The Unbelievable Truth - 23x02 Flowers, Rappers, Cheese, Winston Churchill

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

23x02 6 January 2020 Sindhu Vee, Lloyd Langford, Susan Calman, Graeme Garden Flowers, Rappers, Cheese, Winston Churchill

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And, of course, the ultimate truth at the heart of all creation is love. Not my words, the words of Michael Jackson. There will now be a short, uncomfortable silence.

Please welcome Sindhu V, Lloyd Langford, Susan Calman and Graham Garden. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panell panelists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Sindhu V. Sindhu, your subject is flowers, the reproductive parts of seed-bearing plants often surrounded by

brightly colored petals. Off you go, Sindhu. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Potpourri is a Hindu phrase meaning these flowers are dead. Bill Clinton has never bought his wife flowers because he's allergic to flowers, not his wife. Lloyd. I reckon old Slick Willie has never I reckon he's

never bought Hillary flowers. We don't know about that. She does get very scared if he buys her cigars. Susan. Can I say that Bill Clinton is allergic to flowers? Correct. Yeah. I mean, also, between Hillary and Bill,

the word flowers has a very different significance are you referring to actress and model Jennifer Flowers indeed I am with whom he apparently had a secret 12 year affair well he's only on radio 4 in spite of his allergy during his time at the White House staff were instructed not to put flowers...

The thing's on stalks. Not to put that sort of flowers on his table at receptions. Clinton is also allergic to cats and cigarette smoke. Flowers bought from a service station appear in 15% of all divorce petitions. At Dame Judy Dench's wedding, all her flowers were bought from the local SO garage. Lloyd.

I reckon that's a sort of eccentric yet lovable thing Dame Judy would have got up to. Specifically she didn't, but maybe she will. No. Susan. Can I do the divorce petition one? That that's true?

It isn't, I'm afraid. Well then I would like to withdraw that. No, the buzz is not returnable as a drug dealer says. They also say a very similar thing in Alzheimer's. In the 1500s a bride carried a bouquet of flowers to hide her body odour.

The most highly prized brides were the ones with the smallest bouquets. Lloyd. I think it is a sure fact that women used to smell. Women still smell. No, I mean everyone's smelt think maybe the flowers originated to mask a stinky bride that is basically true yes in the 1500s when bathing for women in particular, it says here, was rare, and Christian clergy condemned bathing as associated with the sins of bride and vanity,

brides often held bouquets of strong-scented flowers, herbs, and even garlic to mask their body odor. I'll tell you something. I don't want to disclose too much. But, you know, like, sometimes you go home on, like, a Friday and you decide, I'm just not going to wash. You just have one of those weekends where you just think, I'm just going to stay in the same clothes. I'm going to play Resident Evil in my pants. I'm just not going to bother.

You know, no hygiene. You sort of drop briefly out of society. Yes, yes, yes. A bouquet of flowers would not mask that. But people have said to me that my musky odor is attractive. If only radio had the technology to allow listeners to enjoy what we're all enjoying. Cindy. Cauliflower is not a flower, but broccoli is.

But holding either of them under your chin will only demonstrate that you've forgotten how to eat. Graham. I think cauliflower is not a flower. It is a flower. Lloyd. I think broccoli is a flower. It is a flower.

Bingo. Bingo. Elton John spends more on flowers in one year than the GDP of Andorra. Susan. Yep, that's the one. Well, I'm afraid not. The GDP of Andorra is a surprisingly large $3 billion, which would be a stretch even for Sir Elton.

To keep flowers fresh for longer, scientists suggest adding a spoonful of pepper, a fistful of salt, half a dishwasher tablet, or even a Viagra tablet. Susan. Paper. I'm afraid not. Lloyd.

I'm going to have a bang on the dishwasher tablet. Very suggestive. I'm going to have a bang on the dishwasher tablet. Very suggestive. I'm afraid not. I was just talking about my plans after the recording. Graham. Well, if Lloyd had a bang on the dishwasher tablet, I'll have a go on the Viagra. You're absolutely right.

