The Unbelievable Truth - 23x05 Names, Bob Dylan, Superheroes, Meat

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

23x05 27 January 2020[24] Sindhu Vee, Lloyd Langford, Susan Calman, Graeme Garden Names, Bob Dylan, Superheroes, Meat

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to the unbelievable truth the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies I'm David Mitchell as for the panel listeners may be surprised to hear that at least one of them has a book out Which is pretty bloody rude while I'm talking Please welcome Sindhu V Lloyd Lang, Susan Kalman and Graham Garden. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Sindhu V. Sindhu, your subject is names, words by which a person, place, or thing is identified and distinguished from others. Off you go, Sindhu. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. In their original languages, Donald means bad loser, Boris means hopeless philanderer, and Vladimir means master of Donald. My own name Sindhu translates as she who is Hindu.

The queen names all her corgis after novelists. This led to an embarrassing incident when Martin Amis was visiting the palace and overheard a footman informing Her Majesty that he had done a poo behind the curtains in the drawing room. Well... Susan. OK, I think the Queen names her corgis after novelists. I'm afraid she doesn't.

Oh, come on! No, in fact, her most famous corgi was Susan. In 2007, her corgis were called Monty, Emma, Linnet, Willow and Holly. That's it. I'm not buzzing in again. Henning Vein tried this. Yeah? He didn't participate. It actually worked very well for him.

It's more of a threat to the format, if I may say. Ronald Reagan's pet name for Nancy Reagan was Mommy Poop Pants. Lloyd. I think that adds up. You're absolutely right. Oh, God. Yes. In the year 2000, Nancy Reagan published a collection of the love letters between herself and Ronald Reagan,

which revealed that the former US president used a number of pet names for them both. He referred to himself as First Popper and You're In Love Gov, and to her as Mommy Poopants. The old charmer. She would respond to the name saying, once. I did it once, Ronald. Can we please forget it? In Tonga, it is traditional for women

to have the name of every man they've slept with tattooed onto their body. It was originally intended as a way to shame women, but in a magnificent twist nowadays, the women still write the names, but they also add a score out of 10. Charles Dickens nicknamed his children The Mistake, Uncle Crybaby, Lucifer Box, The Angel of Camden, Not Mine, and The Toothless Albatross. Despite the popular phrase Jesus H. Christ, Christ's middle name was in fact Christ, just like Donald Trump's father. Susan. Jesus Christ's middle name was in fact Christ just like Donald Trump's father

Susan Jesus Christ's middle name is Christ Jesus Christ Christ no no I mean Christ isn't his surname to join in I was trying to join in because I was thinking, that seems like something. It's for Jesus Christ, but his name's not Christ. No, it says here that Christ is an honorific title, rather than a surname. I'm Dr. Kalman, and that's an honorary degree, so I'm like Christ.

Well, what you are is an honorary doctor, and what he was was a Christ. I don't know what a Christ, I there are other Christ's he wasn't Joseph and Mary Christ's little boy Jesus his surname wasn't Christ and I think his middle name also wasn't Christ but his first name was Jesus. That was essentially, that was my best shot, and it's gone, so I'm not, that's it, no more. Okay. Sindhu. Doctor Doctor jokes were originated by an Irish doctor whose surname was Doctor.

In Oklahoma, it is illegal to call your dog doctor to prevent misleading the public. Cerberus, the three-headed dog that guarded hell, is Sanskrit for spot. Susan. Okay, Sue. I think it's illegal to call your dog doctor. It isn't. I'm crazy. That's it.

I think you... Your protestations that you're not going to join in seem hollow. But it is not illegal in Oklahoma to call your dog doctor. Surgeons with the name Hugo or Sebastian are eight times less likely to kill you than surgeons with the name Osama Sebastian are eight times less likely to kill you than surgeons with the name Osama Bin Laden or Connor. Vikings had wonderfully descriptive

names which included medium penis, the man who sleeps beyond noon, the man with many man friends, the man with a back like a carpet, the man who mixes his drinks, the hatless man, daddy poo pants, the man who smells like dead fish, the man who mixes his drinks, the hatless man, daddy poo pants, the man who smells like dead fish, the man who

talks after three beers, let's not even mention his enormous penis, and Derek. Lloyd. One of them has got to be true. Maybe the man who sleeps beyond noon. No. Not true. Yep.

