring back painful memories. Shortness is an asset for a poet, as your

audience find themselves with less time to escape before a recital starts, as they think you're further away than you actually are. Poet Alexander Pope was only 4ft 6. That's two-thirds of the length of Carol Ann Duffy. Jack? I think he was 4ft 6. 4ft 6, Alexander Pope, that is true.

Yeah. That's actually a funny story attached to it, because at the age of 12, he suffered from a form of tuberculosis which severely restricted his growth. So... It's a nice story. The poet Charles Swinburne claimed to have once cooperated with a monkey dressed in women's clothing,

although what the monkey was wearing is anyone's guess. Jack? I think that's the sort of thing poets get up to. Yeah, that's right. Yes, poet Charles Swinburne was a renowned alcoholic and dissolute, famous at the time for his sexual proclivities, and he once claimed to have engaged in bestiality with a monkey before eating it.

One biographer writes, his mania for masochism, particularly flagellation, probably began at Eton. Famous British First World War poets include Siegfried Baboon, cake empresario Mr Kipling and William Make Peace Thackeray. Arthur? Well Kipling, he would count as the first world war poet in a way. Yes but not the cake empresario. Little known fact they were different people. He does make exceedingly good poetry. In 1899, French poet Alcantar de Bram proposed an irony mark that would signal that a statement was ironic,

although nobody knows whether he was being serious or not. Jack. That sounds like a reasonably good idea, apart from anything. It is, isn't it? And it's true. Yeah. APPLAUSE Yes, the proposed irony mark, point d'ironie, It is, isn't it? And it's true. Yeah. Yes, the proposed irony mark, point d'ironie, looked like a question mark facing backward at the end of a sentence.

The mark is still used by some BBC executives to this day as a way of assuaging feelings of self-loathing when they're obliged to pretend to like Mrs Brown's boys in group emails. Thank you, Lloyd. like Mrs Brown's boys in group emails. Thank you, Lloyd. And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the Irish poet Brendan Behan became an alcoholic at the age of eight.

And that means, Lloyd, you've scored one point. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Jack D. In third place, with minus one point, it's Lucy Porter. In second place, with two points, it's Arthur Smith. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, it's this week's winner, Lloyd Langford.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Arthur Smith, Lloyd Langford, Lucy Porter and Jack Dee. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash

and the producer was Richard Turner. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.