Oh, yeah. Yes, scientists in Australia first discovered Viagra's plant-preserving qualities, and their research was published in the British Medical Journal, which revealed that Viagra can double the shelf life of cut flowers. Viagra contains nitric oxide, which slows down the dying process in plants, and it's the same chemical which relaxes the muscles in a man's penis, allowing the blood rush which improves sexual performance. Prince Charles has found humming in the key of B-flat makes his flowers grow faster. Bumblebees open a flower by buzzing in middle C, while hummingbirds' wings vibrate at F-sharp to encourage increased nectar flow in the saxophone honeysuckle.

Lloyd. The thing about the bees buzzing to open the flowers. Correct. Oh! Yes. Bumblebees use a technique called buzz pollination, buzzing in the tone of middle C, which causes the flower to open up and often

explosively release its pollen. Although obviously the bee doesn't want the pollen, does it? It wants the nectar. I guess it's like any relationship, David. It's all about compromise. That's right. Thank you, Sindhu. At the end of that round,

Sindhu, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points. I mean, I lost because they just kept getting chances until they were right. I'm not sure you will have lost because there were a lot of unsuccessful buzzes as well. Was there a consequence for an unsuccessful buzz? Yes. Well, I mean, you lose a point in this game that doesn't matter.

But, you know, so if that counts as a consequence, yes, you lose a point in this game that doesn't matter. But, you know, so... If that counts as a consequence, yes, there's a consequence. So every time I buzz and it's wrong... You lose a point, Susan, yeah, yeah. Do you know what? It's never been explained to me clearly. Yes. I explain it very clearly every time I read it out. I've read it out so many times that...

Did you read it out today? Did you read it out today? Yeah. In in the coming decades when I'm sitting in a home All I'll be muttering is the rules are as follows each panelist will present a short They should be entirely false and people won't know what I'm talking about the robots that clean up my weed will be baffled Sorry I just switched off when you talk. Okay. We turn now to Lloyd Langford.

Lloyd, your subject is rappers. Hip-hop musicians who recite rather than sing their words with an emphasis on rhythm, rhyme, and street vernacular. Off you go, Lloyd. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Hip-hop pioneer Grandmaster Flash was once mistakenly entered as a competitor for a Russian chess tournament. Snoop Dogg has recorded a song with Buzz Aldrin called Rocket Experience,

though conspiracy theorists have been quick to point out that the music video for the track looks like it was filmed in a studio. Stormzy's nickname derives from his childhood dream to become a meteorologist. Queen Latifah is actually descended from African royalty. Cindy. First of all, he's reading at some kind of bionic speed.

Also, if we want to do the speed with accent, I'll do it, man. I will win this thing. I will win this thing. I will win this thing. So, but that's not why I buzzed. I buzzed because of Snoop Dogg and Buzz Aldrin. Is that thing true?

It is true. Yes. Yes. Yeah, wow. Yes. Yes, to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, Buzz Aldrin teamed up with Snoop Dogg to record the song Rocket Experience. Aldrin commented,

I have only two passions, space exploration and hip-hop. And that was lucky. Dr. Dre holds a PhD in business management, and beneath Eminem's brittle exterior lay some incredibly tasty chocolate and roasted peanut Cindy dr. Dre as a PhD no, he's more of a locum

Can I can we have the M&M stuff because I didn't get that if you buzz in this then you've you've got problems Beneath M&M's brittle exterior lay some incredibly tasty chocolate and roasted peanut. Graham. That's true. I love M&M's. Well, yes, unfortunately, in this case,

this is the wrapper M&M, but obviously going from the sounds alone, that is true, isn't it? Because I can see it's written down, Eminem the rapper, but the sound... Well, Eminems don't have rappers. I think, without the benefit of the script in front of you, I think that is true, and you have to get bonus points.