The hatless man. Nope. Are we going to give them a try by elimination? Is that what's going to happen? I promise you it's in your interests to allow that. Okay. Lloyd is now like a problem gambler at the roulette table. Exactly.

He's three buzzes in. What are you going to go for this time? Medium penis. I haven't had my guess yet no I would guess medium penis oh yeah medium penis was one of them no that's not true either your three downs I think your luck's about to change, sir. Perhaps another cocktail. Susan, would you like to buzz? No, no, I'm fine. Melania

Trump has her husband's name tattooed on her back, followed by the number one. Thank you, Sindhu. Now, at the end of that round, Sindhu, you have managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. Which are that Dickens nicknamed one of his children Lucifer Box. Due, he said, to, quote, a lurking propensity to fieriness.

The second truth is that Donald Trump's father's middle name is Christ. Oh. The second truth is that Donald Trump's father's middle name is Christ. Trump's father, Frederick Christ Trump, was born in New York in 1905 to German immigrants Elizabeth Christ and Frederick Trump. The third truth is that Cerberus, the three-headed dog that guarded hell, is Sanskrit for spot. And the fourth truth is that Vikings had names, and the one that was true was the man who mixes his drinks. Other Viking names included Desirous of Beer, Squat Wiggle, Lust Hostage, able to fill a bay with fish by magic, short penis,

and the man without trousers. And that means, Sindhu, you've scored four points. According to the internet, Jedi Master Yoda's first name is Minch. Made up bollocks, it is. OK, we turn now to Lloyd Langford. Lloyd, your subject is Bob Dylan, the hugely influential American singer-songwriter whose early songs became anthems for the civil rights and anti-war movements. Off you go, Lloyd.

Throughout his career, Dylan has used the following pseudonyms. Blind Willie McDead, Boots McGonagall, Tedham Porterhouse, Jimmy B. Wonderful and Membery Services, which was his nickname in the 1980 supergroup, The Travelling Memberies. During his time in show business, Dylan has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace, 17 Grammy Awards and, most exciting of all, a BTEC Level 3 Extended Diploma in Performing Arts from the Bournemouth and Poole College. He once recorded phrases for a British in-car satellite navigation system

including the lines, don't think twice, it's alright and how many roads must a man drive down before he can finally leave Bath? Some of Dylan's other questionable decisions include filming an advert for Swarovski jewellery, converting himself into a PDF file, and swabbing

an Andy Warhol painting for a sofa. A bad day for Bob, but for the manager of that branch of furniture village, the best day of his entire life. Susan. Look, I'm just buzzing in because everyone's just looking at each other. And at some point, someone has to take responsibility for this show actually running. Cinder, you keep looking at me like, go on, Susan.

You buzz in, Susan. You buzz in, Susan. Well, I do because I'm at four. I'm not touching anything, all right? Cinder, do you know what? I'm going to lose in the appropriate way that Radio 4 demands, which is I'm going to go down in a blaze of glory. So I'm going to say... Which is why I keep looking at you.

Well, yes, you keep looking at me, and I just think, have a think about it, Sindhu. Have a think about it. The people listening at home are not going to hear you now for the next 25 minutes, and if that's the way you want to do it, that's absolutely fine. I think Bob Dylan swapped an Andy Warhol for a sofa correct yes yes that's absolutely right dylan once traded an Andy Warhol painting of Elvis that he owned

with his manager, Albert Grossman, for a sofa. Grossman's widow later sold the painting for $750,000. What an idiot. It's me against Lloyd now because no-one else is buzzing in and I'll take it on board. Watch this, David. He's going down. I'm not allowed to buzz in because I'm reading the lecture. Watch this, David. He's going down.