They're called M&M's, not M&M. But you said M&M apostrophe S, which sounds exactly the same as the plural of the snack. Oh yeah, fair enough. M&M himself has a fear of owls. Graham. I think he is afraid of owls. He is afraid of owls. Oh, Korea!

According to M&M, he has, quote, a serious fear of owls he is afraid of our Korea according to Eminem he has quote a serious fear of owls he's also scared of giraffes saying I have a weird thing with giraffes man I don't like their necks did you know that Charles and Dave played guitar and bass on the Eminem track my My Name Is, and also Maracas and Harmonica on the B-side, Knees Up Mother F***. My Name Is, that bit. That's true. Yeah, yeah.

My Name Is. Yes. Session musicians Chaz and Dave both featured on Labi Sifri's 1975 single, I Got Thee, and this track was sampled by Eminem for his breakthrough hit, My Name Is. The same Labby Sifri song has been sampled by other rappers, meaning Chaz and Dave have also featured on tracks by Jay-Z, Method Man, RZA, and the Wu-Tang Clan. In 2011, a woman filed a $1 trillion lawsuit against Sean P. Diddy Coombs, claiming he caused 9-11. He named himself P. Diddy as homage to one of his favorite comedians, Ken Dodd.

Kanye West's song Gold Digger was directly inspired by a relationship he had with an unfaithful miner. Staff and police once had to break up a fight between Mitt Romney and rapper Sky Blue after Sky Blue irritated Romney by reclining his seat too far back on a plane. Practising Mormon Romney was already very upset that the airline had sat him separately from his wives. The US East Coast West Coast rap rivalry of the 1990s inspired a similar situation in Wales between Charlotte Church and Duffy. Church once warned Duffy that if she spotted her anywhere below Porthmadog, then she'd pop a cap in her ass. Thank you, Lloyd.

And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in 2011, a woman filed a $1 trillion lawsuit against P. Diddy claiming he caused 9-11. And the second truth is that staff and police once had to break up a fight between Mitt Romney and rapper Sky Blue on a flight from Vancouver to Los Angeles. Anyway, that

means, Lloyd, you've scored two points. Elton John helped rapper Eminem to kick his addiction to prescription drugs. So when Elton married David Furnish, a grateful Eminem to kick his addiction to prescription drugs. So when Elton married David Furnish, a grateful Eminem supplied the happy couple with a pair of diamond penis rings. A nice gesture, although it did mean that the vicar had to adapt one or two lines of the sentence. Next up is Susan Calman. Susan grew up in Glasgow. Well, not all the way up, obviously. Just to four feet and eleven inches. Susan, your subject is cheese, a solid food prepared from the pressed curd of milk, which is often seasoned and aged. Off you go, Susan. A bid by the West Dorset village of Nob, famous for the Dorset Nob biscuit, to market a cheese under its own name was rejected by the british cheese board genuine british cheese names include blue-veined susan goat's nipple crust muncher

stinking chorister rank buzzard and lost sock can we have the list again blue-veined susan goat's nipple crust m muncher, stinking chorister, rank buzzard and lost sock. Blue-veined Susan. I know, although there is apparently a raw sheep cheese called black-eyed Susan. Anyone else? No, I think I'll pass. Most British cheeses have confusing names. Blue Stilton cheese has never been made in the town of Stilton.

Cindy. Blue Stilton hasn't been made in the town of Stilton. Correct. Yes. Americans are world famous for their love of cheese. In fact, in 2013 alone in America, nine babies were given the name cheese. Lloyd. I reckon that sounds about right. But the nine

cheese babies. Yeah, the nine cheese babies. Yes. Well, it is true. Well done. In 2013, out of 500,000 US families, nine chose to name their baby boys cheese. American cheese baby boys cheese.