I'm not allowed to buzz in because I'm reading the lecture. Surprise, nobody buzzed for that obvious truth. Dylan has stated that he has never used a comb in his life as he doesn't trust anything with teeth that doesn't bite, instead using the Greek spirit ouzo as a hair straightener. In 1967, Dylan foreswore all hard drugs after an amphetamine-filled bouncy castle accident, but his admission that he's a big fan of Welsh clod rock mourn merchants, the stereophonics, has led many to speculate that he still has a formidable habit. Graham, he's a big fan of the

stereophonics, it's well known. That's true. Yes. Yes. That's true. Yes. Were you aware that Dylan's song, Blowing in the Wind, was inspired by a persistent bout of flatulence on a day trip to Aberystwyth? Some of Dylan's most bizarre lyrics include, the dwarf dressed as a schoolgirl is in a pantomime with her husband who is pretending to be her dad, now the beach is deserted except for some kelp.

And Nicholas, the royal correspondent, has sat on some lesbians. Susan. The one about the beach and the kelp. Correct. Yes, the line comes from Dylan's song Sarah or Sarah. It's written Sarah but it's pronounced Sarah. Okay. The line comes from Dylan's song Sarah, or Sarah. It's written Sarah, but it's pronounced Sarah. Okay. The line comes from Dylan's song Sarah, which is actually written Sarah,

on the 1976 album Desire, which I'm going to pronounce Desire. In 1998, Ann Summers released a limited edition sex toy to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Bob Dylan going electric. However, the launch of the toy was beset by disruption. A man stood outside the store repeatedly shouting Judas at his wife as she tried to buy one. Thank you, Lloyd. At the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. The first of which is that Dylan has used many pseudonyms, but the one that was true that you said was Tedum Porterhouse. And the second truth is that Dylan uses the Greek spirit

ouzo as a hair straightener. And that means you've scored two points. Fans of Bob Dylan are called Dylanologists, in the same way that fans of Graham Garden are called pensioners. In 2009, Bob Dylan's angry neighbours demanded to know how the smell of raw sewage from a portable toilet in his grounds was reaching them. The answer, my friends, was blowing in the wind. Next up is Susan Kalman Susan your your subject is superheroes fictional cartoon or film characters who use their superhuman powers to fight evil and protect the public off you go Susan when I was a child my mother thought I was

spider-man because she had to put a glass over my head and a wee piece of paper underneath me to get me out of the bath. Some superheroes are known by different names in other countries. In the Philippines, Superman is known as Captain Goody Goody. In Mozambique, Batman is known as the Man of the Dark Nipples. And in Paraguay, Wonder Woman is known as Margaret Thatcher, who is supernatural. Lloyd. I'll hazard a point that the man with the dark nipples.

No. I'm afraid that's not how Batman is known in Mozambique. Sindhu. I'll come out of retirement for Susan. Is it Superman Goody Goody? No. You know, I knew that title in the Philippines. I'll come out of retirement for Susan. Is it Superman Goody Goody? No. You know, I knew that title up in the Philippines.

I think Captain Goody Goody would be quite a good name for Superman. Yeah, he is very Goody Goody. He's pretty one note, isn't he? Yeah. Do you want to take a punt at Margaret Thatcher, Graeme? No, thank you. I didn't at the time and I won't now. LAUGHTER I didn't at the time, and I won't now. In Scotland, we have Aberdeen Angus, part human, part Highland beef.

In Sweden, they have Sauna Girl, with the power to raise an enemy's body temperature to a state where they begin to feel dizzy and need to leave the room. Bouncing Boy was a DC comic superhero, with the power to inflate like a giant ball and bounce around. Lloyd. Maybe Bouncing Boy was a ill-fated superhero for DC. He was a superhero for DC, yes. And I'm not sure if he was even that ill-fated.

Born without any powers, he received his abilities by accidentally drinking a super plastic formula he must stuck for his bottle of soda pop bouncing boy had a long-term romantic relationship with fellow Legionnaire triplicate girl from the planet car who he eventually married triplicate girl so like every encounter was a foursome yes I suppose that yeah i don't i don't know what triplicate girls powers were maybe it's just a sort of paperwork thing maybe she needed the two others to stop him bouncing out the window one of my favorites is dc comics arm fall off boy whose special power is he can take off his own arm and hit his enemies with it, which in a fight situation really does give you the element of surprise.

The story of Batman originally comes from Australia, which in the days before Captain Cook arrived was peopled by a race of indigenous batmen who roamed the outback fighting crime. Their home in those days was the city now known as Melbourne, but which back then was known as Batmania. Lloyd. I think maybe Melbourne used to be called Batmania, named after an explorer who had the surname Batman. Because loads of streets in Melbourne are called, like,

Batman Avenue and Batman Drive. You're absolutely right. Well done. Yes, the settlement that became Melbourne, Australia was founded in 1835 by a man named John Batman. Or Batman, I suppose. People now imagine that every officer in a trench in the First World War had his own man dressed as a bat next to him. Come on, Batman, make my lunch.

This isn't in the right to just so you know, I chose this because I'm a real fan of superheroes. I have a fully functioning Batman outfit that I wear around my house. Well, I have a fully functioning Batman outfit that I wear. Well, just so you know, I have Wonder Woman shoes on right this

minute. Right this minute, I have them on. Oh, nice. And Wonder Woman is just going around barefoot. The X-Men character Wolverine wasn't originally based on a wolf. He was based on a badger, unknown as Badger. They changed it because he'd be too easy to defeat through a simple government-enforced cull. Graham.

Yes, a Wolverine is a kind of badger, isn't it? I don't think a Wolverine is a kind of badger, but he it? I don't think a wolverine is a kind of badger, but he was known as badger. Yes, well, he was that too. I would personally say that because it's Graham, I would give him the point because he's Graham and he's like an OBE, is that what you are? Yes.

Yeah, he's an OBE and I think no one else on the panel has any form of honour, so I would say he should have the point. So he should have the point out of respect. Yes. Despite being wrong. I mean, it sounds quite old-fashioned, but... I'm feeling uncomfortable. I mean, don't patronise me. Graeme, you get the point, despite being wrong about a wolverine being a small badger.

The X-Men character was to be known as Badger. In 1974, Marvel editor-in-chief Roy Thomas and his team soon realised that the badger was not the right animal, so opted instead for his second choice, and the character was renamed Wolverine. I was coming to that. Yes.

Thank you, Susan. And at the end of that round, Susan, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in Scotland they have Aberdeen Angus as a superhero, part human, part Highland beef. And the second truth is that DC Comics had a character called Arm Fall Off Boy, whose special power is that he can take his own arm off and hit his enemies with it. And that means, Susan, you scored two points. DC Comics superheroes included Matter Eater Lad,

who has the power to eat all forms of matter, and Arm Fall Off Boy, who can detach his limbs and use them to batter his opponents. matter eater lad who has the power to eat all forms of matter and arm fall off boy who can detach his limbs and use them to batter his opponents. Both of them created by the same person. Running out of ideas man. It's now the turn of Graham Garden. Your subject Graham is meat.

The flesh of animals used as food. Off you go Graham. During the first world war the German people were not allowed to make sausages, as all the sausage skins were needed to make zeppelins. The first air raids featured airships crossing the channel linked together in a chain of six. Lloyd. I think maybe there was a ban on making sausages. There was a ban on making sausages. There was a ban on making sausages.