American cheese isn't cheese. It is, in fact, worms and potato. There is a delicious cheese made in Germany whose secret is that it's flavoured with dust mite excrement, which means it's perfect for people who don't normally like cheese but love the taste of dust mite excrement. Lloyd. I know that Iceland has got some sort of maggoty cheese,

so maybe the Germans have cornered the market in mite poo cheese. They certainly have. Well done. Yes. An enzyme in the dust mite's excretions causes the cheese to ripen, turning it progressively yellow, red-brown and then black, at which point it's eaten. Of all the cheeses, Wensleydale provides the greatest source of energy,

so much so that the Wensleydale Creamery in Yorkshire alone can heat up to 800 homes. The praying mantis produces lactose from its pituitary gland and is thus the only lizard capable of making cheese. However, it would take about 250 praying mantises to make enough cheese to cover the surface of a single car's table water biscuit. Although the guests at your dinner party will appreciate the effort you've gone to.

Cindy. Does it take 250 praying mantises to do that thing? Well, it might do if there was any truth in the fact that it was... The praying mantis does not produce lactose from its pituitary gland i don't even know if it's got a pituitary gland and it certainly isn't a lizard um lloyd there's the wensley dill factory oh you can't go that far back hang on a second because i was hang on a second hang on let me let me just check with susan about whether or not she thinks you can go that far back

You were all about the look The P did II 9-11 which I suddenly realized is a probable thing. I'm just saying I would record today We've all taken an oath in this court As you may have inferred from this conversation. It is true But I don't think you can have the point. Graham. Crust muncher. It's far too late to buzz for crust muncher, Graham, which is fortunate for you because it's not true.

But it is true that a Northorkshire biogas plant converts leftover whey from the nearby wensleydale creamery to produce 10 000 megawatt hours of thermal power enough to heat 800 homes per year and lloyd i'm not mean to be harsh it's just i fundamentally misunderstood the game and i've realized i'm about 150 points down and i'm just all i'm wanting to do is to break even because I've come all the way from Glasgow and it's been a long journey. And I am constantly trying to

win things to make up for what was essentially a very difficult childhood. And I'm just happy to be out of the house. It's, you know, this is a wonderful outreach to the community thing we do with this show. I think the only shame is that so many people are forced to listen to it. Thank you, Susan.

And at the end of that round, Susan, you've managed to smuggle two truths. Oh, yes, yes. Pass the record to the panel. One of those truths was the one that Lloyd got too late about the Wensleydale Creamery. And the other truth is that American cheese isn't cheese. It cannot legally be called cheese. Instead, it must be labelled as pasteurised cheese product or processed cheese food. And that means, Susan, you've scored two points.

Tyrosemiophile is the name given to a person who collects camembert cheese labels, though weirdo will also suffice. Kasu mazu, a cheese from Sardinia, is ready to eat when it's riddled with live maggots. Also, the makers claimed desperately during a surprise health inspection. It's now the turn of Graham Garden. Your subject, Graham, is Winston Churchill, the British statesman, soldier and author,

best known for his leadership of the United Kingdom during the Second World War. Off you go, Graham. Winston Heriwood Wolverine Churchill was born at Marlborough Castle, the family home just outside of Wedlock. He was head boy at Eton College where he was a choral scholar and he became famous for his version of Oh for the Wings of a Dove, which he recorded at the age of 82. Susan. Was he a choral scholar?

He was not a choral scholar. But his recording career really took off later in life and he was immensely proud of his two albums that charted in the UK top 40. Lloyd. I think maybe he did release two albums of reggae. Of speeches, and they charted in the top 40. albums of reggae of speeches and they charted in the top 40

in fact I'd stake a finger on it. Well you've won an 11th finger A lifelong teetotaler he campaigned for the legalisation of laudanum and as a young man he enjoyed a toot of cocaine

with his best buddy queen victoria susan the laudanum thing not the laudanum thing no he didn't campaign for that susan second buzz can you break even cocaine with queen victoria correct yes yes drug use was uncontrolled during victoria's, and a favourite of the Queen was a cocaine-infused chewing gum, which claimed to be, quote, a powerful tonic to the muscular and nervous system. She shared this with Winston Churchill when he was a guest at Balmoral. It's claimed she wrote an anonymous review for a popular Victorian drink

called Van Mariani, which was a mixture of alcohol and cocaine. That's like a literal trip advisor. With the outbreak of World War II, Churchill immediately set up his office in an underground bunker in Dagenham, until the rest of the war cabinet found him and dragged him out. He eventually gained popularity after the Battle of Britain, when he appeared with the words, This was their finest hour, painted on the side of a bus.

A radio broadcast of Churchill's We Shall Fight on the Beaches speech to the House of Commons was unfortunately cut off before the end, and listeners missed his last line, which was, And we'll fight them with the butt ends of broken beer bottles because that's bloody well all we've got. Lloyd. I think that the speech was interrupted so they missed the last line. I don't think that was the last line.

Well, you're close, Lloyd. The truth is that Churchill didn't cut off his fight them on the beach speech, but instead, when it was finished, whispered to a colleague colleague and we'll fight them with the butt ends of broken beer bottles because that's all we've bloody got so nearly but no point Churchill then flew to France to personally supervise the evacuation at Dunkirk codename Brexit one after the war code name sod this for a game of soldiers Churchill could retire from politics and devote time to his many hobbies he enjoyed rock climbing water skiing karaoke and writing film scripts

including inherit the wind and carry on at your convenience Lloyd I mean it sounds unlikely but was he a water-skiing aficionado? Maybe perhaps as a younger man? Does sound unlikely, doesn't it? I'm afraid that's not true. Susan. Did he like writing film scripts?

Correct. Yes. Yes, in the early 1930s, the British film producer and director Alexander Corder hired Churchill as a screenwriter, paying him £10,000, a huge amount of money at that time, for two screenplays, one a feature film on the life of King George V.

Neither of Churchill's scripts were filmed. Oh, I mean, they're still in development. Way to say it. In later life, Churchill published a series of greeting cards bearing some of his many witty sayings, which included, don't tell him, Pike. What do you think of it so far? And it's the way I tell him. Sadly, Churchill's death clashed with the celebrations for the Queen's 50th birthday. As a result, his funeral, codename Hope Not, had to be rescheduled and actually took place one week before he died. Lloyd.

I think his funeral was rescheduled. No. Just trying to think back, because the only reason I know about Winston Churchill or the royal family is from the Netflix show The Crown. That's actually a more pleasurable version in some ways. And everyone is quite good looking. They're all very good looking. It's quite strange fancying the Queen. Do you know what I mean? Because I don't fancy the Queen.

Speak for yourself. You fancy the fictional Queen more than the real Queen? Yes. I think that's treason. Churchill's statue depicts him as we all remember him, unruly mop of hair sticking out under an ill-fitting helmet with a little Union Jack in his hand as he swings suspended on a zip wire.

Thank you, Graham. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. The first one is when he finished his we shall fight them on the beaches speech at the House of Commons, he followed it by saying

we'll fight them with the butt ends of Britain beer bottles because that's bloody well all we've got. And the second one is that Churchill's funeral was codenamed Hope Not. Operation Hope Not was the codename of a plan for Winston Churchill's funeral, which was started in 1953 after he suffered a major stroke. However, Churchill actually lived for another 12 years, leaving Lord Mountbatten to remark that Churchill, quote, kept living and the pallbearers kept dying.

And that means, Graham, that you've scored two points. Winston Churchill's last words as he lay in bed were, I'm bored with it all. He then slumped and dropped his half-open copy of The Lord of the Rings. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Susan Calman. In third place,

with no points, it's Sindhu V. And in joint first place, with three points each, it's this week's winners, Graham Garden and Lloyd Langford. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth is devised by John Nesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists

Lloyd Langford, Susan Calman, Graham Garden and Cindy V. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith it was a random production from BBC Radio 4