And it was because the skins were needed to make zeppelins. The quantity of cow intestines needed to build a single zeppelin was so large that the making of sausages were temporarily outlawed in Germany and parts of Austria during the First World War. Each zeppelin required the intestines of more than 250,000 cows, and Germany built 140 of them during the war. The word butcher comes from the fact that,

compared to selling fruit and veg, selling meat is more manly. The most famous meat chef, or chef de viandeur, was René Haronde, chef to Her Majesty the Queen and the King of the Belgians, who is best known now for the creation of his signature dish, chicken McNuggets. The popular snack Kit Kat dates from the 19th century, when coffee shops served chocolate-covered strips of dried cat meat. And a regular children's treat imported from the continent at that time was sugar-coated chunks of gristle, known as haribos.

Lloyd. I think maybe they used to give children sugar-coated lumps of gristle. No, no, they didn't. Well, I think they should start. After Brexit, I'm sure they will. Graham. During the horse meat scandal of 1983, healthy eaters took steps to limit their intake of sugar.

A meat pie sold in Iceland was tested and was found to contain no meat at all. And a packet of bird's eye

frozen quinoa was found to contain bird's eyes. Susan. Pie in Iceland, no meat. Correct.

Yeah. Yes, it was during the European horse meat scandal of 2013, officials in Iceland, the country, not the frozen food shop, discovered a locally produced beef pie that contained no meat at all. Only what the inspectors described as, quote, a type of vegetable matter. One of the lasagnas they tested for horse meat was a hundred percent horse meat. Nor bechamel sauce? No, I mean,

I mean, who knows? Maybe the bechamel sauce with locust tears. I think that the meat was all horse. On MasterChef, Norwegian cook Anders Klum devised a dish consisting of pork and calf's liver that had been buried in compost for a year until it was partially decomposed and then sliced and served raw on a bed of goat's cheese and pickled kale. Anders said he didn't expect it to win, he just wanted to see Greg Wallace eat it. wanted to see Greg Wallace eat it. Chinese pork fans during the last year of the pig were delighted to discover on licking their

celebratory postage stamps that they tasted of sweet and sour pork. Sales of stamps fell dramatically during the year of the rat. Lloyd. I'll have a star but pork flavored stumps correct Yes in the year of the pig 2007 China released stamps that when licked or scratched Tasted like sweet and sour pork and they're not alone Brazil have have coffee scented stamps and belgium chocolate flavored ones

yes whereas here in britain we have stamp flavored food meat has been a central feature of many movies such as beef Encounter, Jurassic Pork and The Little Chop of Horrors. When it was shown in Israel, the film Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was translated as It's Raining Falafel. Susan. Righty-ho. I think it's not the meatballsy one. It's one of the ones before that.

I think it's probably the middle one. Jurassic Pork. I was thinking it was maybe a blue movie. So you're saying that Jurassic Pork is true? When you say it out loud, it seems ridiculous. Yes, Jurassic Pork. Not, I'm afraid, a real film. Lloyd, could I guess the falafel translation?

Correct. Another film to, of course, translation issues is The Spy Who Shagged Me, which in Germany became The Spy in a Missionary Position. In China, The Spy Who Liked Me a Lot. And in Croatia, The Spy Who groped me and I don't mean to be rude David yes but there is a phone beside you which using the time could you Google Jurassic Port could you could you want that in my search history I am pretty certain that there is an adult film called Jurassic Port

David I've googled it and there is an adult film called Jurassic Pork. David, I've Googled it and there is an adult film called Jurassic Pork. There we go. Okay, you get a bonus point for Jurassic Pork. Life finds a wee. Thank you, Graham. And at the end of that round, Graham, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel,

which is that Rene Aron created chicken McNuggets. And that means, Graham, you've scored one point. In Australia, kangaroo sausages are known as Kanga-bangers. As, for different reasons, are lonely farmers in the outback. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus one point, we have Lloyd Langford. In third place, with no points,

it's Susan Calman. And in joint first place, with an unassailable three points each, it's this week's winners, Graham Garden and Sindhu V. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth

is devised by John Nesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Greg Langford, Susan Calman, Graham Garden and Sindhu V. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naisman. It was a random production for BBC

Radio 4.